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1
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,320
KNOCK ON DOOR
2
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,840
HE GIGGLES
3
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,720
It's open. Clockwork.
4
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,080
VICTOR WHISTLES
5
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,960
Top of the morning, Jack boy.
Aye, morning, Victor.
6
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,360
A wee bit nippy out there.
Is it? Aye.
7
00:00:57,680 --> 00:00:59,760
What's happening?
"What's happening?"
8
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,080
Oh, give us a chance, Jack,
I've no' looked at the paper yet.
9
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,520
No, the other paper.
My paper to read.
10
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:05,840
Oh, I just got the one.
11
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,800
That's no' how it works.
12
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,160
One of us does the rolls, the
Penguins and the teas, and the
13
00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:12,880
other one jumps down to the shop,
gets two different newspapers,
14
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,120
we read them, then we swap them.
Aye, but the two papers
15
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,040
had the same headline, they put the
cost of the papers up...
16
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:19,720
One will do us, eh?
17
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:22,000
I'll read this,
then I'll give it to you.
18
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,520
Jeezo, didn't see that coming.
19
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,440
Ooft.
20
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,080
That's a surprise.
21
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,240
HE GASPS
He's no' dead, is he?
22
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,560
Let me get this straight.
23
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,040
You get to sit there and
get the news first-hand,
24
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,760
while I've to sit here
with no news, like a daftie?
25
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,200
Completely oot of the loop.
26
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,720
A caveman, a Cro-Magnon.
27
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,400
Put the telly on or something.
28
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,680
Of course, they didn't have telly
back in Cro-Magnon times, did they?
29
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,080
Make a fire or whatever
it is you people dae.
30
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,280
Do you want the paper?
31
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,920
No. Just give me that wee magazine
they always stick in the middle.
32
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:00,960
I like that.
33
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,080
HE IMITATES A CAVEMAN:
Magazine, gift.
34
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,560
Good pictures.
35
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:10,200
I will fashion a spear
and stick it up your arse.
36
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,960
HE IMITATES A CAVEMAN:
Make eyes water.
37
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,280
Ah, the Futuroo magazine,
I love this.
38
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,600
Full of clever stuff
that you can only buy in the shops.
39
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:21,960
Oh, a thermal cup.
40
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,600
"Keep your cuppa piping hot."
41
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,480
I don't see the
benefit of that, Jack.
42
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,720
Oh, well, make a cup of tea,
you go to get a biscuit,
43
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,680
you fall, you snap your leg.
44
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,240
You're up the hospital,
lying on a gurney.
45
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,920
Four hours - ignored.
46
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,920
So then you're back doon the road
again, gasping for a cup of tea,
47
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,160
greetin' with the pain.
Tea, tea, tea!
48
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,960
And then you're like that,
"Oh, hello!"
49
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,080
Roasting hot cup of tea on the
sideboard, just where I left it.
50
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,040
Oh, that is a handy thing, aye.
51
00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:48,880
Bad fracture, nice hot cup of tea.
52
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,120
Oh, it's the shite you get as well.
53
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,000
Oh, dear. The Eggmaster 3000.
54
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,800
This is aimed at the wankers, aye.
55
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,240
You put eggs in it at night
before you go to bed.
56
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,520
Uh-huh? And when you wake up
in the morning,
57
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,840
they're boiled, ready for you.
58
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,240
If you order it before the end
of the month,
59
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,960
you qualify for a
toasty soldier companion.
60
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,880
Gee us a look at that, Jack.
61
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,640
No. I'll read it first and
then I'll gee it to you.
62
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,320
Eggmaster 3000.
63
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,600
What sort of windae licker would
stump up the cash for that, eh?
64
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,200
Yes, the Eggmaster 3000, please.
65
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:31,520
Am I still eligible for
the toasty soldier companion?
66
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,280
You dancing bear!
67
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,360
No, that's great.
Thanking you.
68
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,480
Would I like expedited delivery?
69
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:45,560
Um, what does expedited mean?
70
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,680
Quicker?
