All language subtitles for 108 Stitches 2014

[ skateboard scraping ]

[ crowd cheering ]

announcer: AND THE 1983
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS.

THE 3-2 PITCH...

[ bat hits ball ]

BY THE LEFT FIELDER!

IT IS OVER HERE!

HOMERUN!

OWLZ WIN!

OWLZ WIN!

man: THERE'S STRONG,
THEN THERE'S OREM STRONG.

OREM A&M UNIVERSITY,

AN INSTITUTION
OF THE AGES.

A HISTORY OF BASEBALL,

WHERE LEGENDS ARE BORN,

AND HEROES ARE MADE.

A SCHOOL WHERE STRENGTH IS
MEASURED BY THAT HISTORY.

BASEBALL,

BASEBALL,

BASE...

BALL.

[ announcer commenting ]

AND THE OWLZ HAVE WON THEIR
FOURTH NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP.

[ man's voice whispering
and echoing ]

IF YOU BUILD, HE WILL COME.

[ speaking in Vietnamese ]

UH-HUH.

[ speaking in Vietnamese ]

...FRANK BENDER.

AH, YEAH.

ANYWAY, AFTER YOU CHECK IN,

YOU'RE GONNA MEET
PRESIDENT PRATT,

AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO MEET
MY DAD, COACH DESHIELDS.

[ trying to speak Vietnamese ]

OH, MANAGER LOU BROWN.

FORGET THE CURVEBALL, RICKY.
GIVE HIM THE HEATER.

AND YOU ARE GONNA BE SLEEPING
IN THE TEAM HOUSE.

[ tries speaking in Vietnamese
again ]

OH, DUNG.

HE UNDERSTOOD THAT.

[ all chanting and cheering ]

AWW!

COULD YOU PLEASE,

COULD YOU PLEASE
THROW THE BALL BACK?

THROW THE BALL BACK.

COME ON, SWEETIE.

COME ON.
THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

LOOK AT THAT ONE,
THAT ONE THERE.

SEE, THAT WAS EVEN CLOSER.

YOU WANT THE BALL?

THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT
ME TO DO?

YES.

STAND UP?
YES.

OKAY.

DO I HAVE TO BEG?

OH, MY GOD.

YES!

YES!

YES!

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU.

[ talking and partying loudly ]

OKAY, YOUR GREAT ALL-AMERICAN
CATCHER IS RIGHT IN THERE.

[ pool party getting louder ]

GAME ON, BUDDY.

NICE SUIT, JACKIE CHAN.

[ guys having loud conversation
in background ]

*

[ guys arguing and cursing
at each other ]

THERE'S ONE SIDE OF THE POLE,

AND THERE'S THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE POLE.

THE BALL CAME THIS WAY.

TOTAL BULLSHIT.

FUCKING FOUL BALL.

CAN YOU SEE
THE GODDAMN POLE?

YEAH, IT'S ARCED
THIS WAY...

[ guys still arguing and
cursing ]

FUCK YOU.

PENDEJO...
[ talking in Spanish ]

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHO'S MY NEXT BITCH-ASS
VICTIM?

VICTIM?

BRING ME THAT
BAT, FOOL.

NOW, DON'T BRING ANY OF THAT
SPASTIC SHIT IN HERE, BRO, OKAY?

LOOK, MAN, I'M GONNA SEND YOU
AND YOUR SNAKE-LOVING ASS

BACK TO FLORIDA.

I'M FROM EGYPT, YOU MONKEY.

OH, YEAH, I WAS BORN
IN AFRICA, TOO,

BUT DOES THAT MAKE US
AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

LET'S GO.

[ speaking in Spanish ]

OH, HEY.

GODDAMN IT, ZELLMAN.

NO ONE CAN TELL WHERE
YOU'RE THROWING.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

FUCK THIS.

LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY SPILLED
THE MILKY.

AND SHIT THE BED.

ENOUGH OF YOUR GAMES, BRO,
LET'S GO.

others: OH, NO.

YOU THROW THAT SHIT
AT ME?

YOU CAN'T THROW THAT SHIT
AT ME, BRO.

CALM DOWN,
CALM DOWN.

NO!

BETTER RUN, ZELLMAN, BEFORE
HE KICKS YOUR ASS.

HE CAN CONTROL IT.
I KNOW YOU CAN CONTROL IT!

HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY!
STOP!

STOP! HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY.

OOH, WHY DON'T YOU GO
BLOW YOUR SNAKE?

HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY!

HE CAN CONTROL THAT SHIT!
YOU CAN CONTROL THAT SHIT!

HE HAS CEREBRAL PALSY!

HE'S GOING TO HAVE
THIS BAT...

YOU DON'T BRING THAT
SHIT AT ME, BRO!

COME ON!

I'M GOING TO BEAT
THE CRAPPER OUT OF YOU!

AH, YEAH, CHILL OUT DUDE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
PUT ME ON THE DISABLED LIST?

OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S IT!

DUDE, COME HERE, COME HERE.
HURRY UP.

DAMN IT. HE'S GOT THE SPRAY
PAINT AGAIN.

AH! I AM GOING TO
DESTROY THIS PLACE!

CRASH DAVIS?

WHAT?

JAKE TAYLOR? HAM HOLDER?
LOU BAKER?

WHAT ARE YOU, A RECRUIT?

I THINK HE'S IN THERE,
CHIEF.

YOU GUYS, HOLD HIM DOWN,
HOLD HIM DOWN.

JUST RELAX.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
DUDE, DUDE.

DON'T GO IN THERE.

YOU DEFINITELY DON'T
WANNA GO IN THERE.

THAT'S WHERE YOU WANNA GO.

OKAY.

THIS OUGHT TO BE GOOD.

[ flies buzzing ]

*

[ toilet flushes ]

*

DAMN IT, CHASTITY, A CATCHER
NEVER TAKES OFF HIS CUP.

CHASTITY, A CATCHER NEVER
TAKES OFF HIS CUP--

UGH.

I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE THE GUY, OH...

YOU'RE THE GUY GUY.

OKAY.

SURE GLAD WE GOT YOU LAMBDA BOYS
TO WRITE THESE PAPERS FOR US.

IT'S THE ONLY THING KEEPING OUR
TEAM G.P.A HIGH ENOUGH

TO EVEN STAY IN SCHOOL.

[ yawning loudly ]

CHASTITY AND BETTY JANE.

WE CALL CHASTITY "HOMEWORK"
BECAUSE WE ALL DO...

WELL, YOU GET IT.

HERE'S THE CASH AND SEVEN PLAYER
TICKETS FOR TONIGHT'S GAME.

GET THERE EARLY.

MAKE SURE YOU GET YOURSELF
A GOOD SEAT.

THROW AT SHARIF AGAIN?

OH, LOSE YOUR CUP AGAIN?

NO, SHE'S STILL INSIDE.

HEY, DID THE RECRUIT
FIND YOU?

WHAT RECRUIT?

FUCK.

HEY, THERE.

YOU'RE THE RECRUIT.
OKAY.

SO, THAT WAS JUST A FUN
RECRUIT-HAZING THING

THAT WE LIKE TO DO.

HOW YA DOIN'?
FRANK BENDER.

[ gong sound]

UM, SO...

IS THIS YOUR SCHEDULE? HUH?

YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.

OH...IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE
A PITCHER.

THAT'S GOOD.

WE NEED A NUMBER ONE TO REPLACE
ZELLMAN NEXT YEAR.

SO...

HOW GOOD ARE YOU?

YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH,
DO YOU?

AWESOME.

NO, LAST WEEKEND
OF THE SEASON

AND I GET THE GUY THAT
I CAN'T COMMUNICATE WITH.

PERFECT.

OF COURSE, SCHOOL DOESN'T ACCEPT
ANY OF OUR GOOD RECRUITS ANYWAY,

SO THIS SHOULD BE FUN.

[ talking louder] SAYS HERE
YOU'RE MEETING PRESIDENT PRATT

AT 11 A.M. THIS MORNING.

OH, HOW I LOVE HER.

AND, OH, HOW I LOVE YOU.

OH, LOOK, IT'S THE WICKED WITCH
OF THE WEST.

AND HER LITTLE FLYING
MONKEY BOY.

DON'T THROW YOUR POOP
IN HERE, MYRON.

NICE TO MEET YOU, HAYES.
PARKING LOT RIGHT OVER THERE.

HOW YOU DOING?

HOW YOU DOING?

MY MAN.

HE'S QUOTING "MAJOR LEAGUE,"
MR. BENDER.

IF YOU HAD...

READ YOUR RECRUIT GUIDE LIKE YOU
WERE SUPPOSED TO,

YOU WOULD KNOW THAT THE ONLY
ENGLISH HE KNOWS ARE QUOTES

FROM AMERICAN BASEBALL MOVIES.

[ gong ]

NICE TO SEE SOMEONE SHOW A
LITTLE RESPECT

TO THE PRESIDENT OF
THIS INSTITUTION.

WELL, I WOULD STAND UP, BUT

YOU JUST DON'T DO IT FOR ME,
PRESIDENT PRATT.

WORKS FOR YOU, THOUGH,
DOESN'T IT, SEGAL?

WANT A SACK LUNCH?

VERY CLEVER, MR. BENDER, BUT
THE SIMPLE FACT IS

YOU ARE THE HOST OF
MR. PHAN QUAN,

OUR TOP RECRUIT THIS YEAR.

[ snaps ]

QUAN'S FATHER PLAYED ON THE '83
NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM.

HE'S FROM SAIGON.

QUAN CHI PROVINCE--
I FIGURED THAT OUT BY WATCHING
HIS SUBMISSION VIDEO.

HIS DIALECT IS DERIVATIVE
OF THAT AREA.

UM, HE WAS MVP OF HIS LEAGUE.

AND LAST YEAR, HE HAD A
.023 ERA.

ERA?

GOOD ONE, MORON, MYRON.

I BET HE LIKES LONG WALKS
ON THE BEACH,

EATS A LOT OF NOODLES,
AND WINDS DOWN THE NIGHT
WITH A GOOD SODUKU PUZZLE.

AM I RIGHT?

UNLIKE YOU, HE BRINGS A
MUCH-NEEDED LEVEL OF CLASS,

SOPHISTICATION, AND INTEGRITY
TO THIS PROGRAM.

SOMETHING WE HAVEN'T HAD HERE
IN A VERY LONG TIME.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER NOTICED WHAT
LONG FINGERS YOU HAVE.

IN YOUR WORLD, WHAT DO THEY
CONSIDER THAT?

IS THAT WELL-HUNG?

IS THAT LESBIAN HUMOR?

IMPRESSIVELY ORIGINAL,
I SUPPOSE.

BUT AS YOU KNOW, I DO HAVE
DAUGHTERS, PROVING OTHERWISE.

YES, I DO KNOW YOUR DAUGHTERS.

LOVELY, UPSTANDING, GOD-FEARING,
CLASSY WOMEN.

WE MET IN BIBLE STUDY.

WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING THAT'S
NOT SO LOVELY:

YOUR TEAM THIS YEAR HAS
COMPLAINTS FROM NUMEROUS

ORGANIZATIONS AND PERSONS
AROUND CAMPUS,

INCLUDING PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS,

DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY,
AND LEWD BEHAVIOR.

[ chuckles ]
JUST WAIT UNTIL THE COMPLAINTS
FROM LAST NIGHT COME IN.

HUH, HUH?

YEAH, YOU DON'T
EVEN GET IT.

UM, HEY, WOULD YOU MAKE SURE
YOU SHOW HIM THE RECRUIT VIDEO,
BY THE WAY?

WE DON'T WANT HIM GETTING
THE WRONG IMPRESSION

OR ANYTHING HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[ President Pratt snickering ]

OH, DON'T YOU WORRY,
MR. BENDER.

WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU,

EVERYONE WILL KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE ALL ABOUT.

AND WHEN THEY DO, I WILL SEE
TO IT THAT YOU

AND YOUR LITTLE BAND OF
WASHOUTS WILL BE SQUASHED...

LIMPER THAN YOU
COULD EVER IMAGINE.

ALTHOUGH, IT SEEMS MY WORK MAY
ALREADY BE DONE.

WELL, I'M POST-COITAL, SO THAT'S
WHY THAT'S HAPPENING.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I HAVE A NEW STUDENT/ALUMNI
BANQUET TO PREPARE.

MYRON.

AND BENDER DRIVES ONE DEEP
BACK TO THE WALL

AND OUTTA HERE.

YOU KNOW, I KNEW IT WOULD NEVER
WORK OUT BETWEEN US.

AFTER ALL, I'M A LEO,

AND SHE'S A BITCH.

OKAY...I'M JUST GONNA GO
GET DRESSED.

*

COME ON! COME ON!

LET'S GO!

LET'S GO!

[ deflated ]
LET'S GO.

SON OF A BITCH.

WE HAVEN'T HAD
ANYBODY COME OUT

TO WATCH THIS WRETCHED TEAM
IN YEARS.

THEY LOST THEIR TELEVISION
CONTRACT,

THEY DON'T DRAW DICK
FOR ATTENDANCE,

AND THEY BRING NOTHING
BUT SHAME,

BOTH TO THIS INSTITUTION
AND TO ME.

YES, BUT YOU CAN'T JUST,
YOU KNOW, END THE PROGRAM.

THERE'S TOO MUCH HISTORY.

HISTORY?

FUNDING THIS LOSING TEAM IS THE
ONLY HISTORY, MYRON!

