All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S04E01.WEBRip.x264-FGT

Previously on The West Wing:

AMY:
Honey, Simon Donovan
was shot and killed.

PRESIDENT:
You think the strike
against me is

"nobody likes the smartest kid
in the class."

It's not a strike
unless you watch
it as it sails by.

I've been a soldier for 38 years

and I've found an
enemy I can kill.

PRESIDENT:
We can make it look
like the plane went down

but they're going
to find out it's us

and I'm going to be running
for reelection

while I'm fighting a war
against Qumar.

LEO:
You have two
minutes, sir.

Take him.

( crowd cheering wildly )

PRESIDENT:
You know the story about...

( cheering and whistling
continue )

There's a guy down here
holding a sign

that says, "Eight More Years."

Don't get me wrong,
I like your thinking

but I've probably
tested the Constitution

about as far
as Abbey's going to allow me
to

for a little while.

( cheering and whistling )

You know the story

about the guy whose car
gets stuck in a muddy hole.

A farmer comes along

and says he'll pull the car
out of the mud

but he's going to have
to charge 50 bucks

'cause this is the tenth time

he's had to pull it
out of the mud today.

The driver says,
"God, when do you have time

to plow your land, at night?"

The farmer says, "No, no.

Nighttime is when I
fill the hole with water."

( laughing )

We need to find energy
alternatives.

We're getting our cue.

We're getting it right now.

The Republicans are busy.

They're trying to convince us
that they care about new energy

and that they're not
in the vest pockets of big oil

and that's a tough sell.

I don't envy them,
'cause their only hope is

that we don't notice
that they're the ones

who are filling the hole
with water every night

and I think Americans
are smarter than that.

I think we noticed.

( cheering )

Where are Josh and Toby?

They're in the soybean fields,
talking to Cathy.
Cathy...?

The daughter,
but I like saying

Toby and Josh are
in the soybean fields.

He's wrapping up and we're
getting right in the car.

We're already late
for Unionville.

I'll get them
from the soybean fields.

Thanks.
PRESIDENT:
This isn't a time

for people
whose doomsday scenario is

a little less at the pump
for Texaco and Shell.

This isn't the time
for people who say

there aren't
any energy alternatives

just because they can't think
of any.

This is a time
for American heroes

and we reach for the stars.

( cheering and whistling )

( distant cheering )

CATHY:
He seems a
little tense.

JOSH:
Yeah. Yeah.

Why?

Because the
President's speaking.

Why aren't
you there?

It's tough to explain.

No, it's not.

Shh.

( President continues
speaking indistinctly )

Okay.

JOSH:
The President has his blood
pressure taken every morning.

On higher blood pressure days,
Toby's not allowed to be

in the President's sight
line while he's speaking.

( chuckling ):
Why?

Stepped on it.

He has trouble concealing
his displeasure.

Stepped on it
and he knows it, too.

Look...

What do I say to people who ask
why we subsidize farmers

when we don't
subsidize plumbers?

Tell them they can
pay $7 for a potato.

( chuckling ):
Okay.

This is 200 acres
of soy fields.

It nets my family
$30 an acre

which is $6,000 a year.

Shh.

( President continues
indistinctly )

Okay.

Toby...
TOBY:
I worked
with the Conference Committee

to increase payment
limits for small farmers

and we'd have done it, too

but no one could agree
what "small" meant.

DONNA:
Josh!

I think we better
head back.

He's wrapping up.

CATHY:
You seem pissed that
I brought it up.

TOBY:
No, we're just talking.

We've really got
to go now.

Donna's a little nervous.

A couple of weeks ago,
some guys got left behind

by the motorcade in Kentucky.

It was in Tennessee

and they were never heard
from again.

They took a cab.

Look...
I think the real point is

whatever Toby and the
Conference Committee...

whatever definition
they came up with

would've just created more
business for the lawyers of
the big farm corporations.

I wish we could've had more time
to talk, but...

There's no way you guys
could stay a little

meet some people...
maybe catch up

with the campaign
at the next stop?

Nah, we've got one more stump
in Unionville

and then we get
on the plane.

It's a full schedule
at the office.

We've got some voters here,
Josh-- did you forget?

No.

They're voting
for Ritchie.

What?

Indiana's voting
for Ritchie.

If there was someone
less competent than
Ritchie on the ballot

that's who Indiana'd
be voting for.

Why'd you come out here?

When somebody can give me
an answer to that question

I'll let you know.

Toby...
Listen...

write off Indiana, but don't
write off the small farmers.

It's getting bad out here.
It is bad out here.

We paid farmers $67 billion
over the last three years.

( sighing ):
Oh, God.

You want
to lighten up a little?

I am lightened up.

This is me lightened up.

You're saying lighter?

Yeah.
Okay.

CATHY:
Josh... the $67 billion
bought this country

the least expensive food
and the greatest variety
of it in the world

and surely that's
got to register...

