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1
00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,294
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
2
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:29,380
Welcome to another
edition of Aural Cinema,
3
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:33,092
- our popular series
of Movies for the Ears.
4
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,637
Well, we'll be going on air live
in just a couple of minutes,
5
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:40,099
- so please may we first of
all test the applause level?
6
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,188
Thank you.
7
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,064
Excellent, thank you very much.
8
00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:50,694
Well, tonight's Cinema for
Sound features What About Dick?
9
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:55,365
An emotion picture for radio, which
tells the story of the decline and fall-
10
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:59,035
- of the British Empire as seen
through the eyes of a piano.
11
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,077
So will you welcome, please,
12
00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:02,998
- tonight's fantastic cast!
13
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,350
♪ From the Orpheum ♪
♪ Theatre in downtown L.A. ♪
14
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:25,687
♪ Tonight we invite you ♪
♪ to picture a play ♪
15
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:28,982
♪ A radio screenplay ♪
♪ A film for your ears ♪
16
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:32,276
♪ Aural Movies, ♪
♪ welcome, my dears ♪
17
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:35,572
Yes, it's time once again
for the Cinema of Sound-
18
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:40,851
- to transport you across the radio
waves to bring you What About Dick?
19
00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:45,957
♪ It's Aural Cinema! ♪
20
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:54,674
Once upon a time,
there were two sisters-
21
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,551
- who lived with their Aunt Maggie-
22
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:59,930
- in a rambling old Edwardian
novel in Kensington.
23
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,683
Emma, the older, was an
emotionally repressed English girl,
24
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:07,604
- who spent all day staring out of the
window dreaming of a submissive role-
25
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,356
- in a sick relationship with an
older sadomasochistic Englishman.
26
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:16,237
Helena, her younger sister
was a dark-haired, foxy minx-
27
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,907
- who stole umbrellas to
repress her sexual urges.
28
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,577
What's a minx?
Is it an Egyptian thing?
29
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,287
No, dear, that's the Sphinx.
30
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,372
Oh, I thought that was
the backside of something.
31
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,165
No, dear, that's the sphincter.
32
00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,584
Ah.
33
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,795
Anyway, these two
sisters lived together-
34
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:35,048
- in a two-story novel
with their Aunt Maggie,
35
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:38,301
- an amateur dipsomaniac, who
spent the afternoons in Hampstead-
36
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,803
- under a young Austrian doctor.
37
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:43,681
His name is Freud.
Roger Freud.
38
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:46,684
He's licensed in
massage and colonics.
39
00:02:48,002 --> 00:02:49,395
And who exactly are you?
40
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,940
I am the narrator of this tale.
41
00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:54,692
Everyone in this
story has touched me,
42
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:59,238
- and played with me and run their
fingers over me until I rang with joy.
43
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,868
For you see, I am a Piano.
44
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,579
- A piano narrating the story?
- Yes.
45
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,039
Furniture doesn't narrate stories.
46
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,333
I'm not furniture,
I'm an instrument.
47
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:13,711
Well, that's stupid. Are we to have
Macbeth narrated by the bagpipes?
48
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:16,422
Or Les Mis told by
the French horns?
49
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:19,888
Look, it's my fucking play
and I'll play a piano if I want to.
50
00:03:21,076 --> 00:03:24,905
Anyway, this is the story of a piano.
51
00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:30,478
Heavens, is that the time?
The third of August, 1910?
52
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:32,897
Evening Star and Standard.
Read all about it.
53
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:36,734
Anuver 'eadless 'uman
found 'alf eaten in 'Oundsditch.
54
00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:39,779
Oh, dear, not the Ripper again.
55
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,991
No, this one's the Mutilator.
Apparently, he eats his victims.
56
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:45,035
Oh, how disgusting.
57
00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:47,578
Just then, the Reverend
Whoopsie walked into the door.
58
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,873
Ouch.
59
00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,379
Walked into the doorway.
60
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,256
Oh, sorry.
61
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,510
Hello, ladies.
Do I intrude?
62
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:05,329
Not from this angle,
Mr Whoopsie.
63
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,975
The Reverend Whoopsie-
64
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,394
- is a...
Well, he's a...
65
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:16,149
He is a single clergyman,
who's kindly disposed to all men.
66
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:20,028
Especially working men,
who I adore above all-
67
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:24,032
- and put on a pedestal
and offer five shillings to.
68
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:26,910
Your Christianity does
you credit, Whoopsie.
69
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,995
Let us not forget,
our Lord Himself-
70
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:31,455
- had twelve little male friends,
71
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:34,417
- all sailors,
and nobody said a word.
72
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,464
- Have you seen Dick?
- Not for ages, Mr Whoopsie.
73
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,261
Not since a Coming Out Ball
turned unexpectedly fruity...
74
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,304
No, I think he means
your nephew Dick.
75
00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:49,682
Oh! Oh, dear.
76
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,185
Yes... Oh, he's coming
down today from Oxford.
77
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:56,021
I wondered if he'd like to
come camping with me?
78
00:04:56,255 --> 00:05:00,040
I'd love a weekend of Dick.
79
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:04,688
I always found 20
minutes quite sufficient.
80
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,578
Ah! Helena, why don't you play
something for Mr Whoopsie on your harp?
81
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,164
I hate the harp.
I'm sick of plucking.
82
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,624
Well you should try a mouth organ.
83
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,542
Like Dick.
So you can suck and blow...
84
00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,420
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Thank you, Emma.
85
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,298
Why don't you sing us one
of your Victorian ballads?
86
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,674
Right-o.
87
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,598
♪ Blow me ♪
88
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:35,902
♪ A kiss in the moonlight ♪
89
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,022
♪ Blow me ♪
90
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:43,027
♪ A kiss in the dawn ♪
91
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,445
♪ Blow me down ♪
92
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:48,783
♪ I never knew I would dare ♪
93
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:52,162
♪ Now must I swallow ♪
94
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:57,681
♪ My pride while I'm there ♪
95
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,878
♪ Heavens, he's coming ♪
96
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,048
♪ Inside now ♪
97
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,340
♪ He's coming ♪
98
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:09,179
♪ To make me his own ♪
99
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,682
♪ In these cold marble halls ♪
100
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,351
♪ Where the men hold their balls ♪
101
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:25,135
♪ Why must I always be all alone? ♪
102
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:30,849
Lovely, dear.
Just lovely.
103
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:34,954
At that moment,
they spotted Dick.
104
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,498
A young man with
floppy hair, bee-stung lips-
105
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:41,502
- and a strangely
ambivalent sexuality.
106
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:45,464
One of those impossibly pretty English
boys with ravish-me bedroom eyes-
107
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:47,508
- and bathroom legs and
drawing room thighs...
108
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,927
Yes, thank you, Piano.
I think we get it.
109
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,055
- Dick!
- Hello, everybody.
110
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:55,850
- Hello, Whoopsie. Hello,
Emma, old sausage. - Hello, Dick.
111
00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:57,727
What are you reading
at Oxford, Dick?
112
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,230
Beauty On The Mountie.
113
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:03,181
That's Mutiny On The Bounty.
114
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:06,903
Sorry.
How's the umbrella thing, Helena?
115
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,572
Oh, Dick!
116
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:12,533
Why does she take umbrellas?
117
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,203
Well, it's just female hysteria, dear.
118
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:18,081
She needs a little
Rogering in Hampstead.
119
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,876
Ooh, he has a new machine
called the Happy Chappy,
120
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,754
- which relieves all
my female tension.
121
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:28,216
How does it work? Well, I lie down,
and he attaches it to me.
122
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,550
Where?
123
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,710
Well, in Hampstead.
124
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,848
I say, Dick, do you fancy
a weekend in Norfolk?
125
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,850
Golly.
Sounds a bit dull.
126
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,353
Well, yes, it is a bit dull.
But we can play tiddlywinks.
127
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,563
Oh, yes, that sounds spiffing.
128
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,899
Splendid.
If you'll excuse me.
129
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:46,401
Mind the umbrellas...
130
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,613
Ouch.
131
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,532
Good heavens, look, it's
Mr Hudson coming here,
132
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:55,743
- to this very house, to meet
me for the very first time,
133
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:58,121
- and perhaps to fall
hopelessly in love with me,
134
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,789
- which he will not be
able to express because-
135
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,958
- he is English and
cannot mention emotions-
136
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,667
- and has a beastly sick wife,
137
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,587
- who cannot satisfy his
perfectly normal manly urges,
138
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,047
- which could very
easily be satisfied-
139
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:09,632
- with some cold cream,
a hand towel-
140
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,675
- and a copy of the
Guinness Book Of Records.
141
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,888
Thank you, Aunt Maggie.
142
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:18,724
I hope I don't disturb you ladies.
143
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,311
Hey, you, visitor,
I'm not a Lady.
144
00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:23,438
Oh, forgive me.
It is your hairstyle.
145
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:26,983
My name is Hudson.
I am in rubber.
146
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,193
Ooh, really?
Are you wearing it?
147
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,154
No, no, not wearing it,
it is my business.
148
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:34,157
Well, of course it's your
business what you wear.
149
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,742
No, no, no,
it is my business, my business.
150
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,620
Mr Hudson is the owner
of the Hudson Rubber Company.
151
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:43,416
Oh, the manufacturer
of the Happy Chappy?
152
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,377
Well, I find it most satisfactory.
153
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:50,806
Although, occasionally, I do miss
the disappointment of a real man.
154
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,011
Mr Hudson discovered
those gadgets in India.
155
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,305
He saw the future of
rubber and embraced it.
156
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,515
How precisely this
woman understands me.
157
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,352
And how perfectly lovely
she is, with her warm eyes,
158
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,728
- her rosy lips and her firm,
welcoming, cuddly, bouncy...
159
00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:07,190
I can hear you, Mr Hudson.
160
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,524
I'm very sorry, Miss Schlegel.
161
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,361
Have you seen Dick, Mr Hudson?
162
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,011
Yes, quite a lot in India...
163
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,492
No, no. This is Dick.
He's at Oxford.
164
00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:18,742
Oh, oh, what is he reading?
165
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:21,371
The Three Musty Queers.
166
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:24,832
The Three Musketeers.
167
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,583
- Sorry.
- Yes, no.
168
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,170
I read French philosophy.
Trouble was it was all in French.
169
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:32,006
Didn't get a word of it.
170
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,966
Oh, Mr Hudson.
You're such a card.
171
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,534
Yes.
172
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,281
Yes, yes, well... Well, we
mustn't spend all day doing that.
173
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,932
No.
174
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,142
This isn't America.
175
00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,542
How very witty Mr Hudson is,
176
00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:10,002
- and he has such lovely
eyes and such manly thighs,
177
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,921
- and such eloquent
hips, and such-
178
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,297
- a big...
- I can hear you, Miss Schlegel.
179
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,299
Oh, so sorry.
180
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:18,094
Well, I must be off, I need to
lubricate a new oiler for my jigger.
181
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,845
I have no idea how that sounds.
182
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,414
It sounds so romantic.
183
00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,978
♪ Dick, Dick, ♪
♪ What about Dick? ♪
184
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,106
♪ Is there some ♪
♪ Dreadful mystery ♪
185
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,941
♪ Hidden in his history? ♪
186
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,778
♪ Dick, Dick, ♪
♪ His mile is short of yards ♪
187
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:39,698
♪ I don't think he is playing ♪
♪ From a full deck of cards ♪
188
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,451
♪ Everybody likes Dick ♪
189
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,660
♪ Everybody wants Dick ♪
190
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:47,331
♪ Though he seems to be a ♪
♪ Sandwich short of a full picnic ♪
191
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:50,960
♪ Dick, Dick's a cappuccino ♪
♪ With no foam ♪
192
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:54,028
♪ The lights are on but is ♪
♪ There really anybody home? ♪
193
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:03,347
Those boys in the pub seemed
to take a real shine to you, Dick.
194
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:07,726
Dick, has anyone ever told you
about the birds and the bees?
195
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,229
- I'm 26.
- Oh.
196
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,855
Ah.
197
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,215
But did anybody ever
tell you about the birds-
198
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,736
- and the birds?
199
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,531
No.
200
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,533
Well, Dick...
201
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:26,412
...remember when we were very
young in the nursery with Nanny,
202
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:28,914
- being violently incontinent,
203
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:33,210
- and we were like Peter Pan,
we never wanted to grow up.
204
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,462
Yes.
205
00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:36,255
Well, when Peter comes fluttering in-
206
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,924
- through the bedroom window,
he wants Wendy,
207
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,801
- but not for a wife.
208
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:43,720
He's looking for a
mummy for the Lost Boys.
209
00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:46,265
You are one of the
Lost Boys, Dick. Mmm.
210
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,058
Because I have no mummy?
211
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,394
Because you are different, Dick.
212
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:54,064
Lost Boys are not so
much lost as hiding.
213
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:57,652
- From whom?
- From the cruel world, Dick,
214
00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:02,729
- which frowns on boys trying
on Tiger Lily's flimsy dresses.
215
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:06,076
Or borrowing makeup from Tinker Bell,
216
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:08,978
- or going out hunting
for rough male pirates...
217
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,957
Let me put it another way.
218
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,876
When Oscar Wilde talks of a love-
219
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,878
- that dare not speak its name...
220
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,254
What's that?
221
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,048
Well, it's male love.
222
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,509
No, no, not that.
That!
223
00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,969
There, on the beach.
224
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,913
Oh, good heavens.
It's a piano.
225
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,933
What's it doing on the beach?
226
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,344
Sounds like Rachmaninov.
227
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:37,441
I am going to give this piano
to the working classes.
228
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:40,027
- Why? - Because they
need some new instruments.
229
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,862
But I saw it first.
230
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:46,783
Then we shall call it The Dick
Piano for the Working Classes!
231
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,621
- Hey, Bert?
- Yes, Ken.
232
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,789
- See that pianer?
- Yeah.
233
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:55,459
What's it doing on the beach?
234
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,775
Perhaps it fell off
the back of the Titanic.
235
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,796
Maybe it's a symbol.
236
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:02,116
No, it's definitely a piano.
237
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,136
- Hey, you two idiots.
- Yes, guv.
238
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,663
- What's your name?
- Bertrand Russell.
239
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,807
The philosopher?
240
00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:13,644
No, sir, Bertrand Russell
the furniture remover.
241
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:17,772
Oh, well, I want you to
remove this piano to London.
242
00:13:17,796 --> 00:13:20,651
I am going to give it
to the working classes.
243
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:22,945
Wow.
I'm sure they'll be thrilled.
244
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,271
All 25 million of them.
245
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,283
You okay, Ken?
You've gone a bit pale.
246
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,577
Oh, there's something oddly
familiar about this piano, Bert.
247
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,370
- What?
- I've seen it before.
248
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,330
- Where?
- In India.
249
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,040
When I was in the regiment.
250
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:38,419
It was August 1898, a
stinking hot day in Shagistan...
251
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,383
- What's going on?
- He's having a flashback.
252
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,510
Oh, dear.
253
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:49,621
- Can you stop him?
- Too late, sir. It's started.
254
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,642
I was in British India,
in Shagistan,
255
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,102
- with the Queen's
Own Gay Gordons,
256
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,730
- a cross-dressing British regiment-
257
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,814
- sent to raise morale on
the North West frontier.
258
00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:02,934
We were a hundred
men under Lord Darling.
259
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:05,279
Guarding the back passage to India.
260
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,197
One day, I came
across a local man,
261
00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:10,900
- by the name of Deepak
Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley,
262
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:16,355
And he was making
something rather special.
263
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,671
There.
That is it. It is finished.
264
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,340
- What is it, Deepak?
- Well, what does it look like?
265
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,176
Well, looks like a dick.
266
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,929
Exactly. In fact, it is a dick.
But a toy one. For women.
267
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,808
- What kind of toy?
- A toy women can play with.
268
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,851
- Where?
- In their privates.
269
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,227
But what would they do with it?
270
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:41,590
Well, er, they could, er, sit on it.
271
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,567
You mean...
272
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,902
- Yes.
