Original subtitles

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- Papa, I need the bathroom! - Come on, get out!

I like to boogie with my peeps Cruise and Creep

Playin'three-Cardmoney on these Crazy streets

Greathustler I'm gonna sCam in a minute

So low to the floor PiCk the poCket on a midget

SliCkshyster The PestMeister

Living life in Miami's viCe Ma, see

Nobodymesses with the frog, see Where'syour Messiahnow

NiCelady, I'm hurting I'msexybutl'm hurting

Allright, alreadyl'm "ridiCuliCulous" Likeabooger, IstiCk to this

Takea whiffofthis I'mstinky dinky

Twostinky dinky

Voodoo Mambo Chili Congo

OldsChoolbeatmeets Latin freak andyoudon'tstop

OldsChoolbeatmeets Latin freak Youdon'tquitandyoudon'tstop

Mirror, mirroron the wall whois thesliCkestofthem all

It's thesChemingestkeenestsCam artist God, it's so hard to be modest!

JaCkmaybenimble butl'm asexsymbol

SosliCk Istole the wiCk from his CandlestiCk

I'm in themoodtosCam simplybeCause ICan

I'm the Latin Houdini

Disappearina flash withyour Cash andl'm baCk likeagenie

Lucy, I'm home! Don't do that to me, Lucy!

Freak to the east Freak to the west

Freakbigbootiesandbig Chest

Yes, y'all, and it's like that! Why, certainly!

Getstupid, getretarded 'Cause Pest'llget thepartystarted

Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?

- FunkadoCious, grooviloCiousatroCious - What a maroon!

What a maroon! What a freak!

What a sucker-butt!

I'm theman ofamillion disguises

I'm as Crazyas theymake them orshake them orbreak them

SosCientific, hate tobespeCific E=mC2

Multiply, divideit, slide up insideit blendit, mixit

- Damn, I'm terrific - Pestario!

Did somebody summon me?

Hello, Cleavers.

Hello, June.

Hello, Ward.

Oh, I see Eddie Haskell is here.

I'm so proud. My son, the delivery boy.

Your mom's birthday's coming up.

What areyou gonna steal for her this year?

I don't know. I haven't decided yet. Ma, what doyou want?

- Surprise me. - I will!

Pestario, you'rejust a common hustler.

There is nothing common about the way I dance!

Shall we?

Mom!

Great.

That was nasty. Look at the time.

So long, my family. I must go to work. Love, peace and chicken grease.

Good morning, Pestario.

Mr. Shank, we've been searching for hours.

No one in this neighborhood will fulfill our needs.

Perhaps we should return home?

You're too impatient, Leo.

A good hunter must always remember...

the most challenging prey is often the most difficult to find.

Father Shillelagh. How areyour Blarney stones?

I wanted to thankyou personally for helping at the church bazaar.

- It was bizarre, wasn't it? - Yes, it was.

You know, your booth made more money than any other.

What can I say?

It was impossible to knock down those milk bottles.

You don't suppose it was divine intervention?

Father, ifthis is the way you keep secrets...

I'm gonna save myjuicy confessions for Father Garcia.

I'll sail away now. Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious!

Bless you, my son.

I think.

Children! Such carefree exuberance.

Such pure innocence at play.

Those little runts. I'll teach 'em.

Hey, moron, we need one more for basketball.

You're with the fat loser-boy.

- Why do they call you fat loser-boy? - I think because I'm fat and neverwin.

We're gonna change that. The part about neverwinning.

Betyour lunches. First point wins.

All right, you son ofa freak, no fouls, no calls, no outs. Check.

Sucker!

What? It's all your fault! Lfyou were a good player, maybe we would've won.

We won! We won! Give meyour lunches.

That'll teach you a lesson. Get outta here!

Don't worry, they'll never call you a loser again.

Thanks, mister.

Hey, mister, wait a minute. I'm stuck.

- Is that the Mack Daddy pimp? - What's up?

- What's up? - Lunch is on me, freaks.

So where is my super-scam shell game apparatus?

Pest, don't doubt me. We got it.

Excellent, man. This scam is foolproof.

I'm gonna be the King ofCorruption. The Duke of Deception.

Whoa. Pest, that's whatyou say about all your scams.

- What aboutyour bets with the mob? - Yeah. You owe them $50,000.

Areyou guys my accountants?

For God's sake, have a little faith in the Pest. A little faith.

I got all my bases covered. I got contingency plans.

Pest. All we're saying is that...

this scamming thing's dangerous.

All right. Lfit will make my bestest offriends feel better...

I'm going to promise I'm never going to scam again as long as I live.

That would be good.

- I'm proud ofyou. - We can stop getting you out oftrouble.

The key to this scam is to convince people I am blind.

You never learn.

WelCome to the festivalofMiami.

These people are all so teeny!

There must be a worthy candidate here.

Pest, look, there's Xantha.

Hey, baby! Hey, baby!

We'll catch up toyou later.

Hey, baby. How's my Nubian bucket oflove?

My ebony delight, myAfricanicus romanticus.

Where was your sorry Latin buttocks last night?

Baby, easywith the nagging.

You missed dinnerwith my parents!

Yeah! You missed dinner with her parents last night, loser!

Doyou mind ifl talk to my girlfriend alone?

Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Malaria.

- Anything? - Anything!

Fine. Malaria's got mossy teeth and a fat butt!

Thesejeans make me look fat.

No, Malaria. Your fat butt makes you look fat.

Baby, I'm sorry.

There's nothing more I want to do than be with my girlfriend's parents.

Let's reschedule a site for tomorrow. Huh, curly locks?

- Can't. - Why?

Baby, what a dufus! What a freak! I totally forgot...

Forget it. I'm outta here.

