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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,294 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 2 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,380 Welcome to another edition of Aural Cinema, 3 00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:33,092 - our popular series of Movies for the Ears. 4 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,637 Well, we'll be going on air live in just a couple of minutes, 5 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:40,099 - so please may we first of all test the applause level? 6 00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,188 Thank you. 7 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,064 Excellent, thank you very much. 8 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:50,694 Well, tonight's Cinema for Sound features What About Dick? 9 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:55,365 An emotion picture for radio, which tells the story of the decline and fall- 10 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:59,035 - of the British Empire as seen through the eyes of a piano. 11 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,077 So will you welcome, please, 12 00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:02,998 - tonight's fantastic cast! 13 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,350 ♪ From the Orpheum ♪ ♪ Theatre in downtown L.A. ♪ 14 00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,687 ♪ Tonight we invite you ♪ ♪ to picture a play ♪ 15 00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:28,982 ♪ A radio screenplay ♪ ♪ A film for your ears ♪ 16 00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:32,276 ♪ Aural Movies, ♪ ♪ welcome, my dears ♪ 17 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:35,572 Yes, it's time once again for the Cinema of Sound- 18 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:40,851 - to transport you across the radio waves to bring you What About Dick? 19 00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:45,957 ♪ It's Aural Cinema! ♪ 20 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,674 Once upon a time, there were two sisters- 21 00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,551 - who lived with their Aunt Maggie- 22 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:59,930 - in a rambling old Edwardian novel in Kensington. 23 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,683 Emma, the older, was an emotionally repressed English girl, 24 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:07,604 - who spent all day staring out of the window dreaming of a submissive role- 25 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,356 - in a sick relationship with an older sadomasochistic Englishman. 26 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:16,237 Helena, her younger sister was a dark-haired, foxy minx- 27 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,907 - who stole umbrellas to repress her sexual urges. 28 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,577 What's a minx? Is it an Egyptian thing? 29 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,287 No, dear, that's the Sphinx. 30 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,372 Oh, I thought that was the backside of something. 31 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,165 No, dear, that's the sphincter. 32 00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,584 Ah. 33 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,795 Anyway, these two sisters lived together- 34 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,048 - in a two-story novel with their Aunt Maggie, 35 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:38,301 - an amateur dipsomaniac, who spent the afternoons in Hampstead- 36 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,803 - under a young Austrian doctor. 37 00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:43,681 His name is Freud. Roger Freud. 38 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:46,684 He's licensed in massage and colonics. 39 00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,395 And who exactly are you? 40 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,940 I am the narrator of this tale. 41 00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:54,692 Everyone in this story has touched me, 42 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:59,238 - and played with me and run their fingers over me until I rang with joy. 43 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,868 For you see, I am a Piano. 44 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,579 - A piano narrating the story? - Yes. 45 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,039 Furniture doesn't narrate stories. 46 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,333 I'm not furniture, I'm an instrument. 47 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:13,711 Well, that's stupid. Are we to have Macbeth narrated by the bagpipes? 48 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:16,422 Or Les Mis told by the French horns? 49 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:19,888 Look, it's my fucking play and I'll play a piano if I want to. 50 00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:24,905 Anyway, this is the story of a piano. 51 00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:30,478 Heavens, is that the time? The third of August, 1910? 52 00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,897 Evening Star and Standard. Read all about it. 53 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:36,734 Anuver 'eadless 'uman found 'alf eaten in 'Oundsditch. 54 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:39,779 Oh, dear, not the Ripper again. 55 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,991 No, this one's the Mutilator. Apparently, he eats his victims. 56 00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:45,035 Oh, how disgusting. 57 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,578 Just then, the Reverend Whoopsie walked into the door. 58 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,873 Ouch. 59 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,379 Walked into the doorway. 60 00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,256 Oh, sorry. 61 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,510 Hello, ladies. Do I intrude? 62 00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:05,329 Not from this angle, Mr Whoopsie. 63 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,975 The Reverend Whoopsie- 64 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,394 - is a... Well, he's a... 65 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:16,149 He is a single clergyman, who's kindly disposed to all men. 66 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:20,028 Especially working men, who I adore above all- 67 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:24,032 - and put on a pedestal and offer five shillings to. 68 00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:26,910 Your Christianity does you credit, Whoopsie. 69 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,995 Let us not forget, our Lord Himself- 70 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,455 - had twelve little male friends, 71 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:34,417 - all sailors, and nobody said a word. 72 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,464 - Have you seen Dick? - Not for ages, Mr Whoopsie. 73 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,261 Not since a Coming Out Ball turned unexpectedly fruity... 74 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,304 No, I think he means your nephew Dick. 75 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:49,682 Oh! Oh, dear. 76 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,185 Yes... Oh, he's coming down today from Oxford. 77 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:56,021 I wondered if he'd like to come camping with me? 78 00:04:56,255 --> 00:05:00,040 I'd love a weekend of Dick. 79 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:04,688 I always found 20 minutes quite sufficient. 80 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,578 Ah! Helena, why don't you play something for Mr Whoopsie on your harp? 81 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,164 I hate the harp. I'm sick of plucking. 82 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,624 Well you should try a mouth organ. 83 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,542 Like Dick. So you can suck and blow... 84 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,420 Yes, yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Emma. 85 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,298 Why don't you sing us one of your Victorian ballads? 86 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,674 Right-o. 87 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,598 ♪ Blow me ♪ 88 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:35,902 ♪ A kiss in the moonlight ♪ 89 00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,022 ♪ Blow me ♪ 90 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:43,027 ♪ A kiss in the dawn ♪ 91 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,445 ♪ Blow me down ♪ 92 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:48,783 ♪ I never knew I would dare ♪ 93 00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:52,162 ♪ Now must I swallow ♪ 94 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:57,681 ♪ My pride while I'm there ♪ 95 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,878 ♪ Heavens, he's coming ♪ 96 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,048 ♪ Inside now ♪ 97 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,340 ♪ He's coming ♪ 98 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:09,179 ♪ To make me his own ♪ 99 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,682 ♪ In these cold marble halls ♪ 100 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,351 ♪ Where the men hold their balls ♪ 101 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:25,135 ♪ Why must I always be all alone? ♪ 102 00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,849 Lovely, dear. Just lovely. 103 00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:34,954 At that moment, they spotted Dick. 104 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,498 A young man with floppy hair, bee-stung lips- 105 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:41,502 - and a strangely ambivalent sexuality. 106 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:45,464 One of those impossibly pretty English boys with ravish-me bedroom eyes- 107 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,508 - and bathroom legs and drawing room thighs... 108 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,927 Yes, thank you, Piano. I think we get it. 109 00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,055 - Dick! - Hello, everybody. 110 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:55,850 - Hello, Whoopsie. Hello, Emma, old sausage. - Hello, Dick. 111 00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,727 What are you reading at Oxford, Dick? 112 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,230 Beauty On The Mountie. 113 00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:03,181 That's Mutiny On The Bounty. 114 00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:06,903 Sorry. How's the umbrella thing, Helena? 115 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,572 Oh, Dick! 116 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,533 Why does she take umbrellas? 117 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,203 Well, it's just female hysteria, dear. 118 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:18,081 She needs a little Rogering in Hampstead. 119 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,876 Ooh, he has a new machine called the Happy Chappy, 120 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,754 - which relieves all my female tension. 121 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:28,216 How does it work? Well, I lie down, and he attaches it to me. 122 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,550 Where? 123 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,710 Well, in Hampstead. 124 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,848 I say, Dick, do you fancy a weekend in Norfolk? 125 00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,850 Golly. Sounds a bit dull. 126 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,353 Well, yes, it is a bit dull. But we can play tiddlywinks. 127 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,563 Oh, yes, that sounds spiffing. 128 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,899 Splendid. If you'll excuse me. 129 00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,401 Mind the umbrellas... 130 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,613 Ouch. 131 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,532 Good heavens, look, it's Mr Hudson coming here, 132 00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,743 - to this very house, to meet me for the very first time, 133 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,121 - and perhaps to fall hopelessly in love with me, 134 00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,789 - which he will not be able to express because- 135 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,958 - he is English and cannot mention emotions- 136 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,667 - and has a beastly sick wife, 137 00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,587 - who cannot satisfy his perfectly normal manly urges, 138 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,047 - which could very easily be satisfied- 139 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:09,632 - with some cold cream, a hand towel- 140 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,675 - and a copy of the Guinness Book Of Records. 141 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,888 Thank you, Aunt Maggie. 142 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:18,724 I hope I don't disturb you ladies. 143 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,311 Hey, you, visitor, I'm not a Lady. 144 00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:23,438 Oh, forgive me. It is your hairstyle. 145 00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,983 My name is Hudson. I am in rubber. 146 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,193 Ooh, really? Are you wearing it? 147 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,154 No, no, not wearing it, it is my business. 148 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:34,157 Well, of course it's your business what you wear. 149 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,742 No, no, no, it is my business, my business. 150 00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,620 Mr Hudson is the owner of the Hudson Rubber Company. 151 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:43,416 Oh, the manufacturer of the Happy Chappy? 152 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,377 Well, I find it most satisfactory. 153 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:50,806 Although, occasionally, I do miss the disappointment of a real man. 154 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,011 Mr Hudson discovered those gadgets in India. 155 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,305 He saw the future of rubber and embraced it. 156 00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,515 How precisely this woman understands me. 157 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,352 And how perfectly lovely she is, with her warm eyes, 158 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,728 - her rosy lips and her firm, welcoming, cuddly, bouncy... 159 00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:07,190 I can hear you, Mr Hudson. 160 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,524 I'm very sorry, Miss Schlegel. 161 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,361 Have you seen Dick, Mr Hudson? 162 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,011 Yes, quite a lot in India... 163 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,492 No, no. This is Dick. He's at Oxford. 164 00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:18,742 Oh, oh, what is he reading? 