71
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,960
Oh, aye, hen.
72
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,800
Aye, gee us that. Cheerio now.
73
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,040
DOORBELL RINGS
74
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,280
Good service.
75
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:57,200
Registered letter.
76
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,240
Is that your signature, aye?
77
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,200
Yes. Same as it's always been.
78
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,800
Yingamee-yingam-yingam!
79
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:19,960
Oh, dear.
80
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,480
Better get the hoover out.
81
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:32,600
# You and me are
always meant to be. #
82
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:38,200
Isa. You know, I never
give you anything.
83
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,600
How do you mean, Navid?
84
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:44,040
Eh?
85
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,320
Eh? A mop?!
86
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,960
Not just any mop.
87
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,520
I've got you something from
the Futuroo catalogue.
88
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:52,560
This is the Floor Hero.
89
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,760
I'm no' needing that, Navid.
90
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:56,560
I like my string mop.
91
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,840
Oh, come on, Isa.
92
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,120
This looks like it's had chemo.
93
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:08,080
And anyway, the Floor Hero
gives you Bluetooth.
94
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:09,720
Bluetooth?
95
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,000
It's normally just Dettol I use.
96
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,160
Dear, oh, dear, Isa.
97
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,320
Bluetooth gives you wireless music.
98
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:21,600
Wireless? And it makes your
mopping a whole lot easier,
99
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,680
because music makes a
chore pass much quicker.
100
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:27,640
SHE SIGHS
101
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:31,920
BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS
102
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,280
Oh!
103
00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,920
It's got a lovely
fast action!
104
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,480
Ooh-hoo!
DOORBELL RINGS
105
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:47,440
SHE SHOUTS: Hello, Winston. Navid
bought me these as a present!
106
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,000
It's actually a present
for all of us.
107
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,200
Eh?
108
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,720
Ah!
109
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,920
Earmuffs for a nosy cow.
110
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,440
Jack and Victor have went
aff their nut
111
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,160
and jumped aff the high flats!
112
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,160
THEY LAUGH
113
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:08,320
SHE SHOUTS: When's your
house guest visiting? Oh!
114
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:10,920
What?
115
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:11,960
MUSIC STOPS
116
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,440
Well...
117
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,400
..big tin of soup,
instead of a small tin...
118
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,280
full loaf, when you
normally get a wee one.
119
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,080
Oh, a dozen eggs, no' six,
120
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:28,080
and quilted toilet roll.
121
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:32,920
You usually buy the cheap stuff that
you put your fingers through.
122
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,000
You've got a house guest visiting.
123
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:36,400
I'm asking when.
124
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,240
Scary. See you, Isa...
125
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,000
..you should grow a moustache.
126
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,680
Well, a thicker one.
127
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,160
And get it all waxed up
at the ends, eh?
128
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,200
Get yourself a job mopping up on
the Orient Express,
129
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,440
you nosy bastard, you!
130
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,800
Spider catcher.
131
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:56,440
19.99.
132
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:57,880
Not a chance.
133
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,720
Boom! Batter it with a slipper.
134
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:00,840
20 quid saved.
135
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,200
This is aimed at pensioners.
136
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:08,520
"That'll make my meaningless
life easier!"
137
00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,160
"Oh, this'll keep me out the
grave for another 15 minutes."
138
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:14,880
Look at this.
139
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,720
An electric bonnet.
140
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,440
"Outsmart Jack Frost this
winter with a hot cap."
141
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,080
Shite.
142
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,760
No' shite, Bobby. Toasty.
143
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,600
And it came the day.
144
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,040
In there, there's a new PP3 battery
145
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,920
and the liner is like
a mini electric blanket.
146
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:33,280
Wait, wait.
147
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,320
There you go.
148
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:39,840
It's kicking in noo.
149
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,800
Do you want a drink or no?
I'll take a pint of cider.
150
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,960
A pint of ice, Bobby.
151
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,720
I'm sweating like
Pavarotti's pallbearer.
152
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,720
Oh, look who it is!
153
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,280
Chas and Dave.