Xantha-poo, come on, baby.

I'll skip my previous commitment.

Really? You'll come to dinner?

Absofreakinglutely. I'll makeyour parents love me and ask me to marryyou.

- How? - I'll tell 'em you're pregnant.

- What? - He'll tell 'em you're pregnant.

Pest-man, we gotta go. Sorry.

Love, peace and chicken grease.

Bye, honey.

You're pregnant?

Step right up.

Money is flying out ofmy pocket. Play the coconut shell game.

There's a winner born every minute.

I got $20 that says I can find that ball.

Okay, people, we've got a taker.

Cross my hand, I fool the rich man, poor man, but not the policeman.

Which shell is it under? You must tell me because I'm blind.

Soccer boy, come here. Yeah, you.

- Oh, thereyou are. - How'd you catch that ball?

Telepathy. You lose one sense, you gain another.

- How'd you know I was male? - I could hearyour gonads shaking.

You should wear more support, shorty.

Maybe, maybe. Yeah, that's more like it.

That is the specimen I want.

Find out about him, and I'll make the necessary preparations.

Yes, Mr. Shank.

Oh! What a pathetic choice.

Which shell is it under?

Sorry, sucker, you lose.

No, you lose, brah!

Did I hear something fall?

Knock, knock. Who's there?

We work forAngus. Areyou Pest Vargas?

Areyou the doctor?

Oh, my, Grandma, what large pores you have.

Definitely not a plastic surgeon.

Oh, my God, you're hideous. Repulsive, even!

You have a lump! You poor misshapen creature!

We can profit from your misfortune.

For $1, take a picture with Elephant Man in a kilt!

Get him!

Do something! You know karate!

Angus wants his money.

You wouldn't hit a blind man, would you?

How doyou feel about asthmatics? I can't breathe!

Emotionally-challenged people?

What about epileptics? Hold my tongue!

- Get 'em! - You guys are in trouble now.

- Chubby and I will take care ofthem! - Chubby and I?

Let's air our differences, fellas.

My favorite delivery boy.

What happened toyou? You late!

Me loveyou long time.

Wait. Why I don't understand any ofyour Chinese?

I from south. Different dialect. Right? Everybody know that.

So am I. I am from south, too.

But I from far, far, far south!

Eat some grits, y'all.

Whereveryou come from, you late for last time.

You don't look Chinese. You look like Moe from Three Stooges. You're fired.

Please, give me another chance! I'll never do it again, I promise.

You don't know the troubles I've seen! My grandmother's sick.

I've got a good excuse this time. Listen.

I was taking a walkwith my pet dog...

Duck. My duck!

When he ranned offon me, I was about to...

Oh, my God!

Quacky! Quacky! What have they dided toyou?

- Which one is he? - I don't know.

They all look the same!

I'll have to call my lawyer and tell him I can't find Quacky.

Lawyer?

This must be Quacky, with that sweet little smile.

Gimme that!

Poor little Quacky. Don't worry. I'll buryyou in France likeyou wanted.

- You kill Quacky? - No! L, I might have.

- Why? - I'm sorry.

I loved little Quacky.

- Mr. Cheung? - Yes?

- Can I talk toyou? - Yes.

Can I talk toyou over here? Over here?

- Over here? - Okay.

- Can I useyour phone? - You're not calling your lawyer?

Notyet.

First I have to call my family and tell them about...

About Quacky.

Yes, ofcourse, ofcourse.

Don't worry. Anything you need, just let me know.

- Okay, there is one thing. - Yes?

Quacky always wanted to be served extra-crispy.

- Could you do that? - No problem.

No MSG? An extra order ofrice? Thankyou.

You're verywelcome. Don't worry. I take care ofyou.

You're wonderful. Really.

Hello.

Angusie?

You rapscallion! You naughty man, you!

I'm hurted you sent ruffians after me. I was gonna surpriseyou with a check!

Listen. You've owed $50,000 for three weeks!

You'd show more respect ifwe were the Italian mob.

Don't start again.

People don't take us seriously because we're Scottish.

People will take us seriously when they see what we do toyou.

Angusie, homeinsky! All I need is time.

What is today?

The first day ofthe rest ofour lives?

Sean Connery's birthday?

Sean Connery's birthday?

Listen. Today is Monday.

I want the moneyWednesday or I'll kill your family.

How 'bout Thursday, andyoujust take outa Cousin?

Oh, bad connection.

I bring you the cash... I can't...

Whatever.

Extra-crispy. Just likeyou wanted.

My poor Quacky.

Poor Quacky. Can I get extra plum sauce?

You have no time. You have delivery to do! Go! Hurry!

Plum sauce!

Soon Ishallreturn...

to the glorious dank splendor ofthe homeland...

and be away from all this nauseating pastel.

Excuse me.

Your Chinese food has arrived.

Yummy! Where?

Got it, got it, got it!

What is that?

That's the oneyou requested. The blind Latino.

I most certainly did not! I wanted the athletic Latino!

- Butyou pointed at him. - Whywould I pick a blind man?

Sir, he's not really blind. He's a scam artist.

A very fast and agile one.

Mr. Vargas here runs numbers out ofhis Chinese restaurant, but unfortunately...

some ofhis own bets turned sour.

- How sour? - He owes the Scottish mob $50,000.

I didn't know there was a Scottish mob!

lfhe doesn't pay in two days, they'll kill him.

- Hello! - Hi!

Just doing our MSG test. Everything seems to pass inspection.

That's $52.23 for the food...

$100 delivery charge 'cause we don't normally come out here.

Why is that? You afraid ofwhite people?

'Causeyou all carry diseases my people don't have immunities for.

Perhaps you'rejust being paranoid.

Could you back off?

You spit when you talk. I'm susceptible to airborne syphilises.