Hang on.

And it's got
to register...

No... she's right.

Where is it?

Where's the motorcade?

Hey, excuse me.

Where's the motorcade?

It's out there.

Hey!

Hey!

You guys need a button?

"Bartlet for America."

we got to get the trailer car.
Hang on.

Call Campaign Scheduling
and Advance and tell them...

Hang on.

You got to hang up with
whoever you're talking to.

Call Campaign Scheduling
and Advance...

Unless you're already
talking to Campaign
Scheduling and Advance.

Thank you.
There is no trailer car today.

Really?
Yeah.

Good budget cut.
Good item.

( clears throat )

Cathy, where's
the closest cab?

About 110 miles

as the crow flies.
All right.

What's the best way
for me to get these
guys to Unionville?

We'll take you.
Really?

Yeah. It'll give me a chance
to show you the soy diesel car.

Okay, this car...
it can...

It's a regular car.

Toby!

It's actually Cap's car.

He'll come along.
Meet us in back of the house.

Thank you very much.

Who's Cap?

I don't know.

Toby!

Yeah?

JOSH:
We got a ride.

Excuse me.
Yes?

You heard the speech,
right?
Oh, yes.

The section on HMOs,
did he land it?

I'm sorry?

He didn't, did he?

I thought he
was very good.

The muddy hole joke?

JOSH:
Toby.
Okay, thank you.

Let's go.

Never heard from
again, Josh.

MARGARET:
They're on their
way to Unionville.

Is the First Lady still
in Madison?

I'm pretty sure.
I'll check.

Tell me again
when the President's back.

3:00, wheels down.

What's his first?

Treasurer of the
United States

not to be confused
with Treasury Secretary.

The Treasurer
of the United States deals

with the color of money.

What's the meeting about?

Color currency.

Push it and push his meeting
on health and fitness.

I want the Trade Rep

and as many of the economic
advisors as we can at the 3:30.

Speaking of health
and fitness...

Oh, merciful God.

What did you have for...?

I had half a grapefruit.

Really?

You think I'm lying?

No.

Okay.

Yes.

I'll be in the Sit Room
for a minute.

I'd like him when he's done
at the site.

Good morning.

Leo.
Morning, Leo.
Good morning, Leo.

The Dow's down 260.

Is it going
to rebound?

What do I know?

Could somebody get me
half a grapefruit?

I got Jack LaLanne working
for me this week.

Let's go around the table
for the quicksheet.

A small force of North
Korean soldiers may stage

an incursion into the DMZ.

That's a reaction
to the President's trip
to Seoul, right?

Yeah.
Okay.

South America?

General Garcia
has declared himself

in rebellion
against Carlos Velasco.

Is Velasco's government
in danger

or is this just another
crazy general with guns?

No offense, Fitz.

Yeah.

The Venezuela Desk still says
wait'll Garcia calls

for the elections.
Okay. Africa.

The government of Mozambique
is requesting

a peacekeeping force
to help distribute grain.

A peacekeeping force
to distribute grain.

Yes, sir.

Middle East.

Nothing really.

We got a communiqué
from the new Ambassador.

To where?
I'm sorry.

Qumar.

About what?

Well, a month ago, they
reopened the investigation

into Shareef's
missing plane.

They find anything?

I don't know, but the Emergency
Locator Transmitter

never went off, so...

Yeah.

FITZWALLACE:
We'll assemble
all the military

rescue efforts
and feed them into State.

They can give the Ambassador
and the Sultan another report.

Yeah. All right.

Eastern Europe.

Warsaw transit workers are
threatening to go on strike.

Why?

Well, they haven't been
paid in four months.

Whoa, whoa,
you're not supposed to be here.

Yeah, I just wanted
to check with...

The orders were
very strict.

I just...
Hey, go home.

I am.

You haven't had a day off
since the Convention.

You've been up
the past two nights

and I don't want a zombie.

Right.

The energy book is done;
the Midwest poll is out.

Pawn off the surrogate
movements and get
a few hours sleep.

I just came to check
on the Southern Governors.

Somebody's got
to be watching the politics.

Somebody is-- the White House
Office of Political Affairs.

Where is he?

He's about to go
on at Ft. Bristol.

You know
the Dow's down 270.

Go to sleep.

I'm not fighting with you.

( plane engine whining )

BRUNO:
He should remind them
about the military pay raise.

C.J.:
He won't.

He should.
He won't.

Of course not.

We're adding a hundred
outpatient clinics

to the VA hospitals.

Is he going
to mention...?
No.

Of course not. Military
housing upgrades?

Bruno...

He should say

"We don't give
these people anything.

They earn it." Yeah?

Gehrman-Driscoll announced
before the bell

it was filing
for bankruptcy;

an hour later,
Jennings-Pratt and DWA.

They had exposure
in the fund?

Yeah.
I'm amazed
it's only down 270.

It's early.

That's what you want
to say to me?

