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1
00:00:21,045 --> 00:00:23,214
Previously in teen
horror films...
2
00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:28,512
Hello, and welcome
to Movie Phone!
3
00:00:28,554 --> 00:00:30,097
If you know the name of
the movie you'd like to see,
4
00:00:30,139 --> 00:00:31,433
press one.
5
00:00:31,475 --> 00:00:33,560
To choose from a list
of current,
6
00:00:33,602 --> 00:00:35,897
overpriced blood-splattered
blockbusters, press two.
7
00:00:35,939 --> 00:00:38,943
For cheap flicks with
a gay best friend, press three.
8
00:00:38,984 --> 00:00:42,697
For big studio bombs,
press four.
9
00:00:42,739 --> 00:00:45,158
For politically correct
buddy movies, press five.
10
00:00:47,495 --> 00:00:50,916
- Dad?
- Hello, Cindy.
11
00:00:50,958 --> 00:00:52,584
This isn't Cindy.
12
00:00:52,626 --> 00:00:54,587
I think you have a wrong number.
13
00:00:54,629 --> 00:00:56,005
Uh, wait a minute.
14
00:00:56,047 --> 00:00:57,465
What number did I dial?
15
00:00:57,507 --> 00:01:00,928
- Who is this?
- The Killer.
16
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:06,561
- Is that yours or mine?
- Ignore it, I have voicemail.
17
00:01:06,602 --> 00:01:08,688
Do you like movies?
18
00:01:08,729 --> 00:01:10,274
Yeah, sure.
19
00:01:10,315 --> 00:01:11,733
I rented some tonight.
20
00:01:11,775 --> 00:01:13,778
What kind of movies?
21
00:01:13,820 --> 00:01:17,115
The usual... Vaseline Alley,
Two Guys and a Girl and a Horse,
22
00:01:17,156 --> 00:01:20,035
- A Big Black...
- I get it! I get it!
23
00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:22,455
Do you like scary movies?
24
00:01:22,497 --> 00:01:23,832
You mean like Spike Lee movies?
25
00:01:23,873 --> 00:01:26,794
Lay off the Spikester.
He's keeping it real.
26
00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,590
Let's play a game.
Do you like games?
27
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,966
I guess...
28
00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,511
Alright, a train leaves
Chicago doing 60 miles an hour...
29
00:01:33,553 --> 00:01:35,888
Math! How am I supposed
to know that?
30
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:38,684
I'm a beautiful, popular, rich kid
with a promising future...
31
00:01:38,726 --> 00:01:40,477
...in a lightweight sorority
at a state college.
32
00:01:40,519 --> 00:01:42,439
I don't need to know that stuff,
I'm gonna get married.
33
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,732
Shut up!
Shut up, you nit wit.
34
00:01:43,773 --> 00:01:45,776
Do you think this
stalking thing is easy?
35
00:01:45,818 --> 00:01:47,445
- Whoa!
36
00:01:47,486 --> 00:01:49,489
Are you in my pool?
37
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:05,676
Hello?
38
00:02:05,718 --> 00:02:07,930
- Collect call from...
- The Killer.
39
00:02:07,971 --> 00:02:10,515
- Will you accept the charges?
- Whatever.
40
00:02:10,557 --> 00:02:11,809
Go ahead.
41
00:02:11,851 --> 00:02:14,187
Killer: Thanks,
now where were we?
42
00:02:14,228 --> 00:02:16,899
- Now look, geek.
- No, you look.
43
00:02:16,941 --> 00:02:19,819
If you don't get this next question
right, you're dead meat.
44
00:02:19,903 --> 00:02:22,948
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
45
00:02:22,989 --> 00:02:24,659
Ummm, Hugh Grant?
46
00:02:24,700 --> 00:02:26,786
I'm afraid not, genius.
47
00:02:26,827 --> 00:02:30,165
It was Amy Grant, wasn't it?
I was gonna say that!
48
00:02:30,207 --> 00:02:31,501
It doesn't matter.
49
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:34,838
You didn't answer
in the form of a question!
50
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,216
Hey, you're not Marilyn Melons!
51
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:09,006
Hello.
52
00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:12,176
Yeah, hold on a minute.
It's Stacey.
53
00:03:12,218 --> 00:03:13,429
Hi.
54
00:03:13,470 --> 00:03:14,597
Do you mind?
55
00:03:16,515 --> 00:03:18,560
Nothing.
What are you doing?
56
00:03:18,602 --> 00:03:20,854
Oh my God.
57
00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:23,691
What did she say?
58
00:03:23,733 --> 00:03:26,278
She is such a bitch!
59
00:03:28,196 --> 00:03:29,365
I've got to go.
60
00:03:29,407 --> 00:03:30,575
I'll call you back.
61
00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:56,274
Oooh. Oooh.
62
00:03:59,152 --> 00:04:00,863
I'm melting.
63
00:05:02,774 --> 00:05:05,027
PA: Good morning,
students.
64
00:05:05,068 --> 00:05:08,531
Cheerleader try-outs
will be held after school today,
65
00:05:08,573 --> 00:05:10,034
in the gym.
66
00:05:10,075 --> 00:05:14,205
You must be 18 and comfortable
with partial nudity.
67
00:05:32,979 --> 00:05:34,856
- Did not.
- Did too.
68
00:05:34,898 --> 00:05:35,899
- Did not.
- Did too.
69
00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:36,941
Did too.
70
00:05:36,942 --> 00:05:38,027
Mom!
71
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:51,043
Alright, Dawson.
If you'll just sign here,
72
00:05:51,085 --> 00:05:54,130
you'll be officially registered
at Bulemia Falls High School.
73
00:06:06,062 --> 00:06:07,856
Hey, new kid!
74
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:13,071
Slab, is that the way we introduce
ourselves to the new kid?
75
00:06:13,113 --> 00:06:15,241
Sorry, Mrs. Peacock.
76
00:06:15,282 --> 00:06:17,910
Ha!
Two for flinchin', New Kid.
77
00:06:22,499 --> 00:06:24,711
Hi, I'm Dawson.
78
00:06:25,336 --> 00:06:26,337
That's better.
79
00:06:28,882 --> 00:06:30,844
Man: We have rules
at this school, Mister.
80
00:06:31,136 --> 00:06:33,096
And "no" means "no."
81
00:06:34,807 --> 00:06:36,934
I'm never gonna get laid.
82
00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:42,066
Dawson, I'd like to introduce
you to Principal Interest.
83
00:06:45,236 --> 00:06:46,238
Ahem.
84
00:06:46,488 --> 00:06:47,698
Oh, I'm sorry.
85
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,035
"The Administrator Formerly
Known As Principal."
86
00:06:57,461 --> 00:06:58,420
Wannabe.
87
00:06:59,004 --> 00:07:00,505
Hey, New Kid!
88
00:07:01,841 --> 00:07:02,842
Oh God!
89
00:07:04,844 --> 00:07:07,389
Looks like someone is gonna have
to show you the ropes.
90
00:07:08,682 --> 00:07:10,477
Boner?
91
00:07:10,518 --> 00:07:12,855
It's pronounced
Bah-ner, sir.
92
00:07:12,897 --> 00:07:14,649
The "O" is soft.
93
00:07:14,690 --> 00:07:16,400
Not according
to Resusci-Annie.
94
00:07:17,486 --> 00:07:18,654
Just show him around.
95
00:07:18,695 --> 00:07:21,824
And for God's sakes,
wash your hands first.
96
00:07:22,617 --> 00:07:24,495
Mary, you're next.
97
00:07:28,165 --> 00:07:30,001
Hi, I'm Boner.
98
00:07:30,043 --> 00:07:31,336
It's nice to meet you.
99
00:07:34,924 --> 00:07:37,052
Yeah? "Witch?"
Try "rhymes with..."
100
00:07:37,094 --> 00:07:39,471
Charmed my ass!
Call me.
101
00:07:39,513 --> 00:07:41,224
Goddamn Shannon Doherty.
102
00:07:42,642 --> 00:07:45,187
Hey, New Kid!
I'm Barbara.
103
00:07:45,229 --> 00:07:48,525
- How'd you like a Hertz Donut?
- I'd love one. Thanks.
104
00:07:49,359 --> 00:07:50,527
Ow!
105
00:07:50,568 --> 00:07:52,738
Hurts, don't it?
106
00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:53,864
Hey, guys.
107
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:55,742
- Hi Martina.
- Hi, Mrs. Peacock.
108
00:07:58,036 --> 00:07:59,205
Hey, New Kid.
109
00:08:27,490 --> 00:08:29,826
Dawson: Wait a minute.
110
00:08:29,868 --> 00:08:31,454
Is she...?
111
00:08:32,288 --> 00:08:33,831
Did you hear the news?
112
00:08:33,873 --> 00:08:35,876
- Wrestling's fake?
- I'm not pregnant?
113
00:08:35,917 --> 00:08:37,627
He who smelt it, dealt it?
114
00:08:40,256 --> 00:08:41,842
No, about Screw.
115
00:08:41,884 --> 00:08:43,093
Slut. Whore.
116
00:08:43,135 --> 00:08:44,261
Do you have her number?
117
00:08:44,303 --> 00:08:45,513
Who?
118
00:08:47,349 --> 00:08:49,100
Murdered. Gutted.
119
00:08:49,142 --> 00:08:52,271
Flayed, sliced, diced,
fried and hung.
120
00:08:52,313 --> 00:08:54,066
Jesus!
121
00:08:54,107 --> 00:08:56,151
I'm never gonna get laid.
122
00:08:56,193 --> 00:08:58,613
And it's all over
the TV and news.
123
00:08:58,654 --> 00:09:02,034
Oh great!
Now everybody knows!
124
00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:05,580
Do they know who did it?
125
00:09:05,622 --> 00:09:07,374
Some guy in a ghost mask.
126
00:09:07,415 --> 00:09:08,625
That doesn't sound scary.
127
00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:09,460
Store-bought?
128
00:09:09,502 --> 00:09:10,795
Ewwww!
129
00:09:16,844 --> 00:09:18,679
PA: Attention,
students:
130
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:21,266
The fight between the Bloods
and the Crips
131
00:09:21,308 --> 00:09:24,186
is postponed until next Friday.
132
00:09:24,187 --> 00:09:27,482
Refreshments and
a lovely dance will follow.
133
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:30,653
At least I feel safe here.
134
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:31,905
Hi, Chuckie!
135
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,657
Wanna play?
136
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:35,325
We'll be okay at school.
137
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,036
Nothing can happen to us here.
138
00:09:49,677 --> 00:09:51,555
This is the kind of thing
you read about.
139
00:09:51,596 --> 00:09:52,639
Books are pretty.
140
00:09:52,681 --> 00:09:54,182
Oh my God, he's right.
141
00:09:54,224 --> 00:09:56,811
What's the big deal?
Kids get killed everyday.
142
00:09:56,853 --> 00:09:58,020
This is high school.
143
00:09:59,690 --> 00:10:02,443
Slab: No, Dawson.
This kid was white.
144
00:10:02,484 --> 00:10:03,445
So?
145
00:10:03,486 --> 00:10:05,447
And, she was popular...
like me.