" Pest." Is thatyour name...

or a personality trait?

My real name is Pestario Rivera Garcia Espinoza...

Juan Marcos Neruda Salsa Picante Vargas.

Butyou can call me Pestario. Pest, for shorter.

Now we're even.

What is a Latin boy doing delivering Chinese food?

Chinese food?

Oh, my God!

The MSG, the chopsticks, the disappearing dogs!

Now it all makes sense. And I thought theywere eccentric Mexicans.

What a fool! What a sucker-butt!

Oh, a hot wench! Yeah, baby!

Mywife!

Oops! I'm bad.

Sorry.

- I sawyou earlier today on the street. - You did?

You probably didn't see me becauseyou were blind at the time.

Soyou unearthed my horrible secret.

I am blind! I am!

I am blind!

I've been blind to other people's faults.

Please don't tell! I was going to become dumpling boy next week.

Why isn't a smart boy likeyou...

in college?

It's painful to discuss.

I hit puberty in the first grade, and there's only so many times...

a seven-year-old can be called "fire hose" before he cracks.

That's really too bad because my family provides...

a $50,000 cash scholarship...

to minority students, and I thought...

- $50,000? - Yeah.

- $50,000? - Yup, that's it.

Look at that. Will you touch it?

The fire hose is gone! It's a miracle.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I want to learn! I want to go to school!

- You do? - Yes.

Good! I'm so glad you're so eager!

Let us celebrate, all right?

Here.

Ofcourse I have to administer a few small tests beforeyou qualify.

Tests?

Hey, can I get one ofthese tables for my dorm room?

Turn it up! This is fun. Come on.

All right...

crank it up.

Yeah!

Wait a minute.

I don't feel so well.

I feel...

You will do as many repetitions as you can manage in one minute. Go!

One.

Ready?

I wasn't ready. Try again.

Try one more time.

He's the worst candidate we have ever had.

I will showyou the shot that won me the reform school championship...

and the tag "8-Ball Kid."

I'm sorry. I'm awful sorry.

But I knowyou don't care becauseyou Germans are the greatest!

Next time somebody says Germans are humorless people...

I'm gonna tell them to come to this house.

I must tell you...

Soyou started a few wars, all right?

Actually, you started everywar. It's not likeyou everwon one!

We kicked France's ass.

Please! Who doesn't, right?

Your scores were so abysmal that...

And yourwomen! Soyou dig fat chicks.

What do the rest ofus care? We don't have to touch them.

It's like riding a moped. It's fun till your friends catch you doing it.

You failed!

You lost the scholarship. You can't go.

Stop repeating what I'm saying.

I mean it!

All right, okay!

You're the ideal candidate for the scholarship.

I am? I am? Oh, snap! Oh, joy!

Get stupid. Get ooh-eh! Get eh-eh.

I can't think ofanything I would rather do before returning to the homeland...

than ridding the earth ofthis creature!

Go get the contract.

Time to sign the contract.

Sign there on the dotted line. Here.

I took a legal correspondence course and I'm only two credits away.

What's all this stuff about maiming and death?

Legal mumbojumbo.

All right.

Just sign.

What's this about "I waive my legal rights" and whatnot?

Some kid sued us lastyear over a stubbed toe, so we had to add it.

- Just sign. - All right.

What's this about...

- Soyou don't want the $50,000. - I do want it!

- College is a big commitment. - I'll be committed.

- We'll give it to someone else. - Give it to me.

- I want it! - Forget it!

Perhaps a toast?

I'm in like sin.

Now, we have a little tradition.

All the winnersjoin me for a little gentlemanly hunt on my private island.

Goody. What'll we hunt?

- Deer. - Goose.

- Goose. - Deer.

Deergoose.

Ja. Deergoose.

We hunt a deergoose. It's...

- Indigenous. - Indigenous to my island.

To the hunt!

Sorry.

Hurry up!

I can't wait to bag me a deergoose!

I hear the meat's a delicacy. Nobody fricassees like I fricassee.

- I'm going to kill him now! - Remember, thejoy ofthe hunt.

- Can I fly it? - No, sit down and be quiet.

You can't talk to me like that.

You gotta keep the concentration for the pilot.

He's the pilot?

23,099bottles ofbeeron the wall

23,099bottles ofbeeron the wall Take one down, passitaround...

- There's the island. - We made it!

At last! We're there!

Soyou'll let me fly? Come on!

There's so many buttons. How doyou know which one's the one?

YouCan Change forthehunt in thestudy.

Thankyou.

Try not to break anything.

"The United States ofGermany."

Somebody's a sore loser.

Books! I love to read.

"The Rise and Fall ofThe Third Reich."

" Mein Kampf."

"Sex Be Nimble, Sex Be Quick."

You speak German?

You're the new scholarship student.

- I'm here for the hunt, then to Harvard. - You really believe that?

I would settle forYale, but...

I love Boston in the spring.

Rowing on the Charles. Gathering leaves in the quad.

The colorwars.

Norman, is thatyou?

My father tells you you're going to college and you believe him?

Oh, snap. You're ShankJunior, huh?

My name is Himmel.

I mean, hi, Himmel.

Your father seems like a great guy for a disturbed individual.

No offense. But I trust him.

What makes you think he'd tell you the truth when I am his own son...

and he's been lying to me his entire life?

Well, it seems like the two ofyou have issues to work out.

I'm going to go outside.

Doyou know what he did to me when I was a child?

No, but why don't we get Leo and tell him?

He locked me in a room with a boa constrictor...

and told me I couldn't get out until I killed it.

The important thing is thatyou got out and you're fine. You know?

He kept me in that room for six weeks!

But look at the wonderful complexion you have.

Don't be afraid. I loved that snake.