- Good grief. You're a monster.
273
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:50,073
No, rest assured, Sergeant.
Women will enjoy this little toy.
274
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:51,784
Well, I can't believe
any woman would ever...
275
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:54,119
Oh, yes, they will.
You may be shocked, Sergeant,
276
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,706
- but you are looking
here at the future.
277
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,791
Hitherto, these little private toys-
278
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,543
- have been made
only in merchant ivory,
279
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,546
- but now, look you, rubber.
280
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,841
Much more flexible,
much more easily sat upon.
281
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:10,200
- Good God.
- You are very naive, Sergeant.
282
00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:12,221
There is a shining future for
the personal stimulator.
283
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,681
You see, I believe that one day-
284
00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:16,016
- every woman will
have one of these things.
285
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,310
They'll have models in all shapes
and sizes that'll make different things-
286
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:21,355
- and they will shake and they
will vibrate and they will buzz.
287
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,024
They will be called The American
Happy Boy. The Old Colonial.
288
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:27,611
Ghetto Blaster. Slippery Sid.
Black Beauty. Oh, Calcutta...
289
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:31,240
And your dick will be useful
for a little while yet, Sergeant,
290
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,617
- but when push comes to shove it will
be nothing compared to one of these-
291
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,143
- little rubber things.
And that...
292
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:38,664
That is the future and then-
293
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,708
- the Hudson Rubber Company
will be worth a fortune.
294
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,483
And I will get a proper Indian accent.
295
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,454
This...
296
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:50,800
- Yes. This, I believe.
- Thank you.
297
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,685
Morning, Colonel Darling.
298
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,437
Morning, Sergeant.
299
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,814
How's Drag Night coming along?
300
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:05,816
Ah, the men are very much
looking forward to it, sir.
301
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,651
They've been up all
night sewing their frocks.
302
00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:09,695
Is there any finer sight-
303
00:16:09,719 --> 00:16:14,491
- than a regiment of young
British men in full drag?
304
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:18,078
By God,
it must terrify the enemy.
305
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:20,330
Scares the shit out of me, sir.
306
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,999
- Good grief.
- What is it, Sergeant?
307
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,001
Over there, sir.
In the scrub.
308
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,462
What is that?
309
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,671
Looks like a piano, sir.
310
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:29,799
Beware, sir, my Lord Darling.
311
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,550
This piano could well
bring about the collapse-
312
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,994
- of the entire British Empire.
- What?
313
00:16:34,018 --> 00:16:36,972
Oh, don't mind Deepak, sir.
He's always predicting the future.
314
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,440
Last week,
he foresaw Sarah Palin.
315
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,606
- What's that? - Some kind of
British comedian, I think, sir.
316
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:49,067
And then only last night
he foresaw the Kardashians.
317
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:52,187
Is that some kind of disease?
318
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,073
Yes, it is.
319
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,666
And you should see his little dick.
320
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,334
I beg your pardon.
321
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,919
He's got a little rubber toy, sir,
322
00:17:07,043 --> 00:17:09,387
- that apparently women will
put up their hoochy coochy...
323
00:17:09,511 --> 00:17:11,214
That's quite enough of that.
324
00:17:11,238 --> 00:17:13,550
Take this piano back to camp.
325
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:18,138
It will make its debut tonight at
the Regimental Fancy Dress Ball.
326
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,474
Oh, no, sahib, I beg you.
Rivers will run with blood,
327
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,810
- the wren will leave its nest,
328
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,729
- frogs will fall from the sky and
lambs will give birth to little tadpoles,
329
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:30,066
- and the owl will hoot at night...
- The owl always hoots at night.
330
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,861
This one will hoot in French!
331
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:36,448
- Oh, shut up, Deepak,
and Sergeant... - Sir.
332
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,475
I want to see you in my tent,
the minute we get back.
333
00:17:39,499 --> 00:17:42,504
- Uh, might a few minutes after, sir.
- Why?
334
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:44,688
- I have to take a "Donald".
- A what?
335
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,673
A Donald Trump.
336
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:50,629
Ohhh... a dump.
337
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:53,883
So I was taken back to
camp by the piano wallers,
338
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:58,470
- a small hill tribe used by the
Scots Gays for moving furniture,
339
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,681
- while Sergeant Russell took a Donald-
340
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,614
- and hurried off to meet Lord Darling...
341
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,020
It's a tent.
342
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,503
Oh, sorry.
343
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:11,357
- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Ah, yes, Sergeant.
344
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:15,654
Come in. The thing is,
I wanted a little talk with you-
345
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:18,198
- because there's something
I want to get off my chest.
346
00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,742
That ugly picture of your wife, sir?
347
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:24,997
No, my own chest,
not off the furniture.
348
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:27,881
Yeah, perhaps it's
just a bad angle, sir.
349
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,268
- It's from the front.
- Exactly.
350
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,340
Sergeant, I'm trying to tell
you something personal,
351
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:38,301
- but you know how we English
people are with emotions.
352
00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:39,845
We don't have any, sir.
353
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:43,640
No, we have some,
but we don't share them.
354
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:46,435
We're not a touchy-feely race.
355
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,277
Like the Nigerians.
356
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,397
What?
357
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:54,651
Look, this may just
be sentimental tosh,
358
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,445
- but I have been having feelings-
359
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,656
- about something,
well, a little private.
360
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,991
Any little private we know, sir?
361
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:07,289
It feels a bit awkward,
I mean, after all, we're in the Army.
362
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:10,341
Yes, it's fairly common
in the Navy, sir.
363
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,880
It's just that if anything
should happen to me, Sergeant,
364
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,674
- and this is really important,
365
00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,200
I should like you to...
366
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,013
What?
What did he say?
367
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,431
That's just it.
I can't remember.
368
00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,391
You can't remember?
369
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,684
Just that it was very important.
370
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,062
Well, how could
you possibly forget?
371
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,522
Because that night,
when the piano appeared-
372
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,858
- at the Regimental
Transvestite Ball,
373
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,216
- something terrible happened...
374
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,236
Good evening, Major Dickhead.
375
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:42,253
That...
That's D'Hard.
376
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,994
What?
377
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,979
It's spelt "Dickhead,"
but it's pronounced "D'Hard."
378
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,440
Oh, sorry.
379
00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:58,882
Splendid sight, isn't it, all
these chaps in their frocks?
380
00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,926
Stimulating.
381
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:05,585
- Fancy a stiff one?
- I already have one.
382
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,975
- Lovely gown.
- Thank you.
383
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:10,226
Sorry to interrupt
this gay banter, sir.
384
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,354
But there is a bit of
trouble in the camp.
385
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,730
What sort of trouble?
386
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,231
One of the civilians has been eaten.
387
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,275
- Beaten?
- No, sir. Eaten.
388
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,153
Eton as in the public school,
389
00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:23,657
- founded in 1440 by
Henry 6th, Part 3?
390
00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,368
No, sir, eaten as in tucked
into a nice sandwich,
391
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:28,787
- nibble, nibble, nibble, part chewed.
392
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,915
- Good grief!
- Shall I cancel the ball?
393
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:35,251
Good Lord, no need to do that,
the chaps have been up all night-
394
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,753
- sewing their dresses.
395
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,672
Right-o, sir.
396
00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:41,508
But I wish I had, because
shortly after the Spot Dance-
397
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,468
- when Corporal Higgins
had just won best frock,
398
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,303
- for a beautiful
hand-embroidered ball gown,
399
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,597
- all hell broke loose.
400
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,141
It should have been me.
401
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:50,308
- It was mine.
- My frock was much better than yours.
402
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:51,518
No, mine had no holes in it.
403
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:52,602
Look at yours,
it's still rubbish.
404
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:54,146
I don't know what you're...
405
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:57,548
But this terrible bickering
was soon silenced...
406
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:03,562
...by a deadly attack.
407
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:11,577
What sort of enemy
attacks during Drag Night?
408
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:14,166
And I'll tell you one thing, Sergeant.
409
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:15,333
Before I die...
410
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,963
...there is a place
far off in the future,
411
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:22,966
- where the wind
blows off the mountains,
412
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:26,261
- and people will be kind and good-
413
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:30,599
- and respect one another
and be decent and fair...
414
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:31,683
America, sir?
415
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,727
No, not America.
416
00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,437
Holland.
417
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,444
- But there aren't any
mountains in Holland. - What?
418
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,613
Well there's canals and dykes and red
light districts with hookers in the windows,
419
00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,031
- but no mountains.
420
00:21:46,055 --> 00:21:48,158
The mountains are a metaphor.
421
00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:50,077
But Holland is noted for being flat.
422
00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:51,828
It doesn't matter.
423
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,663
Well, it matters because if
the metaphor is to signify it,
424
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,707
- it must be appropriate
to the comparison.
425
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:56,917
No, no, you see,
426
00:21:56,941 --> 00:22:00,378
- a metaphor is by
definition a comparison-
427
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:03,989
- between two different things.
- That's a simile.
428
00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:09,578
But the argument was never resolved.
429
00:22:10,788 --> 00:22:13,183
Lord Darling took a terrible wound.
430
00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,019
I'm done for, Sergeant.
431
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:21,014
- Don't forget your promise.
- Oh, I won't, sir.
432
00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:22,776
But I did.
433
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,611
In the morning, there
were only three survivors,
434
00:22:24,635 --> 00:22:28,282
- me, Deepak and this piano.
435
00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:33,620
Look, there's Helena Schlegel
walking down Bond Street.
436
00:22:33,644 --> 00:22:35,914
- Helena!
- Hello, Reverend Whoopsie.
437
00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:37,373
Is the flashback over?
438
00:22:37,397 --> 00:22:39,168
Yes, thank God.
439
00:22:39,192 --> 00:22:40,961
How was the weekend with Dick?
440
00:22:40,985 --> 00:22:44,337
- Marvellous, we played games.
- Who won?
441
00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:46,757
Dick came first.
442
00:22:47,449 --> 00:22:50,368
It was such fun, Helena.
I hardly knew I had it in me.
443
00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:55,142
Then Dick found this
piano on the beach.
444
00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:58,050
- Oh, it's a beauty.
- Isn't it?
445
00:22:58,127 --> 00:22:59,813
We are giving it to the workers.
446
00:22:59,837 --> 00:23:01,773
Oh. Not to me, Dick?
447
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:04,943
Mr Whoopsie says the workers
need some new instruments.
448
00:23:04,967 --> 00:23:08,238
But it's such a beautiful PNO.
You might have thought of me.
449
00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:11,825
Whoopsie was very insistent.
Apparently, he has a young man in mind.
450
00:23:11,849 --> 00:23:14,410
Why don't you come along
and meet him tonight-
451
00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:17,080
- at The Royal Working Men's Club.
452
00:23:21,192 --> 00:23:26,048
Oh, dear God.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
453
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:28,842
Shit. Christ. Hell.
Fuck. Will it never end?
454
00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:35,557
I am very pleased to present The
Dick Piano for the Working Classes-
455
00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:37,991
- to Leonard Bastard.
456
00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,478
So, what do you think, Helena?
457
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:43,232
I think it's monstrous,
why on earth did you choose him?
458
00:23:43,256 --> 00:23:45,984
Well, look at him, he's beautiful.
459
00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:48,778
But he can't play the
PNO to save his life.
460
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:50,197
Congratulations, Lenny.
461
00:23:50,221 --> 00:23:53,075
Thank you very much, Reverend.
462
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:55,285
Leonard,
this is Helena Schlegel.
463
00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:57,620
Very nice to meet you,
Miss Schlegel.
464
00:23:57,644 --> 00:23:59,122
How much do you
want for the PNO?
465
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,041
Oh, no. I couldn't
possibly part with it.
466
00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:02,625
I'll give you a hundred guineas.
467
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:04,794
Heavens, that's more than
me wife makes in a year.
468
00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:05,962
You're married?
469
00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,548
Oo's a clever little ducky-wucky?
470
00:24:08,572 --> 00:24:11,658
Come on, Lenny,
give us a smacker, then.
471
00:24:13,386 --> 00:24:14,363
This is Enid.
472
00:24:14,387 --> 00:24:16,406
- Who's Enid?
- I'm Enid.
473
00:24:16,430 --> 00:24:19,117
- She's your mother?
- No, she's me wife.
474
00:24:19,141 --> 00:24:23,254
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's the light in here.
475
00:24:24,438 --> 00:24:27,583
Don't worry, vicar, if it weren't
for me, Lenny would starve.
476
00:24:27,607 --> 00:24:29,794
Why, what is it you do, Mrs Bastard?
477
00:24:29,818 --> 00:24:30,962
She has men over.
478
00:24:30,986 --> 00:24:32,714
And what does she do with them?
479
00:24:32,738 --> 00:24:34,174
None of your business.
480
00:24:34,198 --> 00:24:37,635
I make them happy.
You should try it some time.
481
00:24:37,659 --> 00:24:39,312
- Enid!
- What!
482
00:24:41,497 --> 00:24:43,725
Little stuck up git.
483
00:24:43,749 --> 00:24:46,960
She's looking down
her nose at us, Lenny.
484
00:24:49,129 --> 00:24:51,139
Golly.
How awkward.
485
00:24:53,342 --> 00:24:58,698
Well, I must be off to play Hunt the
Thimble with the Bishop of Taunton.
486
00:24:58,722 --> 00:25:01,117
Enjoy the piano, Lenny.
487
00:25:01,141 --> 00:25:03,537
'Ow we ever gonna get
that pianer into our place?
488
00:25:03,561 --> 00:25:05,372
We'll manage somehow.
489
00:25:05,396 --> 00:25:07,249
We'll have to get a saw,
and cut it in half.
490
00:25:07,273 --> 00:25:09,167
A hundred and fifty guineas.
491
00:25:09,191 --> 00:25:11,794
I can't. I'd like to, miss.
But it's more than me life's worth.
492
00:25:11,818 --> 00:25:14,672
- Give me the address, then.
- It's at the bottom of Glenn Close.
493
00:25:14,696 --> 00:25:16,049
I'll tell the Russell brothers.
494
00:25:16,073 --> 00:25:18,760
That's in 'Oundsditch, miss.
495
00:25:18,784 --> 00:25:21,555
But you probably won't
never 'ave 'eard of it.
496
00:25:21,679 --> 00:25:23,573
- Enid.
- What!
497
00:25:23,597 --> 00:25:25,492
She is only trying to help, girl.
498
00:25:25,516 --> 00:25:27,536
I don't trust her, Lenny.
499
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,412
I don't like the way she is looking.
500
00:25:29,436 --> 00:25:33,215
- At me?
- No, at the piano.
501
00:25:33,815 --> 00:25:36,336
- Hey, you two idiots?
- Yes, miss.
502
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:38,505
You're to take this PNO
to Kensington Gardens.
503
00:25:38,529 --> 00:25:40,465
This what?
I think she means the pianer.
504
00:25:40,489 --> 00:25:43,009
Well, why doesn't she
fucking well say so?
505
00:25:43,033 --> 00:25:45,595
- Oh, she's a toff. But she has
very nice... - Oh, she certainly does...
506
00:25:45,619 --> 00:25:49,015
Hurry up, you two working-class
wankers, to Kensington.
507
00:25:49,039 --> 00:25:51,476
Kensington?
I thought it was going to Houndsditch.
508
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:53,811
No. It's written
"Houndsditch"-
509
00:25:53,835 --> 00:25:56,338
- but it's pronounced "Kensington."
510
00:25:57,256 --> 00:25:59,859
Oh, I see, that's why she's
a toff and I'm just a cunt...
511
00:25:59,883 --> 00:26:01,069
...try boy.
512
00:26:03,095 --> 00:26:05,739
Come on then, Warhorse.
513
00:26:05,763 --> 00:26:08,702
Look, Lenny, there's
the cart wiv our pianer.
514
00:26:08,726 --> 00:26:10,786
That's not the way to 'Oundsditch.
I knew it.
515
00:26:10,810 --> 00:26:12,163
They're 'eading for Kensington.
516
00:26:12,187 --> 00:26:14,040
Perhaps there's a mistake.