AND I'LL NEVER BE NAMED TO THE
BOARD OF TRUSTEES WITH MY
NUMBERS IN THE RED.

PRESIDENT PRATT,

the athletic recruit
is still here.

[ hangs up ]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT BEING ON THE
BOARD WOULD MEAN?

UH, IT WOULD GIVE YOU FULL,
UNRESTRAINED, UNCHECKED CONTROL

OF EVERY BUDGET ON CAMPUS?

WE HAVEN'T WON A CHAMPIONSHIP
IN OVER 20 YEARS.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN COMPETITIVE
IN OUR OWN LEAGUE IN 10.

AND I ONLY GET A BONUS

FROM CLUBS AND ORGANIZATIONS
WHICH BRING IN A PROFIT.

TECHNICALLY, YOU CAN'T CALL IT
A BONUS.

YOU JUST TAKE THE REVENUE
GENERATED BY DIFFERENT CLUBS

AND DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE
YOU GOT IT FROM.

QUAN.

DO COME IN.

NEVER END A SENTENCE WITH A
PREPOSITION, MYRON.

YOU SOUND MORONIC WHEN
YOU DO THAT.

KONICHIWA.

BESIDES, YOU DO THE BOOKS.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING WILL BALANCE
OUT AT THE END OF THE DAY.

RIGHT?

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND SHIT.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WROTE UP
HIS BIO FOR THE RECRUIT GUIDE.

OWLS?

YES.

MYRON AND I LOVE QUO.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MYRON?

OH, YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A BIG FAN OF QUO

EVER SINCE I WAS A BOY.

MY FATHER SHOWED ME
MAGNIFICENT QUO.

IT WAS A RESCUE.
IT HAD ONE EYE.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.
ALWAYS BEEN A BIG FAN
SINCE THEN.

QUO.

QUO.

QUO, QUO.

QUO.

UH, YOU'VE RAISED 14,000 DOLLARS
FROM SIX CLUBS

THAT YOU STARTED
JUST LAST MONTH.

AND SINCE WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT MONEY,

I ACTUALLY HAVE NOT
BEEN PAID

FOR GETTING EVERYBODY TOGETHER
FOR THE WORLD RECORD CLUB,

AND WE'RE GETTING CLOSE TO
10,000 MEMBERS.

I THINK YOU SAID I WAS SUPPOSED
TO GET 5 PERCENT.

AND YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
GENERATING SOME MONEY,

OR FROM WHICH I'VE BEEN
GENERATING,

HAVING BEEN GENERATED--

ACTUALLY, IT WAS .05,

AND YOU SAID YOU WOULD COME UP
WITH A WAY TO GET RID OF

THAT MONEY-SUCKING
BASEBALL TEAM.

IS MONEY ALL YOU THINK ABOUT?

UM, WELL, THE WORLD RECORD CLUB
WAS WONDERING WHAT RECORD THEY
WANTED TO SET.

I WAS--

RECRUIT VIDEO.

QUO.

I HAVE A CONSTRUCTION TEAM
ON STAND-BY READY TO
TEAR DOWN THAT STADIUM

TO MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW,
STATE-OF-THE ART

JENNINE WORMER PRATT
CONVENTION CENTER.

AT THE NEW STUDENT/ALUMNI
BANQUET, I WILL ANNOUNCE
MY MASTER PLAN,

WHICH WILL SECURE MY SEAT
ON THE BOARD.

AT 500 DOLLARS PER
PARKING SPACE ALONE,

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I
COULD MAKE EACH SEMESTER?

YOU'RE A PRE-LAW
LITTLE RAT.

EITHER FIND ME A WAY TO GET
RID OF THAT TEAM,

OR FIND A WAY TO PAY YOUR
TUITION NEXT FALL.

I'm Chastity.

And I'm Betty Jane.

And we want you
to come here next year.

Whoo!

man in video:
Seriously, that's...

ARE THOSE YOUR DAUGHTERS?

And if you like tradition,

we've got something
you're gonna love.

[ laughing ]
Hold it.

Use your teeth only
right now.

Go, go, guzzle, guzzle!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I'd say we take pride
in that power.

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN.

NO WAY.
THIS ISN'T FAIR.

IT'S JUST TEN, MILK.

MILKY, COME ON, MAN.

THE COURT HAS SPOKEN.

[ speaking in Spanish ]

SEAN "MILKY" CRONIN,

KANGAROO COURT HAS SPOKEN.

AND FOR YOUR ACT OF PURCHASING
LIGHT, WATERED DOWN BEER

FOR OUR COMMUNITY GATHERING
LAST EVENING--

MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT TO
ACHIEVE INEBRIATION--

MAKING IT MORE DIFFICULT TO
ACHIEVE INEBRIATION FOR ALL
PARTIES INVOLVED--

AND FOR BEING THE WHITEST
WHITE BOY I HAVE EVER,
EVER, EVER SEEN--

AND FOR BEING THE WHITEST WHITE
BOY THAT MO HAS EVER, EVER, EVER
SEEN,

COURT HAS REACHED A FINAL
VERDICT OF TEN DOLLARS.

PUT IT IN.

[ all chanting again ]

GUYS, GUYS.

[ chanting abruptly stops ]

DID YOU FIND THEM?

I LOOKED EVERYWHERE,
MAN.

NOT IN THE BATTING CAGES,
NOT IN THE BULLPEN.

EVEN ASKED THE MAINTENANCE
CREW. NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

DAMN IT, JOHNSON.

WE ARE FACING SIMON TODAY,
A LEFTY.

HOW IN THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO TAKE SUCCESSFUL BP

WHEN WE DON'T HAVE A BUCKET
OF LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS?

FRESHMEN.

FRESHMEN!

FRESHMEN!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO TELL YOU.

I GUESS JUST KEEP LOOKING.

MAYBE CHECK IN WITH THE GUYS
IN THE PRESS BOX.

GO!

HUSTLE!

[ laughing ]
HOW LONG YOU GONNA
KEEP THIS GOING?

LONG ENOUGH FOR MILKY TO PUT IN
HIS GODDAMN MILK MONEY.

FINE.

OKAY, WHO IS NEXT?

WHAT ABOUT YOU, PURR KITTY?

WHAT?

[ music starts ]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

* Purr kitty, purr kitty

* Wanna touch that fur, kitty

* I'm gonna rub your belly

* Please don't bite me
when I do it, kitty *

THAT IS AT LEAST 15 DOLLARS.
THAT'S WHAT THE HELL THAT IS.

* Without me, kitty,
you'd soon be lost *

* but I nabbed you up
and found you *

HEY, I MONETIZED THAT, BRO.

THAT HELPED ME PAY
FOR MY BOOKS.

LIKE YOU KNOW HOW
TO READ.

OKAY,

IF I AM GETTING FINED
FOR THAT,

HE SHOULD BE FINED
AT LEAST 25 DOLLARS

FOR THAT HUGE SOFTBALL CHICK
THAT HE HOOKED UP WITH
LAST NIGHT.

THAT GIRL WAS A BEAST.
OH, YEAH!

ZELLMAN AND BEAST,
ZELLMAN AND BEAST!

*

ZELLMAN AND BEAST!

HOLD ON, WAIT A SECOND.

THAT WAS A SLUMPBUSTER,
THAT DON'T COUNT.

WHAT'S A SLUMPBUSTER?

IT'S WHEN YOU HOOK UP WITH THE
UGLIEST CHICK YOU CAN FIND.

IT GETS YOU OUT OF YOUR HEAD SO
YOU BREAK YOUR SLUMP.

I'M NOT EVEN FROM HERE,
I KNOW WHAT A SLUMPBUSTER IS.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU DO.

YOU CAN'T FINE ME
FOR A SLUMPBUSTER.

I MEAN, I'M 1 AND 12
THIS SEASON.

I WAS TAKING ONE
FOR THE TEAM.

PUT IT IN.

all chanting:
PUT IT IN.

WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON HERE?

WE'RE TRYING TO FINE ZELLMAN 25
DOLLARS FOR THAT CHICK

HE WAS WITH LAST NIGHT.

I SAW THAT POOR GIRL.

SHOULD BE AT LEAST 50!

all: OH!

[ loud laughter ]

PUT IT IN.

NOW LET'S GO WARM UP BEFORE
COACH D GETS PISSED.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GO, BOYS.

COURT ADJOURNED.

*

*

AND GOOD AFTERNOON,
EVERYONE.

BRANDON MARCUS AT THE HELM
ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SATURDAY

AS OREM A&M WILL TAKE ON
RIVAL OGDEN COMMUNITY COLLEGE

IN THE FIRST OF A
TWO-GAME SERIES.

OREM COMES IN WITH A PATHETIC
5 AND 51 RECORD,

AND FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE,

IT'S A DAMN GOOD THING THAT THIS
SEASON'S COMING TO AN END.

I AM ONCE AGAIN JOINED HERE
IN THE BOOTH BY THE

ALWAYS LOVELY, CHARMING,
AND CHEERFUL CHLOE GRACE.

[ sharpening her knife ]

AFTER TOMORROW, SHE SHOULD GET
THAT FINAL P.E. CREDIT

SHE NEEDS TO GRADUATE

AND GO DO WHATEVER IT IS
THAT SHE DOES.

[ talking and cheering
loudly ]

THERE GO YOU.

THERE GO YOU.

AND THIS ALL ME
RIGHT HERE.

COACH DESHIELDS IS GOING TO TURN
TO THE CONSISTENT SOUTH CLAW,

JIMMY ZELLMAN,

WHILE THE RAPTORS, WELL,

THEY'RE GONNA GO TO
SAM SEAGER.

HE'S A LAST-MINUTE REPLACEMENT
FOR TRAVIS SIMON,

WHO APPARENTLY NOW IS UNDER
ACADEMIC PROBATION.

I GUESS THE FULL COMMUNITY
COLLEGE SCHEDULE

IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HIM.

IF YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN,

I WILL STAB YOU.

OOH, I LIKE IT!

WHERE'S MY MUSTARD?

KETCHUP?

ARE Y'ALL ASKING
FOR CONDIMENTS?

YES.

YOU NEED A BAT BOY TO GET YOUR
CONDIMENTS, HONEY.

I BROUGHT HOT DOGS.

THAT'S YOU.

THAT'S ALL YOU NEED.

THIS IS ME RIGHT HERE.

OKAY?

GO OWLZ!

I THINK SOMEONE DROPPED
THIS OFF FOR YOU.

OH, VERY NICE.
SET IT RIGHT HERE, PLEASE.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOOK
A STAND, DAD.

WELL, THE TIME HAS COME FOR
SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT THEIR FOOT
DOWN.

AND THAT FOOT IS ME.

TRY TO HIT THIS ONE,
PUTO...

THE JUMPING FRIJOL.

COME ON, ROSIE.

THANKS FOR THE BREEZE!
[ laughing ]

NO WONDER YOU NEVER WIN
A DAMN GAME.

YOU JERKOFFS NEVER TAKE
ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.

MY BAD, COACH.

OH, SHUT UP.

THIS IS THE TEAM I GOT.

HEY, THROW ME ONE INSIDE.

WATCH.

others: OH!

OH, LOOK OUT!
LOOK OUT!

[ players all cheering ]

WHOO, WHOO!

YEAH!

Sharif: OH, YEAH!

HOW DO THESE APPLES
TASTE NOW, BABY?!

PLEASE RISE
FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

TAKE YOUR HATS OFF,
TAKE YOUR HATS OFF.

IT'LL BE SUNG TODAY
BY GERT LALOOSH,

LAST YEAR'S FIRST RUNNER-UP
OF "OREM'S GOT TALENT,"

RADIO VERSION.

[ laughing ]
I CAN SEE WHY SHE WON
THE RADIO VERSION.

SHE'LL BE JOINED TODAY
BY OUR FIRST BASEMAN,
ROBERT ROSENBLATT.

THOUGHT SHE WAS SUPPOSED
TO SING WHEN IT'S OVER.

WE'RE 5 AND 51...

SHE SANG A LONG TIME AGO.

RONALD ROSENBLATT.

RONALD ROSENBLATT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

[ bad singing and
guitar-playing ]

* Oh, say, can you see,

* by the dawn's early light

* what so proudly we hailed

* at the twilight's last
gleaming? *

* Whose broad stripes
and bright stars *

* through the perilous fight?

IS IT ALL RIGHT
IF I KEEP THIS?

* were so gallantly streaming? *

* And the rockets' red glare *

* the bombs bursting in air *

* gave proof through the night

* that our flag was
still there *

SORRY I'M LATE, COACH.

I WAS DOING, UH,

HOMEWORK.

HONEST.

* Oh, say does that banner
yet wave? *

* O'er the land of the free

* and the home of the brave?

MAN, WHERE ARE MY
GAME CLEATS?

[ riffs guitar ]

GLAD THAT'S OVER.

THANK YOU!

Brandon: Looks like Zellman
is suffering

from another case of frostbite.

LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH
FUCKING PROBLEMS.

[ muttering ]
LIKE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
FUCKING PROBLEMS.

NOW BATTING:

Henry Jones.

[ playing theme from
"Indiana Jones" ]

I NAMED THE DOG
"INDIANA."

ROSIE!
[ giggles ]

ROSIE!

WHOO! ROSIE!

LOOK WHAT WE GOT
FOR YOU, BABY!

THAT'S ALL YOU.
THIS IS ALL YOU.

ROSIE, I WANNA BE
ON FIRST BASE.