You share too much.

Help.

So tell me, what was your snake's name?

Cocteau.

Cocteau?

Like the French playwright?

After my two favorite body parts.

Red light, green light!

Red light, green light!

You're it.

Gustav!

Now we are locked in together, like me and the snake.

Oh, great! Just great.

Look, cute boy.

- You seem like a reasonable type. - Don't flatter me!

You have a big nose, your feet stink and your mother dresses you funny.

There is no scholarship.

You are only here because my fatherwants to huntyou.

My God, you'll say anything, won'tyou?

Now, how doyou sound your fatherwants to hunt me?

Whywould he give me this fancy hunting outfit ifhe wanted to hunt me?

- Explain yourself. - I can protectyou.

Don't go!

Oh, you play!

Listen, I just metyour crazy son.

Listen, I just metyour crazy son.

No offense.

He made up the wackest story aboutyou wanting to hunt me. You believe that?

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Can you imagine the demons that kid's working out? You hunting people?

My God. It would almost be funny ifit wasn't so...

lfit wasn't so...

This is the most disgusting thing...

I have ever seen.

Those heads haven't been dusted in months!

I'm going to get a wet rag and I'll be right back. Bye.

I don't wanna die! I'm tooyoung!

Get offme, you freak!

Want a piece ofme? Get a piece ofme.

My springbok pelt!

I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.

- I bagged this on my ninth birthday. - He was a prodigy.

By the time I was 30, I had hunted nearly every animal there was.

Yeah? You won't be so cocky when I reportyou to the ASPCA!

- I was bored. - Bored, sir?

All right, so I was depressed! I needed a challenge.

Haveyou tried Parcheesi? It's a game ofskill and chance.

Here on this island, I've hunted every ethnicity ofhuman except one.

My God! Haven't theJewish people suffered enough?

You are Puerto Rican?

What, me? Oh, no.

I am French!

Look at me. I'm brooding, yet craving rich sauces.

You are next, Mr. Vargas.

But I break out when I'm shellacked.

What's more embarrassing than a zitty head on the wall?

Besides...

I'll make a nasty face, and I'll destroyyour display.

lfyou survive for 24 hours, you getyour $50,000.

$50,000?

My God! Why didn'tyou say so?

Hunt away, great white hunter!

Hunt...

Hunt away.

And ifyou don't, it's the shelf.

Father, I don't want to participate in this. It's wrong.

You have to learn sometime.

Whywould I ever have to learn how to hunt people?

The hunt isjust a metaphor...

for the glorious cycle ofendless life and rebirth.

And remember, always, always shoot him in the brain.

- I hateyou. - Shut up.

I'm getting more tea.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, but...

Why do I look like I'm from the "Jungle Book"...

and you get the nice Banana Republic stuff?

Does that seem fair toyou?

I thoughtyou'd like it. It's the costume ofyour ancestors.

- Mywhat? - I think it adds a theatrical element.

Stay out ofthis.

I want some boots, some khakis, some turtlenecks and some...

You have guns. That's not fair.

I'm not going to play till I get something. I can't hearyou.

- This is it? - Yeah!

- This is it? - All yours!

Oh, well, well. Why don't wejust get a candlestick and play Clue?

I'll be Colonel Mustard. You be Mrs. Peacock.

First we start with a traditional toast.

Toyou, Mr. Vargas. Good luck.

Good luck toyou, too.

Actually, I take that back. I hopeyou don't do well.

I hopeyou get violated by pig-monkey men in the woods.

All right, I've got the upper hand. What's to keep me from shooting you now?

Other than that.

What areyou doing?

Your 24 hours have begun. Go.

- I have one thing to add. - What?

I lied on the form. I'm not the perfect specimen I appear to be.

I have the public school gypsy curse. Stuttering dyslexia.

I b-bead r-rackwards.

I g-get mords wixed up.

I'm narcoleptic.

And you are? See? See?

I have Tourette's!

Yes, nice German. Freak! Weirdo!

Those things don't grow on trees!

I'm scared ofyou! I'll come back when you're feeling better.

Think, Pest. Think, think, think! Think, old buddy.

Your people came from the rain forest. You must've inherited some skills.

Now I'm nice and limber.

That's more like it.

My animalistical instincts are finally kicking in.

Himmel, when we find him, I wantyou to make the kill.

I don't want to make the kill.

I want to be a hairdresser, write musicals.

- What? - You'd love it ifit were true.

You'd tell your friends aboutyour hairdresser son who listens to Merman.

Will you look at the size ofthat snake?

You and your snake obsession!

lfyou don't like it, maybeyou should not have locked me in with a snake.

Areyou on that again?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to boreyou with my life's defining trauma.

It's not dry enough.

I can never please him.

Something is wrong.

What could be wrong? We're hunting a human being.

Other fathers take their sons to baseball games, but...

Tell it to Ricky Lake.

I can see it now. " Nazi Fathers and Their Snake-Obsessed Sons."

What is this?

Get me down.

This Pest is good.

- Get me down! - Don't be such a sissy!

I don't know ifyou've noticed lately, but I am a sissy!

- Whatyou doin'? - Putting you out ofyour misery.

Come on.

- Doyou hear that moaning? - It's me.

No, the other moaning.

My stomach is funky.

Thank God for some privacy.

- My back hurts where the tree hit me. - Quiet.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...

to suffer the slings and arrows...

ofoutrageous fortune..."

Scat. Shoo.

I can't concentrate when I'm being watched.

I farted. Doyou think I smell like this all the time?

What's that smell?

Look. There.

My horoscope.

" Beware ofstrangers offering...

phony scholarships."

Guess I'll have to use my socks. At least they're soft.

I wantyou to take him out.

Why me?