BRUNO:
Mr. President...

Driscoll announced
it was filing

and Jennings and DWA
are in the fund.

Pay raises, military housing,
outpatient clinics.

It's against the law to
campaign on a military base.

Yes, technically.

No, legally.

Sir...
These army guys
are DRF-1.

They're Division Ready.

They can be deployed
in two hours.

These Navy guys are
going to deploy overseas

for six months.

Yes, sir.
I didn't realize...

C-bag and M-16, they're
on a C-130, going
wherever I tell them.

And that's when
their wives are told.

I don't want to screw
around with them.

I didn't realize
they were Division Ready.
Yeah.

You-You-You could
always wink an-and...

( march music continuing )

I'm kidding.
That was a joke.

I kid because I love.

MAN:
...the President
of the United States.

( cheering wildly )

Good morning.
We haven't met.

I'm your Commander in Chief.

( laughing )

It's just a regular
diesel engine.

There's no retrofitting.

The glow plugs heat up the fuel,
but from there

the soy diesel just keeps
exploding on itself

like any engine.

You did it yourself?

Aw, it's easy.

He's out there
right now.

He started.

We really need

to get this guy to Unionville.

He's going to wig.

He's out there.

Take your mind off it.

Think about the lovely Cathy--
farmer's daughter

with a master's degree?

Wholesome but...
maybe not too wholesome.

I think she liked you, too.

How do you know Cathy?

She's my girlfriend.

That's great.

She's really nice.

Is that corn out there?

Nope.

What is it?

Trees.

Okay.

PRESIDENT:
So, what will I remember?

What will I tell
my grandchildren?

I'll tell them that I stood
on the Great Wall of China

and that I stood in the well

of the U.S. House
of Representatives.

I'll tell them I sat
with kings and cardinals

and made an appointment
to the Supreme Court

and I'll tell them
that one morning in September

I got to spend a few minutes

with the men and women
of Air Wing One.

God bless you and your families

and may He continue
to shed His magnificent grace

upon the United States
of America.

Thank you so much.

( cheering and whistling )

CHOIR:
* Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the coming of the Lord *

* He has trampled out
the vintage *

* Where the grapes of wrath
are stored... *

Charlie?
Yeah?

Leo McGarry for
the President.

Thanks.
C.J.?

( clearing throat ):
I need to talk to
you about something.

In a minute, okay?

I've got Leo
for the President.

* ...Glory, glory hallelujah

* Glory, glory hallelujah...

You've got the President.

Good morning, sir.

How's it going?

You tell me.

It feels good.

You know about the Dow?

Jennings-Pratt was in the fund?

Yeah.

It'll rebound.
Yeah.

No kidding,
it feels good out here.

Good.

What are you doing?

I'm going to meet
with Fitzwallace for a minute.

About what?

Nothing.

You don't meet with Fitzwallace
about nothing.

Just something from the
quicksheet briefing.

What?
Nothing.

Leo...

Qumar's reopened
the investigation.

* ...marching on

* Glory, glory...

Mr. President?

Yeah, all right.

Well, we're coming home now.

Yes, sir.

* ...glory hallelujah

* Glory, glory hallelujah

* His truth is marching on.

( cheering )

( engine thrumming )

You sure we're not
taking you away

from something
you need to be doing?

No. Actually, this is
on the way to my job.

You have a second job?

I'm a claims adjuster.

That's unusual,
isn't it?

It has benefits.

You get to meet people?

No, I meant job benefits.
Health insurance.

It covers your father.

Uh-oh...

What is it?
You guys are going to kill me.

Is it out of gas?

There's a gas station

about a thousand yards
down the road.

Why are we slowing down?

Uh-oh.

Are we out of gas?
Diesel.

Are we out of it?

CATHY:
We're out of gas.
Diesel.

Nobody cares.

Cathy said there's
a gas station

about a thousand
yards down the road.

CAP:
They don't
have diesel.

They don't have diesel.

Did we run out of gas

because I said she was wholesome
but not too wholesome?

I can't make a car
run out of gas.

I don't know, you can make
glow plugs explode things.

Where's the closest diesel?

About ten miles.

All right, can I
suggest this: we've
missed Unionville.

We've got a little over an
hour till the plane leaves

and we can make it
if we call a volunteer

and have them pick us
up at the gas station.

You guys can have the
tow truck meet you there.

Oh, we're not calling
a tow truck.

It's just out of gas.
Diesel.

JOSH:
What are you
going to do?

We'll hitch to the farm
and pick some up.

Somebody's going to pick you up
out here?

( truck approaching )

You guys run out of diesel?

CAP:
Yeah.

Need a lift
back to the farm?

CAP:
Thanks!

Sy, these guys
work for Bartlet.

How you doing?

Didn't vote for him
the first time.

Don't plan to
the second time.

Have a good trip back.

Remember some of that
stuff I said, okay?

Thanks for all the help.

Okay, call the
State office.