146
00:10:06,741 --> 00:10:08,034
Ohhh.
147
00:10:11,413 --> 00:10:13,331
I hope that's Barbara Walters.
148
00:10:13,373 --> 00:10:14,667
What a rack.
149
00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:17,879
Hi, I'm Hagatha Utslay
from Empty-V News.
150
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,966
Kids, what do you think about...
151
00:10:21,008 --> 00:10:23,219
Wait, is that Dawson?
152
00:10:23,261 --> 00:10:24,763
Tape this.
153
00:10:24,804 --> 00:10:28,893
Chop, chop, you fat rat bastard!
154
00:10:28,934 --> 00:10:31,521
I'm Hagatha Utsley live
from Bulemia Fall High...
155
00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:34,067
where we're surrounded here by
a group of "innocent" students,
156
00:10:34,108 --> 00:10:36,027
most importantly, Dawson Deery.
157
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,278
Student, drum major...
158
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:39,073
...and inspiration for
my best-selling book
159
00:10:39,114 --> 00:10:40,907
" Dawson Is A Murderer."
160
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,911
- That book sucked.
- Not according to Oprah.
161
00:10:43,912 --> 00:10:45,413
It was her pick of the month.
162
00:10:45,414 --> 00:10:47,291
So was "Chicken Soup
for the Butt."
163
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:49,043
That doesn't mean
I killed anyone.
164
00:10:49,085 --> 00:10:50,545
Stay away from me.
165
00:10:50,587 --> 00:10:52,839
Isn't it true
that your whole entire family
166
00:10:52,881 --> 00:10:55,051
was murdered under
mysterious circumstances
167
00:10:55,093 --> 00:10:57,763
while you were supposedly
at "camp"?
168
00:11:00,015 --> 00:11:02,602
- Huh?
- Huh?
169
00:11:07,108 --> 00:11:09,319
- Ooh!
- Bitch went down!
170
00:11:09,861 --> 00:11:10,987
Just like home!
171
00:11:11,780 --> 00:11:14,450
Yeah that, and they didn't
have a boxing team.
172
00:11:14,951 --> 00:11:16,912
Guys, that is no way
to treat a lady.
173
00:11:16,954 --> 00:11:19,415
Unless she burns the toast.
174
00:11:19,456 --> 00:11:21,334
That's no lady.
175
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:22,919
What are you doing
here anyway, Doughy?
176
00:11:22,961 --> 00:11:24,088
You're not a real cop.
177
00:11:24,130 --> 00:11:25,548
Shouldn't you be guarding
the Orange Julius.
178
00:11:25,589 --> 00:11:26,674
NYPD Gap,
179
00:11:26,716 --> 00:11:28,134
Sergeant Sears,
180
00:11:28,135 --> 00:11:29,511
food court police.
181
00:11:29,553 --> 00:11:31,096
How many times
have I told you guys,
182
00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:35,351
mall security is just as
important as real police.
183
00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:36,895
It is!
184
00:11:36,937 --> 00:11:38,605
Loitering and stealing
pennies from the fountain
185
00:11:38,647 --> 00:11:39,941
are serious crimes that carry...
186
00:11:39,983 --> 00:11:41,484
Mom says you're a loser anyway.
187
00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:42,902
Well, Mom says you have
a fat ass.
188
00:11:42,944 --> 00:11:44,447
Dad left be cause he hated you.
189
00:11:44,488 --> 00:11:45,823
No, he left be cause
he hated you.
190
00:11:45,865 --> 00:11:47,576
He wasn't even your
real dad anyway.
191
00:11:47,617 --> 00:11:48,952
You know, I read your diary,
192
00:11:48,994 --> 00:11:51,330
Miss "Boo hoo, my gym teacher
molested me."
193
00:11:51,372 --> 00:11:52,457
- Dork.
- Dyke.
194
00:11:52,498 --> 00:11:55,627
What?
195
00:11:56,712 --> 00:11:59,591
Excuse me, I don't mean
to interrupt this family reunion,
196
00:11:59,632 --> 00:12:02,803
but are you actually working
on this case, officer?
197
00:12:02,845 --> 00:12:04,638
Primessuspekt.
Doughy Primessuspekt.
198
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:05,973
And, yes I am.
199
00:12:06,015 --> 00:12:07,516
It technically, falls under
my jurisdiction be cause
200
00:12:07,517 --> 00:12:09,811
"The Killer's" costume was stolen
from the Spencers at my mall,
201
00:12:09,853 --> 00:12:13,441
that, and some whoopee
cushions and some fake dog shit.
202
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:16,153
Pardon me, "canine" shit,
203
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,695
who cares about that crap?
204
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:18,907
I do.
205
00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,534
A cool kid was gutted
last night.
206
00:12:21,576 --> 00:12:23,913
Come on, it's probably some
harmless high school prank.
207
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:26,083
Look, this is lame.
208
00:12:26,124 --> 00:12:27,167
Let's get out of here.
209
00:12:27,209 --> 00:12:28,418
Hey, you guys, I got an idea!
210
00:12:28,460 --> 00:12:30,588
Let's all make a pact
to lose our virginities
211
00:12:30,630 --> 00:12:32,548
before graduation.
212
00:12:32,590 --> 00:12:34,009
I'm in.
213
00:12:34,051 --> 00:12:36,345
In unison:
We're not.
214
00:12:36,386 --> 00:12:37,514
Yeah, me neither.
215
00:12:38,098 --> 00:12:39,557
Yeah!
216
00:12:43,104 --> 00:12:44,355
Little bastards.
217
00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:45,857
I could just kill 'em.
218
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,059
Yeah, but you didn't, did you?
219
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,193
I'm just kidding you.
220
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:52,156
No really...
You didn't kill them, did you?
221
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,368
So, you're one of those
network reporters, huh?
222
00:12:54,410 --> 00:12:55,744
Actually cable.
223
00:12:55,786 --> 00:12:57,163
But that's just as important.
224
00:12:57,205 --> 00:12:58,373
Oh, it's more important.
225
00:12:58,415 --> 00:13:00,416
Be cause on cable you can
see butts and boobies,
226
00:13:00,417 --> 00:13:01,919
and you can say bullshit
and bastard.
227
00:13:01,961 --> 00:13:04,589
So, do you actually have
any inside dirt?
228
00:13:04,631 --> 00:13:06,800
As a matter of fact, I do.
229
00:13:14,268 --> 00:13:15,727
Killer boots.
230
00:13:15,769 --> 00:13:18,565
Thanks, I like yours too.
231
00:13:18,606 --> 00:13:19,942
Thanks.
232
00:13:21,110 --> 00:13:24,197
I guess I'll see you later.
233
00:13:24,239 --> 00:13:25,782
I hope so.
234
00:13:25,824 --> 00:13:28,119
- Oh, sorry.
- That's okay.
235
00:13:28,161 --> 00:13:30,163
Come on, lard-ass!
236
00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:35,712
I'm gonna keep my eye on her.
237
00:13:35,754 --> 00:13:37,464
She's got class.
238
00:14:04,206 --> 00:14:07,668
Attention students:
The band fundraiser
239
00:14:07,710 --> 00:14:10,923
will be held next Thursday
in the auditorium.
240
00:14:10,964 --> 00:14:14,010
Lick'er in the front,
poker in the rear.
241
00:14:34,369 --> 00:14:35,912
I didn't do it!
242
00:14:35,954 --> 00:14:37,081
We didn't say you did it.
243
00:14:37,123 --> 00:14:38,749
Boner, you couldn't get laid
at Lilith Fair...
244
00:14:38,791 --> 00:14:40,334
much less kill somebody.
245
00:14:40,376 --> 00:14:41,169
I could too.
246
00:14:41,211 --> 00:14:44,005
Well, kill somebody I mean.
247
00:14:45,299 --> 00:14:46,509
I could kill all of you.
248
00:14:50,597 --> 00:14:51,681
But I wouldn't.
249
00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:52,809
Oh.
250
00:14:52,851 --> 00:14:54,371
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't do it.
251
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:55,520
Now Slab...
252
00:14:57,189 --> 00:14:58,649
he's a killer.
253
00:14:58,691 --> 00:15:00,735
Just look at those earlobes.
254
00:15:02,612 --> 00:15:04,198
Way low.
255
00:15:07,076 --> 00:15:08,203
Really?
256
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:15,754
Hmmm. Skinny mirror.
257
00:15:27,226 --> 00:15:29,229
That guy looks really familiar.
258
00:15:29,271 --> 00:15:31,483
That's Spacey, Dawson.
259
00:15:31,524 --> 00:15:33,234
He's banging the French teacher.
260
00:15:33,276 --> 00:15:34,486
Really?
261
00:15:34,527 --> 00:15:35,988
She's from France.
262
00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:37,531
Paris, France.
263
00:15:37,573 --> 00:15:39,534
Madame La Tourneau.
264
00:15:39,576 --> 00:15:41,411
Yeah, he says
the sex is awesome.
265
00:15:41,453 --> 00:15:43,790
Lucky dog.
266
00:15:43,831 --> 00:15:46,250
Au revoir, Spacey.
267
00:15:46,292 --> 00:15:48,962
Call me later.
268
00:15:49,004 --> 00:15:51,049
Say bye-bye to Pa-pa.
Bye-bye.
269
00:15:55,429 --> 00:15:56,639
- Hey, Martina.
- No, Boner.
270
00:15:58,183 --> 00:16:00,685
Hey, Dawson, do you have
any lotion I can borrow?
271
00:16:02,522 --> 00:16:04,899
It's for my rash.
272
00:16:06,485 --> 00:16:08,445
I've got to go to class.
273
00:16:16,163 --> 00:16:18,834
Okay.
Okay, settle down, class.
274
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,463
Settle down. Settle down.
That's it. That's it.
275
00:16:22,505 --> 00:16:24,715
I'm your substitute,
Mrs. Tingle.
276
00:16:26,969 --> 00:16:29,347
Today we're going to be studying
277
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,850
about the persecution
of the Jewish people.
278
00:16:36,397 --> 00:16:38,942
Who can tell me what the verb
is in this sentence?
279
00:16:40,318 --> 00:16:44,533
Sabrina? Moesha? Daria?
280
00:16:44,575 --> 00:16:47,536
Ooh? Eeh? Ooh ah ah?
281
00:17:04,266 --> 00:17:06,977
Who can tell me if Frankenstein
was circumcised?
282
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,982
Martina? Don't forget to give
Grandma her laxative.
283
00:17:11,024 --> 00:17:12,860
I won't.
284
00:17:30,423 --> 00:17:32,885
Slab, I think you've had enough.
285
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,011
Why?
286
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,223
Be cause you won't have
any room for beer.
287
00:17:39,977 --> 00:17:42,481
Whew, that was close.
288
00:17:43,148 --> 00:17:45,484
Man, if I wrecked,
my dad would kill me.
289
00:17:45,526 --> 00:17:46,736
Hand me a beer.
290
00:17:48,029 --> 00:17:50,199
Guys, I think our senior year
is going to be the best ever.
291
00:17:50,241 --> 00:17:53,410
I'm the new Kielbasa queen.