I wantyou to experience the utter ecstasy that comes...

from feeling the hot, throbbing force ofa man's life...

when it's in your hands.

- Poison darts? - Perfect.

Just a second. Oops.

Himmel!

What a mess!

The explosion blew him right out ofhis sneakers.

Looks likeyour hunt is over.

I'm going back to the house before I miss Hogan's Heroes.

He's alive.

ColonelHogan, wouldyoujoin us fordinnertonight?

ColonelBakerisgoing to tell us the truth...

about the Germanarmy's glorious Campaign on the Russian front.

Whykillallyourappetites?

Pest, you're supposed to be dead!

I can't.

I won't.

I shouldn't.

All right, I will.

- You've got to be quiet. - You! You!

You tried to hunt me.

Get back!

What areyou trying to do, perfume me to death?

These are sex secretion pheromones.

Father uses them to lure horny animals into traps.

Here. Watch the tape.

This is disgusting.

I'm gonna take some ofthese for my girlfriend.

She hates when I go away and don't bring her nothing.

They onlywork on males. Can I fixyou one?

No, you've done enough for one day.

You're mad we tried to cutyour head off?

I'm not mad. Do I look mad toyou?

I knowyou're not into all this Wild Kingdom stuff.

So why don'tyou and I escape back to Miami...

get away from your crazy, ugly, psychotic father, no offense...

and you and I will play snakey-wakey wheneveryou want to.

Really?

C-Certainly.

- We'll takeyour father's speedboat. - I get seasick.

You'll be fine.

I told you, I get seasick.

Well, no duh!

- What are those seagulls doing? - They've come to eatyourvomit.

Will you stop that?

Fine. But I'd watch out for the seagullses ifl was you.

Why?

- I'll be leaving now. - It stings.

I'm blind!

Pest, where'd you go?

My father's gonna kill me!

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

You know the reputation about Latino men, right?

They didn't have any Latino man on the show because everybody knows...

that he would be having his way with Ginger, MaryAnn, Mrs. Howell...

and the Professor.

Then let me askyou a question. Lfyou had to choose, who would you pick?

MaryAnn or Ginger?

Ginger. No contest.

- Is thatyou, man? - Areyou all right?

What happened?

I can't go on.

Must have dry land. Oh, dry land!

- You okay? - What happened?

What happened? Oh, God!

The room is spinning!

What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

Contract. "I want to huntyou."

And his son. " Pet my snake."

" Playmate, come out and play." Seagulls!

He made doody-doody. It was horrible. Don't let them take me back.

What areyou saying?

Listen. Take a swim in the pool. It'll helpyou relax.

- Trust me. - A swim?

- A splash. - Obviously, you haven't been listening!

I've been swimming for five hours! What don'tyou understand?

Maybe one lap?

Then there were 20 ofthem. Did I say 20? I meant an army.

Don't be fakingjacks.

- There's no scammification going on. - You're not being hunted.

- I am too being hunted. - Are not.

- Am too. - Am not.

See? See? I told you. I am being hunted.

Give up, Pest! There's nowhere to hide.

Thank the Lord, he's here to kill me!

Snap. Run!

That guy's psycho. Why is he afteryou?

I don't know. Must be my animal magnetism.

Get in. Let's go! Let's get the hell out ofhere.

I told you I was being hunted. Did you believe me? No.

- Because no one ever believes me. - We believeyou. Who's got the plan?

- Okay, I got the master plan. - Kick it.

- Remember my cousin Roger? - The mad fool?

The mad cool guy. We could go to his place and lay low till morning.

- Perfect. I can't. - What?

We gotta make one, stupid, meaningless stop.

Where, Pest?

No place special. Xantha's.

- What's wrong with you? - I'm in love.

I'm sure her parents will understand...

ifyou explain tonight's not good as you're being hunted.

- They're black. They'll understand. - Yeah?

What's up, freak?

It's me.

You better recognize, baby. You act like...

Yo, Mrs. Kent. I'm not sweating you, butyou're one fine heifer.

What's up, Mack Daddy?

Kill whitey. Free Angela Davis. Say it loud. " Be black and be proud."

- Yes, Lord! - Why don't we go in here?

That boy's on drugs. Who's Angela Davis?

All the cars you could get, why did you pick this one?

I thoughtyou'd like it. It's German.

Did you ever hear of BMW, idiot?

I'm sorry I can never pleaseyou!

Shh. I'm getting something. Here, have a look.

The tracking device I placed in his underwear seems to be working.

Why does Leo get all the goodjobs?

We have a fix on him, sir. Go west!

What's with the African getup?

All this is foryou, Xantha-poo.

I'm trying to impressify your parents.

Does it scareyou that I arouse the passions ofthe Dark Continent?

It scares me that you're wearing a dress to dinner.

This is nothing compared to my morning ensemble.

How about a little kiss? Come on, suck face.

Well, I've prepared an authentic Cuban meal.

Platanos e frijos losnegros.

Why Cuban?

Do I look Cuban toyou? Do these look like Cuban features toyou?

What does a brother have to do to get some respect around here, bitch?

I'm this close to rioting. This close. lfl wasn't so hungry, I'd leave.

Will you pass me the platanos, please?

Something's gone wrong with the location tracker.

It seems to be overheating.

Honey, areyou all right? You're dripping wet.

It's from being next toyou. I'm burning up with passion.

Know what I'm saying?

- Don't act likeyou haven't been there. - Not lately.

I think it's burning out.

That bastard's gonads are sweating.

Boost the power!

I'm burnin' up!

I told the guy at Africans 'R' Us that I wanted summerweight robes.

Drugs.

It burns! Oh, my God, it burns! It's burning!

It burns!

That boy's got syphilis!

