Original subtitles

The bat is now contained, but still very much alive.

Human movement and noise tends to agitate the animal.

It will not bite the skin,

but it will aggressively attack the eyes.

So please do not use the bathroom beside room number...

All right, everybody, get out your lunches.

Quickly. Come on. Let's go. My local bagel shop

decided to take the morning off, so I'm starving.

Come on. I need to see what Mommy packed.

- Feelin' a little hangry, huh? - No, no, no, no, no.

That is such an annoying word. Don't... don't do that.

Now, get back of the class, Marcus.

- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.

Go, now.

Just, I can't...

I can't do it with you today, man.

Too hungry.

Naw, that's not gonna work. Turn your desk around.

I can't look at your face. I just can't.

"Hangry" means horny and angry.

Basically, you're so horny that you're angry.

All right, that's still not working for me.

See that leak right there?

Try and get ya under that leak.

All right? Get your body under that leak.

Not the desk. Your body.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! That's perfect.

There we go. Now...

if none of you are willing to share your snacks with me...

then I'm off to the vending machine

For a little dose of C-13:

Cape Cod Salt and Vinegar potato chips.

Have you guys had 'em? Yum!

Oh, and if Marcus moves,

you all get detention.

One, two, three, four!

Unsweetened Fruit Leather?

That's not what C-13 is.

Hey, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.

Come here, man. Hey,

What the hell's going on around here?

Oh, well, um... between us,

a moth laid eggs

in the auditorium curtain. Now, they hatched...

- Mm-hmm. - Now there's moths in the air.

What loves moths? Bats... all right?

And I mean bats... plural.

I don't care. That's not what I'm talking about.

Where are my chips? What is this?

Oh! The student council is responsible

for what goes in the snack machine,

and they're doing this really cool thing right now

called Healthy Habits.

Okay, tell me, what's your day lookin' like?

- Pretty light? - Puhh. Very busy.

Okay. Gonna need you to shuffle some things around,

make getting my chips back your number one.

No, Jack. You do not wanna get involved

with the student council. 'Kay? I-i-it's the most

toxically ambitious group of students

all together in one room.

Come on, Ralph, you're telling me

you're gonna be intimidated by a group

of overachieving virgins?

Yes.

_

All right.

Ah, good. Grace! Hi.

Just the person I wanted to speak to. Hey.

I'm gonna need you to get my salt and vinegar chips

back in the vending machines.

Oh. I'm just the secretary.

I take notes. I count votes during elections.

If you wanna change a policy,

you need to talk to the president.

Ugh. All right, fine.

Who's the president?

You may take your seats.

Let's get this baby started.

You gotta be kidding me.

- Tssss. - Mr. Griffin,

you are more than welcome to take a seat in the back.

That's cute. Why don't we skip to the part

where I get what I want... Namely chips...

Back in the vending machines?

Hmm. Well, unfortunately,

we do have a little bit of an agenda.

First up on the list is the discussion

of our new rooftop garden...

which I can confirm will be generously sponsored

by Kasperak Motors.

Turns out, I had a connection.

It's a joke. They're my parents.

You guys actually listen to him?

Hey, I have a mandate from the student body.

I was elected in a landslide over Scottie Deeks.

- And he plays football. - Yeah, well, I'm guessing

Scottie Deeks sucks pretty hard.

All right, talk about your stupid garden.

- Go. Hurry. - Thank you.

Now, on to the selection of vegetables.

And you know what? I think we should vote on them

one by one, alphabetically.

Starting with alfalfa.

- All in favor. - Aye.

Wow. Unanimous for alfalfa.

Absolutely wonderful. Next up will be...

buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

You know what? I... completely lost my place.

Grace, can you read back the alfalfa results, please?

No. Hold on a second. Chips. Okay?

Why don't we do chips, all right?

I'm an adult, and I want chips,

- so I get chips. - Oh, my G...

Oh, I know what's going on here.

- This isn't about chips at all. - What?

Fired from Harvard, stuck in Toledo,

and these chips are just one more thing you can't control.

- All agreed? - Aye.

- Don't vote on that! - Let's put an end to this

right now. All in favor of restoring

Salt and vinegar chips to the vending machine...