292
00:17:53,452 --> 00:17:56,581
I just got accepted to
Harvard Law School, baby.
293
00:17:56,623 --> 00:17:59,001
I just got a foreign exchange
student living in my house.
294
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:00,503
She's Swedish!
295
00:18:00,586 --> 00:18:02,756
- And I just got a D in math!
- Yeah!
296
00:18:04,049 --> 00:18:05,092
Slab! Look out!
297
00:18:12,393 --> 00:18:14,604
I think I hit something.
298
00:18:19,402 --> 00:18:21,280
I think I'm going to be sick.
299
00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:24,741
Yup, I've got a fever.
300
00:18:25,368 --> 00:18:28,288
Slab, you've got blood
all over you.
301
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:31,584
Oh, that's no problem.
302
00:18:31,625 --> 00:18:33,044
It comes out with
a little tequila.
303
00:18:34,212 --> 00:18:36,131
Old scout trick.
304
00:18:36,173 --> 00:18:37,717
Slab, give me a hand.
305
00:18:37,758 --> 00:18:39,260
Wasn't that trophy enough?
306
00:18:39,302 --> 00:18:41,513
Yes, but we have
to dump this deer.
307
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:42,848
Alright, sweetie.
308
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,274
Can everybody keep a Secret?
309
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,088
Mar-teeen-ahhhhhhhhhhh.
310
00:19:12,802 --> 00:19:15,806
Yes.
This never happened.
311
00:19:25,527 --> 00:19:28,614
Who can tell me how
to conjugate the verb "expire"?
312
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:38,710
" Doughy."
313
00:19:40,128 --> 00:19:41,421
That's an interesting name.
314
00:19:41,463 --> 00:19:42,799
Thanks.
It's my dad's name.
315
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,008
He's a baker.
316
00:19:45,593 --> 00:19:48,973
Hagatha.
Now that's a beautiful name.
317
00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:51,601
Thanks.
My friends calls me Hag.
318
00:19:51,643 --> 00:19:53,813
Oh, do they?
That's so cute.
319
00:19:53,855 --> 00:19:56,858
Dammit! She's flat!
320
00:20:00,737 --> 00:20:03,074
Actually, they're C cups.
321
00:20:03,116 --> 00:20:05,076
I guess I got to get
these things redone.
322
00:20:05,118 --> 00:20:06,537
Doughy.
323
00:20:13,044 --> 00:20:15,548
Doughy...
324
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:18,427
I was wondering, how did you get
into this line of work?
325
00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,972
Well, I got too fat
for the ballet,
326
00:20:21,055 --> 00:20:22,682
and I could never
get my bulge right,
327
00:20:22,724 --> 00:20:24,852
so I figured,
"What the hell?"
328
00:20:27,688 --> 00:20:28,940
Hagatha...
329
00:20:31,234 --> 00:20:32,778
Do you have a boyfriend?
330
00:20:33,571 --> 00:20:35,281
Well, not yet.
331
00:20:36,073 --> 00:20:36,867
Mail order, huh?
332
00:20:36,909 --> 00:20:38,660
I tried that a few times myself.
333
00:20:38,702 --> 00:20:42,373
If it doesn't work out,
would you let me know?
334
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:44,752
I sure will.
335
00:20:44,793 --> 00:20:45,553
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
336
00:20:52,094 --> 00:20:53,721
Okay, Tiffany, Amber,
into the chair.
337
00:20:53,763 --> 00:20:54,889
Come on, shake it!
338
00:21:05,861 --> 00:21:06,820
Ladies...
339
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:08,740
Now, I need a volunteer.
340
00:21:08,782 --> 00:21:11,744
Boner, you look like a victim.
You're up.
341
00:21:11,786 --> 00:21:16,083
B-But, Mr. Hasselhof,
I-I can't swim...
342
00:21:16,124 --> 00:21:18,627
- Perfect.
- No!
343
00:21:21,589 --> 00:21:22,590
Parko!
344
00:21:27,514 --> 00:21:29,224
I want to live.
345
00:21:29,266 --> 00:21:30,935
Oh yeah, I want to live...
346
00:21:32,812 --> 00:21:34,231
Yeah, right now, please!
347
00:21:41,072 --> 00:21:42,491
Yeah.
348
00:21:43,993 --> 00:21:45,912
Not so much tongue, Amber.
349
00:21:47,789 --> 00:21:52,128
Now this is a textbook example
of mouth to mouth resuscitation.
350
00:21:52,169 --> 00:21:54,298
Some of you may want
to practice this at home.
351
00:21:54,339 --> 00:21:56,466
Or, if you'd like
to stay after class,
352
00:21:56,508 --> 00:21:59,387
- I'd be more than happy to...
- Ewwwww!
353
00:21:59,429 --> 00:22:01,097
Boner!
354
00:22:01,180 --> 00:22:02,892
It's Bah-ner, sir!
355
00:22:02,933 --> 00:22:03,733
Not at the moment...
356
00:22:35,891 --> 00:22:37,936
You have to make sure
this gets to the governor
357
00:22:37,977 --> 00:22:39,187
as soon as possible.
358
00:22:39,229 --> 00:22:40,773
It's my last chance,
little brother.
359
00:22:40,814 --> 00:22:43,317
Otherwise, I'll fry.
360
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:47,072
Don't worry, Jimmy.
You can count on me.
361
00:22:48,491 --> 00:22:49,617
Time's up, Boner!
362
00:22:49,659 --> 00:22:51,410
It's Bah-ner, ma'am.
363
00:22:51,452 --> 00:22:52,788
Not for long.
364
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,498
Dead Boner Walking.
365
00:23:07,223 --> 00:23:10,392
I hope you guys don't mind,
I may have to get home early.
366
00:23:10,393 --> 00:23:13,605
Me and Milli,
my Swedish exchange student,
367
00:23:13,647 --> 00:23:16,526
are about halfway
through the Kama Sutra.
368
00:23:16,568 --> 00:23:20,364
Awww, Boner.
I don't want to share you.
369
00:23:20,406 --> 00:23:24,035
Yeah, what's she got
that we don't have?
370
00:23:24,077 --> 00:23:25,704
A twin sister.
371
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:29,959
Slab!
Look out!
372
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,048
Can everybody keep a secret?
373
00:23:45,312 --> 00:23:47,315
I'll fry.
374
00:23:51,153 --> 00:23:55,074
Yes.
This never happened.
375
00:24:00,664 --> 00:24:03,543
I'm never going to get laid.
376
00:24:44,136 --> 00:24:45,805
Slab, I think you've had enough.
377
00:24:47,265 --> 00:24:48,767
Really, darling?
378
00:24:48,809 --> 00:24:51,980
Your concern is admirable,
but completely without merit.
379
00:24:52,021 --> 00:24:53,648
I'm doing splendidly.
380
00:24:53,690 --> 00:24:56,986
Anyone read that article in the
Times Science Section last week?
381
00:24:57,027 --> 00:25:00,198
Seems gene splicing
is all the rage.
382
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,324
Slab! Look out!
383
00:25:03,661 --> 00:25:05,788
Can everybody keep a secret?
384
00:25:10,962 --> 00:25:14,340
Slab, I'm looking
for your Uncle Lou's urn.
385
00:25:14,382 --> 00:25:20,015
We're scattering his ashes
today. Have you seen it?
386
00:25:20,056 --> 00:25:21,474
No.
387
00:25:28,775 --> 00:25:31,863
Yes.
This never happened.
388
00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:43,002
Shan... Shan... Shan... ah...
Shan... Shan... ah... kah.
389
00:25:45,129 --> 00:25:47,174
Shanakah. Chachi...
390
00:26:01,108 --> 00:26:04,947
Barbara, I'm afraid
it's worse than we feared.
391
00:26:04,988 --> 00:26:07,699
- Nurse Kevorkian, you mean...
- Yes, Barbara.
392
00:26:07,741 --> 00:26:10,495
You have chlamydia...
393
00:26:10,536 --> 00:26:11,454
and gonorrhea...
394
00:26:11,496 --> 00:26:12,665
and syphilis...
395
00:26:12,706 --> 00:26:15,042
and crabs...
396
00:26:15,084 --> 00:26:17,545
Whew, I thought you were going
to say that I have herpes.
397
00:26:17,587 --> 00:26:21,008
Oh yes, and herpes.
398
00:26:21,050 --> 00:26:23,386
Damn those Starbucks
toilet seats.
399
00:26:23,427 --> 00:26:27,057
Now young lady,
isn't there somebody special
400
00:26:27,099 --> 00:26:29,644
you wish to make aware
of your condition?
401
00:26:29,686 --> 00:26:32,231
You mean a teacher?
Or, my dad?
402
00:26:32,272 --> 00:26:35,275
Well, I was thinking more
like a boyfriend...
403
00:26:35,317 --> 00:26:38,071
Oh.
Do you have a yearbook?
404
00:26:40,449 --> 00:26:43,912
Barbara, Barbara,
please take some advice
405
00:26:43,996 --> 00:26:47,125
from a women who's had some
experience in this area.
406
00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:50,712
I wish to explain something
that we in the health profession
407
00:26:50,753 --> 00:26:53,132
refer to as "hitting skins,"
408
00:26:56,636 --> 00:26:57,846
"knocking boots,"
409
00:26:59,682 --> 00:27:01,684
"doing the nasty,"
410
00:27:02,018 --> 00:27:05,230
"bumping uglies..."
411
00:27:09,444 --> 00:27:11,155
I'm talking about sex, dear.
412
00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:16,119
Sex can be a beautiful,
sensuous experience
413
00:27:16,161 --> 00:27:19,332
between a man and a women
who truly love each other
414
00:27:19,373 --> 00:27:21,876
and want to share eternity
415
00:27:21,918 --> 00:27:24,338
laying in each other's
gentle embrace.
416
00:27:26,215 --> 00:27:29,803
Or it can be a dirty,
filthy spankfest
417
00:27:29,845 --> 00:27:33,808
in a bus station bathroom
shared by two anonymous
418
00:27:33,850 --> 00:27:35,685
consenting adults
on a layover in Detroit,
419
00:27:35,727 --> 00:27:37,355
and nobody ever need know.
420
00:27:39,607 --> 00:27:42,444
I think you got my point.
421
00:27:42,486 --> 00:27:44,946
Now, should we go and look
at your x-rays?
422
00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:47,116
X-rays with a pap smear?
423
00:27:47,158 --> 00:27:49,244
Oh, we're very thorough here.
424
00:27:50,079 --> 00:27:52,623
I just can't figure out
what this white spot is.
425
00:27:57,171 --> 00:28:00,299
You know, a pair of tube socks
works ever so much better.
426
00:28:00,341 --> 00:28:02,511
Why, when I was your age...
427
00:28:02,552 --> 00:28:05,765
I had this experience
I'll never forget.
428
00:28:05,807 --> 00:28:07,392
There were three of us,
429
00:28:07,433 --> 00:28:09,770
three of us in one bed...
430
00:28:14,401 --> 00:28:15,694
Barbara, honey?
431
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:19,073
I'm expecting Reverend Johnson
today, did he come yet?
432
00:28:19,115 --> 00:28:20,867
Almost.
