All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades - 01x02 - Sex and the Single Spy.DVDRip SAiNTS.en

(CHATTERING)

Oh, Governor, Captain.

Fancy bumping into you.

Bumping into you
is always a pleasure, madame.

And what brings you
to the docks, Emilia?

Just seeing off one of
my shipments. And you?

We are here to meet
a most prestigious visitor.

Oh? What does
your guest look like?

There is little point
in trying to describe him.

You see, he is the most
famous spy in all of France.

A famous spy, how useful.

He is a master of disguise.
Impossible to pick out of a crowd.

This must be him now.

Do not tell me your
distinguished Governorship

has made a public appearance
simply to greet a French servant.

Nonsense, your reputation
precedes you, Monsieur Martin,

if indeed
it is your real name.

But where are my manners? Permit me
to introduce Madame Emilia Rothschild.

She is one
of our local exporters

and rumored to speak nearly
as many languages as yourself.

Oh, really?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

And this is Captain Brogard.

Not to be rude,

but perhaps we should continue our
introductions in a less public place.

Quite right.

You see, one of our locals has taken
to running around in his pajamas

and foiling our every attempt
to civilize these people.

Oh, mon Dieu!

Not to worry. We have taken every
precaution to insure your safety.

Then we'd best be off then.

Right this way, Mr. Martin.

(JACK LAUGHING)

CROQUE: Mon Dieu!
MARTIN: Help me!

Help me! Help me!

(JACK LAUGHING)

Go!

MARTIN: Help me!

Would you hold this
please, Governor?

Island Bellhop Service.
Let me take your bag.

You'll never
get away with this.

Sorry you had
to see this, miss.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Right on time, Nutcracker.

(URGING HORSE)

(JACK LAUGHING)

Welcome to Palau-Palau.

JACK: Flick of the wrist
and open Sesame.

The code's not here.

You know, this wasn't exactly the
kind of debriefing I had in mind.

You're hiding something,
sister. Now, come on. Spill.

My informant thinks this could
be a list of local artists

whose work is subversive
to the French.

If we don't get our hands
on that code,

the streets of Palau-Palau
will run red with their blood.

(SINGING) In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

I must apologize again, Monsieur
Martin, for the loss of your briefcase.

Not at all, Governor.

I never keep
anything classified in it.

Then why was it
handcuffed to your wrist?

No doubt a diversion,
eh, Monsieur?

(GIGGLING)

Sadly, no.

I have a...
How shall we say...

A condition which requires me
to wear special undergarments.

A Jacques strap, no doubt.

So what brings you to our
island paradise, Mr. Martin?

I am simply passing through
on business.

I will be in your quaint
township but for one evening.

Enough time
to paint the town rouge, eh?

But this is perfect.

I am having
a little soirée this evening.

It is my birthday today.

How old are you, Governor?

I am 23.

I am afraid not, Governor.

You see, it is my policy never
to mix business with pleasure.

Nonsense, Monsieur,
you must come.

I have already invited half the
island. The better half, that is.

Now, now, Governor,

we must never let our
patriotism lead us to believe

that other cultures
are inferior.

Hear, hear, Mr. Martin.
Noble sentiment indeed.

Forgive me, I misspoke.

When I said the better half,
I meant the wealthy half.

You know, there's nothing like the
sweet smell of a domesticated woman.

And I mean that
in the most respectful way.

Care to try some?

Sure, lay it on me, baby.

Oh, holy shipwrecked
son of a ditchdigger!

It's my latest weapon.
I call it ginger spray.

Well, congratulations
'cause I'm blind.

Yes! It works!

And now we must immerse
the affected area completely.

Immerse the affected...

Don't worry. Shouldn't be
any permanent damage.

(MUTTERING)

Was it something I said?

Now that I have your attention,
let's discuss our party plans.

No thanks.

I got better things to do with my evening
than hang out with a bunch of croissandwiches.

It's the perfect opportunity
to get that code from Martin.

We don't even know
where he keeps it.

If it wasn't in his briefcase,
he must carry it on him somewhere.

I can't imagine
where he has it tucked away.

Unless... He mentioned he
wears special undergarments.

Ah, he keeps it in the safe
with the family jewels, huh?

Well, in that case you're gonna
have to be the one to pull it off.