About to get underway here
at Owlz Park as Bender

lays down the sign,
and off we go.

Zellman delivers...

AND HITS JONES.

Looks like Jimmy Z.
tried to sneak

THE OLD PALSY PITCH BY

SINCE THE BATTER DOESN'T KNOW
WHERE IT'S COMING FROM.

Unfortunately, neither
does Zellman.

WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?

STOP.

COME ON, ZELLMAN.

COME ON, SON!

YOU GOT 99 PROBLEMS,
BUT A TWITCH AIN'T ONE.

LET'S GO!

Chloe: Now batting:
Easton Campbell.

OH, IT'S MR. BIGSTICK.

Brandon: Easton Campbell steps
in with .450 lifetime against
Zellman.

But then again, who isn't?

OF COURSE, I AM TALKING ABOUT
YOUR BAT, NOT YOUR PENIS.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT YOU GOT
A LITTLE ONE.

Zellman looks in to get
his sign,

and the pitch.

Campbell swings, and this one
to shallow right field.

Out goes Maurer,
in comes Johnson,

and the ball will drop
between the two of them.

SON OF A BITCH.

WELL PLAYED, MAURER.

And here comes Maurer to run
the ball to Zellman

because, apparently,
he couldn't throw the ball.

IF HE SHOWED THAT MUCH HUSTLE
ON THE POP FLY,

MAYBE WE'D HAVE
AN OUT.

COME ON!
LET'S GO!

Chloe: Now batting:
Sam Seager.

girls: WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK!

MMMM!

I HATE COMING
TO THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!

In steps Sam Seager,

hitting .600 lifetime
against Zellman.

And the pitch.

Seager swings and sends one
to center field that's gonna
drop in for a base hit.

One will score.
The throw comes in
to Rodriguez,

the relay throw home.

The tag is applied,
and he's out.

OUT!

HEY, HEY, HEY!
THAT'S BULLSHIT.

Frank Bender going back
to Mr. Reliable.

MAN, HE'S GOT SOME GREAT
ACCIDENTAL AIM WITH THAT MASK.

[ girls laughing loudly ]

GOT ONE!

DON'T BE MAD

JUST 'CAUSE THEY DIDN'T
CALL IT YOUR WAY.

THAT'S THE WAY
YOU'RE GONNA PLAY IT, HUH?

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE
GOT HACK MAN ALREADY.

OKAY, CHARLIE CHUMP,
I GOT YOUR NUMBER.

CHARLIE CHUMP.

I SHOULD GO?

BE MY GUEST.

YOU GOTTA PAY 'EM,
LIKE WE DO.

TIME, BLUE.

TIME!

COACH KASSEM BOSCO
IS HEADING TO THE MOUND,

which doesn't look good
for Zellman.

WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I DO HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY,

BUT BESIDES THAT,
I'M FINE.

I HAD TO ASK.

WHAT'S HE THROWING,
FRANK?

I DON'T KNOW,
I HAVEN'T CAUGHT ONE YET.

SHUT UP AND LET ME PITCH.
GET BACK TO YOUR PLATE.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED
IS RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BECOME
VERY HAPPY.

WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!

YOU GOTTA WORK IT!
WHOO!

And the Raptors lead
3, nothing

here in the bottom
of the second.

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK!

Now batting:
Ronald Rosenblatt.

DO IT THIS YEAR,
NOT NEXT YEAR.

And here comes
Ronald Rosenblatt,

hoping those extra Twinkies
give him a little bit more power

in this at-bat.

Anxiously awaiting the pitch,
and here it is.

Swings the lazy fly ball
to right field.

And it's an easy out.

WE STILL LOVE YOU!

I STILL HAVE
LOVE FOR YOU, PAPI!

NOW BATTING: FRANK BENDER.

[ making crowd cheering sound ]
AHHH.

HAWAIIAN TROPIC, WHAT'S UP?
WAKE UP, YOU'RE PITCHING NEXT.

ZELLY, KEEP THAT SHOULDER ICED,
BUDDY.

AT LEAST THAT WAY,
IT CAN PITCH TOMORROW.

UP, DICK.

Leading off in the
bottom of the second

WILL BE THE ONCE PROMISING
PLAYER, FRANK BENDER.

HEY, BENDER!

And earning .310 during his
freshman year

and .305 during his
sophomore season,

hitting just .115 this year.

STRIKE!

PRETTY SURE I WAS
GONNA HIT THAT ONE.

SOME BLAME THE DROP IN HIS
AVERAGE ON COLLEGES' DECISION

TO USE WOODEN BATS
THIS SEASON.

Or it could be Bender's choice
to go from a 34 to 33-inch bat,

IN HOPES OF GAINING A LITTLE
BIT OF BAT SPEED.

WHERE I COME FROM,

MOST GUYS TRY TO GAIN
AN INCH.

WHAT DOES A GUY WITH A SMALL
PENIS EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

NO IDEA.

ME NEITHER.
THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING YOU.

STAY LATE NOW.
TAKE IT THE OTHER WAY.

COME ON!
COME ON, FRANKIE!

GIVE IT TO US!

COME ON, FRANK.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
STAY LATE NOW!

Now the one-strike pitch
to Bender,

a swing and a line drive
into foul territory

and it hits Hootz
in the head.

OKAY!

Ouch, man down.

That's gotta hurt.

COME ON, FRANKIE!

GIVE IT TO US!
COME ON!

HEY.

PFFT, THAT IS NOT A SNAKE.

THIS IS A SNAKE.

AYE, PUTA!

WHAT, YOU TAKING PICTURES
OF YOUR LITTLE DICK?

YOU AIN'T IN CONGRESS YET.

IS THAT MY FUCKING PHONE?

OH, HELL NO.
I AIN'T TOUCHING THAT SHIT.

LOOK AT THAT.

LOOK AT THAT
LITTLE BITTY THING.

YOU AIN'T EVEN CIRCUMCISED.

THAT'S SOME WHITE BOY SHIT.

WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE MINE.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED THE WHOLE
MEGA--THE JUMBOTRON.

THEY GONNA BE SINGING
"WORK IT HARD, WORK IT"

WHEN THEY SEE MY SHIT.

FRANKIE BENDER!

YOU CAN BEND ME OVER,
BABY!

COME ON, FRANK,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

STAY LATE NOW!

The 0-2 pitch,
and down goes Bender.

WHOO!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT! YEAH!

NOT THAT LATE.

We start the ninth inning,

and the only Owlz highlights
so far

IS THAT THEY'RE GONNA FINISH
THIS GAME IN TIME

FOR ME TO HEAD HOME AND CATCH
THE LATEST EPISODE

OF "BITTER OLD BITCHES"
ON SPIKE NETWORK.

STRIKE THREE!

WE LOST 51 NOW?

THAT MANY?

I STOPPED COUNTING.

I DIDN'T THINK
YOU COULD LOSE THAT MANY
IN A SEASON.

WE DID.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 61 PLAYERS
IN MAJOR LEAGUE HISTORY

STRUCK OUT 5 TIMES
IN A SINGLE GAME?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 1991,
SAM HORN FROM THE BALTIMORE

ORIOLES WAS THE ONLY GUY
TO STRIKE OUT 6 TIMES?

TITANIUM SOMBRERO.

DOESN'T COUNT,
IT'S EXTRA INNINGS.

IT STILL DOES COUNT.

Now batting: Andrew Yen.

HE THROWS HARD.

REALLY?

NO, IT DOESN'T.

[ replies in Spanish ]

YO, BOSCO,

COACH D WAS A PRETTY GOOD HITTER
BACK IN THE DAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE CAN DO
AGAINST PITCHING LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE .325?

.325?

YOU GOTTA REMEMBER,

HE IS IN HIS 60s.

HEY, I'M GONNA BE
RIGHT BACK, FELLAS.

WHO'S IN HIS 60s?

HMM, THOUGHT I SMELLED SOMETHING
DOWN HERE THAT DOESN'T SMELL

LIKE THE INSIDE
OF AN OLD SHOE.

THANK YOU?

THAT IS A COMPLIMENT,
ACTUALLY.

AH, IT'S THE RECRUIT.

HOW'S THE TOUR?

[ gong sound ]

FRANK BENDER!

DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

NO, NOT A WORD.
NO. OKAY.

FRANK BENDER,
GREAT COLLEGE CATCHER,

YOU ARE HITTING THE BALL WELL
OUT THERE, I SEE.

THANK YOU.

WERE YOU TOO BUSY DOING
HOMEWORK?

OR IS YOUR BATTING AVERAGE
SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT?

WELL, TO ERR IS HUMAN.

TO BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE
SHOWS MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T ARGUE
WITH AN IDIOT.

HE'LL JUST DRAG YOU DOWN
TO HIS LEVEL

AND THEN BEAT
YOU WITH EXPERIENCE.

THANK YOU, MARK TWAIN.

OF COURSE, I DO REMEMBER YOU
BEATING ME DOWN WITH EXPERIENCE

OVER IN THE BULLPEN CLOSET.

YOU WOULD REMEMBER THAT.

I DO THAT REMEMBER THAT.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

HOLD ON, I'M REMEMBERING IT.

OKAY, CONTINUE.

YOU STILL DON'T TAKE
ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.

THAT IS WHY YOU DON'T
GET ANYTHING RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME.

WELL, THE TROUBLE WITH GETTING
SOMETHING RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

IS THAT NO ONE APPRECIATES
HOW HARD IT ACTUALLY WAS.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU.

I JUST TALKED TO TWO GUYS
IN THE PRESS BOX.

THEY SAID THAT TWO BUCKETS
OF LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS

WERE LEFT OUT HERE LAST NIGHT,
BUT THE SECURITY GUARD
PICKED IT UP.

THEY WERE LEFT OUT?
HAVE YOU CHECKED WITH SECURITY?

YEAH, HE SAID THEY
WERE DOWN HERE.

OKAY, I DON'T SEE A BUCKET
OF CURVEBALLS DOWN HERE.

COME ON, JOHNSON.

AND WHY THE HELL IS YOUR HAT
ON BACKWARDS?

SHOW A MODICUM OF RESPECT
FOR THE GAME, SON.

THANK YOU.
KEEP LOOKING.

CLASSIC.
THANK YOU.

LEFT-HANDED
CURVEBALLS?
YEAH.

I AM SURPRISED YOU
DON'T HAVE HIM

LOOKING FOR THE KEYS
TO THE BATTER'S BOX.

GOD, I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE
THAT ONE NEXT.

YEAH, GIVE ME CREDIT.

SEE, YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS,
AS WELL.

I KNOW.

GOD, I LOVE THE IGNORANCE
OF OUR YOUTHFUL FRESHMEN.

THEY TAKE IT.

YOU DO HAVE A THING
FOR FRESHMAN,

ESPECIALLY THE IGNORANT ONES.

I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT,
DIDN'T I?

WELL, YOU SET THEM UP,
I HAD TO KNOCK THEM DOWN.

THANK YOU,
I APPRECIATE THAT.

With two outs and nobody on,

the Owlz are looking
for a miracle.

The pitch...

ground ball hit over
to third.

He's got it, throws over
to first.

And that'll do it.

Drive home safely,
everyone.

IT'S OKAY,
IT'S OKAY!

WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW!
WE'RE GONNA BE RIGHT HERE!

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO LATER?

OKAY. GOOD TALK, GOOD TALK.

AT LEAST WE DIDN'T END
ON A TRIPLE PLAY LIKE
LAST TIME.

DID YOU KNOW THE TWINS TURNED
TWO TRIPLE PLAYS IN ONE GAME
IN 1990?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN 1930,

KEN ASH WALKED INTO A GAME,
THREW ONE PITCH,

AND GOT THE CUBBIES TO HIT
INTO A TRIPLE PLAY,
ENDING THE GAME?

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU TWO
NUMBNUTS DON'T EVER HAVE

A CHANCE AT GETTING LAID?

YEAH.

GUESS THAT'S
THE BALLGAME.

GUESS IT IS.

WE'LL BE BACK!
WE'LL BE BACK!

WE'RE GONNA GO OVER
THE PLAYS.

GO OVER YOUR PLAYS!
IT'S GONNA BE GOOD.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

GO OWLZ, GO OWLZ!
WHOO!

OKAY, THEN.

ONE HUNDRED MILLION SPERM,
AND HE WAS THE FASTEST.

IT'S A SIMPLE GAME.

YOU THROW THE BALL,

YOU HIT THE BALL,

YOU CATCH THE BALL.

SOMETIME YOU WIN,

SOMETIME YOU LOSE...

[ both ]
SOMETIMES IT RAINS.

[ gong sound ]

THINK ABOUT THAT
FOR A WHILE.

COME ON.

YOU ARE GONNA HELP US
WIN THESE ONE DAY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING.

THAT'S OKAY.

WE GOT A STRONG THERE,
MAN.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HICKORY IS
THE STRONGEST HARDWOOD?

WITH A COMPARATIVE STRENGTH
OF 9,210 PSI?

DID YOU KNOW I GOT
A HARDWOOD, PUTO?

YOU EVER HEARD OF
THAT MELATONIN STUFF?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT YOU SHOULD
TAKE IT WITH TRYPTOPHAN.

TRYPTOPHAN, THAT'S THE STUFF
IN TURKEYS?

YEAH.

AH.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE TO
GET SOME OF THAT BECAUSE,

YEAH, I'VE GOT INSOMNIA.

SO, IF I GOT A SUBPOENA
FOR A BLOOD TEST,

SHOULD I BE WORRIED?