Tell them to send
a local volunteer.

Tell them we
don't have time...

You're doing it, right?

Yeah.

( birds chirping )

This is fun.
We're roughing it.

( birds chirping )

This is fun.

The Chairman's here.
Thanks.

( door closes )

The tracks are covered.

Yeah.

We did a legitimate SAR

with the UK
and Royal Qumari Guard.

This is a plane that went down
in the Bermuda Triangle.

Plain and simple.

And that really happens.

What do you mean?
The Bermuda Triangle.

Does it really happen?

I thought maybe it was
like Toscanini landing
in a cornfield.

Planes, boats,
about 200 of them--

including five
Navy Avenger Bombers

and the rescue plane
that went in after them.

Is there a chance they're
going to find the plane?

We dismantled the ELT

left the plane in 27 pieces,
scattered among other wrecks

buried in underwater landslides
and limestone cliffs.

And if they find
the plane

there's still no evidence
of anything being anything.

These were SEALs
and these were Special Ops

and these guys
know what they're doing.

Okay.

Let's obviously stay
in touch during the day.

Yeah.

Just out of curiosity

what do you think
would happen?

I don't know what
would happen to you and me

but I'm pretty sure
the President would be invited

to see the inside
of the Hague.

Yeah, well, they can
invite all they want.

He ain't going.

Perhaps this would be
a good time

for you to reconsider
your position

on an international
war crimes tribunal.

Perhaps this would be
a good time

for you to...
Get out of your office.

Yeah.
Talk to you later.

Thank you.

C.J.:
We've got a new addition
to our running list

of things Robert Ritchie's not.

Speaking this morning at the
Philadelphia Financial Council

the Governor said,
"I'm no scientist, but I know

a thing or two about physics."

So, for the week,
you can add "scientist"

to "doctor," "mind reader"
and "Chinese."

C.J., do you have any idea

why there were women at the
First Lady's rally this morning

who were dressed in...
aprons and rolling pins?

They were dressed
in rolling pins?

They were holding
them, I guess.

This is
from the Milwaukee Sentinel.

I don't know.
Find out, though, would you?

Is the President coming back
for questions?

He's going to try,
but he's got to spend

some time in his office

interviewing secretary
candidates.

Steak sandwiches for lunch.
I'll see you later.

PRESIDENT:
It's still mostly
transportation

and technology?

And energy.

Have Josh and Toby weigh
in at some point, okay?

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

Thank you,
Mr. President.

Yeah.

Sir, this is Meredith Walker.

Come on in.
Nice to meet you.

Likewise,
Mr. President.

It's crazy, I know

but sometimes
the schedule gets so tight

that we have to schedule
meetings on the plane

so we ask you to fly with us
and hit you on the way back.

Yes, sir.

Were you impressed
by the plane?

It's an airplane, sir.

I'm not very
easily impressed.

It's got an apartment
and an operating room.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Well, you've met with
Donald McKittridge--

he directs the Office
of Presidential Personnel.

Yes.

You had a moment
to meet with Charlie Young?
Yes.

He probably mentioned
that this was a job

where you need to be able
to hold a lot of names and dates

and numbers in your head.

Yes.

You were told
what the pay scale is?

Yes.
And some of the perks?

Like what?
Well, for instance

we have our own 747,
and it's flown by
an Air Force general.

Yes.

Okay, let's talk about
your last job.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Forecast at 904 million bushels.

A 21% drop from last year to
1.14 billion bushels.

Production costs have risen to
$325 per acre of production.

Total loss of production
represents over 600 million
dollars.

Good morning.
Good morning.

We're stranded
and waiting for a ride.

Do you mind
if we wait here?

How did you get stranded?

Well, we work
for the President, actually

and he was campaigning
nearby this morning and...

Oh, yeah.

...we got left behind
by the motorcade,
then our ride

ran out of diesel...

Didn't vote for him
the first time.

Don't plan on voting for him
the second time.

Okay.

Well, we'll just wait outside,
if that's all right.

I don't like loitering.

Well, we'll just be
a few minutes, I'm sure.

Can we just call ahead
and make sure

the plane's going to be there
when we get there?

It'll be there.

Will you call ahead?

I've been calling.

I can't get anyone
on their cell.

They're in a bad
calling area.

Keep trying.

( loud clang )

See that?

( clang )

First guy to miss?

What's the bet?

First guy to miss

has to shave his beard.

For the rest of the day...

first guy to miss...

anytime he says his name,
has got to follow it with

"I work at the White House."

Alright.

But I don't think you've met
our current host.

Here we go.

( clang )

( clanging )

You didn't say if you thought it
was a good event this morning.

Well, I didn't
see the President
speak this morning.

I know.

I was out there talking
with Cathy-- I was asked to.

Yeah.

I was.

But you read the remarks.

Yeah.

( clanging )

What was your problem?

You know what, Toby?

