All language subtitles for RuPauls.Drag.Race.All.Stars.S08E09.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

- Previously on "All Stars"...

- Heidi, why did I hear
you went to Jimbo

and told her that
I'm coming for her?

- Because you did.

- That is wild to me.

I just hope you didn't
plant seeds here

in people's heads that are going

to grow as the
competition moves forward.

I'm not really sure where
I stand in my alliance

with Jimbo.

You just never know
if one of these girls

is going to be holding
grudges against you.

- For this week's
Maxi Challenge,

starting from scratch, you need
to transform these materials

into your own signature look
that screams,

"I'm a winner, baby."

- Designing challenges,
they are my favorite.

- I am very sarcastic right now.

- If you do win tonight,
don't forget about me.

- I won't.
You know I won't.

- Listen, baby.
- I told you I wouldn't.

- I know that Alexis
is gonna have my back,

because last week I saved her.

- Alexis Michelle.

- Alexis, this is what
we call a glow up.

This is perfection.

- Kandy Muse.
- Hi.

- The fit is a little off
for me, Kandy.

The length is an odd length.

- LaLa Ri.

- If you're going to have
one sleeve, call me dramatic,

but it should have
like a flare going on,

a little something, as opposed

to a simple 3/4 length.

- Kandy Muse, LaLa Ri,

I'm sorry, my dears, but you are

the bottom two All Stars
of the week.

- Alexis Michelle.

Condragulations, you're
the top All Star of the week.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

- It's time to present
this week's

Lip Sync Assassin.

Alexis Michelle,
condragulations,

you're a winner, baby.
- Yes.

- Thank you.

- You've won a cash tip
of $10,000.

Which queen have you chosen
to give the chop?

- Unfortunately, the queen
I'm sending home tonight...

Is LaLa.

- LaLa Ri,
you're leaving us tonight,

but the Fame Games
have just begun.

Now sashay away.

- Bye.

Ooh, baby.

- Top four, bitches.
- Top four.

- Yes, we're the top four.

- Come on, you're blind.

- I am the top All Star
of the week.

Yes, finally!

LaLa.

I feel 100% like a winner, baby.

This is wonderful foreshadowing
for what's coming at the end

of this competition.

Baby, I had the time of my life.

I love you all, xoxo, LaLa Ri.

I'm stealing everything.

You will be sorely missed.
- I miss her already.

- Right?
Me too.

Each week has been
difficult voting,

but this felt like the hardest
one because of the two of you

and how you've both performed
in this competition

and I had nothing to divide you.

- I'm happy that
Kandy is staying,

but also I'm very sad
to see LaLa Ri go.

Because baby, I'm in love
with the LaLa Ri experience.

- LaLa Ri experience.
- LaLa Ri experience.

- Now and forever.

- Ay.

- Baby, there's room for
everyone now on these couches.

- I know.
It's like a love seat now.

One for me and one for my ego.

- No, you need two for your ego.

Alexis, congratulations.

Your first win.
- Yes!

- Miss Alexis.

- Maybe you should've waited
for winning.

- In the words of Lizzo,
it's about damn time,

and I feel like
I'm standing on more,

you know,
solid and common ground

with all of you.
- And you won the lip sync.

- Yeah.
- That's not luck.

- What does it feel like?

Aw.

- How was it?
Like, you know, I blacked out.

- It was good.
- You were great.

I couldn't see.

- But let me tell you this.

It was great to see
Kandy in the bottom.

But I think now we need
to find out if everybody

agree with your decision.

Baby, it's my first time
having this box.

- It's your turn.

- Turn it up.

- How do you open this shit?

She can't open the box either.

It's not just Kahanna.

- This is...
What the fuck is this?

- There's a small...

- Here.

- OK, here we go.

- OK.

- One for LaLa.

- OK.

- Two for LaLa.

- Perfect.

- Three for LaLa.
- Aww.

- And one for me.

So I'm going to assume that
the Kandy is from LaLa.

- Yes.

- So that the other three
are from myself,

Jimbo, and Jessica.

- I can't imagine a day
without my Kandy.

- She's got a sweet tooth.
- Yeah.

- Well, actually,
I couldn't see the lipsticks,

and I thought I picked Kandy.

So this is really awkward.

- Having the competition
almost ripped out of your hands

that quick was just
something I'm like,

I don't want to land
anywhere near that ever again

in my entire life.

No.

- And you thought that
Alexis was going to save you

or to send you home?
- My mind was like racing.

Fuck, she gonna
pick me right now.

I'm going to go home.

I'm about to cry in front
of all these people.

I was so shocked
when you said LaLa.

I was like...

Fuck.
Grateful, of course.

So thank you.

- I thought you told
LaLa you weren't

going to send her home.

- I didn't promise.

I just told her that
I would never forget

what she did for me
and I never will.

And you know, I hope and pray

that she will be a sister
forever and maybe even more.

Ooh!

- Like I said,
everything felt so balanced

between the two of you,
and, you know,

when we were talking,
you told me what you told me,

and you know what you told me,

and you know
I know what that means.

Yeah.

Alexis said she would
keep me if I made her

a promise if we were
ever in a position,

I would not vote for her.

- If you were to stay,

like, would we be looking out
for each other?

- The reality is only one
person wins this competition,

but that doesn't mean
that two people that

come from the same place
can't look out

for one another going forward.

- I hear you.

- Obviously to keep my ass
here, I said yes.

Duh.
- What's all these secrets?

I only made two alliances
in this competition,

one with Heidi, one with Kandy.

But it seems like
Kandy's making deals.

She's working the sisters.

But hey, as long as she's
not working me, I'm fine.