HEY, YO, AIN'T THAT
YOUR SLUMPBUSTER?

HI, JIMMY.

OH, HEY, XENA.

I WANTED TO BRING MY TEAMMATES
BY TO SEE IF YOU COULD HELP THEM
OUT, TOO.

HELP THEM?

YEAH. XENA WAS 0 FOR HER
LAST 11 UNTIL TONIGHT.

[ crowd cheering ]

[ players laughing
hysterically ]

BOOM!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHOA, OKAY.

SO, THE Z MAN WAS YOUR
SLUMPBUSTER?

[ all laughing ]

OKAY, OKAY.

ANYWAYS, I WANTED TO MAKE
THE INTRODUCTION

AND SEE IF MAYBE YOU COULD
HELP THEM OUT, TOO.

SO, YOU LADIES EVER BEEN
WITH A CRIPPLE BEFORE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO?

YOU KNOW, THEY CALL ME
"THE HUMAN VIBRATOR."

WE'RE OUTTA HERE.

MY CRIPPLE.
MY CRIPPLE.

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS,

I GUESS I'M GONNA GO
BUST SOME SLUMPS.

Mo: I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T.

AND WHAT ARE YOU
IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD FOR?

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE BUMMED
AFTER TODAY'S GAME.

WHY?

YOU STRUCK OUT
FIVE TIMES.

I STRUCK OUT
FIVE TIMES TODAY?

MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE
IF I HAD A BUCKET

OF GODDAMN LEFT-HANDED
CURVEBALLS, JOHNSON!

BUT YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE A CATCHER.

FRESHMAN.

BEER?

OH, BEER...

THE REASON I GET UP
EVERY AFTERNOON.

IS EVERYBODY
DRESSED IN THERE?

THERE'S A GIRL
COMING IN.

HI.

HEY, EVERYBODY.

DOES EVERYBODY HAVE THEIR
CLOTHES ON IN THERE?

QUAN.

HEY, BUDDY, OVER HERE.

HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS
SEEN FRANK?

CAITLIN.

HI, MAURICE.

CAITLIN.

HI.

YOU LOOK...

WOW.

THANK YOU.

UH, I BROUGHT YOU QUAN.

REMEMBER, TAKE HIM OUT,
SHOW HIM A GOOD TIME,

BUT DON'T KEEP HIM
OUT TOO LATE.

WE'VE GOTTA SHOW HIM AROUND THE
ACADEMIC VILLAGE IN THE MORNING.

WHY ARE YOU SO
DRESSED UP?

BECAUSE SHE'S
MY DATE TONIGHT.

DATE FOR WHAT?

UM, MYRON IS BEING HONORED
FOR HIS CONTRIBUTIONS

TO THE SCHOOL
AT THE ANNUAL BENEFIT.

I WAS HANDPICKED
BY PRESIDENT PRATT.

IF YOU CHOKE A SMURF,
WHAT COLOR DOES IT CHANGE?

AND CAITLIN WAS HANDPICKED
BY ME.

UM, PLEASE BE CAREFUL
WITH HIM.

IF HE DECIDES TO GO HERE
NEXT YEAR,

IT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING
FOR THE TEAM.

THEY COULD GET ROGER CLEMENS
IN HERE,

AND IT WOULD NOT HELP THIS
IDIOT TEAM.

HEY, MYRON, UM...

JUST WONDERING,

DOES CROWDED ELEVATORS
SMELL DIFFERENT TO A MIDGET?

[ stammering ]
LITTLE PEOPLE HAVE A...
THEY DON'T...

I'M NOT EVEN SHORT,
MAKES NO SENSE, SO...

I'VE SEEN TYPES
LIKE YOU BEFORE,

BUT ONLY, I HAD TO
PAY ADMISSION.

[ chuckling ]

FOR WHICH TO SEE
THE, THE PEOPLE

LIKE YOU WERE THERE

'CAUSE...

THIS IS...

IT'S LIKE, IT'S AT THE CIRCUS,
UH, CIRCUS ADMISSION.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN HERE?

IT'S A PRIVATE
PLAYER AREA.

HI, DAD.

TOUGH ONE TODAY, HUH?

IT'S ALWAYS TOUGH.

MR. DESHIELDS.

HI, SEGAL.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN GOOD HANDS
WITH ME TONIGHT, SIR.

YEAH, WELL....

GLAD SHE'S TAKEN CARE OF.

DON'T STAY OUT
LATE TONIGHT.

I KNOW, I KNOW,

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

BYE, DAD.

COME ON, MYRON,
WE GOTTA GO.

THANKS, FRANK.

NO PROBLEM.

BYE, GUYS.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH,

I'M FINE.

WE'RE NOT A TEAM ANYMORE,

SHE CAN DATE WHOMEVER
SHE WISHES.

MYRON?

HEY, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOW
THE RECRUIT A GOOD TIME, RIGHT?

WELL, THEN LET'S SHOW THE
RECRUIT A GOOD FUCKING TIME.

[ girls laughing ]

IT'S TIGHT.
YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

TWIZZLER?

ALWAYS PUT THE CHAIR
UP LIKE THIS.

WHY?

BECAUSE THE TIGER CAN'T
FOCUS ON ONE LEG,
THERE'S FOUR THINGS.

SO, THE TIGER CAN'T
GET YOU.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT
THAT HUMAN VIBRATOR THING.

OKAY, WELL, FIRST YOU'RE
GONNA NEED TO TAKE

SOME OF MY SEIZURE MEDICATION.

RELOAD.

[ makes reload sound ]
KSH-KSH.

LOOK AT THESE
TWO FOOLS.

WHAT DO YOU
GUYS PLAY?

I'M A SHORTSTOP.

I PLAY SECOND BASE.

OH, NO.

OH, YEAH.
THEY'RE GOIN' AT IT.

LOOK AT IT,
LOOK AT THIS.

I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A PING PONG
MATCH THAT DOESN'T END.

DID YOU KNOW THAT A BASEBALL
HAS 108 STITCHES,

ALL SEWN BY HAND WITH
TWO STRAIGHT NEEDLES?

THIS IS JUST SAD.

I KNOW.

DO YOU SEW THEM
YOURSELF?

WELL, WE HAVE TO,

OR WE WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO PLAY.

IT MAKES STRONG
HANDS.

[ laughing ]

AWW, THAT SUCKS.

THAT SUCKS.

GIRLS IN AMERICA LIKE
GUYS THAT CAN DO TRICKS.

OH, LOOK AT ROSIE.
OH, MY GOD.

THEY ARE REPRESENTING
US TONIGHT.

DID HE JUST FLIP
HIS...?

YEAH, HE DID.

I GOT IT.

[ gong sound ]

CUTIE.

WHY WOULD YOU
TEACH HIM THAT?

I WAS JUST
GOOFING AROUND.

I DID IT YOU KNEW HE WAS
GONNA A BATTING DO THAT,
YOU KNEW THAT.

WHAT KIND OF GIRLS
YOU LIKE?

YEAH, SHAKE IT,
WHITE GIRL.

SHAKE IT.

OH, I LIKE THE
WHITE GIRL.

WIDE GIRLS.

THIS IS A PARTY?

NO, IT'S NOT A PARTY
UNTIL THE COPS SHOW UP, MAN.

THAT WAS NOLAN RYAN.

OREL HERSHISER
HAD THE BEST CURVEBALL--

EVENING, FOLKS.

FEW COMPLAINTS
OF NOISE LEVEL.

NOW, IT'S A PARTY.
IT'S A PARTY.

TOO LOUD?

OH.

WE'RE GONNA BRING IT
DOWN HERE.

ID'S, GRAB 'EM.

HUH?
WHAT?

WE'RE ALL 21.

RENT-A-COP AT ITS BEST.

ID'S FOLKS.

BEARD BOY, RIGHT HERE,
FRONT AND CENTER.

OH, NO, NOT ZELLMAN, NOT...

HOW MUCH HAVE YOU
HAD TO DRINK TONIGHT, SIR?

I THINK THERE'S A
MISUNDERSTANDING HERE, MAN.

I'M NOT DRUNK,
I HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY.

CERE-CER WHAT?

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG WORD
FOR A DRUNK ASS, SIR.

FRONT FORWARD,
WALK TOWARDS ME.

WOW, THIS IS GONNA BE A
DIFFICULT HANDCUFF JOB.

LOOK AT THAT.

TRY IT, STRAIGHT LINE,
EXACTLY.

A LITTLE TROUBLE, HUH?
A LITTLE TROUBLE.

RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.

IT'S BECAUSE I'M
AFRICAN-AMERICAN, ISN'T IT?

IT'S BECAUSE YOUR A DRUNK ASS.

YOU RACIST PRICK!

DON'T DROP THE SOAP!

HOW DO YOU LIKE AMERICA?

GOOD?

HERE YOU GO, BUDDY,
JUST LIKE YOU ORDERED.

ONE WIDE GIRL.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

THIS IS NUTS, MAN.

THIS IS--

YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW, I THOUGHT I'D
BE INTO THIS TONIGHT, BUT

I'M JUST NOT FEELING IT,
YOU KNOW?

I DO, BUT UM...

DOES CAITLIN KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M GONNA CALL IT.

SLEEP WELL.

HEY, DON'T WATER
THE BASELINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MCCAULIE?
YOU CAN LEAVE.

*

[ snoring ]

[ "Purr Kitty" playing
in background ]

YO, GUYS, COACH BOSCO
CALLED AN EMERGENCY MEETING.

LET'S GET UP AND GO.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

*

ALL RIGHT, SOBER UP NOW.

D'S GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW, HE JUST ASKED ME
TO GET YOU ALL DOWN HERE.

COACH, WHAT IS GOING ON?

Mo: WHAT'S GOING DOWN, COACH?

WELL, I GUESS PRESIDENT PRATT
ISN'T VERY HAPPY WITH US.

SHE INFORMS ME THAT,
ACCORDING TO CAMPUS BYLAWS,

THE SCHOOL CAN CUT
THE BASEBALL PROGRAM

AT THE END
OF THE SEASON.

THAT'S BULLSHIT.

THAT'S HORSESHIT.

THAT IS A CAMEL DUNG.

SHE CAN'T DO THAT, RIGHT?

ACTUALLY,

SHE CAN DO THAT.

YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.
THIS IS A PRIVATE PLAYER AREA.

SHOW ME A REAL PLAYER,
AND I'D BE HAPPY TO LEAVE.

[ snickering ]
JUST AS I THOUGHT.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU BOYS WILL
HAVE PLENTY TO DISCUSS.

I SURE HOPE YOU WIN.

BEST OF LUCK.
GO OWLZ.

[ laughing ]

THAT WOMAN NEEDS
SOME DICK.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE 50,000 DOLLARS
IN DEBT THIS YEAR.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT SAYS THAT SINCE WE LOST THE
TELEVISION CONTRACT,

AND SO MUCH MONEY GOES
INTO THE PROGRAM EACH YEAR

TO PAY FOR THE UNIFORMS
AND THE MERCHANDISING,

AND THE SCHOLARSHIPS,

THAT THE SCHOOL CAN NO LONGER
AFFORD TO KEEP US ACTIVE.

AND ANY PROGRAM THAT REFLECTS A
NEGATIVE BALANCE FOR 3 YEARS IN
A ROW

CAN BE TERMINATED AT THE
DISCRETION OF THE ACTIVE
PRESIDENT.

WHAT DO WE DO, COACH?

WELL, I GUESS SOME OF YOU
UNDERCLASSMEN CAN TRANSFER,

BUT GETTING SCHOLARSHIP MONEY
THIS LATE IN THE SEASON

CAN BE NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE.

DON'T TRANSFER STUDENTS HAVE TO
SIT OUT A YEAR?

YES.

SO, IF YOU UPPERCLASSMEN
WANNA TRANSFER--

WE'LL HAVE TO SIT OUT
A YEAR, TOO,

WHICH MEANS WE LOSE OUR
FINAL YEAR OF ELIGIBILITY
TO PLAY.

AND WE'LL NEVER PLAY AGAIN.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, COACH?

THIS IS WHERE YOU PLAYED.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN AN OWL.

IT AIN'T OVER
'TIL IT'S OVER.

PASS THAT AROUND.

I CAN'T LOSE MY SCHOLARSHIP.
I'LL HAVE TO DROP OUT.

I DEFINITELY CANNOT AFFORD
TO GO TO HERE.

HEY, GUYS,
WHAT'S GOING ON?

ZELLMAN, WHERE YOU BEEN,
MAN?

THE COPS KEPT ME IN THE
DRUNK TANK ALL NIGHT.

KEPT SAYING, "DAMN, BUDDY,
WHAT DID YOU DRINK?"

OKAY, THIS WILL SOBER
YOU UP.

PRATT'S GONNA AX
THE PROGRAM.

WHAT?

SO, COACH, WHAT DO WE DO?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

CAN'T YOU GET ANOTHER
COACHING JOB?

NO ONE WOULD EVER HIRE ME.
I NEVER EVEN PLAYED BASEBALL.

WHY DO YOU THINK I NEVER
HIT INFIELD OR THREW BP?

I USE TO SERVE SOUP IN THE
SCHOOL CAFETERIA.

YOU SERVED SOUP?

D FELT BAD FOR ME,
AND HE GAVE ME THIS JOB.

THE ONLY REASON I GOT ON THIS
TEAM IS MY UNCLE DONATED THE
SCOREBOARD.