154
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,640
That's right, you put
the cock in Cockney.
155
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,920
Two pints, prick.
156
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,960
VICTOR LAUGHS
157
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:59,920
And a pint for Winston, Bobby,
please.
158
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,080
That's no' Winston.
159
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,320
Walter! Walter.
160
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:05,560
Hey.
161
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,200
Long time no see.
162
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,080
It must've been how long?
163
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,720
Oh, let me think now.
15 year?
164
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:12,840
Have you seen Winston yet?
165
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,120
No. No, I thought I'd jump in
for a quick pint
166
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,680
before I go over to see him.
167
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,120
Winston!
168
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:19,400
What you like, eh?
169
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,480
In here entertaining
the troops before you come
170
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,120
and visit your brother.
A drink for my brother!
171
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,080
In fact, get one for everybody.
172
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,440
Nice. Good, aye.
173
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,400
Here, what happened to your leg?
174
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,400
Eh? Oh, I lost it.
175
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,360
Fags. Oh, dear.
176
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,080
Anyway, how you been?
177
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,120
Aye.
178
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,640
What happened to your arm?
179
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,800
Oh, I lost it. Rigs.
180
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,840
Well, where have you been?
Where have I no' been?!
181
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,800
I was over in that
Heimdal gas field there.
182
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,760
Aye. Got transferred over to...
183
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,080
SNORING
184
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,400
Oh, here! Stop me if I'm boring you!
185
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,080
No, no, you're no' boring him.
186
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,720
It's the battery bonnets,
puts him to sleep.
187
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,640
Eric! Wake up, you old tit!
188
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,840
Oh!
189
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,800
Argh! It's absolutely roasting!
190
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,200
Whoa!
191
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,280
My good bonnet!
192
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,040
That cost me an arm and a leg!
193
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,640
BOTH: Oh!
194
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,600
Morning, Jack.
195
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,840
Isa.
196
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,760
Jack.
197
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,600
Isa.
198
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,000
Victor.
199
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,120
Victor.
200
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:36,560
Morning.
201
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,560
Morning to you, too.
202
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,320
LIFT DINGS
203
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,760
What's this? Have I got aff
the lift at a zombie movie?
204
00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,600
Dawn Of The Decrepit!
205
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,040
That's very funny, Chris.
206
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,600
Have you got anything for us?
207
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,600
I have, as it happens.
208
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,400
I've got one for each of you.
209
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,320
Ooh, here! Hee-hee!
210
00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,520
Nice one, Chris.
211
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,000
Oh, all different sizes!
212
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,000
A wee gadget for each of us, eh?
213
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:08,480
Something to make life that
bit easier.
214
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,800
Who's going to kick things off?
215
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,120
Allow me.
216
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,440
Oh!
217
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,800
A stone?
218
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,160
At first glance.
219
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,200
Observe.
220
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,440
What's the good of that?
221
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,480
Well, let's say
I come home one night
222
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,560
after a convivial evening in the
Clansman and I can't find my keys
223
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,920
because I'm, you know, pished
and what have you.
224
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,840
Boom! I've got a set right here.
225
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:44,320
Disguised as a common garden pebble.
226
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,640
Which would not look out of place in
a garden, but this is a landing.
227
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,400
Oh, aye. Aye, I mean, see a
robber would see that
228
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,080
and say, "Oh, that's one of
they wee Futuroo hide your keys
229
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,720
"in a pebble things. That'll save me
from kicking the
230
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,800
"old guy's door in."
231
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,840
Shut up! Looks good there.
232
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,280
Like a rockery. Nah, it's only a
start on a rockery.
233
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,560
It's like a one rock rockery.
234
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,280
It's like a shitey rockery.
235
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,240
Aye, you should get
doon the garden centre,
236
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:13,680
get more rocks to put
round aboot it.
237
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:16,040
Wait till you see.
238
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,520
Hold that.
239
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,360
Hey-hey!
240
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,480
Watch.
241
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:23,520
Put it there.
242
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,560
Chap my door!
