All language subtitles for Cook.Off.2007.720p.BluRay.x264-NODLABS

I was having a Sexy Soiree.

It's a multilevel marketing
home-based business that I do,

selling Lutheran-approved
sex toys to married ladies.

Wow, the excitement is palpable
with you ladies today.

You know, actually can you
hear me without the mic?

- Yeah, just sitting right here.
- I guess so. All right, okay.

All right, Sexy Soiree
is a Lutheran-based company.

These are Lutheran marital aids.

These products
are for marrieds only.

So little bit... and I got to
tell the truth here.

Pauline and I actually
don't use the products.

I was not even allowed
to look at the products.

I'm Sharon Solfest,
and this is my sister, Pauline.

I'm Pauline Solfest.

Well, you know,
this is the first time

in the history of
the Van Rookle's Farm Cook-off,

which started in 1945,
this is the first time

'there have ever been
two sisters, both finalists...

we don't like to say competing...

- because we're not competing.
- Because we're not competing.

We're... different categories.

And this is the fluffer whip.

Stop that, I'm not married.

My recipe is Easy One Cupboard
Death by Chocolate Pie.

It's, well, very chocolaty.

It starts off with a delicious
pre-prepared graham cracker,

chocolate graham cracker crust.

Then it has, like, a fondant,
like an icing.

- And...
- Smooth.

So smooth.
And then it's a mousse.

It's like a pudding/mousse
kind of a thing.

It's so good.
And then chocolate chips,

regular chocolate chips,
milk chocolate chips,

white chocolate chips,
and then candy.

Butterscotch chocolate chips.

The butterscotch
chocolate chips, thank you.

It'll give you a seizure.

This goes...

you know, pretty much any way
you would want it to go.

- Yeah.
- Do you need, like Novocain

or some kind of topical, uh,

- numbing agent to use that?
- I don't...

You know,
you're a medical professional

so you know more
about that than me.

This is where I work,

at Golden Minutes
Senior Day Care.

And it's the most fun thing
in the world for me.

This is Mrs. Burris.

I couldn't find an orderly
all night!

Where were the orderlies?
In your bedroom? Whore!

I get paid
only eight hours a day,

but I stay for 14 sometimes

because I'm having
so much darn fun.

I'm a nutritionist.

I do mostly soft foods

because that's what
they can digest here.

Hey, don't swallow
the whole spoon.

Ah, put it in my...

crack a hole
and put it in there.

In vegetables,
no one enters hardly.

No one ever wins that.

I thought, "Well,
I'll enter my cream corn."

It is cream corn
for the lactose intolerant.

It's made with Ja' Mocha Mix,
which is...

You know,
it's non-dairy creamer.

Right, cream corn,
non-dairy creamer.

Those that can't do it,
you know what happens

when you can't digest dairy.
That's a situation...

Well, you know, they have...

...that I would like to leave
for the third shift.

This is my life, you know.
I work here 14 hours a day.

I go home and take care
of my dad.

I don't have a lot of time.
I sure don't have a boyfriend.

So my fiancé,
Lars Hagerbakke and I,

are very much in love.

Um, we met at the
Blue Earth Community Theatre

doing a production
of Guys and Dolls.

I was adopted into
the Hagerbakke family.

Um, before that, I have vague
memories of my black family.

I remember...

I remember looking up
from what must have been a crib

and just seeing darkness and
eyes smiling back down at me.

When I first saw Sharon,

I said, "There is a doll,

there is a living
and walking doll

with all the fluids
that people have inside,

but a doll on the outside."

He talks like that all the...
give me a kiss.

You are so romantic.
Give me that kiss.

That's good.

We're probably the most

glamorous people in Blue Earth.

I'm very, very Swedish.

- I mean...
- The most Swedish.

Actually, his mom, Ingalo,

always says, "You know what,

Lars is the most Swedish

of everyone in our family."

He makes the foods...

All the recipes.
The Söcker Kaka,

- which is my favorite.
- Söcker Kaka,

which is our total favorite.

We love that so much.

It's like, could you
get enough Söcker Kaka?

- No. No.
- I don't think so.

I could literally wake up

with Söcker Kaka in my mouth
and be happy,

- if I could.
- He'd be happy.

That's the way
he'd love to wake up.

Uh, Lars and I

have made
a commitment to chastity.

We're chaste.
We are saving ourselves

for a covenantal marriage.

And we've been together,
it's not easy.

Can you describe
your physical life together?

Now this is the first year
that Van Pookle Farms

has offered
a million-dollar prize,

which is pretty amazing.

Sh! Please...

Keep it quiet because
I'm being interviewed.

The more Van Rookle Farms
ingredients you use

in your, um, in your dish,

the better chance
you have of winning.

So, for instance,
instead of using,

you know, like ground beef,

you could use Van Rookle Farms
imitation, um, meaty kernels,

and the great thing
about that is

that doesn't even need to be
refrigerated... ever.

So that's just... that's gonna
stay fresh wherever you...

you could be like, "Oh honey,
you dropped the meaty kernels."

It's like,
"Oh, just leave it there,

we'll get it later, it's fine."

So basically
what's going to happen

is that all 50 contestants

are going to come
pouring through that door,

and we've got contestants
from all over the nation.

One of everything.

It's like Noah's Ark
here at the cook-off.

Uh... women and this year,

one man,
our first male contestant.

And we've got
an African-American contestant

this year, finally.

And we...
Love to have her.

Happy to have her.
That's not an issue for us.

I don't know who it would be
an issue for.

And the Lord sayeth...

I dried up all the streams
of Egypt.

All the streams of Egypt.

Can I get an amen?

Honor thy mother and father,
says the Great Lord.

Now I like to honor my mother.

I'd like you all to know
that Sister Ladybug Briggs,

our very own
Sister Ladybug Briggs,

has just been chosen
as a finalist

in the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

Like manna from heaven,

her biscuits will deliver us.

Y'all know I can
make a biscuit.

The Lord delivered 5,000
with the loaves and fishes.

Well, she's about to deliver me.

My name is Ladybug Briggs.

The reason
they called me Ladybug

is because I love ladybugs.

Now I don't get the fingernails
with the Band-Aids on them

because these are weak,
and I'm using the Band-Aids

to hold them on.

I, uh, love ladybugs
'cause they bring me luck,

just like they're
going to bring me

for this cooking competition

on the... um...
for the Va...

What's the name?

It's, uh,
The Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

For the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

Now I have been, um, a cook

since I was probably
around 12 years old.

Markus, Markus,
you in the cameras, man.

Oh, all right.

I do karate if they looking for
somebody like that, just...

They ain't looking for nobod...

Well, they might be. You know,
that's my baby, Markus,

and if any of y'all need
somebody to do karate,

he's wonderful.

Yeah.

And I'm her eldest son,
Thaddeus Briggs.

- Yes, Thaddeus. This is my son.
- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.

- That's right.
- Reverend Thaddeus Briggs.

But not only is he a reverend,
he's also...

um, what's the other thing
you do?

- I'm a lawyer, mama.
- A minister and a lawyer.

You're looking at the winner.

The million-dollar baby
right here.

- Mom?
- Yes, baby?

Check this out.

Check out my pivot foot.
It don't move.

- That's my favorite.
- Thank you, Leigh.

Maybe after we do this,
you can...

the people can get you
doing that on camera.

Oh yeah, that would be
good outside.

- That'd be good.
- Hey, baby.

Markus, Markus, go around front

and get them prophylactics

- mama bought you now.
- All right, mama.

What's in my biscuit

is Meltameeta with...

it is a cheese and sausage
flavor product,

but now it ain't got
no real cheese

or no real sausage
up in there though.

No, that's because for people

that are allergenic
to those things.

And I have a wonderful scooter.

I had the carpel tunnel,

and people don't know
that carpel tunnel travels.

Tell them, Thaddeus.
It traveled to my legs

and made 'em weak!

There!

Anything else you want to know?

You know what? We can...

How many kidney stones
I've passed? Huh?

Why my right boobie is
a little bit higher

than the left?

I just got upset!

These people's all up in my...

- I know, it's all right.
- It's too many cameras.

It's too many white people.

I can't take it, Thaddeus.

They're gonna meet
the celebrity guest judges.

They're going to hear the rules.

And then, of course,
my favorite part,

the lighting
of the ceremonial oven,

which is just like the Olympics.

It's that kind of "haa",

you know, kind of moment.

When I go "haa," I mean,
like crowds cheering.

That sounded weird.

The Pioneer Days are coming up.

Will and I are going
as rootin' tootin' cowboys.

Being a mother
is the hardestjob ever.

It's very rewarding, but...

The only thing probably
harder is selling insurance.

I don't know if you're familiar
with the insurance game,

but it is brutal.

I wasn't in Vietnam,
I was too young,

but it's just like that.

It's nuts.
Half the time, I'm selling,

half the time I'm explaining it
to my own staff.

- It's... ugh.
- No. Yeah, nine to five.

I'm a finalist.

It's called
a Multi-Layered Anti-Oxidant

Rainbow Gelatin Dee-Light.

It's science
and it's also nutrition.

- Well...
- If we win the cook-off,

oh, my gosh, a million bucks.

Well, I'm planning on taking
a spa weekend just for myself.

You know, I mean,
just... just me time.

I mean, I'd like
some me time, too.

But, um, I'm too busy
earning a living.

- There's more good news?
- Yes, I'm pregnant!

- Oh.
- Hey.

She's talked about, like,
"Why don't you get a vasectomy?"

and I'm like, "Uh, because
it's a part of my body

that I care a lot about,

and I'm not going to
take a knife to it."

All of our kids,
if you can believe this,

all of them were born...
I was fully on contraception.

