All language subtitles for Spin.City.S01E07.iNTERNAL.1080p.WEB.H264-DiMEPiECE_track3_[eng]

ASHLEY: (ON TV) This is
Ashley Schaeffer
with channel 10 news.

(GROANS)
That was great stuff.

We don't have to play
this little game every night.

Excuse me
if I happen

to find that piece
very comforting.

Mike, I interviewed a grown
man who collects
Barbie dolls.

Exactly. It's very
comforting to me

that he lives way the hell
on the other side of town.

It's just
driving me crazy.

I miss my old job
at the newspaper.

Look, honey,
I know you're upset.

No, I'm not upset.

You clean
when you're upset.

Fine. I'm upset.
I'm cleaning.

What's the harm
in that?

You threw out the budget
for the parks department.

I've been working
on that for a month.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

We'll just dig my paycheck
out of there later.

Oh. It's just this
television thing, you know?

It's one puff piece
after the other.

It's just so frustrating.

I know it is, honey,

but everybody's got
to start at the bottom.

Mike, the man made
me leave the room

when Barbie was changing.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Michael.

Ooh, it's never good
when you call me Michael.

Last Tuesday, you had
me cancel your lunch

with the
Parks commissioner

so you could dine with the
dean of Fordham Law School,

which I then

because of your last-minute
speaking engagement

at the women's caucus.

Bottom line, Janelle.

You have 11
lunches today.

Good.
I'm really hungry.

I did it. I broke up
with Roger last night.

How do you feel?

In my heart, I know
it was the right thing,

but you know
how he can be.

Maybe if I'd just been
a little bit more...

But he had all those
issues with his mother...

I know exactly what
you're talking about.

Right?
So, you know...

How?

I mean, how could you
possibly know?

What? Guys don't
talk about it

when they break up
with their girlfriends?

A buddy shows up
with a new girlfriend,

you pretty much assume
he dumped the old one.

The only thing
that is required of you

is to not call her
by the other one's name.

Mr. Flaherty,
D-day has arrived.

Hey, carter's got a new
nickname for himself.

You promised to
tell me today

whether or not the mayor is
going to support

the legislation
on same-sex marriages.

I'm on pins
and needles, too, Mike.

I got big plans tonight.

Yeah. In my office,
one minute. Okay, Carter?

James, the mayor
needs his remarks

for the annual trick or
treating at Gracie mansion.

Halloween's still
a few days away.

It's a big event,
James.

There's a lot of cameras.
The mayor's great with kids.

It's the only time of
the year he gets to wear

his Chewbacca costume
out of the house.

It's hard for me to get
into the Halloween spirit

until it's
actually Halloween.

I need some kind
of inspiration.

Good morning,
people!

Thank you, Paul.

Is it pirate
day again?

I get this new toaster,
right?

And the thing flings bread
up at an incredible speed.

I'm telling you,

it should come with
a pair of safety goggles.

Is it bad?

The doctor prescribed
some drops.

I have to wear the patch
for a couple of days.

I'll be fine.

Go ahead, Stuart.
Let's hear it.

If you make it this easy,
you ruin it for both of us.

CARTER: I'd really
like that answer now.

Is the mayor
going to come out

for or against
same-sex marriages?

Gay marriages? Oh, no.
Mayor's against it.

Paul...

No. I just spoke to him.
He's against it 100%.

The mayor's
coming out against.

Yeah. I picked that up.

I don't want you to
take this personally.

Why? Just because
if I was in a monogamous,

faithful relationship
with a man for 10 years,

I would never be allowed
to marry him,

but if I met some
strange woman in a bar,

we could be married
within an hour,

and every state in the union
would applaud it,
just like that?

You mind telling me
what bar that is?

Carter,
you're a smart guy.

This was the only thing
we could do politically.

I should just lie down
and accept this, hmm?

If you wouldn't mind.

ASHLEY:
So Hank is officially

the oldest hockey player
in New York.

Oh, age is
just a number.

Hank's as young
in his heart

as he was when
he started the game.

And how long have
you two been married?

I'm his daughter.

Right, uh...

Well, let me just tell you
my angle on the story.

I want to do a piece,
an expose, if you will,

on ageism in America.

They said you were going
to talk about hockey.

Dad loves hockey.

Why don't we get a few shots
of Hank warming up,

and then I'll get some of
his insights on the issue.

Hank? Hank?

