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( country music playing )

Man #1: * There's a place
I know, come along with me *

Man #2: Just break
some laws and get in free *

* Three hots and a cot
* An orange jump suit

* Your name's a number
* Ain't that a hoot

* Throw out that list
of things to do *

* The State's got
plans for you *

* Let's go to prison

* Stir...

* Let's go to prison

* Now, it's corrections officer,
not called a guard *

* Now, won't you kids
go play in the yard? *

* Yeah, walk an earth circle
or lift some weights *

* Might get lucky,
might get some dates *

* Ain't talking hoops
when I say man-on-man *

* Zone defense,
do what you can *

* Let's go to prison
* Big house

* Let's go to prison

* Yeah

* Lock 'em

* Trading smokes
for toilet booze *

* Snitch give you up
to the screws *

* Bought yourself
some time in the hole *

* They'll throw you a Bible
to save your soul *

* Oh ho ho, Lord...

* Doing a nickel
* Doing a dime

* You know you're innocent

* You didn't do the crime

* This place takes patience
* You will find

* But as long as we're here

Together: * Just have
a good time *

* In Angola,
Attica, Sing Sing **

* Let's go to prison,
come on, now *

* San Quentin, Tehachapi
* You know you wanna go

* It's called prison

* Let's go, let's go
* Red Wing, Alcatraz

* Let's go!

John: Our justice system sucks.

Man #2:
I'm a bad man.

You know there are over two
million Americans behind bars?

That's a little larger
than the population of Houston.

( cheering )

Every year there are enough
children born in prison

to fill
250 Little League teams

Enough people
are raped in prison

to fill a stadium
more than three times.

Can you picture that?

Three stadiums full of people
raping each other?

I know I can.

My name's John Lyshitski.

I just got out of prison.

I don't know.

Do you have
anything bigger?

Yeah, that's
more like it.

If I had a nickel for every
time I've been incarcerated,

I'd have 15 cents.

It all started
when I was eight years old.

I stole the Publishers
Clearinghouse Prize Patrol van.

Thought there'd be
a million bucks inside.

Where's the check?
Where's the check?

Wait! Wait!

They caught me when I tried
to cash the giant check.

That was the first time
I met Judge Nelson Biederman,

who changed my life
with the magic word...

Guilty.

You see, Johnny,
the reason we have

all these rules
and laws to live by

is so we can help guide
all the little boys

with big dreams and a chance
for a bright future

and so that we could help
protect them

from worthless scum like you.

Seven years,
juvenile detention.

And with that,
Judge Biederman began my trip

through the justice machine.

The machine works.

It took me,
a confused child,

and turned me
into a for-real, no-shit felon.

Hey, hit the ground,
motherfuckers,

or I'll fill you full
of more holes

than the Asshole Day Parade.

There's an Asshole Day Parade?

Motherfucker--
Biederman: Guilty

Four years...

and if being a moron
were a crime, Mr. Lyshitski,

you would never see
the light of day again.

I got out again
when I was 24.

Then that same ass wipe,
Judge Biederman,

sent me back
when I was 24 1/2.

Four to seven years,

and next time you steal a car,
Mr. Lyshitski,

check to see if there are
lights on the roof.

You like that one?

I'm out again,

and I intend to spread
the pain around...

starting
with His Honor himself.

Take him down
piece by piece.

Kick off his dog,
strangle his cat,

shit in his pillowcase,
burn down his garage.

Then I'll get
really creative.

Hello.

Hi, is this
the Municipal Courthouse?

Great.
My name is Ken...

Kennedy.

I'm calling
from the Chicago Tribune.

Yes, we're doing
a story down here

on some of the city's
longest serving public figures,

and we would love to see
Judge Nelson Biederman III

at work.

So could you tell us
which times this week

that he would be
on the bench?

Uh-huh.

And how long ago
did you say that he died?

Three days!

Fuck!

Who's got
a six-letter synonym
for "deprived of"?

"Robbed."

Anybody wanna buy me
a champagne drink?

How 'bout a fancy beer?

Fifteen bucks
for a lap dance.

Yeah, I'm not that horny.
I just got outta prison.

Holy shit.
Nelson Biederman IV.

I guess when
one door slams shut,

another one swings open.

Well, look out Nelly.

You're about
to meet the other man

your father helped raise.

Crimes are everywhere.

They're in our parks.
They're in our streets.

And they're in our schools.

That's why I need you
to be part...

Where the hell
are you guys?!