243
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,920
Who is it, please?
244
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,560
Victor McDade and Jack Jarvis.
245
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:44,800
Er, Esquire. I'm sorry, I cannot
come to the door the noo
246
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:49,200
for I'm making cock-a-leekie soup,
so bugger off!
247
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,880
It's a good wee thing that.
I like it.
248
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:53,360
It's a nice wee thing, that. I'd
like to get one of them, yeah.
249
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,640
Right, come in and show me what
you've got, Jack.
250
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,040
DOOR SHUTS
251
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,440
Jack?
252
00:11:58,440 --> 00:11:59,640
Jack?
253
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:00,680
Jack! Victor!
254
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:06,040
That is the bollocks. Mm-hm.
255
00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:07,920
The business. The daddy of them all.
256
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,800
What the hell is it?
What's your bath time routine?
257
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,920
I don't take a bath routinely.
258
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,040
Too much hassle. I do my ablutions
with my shower head.
259
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,960
Ablutions? Aye, roond the hooses.
260
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,800
Oxsters, arsehole, clackerbag.
261
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,800
Thanks for that, Victor. I've now
got that in Panavision.
262
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,560
I know what you mean though,
I'm the same.
263
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,120
Normally a bath at our age is a pain
in the arse,
264
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,800
but with the techno tub, no siree.
265
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:32,960
Soap dispenser.
266
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,600
Beer holder.
267
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,040
Thermometer.
268
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,080
Light.
269
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,080
Book stand.
And the piece de resistance...
270
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,000
MUSIC PLAYS
271
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,440
Mm-hm.
272
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,840
And with that,
bath time is a pleasure
273
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,880
and I will be having one tonight.
274
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,280
Nice. How much was that?
275
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,280
34.99. That's better than
a dummy stone, right enough.
276
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,560
OK, once you've used that tonight,
277
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:01,120
I'll get a shot of it and have a
good steep myself.
278
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,520
No, no, no, no, no.
279
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,000
The techno tub's a personal thing.
280
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,200
That would be like borrowing
another man's sponge.
281
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,320
No, no, away you go
and fondle your stone.
282
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,680
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER
283
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,440
He turns round and goes,
"No, you hold its heed,
284
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,360
"I'll put the wellies on it!"
285
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,080
What am I missing here? What's all
the laughing about?
286
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,720
My ribs are sore!
287
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,880
It's Walter here. He should be
a bloody stand-up comedian.
288
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,600
Hey, you can be a double act.
289
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,920
Winston, you'd need to be the
straight man.
290
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,680
Or the clown that comes oot
before the main event!
291
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,280
Cos he's it and you're shit.
292
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,080
That could be the name of
your double act.
293
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:43,640
Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand -
294
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,920
oh, no offence, Walter -
for It and Shit!
295
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,200
Thanks for that, Jack.
296
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,520
Right, where are we going?
297
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,840
The bookies? Let's flash some cash.
298
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,640
No, no.
Stevie the bookie's a wrong 'un.
299
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:57,960
How?
300
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,560
It's a long story.
301
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:00,960
What about the greyhounds?
302
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,120
Where's Victor?
Oh, he's up the garden centre.
303
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,480
He's buying bloody pebbles.
304
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,760
What for? He's a crackpot.
305
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:10,200
Are you coming with us? No,
I'm going up the road for a bath.
306
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,440
I've not had a bath for two years.
307
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,840
No, no, no, I've had showers
and that. No,
308
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:18,000
away yous go and enjoy yourself.
Have a nice one.
309
00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,520
Oh, you're filling up lovely.
310
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,800
Oh, temperature.
311
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,640
Tickety-boo.
312
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,480
Oh, book stand.
313
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,240
CLASSICAL MUSIC
Lovely.
314
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,760
Oh! Ho-ho!
315
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,280
Well, I'll be getting
in to you shortly
316
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,400
and I don't know
when I'm getting out.
317
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,440
16 quid for this pile of shit.
318
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,640
KNOCKING
Victor.
319
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,440
Victor.