Could I have a few words?

Hank!

Uh...Oh.

Help me up!

Nice job, sir.

Why did they need to know
my opinion on that?

Same-sex marriage is
a hot-button issue right now

and has legislation pending
at the state level,

and as leader
of the City of New York,

you're expected
to voice your...

I'm familiar with
the concept of being mayor.

I was asking the question on
a more metaphysical level.

Ooh, well... My waters
don't run that deep, sir.

Could you believe
that reporter,

having the gall to ask me
if I were homophobic.

Even if I were
prejudiced against gays,

I'd want them
to get married,

give them a taste
of the nightmare

the rest of us live
through every day.

Sir, the good news is,

the press is ready
to let this go,

as long as we don't do
anything to light a fire
under it.

Where is Carter
on all of this?

Probably out
gathering kindling.

He won't be a problem,
will he, Mike?

I hope not, sir.
I've spoken to him,

and I'll continue
to speak to him,

so that he can't speak
to anyone else.

Good,
but we mustn't forget

that we brought
Carter aboard

because he represents
a segment of society

that had no voice
in this administration.

Make sure he understands.

We really want to hear
what he has to say.

We just can't
listen to him.

Stephanie from hall of records
wants you to call her.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Gorgeous Stephanie?

Turns out she's
a very charming woman.

Course, I'd only
met her through you,

so I hadn't heard her
say much other than,

"Get away from me.
I'm busy."

Did you just make
fun of me?

'Cause that's not
how it works.

I'm having coffee
with her this afternoon.

Way to go, big daddy.

You betcha.

Something is
very wrong here.

What? It's
so inconceivable

that she could
find me attractive?

Yes, it is.

I... I don't know that.

If I were a woman,
I would find Paul very sexy.

That sounded weird,
didn't it?

It's the patch. It's
got to be the patch.

Oh, Stuart,
you are so pathetic.

There it is again!

The only reason the guy
had a hockey stick

was to prop himself up.

It's not funny,
you know.

It never ends, either.

Tomorrow, I'm interviewing
a dog who can count to 5.

Get out of town!

In English?

No, in Spanish, Mike.
The dog speaks fluent Spanish.

But what's more interesting
is that it barks to 5.

Wow!

What does it count?

You know,
I really don't care.

Probably cats.

Gatos.

if I could just have
one story, you know,

one strong, gripping,
divisive story.

We have something
to tell you.

We're getting married.

Carter, this wedding is
a giant slap in the face

to the administration,
and I cannot

in good conscience
let it happen,

so I'm simply
not going to allow it.

So, Carter,
here's my pitch.

Yes.

Since everybody's covering
the actual ceremony,

I want to start
when you say "I do,"

and have my cameras roll
right up to the annulment.

MIKE: You're not helping.

Carter's fighting for
a very important cause here.

I'm sorry. You don't
mind if I speak for you?

No, no. I find this
fascinating.

He's a grown man,
he's getting married,

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

Honey, aren't you supposed
to be at the zoo

covering that iguana
that can do long division?

Actually, I grant you
unlimited access.

Ha! You are a god.

I think I'm going to talk
to my producer about this.

Love you, honey.

Oh, come on.
Smile!

I hope you're not setting
yourself up for a fall,

because this fake
protest wedding may be big

in our little world...

Let me paint you
a picture, Mike.

First, Nikki and I
are going to get married.

We will then walk over to
the throng of reporters...

I hate throngs.

Throngs are
very uncomfortable.

And we're going
to tell them, Mike,

this is a sham marriage.
We don't love each other.

We're not going to have
a life together.

We'll never even spend
one night in the same room.

We will, however, enjoy all
the benefits of a legal union,

health insurance,
tax deductions, you name it.

Then, I'm going to trot out
gay couple after gay couple...

People who've been together
5, 10, even 20 years.

They've bought homes,
raised children,

been an important part
of this community,

and yet none of them can
enjoy the same benefits.

That's so subtle.

CARTER: how's
my lovely bride-to-be?

Oh, busy, busy, busy.

I rented an art gallery
for the ceremony.

I got us a minister,
florist, caterer.

What about a band?
Will there be dancing?

Have you met my friends?

There will be dancing.

Ah!

Nikki, I had the strangest
dream last night,

and you were in it.

You were digging
this deep hole...

And you were
burying me in it.

And here's
the funny part.

I was still alive.