I mean, to be very honest,

I'm scared to sleep in the same bed
with him anymore.

- Just when I look at him
- "Do-do, do-do, do-do..."

This is what we call
the ring of fire.

These ovens are used

for the very last stage
of the competition,

and this is only
for the seven finalists.

This is the official
Van Rookle Farm jumbotron.

Basically what'll happen is that
Morty Van Pookle, it's so sad,

he... this is the first time
in 40 years he can't be here

because he had
quadruple bypass surgery,

but he'll be watching us
from the jumbotron.

Remember, I can see you
from here, okay?

So, it's almost as if you're
in bed here with me.

- It's so great.
- Morty Van Rookle Ill is,

um, he's kind of like
a father figure to me

in that I don't talk to my real dad
anymore at all.

I am owner/creator of
Dougherty and Daughter Realty,

and I actually won.

Not only was I a finalist,
but I won

the entire contest
just some years ago, and now...

- 24 years ago.
- It really wasn't 24 years ago.

- Please. Darling, I'm talking.
- Sorry.

And we are excited because she's
going to continue the legacy.

We have dough in the name.

- I'm sorry?
- Dougherty.

Dough is in the name.

Oh, that's cute.

My recipe is a Luscious

Lemon-Lime Crumble Pie.

If I were to win
a million dollars,

I might give some of the money
to my mother.

Thank you.

That's very sweet.

Well, you know,
for your retirement.

I plan to donate proceeds
to our charity,

Yachting for Tomorrow.

I don't think that's wise, dear.

I would donate probably
about 50 percent.

No, I think that's...
we'll talk about it.

- We'll talk about it later.
- Right, but some of the proceeds

would go
to Yachting for Tomorrow.

It all began

when I won the cook-off,

and I used most of that money

to start Yachting for Tomorrow

to save at risk youth.

I want to get
a couple of pictures of you

for my little photo album.

One of the goals
for me today

was to teach some of these
gang members,

um, lessons on grooming.

Your pants are falling down,
sweetheart.

I can see your butt.

There actually aren't
any in Connecticut,

so we bus them in

- from New Jersey.
- New Jersey.

Honey, I can't see your eyes.
Say, "Jizzle jizzle."

Now everybody say,
"Get jiggy with me."

For many of them,
they've never even seen water,

and so we like to just sort of
have them

experience many things
that they may never do again.

One, two, three, cheese.

Let's have them come out here
to parade around!

All right. Sharon, Pauline,
we're so happy you're here.

What are you going to do
with the money if you win?

That's what we want to know.
You know that.

First off, I'm going to
buy cars for all my friends.

You know who you are.

- That's me!
- And then I'll probably,

I'm going to be buying a house
in Malibu and a private jet,

and then I'll probably get
an apartment in New York,

and then we might... we might get
a second home in Chippewa Falls.

See if you have money,
money makes money

so you can spend
all the money you want.

Go! Go! Go!

You know, I... to me,
I just wanted to go

so I can watch her win.
But if I won,

I'd buy her
whatever she wants

for her wedding
for her and Lars.

That's very Blue Earth!

Good luck to ya!

From Los Angeles,
this is Christine Merriweather

live from the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

The arrival day's beginning.

The tension's beginning
to mount

and people are excited.

All kinds of wonderful things
are going to happen here

and I'm going to bring it to
you live from the Nosh Network.

Ooh, hoo-hoo.

Uh, don't adjust the head too much
because it's not a mask,

- it's your head.
- It's tight!

No reason to be
adjusting your head, you know.

It's tight!

- And you are?
- I'm Richard Pasternack.

This is my wife, Patty.

Patty, hi.

Oh, my gosh, you've got quite...

Oh, my gosh, you do have a load.

Oh, there he is. There he is.

Move. Move. Go, go, go.

Aww.

Okay, bye.

Hi, welcome to La Casa Merado,

home of the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off.

Sharon Solfest,
this is Pauline Solfest.

- Lars Hagerbakke.
- Pauline Solfest,

I'm in the vegetable category
in the cook-off.

Okay, that's one.

I've got one standard

for Sharon Pauline Solfest.

No, it's Sharon and Pauline.

It's two rooms.
We're engaged.

It'll be a little alone time
for us,

so it's a little romantic
getaway.

Actually, we were thinking
of actually possibly,

possibly making love on this.
But I will tell you what.

If this hotel only has one room,
we will work with that.

The decision to remain chaste
until we're married

was definitely my idea.

I mean, I think it's wise
to get to know somebody

really on the outside
before I go,

you know, just rooting around

on the inside.

Where do you want Lars
to set up your bed?

- No, no.
- Over there.

No, I'll take the bed.

- I'll take the rollaway bed.
- Oh honey, that's crazy.

I don't mind sleeping
in the rollaway.

There is no way, as a gentleman,

I am going to climb in bed
with you

with what I want to do to you
in front of your sister.

So I had better,
for everybody's safety,

I better just take
the rollaway bed.

We can put the Bible
between you.

Do you remember the story
of the little boy

and the Söcker Kaka?

Yeah. He loves this story.
He tells it all the time.

Well, it's a good story,

and it's right
for our relationship.

He was mixing the eggs,

and the little boy
tries to eat them.

"No, wait." Flour,
he tries to eat.

- "No, wait." The sugar.
- "No, wait." "No, wait."

"No, wait." "No, wait."

"Wait till the Söcker Kaka
is ready."

And I want to wait
in our relationship

till that Söcker Kaka is ready.

Well, I am willing to wait
for the Söcker Kaka

if you are willing to wait
for the Söcker Kaka.

I have to wait.

Wee, Muffin... aah!

There he is, Muffin Man!
Just like on TV.

- Now, Mr. Swazy...
- Sweezy.

That's what I said.

Got the Muffin Man here.

Ladybug Briggs's biscuits
are going to be the thing.

- They gonna win.
- Well...

We gonna have the first

African-American winner

of Van Rookle Cook-off.

Be very nice.
Of course, we don't know.

We know it's going to happen,
but...

I'm a man of the cloth.

I speak to a higher power,
you know what I'm saying?

- I know.
- Well...

Just a little snuggling,

a little, like,

leading up into what
our marriage is going to be.

We haven't ever even
been in a bed together.

Do you know back in college,
they called me Full Throttle,

and that's for one reason only.

I don't have a medium.

I don't have a low gear.

I can't imagine being this close
to you, lying down...

- Yeah.
- Without going F-U-L-L throttle.

Don't get me wrong,
I would love,

at this very moment,

to just rip her open
like a Christmas package,

but I can't do that.

- Oh, listen to you.
- I've promised myself

that I'm going to stay chaste.

I mean, I want this lady,

um... every day,
uh... all day.

- But I have...
- And at night.

- And at night. At night.
- Every day and all night.

But I have to literally
hold myself back

from just destroying everything
I've worked for.

Would it be weird to anyone
if I took the sheet off of here

and hung it
between the two beds?

Can I help you?

I'm not supposed to
take off my head.

Is that right? Is that a rule?

I guess I just broke that rule,
but to be on TV,

that seemed like a good reason.

This is the Muffin Man

and Muffin Man is our beloved
mascot who wears a mask.

Put it on.

So yeah. I'm sorry,
so Muffin Man can't speak.

Muffin Man's a muffin.
We don't talk to Muffin Man.

We just... you can press
Muffin Man's belly

and he'll giggle,
and he's delicious.

So...

Well, Cassandra,
you're a contestant.

That's very exciting.

- Your hair is very pretty.
- Huh?

To be a great chef, as I am,
you need that passion.

You need that innate,
instinctive skill,

and I have that.
That's in my bones.

That's in my DNA,
and unfortunately,

Cassandra shares DNA
with my ex-husband.

- I lack passion.
- She sure does.

- I'm more like my father.
- You know, he did have

one passionate little muscle
in there somewhere

for the nanny, and he took off
with that little nanny,

and now we realize
we don't need men.

Men leave. Men leave.

That's what Mom
always taught me.

- Men leave.
- Men leave.

Men leave. They leave.

Are you a contestant with
the Van Pookle Farms Cook-off?

I have been in the past.

- Oh, really? Tell me about that.
Yes.

Well, my name is Daneel Kuhar,

which I'm sure I probably
didn't have to tell you,

because I was in the competition
three times

and then after you do it
three times,

you're no longer permitted
to do it.

- Three times and you're out.
- No.

Well, three times and then

you're the past dazzler, so...

Past dazzler. The past dazzler.
Pight.

I pulled out all the
stops at the Idaho Spudtacular

because there was a woman
there, Daneel Kuhar.

She's not a good person,
and so it was...

it became important to us
to win the Spudtacular.

She set the potato salad aflame.

Which is, you know,
harder to do than you think.

It is not that easy to set
a potato salad on fire.

Wore this wonderful
American bikini

with yellow ribbons,

welcoming the troops back
to the bosom of America.

S- H-A-R-O-N.
S- H-A-R-O-N.

- S-H-A-R-O-N.
- Yeah.

She's going to win the cook-off.

Um, I'm here to support
my sweetheart,

the love of my life.

His name's Del Crawford.
He's going to win

with his
Coco-Nutty Dream Bars,

Del's Coco-Nutty Dream Bars.

You're going to cook
this damn thing,

you're going to win us
a million dollars,

and that's all there is to it,

and then Sharon Solfest
can just suck it!

- Did I contribute to his recipe?
- True.

No, I wouldn't even go near
the kitchen when he was baking.

- I stay away.
- No, that's part of the rules.

And is it a really big check?

- I mean, the size of it.
- Oh, yeah, it's a big ol' check.