433
00:28:31,464 --> 00:28:34,426
Barbara, I could never
be as beautiful as you.
434
00:28:34,467 --> 00:28:36,721
Or swallow as much sausage.
435
00:28:36,762 --> 00:28:38,055
Can I have your autograph?
436
00:28:38,097 --> 00:28:39,098
Will you marry me?
437
00:28:39,140 --> 00:28:40,350
- No me!
- No me!
438
00:28:40,392 --> 00:28:43,062
Relax, there's plenty
of Barbara to go around.
439
00:28:43,104 --> 00:28:46,566
Today Ms. Kielbasa Queen,
tomorrow the world.
440
00:28:46,607 --> 00:28:49,111
Carmen Elektra, watch your back!
441
00:28:49,445 --> 00:28:50,989
Slab! Look out!
442
00:28:52,157 --> 00:28:53,867
Can everybody keep a secret?
443
00:29:02,712 --> 00:29:05,882
Yes.
This never happened.
444
00:29:11,306 --> 00:29:14,852
...and that's how I knew
I wasn't a lesbian.
445
00:29:14,894 --> 00:29:16,395
Now, Barbara...
446
00:29:16,437 --> 00:29:19,274
I think you need to take this
safe sex kit with you.
447
00:29:19,316 --> 00:29:21,317
You never know when
you may need it.
448
00:29:21,318 --> 00:29:22,612
I gotta go.
449
00:29:22,653 --> 00:29:25,114
Alright, but it may not
be here when you come back.
450
00:29:34,043 --> 00:29:35,169
Hi, Doughy.
451
00:29:35,211 --> 00:29:36,545
- Hi, baby.
- Chicken?
452
00:29:36,587 --> 00:29:38,090
A little, but it's my job.
453
00:29:40,717 --> 00:29:42,261
Do you have any
new suspects yet?
454
00:29:42,303 --> 00:29:44,472
Well, we're checking out
everyone in town.
455
00:29:44,514 --> 00:29:45,599
Any new developments?
456
00:29:45,641 --> 00:29:47,309
Yeah, my vacation pictures.
457
00:29:49,562 --> 00:29:50,647
Who's that, your grandmother?
458
00:29:50,689 --> 00:29:51,606
With the bong?
Yeah.
459
00:29:51,648 --> 00:29:52,900
Glaucoma?
460
00:29:52,942 --> 00:29:55,152
Spring break.
That's me.
461
00:29:55,194 --> 00:29:56,905
Ooh, no tan lines.
462
00:29:56,947 --> 00:29:59,449
- I feel like a hot dog.
- Footlong?
463
00:29:59,491 --> 00:30:01,494
- At least.
- I'm buying.
464
00:30:07,418 --> 00:30:09,295
I've got a weird feeling,
Dawson.
465
00:30:09,337 --> 00:30:11,172
Wait till you eat
the tuna tacos.
466
00:30:11,214 --> 00:30:14,010
No, I mean Screw being killed.
467
00:30:14,051 --> 00:30:15,428
Oh, that.
468
00:30:17,889 --> 00:30:19,516
There's crazed a killer
on the loose, Dawson.
469
00:30:19,558 --> 00:30:22,061
That dead popular kid
could have been any one of us.
470
00:30:22,103 --> 00:30:23,647
But it wasn't.
So what do you care?
471
00:30:23,689 --> 00:30:25,816
What about next time he attacks?
And you know he will.
472
00:30:25,858 --> 00:30:27,234
Do you have a reservation sir?
473
00:30:27,276 --> 00:30:28,736
- Dawson?
- Party of five?
474
00:30:28,737 --> 00:30:30,572
- Wrong network.
- Yes, of course.
475
00:30:30,613 --> 00:30:32,450
Right this way, sir.
476
00:30:32,491 --> 00:30:34,744
I wouldn't worry about
it so much if I were you.
477
00:30:34,785 --> 00:30:35,537
Why?
478
00:30:35,579 --> 00:30:37,789
Be cause you are with me.
479
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,520
Didn't your whole family
get chopped up
480
00:30:40,543 --> 00:30:42,796
and fed to a fish farm?
481
00:30:42,838 --> 00:30:44,256
Allegedly.
482
00:30:46,216 --> 00:30:48,178
And what makes you think
you're so special
483
00:30:48,261 --> 00:30:50,013
he'd want to kill you, anyway?
484
00:30:50,055 --> 00:30:52,433
Well, be cause I got this.
485
00:30:53,768 --> 00:30:55,312
And how do you know it's a he?
486
00:30:56,521 --> 00:31:01,235
Be cause serial killers
and dentists are always men.
487
00:31:03,447 --> 00:31:05,491
I say rufies are bullshit.
488
00:31:05,532 --> 00:31:08,203
I take them before every date
and I never get laid.
489
00:31:08,244 --> 00:31:10,206
Maybe you're not taking enough.
490
00:31:12,792 --> 00:31:14,419
You got one too?
491
00:31:14,461 --> 00:31:17,255
If that's what I think it is,
I got one.
492
00:31:17,297 --> 00:31:19,300
A prescription for
gyno-lotrimin?
493
00:31:19,342 --> 00:31:21,678
Oh, wrong paper.
494
00:31:23,764 --> 00:31:25,057
What does this mean?
495
00:31:25,099 --> 00:31:26,935
I think I got one too.
496
00:31:26,976 --> 00:31:28,978
What does yours say, Slab?
497
00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:33,402
- Chanu... chanu... ah... kah...
- Give me that.
498
00:31:33,443 --> 00:31:35,320
That's it.
We're all targets.
499
00:31:35,362 --> 00:31:38,032
Oh, God, I knew my beauty
would be a curse.
500
00:31:38,074 --> 00:31:42,246
The bottom line is, everybody
got a note. We're all in danger.
501
00:31:42,287 --> 00:31:43,747
Not everybody.
502
00:31:52,718 --> 00:31:55,053
Fine! Happy now?
503
00:31:56,264 --> 00:31:58,474
You may already be a victim!
504
00:32:04,149 --> 00:32:07,778
Bad! Bad Deer!
Bad, bad, bad!
505
00:32:10,823 --> 00:32:13,243
No more salt lick.
506
00:32:13,285 --> 00:32:15,830
Deers don't talk!
507
00:32:37,190 --> 00:32:38,817
What's that?
508
00:32:38,859 --> 00:32:40,277
Slab! Lookout!
509
00:32:44,407 --> 00:32:46,994
No!
I just ate.
510
00:32:48,704 --> 00:32:51,833
Yes, this never happened.
511
00:32:53,543 --> 00:32:55,254
Wow! What did you win?
512
00:32:55,296 --> 00:32:56,672
Duh, Einstein.
513
00:32:56,714 --> 00:32:59,009
It means Dawson's the first
one on the chopping block.
514
00:32:59,051 --> 00:33:00,135
What a relief.
515
00:33:00,177 --> 00:33:02,263
Big deal.
Notes.
516
00:33:02,305 --> 00:33:04,682
It's probably just some
kid playing a joke?
517
00:33:04,724 --> 00:33:08,145
I mean, after all,
it is Halloween.
518
00:33:08,187 --> 00:33:10,357
And Friday the 13th.
519
00:33:11,358 --> 00:33:13,694
On the same day?
Impossible.
520
00:33:13,736 --> 00:33:15,071
Slab's dyslexic.
521
00:33:16,864 --> 00:33:18,659
Besides, a kid couldn't
write that.
522
00:33:18,700 --> 00:33:20,202
At least not a kid
in public school.
523
00:33:20,244 --> 00:33:21,830
Unless he was Japanese.
524
00:33:21,871 --> 00:33:23,706
But they're not historically
serial killers.
525
00:33:23,748 --> 00:33:25,584
No, what about Godzilla?
526
00:33:25,626 --> 00:33:27,211
Not technically Japanese.
527
00:33:27,253 --> 00:33:29,005
He was born
in international waters.
528
00:33:29,047 --> 00:33:31,633
Ahhhh-so,
what are we gonna do?
529
00:33:31,675 --> 00:33:33,052
"We" nothing, dipshit.
530
00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:34,679
How do I know it's not
one of you guys?
531
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:37,182
Well, we could all make
handwriting samples.
532
00:33:37,224 --> 00:33:38,392
Slab's out.
533
00:33:38,434 --> 00:33:40,770
Woo-hoo! Not a killer.
Right here. Not a killer.
534
00:33:40,812 --> 00:33:43,314
Wait a second,
just be cause he can't read
535
00:33:43,356 --> 00:33:45,443
doesn't mean
he's not the killer.
536
00:33:45,484 --> 00:33:47,903
- Yeah, look at the Clintons.
- What?
537
00:33:47,945 --> 00:33:50,532
No, this is stupid...
and you're stupid.
538
00:33:50,574 --> 00:33:52,535
Why would we want
to kill each other?
539
00:33:52,618 --> 00:33:54,579
Yeah, so what if Slab
lost my term paper
540
00:33:54,620 --> 00:33:56,457
after he copied it
and turned it in as his own
541
00:33:56,498 --> 00:33:58,417
and got an A?
542
00:33:58,459 --> 00:34:00,754
Yeah, and so what
if Barbara told everyone
543
00:34:00,795 --> 00:34:02,088
I got a small schwantz?
544
00:34:03,883 --> 00:34:05,551
Even though I don't.
545
00:34:05,593 --> 00:34:06,719
Exactly.
546
00:34:06,761 --> 00:34:08,847
So what if Boner's dad
was cheating with my mom
547
00:34:08,889 --> 00:34:11,308
leading to her downward
spiral into alcoholism?
548
00:34:12,935 --> 00:34:14,061
My dad is what?
549
00:34:14,812 --> 00:34:16,231
And you know what's
really strange?
550
00:34:16,273 --> 00:34:18,984
Somehow The Killer always
knows where we are.
551
00:34:22,238 --> 00:34:23,699
You know what we've got to do?
552
00:34:23,741 --> 00:34:25,034
We've got to get out of here.
553
00:34:25,076 --> 00:34:26,327
To some place safe.
554
00:34:26,368 --> 00:34:27,788
Yeah, in the middle of nowhere.
555
00:34:27,829 --> 00:34:29,539
In the dark woods
and pouring rain...
556
00:34:29,581 --> 00:34:31,459
Without any adult supervision...
557
00:34:31,501 --> 00:34:33,419
or police protection
anywhere in the near vicinity.
558
00:34:33,461 --> 00:34:34,671
And I know just the place.
559
00:34:34,713 --> 00:34:36,256
It's totally deserted ever since
560
00:34:36,298 --> 00:34:38,133
those dorky kids
were dismembered.
561
00:34:38,175 --> 00:34:39,928
Are you talking about band camp?
562
00:34:39,969 --> 00:34:41,471
Wait a second...
This is stupid.
563
00:34:41,513 --> 00:34:43,390
Let's just all go
to one of your houses.
564
00:34:43,432 --> 00:34:45,935
Hey, that's cool.
My parents are out of town.
565
00:34:45,976 --> 00:34:48,063
They won't bother us.
566
00:34:49,815 --> 00:34:51,150
No, let's go to my house.
567
00:34:51,192 --> 00:34:52,860
My parents are locked
in the basement.