Could you hold on
a second?

Hello? Antoine!
Guess what.

I am getting married
the day after tomorrow.

You have to do my hair.

Oh, he's a great guy.
You'll love him.

No, no, no.
Trust me.

How about this dress?

No. If I go strapless,
I'll have to shave my armpits.

Let me see,
Karen.

The one with
the sequins?

Here's the one
she wants,

simple, elegant,
very Audrey Hepburn.

James, come here.

One second, Mike.

You're definitely going to
have to wear pumps with that.

James! Now.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm helping.
I picked out

both of my sisters'
wedding dresses.

Mike, I really
have an eye for it.

(WHIRRING)

I'm detecting abnormal
estrogen levels, Captain.

Set phasers
to "dewussify."

Hey, Mike,
press conference!

Let's go!
Heel, toe! Come on!

Coming, coming!
I'm sorry, Paul!

What am I doing?

It's the patch, Mike.
The patch has power.

Whatever you do,
don't look directly at it.

"At this time,
the mayor's office

"has no comment on
Mr. Heywood's wedding,

"nor on the issue
of gay marriage."

Mike,
I can't read this.

It's our position.
We're sticking with it.

No, no, no. I mean,
I can't read this.

You try it.
Cover an eye.

I'm getting a headache.

Paul, I got...

I got to know you're
ready for this, okay?

These people are going
to want some answers.

They're not going
to be satisfied,

with the timeless
Paul Lassiter classic,

"I have no comment
at this time."

Don't you worry about a thing
because I'm in total control.

Look, I've never felt
more confident in my life.

Since that accident,

I've finally found
my inner strength.

That accident
changed my life.

Paul, you weren't
driving an Indy car.

You got hit by toast.

Well, there she is...
The bride.

You know, I've been thinking
about wedding presents.

What do you want?
Gravy boat? A blender?

Date for the reception?

Very cute, Mike.

What's the matter?

I just got off the phone
with my nana.

She's just thrilled.
She's flying up

from Jacksonville
for the wedding.

Well, what a nana.

She just kept saying
how happy she is

that her granddaughter

is finally
getting married.

The whole gay rights thing
just kind of went...

I know what you mean.

My grandmother thought
that a homosexual

was a person who slept
with one person

their whole life.

We were going to
let it slide,

but she kept telling the
mailman she was a homosexual.

I just don't want my nana
to be disappointed.

Don't want to disappoint
Nana, so cancel it.

Cancel it for Nana.

You know,
I'm sorry, Mike.

I'm doing this
for Carter.

If I can help him
shine the light

on an important issue,
that's great.

And as for me,
I don't care.

This is just a few days
out of my life.

CARTER: Nikki.

What?

I have
a surprise for you.

What?

I hope you don't think
this is too corny,

but, well... Here.

It's my grandmother's
engagement ring.

My mom was so excited

when she thought somebody
might actually wear it,

even for a week.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow!

Thanks, Nikki.

Wow.

Not a single
follow-up question?

None. Paul has completely
shut down the media.

I don't know how
he did it.

Anyway, it gives us a window
to try to figure out

how to put the kibosh
on this whole wedding.

I don't think we need to
put any kibosh on this.

Should we just nip it
in the bud, then?

Let me tell you
a little story, Mike.

Please.

When I was
11 years old,

my parents sent me
away to summer camp.

It was there that
I developed, well,

a serious case
of athlete's foot.

Needless to say,

when it came time
to hit the showers,

I was embarrassed
and confused.

You and me both, sir.

No. The point is,
the more I did

to try to hide
my affliction,

the more I drew
attention to it.

Pretty soon, I was just
a boy in the shower

with one sock on.

You're saying the more
we do to cover this up,

the worse it will get.

Give me a second, sir.
Let me work with this.

Well, you've already
come out negative on it,

so the conservatives
are happy,

and if we let Carter and
Nikki walk down the aisle,

the liberals
are taken care of, so...

Do nothing.

Sir, that's inspired.

Let it be, Mike,

and the path
shall reveal itself.

You're a very spiritual man,
aren't you, sir?

I'm part Chippewa.

I don't know
what it is, Stuart,

but I always get this
feeling at weddings.

There's a different
energy in the air.

Maybe it's just me.

It's not just you,
James.

It's the law
of the jungle.

Women are naturally
vulnerable at weddings.

You ever see
Wild Kingdom?