I COULDN'T EVEN GET A BAT BOY
JOB COMING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL.

I KNEW YOU WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU A BAT BOY BITCH.

I KNEW IT, MILK!

FUCK YOU, MO!
SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!

YOU SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP!

YOU BOTH SHUT UP!

OH, WHAT DO YOU CARE?

HUH?

YOU'RE GRADUATING
THIS YEAR,

AND APPARENTLY, YOU'RE SLEEPING
WITH THE WHOLE DAMN SOFTBALL
TEAM.

OKAY, YES, THAT MAY BE TRUE,

BUT DO YOU THINK I WAS AN
EASY SELL COMING OUT
OF HIGH SCHOOL?

SHIT, MAN, LOOK AT ME!

COACH D WAS THE ONLY COACH WHO
EVEN GAVE ME A FUCKING CHANCE.

YEAH, I DON'T WANT COACH D
TO GO OUT LIKE THIS.

YOU GUYS, DATA'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, IF THIS
TEAM GOES DOWN,

WE ALL LOSE.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO DO?

WE GOTTA FIND A WAY
TO MAKE THAT MONEY.

FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS?

EVEN IF WE WERE TO SELL OUT
OUR LAST GAME,

WE WOULD STILL BE
WELL SHORT.

SELL OUT?

I MEAN, WE GOT LIKE
3 FANS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE FAT,
SO THAT'S LIKE 6,

BUT IT'S NOT NO SELL-OUT.

WHO WANTS TO COME WATCH US?
WE SUCK.

LOOK, WE'VE GOT 12 HOURS
TO DO SOMETHING,

SO WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT.

I HOPE SO.
I CAN'T GO BACK
TO THAT CAFETERIA.

DON'T WORRY, COACH.

NO SOUP FOR YOU.

WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

HEY, FRANK.

HMM?

WHERE'S THE RECRUIT?

OH, FUCK!

*

THAT'S RIGHT,

YOU AND YOUR CREW WILL
BE ABLE TO BEGIN

THE DEMOLITION MONDAY MORNING.

BUT JUST REMEMBER,

MY PARKING SPACE SHOULD BE
TWICE AS WIDE,

AND RIGHT UP FRONT.

WE'LL SEE YOU THEN.

I GET A PARKING SPACE
UP FRONT, TOO, RIGHT?

OH, SHUT UP, MYRON.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
NEXT TIME.

SO, WE'RE JUST GONNA
CUT THROUGH HERE,

WHICH'LL BRING US OUT
INTO THE STUDENT COURTYARD.

SO, CAN YOU TELL US MORE ABOUT
THE CLUB LIFE HERE?

SURE, YEAH.
WE'RE ACTUALLY ONE OF THE ONLY
UNIVERSITIES THAT COMBINES

STUDENTS AND PEOPLE FROM AROUND
TOWN TO FORM ACTIVITY CLUBS.

SO ANYONE CAN JOIN?

ABSOLUTELY.

PRESIDENT PRATT OPENED IT UP
TO THE PUBLIC IN AN EFFORT

TO BRING THE COMMUNITY
TOGETHER.

THERE IS A SMALL MONTHLY
MEMBERSHIP FEE--

SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU GUYS
SEEN THIS KID?

I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

HE PROBABLY TRIED TO SELL
YOU A WATCH OR SOMETHING.

UM, UH, JUST ONE
SECOND.

THE GUY LOOKS
LIKE JACKIE CHAN.

NO, NOTHING?

OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE USELESS.
THANK YOU.

[ P.A. announcement
for Alumni banquet ]

HI, HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN
THIS ASIAN KID?

PROBABLY TRIED TO SELL YOU
A WATCH OR SOMETHING.

HI, HAVE YOU GUYS
SEEN THIS KID?

FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

WHERE'S QUAN?

HELLO, LADIES.
WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?

I'M FRANK BENDER.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

QUAN?

[ gong sound ]

QUAN IS ONE OF THE CLUBS
HERE ON CAMPUS.

SEE, I AM THE, UH...

I'M THE CAPTAIN
OF THE QUAN CLUB.

WHAT'S THE QUAN CLUB?

YES, FRANK,

WHAT IS THE QUAN CLUB?

WELL, THE QUAN CLUB

IS A CLUB HERE
ON CAMPUS THAT...

THE BASEBALL TEAM SPONSORS.

SINCE THE AVERAGE LIFE
EXPECTANCY IN JAPAN

IS ONE OF THE LONGEST
IN THE WORLD,

WE GET TOGETHER
TO CELEBRATE THAT.

AND SING KARAOKE,

WHICH MEANS "EMPTY ORCHESTRA"
IN JAPANESE.

THAT'S A LITTLE TIDBIT FOR THOSE
OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW.

AND WE DO THAT

SO WE LIVE LONGER.

THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.

YEAH, I COULD PROBABLY GET MY
DAD TO SIGN UP, TOO.

MY MOM LOVES
TO SING.

THAT'S...YEAH--COULD I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

YEAH, SURE, YOU GOT
LOTS OF SECONDS.

IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING
ABOUT THE MEMBERSHIP DRIVE

OR SOMETHING COOL.

THIS IS A COOL CLUB.

IT'S COOL THEY REALLY CARE
ABOUT THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

WE DO

CARE ABOUT THE FAMILY.

LADIES, THE PROSPECTIVE
FAMILY LUNCH IS JUST

THROUGH THE LIBRARY
OVER THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD
AND I'LL JOIN YOU IN A BIT?

OKAY? THANKS SO MUCH, GIRLS.

COOL.

WE'LL SEE YOU OVER THERE.

NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS.

CIAO.

SEE YOU GIRLS.

GOOD TO MEET YOU.
BYE, LADIES.

MUCHO GUSTO--

FRANK--

HEY, YOU WANNA JOIN
OUR CLUB?

FRANK.

WOW, PEOPLE WILL FOLLOW ANYBODY
ANYWHERE, HUH?

IT'S LIKE A HERD
OF CATTLE.

WHERE THE HELL
IS QUAN?

OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT.

I MIGHT HAVE LOST HIM.

YOU MIGHT HAVE LOST HIM?

TECHNICALLY,
I JUST MISPLACED HIM.

TECHNICALLY, YOU MISPLACED HIM?

HE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER
THE SCHOOL'S EVER RECRUITED.

AND IN CASE YOU DON'T REMEMBER,
YOUR TEAM NEEDS HIM.

YOU GUYS ARE 5 AND 51
THIS SEASON.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE 5 AND 52.

BESIDE THE POINT.

LOOK, I'M JUST TRYING
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, OKAY?

IT'S NOT TOO LATE
TO TRY.

OF COURSE, IT DOESN'T
MATTER ANYWAY

SINCE PRATT'S GONNA CUT
THE WHOLE PROGRAM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
SHE CAN'T DO THAT.

WELL, I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU,
BUT THEN WE'D BOTH BE WRONG.

IF WE CAN'T RAISE 50,000
DOLLARS,

OUR BASEBALL TEAM GETS CUT
FROM THE ACTIVE CLUBS ON CAMPUS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THAT MEANS THE GUYS LOSE
THEIR SCHOLARSHIPS.

AND YOUR DAD...

GETS FORCED INTO RETIREMENT.

WELL...

I'M SEEING MYRON IN A COUPLE
OF HOURS.

HE'S CLOSE WITH PRATT.
MAYBE HE CAN TALK TO HER.

MYRON?

LITTLE FLYING MONKEY BOY,
MYRON?

NO, HE'S IN ON IT
WITH HER.

NO, NO, HE'S A SWEET GUY.

DO NOT JUDGE HIM JUST BECAUSE
HE'S NOT A JOCK LIKE YOU.

HE'S...SMART
AND...FUNNY.

HE'S SMART--THAT DOESN'T
MATTER.

WHEN DO YOU NEED
THE MONEY BY?

BY THE END
OF THE SEASON.

ISN'T THE SEASON OVER
AFTER TONIGHT'S GAME?

WELL, YEAH.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
AT PRACTICE NOW?

WHAT GOOD IS PRACTICE
GONNA DO IF

I CAN'T FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO HELP THE GUYS?

OKAY, UH, UM,

I WILL FIND QUAN,
HOPEFULLY IN ONE PIECE.

YOU GO TO PRACTICE AND SEE IF
YOU AND THE GUYS

CAN COME UP WITH ANY IDEA
OF HOW TO RAISE MONEY

AND I'LL COME UP
WITH SOMETHING, TOO.

CAITLIN,

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I MEAN IT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, GO, 3.

[ mascots making fun
of team ]

OH!

[ moans in frustration ]

YOU GUYS SUCK!

SON OF A BITCH!

WAIT 'TIL THEY SEE A FUCKING
SURPRISE ON THEIR FUCKING...

WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU GUYS?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK
IS THE MATTER WITH THESE GUYS?

COACH, IF THIS IS OKAY,

GUYS, BRING IT IN.

EVERYBODY, BRING IT IN.
COME ON, I GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY.

BRING IT IN, COME ON.

OKAY, LOOK,

I KNOW THINGS DON'T LOOK GREAT
FOR US RIGHT NOW.

THE PRESIDENT HATES US,
NOBODY TAKE US SERIOUSLY.

WE CAN'T WIN A GAME,

LET ALONE GET ANY FANS
TO SHOW UP.

STILL CAN'T FIND
THE RECRUIT.

YES, THANK YOU, MILKY.

STILL CAN'T FIND
THE RECRUIT.

AND WE HAVE TO RAISE MORE MONEY
THAN ANY OF US HAVE EVER SEEN

IN OUR LIVES IN THE NEXT
FEW HOURS

OR WE ARE ALL DONE.

I GOT AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE CHANGE OUR NAME
TO "FREE BEER?"

THAT WAY, WE CAN HANG UP SIGNS
THAT SAY "FREE BEER"

AT THE STADIUM TONIGHT,
AND EVERYBODY'LL SHOW UP.

BRO, DON'T BE STUPID.
THIS IS SERIOUS.

NOW LOOK,

WE'VE ALL SEEN THE MOVIES.
SOME GUY GIVES THAT

THE-ODDS-ARE-AGAINST-US-BUT-WE-
CAN-STILL-WIN SPEECH.

SO, YOU GONNA GIVE US
ONE OF THOSE?

UH, NO, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
IT CAN'T HAPPEN.

LOOK, YOU GUYS, I DON'T CARE HOW
MANY TIMES WE WATCH THAT MOVIE
"MIRACLE,"

I DON'T THINK WE'RE PULLING
THIS SHIT OUT OF OUR ASSES.

YEAH, HOW IN THE HELL
ARE WE GOING TO RAISE

50 LARGE BY THE END
OF TONIGHT'S GAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT WHAT I DO KNOW
IS THIS--

AND BACK ME UP
IF I'M WRONG HERE, DATA--

THAT ONE-TIME MANAGER,
ALIN DARK, OF THE SAN DIEGO
PADRES--

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS,

TOLD REPORTERS THAT NASA WOULD
PUT A MAN ON MARS--

THE MOON.

MOON,

BEFORE CATFISH HUNTER--

GAYLORD PERRY.

WOULD HIT A HOMERUN.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE LATER DID
HIT THAT HOMERUN.

YEAH, BUT THAT WAS 20 MINUTES
AFTER NEIL ARMSTRONG
LANDED ON THE MOON.

SCRAP, GIVE ME
YOUR BATTING GLOVE.

YOU GUYS ARE MISSING
THE POINT.

THE POINT IS--

WE NEED MORE THAN
A HOMERUN.

WE NEED TO FILL THESE
STANDS UP TONIGHT.

AND CHARGE DOUBLE-ADMISSION.

AT LEAST.

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST SIT
HERE AND DO NOTHING.

YEAH, PEOPLE TOLD ME
MY WHOLE LIFE

TO JUST SIT HERE
AND DO NOTHING.

AND WELL, IF I DID THAT,

I'D JUST BE SITTING HERE
DOING NOTHING.

ZELLY'S RIGHT.

SCRAP, DATA, ROSIE,

I WANT YOU GUYS TO GO
AROUND CAMPUS,

WRANGLE UP AS MANY PEOPLE
AS YOU CAN TO BRING THEM
TO THE GAME.

SHARIF, MILKY, MO,

I WANT YOU GUYS TO WRITE UP
SOME FLIERS

AND POST THEM
AROUND CAMPUS.

ZELLY, YOU'RE COMING
WITH ME.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU'RE A FRESHMAN.

FIND ME THAT BUCKET
OF LEFT-HANDED CURVEBALLS.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M GONNA DO
WHAT I DO BEST.

WHAT'S THAT?

FIND A WAY TO BEAT
THE SYSTEM.

HEY, FRANK, DO YOU THINK
WE CAN PULL THIS OFF?

THIS IS BASEBALL, AND AS LONG
AS YOU GOT ONE OUT LEFT...

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.

NOW, LET'S GO GET
THIS DONE!

others: LET'S GO!

OKAY, SO WE'VE GOT
AN HOUR BEFORE PRACTICE.

ALI AND MO ARE LOOKING
FOR HIM AROUND CAMPUS,

SO WE SHOULD PROBABLY
SPREAD OUT

AND SEE IF HE'S SOMEWHERE
IN THE BUILDING.

WHERE'S THE LAST PLACE YOU GUYS
REMEMBER SEEING HIM?

[ laughing and talking
in Vietnamese ]

MAYBE HE HAD ENOUGH FUN
PLAYING CATCHUP IN THE
BATTING CAGE LAST NIGHT

THAT HE'LL COME HERE
NEXT YEAR.