165 00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:21,371 The Three Musty Queers. 166 00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,832 The Three Musketeers. 167 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,583 - Sorry. - Yes, no. 168 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,170 I read French philosophy. Trouble was it was all in French. 169 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,006 Didn't get a word of it. 170 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,966 Oh, Mr Hudson. You're such a card. 171 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,534 Yes. 172 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,281 Yes, yes, well... Well, we mustn't spend all day doing that. 173 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,932 No. 174 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,142 This isn't America. 175 00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,542 How very witty Mr Hudson is, 176 00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:10,002 - and he has such lovely eyes and such manly thighs, 177 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,921 - and such eloquent hips, and such- 178 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,297 - a big... - I can hear you, Miss Schlegel. 179 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,299 Oh, so sorry. 180 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:18,094 Well, I must be off, I need to lubricate a new oiler for my jigger. 181 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,845 I have no idea how that sounds. 182 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,414 It sounds so romantic. 183 00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,978 ♪ Dick, Dick, ♪ ♪ What about Dick? ♪ 184 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,106 ♪ Is there some ♪ ♪ Dreadful mystery ♪ 185 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,941 ♪ Hidden in his history? ♪ 186 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,778 ♪ Dick, Dick, ♪ ♪ His mile is short of yards ♪ 187 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:39,698 ♪ I don't think he is playing ♪ ♪ From a full deck of cards ♪ 188 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,451 ♪ Everybody likes Dick ♪ 189 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,660 ♪ Everybody wants Dick ♪ 190 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:47,331 ♪ Though he seems to be a ♪ ♪ Sandwich short of a full picnic ♪ 191 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:50,960 ♪ Dick, Dick's a cappuccino ♪ ♪ With no foam ♪ 192 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:54,028 ♪ The lights are on but is ♪ ♪ There really anybody home? ♪ 193 00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:03,347 Those boys in the pub seemed to take a real shine to you, Dick. 194 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:07,726 Dick, has anyone ever told you about the birds and the bees? 195 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,229 - I'm 26. - Oh. 196 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,855 Ah. 197 00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,215 But did anybody ever tell you about the birds- 198 00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,736 - and the birds? 199 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,531 No. 200 00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,533 Well, Dick... 201 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:26,412 ...remember when we were very young in the nursery with Nanny, 202 00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:28,914 - being violently incontinent, 203 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:33,210 - and we were like Peter Pan, we never wanted to grow up. 204 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,462 Yes. 205 00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:36,255 Well, when Peter comes fluttering in- 206 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,924 - through the bedroom window, he wants Wendy, 207 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,801 - but not for a wife. 208 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,720 He's looking for a mummy for the Lost Boys. 209 00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:46,265 You are one of the Lost Boys, Dick. Mmm. 210 00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,058 Because I have no mummy? 211 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,394 Because you are different, Dick. 212 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:54,064 Lost Boys are not so much lost as hiding. 213 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:57,652 - From whom? - From the cruel world, Dick, 214 00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:02,729 - which frowns on boys trying on Tiger Lily's flimsy dresses. 215 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:06,076 Or borrowing makeup from Tinker Bell, 216 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,978 - or going out hunting for rough male pirates... 217 00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,957 Let me put it another way. 218 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,876 When Oscar Wilde talks of a love- 219 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,878 - that dare not speak its name... 220 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,254 What's that? 221 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,048 Well, it's male love. 222 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,509 No, no, not that. That! 223 00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,969 There, on the beach. 224 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,913 Oh, good heavens. It's a piano. 225 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,933 What's it doing on the beach? 226 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,344 Sounds like Rachmaninov. 227 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:37,441 I am going to give this piano to the working classes. 228 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:40,027 - Why? - Because they need some new instruments. 229 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,862 But I saw it first. 230 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:46,783 Then we shall call it The Dick Piano for the Working Classes! 231 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,621 - Hey, Bert? - Yes, Ken. 232 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,789 - See that pianer? - Yeah. 233 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:55,459 What's it doing on the beach? 234 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,775 Perhaps it fell off the back of the Titanic. 235 00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,796 Maybe it's a symbol. 236 00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,116 No, it's definitely a piano. 237 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,136 - Hey, you two idiots. - Yes, guv. 238 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,663 - What's your name? - Bertrand Russell. 239 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,807 The philosopher? 240 00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:13,644 No, sir, Bertrand Russell the furniture remover. 241 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:17,772 Oh, well, I want you to remove this piano to London. 242 00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:20,651 I am going to give it to the working classes. 243 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,945 Wow. I'm sure they'll be thrilled. 244 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,271 All 25 million of them. 245 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,283 You okay, Ken? You've gone a bit pale. 246 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,577 Oh, there's something oddly familiar about this piano, Bert. 247 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,370 - What? - I've seen it before. 248 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,330 - Where? - In India. 249 00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,040 When I was in the regiment. 250 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:38,419 It was August 1898, a stinking hot day in Shagistan... 251 00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,383 - What's going on? - He's having a flashback. 252 00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,510 Oh, dear. 253 00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,621 - Can you stop him? - Too late, sir. It's started. 254 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,642 I was in British India, in Shagistan, 255 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,102 - with the Queen's Own Gay Gordons, 256 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,730 - a cross-dressing British regiment- 257 00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,814 - sent to raise morale on the North West frontier. 258 00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:02,934 We were a hundred men under Lord Darling. 259 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,279 Guarding the back passage to India. 260 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,197 One day, I came across a local man, 261 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,900 - by the name of Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley, 262 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:16,355 And he was making something rather special. 263 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,671 There. That is it. It is finished. 264 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,340 - What is it, Deepak? - Well, what does it look like? 265 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,176 Well, looks like a dick. 266 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,929 Exactly. In fact, it is a dick. But a toy one. For women. 267 00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,808 - What kind of toy? - A toy women can play with. 268 00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,851 - Where? - In their privates. 269 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,227 But what would they do with it? 270 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:41,590 Well, er, they could, er, sit on it. 271 00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,567 You mean... 272 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,902 - Yes. - Good grief. You're a monster. 273 00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:50,073 No, rest assured, Sergeant. Women will enjoy this little toy. 274 00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:51,784 Well, I can't believe any woman would ever... 275 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,119 Oh, yes, they will. You may be shocked, Sergeant, 276 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,706 - but you are looking here at the future. 277 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,791 Hitherto, these little private toys- 278 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,543 - have been made only in merchant ivory, 279 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,546 - but now, look you, rubber. 280 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,841 Much more flexible, much more easily sat upon. 281 00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:10,200 - Good God. - You are very naive, Sergeant. 282 00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:12,221 There is a shining future for the personal stimulator. 283 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,681 You see, I believe that one day- 284 00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:16,016 - every woman will have one of these things. 285 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,310 They'll have models in all shapes and sizes that'll make different things- 286 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,355 - and they will shake and they will vibrate and they will buzz. 287 00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,024 They will be called The American Happy Boy. The Old Colonial. 288 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:27,611 Ghetto Blaster. Slippery Sid. Black Beauty. Oh, Calcutta... 289 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:31,240 And your dick will be useful for a little while yet, Sergeant, 290 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,617 - but when push comes to shove it will be nothing compared to one of these- 291 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,143 - little rubber things. And that... 292 00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:38,664 That is the future and then- 293 00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,708 - the Hudson Rubber Company will be worth a fortune. 294 00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,483 And I will get a proper Indian accent. 295 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,454 This... 296 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:50,800 - Yes. This, I believe. - Thank you. 297 00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,685 Morning, Colonel Darling. 298 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,437 Morning, Sergeant. 299 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,814 How's Drag Night coming along? 300 00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:05,816 Ah, the men are very much looking forward to it, sir. 301 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,651 They've been up all night sewing their frocks. 302 00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:09,695 Is there any finer sight- 303 00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:14,491 - than a regiment of young British men in full drag? 304 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,078 By God, it must terrify the enemy. 305 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:20,330 Scares the shit out of me, sir. 306 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,999 - Good grief. - What is it, Sergeant? 307 00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,001 Over there, sir. In the scrub. 308 00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,462 What is that? 309 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,671 Looks like a piano, sir. 310 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,799 Beware, sir, my Lord Darling. 311 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,550 This piano could well bring about the collapse- 312 00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,994 - of the entire British Empire. - What? 313 00:16:34,018 --> 00:16:36,972 Oh, don't mind Deepak, sir. He's always predicting the future. 314 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,440 Last week, he foresaw Sarah Palin. 315 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,606 - What's that? - Some kind of British comedian, I think, sir. 316 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:49,067 And then only last night he foresaw the Kardashians. 317 00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:52,187 Is that some kind of disease? 318 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,073 Yes, it is. 319 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,666 And you should see his little dick. 320 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,334 I beg your pardon. 321 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,919 He's got a little rubber toy, sir, 322 00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:09,387 - that apparently women will put up their hoochy coochy... 323 00:17:09,511 --> 00:17:11,214 That's quite enough of that. 324 00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:13,550 Take this piano back to camp. 325 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:18,138 It will make its debut tonight at the Regimental Fancy Dress Ball. 326 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,474 Oh, no, sahib, I beg you. Rivers will run with blood, 327 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,810 - the wren will leave its nest, 328 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,729 - frogs will fall from the sky and lambs will give birth to little tadpoles, 329 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:30,066 - and the owl will hoot at night... - The owl always hoots at night. 330 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,861 This one will hoot in French! 