Why the hell
do I have to be here
if you don't?

Yeah, I know
he was my father.

Thanks for
the fucking news flash.

Don't gimme that shit,
Duane.

Hello, Nelly.

I give you now
the new chairman

of the Biederman Foundation

whose generosity
has made this all possible--

Nelson Biederman IV.

( applause )

Want to thank you all
for attending this honorarium

for my dear departed Daddy.

Now, boys and girls...

are you ready
to have your minds blown?

What do you got, Nelson?

A lot of people didn't think
that this neighborhood

needed a $7,000,000
original Yoko Ono.

Well, those people
didn't grow up on these streets.

And maybe I didn't either,

but I am forced
to drive through here

on my way to the airport,
and I believe

that anything that I can do
make your lives and my drive

more beautiful
is worth doing.

That's why I,
Nelson Biederman IV,

in honor of my late father,

officially declare
Judge Nelson Biederman III Park

open.

( applause )

( retching noise )

Duane: ( on cell phone )
Biederman Foundation?
Duane!

Oh! Hello?
It's me--Nelson.

Who is this?
Nelson!

Listen to me, Duane.
That is the last time
I got to one of those

goddamned events
with Sergeant Barker!

Excuse me, who?
Nelson: Sergeant Barker!

The dog that hates
crack and stuff.

Listen to me, Duane,

I'm gonna be in the office
in half an hour.

When I get there,
there better be a Fresca
waiting for me.

And when I say Fresca,
I mean Fresca.

It better not be a Fanta

or a Sprite or a Bubble Up
or a 7-Up.

I want it to be
a fucking Fresca!

Do you understand me?!
Yes, sir.

( dance music plays )

* Yo, come on, move this

* Shake that body

* Shake that body

* Shake that body

Oh my, look at this.

* People don't you know

* Don't you know--
by the time *

( forgets lyrics )
* Can you hear the...
* Jam is pumpin'

* While you taste
the piece of mine *
Mine!

* Many different flavors
and the spice is strong *
Strong!

* Get into the hot stuff,
let me pour a little on *
Tone!

* Baby let me show you
how to do this *
...do this.

* You've got to move this

( gasping )
* You're feelin' fine

* There's nothing to it
You've gotta groove it *

( gasps )
* Come on and move this
Shake that body for me *

( hyperventilating )
* People don't you know
Don't you know *

* It's about time
Can't you hear the jam... *

( brakes screech )

( music stops )

( gasping )

( screams )

( inhales deeply )

No! No!

( screams )

Look at this.

Old Nelson the 4th's
got his pinkie caught

in the same machine
his daddy threw me into.

The boys in the legal department
think the best course of action

would be for you
to plead guilty,

plea bargain to keep this
as quiet as possible,

and step down
as Chairman of the Foundation.

Well, you tell the boys
in the legal department

that they are
a bunch of dip shits

because I am innocent!

Well, apparently the police
have a videotape of you

committing the crime.

Nelson: You or one of those
other cadaverous

bag of bone a-holes
sitting at that table

better strap on
a goddamn piss bag,

get down here
and get me outta here,

or you're all
gonna be replaced.

You got it, Duane!

I'll buy this place
and have it burned
to the ground.

Well, should we
call the governor?

He owes us one.

That would get him out.
Does anybody here
want him out?

( clears throat )
Okay.

( sighs )
How about this?

I will represent Nelson
with the help of our
Dip Shit Department.

Super!

( jail door slams )

Case Number 9741.

The State of Illinois
v. Nelson Perth Biederman IV.

The honorable
Judge Eva Fwae-Wun presiding.

( whispers )
Just tell 'em
what you think.

Okay. Should--

Permission to approach,
your honor?

Judge: What is it,
Mr. Biederman?

Look, I'm gonna be frank.

Off the record...

You knew my father.

I've assembled
the finest legal team
that money can buy.

Those guys...

You got better things to do,
I got better things to do.

We both know all I'm gonna get
is a slap on the old wrist

and a formal apology
and a case of champagne
from the Governor.

Why don't we all just try
to move this thing along

as quickly as possible.

Well, Mr. Biederman,
off the record...

I am going
to hurry this along,

but it's because
people like you
make me sick,

and I don't your Drakkar Noir
stinkin' up my court room.

Prosecution,
present your case!

The three scariest words
in the English language...

trial by jury.

( screaming )

Juries are made of
twelve people who are so dumb

they couldn't even
think up an excuse

to get out of jury duty.