It's one of those
big, crazy checks.

- They give it to you.
- That's good.

Yeah, you get to stand
on a podium,

you get a lot
of confetti thrown at you.

You get to have your day
in the sun.

Some of us will
never get to have that.

I just want the big check.
I don't want the confetti.

It's going to take the world
by storm,

this recipe
that he came up with.

Wow, a love story at the
Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

There's nothing
better than that, is there?

I'm so luck to be here.

Hi, how are you?

Not since the Spudtacular,
oh, my gosh.

I know.

I just keep pouring
that sauce.

That might be
a little much.

He is in the competition.

He's my honey and I'm here
to support him.

That's so great.
What are you making?

We're doing a...
chocolate something.

And what's it called?

It's...

You don't know the name
of your... Oh.

I'm thinking for a second.

Let's just talk real.
That's not her boyfriend.

What are you saying?

I'm going to tell you
what's going on.

They're cheating.

- You don't know they are.
- What'd you say?

They're cheating, because
you think that guy cooks?

He doesn't even know
the name of his recipe.

How do you come up with recipes?

I mean, where's
the inspiration come from?

The million dollars.

It's like he's her puppet.

Like... like she makes the...
and then he, like, yeah.

Yeah, like that.

In his defense,
I did once hear seriously

that Hitler made crème brulee.
So...

Markus Thelonious Monk Briggs.

Wow, I'm Cassandra Dougherty.

Really? Kiss-sandra?
Well, I guess I will.

Are you a contestant?

No, my mama's in the contest,

but, um, so I have
a lot of down time,

if you know what I mean.

I'm in room 218.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, that's lovely.

We're actually in room 598.

Oh, nice. Fifth floor.
Fifth floor. All right.

- No... Hi, my name...
- Hi.

- ...is Victoria Dougherty.
- This is my mother.

- Nice to meet you.
- Sweetheart...

Can I get more gumbo?

Would you get me some? Oh.

- It's okay.
- Could I...

go get me
some more gumbo?

I'm really, really hungry.
Thank you.

- Fifth floor. Fifth floor.
- Very nice meeting you.

Yeah, it'll be even nicer
meeting me later. Ha-ha.

Go get me some gumbo,
sweetheart.

I just want to warn
you, she has a mental illness,

Obsessive Attachment
Syndrome, OAS.

- Attachment?
- Yes, and what happens...

- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah, attachment.

That's sort of like my,
that's like my kryptonite

for somebody like me.

Now tell me something,
what's your name?

My name... my name is,
uh, Victoria.

Well, Victoria, you too,
I can see

that the apple didn't fall
far from the tree.

Could you not?

He likes to be
with a celebrity.

She's a celebrity and although
I'd never heard of her,

a lot of people... had.

Um... She keeps telling me.

One favor, don't get drunk.

Too late.

- Daneel Kuhar.
- Oh, Daneel.

Daneel, you know me.

- No.
- Daneel Kuhar.

- Daneel, Nancy.
- You know me, Nancy.

No, I have no idea.

- Nice to meet you.
- Why don't you take my plate

over to that table over there

- and maybe...
- I don't have enough hands.

That's all right, honey,
you can do this.

That's it. Save us a couple
of seats over there.

That's a good girl.

She's a little ill,
and she'll just grab onto you,

and she'll never let you go.

She's probably naming
your children already.

Oh, look at that.

It's a little bit over the top.

That's it, sweetheart.

Have you met
any important people?

All I'm finding are these
cooking ladies, no offense.

I met one real cute girl,
but she was crazy,

but I think me and her mama
might hook up.

- So I don't know.
- I just want...

Is she a contestant?

Don't do nothing that's
going to disqualify Mother,

because that's a million dollars
riding on that.

What you got down here ain't
worth no million dollars.

Nice to meet you. I'm here
with the Chow Channel.

I have to look
at my own microphone

because we just switched
the name of the network.

- What was it called before?
- Munchy Time.

Oh, this is
a much better name then.

Who is he? Who is that?

Ruckle. Van Ruckle, okay.
All right, I got it.

I got it. It's a very
hard name to remember.

Fairly simple, the Contestant...

So the rules
for Van Rookle Cook-off

are pretty much simple.

Excuse me,
um, let's move over here.

I want to introduce
our celebrity,

Master of Ceremonies,
Mr. Gavin McCloud.

Welcome aboard,
ladies and gentlemen.

They have acquired
Gavin McCloud,

as you can see,
is the MC for the event.

All right, all right,
that's so sweet of you.

Thank you very much.

You make me think
I'm back on the Love Boat.

It's my great pleasure
now to introduce to all of you

the entrance of contestants.

And what's
going to happen now

is all the contestants

are entering
the stadium now.

Jericho and Moonlight
are singing their way

into the stadium.

This gentleman here
is taking a picture.

Look at that.
People are getting very happy

and, uh, you can feel, uh...

it turns into an exciting event.

An amazing assortment
of contestants here,

one pregnant woman.
There's a disabled woman here,

and look at them all
in their Van Rookle aprons.

They all look
so absolutely adorable.

It is my great pleasure to present
to you our three judges.

Our first judge is
a distinguished journalist

from New York City.

Say hello to David Lord.

I am a student editor
of the magazine Gourmet Tongue,

a very up... probably these folks
would never have heard of it.

It's a very upscale,
refined magazine

for the very refined pallet.

I've got extremely refined
taste buds.

I've been chosen
one of the top three buds

in Manhattan last three years
in New York Magazine.

I should probably
have them insured.

Our next judge probably needs
no introduction.

You remember her
from the Bob Newhart Show.

He was the secretary on the...

Mary Tyler Moore Show.

On the Bob... the original
Bob Newhart Show,

and she played the secretary
out in the hallway.

Well, you know, I...

This isn't my first time
with an unusual venue ruckus,

I was the spokesperson

for the Prune Growers
of America.

You know, after you've had to
eat pounds of prunes,

this has got to be tastier.

And last,
but certainly not least,

he is the President
of Federated Grocery Stores.

I want you to say hello
to Mike Sweezy.

I really like this process.

I like to meet
the new cooks coming up,

and we have a club card,
which is an excellent deal.

- Mm-hmm.
- And...

Explain the club card.

- Well, you get a discount.
- Okay.

And here is a special message

from the President
of Van Rookle Farms,

the beloved and adored,
Morty Van Rookle Ill.

Hey, welcome...

I love you.
I love you, Morty.

to Van Rookle Farm's
million-dollar Cook-off.

Yeah.

One million dollars
of my money.

Yeah, let's see some hands.
Come on, put them up there.

That's right, good.

Wave, honey. Just wave
and look at the camera.

Wave. Good, that's good.

Thank you. Thank you, Morty,
and your beloved beautiful missus.

I have a feeling it's going
to be a great weekend

to be a bulimic.

And now, for your pleasure...

Are you serious
or are you joking around?

Jericho and Moonlight.

I'm not trying to be a...

It's a cook-off.

No, we're not,
but I do need it from...

Jesus Christ.

Did you hear what she just said?

She asked me if she could
borrow the battery,

I'm not even joking around,
to our camera.

I'm a judgmental person, so,
I'm the right man for the job.

So, I'm going to have
a lot of opinions,

I speak my mind, and, um...

I am a little hungover,

so that's not going to be
easy on people

but I think it makes my opinions
a little sharper.

Are those real women?

Right now, we're going to watch
the lighting of the...

uh, ceremonial stove.

I'm just curious, Tim.
Was this your idea?

- Yeah.
- How did I know?

Let the flour fly!

Let's back up...

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm in the way here.

The competition is like
a battlefield in here,

which I love.

Oh, look at this.
They're coming in here.

They're taking their stances.

Genuinely starting
to feel the excitement,

and we'll meet
some of these people.

Say hi to them real quick.

They're thinking
about what they're doing.

They're trying
to get their packaging open.

They're trying
to get their jars open.

They're trying
to get their cans open.

They're trying
to cut their lemons.

They're trying
to prepare the ingredients

that might make them the big
million-dollar winner here.

I'll tell you what, I'm getting
caught up in the excitement.

75 pounds of margarine,

150 pounds
of refrigerator biscuits,

67 ovens all
for the one-million-dollar prize.

As a matter of fact,
we will be the first

African-American people

to ever win
the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

Never once.

I mean, all the black people
in the world that cook,

and not one of them has won.

The chances of her not winning
the cook-off,

you have greater chances of me
putting on wooden shoes

right now and dancing
until they burst aflame.

Yeah.

She's going to win
the cook-off.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Sharon!

What's up, brother?

Hi, how are you? I'm Lars..

- Yeah, my nigga.
- Hi.

- Hello, negro.
- I didn't even see you here.

Yes, I'm here with my fiancé.

Who? I don't see no sisters.

No, no, no.
She's not a sister.

She's standing right over there.

- Is she white?
- Yes.

I heard them white women
is crazy in the bedroom.

- Excuse me?
- What?

Once we do make very sweet
and slow love,

I'm sure it will be
a wild experience.

You ain't tasted
that cracker yet?

Pardon me?

You ain't tasted
on that cracker yet?

My brother is a preacher
and he get

more drawers than anybody.

You don't need to be telling...

Well, I truly believe
you keep the candy in the jar

until it's time to eat it, okay?

- Why would you do that?
- Her candy is in her jar, okay?

We are authorized
to use force at this time.

The competition
has already begun.

Miss, miss, miss...

They're going to have to...
oh shit, I gotta go.

Sorry, ma'am.

At this time, don't make me get
you in a chokehold, lady.

I am not...

this is the wrong day,
you understand me?!

Whoa, excuse me,
everything's okay.

Can I help you?