320
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,360
Jack. Help.
321
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,560
Have you fell?
No, I'm stuck in the bath.
322
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,480
I've been in here all night. What?
323
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:23,520
'What's all the commotion?'
324
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,760
KNOCKING
Isa, Jack's stuck in the bath.
325
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,760
'Who's calling?' It's Victor.
Open the door.
326
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:33,920
'I'm sorry, I cannot
receive guests at the moment,
327
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:38,560
'for I'm in my dressing gown, eating
my toast, reading Bella magazine.'
328
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:43,000
Listen to me, you halfwit!
Open the bloody door.
329
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,880
Jack is stuck in the bath.
330
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,200
If you don't open
this bloody door now,
331
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,520
I'm going to rip this dog's
legs off.
332
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:58,040
It's locked. Well, put your shoulder
to it.
333
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,080
Ooh!
334
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,720
Move!
335
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,880
Hiya-huh!
336
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,880
Are you all right, Jack?
What happened here? What happened?
337
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,680
Well, I thought this bath is so
good, I'll live in it.
338
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,640
I'm stuck. I can't get out.
339
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,720
Jack, your willy!
340
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,440
Oh, I'll cover that up, Jack.
Bigger towel!
341
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,040
Who the bloody hell takes a bath
first thing in the morning?
342
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,920
I took it last night. And you took
another one this morning?
343
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,800
I've been in here since last night.
Last night? Oh, my!
344
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,440
Oh, it's a carry on, isn't it?
Look at my skin.
345
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,840
I'm turning into
Judy Finnigan.
346
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,880
You canny just lift yourself out?
No, I'm stuck to the sides.
347
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,200
It's like... I don't know, suction.
348
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,160
Well, just pull the plug out.
Do you no' think I've tried that?
349
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,960
It doesnae work. The plug's located
directly below my ringer.
350
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:02,360
Don't panic. Panic?
Oh, I'm way beyond panicking.
351
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,640
I was panicking for about ten hours,
but that's passed now.
352
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,640
Call 911.
What for? The American cops?
353
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:11,440
Away you go, you dunderhead.
354
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,640
"Hello, is that CSI Miami?
My pal's stuck in the bath."
355
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,280
"Where?" "Glesga."
It's 999 you call.
356
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,400
I'm no' dying, I just want to get
out the bath.
357
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,040
There's a number you call when
you've got trouble with a bath.
358
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,560
B&Q. Shut up!
I know what it is, it's 101.
359
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,720
No, that's crime.
I'm no' being robbed.
360
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,440
No, the only thing I'm being robbed
of is my dignity.
361
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,560
I know what it is. This happened
to big Janice McCafferty,
362
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,240
her with the eating disorder.
363
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,280
Oh, you know who I'm talking about.
364
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,120
She got banned from Greggs
for grazing.
365
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,360
She got stuck in the bath and her
man called...
366
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,200
Her man called? Her man called?
367
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,000
Kenny. No, the number he called,
you dozy cow.
368
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:54,960
NHS Ambulance Services.
369
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,000
That's who you call.
370
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,080
Navid.
Meet my brother, Walter.
371
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,120
Nice to see you.
What can I do you for?
372
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,160
Cigars. What have you got?
373
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,120
Well, we have classy ones for the
men about town
374
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,560
and the not-so-classy
ones for the man about scheme.
375
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,880
Classy, always classy.
376
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,200
I used to be a half Corona man
myself,
377
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,920
back when we were in Gujarat.
I know Gujarat. You know Gujarat?
378
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,800
Oh, aye. I worked in Lahore
for long enough.
379
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,160
The boy I worked with was from
Gujarat.
380
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,440
Aftab Jarwar.
381
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,720
He was a good laugh.
Tiny wee fella.
382
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,320
Must have only been
about four foot six.
383
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,400
THEY LAUGH
384
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,600
That's a cracker. Take that.
385
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,520
That's a better laugh
than he's ever gave me.
386
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,160
Very kind, thanking you.