331 00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:36,448 - Oh, shut up, Deepak, and Sergeant... - Sir. 332 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,475 I want to see you in my tent, the minute we get back. 333 00:17:39,499 --> 00:17:42,504 - Uh, might a few minutes after, sir. - Why? 334 00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:44,688 - I have to take a "Donald". - A what? 335 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,673 A Donald Trump. 336 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:50,629 Ohhh... a dump. 337 00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,883 So I was taken back to camp by the piano wallers, 338 00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:58,470 - a small hill tribe used by the Scots Gays for moving furniture, 339 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,681 - while Sergeant Russell took a Donald- 340 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,614 - and hurried off to meet Lord Darling... 341 00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,020 It's a tent. 342 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,503 Oh, sorry. 343 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,357 - You wanted to see me, sir? - Ah, yes, Sergeant. 344 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:15,654 Come in. The thing is, I wanted a little talk with you- 345 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,198 - because there's something I want to get off my chest. 346 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,742 That ugly picture of your wife, sir? 347 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:24,997 No, my own chest, not off the furniture. 348 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:27,881 Yeah, perhaps it's just a bad angle, sir. 349 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,268 - It's from the front. - Exactly. 350 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,340 Sergeant, I'm trying to tell you something personal, 351 00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:38,301 - but you know how we English people are with emotions. 352 00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:39,845 We don't have any, sir. 353 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:43,640 No, we have some, but we don't share them. 354 00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:46,435 We're not a touchy-feely race. 355 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,277 Like the Nigerians. 356 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,397 What? 357 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:54,651 Look, this may just be sentimental tosh, 358 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,445 - but I have been having feelings- 359 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,656 - about something, well, a little private. 360 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,991 Any little private we know, sir? 361 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:07,289 It feels a bit awkward, I mean, after all, we're in the Army. 362 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:10,341 Yes, it's fairly common in the Navy, sir. 363 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,880 It's just that if anything should happen to me, Sergeant, 364 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,674 - and this is really important, 365 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,200 I should like you to... 366 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,013 What? What did he say? 367 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,431 That's just it. I can't remember. 368 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,391 You can't remember? 369 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,684 Just that it was very important. 370 00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,062 Well, how could you possibly forget? 371 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,522 Because that night, when the piano appeared- 372 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,858 - at the Regimental Transvestite Ball, 373 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,216 - something terrible happened... 374 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,236 Good evening, Major Dickhead. 375 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:42,253 That... That's D'Hard. 376 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,994 What? 377 00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,979 It's spelt "Dickhead," but it's pronounced "D'Hard." 378 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,440 Oh, sorry. 379 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:58,882 Splendid sight, isn't it, all these chaps in their frocks? 380 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,926 Stimulating. 381 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:05,585 - Fancy a stiff one? - I already have one. 382 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,975 - Lovely gown. - Thank you. 383 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:10,226 Sorry to interrupt this gay banter, sir. 384 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,354 But there is a bit of trouble in the camp. 385 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,730 What sort of trouble? 386 00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,231 One of the civilians has been eaten. 387 00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,275 - Beaten? - No, sir. Eaten. 388 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,153 Eton as in the public school, 389 00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:23,657 - founded in 1440 by Henry 6th, Part 3? 390 00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,368 No, sir, eaten as in tucked into a nice sandwich, 391 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:28,787 - nibble, nibble, nibble, part chewed. 392 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,915 - Good grief! - Shall I cancel the ball? 393 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,251 Good Lord, no need to do that, the chaps have been up all night- 394 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,753 - sewing their dresses. 395 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,672 Right-o, sir. 396 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:41,508 But I wish I had, because shortly after the Spot Dance- 397 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,468 - when Corporal Higgins had just won best frock, 398 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,303 - for a beautiful hand-embroidered ball gown, 399 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,597 - all hell broke loose. 400 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,141 It should have been me. 401 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,308 - It was mine. - My frock was much better than yours. 402 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,518 No, mine had no holes in it. 403 00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:52,602 Look at yours, it's still rubbish. 404 00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,146 I don't know what you're... 405 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:57,548 But this terrible bickering was soon silenced... 406 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:03,562 ...by a deadly attack. 407 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:11,577 What sort of enemy attacks during Drag Night? 408 00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:14,166 And I'll tell you one thing, Sergeant. 409 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,333 Before I die... 410 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,963 ...there is a place far off in the future, 411 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:22,966 - where the wind blows off the mountains, 412 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:26,261 - and people will be kind and good- 413 00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:30,599 - and respect one another and be decent and fair... 414 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:31,683 America, sir? 415 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,727 No, not America. 416 00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,437 Holland. 417 00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,444 - But there aren't any mountains in Holland. - What? 418 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,613 Well there's canals and dykes and red light districts with hookers in the windows, 419 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,031 - but no mountains. 420 00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,158 The mountains are a metaphor. 421 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:50,077 But Holland is noted for being flat. 422 00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:51,828 It doesn't matter. 423 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,663 Well, it matters because if the metaphor is to signify it, 424 00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,707 - it must be appropriate to the comparison. 425 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:56,917 No, no, you see, 426 00:21:56,941 --> 00:22:00,378 - a metaphor is by definition a comparison- 427 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,989 - between two different things. - That's a simile. 428 00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:09,578 But the argument was never resolved. 429 00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:13,183 Lord Darling took a terrible wound. 430 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,019 I'm done for, Sergeant. 431 00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:21,014 - Don't forget your promise. - Oh, I won't, sir. 432 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:22,776 But I did. 433 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,611 In the morning, there were only three survivors, 434 00:22:24,635 --> 00:22:28,282 - me, Deepak and this piano. 435 00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:33,620 Look, there's Helena Schlegel walking down Bond Street. 436 00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:35,914 - Helena! - Hello, Reverend Whoopsie. 437 00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:37,373 Is the flashback over? 438 00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:39,168 Yes, thank God. 439 00:22:39,192 --> 00:22:40,961 How was the weekend with Dick? 440 00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:44,337 - Marvellous, we played games. - Who won? 441 00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:46,757 Dick came first. 442 00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:50,368 It was such fun, Helena. I hardly knew I had it in me. 443 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:55,142 Then Dick found this piano on the beach. 444 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:58,050 - Oh, it's a beauty. - Isn't it? 445 00:22:58,127 --> 00:22:59,813 We are giving it to the workers. 446 00:22:59,837 --> 00:23:01,773 Oh. Not to me, Dick? 447 00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:04,943 Mr Whoopsie says the workers need some new instruments. 448 00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:08,238 But it's such a beautiful PNO. You might have thought of me. 449 00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:11,825 Whoopsie was very insistent. Apparently, he has a young man in mind. 450 00:23:11,849 --> 00:23:14,410 Why don't you come along and meet him tonight- 451 00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:17,080 - at The Royal Working Men's Club. 452 00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:26,048 Oh, dear God. Oh, sweet Jesus. 453 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:28,842 Shit. Christ. Hell. Fuck. Will it never end? 454 00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:35,557 I am very pleased to present The Dick Piano for the Working Classes- 455 00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:37,991 - to Leonard Bastard. 456 00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,478 So, what do you think, Helena? 457 00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:43,232 I think it's monstrous, why on earth did you choose him? 458 00:23:43,256 --> 00:23:45,984 Well, look at him, he's beautiful. 459 00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:48,778 But he can't play the PNO to save his life. 460 00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:50,197 Congratulations, Lenny. 461 00:23:50,221 --> 00:23:53,075 Thank you very much, Reverend. 462 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:55,285 Leonard, this is Helena Schlegel. 463 00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:57,620 Very nice to meet you, Miss Schlegel. 464 00:23:57,644 --> 00:23:59,122 How much do you want for the PNO? 465 00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,041 Oh, no. I couldn't possibly part with it. 466 00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:02,625 I'll give you a hundred guineas. 467 00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,794 Heavens, that's more than me wife makes in a year. 468 00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:05,962 You're married? 469 00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,548 Oo's a clever little ducky-wucky? 470 00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:11,658 Come on, Lenny, give us a smacker, then. 471 00:24:13,386 --> 00:24:14,363 This is Enid. 472 00:24:14,387 --> 00:24:16,406 - Who's Enid? - I'm Enid. 473 00:24:16,430 --> 00:24:19,117 - She's your mother? - No, she's me wife. 474 00:24:19,141 --> 00:24:23,254 Oh, I'm sorry. It's the light in here. 475 00:24:24,438 --> 00:24:27,583 Don't worry, vicar, if it weren't for me, Lenny would starve. 476 00:24:27,607 --> 00:24:29,794 Why, what is it you do, Mrs Bastard? 477 00:24:29,818 --> 00:24:30,962 She has men over. 478 00:24:30,986 --> 00:24:32,714 And what does she do with them? 479 00:24:32,738 --> 00:24:34,174 None of your business. 480 00:24:34,198 --> 00:24:37,635 I make them happy. You should try it some time. 481 00:24:37,659 --> 00:24:39,312 - Enid! - What! 482 00:24:41,497 --> 00:24:43,725 Little stuck up git. 483 00:24:43,749 --> 00:24:46,960 She's looking down her nose at us, Lenny. 484 00:24:49,129 --> 00:24:51,139 Golly. How awkward. 485 00:24:53,342 --> 00:24:58,698 Well, I must be off to play Hunt the Thimble with the Bishop of Taunton. 486 00:24:58,722 --> 00:25:01,117 Enjoy the piano, Lenny. 487 00:25:01,141 --> 00:25:03,537 'Ow we ever gonna get that pianer into our place? 488 00:25:03,561 --> 00:25:05,372 We'll manage somehow. 489 00:25:05,396 --> 00:25:07,249 We'll have to get a saw, and cut it in half. 490 00:25:07,273 --> 00:25:09,167 A hundred and fifty guineas. 491 00:25:09,191 --> 00:25:11,794 I can't. I'd like to, miss. But it's more than me life's worth. 492 00:25:11,818 --> 00:25:14,672 - Give me the address, then. - It's at the bottom of Glenn Close. 493 00:25:14,696 --> 00:25:16,049 I'll tell the Russell brothers. 494 00:25:16,073 --> 00:25:18,760 That's in 'Oundsditch, miss. 495 00:25:18,784 --> 00:25:21,555 But you probably won't never 'ave 'eard of it. 496 00:25:21,679 --> 00:25:23,573 - Enid. - What! 497 00:25:23,597 --> 00:25:25,492 She is only trying to help, girl. 498 00:25:25,516 --> 00:25:27,536 I don't trust her, Lenny. 499 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,412 I don't like the way she is looking. 500 00:25:29,436 --> 00:25:33,215 - At me? - No, at the piano. 501 00:25:33,815 --> 00:25:36,336 - Hey, you two idiots? - Yes, miss. 502 00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,505 You're to take this PNO to Kensington Gardens. 503 00:25:38,529 --> 00:25:40,465 This what? I think she means the pianer. 504 00:25:40,489 --> 00:25:43,009 Well, why doesn't she fucking well say so? 505 00:25:43,033 --> 00:25:45,595 - Oh, she's a toff. But she has very nice... - Oh, she certainly does... 506 00:25:45,619 --> 00:25:49,015 Hurry up, you two working-class wankers, to Kensington. 507 00:25:49,039 --> 00:25:51,476 Kensington? I thought it was going to Houndsditch. 508 00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:53,811 No. It's written "Houndsditch"- 509 00:25:53,835 --> 00:25:56,338 - but it's pronounced "Kensington." 510 00:25:57,256 --> 00:25:59,859 Oh, I see, that's why she's a toff and I'm just a cunt... 511 00:25:59,883 --> 00:26:01,069 ...try boy. 512 00:26:03,095 --> 00:26:05,739 Come on then, Warhorse. 