- All right, bitches.
I don't know about y'all,

but I am mentally,
physically drained.

So let's get out of drag.

- Can somebody help this
old queen from season two?

I had to wait 13 years
to be here

and now I am in the top four.

My God,
this is a dream come true.

Twirl, bitch.

I have no panty.

I feel the crown
in Jessica Wild's future.

- Nite.

- And I'm not going to
slow down until I have it.

Ew.

- It's Jessica Wild's crown.

I love it.

Ew!

The winner of "RuPaul's
Drag Race All Stars"

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics,

a coveted spot in
the "Drag Race" Hall of Fame,

and a cash prize of $200,000,

with extra-special guest judge
Thom Filicia.

- Top four!

Top four!

- Here we are.
- Yes.

- Whoo!

- I remember this feeling
from season 13

and it feels so good!

We're in the top four.

That means we're
at the homestretch

of the competition.

And baby, I'm feeling refreshed.

Whatever happened last week,
I was in the bottom.

We don't care.

We're not bringing that
negative energy into today.

Arr!

Whatever challenge
RuPaul throws at us,

I am ready for it.

It is so empty in here.

- I think I'm going
to like it here.

- It's like our own talk show.

- It really is.
- Yeah.

- What would we call
our talk show?

- The Clap.

Oof.

- That's good.
I just got rid of the clap,

but I'll get it back again.

Hello, hello, hello.

- Mama!

- My queens,

you know, all too often,
we overlook

the greatness
that is right in front of us.

Today I want to shine a light on

television pioneer
Carson Kressley.

- As the star of the original
"Queer Eye,"

Carson not only gave us
the word "zhuzh,"

he busted down doors
for LGBTQ people everywhere

and help paved the way
for shows like "Drag Race."

In addition to being
an Emmy award winning host,

Carson is
an accomplished equestrian,

a best-selling author,

and someone I feel fortunate
to call my friend.

Now the time has come
to pay tribute to Carson

in the way that only
my All Stars can.

I want you to read him
for mothertucking filth.

- So for this week's
Maxi Challenge,

we ain't roasting no pig.

We ain't roasting chestnuts
on an open fire.

We are roasting Carson Kressley.

And don't forget the
other judges and each other.

Because in this roast,
everyone gets burned.

How much for one rib?

#AllStars8.

Later today,
you'll workshop your jokes

with Michelle Visage

and the co-host of the official

RuPaul's Drag Race podcast,
"Squirrel Friends."

I'm talking about Alec Mapa.

Yes.

- Alexis Michelle,

since you won last week's
Maxi Challenge,

you get to decide the
performance order for the roast.

All Stars, start your engines,

and may the best drag queen win.

- Yes.
- Yes.

- All right.
- Yes.

- We're going to do a roast.
I'm hungry.

- This week's Maxi Challenge
is the Carson Kressley roast.

I am so excited
to be doing a roast.

I won my last roast.

Y'all, RuPaul is so old,

"Jurassic Park"
brought back memories.

I am ready to set
the stage on fire.

What the fuck
is an "esquatarian"?

- What the hell's a pescatarian?

- An "esquatarian."

- OK, an equestrian

is a word for a horse lover.

A horse lover.

- Yeah, so he loves horses.

- An equestrian.

I don't know what that word
means because I'm not rich.

You know how rich you have
to be to take up a hobby

with playing with horses?

Have you ever done
a roast before?

- I one time was invited
to a Polish pig roast.

I'm gonna take that as a no.

- Jimbo.

- Yeah?
- This is my first roast too.

Usually my jokes
are about myself.

I don't like to hurt people

to make them laugh.

You know, it's going to be like,
Jessica, this is not funny.

This is cruel.
This is rude, you know?

- You have to find that balance.

When you're apologetic
about your jokes,

we don't want to laugh at that.

- You've got to go hard.
- Yeah.

- Let's see,
because I want to win.

Yeah?

- We have a lot of work to do,

because we are roasting Carson,

the other judges,
and also each other.

And I need to figure out
how to roast them

without attacking them,

but also I'm going
to attack them.

- I wish it were my first roast.

You did it on your season.

- Yeah, it was Michelle Visage.
- Yes.

You were green.

- Green and Michelle?

Wow, you know,
that was a challenge.

- That was hard.

I am excited and scared.

The roast didn't go so hot
for me last time.

In honor of your big night,

I wore your favorite color,
girl.

Um...

It's actually
an advantage, I think,

to have made a mistake,

because it helps you learn
how to press forward.

- Yeah.
- So why did the elephant

have three blue shoes
and one green shoe?

He forgot to lift his leg
when he peed.

Wait, do they pee blue?

- Yellow and blue make green.

- Know any good jokes?

- I'm sorry you didn't get it.

- The roast is
a scary challenge.

- It sure is.

- It's almost scarier than the
fucking Snatch Game actually.

- I think the difference
between the Snatch Game

and this is, Snatch Game,

you are trying to stay in
a character that you are not.

And that's make everything
more complicated.

- Is everybody going to be
themselves for the roast?

That's what I'm planning to do.
- Yeah.

I think characters are fun,
but being a character

and trying to make it funny,

that's double the shit
on top of already

the hard shit you have to do.

- What about you, Jimbo?

I'm going to be a character.

- You are?
- Yes.

I think I'm going
to be Joan Rivers.

- That's good.

- Bringing back your Snatch.

- Don't you talk about
my mother like that.

- Your mother and I invented
the Snatch Game, OK?

You missed your mother?
Smell my goddamn fingers.

Joan Rivers is an
iconic comedian.

She is an American treasure.

She is the perfect person
to embody for a roast,

because she was not afraid
to be shocking and nasty.