AND IF HE DOES,
MAYBE PRATT WILL KEEP
THE PROGRAM.

LOOK, JUST CHECK THE CAGES,
SEE IF HE'S THERE.

IF NOT, I'LL SEE YOU GUYS
AT PRACTICE IN AN HOUR.

COOL.

ZELLMAN!

QUAN?

QUAN?

QUAN?

[ someone laughing ]

[ girls talking and giggling,
guy laughing ]

girl:
HEY. HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

QUAN?

[ laughter ]

*

* YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN *

* TELL ME WHAT'S
ON YOUR MIND *

* YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN *

* GETTIN' NASTY
AIN'T NO CRIME *

* YOU GOTTA COME CLEAN *

* I'M TELLING YOU
TO CONFESS *

* IF YOU WANNA GET
DOWN AND DIRTY, *

* THEN YOU GOTTA
CLEAN UP THE MESS *

* CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH *

* LIVIN' THE DREAM *

* TELL ME YOUR
FANTASY *

* LIVIN' THE DREAM *

* GETTIN' LUCKY WITH
A GIRL LIKE ME *

* IT AIN'T OBSCENE *

* TO SHOW ME YOUR
FREAKINESS *

* IF YOU WANNA GET
DOWN AND DIRTY, *

* THEN YOU GOTTA
CLEAN UP THE MESS *

* CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH *

* LET ME HELP YOU
WASH AWAY *

* THE THINGS
THAT YOU REGRET *

* I'M NOT AFRAID
TO WORK IT OUT, *

* SO GET WORKING UP
A SWEAT *

* I PUT THE HUSTLE
IN THE MUSCLE, *

* PUSHIN' TO THE SHOVING *

* THE GRIND INTO
THE SHINE, *

* AND I DO IT ALL
WITH LOVE *

* CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

*

* OH, YEAH
CLEAN IT UP *

THAT'LL GIVE THAT ARROGANT
PRICK SOME TRADITION AND POWER.

LET'S DO IT.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE
FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT

ON THIS MOMENTOUS
OCCASION.

HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.

SMILE.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE BOARD
OF TRUSTEES.

AND THEN I ANNOUNCE
MY PLAN,

AND LET THOSE DECAYING
OLD BUZZARDS GIVE ME

MY DUE POSITION.

[ footsteps ]

WHAT?

THE ORDER OF SUNGLASSES
JUST CAME IN.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE
ME TO PUT THEM?

WHAT SUNGLASSES?

YOU JUST MAKE SURE
YOU RECORD EVERYTHING.

YEAH.

GOT ANOTHER CALL.

I'LL MEET YOU TWO
IN THE QUAD AFTER.

PRESIDENT PRATT.

WHY DID 10,000 PAIR
OF SUNGLASSES

ARRIVE AT MY OFFICE?

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
OUR RECORDS,

AND I SAW THAT YOUR WORLD RECORD
CLUB COULD SET A RECORD,

the most people wearing
the same sunglasses
at the same time.

THEY'VE BEEN A CLUB
FOR A WHILE NOW,

AND THEY PAY THEIR
MONTHLY DUES.

People are beginning
to ask questions.

WHAT ACCOUNT DID
YOU USE?

THE SCHOOL ACCOUNT.

I AM ABOUT TO ADDRESS THE ENTIRE
STUDENT ALUMNI BANQUET

ABOUT HOW I AM BRINGING
MONEY INTO THIS SCHOOL.

AND NOW, I HAVE
TO EXPLAIN A BILL

FOR 10,000 DOLLARS
WORTH OF CHEAP SUNGLASSES

TO THE TRUSTEES!

I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD GIVE
THEM A SENSE OF CAMARADERIE,

YOU KNOW, ACCOMPLISHMENT.

THEY WOULD FEEL LIKE
A REAL CLUB.

They could set a record
and they could have

THE MASCOTS THERE HANDING
STUFF OUT.

IT WOULD BE A FESTIVE THING
FOR EVERYONE.

OH, WELL, YOU JUST FESTIVELY
THOUGHT YOURSELF OUT OF A JOB,

YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING LITTLE
PIECE OF COW DUNG.

THAT CLUB MONEY
WAS MINE,

you little shit!

HAVE FUN PAYING YOUR
TUITION NEXT FALL.

You're fired.

[ she hangs up ]

I'M FIRED.

HI, FRANK.

HI, FRANK.

LADIES.

LET'S FIND A PLACE
FOR YOU TO SLEEP IT OFF.

STEP. JESUS, I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY JUST LEFT YOU.

AH, JESUS,

I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH,

BUT HE NO HELP HIT CURVEBALL.

WOW.

YOU SAY JESUS CHRIST NO HELP
HIT CURVEBALL?

I DID NOT.

WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU?

NO, NO, NO.

OH.

YOU'RE GONNA STAY
RIGHT THERE.

I PLAYER TO BE
NAME LATER.

[ laughing ]
"MAJOR LEAGUE,"
"BULL DURHAM."

BEST MOVIE EVER.

FRANK BENDER!
BEST CATCHER EVER!

[ gong sound ]

WE JUST WANTED TO COME BY
AND WISH YOU GOOD LUCK

BEFORE THE GAME TONIGHT.

WE JUST WANT YOUR LAST GAME
TO BE MEMORABLE.

AND WE KNOW JUST HOW
TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

I THOUGHT WE COULD PRACTICE
MY "COME FROM BEHIND" GAME.

[ all laughing ]

YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU DID,
YOU MADE A JOKE.

UH, NO. THE TWO OF YOU
ARE JUST BAD NEWS.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, I STRUCK OUT
FIVE TIMES YESTERDAY.

AND MY BALLS HAVE BEEN
ITCHING ALL DAY TODAY.

I THOUGHT SHAVING DOWN THERE
CLEARED THAT UP.

YUCK. OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE
REVOLTING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW WHO IT IS

THAT I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE WITH,

AND IT'S NEITHER
ONE OF YOU.

COMMUNICATIONS AND A FIFTH-YEAR
SENIOR UNDECIDED...

GOOD LUCK.

OKAY, LOOK OUT FOR THE--

OKAY, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
DIDN'T LOOK FORWARD.

FORWARD--

MYRON, HI.

YOU CRY?

THERE NO CRY.

THERE NO CRY IN BASEBALL.

JIMMY DUGAN.

HAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHA.

OH, BOY.

OKAY, GO SIT DOWN.

GO SIT DOWN.

OKAY.

GOOD BOY.

OKAY.

OKAY, GOOD BOY.

GOOD...

WHAT'S WRONG?

I WAS FIRED.

BY PRESIDENT PRATT?

OH, GOD, I WAS JUST GOING
TO CALL YOU

AND ASK YOU TO TALK TO HER
ABOUT THE BASEBALL TEAM.

WELL, SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S
DEAD SET ON GETTING RID

OF THE BASEBALL BOYS ANYWAY,
SO...

WHY DOES SHE WANNA GET RID
OF THE BASEBALL TEAM?

BECAUSE SHE GETS AN
ADDITIONAL STIPEND

FOR EVERY NON-ATHLETIC
CLUB SHE CAN CREATE.

AND SINCE THE BYLAWS CLEARLY
STATE THAT ANY ORGANIZATION

THAT IS NOT GENERATING REVENUE
CAN BE ELIMINATED,

IT JUST MAKES SENSE.

NOT GENERATING REVENUE?

YOU THINK IT'S A COINCIDENCE
THAT THERE'S A MANDATORY

CLUB MEETING DURING
EVERY HOME GAME?

IF THE ENTIRE TOWN AND CAMPUS
ARE AT MANDATORY MEETINGS,
THEN--

THEY CAN'T GO
TO THE GAMES.

NOW, I HAVE NO JOB.

I HAVE 10,000 GLASSES

AND A SOON-TO-BE VERY ANGRY
WORLD RECORD CLUB TO BE
DEALT WITH.

OR DEAL WITH.

HAVING TO BE DEALT--
I DON'T KNOW, I JUST

WANT MY JOB BACK.

HERE'S YOUR STUPID
CAMERA.

UH, SORRY,
NO BLACKMAIL MATERIAL.

YEAH, HE KEPT PUSHING
US AWAY

AND TALKING ABOUT SOME CHICK
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE WITH.

I EVEN WORE
MY NICE BRA.

[ clears her throat ]

IT'S TOO BAD HE DIDN'T
GO FOR IT.

BUMMER.

BUT WE'RE OFF
TO LACROSSE PRACTICE.

PROBABLY FIND A GUY
WITH A BIG STICK THERE.

BYE.

SEE YA.

HE DIDN'T GO
FOR WHAT, MYRON?

YOU OKAY, BRO?

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY
GONNA MISS THIS.

I KNEW IT WOULD END
EVENTUALLY, BUT...

I DON'T KNOW, I JUST DIDN'T
THINK IT WOULD END LIKE THIS.

ME NEITHER.

WE SURE HAD ONE HELL
OF A RIDE, THOUGH, HUH?

YEAH, WE DID.

GLAD, MAN.
I'M GLAD FOR YOU.

[ loud cheering
and noises from outside ]

THOSE IDIOTS
PULL IT OFF?

HEY, BIG MAMA.

HEY, BABY!
I GOT YOU!

I BRING
THE CROWD!

WE GOT YOU.

YEAH!

HEY, BIG MAMA.

OH, YES, BABY.
WE HERE, WE HERE!

After Zellman sat down
the Raptors in order

IN THE TOP OF THE FIRST,

there are now two outs
in the bottom of the frame.

Rodriguez stands at second
after reaching on air,

Jamal swings and misses
the throw down to third.

And he's got him.

Strike 'em out, throw 'em out,
win the inning.

[ laughing loudly ]

YES, AND FOR TONIGHT,

I HAVE PLANNED THIS BANQUET
TO PERFECTION.

IT WILL BE A CASUAL,
FAMILY-FILLED AFFAIR

WHERE AFTER THE CLUB MEETINGS
RELEASE,

EVERYONE WILL GATHER
IN THE BANQUET HALL.

AND THERE I WILL SHARE
THE FINANCIAL GAINS
WE HAVE MADE THIS YEAR.

AND THEN, I WILL PRESENT
TO YOU MY PLANS

TO CONTINUE THAT TREND
INTO THE FUTURE.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
WELL ON YOUR WAY.

WELL, AFTER THAT, WE'RE GOING
TO CAP THE WHOLE EVENING OFF

WITH A DISPLAY OF FIREWORKS
FROM MY FIREWORKS CLUB.

PERHAPS A VOTE FOR THE FUNDING

FOR THE NEW PRATT CONVENTION
CENTER IS IN YOUR FUTURE.

OH, WELL, WOULDN'T THAT BE
A LOVELY SURPRISE?

YAY ME.

[ Big Mama cheering ]

Zellman has found a groove,
keeping the Raptors hitless
through 3.

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT
OURSELVES A BALLGAME.

COME ON, OWLZ!

Zellman looking to put away
West here.

STRIKE THREE!
And the curve strikes
him out.

SWING IT, DADDY!
SWING IT!

Bender and Zellman
remain in sync.

NICE WORK, ZELLY.

DO YOU KNOW THAT
NOLAN RYAN HAS

THE MOST NO-HITTERS
IN BASEBALL WITH 7?

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ONLY
CATCHER'S THAT'S GOT

THE MOST NO-HITTERS IS
JASON VARITEK WITH CUATRO?

YOU KNOW THE NAME OF THE
CATCHER WHO BEAT DOWN

TWO OTHER PLAYER AFTER THEY
STARTED TALKING ABOUT

A NO-HITTER AFTER 3 INNINGS
IS FRANK BENDER?

SHUT UP!

Big Mama: SCRAPPY!
OH, PAPI, SCRAPPY!

I LOVE YOU, PAPI!

Here's the pitch
to Rodriguez.

He swings and pops
it up.

Catcher's underneath
and will squeeze it in
for the Owlz.

THAT'S OKAY, BABY,
WE LOVE YOU.

WE LOVE YOU.
MAMI LOVE YOU.

Runner leads off third base
after a walk.

Zellman set,
and the pitch.

The runner goes,
the throw down to second
from Bender.

And he's got him!

WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK!

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!
COME ON!

Bender hoping
for a miracle.

And Owlz still looking
for their first hit
of the day.

Jones delivers.

And down goes Bender.

STRIKE THREE!

Looks like he's just lost
that magic spark.

HOPE YOU'RE PROUD
OF YOURSELF.

Strike three.

Maurer goes down
on strikes.

Zellman comes set,
and the pitch.

Line drive to short.
What a catch by Rodriguez!

OOH, COACH JONES!
I SOMETHING FOR YOU, BABY!

Zellman fires,
he struck him out.

ALL RIGHT, HOW WE HITTING?

NOT MANY.

OKAY.

Zellman staying focused
on the hill, gets his sign.

And now, the pitch.

That's strike out
number nine.

Now, the 1-2 pitch
from Zellman.

Ground ball to short.

Rodriguez gets to it,
throws to first,

he's got him!

The double no-no
is still alive.

HEY, CABRON,

YOU KNOW WE GOT A
DOUBLE NO-NO GOING?

YOU KNOW THAT MAY 2, 1917,
FRED TONEY AND HIPPO VAUGHN

BOTH PITCHED NO-HITTERS
FOR NINE INNINGS?

Zellman offers...

the pop up in the infield
for an easy out.