I'm Amber and I'm here,

and I've been chosen,

and I want to get in there
and cook. I'm sorry.

- Oh, we're a little late.
- Well, that's all right.

Yeah, disqualified.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Actually, no, I'm not.
- You're disqualified.

- You're disqualified.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Well, okay,
we're all disqualified.

Fine, I'm not going to win
a million dollars.

Hi, Blue Earth.

Hi, Golden Minutes
Senior Day Care.

Hello. It's Pauline.

It's Pauline.

You remember Pauline?

Because I didn't
tell her I entered.

She told me nothing.

Really.

I feel angry that she didn't...
just because you...

because I could have helped you,
that was all.

I just was a little...

It's a vegetable dish,
it is cream corn

for the lactose intolerant,
it's a good idea.

It's not like
she's going to win, you know.

I actually know
that it's my destiny to win

because I had a vision

that I would win
the Van Rookle's Farm Cook-off.

So that's something
we both know.

Right.

The Pope is the example
I always give.

I think the Pope is
the kind of guy to be like,

"You know,
I'm probably not going to be

an insurance salesman,
I'm probably going to be,

like, the Pope or something,"
you know.

So that's what happened to me

is I just knew that this is
what's going to happen.

No, I'm sorry,
you're late for the...

I mean, I can show you
in the rulebook.

I'm aware we're late.

We've been driving
for two weeks.

No, no... Any con...

- No, no, no!
- Sorry, sorry.

Miss, miss, miss.
Sir, can I ask you

to ask your lady to give us
the tag number?

- Don't call her a lady.
- I'm sorry.

Do you have to start and end
every conversation

by saying that I'm not
going to win the cook-off?

- Pauline.
- Whoa, sorry, sorry.

Only contestants allowed
on the competition floor.

- I'm sorry, what is your name?
- I'm Amber and I'm here.

- Oh, Amber Strain.
- Yes.

Well, I am so sorry, but you...

It's okay. It's been rude,
but it's okay.

Oh, it's been terrible.

I am so sorry,
but you are disqualified.

No, I'm actually not.

Don't do that.
Get that giant off me.

Sorry, unless there's
a force of majeure,

as it says,
you can't come in here.

- I don't have one of those.
- Force majeure.

I don't have one of those.

We do have that.
We have a force majeure.

No, no. Unless there is
a force of majeure...

We've been driving
all the way from Pittsburgh.

They said...

Distance is not
force of majeure.

And if you're...
I'm speaking right now.

I'm speaking.

If you are tardy,
you're disqualified.

Would you please tell me
what it was that kept you

from getting here on time?

We picked up a man
in drawstring pants,

which I'd like to say
is not a good idea.

He took his pants off.

There was an incident
at a gas station,

and I did not
put my fingers anywhere,

and next thing I know
we're in trouble,

and we're walking.

She didn't put
her fingers anywhere

and that's what
we want to remember.

- I didn't do anything!
- I'm American.

I was trying
to pull his pants up!

This is part of the drama
of a cook-off.

Let her in! Let her in!
Let her in! Let her in!

Something very interesting
is happening here

where people are advocating

for the late couple here.

My name is Amber,
and I want to cook!

Let her in! Let her in!

Absolutely, it's...
Terrific, let's let her in.

Now, minding,
she only has about...

35 minutes to finish a recipe.

- Where do I go? Where do I go?
- Number 16.

This is just
an amazing story here.

These people,
from what I understand,

have been living out of a car,

doing everything they can
to get here to this competition

in hopes of winning
a million dollars.

Where is he? Where's my honey?
Where is he?

He usually opens all the cans.

I have a little arthritis.

And now she's going to do her
best and this is very dramatic,

- let's keep an eye on her.
- I need my can opener.

We had picked up a man
somewhere in Iowa,

and one thing that we turned
around to back up the van,

he did not have pants on.

It was...
I did not know what to do.

Obviously,
we got to a gas station,

and next thing I'm in trouble

because he doesn't
have pants on.

I don't know him.

Because a lot of people
have been talking about you.

Then I will have you to know

that I'm going to go down
in history,

right along the sides
of Aunt Jemima

and Mrs. Butterworth's.

See, those are two black women,

colored gals if you will,

um, who have made their mark
in the cooking world.

Now a lot of people don't know

that Mrs. Butterworth's
is black.

Well, when you fill up
the bottle with the syrup,

there's no denying
that she's black.

You see what I mean?

What...

What are you doing?

Get up.
Get it on, put it on.

This is out... outrageous!

- I'm taking a break.
- Oh, my God! This is like...

- No cameras, no cameras.
- Get him! Help him up.

- ...the Muffin Man...
- No cameras!

Outrageous.

The gloves. The glove.

I did not like that guy
at the door.

- Well, I think he did his best.
- Over there, I don't like him.

I think he did his best.

Muffin Man does three things.

He waves, he giggles,

and he hugs contestants
who are pleased...

Oh, God. Not me!

These are blueberry.

Some of the dishes
I can see with my eyes.

I don't need to taste that.

I don't even know
if I can smell it.

I don't even know
if I can get near it.

Just by looking at it,
you lose, you lose,

you, um,
should be arrested for that.

We were just being nice.

So the point is don't...

if someone
has a drawstring pant on

and they want a ride,
I guess don't pick them up.

That's what I'm trying
to tell America.

Listen here, in America,

do not pick up a person
with drawstring pants.

They come off so easy.

It's like being on safari,
but the car is open

and the animals
are coming at you,

and they're serving you
their young.

It's what it's like,

but their young are slathered
with butter, cinnamon,

and sorts of...
like, cheese/meat by-products.

I see she's hurting,
and I don't want to

get in the middle
of the story,

but we are going to
stick with you

- if that's all right, Amber.
- That's okay.

That's okay.

Do you do your own hair?

- It's so nice.
- Well, thank you.

- Do you do your own hair?
- I do. I do.

- What's going on?
- My sister...

My sister is marrying
a homosexual.

Did you say homosexual?

Well, how do you know?

He's over there.

Sharon!

It makes me upset,
and I want you to talk to her,

and I know that you happen
to know a lot about love,

and I need you to help me
because I just don't...

Well, I just have to tell you,

I'm really not
a relationship counselor.

- Oh, Captain.
- Really, I'm not even a Captain.

Tell us what you're making.

I am making a sweet potato,

which is technically
a vegetable, and I layer it.

I put sweet potatoes,
condensed milk,

marshmallows,
baby marshmallows.

I find that if you use
the big marshmallows,

they just don't,
they don't melt up,

and then some chocolate
right on top.

Chocolate?

You know, I can't talk and bake
at the same time, okay?

No one knows...

no one ever thinks
this is coming, but I do this.

Just...
Nobody knows that.

I would have never thought
to do that.

- It's nice. It's fresh.
- It's very original.

So I know you want me
to do well,

so, um, I've got to
say good-bye, okay?

No, no, no, no!

And then do you just cook it
over the stovetop?

I just mash the shit out of it.

Do I feel like
I've pushed Cassi too hard?

Absolutely not.
She needs every push, every jab,

- every kick I can give her.
- I need it. I need it.

She needs it.

I've made this
with a Bunsen burner.

I have made this, oh, I made it
with a cigarette lighter

in much smaller amounts,
but it really does work.

Yeah, sure.

And not unlike,
have you seen the shows on TV

where the really fat people
have to lose the weight,

and so they sweat and they sweat
and they cry and they cry,

and it's like,

"Can't go anymore,
can't go anymore"

and their coaches just say,

"Yes, you can, do it, do it,
do it, you're fat."

You are pretty, you are smart.
Keep saying that.

Mommy thinks I'm pretty.

- You don't have to be pretty
- Mommy thinks I'm smart.

to win a cook-off competition.

It sure helps. It sure helps.

You just need to have
a good recipe.

And you think Mommy won...

Mommy made nice
with the judges, dear.

Would you like some?

There's raw eggs,
but they're probably fresh.

Thank you, I'd love to taste
some when it's done.

If you can just remember,
when a judge walks by,

just sort of wiggle your hip.
Always worked for mommy.

I'll talk to you later, okay?
Okay, bye.

That was very rude.

- That was...
- Use more marshmallows.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Are you allowed on this floor?

Sir, you're going to
need to step back.

He's okay. He's okay.
He's okay. He's okay.

Very strict here about
letting people on the floor.

I said back it up, hot shot!

Can't you hear me?!

Let...
don't spill his coffee!

Your sister seems to think that,

you know, I have
a little knowledge

regarding relationships,

because I was a captain
on a television show.

Well, you're the captain
of the Love Boat.

No, but I want to confess.

I'm as dumb as the next guy.

Oh, you're too modest.

I just want to
tell you something.

You know, uh...

you can lead a horse
to water,

but you can't make them drink.

Now maybe your fiancé
doesn't like to drink water.

Oh, he loves water.

I don't... I need
a can opener that works.

Ma'am, I'm just trying to
keep everything...

My mom had always made this dish

when I was growing up,
and I can't find her anymore

and I don't...
About six months ago, she left,

just for a little walk
and we haven't seen her

in six... seven months,
six or seven months.

So, I'd be awfully curious
to know where she is.

I really need a can opener
that works.

Do you have a can opener
that works?

Good luck.

I don't mean that.

The love of my life is cooking.

It's just very emotional.

Oh, are you nervous?

I'm very nervous.
I'm very nervous.

Have I had any influence
on Del's cooking or baking?

No, absolutely none.
He's the one who teaches me.

Have you ever heard
of the phrase idiot savant?

That's him.

What the hell are you saying?

How much time do I have here?

We're really here, aren't we?

We're really doing it.