Nobody can roast like Joan.

- Do you think that the judges
are going to clock you though

for always being a
character and never just

like being just Jimbo?

- Jimbo is on the
runway every night.

I like embodying characters
when we're in a challenge,

because it's like an added
layer that you can play with.

- Joan was literally one of the
greatest insult comics ever.

And I know Jimbo can do Joan
in Snatch Game.

But at a roast,
she's got big shoes to fill.

Sisters, come on over.

- Come gather around
the cauldron.

Our roast order
for Carson Kressley.

I will be starting us off.

Jessica is going to go second.

Miss Kandy will
take number three.

- Kay.
- And then Jimbo

is going to close us out.

- Whoo.
- I had a great week last week.

I got to keep that
momentum going.

So I really want
to open this show.

I get the audience fresh,
set the tone,

and make sure
none of my jokes get used.

- So is any part of you doing it
strategically to put me

at the end in case I choke,

it will make the choke
even worse?

- My strategy in this
is where I want to be.

- It turns out that I am
going to be closing the show.

And it's a difficult
place to be.

- Jimbo, this week is going
to be interesting for you.

Because if you do really well...
- Yeah.

- It'll be your fourth time
winning a challenge.

But if you don't, it could be
your first time in the bottom.

- Well, I don't plan to prepare
a bottom presentation.

- Work.

- Yes.
- Fierce.

- I refuse to fuck this up.

Because at this point
in the competition,

I have never been in the bottom

and now would be
a really bad time

for this good streak to end.

- So a little roast moment.

- Yeah, you just catching on?

Jessica.

Hola.

My two favorite in one room.

Sure.

You say that to all the queens.

- No.

It's time to workshop
my comedy routine

with Michelle Visage
and Alec Mapa.

- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.

- Alec Mapa is one of my
favorite comedians ever.

He was on "RuPaul's Drag Race"
season two

as a judge in the Snatch Game.

And I fell in love immediately.

- Is comedy something
you do in your act?

- I think it comes
natural after four shots.

- Do Puerto Rican Queens
roast each other?

- You know, there's a line that
you should not cross.

They cross every line that
you aren't supposed to.

- OK.
Well, then that's what this is.

- You want me to
read like everything

and then you're gonna give me...

- Yeah, just give us
what you got.

OK.

- Good evening.

It's an honor for me to
be at this amazing

Carson Kressley roast,
because he literally

looks like a roasted chicken.

Behind that stiff face, there is

a big smile full of charisma.

He have a lot of uniqueness.

He proved that he have a
lot of nerves and big balls

when he decided to participate
in "Dancing With The Stars."

Last, but most important,

he makes us believe
that he have talent.

- So it's just tighten it
so we don't get bored.

- Charisma, bang.
- Uniqueness, bang.

- You're so sweet in your
kind of natural delivery

of everything, which means
you could get away with murder.

- Don't be scared.

- It's hard for me.
- Ay.

- Jessica's being too nice,
which is death during a roast.

The whole point of
a roast is to get

somebody and get them good.

That's what makes it funny.

- Cut deeper.
OK?

- Yes.

- Kandy Muse.
- Yay.

- Hi.
- Kandy, you won your roast.

- Yes, I did.

- Does that put pressure on you?

- You know,
I want to say it doesn't,

but that's a fucking lie.

It does, especially because
I was in the bottom two

last week.
- Right.

- So this week not only do I
not want to land in the bottom

again, I also would like
to win the roast again.

- Right, right, right.

- Well, we're looking forward
to hearing what you got.

- I'm gonna start off
with hello, everyone,

and Michelle Visage.

- You know, Michelle,
you are truly the greatest act

to come out of New Jersey

after Whitney Houston
and Lauryn Hill

and Queen Latifah
and Teresa Giudice.

- Teresa Giudice?

- You're putting Teresa Giudice
before me, Kandy?

All right.

- The only thing that cries
more than Alexis Michelle

is Ginger Minj at the buffet
when the crab legs are done.

Ooh!

- Make sure we hear that.

- You know, Carson, you and I
have so much in common.

I love ketamine.

You're an...
How do you say that word?

Esque...

- Equestrian.

- Equestrian.
- Yeah.

- Listen to me.
Breathe.

- Yes.
I need to remember that.

- Yes.
If we don't hear you, baby,

it ain't going to be funny.

- Sometimes I get excited,
and I'm like, blah, blah, blah.

- Yeah, yeah.

I think my only note
would be clarity.

- Yeah.

- And I would practice
saying equestrian.

- Equestrian.

- Kandy knows how
to read a bitch.

I think the only thing she
needs to do is articulate.

She just needs to slow it down.

Not to change any of
her Kandy Muse-isms,

but just for us to
understand her better.

- I think what you need
to work on is that pacing.

Enunciation.

- Enunciation.
- Equestrian.

- Equestrian.
- Yeah.

- I know sometimes when
I get really excited,

I can talk really fast.

See you tomorrow.
- Bye.

- So I'm going to pace myself,
I'm going to enunciate,

and I'm going to let time
for the laugh to settle in.

Look who's here.

- Hi.

- Hi, Alexis.
- Hi.

Are you prepared?
- Yes.

- We struggled a little bit.

- What are you talking about?

Your last time.

- Yeah, not seeing it.

There's nowhere to go
but up from there.

- That's a really good way
to think.

- Yeah.
- It is.

- All right, so hit it.

- You know, growing up
I think that every little girl

wishes for nothing more
in the world than a pony,

and Carson was no different.

How lucky you were to be born
into a family of equestrians.

Those are people
who ride horses.

And learn to ride you did.