568
00:34:52,902 --> 00:34:54,655
They'll totally leave us alone.
569
00:34:56,824 --> 00:34:57,992
No, my house.
570
00:34:58,034 --> 00:35:00,078
My parents are divorced
and I spend the weekends
571
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:01,831
with my dad, but he tries
to make up for lost time
572
00:35:01,872 --> 00:35:03,249
by letting me get
away with murder.
573
00:35:04,875 --> 00:35:06,378
Well, you know what I mean.
574
00:35:06,503 --> 00:35:08,338
Let's go to my house.
My parents are dead!
575
00:35:08,380 --> 00:35:09,882
Alright!
576
00:35:10,883 --> 00:35:13,178
Alright, so we'll stay there
the night, and we'll be safe.
577
00:35:16,348 --> 00:35:18,309
Until then, watch your backs.
578
00:35:27,529 --> 00:35:29,323
Would the following
students please report
579
00:35:29,365 --> 00:35:30,658
to the principal's office:
580
00:35:33,704 --> 00:35:36,666
Lou Sur, and Heywood Jablome.
581
00:35:37,292 --> 00:35:39,794
Your reading scores
are average, Jimmy,
582
00:35:39,878 --> 00:35:42,298
but, you're killing
on a 12th grade level!
583
00:35:42,423 --> 00:35:45,802
Congratulations, you're going
to do just fine at the seminary.
584
00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:18,635
How about that Michael Dunne?
585
00:36:18,676 --> 00:36:20,036
Now there's an ass
that won't quit.
586
00:36:20,513 --> 00:36:21,388
You're telling me.
587
00:36:21,430 --> 00:36:22,974
He's in my third period class.
588
00:36:23,016 --> 00:36:24,684
I'd like to jump his bones.
589
00:36:28,523 --> 00:36:30,651
Hey, did you finish grading
your term papers?
590
00:36:30,692 --> 00:36:31,944
I was too hung over.
591
00:36:31,985 --> 00:36:33,112
Did you read any of yours?
592
00:36:33,153 --> 00:36:34,113
I never read them.
593
00:36:34,154 --> 00:36:35,532
Who does?
594
00:36:35,573 --> 00:36:37,742
Do you know where I could get
an unregistered handgun?
595
00:36:37,784 --> 00:36:39,662
You got 50 bucks?
596
00:36:39,703 --> 00:36:40,913
I can get it by Friday.
597
00:36:40,955 --> 00:36:41,875
I'll see what I can do.
598
00:37:36,984 --> 00:37:39,153
♪♪ You'll have a fresh attitude ♪♪
599
00:37:39,195 --> 00:37:40,989
♪♪ When you're holding
your knife ♪♪
600
00:37:41,031 --> 00:37:44,160
♪♪ With Mentals, fresh can be
your knight ♪♪
601
00:37:44,202 --> 00:37:46,746
♪♪ Lady Luck will lift you up, ♪♪
602
00:37:46,787 --> 00:37:48,916
♪♪ When you're sporting
fresh breath. ♪♪
603
00:37:48,957 --> 00:37:50,209
♪♪ Before you strike ♪♪
604
00:37:50,250 --> 00:37:53,963
♪♪ Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ♪♪
605
00:37:54,005 --> 00:37:57,301
♪♪ Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ♪♪
606
00:37:57,343 --> 00:37:58,803
♪♪ Death goes better ♪♪
607
00:37:58,886 --> 00:38:01,348
♪♪ With you and
all you do with your knife ♪♪
608
00:38:06,062 --> 00:38:09,066
Attention students:
Tonight's PTA meeting
609
00:38:09,107 --> 00:38:12,529
will be held at the Hooter's
Restaurant in Glendale.
610
00:38:12,570 --> 00:38:14,197
Please remind your parents.
611
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:18,912
Also, whoever put real meat
in todays lunch,
612
00:38:18,954 --> 00:38:20,330
please remove it.
613
00:38:21,581 --> 00:38:23,960
Man, this car sucks.
614
00:38:25,461 --> 00:38:26,922
What a pie Ce of shit.
615
00:38:28,632 --> 00:38:31,386
Hey, guys.
What are you talking about?
616
00:38:32,428 --> 00:38:33,721
Don't you see what I see?
617
00:38:33,763 --> 00:38:36,475
Why, this car's automatic!
618
00:38:38,353 --> 00:38:39,563
Systematic!
619
00:38:41,148 --> 00:38:42,984
It's hydromatic!
620
00:38:43,860 --> 00:38:45,946
Why it's Greased Frightening!
621
00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:48,866
♪♪ I used to call you up
on the phone ♪♪
622
00:38:48,907 --> 00:38:50,577
♪♪ Just to give you a scare ♪♪
623
00:38:50,618 --> 00:38:53,204
♪♪ Yeah, keep on talkin'
Oh, just keep on talkin' ♪♪
624
00:38:53,246 --> 00:38:55,040
♪♪ You know you bought
the farm but good ♪♪
625
00:38:55,082 --> 00:38:56,584
♪♪ When you're askin'
who's there ♪♪
626
00:38:56,625 --> 00:38:58,837
♪♪ I want my mommy.
Oh, I want my mommy ♪♪
627
00:38:58,879 --> 00:39:00,172
♪♪ With the four-speed
on the floor ♪♪
628
00:39:00,213 --> 00:39:01,757
♪♪ You're just waiting
at the door ♪♪
629
00:39:04,802 --> 00:39:06,388
♪♪ ...Greased Frightening. ♪♪
630
00:39:10,310 --> 00:39:11,811
What a fag.
631
00:39:11,853 --> 00:39:14,023
Let's go paint it on his locker.
632
00:39:16,233 --> 00:39:18,778
Of course it's stupid
if no one else sings.
633
00:39:20,197 --> 00:39:21,240
Dicks.
634
00:39:51,820 --> 00:39:53,155
Mr. Andretti?
635
00:40:11,428 --> 00:40:13,138
No!
636
00:40:21,399 --> 00:40:23,151
No!
637
00:40:30,035 --> 00:40:31,829
No!
638
00:40:40,798 --> 00:40:41,633
Great.
639
00:40:43,886 --> 00:40:45,471
What the scratch?
640
00:40:49,602 --> 00:40:51,312
Whew!
641
00:40:56,234 --> 00:40:57,695
License and active warrants.
642
00:40:58,863 --> 00:41:00,031
There you go.
643
00:41:07,415 --> 00:41:09,210
May I have your
attention for the results
644
00:41:09,251 --> 00:41:11,670
of yesterday's pregnancy tests.
645
00:41:11,712 --> 00:41:14,216
Susan Savinsky - negative;
646
00:41:14,257 --> 00:41:16,469
Melissa Blake - positive.
647
00:41:16,552 --> 00:41:18,721
Jonathan Weiner - negative.
648
00:41:23,602 --> 00:41:25,313
Did you know
that most serial killers
649
00:41:25,355 --> 00:41:26,564
have an extra chromosome?
650
00:41:26,606 --> 00:41:27,900
Really?
651
00:41:27,942 --> 00:41:29,902
Yeah, trust me.
I'm from Wisconsin.
652
00:41:31,780 --> 00:41:33,365
That's a really nice gun.
653
00:41:33,406 --> 00:41:35,575
Thanks, my mom bought it for me.
654
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:37,328
I'm saving up for my bullets.
655
00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:40,249
- Nine millimeter?
- When it's cold.
656
00:41:40,290 --> 00:41:41,570
You know a lot about this stuff.
657
00:41:41,583 --> 00:41:42,668
Well, I have to.
658
00:41:42,709 --> 00:41:44,254
My demos show
that I'm most popular
659
00:41:44,295 --> 00:41:45,630
with felons and bed wetters.
660
00:41:46,589 --> 00:41:49,843
Perfect.
Then I'm your man.
661
00:41:49,885 --> 00:41:51,680
You do like to watch?
662
00:41:57,937 --> 00:41:59,273
Who doesn't?
663
00:42:12,664 --> 00:42:14,458
"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"
664
00:42:15,793 --> 00:42:19,298
Attention students:
Flight 916 for Tuscany
665
00:42:19,339 --> 00:42:22,844
will be boarding at Gate 14 A.
666
00:42:22,886 --> 00:42:25,013
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
667
00:42:25,054 --> 00:42:26,473
of passengers only.
668
00:42:26,515 --> 00:42:28,058
No parking.
669
00:42:29,351 --> 00:42:33,566
Also, today's happy hour will
be held in the biology lab.
670
00:42:33,608 --> 00:42:37,613
Remember, wings are free
when you buy a pitcher.
671
00:43:27,842 --> 00:43:30,345
And now we're
in the final turn...
672
00:43:30,387 --> 00:43:32,265
it's Martina and the Killer...
673
00:43:32,306 --> 00:43:34,100
the Killer making his move...
674
00:43:34,225 --> 00:43:36,395
Now it's the Killer and Martina.
675
00:43:38,438 --> 00:43:40,483
Martina now making her move...
676
00:43:40,525 --> 00:43:42,569
Now it's Martina and the Killer.
677
00:44:36,553 --> 00:44:42,436
Attention students: There will
be a fire drill at 3:05 today.
678
00:44:42,478 --> 00:44:45,982
Please bring your own matches
and lighter fluid.
679
00:45:05,757 --> 00:45:06,549
Ah-hh!
680
00:45:10,554 --> 00:45:11,806
Oh.
681
00:45:14,768 --> 00:45:17,438
Two minutes to "show time."
682
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:20,943
Or should I say "shower time"?
683
00:45:23,863 --> 00:45:25,407
Oh yeah!
684
00:45:26,199 --> 00:45:28,160
Come to papa.
685
00:45:31,665 --> 00:45:33,834
Slab?
686
00:45:33,875 --> 00:45:36,170
Dawson?
687
00:45:36,212 --> 00:45:38,256
Martina?
688
00:45:51,273 --> 00:45:52,399
Eureka!
689
00:45:56,279 --> 00:45:58,197
Alright!
690
00:46:03,163 --> 00:46:05,332
Wait a minute...
691
00:46:05,373 --> 00:46:06,834
What the...
692
00:46:24,356 --> 00:46:28,152
Okay, okay. Okay.
693
00:46:28,194 --> 00:46:29,529
Faculty coming through.
694
00:46:29,571 --> 00:46:30,530
Hello!
695
00:46:30,614 --> 00:46:33,409
Aren't any of you
on the Internet?
696
00:46:33,451 --> 00:46:35,244
Put a leash on it, Tarzan.
697
00:46:38,666 --> 00:46:42,170
Hello, gang!
Welcome to Sex Education.
698
00:46:42,212 --> 00:46:43,812
If you aren't registered
for this course,
699
00:46:43,838 --> 00:46:47,134
or are a Southern Baptist,
you're in the wrong room.
700
00:46:52,809 --> 00:46:53,768
Ta ta.
701
00:46:54,811 --> 00:46:55,937
A churching we go.
702
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:59,483
Okay, let's get started by
reviewing the basics, shall we?
703
00:46:59,525 --> 00:47:02,279
Who remembers my two friends
704
00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:05,658
Peter Longfellow
and Virginia Tulips?