Honey, I'm doing it!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah.

It's really good, too.

It's really good.

All right, nice meeting you,
my man.

I'll be looking for you.

That shouldn't hurt.
That should not hurt.

Okay.
Pleasure to meet you.

Peace! Peace!

Peace, two fingers!
Holla! Holla!

What's up?

I just need you
to keep it down in this area.

Oh, three black people together
is too much for you.

My Swahili brother over there,

oh, that's too much Africa
up in the house.

I don't know if you can get
a shot of that,

but that's really looking
about where it should be.

I'm cooking, honey!

- Cook it though.
- I'm cooking it.

- What?
- Baby, you want a taste?

Yeah.

- You want a taste?
- Oh wait, oh wait.

Okay. Not yet.

Not yet. It's not done yet.

- Cook it.
- It's hotter than I thought.

Pauline.
Pauline.

What did you tell
Captain Stubing

about my relationship with Lars?

What's going on with that?

I said, "My sister's
getting married."

I said... That's all I said.
I said... you know?

I'm sorry, I'm going to
have to ask you

to take a breather outside.

Ah! Don't put your hands on me!

- Okay...
- That's assault and batter.

And I like to put
a little of these

just on the top of it
because it looks good.

Basically, I spread 'em out

with my hands... it's fine,
once everything cooks,

they're not that clean
but it really cooks up nice.

You all have got to get along
or my pressure's going to go up.

I would like to offer both
of you a 50-cent coupon,

50 cents off anything...

- Ooh, thank you.
- That is for you.

Thank you, my man.
My man.

My man.

It is a pleasure
to have you here.

Timothy Whims!

- Yeah, honey?
- Are you using coconut milk?

I'm putting...
I don't have coconut milk.

No, I'm putting in
evaporated milk.

What?

I'm putting in evaporated milk!

Evaporated milk?

I've just noticed
that there's a little tension

between the two of you.
Is that totally the competition?

My sister is, you know,
less than zero chance of winning

because there's actually never
been a vegetable winner.

The odds of, like, a meteor
crashing down into this room

and landing directly
on your head.

Sharon has calculated
the odds of her sister,

Pauline, winning.

- Why are you doing this?
- What do you mean?

I'm here, okay?

I'm here. That's
a big thing for me, okay?

I'm very proud of you for that.

I know, you're the show pony
of the family,

and I'm the work horse,
but I got here, okay?

Why are you attacking me?

This is, like,
my moment in the sun

and all a sudden you're like...

And you insult me
in front of other people

and you put me down
all the time.

I am sick of it.

- Oh, I put you down?
- Yes, you do.

I don't know
what you are doing right now.

Oh, by the way,

I am not paying your
MasterCard bill this month.

I'm just thinking that maybe
the best thing for us...

is don't speak.

Fine. I don't want
to talk to you.

You are married?

Uh... No.

Um...
Well, I haven't met Mr. Right.

Um, I was engaged,

and my mother thought
that he wasn't suitable for me,

and I think she was right.

Well, I hate to
interrupt you there,

but I know you want to get back
to what you're cooking

and I don't want to
hold you up here.

Good luck to you
and all my best.

Oh...

I've never had a badge bef...

I get a badge!

I've never had a badge before.

I tried to do some police work
because I like a badge,

but they said absolutely not,

and I could not get up
that ladder wall anyway.

I've been pulled over
by the police,

and that's what made me think
maybe it was a good fit,

'cause I always end up
talking to them,

and we get along pretty well.

I mean, and not so well
when I'm arrested,

but if they let me off
that usually goes pretty well.

I burned my pie.

Yeah, what is it?

Okay, we have a code red.

Code red! Fire in aisle,
what is it?

Well, what is it?
Aisle two.

- Where is it? What's smoking?
- It's right here.

I've got to go, Mom.

Ah... Ah!

- Is it on fire?
- No, here.

Cassandra,
Don't embarrass me.

Well, that's not a fire.
That's not a fire.

I was called for a fire.
That's just a burned pie.

Stop looking stupid!

- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize to me.

I mean, you've got
a little bit of time.

If you want to make it again,
you have the time.

You have the ingredients.

Okay, I'm going to
make it again.

I'm going to make it again.

I can make it again.
I can make it again.

I'm going to make it again,
and I'm going to do it my way.

My name is Pauline Solfest,
and I'm the other...

- What are you making?
- Cream corn.

- Oh...
- That looks good though.

Cream corn makes me sick,
but good luck.

It makes me really sick.

Cream corn kind of...
it never really changes form.

I think it goes in
like it comes out.

Are you concentrating?
Are you concentrating?

You know what?

You can take this recipe
and shove it!

Honey, listen to me.

Listen to me.
Listen to me.

I never wanted to do this
in the first place.

You made me do this.

You know what?
'Cause you're a has-been!

I'm not a has-been!
I'm not a has-been!

I taught her everything!

I taught you everything!

That actually looks
and smells awfully good.

It is very good,
and again it's super easy.

I mean, if you were blind,
you could make it.

You know, if you were blind,
you could still cook, you know?

You have one minute left

for the Van Rookle's...

One-million-dollar contest.

You only have, like,
thirty seconds.

Yes, just go. Go!

Please hand in your recipes now.

It's not browning, honey!
It's not browning, okay?

It's not browning!
It's not browning!

Do you have a lighter?
Do you have your lighter?

Her dish is not finished.

I think she's going to
go with it as it is.

Everybody is bringing
their food down.

She's going to have to
bring it up.

It's not browning.
It's not browning!

I can't serve it
if it's not brown.

This is what it boils down to,

the final moment
where these people

are rushing towards the station.

Okay, I'm doing it.

I'm doing...

I still have it!

I have to disqualify you
if the food touches the ground.

- No, it's not!
- Another technicality.

I'm sorry.

Honey, he said
it touched the ground.

I think you touched the ground.

I don't write 'em.
I just read 'em.

So if you touched the ground,
that's disqualified.

What would you have done
with the million dollars

if you did win?

Excuse me, that is
a very unkind question.

I would fire him,

and I'd get a new van
and I'd find my mother.

The food has touched the ground,

and excuse me,
but I think Timothy Whims

is taking a little bit too much
pleasure in that fact.

I think he's an asshole.

It's the end
of day one

at the Van Rookle Farms
Cook-off,

and tensions are running high.
It's been a big emotional day.

Uh, we don't know
who the seven finalists are.

We will find out that tomorrow.
In the meantime,

the contestants will be
going to a party tonight

to let their hair down
a little bit

and tear it out perhaps.

But there have been a couple
of disqualifications.

Cassi was eliminated today,
is that right?

I am so humiliated.

Cassandra, this is
your mother speaking.

You are a sick,
sick little puppy,

and I don't want you
to come home

until you get... help

with some mental health
professional.

I feel liberated.

I feel liberated right now.

My father left us
because she's a bitch, okay?

My father couldn't handle her,
all right?

And any time any man
would come around,

she would scare them away.

You know what?

Tonight, I'm going to
the first guy I see.

I'm going to him.

And all the recipes are in.

No one knows who's going to be
in the ring of fire,

the seven finalists.

So you feel okay about
how it went today, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, good, so maybe you'll be
in the ring of fire tomorrow.

- He's shy.
- I like some chocolate cake.

- I like vanilla pudding.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.

Whoo! Yeah!

You know,

what if they both made it
into the finals tomorrow?

Wouldn't that be something?

If that happens,
I will probably sprout wings

from my bottom and fly out
of here butt first, okay?

That's not gonna happen.

I'm just questioning
the wisdom of fraternizing

with a corporate symbol
is all I'm saying.

I'm questioning the wisdom
of you walking around

with your hoo-has
sticking out of your what-nots.

Someone's gonna drop
a meatball down there.

These biscuits represent
an opportunity for your coming

to metastasize his reach
into the black community.

Hey, remember that guy,
Del Crawford?

Oh right, yeah.

Remember him, I asked for
a background check.

You're a cheater.

He's cooking your recipe.
It's so obvious.

- He is the love of my life.
- Oh.

We met over a love of chocolate
in France and you're jealous.

You are a pretender
to the throne.

Not cool.

You know what, Daneel?

You're going to get caught.

Love your blouse.

I have one like it actually.

So anyway, my favorite ice cream
is butter pecan.

- What's yours?
- Butter pecan.

Oh, it is not!
It is not! It is not!

I've been thinking about it.

I think that
tonight's the night.

I think...
I think we should...

- do it.
- Do it?

We should do it.

- Tonight?
- Tonight.

But Pauline's in the room...

No, she's got that muffin guy.

She's not going to
come back for hours.

- Let's just do it.
- Do it.

Let's really just do it
and do it fast and good.

Do it fast and good.

Okay, I'm so glad you agree,
give me a kiss.

Mm.

You're hot.

Yeah, I'm in room 598.

- I like that shirt.
- Oh, thank you.

I made it at a two day sewing
event back in Blue Earth.

- You sew?
- Yeah, I do a lot of sewing.

Pattern work,
mostly pattern work.

I sew.

You are lying.

Electric cut on a bias.

You honestly sew?
Well, let me reintroduce myself.

- Lars.
- Yeah, Del.

That is wonderful.
That's wonderful.

You don't figure everybody's
into it, but you are.

- No, I like cookin'...
- Very nice.

Oh, God, forgive me,
I am not myself right now.

I have been put under pressure,
so to speak, to perform.

To perform.

To do something I have not
really ever done,

and I don't feel comfortable
at A-L-L.

I've never danced
this way before.

You're perfect.

Okay, break it up!

I'm sorry, excuse me,
I'm so sorry about that.

It's just that Muffin Man,

he's being a little
inappropriate.