517
00:26:14,064 --> 00:26:16,209
Yeah, accepting pianers from
Whoopsie vicars is the mistake.
518
00:26:16,233 --> 00:26:18,211
- Quick, after them.
- I'll call the police.
519
00:26:18,235 --> 00:26:21,715
No, no, no, no,
not the police, Lenny.
520
00:26:21,739 --> 00:26:23,466
Think of my work.
521
00:26:23,490 --> 00:26:26,428
What is it exactly that you do?
522
00:26:26,452 --> 00:26:30,764
I've told you, Lenny, it's...
It's a kind of therapy.
523
00:26:30,788 --> 00:26:32,975
But must they take their trousers off?
524
00:26:32,999 --> 00:26:34,977
We'll talk about that later, Lenny.
525
00:26:35,001 --> 00:26:37,146
- No, I want to talk about it now.
- Oh!
526
00:26:37,170 --> 00:26:42,110
All right, Leonard,
I'm an Ass Reader.
527
00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:47,115
You what?
528
00:26:47,139 --> 00:26:52,102
I tell people's fortunes. It's like
palm reading, only I read their asses.
529
00:26:53,937 --> 00:26:56,773
Asstrology?
530
00:26:57,983 --> 00:27:00,002
Exactly.
531
00:27:00,026 --> 00:27:02,046
Why do you have to work all the time?
532
00:27:02,070 --> 00:27:03,506
Because...
533
00:27:05,658 --> 00:27:08,595
♪ I'm a simple girl ♪
♪ From 'Oundsditch ♪
534
00:27:08,619 --> 00:27:11,837
♪ Arse reading's what I do ♪
535
00:27:12,539 --> 00:27:14,976
♪ Bend over, ♪
♪ Drop your trousers, Len ♪
536
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,336
♪ I'll read your future, too ♪
537
00:27:18,211 --> 00:27:19,355
No!
538
00:27:19,379 --> 00:27:21,316
♪ Each spotty little botty ♪
539
00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:24,778
♪ Speaks volumes like a book ♪
540
00:27:24,802 --> 00:27:27,781
♪ Bend over, ♪
♪ My sweet Lenny dear ♪
541
00:27:27,805 --> 00:27:31,159
♪ And let me take a look ♪
542
00:27:31,183 --> 00:27:32,786
Get out of it.
543
00:27:32,810 --> 00:27:35,664
♪ Asstrology ♪
544
00:27:35,688 --> 00:27:37,915
♪ Asstrology ♪
545
00:27:37,939 --> 00:27:42,796
♪ As old as the hills ♪
♪ Like geology ♪
546
00:27:42,820 --> 00:27:46,382
♪ All that is written ♪
♪ And will come to pass ♪
547
00:27:46,406 --> 00:27:49,535
♪ Is buried down ♪
♪ Deep in your arse ♪
548
00:27:49,559 --> 00:27:50,844
Ugh!
549
00:27:50,868 --> 00:27:54,557
♪ Each little wrinkle ♪
♪ And crinkle and dimple ♪
550
00:27:54,581 --> 00:27:58,894
♪ Will foretell the future ♪
♪ It's really that simple ♪
551
00:27:58,918 --> 00:28:03,107
♪ Look on the light side ♪
♪ And not on the black side ♪
552
00:28:03,131 --> 00:28:07,885
♪ Your face is your fortune ♪
♪ But so is your backside ♪
553
00:28:08,512 --> 00:28:09,947
Come on, Lenny.
554
00:28:09,971 --> 00:28:12,826
♪ Asstrology ♪
555
00:28:12,850 --> 00:28:15,161
♪ Asstrology ♪
556
00:28:15,185 --> 00:28:19,582
♪ It all sounds like hogwash ♪
♪ And hoo-hah to me ♪
557
00:28:19,606 --> 00:28:23,503
♪ I prefer psychology ♪
558
00:28:23,527 --> 00:28:27,632
♪ Shut up and let me ♪
♪ Read your arse ♪
559
00:28:27,656 --> 00:28:32,053
♪ So each little problem ♪
♪ That's found on me mind ♪
560
00:28:32,077 --> 00:28:36,015
♪ Is written down ♪
♪ Neatly upon my behind ♪
561
00:28:36,039 --> 00:28:39,811
♪ The past though completely ♪
♪ And utterly gone ♪
562
00:28:39,835 --> 00:28:46,615
♪ Is plainly still ♪
♪ Writ upon my sit-upon ♪
563
00:28:47,008 --> 00:28:51,740
♪ Asstrology ♪
564
00:28:51,764 --> 00:28:53,867
♪ Asstrology ♪
565
00:28:53,891 --> 00:28:56,661
♪ They say that ♪
♪ Whatever will be ♪
566
00:28:56,685 --> 00:28:58,454
♪ Will be ♪
567
00:28:58,478 --> 00:29:02,250
♪ But whatever happens ♪
♪ When shove comes to push ♪
568
00:29:02,274 --> 00:29:05,002
♪ The future is ♪
♪ Found in your tush ♪
569
00:29:05,026 --> 00:29:06,838
♪ Tush! Tush! ♪
570
00:29:12,342 --> 00:29:15,196
It's very late, where
can that neurotic girl be?
571
00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,532
Don't worry, Aunt Maggie.
Here's Helena now.
572
00:29:17,556 --> 00:29:19,868
- On a cart.
- Hey, Emma, look what I've got.
573
00:29:19,892 --> 00:29:20,786
Not more umbrellas?
574
00:29:20,810 --> 00:29:21,995
She's got a piano!
575
00:29:22,019 --> 00:29:23,329
Where on earth did you get it?
576
00:29:23,353 --> 00:29:25,289
Uh, Dick found it and gave it to me.
577
00:29:25,313 --> 00:29:28,167
Out of breath, out of breath.
Excuse me.
578
00:29:29,317 --> 00:29:31,629
- Yes?
- That's my piano.
579
00:29:31,653 --> 00:29:33,756
- No, it's not.
- Oh, Helena, don't tell me...
580
00:29:33,780 --> 00:29:35,174
It's mine, Emma.
581
00:29:35,198 --> 00:29:36,676
Give it back to me or I
shall call the police.
582
00:29:36,700 --> 00:29:38,928
Yeah, you tell her, Lenny.
583
00:29:38,952 --> 00:29:41,055
What exactly do you want?
584
00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:43,057
We want his piano,
Miss 'Oity Toity.
585
00:29:43,081 --> 00:29:45,142
Stand aside, you ruffians.
586
00:29:45,166 --> 00:29:46,644
Why, Mr Hudson.
587
00:29:46,668 --> 00:29:47,896
May I be of some assistance?
588
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,147
This Lady is nicking my piano.
589
00:29:50,171 --> 00:29:52,358
How dare you make
scurrilous aspersions-
590
00:29:52,382 --> 00:29:54,819
- about a young,
neurotic upper-class woman.
591
00:29:54,843 --> 00:29:56,404
I shall thrash you, sir.
With my umbrella.
592
00:29:56,428 --> 00:29:58,239
- Ooh, I will take that.
- Thank you. - Oh, here.
593
00:29:58,263 --> 00:30:00,199
Um...
594
00:30:00,223 --> 00:30:02,869
Please, Mr Hudson.
Do not thrash him. He is working-class.
595
00:30:02,893 --> 00:30:05,580
Oh, no, he fucking ain't.
He ain't even working.
596
00:30:05,604 --> 00:30:07,415
I mean, Leonard's unemployed,
597
00:30:07,439 --> 00:30:08,958
- and we'll be forced
to fetch the police-
598
00:30:08,982 --> 00:30:10,626
- if you don't give
me that pianer back.
599
00:30:10,650 --> 00:30:14,005
Stealin' a pianer in
broad daylight, oh...
600
00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:17,425
Why, I never heard the like of it.
Oh, so help me.
601
00:30:17,449 --> 00:30:21,888
I never did in all of my
born days... Cor blimey!
602
00:30:21,912 --> 00:30:25,808
Lawks amercy, cross
me heart and hope to die.
603
00:30:32,798 --> 00:30:35,917
What is she, some
kind of Dickens festival?
604
00:30:37,761 --> 00:30:40,430
She is on crack cocaine.
605
00:30:41,306 --> 00:30:42,992
Get this woman out of here.
606
00:30:43,016 --> 00:30:46,419
Ooh, hello, cuddle-butt.
607
00:30:47,186 --> 00:30:49,958
- Do you know her?
- Er, no.
608
00:30:49,982 --> 00:30:51,793
Absolutely not.
Never seen her before in my life.
609
00:30:51,817 --> 00:30:53,836
- You know this man, Enid?
- Yeah, he's a regular.
610
00:30:53,860 --> 00:30:55,004
Saturday's at 8:00.
611
00:30:55,028 --> 00:30:56,338
What is she talking about?
612
00:30:56,362 --> 00:30:58,340
- The woman's mad.
- Come on, Enid.
613
00:30:58,364 --> 00:31:00,927
Let's fetch the coppers.
You haven't 'eard the last of this.
614
00:31:00,951 --> 00:31:05,514
See you Saturday
as usual, dimple butt.
615
00:31:05,538 --> 00:31:07,516
Can I ask you a favour,
Mr Hudson?
616
00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:09,811
That man Leonard, who was
just here, would you go after him?
617
00:31:09,835 --> 00:31:11,938
Go after him and offer
to beat his lights out?
618
00:31:11,962 --> 00:31:13,106
No, offer him a job.
619
00:31:13,130 --> 00:31:14,315
Oh, whatever for?
620
00:31:14,339 --> 00:31:16,734
The piano was his.
Helena took it.
621
00:31:16,758 --> 00:31:18,778
Oh, dear. The umbrella thing
is getting much worse.
622
00:31:18,802 --> 00:31:21,322
Yes. And soon the police will be
here, and there'll be an awful stink.
623
00:31:21,346 --> 00:31:22,490
Where is this piano?
624
00:31:22,514 --> 00:31:24,241
Over there on the cart.
625
00:31:24,265 --> 00:31:26,494
- Hey, you two idiots.
- Yes, guv.
626
00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:28,496
- What's your name?
- Ken Russell.
627
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:31,124
- Don't I know you?
- No idea, guv.
628
00:31:31,148 --> 00:31:34,836
His memory's gone, sir. He can't remember
anything since the Shagistan Massacre.
629
00:31:34,860 --> 00:31:36,963
Oh. I see. Right.
Well, I want you to take this piano-
630
00:31:36,987 --> 00:31:39,465
- over to Trevor Howard's End.
631
00:31:39,489 --> 00:31:42,551
That is my country cottage in Norfolk.
The piano will be safe there.
632
00:31:42,575 --> 00:31:44,795
Right-o, Guv.
Come on, Warhorse.
633
00:31:47,873 --> 00:31:50,225
And now, Emma,
I will make my excuses,
634
00:31:50,249 --> 00:31:52,186
- and I shall pursue
Leonard Bastard to offer-
635
00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:54,522
- him a job in the
accounting department.
636
00:31:54,546 --> 00:31:57,025
Oh, I don't know how
to thank you, Mr Hudson.
637
00:31:57,049 --> 00:32:00,111
You do not need to thank me unless,
perhaps, do you have a hairbrush?
638
00:32:00,135 --> 00:32:01,386
Yes, why?
639
00:32:02,220 --> 00:32:03,614
Oh, nothing.
640
00:32:05,140 --> 00:32:06,909
She detains me with her eyes.
641
00:32:06,933 --> 00:32:08,828
I have a strong compulsion
towards her. It is as if...
642
00:32:08,852 --> 00:32:10,204
It is as if I can read his thoughts.
643
00:32:10,228 --> 00:32:11,747
It is as if she can read my thoughts.
644
00:32:11,771 --> 00:32:12,832
That's because we
are speaking out loud.
645
00:32:12,856 --> 00:32:14,249
Oh, yes, I suppose so.
646
00:32:14,273 --> 00:32:16,835
- So we are, still...
- Exactly.
647
00:32:16,859 --> 00:32:17,795
- It's not as if...
- No, hardly at all.
648
00:32:17,819 --> 00:32:19,505
And just to think,
if something doesn't...
649
00:32:19,529 --> 00:32:21,090
- No, of course, it doesn't.
- What's the harm in that?
650
00:32:21,114 --> 00:32:22,800
- Simply thinking.
- And fantasizing.
651
00:32:22,824 --> 00:32:24,093
- Perfectly normal.
- You know what I'd like to do?
652
00:32:24,117 --> 00:32:25,678
I have an idea.
653
00:32:25,702 --> 00:32:27,555
I'd like to be a butler.
654
00:32:30,165 --> 00:32:32,309
- A butler?
- In a great house.
655
00:32:32,333 --> 00:32:34,729
How odd.
I too dream of serving.
656
00:32:34,753 --> 00:32:36,480
As a housekeeper?
To serve alongside a man-
657
00:32:36,504 --> 00:32:39,192
- who likes order and discipline.
658
00:32:39,216 --> 00:32:41,485
Wearing a simple black
dress of silk, maybe?
659
00:32:41,509 --> 00:32:43,388
Yes.
660
00:32:43,412 --> 00:32:45,322
With a tightly laced
black corset underneath.
661
00:32:45,346 --> 00:32:46,824
Yes.
662
00:32:46,848 --> 00:32:51,234
- Perhaps, regulation black stockings...
- Oh, certainly.
663
00:32:55,382 --> 00:32:58,511
Forgive me, Miss Schlegel.
I must just go and rearrange my furniture.
664
00:32:58,535 --> 00:33:00,119
Oh, heavens.
665
00:33:01,721 --> 00:33:03,992
These are new trousers.
I'm just breaking them in for a friend...
666
00:33:04,016 --> 00:33:06,059
- So I see.
- Excuse me.
667
00:33:07,769 --> 00:33:12,708
Not so fast yer Upper
Middley Classy ponangers.
668
00:33:12,732 --> 00:33:14,836
Allow may tae introduceay mayself.
669
00:33:14,860 --> 00:33:17,880
I'm a Private Dick by the name of
Inspector McGuffin, o' New Scotland Yard,
670
00:33:17,904 --> 00:33:21,843
Missing Furniture Division,
including instruments, mouth organs,
671
00:33:21,867 --> 00:33:25,179
- banjos and other such items
lost from time to time and reported-
672
00:33:25,203 --> 00:33:27,205
- by the public to the police.
673
00:33:29,541 --> 00:33:31,209
Well, how do you do?
674
00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:34,337
Aye'll ask the fecking questions.
675
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:38,442
Well, Inspector,
I am a very busy man-
676
00:33:38,466 --> 00:33:39,861
- could you possibly tell
me what this is all about?
677
00:33:39,885 --> 00:33:41,487
Schertley.
678
00:33:41,511 --> 00:33:43,280
Er youngy man fra the
workers, Lennordy Bastard,
679
00:33:43,304 --> 00:33:45,616
- was given ay pianey frae
errrr the Reverend Whoopsie...
680
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,184
I'm sorry, what?
681
00:33:48,518 --> 00:33:51,330
A pianey. Young laddie
fra the working class,
682
00:33:51,354 --> 00:33:54,500
- apparently playin pianey id de
Royal Macworkey class Enstaychute.
683
00:33:54,524 --> 00:34:00,321
Yon laddie wi great big hairstool
tookey thi pianey contray ter all law to...
684
00:34:01,865 --> 00:34:04,052
...The Kensington Gardens -
685
00:34:04,076 --> 00:34:06,971
- where a man identified later to be
of the Hudson Rubbery Company,
686
00:34:06,995 --> 00:34:09,473
- ter wit yersen wishty take aweay-
687
00:34:09,497 --> 00:34:11,308
- pianey and secreting
eh the same pianey-
688
00:34:11,332 --> 00:34:14,520
- far away fra'distant place-
689
00:34:14,544 --> 00:34:18,566
- arousing the sushpicions of the
Metropolitan Opera and Politze,
690
00:34:18,590 --> 00:34:21,819
- namely Inschpector McGuffin, who is
demanding of the same eh Mr Hudson,
691
00:34:21,843 --> 00:34:24,655
- the return of or any eh en-formation-
692
00:34:24,679 --> 00:34:27,281
- regarding the arrest of the said pianey.