I don't want this to be

a high blood pressure day
for me, either.

( country music continues )

( dull clattering )

( rock music on radio )

DONNA:
It's great
that you're volunteering, Tyler.

You're not even old enough
to vote, and here you are

working for a campaign.
That's great.

They give us
school credit.

Well, good
for your school.

I mean, that's not
the only reason

I did it or anything.

You like the President?

Yeah, I think
he's okay.

I mean, most
of my friends
are for Ritchie.

Not that they're
that political

or anything,
I guess

but their parents
are for Ritchie

so, you know,
I guess...

Yeah.

"He pretends there are
no energy alternatives

'cause he can't
think of any."

That wasn't in the
staff copy yesterday.

How did it make it
into the speech today?

"He pretends there are
no energy alternatives

because he can't
think of any."

They. They can't
think of any.

JOSH:
When we were
touring flood damage

in Missouri
last Thursday

four times the
President said

"Emergency
management's
complex."

It is complex.

What does that
matter to people

who just lost
their house?

Finding a place

for their kids to sleep
tonight is complex.

Thanks, 'cause I was
having a tough time

prioritizing that one.

Sustainable growth in Michigan

new economy in Ohio.

Information technology
in Pennsylvania.

That's what you talk about
in September.

That's what we mapped out
a year ago.

You and Bruno and the President
are calling audibles.

That's 'cause
we're coming to the line

and we're seeing a hairdo
from Florida in pass coverage

and so that's where we want
to put the ball...

What's your concern?

I have any number of concerns

not the least
of which is we'll lose.

I don't think so.
When did we decide

to make this about being
the smartest kid in the class?

What meeting
did I miss?

I have to pull
over for a minute.

Let me tell you something.

What did he say?

This will just take a minute.

Kiki!

TOBY:
What the hell... ?

You don't return
phone calls anymore.

KIKI:
I return some.

Thanks a lot.

You know, we have
to get back to school.

What about the stuff
I sent to your house?

Yeah, could you
stop sending
stuff to my house?

It's kind of creepy.

Yeah, you know what?

Sue me, I guess,
'cause I love you.

Place me
under arrest, Kiki.

Let's everybody
do that.

Let's everybody
get a-a writ

of injustice, lock me up
and throw the book.

Tyler...

Just a second,
Mr. Lyman.

You can't be creepy
stalking guy, okay?

You're not that
guy, Tyler.

You're better
than that.

Not that much better.

Would you get in there?

GIRL:
You have to
move on, Tyler.

You have to live
in the now.

You're totally
stressing her.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry
to interrupt

in what obviously is a private
moment between the two of you

and your... two friends.

We came in this morning...

We know who you are.
We're not rednecks.

Okay. Well,
I'm Donna Moss

and this is
my boss.

Josh Lyman.

Toby Ziegler.

Anyway, we're very
crunched for time

and we think that you...

I work at the White House.

GIRL #2:
Wow, humongous whoop.

JOSH:
Come on. He's
Communications Director.

It's a decent-sized whoop.

How many unborn babies did
you guys kill today?

Whoa, hey, danger,
Will Robinson.

Tyler, no fooling around.

We've got 15 minutes
to get to a plane

that is three miles
from here.

That plane-- I swear to God--
is taking off at 1:00.

It's taking off
at 1:00?

Yes, it is.
Are you guys stupid
or something?

It's 12:45.

No, not here it's not.

Oh, my God,
she's right.

See, we crossed over
from Unionville

into Dearborn County

which doesn't observe
Daylight Savings Time.

GIRL:
I think it's
the other way
around, genius.

What did I ever do to you?

DONNA:
It says on the schedule,
"All times are local."

This is why I couldn't
get anyone on their cell.

Wait, wait. No, no.
You're not...

We changed time zones?

We changed time...

We changed time zones?!

TYLER:
It's a-a common mistake.

Not for the U.S.
government!

What kind of schmuck-ass
system can this possibly...

That's good!
That's perfect!

How did... ?
I don't understand.

JOSH:
Perfect. Just the break
I'm looking for.

TOBY
What do... what do... ?
People, they just...

They reset their watches
when they commute?

I can't take
working here!

They just change their watches

every time
they cross a time zone?

What is this, a joke?!

JOSH:
Serving my country.

Okay, this is a
whole new thing now.

My guys are
going to need

to walk this off
a little bit

before they
can regroup.

Kiki, you and
your friends get
back to school.

Tyler, you and I
are going to come
up with a plan

to get us to a
commercial airport.

Okay.

How long are they
going to be?

A couple
more minutes.

Okay.

( knock at door )

CHARLIE:
C.J.?

Yeah.

You wanted to talk to me?

I'm sorry?

You said back
at the base

that you wanted
to talk to me.

Oh, yeah. Listen,
I wanted to ask you something.

Simon was a Big Brother
to a kid named Anthony Marcus.

I met him a
couple of times.

I've been trying
to spend a little time with him.