OF COURSE I KNEW THAT.

DID YOU SEE THAT, GIRL?
HE GOT SKILLS.

I'M GONNA TALK
TO HIM AFTER, YES!

I GOT SOME GATORADE
FOR YOU!

And what an afternoon
this has been for the Owlz.

Jimmy Zellman has shown
heart, determination,

and courage as he's one
of many on this squad

that is looking to cap off
what would be an incredible

ending to this season.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

Here is the seventh
inning stretch.

To sing for us again
is the lovely Gert LaLoosh.

All fans in attendance,
please be advised

THAT GERT WILL BE SELLING
HER ALBUM IN THE PARKING LOT

after the game.

I BOUGHT THE ALBUM.

YOU BOUGHT IT?

* Take me out to the ballgame

IRONICALLY,

IT WASN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT
LADY STOPPED SINGING.

[ mic feedback ]

DOES ANYBODY
EVEN CARE?

[ flatly ]
YEAH.

AH, SCREW THIS.

THIS SUCKS.

WHOO, LORDY! WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?

YOU NEED TO SING
NEXT TIME.

I'M JUST SAYIN',
I SHOULD SING NEXT TIME.

YEP.

YEAH, BECAUSE I'D DO
BETTER THAN THAT.

THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING
LIKE THIS, ASS HAT.

ASS HAT?

I LIKE HER.

We're off to the home half
of the seventh inning.

And here comes Bender as he
tries to help put

the first run of the game
on the board.

HE'S 1 FOR HIS LAST 27,

SO IF HE WASN'T DUE BEFORE,

HE IS NOW.

'SUP.

The pitch...

and strike one on the
outside corner.

OKAY.

Jones offers, and it's a
swing and a miss.

THAT ONE WAS
A STRIKE.

guy: YEAH, I WANNA FIND OUT
MORE ABOUT THIS QUAN CLUB.

other guy: I'VE HEARD ABOUT
THAT CLUB.

IT'S WHERE YOU LEARN WAYS
TO LIVE LONGER.

THAT'S COOL.

YEAH, IT'S JAPANESE
ORIGIN, RIGHT?

I THINK SO.

[ gong sound ]

YOU'RE WITH THE CLUB
MOVING BOXES, HI.

WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU
TO KEEP MOVING. COME ON.

KEEP MOVING.
THERE'S HUNDREDS.

Bender tries to keep things
alive, and he comes up empty.

The Owlz just can't seem
to find a way.

YOU KNOW, I GUESS IT'S
TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU GOT

'TIL YOU DON'T
HAVE IT ANYMORE.

IT'S BEEN A REAL HONOR
TO PLAY FOR YOU, SIR.

IT AIN'T OVER YET.

THAT'S OPTIMISTIC.

WAITING FOR
THE FAT LADY.

SHE JUST HIT ME IN THE GUT
WITH A MICROPHONE, SO...

I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
THAT MEANS.

JUST GET OUT THERE
AND PLAY.

GOT IT.

The Owlz with their incredible
performance this afternoon

have given new hope to the
future of this program.

PFFT.

FRANK!

FRANK,

I HAVE AN IDEA.

AN IDEA FOR WHAT?

FOR HOW TO RAISE
THE MONEY.

IT'S THE NINTH INNING,
HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING

TO RAISE THE MONEY
IN THAT AMOUNT OF TIME?

I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO STALL THE GAME.

STALL?

STALL, SLOW DOWN
THE GAME.

STALL? YOU WANT ME TO STALL
A BASEBALL GAME.

I WANT YOU TO STALL
A BASEBALL GAME.

I'M ABOUT TO FILL
THE STADIUM.

HOW ARE YOU
GONNA DO THAT?

I'M GOING HERDING.

I'M WATCHING YOU WALK
UP THE STAIRS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, CAP?

NOT SURE.

CAITLIN WANTS US TO STALL
BECAUSE SHE'S GOT AN IDEA

FOR HOW TO RAISE THE MONEY.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA STALL
A BASEBALL GAME?

YEAH, WE'RE IN THE NINTH.

[ says something
in Spanish ]

HEY.

JESUS.

YOU CAN SAY IT,
I'M AWARE.

I GOT A NO-HITTER GOING.

YOU GUYS REALLY THINK
IT'S GONNA JINX IT?

MY WHOLE LIFE'S
A FUCKING JINX.

FAIR.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS
TALKING ABOUT OUT HERE?

WE HAVE A PLAN.

A PLAN FOR WHAT?

A PLAN TO SAVE
THE TEAM.

THANKS, COACH.

LET'S GO, FRANK!

SO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STALL?

YOU WANT ZELLMAN TO GIVE
UP HIS NO-NO?

HELL NO.
NO, ZELLY'S GRADUATING.

WE ARE GONNA HOLD ONTO THIS
FOR HIM THE BEST WE CAN.

THERE MAY BE A WAY
WE CAN DO BOTH.

MAYBE ZELLMAN CAN TAKE
HIS TIME BETWEEN PITCHES.

NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

DO YOU KNOW THAT
THE RULES REQUIRE

WHEN THE BASES
ARE UNOCCUPIED

THE PITCHER MUST PITCH
THE BALL WITHIN

both: TWELVE SECONDS
OF RECEIVING IT?

WELL, JUST GONNA HAVE TO
OCCUPY THE BASES THEN,
WON'T WE?

OH, HEY.

GUYS, HI.

DID YOU HEAR THAT THEY MOVED
THE BANQUET

TO THE BASEBALL STADIUM?

OH, REALLY, WHY?

HEARD THEY'RE TRYING TO SET
SOME KIND OF A WORLD RECORD.

IT'S IN A JOINT EFFORT
WITH THE QUAN CLUB.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

AND THEY'RE JUST ASKING FOR A
TEN DOLLAR DONATION TO GET

THE QUAN CLUB STARTED.

OKAY. WELL, THANKS.

THANK YOU. GREAT, WE'LL
SEE YOU GUYS THERE.

TELL EVERYBODY
YOU KNOW.

HI, YOU GUYS ARE WITH
THE TV CLUB, RIGHT?

YES.

EXCELLENT TIMING.

WALK WITH ME.

SO...

Zellman has been
on fire today,

WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE REALLY
FRUSTRATED THIS RAPTOR BUNCH.

YOU AIN'T GONNA GET THAT SHIT
PASSED ME, FREAK.

Jimmy Zellman on the bump
has had incredible control
this afternoon.

Bender lays down
the sign.

And here's the twist
and the fire.

Hits him right
in the arm.

MY BAD, BRO!

THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

A REAL MAN
DOESN'T RUB IT.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I'M JUST TRYING
TO HELP YOU, MAN.

THAT'S ONE WAY
TO KEEP A NO-HITTER.

GUYS, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING. ENJOY THE GAME.

ENJOY SETTING A
WORLD RECORD.

IT'S GONNA BE
SO FUN.

West leads off first base
as Rosenblatt holds him off.

Seager at the dish.

Loves the sign
from Bender.

The kick and the fire,
and he hits another Raptor.

COME ON!

COME ON!

ZELLMAN SEEMS TO HAVE REALLY
LOST HIS CONTROL.

WHAT IS THIS?

THAT'S GONNA LEAVE
A MARK.

OKAY, YOU WANNA PLAY
THIS WAY?

I GOT
YOUR NUMBER.

YO, GUYS, THAT'S NOT
VERY P.C.

HE'S GOT CEREBRAL PALSY.

IT'S NOT LIKE
HE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

COME ON, TAKE A LESSON IN
ETIQUETTE AND ACCEPTANCE.

LISTEN, SMARTASS, YOUR
GUY HITS ANOTHER PLAYER,

YOU'RE BOTH GONE.

GOT IT, SIR.

HE WON'T HIT
ANOTHER PLAYER.

SO GLAD YOU GUYS
GOT WORD.

WE'RE GONNA SET A WORLD
RECORD. IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

Little confused,

BUT WE HAVE SOME MORE PEOPLE
COMING INTO THE BALLPARK.

Not sure if they're lost,

OR MAYBE WORD OF ZELLMAN'S
NO-NO IS STARTING TO GET AROUND.

IS THIS WHERE
THE CHESS CLUB SIT?

HEY, WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
CAITLIN DID,

BUT HOT DAMN.

WE GOTTA GIVE HER A LITTLE
MORE TIME TO FILL THIS PLACE UP.

YOU DOING OKAY PITCHING
FOR ALL THESE PEOPLE?

YOU NERVOUS?

SHIT, MAN, I GOT THIS MANY
PEOPLE STARING AT ME ALL DAY.

IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE YOU'RE DAMN
HANDSOME, THAT'S IT.

KEEP IT UP.

ALL RIGHT, MAN.

READY, HOTSHOT?

WAITIN' ON YOU.

WHAT, YOU WANNA HIGH-FIVE?

GOOD LUCK, BUDDY.

*

Zellman looks in,
approves the sign.

Checks over
at first base,

and comes home.

And he hits the umpire right
where the sun don't shine.

TIME!

YEAH, I THINK YOU
GOT TIME, UMP.

LOOKS LIKE
A DEAD BALL.

GOOD NEWS IS HE DIDN'T
HIT ANOTHER PLAYER.

DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
CALLED THE PITCH OUT,

THOUGHT THE RUNNERS
WERE GOING.

ZELLY MUST'VE GOT
CROSSED UP.

YEAH, I GOT CROSSED UP.
SORRY.

Looks like Zellman and Bender
got crossed up.

YOU KNOW WE GOT
A NO-HITTER GOING?

JUST THINK, YOU'D DIE TO BE A
HERO AND BREAK IT UP.

OF COURSE, YOU ARE
0 FOR 3 TODAY,

HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED
THE BALL YET.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU DON'T TALK?

OH, YOU'RE A MUTE.

MY COUSIN
WAS A MUTE.

WE HAD TO PUT
HIM DOWN.

HEY, THAT'S A BALL.

HE HAS TO STOP MOVING
BEFORE HE STARTS PITCHING.

HEHEHE.

HE STILL AIN'T
STOPPED MOVING.

[ laughing ]

I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

STILL AIN'T
STOPPED MOVING.

I GOT A QUESTION...

IF A MUTE KIDS SWEARS,

DOES HIS MOM WASH
HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

GOD DAMN IT.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

THERE IS NO NEED
FOR VIOLENCE.

COME ON, LET'S JUST
PLAY SOME BALL.

IT'S THE ALL-AMERICAN
PASTIME, GUYS, COME ON.

COACH, JONES, I CAN MAKE
IT CLAP, BABY.

I CAN MAKE IT CLAP.

I HATE THIS
MOTHERFUCKIN' PLACE.

Fans continuing to pile
in here as it looks like

the grass area is
almost full.

And Zellman getting
ready for the next pitch.

Looks in to get his sign,

twirls and throws behind
to second base.

That's gonna go into
center field.

Oh, wait, Zellman
still has it.

The runners take off,
the throw down to second.

He's got him.
It's the Palsy pick-off!

Rodriguez to home,
and he is out!

YOU'RE OUT!

Double-play!

THAT'S TWO!

ISN'T IT ODD THE WAY EVERYBODY
AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMES THE GOO

IN SOAP DISPENSERS IS FILLED
WITH SOAP?

I LIKE TO FILL MINE WITH PISS
JUST TO TEACH PEOPLE A LESSON
IN TRUST.

Two strikes on Smith.

He's distracted.
And he struck him out!

AND OUT!

THAT'S THREE!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT, BLUE?

I WASN'T EVEN READY!

We head to the bottom
of the ninth,

and Zellman's no-no
is still intact.

MAKE IT RAIN, ROSIE.

LET'S GO, ALI!

If the Owlz can pick up
a run here,

they'll get their
first win in weeks.

And what a way to
close out the season.

THE WAY THEY'VE BEEN
PLAYING TODAY,

it doesn't seem like anything
is gonna get in their way.

Of course.

Looks like I spoke too soon

as the infield sprinklers
come on

and the Raptors are getting
a little bit of a bath.

Raptor: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ESTEEMED GUESTS AND ALUMNI...

[ giggling to herself ]

After a 20-minute
rain delay,

AND SHARIF ALI POPPING UP
FOR THE FIRST OUT

of the inning,

looks like we're back
and ready to go.

[ talking quietly ]

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

[ speaking Spanish ]

YOU KNOW THAT STANLEY
IS POISONOUS, RIGHT?

[ yelling in Spanish ]

THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME
COMMOTION DOWN ON THE FIELD.

[ still yelling
in Spanish ]

WHAT THE HELL?

SON OF A BITCH!

AYE, AYE!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

[ yelling ]

THIS MOTHERFUCKIN' SNAKE ON THIS
MOTHERFUCKIN' FIELD!

THE HELL WITH Y'ALL!

POR FAVOR!

THE HELL WITH Y'ALL!

GET AWAY!

I'VE GOTTA TELL YA,
I'VE SAT THROUGH INJURY DELAYS,

RAIN DELAYS.

I'VE EVEN SAT THROUGH A
DUST STORM DELAY.

But a snake delay?
That's a new one.

Welcome back, folks, and after
an hour delay,

AND A STRANGE
TURN OF EVENTS,

we have a packed house here
in the bottom of the ninth.

AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD
THE TV CLUB

has decided to set up and
broadcast the rest of the game
live.

JENNINE, WE'RE READY.

FINALLY.

Oh, look, here comes
Hootz and Holly down the stands.

The fans love it.

[ fans cheering wildly ]

TOSS ME THAT MIC.