513 00:26:05,763 --> 00:26:08,702 Look, Lenny, there's the cart wiv our pianer. 514 00:26:08,726 --> 00:26:10,786 That's not the way to 'Oundsditch. I knew it. 515 00:26:10,810 --> 00:26:12,163 They're 'eading for Kensington. 516 00:26:12,187 --> 00:26:14,040 Perhaps there's a mistake. 517 00:26:14,064 --> 00:26:16,209 Yeah, accepting pianers from Whoopsie vicars is the mistake. 518 00:26:16,233 --> 00:26:18,211 - Quick, after them. - I'll call the police. 519 00:26:18,235 --> 00:26:21,715 No, no, no, no, not the police, Lenny. 520 00:26:21,739 --> 00:26:23,466 Think of my work. 521 00:26:23,490 --> 00:26:26,428 What is it exactly that you do? 522 00:26:26,452 --> 00:26:30,764 I've told you, Lenny, it's... It's a kind of therapy. 523 00:26:30,788 --> 00:26:32,975 But must they take their trousers off? 524 00:26:32,999 --> 00:26:34,977 We'll talk about that later, Lenny. 525 00:26:35,001 --> 00:26:37,146 - No, I want to talk about it now. - Oh! 526 00:26:37,170 --> 00:26:42,110 All right, Leonard, I'm an Ass Reader. 527 00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:47,115 You what? 528 00:26:47,139 --> 00:26:52,102 I tell people's fortunes. It's like palm reading, only I read their asses. 529 00:26:53,937 --> 00:26:56,773 Asstrology? 530 00:26:57,983 --> 00:27:00,002 Exactly. 531 00:27:00,026 --> 00:27:02,046 Why do you have to work all the time? 532 00:27:02,070 --> 00:27:03,506 Because... 533 00:27:05,658 --> 00:27:08,595 ♪ I'm a simple girl ♪ ♪ From 'Oundsditch ♪ 534 00:27:08,619 --> 00:27:11,837 ♪ Arse reading's what I do ♪ 535 00:27:12,539 --> 00:27:14,976 ♪ Bend over, ♪ ♪ Drop your trousers, Len ♪ 536 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,336 ♪ I'll read your future, too ♪ 537 00:27:18,211 --> 00:27:19,355 No! 538 00:27:19,379 --> 00:27:21,316 ♪ Each spotty little botty ♪ 539 00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:24,778 ♪ Speaks volumes like a book ♪ 540 00:27:24,802 --> 00:27:27,781 ♪ Bend over, ♪ ♪ My sweet Lenny dear ♪ 541 00:27:27,805 --> 00:27:31,159 ♪ And let me take a look ♪ 542 00:27:31,183 --> 00:27:32,786 Get out of it. 543 00:27:32,810 --> 00:27:35,664 ♪ Asstrology ♪ 544 00:27:35,688 --> 00:27:37,915 ♪ Asstrology ♪ 545 00:27:37,939 --> 00:27:42,796 ♪ As old as the hills ♪ ♪ Like geology ♪ 546 00:27:42,820 --> 00:27:46,382 ♪ All that is written ♪ ♪ And will come to pass ♪ 547 00:27:46,406 --> 00:27:49,535 ♪ Is buried down ♪ ♪ Deep in your arse ♪ 548 00:27:49,559 --> 00:27:50,844 Ugh! 549 00:27:50,868 --> 00:27:54,557 ♪ Each little wrinkle ♪ ♪ And crinkle and dimple ♪ 550 00:27:54,581 --> 00:27:58,894 ♪ Will foretell the future ♪ ♪ It's really that simple ♪ 551 00:27:58,918 --> 00:28:03,107 ♪ Look on the light side ♪ ♪ And not on the black side ♪ 552 00:28:03,131 --> 00:28:07,885 ♪ Your face is your fortune ♪ ♪ But so is your backside ♪ 553 00:28:08,512 --> 00:28:09,947 Come on, Lenny. 554 00:28:09,971 --> 00:28:12,826 ♪ Asstrology ♪ 555 00:28:12,850 --> 00:28:15,161 ♪ Asstrology ♪ 556 00:28:15,185 --> 00:28:19,582 ♪ It all sounds like hogwash ♪ ♪ And hoo-hah to me ♪ 557 00:28:19,606 --> 00:28:23,503 ♪ I prefer psychology ♪ 558 00:28:23,527 --> 00:28:27,632 ♪ Shut up and let me ♪ ♪ Read your arse ♪ 559 00:28:27,656 --> 00:28:32,053 ♪ So each little problem ♪ ♪ That's found on me mind ♪ 560 00:28:32,077 --> 00:28:36,015 ♪ Is written down ♪ ♪ Neatly upon my behind ♪ 561 00:28:36,039 --> 00:28:39,811 ♪ The past though completely ♪ ♪ And utterly gone ♪ 562 00:28:39,835 --> 00:28:46,615 ♪ Is plainly still ♪ ♪ Writ upon my sit-upon ♪ 563 00:28:47,008 --> 00:28:51,740 ♪ Asstrology ♪ 564 00:28:51,764 --> 00:28:53,867 ♪ Asstrology ♪ 565 00:28:53,891 --> 00:28:56,661 ♪ They say that ♪ ♪ Whatever will be ♪ 566 00:28:56,685 --> 00:28:58,454 ♪ Will be ♪ 567 00:28:58,478 --> 00:29:02,250 ♪ But whatever happens ♪ ♪ When shove comes to push ♪ 568 00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:05,002 ♪ The future is ♪ ♪ Found in your tush ♪ 569 00:29:05,026 --> 00:29:06,838 ♪ Tush! Tush! ♪ 570 00:29:12,342 --> 00:29:15,196 It's very late, where can that neurotic girl be? 571 00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,532 Don't worry, Aunt Maggie. Here's Helena now. 572 00:29:17,556 --> 00:29:19,868 - On a cart. - Hey, Emma, look what I've got. 573 00:29:19,892 --> 00:29:20,786 Not more umbrellas? 574 00:29:20,810 --> 00:29:21,995 She's got a piano! 575 00:29:22,019 --> 00:29:23,329 Where on earth did you get it? 576 00:29:23,353 --> 00:29:25,289 Uh, Dick found it and gave it to me. 577 00:29:25,313 --> 00:29:28,167 Out of breath, out of breath. Excuse me. 578 00:29:29,317 --> 00:29:31,629 - Yes? - That's my piano. 579 00:29:31,653 --> 00:29:33,756 - No, it's not. - Oh, Helena, don't tell me... 580 00:29:33,780 --> 00:29:35,174 It's mine, Emma. 581 00:29:35,198 --> 00:29:36,676 Give it back to me or I shall call the police. 582 00:29:36,700 --> 00:29:38,928 Yeah, you tell her, Lenny. 583 00:29:38,952 --> 00:29:41,055 What exactly do you want? 584 00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:43,057 We want his piano, Miss 'Oity Toity. 585 00:29:43,081 --> 00:29:45,142 Stand aside, you ruffians. 586 00:29:45,166 --> 00:29:46,644 Why, Mr Hudson. 587 00:29:46,668 --> 00:29:47,896 May I be of some assistance? 588 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,147 This Lady is nicking my piano. 589 00:29:50,171 --> 00:29:52,358 How dare you make scurrilous aspersions- 590 00:29:52,382 --> 00:29:54,819 - about a young, neurotic upper-class woman. 591 00:29:54,843 --> 00:29:56,404 I shall thrash you, sir. With my umbrella. 592 00:29:56,428 --> 00:29:58,239 - Ooh, I will take that. - Thank you. - Oh, here. 593 00:29:58,263 --> 00:30:00,199 Um... 594 00:30:00,223 --> 00:30:02,869 Please, Mr Hudson. Do not thrash him. He is working-class. 595 00:30:02,893 --> 00:30:05,580 Oh, no, he fucking ain't. He ain't even working. 596 00:30:05,604 --> 00:30:07,415 I mean, Leonard's unemployed, 597 00:30:07,439 --> 00:30:08,958 - and we'll be forced to fetch the police- 598 00:30:08,982 --> 00:30:10,626 - if you don't give me that pianer back. 599 00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:14,005 Stealin' a pianer in broad daylight, oh... 600 00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:17,425 Why, I never heard the like of it. Oh, so help me. 601 00:30:17,449 --> 00:30:21,888 I never did in all of my born days... Cor blimey! 602 00:30:21,912 --> 00:30:25,808 Lawks amercy, cross me heart and hope to die. 603 00:30:32,798 --> 00:30:35,917 What is she, some kind of Dickens festival? 604 00:30:37,761 --> 00:30:40,430 She is on crack cocaine. 605 00:30:41,306 --> 00:30:42,992 Get this woman out of here. 606 00:30:43,016 --> 00:30:46,419 Ooh, hello, cuddle-butt. 607 00:30:47,186 --> 00:30:49,958 - Do you know her? - Er, no. 608 00:30:49,982 --> 00:30:51,793 Absolutely not. Never seen her before in my life. 609 00:30:51,817 --> 00:30:53,836 - You know this man, Enid? - Yeah, he's a regular. 610 00:30:53,860 --> 00:30:55,004 Saturday's at 8:00. 611 00:30:55,028 --> 00:30:56,338 What is she talking about? 612 00:30:56,362 --> 00:30:58,340 - The woman's mad. - Come on, Enid. 613 00:30:58,364 --> 00:31:00,927 Let's fetch the coppers. You haven't 'eard the last of this. 614 00:31:00,951 --> 00:31:05,514 See you Saturday as usual, dimple butt. 615 00:31:05,538 --> 00:31:07,516 Can I ask you a favour, Mr Hudson? 616 00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:09,811 That man Leonard, who was just here, would you go after him? 617 00:31:09,835 --> 00:31:11,938 Go after him and offer to beat his lights out? 618 00:31:11,962 --> 00:31:13,106 No, offer him a job. 619 00:31:13,130 --> 00:31:14,315 Oh, whatever for? 620 00:31:14,339 --> 00:31:16,734 The piano was his. Helena took it. 621 00:31:16,758 --> 00:31:18,778 Oh, dear. The umbrella thing is getting much worse. 622 00:31:18,802 --> 00:31:21,322 Yes. And soon the police will be here, and there'll be an awful stink. 623 00:31:21,346 --> 00:31:22,490 Where is this piano? 624 00:31:22,514 --> 00:31:24,241 Over there on the cart. 625 00:31:24,265 --> 00:31:26,494 - Hey, you two idiots. - Yes, guv. 626 00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:28,496 - What's your name? - Ken Russell. 627 00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:31,124 - Don't I know you? - No idea, guv. 628 00:31:31,148 --> 00:31:34,836 His memory's gone, sir. He can't remember anything since the Shagistan Massacre. 629 00:31:34,860 --> 00:31:36,963 Oh. I see. Right. Well, I want you to take this piano- 630 00:31:36,987 --> 00:31:39,465 - over to Trevor Howard's End. 631 00:31:39,489 --> 00:31:42,551 That is my country cottage in Norfolk. The piano will be safe there. 632 00:31:42,575 --> 00:31:44,795 Right-o, Guv. Come on, Warhorse. 633 00:31:47,873 --> 00:31:50,225 And now, Emma, I will make my excuses, 634 00:31:50,249 --> 00:31:52,186 - and I shall pursue Leonard Bastard to offer- 635 00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:54,522 - him a job in the accounting department. 636 00:31:54,546 --> 00:31:57,025 Oh, I don't know how to thank you, Mr Hudson. 637 00:31:57,049 --> 00:32:00,111 You do not need to thank me unless, perhaps, do you have a hairbrush? 638 00:32:00,135 --> 00:32:01,386 Yes, why? 639 00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:03,614 Oh, nothing. 640 00:32:05,140 --> 00:32:06,909 She detains me with her eyes. 641 00:32:06,933 --> 00:32:08,828 I have a strong compulsion towards her. It is as if... 642 00:32:08,852 --> 00:32:10,204 It is as if I can read his thoughts. 643 00:32:10,228 --> 00:32:11,747 It is as if she can read my thoughts. 644 00:32:11,771 --> 00:32:12,832 That's because we are speaking out loud. 645 00:32:12,856 --> 00:32:14,249 Oh, yes, I suppose so. 646 00:32:14,273 --> 00:32:16,835 - So we are, still... - Exactly. 647 00:32:16,859 --> 00:32:17,795 - It's not as if... - No, hardly at all. 648 00:32:17,819 --> 00:32:19,505 And just to think, if something doesn't... 649 00:32:19,529 --> 00:32:21,090 - No, of course, it doesn't. - What's the harm in that? 650 00:32:21,114 --> 00:32:22,800 - Simply thinking. - And fantasizing. 651 00:32:22,824 --> 00:32:24,093 - Perfectly normal. - You know what I'd like to do? 652 00:32:24,117 --> 00:32:25,678 I have an idea. 653 00:32:25,702 --> 00:32:27,555 I'd like to be a butler. 654 00:32:30,165 --> 00:32:32,309 - A butler? - In a great house. 655 00:32:32,333 --> 00:32:34,729 How odd. I too dream of serving. 656 00:32:34,753 --> 00:32:36,480 As a housekeeper? To serve alongside a man- 657 00:32:36,504 --> 00:32:39,192 - who likes order and discipline. 658 00:32:39,216 --> 00:32:41,485 Wearing a simple black dress of silk, maybe? 659 00:32:41,509 --> 00:32:43,388 Yes. 660 00:32:43,412 --> 00:32:45,322 With a tightly laced black corset underneath. 661 00:32:45,346 --> 00:32:46,824 Yes. 662 00:32:46,848 --> 00:32:51,234 - Perhaps, regulation black stockings... - Oh, certainly. 663 00:32:55,382 --> 00:32:58,511 Forgive me, Miss Schlegel. I must just go and rearrange my furniture. 664 00:32:58,535 --> 00:33:00,119 Oh, heavens. 665 00:33:01,721 --> 00:33:03,992 These are new trousers. I'm just breaking them in for a friend... 666 00:33:04,016 --> 00:33:06,059 - So I see. - Excuse me. 667 00:33:07,769 --> 00:33:12,708 Not so fast yer Upper Middley Classy ponangers. 668 00:33:12,732 --> 00:33:14,836 Allow may tae introduceay mayself. 669 00:33:14,860 --> 00:33:17,880 I'm a Private Dick by the name of Inspector McGuffin, o' New Scotland Yard, 670 00:33:17,904 --> 00:33:21,843 Missing Furniture Division, including instruments, mouth organs, 671 00:33:21,867 --> 00:33:25,179 - banjos and other such items lost from time to time and reported- 672 00:33:25,203 --> 00:33:27,205 - by the public to the police. 673 00:33:29,541 --> 00:33:31,209 Well, how do you do? 674 00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:34,337 Aye'll ask the fecking questions. 675 00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:38,442 Well, Inspector, I am a very busy man- 676 00:33:38,466 --> 00:33:39,861 - could you possibly tell me what this is all about? 677 00:33:39,885 --> 00:33:41,487 Schertley. 678 00:33:41,511 --> 00:33:43,280 Er youngy man fra the workers, Lennordy Bastard, 679 00:33:43,304 --> 00:33:45,616 - was given ay pianey frae errrr the Reverend Whoopsie... 680 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,184 I'm sorry, what? 681 00:33:48,518 --> 00:33:51,330 A pianey. Young laddie fra the working class, 682 00:33:51,354 --> 00:33:54,500 - apparently playin pianey id de Royal Macworkey class Enstaychute. 683 00:33:54,524 --> 00:34:00,321 Yon laddie wi great big hairstool tookey thi pianey contray ter all law to... 684 00:34:01,865 --> 00:34:04,052 ...The Kensington Gardens - 685 00:34:04,076 --> 00:34:06,971 - where a man identified later to be of the Hudson Rubbery Company, 686 00:34:06,995 --> 00:34:09,473 - ter wit yersen wishty take aweay- 687 00:34:09,497 --> 00:34:11,308 - pianey and secreting eh the same pianey- 688 00:34:11,332 --> 00:34:14,520 - far away fra'distant place- 689 00:34:14,544 --> 00:34:18,566 - arousing the sushpicions of the Metropolitan Opera and Politze, 690 00:34:18,590 --> 00:34:21,819 - namely Inschpector McGuffin, who is demanding of the same eh Mr Hudson, 691 00:34:21,843 --> 00:34:24,655 - the return of or any eh en-formation- 692 00:34:24,679 --> 00:34:27,281 - regarding the arrest of the said pianey. 693 00:34:35,207 --> 00:34:37,425 Could you just run that by me again? 694 00:34:38,668 --> 00:34:41,913 - Mishter Hudson... - Yes, I got that bit. 695 00:34:41,963 --> 00:34:44,775 Doo ye, or doo yee not, have taken possession- 696 00:34:44,799 --> 00:34:47,903 - of the same youngy man Lenny Bastard's pianey, 697 00:34:47,927 --> 00:34:50,906 - purloining in the same said pianey forte contray- 698 00:34:50,930 --> 00:34:54,493 - tay al usages and practices for yer own self abuse. 699 00:34:54,517 --> 00:34:56,370 In yer own werds, plese. 700 00:34:56,394 --> 00:34:58,747 I can honestly assure you, Inspector, 701 00:34:58,771 --> 00:35:00,749 - I have no idea what you are talking about. 702 00:35:02,817 --> 00:35:05,462 Oh, ya, havnae wishty wishty nae clue nay conceptuality- 703 00:35:05,486 --> 00:35:07,673 - of whatsomeer aye be talking aboot? 704 00:35:07,697 --> 00:35:11,059 Ah, are you offering us a holiday in Scotland? 705 00:35:13,161 --> 00:35:16,390 Ahm no offering ye a holiday in Schotland yer daft tit. 706 00:35:16,414 --> 00:35:18,059 Do ye no understand any English? 707 00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:19,542 Where is day feckin' piana? 708 00:35:21,002 --> 00:35:23,022 What feckin' piana? 709 00:35:23,046 --> 00:35:25,607 Don't come the raw prawn with me, sonny. 710 00:35:25,631 --> 00:35:27,193 I think he means piano. 711 00:35:27,217 --> 00:35:29,153 Oh, thank ye for the transliteration, 712 00:35:29,177 --> 00:35:31,947 - ye upper tighty, upper classy emotionally retarded twatty. 713 00:35:35,141 --> 00:35:38,329 Do you honestly see any piano, Inspector? 714 00:35:38,353 --> 00:35:41,415 Don't be too fecking clever wiv Inspector MaGuffin, son. 715 00:35:41,439 --> 00:35:44,418 Fer the noo... 716 00:35:44,442 --> 00:35:47,129 Fer the noo, I'll trouble ye nay further. 717 00:35:47,153 --> 00:35:49,406 But ahm nay through with you, big boy. 718 00:35:50,740 --> 00:35:54,762 So cheerio the noo, my kenspeckle neebur! 719 00:35:54,786 --> 00:35:58,349 And when the wee moose visits your bag of oatmeal- 720 00:35:58,373 --> 00:36:02,561 - may it no' return empty-handed. 721 00:36:02,585 --> 00:36:06,357 The more you know, the less the better! 722 00:36:06,381 --> 00:36:09,342 Bee Baw Babbity, Aye Cockalorum! 723 00:36:21,062 --> 00:36:22,439 What an odd person. 724 00:36:24,941 --> 00:36:26,543 Miss Schlegel, are you hungry? Would you like some dinner? 725 00:36:26,567 --> 00:36:27,836 Oh, gosh, yes, I'm starving. 726 00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:29,171 Well then let's say tomorrow, say, 727 00:36:29,195 --> 00:36:30,339 - at my country house in Norfolk? 728 00:36:30,363 --> 00:36:31,948 Oh... Okay. 729 00:36:33,741 --> 00:36:37,305 Next day while I was on the cart, being driven up to Norfolk, 730 00:36:37,329 --> 00:36:40,849 - Emma took the train to dine at Trevor Howard's End. 731 00:36:44,836 --> 00:36:47,189 I was as excited as a little girl. 732 00:36:47,213 --> 00:36:50,525 To be going up alone to visit the man of my dreams! 733 00:36:50,549 --> 00:36:52,987 I was as giggly as a giddy goose. 734 00:36:53,011 --> 00:36:54,947 To get away from my family and friends, 735 00:36:54,971 --> 00:36:57,491 - I was feeling so very grown up when... 736 00:36:57,515 --> 00:36:59,410 - Hello Emma. - Reverend Whoopsie! 