But we are so glad that you're
a fixture here at Drag Race

and love you and your passion
for breeding horses

and for being bred by whores.

Mwah.

- Yay.

- I feel like this is a wedding
toast a little bit, Alexis.

I think it was more storytelling

than it was roast.

And though we appreciate
storytelling,

it has to be funny.

- There has to be a kind of
attention driving it forward.

So all the setups need
to be tightened up more.

- Think of editing, Alexis.
- Yes.

- And roast.

- Alexis is going more
of a storytelling route,

which is good
if we're at a campfire.

But at this campfire,
there needs to be a roast.

Put on your running shoes
and get to the point.

- All right. Good luck.
- Bye.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye.

Yay.
- Hello.

- Jimbo.

- Good afternoon.

It's nice to meet you.

- Have you ever had
to do a roast before?

- No.
- OK.

- How do you feel about it?

- I'm not much of a cook either,

so I haven't done
a lot of roasting

in any sense of the word.

- So let's talk about
what you're going to do.

Let's hear what
you're going to do.

- Let's talk "aboot"
what he's gonna do.

- Talk "aboot" what
you're going to do.

- OK, so I wanted to channel

some of my Canada's Drag Race
Snatch Game winning performance

of Joan Rivers.

- OK.
Risky.

My gosh,
it's me Joan goddamn Rivers.

And who dragged me
out of my fucking grave

for this shit show?

Michelle Visage.

Michelle Visage
is sucking more dick

than Carson
at a Richard convention.

- At a what convention?

- Richard.

As in like Richard, Dicks.

Not clear.

- Not clear.

I thought that one
was a stretch.

It was going to be...
That was a thinker.

- You can think of what to
put in there for a convention.

- OK, I'll think
of something else.

- Any place there's
a lot of dicks.

My goodness me.

Jessica Wild is such a slut,
you've got to fuck her

with her legs crossed.

- She's got what?

- You have to fuck her
with her legs crossed.

I know, that one's a little
bit too close to the truth,

I think.
- I don't even get it.

- Well, because like if you want
to make something tighter,

you cross it.

- Is that true?
- It's actually true.

- OK.

I guess I should try that.

- OK, so is that one
a hit or a miss?

- No.
- You know what?

It's funny after you explain it,

but if you need to
explain it, like...

- Don't be too smart for the...

- Joan was never ambiguous
in her punchlines.

If that's what
you're channeling,

she's going to have a more
clear punchline than that.

- Blatant.
- Yeah.

- OK.

Then, um...

- You are representing
a national treasure.

- Yeah.

- Especially for queer people.

- Yeah.

- You've got to lay it all
out here and deliver Joan.

- Yeah.

- Let's do this.

Let's roasty roast
roast each other.

- Ooh, I'm going to
fucking roast you, bitch.

Girls, girls, girls.

- Today we're getting ready for
our roast of Carson Kressley

and I am feeling a bit
nervous, because I didn't

really receive a lot
of positive feedback

in my coaching session.

Do you think Joan Rivers
would wear this?

- It's definitely
Jimbo does Joan.

- I'm just wondering if my tits
are going to be too big.

Playing an iconic comedian
comes with

really high expectations
like, you know,

don't sully her legacy
or don't disappoint America.

If I can't deliver jokes

that are even half as good
as Joan's,

I could be landing into
the bottom for the first time.

Yikes.

Yikes, yikes, yikes.

- With all of my jokes,
I had to like

trim a lot of my shit out.

Like, I had stories.

I had to cut all the stories.

Just had to like trim
all the fat

to get to the landing sooner.

- After my workshop
with Michelle and Alec,

it's clear that some
of my storytelling

needs to come out entirely,
which I get.

So I made my set
as punchy as I could

and I'm just going to trust

in my hostess with
the mostest vibes.

And hopefully
I'll surprise everybody.

- Girl, even if I won the first
time, that don't mean shit.

I'm still nervous.
- Yeah.

Even when we are excited about
our challenge, it's difficult.

- That's very true.

- Fucking lying bitch.
- What?

- Y'all, Jimbo likes to pretend

she doesn't know
what the fuck she's doing.

She's a liar.

- Did you guys know
Kandy was such a bitch

before you started
to work with her...

- Yeah.
- Or did you find out here?

What the hell?

- We knew.
- Her reputation precedes her.

- Jimbo's ready to
roast all of us.

- Yeah, she got fo...
- She says, fuck Carson.

It's you hos we're coming after.

- Has anybody seen my daughter?

Her name is Debbie
and she's nude.

My God.

Drag queens?

My God.

My God!

It's Katya.

The icon, the legend.

What is going on?

- Hi gorge.

Mwah, mwah.

- I was like, they're not
going to even know who I am.

- How are you?
- Jessica Wild.

- I hope this bitch
is not here to compete.

Look at that outfit. No.

- Are you joining
the competition?

- Yes, I'm the fifth contestant.

- Shut up.

- We knew there was
going to be a top five.

- We knew that.
- Well, with this dog show,

you need a little bit
of glamour.

As you all know,
I am a professional

working comedian
making people laugh.

- What is your advice for us?

- First I have to ask you
some questions.

- OK.

- Would you guys fuck anybody
in the competition?

- Yes.
- Ask Alexis that.

- Have you?

- No, but I would.
- Who?

- I really had it for LaLa
when she was here.

- LaLa Ri?
- Yeah, but honestly,

like, I never thought
that I would feel this way,

but I'm, like, taking quite
a shine to our Kandy over there.

My God.

- Now Kandy, how does
that make you feel?

- You know, in a competition
where you have no porn

and your imagination runs wild,
I'm fine with that.

- Kandy is radiant and special.