He's not wild about me.

He's associating you
with Simon's death.

I did that for a while

with some of the cops
my mom worked with.

Yeah?

Well, he was arrested
for stealing a car.

He stole his homeroom
teacher's car

drove around
for a few hours

and left it in front
of a strip club.

You could chalk it up
to a stupid prank

except Anthony had a string
of shoplifting incidents

before Simon came along

so the ADA sees it

as an escalating problem
which is...

Graduating from
a misdemeanor to a felony?

Right, and she's pushing
juvenile detention.

I've spoken to her

and if a White House staffer
will play a role in his life

she's willing to reconsider.

God, C.J....

I know.

I just got Deanna off to school.

I know.

And with the
campaign now

the days are even longer.

I didn't even think
that was possible.

I know, it was a long shot.

I just don't think

I'm the right guy for the job.

C.J.?
Yeah?

I'm sorry.

I've got an answer
on the rolling pins.

Okay.

I shouldn't have asked you.

I'm glad you did.

Listen, you're not just going

to ask the people
who look like me, right?

'Cause a Big
Brother's a
Big Brother.

It doesn't...

Sam's next.

( phone ringing )

Hi, it's Sam.

I'm sleeping for a few hours
right now

so you can leave a message
or if you really need me

you can shout into the machine,
and I'll wake up.

JOSH ( shouting ):
Sam!

( metal clanging )

It's all right.

It's all right. Hang on.

No problem.

Hi. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry, buddy.

I know you're supposed
to be sleeping today.

No, it's no problem.

What's going on?

I'm with Toby and Donna

and we are stranded
somewhere in Indiana.

You got left behind
by the motorcade?

Yeah.

And then we ran out of gas

and then there was a time zone
foul-up

and also, we were waylaid
by some mean schoolgirls.

Alpha girls, you know
what I'm saying?

Josh.
They were.

So, what are you doing now?

We're getting a lift
to the Connersville Metro

which is going to take us
to Indianapolis

where we're going
to get a flight

to either Dulles

BWI or La Guardia.

Listen, if you want
to give me your call sheets

and I can farm out
a few memos for you.

I actually need you
to do more than that, Sam.

I need you
to staff the President.

He's got one of those days.

I don't know

what it is you do in there.

Yeah, you do.

Anything ceremonial

security related or personal,
you leave the room.

As it gets later in the day

he's going to start
to talk to you.

You're going to tell him

how the meeting he just had
with his Council

of Economic advisers relates

to the meeting he had
with the Agriculture Secretary

relates to his intelligence
briefing

relates to the environment

relates to jobs,
relates to education

relates to the campaign.

You're his wide-angle lens.

There are going
to be any number of areas

in which I can't
give him expert advice.

Welcome to the club, partner.

We got jackets.

All right.

I'm not going to let you down.

You never do.

Get dressed... now.

Let's get to the
train station.

You ever love so
much it hurts?

Like, physically hurts?

Get in the car.

PRESIDENT:
There's a tremendous amount

of information
you'll need to keep track of:

dates, names, numbers,
things I'm not good with.

That's unusual, isn't it?

What's that?

A man
of your intellect

not being good
with names and numbers.

Especially an economist
of your stature.

It's not intellect,
it's memory.

It's a different gift.

A wonderful one.

I've never had it.

There are exercises
you can do.

Well... okay, I'll try
and find that time

but let's get back to you.

What would you say was the most

challenging part
of working

for the Ambassador
to France?

The pliable relationship
the French have with time.

Mmm.

Yes, sir?

I make fun of the French
as much as anybody

and I don't even know
what that meant.

I meant...
Nah, that's okay.

I think you're
terrific

and I appreciate
you coming in

and talking to us.

Thank you, sir.

I look forward
to hearing from your office.

Thanks again.

I'll be right with you.

Can you see Bruno?

Yeah.

Hey.

You want some good news,
Mr. President?

Please. The market's down
425 points.

Well, I think
it's going to rally

but even if it doesn't

this one isn't
attributable
to anything...

I know.
I'm saying...

425 points represents
billions of dollars

which aren't there anymore
heading into the fourth quarter

which is Christmas.

Well, I think it's
going to rally.

What's your good news?

We've held or
made slight gains

in almost all the polls.

ABC/Washington Post,
Bartlet 50, Ritchie 44.

I'm all right referring
to you colloquially?

CBS/New York Times

Bartlet 50,
Ritchie 43.

NBC/Wall Street Journal,
Bartlet 49, Ritchie 43.

You said almost all.

CNN/USA Today/Gallup,
Bartlet 46, Ritchie 45.

Why does Gallup have it
a one-point race?

It's 'cause...

'Cause they're polling
likely voters

and not registered
voters.

That's why

they're getting the
same numbers we do.

Wait till the debates.

Election's in six weeks,
Mr. President.

The world was created
in a lot less time.