693
00:34:35,207 --> 00:34:37,425
Could you just run that by me again?
694
00:34:38,668 --> 00:34:41,913
- Mishter Hudson...
- Yes, I got that bit.
695
00:34:41,963 --> 00:34:44,775
Doo ye, or doo yee not,
have taken possession-
696
00:34:44,799 --> 00:34:47,903
- of the same youngy man
Lenny Bastard's pianey,
697
00:34:47,927 --> 00:34:50,906
- purloining in the same
said pianey forte contray-
698
00:34:50,930 --> 00:34:54,493
- tay al usages and practices
for yer own self abuse.
699
00:34:54,517 --> 00:34:56,370
In yer own werds, plese.
700
00:34:56,394 --> 00:34:58,747
I can honestly assure you, Inspector,
701
00:34:58,771 --> 00:35:00,749
- I have no idea what
you are talking about.
702
00:35:02,817 --> 00:35:05,462
Oh, ya, havnae wishty wishty
nae clue nay conceptuality-
703
00:35:05,486 --> 00:35:07,673
- of whatsomeer aye be talking aboot?
704
00:35:07,697 --> 00:35:11,059
Ah, are you offering us
a holiday in Scotland?
705
00:35:13,161 --> 00:35:16,390
Ahm no offering ye a holiday
in Schotland yer daft tit.
706
00:35:16,414 --> 00:35:18,059
Do ye no understand any English?
707
00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:19,542
Where is day feckin' piana?
708
00:35:21,002 --> 00:35:23,022
What feckin' piana?
709
00:35:23,046 --> 00:35:25,607
Don't come the raw
prawn with me, sonny.
710
00:35:25,631 --> 00:35:27,193
I think he means piano.
711
00:35:27,217 --> 00:35:29,153
Oh, thank ye for the transliteration,
712
00:35:29,177 --> 00:35:31,947
- ye upper tighty, upper classy
emotionally retarded twatty.
713
00:35:35,141 --> 00:35:38,329
Do you honestly see
any piano, Inspector?
714
00:35:38,353 --> 00:35:41,415
Don't be too fecking clever
wiv Inspector MaGuffin, son.
715
00:35:41,439 --> 00:35:44,418
Fer the noo...
716
00:35:44,442 --> 00:35:47,129
Fer the noo,
I'll trouble ye nay further.
717
00:35:47,153 --> 00:35:49,406
But ahm nay through
with you, big boy.
718
00:35:50,740 --> 00:35:54,762
So cheerio the noo,
my kenspeckle neebur!
719
00:35:54,786 --> 00:35:58,349
And when the wee moose
visits your bag of oatmeal-
720
00:35:58,373 --> 00:36:02,561
- may it no' return empty-handed.
721
00:36:02,585 --> 00:36:06,357
The more you know,
the less the better!
722
00:36:06,381 --> 00:36:09,342
Bee Baw Babbity, Aye Cockalorum!
723
00:36:21,062 --> 00:36:22,439
What an odd person.
724
00:36:24,941 --> 00:36:26,543
Miss Schlegel, are you hungry?
Would you like some dinner?
725
00:36:26,567 --> 00:36:27,836
Oh, gosh, yes, I'm starving.
726
00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:29,171
Well then let's say tomorrow, say,
727
00:36:29,195 --> 00:36:30,339
- at my country house in Norfolk?
728
00:36:30,363 --> 00:36:31,948
Oh... Okay.
729
00:36:33,741 --> 00:36:37,305
Next day while I was on the cart,
being driven up to Norfolk,
730
00:36:37,329 --> 00:36:40,849
- Emma took the train to
dine at Trevor Howard's End.
731
00:36:44,836 --> 00:36:47,189
I was as excited as a little girl.
732
00:36:47,213 --> 00:36:50,525
To be going up alone to
visit the man of my dreams!
733
00:36:50,549 --> 00:36:52,987
I was as giggly as a giddy goose.
734
00:36:53,011 --> 00:36:54,947
To get away from my
family and friends,
735
00:36:54,971 --> 00:36:57,491
- I was feeling so
very grown up when...
736
00:36:57,515 --> 00:36:59,410
- Hello Emma.
- Reverend Whoopsie!
737
00:36:59,434 --> 00:37:01,245
Surprise!
738
00:37:01,269 --> 00:37:02,913
What are you doing on this train?
739
00:37:02,937 --> 00:37:05,624
Aunt Maggie wanted to
make sure you were safe.
740
00:37:05,648 --> 00:37:08,419
Oh I'll be perfectly safe alone in
a bedroom in a country cottage-
741
00:37:08,443 --> 00:37:10,879
- with an unhappily married man.
742
00:37:10,903 --> 00:37:12,547
Think of your reputation dear.
743
00:37:12,571 --> 00:37:14,216
Aunt Maggie, you're here too?
744
00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:15,843
I love a train journey.
745
00:37:15,867 --> 00:37:18,744
All the jiggling about.
It's like the Happy Boy.
746
00:37:21,331 --> 00:37:22,557
Is that you Dick?
747
00:37:22,581 --> 00:37:25,478
Hello, Emma.
I've brought me mouth organ.
748
00:37:25,502 --> 00:37:27,188
And I can't wait to play my piano.
749
00:37:27,212 --> 00:37:29,023
Helena, you as well?
750
00:37:29,047 --> 00:37:31,400
I'm so excited, I've already
found three umbrellas on the train.
751
00:37:31,424 --> 00:37:33,152
- Give them back.
- No!
752
00:37:33,176 --> 00:37:35,863
The owners got off ages
ago and we're here now.
753
00:37:35,887 --> 00:37:38,532
Spiggy Junction, Spiggy Junction.
754
00:37:38,556 --> 00:37:41,118
All change for Cobblers Bottom,
755
00:37:41,142 --> 00:37:44,330
Wriggley in the Wart,
Cuddlestrum under Pratt,
756
00:37:44,354 --> 00:37:46,165
- Lower Neathsbucket,
757
00:37:46,189 --> 00:37:48,750
- Buttholes Landing,
758
00:37:48,774 --> 00:37:51,753
- Downton Abbey...
759
00:37:51,777 --> 00:37:53,488
Upper Prostate,
760
00:37:54,406 --> 00:37:56,842
- Bingley Bongly,
761
00:37:56,866 --> 00:38:00,703
- Lower Forking and
Spunky cum Snotterwold.
762
00:38:01,913 --> 00:38:04,641
Emma!
Welcome to Trevor Howard's End.
763
00:38:04,665 --> 00:38:06,852
Mister Hudson,
how kind of you to invite me.
764
00:38:06,876 --> 00:38:07,812
Us!
765
00:38:07,836 --> 00:38:09,480
- What?
- Hello.
766
00:38:09,504 --> 00:38:11,399
- Hello, Mister H.
- Hello, there.
767
00:38:11,423 --> 00:38:14,827
Oh. I didn't expect the
bloody Spanish Inquisition.
768
00:38:26,438 --> 00:38:28,249
No, no, neither did I.
769
00:38:28,273 --> 00:38:30,023
They insisted on chaperoning me.
770
00:38:31,401 --> 00:38:33,212
Good grief. What do they
think is going to happen?
771
00:38:33,236 --> 00:38:34,713
It's not as if we're going
to run off into the woods-
772
00:38:34,737 --> 00:38:36,757
- and start playing vicars and nurses.
773
00:38:36,781 --> 00:38:41,220
No. Though I hear the woods
can be very lovely this time of year.
774
00:38:41,244 --> 00:38:44,772
Especially with a picnic and
some extra virgin olive oil. Mmm.
775
00:38:45,623 --> 00:38:47,476
Well, look, please,
all of you, why don't you-
776
00:38:47,500 --> 00:38:49,270
- just go and play with
the farm machinery?
777
00:38:49,294 --> 00:38:51,897
Um, I have to go
and poison some rats.
778
00:38:51,921 --> 00:38:54,816
May I help you
poison rats, Mr Hudson?
779
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:58,320
Very kind of you, Emma, but
it's best left to a man, this job.
780
00:38:58,344 --> 00:38:59,988
Yes, what's more natural
on a Saturday afternoon-
781
00:39:00,012 --> 00:39:02,366
- than a good game of poisoning rats?
782
00:39:02,390 --> 00:39:04,118
- Especially if you can't...
- Well, precisely. It's very...
783
00:39:04,142 --> 00:39:06,245
- Healthy.
- Exactly. It takes my mind off...
784
00:39:06,269 --> 00:39:08,622
- Other things. - Quite.
Otherwise, a man can get very...
785
00:39:08,646 --> 00:39:10,499
- Whimsical.
- Without a regular...
786
00:39:10,523 --> 00:39:12,418
- Regime.
- It's hard for a man to...
787
00:39:12,442 --> 00:39:14,628
- Fulfil himself.
- Quite.
788
00:39:14,652 --> 00:39:17,590
Mr Hudson, may I help you finish
your sentences this weekend?
789
00:39:17,614 --> 00:39:19,383
At the weekend,
yes, Miss Schlegel,
790
00:39:19,407 --> 00:39:21,385
- that would be so very... Very...
791
00:39:23,578 --> 00:39:24,347
Fuck.
792
00:39:24,371 --> 00:39:25,764
Whatever was that?
793
00:39:25,788 --> 00:39:28,767
I don't know, um, that's just...
794
00:39:28,791 --> 00:39:30,585
I think it's my wife.
She's dying.
795
00:39:31,085 --> 00:39:32,729
Oh, dear.
796
00:39:32,753 --> 00:39:35,274
No need to worry.
She usually dies about this time of day.
797
00:39:35,298 --> 00:39:37,859
You can set your watch by it.
It's a form of wisteria.
798
00:39:37,883 --> 00:39:40,583
- Hysteria?
- No, wisteria, she's allergic to it.
799
00:39:41,513 --> 00:39:45,075
She was touched incorrectly
in a cave in India.
800
00:39:45,099 --> 00:39:48,468
Ever since then the sight of
wisteria makes her wisterical.
801
00:39:49,937 --> 00:39:52,249
You do not trust your
emotions, do you, Mr Hudson?
802
00:39:52,273 --> 00:39:53,917
I believe emotions are like rats,
803
00:39:53,941 --> 00:39:56,003
- they should be poisoned at birth.
804
00:39:56,027 --> 00:39:57,254
Mr Hudson...
805
00:39:57,278 --> 00:39:59,638
...do you know what a hooded clitoris is?
806
00:40:00,657 --> 00:40:03,550
Yes, It is a kind of snake with a cap on.
807
00:40:04,702 --> 00:40:08,972
- No, It is found in the vulva.
- Ah, Argentina.
808
00:40:11,125 --> 00:40:13,395
Have you any idea
what the vagina is?
809
00:40:13,419 --> 00:40:16,147
Well, that's a river
in the Belgian Congo.
810
00:40:16,755 --> 00:40:18,484
Oh, Mister Hudson,
do not toy with me.
811
00:40:18,508 --> 00:40:19,734
My gynaecologist tells me I may-
812
00:40:19,758 --> 00:40:21,195
-never be able to have an emotion.
813
00:40:21,219 --> 00:40:22,988
Do not despair,
Miss Schlegel, these days,
814
00:40:23,012 --> 00:40:25,073
- we can do wonderful things with rubber.
815
00:40:27,475 --> 00:40:31,245
And now if you'll excuse me,
I have to hit Tracey, and...
816
00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:36,617
But more to the point, my wife is dying
again. I must go and give her sugar.
817
00:40:37,235 --> 00:40:39,213
What a strange man he is.
818
00:40:39,237 --> 00:40:40,922
But I believe he understands me-
819
00:40:40,946 --> 00:40:42,675
- despite his attempts to distract me-
820
00:40:42,699 --> 00:40:44,510
- with interesting discourse
about rat poison.
821
00:40:44,534 --> 00:40:46,518
- I can still hear you.
- Oh, sorry.
822
00:40:50,415 --> 00:40:53,519
Whoa, there.
Look at that house, Ken.
823
00:40:53,543 --> 00:40:57,064
Blimey. Anne fucking
Hathaway's fucking cottage.
824
00:40:57,088 --> 00:40:58,982
Last time I saw so much thatch,
825
00:40:59,006 --> 00:41:00,784
- it was on a stripper in Belgium.
826
00:41:02,635 --> 00:41:05,322
Ere Bert see that bloke
lurking in the window?
827
00:41:05,346 --> 00:41:06,781
- The one watching us?
- Yeah. Do I know him?
828
00:41:06,805 --> 00:41:09,284
- Yeah, it's Mister Hudson.
- He looks familiar.
829
00:41:09,308 --> 00:41:11,269
You saw him yesterday when
he told us to bring the piano here.
830
00:41:11,293 --> 00:41:12,287
Oh, yeah.
831
00:41:12,311 --> 00:41:13,539
He thought he knew you.
832
00:41:13,563 --> 00:41:15,040
- From where?
- He didn't say.
833
00:41:15,064 --> 00:41:17,418
Look, Dick,
my PNO is here.
834
00:41:17,442 --> 00:41:19,670
You're jolly fond of
that piano, aren't you?
835
00:41:19,694 --> 00:41:21,213
I love it, Dick.
836
00:41:21,237 --> 00:41:22,673
Thank you ever so.
837
00:41:22,697 --> 00:41:24,550
Hey, you wouldn't
marry me, would you?
838
00:41:24,574 --> 00:41:27,177
- What?
- Become my awful wedded wife.
839
00:41:27,201 --> 00:41:29,096
That's lawful, Dick.
840
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:30,931
- Oh.
- And it's not lawful, we're cousins.
841
00:41:30,955 --> 00:41:32,558
Doesn't stop the Royal Family.
842
00:41:32,582 --> 00:41:34,727
Yes, but they're all bonkers.
843
00:41:34,751 --> 00:41:37,229
Dick, you are very beautiful,
but you are a little bit...
844
00:41:37,253 --> 00:41:41,108
- Am I? - Yes...
- Am I? -Yes, Dick. Just a tad.
845
00:41:41,532 --> 00:41:43,551
I'm so sorry, I don't
care for you in that way.
846
00:41:43,575 --> 00:41:44,528
I can't marry you.
847
00:41:44,552 --> 00:41:48,005
- Well, never mind. I'm gay anyway.
- What?
848
00:41:48,139 --> 00:41:50,433
He's different.
That's all.
849
00:41:53,436 --> 00:41:56,138
♪ He's different ♪
850
00:41:56,522 --> 00:41:59,074
♪ So very different ♪
851
00:41:59,317 --> 00:42:02,278
♪ Oh, very different ♪
852
00:42:02,654 --> 00:42:05,572
♪ In every way ♪
853
00:42:05,823 --> 00:42:09,219
♪ That's right, I'm different ♪
854
00:42:09,243 --> 00:42:13,056
♪ So very different ♪
855
00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:16,017
♪ Oh, very different ♪
856
00:42:16,041 --> 00:42:19,261
♪ Not gay ♪
857
00:42:19,712 --> 00:42:22,524
♪ He's not the same as other boys ♪
858
00:42:22,548 --> 00:42:24,818
♪ He likes to play ♪
♪ With different toys ♪
859
00:42:24,842 --> 00:42:29,163
♪ I like to stay out late ♪
♪ And dress in fancy things ♪
860
00:42:29,187 --> 00:42:30,658
♪ Of course you do ♪
861
00:42:30,682 --> 00:42:33,452
♪ He's not the only one ♪
♪ There's been ♪
862
00:42:33,476 --> 00:42:36,664
♪ I'm not the first king
♪ Who is a queen ♪
863
00:42:36,688 --> 00:42:39,166
♪ But it's illegal still ♪
864
00:42:39,190 --> 00:42:44,843
♪ So that is why we sing ♪
865
00:42:45,029 --> 00:42:48,748
♪ That he is different ♪
866
00:42:48,949 --> 00:42:52,346
♪ Oh, very different ♪
867
00:42:52,370 --> 00:42:56,423
♪ So very different ♪
868
00:42:57,583 --> 00:42:59,561
♪ Not...♪
869
00:42:59,585 --> 00:43:03,155
♪ ...Gay ♪
870
00:43:07,968 --> 00:43:10,739
Helena played'with me all afternoon,
871
00:43:10,763 --> 00:43:12,991
- tickling my ivories
with her lovely fingers.