I'm just proud to be part of
the American judicimal system.

I mean, uh, judaical.

I was so happy to be picked
for jury duty.

It's like watching Court TV,

except I'm in the TV!

It's just like the boy
from Willa Wonka.

Before my daddy died,
he taught me one thing...

See the thumb goes away.
Comes back.

Judaical system? No...

Jewidecimal System.
That ain't right.

( screaming )

Mr. Hinkley?

Oh yeah?

You may proceed
with your defense.

Watch this.
( laughs )

Ah, ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

you've all seen Jurassic Park,
and yet you're aware that

Jeff Goldblum has never actually
been attacked by dinosaurs.

Even though you've seen it
with your own eyes

on a TV not unlike...
that one.

( sighs )
( murmuring )

I rest my case.

( laughs )

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

have you reached a verdict?

Yes, we have your honor.

We the jury
find the defendant

Nelson Biederman...

quilty.

Judge: You mean "guilty"?

Oh, yeah.

Well, it kinda looked like
it was a Q.

Nelson Biederman,
you've been found guilty

of felony assault.

I sentence you to
three to five years

in the Rossmore State
Correctional Facility.

( gavel strikes )
This court is adjourned.

Woo!

Fuck. Fuck...

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

( screams )

Nelson Biederman IV
is gonna get beaten,

tortured, raped,
psychologically abused

and raped some more by
the so-called justice system.

So why am I not happy?

I feel like it's prom night

and everyone else
is porking my date.

I'm gonna have a heart attack
if you don't give me...

( mumbling on TV )

Hey, John, you okay?

You seem sorta...
uh...

Clinically depressed.

Yeah...

I don't know, guys.

Don't you ever wonder
if there's more to life

than smoking grass
and watching guys get arrested

on TV?

I got some coke.

( knocks on door )

Hey, you John?

Uh, we're here
to buy some pot.

Yeah, man.
A friend said
you'd hook us up.

Friend Ben Franklin.

Any fella worth his salt
can smell undercover cops

from 20 paces.

And there's no way in hell
he'd do something crazy

like sell pot to them.

Unless, he actually
wanted to go to jail.

You guys should
probably take off.

What for?

Those two clowns
I just sold grass to
are cops.

You didn't buy that whole
Cheech and Chong routine,
did ya?

( banging on door )

Can't believe they fell for
the Cheech and Chong bit.

( more banging )

Police! Open up!

Come on, John!

I guess sometimes
when fate knocks on your door,

it has a search warrant.

Man: * I'm a bad man

I'll go to jail.
I'll get bunked up

with Nelson Biederman IV,
and I'll make sure

he gets the full treatment.

Yep, my whole life's
been leadin' up to this.

Guilty as hell.

Guilty?
Now if we could
discuss sentencing...

Save it, Lyshitski.
How does seven to ten
work for you?

Not as good as one to three.
Five to seven?

I'll settle for three to five,
but wait, there's more.

What's that?
I wanna do my time
in Rossmore.

You actually wanna go to
Rossmore Penitentiary? Why?

Three words, sister.
Location, location, location.

Hey.

John Lyshitski.

What's your name?

Nelson Biederman IV.

Where you headin'?

Prison.

( laughs )
Me too.

Tell you what.
We should be cell mates.

I don't snore and, uh,

I'm a pretty quiet
masturbator.

Hell, I'll even give you
the top bunk.

Thanks.

Thanks for talking
to me.

Last couple days
in the holding cell,

some of these...

gang members were really
giving me the cold shoulder.

It's inexcusable.

That's what I thought.

I mean, why be that way?

Welcome to your new home.

Let me start off by saying

that if any one of you
is innocent

just raise your hand,
and you'll be free to go.

( gasps )

That was my little joke.
( laughs )

I have a notoriously dry
sense of humor.

All right, here's how
it's gonna work.

If you make my life difficult,
I will make your life

exponentially more painful.

If you have a complaint,

all you have to do

write it down
on a piece of paper,

put it in an envelope,
and stick it up your asshole.

( laughs )

If you feel that you've been
treated unfairly,

write it neatly on some paper,
fold it up real good,

pull your cheeks apart,
and stick it up your asshole.

If you have comments
or suggestions

about how I run my prison,

or let's say maybe

the cuisine is not
to your liking.

Please, write a letter
to my office.

Just make sure
under return address,

you write the word
"asshole"

so that my head guard,
Mr. Shanahan,

can assist you
in pulling your cheeks apart

and sticking it up your asshole.