Oh, no, it's okay,
it was consensual

because I had asked him
to dance.

Okay, you know what?

If Muffin Man is free
to dance all night he wants,

as long as
it's the Muffin Man dance,

the Muffin Man dance.
Let's see it.

Give me the Muffin Man dance.

There we go. There we go.

Okay, no hips together.

No...

I was having fun.

You are not
being paid to have fun!

Oh...

You know, you are dressed
perfectly for a place

that I think
you would really like.

Really?

Yeah, it's a bar/club
kind of thing.

Lots of good people there.

Is it going on now?

Oh, yeah, dancing, having fun.

- Better music than this.
- Okay, let's, um...

- Let's go.
- Yeah?

Yes, let's go anywhere
except here.

How did you...
you didn't make that?

- No. You'll love it.
- The Banana.

We've got to go in.

- All right.
- Go, go, go.

- I want to get you something.
- Fine, thank you.

- I'll be right back.
- I'll just look at the décor.

Well, look at the décor.

Really...

- The banana swings.
- Imagine that.

That is funny, isn't it?

A bar like this called Bananas.

I know you.

- Really?
- David Lord, hi.

- Hi.
- My name is Lars Hagerbakke.

Sharon Solfest is my fiancé.

- And she's in the thing?
- We are getting married

a little sooner
than I feel comfortable,

but yet we are getting married.

You're in a bar
called Bananas.

If I were speaking to my sister,
Pauline,

I would say it's 4:30,

and I'm wondering
where's my fiancé.

Where is he?

Where is he?

If I were speaking
to my sister, Sharon,

I'd say, "Sharon, shut up
and quit talking to me

- so I can go to sleep."
- You don't care.

- No.
- Lars is... probably in a ditch,

but it doesn't
really matter to you.

Sharon, he doesn't have a car.

You are not living up
to the words of our song.

Did you ever show
that you're my shero?

You are not everything
I would like...

You are not everything
that I would like to be.

I cannot fly higher
than an eagle

because you sit on my wings.

Zip it!

Oh, zip it.
Oh, that's nice.

Just work on your speech.

I'm going to put that
in the speech.

- Work on your speech, okay?
- "I want to thank my sister..."

Make sure it goes on
for at least half an hour,

because everyone's interested.

I know it's been said before,
but I think

I might just
say the whole, you know,

"You like me,
you really like me."

Dear Lord, help Sharon
to have peace in her heart

and to quit flapping her gums.

Dearest Lord in heaven,

will you please
help Pauline to, like,

get back to her old personality,

how she used to be before
she got so big headed?

Stuff her ponytail in her mouth.

You think Jesus gets involved
with stuff like that?

Be quiet! Be quiet! Be quiet!

They are nothing but...
gorgeous men, aren't there?

They are nothing
but just men dancing.

You don't come to a bar
called Bananas for ladies.

This is, um...

- Okay.
- Hey, I got you this.

Hey. We are, by the way,
in a, uh...

we are in a gay bar.

Put that behind your ear.
Let me see that.

You look like Dolores del Rio.

- You love her, don't you?
- Yeah, I do.

See, that's what I'm saying.
Probably love the Streisand.

I learned
my first Streisand

literally before I could speak.

- Right.
- Oh, my God.

Probably love Annie Get Her Gun.

Oh, God, get me...
I need something to drink.

Get this guy something
with an umbrella in it.

- I have something.
- Okay.

Doesn't that feel good?

- Yeah, it does.
- Sip of freedom, my friend.

Sip the freedom.

Feel the warmth of acceptance.

Let's dance, come on. Come on.

Before... before we do, may I?

Everyone, my name
is Lars Hagerbakke

and...

I too am a gay.

Oh, yeah.

My name is Lars Hagerbakke
from Blue Earth, Minnesota

and I too am a gay.

Sing it out, Louise!

You're not going to do this
every time, are you?

- What?
- The big speech and everything.

Oh. You got it.

Sharon. Sharon.

I lost my... the key.

How's the ditch?

- How's the ditch?
- I don't get it.

- Were you in a ditch?
- No, I was not at a ditch.

I was at... I was at a bar.

We...

Well, I hope you
had a good time!

I had a great time.

We've been waiting up
all night.

- We haven't gotten any sleep.
- I apologize.

I have something that I need
to share with both of you.

We don't even have time
for apologies,

so just know that I forgive you
because I'm a good Lutheran.

- Sharon?
- What?

I'm gay.

I know this is going to come
as a complete surprise

to both of you, but I am gay.

- No.
- Yes.

- No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

- No. No.
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, no.

Lars, gay is, like,
a choice, okay?

- Gay is, like a perm.
- Sh...

You can get a perm.
You cannot get a perm.

Gay is like slipping on
a comfortable sweater.

If it's a choice to slip on
a comfortable sweater,

yes, I just chose to put on

my very gay sweater
and it feels good.

Remember the story of the boy
and the Söcker Kaka

where we waited and waited
and waited?

That was sort of a mistake.

Okay, here comes those friends,
my salty old friends.

Here they come.

But you waited on...

You waited on something
that's never going to happen.

We really have to go.
Just change, okay?

You know what? I picked out
an outfit for you.

I have to swap out my hair.

This is not my competition hair.

All right, so just get dressed.
Let's go, let's go.

Sharon, I just want you to know
that no matter what happens,

I will seriously be there
for you always.

Yeah, Lars, because you're going
to be my husband,

so you'll be there.
We'll be in the same house.

Sharon, you're...
kind of in denial.

Lars, do you know
what denial is?

Denial's just a really negative
word for positive thinking.

No, in this case, denial is

you about to try and marry
a homosexual man.

There is a camp.
It's called Straight Ahead.

It's a place where you go
if you're confused

about you think you're gay.

You do craft projects,
fix your thinking...

Singing and macramé is going to
straighten someone out?

I don't think so.

Oh, this is crazy.
This is just crazy.

- Sharon.
- What?

I'm sorry.

If... Do you...
is it going to be weird

if I ask you
for the pink diamond?

Is that un... It's uncomf...
It is uncomfortable.

I'm going to go over here
for a second.

You don't go anywhere.

That... it is weird, isn't it?

I'll... later,
I should get it later.

All right, no,
it's not weird at all. Here.

And in fact, why don't you
get it cleaned for me

because it's covered
in chocolate pudding, okay?

I'll... I'll keep it.

I, um, I have a pie to make.

I have a million dollars to win,
so I've got to go.

Pauline, let's just go.

I'm rooting for you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

It's time to announce
the seven finalists.

Number one category,

in bright and early
breakfast treats,

the winner is Hot and Tasty
Meltameeta Stuffed Biscuits,

Ladybug Briggs,
Atlanta, Georgia.

- Smells like biscuits!
- Hell, yes!

Circle into
the ring of fire, Ladybug!

- Mama, you got this!
- There she comes.

In the first category,
the luscious pies and cakes,

the winner is,

Easy One Cupboard
Death By Chocolate Pie,

Sharon Solfest,
Blue Earth, Minnesota.

Sharon, step into
the ring of fire.

Sharon,
you're the best!

We love you the best!

Way to go, Sharon.

In... Congratulations, there.

Whoa!

In scrumptious salads and
side dishes, the winner is...

Whoa! What are you doing?

Let me help you.

There's no way to get in there.

I think there's a little confusion
as to how to get

into the ring of fire,

and I think that causes
some to be embarrassed.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

We talked this morning
about this.

There has to be a way
to get into the ring of fire.

We still haven't
found out a way

to get into that fire...

ring of fire.

They need a way
to get into the ring!

I know I said it's a ring.

Well, so, get
somebody down here.

Off you go, okay?

And in munchable baked delights,

the winner is Chocolate
Coco-Nutty Cream Bars,

Del Crawford, Tama, Iowa. Del!

You did it.

He did it. He's a finalist.

Jennifer Watson...

Step into that ring of fire,
Jennifer!

The last finalist is
the very veggie vegetables,

is Pauline's Corn,

Pauline Solfest,
Blue Earth, Minnesota.

This is
really exciting,

and now
it's a real blood match.

Ladies and gentlemen,

two sisters competing for
the one-million-dollar prize.

...how we can get
into the ring of fire.

Congratulations
to all the winners.

Good job, Del!

I bet your mama's proud.

She's dead, but my dad
is probably proud.

Very proud.

I'm sorry about your mother.

We have
our contestants here,

just waiting to begin.

Um, our final leg
of the one-million-dollar

Van Ruckle Farms Cook-off,

and I think any second now,

the contestants
are about to begin.

Grand prize finalists
in the ring of fire,

start your ovens.

- Has anybody approached you?
- For what, honey?

To win the million dollars,
like split it with you,

- anything like that?
- Oh.

I mean, not to put too fine
a point on it.

No, but I wonder,
is it too late for me

to approach somebody?

Do you feel sorry for anybody?

Is there somebody
you would vote for

because you feel sorry
for them?

In the black leather outfit

is weeping into
a large mixing bowl.

Sharon.

Sharon. Sharon?

Sharon, I love you.
I'm sorry we weren't talking.

Come on. Come on.

- You're my best friend.
- You're my best friend, too.

Come on. Come on.

You are my shero.

You're everything I want...

Honey, I'm going to do
what they do

on the TV programs.

You know, where they put
the people out on the island

and you have to get voted off.

I'm going to do what they call

stay under the radar.

Well, you know,
her boyfriend, he's a real...

he's different, okay?
He's a real different guy.

Listen to me.

I'm gonna grab your arm
real strong like,

and I'm going to say
listen here!

You've got cooking to do!

You ain't got no time
to be worrying about

what your man does,

say he want to go mess around
with another man.