872
00:43:13,015 --> 00:43:15,494
I must say she has a lovely touch.
873
00:43:15,518 --> 00:43:18,246
Meanwhile, Whoopsie and Dick
disappeared into the woods,
874
00:43:18,270 --> 00:43:21,834
- Maggie and Emma went for
a walk amongst the bluebells,
875
00:43:21,858 --> 00:43:27,422
- and Hudson busied himself
poisoning rats until around 3:00, when...
876
00:43:27,446 --> 00:43:30,258
I say, has anyone seen Dick?
877
00:43:30,282 --> 00:43:33,319
- What about Dick?
- I've lost him.
878
00:43:33,393 --> 00:43:34,446
What?
879
00:43:34,470 --> 00:43:36,530
One minute, we were
playing hide and seek,
880
00:43:36,554 --> 00:43:38,825
- and the next he'd gone.
881
00:43:38,849 --> 00:43:40,785
He's probably playing a game on you.
882
00:43:40,809 --> 00:43:45,532
Oh, yes, of course,
I'm sure he'll be back for dinner.
883
00:43:47,506 --> 00:43:48,965
It's a lovely dinner,
Mister Hudson.
884
00:43:48,976 --> 00:43:50,662
The curried goat is delicious.
885
00:43:50,686 --> 00:43:52,330
Yes, it's something my
wife picked up in India.
886
00:43:52,354 --> 00:43:56,159
- How is your wife?
- Oh, still off her tits.
887
00:43:56,283 --> 00:43:58,846
Still no sign of Dick.
It's very worrying.
888
00:43:58,870 --> 00:44:00,347
Perhaps we should call the police.
889
00:44:00,371 --> 00:44:02,332
Too late.
We're here.
890
00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:07,611
Oh, shit.
891
00:44:08,887 --> 00:44:11,575
My PNO! Um,
I'm sorry, Inspector,
892
00:44:11,599 --> 00:44:13,661
- you can't come in here,
we're having dinner.
893
00:44:13,685 --> 00:44:16,580
Ahm warnin ye. All o' ye, everay
singley wan o ye toffee nosed gits,
894
00:44:16,604 --> 00:44:19,541
- sittin around wi ye chips,
lestning to yer Showpan-
895
00:44:19,565 --> 00:44:22,210
- and yer Beethoven after
yer suppers with yer kippers-
896
00:44:22,234 --> 00:44:25,880
- and lungs and reekies,
lissen nao to me wordies-
897
00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:29,968
- that fra me lips an mooth
are droppet like the rain-
898
00:44:29,992 --> 00:44:35,056
- fallin fa thae glen that softly
swells tha glistening burns-
899
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:39,326
- and rivulets and streams
of bonnie Scotland.
900
00:44:40,018 --> 00:44:42,956
Is this something about a holiday?
901
00:44:42,980 --> 00:44:45,709
Ye've no won a holiday,
ye stupidgits.
902
00:44:45,733 --> 00:44:48,336
Wait a ticketyboo.
May I ask who owns that piano?
903
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:49,838
Oh, that's mine.
904
00:44:49,862 --> 00:44:52,965
Oh, es that reet?
905
00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:54,684
- It's yure pianey?
- Been in the family for years.
906
00:44:54,708 --> 00:44:56,010
Matter of fact,
it belongs to my wife.
907
00:44:56,034 --> 00:44:58,722
Yer wife is as mad as a hatter.
Coo-koo. Bonkers.
908
00:44:58,746 --> 00:45:00,348
And she has nae got a pianey.
909
00:45:00,372 --> 00:45:04,144
This pianey was stolen
from Leonard Bastard.
910
00:45:04,168 --> 00:45:06,354
No, no, Inspector,
you are mistaken.
911
00:45:06,378 --> 00:45:09,608
That is Helena's piano.
I gave it her.
912
00:45:09,632 --> 00:45:11,109
Leonard Bastard,
what are you doing here-
913
00:45:11,133 --> 00:45:14,321
- just in time to confirm
a most unlikely story?
914
00:45:14,345 --> 00:45:16,448
I came here to thank you for getting
me the job with Mister Hudson-
915
00:45:16,472 --> 00:45:18,991
- and to give you the
piano you love so much.
916
00:45:19,015 --> 00:45:20,034
How on earth did you get here?
917
00:45:20,058 --> 00:45:21,578
I walked.
918
00:45:21,602 --> 00:45:23,246
All the way from Houndsditch?
919
00:45:23,270 --> 00:45:24,331
Yes.
920
00:45:24,355 --> 00:45:25,874
- But that's a hundred miles.
- Yes.
921
00:45:25,898 --> 00:45:27,542
Would you like a glass of water?
922
00:45:27,566 --> 00:45:29,920
Seeing you is refreshment
enough for me.
923
00:45:29,944 --> 00:45:31,944
Oh, golly gosh, blush, blush, blush.
924
00:45:32,780 --> 00:45:36,050
So you see, Inspector,
it is Helena's piano.
925
00:45:36,074 --> 00:45:39,429
How very touching.
It reminds me of a wee ballad-
926
00:45:39,453 --> 00:45:44,467
- from my childhood
called The Lonely Trout.
927
00:45:46,627 --> 00:45:53,132
♪ From the heelan hills ♪
♪ And rills o bonnie Scotland ♪
928
00:45:53,801 --> 00:45:59,431
♪ Fra the bogs and fogs ♪
♪ And soggy lochs and braes ♪
929
00:46:00,140 --> 00:46:06,661
♪ From the moontin tops where ♪
♪ Lonely jocks drink whiskey ♪
930
00:46:06,856 --> 00:46:13,327
♪ To the dingy pond ♪
♪ Wherein the lone trout plays ♪
931
00:46:13,571 --> 00:46:20,590
♪ There was once a laddie ♪
♪ Wandered wi his lassie ♪
932
00:46:20,870 --> 00:46:26,431
♪ When she told him that ♪
♪ Her love for him was dead ♪
933
00:46:27,659 --> 00:46:30,764
♪ As she left this lonely boy ♪
934
00:46:30,788 --> 00:46:34,893
♪ Who'd now lost his only joy ♪
935
00:46:34,917 --> 00:46:41,705
♪ The trout raised his head ♪
♪ And this is what he said ♪
936
00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:44,194
♪ Oh ♪
937
00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:45,695
♪ Rum ti tumti ♪
938
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:47,030
♪ Tickle yer monkey ♪
939
00:46:47,054 --> 00:46:49,032
♪ Tickle di didle doo ♪
940
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,243
♪ Rumpy pumpy ♪
♪ Humpty dumpty ♪
941
00:46:51,267 --> 00:46:52,953
♪ Tickle yer tivey too ♪
942
00:46:52,977 --> 00:46:55,247
♪ Hankie pankie ♪
♪ Winkie wankie ♪
943
00:46:55,271 --> 00:46:57,249
♪ Diddle de didle doo ♪
944
00:46:57,273 --> 00:46:59,459
♪ Rinky dinky ♪
♪ Tiddley winky ♪
945
00:46:59,483 --> 00:47:01,044
♪ Nicky nacky noo ♪
946
00:47:01,068 --> 00:47:04,089
♪ The noo, the noo, ♪
♪ The noo, the noo ♪
947
00:47:04,113 --> 00:47:07,008
♪ Oh, muckert buckerty ♪
♪ Shmackerty crackety ♪
948
00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:08,426
♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪
949
00:47:08,450 --> 00:47:10,720
♪ Tiggly wiggly ♪
♪ Higgly piggly ♪
950
00:47:10,744 --> 00:47:12,513
♪ What is life about? ♪
951
00:47:12,537 --> 00:47:14,808
♪ Mickety pickety ♪
♪ Wickety pickety ♪
952
00:47:14,832 --> 00:47:16,726
♪ She was just a slut ♪
953
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:19,229
♪ Find yourself another lass ♪
954
00:47:19,253 --> 00:47:20,814
♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪
955
00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:23,233
♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪
♪ Nickety nackety ♪
956
00:47:23,257 --> 00:47:24,901
♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪
957
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:27,528
♪ Splickety wickety ♪
♪ Pickety nickety ♪
958
00:47:27,552 --> 00:47:29,197
♪ What is life about? ♪
959
00:47:29,221 --> 00:47:31,199
♪ Shackety mackety ♪
♪ Thwackety crackety ♪
960
00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:33,201
♪ She was just a slut ♪
961
00:47:33,225 --> 00:47:35,536
♪ Find yourself another lass ♪
962
00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:37,705
♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪
963
00:47:37,729 --> 00:47:40,500
♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪
♪ Nickety nackety ♪
964
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:42,043
♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪
965
00:47:42,067 --> 00:47:44,171
♪ Splickety wickety ♪
♪ Pickety nickety ♪
966
00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:45,964
♪ What is life about? ♪
967
00:47:45,988 --> 00:47:48,466
♪ Shackety mackety ♪
♪ Thwackety crackety ♪
968
00:47:48,490 --> 00:47:50,093
♪ She was just a slut ♪
969
00:47:50,117 --> 00:47:52,262
♪ Find yourself another lass ♪
970
00:47:52,286 --> 00:47:53,554
♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪
971
00:47:55,206 --> 00:47:56,557
♪ Oh, packety ♪
♪ Wackety nickety nackety ♪
972
00:47:56,581 --> 00:47:58,143
♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪
973
00:47:58,167 --> 00:48:00,020
♪ Splickety wickety ♪
♪ Pickety nickety ♪
974
00:48:00,044 --> 00:48:01,646
♪ What is life about? ♪
975
00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,815
♪ Shackety mackety ♪
♪ Thwackety crackety ♪
976
00:48:03,839 --> 00:48:05,692
♪ She was just a slut ♪
977
00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:08,945
♪ Find yourself another lass ♪
♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪
978
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,031
♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪
♪ Nickety nackety ♪
979
00:48:11,055 --> 00:48:15,910
Uh, no, I think, I think that's
quite enough of that, Inspector!
980
00:48:15,934 --> 00:48:19,988
I think... Come on, off!
Off, come on you, off, off, off!
981
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,750
Take your boobs with you.
982
00:48:22,774 --> 00:48:24,418
And what about Dick?
983
00:48:24,442 --> 00:48:26,671
Heavens, I completely
forgot about wee Dickie.
984
00:48:26,695 --> 00:48:28,548
My nephew is missing.
985
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:29,924
No, he's not.
986
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:33,220
Oh, you've found Dick.
Oh, thank heaven.
987
00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:35,930
Oh, shut yer drivel,
ye big wittering Jessie.
988
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:39,726
Yer a disgrace tae the wee free
cloth frolicin about in ponds-
989
00:48:39,750 --> 00:48:42,418
- wi naked laddies
wi nae troosers on.
990
00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:50,778
We have indeed found Dick.
991
00:48:50,802 --> 00:48:54,490
And he told me a joke.
We found him in the woods.
992
00:48:54,514 --> 00:48:55,909
In the woods... Is he dead?
993
00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:58,578
Not quite, but severely blooded.
994
00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:01,455
He was attacked by
some hungry bampot-
995
00:49:01,479 --> 00:49:04,376
- who tried to eat him all
up and do him like a dinner.
996
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,877
Great Scott!
997
00:49:07,986 --> 00:49:10,215
Thank you.
998
00:49:13,491 --> 00:49:15,469
But who would want to harm Dick?
999
00:49:15,493 --> 00:49:18,681
Somebody who wanted to shut 'is face.
1000
00:49:18,705 --> 00:49:22,143
But Dick knows nothing
about everything.
1001
00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:25,003
Do you know, we have
a wee saying in Scotland...
1002
00:49:25,545 --> 00:49:26,940
Oh!
1003
00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:31,819
"Oh weemon drocketen
drenkit and up wayhay"
1004
00:49:31,843 --> 00:49:33,971
"and tek it all doon in the nuts."
1005
00:49:35,513 --> 00:49:39,411
One can only imagine
what that means.
1006
00:49:39,435 --> 00:49:42,914
Sometimes the things we don't
know are the unknown knowns-
1007
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:46,274
- that we don't know we think
we know but others think we do.
1008
00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:51,839
Well, that's easy for
you to say, Inspector.
1009
00:49:51,863 --> 00:49:54,926
But it is idle to speculate since
Dick can no longer speak.
1010
00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:58,888
I have an Indian gentleman who
specialises in recovering memories,
1011
00:49:58,912 --> 00:50:02,683
- by the name of Deepak
Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley.
1012
00:50:02,707 --> 00:50:04,436
Perhaps wee Dickie may remember-
1013
00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,562
- something when he
comes out of his coma.
1014
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:08,273
But when will he wake up?
1015
00:50:08,297 --> 00:50:10,775
Who knows?
A few weeks,
1016
00:50:10,799 --> 00:50:14,362
- a few months,
a few years perchance.
1017
00:50:14,386 --> 00:50:16,572
Years?
Whatever shall we do?
1018
00:50:16,596 --> 00:50:19,258
We must all go to Italy at once.
1019
00:50:22,727 --> 00:50:24,414
♪ To Italy, to Italy ♪
1020
00:50:24,438 --> 00:50:26,498
♪ Oh, yes, let's go to Italy ♪
1021
00:50:26,522 --> 00:50:30,044
♪ Where painters paint so ♪
♪ Prettily on ceilings there ♪
1022
00:50:30,068 --> 00:50:32,046
♪ Where everyone
♪ Talks wittily ♪
1023
00:50:32,070 --> 00:50:34,048
♪ And no one argues bitterly ♪
1024
00:50:34,072 --> 00:50:37,469
♪ And we'll be free to really ♪
♪ Have some feelings there ♪
1025
00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:39,511
♪ Let's leave this ♪
♪ Soggy English rain ♪
1026
00:50:39,535 --> 00:50:41,722
♪ And go to Italy by train ♪
1027
00:50:41,746 --> 00:50:45,226
♪ To visit Florence, Venice ♪
♪ And then Rome again ♪
1028
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:47,061
♪ We'll wine and dine ♪
♪ Till we are sick ♪
1029
00:50:47,085 --> 00:50:48,855
♪ And we won't have to ♪
think of Dick ♪
1030
00:50:48,879 --> 00:50:51,899
♪ At least until we ♪
♪ Finally come home again ♪
1031
00:50:51,923 --> 00:50:55,403
♪ Italia ♪
1032
00:50:55,427 --> 00:50:58,763
♪ La-la, la-la, ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪
1033
00:51:00,765 --> 00:51:03,077
♪ Italia ♪
1034
00:51:03,101 --> 00:51:07,780
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪
1035
00:51:09,191 --> 00:51:11,836
♪ Though I cannot ♪
♪ Stand Italians ♪
1036
00:51:11,860 --> 00:51:13,545
♪ They wear big ♪
♪ Gold medallions ♪
1037
00:51:13,569 --> 00:51:15,673
♪ And act like ♪
♪ Bloody stallions ♪
1038
00:51:15,697 --> 00:51:16,883
♪ All the waiters there ♪
1039
00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,719
♪ Tagliatelle, vermicelli ♪
1040
00:51:19,743 --> 00:51:21,346
♪ It all gets on my nelly ♪
1041
00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:22,763
♪ And as far as I'm concerned ♪
1042
00:51:22,787 --> 00:51:24,891
♪ They're pastabaters there ♪
1043
00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:27,477
♪ Italia ♪
1044
00:51:27,501 --> 00:51:32,304
♪ La-la, la-la, ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪
1045
00:51:33,173 --> 00:51:36,444
♪ Italia ♪
1046
00:51:36,468 --> 00:51:41,289
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪
ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪
1047
00:51:42,740 --> 00:51:44,302
♪ Italian men are gorgeous ♪
1048
00:51:44,326 --> 00:51:46,596
♪ If you don't ♪
♪ Include the Borgias ♪
1049
00:51:46,620 --> 00:51:49,474
♪ For they make me slightly ♪
♪ Nauseous when I read of them ♪
1050
00:51:49,598 --> 00:51:51,325
♪ Romeos and Cinderellas ♪
1051
00:51:51,349 --> 00:51:53,411
♪ Say bon giorno and ciao bellas ♪
1052
00:51:53,435 --> 00:51:56,956
♪ And they have umbrellas ♪
♪ Should I feel the need of them ♪
1053
00:51:56,980 --> 00:52:00,042
♪ Italia ♪
1054
00:52:00,066 --> 00:52:04,519
♪ La-la, la-la, ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪
1055
00:52:05,656 --> 00:52:08,635
♪ Italia ♪
1056
00:52:08,659 --> 00:52:12,903
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪
1057
00:52:15,165 --> 00:52:16,559
♪ Rome was not built in a day ♪
1058
00:52:16,583 --> 00:52:18,352
♪ Though actually ♪
♪ It looks that way ♪
1059
00:52:18,376 --> 00:52:19,687
♪ The Roman Empire ♪
♪ Was of course ♪
1060
00:52:19,711 --> 00:52:22,022
♪ The power there ♪
1061
00:52:22,046 --> 00:52:25,817
♪ There's a geezer came from ♪
♪ Pisa, by the name of Julius Caesar ♪
1062
00:52:25,841 --> 00:52:28,946
♪ He was a little bent but ♪
♪ Then so is the tower there ♪
1063
00:52:28,970 --> 00:52:32,241
♪ Italia ♪
1064
00:52:32,265 --> 00:52:37,997
♪ La-la, la-la, ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪
1065
00:52:38,021 --> 00:52:40,541
♪ Italia ♪
1066
00:52:40,565 --> 00:52:46,673
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪
1067
00:52:46,697 --> 00:52:49,342
♪ Italia ♪
1068
00:52:49,366 --> 00:52:53,620
♪ La-la, la-la, ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, laaa ♪
1069
00:52:55,246 --> 00:52:57,558
♪ Italia ♪
1070
00:52:57,582 --> 00:53:03,696
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ♪
♪ Ya-ya, ya-ya, ya-ya, yaaa ♪
1071
00:53:13,765 --> 00:53:15,867
I was on the move again.