( laughs )
Come on, that was funny.

Guard: All right, move it out!

Cell 433. I want you
to sign right there.

Move off, Biederman.

Lyshitski, John Q.

Hello, Johnny,
how you doing?

Rooney. No glasses.
You got the surgery.
( laughs )

Yes, I did.

One Metallica t-shirt.
Master of Puppets.

One money clip.

I'd like to, uh,
room with Biederman.

Empty.

Cell Number 433.

Sign right there.

Can I get my old shit?

Give it to him.

So fate, with a little help
from every last nickel I had,

threw me into a cell with the
esteemed Nelson Biederman IV.

Today is the first day of
the rest of my beautiful life.

People think they can't imagine
what it feels like

to be in prison.

It's easy.

You know that bolt of fear
you get when you see

a cop's flashing red lights
in your rearview?

It makes you dizzy
and kinda sick to your stomach.

Now imagine feeling that
24 hours a day

while you're surrounded by
convicted killers

who feel the exact same way.

It would kinda put you
on edge, huh?

Well, that's life
in the machine.

Nobody's here to relax.

Once you're in,
there's only one quick way out.

In a body bag.

Dead man rolling!
Dead man rollin'.

Wait.

Well...

Be it ever so humble.

I'll just...
take the top.

It doesn't seem like
they clean this toilet out.

That's disgusting.

( sighs )

( sobs )

Look, amigo,

if you're gonna
make it in here,

you better smarten up.

( whimpers )

Those pricks out there
see you like this,

you won't make it a week.

You don't wanna die
in your first week, do ya?

( crying )
No.

Right.

So you gotta trust me,
do what I do.

Just keep your mouth shut,
and try not to cry.

It's all right to cry.

Crying takes the sad
out of you.

Crying takes the sad
out of you?

Hey, that shit
may have flown

back when you
were a human being
but you're not now.

You're a piece of meat,
and you're in the grinder.

The softer you are,
the more it's gonna
grind you up,

and the more them animals
are gonna want to eat you.

All right, you gotta
toughen up.

Show me your tough face.

Show me Nelson's tough face.

Jesus, you look like
you're gonna take a shit
or somethin'.

Hey, John,
how you doin'?

Ah, the same Lyshitski,
different day.

Got some mail for you.

All right.
Bit backed up.
A couple weeks.

Who's the new guy?

That is Nelson Biederman IV.

He gotta take a shit
or something?
( laughs )

Naw, he's trying
to look like bad meat.
Yeah.

Okay...
( sighs )

I guess we can order out.

So now what do we do?

Hmm?

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

I mean, what do we--
what are we supposed todo?

We're doin' it, man.
This is it.

We're right in the thick
of the action.

We hang out here,
go to lunch, come back,

hang out some more,
go to dinner.

You know how someone
might describe a situation

that's unpleasant or confining
as being "like a prison"?

Yeah.
This is what
they're referring to.

It costs $54 a day
to keep a person in prison.

Which comes out to $75,000,000
a day nationally.

That's 28 billion dollars
a year.

When you think about it,

wouldn't it be cheaper
just to let us keep

your goddamn car stereos.

What's on the menu today,
good sir?

That's meat.

That ain't meat.

Ain't meat.

Hit me with some meat.

Great American melting pot.

You know 20% of all prisoners
aren't even U.S. citizens?

Ten percent are Mexican.

Two percent Columbian.

I can't tell the difference.

How do you know
all this stuff, John?

I'm on a lot
of weird mailing lists.

See those bad asses
over there?

They're the White Kingdom.

The pretty much
run the roost.

He who controls the smack
controls the joint.

And by "he," I mean him.

Lynard.

Don't be fooled though.
Underneath all those swastikas,

he's a real prick.

At exactly 12:15, stand up.

Why?

Just do it.
It's kind of a prank.

Oh.

We used to do
this sort of thing

all the time
in prep school.

A couple of the boys wanted
to put one over

on old Professor LaRoche.
( laughs )

At exactly
the appointed minute

all the boys would
( click )

push their books down
onto the floor.

Old LaRoche almost
had a heart attack.
Not the face!

Not the face!
( gasps )

( screams )

Break it up!
Break it up!

You, fish.
Who started this shit?

I don't know.

( screams )

He did it.

All right, Lynard.
You're going to the hole.

Lunch is over, ladies!
Hit the showers!

Move it!

That's gotta be
the stupidest goddamn thing
I've ever seen.

Never narc on somebody.