Victor.

Wow. Motion denied.

Sorry, Mr. Griffin.

Okay.

Yeah, all right.

Bye!

Now, you would agree that looking good

also helps with feeling good?

- I suppose. - And you would also agree

that more radiant skin

is preferable to less radiant skin.

That's hard to argue with.

Then we agree! Now,

you are trying the shimmering

skin perfector.

Mmm. Look at those undertones. All right?

Now, that is peaches and cream!

Okay? Oh! And is that the hand

of a teenage supermodel?

Seems kinda young to be a supermodel.

Look at that. Mm-mm. So I'm gonna suggest

a six-month supply of the perfector, okay?

Along with the stain and the concealer

and the rejuvenating serum.

Sounds good?

- Yeah. - Yes.

Yes. Ooh! Hold that thought,

because pale Jennifer is a gold mine.

I'll just need your orders by the end of the week.

Jennifer, hold on a minute!

- Jennifer! - Why is it so terrifying

to say no to her? Every time Stef

gets a new side hustle, we end up spending money.

And you know I'm trying to save up for that houseboat.

We have to stand up to her.

I've not cut a single penny in half

with those scissors she sold me.

That's just not a need I have.

Okay. Everyone shut up immediately!

Today we're starting a new revenge mission.

Our target...

boom.

- Oy vey. - Out!

Go to the principal's office right now.

You, too, you sycophantic minions.

But we... we didn't do anything.

Oh, you didn't do anything?

I think ya did. Ha ha ha.

Think you did, yeah.

Yeah, hey, Durbin. I gotta send three kids

to your office right now.

Why? They were kissing each other.

Yeah! All three of 'em were just sitting here

doing kissing right here in the middle of the classroom.

It was crazy. I couldn't believe it.

Anyway, it was gross. Here they come.

Out!

Yep.

Have fun explaining that.

He must have struck out last night.

He's hangry as hell.

Now, as you may have heard,

Marcus refuses to bring back my chips.

So our mission is to replace Marcus Kasperak

as student council president.

Can't you just buy chips at the store?

Well, it's not about chips anymore, Sarika.

This is about principle, okay?

And it is a little bit about the chips.

I do love chips, you know? It's about 60... 40,

principle to chips at this point for me.

- I get it. - Yeah. Heather gets it.

Thank you, Heather. So I read the student council bylaws.

We only need 200 signatures to recall Marcus

and replace him with a new candidate.

So today we're gonna be choosing that new candidate.

This seems like an overreaction.

All right, well, Sarika's eliminated.

So I wanna hear you guys pitch yourselves,

campaign-style. Anthony, you start.

If I was president,

I'd make all the dances at Prom slow dances.

If I'm paying 20 bucks, I wanna feel a body.

There ya go. Good point.

Okay, who's next? Colin.

I don't know if I'm the right choice.

There's a pretty damning video out there

of me blowing out another kid's birthday candles.

- I got excited. - 'Kay.

Anybody else have any skeletons in their closet?

I shoplift magazines to feel alive.

Getting caught's the fun part.

You know what? Look, Why don't we

skip past this and just move on to the person

with the most charisma.

- Dan Decker, you in? - Yeah.

I mean, I actually did student council

back I Florida, so I'd love to...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... yeah, okay.

Don't ruin it. All right. Uh, guys...

Dan Decker's our candidate.

Let's go out and let's get those signatures, okay?

Pass those down. I want you to be subtle.

But I want you to be efficient.

With each passing minute, my chips get staler and staler.

And, o-of course, sexuality can be...

expressed in so many different forms

and permutations.

I mean, David Bowie...

- You got a minute? - Absolutely! Yes.

Okay. I'm gonna let you guys off with a warning.

So, uh, thank you.

Okay. Yes, it's true.

Some of the bats have gotten into some of the vents.

What? Eew. No.

We need to talk about Stef.

Whassup, dirty Durb?

Look, there is a rule

against soliciting on school grounds.

Wha... Are you kidding me?

Are you guys hearing this nonsense?

I am, and I'm shocked by it.

Screw you, Durbin.