1072
00:53:15,891 --> 00:53:20,790
This time to Italy, where English
people go to have emotions.
1073
00:53:20,814 --> 00:53:23,125
Consequently,
Emma remained behind.
1074
00:53:23,149 --> 00:53:26,386
Meanwhile, the party
arrived in Florence.
1075
00:53:29,865 --> 00:53:33,177
The traveling party
arrived in Florence.
1076
00:53:33,201 --> 00:53:34,303
Sorry.
1077
00:53:34,571 --> 00:53:36,424
What joy to be in Italy,
1078
00:53:36,448 --> 00:53:40,377
- with these friendly men and
their encouragingly lax morals.
1079
00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:44,656
Aunt Maggie. Why is that statue
not wearing any underpants?
1080
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:46,073
Because it's so terribly hot, dear.
1081
00:53:46,097 --> 00:53:48,326
Ah, and what is that little thing...
1082
00:53:48,350 --> 00:53:51,287
Well, it's an umbrella symbol.
1083
00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:53,122
- Oh...
- Oh, here we are...
1084
00:53:53,146 --> 00:53:56,250
The Pensione Berlusconi.
1085
00:53:56,274 --> 00:53:58,836
Bon giorno, Signore.
1086
00:53:58,860 --> 00:54:03,466
Bunga bunga,
Signor Pederasti Inglesi.
1087
00:54:04,949 --> 00:54:08,471
Oh, Signor Berlusconi,
how nice to see you.
1088
00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:10,931
Ah, Signora Decrepit Inglesi.
1089
00:54:10,955 --> 00:54:16,437
I have reserved for you and
your niece a room with a no view.
1090
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:20,316
Thank you so much, dear Fascisti.
1091
00:54:20,340 --> 00:54:23,069
Helena is allergic to views.
1092
00:54:23,093 --> 00:54:25,821
Particularly right-wing views.
1093
00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:28,449
Well, welcome to our Pensione,
1094
00:54:28,473 --> 00:54:32,953
- where emotionally repressed English
people can learn to enjoy themselves.
1095
00:54:32,977 --> 00:54:36,999
How to chew on the pizza,
how to nibble on the pasta-
1096
00:54:37,023 --> 00:54:39,377
- how to swallow salami.
1097
00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,461
Yes...
1098
00:54:40,485 --> 00:54:42,922
Yes, I think that's quite enough-
1099
00:54:42,946 --> 00:54:45,550
- single entendres for now, signor.
1100
00:54:45,574 --> 00:54:50,888
Come on, Helena, lets freshen
up while they unload our baggage.
1101
00:54:52,289 --> 00:54:54,141
Blimey, look at that statue, Ken.
1102
00:54:54,165 --> 00:54:55,767
That bloke's not
wearing any underpants.
1103
00:54:55,791 --> 00:54:57,437
That's Michelangelo's David.
1104
00:54:57,461 --> 00:55:00,523
Michelangelo's Dick, more like.
1105
00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:02,650
Scusi, signore.
1106
00:55:02,674 --> 00:55:04,736
Your deliveries round the back.
1107
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:07,655
Oh, charming. You bloody Italians
should be ashamed of yourselves,
1108
00:55:07,679 --> 00:55:09,323
- all these naked statues.
1109
00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:11,743
Have you Eyeties
never heard of underpants?
1110
00:55:11,767 --> 00:55:15,687
Brutti Inglesi bastardi vanagloriosi!
1111
00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:49,196
What's he say?
1112
00:55:49,220 --> 00:55:51,031
He says, "You condescending,
English bastards."
1113
00:55:51,055 --> 00:55:54,160
"I invite you to pull your
foreskin over your heads,"-
1114
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,309
- "and give yourselves an
enema with a wine bottle."
1115
00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:59,791
"May you sleep in sheep
shit and your sphincter"-
1116
00:55:59,815 --> 00:56:02,942
- "become a highway for
Australian rugby players."
1117
00:56:06,279 --> 00:56:08,840
Blimey.
I never knew you spoke Italian.
1118
00:56:08,864 --> 00:56:10,450
I learned it on the train.
1119
00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:13,387
What is it you two idiots want?
1120
00:56:13,411 --> 00:56:15,014
Eh, don't you get lippy with us, mate.
1121
00:56:15,038 --> 00:56:16,307
Who do you think you are?
1122
00:56:16,331 --> 00:56:18,559
You arrogant, English pigs.
1123
00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:22,522
You come from a miserable
island where it rains every day,
1124
00:56:22,546 --> 00:56:24,898
- where the men are all pederasts-
1125
00:56:24,922 --> 00:56:27,859
- and all the women are
frozen from the waist down.
1126
00:56:27,883 --> 00:56:31,531
You have no cheese,
you have no wine,
1127
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:33,783
- no olive oil, no garlic,
you cannot play football-
1128
00:56:33,807 --> 00:56:36,100
- and your music is all poo.
1129
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:39,831
Oh, yeah. Yeah, well
that's where you're wrong,
1130
00:56:39,855 --> 00:56:42,333
- Mister ice-cream selling,
bloody fascist wop,
1131
00:56:42,357 --> 00:56:45,503
- 'cause we have brought a
piano for Miss Helena to play.
1132
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,588
What? The bella signorina,
with the lovely squishy...
1133
00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,256
Yeah, that's the one.
1134
00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:52,635
Oh. Mia apologia.
1135
00:56:52,659 --> 00:56:55,763
I invite you to stay there for dinner-
1136
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,723
- and anal sex.
1137
00:57:08,425 --> 00:57:10,785
Ken?
1138
00:57:14,222 --> 00:57:16,600
- Dinner would be nice.
- Yeah.
1139
00:57:18,894 --> 00:57:23,580
Oh, I am so very happy,
at last I have my own PNO.
1140
00:57:27,736 --> 00:57:33,133
♪ One day some lovely fella's ♪
♪ Going to show me his umbrella ♪
1141
00:57:33,157 --> 00:57:38,389
♪ But until that day ♪
♪ I'll play upon my P N O ♪
1142
00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:41,100
♪ If he's jealous of the fellas ♪
1143
00:57:41,124 --> 00:57:43,519
♪ Who have shown ♪
♪ Me their umbrellas ♪
1144
00:57:43,543 --> 00:57:48,566
♪ He'll be happy when I
let him touch my P N O ♪
1145
00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:50,818
♪ My P N O ♪
1146
00:57:50,842 --> 00:57:52,945
♪ My P N O ♪
1147
00:57:52,969 --> 00:57:55,072
♪ It's such a lovely instrument ♪
1148
00:57:55,096 --> 00:57:57,450
♪ I really love it so ♪
1149
00:57:57,474 --> 00:57:59,786
♪ My P N O ♪
1150
00:57:59,810 --> 00:58:02,079
♪ My P N O ♪
1151
00:58:02,103 --> 00:58:06,733
♪ Who wouldn't like ♪
♪ To play upon my P N O ♪
1152
00:58:08,109 --> 00:58:13,246
♪ From Florence down to Napoli ♪
♪ The men behave unhappily ♪
1153
00:58:13,323 --> 00:58:18,095
♪ If they can't get a glimpse ♪
♪ Of my sweet P N O ♪
1154
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:20,807
♪ The Frenchmen and the Dutchmen ♪
1155
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:23,100
♪ Always shout and yell ♪
♪ How much then? ♪
1156
00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:28,147
♪ But I won't let them touch ♪
♪ When I've my P N O ♪
1157
00:58:28,171 --> 00:58:30,858
♪ My P N O ♪
1158
00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:33,277
♪ My P N O ♪
1159
00:58:33,301 --> 00:58:37,239
♪ Tickling the ivories ♪
♪ I really love it so ♪
1160
00:58:37,263 --> 00:58:39,992
♪ My P N O ♪
1161
00:58:40,016 --> 00:58:42,244
♪ I so adore ♪
1162
00:58:42,268 --> 00:58:47,315
♪ I'll play with it all night ♪
♪ And day until I get too sore ♪
1163
00:58:48,107 --> 00:58:49,460
Thank you.
1164
00:58:55,365 --> 00:58:57,677
♪ Her P N O ♪
1165
00:58:57,701 --> 00:59:00,053
♪ Her P N O ♪
1166
00:59:00,077 --> 00:59:05,100
♪ Who wouldn't like a go ♪
♪ Upon her P N O ♪
1167
00:59:05,124 --> 00:59:08,980
♪ The British upper classes ♪
♪ Can all shove it up their arses ♪
1168
00:59:09,004 --> 00:59:13,808
♪ For the poor and struggling ♪
♪ Masses have no P N O ♪
1169
00:59:16,386 --> 00:59:18,823
What a lucky, lucky old piano.
1170
00:59:18,847 --> 00:59:21,325
Leonard Bastard! What on
earth are you doing in Italy?
1171
00:59:21,349 --> 00:59:23,309
- I walked.
- But that's...
1172
00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:25,997
That's almost 900 miles.
1173
00:59:26,021 --> 00:59:27,874
Nine hundred and three actually.
1174
00:59:27,898 --> 00:59:29,041
Is your wife here?
1175
00:59:29,065 --> 00:59:30,543
No, she couldn't get away.
1176
00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:32,085
You tied her up?
1177
00:59:32,109 --> 00:59:34,380
No, she's helping McGuffin
with his Dick problem.
1178
00:59:34,404 --> 00:59:35,882
How?
1179
00:59:35,906 --> 00:59:38,050
Well, she's a
professional Ass Reader,
1180
00:59:38,074 --> 00:59:40,469
- and she has some information
that may be helpful to the police.
1181
00:59:40,493 --> 00:59:42,763
Oh, gosh. Really?
1182
00:59:42,787 --> 00:59:45,182
I have judged her too
harshly as a worthless slut-
1183
00:59:45,206 --> 00:59:46,642
- who trapped you into
an unhappy marriage.
1184
00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:48,477
No, no.
She is a worthless slut-
1185
00:59:48,501 --> 00:59:49,896
- who trapped me into
an unhappy marriage,
1186
00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:52,589
- but she is a very fine Ass Reader.
1187
00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:56,819
Leonard, I have been
less than generous with you.
1188
00:59:56,843 --> 00:59:58,029
I want you to play with me.
1189
00:59:58,053 --> 00:59:59,830
- What?
- On the piano.
1190
00:59:59,854 --> 01:00:01,423
- When?
- Right now!
1191
01:00:01,447 --> 01:00:02,716
Let's go.
1192
01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,082
Oh, good grief.
1193
01:00:10,106 --> 01:00:12,125
Close your eyes,
Mr Whoopsie, you are a clergyman.
1194
01:00:12,149 --> 01:00:13,502
What is going on?
1195
01:00:13,526 --> 01:00:15,462
Helena is playing
a piano in public,
1196
01:00:15,486 --> 01:00:17,715
- with a married man
of the working classes!
1197
01:00:17,739 --> 01:00:19,926
How shameful!
1198
01:00:19,950 --> 01:00:22,535
Unprotected Beethoven.
1199
01:00:24,203 --> 01:00:25,806
Whatever are we to do?
1200
01:00:25,830 --> 01:00:28,768
Russell brothers.
Pick up the piano.
1201
01:00:28,792 --> 01:00:31,771
We must all go home at once.
1202
01:00:32,671 --> 01:00:34,523
Who is it?
1203
01:00:34,547 --> 01:00:37,341
Open the... Open the door,
open the door, Emma.
1204
01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:40,404
I must see you at once.
1205
01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:41,530
Hang on a minute.
1206
01:01:05,912 --> 01:01:07,098
Why, Mr Hudson.
1207
01:01:07,122 --> 01:01:08,724
Thank God, you're here.
1208
01:01:08,748 --> 01:01:10,643
Mister Hudson, you are
in a state of some emotion.
1209
01:01:10,667 --> 01:01:12,227
I'm sorry,
these are new trousers.
1210
01:01:12,251 --> 01:01:14,605
Just breaking them in for a friend.
1211
01:01:14,629 --> 01:01:16,649
What are you doing alone in
a house with a young woman-
1212
01:01:16,673 --> 01:01:19,110
- whose aunt and sister have
not yet returned from Italy-
1213
01:01:19,134 --> 01:01:20,987
- with no one around to notice-
1214
01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:22,696
- if we were to accidentally
slip upstairs with a hairbrush?
1215
01:01:22,720 --> 01:01:24,740
No, I have something
terribly serious to tell you.
1216
01:01:24,764 --> 01:01:27,034
My wife is dead.
1217
01:01:27,058 --> 01:01:28,452
- For real?
- Yeah.
1218
01:01:28,476 --> 01:01:29,703
How did she die?
1219
01:01:29,727 --> 01:01:32,629
An unfortunate
brush with rat poison.
1220
01:01:33,857 --> 01:01:36,051
She apparently mistook it for sugar.
1221
01:01:36,075 --> 01:01:37,670
- It's easily done.
- I blame myself.
1222
01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,880
Oh, it could happen to
anyone's unwanted wife.
1223
01:01:39,904 --> 01:01:42,675
I wasn't there, you see.
I was in Manchester, it was a rubber thing.
1224
01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,135
A perfectly reasonable alibi.
1225
01:01:44,159 --> 01:01:46,261
Yes, the police suspect foul play.
1226
01:01:46,285 --> 01:01:48,097
They think the same man
what done it for Dick-
1227
01:01:48,121 --> 01:01:50,141
- is gone and...
What done it for her.
1228
01:01:50,165 --> 01:01:52,876
I'm sorry, I seem to have
lost control of my tongue.
1229
01:01:54,627 --> 01:01:56,480
- Am I making you nervous?
-Standing in the doorway in a nightie-
1230
01:01:56,504 --> 01:01:59,716
- with the light behind you...