737 00:36:59,434 --> 00:37:01,245 Surprise! 738 00:37:01,269 --> 00:37:02,913 What are you doing on this train? 739 00:37:02,937 --> 00:37:05,624 Aunt Maggie wanted to make sure you were safe. 740 00:37:05,648 --> 00:37:08,419 Oh I'll be perfectly safe alone in a bedroom in a country cottage- 741 00:37:08,443 --> 00:37:10,879 - with an unhappily married man. 742 00:37:10,903 --> 00:37:12,547 Think of your reputation dear. 743 00:37:12,571 --> 00:37:14,216 Aunt Maggie, you're here too? 744 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:15,843 I love a train journey. 745 00:37:15,867 --> 00:37:18,744 All the jiggling about. It's like the Happy Boy. 746 00:37:21,331 --> 00:37:22,557 Is that you Dick? 747 00:37:22,581 --> 00:37:25,478 Hello, Emma. I've brought me mouth organ. 748 00:37:25,502 --> 00:37:27,188 And I can't wait to play my piano. 749 00:37:27,212 --> 00:37:29,023 Helena, you as well? 750 00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:31,400 I'm so excited, I've already found three umbrellas on the train. 751 00:37:31,424 --> 00:37:33,152 - Give them back. - No! 752 00:37:33,176 --> 00:37:35,863 The owners got off ages ago and we're here now. 753 00:37:35,887 --> 00:37:38,532 Spiggy Junction, Spiggy Junction. 754 00:37:38,556 --> 00:37:41,118 All change for Cobblers Bottom, 755 00:37:41,142 --> 00:37:44,330 Wriggley in the Wart, Cuddlestrum under Pratt, 756 00:37:44,354 --> 00:37:46,165 - Lower Neathsbucket, 757 00:37:46,189 --> 00:37:48,750 - Buttholes Landing, 758 00:37:48,774 --> 00:37:51,753 - Downton Abbey... 759 00:37:51,777 --> 00:37:53,488 Upper Prostate, 760 00:37:54,406 --> 00:37:56,842 - Bingley Bongly, 761 00:37:56,866 --> 00:38:00,703 - Lower Forking and Spunky cum Snotterwold. 762 00:38:01,913 --> 00:38:04,641 Emma! Welcome to Trevor Howard's End. 763 00:38:04,665 --> 00:38:06,852 Mister Hudson, how kind of you to invite me. 764 00:38:06,876 --> 00:38:07,812 Us! 765 00:38:07,836 --> 00:38:09,480 - What? - Hello. 766 00:38:09,504 --> 00:38:11,399 - Hello, Mister H. - Hello, there. 767 00:38:11,423 --> 00:38:14,827 Oh. I didn't expect the bloody Spanish Inquisition. 768 00:38:26,438 --> 00:38:28,249 No, no, neither did I. 769 00:38:28,273 --> 00:38:30,023 They insisted on chaperoning me. 770 00:38:31,401 --> 00:38:33,212 Good grief. What do they think is going to happen? 771 00:38:33,236 --> 00:38:34,713 It's not as if we're going to run off into the woods- 772 00:38:34,737 --> 00:38:36,757 - and start playing vicars and nurses. 773 00:38:36,781 --> 00:38:41,220 No. Though I hear the woods can be very lovely this time of year. 774 00:38:41,244 --> 00:38:44,772 Especially with a picnic and some extra virgin olive oil. Mmm. 775 00:38:45,623 --> 00:38:47,476 Well, look, please, all of you, why don't you- 776 00:38:47,500 --> 00:38:49,270 - just go and play with the farm machinery? 777 00:38:49,294 --> 00:38:51,897 Um, I have to go and poison some rats. 778 00:38:51,921 --> 00:38:54,816 May I help you poison rats, Mr Hudson? 779 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:58,320 Very kind of you, Emma, but it's best left to a man, this job. 780 00:38:58,344 --> 00:38:59,988 Yes, what's more natural on a Saturday afternoon- 781 00:39:00,012 --> 00:39:02,366 - than a good game of poisoning rats? 782 00:39:02,390 --> 00:39:04,118 - Especially if you can't... - Well, precisely. It's very... 783 00:39:04,142 --> 00:39:06,245 - Healthy. - Exactly. It takes my mind off... 784 00:39:06,269 --> 00:39:08,622 - Other things. - Quite. Otherwise, a man can get very... 785 00:39:08,646 --> 00:39:10,499 - Whimsical. - Without a regular... 786 00:39:10,523 --> 00:39:12,418 - Regime. - It's hard for a man to... 787 00:39:12,442 --> 00:39:14,628 - Fulfil himself. - Quite. 788 00:39:14,652 --> 00:39:17,590 Mr Hudson, may I help you finish your sentences this weekend? 789 00:39:17,614 --> 00:39:19,383 At the weekend, yes, Miss Schlegel, 790 00:39:19,407 --> 00:39:21,385 - that would be so very... Very... 791 00:39:23,578 --> 00:39:24,347 Fuck. 792 00:39:24,371 --> 00:39:25,764 Whatever was that? 793 00:39:25,788 --> 00:39:28,767 I don't know, um, that's just... 794 00:39:28,791 --> 00:39:30,585 I think it's my wife. She's dying. 795 00:39:31,085 --> 00:39:32,729 Oh, dear. 796 00:39:32,753 --> 00:39:35,274 No need to worry. She usually dies about this time of day. 797 00:39:35,298 --> 00:39:37,859 You can set your watch by it. It's a form of wisteria. 798 00:39:37,883 --> 00:39:40,583 - Hysteria? - No, wisteria, she's allergic to it. 799 00:39:41,513 --> 00:39:45,075 She was touched incorrectly in a cave in India. 800 00:39:45,099 --> 00:39:48,468 Ever since then the sight of wisteria makes her wisterical. 801 00:39:49,937 --> 00:39:52,249 You do not trust your emotions, do you, Mr Hudson? 802 00:39:52,273 --> 00:39:53,917 I believe emotions are like rats, 803 00:39:53,941 --> 00:39:56,003 - they should be poisoned at birth. 804 00:39:56,027 --> 00:39:57,254 Mr Hudson... 805 00:39:57,278 --> 00:39:59,638 ...do you know what a hooded clitoris is? 806 00:40:00,657 --> 00:40:03,550 Yes, It is a kind of snake with a cap on. 807 00:40:04,702 --> 00:40:08,972 - No, It is found in the vulva. - Ah, Argentina. 808 00:40:11,125 --> 00:40:13,395 Have you any idea what the vagina is? 809 00:40:13,419 --> 00:40:16,147 Well, that's a river in the Belgian Congo. 810 00:40:16,755 --> 00:40:18,484 Oh, Mister Hudson, do not toy with me. 811 00:40:18,508 --> 00:40:19,734 My gynaecologist tells me I may- 812 00:40:19,758 --> 00:40:21,195 -never be able to have an emotion. 813 00:40:21,219 --> 00:40:22,988 Do not despair, Miss Schlegel, these days, 814 00:40:23,012 --> 00:40:25,073 - we can do wonderful things with rubber. 815 00:40:27,475 --> 00:40:31,245 And now if you'll excuse me, I have to hit Tracey, and... 816 00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:36,617 But more to the point, my wife is dying again. I must go and give her sugar. 817 00:40:37,235 --> 00:40:39,213 What a strange man he is. 818 00:40:39,237 --> 00:40:40,922 But I believe he understands me- 819 00:40:40,946 --> 00:40:42,675 - despite his attempts to distract me- 820 00:40:42,699 --> 00:40:44,510 - with interesting discourse about rat poison. 821 00:40:44,534 --> 00:40:46,518 - I can still hear you. - Oh, sorry. 822 00:40:50,415 --> 00:40:53,519 Whoa, there. Look at that house, Ken. 823 00:40:53,543 --> 00:40:57,064 Blimey. Anne fucking Hathaway's fucking cottage. 824 00:40:57,088 --> 00:40:58,982 Last time I saw so much thatch, 825 00:40:59,006 --> 00:41:00,784 - it was on a stripper in Belgium. 826 00:41:02,635 --> 00:41:05,322 Ere Bert see that bloke lurking in the window? 827 00:41:05,346 --> 00:41:06,781 - The one watching us? - Yeah. Do I know him? 828 00:41:06,805 --> 00:41:09,284 - Yeah, it's Mister Hudson. - He looks familiar. 829 00:41:09,308 --> 00:41:11,269 You saw him yesterday when he told us to bring the piano here. 830 00:41:11,293 --> 00:41:12,287 Oh, yeah. 831 00:41:12,311 --> 00:41:13,539 He thought he knew you. 832 00:41:13,563 --> 00:41:15,040 - From where? - He didn't say. 833 00:41:15,064 --> 00:41:17,418 Look, Dick, my PNO is here. 834 00:41:17,442 --> 00:41:19,670 You're jolly fond of that piano, aren't you? 835 00:41:19,694 --> 00:41:21,213 I love it, Dick. 836 00:41:21,237 --> 00:41:22,673 Thank you ever so. 837 00:41:22,697 --> 00:41:24,550 Hey, you wouldn't marry me, would you? 838 00:41:24,574 --> 00:41:27,177 - What? - Become my awful wedded wife. 839 00:41:27,201 --> 00:41:29,096 That's lawful, Dick. 840 00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:30,931 - Oh. - And it's not lawful, we're cousins. 841 00:41:30,955 --> 00:41:32,558 Doesn't stop the Royal Family. 842 00:41:32,582 --> 00:41:34,727 Yes, but they're all bonkers. 843 00:41:34,751 --> 00:41:37,229 Dick, you are very beautiful, but you are a little bit... 844 00:41:37,253 --> 00:41:41,108 - Am I? - Yes... - Am I? -Yes, Dick. Just a tad. 845 00:41:41,532 --> 00:41:43,551 I'm so sorry, I don't care for you in that way. 846 00:41:43,575 --> 00:41:44,528 I can't marry you. 847 00:41:44,552 --> 00:41:48,005 - Well, never mind. I'm gay anyway. - What? 848 00:41:48,139 --> 00:41:50,433 He's different. That's all. 849 00:41:53,436 --> 00:41:56,138 ♪ He's different ♪ 850 00:41:56,522 --> 00:41:59,074 ♪ So very different ♪ 851 00:41:59,317 --> 00:42:02,278 ♪ Oh, very different ♪ 852 00:42:02,654 --> 00:42:05,572 ♪ In every way ♪ 853 00:42:05,823 --> 00:42:09,219 ♪ That's right, I'm different ♪ 854 00:42:09,243 --> 00:42:13,056 ♪ So very different ♪ 855 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,017 ♪ Oh, very different ♪ 856 00:42:16,041 --> 00:42:19,261 ♪ Not gay ♪ 857 00:42:19,712 --> 00:42:22,524 ♪ He's not the same as other boys ♪ 858 00:42:22,548 --> 00:42:24,818 ♪ He likes to play ♪ ♪ With different toys ♪ 859 00:42:24,842 --> 00:42:29,163 ♪ I like to stay out late ♪ ♪ And dress in fancy things ♪ 860 00:42:29,187 --> 00:42:30,658 ♪ Of course you do ♪ 861 00:42:30,682 --> 00:42:33,452 ♪ He's not the only one ♪ ♪ There's been ♪ 862 00:42:33,476 --> 00:42:36,664 ♪ I'm not the first king ♪ Who is a queen ♪ 863 00:42:36,688 --> 00:42:39,166 ♪ But it's illegal still ♪ 864 00:42:39,190 --> 00:42:44,843 ♪ So that is why we sing ♪ 865 00:42:45,029 --> 00:42:48,748 ♪ That he is different ♪ 866 00:42:48,949 --> 00:42:52,346 ♪ Oh, very different ♪ 867 00:42:52,370 --> 00:42:56,423 ♪ So very different ♪ 868 00:42:57,583 --> 00:42:59,561 ♪ Not...♪ 869 00:42:59,585 --> 00:43:03,155 ♪ ...Gay ♪ 870 00:43:07,968 --> 00:43:10,739 Helena played'with me all afternoon, 871 00:43:10,763 --> 00:43:12,991 - tickling my ivories with her lovely fingers. 872 00:43:13,015 --> 00:43:15,494 I must say she has a lovely touch. 873 00:43:15,518 --> 00:43:18,246 Meanwhile, Whoopsie and Dick disappeared into the woods, 874 00:43:18,270 --> 00:43:21,834 - Maggie and Emma went for a walk amongst the bluebells, 875 00:43:21,858 --> 00:43:27,422 - and Hudson busied himself poisoning rats until around 3:00, when... 876 00:43:27,446 --> 00:43:30,258 I say, has anyone seen Dick? 877 00:43:30,282 --> 00:43:33,319 - What about Dick? - I've lost him. 878 00:43:33,393 --> 00:43:34,446 What? 879 00:43:34,470 --> 00:43:36,530 One minute, we were playing hide and seek, 880 00:43:36,554 --> 00:43:38,825 - and the next he'd gone. 881 00:43:38,849 --> 00:43:40,785 He's probably playing a game on you. 882 00:43:40,809 --> 00:43:45,532 Oh, yes, of course, I'm sure he'll be back for dinner. 883 00:43:47,506 --> 00:43:48,965 It's a lovely dinner, Mister Hudson. 884 00:43:48,976 --> 00:43:50,662 The curried goat is delicious. 885 00:43:50,686 --> 00:43:52,330 Yes, it's something my wife picked up in India. 886 00:43:52,354 --> 00:43:56,159 - How is your wife? - Oh, still off her tits. 887 00:43:56,283 --> 00:43:58,846 Still no sign of Dick. It's very worrying. 888 00:43:58,870 --> 00:44:00,347 Perhaps we should call the police. 889 00:44:00,371 --> 00:44:02,332 Too late. We're here. 890 00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:07,611 Oh, shit. 891 00:44:08,887 --> 00:44:11,575 My PNO! Um, I'm sorry, Inspector, 892 00:44:11,599 --> 00:44:13,661 - you can't come in here, we're having dinner. 893 00:44:13,685 --> 00:44:16,580 Ahm warnin ye. All o' ye, everay singley wan o ye toffee nosed gits, 894 00:44:16,604 --> 00:44:19,541 - sittin around wi ye chips, lestning to yer Showpan- 895 00:44:19,565 --> 00:44:22,210 - and yer Beethoven after yer suppers with yer kippers- 896 00:44:22,234 --> 00:44:25,880 - and lungs and reekies, lissen nao to me wordies- 897 00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:29,968 - that fra me lips an mooth are droppet like the rain- 898 00:44:29,992 --> 00:44:35,056 - fallin fa thae glen that softly swells tha glistening burns- 899 00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:39,326 - and rivulets and streams of bonnie Scotland. 900 00:44:40,018 --> 00:44:42,956 Is this something about a holiday? 901 00:44:42,980 --> 00:44:45,709 Ye've no won a holiday, ye stupidgits. 902 00:44:45,733 --> 00:44:48,336 Wait a ticketyboo. May I ask who owns that piano? 903 00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:49,838 Oh, that's mine. 904 00:44:49,862 --> 00:44:52,965 Oh, es that reet? 905 00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:54,684 - It's yure pianey? - Been in the family for years. 906 00:44:54,708 --> 00:44:56,010 Matter of fact, it belongs to my wife. 907 00:44:56,034 --> 00:44:58,722 Yer wife is as mad as a hatter. Coo-koo. Bonkers. 908 00:44:58,746 --> 00:45:00,348 And she has nae got a pianey. 909 00:45:00,372 --> 00:45:04,144 This pianey was stolen from Leonard Bastard. 910 00:45:04,168 --> 00:45:06,354 No, no, Inspector, you are mistaken. 911 00:45:06,378 --> 00:45:09,608 That is Helena's piano. I gave it her. 912 00:45:09,632 --> 00:45:11,109 Leonard Bastard, what are you doing here- 913 00:45:11,133 --> 00:45:14,321 - just in time to confirm a most unlikely story? 914 00:45:14,345 --> 00:45:16,448 I came here to thank you for getting me the job with Mister Hudson- 915 00:45:16,472 --> 00:45:18,991 - and to give you the piano you love so much. 916 00:45:19,015 --> 00:45:20,034 How on earth did you get here? 917 00:45:20,058 --> 00:45:21,578 I walked. 918 00:45:21,602 --> 00:45:23,246 All the way from Houndsditch? 919 00:45:23,270 --> 00:45:24,331 Yes. 920 00:45:24,355 --> 00:45:25,874 - But that's a hundred miles. - Yes. 921 00:45:25,898 --> 00:45:27,542 Would you like a glass of water? 922 00:45:27,566 --> 00:45:29,920 Seeing you is refreshment enough for me. 923 00:45:29,944 --> 00:45:31,944 Oh, golly gosh, blush, blush, blush. 924 00:45:32,780 --> 00:45:36,050 So you see, Inspector, it is Helena's piano. 925 00:45:36,074 --> 00:45:39,429 How very touching. It reminds me of a wee ballad- 926 00:45:39,453 --> 00:45:44,467 - from my childhood called The Lonely Trout. 927 00:45:46,627 --> 00:45:53,132 ♪ From the heelan hills ♪ ♪ And rills o bonnie Scotland ♪ 928 00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:59,431 ♪ Fra the bogs and fogs ♪ ♪ And soggy lochs and braes ♪ 929 00:46:00,140 --> 00:46:06,661 ♪ From the moontin tops where ♪ ♪ Lonely jocks drink whiskey ♪ 930 00:46:06,856 --> 00:46:13,327 ♪ To the dingy pond ♪ ♪ Wherein the lone trout plays ♪ 931 00:46:13,571 --> 00:46:20,590 ♪ There was once a laddie ♪ ♪ Wandered wi his lassie ♪ 932 00:46:20,870 --> 00:46:26,431 ♪ When she told him that ♪ ♪ Her love for him was dead ♪ 933 00:46:27,659 --> 00:46:30,764 ♪ As she left this lonely boy ♪ 934 00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:34,893 ♪ Who'd now lost his only joy ♪ 935 00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:41,705 ♪ The trout raised his head ♪ ♪ And this is what he said ♪ 936 00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:44,194 ♪ Oh ♪ 937 00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:45,695 ♪ Rum ti tumti ♪ 938 00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:47,030 ♪ Tickle yer monkey ♪ 939 00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,032 ♪ Tickle di didle doo ♪ 940 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,243 ♪ Rumpy pumpy ♪ ♪ Humpty dumpty ♪ 941 00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:52,953 ♪ Tickle yer tivey too ♪ 942 00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:55,247 ♪ Hankie pankie ♪ ♪ Winkie wankie ♪ 943 00:46:55,271 --> 00:46:57,249 ♪ Diddle de didle doo ♪ 944 00:46:57,273 --> 00:46:59,459 ♪ Rinky dinky ♪ ♪ Tiddley winky ♪ 945 00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:01,044 ♪ Nicky nacky noo ♪ 946 00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:04,089 ♪ The noo, the noo, ♪ ♪ The noo, the noo ♪ 947 00:47:04,113 --> 00:47:07,008 ♪ Oh, muckert buckerty ♪ ♪ Shmackerty crackety ♪ 948 00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:08,426 ♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪ 949 00:47:08,450 --> 00:47:10,720 ♪ Tiggly wiggly ♪ ♪ Higgly piggly ♪ 950 00:47:10,744 --> 00:47:12,513 ♪ What is life about? ♪ 951 00:47:12,537 --> 00:47:14,808 ♪ Mickety pickety ♪ ♪ Wickety pickety ♪ 952 00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,726 ♪ She was just a slut ♪ 953 00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:19,229 ♪ Find yourself another lass ♪ 954 00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:20,814 ♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪ 955 00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:23,233 ♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪ ♪ Nickety nackety ♪ 956 00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:24,901 ♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪ 957 00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:27,528 ♪ Splickety wickety ♪ ♪ Pickety nickety ♪ 958 00:47:27,552 --> 00:47:29,197 ♪ What is life about? ♪ 959 00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:31,199 ♪ Shackety mackety ♪ ♪ Thwackety crackety ♪ 960 00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:33,201 ♪ She was just a slut ♪ 961 00:47:33,225 --> 00:47:35,536 ♪ Find yourself another lass ♪ 962 00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:37,705 ♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪ 963 00:47:37,729 --> 00:47:40,500 ♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪ ♪ Nickety nackety ♪ 964 00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:42,043 ♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪ 965 00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:44,171 ♪ Splickety wickety ♪ ♪ Pickety nickety ♪ 966 00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:45,964 ♪ What is life about? ♪ 967 00:47:45,988 --> 00:47:48,466 ♪ Shackety mackety ♪ ♪ Thwackety crackety ♪ 968 00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:50,093 ♪ She was just a slut ♪ 969 00:47:50,117 --> 00:47:52,262 ♪ Find yourself another lass ♪ 970 00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:53,554 ♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪ 971 00:47:55,206 --> 00:47:56,557 ♪ Oh, packety ♪ ♪ Wackety nickety nackety ♪ 972 00:47:56,581 --> 00:47:58,143 ♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪ 973 00:47:58,167 --> 00:48:00,020 ♪ Splickety wickety ♪ ♪ Pickety nickety ♪ 974 00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:01,646 ♪ What is life about? ♪ 975 00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,815 ♪ Shackety mackety ♪ ♪ Thwackety crackety ♪ 976 00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:05,692 ♪ She was just a slut ♪ 977 00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:08,945 ♪ Find yourself another lass ♪ ♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪ 978 00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,031 ♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪ ♪ Nickety nackety ♪ 979 00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:15,910 Uh, no, I think, I think that's quite enough of that, Inspector! 