Well, it is a rule,

and I'm gonna have to

ask you to stop.

Mm-hmm. Durbs, um, you would agree that,

as a teacher, I don't make a lot of money.

No. Not nearly what you deserve.

Mm-hmm. And you would agree that

I should be able to retire one day?

Or would you prefer that I die working?

No. I want you to die somewhere fun.

Then we're agreed. You know what?

I'm so glad

you're on my side with this one.

You're one of the good ones, dirty, okay?

Oh, and ladies, don't forget those orders.

Yeah.

Thought this was supposed to be a rooftop garden.

Apparently, the weight of the soil

would have made the gym roof collapse.

We almost killed a lot of people...

Victor. Mulch.

I gotta mulch.

Hey, Jack.

You know, I saw the most curious thing yesterday...

Dan Decker chatting up the Spanish Club.

At first, I was... very confused.

And then I realized what he was doing.

Courting the Latino vote.

I think that club's mostly white kids.

Victor, shut up!

Anyway, I passed an emergency resolution.

To replace the president, it now requires 10,000 signatures.

Sorry, Jack.

Mark my words, you soulless taint.

I will take you down. You'll be out of office

before you see a single precious tomato grow.

Or sooner. Depending on how long it takes

tomatoes to grow.

Well, depends on the size and the soil.

By the way, we had to find a place

for some gardening supplies.

Might make parking a little bit of a mess.

See ya, Jack.

Marcus!

_

It's over, Dan. Marcus sniffed you out.

Pulled some midnight procedural bullcrap.

And I was left bribing some homeless guy to move his fort

so I could park in the street.

- His fort? - Yeah, his house, his tent.

What... what do you want from me? Look, time to move to plan B.

Where can I buy some cocaine to plant in Marcus's locker?

- Don't lie. - Okay, this whole thing

seems like an insane overreaction

to missing out on some salt and vinegar chips.

This has moved far beyond chips, okay?

- This is personal! - So you don't care

- about the chips. - A little, Dan! Okay?

I care about the chips a little.

It's about 90-10, Marcus-chips.

Oh, there you are. Hey.

- Did you park out front? - Yeah.

It's street cleaning. They just towed your car.

They towed my ca...

Ohh... okay. Student council's outta control.

- You gotta do something! - No, no, no.

I told you, I don't want no part of this, all right?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Is that Scottie Deeks?

That's the kid Marcus beat for Student Council President?

Scottie? Yeah. That kid rocks.

This school makes no sense.

- Hello? - Is this

- Jack Griffin? - Yeah. Who's this?

Marcus's election. It was rigged.

Why are you telling me this?

- And why are you singing? - It's an Auto-Tune app.

Marcus has to be stopped.

Just follow the car.

Follow the car? Wh-what does that mean?

- Who is this? - Get your dang gym clothes on!

You're not skippin' soccer again!

But my stomach is cramping.

You are not on your period. That only works for girls!

Follow the car!

Follow the car?

Follow the car.

Follow the car.

Follow the...

Hey, Michelle.

I like the quiet.

All right.

Hey, Grace.

Ha ha. Hey, quick question.

Uh... you wanna tell me how you got this car?

Uh...

The garden has been planted.

And what grows?

My legacy.

All right, everybody.

Quiet down, and all eyes on me.

You know what, Mr. Griffin, I have to say,

these interruptions are getting a little bit ridiculous.

Yeah. You know what I think is ridiculous?

The fact that anybody thought

you could beat dreamboat Scottie Deeks

in a popularity contest.

You see, Marcus knew

he was gonna lose the election,

so he had his parents bribe the vote counter...

My girl Grace here...

With a brand-new car from the family dealership.

Isn't that right?

And what did Grace do? Well...

Grace, being a good little soldier...

she fixed the election votes.

Here is Grace's tally of the actual votes.

Marcus didn't just lose.

Man... he got absolutely crushed!

We got a whopping 426 votes

for Scottie Deeks.

Wow. We got a concerning 32 votes

for murderer Robert Durst.

I don't know what that was all about.

And a very sad and pathetic 19 votes for Marcus.

Whoopsie-daisies!

I didn't win?

Grace, is that true?

Ah...