Don't be cruel! Get 'em offme!

lfyou was abducted by a space alien chick...

would you orwould you not haveyourwaywith her?

Before it cut off, the signal came from this house.

I'm going in there. You two stay here.

Here, Mr. Shank, I have prepared a dosage...

which will immediately render him unconscious.

Then we can take him with us...

und at our leisure, cut offhis head.

Leo, you're a saint.

Be careful, sir.

These Volkswagens are smaller than they used to be.

Check it out.

She's got the body parts ofa hot Earth woman.

Fear not, the Pest line shall continue.

My childrens have been saved.

Yeah!

That'll teach me not to spring for extra-strength fungus spray. You know?

Look, man. Look over there.

That's Colonel Klink!

He's climbing through Xantha's window, man!

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Karate time.

Mrs. Kent, my sister.

Let me explain the origins ofmy blackness one more time.

My Spanish ancestors came and had sex with my Indian ancestors.

And then they had sex with my black ancestors.

Who then had more sex with the Indians.

And there's rumor that somebody slept with aJew. Fancy that!

Mrs. Kent, it's kosher. It's all right. He was an EthiopianJew.

I can't find my pills anywhere!

You know how white people's food gives me gas!

What happened?

What did you do to my family?

I don't know. I mentioned I might be prone to celebrate Rosh Hashanah...

and, bam, prejudice rears his ugly head again!

Oh, I see, you're gonna try and kill me. Try it, because...

Could I do that again? I was looking through the wrong thingy.

You're a pretty lousy shot for a criminal.

Hello.

Any more surprises?

Don't!

I really hateyou.

Let'sjust get this little game over, shall we?

You missed me!

YouCan'thitme You'reabigsuCker-butt

ICan'tbelieveyou're German

Where wereyou? Where the hell wereyou when I needed you?

I am so glad you're here. Check it.

Would you orwould you not have sex with a space alien chick?

What?

We have no way oftracking him anymore.

Just shut up! Give me the phone.

Hello?

Oh, yo! What's up, yo? Listen up.

I got the 4-1-1 on Pest Vargas, mamasita.

- Who is this? - This is the bum and all that.

Listen.

The word up is that Pest Vargas has goosed your nugget...

andisgonnaskip the foot in themorning, homey.

Why areyou telling me this? What's he done toyou?

Well, he called my mother a big, fat Scottish slut.

We'll take care ofit.

Fellas, put all the men out on the street looking for the Pest.

He's out there somewhere and I wanna find him.

They're putting the word out.

I'll be able to monitor all their incoming calls.

So, we'll know where he is as soon as they do.

We gotta find a place to hide. I'm serious!

Where's the last place Gustav would think oflooking?

- Think! Useyour head! - All right! Calm down!

Yo, Pest. Check it out.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Hello, Jews!

Nobody's gonna see us here. What areyou...

Shalom! And mazol tov, my little gefiltes and yentas.

And you are?

I am a meshuggener, but ofcourse.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Rabbi Vargassteenstine.

And this is my farChadat associate...

Rabbi Chubby Bergbaumsteenstein.

Yes, I know! He's an EthiopianJew from Ethiopia, ofcourse.

Really? Where in Ethiopia?

Yo, man, I'm from South Bay, bro...

Unfortunately, the Lord saw fit to take away his voice box.

But he has a canasta game to die for.

We'd like to stay, but I got a pain in my tchotchke. I gotta go.

Angus, I think I've found our man.

Sir, look. It seems our Latino has found religion.

He appears to be leaving a synagogue.

So, funny looking, got any more genius ideas?

Yo, man. I'll pick another place.

No, thanks. I'm pickin' the place.

Right here at the Paris Club. There's a private party going on.

I'll pull into the parking lot.

Hey, yo! It's all lovely.

I hear there's a mad-sick party going on.

Can you hook up a brother and his brother?

Mad? Dude, parties are never mad.

They're angry! Duh!

The thing is...

this is a private party, Cheech!

I can't believe this.

Seriously, I betyou could get in the servants' entrance.

- You guys are harsh! - Yeah, you guys are harsh!

Actually, you guys suck.

- Yo, chumps, get stupid. - I can get stupid.

You know what to do. Spank 'em, brother!

Let's party!

Go, white boy! Go, white boy!

Crank it, dude!

Wannamakeitsway, Makeitsay Howdoyoulike that, baby

Spankandnappin'till thishappened Spankitallaround

Howdoyoulike that, baby

Howdoyoulike that, baby

Spankit

Oh, snap. This one fainted.

I'm not gonna letyou have anywhite people unless you take care ofthem.

Shall we go clubbing, or shall we go clubbing?

Yeah, let's go clubbing.

There's a party over here!

Pest and Chub in the house!

So good, baby. You know how it is.

- Oh, snap. Is that one ofAngus's men? - What's he doing here?

Let's not wait to find out. Let's Houdini outta here.

Plaid everywhere! Plaid here, plaid there.

- I need reinforcements. Call Ninja. - Ninga, for reinforcements?

Hello?

Wakey, wakey.

Doyourealize that whileyou'renapping...

yourbestestoffriends arebeingstalked?

That's nice.

How's myXantha-poo?

A tranquilizer dart is in her butt.

Thank God! That'll suck up all the poison.

Weneedyou to Come to the Paris Club likerightnow.

Meet us in the Karaoke Room. Later, masturbator.

Hi, there!

- Hey, big guy. - Excuse me.

We gotta split up and find Vargas before the Scottish gentlemen do.

Split up.

Seeya.

- Haveyou seen a little Latin boy? - This is the models' changing room!

- Get out ofmy face! - What doyou thinkyou're doing?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Good day.

I'm gonna get Ninja in the Karaoke Room and meetyou in theJeep.

Go for it.