705
00:47:06,742 --> 00:47:10,205
Hey, baby, you smell like beer.
706
00:47:10,247 --> 00:47:12,083
Oh Peter, please...
707
00:47:12,125 --> 00:47:14,460
I've always relied
on the kindness of strangers.
708
00:47:14,502 --> 00:47:16,171
Eat my stranger!
709
00:47:16,213 --> 00:47:19,383
Ooooh! Ow! Daddy! Daddy!
710
00:47:27,519 --> 00:47:28,312
Yes?
711
00:47:28,854 --> 00:47:31,983
Mr. Buchanan,
may I please be excused?
712
00:47:32,025 --> 00:47:34,277
Couldn't wait till prom,
Ms. Delgado?
713
00:47:35,779 --> 00:47:38,032
Go.
Go go go go.
714
00:47:41,328 --> 00:47:43,664
Alright, let's move on to
our film, shall we?
715
00:47:43,706 --> 00:47:47,336
I just need a volunteer to put
some fueler in the projector.
716
00:47:49,588 --> 00:47:50,882
Anyone?...
717
00:47:50,923 --> 00:47:53,051
Fueler?...
718
00:47:53,092 --> 00:47:53,885
Fueler?...
719
00:47:56,347 --> 00:47:57,431
Yes.
720
00:47:57,473 --> 00:47:58,266
I'll do it.
721
00:47:58,308 --> 00:47:59,517
Sugar bugger.
722
00:47:59,559 --> 00:48:01,686
There you go.
Knock yourself out.
723
00:48:01,728 --> 00:48:03,522
There you go, killer.
724
00:48:03,564 --> 00:48:06,151
You won't have any trouble
with those deltoids.
725
00:48:07,194 --> 00:48:09,613
Alright, where was I?
726
00:48:42,196 --> 00:48:45,158
The following motion picture
has been rated "X."
727
00:48:45,242 --> 00:48:48,871
It contains adult situations,
adult language and nudity,
728
00:48:48,913 --> 00:48:50,790
lots of nudity.
729
00:48:50,832 --> 00:48:53,711
Extensive pausing or rewinding
will damage film.
730
00:48:53,752 --> 00:48:55,879
Parental absence is suggested.
731
00:48:58,300 --> 00:49:01,220
And now for our feature
presentation...
732
00:49:01,262 --> 00:49:03,306
Hallmark Hall of Fame
proudly presents...
733
00:49:03,347 --> 00:49:06,810
Motley Screw:
The Pam and Tommy Story.
734
00:49:09,522 --> 00:49:11,900
Look, I'm driving the boat.
735
00:49:11,942 --> 00:49:14,236
Look, I'm measuring the couch!
736
00:49:14,278 --> 00:49:16,281
You look like a tripod.
737
00:49:16,323 --> 00:49:20,328
Oh, would you look at that
choice of wallpaper!
738
00:49:20,369 --> 00:49:23,582
Who is your decorator?
Mussolini?
739
00:49:25,542 --> 00:49:27,754
Hey, no one is going
to see this, right baby?
740
00:49:54,663 --> 00:49:57,082
Do you mind practicing
somewhere else?
741
00:50:01,045 --> 00:50:04,716
Ow, this isn't going to help
my sore throat any, is it?
742
00:50:27,328 --> 00:50:29,957
Scissors cut paper.
You lose!
743
00:51:09,131 --> 00:51:11,008
Look, I'm polevaulting.
744
00:51:20,604 --> 00:51:23,399
Ah, that's why I don't
wear underwear.
745
00:51:25,526 --> 00:51:28,364
That was amazing
wasn't it, baby?
746
00:51:28,405 --> 00:51:30,742
I just love playing
naughty Killer
747
00:51:30,784 --> 00:51:33,745
and Prison Psychiatrist
with you...
748
00:51:33,787 --> 00:51:35,498
but next time, don't pull
so tight...
749
00:51:35,539 --> 00:51:37,041
that's my good scarf.
750
00:51:39,628 --> 00:51:41,630
Let's see what
the kids is up to.
751
00:51:52,352 --> 00:51:54,105
That's what I'm talking about.
752
00:52:03,324 --> 00:52:04,992
Oh, I'm sorry, lover...
753
00:52:05,034 --> 00:52:07,037
Did I leave you hangin'?
754
00:52:07,079 --> 00:52:08,539
I know what we need.
755
00:52:08,580 --> 00:52:11,251
Margaritas!
756
00:52:11,292 --> 00:52:13,254
That's what I'm talking about.
757
00:52:13,295 --> 00:52:15,423
See, it's me and you girl.
758
00:52:15,464 --> 00:52:16,257
Alright!
759
00:52:19,010 --> 00:52:21,723
Hey, you kids,
knock off the grab ass.
760
00:52:23,349 --> 00:52:26,895
It's a good thing Principal
Winkler left that futon behind.
761
00:52:26,979 --> 00:52:30,275
Come on, I want to show
you a trick.
762
00:52:31,985 --> 00:52:34,238
Hey, what I just tell you?
763
00:52:35,948 --> 00:52:37,743
Let's go, man.
764
00:52:37,784 --> 00:52:39,786
I didn't see you come in.
765
00:52:39,828 --> 00:52:42,290
Well, what do we have here?
766
00:52:42,331 --> 00:52:44,501
I was just boning up on my CPR,
767
00:52:44,543 --> 00:52:47,546
and I have a sore hip,
so we was in...
768
00:52:50,592 --> 00:52:52,595
Hey, don't make me
come down there.
769
00:53:00,021 --> 00:53:04,193
Alright, that's it.
770
00:53:04,234 --> 00:53:05,778
Damn!
771
00:53:06,695 --> 00:53:07,739
Wannabe.
772
00:53:09,532 --> 00:53:11,452
Cherry van, man.
773
00:53:11,494 --> 00:53:12,870
Thanks, I bought it from Jewel.
774
00:53:12,912 --> 00:53:14,831
It still smells
like peanut butter.
775
00:53:15,957 --> 00:53:17,959
Oh, my God!
We saw him!
776
00:53:18,001 --> 00:53:19,170
We all did.
777
00:53:19,212 --> 00:53:21,297
Dawson's being interviewed
by the cops right now.
778
00:53:23,550 --> 00:53:25,070
Yeah, but working
with William Kevinson
779
00:53:25,094 --> 00:53:26,345
was a really great
experience for me.
780
00:53:26,387 --> 00:53:28,098
He's a brilliant guy.
781
00:53:29,432 --> 00:53:30,351
Got it?
782
00:53:34,856 --> 00:53:36,817
You're a very attractive man.
783
00:53:36,900 --> 00:53:38,778
Now scram!
784
00:53:40,405 --> 00:53:42,825
I want to take that home.
785
00:53:49,290 --> 00:53:53,714
...two, one, and... Welcome back
to Bulemia Falls High,
786
00:53:53,755 --> 00:53:56,550
home of Empty-V's
"Spring Break Massacre,"
787
00:53:56,591 --> 00:53:58,386
where we have live coverage
of the coolest murders
788
00:53:58,428 --> 00:53:59,554
in the country...
789
00:53:59,595 --> 00:54:01,724
and hot new videos
from the Backstreet Boys.
790
00:54:01,765 --> 00:54:03,642
- So, Doughy.
- Hey, baby.
791
00:54:03,684 --> 00:54:07,313
Officer Primessuspekt,
is it true that all
792
00:54:07,355 --> 00:54:09,775
the students got notes
from the Killer?
793
00:54:09,817 --> 00:54:11,026
Uh-huh.
794
00:54:11,819 --> 00:54:13,947
Well, what does it mean?
Are they in danger?
795
00:54:13,989 --> 00:54:16,366
Well, I don't want
to scare anybody...
796
00:54:16,408 --> 00:54:18,161
but I'd say they are all
strong candidates
797
00:54:18,202 --> 00:54:20,581
for a good old fashioned
ax in the head.
798
00:54:20,622 --> 00:54:22,124
Are we on live?
799
00:54:22,166 --> 00:54:24,001
Hey, dickhead,
get a shot of them.
800
00:54:30,426 --> 00:54:33,847
Officer Primessuspekt, are you
taking any extra precautions?
801
00:54:35,432 --> 00:54:36,267
Don't touch me!
802
00:54:37,810 --> 00:54:40,314
And also we'll send a unit out
to whatever deserted location
803
00:54:40,355 --> 00:54:42,858
these kids are going to...
Where is that place, kids?
804
00:54:42,900 --> 00:54:45,320
Rock and roll!
805
00:55:11,686 --> 00:55:13,647
Hey, watch the ceiling fan.
806
00:55:20,322 --> 00:55:22,659
So, I grabbed the bastard
by his cheap costume
807
00:55:22,700 --> 00:55:25,245
and threw him up against
the wall and said to him,
808
00:55:25,286 --> 00:55:26,126
"You want the truth."
809
00:55:29,041 --> 00:55:31,753
"You can't handle the truth."
810
00:55:36,717 --> 00:55:38,554
So, do you want to go upstairs?
811
00:55:56,075 --> 00:55:58,245
Hi, Doughy.
812
00:55:58,287 --> 00:55:59,329
Hey, baby.
813
00:55:59,371 --> 00:56:01,040
Are you all ready for tonight?
814
00:56:01,082 --> 00:56:03,334
Let's just say I've got
an itchy trigger finger.
815
00:56:03,376 --> 00:56:06,130
- Poison ivy?
- I showered at the Y.
816
00:56:06,172 --> 00:56:07,673
Bad soap?
817
00:56:07,757 --> 00:56:10,719
Yeah, I guess it's only
supposed to be used externally.
818
00:56:10,761 --> 00:56:13,556
So, how come you have
a rash on your finger then?
819
00:56:13,598 --> 00:56:15,308
Well, I had to get it out.
820
00:56:16,894 --> 00:56:19,605
So, do think the killer's
going to show up?
821
00:56:19,646 --> 00:56:21,691
It's Halloween isn't it?
822
00:56:37,252 --> 00:56:40,715
Collecting for the Unlucky
Fisherman's Association?
823
00:56:40,757 --> 00:56:43,259
Sorry, Dude.
I gave at the pier.
824
00:56:46,514 --> 00:56:48,225
Okay, so what do you guys
want to watch?
825
00:56:48,266 --> 00:56:49,226
How about Teletubbies?
826
00:56:49,267 --> 00:56:50,602
Nah, we don't have any pot.
827
00:56:50,644 --> 00:56:53,106
Okay, we got Hot Shots,
The Naked Gun.
828
00:56:53,147 --> 00:56:54,565
Ooh, Airplane?
829
00:56:54,607 --> 00:56:56,401
I hear if you pause
it just right you can see
830
00:56:56,443 --> 00:56:57,903
Leslie Nielsen's penis.
831
00:56:57,945 --> 00:56:58,905
Ew!
832
00:57:01,282 --> 00:57:02,617
Parodies are lame.
833
00:57:02,659 --> 00:57:04,870
I'm gonna get some more beer.
I'll be back.
834
00:57:04,912 --> 00:57:05,871
What are you crazy?
835
00:57:05,913 --> 00:57:07,499
You can't talk like that.