Well, one day
I'll buy you a beer

and you'll tell us all
how you did it.

Thank you, sir.

Bruno.

Yup.

Yesterday, the First
Lady appeared on KCAL

which is a local
L.A. station.

She was asked about
the suspension

of her medical license

and she said
something like

"I'm just a wife
and a mother."

And that has been interpreted
in some circles

as merely a wife and mother?

This is Flint Aldridge, a
Southern Baptist radio host.

"This is another sign
that Abbey Bartlet is

a liberal elitist
feminist."

Elitist, feminist--

you can't do that
to the English language.

And this is from
Janet Ritchie.

Janet Ritchie went
on the record?

"Being a wife and mother

"are the most
rewarding roles

"I've ever played.

"I think Abbey
Bartlet and I

have two different
ambitions."

Ooh, she won $50.

Said the magic word
right there-- ambition.

Phylis Schlafly
and Ann Coulter

are going to have
a square dance.

Anyway, it's waiting for
us down on the ground.

Then let's stay up
here and have drinks.

PILOT:
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

Janet Ritchie really went
on the record?

Yeah.

I love it
when the women get involved.

and I'm going to ask those
who are so inclined

to take their seats
and fasten their seat belts.

SAM:
It's Bryce.

Then it's Peter Lien
and a photo-op.

What's the photo-op?

It's a man who's shaken the hand
of every President

since Herbert Hoover.

All right.

Do we have some
sort of condensed

Reader's Digest index of...
well, all human knowledge?

We usually
just use Margaret.

Okay, well, we'll have
to talk about that

but we'll do it
another time.

Yeah.

Soon, though.

Why don't you
get me my notes

from this morning's
speech in Bloomfield?

I've got them out.

Hey, were there women with
aprons and rolling pins

at a rally in Madison,
Wisconsin, this morning?

Yeah.

Why?

Abbey Bartlet's a lesbian.

What the hell
does that mean

"I love it
when the women get involved"?

She's talking
to me, right?

Abbey...

I'm not talking about
Abbey and Janet Ritchie.

I'm talking about the women,
the voters

continuing
their unbroken streak.

The biggest nonsense issue
in the campaign

will belong to the women.

Does Abbey Bartlett
love her children?

Next week, Grandpa:
friend or foe?

This is not a woman's issue.

This is a dumb woman's issue.

I think anybody who's got
a five-point majority

and still doesn't control
the agenda

might be spending
a little too much time

reading about how to get a man
over his fear of commitment.

Remind me to mention that to
the population of South Africa.

You know what?
In the scheme of things?

Took them about five minutes.

Can we start?

Yeah.

Has anybody seen tape
on this?

C.J.:
I still haven't.

CAROL:
We're getting it.

She was asked
about her license.

She said, "Right now,
I'm just a wife and a mother."

Option one is
we make a joke out of it.

BRUNO:
We make a
joke out of it?

What would we have to do to it
to make...?

Yeah, the rolling pins
took care of that.

It is prêt-à-porter.
Remind to get
Josh in on this.

Option two?

It's Monday.

Yeah, why?

Nothing. It was just
something I said.

All right, ten minutes.

We get the stuff to go.

( sighs )

Tyler?

Yes, sir?

What's a Hoosier?

A Hoosier's someone
from Indiana.

Afternoon.

Yes.

We'd like some
food to go.

What would you like?

What's good?

Everything.

What's your
specialty?

Taking someone's order
and giving it to them.

Okay.

I saw you drive up.

You people
going to cause trouble.

I swear not on purpose.

Every time he comes around here,
there's trouble.

I don't want leaflets
in my place.

You handing out
leaflets?

No, uh, we just
want the food.

Yeah, well,
what do you need?

You wouldn't say
there was some sort
of local delicacy...

I'm getting my husband.

Right, uh...?

( slaps menu )

Excuse me.

Would you mind terribly

if I changed the channel
to CNN for just a minute?

I've, uh, been a little
out of touch today.

I would like to check in
with what's been going on.

Earl and Fiona
don't get cable TV.

Three channels
are enough.

The picture's fuzzy today.

I think there's going
to be weather.

What the hell, boy?

I was just asking
what's good.

Yeah?

We'll take
four cheeseburgers.

The dry rub is good.

Dry rub?

Yeah.

You dry rub the beef with spices
for a day or two.

Sauce is a myth.

Okay.

See, Fiona, this is

exactly what I
was talking about.

Shut up!

We'll take it to go.

She's been in a bad mood for...

well, about 45 years now,
I guess.

DONNA:
Out in the parking lot

when you said it's Monday,
I flashed on the song.

A few days ago,
someone told me that

a girl shot up her school
one morning

and when they asked her why,
she said, "I don't like Mondays"

and that's where the song
comes from.

Yeah.

You knew that?
Yeah.

That's where
the song comes from?
Yeah.

I'm sorry about the time zones.

Why is it we cite

Ritchie's advisors
by name?