Sorry, sorry.

Gotalifetime toshare

SomuCh tosay

Foronly time

My God, you suck!

I'm notjust saying it lightly. You really suck!

I wanna put a hot poker through my ears!

What'd you do with your singing les... Get offme. You don't know me.

- Let me showyou to a chair. - Don't show me nothing.

Show me the way outta here.

- Goodness gracious! - Good show, ja?

Ja, is a good show.

Could you go away, little man? You bother me.

- He wants a tip. - A tip? Why didn'tyou say so?

You buy Honda stock. Okay, get away. Your breath smells.

He's so too sucky. I can't...

Ninja! Ninja!

- Ninja. I am a Ninja warrior. - Really!

Who would like to be next?

Don't be shy.

All right, sir.

- Come on up. - You go.

Don't be bashful. Come up.

You make mistake. I go. No, I can't.

- Come on up. - I can, I can.

All right!

I was hoping to see my family. Shoguns and all that.

It's a dangerous crowd out there.

Which Karaoke selection areyou going to do?

- What selections do we have today? - They're on the monitor.

"TV Favorites." Why not? Okay.

All right, TV Favorites. Take it away.

I didn't know they had words to this!

Wegotaright topiCk alittle fight, Bonanza

lfanyone fightsanyone He'sgot to fight withme

Imight want tosaddle up in one Bonanza

What areyou doing?

I'm taking a break.

- One forfour, Four forone - You suck!

No, you suck! I kickyour... PiCkalittle fightBonanza

Doyou recognize the littleJapanese guy?

- No. - You sure?

Thankyou very much.

That is Pest Vargas, you idiot!

I'm going to sing another song, something from my childhood.

You annoying little weasel, Pest Vargas!

You a big irritate, round eye. I am not Pest.

I am Uni Wasabi.

I had the pleasure ofhunting Uni Wasabi, and you are no Uni Wasabi.

I am too!

Perhaps this will helpyou decide.

Perhaps this...

will helpyou decide.

You defend yourself with a punyvile ofcat piss?

- Leo, go get him. - It's the sex pheromones.

Gustav...

I find myself strangely drawn toyou.

- Father, I feel funny. - What?

Let me at him.

You horny dog. I should've had you fixed.

Let me go.

I didn't knowyou could sing.

Stickwith me, son, and I'll learn ya.

- Where's Gustav? - He's meeting some new people.

- Let's go. - I thinkyou should come with us.

No, thanks. My mother said never to go with strangers.

Butyou seem nice.

Pest, Pest, Pest, you're a great disappointment.

You thought I was gonna be taller? I get that a lot, don't I?

Why don'tyou do that impression I like so much?

I don't want to. The Italians never make me do impressions.

- Do it. - Captain, I cannot do it.

The dilithium crystals are breaking up. She's gonna blow.

Not so fast.

Where's my money?

Look, I'll have the money... What's the day after today?

- Tomorrow. - Myword is my bond.

I don't trustyourword.

Okay. Then...

take as collateral that which is the most precious to me in the world.

And what would that be, Mr. Vargas?

It's my best friend...

Ninja.

Pest, don't leave me! They've got skirts!

Don't worry, little friend.

I can't believe youjust did that.

Don't worry. I got it all covered. The 24 hours is almost up.

Then we'll get Gustav's money, then we'll pick him up like that.

- I'm not talking about that! - What areyou talking about?

You said he was your best friend. I thought I was your best friend.

Chubby-woomsy.

You are my best friend. That's why I picked Ninja.

Hello.

- Hello, Pest. - The oneandonly.

And you are? Wait, don't tell me. You'll spoil the moment.

Gustav.

Pest, you have a marvelous family.

My familywas never part ofthe contract.

Neitherwas your girlfriend's family or her best friend.

But I don't care. I'm gonna kill 'em all!

He's gonna kill my family. You do that and you're gonna be in big trouble.

Jail even. Can you say "prison bitch"?

Tomorrow I return to my homeland...

where Iregain mystatus asa Citizen ofGermany.

But first I have to settle up with you.

No, Gustav. You're always thinking of others. We're even. Go back to Germany.

Don't even worry about saying good-bye. Send me a postcard. Fax ifyou can.

You better get to the freighter at pier 16 in 20 minutes...

oryou're gonna be one lonely little Latino.

I'll be there. But for any reason I'm late, could you start with Malaria?

Head to LibertyShip on pier 16. Step on it, double it, man!

Don't be sojumpy.

- He's got a gun! - Leave me alone!

Why areyou doing this? Why areyou hunting my Pest?

The man you know as Pest is actually an operative in your secret service.

The underworld has placed a high price on his head. I intend to collect.

See, Felix? I told you that my Pest wasn'tjust a bum!

Actually, I lied. I'm just hunting him...

because no one will miss an inconsequential flotsam like him.

- That makes more sense. - How could you agree with this monster?

- Be quiet. - Sit down. He gets angry.

You stay here and guard them.

I'm going to go look around.

Oh, Jack! Oh, SlapJones, we finally got the good stuff, kid.

- Be all you can be! - Don't ask, don't tell, right?

What's that mean?

- Nothing. - Just checking.

You have to believe me.

None ofthis was my idea.

I feel you understand. I get seasick!

Whywould I want to be on a boat?

Snake boy's got everybody I care about down there.

We gotta think ofsomething fast.

I'm gonna give Gustav a little attitude adjustment, soyou're gonna have...

I'm not a bad person.

To tell you the truth, I don't think he's my father.

Gustav, where areyou?

I have arrived!

Welcome to the Love Boat. I'm yourwaiter Isaac.

Gustav, where areyou?

Don't be shy.

Goosey, I can seeyour bald spot.

You're getting warmer. Oh, you're getting hot.