And now that
we made an agreement

to look out for each other,
I feel even closer to her.

She just takes my breath away.

I think she is beautiful.

Do you get along with them?

No.

They're a bunch of dirty whores.

- Well, the dirty's fine, but
the whoring is just too much.

- Yeah.
It's too close to home.

- I thought Katya was here
to give us some

sage words of advice,
but she's being

a little Nancy Drew,
interrogating us all.

- Now, what's the drama been?

Who do you think has
the biggest penis here?

What's the real tea?

Kandy, I think you
should fight someone.

Shady little bitch.

- In a roast, typically you go...

You cross the line.
- Yeah.

- Some of us
it's our first roast.

- I would encourage
you all please

to try to make each other cry.

I love it when people
just try to get nasty.

It's a roast.

It's not a sauté.

- Yeah.

- I don't consider myself
a classic joke teller.

I just know one joke.

And I told this joke
to like a crowd

of I think, like, 1,000 people
once and nobody laughed.

And I laughed so hard
because nobody laughed.

What did the gay necrophiliac
say about his ex-lover?

- What?

That rotten asshole
split on me again.

- How could nobody laugh?
- See? I don't know.

I mean...
- Tough crowd.

- Yeah, yeah.

- OK, ladies, remember,
drag is all about being fierce,

having fun,
and if you fail, you're a loser.

- Thanks, Katya.

- No pressure, no pressure,

but you'll be dragged online
for the rest of your lives

if you do anything wrong.

Oy.

Security.

- Just slithering her way out.

- You know, I think that
Katya came into this workroom

with the goal of
telling us some advice.

I don't know how much advice
she actually gave us.

- That's the most fashionable
cockroach I've ever seen.

- Yes, honey.

- Welcome to the main stage of
"RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars."

Michelle Visage,

when's the last time
you were spit roasted?

Picture it.

Sicily, 1989.

I'm backstage with Milli Vanilli

and, well, you know the rest.

Our man of the hour,

style superstar Carson Kressley.

Carson, have you ever
been roasted?

- Well, if you mean
spit roasted, yes.

And if you mean made fun of
in public, also a yes.

Aww.

Poor me.

- Well, you ain't
seen nothing yet.

This week we challenged
our queens to roast

the one and only
Carson Kressley.

All Stars, start your engines,

and may the best drag queen win.

Carson Kressley,
this is your big gay life.

Coming to the stage first,
Alexis Michelle.

- Hello and welcome to the
roast of Carson Kressley.

I'm thrilled to be here tonight
in this fantastic top four.

Jimbo, you are so amazing.

And those tits?

The only thing bigger than
those tits are your ears.

And the only thing bigger
than those is Kandy's ego.

No, but Kandy,
you should probably stay here

at Drag Race forever 'cause
you have a face

that only our mom,
RuPaul, could love.

Jessica, I love you so much,

but you know what would be
the biggest escandalo?

If you won this competition.

Michelle Visage,
ravishing as always.

- Thank you.

- The beard cover's
working great.

- Thank you.

- Our guest of honor,
Carson Kressley.

Yeah.

- Please, sit down, sit down.

- Now, Carson is
from Pennsylvania,

where people travel
across state lines

to buy illegal fireworks.

And yet, Carson, you are still

the biggest flamer
to leave the state.

Carson, you first entered
our hearts on "Queer Eye."

Then you hosted "How to Look
Good Naked," which you don't.

Then you hosted "Wrap Battle."

Girl, these credits.

You know, you don't have
to say yes to everything.

You're also an
accomplished author

with titles like

"Does This Book
Make My Butt Look Big?"

Honey, nothing could make
that flat ass look big.

Thank you, everybody.

You've been an amazing audience.

And let me welcome to the stage
our next roaster,

Jessica Wild.

- Hello, beautiful people.

And Michelle Visage.

It's an honor for me to be here

at this amazing
Carson Kressley roast,

because he already
looked like a roast chicken.

I want to start with
a thank you.

Thank you, RuPaul,
for open the doors

to gentlemens like this...

To follow their dreams.

Can I get an amen up in here?

Amen.

- Hallelujah!

- But now Carson Kressley.

Carson is a multifaceted artist.

Or that's what he think he is.

Carson is a television host,

actor, writer, producer.

And this is the funniest one.

A dancer.

- He is also in love
with horses.

And I am not talking about
your face, Alexis Michelle.

Ooh!

- The name of his bunny,
it was Sparky.

I think Carson's drag name
should be Sparky's Visage.

Yes.

- In honor of his
two favorite animals.

I don't know what the hell is
Carson doing here as a judge,

because he should be here
as a contestant.

Behind that stiff face,
he's full of charisma.

He have uniqueness because
no one wants to look like him.

He had the nerves to participate

in "Dancing With The Stars."

And last, he have
the talent to make us

believe that he have talent.

- Love you so much, Carson.

I never watched
any of your stuff,

but as soon as I get out of
here, I'm still not watching.

Thank you so much.

Now the bulldog
with extra blood,

Miss Kandy Muse.

- Thank you, Jessica.

We understood
every single word you said.

From up north,
we have Miss Jimbo.

Jimbo's breastplate is so big
that when she turns

to the side, bitch,
she creates a capital P.

All titties, no ass, bitch.

No ass.

I will say, though, Jimbo, your
drag does look very expensive.

But by the looks
of those lip syncs,

clearly money
can't buy you talent.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Ooh, it's a roast, bitch.
It's a roast.

And of course,
we have the Broadway diva,

Miss Alexis Michelle.

The only thing that cries
more than Alexis Michelle

is Ginger Minj at the buffet

when the crab legs are finished.