Nervous isn't quite the word.
1231
01:02:01,425 --> 01:02:02,987
- I know what you'd like.
- Really?
1232
01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,921
A nice cup of tea.
1233
01:02:09,726 --> 01:02:12,528
Uh, close.
1234
01:02:14,772 --> 01:02:17,084
Oh, I love the way he stares
at me when we're making tea.
1235
01:02:17,108 --> 01:02:18,418
I know exactly what he's thinking.
1236
01:02:18,442 --> 01:02:20,253
I know exactly what I'm thinking.
1237
01:02:20,277 --> 01:02:21,547
He can read me like a book.
I can read her like a book.
1238
01:02:21,571 --> 01:02:23,007
The Big Boys Book Of Fairies.
1239
01:02:23,031 --> 01:02:26,517
- 107 Nasty Positions To Do It.
- He seems to know exactly what I'd like.
1240
01:02:26,550 --> 01:02:27,970
I know exactly what she'd like.
1241
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:30,821
- I'd like to play tiddley winks.
- She wants to be shagged senseless.
1242
01:02:30,872 --> 01:02:32,474
Then supper at The Ritz
and afterwards dancing...
1243
01:02:32,498 --> 01:02:34,727
And then up to the bathroom
for a good scrubbing.
1244
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,311
- What?
- With a stiff loofah,
1245
01:02:36,335 --> 01:02:38,313
- rubbing and scrubbing
in a soapy tub of water-
1246
01:02:38,337 --> 01:02:40,816
- till she blushes naked all
over with that pale delicate skin.
1247
01:02:40,840 --> 01:02:41,760
Good heavens.
1248
01:02:41,784 --> 01:02:44,619
- I want to kiss your warm soapy buttocks,
- Oh. - probing deeper and deeper...
1249
01:02:44,620 --> 01:02:45,847
- Oh.
- Stroking and spanking-
1250
01:02:45,871 --> 01:02:47,599
- and kneading and plunging and thrusting...
- Ah.
1251
01:02:47,623 --> 01:02:51,559
Turning you over and then plunging
- and thrusting you like a-
1252
01:02:51,627 --> 01:02:54,272
- giant glob of internal
combustion engine-
1253
01:02:54,296 --> 01:02:59,438
- buzzing helplessly like a bee in a bottle
and screaming like a monkey on speed.
1254
01:03:01,027 --> 01:03:03,255
- Emma, dear, we're back from Italy.
- Ah...
1255
01:03:03,279 --> 01:03:05,657
- Emma, Emma, good grief.
- What's happening?
1256
01:03:05,681 --> 01:03:07,476
- Ahhh...
- Is she all right?
1257
01:03:07,500 --> 01:03:09,136
Ooh, I'd say so.
1258
01:03:09,260 --> 01:03:10,162
Ah...
1259
01:03:10,186 --> 01:03:11,989
What is happening to her?
1260
01:03:12,013 --> 01:03:14,431
Emma is having an emotion.
1261
01:03:18,235 --> 01:03:20,547
Italy had worked its gay magic,
1262
01:03:20,571 --> 01:03:23,717
- and the English were now
all caring and sensitive.
1263
01:03:23,741 --> 01:03:25,894
Dick was on everyone's lips.
1264
01:03:29,122 --> 01:03:30,933
We shall skip World War One,
1265
01:03:30,957 --> 01:03:33,060
- which was mainly about a horse,
1266
01:03:33,084 --> 01:03:35,170
- and move on to August...
1267
01:03:38,006 --> 01:03:42,194
- 1929, when Aunt
Maggie went to visit Dick.
1268
01:03:42,218 --> 01:03:45,405
But when she arrived at The
Royal Hospital for the Extremely Mad,
1269
01:03:45,429 --> 01:03:48,117
- she was in for a surprise.
1270
01:03:48,141 --> 01:03:50,786
You have a visitor, Dick.
Is there any change in his condition?
1271
01:03:50,810 --> 01:03:52,997
Alas, Madam, there is none.
1272
01:03:53,021 --> 01:03:56,416
Allow me to present Deepak
Rushdie Obi Ben Kingsley,
1273
01:03:56,440 --> 01:03:58,460
- Visiting Professor of Psychobabble-
1274
01:03:58,484 --> 01:04:00,546
- at the University of Virginia Woolf.
1275
01:04:00,570 --> 01:04:03,549
Oh, I have read about him
in the, uh, Rubber Ware News.
1276
01:04:03,573 --> 01:04:06,927
It seems you are the inventor
of the American Happy Boy.
1277
01:04:06,951 --> 01:04:08,721
That is I myself, good Lady.
1278
01:04:08,745 --> 01:04:11,390
Ooh, it has relieved
many of my emotions.
1279
01:04:11,414 --> 01:04:14,193
Well, I'm proud to have
had a hand in that.
1280
01:04:14,417 --> 01:04:18,105
We are going to seek the assistance
of a professional arse reader.
1281
01:04:18,129 --> 01:04:20,399
But first, we have a wee surprise.
1282
01:04:20,423 --> 01:04:22,526
Mr Russell, bring in the piano.
1283
01:04:22,550 --> 01:04:24,236
In 'ere, Guv?
1284
01:04:24,260 --> 01:04:26,780
Good heavens, it is the
piano from Shagistan.
1285
01:04:26,804 --> 01:04:30,808
This piano has been close to the
scene of all these violent attacks.
1286
01:04:31,601 --> 01:04:33,037
You suspect the piano?
1287
01:04:33,061 --> 01:04:34,914
Of course, I don't fucking
suspect the pianey,
1288
01:04:34,938 --> 01:04:37,791
- ye weird Indian
psychobabbly chapatimuncher.
1289
01:04:37,815 --> 01:04:39,877
I thought it might help to jog his memory.
1290
01:04:39,901 --> 01:04:42,213
If only this piano could talk, Inspector.
1291
01:04:42,237 --> 01:04:44,882
Pianeys don't fucking talk,
yer silly touchy-
1292
01:04:44,906 --> 01:04:48,385
- willy wackedout son
of a bloody-minded ejit.
1293
01:04:48,409 --> 01:04:52,472
That's pure gobbledy shittey
crappy slappy touchy feely bollocks.
1294
01:04:52,496 --> 01:04:55,142
But since Dick found it at the beach,
1295
01:04:55,166 --> 01:04:57,352
- I thought it might help him
to remember a happier time.
1296
01:04:57,376 --> 01:04:59,271
This where you wanted the piano, guv?
1297
01:04:59,295 --> 01:05:01,065
Just drop it right here.
1298
01:05:01,089 --> 01:05:04,235
Thank you.
The piano is at the heart of the mystery.
1299
01:05:04,259 --> 01:05:06,862
- Will that be all, sir?
- Good heavens, is that you, Sergeant?
1300
01:05:06,886 --> 01:05:08,321
Do I know you, sir?
1301
01:05:08,345 --> 01:05:11,117
Sergeant Ken Russell
of the 13th Foot and Mouth.
1302
01:05:11,141 --> 01:05:14,703
You do not remember me?
I am Deepak from Shagistan?
1303
01:05:14,727 --> 01:05:18,290
Alas, sir, he can remember
nothing since the massacre.
1304
01:05:18,314 --> 01:05:21,293
Lord Darling told him something
important but he's forgotten it.
1305
01:05:21,317 --> 01:05:23,963
Do not worry, Inspector,
I'll put him in a trance.
1306
01:05:23,987 --> 01:05:26,257
Now, Ken, listen to me,
you are going to relax,
1307
01:05:26,281 --> 01:05:28,842
- you are going into a deep sleep.
1308
01:05:28,866 --> 01:05:30,385
Not you, Inspector.
1309
01:05:30,409 --> 01:05:31,762
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
1310
01:05:31,786 --> 01:05:33,889
Just relax Ken, Kenneth...
1311
01:05:33,913 --> 01:05:39,585
Now, five, four, three,
two, one, you're gone.
1312
01:05:40,170 --> 01:05:41,438
Where am I?
1313
01:05:41,462 --> 01:05:43,715
You're in Shagistan, Sergeant.
1314
01:05:44,090 --> 01:05:45,276
Oh, yeah.
Bloody hot, innit?
1315
01:05:45,300 --> 01:05:46,944
It's very hot, Ken.
1316
01:05:46,968 --> 01:05:48,112
And all these bloody flies.
1317
01:05:48,136 --> 01:05:49,863
All these bloody flies.
1318
01:05:49,887 --> 01:05:51,740
Now, you are with Lord Darling
and he's talking to you.
1319
01:05:51,764 --> 01:05:53,533
What is Lord Darling saying?
1320
01:05:53,557 --> 01:05:57,037
He is telling me a very disturbing tale, sir.
He's saying...
1321
01:05:57,061 --> 01:06:01,274
"There are some things I am
not proud of in my life, Sergeant."
1322
01:06:04,194 --> 01:06:08,215
"There was a young governess
I met at a Coming Out Ball."
1323
01:06:08,239 --> 01:06:12,011
"Her name was Margaret",
1324
01:06:12,035 --> 01:06:15,764
"- she was beautiful and
I couldn't help myself."
1325
01:06:15,788 --> 01:06:20,978
"I plied her with gin,
and I took advantage of her."
1326
01:06:21,002 --> 01:06:24,731
"Too late I learned
that nine months later..."
1327
01:06:24,755 --> 01:06:27,943
"She had a child",
1328
01:06:27,967 --> 01:06:31,071
"- but by then,
my regiment had shipped out."
1329
01:06:31,095 --> 01:06:34,533
"I still don't know
the name of that child."
1330
01:06:34,557 --> 01:06:36,694
The child's name was Dick.
1331
01:06:36,718 --> 01:06:38,495
How could you know that?
1332
01:06:38,519 --> 01:06:42,499
Because I was that governess.
Margaret was me.
1333
01:06:42,523 --> 01:06:44,417
This is my Dick.
1334
01:06:44,441 --> 01:06:45,961
He's your son?
1335
01:06:45,985 --> 01:06:48,172
Yes, Inspector.
1336
01:06:48,196 --> 01:06:50,216
Oh, Mummy.
I'm coming out of my coma.
1337
01:06:50,240 --> 01:06:52,676
There, there, Dick.
Mummy's here.
1338
01:06:52,700 --> 01:06:56,680
Mummy, can I have a little
suck on your breasts, please?
1339
01:06:56,704 --> 01:06:59,599
Well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt.
1340
01:06:59,623 --> 01:07:02,144
See if I can still lactate.
Ooh, yes, I can.
1341
01:07:02,168 --> 01:07:05,147
Ooh, yes, it's happening.
Ooh, Russell...
1342
01:07:05,171 --> 01:07:09,193
Sergeant, control...
Control your images.
1343
01:07:09,217 --> 01:07:12,946
Sergeant, for fuck's sake,
control the images in your head.
1344
01:07:12,970 --> 01:07:14,698
Very difficult, sir,
very difficult, sir.
1345
01:07:14,722 --> 01:07:17,168
What else is Lord Darling
saying to you, Sergeant?
1346
01:07:17,192 --> 01:07:19,786
It's all coming back now, sir.
1347
01:07:23,598 --> 01:07:25,993
It's a little bit misty, but
it's coming back. He says...
1348
01:07:26,017 --> 01:07:31,164
"Take this piano to my
son Dick, at Darling Hall."
1349
01:07:31,388 --> 01:07:34,701
Very well.
And so you have done.
1350
01:07:34,725 --> 01:07:36,287
Your task is complete, Sergeant.
1351
01:07:36,311 --> 01:07:38,831
Dick has the piano
and he has a mummy.
1352
01:07:38,855 --> 01:07:41,333
But we still don't know
who attacked him, and why.
1353
01:07:41,357 --> 01:07:45,045
That's true, Inspector.
It's time for the Ass Reader, I think.
1354
01:07:46,112 --> 01:07:47,589
Who is it?
1355
01:07:47,613 --> 01:07:50,342
Oh, it's you.
Come on in, yeah.
1356
01:07:50,366 --> 01:07:52,219
Come to have your
botty read again have you?
1357
01:07:52,243 --> 01:07:53,846
You're a right naughty boy, ain't ya?
1358
01:07:53,870 --> 01:07:56,056
I saw it in your bum the other day.
1359
01:07:56,080 --> 01:07:59,977
I said to myself, I said, there's
violence in that bottom, Enid, my love?
1360
01:08:00,001 --> 01:08:04,106
Those cheeks have seen more
than their fair share of sorrow.
1361
01:08:04,130 --> 01:08:06,525
A deep dark secret is
hidden in that derriere.
1362
01:08:06,549 --> 01:08:09,111
But I 'aven't told no
one, guv, so help me-
1363
01:08:09,135 --> 01:08:11,530
- and I wouldn't tell
Inspector McGuffin nuffin.
1364
01:08:11,554 --> 01:08:15,284
As long as you brought me that
little bit of money you promised me.
1365
01:08:15,308 --> 01:08:19,746
'Ere, 'ere, what's that?
No, no, please don't.
1366
01:08:19,770 --> 01:08:25,076
Stop!
Aahhh!
1367
01:08:26,944 --> 01:08:30,007
'Oundsditch
Mutilator strikes again!
1368
01:08:30,031 --> 01:08:32,742
Ass Reader Assassinated!
1369
01:08:34,493 --> 01:08:35,929
Damn it, Deepak, we're too late.
1370
01:08:35,953 --> 01:08:38,015
Police working on the theory-
1371
01:08:38,039 --> 01:08:39,766
- that they have no
idea what's going on!
1372
01:08:39,790 --> 01:08:41,685
Watch it you.
1373
01:08:41,709 --> 01:08:42,895
This is most unfortunate.
1374
01:08:42,919 --> 01:08:44,230
I had high hopes that she might see-
1375
01:08:44,254 --> 01:08:46,023
- something useful in Dick's behind.
1376
01:08:46,047 --> 01:08:48,632
Who assassinates an
arse reader and why?
1377
01:08:50,218 --> 01:08:53,171
Uh... Maybe the King of
Sweden for shits and giggles.
1378
01:08:55,014 --> 01:08:56,491
What!
1379
01:09:02,272 --> 01:09:06,001
No, she knew something.
She knew the identity of the Mutilator.
1380
01:09:06,025 --> 01:09:07,378
Well, how could that be so?
1381
01:09:07,402 --> 01:09:09,088
She opened the door in her pyjamas.
1382
01:09:09,112 --> 01:09:11,090
She had a door in her pyjamas?
1383
01:09:11,114 --> 01:09:14,385
This had to be...
1384
01:09:14,409 --> 01:09:17,096
This had to be somebody
she knows well.
1385
01:09:17,120 --> 01:09:18,931
And her husband has disappeared.
1386
01:09:18,955 --> 01:09:22,292
We must find Leonard
Bastard immediately.
1387
01:09:23,901 --> 01:09:25,212
Who is it?
1388
01:09:25,236 --> 01:09:27,506
Open the door, Emma.
I must see you at once.
1389
01:09:27,530 --> 01:09:28,990
Hang on a minute.
1390
01:09:40,210 --> 01:09:42,920
Emma, is there a window I could just...
1391
01:09:44,047 --> 01:09:46,942
Why, Mr Hudson.
I'm here all alone.
1392
01:09:46,966 --> 01:09:48,735
I have something,
I have something to tell you.
1393
01:09:48,759 --> 01:09:49,945
I have a hairbrush upstairs...
1394
01:09:49,969 --> 01:09:51,613
Something terrible has happened.
1395
01:09:51,637 --> 01:09:52,823
Leonard Bastard's
wife has been murdered?
1396
01:09:52,847 --> 01:09:54,241
No, worse than that.
1397
01:09:54,265 --> 01:09:55,202
What could possibly
be worse than that?
1398
01:09:55,226 --> 01:09:58,036
- I am bankrupt.
- Oh, dear.
1399
01:09:58,086 --> 01:10:00,097
This afternoon the Hudson
Rubber Company just collapsed.
1400
01:10:00,121 --> 01:10:01,307
Into the Thames?