You're getting really hot. You're boiling! You're on fire!

Goosey, look, I'm over here.

I'm ashadowofmy formerself.

SuCker!

I'm thebig Cornholio. Ineed T.D. formybungholio.

Oh, woeisme. Someone's turnedmeintoa walkie-talkie.

Helpme! Helpme!

Why don'tyou come out, Pest?

What haveyou got left after smoking a huge cigar? A big butt!

Where areyou, Pest?

Yougotme, Gustav! Yougotmelaughin'atyou.

My father is insane.

Doyou know what he did to me as a child?

All right, funny boy.

lfyou don't come out, your girlfriend gets it.

All right, saggy cheeks. But ifl come out, you gotta let her go.

Deal!

Let her go.

- You're all right! - Everything's okay.

Now come closer.

Any closer and I'd be intimate with you.

- Only one pest can't be exterminated. - But I thought...

Now dropyourweapons.

I don't know how long I can keep this thing from firing.

I loved it.

I guess wejust sit here and wait till I become a rich man.

I meant to do that.

Let me askyou a question.

How doyou feel?

Fine. Why, do I look bloated? Am I bloated?

Doyou remember our little toast on the island, Pest?

How could I forget? It gave me indigestion.

I poisoned your drink.

What?

And the poison kills in exactly 18 hours.

You are so diabolical.

Ja. You've got 15 seconds.

Enjoy it.

And by the way, the safe deposit box is in the Miami Central Bank.

Your $50,000 is in there.

Not that it would doyou any good.

What areyou talking about? Hold this.

I never felt better in my life!

lfl was poisoned, could I do this?

Or this? Or this?

I got the head bag.

Forget it. That face wouldjust annoy me.

You cheated!

- Not now. We'll discuss this at home. - You'd have to shoot me first.

- Can't believeyou shot him! - He's wearing a bulletproofvest.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

All right, fine! Himmel, you stay here amongst the losers.

Come on, Leo.

Where to?

We have much to do. We're on ourway to the homeland.

Good morning. I need to get into my safe deposit box.

Ofcourse, Mr. Shank. The guard will letyou in.

Ja. Splendid.

I'll just be a minute, Andy.

Hello?

Surprise!

- Pest! - Yup.

- But, the poison should've... - Killedme?

Notlikely, sinCe Ipukedupall thepoison on that thrillingboatride.

With thehelp ofmy friend, the German Ambassador, Iliberatedyourmoney.

- My money? - Right. Andthere wasmore than $50,000.

AndCheCk this. TheAmbassadoralso spoke with theauthoritiesaboutyour...

Howshouldlputit? ECCentriChuntingaCtivities.

Hello, fellas. Good-bye. Don'tforget to write.

I'll getyou!

No! No! I do not recognizeyour authority.

Go, Pest Freak to the east

Yes!

There he is! I'm gonna kill you!

- How dareyou! - I'm sorry, Mr. Ambassador.

He's not the Ambassador. He's an impostor!

How dareyou question my authority!

lfl wasn't the Ambassador...

would I have the confidence to do this?

Und this?

Would I have the downright perverse impudence...

and lack oflove for my fellow man to do this?

- Wedgie! - God!

Therefore I must be the Ambassador.

He is not even German.

Our feet are the same.

Good-bye toyou and you and you!

Let's take him away!

Vargas, here's your garbage back!

Ninja, you all right? What's up, man?

I knewyou were my best friend, right?

- I know. - He stole my clothes.

Getyourwhite behind in thisjeep.

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm halfblack.

Honey, get overyourself.

Ilike toboogie with my Creeps CruiseandCreep

Playin'three-Cardmonty on these Crazystreets

Greathustler I'mgonnasCam inaminute

Solowto the floor PiCk thepoCketonamidget

SliCkshyster The PestMeister

Living life in Miami's viCe Ma, see

Nobodymessin' with the frog, see Where'syour Messiahnow

Voodoomambo Chili Congo

OldsChoolbeatmeets Latin freak Youdon'tstop

Sweetmambo, do themambo, yeah Chili Congo

WhenyoursChoolbeatmeets Latin freak Youdon'tquitandyoudon'tstop

I'm hurting, allright, already I'm "ridiCuliCulous"

Likeabooger IstiCk to this

Takea whiffofthis I'mstinky dinky

Twostinky dinky

Threestinky dinky

Mirror, mirroron the wall whois thesliCkestofthem all

It's thesChemingestkeenestsCam artist God, it's so hard to be modest!

Putup the fistiCuffsandthen

Put 'em up Put 'em up even

Voodoomambo Chili Congo

OldsChoolbeatmeets Latinstreet andyoudon'tstop

JaCkmaybenimble butl'm asexsymbol

SosliCk Istole the wiCk from his CandlestiCk

I'm in themoodtosCam simplybeCause ICan

I'm the Latin Houdini

Disappearina flash withyour Cash andl'm baCk likeagenie

Lucy, I'm home! Don't do that to me, Lucy!

Freak to the east Freak to the west

Freakbigbootiesandbig Chest

Yes, y'all, and it's like that! Why certainly!

Getstupid, getretarded 'Cause Pest'llget thepartystarted

Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?

FunkadoCious, grooviloCious atroCious

I'm aman ofamillion disguises

I'm as Crazyas theymake 'em Ishake 'em, Ibreak 'em

SosCientific, hate tobespeCific E=mC2

Multiply, divideit, slide up insideit blendit, mixit

Damn, I'm terrific

Hippity, hoppity FeeCropoly, sufferingsuCCotash

I'msmarterthan theaverageman, Booboo

Wait!

- All like this and like that, right? - Like this and like that!

You know what they say? Never trust a big butt and a smile.

That's whatyou trust.

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