980 00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:19,988 I think... Come on, off! Off, come on you, off, off, off! 981 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,750 Take your boobs with you. 982 00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:24,418 And what about Dick? 983 00:48:24,442 --> 00:48:26,671 Heavens, I completely forgot about wee Dickie. 984 00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:28,548 My nephew is missing. 985 00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:29,924 No, he's not. 986 00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:33,220 Oh, you've found Dick. Oh, thank heaven. 987 00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:35,930 Oh, shut yer drivel, ye big wittering Jessie. 988 00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:39,726 Yer a disgrace tae the wee free cloth frolicin about in ponds- 989 00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,418 - wi naked laddies wi nae troosers on. 990 00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:50,778 We have indeed found Dick. 991 00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:54,490 And he told me a joke. We found him in the woods. 992 00:48:54,514 --> 00:48:55,909 In the woods... Is he dead? 993 00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:58,578 Not quite, but severely blooded. 994 00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:01,455 He was attacked by some hungry bampot- 995 00:49:01,479 --> 00:49:04,376 - who tried to eat him all up and do him like a dinner. 996 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,877 Great Scott! 997 00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:10,215 Thank you. 998 00:49:13,491 --> 00:49:15,469 But who would want to harm Dick? 999 00:49:15,493 --> 00:49:18,681 Somebody who wanted to shut 'is face. 1000 00:49:18,705 --> 00:49:22,143 But Dick knows nothing about everything. 1001 00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:25,003 Do you know, we have a wee saying in Scotland... 1002 00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:26,940 Oh! 1003 00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:31,819 "Oh weemon drocketen drenkit and up wayhay" 1004 00:49:31,843 --> 00:49:33,971 "and tek it all doon in the nuts." 1005 00:49:35,513 --> 00:49:39,411 One can only imagine what that means. 1006 00:49:39,435 --> 00:49:42,914 Sometimes the things we don't know are the unknown knowns- 1007 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,274 - that we don't know we think we know but others think we do. 1008 00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:51,839 Well, that's easy for you to say, Inspector. 1009 00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,926 But it is idle to speculate since Dick can no longer speak. 1010 00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:58,888 I have an Indian gentleman who specialises in recovering memories, 1011 00:49:58,912 --> 00:50:02,683 - by the name of Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley. 1012 00:50:02,707 --> 00:50:04,436 Perhaps wee Dickie may remember- 1013 00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,562 - something when he comes out of his coma. 1014 00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:08,273 But when will he wake up? 1015 00:50:08,297 --> 00:50:10,775 Who knows? A few weeks, 1016 00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:14,362 - a few months, a few years perchance. 1017 00:50:14,386 --> 00:50:16,572 Years? Whatever shall we do? 1018 00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:19,258 We must all go to Italy at once. 1019 00:50:22,727 --> 00:50:24,414 ♪ To Italy, to Italy ♪ 1020 00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:26,498 ♪ Oh, yes, let's go to Italy ♪ 1021 00:50:26,522 --> 00:50:30,044 ♪ Where painters paint so ♪ ♪ Prettily on ceilings there ♪ 1022 00:50:30,068 --> 00:50:32,046 ♪ Where everyone ♪ Talks wittily ♪ 1023 00:50:32,070 --> 00:50:34,048 ♪ And no one argues bitterly ♪ 1024 00:50:34,072 --> 00:50:37,469 ♪ And we'll be free to really ♪ ♪ Have some feelings there ♪ 1025 00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:39,511 ♪ Let's leave this ♪ ♪ Soggy English rain ♪ 1026 00:50:39,535 --> 00:50:41,722 ♪ And go to Italy by train ♪ 1027 00:50:41,746 --> 00:50:45,226 ♪ To visit Florence, Venice ♪ ♪ And then Rome again ♪ 1028 00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:47,061 ♪ We'll wine and dine ♪ ♪ Till we are sick ♪ 1029 00:50:47,085 --> 00:50:48,855 ♪ And we won't have to ♪ think of Dick ♪ 1030 00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:51,899 ♪ At least until we ♪ ♪ Finally come home again ♪ 1031 00:50:51,923 --> 00:50:55,403 ♪ Italia ♪ 1032 00:50:55,427 --> 00:50:58,763 ♪ La-la, la-la, ♪ ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪ 1033 00:51:00,765 --> 00:51:03,077 ♪ Italia ♪ 1034 00:51:03,101 --> 00:51:07,780 ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪ ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪ 1035 00:51:09,191 --> 00:51:11,836 ♪ Though I cannot ♪ ♪ Stand Italians ♪ 1036 00:51:11,860 --> 00:51:13,545 ♪ They wear big ♪ ♪ Gold medallions ♪ 1037 00:51:13,569 --> 00:51:15,673 ♪ And act like ♪ ♪ Bloody stallions ♪ 1038 00:51:15,697 --> 00:51:16,883 ♪ All the waiters there ♪ 1039 00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,719 ♪ Tagliatelle, vermicelli ♪ 1040 00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:21,346 ♪ It all gets on my nelly ♪ 1041 00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:22,763 ♪ And as far as I'm concerned ♪ 1042 00:51:22,787 --> 00:51:24,891 ♪ They're pastabaters there ♪ 1043 00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:27,477 ♪ Italia ♪ 1044 00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:32,304 ♪ La-la, la-la, ♪ ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪ 1045 00:51:33,173 --> 00:51:36,444 ♪ Italia ♪ 1046 00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:41,289 ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪ ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪ 1047 00:51:42,740 --> 00:51:44,302 ♪ Italian men are gorgeous ♪ 1048 00:51:44,326 --> 00:51:46,596 ♪ If you don't ♪ ♪ Include the Borgias ♪ 1049 00:51:46,620 --> 00:51:49,474 ♪ For they make me slightly ♪ ♪ Nauseous when I read of them ♪ 1050 00:51:49,598 --> 00:51:51,325 ♪ Romeos and Cinderellas ♪ 1051 00:51:51,349 --> 00:51:53,411 ♪ Say bon giorno and ciao bellas ♪ 1052 00:51:53,435 --> 00:51:56,956 ♪ And they have umbrellas ♪ ♪ Should I feel the need of them ♪ 1053 00:51:56,980 --> 00:52:00,042 ♪ Italia ♪ 1054 00:52:00,066 --> 00:52:04,519 ♪ La-la, la-la, ♪ ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪ 1055 00:52:05,656 --> 00:52:08,635 ♪ Italia ♪ 1056 00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:12,903 ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪ ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪ 1057 00:52:15,165 --> 00:52:16,559 ♪ Rome was not built in a day ♪ 1058 00:52:16,583 --> 00:52:18,352 ♪ Though actually ♪ ♪ It looks that way ♪ 1059 00:52:18,376 --> 00:52:19,687 ♪ The Roman Empire ♪ ♪ Was of course ♪ 1060 00:52:19,711 --> 00:52:22,022 ♪ The power there ♪ 1061 00:52:22,046 --> 00:52:25,817 ♪ There's a geezer came from ♪ ♪ Pisa, by the name of Julius Caesar ♪ 1062 00:52:25,841 --> 00:52:28,946 ♪ He was a little bent but ♪ ♪ Then so is the tower there ♪ 1063 00:52:28,970 --> 00:52:32,241 ♪ Italia ♪ 1064 00:52:32,265 --> 00:52:37,997 ♪ La-la, la-la, ♪ ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪ 1065 00:52:38,021 --> 00:52:40,541 ♪ Italia ♪ 1066 00:52:40,565 --> 00:52:46,673 ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪ ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪ 1067 00:52:46,697 --> 00:52:49,342 ♪ Italia ♪ 1068 00:52:49,366 --> 00:52:53,620 ♪ La-la, la-la, ♪ ♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪ 1069 00:52:55,246 --> 00:52:57,558 ♪ Italia ♪ 1070 00:52:57,582 --> 00:53:03,696 ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪ ♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪ 1071 00:53:13,765 --> 00:53:15,867 I was on the move again. 1072 00:53:15,891 --> 00:53:20,790 This time to Italy, where English people go to have emotions. 1073 00:53:20,814 --> 00:53:23,125 Consequently, Emma remained behind. 1074 00:53:23,149 --> 00:53:26,386 Meanwhile, the party arrived in Florence. 1075 00:53:29,865 --> 00:53:33,177 The traveling party arrived in Florence. 1076 00:53:33,201 --> 00:53:34,303 Sorry. 1077 00:53:34,571 --> 00:53:36,424 What joy to be in Italy, 1078 00:53:36,448 --> 00:53:40,377 - with these friendly men and their encouragingly lax morals. 1079 00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:44,656 Aunt Maggie. Why is that statue not wearing any underpants? 1080 00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:46,073 Because it's so terribly hot, dear. 1081 00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:48,326 Ah, and what is that little thing... 1082 00:53:48,350 --> 00:53:51,287 Well, it's an umbrella symbol. 1083 00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:53,122 - Oh... - Oh, here we are... 1084 00:53:53,146 --> 00:53:56,250 The Pensione Berlusconi. 1085 00:53:56,274 --> 00:53:58,836 Bon giorno, Signore. 1086 00:53:58,860 --> 00:54:03,466 Bunga bunga, Signor Pederasti Inglesi. 1087 00:54:04,949 --> 00:54:08,471 Oh, Signor Berlusconi, how nice to see you. 1088 00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:10,931 Ah, Signora Decrepit Inglesi. 1089 00:54:10,955 --> 00:54:16,437 I have reserved for you and your niece a room with a no view. 1090 00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:20,316 Thank you so much, dear Fascisti. 1091 00:54:20,340 --> 00:54:23,069 Helena is allergic to views. 1092 00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:25,821 Particularly right-wing views. 1093 00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:28,449 Well, welcome to our Pensione, 1094 00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:32,953 - where emotionally repressed English people can learn to enjoy themselves. 1095 00:54:32,977 --> 00:54:36,999 How to chew on the pizza, how to nibble on the pasta- 1096 00:54:37,023 --> 00:54:39,377 - how to swallow salami. 1097 00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,461 Yes... 1098 00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:42,922 Yes, I think that's quite enough- 1099 00:54:42,946 --> 00:54:45,550 - single entendres for now, signor. 1100 00:54:45,574 --> 00:54:50,888 Come on, Helena, lets freshen up while they unload our baggage. 1101 00:54:52,289 --> 00:54:54,141 Blimey, look at that statue, Ken. 1102 00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:55,767 That bloke's not wearing any underpants. 1103 00:54:55,791 --> 00:54:57,437 That's Michelangelo's David. 1104 00:54:57,461 --> 00:55:00,523 Michelangelo's Dick, more like. 1105 00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:02,650 Scusi, signore. 1106 00:55:02,674 --> 00:55:04,736 Your deliveries round the back. 1107 00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:07,655 Oh, charming. You bloody Italians should be ashamed of yourselves, 1108 00:55:07,679 --> 00:55:09,323 - all these naked statues. 1109 00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:11,743 Have you Eyeties never heard of underpants? 1110 00:55:11,767 --> 00:55:15,687 Brutti Inglesi bastardi vanagloriosi! 1111 00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:49,196 What's he say? 1112 00:55:49,220 --> 00:55:51,031 He says, "You condescending, English bastards." 1113 00:55:51,055 --> 00:55:54,160 "I invite you to pull your foreskin over your heads,"- 1114 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,309 - "and give yourselves an enema with a wine bottle." 1115 00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:59,791 "May you sleep in sheep shit and your sphincter"- 1116 00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:02,942 - "become a highway for Australian rugby players." 1117 00:56:06,279 --> 00:56:08,840 Blimey. I never knew you spoke Italian. 1118 00:56:08,864 --> 00:56:10,450 I learned it on the train. 1119 00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:13,387 What is it you two idiots want? 1120 00:56:13,411 --> 00:56:15,014 Eh, don't you get lippy with us, mate. 1121 00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:16,307 Who do you think you are? 1122 00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:18,559 You arrogant, English pigs. 1123 00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:22,522 You come from a miserable island where it rains every day, 1124 00:56:22,546 --> 00:56:24,898 - where the men are all pederasts- 1125 00:56:24,922 --> 00:56:27,859 - and all the women are frozen from the waist down. 1126 00:56:27,883 --> 00:56:31,531 You have no cheese, you have no wine, 1127 00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,783 - no olive oil, no garlic, you cannot play football- 1128 00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:36,100 - and your music is all poo. 1129 00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:39,831 Oh, yeah. Yeah, well that's where you're wrong, 1130 00:56:39,855 --> 00:56:42,333 - Mister ice-cream selling, bloody fascist wop, 1131 00:56:42,357 --> 00:56:45,503 - 'cause we have brought a piano for Miss Helena to play. 1132 00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,588 What? The bella signorina, with the lovely squishy... 1133 00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,256 Yeah, that's the one. 1134 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:52,635 Oh. Mia apologia. 