Pull what off?

His pants,
if you wanna be specific.

You'll seduce him and get the
code in the heat of passion.

Why me?

I don't like brunettes.

Look, I'm not saying you have
to ride the pink toboggan.

Just go far enough
to get his clothes off.

Yes, I suppose I could
do that for the mission.

I see what's going on here.

Someone's a little rusty. Haven't
shucked the corn lately, eh?

I beg your pardon?

Been a while
since you slopped the hog?

(TOOTING)

My dear misguided Stiles,

it takes more than a few filthy
metaphors to get a rise out of me.

Really? I only need one.

None the less, Mr. Martin
is a male and so are you.

Therefore, I will listen to
any advice you have to give.

And if all goes well,
I will convince Mr. Martin

that I am more than capable
of tenderizing the T-bone.

What a mouth on that woman.

(GIGGLING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Entrez.

I brought you your spare underwear
until your briefcase is found.

Oh, how very civilized
of you, Capitaine.

Our guests should be arriving
shortly for the evening's events.

I cannot stay long.

I need a solid eight hours of sleep
before I depart for the next port.

(GIGGLING)

With all due respect,
Monsieur,

you are not exactly what one imagines
when one thinks of France's greatest spy.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Bernard St. Bernard,

known throughout
the intelligence community

as I'Ombre Fatale,
the Shadow of Death.

No living soul has ever
bettered me at my own game

until this morning.

The Dragoon. I, too, have
been mocked by his effrontery.

Fortunately for us both,

the good Governor has presented
us with the perfect forum

at which to set a trap.

How can I be of service?

Send word out that I am
to leave your port at dawn.

When the Dragoon
stole my briefcase,

he did so believing that I
had something worth stealing.

When he hears I am
to be gone by morning,

he will have no choice
but to try again ce soir.

My men and I will be ready.

And who knows,

perhaps I can ensnare
the enchanting Emilia as well.

Emilia?

What do you want with her?

Every little thing
she has to offer.

There we go. A little
something to put us in the mood.

Okay, the first thing you
gotta do is show a little leg.

Ever seen gams like these?

(WHISTLING)

That's supposed to be sexy?

Well, you'll wax first.

I'm doing my best to take you
seriously. I expect the same courtesy.

All right. Okay.

Try this.

Hey, big boy. Is that a baguette in your
pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Well, come on. You said you
were gonna take me seriously.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Please continue.

All right.

Secret blow. Come on.

Dare I ask what that is?

Face that way.

Ready?

(BLOWING)

What was that?

(JACK LAUGHING)

You didn't feel
a little tingle? Huh?

A little tiny subconscious jolt
to the subcockles of your heart?

Oh, please. Your seedy tactics
would never work on Mr. Martin.

He's a gentleman.

Oh, you know what?
Someone's got a crush.

How very like you to mistake
respect for open affection.

He may work for the wrong side, but
he's still a decent and honorable man.

He's a guy. The only honor he's
interested in is jumping "on her."

I must be daft to look to you for
advice on matters of seduction.

It's an art, Jack,
not a contact sport.

Emilia, wait.

You're right.

The truth is I don't know
how to act around you.

When I first came here, I didn't
think I could work with a woman

until I realized the woman I work
with is the best agent I've ever known.

And as hard as it is
for me to say this,

the thought of you
seducing Martin

makes me jealous.

I wouldn't wanna lose you to someone
who's twice the man I'll never be.

Emilia.

Yes, Jack.

It's your turn.

Come again?

To seduce me.

You know, to say the things you think I
wanna hear, like what I've been doing to you.

Well, aren't you
quite the thespian.

Oh.

You were buying that?

Hey, look, I didn't mean to give
you the wrong... Don't be ridiculous.

I was delivering the same
caliber performance as you.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have...

Got to get ready.

Huh.

Bonsoir.

I have guards posted
throughout the mansion.

If the Dragoon strikes as you
say, there will be no escape.

Oh, he will make
an appearance. His last.

A splendid party,
is it not, gentlemen?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now it's a party.

But where are my manners?

Monsieur Martin, may I present
Monsieur Jacques Stiles.

He is an American.

Really? Tell me, is it true your
George Washington has wooden teeth?