I mean, haven't you seem
any prison movies?

You told me to.

Yeah. I didn't mean
for you to tell the truth.

You're dead. And I'm probably
gonna get kicked in the teeth
just for talking to you.

I'm sorry.

Okay. Listen, from now on,
you do exactly as I say.

Exactly. Okay?

Okay.

Just remember,
Number one rule in prison...

always look out
for your cell mate.

Remember, the number one rule
in prison...

never trust anybody.

Of all the fears men have
about prison,

loss of liberty,
eating bad food,

claustrophobia, loneliness.

None of them compare
to the prospect

of being fucked up the ass.

So what's a beautiful
white boy like you

doin' in a place
like this?

Three to five?

Soft time, huh?

Yeah, I like soft things.

You know, like,
soft music.

Maybe a soft little
baby duck on Easter morning.

You like little baby ducks?

Hey, back the hell off,
Barry.

He's my bitch.

Hey, Lyshitski,
how's it hangin'?

A little to the right,
I see.

Hey!

He's my property,
Dick Monster.

You guys got that?

This little filly's
all mine.

You can look,
but don't touch.

Juliet's asshole's got
one name stenciled on it--

Mine. "Romeo."

Romeo Lyshitski.
Capice, amigos?

No rear entry.

That goes for you.

That big bastard's
the head of the Black G-Lords.

I don't mean to sound
ungrateful, John,

but did you have to
stick your finger
up my ass?

Nope. Probably not.

But it happened.

You've gotta get me
outta here.

Now! Before I become
bitch de jour

for one of the G-Lords.

I don't care how much
it costs, I want out!

Well, that's just it,
Mr. Biederman.

Um, you don't have
any money.
What are you talking about?

I have millions.

Well, the foundation
does, yes.

But, uh, legally,

you have no access
to the foundation's funds

unless you were Chairman,
which...

you are no longer.

My father started
the Biederman Foundation.

My name is Nelson Biederman!

You can't fire me!

Actually, according to
the foundation's charter,

we were required to.
( laughs )

So without foundation funds,
you...

don't have dime.

Unless, you've been
working a paper route
on the side.

( laughs )

I'm--I'm so sorry.

Uh, that's why
I brought you a...

Fresca.

After all...
( can opens )

we are a charity,
so here.

Just lean in,
go ahead.

Guard: No food or drinks!

Ooh!

Ouch!

I'm sorry, Mr. Biederman.

( straw gurgles )

Duane!
( door buzzes )

**

* How lucky can one guy be

* I kissed her
and she kissed me *

* Like the fella once said
Ain't that a kick in the head *

* The room was
completely black *

* I hugged her
and she hugged back *

* Like the sailor said quote
Ain't that a hole in the boat *

* My head keeps spinning

* I go to sleep
and keep grinning *

* If this is just
the beginning *

* My life is gonna be

* Bee-yootiful

* I've sunshine enough
to spread *

* It's just like
the fella said *

* Tell me quick
Ain't love a kick in the head *

( squeaks )

* Like the sailor said quote
Ain't that a hole in the boat *

* My head keeps spinning

* I go to sleep
and keep grinning *

* If this is just
the beginning *

* My life is gonna be

* Bee-yootiful
( laughs )

( laughs )

* She's tellin' me
we'll be wed *

* She's picked out
a king-sized bed *

* I couldn't feel
any better... *

Thank you
for the pencil, John.

No problem.
Found it in the shitter.

* Tell me quick

* Oh ain't love a kick

* Tell me quick

* Ain't love a kick

* In the head

All right, Johnny.
How much?

For real.

Well, he's a really good
friend of mine.

I couldn't possibly
let you have him

for anything less than
say, uh...

a half ounce of grass.

Four cartons of smokes.

Shit, honky please.
You out your mind?

You wanna break off a piece
of that white chocolate,

it's gonna cost ya.

( sighs )

Well, shit.

Your name must be
Monty Hall, motherfucker,

'cause we just made a deal.

( snickers )

( whistling )

What's with the robe, John?

Uh, if you wanna keep
gettin' the catalog,

you gotta order somethin'
ever now and again.

Figured I'd get more use
outta this than a miracle bra.

( door slams )

Lyshitski!

Garbage detail!

( whistles )

Wait, you're not gonna
leave me in here by myself,
are you?

I'll be back
in 20 minutes.

Just remember
your tough face.

Oh, spooky!

Looks like
he has to take a shit.

Come on!

Hold the fort, amigo!