1135 00:56:52,659 --> 00:56:55,763 I invite you to stay there for dinner- 1136 00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,723 - and anal sex. 1137 00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:10,785 Ken? 1138 00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:16,600 - Dinner would be nice. - Yeah. 1139 00:57:18,894 --> 00:57:23,580 Oh, I am so very happy, at last I have my own PNO. 1140 00:57:27,736 --> 00:57:33,133 ♪ One day some lovely fella's ♪ ♪ Going to show me his umbrella ♪ 1141 00:57:33,157 --> 00:57:38,389 ♪ But until that day ♪ ♪ I'll play upon my P N O ♪ 1142 00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:41,100 ♪ If he's jealous of the fellas ♪ 1143 00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:43,519 ♪ Who have shown ♪ ♪ Me their umbrellas ♪ 1144 00:57:43,543 --> 00:57:48,566 ♪ He'll be happy when I let him touch my P N O ♪ 1145 00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:50,818 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1146 00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:52,945 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1147 00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:55,072 ♪ It's such a lovely instrument ♪ 1148 00:57:55,096 --> 00:57:57,450 ♪ I really love it so ♪ 1149 00:57:57,474 --> 00:57:59,786 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1150 00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:02,079 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1151 00:58:02,103 --> 00:58:06,733 ♪ Who wouldn't like ♪ ♪ To play upon my P N O ♪ 1152 00:58:08,109 --> 00:58:13,246 ♪ From Florence down to Napoli ♪ ♪ The men behave unhappily ♪ 1153 00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:18,095 ♪ If they can't get a glimpse ♪ ♪ Of my sweet P N O ♪ 1154 00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:20,807 ♪ The Frenchmen and the Dutchmen ♪ 1155 00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,100 ♪ Always shout and yell ♪ ♪ How much then? ♪ 1156 00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:28,147 ♪ But I won't let them touch ♪ ♪ When I've my P N O ♪ 1157 00:58:28,171 --> 00:58:30,858 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1158 00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:33,277 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1159 00:58:33,301 --> 00:58:37,239 ♪ Tickling the ivories ♪ ♪ I really love it so ♪ 1160 00:58:37,263 --> 00:58:39,992 ♪ My P N O ♪ 1161 00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:42,244 ♪ I so adore ♪ 1162 00:58:42,268 --> 00:58:47,315 ♪ I'll play with it all night ♪ ♪ And day until I get too sore ♪ 1163 00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:49,460 Thank you. 1164 00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:57,677 ♪ Her P N O ♪ 1165 00:58:57,701 --> 00:59:00,053 ♪ Her P N O ♪ 1166 00:59:00,077 --> 00:59:05,100 ♪ Who wouldn't like a go ♪ ♪ Upon her P N O ♪ 1167 00:59:05,124 --> 00:59:08,980 ♪ The British upper classes ♪ ♪ Can all shove it up their arses ♪ 1168 00:59:09,004 --> 00:59:13,808 ♪ For the poor and struggling ♪ ♪ Masses have no P N O ♪ 1169 00:59:16,386 --> 00:59:18,823 What a lucky, lucky old piano. 1170 00:59:18,847 --> 00:59:21,325 Leonard Bastard! What on earth are you doing in Italy? 1171 00:59:21,349 --> 00:59:23,309 - I walked. - But that's... 1172 00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:25,997 That's almost 900 miles. 1173 00:59:26,021 --> 00:59:27,874 Nine hundred and three actually. 1174 00:59:27,898 --> 00:59:29,041 Is your wife here? 1175 00:59:29,065 --> 00:59:30,543 No, she couldn't get away. 1176 00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:32,085 You tied her up? 1177 00:59:32,109 --> 00:59:34,380 No, she's helping McGuffin with his Dick problem. 1178 00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:35,882 How? 1179 00:59:35,906 --> 00:59:38,050 Well, she's a professional Ass Reader, 1180 00:59:38,074 --> 00:59:40,469 - and she has some information that may be helpful to the police. 1181 00:59:40,493 --> 00:59:42,763 Oh, gosh. Really? 1182 00:59:42,787 --> 00:59:45,182 I have judged her too harshly as a worthless slut- 1183 00:59:45,206 --> 00:59:46,642 - who trapped you into an unhappy marriage. 1184 00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:48,477 No, no. She is a worthless slut- 1185 00:59:48,501 --> 00:59:49,896 - who trapped me into an unhappy marriage, 1186 00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:52,589 - but she is a very fine Ass Reader. 1187 00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:56,819 Leonard, I have been less than generous with you. 1188 00:59:56,843 --> 00:59:58,029 I want you to play with me. 1189 00:59:58,053 --> 00:59:59,830 - What? - On the piano. 1190 00:59:59,854 --> 01:00:01,423 - When? - Right now! 1191 01:00:01,447 --> 01:00:02,716 Let's go. 1192 01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,082 Oh, good grief. 1193 01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,125 Close your eyes, Mr Whoopsie, you are a clergyman. 1194 01:00:12,149 --> 01:00:13,502 What is going on? 1195 01:00:13,526 --> 01:00:15,462 Helena is playing a piano in public, 1196 01:00:15,486 --> 01:00:17,715 - with a married man of the working classes! 1197 01:00:17,739 --> 01:00:19,926 How shameful! 1198 01:00:19,950 --> 01:00:22,535 Unprotected Beethoven. 1199 01:00:24,203 --> 01:00:25,806 Whatever are we to do? 1200 01:00:25,830 --> 01:00:28,768 Russell brothers. Pick up the piano. 1201 01:00:28,792 --> 01:00:31,771 We must all go home at once. 1202 01:00:32,671 --> 01:00:34,523 Who is it? 1203 01:00:34,547 --> 01:00:37,341 Open the... Open the door, open the door, Emma. 1204 01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:40,404 I must see you at once. 1205 01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:41,530 Hang on a minute. 1206 01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:07,098 Why, Mr Hudson. 1207 01:01:07,122 --> 01:01:08,724 Thank God, you're here. 1208 01:01:08,748 --> 01:01:10,643 Mister Hudson, you are in a state of some emotion. 1209 01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:12,227 I'm sorry, these are new trousers. 1210 01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:14,605 Just breaking them in for a friend. 1211 01:01:14,629 --> 01:01:16,649 What are you doing alone in a house with a young woman- 1212 01:01:16,673 --> 01:01:19,110 - whose aunt and sister have not yet returned from Italy- 1213 01:01:19,134 --> 01:01:20,987 - with no one around to notice- 1214 01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:22,696 - if we were to accidentally slip upstairs with a hairbrush? 1215 01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:24,740 No, I have something terribly serious to tell you. 1216 01:01:24,764 --> 01:01:27,034 My wife is dead. 1217 01:01:27,058 --> 01:01:28,452 - For real? - Yeah. 1218 01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:29,703 How did she die? 1219 01:01:29,727 --> 01:01:32,629 An unfortunate brush with rat poison. 1220 01:01:33,857 --> 01:01:36,051 She apparently mistook it for sugar. 1221 01:01:36,075 --> 01:01:37,670 - It's easily done. - I blame myself. 1222 01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,880 Oh, it could happen to anyone's unwanted wife. 1223 01:01:39,904 --> 01:01:42,675 I wasn't there, you see. I was in Manchester, it was a rubber thing. 1224 01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,135 A perfectly reasonable alibi. 1225 01:01:44,159 --> 01:01:46,261 Yes, the police suspect foul play. 1226 01:01:46,285 --> 01:01:48,097 They think the same man what done it for Dick- 1227 01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,141 - is gone and... What done it for her. 1228 01:01:50,165 --> 01:01:52,876 I'm sorry, I seem to have lost control of my tongue. 1229 01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:56,480 - Am I making you nervous? -Standing in the doorway in a nightie- 1230 01:01:56,504 --> 01:01:59,716 - with the light behind you... Nervous isn't quite the word. 1231 01:02:01,425 --> 01:02:02,987 - I know what you'd like. - Really? 1232 01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,921 A nice cup of tea. 1233 01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:12,528 Uh, close. 1234 01:02:14,772 --> 01:02:17,084 Oh, I love the way he stares at me when we're making tea. 1235 01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:18,418 I know exactly what he's thinking. 1236 01:02:18,442 --> 01:02:20,253 I know exactly what I'm thinking. 1237 01:02:20,277 --> 01:02:21,547 He can read me like a book. I can read her like a book. 1238 01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:23,007 The Big Boys Book Of Fairies. 1239 01:02:23,031 --> 01:02:26,517 - 107 Nasty Positions To Do It. - He seems to know exactly what I'd like. 1240 01:02:26,550 --> 01:02:27,970 I know exactly what she'd like. 1241 01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:30,821 - I'd like to play tiddley winks. - She wants to be shagged senseless. 1242 01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:32,474 Then supper at The Ritz and afterwards dancing... 1243 01:02:32,498 --> 01:02:34,727 And then up to the bathroom for a good scrubbing. 1244 01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,311 - What? - With a stiff loofah, 1245 01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:38,313 - rubbing and scrubbing in a soapy tub of water- 1246 01:02:38,337 --> 01:02:40,816 - till she blushes naked all over with that pale delicate skin. 1247 01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:41,760 Good heavens. 1248 01:02:41,784 --> 01:02:44,619 - I want to kiss your warm soapy buttocks, - Oh. - probing deeper and deeper... 1249 01:02:44,620 --> 01:02:45,847 - Oh. - Stroking and spanking- 1250 01:02:45,871 --> 01:02:47,599 - and kneading and plunging and thrusting... - Ah. 1251 01:02:47,623 --> 01:02:51,559 Turning you over and then plunging - and thrusting you like a- 1252 01:02:51,627 --> 01:02:54,272 - giant glob of internal combustion engine- 1253 01:02:54,296 --> 01:02:59,438 - buzzing helplessly like a bee in a bottle and screaming like a monkey on speed. 1254 01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:03,255 - Emma, dear, we're back from Italy. - Ah... 1255 01:03:03,279 --> 01:03:05,657 - Emma, Emma, good grief. - What's happening? 1256 01:03:05,681 --> 01:03:07,476 - Ahhh... - Is she all right? 1257 01:03:07,500 --> 01:03:09,136 Ooh, I'd say so. 1258 01:03:09,260 --> 01:03:10,162 Ah... 1259 01:03:10,186 --> 01:03:11,989 What is happening to her? 1260 01:03:12,013 --> 01:03:14,431 Emma is having an emotion. 1261 01:03:18,235 --> 01:03:20,547 Italy had worked its gay magic, 1262 01:03:20,571 --> 01:03:23,717 - and the English were now all caring and sensitive. 1263 01:03:23,741 --> 01:03:25,894 Dick was on everyone's lips. 1264 01:03:29,122 --> 01:03:30,933 We shall skip World War One, 1265 01:03:30,957 --> 01:03:33,060 - which was mainly about a horse, 1266 01:03:33,084 --> 01:03:35,170 - and move on to August... 1267 01:03:38,006 --> 01:03:42,194 - 1929, when Aunt Maggie went to visit Dick. 1268 01:03:42,218 --> 01:03:45,405 But when she arrived at The Royal Hospital for the Extremely Mad, 1269 01:03:45,429 --> 01:03:48,117 - she was in for a surprise. 1270 01:03:48,141 --> 01:03:50,786 You have a visitor, Dick. Is there any change in his condition? 1271 01:03:50,810 --> 01:03:52,997 Alas, Madam, there is none. 1272 01:03:53,021 --> 01:03:56,416 Allow me to present Deepak Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley, 1273 01:03:56,440 --> 01:03:58,460 - Visiting Professor of Psychobabble- 1274 01:03:58,484 --> 01:04:00,546 - at the University of Virginia Woolf. 1275 01:04:00,570 --> 01:04:03,549 Oh, I have read about him in the, uh, Rubber Ware News. 1276 01:04:03,573 --> 01:04:06,927 It seems you are the inventor of the American Happy Boy. 1277 01:04:06,951 --> 01:04:08,721 That is I myself, good Lady. 1278 01:04:08,745 --> 01:04:11,390 Ooh, it has relieved many of my emotions. 1279 01:04:11,414 --> 01:04:14,193 Well, I'm proud to have had a hand in that. 1280 01:04:14,417 --> 01:04:18,105 We are going to seek the assistance of a professional arse reader. 1281 01:04:18,129 --> 01:04:20,399 But first, we have a wee surprise. 1282 01:04:20,423 --> 01:04:22,526 Mr Russell, bring in the piano. 1283 01:04:22,550 --> 01:04:24,236 In 'ere, Guv? 1284 01:04:24,260 --> 01:04:26,780 Good heavens, it is the piano from Shagistan. 1285 01:04:26,804 --> 01:04:30,808 This piano has been close to the scene of all these violent attacks. 1286 01:04:31,601 --> 01:04:33,037 You suspect the piano? 1287 01:04:33,061 --> 01:04:34,914 Of course, I don't fucking suspect the pianey, 1288 01:04:34,938 --> 01:04:37,791 - ye weird Indian psychobabbly chapatimuncher. 1289 01:04:37,815 --> 01:04:39,877 I thought it might help to jog his memory. 1290 01:04:39,901 --> 01:04:42,213 If only this piano could talk, Inspector. 1291 01:04:42,237 --> 01:04:44,882 Pianeys don't fucking talk, yer silly touchy- 1292 01:04:44,906 --> 01:04:48,385 - willy wackedout son of a bloody-minded ejit. 1293 01:04:48,409 --> 01:04:52,472 That's pure gobbledy shittey crappy slappy touchy feely bollocks. 1294 01:04:52,496 --> 01:04:55,142 But since Dick found it at the beach, 1295 01:04:55,166 --> 01:04:57,352 - I thought it might help him to remember a happier time. 1296 01:04:57,376 --> 01:04:59,271 This where you wanted the piano, guv? 1297 01:04:59,295 --> 01:05:01,065 Just drop it right here. 1298 01:05:01,089 --> 01:05:04,235 Thank you. The piano is at the heart of the mystery. 1299 01:05:04,259 --> 01:05:06,862 - Will that be all, sir? - Good heavens, is that you, Sergeant? 1300 01:05:06,886 --> 01:05:08,321 Do I know you, sir? 1301 01:05:08,345 --> 01:05:11,117 Sergeant Ken Russell of the 13th Foot and Mouth. 1302 01:05:11,141 --> 01:05:14,703 You do not remember me? I am Deepak from Shagistan? 1303 01:05:14,727 --> 01:05:18,290 Alas, sir, he can remember nothing since the massacre. 1304 01:05:18,314 --> 01:05:21,293 Lord Darling told him something important but he's forgotten it. 1305 01:05:21,317 --> 01:05:23,963 Do not worry, Inspector, I'll put him in a trance. 1306 01:05:23,987 --> 01:05:26,257 Now, Ken, listen to me, you are going to relax, 1307 01:05:26,281 --> 01:05:28,842 - you are going into a deep sleep. 1308 01:05:28,866 --> 01:05:30,385 Not you, Inspector. 1309 01:05:30,409 --> 01:05:31,762 Oh, sorry. Sorry. 1310 01:05:31,786 --> 01:05:33,889 Just relax Ken, Kenneth... 1311 01:05:33,913 --> 01:05:39,585 Now, five, four, three, two, one, you're gone. 1312 01:05:40,170 --> 01:05:41,438 Where am I? 1313 01:05:41,462 --> 01:05:43,715 You're in Shagistan, Sergeant. 1314 01:05:44,090 --> 01:05:45,276 Oh, yeah. Bloody hot, innit? 1315 01:05:45,300 --> 01:05:46,944 It's very hot, Ken. 1316 01:05:46,968 --> 01:05:48,112 And all these bloody flies. 1317 01:05:48,136 --> 01:05:49,863 All these bloody flies. 1318 01:05:49,887 --> 01:05:51,740 Now, you are with Lord Darling and he's talking to you. 1319 01:05:51,764 --> 01:05:53,533 What is Lord Darling saying? 1320 01:05:53,557 --> 01:05:57,037 He is telling me a very disturbing tale, sir. He's saying... 1321 01:05:57,061 --> 01:06:01,274 "There are some things I am not proud of in my life, Sergeant." 1322 01:06:04,194 --> 01:06:08,215 "There was a young governess I met at a Coming Out Ball." 1323 01:06:08,239 --> 01:06:12,011 "Her name was Margaret", 1324 01:06:12,035 --> 01:06:15,764 "- she was beautiful and I couldn't help myself." 1325 01:06:15,788 --> 01:06:20,978 "I plied her with gin, and I took advantage of her." 1326 01:06:21,002 --> 01:06:24,731 "Too late I learned that nine months later..." 1327 01:06:24,755 --> 01:06:27,943 "She had a child", 1328 01:06:27,967 --> 01:06:31,071 "- but by then, my regiment had shipped out." 1329 01:06:31,095 --> 01:06:34,533 "I still don't know the name of that child." 1330 01:06:34,557 --> 01:06:36,694 The child's name was Dick. 1331 01:06:36,718 --> 01:06:38,495 How could you know that? 1332 01:06:38,519 --> 01:06:42,499 Because I was that governess. Margaret was me. 1333 01:06:42,523 --> 01:06:44,417 This is my Dick. 1334 01:06:44,441 --> 01:06:45,961 He's your son? 1335 01:06:45,985 --> 01:06:48,172 Yes, Inspector. 1336 01:06:48,196 --> 01:06:50,216 Oh, Mummy. I'm coming out of my coma. 1337 01:06:50,240 --> 01:06:52,676 There, there, Dick. Mummy's here. 1338 01:06:52,700 --> 01:06:56,680 Mummy, can I have a little suck on your breasts, please? 1339 01:06:56,704 --> 01:06:59,599 Well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt. 1340 01:06:59,623 --> 01:07:02,144 See if I can still lactate. Ooh, yes, I can. 1341 01:07:02,168 --> 01:07:05,147 Ooh, yes, it's happening. Ooh, Russell... 1342 01:07:05,171 --> 01:07:09,193 Sergeant, control... Control your images. 1343 01:07:09,217 --> 01:07:12,946 Sergeant, for fuck's sake, control the images in your head. 1344 01:07:12,970 --> 01:07:14,698 Very difficult, sir, very difficult, sir. 1345 01:07:14,722 --> 01:07:17,168 What else is Lord Darling saying to you, Sergeant? 1346 01:07:17,192 --> 01:07:19,786 It's all coming back now, sir. 1347 01:07:23,598 --> 01:07:25,993 It's a little bit misty, but it's coming back. He says... 1348 01:07:26,017 --> 01:07:31,164 "Take this piano to my son Dick, at Darling Hall." 1349 01:07:31,388 --> 01:07:34,701 Very well. And so you have done. 1350 01:07:34,725 --> 01:07:36,287 Your task is complete, Sergeant. 