1401
01:10:01,331 --> 01:10:02,883
Financially, you see.
1402
01:10:02,907 --> 01:10:05,094
Someone in the accounts
department was speculating huge sums-
1403
01:10:05,118 --> 01:10:08,180
- against the future price of rubber,
and now I am utterly ruined.
1404
01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:09,849
Oh, crikey.
1405
01:10:09,873 --> 01:10:10,933
The name of the young man
who made these speculations-
1406
01:10:10,957 --> 01:10:12,351
- was Leonard Bastard.
1407
01:10:12,375 --> 01:10:13,811
The very man you
begged me to employ.
1408
01:10:13,835 --> 01:10:15,712
Oh.
Oops.
1409
01:10:17,588 --> 01:10:20,708
Well, "oops" doesn't quite
hack it actually, Emma.
1410
01:10:21,258 --> 01:10:24,237
So, because of this,
I have decided to-
1411
01:10:24,261 --> 01:10:26,949
- accept the job of a
butler in the West Country.
1412
01:10:26,973 --> 01:10:29,910
Ohh.
Well, have a good one.
1413
01:10:31,895 --> 01:10:34,498
Yes, ta very much.
1414
01:10:34,522 --> 01:10:37,751
No. Wait.
I am an Englishwoman of a certain age.
1415
01:10:37,775 --> 01:10:40,087
You are the only man who
ever gave me an emotion.
1416
01:10:40,111 --> 01:10:42,048
I am going to do something
utterly improper.
1417
01:10:42,072 --> 01:10:43,674
Oh, yes?
1418
01:10:43,698 --> 01:10:46,283
I am going to pack some
hankies and come with you.
1419
01:10:48,828 --> 01:10:54,643
Ah, Darling Hall, doesn't it
look great in the rain, Butler?
1420
01:10:54,667 --> 01:10:56,103
Ah, yes, my Lord.
1421
01:10:56,127 --> 01:10:57,646
Butler, what time is it?
1422
01:10:57,670 --> 01:10:59,773
1935, my Lord.
1423
01:10:59,797 --> 01:11:02,860
Who is that woman in
the tight black dress?
1424
01:11:02,884 --> 01:11:04,862
That is the housekeeper,
Miss Schlegel, sir.
1425
01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:06,697
Fine figure of a woman.
1426
01:11:06,721 --> 01:11:08,699
Yes, sir, she does her job very well.
1427
01:11:08,723 --> 01:11:12,795
This weekend,
I'm having a Nazi party.
1428
01:11:13,019 --> 01:11:17,875
The usual thing, you know, uniforms,
speeches, searchlights, discipline,
1429
01:11:17,899 --> 01:11:22,295
- boots, bondage, Wagner
and tight leather trousers.
1430
01:11:22,319 --> 01:11:23,881
Very good, my Lord.
1431
01:11:23,905 --> 01:11:28,052
This will be the first Nazi
party ever held in England,
1432
01:11:28,076 --> 01:11:30,679
- and here's the order of events.
1433
01:11:30,703 --> 01:11:35,350
There'll be Heil and Hello
getting-to-know-you cocktails,
1434
01:11:35,374 --> 01:11:39,271
- with a few introductory
remarks about the Third Reich,
1435
01:11:39,295 --> 01:11:41,822
- what happened to
the other two Reichs,
1436
01:11:43,758 --> 01:11:47,586
- and why this one will
last ever so much longer.
1437
01:11:48,345 --> 01:11:49,907
Very good, my Lord.
1438
01:11:50,031 --> 01:11:52,192
Mr Hudson, might I
have a word with you?
1439
01:11:52,216 --> 01:11:53,302
Yes, of course, Miss Emma.
1440
01:11:53,326 --> 01:11:56,512
- There is to be a Nazi party here?
- Just a very small one.
1441
01:11:56,546 --> 01:11:57,806
And why have you been avoiding me?
1442
01:11:57,830 --> 01:11:59,975
Because I am a butler
and you are a housekeeper,
1443
01:11:59,999 --> 01:12:02,019
- and in this country, any contact-
1444
01:12:02,043 --> 01:12:04,188
- is not only immoral
but it is also illegal,
1445
01:12:04,212 --> 01:12:06,973
- contrary to the Naughty
Behaviours Act with Servants 1932.
1446
01:12:06,997 --> 01:12:08,041
- But surely...
- No...
1447
01:12:08,065 --> 01:12:09,401
- Not even if...
- No...
1448
01:12:09,425 --> 01:12:10,610
- But suppose we were to...
- No...
1449
01:12:10,634 --> 01:12:12,104
- On our own time...
- Impossible.
1450
01:12:12,128 --> 01:12:13,188
- At weekends?
- No.
1451
01:12:13,212 --> 01:12:14,781
In the garage?
Out of the question. This is England.
1452
01:12:14,805 --> 01:12:16,950
We must have no more emotions.
1453
01:12:16,974 --> 01:12:19,276
But I have brought this hairbrush...
1454
01:12:22,162 --> 01:12:23,831
Shit.
1455
01:12:24,957 --> 01:12:26,768
Come here, woman.
1456
01:12:26,992 --> 01:12:31,949
Get on my springy thing...
go on.
1457
01:12:31,973 --> 01:12:34,118
What on earth is going on, Emma?
1458
01:12:34,342 --> 01:12:37,070
Aunt Maggie, Whoopsie,
Helena, and Dick!
1459
01:12:37,094 --> 01:12:39,072
What on earth are they doing, Mummy?
I'm scared.
1460
01:12:39,296 --> 01:12:41,358
Miss Emma was merely helping me-
1461
01:12:41,382 --> 01:12:43,392
- clean the floor with her posterior...
1462
01:12:43,967 --> 01:12:45,888
No, Henry, no more lies.
1463
01:12:45,912 --> 01:12:49,382
I am a fully grown woman and I am
entitled to an emotion now and again.
1464
01:12:49,406 --> 01:12:50,901
Good heavens, this isn't America.
1465
01:12:50,925 --> 01:12:53,028
What on earth is going on, Butler?
1466
01:12:53,052 --> 01:12:55,030
Who are all these people?
1467
01:12:55,054 --> 01:12:58,533
Lord Darling, this is your
long-lost brother, Dick.
1468
01:12:58,557 --> 01:13:02,012
Hello, bro.
Want to see my mouth organ?
1469
01:13:04,021 --> 01:13:06,541
Good heavens.
It's the Nazis.
1470
01:13:07,775 --> 01:13:09,669
Hello, Darling!
1471
01:13:09,693 --> 01:13:14,216
Countess Von Kunst,
welcome to Darling Hall.
1472
01:13:14,240 --> 01:13:16,509
It is important that
you English understand-
1473
01:13:16,533 --> 01:13:18,971
- that we Nazis are a Party.
1474
01:13:18,995 --> 01:13:21,865
It's a fun thing.
Meine uber Butler...
1475
01:13:21,889 --> 01:13:23,542
Yes, Countess.
1476
01:13:23,566 --> 01:13:26,753
- Do you have a piano?
- No, Countess. No piano at Darling Hall.
1477
01:13:26,777 --> 01:13:29,005
Then what is das?
1478
01:13:29,029 --> 01:13:33,218
Good heavens.
That... is a piano.
1479
01:13:33,242 --> 01:13:36,221
Good grief, it is "The Piano".
1480
01:13:36,245 --> 01:13:39,932
It is Lord Darling's,
a gift from his dead daddy.
1481
01:13:39,956 --> 01:13:41,751
Deepak, is that you?
1482
01:13:43,335 --> 01:13:46,105
Hello, Mr Hudson sahib.
Long time, no see.
1483
01:13:46,129 --> 01:13:50,026
What on earth are you doing here?
1484
01:13:50,050 --> 01:13:52,342
Well, I am just, I am just
talking to you at the moment.
1485
01:13:53,178 --> 01:13:55,657
Yes, I can see that, but why?
1486
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:57,743
Because they think it's funny, sir.
1487
01:13:59,810 --> 01:14:02,330
It is a bit confusing.
1488
01:14:02,354 --> 01:14:03,773
Yes, it is...
1489
01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:10,863
Well, I would like to play a
little song about the Führer.
1490
01:14:11,405 --> 01:14:13,132
But first...
1491
01:14:13,156 --> 01:14:16,852
...I shall warm up with the diva scale.
1492
01:14:18,328 --> 01:14:25,859
♪ Do, re, me, me, me, me, me, me! ♪
1493
01:14:29,005 --> 01:14:35,545
♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, me... ♪
1494
01:14:36,263 --> 01:14:38,909
Oh! Was its das?
What is wrong with this piano?
1495
01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:41,035
It is like England, it does not work.
1496
01:14:41,059 --> 01:14:43,271
There is something trapped inside it.
1497
01:14:49,693 --> 01:14:52,839
But what is a vibrator
doing inside a piano?
1498
01:14:52,863 --> 01:14:55,190
That's rather a long story.
1499
01:15:02,080 --> 01:15:03,516
Who are you?
1500
01:15:03,540 --> 01:15:05,017
A rather long story teller.
1501
01:15:05,041 --> 01:15:06,543
Ooh...
1502
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:10,064
This is Inspector McGuffin.
1503
01:15:10,088 --> 01:15:12,901
Not in fact so, madam.
I am a Private Dick.
1504
01:15:12,925 --> 01:15:14,527
My real name is Holmes.
1505
01:15:14,551 --> 01:15:17,029
Good heavens.
Sherlock Holmes!
1506
01:15:17,053 --> 01:15:19,324
No, Shylock Holmes.
His Jewish cousin.
1507
01:15:21,350 --> 01:15:25,079
Why is zere a dildo
schtuck in zis piano?
1508
01:15:25,103 --> 01:15:27,457
It was hidden there, madam,
by someone in this room.
1509
01:15:27,481 --> 01:15:29,250
What does it matter?
1510
01:15:29,274 --> 01:15:32,128
It matters because it reveals
the identity of a murderer.
1511
01:15:32,152 --> 01:15:34,631
Butler, I arrest you for the
murder of Henry Hudson.
1512
01:15:34,655 --> 01:15:37,801
But this is Henry Hudson, Inspector.
1513
01:15:37,825 --> 01:15:39,469
No, sir.
This man is called Hopkins,
1514
01:15:39,493 --> 01:15:41,012
- who killed the original Hudson,
1515
01:15:41,036 --> 01:15:43,014
- who gained control
of the rubber market.
1516
01:15:43,038 --> 01:15:45,517
He attacked little Dickie in the
woods and poisoned his wife-
1517
01:15:45,541 --> 01:15:47,393
- who saw him attacking
Dick from her window,
1518
01:15:47,417 --> 01:15:49,521
- and he bludgeoned
poor Enid to death-
1519
01:15:49,545 --> 01:15:51,982
- when she threatened to reveal
what she read in his backside,
1520
01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:54,374
- that he is the Houndsditch Mutilator.
1521
01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:58,697
Butler, I arrest you for the
murder of Henry Hudson.
1522
01:15:58,721 --> 01:16:00,156
Oh, Henry, they will hang you.
1523
01:16:00,180 --> 01:16:02,308
I'm already hung, Emma.
1524
01:16:04,601 --> 01:16:07,246
I know that.
I am bearing your child.
1525
01:16:07,270 --> 01:16:08,665
Then leave this soggy island.
1526
01:16:08,689 --> 01:16:11,083
England is finished.
The future is Holland.
1527
01:16:11,107 --> 01:16:14,045
- America?
- Yeah, America, yeah.
1528
01:16:14,069 --> 01:16:16,047
Where they are more respectful
of personal violence,
1529
01:16:16,071 --> 01:16:17,799
- where they won't stop children
having automatic weapons-
1530
01:16:17,823 --> 01:16:19,708
- just because they're insane.
1531
01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:24,014
So, the butler was arrested-
1532
01:16:24,038 --> 01:16:27,216
- and sentenced to be hanged by
the neck until he wasn't at all well.
1533
01:16:28,042 --> 01:16:30,436
Leonard Bastard married Helena,
1534
01:16:30,460 --> 01:16:32,772
- and together they
opened an umbrella shop.
1535
01:16:32,796 --> 01:16:36,909
The Reverend Whoopsie became
the Archbishop of Canterbury.
1536
01:16:36,933 --> 01:16:41,121
Aunt Maggie moved to Holland where
she demonstrates personal vibrators.
1537
01:16:42,105 --> 01:16:44,292
And as for me, the Piano...
1538
01:16:44,316 --> 01:16:47,504
...I was bought by Elton John.
1539
01:16:47,528 --> 01:16:51,883
And I'm currently
starring in Las Vegas...
1540
01:16:51,907 --> 01:16:55,844
...where I made this,
one of Elton John's finest hits.
1541
01:16:59,331 --> 01:17:01,393
♪ O Rum ti tumti ♪
1542
01:17:01,417 --> 01:17:03,895
♪ Tickle yer monkey ♪
♪ Tickle di didle doo ♪
1543
01:17:03,919 --> 01:17:06,105
♪ Rumpy pumpy ♪
♪ Humpty dumpty ♪
1544
01:17:06,129 --> 01:17:08,107
♪ Tickle yer tivey too ♪
1545
01:17:08,131 --> 01:17:09,984
♪ Oh, Hankie pankie ♪
♪ Winkie wankie ♪
1546
01:17:10,008 --> 01:17:11,737
♪ Diddle de didle doo ♪
1547
01:17:11,761 --> 01:17:13,905
♪ Rinky dinky ♪
♪ Tiddley winky ♪
1548
01:17:13,929 --> 01:17:15,490
♪ Nicky nacky noo ♪
1549
01:17:15,514 --> 01:17:17,576
♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪
♪ Nickety nackety ♪
1550
01:17:17,600 --> 01:17:19,536
♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪
1551
01:17:19,560 --> 01:17:22,121
♪ Splickety wickety ♪
♪ Pickety nickety ♪
1552
01:17:22,145 --> 01:17:23,915
♪ What is life about? ♪
1553
01:17:23,939 --> 01:17:25,667
♪ Shackety mackety ♪
♪ Thwackety crackety ♪
1554
01:17:25,691 --> 01:17:27,502
♪ She was just a slut ♪
1555
01:17:27,526 --> 01:17:29,295
♪ Find yourself another lass ♪
1556
01:17:29,319 --> 01:17:30,922
♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪
1557
01:17:30,946 --> 01:17:33,633
♪ Oh, Packety wackety ♪
♪ Nickety nackety ♪
1558
01:17:33,657 --> 01:17:35,510
♪ Sings the lonely trout ♪
1559
01:17:35,534 --> 01:17:37,345
♪ Splickety wickety ♪
♪ Pickety nickety ♪
1560
01:17:37,369 --> 01:17:39,180
♪ What is life about? ♪
1561
01:17:39,204 --> 01:17:41,015
♪ Shackety mackety ♪
♪ Thwackety crackety ♪
1562
01:17:41,039 --> 01:17:43,017
♪ She was just a slut ♪
1563
01:17:43,041 --> 01:17:45,270
♪ Find yourself another lass ♪
1564
01:17:45,294 --> 01:17:48,648
♪ A nicer piece of butt ♪
1565
01:18:13,864 --> 01:18:17,385
♪ From the Orpheum Theatre ♪
♪ In downtown L.A. ♪
1566
01:18:17,409 --> 01:18:20,639
♪ Tonight we invite you ♪
♪ To picture a play ♪
1567
01:18:20,663 --> 01:18:24,058
♪ A radio screenplay ♪
♪ A film for your ears ♪
1568
01:18:24,082 --> 01:18:27,919
♪ It's Aural Cinema! ♪
1569
01:20:10,313 --> 01:20:13,877
♪ From the Orpheum Theatre ♪
♪ In downtown L.A. ♪
1570
01:20:13,901 --> 01:20:17,088
♪ Tonight we invite you ♪
♪ To picture a play ♪
1571
01:20:17,112 --> 01:20:20,216
♪ A radio screenplay ♪
♪ A film for your ears ♪
1572
01:20:20,240 --> 01:20:26,503
♪ It's Aural Cinema! ♪
123824
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