You've got to pull
this thing together here.

Don't let no mans
pull you down.

- Okay.
- You understand what I'm...

- You're totally right.
- Stop crying and get to bakin'.

Sharon, she's right.
Get to bakin'.

Compartmentalize.

Bake!

Come on, go.

No, I'm doing it.

I'm doing it just like you said.

Yeah, 'cause I can do
what I want.

That's right,
with whatever you...

what are you looking at?

You want to
mind your own business?

Well, look, your recipe
isn't the Bible, okay?

No, it's not your business.

No, I did that.

Hi.

Look, if it doesn't win,

I'm gonna
burn your house down.

My grandfather.

You better watch your Ps and Qs.

Something smells like poop
in this ring of fire.

And I'm standing
right next to it, okay?

Uh...

You're leaking.

What?

You're leaking. You've got fluid
coming out of ya.

You peeing in the ring of fire?

I'm not peeing
in the ring of fire

and I'm not leaking, idiot.

- What is it then? It's like...
- It's just a little spillage

of some special ingredients
that I use.

Coming out of your hoo-ha?

When are you going to
tell someone

that you're in labor?

That was a leg cramp.

Come over here.

Breathe. Breathe through it.

How are things?

Good.

You're kind of a laconic guy,
aren't you?

You're one of...
you're the only man in here.

How's it feel?

Um, they didn't tell me
I'd be the only man.

Do me a favor. Please,
please don't tell anybody.

- Pauline, I love you.
- I love you.

This smoke in the ring of fire

is just not working for me.

I'm sorry, I'm not cooking
hickory chicken here.

No, I'm not bruising
the coconut.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the final countdown.

Ten, nine,

eight, seven, six...

five, four, three,

two, one.
Time is up! Oven's off!

Thank you very much,

ladies and gentleman.

There, the lights go up.

It's over and I will be

bringing you live,
the million-dollar winner

- as soon as new know about it.
- Final judging!

How are you feeling?

Good.
I'm feeling very, very good.

There goes the Hot and Tasty
Meltameeta Stuffed Biscuits

and how are you feeling,
Ladybug?

It's all up to God now.

To the point.
That's what it is.

Breakfast is
the stuffed biscuits

and by Ladybug Briggs,

Atlanta, Georgia. It is...

Ladybug Briggs,
she has a gold tooth.

This is the dish that's causing
a lot of buzz here.

Any, uh, mention there
of a nail?

Let me ask Ladybug Briggs.

Oh, that's one of her nails.

Try to get one.

Maybe there's a false eyelash
in there somewhere.

I don't know,
maybe someone's purse.

Who knows.

I've been very moved
by these women

and that one crazy guy
who came here

and cooked their hearts
and souls out

with these peculiar,
peculiar dishes.

Well...

But we have to
absolutely vote for...

Choose a winner.

that tastes the best.

- That does not taste the best.
- To me it tastes great.

Well, you know,
taste is subjective.

It sounds like you're kind of
pushing us towards this.

- No.
- For nefarious reasons.

I think it's
drawing us toward it.

Nefarious.

And apparently somebody
really likes it.

- Morty likes it.
- Morty's not a judge.

Subject to us.

We need access
to the jumbotron.

We want to put that tape...

you know that tape
I'm talking about?

- This is fixed.
- Absolutely, not.

I smell a rat.

- And I, I'll alert the media.
- Let me just tell you,

the Federated Groceries
and Van Rookle Farms

really need to shore up
their support

in the urban ethnic communities,

and for me,
what better way to do it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'll go to the media, I mean it.

My next door neighbor's cousin
is on The View.

Okay, okay, which one
are you voting for?

We now come to the climax

of the Van Rookle
Farms Cook-off.

On that silver tray is
the one-million-dollar recipe.

So, without further ado,

the winner and the entry
that gets to run away

with one million dollars
of Morty Van Pookle's money

is...

Del Crawford for his

Chocolate Coco-Nutty
Dream Bars recipe.

- Del Crawford.
- I won! I won!

I won!

Justice! Justice! Justice!

Ladies and gentleman,

I promised you a story.
This is a story and a half,

you are not
going to believe this.

Just watch and learn.

I used to run one...

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

This isn't my thing.
I mean, I don't bake.

I don't like baked goods.

I don't like...
I like chocolate.

What is this?
What is this?

...the gay bar?

I've got to lower the phone,
I thought I blew it...

I just want to hold
that really big check.

That man's a cheater!

- No, I mean I really do.
- What?

He cheated my mama
out of a million dollars!

Turn off the jumbotron!

That ain't going down like that!

Please calm down!
I need...

Get out! Get out!

There's been cheating at
the Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

It has never happened
in the history of...

We will prepare a statement.

Nothing to worry about,
people.

Just get everybody out
and that means you.

I have credentials!

Security guards on every door.

I want everybody out.

Excuse me, I need you out...
I need you outside.

A leopard does not
change its spots.

- Where's the...
- He just ran out!

Oh, yeah.

At this time, I'm going to
need everybody

to disperse from this area.

I am bringing to you live

here from the Van Rookle
Farms Cook-off

what may well be
the very first incident

of cheating ever
at the cook-off.

Well, it seems that three time
finalist, Daneel Kuhar,

has put in her fiancé,
Del Crawford, in her place,

calling him from the audience

in order to prompt him
on his recipe

in order to win
the one million dollars,

a clear infraction of the Van
Rookle Farms Cook-off rules.

Hey, honey. Just checking in.

- How are you doing?
- Hi, honey.

It sounds like you're in pain.
What's going on?

- The baby's coming, isn't he?
- Shut up. I haven't... sh!

I honestly need to speak
with my ex-fiancé, Sharon.

Though I no longer feel
that way about women,

we still have
a very special connection.

I understand, sir, and I
celebrate your lifestyle,

but no one
is going inside this room!

The area is sealed,
code black!

Make way for the muffin.
Make way for the muffin.

That is it! Just the muffin.
Just the muffin!

You're not a muffin...

All right, lady,
you're coming with me.

You know, but I don't think
now's the time.

- Sweetheart, come with me.
- No, no, I've seen you look.

Oh, God!

- I'm sure you're very good.
- Honey, it's me. It's me.

All right, just understand
that I have my orders.

...from Mr. Whims himself!

Everybody, just please,
if you could just,

if we could just
have your patience.

We're in a lockdown.

Anyone who is not
a final contestant

needs to wait here.

Did you hear that?
We're in a lockdown.

I have been authorized
to use pepper force on you!

Everybody just take
one giant step back.

Don't make me pull out
my feng shui on you, man.

- Whoa, okay.
- I'll go yin-yang on you, bro.

I am unsheathing
my pepper spray!

I don't know
if you can see this here,

but they're
bringing in a stretcher.

Clear a path, please?

No one may go in!
No one is allowed!

That is not how it works
in my conference room.

Just calm down.

I am calm.
You remain calm!

There's a 911 call, there's
a woman in labor in there.

Okay, okay, just him.

How come y'all ain't
called the police

on the white dude!

My mama's in there man!

Your mother's been...

I'll go straight
Kung Pao chicken on you man!

Man, they're
freaks about security.

These Van Rookle people
are nut balls,

I'm not kidding ya.

- Did you let the paramedics in?
- The Muffin Man authorized it.

This is the Muffin Man!

I didn't recognize him
without his suit.

My mama's in there,
she don't need to see that.

My mama's in there!

- The competition's over.
- Ma'am.

- Ma'am, what's wrong?
- Are you...

- Do you know Lamaze?
- Yeah, I've had three.

Do your breathing.

Hi, I'm Timothy Whims.

- Hi...
- What's your name?

Uh, I'm the Muffin Man.

Okay, actually,
no, you're not

and we'd appreciate it
if you'd take off our mascot.

Now... please.

I can't take it off.
My wife's having a baby.

Pauline.
Pauline, hi.

Uh, could you get the apron,
please, Pauline?

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh...

- It's good to see you again.
- Put that on. Put that on.

Who are you?

Who...
I'm the Muffin Man.

You don't... yeah.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Without my suit.

- No.
- It's what I look like.

Why don't you have your suit on?

Well, I sold it.

We're in a lockdown,
so I'm going to need all of you

to leave ASAP,
and if you want to go too,

you can go but you forfeit
your eligibility.

You know what, guys...

Sure.
They are dividing our families.

There are more of us
than there are of them.

So now you're listening to him
stirring up the crowd.

We've seen muffins go by,
we've seen naked men go by.

I think you're wonderful
and... I hope you win.

Are you saying that to me
because if I win,

you're gonna want my money
or something?

No. No.

I want drugs.

Honey, I'm gonna get
a vasectomy.

You said vasectomy, didn't ya?

- Okay.
- I don't mean to be too forward.

I think you're as beautiful as
the whole state of Minnesota.

Never in my life

has anyone ever said anything
to me that way.

Step aside and open that door.

- I'm rooting for you.
- Thanks.

Anybody hurts themselves,
I am a lawyer.

Please, please,

will you hold it down,
ladies and gentlemen?

I've never seen anything
like this in my whole life.

I don't get paid enough money
for this!

Hold it down. Hold it down!

From the Nosh Network,

I think finally
we are going to hear

who the final, final winner

of the Van Rookle
Farms Cook-off is,

after much Sturm und Drang,
after much emotion.

The judges and contestants
are filing in,

we're finally gonna hear

who wins
the million-dollar prize.

Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen...

The judges have decided
in their infinite wisdom

and their desire
to avoid a lawsuit,

that the winner
of the Van Rookle Farm's

one-million-dollar cook-off

is Pauline Solfest
for Pauline's corn.