Tell me, is it true that Marie
Antoinette stuffs her boulder holder?

(LAUGHING)

You know, with...

With the thing in the...

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Well, I hate to cut
this conversation short,

but I'm chaperoning the girls cricket
team tonight, so you'll pardon me.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I don't know why I bothered giving
you advice. You look beautiful.

You're gonna do just fine.

I'll have him upstairs in 10
minutes. Meet me outside of his room.

Once I get his clothes off,
we'll search them for the code.

Madame Emilia, would you care to
join me on the verandah for some air?

It's a beautiful night,

and I fear there may be some less than
gentlemanly elements at this affair.

No, thanks.
It's rather nippy out.

My point exactly.

Emilia, my dear.

Governor.

I could use a drink.

Care to join me, Mr. Martin?

Mademoiselle, the pleasure
would be all mine.

Voila!

To the woman who is
more lovely than the sunset.

What a lovely thing to...

Oh, Mr. Martin!

Oh, look,
I've broken your glasses!

I'll pay for those,
I assure you, and your shirt!

I've ruined your evening!

Oh, not at all. I can easily
go to my room and change.

Would you care
to accompany me?

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

So my good buddy,
Thomas Jefferson, says,

"Jack, please sign the declaration.
You practically wrote it."

And I said,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, T.J.

"Not before my lawyer has a quick
look-see first. You know what I mean?"

Here we are.

Lovely.

Mr. Martin, I wanted to reiterate
how noble I found your sentiments

on equality the other day.

I'm glad to hear it, my dear.

Now let's see
how you find the rest of me.

Oh, my. Perhaps
I should return to the party.

But the real party
is just about to begin.

(GASPING)

Anyway, that reminds me
of the time I...

The time I had to go.
Good night.

WOMEN: Oh, no!

Ladies, please. Every man needs
a day to replenish his fluids.

Ta-ta!

I obviously had you all wrong.

Well, now's your chance
to have me the right way.

Mr. Martin, get a grip!

I would
if you would just hold still.

(JACK LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

A-ha!

Oh, ma chérie, would you like
to start with an appetizer,

or would you like to go
straight to the main course?

Wait. I've got a better idea.

(EXCLAIMING)

A romantic bath, huh?

Oh, but you have
to get it started.

And lots of bubbles. I'm shy.

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

The tub is filling up,
my little crepe suzette!

Oh! I cannot wait for long.

This is gonna hurt me a lot
more than it's gonna hurt you.

Shouldn't I meet
your parents first?

He's in the bathroom,
but I have his clothes.

I don't understand.
It's not here.

That is it.
I have waited long enough!

I'd say we've found the code.

Look at the size of that
thing. Must be its own zip code.

The Dragoon!

Stand back, Emilia.
I'll take care of this!

No, no, please, don't shoot.

Don't worry, Mr. Martin.
I'll save you.

Make it look good.

BROGARD: In here! Vite!

Sacré bleu!

Gesundheit.

Kill him.

Don't worry, Emilia.
I got you covered.

Au revoir, Dragoon.

Have you lost weight?

(SCREAMING)

Over there. Get him.

Oh, this is going
to take forever.

I got him! I got him!

Come in.

My hat!

Pardon.

Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?

Hey, you're pretty good,
but not good enough.

(GROANING)

(GIGGLING)

All right, who threw that?

Now, I have you.

You know, this is the part of the
job I enjoy the most. The killing.

Jack, Jack, it's me. It's me.

Lead the way, sister.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, the heck is that?

It's a gift from one
of the artists we saved.

Thanks to our little decoding,
everyone on the hit list is safe.

Oh, great. Now who's gonna
protect us from their art?

Oh, thanks.

By the way, you scrubbed
up pretty well tonight.

And you were right, Jack.
Martin was no gentleman at all.

I was right
about something else, too.

You are the best agent
I've ever worked with.

Remember when we were
just practicing earlier?

I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

The truth is, Jack,

when you said what you said,

my heart skipped a beat.

It did?

I've played the part of a
proper English lady all my life.

I didn't realize
how suffocated I felt

until I met you.

You didn't?

I want to let go, Jack.

You do?

I want you to give me a tour
of life's sensual pleasures.

All aboard, baby!

And Jack?

Yeah.

Now we're even.