Um, effective immediately,

I am retiring from...

public service, so...

I'll see some of you in chemistry.

Oh, no! Oh, I... Oh, no, I thought he knew!

I thought the whole...

I thought he knew!

You know,

I-I have been told that sometimes I...

overreact.

_

- Beautiful house. - Oh, thank you.

I appreciate you letting me come over

and speak to... I, uh...

guess I owned your son pretty hard today.

Please. I'm so ashamed of what we've done.

Yeah. It was... pretty psychotic.

And was it worth it? To get our little

superstar elected high school president? Ha.

- Probably. - Hmm.

Kinda seems like you're not that ashamed.

- I'm gonna go talk to him. - Please.

Could you do me one huge favor?

Tell him he won the election.

I'm not doing that.

No?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Whoa! Hey, uh...

mind tossing this shirt on?

Getting a pretty wicked glare off your back there, bud.

Uh...

Listen, we... we mighta let this situation

get a little outta hand, you know.

Blame shared equally, of course.

Maybe... 70-30, you. I mean...

let's be honest.

You, uh... wanna talk about it?

When I won the election, I just thought

people were finally starting to like me.

I don't want you to tell me that people actually do like me

or that none of this matters 'cause it's just high school

- or anything like that. - Oh, no, no, no, it matters.

It matters. It's a serious problem for you.

You get in people's business,

tell 'em what they're doing wrong.

It's just no good. Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

Come on, you gotta think more about how you come off.

But, look, it's not entirely your fault.

I mean, you've clearly been sheltered

by adoring parents, you know?

Normally, this sort of obnoxiousness

would have been wedgied or swirlied out of you.

Who's been bullying you?

Nobody.

Huh. Well, you know,

if it helps, I could... I could bully you.

You know, nothing physical.

Just... burns, barbs, you know.

Light verbal stuff.

Isn't that what you already do?

Largely, yes, but in this particular case,

the intention would be slightly more noble.

Yeah.

That'd be nice.

All right.

I don't do that.

Okay.

- Ow. It's hurting! - Really scratch it.

- I know, hurry, hurry. - Here she comes!

So...

you beauties ready to

- finalize your orders? - Yep.

I got my list right here.

Whoa! Isn't this rash right where you tried

- Stef's make-up? - Ooh...

- Oh, my God! - I have one too!

Oh, no, I guess we can't buy

any of your makeup anymore ever! I'm so sad!

- Hey, hey, no, no, no. - Don't be sad.

Not when you can buy this amazing concealer

that will cover that right up.

Damn it, Stef! These are obviously fake rashes.

We were trying to get out of buying your make up.

- What? - Oh, no.

I think mine's turning real.

Listen, girl, we wanna support you,

but we all make the same amount of money.

I've been wearing the same monthly contacts

for the past two years.

I guess we were just worried that if we said no,

you were gonna get really mad at us.

Well, I'm not mad. I'm just sad

that you feel like you couldn't be honest.

Look... I don't know,

I thought this would be a good way

to make some extra dough.

And I really did think it looked good.

No, no, no, it did look good.

I don't know, I guess I just...

feel like a smoother complexion

can sometimes have both personal

and professional benefits.

Yep! I'm back in.

No! Stef, damn! You're relentless!

Okay. I'm sorry.

I guess I just gotta find out what to do with

$300 worth of beauty products.

Hmm...

Long story short, the bats have been trapped

with only one confirmed bite.

So get well soon, Mrs. Denunzio.

Talk about handsome!

The contouring's incredible.

He honestly looks insane.

Books back up on the shelves.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Lastly, I'd like to congratulate

the awesome Scottie Deeks

as our new Student Council President.

And... Oh, disgraced former president Marcus Kasperak

has accepted the position of parliamentarian,

so... beware, recalcitrant legislators.

Seems like an unnecessary position.

But congrats.

I'm actually excited, you know.

It's perfect for a policy wonk like me.

By the way, I, um...

Brought you these.

Wow. Now, see, this is likeable behavior.

Don't you think your compulsive snacking

belies some kinda unaddressed anxiety that...

Right. Back of the room.

- Yeah. - Got it.

Much appreciated.

Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com