The Milton Friedman
economic plan?

The Leonard Tynan
education plan?

It's our way of calling
him a puppet, right?

Josh, he cites them
more than we do

which is his way of saying

"I want to be President

the same way
you want a cold beer."

No. It's his way
of saying

"I think it's great

that Bartlet's
a Nobel Prize winner.

When I'm elected, I'm going
to hire me some of those."

No, no.

Should be what he's saying.

What he's saying is

"Eastern education isn't for
real men, but don't worry.

I'll have Jews
for the money stuff."

You mind calling
C.J. for me?

That line from the
convention speech--

"challenges too great for
a Potemkin presidency"?

It is true.

Most people weren't
the smartest kid in the class.

Most people didn't like
the smartest kid in the class.

Yeah?

I don't care
how subliminal it is.

This can't be
a national therapy session.

C.J.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hey, before I forget,
if you see Josh

could you ask him
to stop by my office?

Toby?

What?

She'd like you to
stop by her office.

Toby, are you there?

C.J., it's me.

Did you happen to notice that
we weren't on the plane?

You weren't on the plane?

We missed the plane.

What happened between Unionville
and the plane?

We missed Unionville.
We missed the motorcade.

Bummer.

Yeah.

FIONA:
Dry rub's up!

I love dry rub.

They take the meat and...

Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Seth Weinberger's
assistant

has come forward
with the information

that he was having an
affair with a colleague

and a newspaper
has printed it.

What's
the assistant's thing?

You tell me.

He'd already stepped
down over OSHA.

It's been two months.

This is an assistant getting
her name in the paper

and it's unbelievably
hurtful to his wife.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand the
paper printing it, either

but that's another day.

This is terrible.

Yes, sir.

Secretary Bryce.

Good.

Is there a place you'd like me
to stand or sit?

Hmm?
BRYCE:
Mr. President.

Mitch, come on in.

Just rock
and roll, Sam.

Hey.

Josh likes to
stand over there.

BRYCE:
I wanted to mention
first of all, Mr. President

that I think you could seek

Commerce's input on, uh...

I'm not going to say
what you could seek.

Actually, Mr. Secretary

if you're talking
about the stump speech

and energy
in particular

that's not the
President's fault

that's mine.

I was just looking
at my notes from...

We have your input.

You're talking
about the exemption.

It is sheer lunacy

to suggest America
takes unilateral steps

while exempting

80% of the world's nations
from the same obligations.

Developing nations, and
I think what's lunacy

is a nation of SUVs telling
a nation of bicycles

that they have to change

the way they live
before we'll agree

to do something
about greenhouse emissions.

Among our economic
competitors

there's the principle
of fairness.

Well, in international law

there's a principle called
differentiated responsibilities.

We're the ones making
the greenhouse gas!

You're losing the support
of the business community.

PRESIDENT:
Mr. Secretary

it's not your job
to tell me whose
support I'm losing.

We have people who do that.

It's your job to
tell me whose support

you just got for me.
Yes, sir.

Okay.

Thank you,
Mr. President.

Ed.

Well, I'm Larry, sir.

Whatever. Seth
Weinberger's
old assistant...
I saw that.

I don't think a lot
of blind loyalty

but I think a lot less
of blind betrayal.

That's why I haven't
gotten married yet, sir.

Yeah, that's probably why.

Congressman Lien.

Could somebody get Leo for me,
please?

Peter, you hear that?

He called you
"Congressman."

Yes, sir.

( chuckling )

You think when
your folks got you out

in '74, they imagined
they were taking you

to a place that'd be willing
to make you a Congressman?

As a matter of fact, sir

I think that's exactly
what they imagined.
Me, too.

How's fishing?
It's been
a good season.

You catch any marlin?

Marlin's a game fish, sir.

Not a lot of
people eat them.

Takes a fisherman to catch one,
though, right?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I'm just saying.

LEO:
Good afternoon,
Mr. President.

Leo, meet Congressman
Peter Lien, Texas 22nd.

Peter, this is Leo McGarry

U.S. Air Force,
144th Fighter Wing.

Pleased to meet
you, Congressman.

Peter's family
fishes in Galveston Bay

but they don't catch marlin.

It's a sore spot, and he doesn't
like to talk about it.

Peter's 34 years old.

I'm sorry
it's been two months

and we haven't been able to
get you up here until now.

No, please, it's a busy time.

If there's any help
I can give you in Texas...

Ordinarily
I would tell you

that Jim Coor was
a good public servant

and you've got big shoes
to fill, and he was

and you do,
but obviously

you have a bigger symbolic
responsibility than that.

Yes, sir.

But your biggest responsibility
isn't symbolic, right?

Yes, sir.

What is it?

It's to my district,
my country

and the Congress
of the United States.

Welcome, my friend,
to the show that never ends.

Thank you,
Mr. President.

Isn't that
a hell of a thing?

( chuckles )

What's next?