We're cheetahs, James,

and the women...

They're wounded
baby gazelles.

Well, you're looking
at the king of the jungle.

(GROWLS)

I'm telling you,
I got more numbers

than I know
what to do with.

Paul, how long
did the doctor say

you're supposed to
wear the patch?

Friday.

It's Saturday.

Yes, well,

the prescription
was very vague.

Hello.

Oh, Mike! Look, Nikki,
it's Mike!

Hi, Mike.

Hi, Karen.

She's a little
stressed out.

She can hear you.

Why don't I get us
a little more champagne?

That's a good idea.
Why don't you get some?

It will perk you up
a little.

Okey-doke.

I just wanted to come by
and wish you luck.

How you doing?

I got my something old,
my something new,

my something blue.

I just need
something borrowed.

Oh, uh...

Ten bucks.

Thanks.

Going to need that back
after the ceremony.

So, I'm doing it, Mike.
I'm getting married.

What am I doing?

I thought I could
put this dress on

and it wouldn't
affect me,

but look at me. I'm...

You look beautiful.

No, I'm a mess, Mike.
My mascara is running.

I'm shaking.
Why am I shaking?

You shake when it's forever,
not when it's 5 days.

Maybe you got
cold feet.

I can't feel my feet.

I may be a little
out of line, but, uh...

It occurs to me
you might have

a little more
invested emotionally

than you thought
you would in this.

You think?

I have a picture of
my mom on her wedding day.

I look just like her.

You don't have to go
through with this.

I don't even get to have
sex tonight, Mike.

I'm spending
my wedding night at home,

ironing and folding
my dress for next time.

What's the holdup?

Nothing.

This is a mistake.
You can't do this.

You never quit,
do you?

This is happening.
You can't stop it.

To tell you the truth,
politically,

this is no longer
a problem for me.

You're happy.
The Mayor is happy.

I have
no ulterior motive.

Well, that's a first.

Anything I tell you now
is personal,

it's honest,
and it is from my heart.

Ugh...

What's that cold little
heart of yours telling you?

That you pulled
it off, Carter.

And I admire that.
I seriously do.

It's exactly the kind
of thing that I hope

I would do if
I was in your position.

You'll get everything
you want, but Nikki...

Mike, don't.

What?

Why don't you ask Nikki
how she feels about it?

If there's anything
you want to talk about...

No, I'm fine.
I'm a little flustered.

Are you sure?
Because...

Yes. Go away.

The groom is not supposed
to see the bride

before the wedding.

MAN: Before we consecrate
the vows of holy matrimony,

if there is
any man or woman

who thinks that this union
should not take place,

please let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

Okay, I want a tight
shot on Nikki,

and then a quick pan
across to Carter.

Excuse me?

Do you think this union
should not take place?

I'm for it.
Are you kidding?

They got me doing
talking dog stories.

Do you,
Nicole Katherine Faber,

take this man,
Carter Sebastian Heywood,

to be your lawfully
wedded husband,

to love and honor him
in sickness and in health

all the days
of your life?

Um, I... I do.

And do you, Carter,
take Nicole,

to love and honor her
in sickness and in health

for all the days
of your life?

I don't.

Carter, you don't have
to do this for me.

Yeah, I do.

I mean, I don't.

I mean...

You know what I mean.

Am I disappointed?
Absolutely not.

It's amazing
to have a friend

who would go this far.

She deserves
to take those vows

when they
mean something.

And you know what?
So do I.

Mark my words.
It will happen someday.

Someday, we'll be
standing right up there

with the man
of our dreams.

I hope it's not
the same guy.

Is Nikki okay?

Oh, yeah.
She'll be fine.

I don't know what
it is about weddings,

but they always
make me daydream.

(STAMMERING) Me, too.

Really? So do you
ever think about

what our wedding
would be like?

Sure.

Hypothetically.

Didn't mean
to scare you.

Oh, you didn't.
You didn't!

Listen up, people.

I am powerful,
and I'm confident,

and I don't need some eye
patch to make me feel that.

I am Paul Lassiter,

and I am a man
to be reckoned with.

Hello, gorgeous.

You're in my way.

I'm sorry.
I didn't... Oh!

I'm sorry.
No, no, no.

Looking for an eye patch,
people, please.

Looking for an eye patch.
I have a serious eye problem.

Please help.

I'll pick you up
at 9:00?