( exhales )

( gasps )

( struggling )

Hey, thanks Shanahan.

Don't thank me, asshole.
Just pay me.

( gasps )

I'd like to apologize...

for the crassness
of my associates.

I doubt very much
if they've even

cracked the binding
on Emily Post.

( 70's soul music begins )

Would you like
some Merlot?

I make it in the toilet.

You a Pisces?

Yeah, I knew it.

How do you do it, Barry?

How do you do it?

( sighs )
So, um, what shall
we drink to?

Oh, I know...

Serendipity.

What a delightful
force of nature.

Serendipity.

( slurps )

( shudders )

Yummy.

Okay, Nelson...

Can I ask you a question?

( sighs )
Does my ass look big to you?

Um...

No?

Liar!

I ought to cut your
stinkin' ass lying throat
for lying!

I'm a cow!

I'm a big-hipped,
fat, nasty,

gelatin-assed,
buttermilk-makin' cow!

( exhales )

You wear it very well.

Oh...

well...

Thank ya, sweet thing.

But look here now,

don't you ever
lie to Barry again,
you hear me?

'Cause if you do,
I'm gonna have to
remove your genitals

and put 'em in a shoebox.

You understand?

Yeah, so now...

I'm gonna tell you
a little secret, Nelson.

( soft music plays )

( inhales )

Boy, I go ape shit
for Chuck Mangione.

But enough small talk.

( sighs )

You new here,
so let me tell you
how this shit go.

You see...

I own you, little Pisces.

You are my property
to do with as I please.

But--but, we don't have
to do everything tonight.

Hell, we got three to five.

So for now...

what's say you give Barry
a little Eskimo kiss.

Eskimo kiss ain't never
hurt nobody, right?

Sorry.

I can't.

Oh, baby...

Don't make me
go get no shoebox now.

Come on.

Eskimo.

( exhales )

Prisoners: Eskimo!

( whistles )

( laughs )

Oh, come on now.

You didn't think
Old Barry was gonna just

take advantage
on the first date, did ya?

If you did...

then I guess you just
don't know Barry.

No, no.

Prepare...

to be woo-ed...

by the master.

Hell yeah.

Nelson: Dear New Pen Pal,
my name is Nelson Biederman IV.

I'm 30 years old, and I've been
in prison for 3 months.

In this hell hole, I've had
my ass kicked so many times,

my shit has footprints in it.

"But you know what?

"I think I'm going
to make it.

"At least, I can rest assured
it can't possibly get any worse.

"Anyway, thanks for listening.
I'll have to sign off now

"as someone is pissing on me.

Your New Friend, Nelson."

That's a message from Lynard.

He gets outta the hole today.

He can't wait to see you.

Sleep tight.

I'm dead.

Not necessarily.

He might just
kick your ass.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean every day.

For months or years.

Till you're dead.

Man, I'm hungry.

You wanna go grab
some lunch, bud?

Dead man walkin'.

He's not gonna
kill me here, is he?

Oh no. All the smart money's
bet on the rec yard.

Wait, people are betting
on when I'm gonna be killed?

Of course.
Prison's a boring place.

They'll bet on anything.

Shanahan's the bank.

Hell, I lost four cartons
of smokes on how much

one of Jesus' turds weighed.

Look, this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna go talk to Lynard.

Reason with him
as one adult to another.

Apologize to him
and put this entire thing
behind us.

I can't see how
you can go wrong.

Thanks.

Nelson: Mr. Lynard...

Mr. Lynard...

I know that we did not start
under the best of circumstances,

so I just wanna say
how sorry I am

for the misunderstanding--

( gasps )

Okay.

Okay.

I deserve that.

I deserve that. I--

( grunts )

Well, we're even.

I have done you wrong and...

twice you have stabbed me
with forks.

So let's just try to...

put this whole thing
behind us.

Carry on about this
business of living.

Sure.

Sit.

Well, I should really
get back to my friends--

Sit!
( gasps )

( sniffs )

It took a lot of guts
to do what you did.

Nobody's ever
stood up to me before.

Except my old man.

I'm sure he's a great man.

I killed him.

I'm gonna kill you
the same way.

You didn't kill him
with kindness, did ya?

With a hammer.

Like the Beatles song.

( giggles )

Don't scream...

( grunts lightly )

Now, give me
my eating utensil back.

( gurgles )

Hey, bud, how'd it go?

Super.

All right.

So he's not
gonna kill ya?

No, he is.