- Now of course,
our "amazing" panel of judges.

Michelle Visage.

- Yes.

- She is so talented,
I hope that one day

I get to recognize
one of her many hit songs.

- Speaking of hit song,
hey, RuPaul.

Mother Ru, do I love you.

You know, she is like
your grandfather

that you know is going
to die real soon.

But the bitch is
a great actress.

I will tell you that.

She is such a good actor that
she can sit up here weekly

and still find something nice
to say about Alexis Michelle.

Now on to the queen of the
night, Miss Carson Kressley.

Yes.

Carson, you know, you and I
have a lot more in common

than you think.

I love ketamine.

You're an equestrian.

Now, I must ask
the room a question

and you have to answer me
honestly, OK?

- OK.

- How many of you in here knew
that Carson was an author?

No, bitch, neither did I.
That's the thing.

I don't know either.
I didn't know either.

That's been my roast.

If you loved it, thank you.

If you didn't, kiss my
motherfucking ass, bitch.

- There you have it.
- All right.

Now give it up for Miss Jimbo!

Get ready, because Joan Rivers
is coming to the main stage

to roast everybody
and I'm just hoping

that I don't get burned.

Welcome back to
Carson Kressley's big gay life.

- Thank you, thank you,
thank you so, so much

for all being here tonight.

My God, I didn't realize
I was coming back from the dead

to go right to the zoo.

Jesus Christ.

Kandy Muse,
thank you, thank you.

Living proof that
Hooked on Phonics

does not work for everybody.

My God, she's trying though.

You know, Kandy Muse
is such a bitch,

you have to let her smell
your goddamn hand

before you get too close.

She is.

She is. She is.

But speaking of
hairy, hairy beasts,

let's hear it for
Miss Jessica Wild, everybody.

Jessica Wild's pussy
is so hairy,

every time she shaves it,
PETA gets a complaint.

I'm telling you, it's true.

And not only that,
she is so full of shit,

she makes
RuPaul's diaper jealous.

She does.

She is more full of shit

than Alexis Michelle's mouth
at Folsom Days.

My goodness gracious.

But seriously though,
I'm no gynecologist,

but I know a twat
when I see one.

Hello, Michelle Visage.

My goodness.

You know, Michelle, you remind
me of my favorite director,

John Waters.

You both have a little mustache,
a big dick,

and you're friends with
a nasty drag queen.

And speaking of whores,
hello, hello, hello RuPaul.

My God, my dear old friend.

RuPaul is so old, you know why
that desk is so big?

It's to hide a catheter

and the little scooter
she rides in on.

This bitch is old.

- Now for the woman
of the evening.

Everybody, let's hear it for
Ellen DeGeneres, everybody.

Ellen.

My God.

You look horrible, Ellen.

You look like you've
been sucking on the end

of a vacuum cleaner.

What is wrong with that face?

I'm just joking.
I'm joking, of course.

We're here to honor
Tilda Swinton, everybody.

Grow up, grow up, grow up.

But seriously though,
Carson loves horses.

His first pony was
a little pony named Sparky.

And you know,
they had so much in common.

They both have
a fucking horse face.

Look at you.

Carson enters the room
teeth first.

And I should know.

My daughter Melissa has
a horse face just like you.

When my daughter Melissa
was bad,

I didn't threaten her
with boarding school.

I threatened her with
the goddamn glue factory.

And that's where you're headed
when RuPaul is done with you.

I want to thank everybody
so much.

This has been the roast of
the crypt keeper, everybody.

I'm headed back to my crypt now.

Thank you all so very much

and good night,
good night everybody.

Thank you.

Grow up.
Come on.

Shut up.

Thank you.

- But wait.

Carson,
there's one more queen...

That wants to say hello.

From "Secret Celebrity
Drag Race,"

it's your number one fan,
Jackie Would.

My God.

- Hello darlings,
hello darlings.

- Gorgeous.
- There she is.

- I know what you're thinking.

Who is this vision in floral?

Well, yes, underneath all of
this glamour and this artistry

is an interior designer
named Thom Filicia.

Yes, Carson Kressley's cohost
on "Queer Eye."

I want to start by saying
I am not

going to piss all over you,
Carson.

I'm going to leave that to
the hookers in Palm Springs.

And Carson, when we were first
filming the original

"Queer Eye," he came out the
night before our first episode

and he was really
nervous about it.

He was like, I'm going to
come out to my parents.

I was like, that's like
ice coming out as cold

or grass coming out as green

or Michelle Visage coming out
as a cheap slut.

These are things
we know, people.

These are things we know.

As you know, Carson competed
on "Dancing With the Stars."

Though I do think the words
"dancing" and "stars"

were used very loosely.

Very loosely.

And when we were on "Queer Eye,"
our theme song was

"All Things
Just Keep Getting Better."

And when I look at your career,
Carson, I just think, do they?

I'd just like to say
thank you, good night,

and we love you, Carson.
- Aww.

- Muah.
We love you.

- Category is snow bunny.

Up first, Alexis Michelle.

- Ladies and gentleman,
anti-freeze.

- My snow bunny is a girl
who's away for the weekend.

Definitely isn't going
to put on a pair of skis.

But she loves the hot tub.

- She's vacationing
in the Swish Alps.

- She's packing, as they say.

- I'm serving cutesy girl
with a touch of prostitute.

So you know, on brand.

And I've got all the panties
I need in this bag.

- Is that a ball in your train,

or are you just happy to see us?

- Cindy Lou, who is she?

- Snowbody knows, Ru.

Jessica Wild.

She's giving me
nookie of the North.

- I'm ready to hit the slopes
in my beautiful blue coat.