1351 01:07:36,311 --> 01:07:38,831 Dick has the piano and he has a mummy. 1352 01:07:38,855 --> 01:07:41,333 But we still don't know who attacked him, and why. 1353 01:07:41,357 --> 01:07:45,045 That's true, Inspector. It's time for the Ass Reader, I think. 1354 01:07:46,112 --> 01:07:47,589 Who is it? 1355 01:07:47,613 --> 01:07:50,342 Oh, it's you. Come on in, yeah. 1356 01:07:50,366 --> 01:07:52,219 Come to have your botty read again have you? 1357 01:07:52,243 --> 01:07:53,846 You're a right naughty boy, ain't ya? 1358 01:07:53,870 --> 01:07:56,056 I saw it in your bum the other day. 1359 01:07:56,080 --> 01:07:59,977 I said to myself, I said, there's violence in that bottom, Enid, my love? 1360 01:08:00,001 --> 01:08:04,106 Those cheeks have seen more than their fair share of sorrow. 1361 01:08:04,130 --> 01:08:06,525 A deep dark secret is hidden in that derriere. 1362 01:08:06,549 --> 01:08:09,111 But I 'aven't told no one, guv, so help me- 1363 01:08:09,135 --> 01:08:11,530 - and I wouldn't tell Inspector McGuffin nuffin. 1364 01:08:11,554 --> 01:08:15,284 As long as you brought me that little bit of money you promised me. 1365 01:08:15,308 --> 01:08:19,746 'Ere, 'ere, what's that? No, no, please don't. 1366 01:08:19,770 --> 01:08:25,076 Stop! Aahhh! 1367 01:08:26,944 --> 01:08:30,007 'Oundsditch Mutilator strikes again! 1368 01:08:30,031 --> 01:08:32,742 Ass Reader Assassinated! 1369 01:08:34,493 --> 01:08:35,929 Damn it, Deepak, we're too late. 1370 01:08:35,953 --> 01:08:38,015 Police working on the theory- 1371 01:08:38,039 --> 01:08:39,766 - that they have no idea what's going on! 1372 01:08:39,790 --> 01:08:41,685 Watch it you. 1373 01:08:41,709 --> 01:08:42,895 This is most unfortunate. 1374 01:08:42,919 --> 01:08:44,230 I had high hopes that she might see- 1375 01:08:44,254 --> 01:08:46,023 - something useful in Dick's behind. 1376 01:08:46,047 --> 01:08:48,632 Who assassinates an arse reader and why? 1377 01:08:50,218 --> 01:08:53,171 Uh... Maybe the King of Sweden for shits and giggles. 1378 01:08:55,014 --> 01:08:56,491 What! 1379 01:09:02,272 --> 01:09:06,001 No, she knew something. She knew the identity of the Mutilator. 1380 01:09:06,025 --> 01:09:07,378 Well, how could that be so? 1381 01:09:07,402 --> 01:09:09,088 She opened the door in her pyjamas. 1382 01:09:09,112 --> 01:09:11,090 She had a door in her pyjamas? 1383 01:09:11,114 --> 01:09:14,385 This had to be... 1384 01:09:14,409 --> 01:09:17,096 This had to be somebody she knows well. 1385 01:09:17,120 --> 01:09:18,931 And her husband has disappeared. 1386 01:09:18,955 --> 01:09:22,292 We must find Leonard Bastard immediately. 1387 01:09:23,901 --> 01:09:25,212 Who is it? 1388 01:09:25,236 --> 01:09:27,506 Open the door, Emma. I must see you at once. 1389 01:09:27,530 --> 01:09:28,990 Hang on a minute. 1390 01:09:40,210 --> 01:09:42,920 Emma, is there a window I could just... 1391 01:09:44,047 --> 01:09:46,942 Why, Mr Hudson. I'm here all alone. 1392 01:09:46,966 --> 01:09:48,735 I have something, I have something to tell you. 1393 01:09:48,759 --> 01:09:49,945 I have a hairbrush upstairs... 1394 01:09:49,969 --> 01:09:51,613 Something terrible has happened. 1395 01:09:51,637 --> 01:09:52,823 Leonard Bastard's wife has been murdered? 1396 01:09:52,847 --> 01:09:54,241 No, worse than that. 1397 01:09:54,265 --> 01:09:55,202 What could possibly be worse than that? 1398 01:09:55,226 --> 01:09:58,036 - I am bankrupt. - Oh, dear. 1399 01:09:58,086 --> 01:10:00,097 This afternoon the Hudson Rubber Company just collapsed. 1400 01:10:00,121 --> 01:10:01,307 Into the Thames? 1401 01:10:01,331 --> 01:10:02,883 Financially, you see. 1402 01:10:02,907 --> 01:10:05,094 Someone in the accounts department was speculating huge sums- 1403 01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:08,180 - against the future price of rubber, and now I am utterly ruined. 1404 01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,849 Oh, crikey. 1405 01:10:09,873 --> 01:10:10,933 The name of the young man who made these speculations- 1406 01:10:10,957 --> 01:10:12,351 - was Leonard Bastard. 1407 01:10:12,375 --> 01:10:13,811 The very man you begged me to employ. 1408 01:10:13,835 --> 01:10:15,712 Oh. Oops. 1409 01:10:17,588 --> 01:10:20,708 Well, "oops" doesn't quite hack it actually, Emma. 1410 01:10:21,258 --> 01:10:24,237 So, because of this, I have decided to- 1411 01:10:24,261 --> 01:10:26,949 - accept the job of a butler in the West Country. 1412 01:10:26,973 --> 01:10:29,910 Ohh. Well, have a good one. 1413 01:10:31,895 --> 01:10:34,498 Yes, ta very much. 1414 01:10:34,522 --> 01:10:37,751 No. Wait. I am an Englishwoman of a certain age. 1415 01:10:37,775 --> 01:10:40,087 You are the only man who ever gave me an emotion. 1416 01:10:40,111 --> 01:10:42,048 I am going to do something utterly improper. 1417 01:10:42,072 --> 01:10:43,674 Oh, yes? 1418 01:10:43,698 --> 01:10:46,283 I am going to pack some hankies and come with you. 1419 01:10:48,828 --> 01:10:54,643 Ah, Darling Hall, doesn't it look great in the rain, Butler? 1420 01:10:54,667 --> 01:10:56,103 Ah, yes, my Lord. 1421 01:10:56,127 --> 01:10:57,646 Butler, what time is it? 1422 01:10:57,670 --> 01:10:59,773 1935, my Lord. 1423 01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:02,860 Who is that woman in the tight black dress? 1424 01:11:02,884 --> 01:11:04,862 That is the housekeeper, Miss Schlegel, sir. 1425 01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:06,697 Fine figure of a woman. 1426 01:11:06,721 --> 01:11:08,699 Yes, sir, she does her job very well. 1427 01:11:08,723 --> 01:11:12,795 This weekend, I'm having a Nazi party. 1428 01:11:13,019 --> 01:11:17,875 The usual thing, you know, uniforms, speeches, searchlights, discipline, 1429 01:11:17,899 --> 01:11:22,295 - boots, bondage, Wagner and tight leather trousers. 1430 01:11:22,319 --> 01:11:23,881 Very good, my Lord. 1431 01:11:23,905 --> 01:11:28,052 This will be the first Nazi party ever held in England, 1432 01:11:28,076 --> 01:11:30,679 - and here's the order of events. 1433 01:11:30,703 --> 01:11:35,350 There'll be Heil and Hello getting-to-know-you cocktails, 1434 01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:39,271 - with a few introductory remarks about the Third Reich, 1435 01:11:39,295 --> 01:11:41,822 - what happened to the other two Reichs, 1436 01:11:43,758 --> 01:11:47,586 - and why this one will last ever so much longer. 1437 01:11:48,345 --> 01:11:49,907 Very good, my Lord. 1438 01:11:50,031 --> 01:11:52,192 Mr Hudson, might I have a word with you? 1439 01:11:52,216 --> 01:11:53,302 Yes, of course, Miss Emma. 1440 01:11:53,326 --> 01:11:56,512 - There is to be a Nazi party here? - Just a very small one. 1441 01:11:56,546 --> 01:11:57,806 And why have you been avoiding me? 1442 01:11:57,830 --> 01:11:59,975 Because I am a butler and you are a housekeeper, 1443 01:11:59,999 --> 01:12:02,019 - and in this country, any contact- 1444 01:12:02,043 --> 01:12:04,188 - is not only immoral but it is also illegal, 1445 01:12:04,212 --> 01:12:06,973 - contrary to the Naughty Behaviours Act with Servants 1932. 1446 01:12:06,997 --> 01:12:08,041 - But surely... - No... 1447 01:12:08,065 --> 01:12:09,401 - Not even if... - No... 1448 01:12:09,425 --> 01:12:10,610 - But suppose we were to... - No... 1449 01:12:10,634 --> 01:12:12,104 - On our own time... - Impossible. 1450 01:12:12,128 --> 01:12:13,188 - At weekends? - No. 1451 01:12:13,212 --> 01:12:14,781 In the garage? Out of the question. This is England. 1452 01:12:14,805 --> 01:12:16,950 We must have no more emotions. 1453 01:12:16,974 --> 01:12:19,276 But I have brought this hairbrush... 1454 01:12:22,162 --> 01:12:23,831 Shit. 1455 01:12:24,957 --> 01:12:26,768 Come here, woman. 1456 01:12:26,992 --> 01:12:31,949 Get on my springy thing... go on. 1457 01:12:31,973 --> 01:12:34,118 What on earth is going on, Emma? 1458 01:12:34,342 --> 01:12:37,070 Aunt Maggie, Whoopsie, Helena, and Dick! 1459 01:12:37,094 --> 01:12:39,072 What on earth are they doing, Mummy? I'm scared. 1460 01:12:39,296 --> 01:12:41,358 Miss Emma was merely helping me- 1461 01:12:41,382 --> 01:12:43,392 - clean the floor with her posterior... 1462 01:12:43,967 --> 01:12:45,888 No, Henry, no more lies. 1463 01:12:45,912 --> 01:12:49,382 I am a fully grown woman and I am entitled to an emotion now and again. 1464 01:12:49,406 --> 01:12:50,901 Good heavens, this isn't America. 1465 01:12:50,925 --> 01:12:53,028 What on earth is going on, Butler? 1466 01:12:53,052 --> 01:12:55,030 Who are all these people? 1467 01:12:55,054 --> 01:12:58,533 Lord Darling, this is your long-lost brother, Dick. 1468 01:12:58,557 --> 01:13:02,012 Hello, bro. Want to see my mouth organ? 1469 01:13:04,021 --> 01:13:06,541 Good heavens. It's the Nazis. 1470 01:13:07,775 --> 01:13:09,669 Hello, Darling! 1471 01:13:09,693 --> 01:13:14,216 Countess Von Kunst, welcome to Darling Hall. 1472 01:13:14,240 --> 01:13:16,509 It is important that you English understand- 1473 01:13:16,533 --> 01:13:18,971 - that we Nazis are a Party. 1474 01:13:18,995 --> 01:13:21,865 It's a fun thing. Meine uber Butler... 1475 01:13:21,889 --> 01:13:23,542 Yes, Countess. 1476 01:13:23,566 --> 01:13:26,753 - Do you have a piano? - No, Countess. No piano at Darling Hall. 1477 01:13:26,777 --> 01:13:29,005 Then what is das? 1478 01:13:29,029 --> 01:13:33,218 Good heavens. That... is a piano. 1479 01:13:33,242 --> 01:13:36,221 Good grief, it is "The Piano". 1480 01:13:36,245 --> 01:13:39,932 It is Lord Darling's, a gift from his dead daddy. 1481 01:13:39,956 --> 01:13:41,751 Deepak, is that you? 1482 01:13:43,335 --> 01:13:46,105 Hello, Mr Hudson sahib. Long time, no see. 1483 01:13:46,129 --> 01:13:50,026 What on earth are you doing here? 1484 01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:52,342 Well, I am just, I am just talking to you at the moment. 1485 01:13:53,178 --> 01:13:55,657 Yes, I can see that, but why? 1486 01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:57,743 Because they think it's funny, sir. 1487 01:13:59,810 --> 01:14:02,330 It is a bit confusing. 1488 01:14:02,354 --> 01:14:03,773 Yes, it is... 1489 01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:10,863 Well, I would like to play a little song about the Führer. 1490 01:14:11,405 --> 01:14:13,132 But first... 1491 01:14:13,156 --> 01:14:16,852 ...I shall warm up with the diva scale. 1492 01:14:18,328 --> 01:14:25,859 ♪ Do, re, me, me, me, me, me, me! ♪ 1493 01:14:29,005 --> 01:14:35,545 ♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me... ♪ 1494 01:14:36,263 --> 01:14:38,909 Oh! Was its das? What is wrong with this piano? 1495 01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:41,035 It is like England, it does not work. 1496 01:14:41,059 --> 01:14:43,271 There is something trapped inside it. 1497 01:14:49,693 --> 01:14:52,839 But what is a vibrator doing inside a piano? 1498 01:14:52,863 --> 01:14:55,190 That's rather a long story. 1499 01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:03,516 Who are you? 1500 01:15:03,540 --> 01:15:05,017 A rather long story teller. 1501 01:15:05,041 --> 01:15:06,543 Ooh... 1502 01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,064 This is Inspector McGuffin. 1503 01:15:10,088 --> 01:15:12,901 Not in fact so, madam. I am a Private Dick. 1504 01:15:12,925 --> 01:15:14,527 My real name is Holmes. 1505 01:15:14,551 --> 01:15:17,029 Good heavens. Sherlock Holmes! 1506 01:15:17,053 --> 01:15:19,324 No, Shylock Holmes. His Jewish cousin. 1507 01:15:21,350 --> 01:15:25,079 Why is zere a dildo schtuck in zis piano? 1508 01:15:25,103 --> 01:15:27,457 It was hidden there, madam, by someone in this room. 1509 01:15:27,481 --> 01:15:29,250 What does it matter? 1510 01:15:29,274 --> 01:15:32,128 It matters because it reveals the identity of a murderer. 1511 01:15:32,152 --> 01:15:34,631 Butler, I arrest you for the murder of Henry Hudson. 1512 01:15:34,655 --> 01:15:37,801 But this is Henry Hudson, Inspector. 1513 01:15:37,825 --> 01:15:39,469 No, sir. This man is called Hopkins, 1514 01:15:39,493 --> 01:15:41,012 - who killed the original Hudson, 1515 01:15:41,036 --> 01:15:43,014 - who gained control of the rubber market. 1516 01:15:43,038 --> 01:15:45,517 He attacked little Dickie in the woods and poisoned his wife- 1517 01:15:45,541 --> 01:15:47,393 - who saw him attacking Dick from her window, 1518 01:15:47,417 --> 01:15:49,521 - and he bludgeoned poor Enid to death- 1519 01:15:49,545 --> 01:15:51,982 - when she threatened to reveal what she read in his backside, 1520 01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:54,374 - that he is the Houndsditch Mutilator. 1521 01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:58,697 Butler, I arrest you for the murder of Henry Hudson. 1522 01:15:58,721 --> 01:16:00,156 Oh, Henry, they will hang you. 1523 01:16:00,180 --> 01:16:02,308 I'm already hung, Emma. 1524 01:16:04,601 --> 01:16:07,246 I know that. I am bearing your child. 1525 01:16:07,270 --> 01:16:08,665 Then leave this soggy island. 1526 01:16:08,689 --> 01:16:11,083 England is finished. The future is Holland. 1527 01:16:11,107 --> 01:16:14,045 - America? - Yeah, America, yeah. 1528 01:16:14,069 --> 01:16:16,047 Where they are more respectful of personal violence, 1529 01:16:16,071 --> 01:16:17,799 - where they won't stop children having automatic weapons- 1530 01:16:17,823 --> 01:16:19,708 - just because they're insane. 1531 01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:24,014 So, the butler was arrested- 1532 01:16:24,038 --> 01:16:27,216 - and sentenced to be hanged by the neck until he wasn't at all well. 1533 01:16:28,042 --> 01:16:30,436 Leonard Bastard married Helena, 1534 01:16:30,460 --> 01:16:32,772 - and together they opened an umbrella shop. 1535 01:16:32,796 --> 01:16:36,909 The Reverend Whoopsie became the Archbishop of Canterbury. 1536 01:16:36,933 --> 01:16:41,121 Aunt Maggie moved to Holland where she demonstrates personal vibrators. 1537 01:16:42,105 --> 01:16:44,292 And as for me, the Piano... 1538 01:16:44,316 --> 01:16:47,504 ...I was bought by Elton John. 1539 01:16:47,528 --> 01:16:51,883 And I'm currently starring in Las Vegas... 1540 01:16:51,907 --> 01:16:55,844 ...where I made this, one of Elton John's finest hits. 1541 01:16:59,331 --> 01:17:01,393 ♪ O Rum ti tumti ♪ 1542 01:17:01,417 --> 01:17:03,895 ♪ Tickle yer monkey ♪ ♪ Tickle di didle doo ♪ 1543 01:17:03,919 --> 01:17:06,105 ♪ Rumpy pumpy ♪ ♪ Humpty dumpty ♪ 1544 01:17:06,129 --> 01:17:08,107 ♪ Tickle yer tivey too ♪ 1545 01:17:08,131 --> 01:17:09,984 ♪ Oh, Hankie pankie ♪ ♪ Winkie wankie ♪ 1546 01:17:10,008 --> 01:17:11,737 ♪ Diddle de didle doo ♪ 1547 01:17:11,761 --> 01:17:13,905 ♪ Rinky dinky ♪ ♪ Tiddley winky ♪ 1548 01:17:13,929 --> 01:17:15,490 ♪ Nicky nacky noo ♪ 1549 01:17:15,514 --> 01:17:17,576 ♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪ ♪ Nickety nackety ♪ 1550 01:17:17,600 --> 01:17:19,536 ♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪ 1551 01:17:19,560 --> 01:17:22,121 ♪ Splickety wickety ♪ ♪ Pickety nickety ♪ 1552 01:17:22,145 --> 01:17:23,915 ♪ What is life about? ♪ 1553 01:17:23,939 --> 01:17:25,667 ♪ Shackety mackety ♪ ♪ Thwackety crackety ♪ 1554 01:17:25,691 --> 01:17:27,502 ♪ She was just a slut ♪ 1555 01:17:27,526 --> 01:17:29,295 ♪ Find yourself another lass ♪ 1556 01:17:29,319 --> 01:17:30,922 ♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪ 1557 01:17:30,946 --> 01:17:33,633 ♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪ ♪ Nickety nackety ♪ 1558 01:17:33,657 --> 01:17:35,510 ♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪ 1559 01:17:35,534 --> 01:17:37,345 ♪ Splickety wickety ♪ ♪ Pickety nickety ♪ 1560 01:17:37,369 --> 01:17:39,180 ♪ What is life about? ♪ 1561 01:17:39,204 --> 01:17:41,015 ♪ Shackety mackety ♪ ♪ Thwackety crackety ♪ 1562 01:17:41,039 --> 01:17:43,017 ♪ She was just a slut ♪ 1563 01:17:43,041 --> 01:17:45,270 ♪ Find yourself another lass ♪ 1564 01:17:45,294 --> 01:17:48,648 ♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪ 1565 01:18:13,864 --> 01:18:17,385 ♪ From the Orpheum Theatre ♪ ♪ In downtown L.A. ♪ 1566 01:18:17,409 --> 01:18:20,639 ♪ Tonight we invite you ♪ ♪ To picture a play ♪ 1567 01:18:20,663 --> 01:18:24,058 ♪ A radio screenplay ♪ ♪ A film for your ears ♪ 1568 01:18:24,082 --> 01:18:27,919 ♪ It's Aural Cinema! ♪ 1569 01:20:10,313 --> 01:20:13,877 ♪ From the Orpheum Theatre ♪ ♪ In downtown L.A. ♪ 1570 01:20:13,901 --> 01:20:17,088 ♪ Tonight we invite you ♪ ♪ To picture a play ♪ 1571 01:20:17,112 --> 01:20:20,216 ♪ A radio screenplay ♪ ♪ A film for your ears ♪ 1572 01:20:20,240 --> 01:20:26,503 ♪ It's Aural Cinema! ♪123820