Just not right now.

Not here, fellas.

Thank you.
Thanks for playing.

( whistles )

Hey, don't sweat it, compadre.

The way I see it is,
you still got three options.

Kill yourself.
You could fight him.

Or you could just let him
kill you, which, honestly,

might be your best solution.

Or...

You could always move out
to the boondocks.

Get a little place
of your own. Private cell.

Private cell?

How do I do that?

Well, just stand right here,
okay?

Hey!

Hi.

When you're already in jail
and you break the rules,

you think, "What the hell
are they gonna do?

Throw me in jail?"

The answer's "Yes."
It's called isolation--

the hole.

In the hole, it's impossible
to tell the difference

between five minutes
and forever.

Your mind plays tricks on you.
You get depressed.

You get disoriented.
( laughs crazily )

But most folks just suffer
from extreme panic

and vivid, horrifying
hallucinations.

Voice: Nelson? Nelson?
( whimpering )

Who's there?

It's me, Nelson.
Sergeant Barker.

The dog that fights crack.

Please! Please open the door!
( knocking )

Had enough
of yourself already?

I don't blame ya.
Let's go.

How long was I in there?
Two days.

Hey! Look who's back!

How are ya, killer?

Nice stubble.
Very Miami Vice.

Mm. Looks good.

Looks beautiful.
Looks beautiful.

How you holding up, Nelson?

I'm not gonna make it.

What do ya mean?

You're not thinkin' about
doin' yourself in, are ya?

My friend,
I'm all outta smack today.

But you may be in luck.

Because I've got some
very nice alternatives.

Paprika.

That's right--paprika.

A mere two, three pounds
of this stuff...

Boom! To the moon!

Only side effects,
maybe some mild to
uncontrollable shitting.

I need something
that will kill me.

Oh, it's like that.

I don't condone that,
my friend.

But...

pretty much any of this shit
will kill ya.

Oh yeah, I got old standard
drain cleaner.

Brass cleaner.

( laughs )
Eureka!

Oh yeah...

This is something called
"Boat Cleaner."

I think it's used
to clean boats with.

Gimme the boat cleaner.

And a needle.

Man: Take it to the hole!

Dear Pen Pal...

Well, I'm beaten.

It's all over for me.

I have to do
whatever I have to do

to get away from
the evil soulless douche bags

who populate this
filth-infested shit hole.

"I dream about
lining up the ass wipes

"who run this place
and cutting off their dicks.

"Pardon my fucking French,
I guess they win.

"They've made me
into one of them.

"From one vicious motherfucker
to another,

"good luck with the rest of
the second grade and stay free.

Your Pal in the Pen,
Nelson."

I'm sorry
I missed your letter, Billy.

( laughs )
Okay...

Jane, you're next.

Aw. Hey, Nelson.
I'm gonna take a quick walk.

See ya later.

( clears throat )

You know...

It's times like this

when I think about somethin'
my dad once said to me.

He said, "Oh, God,
please don't kill me

with the hammer, Lynard,
please. Oh! Oh!"
( giggles )

Hey, I don't need
any help here.

Back off or you're next.

You're not part coon,
are ya?

I'd have a lot more fun
doin' this if you were
part coon.

Sorry, no coon.

Mostly Dutch.

Well...uh...

I'm gonna kick ya in the face
anyway, I guess.

( screams )

Ah!
( grunting )

( cheering )

Ah!

Ring around the rosy.

( gasps )

( grunts )

( cracking sound )

Well, hee-haw.

What have we here?
That's mine.

You're holdin' out
on your old pal, Lynard.

No, Lynard it's--

It's--it's not that,

it's...my last fix.

Please. Kill me if you want,
Lynard,

but please don't make me
face it sober.

Screw yourself, dickhead.

You don't need this
where you're goin'.

I'm begging you...

( tongue noises )

Don't do it.

( grunts )

( sighs )
Don't throw me
into the briar patch.

Do what?

If you weren't such a
white supremacist asshole,

you would have read up
on your Uncle Remus.

( breathes heavily )

( gasps )

I did what I had to do.

You heard the man.

Back up, boys.

Well, that was
pretty goddamn weird.

You know, you're gonna get
another 20 years for that.

For what?
I didn't do anything.

Shot himself up.

Got the needle right here.
( laughs )

( exhales )

So the plot fucking thickens.

What did you say?

Hmm?

Nothing.

Did I say that out loud?

( prisoners talking )

( talking stops abruptly )

Oh shit, John.