This winter is so cold,

no matter that I'm hot inside.

- Doctor She-vago.

- She put the ho in Tahoe.

- Soy muy caliente,

but I'm ready to cuddle up
beside the fire.

- I like the goggles, but
I'd like to see the poles too.

- Honey, it's all
downhill from here.

- What a flake.

- Kandy Muse.

- Baby, it's snow bunny time.

I am giving you a three piece
covered in crystal moment.

- Hi... pothermia.

- Bitch, I'm ice style.

These diamonds are
keeping me frozen, bitch.

Bling bling.

That's what I call a ski bum.

- Now this is why
the polar caps are melting.

- Ooh!

My gosh, look at that ass-pen.

- Where has that ass-been?

- You know how she
keeps her wig on?

- How?
- Igloo.

Up next, Jimbo.

- I am wearing a stripped
cock feather extravaganza.

I am tucked and plucked
and feeling fabulous.

- It's Joey Featherton.

- It's like a down jacket
in reverse.

- You know, I'm from Canada,
and we love our snow.

So I am repping
for all the snowballs

that get tossed around.

Who doesn't like a good,
heavy set of snowballs?

- Go tell it on her mountains.

- You know, I always say
chicken doesn't freeze well.

- Well, she clearly
doesn't give a flock.

Welcome, queens,

and say hello to our
extra special guest judge,

Thom Filicia.
- Hi.

- AKA, Jackie Would.

- Thom, if you ever end up
in New York City...

Call me.

- Now it's time for
the judges' critiques.

Starting with Alexis Michelle.

- Alexis, I think going first
is very difficult.

It can sometimes hurt
somebody because

you do have to warm up
the audience.

You had some great jokes.

You were just mean enough
for a roast.

- Kandy, you should probably
stay here at Drag Race forever,

because you have a face

that only our mom,
RuPaul, could love.

- It was still fun and light,

but I think it also maybe needed

more of a point of view to come
out there with guns blazing.

- You got laughs.
You were funny.

But the laughs were minimal
as it went on comparatively.

And all we can do really
is compare at this point.

- You were fantastic.

Just you didn't have as many
laughs as the other girls.

- But throughout
this competition,

the changes that you've made
to get better and stronger

have been very, very apparent.

This look tonight,
this is beautiful.

This is a different hair.
You've never done this before.

It's just so refreshing
to see you exploring.

- And I love any girl who has
the optimism

of traveling with overnight bags
because that's just saying

I'm pretty sure
I'm going to hook up.

- Up next, Jessica Wild.

- Hi.

- Now, that is how
you do a roast.

You walk on the stage
with confidence

and lean into all of your
own natural personality.

- I think Carson's drag name
should be Sparky's Visage.

- Yes.

- In honor of his
two favorite animals.

- You just were zinging them
left and right.

And when you made fun of us,

it went over
really, really well.

- This look I love.

I love the glamour of it.

It's almost like
a 1940s movie wardrobe

that someone would waltz
into the chalet in.

- And what I love about the look

is that you have this
kind of glamorous cape.

But really underneath
is a ski onesie

that you could actually
pull off on the slopes.

Really, really just top notch.

- You know, it's been
so exciting to watch you

evolve over all these years.

The looks that you've given,
the confidence you have,

and you're so funny, but you're
never the butt of the joke.

You are in charge of the joke.

You should be very
proud of yourself.

- Thank you.

- Up next, Kandy Muse.

- What is the tea, honeybee?

- I gave you one note
and the note was

enunciate and slow it down.

I thought you did a good job,

a better job
with the enunciation.

Now, you weren't letting
the room breathe.

So what was happening is
as people were laughing

and you carried on, we couldn't
hear setups to other things.

So I kind of felt you going,
OK, if they didn't laugh,

you were on to the next one,
which you should be.

But I saw you spinning
a little bit.

- You literally command
a room and an audience.

- Jimbo, your drag does
look very expensive.

But by the looks
of those lip syncs,

clearly money
can't buy you talent.

- Ooh.
- And if a joke didn't work...

- Ooh, it's a roast, bitch.
It's a roast.

- You told them you were
the boss of this room.

- Tonight,
this is so you, Kandy.

What I love the most
is you're going,

bitch, I'm going
to wear a moon boot

and you stoned
the hell out of it.

I mean, I love it.

- You're like this naughty
baby doll goes to Telluride.

It's sort of like
don't come a-knocking

when this gondola
starts rocking.

- I love that bikini
that's connected

to your cummerbund style corset.

It's like a little drawbridge.

You just unhook it,
let down the drawbridge,

and the party starts.

- Up next, Jimbo.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.

- So Jimbo, you rolled the
dice and took a big risk

by doing a set
as one of the greatest comics

to ever walk
the face of the Earth.

The moment you walked out
I thought, no,

she is not doing a roast
as Joan Rivers.

But you embodied her spirit.

- It was a huge, huge payoff.

- Yes.

- We almost felt like
we had her back for a minute.

- Thank you.

- The point you were on stage,
I was backstage.

And I'm thinking
that Joan Rivers

is actually in the studio.

I could not believe
what I was hearing.

- Can we talk?
- Yes, let's talk.

- This I love.
This is like a snow squall.

Because when
you're on the runway,

it's moving like
a quick snowstorm.

You have that Hunger Games
fantastical hair

with stones in it.

It's cool, it's modern,
it's fantastic drag.

- Thank you.

- This outfit, beyond gorgeous.

And you were so funny.

The Joan Rivers legacy
lives on through you

and through all of us
through our laughter.

Tonight's roast
was an honor to watch.

You were so funny.

- Thank you.

Thank you so much, I should say.