836
00:57:07,541 --> 00:57:09,543
We are in a parody situation.
837
00:57:09,584 --> 00:57:10,795
What are you talking about?
838
00:57:10,837 --> 00:57:12,587
A parody.
839
00:57:12,588 --> 00:57:14,383
A killer in a The Killer costume
840
00:57:14,424 --> 00:57:16,593
slaughtering a bunch
of good looking, horny students
841
00:57:16,635 --> 00:57:19,389
at a ridiculously
named high school?
842
00:57:22,309 --> 00:57:24,019
Okay, had anybody seen "Scream"?
843
00:57:24,061 --> 00:57:25,688
Yeah, great flick!
844
00:57:25,729 --> 00:57:28,483
For Christ's sakes guys,
"EMPTY-V"?
845
00:57:28,525 --> 00:57:30,903
That's the worst pun
I ever heard.
846
00:57:30,945 --> 00:57:32,113
It's so easy.
847
00:57:32,155 --> 00:57:33,949
I mean, hello!
We all got notes...
848
00:57:33,991 --> 00:57:36,784
"I Know What You
Did Last Summer"!?
849
00:57:36,785 --> 00:57:38,288
That's not what mine said.
850
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:43,127
- Chan... kah... Chan...
- Give me that!
851
00:57:43,169 --> 00:57:49,427
God, I haven't been so scared
since I tried out for the WNBA.
852
00:57:49,469 --> 00:57:51,554
Whatever. I'm not scared.
853
00:57:54,183 --> 00:57:56,895
Oh, Cheap Shot!
There you are.
854
00:57:56,936 --> 00:57:59,898
Oooh, Cheap Shot.
855
00:57:59,939 --> 00:58:02,817
Now, I really need more beer.
856
00:58:02,818 --> 00:58:04,905
Come on guys, look around you...
857
00:58:04,946 --> 00:58:07,824
Dawson!
858
00:58:07,866 --> 00:58:10,203
What? It's a family name.
859
00:58:10,244 --> 00:58:12,038
Are we gonna be tested on this?
860
00:58:18,087 --> 00:58:20,925
24 hour pizza...
If we're not here in 24 hours,
861
00:58:20,966 --> 00:58:21,884
we're not coming.
862
00:58:21,926 --> 00:58:23,219
Who ordered the large?
863
00:58:23,260 --> 00:58:24,304
I got it.
864
00:58:24,346 --> 00:58:26,306
No, no, no.
Hagatha, allow me.
865
00:58:26,389 --> 00:58:27,516
No really, I got it.
866
00:58:27,557 --> 00:58:28,810
- No, I got it.
- No really, I got it.
867
00:58:28,851 --> 00:58:30,978
- Hagatha, allow me.
- I'll flip you for it...
868
00:58:31,020 --> 00:58:31,521
You're on!
869
00:58:35,067 --> 00:58:37,862
Best two-out-of-three?
870
00:58:37,904 --> 00:58:39,030
Okay.
871
00:58:42,660 --> 00:58:43,745
Alright listen.
872
00:58:43,787 --> 00:58:45,580
There are certain rules
you have to follow
873
00:58:45,622 --> 00:58:47,708
in a parody situation
if you want to survive.
874
00:58:47,750 --> 00:58:50,419
Okay, number one:
Exaggerate everything.
875
00:58:50,461 --> 00:58:52,297
Number 88:
876
00:58:52,339 --> 00:58:54,091
Accept the ridiculous
as logical.
877
00:58:55,844 --> 00:59:00,057
Don't worry,
I know how to please a woman.
878
00:59:00,099 --> 00:59:03,061
Sexual sight gags...
always funny.
879
00:59:03,103 --> 00:59:04,062
We're almost there.
880
00:59:04,104 --> 00:59:06,607
Almost there.
Come on baby, yeah!
881
00:59:06,649 --> 00:59:07,692
Yes! Yes!
882
00:59:07,733 --> 00:59:12,573
Yes! I got it!
Oh yeah! Oh.
883
00:59:12,614 --> 00:59:14,951
And along with wacky
sound effects...
884
00:59:14,993 --> 00:59:20,749
Here's Boner.
885
00:59:20,791 --> 00:59:22,586
and unlimited absurdity...
886
00:59:53,333 --> 00:59:56,044
Remember, nothing is scared.
887
00:59:56,085 --> 00:59:57,087
Damn it!
888
01:00:03,261 --> 01:00:05,640
Just perfect.
889
01:00:06,557 --> 01:00:09,311
You're forgetting
"Point out the obvious."
890
01:00:11,396 --> 01:00:15,360
And finally, perpetuate
painful stereotypes.
891
01:00:15,401 --> 01:00:17,446
That's ridiculous!
892
01:00:21,034 --> 01:00:23,663
See, now that's Orion...
893
01:00:23,704 --> 01:00:25,790
and that's his penis.
894
01:00:25,832 --> 01:00:27,751
No, that's the Big Dipper.
895
01:00:27,793 --> 01:00:29,920
Really? I call mine
"Thor's Hammer."
896
01:00:32,674 --> 01:00:34,467
I can't see shit.
897
01:00:35,553 --> 01:00:38,012
Bottom line is,
parodies come from the truth.
898
01:00:38,013 --> 01:00:39,099
It's observation.
899
01:00:39,140 --> 01:00:41,810
So if something
looks familiar, heads up.
900
01:01:05,423 --> 01:01:07,342
Ha-ha, Boner.
901
01:01:10,597 --> 01:01:11,639
Boner?
902
01:01:20,233 --> 01:01:21,694
Stay back, asshole!
903
01:03:19,634 --> 01:03:21,260
Damn these fake tits.
904
01:03:37,907 --> 01:03:40,702
This surveillance work
is really interesting.
905
01:03:40,744 --> 01:03:42,079
Yeah.
906
01:03:42,120 --> 01:03:45,040
It must be really hard trying to
be so inconspicuous and quiet.
907
01:03:45,041 --> 01:03:47,418
Right, well not everybody
is cut out for it, you know.
908
01:03:47,460 --> 01:03:49,421
Hey, have you ever heard
me play the drums?
909
01:04:52,542 --> 01:04:55,046
Damn!
910
01:05:07,811 --> 01:05:09,689
Hey, not bad.
911
01:05:11,816 --> 01:05:12,734
Here it comes.
912
01:05:12,776 --> 01:05:14,695
"And don't call me Shirley!"
913
01:05:16,030 --> 01:05:17,448
Hey, hey guys.
914
01:05:17,449 --> 01:05:19,660
They just found the
Administrator Formerly
915
01:05:19,701 --> 01:05:22,455
Known as Principal,
bound and gagged, dead.
916
01:05:23,289 --> 01:05:24,832
Let's go down there before
the coroner does...
917
01:05:24,874 --> 01:05:26,543
and play "Weekend at Bernie's"
with him.
918
01:05:30,423 --> 01:05:32,259
And I never got
a chance to know him.
919
01:05:32,300 --> 01:05:34,971
I'll get it.
It could be my accountant.
920
01:05:41,854 --> 01:05:44,733
So, here we are all alone.
921
01:05:46,026 --> 01:05:47,611
Right?
922
01:05:48,488 --> 01:05:50,323
I have something for you,
Dawson.
923
01:05:51,324 --> 01:05:52,326
Oh, yeah?
924
01:05:53,995 --> 01:05:56,081
I want you, Dawson.
925
01:05:56,873 --> 01:05:58,542
You want me to wear that?
926
01:05:58,584 --> 01:06:00,670
No, this is for me.
927
01:06:00,712 --> 01:06:03,924
But this is for you.
928
01:06:05,342 --> 01:06:08,638
Oh.
929
01:06:08,680 --> 01:06:10,098
Wait, wait.
Wait a second.
930
01:06:12,059 --> 01:06:13,978
I thought you were a lesbian!
931
01:06:14,020 --> 01:06:17,274
A lesbian?
Why?
932
01:06:17,316 --> 01:06:18,817
Hello?
933
01:06:19,444 --> 01:06:21,696
You play softball.
You watch Ally McBeal.
934
01:06:23,490 --> 01:06:25,242
The WNBA?
935
01:06:25,618 --> 01:06:29,372
No Dawson, I'm not gay.
Barbara's gay.
936
01:06:31,250 --> 01:06:32,460
Barbara?
937
01:06:32,501 --> 01:06:34,755
Big Rosie fan.
938
01:06:37,049 --> 01:06:39,135
- But, you are a witch, right?
- Oh, yeah.
939
01:06:47,062 --> 01:06:49,856
Lame Gag!
You scared the crap out of us.
940
01:06:49,899 --> 01:06:53,069
What is it, boy?
941
01:06:53,110 --> 01:06:55,989
I'm sorry.
What is it, girl?
942
01:06:57,532 --> 01:06:59,243
Slab's in trouble?
943
01:06:59,244 --> 01:07:02,247
Steroids?
In the bathroom?
944
01:07:02,248 --> 01:07:04,375
Burt Reynolds wears a rug?
945
01:07:04,416 --> 01:07:07,504
O.J. was framed?
946
01:07:07,545 --> 01:07:09,256
Khaki's aren't cool?
947
01:07:09,257 --> 01:07:11,591
I have to disagree with you.
I think you're completely...
948
01:07:11,592 --> 01:07:13,136
Well, fuck you too!
949
01:07:13,178 --> 01:07:14,513
Come on, let's go.
950
01:07:19,269 --> 01:07:21,188
- Slab!
- Oh my gosh!
951
01:07:25,318 --> 01:07:27,279
I think I used too much.
952
01:07:53,604 --> 01:07:55,522
Oh, this is horrible.
953
01:07:57,150 --> 01:07:59,945
I know.
Who is gonna clean this up?
954
01:08:04,117 --> 01:08:07,580
Dawson, no.
955
01:08:07,622 --> 01:08:09,624
There's no point
in beating Dead Horse.
956
01:08:19,678 --> 01:08:24,142
Okay, Dawson, I'm going to...
957
01:08:24,225 --> 01:08:27,229
Dawson, Dawson!
958
01:08:27,271 --> 01:08:29,398
I was just checking for clues.
959
01:08:29,440 --> 01:08:31,193
Would you?
960
01:08:40,663 --> 01:08:42,082
Mmmmm, beefy!
961
01:08:46,504 --> 01:08:48,464
You're too late.
962
01:11:16,025 --> 01:11:16,776
Alright.
963
01:11:20,196 --> 01:11:22,283
Alright, pepperoni boy,
let's see 'em.
964
01:11:32,671 --> 01:11:34,506
We made it!
965
01:11:46,188 --> 01:11:48,316
Hold on, I'll take care of this.
966
01:11:49,734 --> 01:11:53,072
You mean big bully!
You bad, bad, bad killer.
967
01:11:53,113 --> 01:11:55,575
I'm going to scratch
your eyes out, big bully.
968
01:12:00,373 --> 01:12:01,666
Whoa!
969
01:12:21,691 --> 01:12:24,444
Alright!
Yeah, kick his ass!
970
01:12:29,033 --> 01:12:31,829
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
971
01:12:37,628 --> 01:12:40,630
You sure you're not a lesbian?