387
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:06,280
So, have you ever been anywhere
good, Winston? Aye, Rawalpindi.
388
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,240
Oh, in the Punjab region? No, in the
Sauchiehall Street region.
389
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,360
Right next to the dry cleaners.
Good pakora.
390
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,480
GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
391
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,480
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry, Jack.
392
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,480
I've been putting it off for ages.
393
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:30,200
I've had to park a loaf in your
lavvy. You animal.
394
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,360
Who does that? You only live
next door.
395
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,760
Ah, I couldn't leave you by yourself
in the bath.
396
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,520
You've been asleep. You could have
done a Whitney Houston.
397
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,920
When are these people coming
to get me out of here?
398
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,520
It's been nearly two hours
since we found you.
399
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:44,495
They must be due here now.
400
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:47,120
Well, if they show up now they're
going to be confused, aren't they?
401
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,600
"Oh, dearie me, what a dilemma.
Who do we save first?
402
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,920
"The old fella in the bath or the daft
old duffer superglued to the shiter?"
403
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,560
Finish your manky business
and get off my pan.
404
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,920
Look away.
405
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,520
Oh, you must be from the services.
406
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,320
No, no, that's John
from down the stair.
407
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:13,560
Hi, John. What's going on here?
Well, he's stuck in the bath, son.
408
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,680
Oh, are you? Well, I have water
coming down into my bathroom,
409
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,280
which I've been doing up for the
past three months
410
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:23,760
and I've just finished only to look
up and see drip, drip, drip, drip.
411
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,800
Let me take a look at it.
412
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:31,120
Oh, look at that.
That's soaking, rotten.
413
00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,560
I told you about that two years ago.
414
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,640
Keep the heid, son,
there's an ambulance coming.
415
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,920
If I get any more water
coming down on me,
416
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,960
it'll be a hearse you're needing.
417
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:44,520
Charming. Where are these toe rags?
Are they no' here yet?
418
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,960
Typical, isn't it?
Leaving an old man stuck in a bath.
419
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,720
It's disgusting. It's because the
pensioner isn't a priority.
420
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,400
Aye, that's it, dirty, lazy pigs.
421
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,840
We're the bottom of the pile,
make no mistake.
422
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,840
How long did they say they'd be?
Who? The services.
423
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,880
What did they say?
424
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,840
What did they say to me?
Aye, when you phoned them.
425
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,120
I never phoned them, it was Victor
that phoned them.
426
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:12,000
I was in there getting ready.
You daft couple of arseholes!
427
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,280
Victor. Yes, Jack.
428
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,280
Flush.
429
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:26,520
Come on, then. Get up.
Come on, then. Oh, you...
430
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,240
Bingo!
431
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,000
Beat by a bawhair.
432
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,320
Excuse me a minute, sir, if I could
just tend to this customer first.
433
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,360
Of course.
434
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:43,960
Just ignore him, Walter.
435
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,040
How can I help you?
Wee accumulator came up there.
436
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,080
Nice. Let me see.
437
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:55,800
You started with £1.
438
00:21:55,800 --> 00:22:01,440
You predicted McPherson in round
three last night, score draw next,
439
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,680
the winner at Hamilton.
And you never took the odds.
440
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,800
That was clever. £210.
441
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,800
Well done.
442
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,840
How about me buying you a pint
443
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:16,920
and picking your brains
about your process?
444
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,880
Any time. Aye, any time.
445
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,840
No, I was referring
to the winner's enclosure.
446
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,920
Winston.
447
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,760
You're not taking a dump and all,
are you?
448
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,880
Indeed I am not. Filthy pig.
449
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,560
What did they say?
Ah, you're not going to like it.
450
00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:46,640
They said it could be
up to six hours.
451
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,960
No. I cannae go another six hours.
452
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,320
The water's starting to get cold,
you know?
453
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,680
Well, we can fix that
with a wee top up.
454
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,000
It's not coming.
Isa, please.
455
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,720
Ah! Away you go, you halfwit!
456
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,720
What have you done?
That's scalding hot, that!