Oh, hell, no!

- Oh, yes!
- I won!

Oh, my God...

Oh, I feel like I'm dreaming.

Oh, my God. You guys are
all looking at me right now.

I don't know what to say...
I didn't prepare anything...

Oh, my God.

This is America.

Anything can happen,
anyone can make it,

and this is a young woman's
dream come true.

You know, corn...
is amazing.

Corn, it is good,
it is sweet, you know.

Corn is good, and I love corn.

What's that? Oh.

Thank you so much.

I wouldn't have realized
this life

if it wasn't for my supportive
sister, Pauline.

You have decided to
let me in the limelight.

This is where I've been able
to truly shine.

If it wasn't for her,

I wouldn't have had...
the confidence

to apply for the
Van Rookle Farms Cook-off.

Thank you, judges,
and thank you, Sharon.

Aw.

I love America.

Thank you.
I love you, too.

Good evening,

and welcome to The
Christine Merriweather Report.

Six months after
the Van Rookle Farms scandal,

where are they now?

We'll take you inside the lives
of the contestants,

judges, and the Van Rookle
employees,

in the aftermath
of the only cook-off

in the history of this country,

to spark a full
Senate investigation.

This is a story
you do not want to miss.

Stay tuned.

And we caught those cheaters.

We did. We caught 'em.

We put 'em...
we put 'em in jail.

The Kuhar woman,
we got her...

tax fraud
for cheating the contest.

You know she had that
boyfriend, we got him, too.

He's in the big house now.

We got him
on grand theft motorcycle.

Not as big a charge,

but it's still substantial
in my book.

It's been a dream of mine

to have a really big check
in my hands.

Not so much the amount,

but the size of it,
for a real long, long time,

since I was a kid, you know,
and saw that on TV.

I was like, "Man,
I hope I get to hold

a really big check some day."

I would say to the people
at Van Rookle Farms,

make sure that
the checks are small,

again not the amount,

the size of the actual...
the literal size of the check.

I would say to the young people
of this country,

stay away from baked goods,
they're fattening.

And I would also say

open yourself up to all kinds
of experiences.

Kill somebody, you know.

I'm philosophical about it.

Uh...

I get laid more in here.

I don't think I've ever
fully recovered

from not winning.

Now Thaddeus seems to think

that there's some kind of way

I can still
collect some earnings.

Thaddeus blew it for you, mama.

Mama, it is not your fault
at all.

It's the fault of certain
Korean businesses

like the Nail Pretty Heaven
Salon,

that are cutting corners
with their... their materials.

They stopped using good glue
down there at that place.

That's what I'm talking about.

These Korean people cut corners.

Easy. You shouldn't be
bothering the Koreans.

They have suffered enough
with Vietnam and all that.

They don't need this.

Well, they come over here
to this boy's church,

yelling and had signs
and everything.

Which has caused my mother
to lose a million dollars.

So we have filed a suit to make
them pay for their negligence.

Now this is just them
getting some steam off.

It's nothing serious,
nothing to worry about.

You need to go out there.
It's your Ho.

Don't call my girlfriend a ho.

That's her name, isn't it? Ho?

Well, it's Ho Lyn Lee Winn.

I'm going to go out there.

No, I'm gonna go out there!

No, you ain't going out there!

Those people probably go knives!
Mama, please!

Ow! Ow!

After the competition,
I... did not have a meltdown.

I know that that is
the rumor that you heard,

but I had an awakening.

This incredible voice
came out... of me.

You know, it was like a...

I just knew that there were
a lot of people out there

that hated their mother,

and if I could just, like,
reach out to,

like, that 13-year-old girl who,
you know,

wants her mother to be
hit... in the head,

you know, with a hammer.

So I thought, "Yeah,
Victoria's Secretions."

She's apparently gone into

some sort of a music career,

but she never had any...
I tried to.

I gave her piano lessons
but we had to cut that off

when she was in second grade.

She, um, she bit the piano.

We don't speak.
We have not spoken.

Present the house.

Military turn.

Larry and I found Sandra.
She's been fine.

She was a little mouthy
at first.

She has a little bit
of an attitude,

but we're working on that,
aren't we?

When I stopped talking,
there was always silence,

and now with Sandra,

sometimes she talks,
and I don't like that.

We didn't win the cook-off,
but I think we did even better

because one of the products

that Patty came up with

is a vitamin pill
that's just doing great.

Give it back!

And because of
this bundle of joy,

we're not going to have
any more bundles of joy.

I got... I got a vasectomy.
Had it snipped.

And the vasectomy wasn't
as bad as I thought

it was going to be.

In and out, snip and done.

Is that like
when dogs get neutered?

Yes.

Welcome, everyone, to the Blue
Earth Gay and Lesbian Center,

uh, also my shop.

I'm trying right now to work up
something called Gay Day,

and that consists
of gay performers,

gay farm animals for the kids
to come and pet.

So we need to
get those guys in here.

Let the kids rub something gay
and know it's okay to be gay.

I think no one deserved to win
more than Pauline Solfest

except for Sharon Solfest.

Look, I'm glad it's
in the Solfest family,

make no mistake about that,

though it was my destiny
for me to be saying,

"I won the..." you know,

but, um,
it didn't work out that way

'cause somebody interfered
with my destiny,

and that person
was Lars Hagerbakke

and everybody knows that.

No one, no one knew
Lars Hagerbakke was gay, okay?

Nobody knew. He wasn't gay.

You know what, Sharon.

You could argue
that it was my destiny

because that's why
all the dominos fell.

- It's all good.
- She's not happy about it.

And then... and then we started
Naughty Nibbles,

which is an erotic cake bakery.

- Hang on, Sexy Sisters'
- Sexy Sisters' Naughty Nibbles,

- Naughty Nibbles.
- Right.

because if there is one thing
that I have learned

from winning
this million dollars,

it's that I am one sexy gal.

She's sexy.
We were in Peepa Magazine.

We were so sexy in that spread.

I'm here to tell you what,
we were the sexy sisters.

- That's not bragging.
- That's not bragging.

That's no brag...

We're speaking the truth.

So it's been six months,
and I've moved to Blue Earth

to be with Pauline,
and it is going great.

And my career has taken off.

I've really taken it in
a totally different direction.

Um, now I am
Mr. Cookie Head Man,

and you can see my face,

which is what after

being in that muffin costume
for so long,

what I realized
is a lot of acting

has to do with
seeing your face.

It's just a lot more fun.

That's seen some...
some good times.

- Wild times.
- It's been...

Febreezed a couple of times.

- I love her.
- I love you.

I love you.

- She's my sister.
- And you know what?

She stood by me
in my darkest hour.

- I'll never forget that.
- Always.

And I am grateful.

I expected to be the one
that has to sleep in the,

you know, the thing.
But I'll do it.

This is supposed to be
our romantic getaway

and so it's probably better
that we...

There's the problem,

the R word, the romance.

For what I feel for you,

I do not want to be
in that bed with you

with your sister in the room.

Why?

I would make love to you
so vigorously and fast

that that would be
embarrassing for me.

Well, that would be
embarrassing.

It's because honey,
if I'm on this bed with you,

there will be nothing but
knocking around and sweating.

Do you know there's a saying,
spooning leads to swooning,

and that leads to something
you don't want.

There's a little boy,
a very small boy,

and his mother's
making Söcker Kaka.

He's putting in the sugar
and he tries to eat the sugar

and the mother says,

"It's better to wait,
better to wait."

Put in the flour,
"it's better to wait."

The Söcker Kaka is ready
and when we wait,

it practically melts
in his mouth.

And that's what I want it
to be like for us.

When we do make love,

I literally want to
melt in her mouth.

Well, then you know what,
I hear what you're saying

and I take the lesson
of the Söcker Kaka

and I want you
to melt in my mouth...

- Absolutely.
- as much as you do.

So, I'll just put the bed
up against the window

and leave a big path in case
there's a fire or something.

Well,
I am concerned about fire.

This is about me trying to
protect myself from you.

In Africa, the men used to
build cages around themselves

from what I've read,

to separate themselves
from the women.

This is like an African cage
I'm going to build around myself

and you might wake up
and find me strapped to it,

to keep myself from you,
because once I make love to you,

and I'm telling you this now,

and this is a promise
for our wedding night,

it will be so vigorous
and so fast

and harsh and loving,

that you are not going to want
to do it again for a long time.

Let's save that
kind of double fever.

Listen to you.
He's full of beans.

I just want to be in an American
hotel room with my fiancé,

but you want to be
an African cage,

okay that's fine.

I think if everyone
had a donut we'd calm down.

Everything is sexual
to me right now.

That hole in that donut
is sexual.

Oh, stop it.

I'm just saying if I wind up
in bed beside you,

there is going to be
a lot of noise

and action
and sweating going on.

You're doing something
they call tempting the fates.

That's a dangerous step.

I'll tell you what. Uh...

You know, maybe get a...
you know,

- we could get a running start.
- Pauline,

if you would like to
watch us make love right now,

- you may as well watch.
- Oh no, thank you.

You may as well watch, because
this is what's going to happen.

Oh, God.

Can you imagine?
You know what I have for you.

You know what's built up
over four years.

The second the finger
is pulled out of that dyke,

there's going to be
a lot of liquid flowing.

Let's not do that
in front of your sister.

- Well, I just...
- Please don't do that

- in front of your sister.
- Okay but you know,

I have to say, I just,

I think that I can hold back
the dyke personally.

I'm not angry. I'm not angry,

I'm just saying...

I'm just saying
and I am not angry,

if I am on this bed
and she is on this bed,

I am going to
make love to her so fast

and hard and furious
that you don't want to be here.