972
01:12:40,631 --> 01:12:42,551
Well, once, at camp.
973
01:12:42,592 --> 01:12:43,969
Cool.
974
01:12:44,678 --> 01:12:46,973
Let's find out
who this asshole is.
975
01:12:58,988 --> 01:13:00,448
Who is that?
976
01:13:00,489 --> 01:13:01,867
Abe Lincoln.
977
01:13:01,908 --> 01:13:02,951
Abe?
978
01:13:09,501 --> 01:13:10,752
Okay, come on now.
Take them off.
979
01:13:10,753 --> 01:13:13,173
But, they're company property.
980
01:13:22,225 --> 01:13:23,727
Nice.
981
01:13:33,490 --> 01:13:35,951
Sh-hh.
Did you hear that?
982
01:13:35,993 --> 01:13:37,828
- Oh, excuse me.
- No, not that.
983
01:13:41,124 --> 01:13:42,125
Let's roll.
984
01:13:53,848 --> 01:13:56,936
Hey, wide load, you and pizza dork
gotta hoof it.
985
01:13:57,353 --> 01:13:58,354
Get off!
986
01:14:02,109 --> 01:14:02,944
We're going in!
987
01:14:05,113 --> 01:14:06,030
Come on.
988
01:14:17,211 --> 01:14:19,339
Hey, I think this
is the last one.
989
01:14:23,094 --> 01:14:24,178
You!
990
01:14:24,887 --> 01:14:26,765
Who were you expecting,
Billy Loomis' mother?
991
01:14:27,182 --> 01:14:29,184
Of course!
Rule Number 101:
992
01:14:29,226 --> 01:14:31,187
You can't have
a successful parody
993
01:14:31,229 --> 01:14:34,775
without mocking, contrived,
confusing endings.
994
01:14:34,817 --> 01:14:37,278
But why, Doughy?
995
01:14:37,320 --> 01:14:39,865
I'm not Doughy, dumbass.
996
01:14:39,906 --> 01:14:41,451
That's not even real.
997
01:14:41,492 --> 01:14:42,827
But it is dastardly.
998
01:14:42,869 --> 01:14:47,374
So if you're not Doughy,
that makes you...
999
01:14:47,416 --> 01:14:48,500
Yes!
1000
01:14:48,542 --> 01:14:51,046
Doughy's evil twin cousin,
Harding!
1001
01:14:52,380 --> 01:14:54,800
Wow, good twist.
1002
01:14:56,093 --> 01:14:57,971
So what's your motive?
1003
01:14:58,013 --> 01:15:01,017
In the Millennium...
motives are accidental.
1004
01:15:01,059 --> 01:15:02,727
Do you mean "incidental"?
1005
01:15:02,769 --> 01:15:04,897
I should have killed you first.
1006
01:15:04,938 --> 01:15:07,024
Hey. Hey! Now...
1007
01:15:07,066 --> 01:15:10,528
I suppose this is what you
used to disguise your voice.
1008
01:15:10,570 --> 01:15:12,364
Helloooo, Cindy!
1009
01:15:13,157 --> 01:15:14,992
No, I mean this!
1010
01:15:19,164 --> 01:15:21,167
Hello, Martina.
1011
01:15:21,209 --> 01:15:23,002
What's your favorite movie?
1012
01:15:23,044 --> 01:15:25,798
I am your father, Luke.
1013
01:15:26,673 --> 01:15:27,466
Freeze!
1014
01:15:28,259 --> 01:15:29,344
Don't shoot, I give up.
1015
01:15:31,430 --> 01:15:33,349
- Hardy!
- Yo, Dough!
1016
01:15:34,600 --> 01:15:36,770
Doughy, what's going on?
1017
01:15:36,812 --> 01:15:38,105
They're identical.
1018
01:15:38,146 --> 01:15:40,608
Yeah, one good, one evil.
1019
01:15:40,650 --> 01:15:43,237
Wow, just like the Olsons.
1020
01:15:43,821 --> 01:15:45,822
Except where as Harding
enjoys a minuet,
1021
01:15:45,823 --> 01:15:48,326
ballet russes
and crepe Suzette...
1022
01:15:48,368 --> 01:15:49,827
Doughy likes to rock and roll,
1023
01:15:49,828 --> 01:15:51,205
a hot dog makes
him lose control.
1024
01:15:51,247 --> 01:15:52,540
What a wild duet.
1025
01:15:52,581 --> 01:15:53,998
Still, they're cousins.
1026
01:15:53,999 --> 01:15:55,127
Identical cousins.
1027
01:15:55,168 --> 01:15:55,919
They laugh alike.
1028
01:15:55,961 --> 01:15:56,920
They walk alike.
1029
01:15:56,962 --> 01:15:58,004
At times they even talk alike.
1030
01:15:58,046 --> 01:15:59,048
And, you can lose your mind.
1031
01:15:59,090 --> 01:16:01,134
Shut up everybody!
For God's sakes,
1032
01:16:01,175 --> 01:16:03,887
how many times do you think
we've heard that in our lives?
1033
01:16:03,929 --> 01:16:04,847
A little respect!
1034
01:16:04,888 --> 01:16:06,182
Harding!
1035
01:16:06,224 --> 01:16:09,017
You're a disgrace and an
embarrassment to our family!
1036
01:16:09,018 --> 01:16:11,521
Be cause of the stain
on grandma's dress?
1037
01:16:11,522 --> 01:16:12,857
No...
1038
01:16:15,736 --> 01:16:17,989
Oh, that.
Yeah.
1039
01:16:18,030 --> 01:16:21,910
Listen, I'm really sorry.
1040
01:16:21,952 --> 01:16:23,912
Is there any way I can
make it up to you, Doughy?
1041
01:16:23,954 --> 01:16:24,871
Well, first of all,
1042
01:16:24,872 --> 01:16:26,499
you can take that costume back
1043
01:16:26,541 --> 01:16:28,668
to its rightful owners
at the mall.
1044
01:16:28,710 --> 01:16:31,255
I don't have the receipt.
1045
01:16:31,297 --> 01:16:32,465
I'll make some calls.
1046
01:16:32,506 --> 01:16:34,593
But don't forget
about the fake dogshit.
1047
01:16:36,052 --> 01:16:37,722
I didn't take any dogshit.
1048
01:16:53,492 --> 01:16:55,243
Alright, you knucklehead,
give me a hug.
1049
01:16:58,748 --> 01:17:00,501
Ow.
1050
01:17:02,669 --> 01:17:04,214
Nice shot!
1051
01:17:05,006 --> 01:17:05,882
Huh?
1052
01:17:10,012 --> 01:17:10,888
Oops.
1053
01:17:12,057 --> 01:17:14,768
You guys all saw that...
I mean, that was an accident.
1054
01:17:14,810 --> 01:17:16,437
Yeah, it happens.
1055
01:17:17,730 --> 01:17:19,357
I really need
to get a new shade.
1056
01:17:20,943 --> 01:17:21,735
Here, try mine.
1057
01:17:23,403 --> 01:17:24,614
Perfect.
1058
01:17:25,740 --> 01:17:27,368
Well, I've got my scoop.
See ya, Doughy.
1059
01:17:27,410 --> 01:17:29,370
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
1060
01:17:29,412 --> 01:17:30,746
What about dinner
at the Wiener Puff?
1061
01:17:30,788 --> 01:17:33,125
Or maybe a snack
at the Pretzel Shack?
1062
01:17:33,166 --> 01:17:34,918
- Did you bring your bike?
- Uh-huh.
1063
01:17:37,880 --> 01:17:39,383
What about us?
1064
01:17:47,101 --> 01:17:49,520
Pizza guys get all the pussy.
1065
01:17:52,107 --> 01:17:53,441
Don't worry, Doughy,
1066
01:17:53,442 --> 01:17:54,902
we've got it all under control.
1067
01:17:54,944 --> 01:17:57,029
Yeah, except for
all those dead people.
1068
01:17:58,407 --> 01:18:00,617
Yeah. Well.
1069
01:18:03,163 --> 01:18:04,873
Let's go, kids.
1070
01:18:06,625 --> 01:18:07,710
Alright guys...
1071
01:18:07,752 --> 01:18:09,754
bag 'em, tag 'em,
let's wrap this up.
1072
01:18:09,796 --> 01:18:11,131
We'll take it from here.
1073
01:18:23,563 --> 01:18:26,317
Wow, Doughy.
A twin cousin.
1074
01:18:26,358 --> 01:18:28,402
Yeah, the resemblance
was remarkable.
1075
01:18:28,444 --> 01:18:30,238
People say we look
like Tom Cruise.
1076
01:18:31,156 --> 01:18:31,990
Hey, catering.
1077
01:18:38,290 --> 01:18:40,459
Martina.
Dawson.
1078
01:18:41,669 --> 01:18:43,421
Boner, you're alive.
1079
01:18:43,463 --> 01:18:45,466
God bless Viagra!
1080
01:18:45,508 --> 01:18:47,343
It saved my life.
1081
01:18:47,384 --> 01:18:48,929
I ate a whole bottle...
1082
01:18:48,970 --> 01:18:52,224
And when I had my heart attack,
the blood kept pumping anyway.
1083
01:18:54,143 --> 01:18:56,605
I can take this from here.
1084
01:19:00,068 --> 01:19:00,985
Yes!
1085
01:19:08,203 --> 01:19:10,831
We are so lucky
to have survived.
1086
01:19:10,872 --> 01:19:13,334
Now we can be together forever.
1087
01:19:13,376 --> 01:19:15,796
Well, at least until the sequel.
1088
01:19:16,463 --> 01:19:18,465
The End... as if.
1089
01:19:20,260 --> 01:19:20,927
Aren't you gay?
1090
01:19:34,402 --> 01:19:36,029
Not on my watch, punk.
1091
01:19:44,165 --> 01:19:45,458
Well, I guess
that about does it.
1092
01:19:45,499 --> 01:19:46,750
I killed my cousin.
1093
01:19:46,751 --> 01:19:50,087
My heart's broken
and my sister's dead.
1094
01:19:50,088 --> 01:19:52,216
Dammit, I love this job.
1095
01:19:54,094 --> 01:19:56,847
Well, now we're safe, thank God.
1096
01:19:58,308 --> 01:20:01,769
Hey, you want to go for a walk
in the dark, scary woods?
1097
01:20:01,812 --> 01:20:03,397
Sure.
1098
01:20:13,869 --> 01:20:15,412
Hey, Dawson!
1099
01:20:15,454 --> 01:20:19,042
Everybody! I did it!
I'm not a virgin anymore!
1100
01:20:26,635 --> 01:20:28,386
- Hello, Sydney.
- What?
1101
01:20:28,428 --> 01:20:31,933
I'm sorry... I'm losing you.
1102
01:20:31,974 --> 01:20:34,019
I said... hello, Sydney.
1103
01:20:34,061 --> 01:20:36,564
You're breaking up...
hello?
1104
01:20:37,357 --> 01:20:38,650
Who was it?
1105
01:20:38,691 --> 01:20:41,028
I don't know,
but if it's important,
1106
01:20:41,070 --> 01:20:42,696
they'll call back.
75920
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