I'm not sure what's
happening here,

BUT IT LOOKS AS IF FRANK BENDER
IS GONNA ADDRESS THE CROWD.

Check, check.

This thing is on.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, OREM?!

YEAH, FRANKIE, BABY!

Welcome, activity clubs
of Orem A&M.

ARE YOU GUYS EXCITED TO SET
A NEW WORLD RECORD TONIGHT?

[ crowd going wild ]

IF I UNDERSTAND IT,

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU
HAS BEEN GIVEN A PAIR

OF OREM OWLZ GLASSES
FOR TONIGHT'S EVENT.

AM I RIGHT?

[ crowd yelling ]

Now, who here would like to
break the world record

for most people wearing Owl
sunglasses at night

IN ONE LOCATION?

LET'S SET THIS WORLD RECORD,
GUYS!

YEAH!

Raise your glasses.

And on one, two,

three, put 'em on!

[ all clapping and cheering ]

CONGRATULATIONS!

A new world record!

[ snoring ]

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR
OREM A&M!

[ crowd cheering ]

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?

I THINK I AM GENERATING
REVENUE FOR OUR BASEBALL TEAM,

and from the looks of it...

GO TO CAMERA 2.

I think we've generated enough
revenue to keep our program

around for another couple
of years.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU
THINK, PRESIDENT PRATT?

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO
DAMN SMART?

WELL, GUESS WHAT, DIPSHIT?

THOSE GLASSES ARE THE PROPERTY
OF THE SCHOOL AND NOT YOURS
TO SELL.

[ crowd booing ]

ACTUALLY, ACCORDING TO MYRON,

THOSE GLASSES WERE BOUGHT BY THE
SCHOOL UNDER YOUR NAME, RIGHT?

TO GIVE TO THE CLUBS.

WELL, THEY WERE GIVEN
TO THE CLUBS.

THE MONEY, THAT MONEY,

IS ALL DONATIONS BY
THESE PEOPLE

FOR THE BASEBALL-SPONSORED
QUAN CLUB.

[ sarcastically ]
OH, THE QUAN CLUB?

THOSE CLUBS AREN'T
EVEN REAL.

I MADE THEM UP TO MAKE
MONEY FOR ME.

THAT'S ALL IT'S ABOUT,
MONEY FOR ME.

SO, YOU AND THESE STUPID CLUBS
CAN JUST KISS MY ASS.

I own this school,

and all the money that comes
into it is mine.

Not yours,
not the stupid team,

and not this abysmal
institution!

Mine!

AND MY BAT IS
A MICROPHONE.

Jennine Pratt, ladies and
gentlemen.

Let's give her a hand.

[ booing ]

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE MATTER
OF SOME UNBALANCED BOOKS.

DON'T WE, FORMER
PRESIDENT PRATT?

NO, NO, NO,
I CAN EXPLAIN.

THIS IS--THIS IS
A MISUNDERSTANDING.

[ booing and yelling ]

You suck!

AND BENDER DRIVES ONE DEEP
BACK TO THE WALL

AND OUTTA HERE.

WE SET A NEW WORLD RECORD
TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

We got enough money to save our
beloved baseball team.

MOST IMPORTANTLY TO ME...

I JUST RE-MET THE OWL
OF MY LIFE.

[ speaking Vietnamese ]

What?

I think that's how
you say "I'm sorry."

[ crowd cheering ]

[ gong sound ]

OH, LOOK, IT'S THE GUY
FROM THE QUAN CLUB.

OH, ISN'T HE CUTE?

NOW THERE'S JUST ONE
THING LEFT TO DO.

We're gonna win
the whole fucking thing.

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED?

YES, YES, YES.

YOU GOT TO WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD!

*

YOU GOTTA WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD.

WORK, WORK, WORK.

YOU GOTTA WORK
IT HARD.

[ adds beat ]

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA WIN!

YEAH!

FRANK...

TRY THE 34.

HARD WORK IT, FRANK.

*

WORK IT HARD,
WORK IT HARD!

WORK, WORK, WORK!

[ all chanting and cheering ]

QUAN CLUB.

Here comes Frank Bender
to the plate.

Bottom of the ninth inning

as the junior looking to
become a hero this evening.

Here's the pitch.

A high fly ball to deep
right field!

And it's going...

and it's gone!

A homerun!
The Owlz win!

This crowd is
going nuts!

It's pandemonium!

LIKE KIRK GIBSON!

YOU KNOW KIRK GIBSON PLAYED
FIVE YEARS OF COLLEGE BALL?

DID YOU KNOW HE WAS DRAFTED
FOR THE PROS

FOR THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS?

YEAH.

*

YEAH!

LET ME GO!

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHO
YOU'RE MESSING WITH!

I'M GONNA GET
YOU ALL FIRED!

*

YES, YOU GOT
YOUR NO-NO!

YOU GOT YOUR TEAM!

YES, WE DID IT!

YES! THEY DID IT!

THIS IS IT!

THIS IS MY CORN!

YOU PEOPLE ARE GUESTS
IN MY CORN!

THANK YOU!

A CATCHER NEVER TAKES OFF
HIS CUP, BUT FOR YOU,

I AM DEFINITELY WILLING
TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

TIME FOR THE QUO?

OH, YEAH.

You got to work it hard,
work it hard!

Work, work, work!

GUYS, GUYS, I FOUND THEM!

I FOUND THE CURVEBALLS!

I FOUND 'EM!

*

[ Big Mama cheering ]

OOH, BABY.

LOOK WHAT FELL
INTO MY LAP.

HOLD MY WEAVE.

I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW YOU DO.

*

ROSIE, DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT
ANYTHING WAS POSSIBLE

WITH ONE OUT LEFT IN THE GAME?
[ laughs ]

PRATT'S OUTTA HERE,
AND YOU, QUAN,

[ talking loudly ]
ARE GOING TO GET ACCEPTED
TO THE SCHOOL,

WHICH IS GREAT.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE'VE HAD
A TOP RECRUIT

ACCEPTED SINCE
I'VE BEEN HERE.

I TOTALLY DID NOT THINK
I WAS GONNA GET IN.

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

WELL, YEAH,
OF COURSE I DO.

THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GONNA
GET IN WITH THE GRADES I HAVE.

DUDE, I WAS THE ONLY ASIAN GUY
IN HIGH SCHOOL THAT FAILED MATH.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
FROM SAIGON.

LITTLE SAIGON.
CALIFORNIA.

THAT IDIOT MYRON MUST HAVE
MADE A MISTAKE

ON THE PAPERWORK, THANK GOD.

WELL, MAN, YOU DO
THAT ACCENT GOOD.

YEAH, SUPER AUTHENTIC.

I DON'T THINK
IT'S THAT GREAT.

I LEARNED MY ACCENT FROM
WATCHING

"HANGOVERS" 1, 2, AND 3.

GREAT MOVIES, THOUGH.

RIGHT?

[ with accent ]
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE
FAT GUY FALL IN.

*

HEY, COACH,
HOW YA DOIN'?

JIM WEST, HOT DAMN, MAN!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

WELL, I WAS SHOT AT A COUPLE OF
TIMES, BUT THEY MISSED.

THEY'RE IN BETWEEN WORKOUTS,
PERFECT TIMING. COME ON IN.

GREAT.

ROCKET, YOU HANDSOME
SON A BITCH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, FRANK.

THANKS FOR COMING DOWN.
HAVE A SEAT.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

SO...

THIS IS THE RECRUIT, HUH?

THAT'S HIM.

I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH JAKE
FOR 3 YEARS NOW,

AND WITH THAT BUNCH OF
SLAPDICKS YOU GOT DOWN THERE,

THIS MAN CAN HELP YOU.

GUARANTEED.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, KID?

YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
TO BE AN OWL NEXT YEAR?

YES, SIR. I'M EXCITED
FOR THE OPPORTUNITY.

WE'VE BEEN WORKING
REALLY HARD.

WELL...

WE DO HARD WORK IT.
[ laughs ]

OH, YEAH.

WELL, HE WAS SCUFFLING
EARLIER,

BUT SINCE WE CHANGED UP
HIS WORKOUT ROUTINE,

HE'S BEEN ON FIRE.

TELL YOU WHAT,
POP IN THIS RECRUIT VIDEO.

THAT WAY, YOU CAN SEE WHAT
BEING AN OWL IS ALL ABOUT.

MAN, ROGER, YOU LOOK RIPPED.
HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

YEAH, I'VE BEEN ON THE SAME
WORKOUT JAKE'S BEEN ON

AND, ACTUALLY, I'M THINKING
ABOUT MAKING A COMEBACK.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH.

HEY, GUYS.

I'LL BE UPSTAIRS WHEN YOU'RE
READY FOR YOUR, UH...

WORKOUT.

NOW, THAT'S THE SIZE
I WEAR.

I WILL GLADLY
PAY UP.

YOU, TOO, KID.

ANYTHING TO WIN, HUH?

GET USED TO IT.

[ Quan and girls
laughing ]

HEY, LADIES.

YOU SURE ARE HAVING
A GOOD TIME.

[ more laughing ]

[ Chastity talking ]

ONE, TWO, THREE...

[ popping sound,
Quan laughing ]

OH, NO.
SHIT, NO.

[ Quan laughing loudly ]

*

* I NEED A MAN WITH POWER
WHO CAN HIT THE LONG ONE *

* CAN'T BE YOUR WOMAN IF YOU
DON'T WANT A STRONG ONE *

* I'VE HAD ENOUGH
OF THOSE SINGLE-HITTERS *

* EVERY TIME THEY MEET ME
THEY JUST GET THE JITTERS *

* AND WHEN THEY TRY TO KISS ME
GOTTA LOAD UP ON SOME WHISKEY *

* BETTER STEP UP
TO THE PLATE *

* AND HIT IT
OVER THE FENCE *

* INTO ANOTHER STATE *

* GOTTA HAVE A GRAND SLAM *

* DON'T NEED ANOTHER
WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM *

* I'M GONNA TELL HIM
WHAT HIS PLACE IS, *

* THAT HE'S GOTTA
CLEAR MY BASES *

* GRAND SLAM *

* DON'T NEED ANOTHER
FLIM-FLAM-ONE-NIGHT-STAND *

* GOTTA BE AN ALL-STAR
HOMERUN MAN *

* HE'S GONNA HIT
A GRAND SLAM *

*

* I'VE HAD A FEW BAD CALLS *

* AND IT GOT ME DRINKIN' *

[ all hooting ]

* BUT NOW I'M IN
TO WIN IT *

* SO, WANNA STAY WITH ME
THOUGH THE EXTRA INNINGS? *

* STARTING PITCHER
AND A CLOSER *

* BE THERE WHEN
THE GAME IS OVER *

* GONNA HAVE A WINNER'S TOUCH *

* AND WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN, *

* YOU'LL COME THROUGH IT *

THERE SHE GOES!

GOOD CATCH!

* GRAND SLAM *

* DON'T NEED ANOTHER
WHAM-BAM-THANK-YOU-MA'AM *

* GONNA GIVE HIM MY CONDITIONS *

MAN DOWN!

OH, NO.

WATCH IT...

OH, NO.

HE'S GOING FOR ZIMMERMAN.

ZIMMERMAN?

YOU JUST CALLED HIM ZIMMERMAN.

WHAT'S UP, POP CULTURE?

ZELLMAN.

ZELLMAN, YEAH, THAT'LL WORK.

THAT WORKS GOOD.

ZELLMAN.

WHOA! FOUL BALL.

SORRY, I SHOULD BE
BACK FARTHER, PROBABLY.

TRY THE 34.

I'M STARTING
TO FALL OVER.

HOLD ON.

SOUND IS IN
THE SHOT.

OH, COME ON.

THIS IS CALLED YOGA
BY THE TRASH CAN.

[ laughter ]

HOLD ON,
HOLD ON.

FROM VIETNAM,
WE HAVE A SPECIAL,

WE HAVE A SPECIAL
SCHOOL CALLED

"YOGA BY
THE TRASH CAN."

A SELLOUT?

WE GOT LIKE
FOUR FANS.

FOUR...

THAT'S FAT.

OBESE.

[ laughter ]

SHIT.

YEAH, BUT THAT WAS 20
MINUTES AFTER

NEIL ARMSTRONG
LANDED ON THE MOON.

SCRAP, GIVE ME
YOUR BATTING GLOVE.

YOU GUYS ARE
MISSING THE POINT.

DO IT AGAIN.
HIT HIM ON THE TOP
OF THE HEAD WITH IT.

[ loud laughter ]
YOU OKAY?

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
WE'VE HAD A TOP RECRUIT

ACCEPTED SINCE
I'VE BEEN HERE.

FUCK, I APOLOGIZE.
I SPACED OUT.

SORRY, I THOUGHT--

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

[ laughter ]

[ trying to sing
the national anthem ]

YOU SKIPPED A VERSE
OF OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

[still singing ]

* Oh, say, does that star
spangled banner yet wave *

* o'er the land of the free

* And the home of the brave

PLAY BALL!

PLAY BALL.

YOU GUYS RECORDING
THIS YET?

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

all: OH!

NO WAY, BRO!

HEY!

in Sharif voice:
I AM STANDING CORRECTED.

BAM!

I TOLD YOU FUCKERS.

TOLD YOU.

TOLD YOU FUCKERS.

WHAT?

WHAT?

I AM STANDING CORRECTED.

BITE A CAMEL DICK.

[ owl hooting ]