457
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,480
That's too much.
Oh, it's absolutely roasting.
458
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,960
You may as well put potatoes
in here.
459
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,840
My balls are getting poached.
460
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,560
It's now or never, Jack. Victor!
461
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,160
Are you ready? One, two, three.
462
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,280
GROANS
463
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,480
THEY SHOUT
464
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,080
Get off me!
465
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,640
Victor, are you all right?
466
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,880
That's a good gang of pals you've
got here, Winston.
467
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,280
Oh, aye. I'm really lucky.
468
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,280
Jack, Victor, Tam, Eric...
469
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,680
..Isa, Navid.
CLEARS THROAT
470
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,320
Oh, and Stevie the bookie.
471
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,160
That was awful news about poor old
Auntie Lily dying, wasn't it?
472
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,240
And there it is. There what is?
The reason for your wee visit.
473
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,480
Your bus leaves in an hour,
but there's still one last
474
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,560
wee bit of business
to take care of, isn't there?
475
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,280
The bite. I don't know what you're
talking about.
476
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,920
I've warned you.
My ceiling is soaking now.
477
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:31,000
How can you still be stuck? It's a
hell of a carry on, right enough.
478
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,640
I mean, they're saying on the phone
it could be up to six hours.
479
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,160
Oh, shut up, I'm not wanting your
life story, you daft old trout.
480
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,200
Have you any Fairy Liquid?
481
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:42,040
In my kitchen, under the sink.
482
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,720
What's he going to do with
Fairy Liquid, Jack?
483
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,920
I don't know, maybe wants
to do a couple of dishes?
484
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,200
Calm himself down a bit.
Oh, like therapy that, isn't it?
485
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:55,480
Anger management.
Right, out the road.
486
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:01,400
Oh, my.
487
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:13,440
This is the letter that I got
telling me Lily had passed.
488
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,960
As soon as that arrived,
I knew you wouldn't be long
489
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,920
at the back of it because
that's how you operate.
490
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,520
Four times in the last 40 years
I've seen you.
491
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:29,640
Each time to borrow money,
which you never paid back.
492
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,960
You never even came to
your ma or your dad's funeral
493
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,080
because you knew they
had nothing.
494
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,080
So, was there any...
495
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:44,960
Money?
496
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,800
Aye, she left 4,000.
497
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:53,200
So that's 2,000 each? No.
498
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,520
Take the lot.
499
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,400
Aye.
500
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,400
I really am sorry for letting
all that water down in your new
501
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:19,000
bathroom, but I was stuck in that
bath for 20 hours.
502
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,480
Well, what are you doing taking
a bath at your age?
503
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,760
Ah, well, he normally takes a
shower, but he bought this, see?
504
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:27,120
Well, what is it?
Oh, that's the Techno Tub.
505
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,440
It's got everything.
Radio, lights, thermometer.
506
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,960
Aye, it's a good thing.
Well, what do you do with it?
507
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,000
Well, it just sits like this.
508
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,240
Voila.
CRASHING
509
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:46,080
Techno Tub. Bath tidy.
510
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,120
Your bathroom really is lovely.
511
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,120
Is that a new shower cubicle?
512
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,920
That must be weird for you, eh,
Winston?
513
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,120
How so? Well, you know.
514
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:36,000
Having an older brother
that's the life and soul and...
515
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,640
Funnier than me? ALL: No!
516
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:42,200
Look, ye cannae be jealous
of family.
517
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:47,720
Anyway, he's away now. So you'll
have to put up with the support act.
518
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:51,960
Winston, over the last couple of
days, Walter ran up a tab here.
519
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,000
£40.
520
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,600
Calm down. He telt me about that.
521
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:04,200
He gave me this to square you up.
522
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:08,680
Did you think he'd done a runner?
No. That's great.
523
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:13,840
Right, everybody. To Walter.
ALL: To Walter.
524
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,040
To Walter.
525
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,640
Still nae joy? Which one was it?
526
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:28,240
'Want me to make up the couch?
Hee-hee!'
38669
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