- Well, thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

We've reached that point
in the competition

where you're either the top
All Star of the week

or you are in the bottom.

- Ladies, based on
the judges' critiques,

I've made some decisions.

Jimbo, condragulations.

You're the top
All Star of the week.

My goodness gracious.

I'm so, so grateful.

- You've won a cash prize
of $5,000.

- Thank you.

- Alexis,

Jessica,

Kandy.

I'm sorry, my dears,

but you are the bottom All Stars
of the week.

Thank you, All Stars.

Delicious House Of Love
canned cocktails and mocktails

are chilled and waiting for you
in the Werk Room.

Everybody say love.

Love.

- You may leave the stage.

- So there's one top
and three bottoms,

which ordinarily would be a
good time, but not on tonight.

This is tough.

- I know I'm in
the bottom three,

but I had a good critiques

and I hope these bitches
doesn't pick my lipstick,

because I don't deserve it.

But I know anything can happen.

- I'm in the bottom three and,
baby, it's a scary feeling.

At this point,
I hope I can count on

my alliance with Jimbo

and my strategy with the group
will save me.

- Baby, this one is not easy

because both of these girls,

they are sickening
and they deserve

to be in the top three.

So I'm going to make my decision

based on the judges' critiques.

You are the best.
Te amo.

- Kandy and I had
a discussion last week

and made an agreement
to look out for each other.

This one hurts the most.

I hope I can count on Kandy
to stay good on our agreement.

I told her
I'm a woman of my word

and I hope she will
be one of hers too.

- Look, I made a pact with
Alexis to keep my ass here.

But bitch, some of the choices
she's made in this game

make me feel like
I can't trust you.

So right now my vote
is solely based on

how well are you doing
in the competition.

Look, it's a box
with my name on it.

Maybe it's a new puppy.

Wow.

What should I do?

Why don't I just pick them all?

That would be fun.

All right, Jimbo,
stop playing around.

This is serious.

I've had an alliance with
Kandy this whole time

and now is the time to save her.

But sometimes I think Kandy
is here for Kandy, period.

And I wonder if
role was reversed,

would you look out for me?

Welcome back.

Jimbo, you've never
looked more beautiful.

Wow.

I've been waiting for a while
to hear you say that.

- Are you ready
to meet your opponent?

- Yeah?

- It's time to present

this week's Lip Sync Assassin.

- Girl, is that Violet Chachki?

Christ.

Ruveal yourself.

- It's a giant.

- Come on, leopard print.

- It's the corpse
of the hound, baby.

- It's Shea Couleé!

- Lip Sync Assassin.

Silky is a real
Lip Sync Assassin.

She killed on
"All Stars" season six.

So I'm pretty sure
Jimbo is like, fuck.

- Welcome back,
Silky Nutmeg Ganache.

- Thank you for having me,
Mama Ru.

- Are you ready to slay?

- You want me to go
light or easy, baby?

- Would you mind going
quite light on me?

I've had quite a tough time here
winning these.

- It's just about
to get tougher.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Two queens stand before me.

Ladies, Silky holds the lipstick

of the queen that the group
has voted to send home.

If Silky wins, the queen
on her lipstick gets the chop.

Jimbo, this is your chance
to impress me, win $10,000.

Wow.

- And earn the power

to give one of
the bottom queens the chop.

The time has come for you
to lip sync for...

Your legacy.

Good luck,

and don't fuck it up.

You hungry, mama?

- Yes, Jimbo!

- Jimbo!

- Brava.

Bravo, bravo.

- I've made my decision.

Jimbo.
- What?

- Condragulations,
you're a winner, baby.

- Yoo-hoo!

Yes, finally.

- You have finally won
a cash tip of $10,000.

- Yes.

- That's going to
be so much bologna.

- Silky Nutmeg Ganache,

your pussy remains
an eternal flame.

Thank you.

- Please step to the back
of the stage.

- Bitch, this is going down
in history.

I lost to Jimbo.

- Now will the bottom queens
please step forward?

Jessica, Alexis, Kandy.

Whoever gets the chop tonight

will be immediately entered
into the online Fame Games.

Jimbo.
- Yeah.

- With great power comes
great responsibility.

Which queen have you chosen
to get the chop?

- This decision
was very difficult

because I love this person.

But I had to go on
what the judges said

and the track record.

So the sister
I'm sending home is...

Alexis.

- As it is written,
so it shall be done.

Alexis Michelle,

you are and will always be
an All Star.

You're leaving us tonight,

but the Fame Games
have just begun.

Now sashay away.

- Thank you for letting me
be a part of your family.

Being eliminated,
it feels like a gut punch.

When you've been giving
something your all

and it gets ripped away,
it's shocking.

But I feel so proud,

because as far
as the competition goes,

I left it all on the floor.

I used every muscle
and talent that I have

and I did
what I came here to do,

except snatch the crown.

- I'm just so sorry.

- But now it's time
to set my sights

on the Queen of the Fame Games.

I've got my panties
and I'm taking them with me.

Love you, Alexis.

- Condragulations, All Stars.

And remember,
if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell are you going
to love somebody else?

Can I get an amen up in here?

Amen.

- All right,
now let the music play.

- Next time on "All Stars"...

- I remember that Alexis
last week,

she told LaLa she was going
to save her and didn't.

I'm not going to forget that.

- For this week's
Maxi Challenge,

you need to transform
our lesbian sisters

into fabulous drag queens.

Hello.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Do you like it?

Um...

I'm not feeling
the clown fantasy looks.

- You are kitty cat.

So be like...

Meow, sexy.

My poor kitty.

My pussy is scared.

Ruveal yourself.

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