They're all staring at me.
What do I do?

Just play it cool, amigo.

Hey, I got somethin'
for you!

No, man, I don't want
any Biederman action.

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to say,
"I owe you one."

Lynard was the kind of dickhead
who gives Nazis a bad name.

So, anyway...

from now on,
White Kingdom's got your back.

All: Yeah, brother.

White Kingdom!
Skinheads: White Kingdom!

What the hell is going on?

I think you're
tippy-top dog now.

That's ridiculous,
no one's scared of me.

Well, let's see.

Yo, cueball.

Your fat ass is
stinking up Biederman's seat.

Pop up.

Look, I don't want
no trouble.

Well, that's good to hear
you, uh...

( whispers )
Pussy.
Pussy.

So, are you gonna move,
or do my friends have to
move you for me?

Good.

Because I don't
take no crap from no...

Lucien Freud-looking
pussies like you.

Wow. Really, really
can't believe that worked.

( door opens )

( sultry saxophone music )

Barry: Of all
the bathroom stalls

in all
the correctional facilities

in all the world...

He walks into mine.

Haven't you heard the news,
Barry?

The news?

Oh yeah.

Barry finally pitches.
Pisces catches.

Home team wins.

( laughs )

Don't even think about it,
Barry.

( grunts )

That hurt, Nelson.

Not physically.

But I thought
we gotten past this point
in our relationship.

What are you talking about?

Well, over the last
few months,

I've started
to like you a lot.

Grown accustomed
to your face if you will.

Thought you felt
the same way.

But I see now...

I've been livin'
in a fool's paradise.

Look, I should really
get back to--

( gasps )

Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Is this how you treat
someone you love?

Choking them in a men's room?!

No...

I don't know.

Maybe.
( chokes )

Aw, shit!
( gasps for breath )

Barry: Maybe I was...

Thinking you'd forget
all about me if...

you wasn't scared
I was gonna cut your nuts off.

( spits )

Maybe behind the facade, there's
just a scared little boy

who didn't never get
enough love.

( gulps )

( gasps )

Look, Barry...

I--I never--

Oh, just leave me alone!

( sighs )

( whispers )
Go to him.

Go to him.

( exhales )
Barry...

Barry?

Pisces.

Mmm...

Get him!

Kick his ass!

( grunting and shouting )

Stop!

Did he touch you, Boss?
We'll gut him right here.

Yes, he touched me.
( fart sound )

Oh, sorry.
That was me.

Keep goin'.

But not like that.

I've giving him a pass
this time.

What...

are you ladies up to?!

You! Lyshitski!

In the hole!

Are you kiddin' me?

I didn't even do anything.

They're over there,
I'm over here.

Don't you have eyes?

In the hole!

The system is one shifty prick.

You dodge right,
it shifts left.

You think you're on top of it,
suddenly you're underneath it.

The ass end of a punch line.

During my retreat, Nelson
had become king of the crapper,

and nobody seemed to flinch.

( exhaling and inhaling )

Just the opposite.

They're eating up his
fancy ass rich boy act

like it was Ben and Jerry's
Heroin Chunk.

Nelson: So, at exactly
the appointed minute

when Old LaRoche's back
is turned,

all the boys
shoved their books
onto the floor!

( all laugh )

Old LaRoche almost
had a heart attack!

He didn't know
what hit him!

Can't wait to see
your grand premiere, baby.

From the tippity,
cocksuckers!

Five, six, seven, eight!

** ( piano music )

* There's nothin' to it

* You gotta move this

* Come on and move this

* Shake that body for me

( whispers )
Go, John. Go, John.

* Me-eeeee
( whistles )

Phillip's head.

Hey, John.
Hey.

( clears throat )
Didn't see you there.

Hmm.
( sighs )

It's good to see ya.
Yeah...

You know, I've been
meaning to talk to you
about something.

What's that?
Remember when
I first got in here?

( laughs )
I had the balls of a souffle,
I'll be honest with you.

But you changed that, John,
you really did.
Did I?

Yeah. I owe everything
that I am today to you, John.
I really do.

I mean, you gave me
my self-esteem back.

I've got the love of a man.
Good.

All the things
that you could want,
I found myself.

I just feel like I really
wanna give you something, John.
Perfect.

I do.
Yeah...

Can I get you some cigarettes?
No, I'm good.

What about porn?
Cigarettes and porn?
No. I'm good.

( sighs )

John, you're the greatest.

I wanna say from
the bottom of my heart...
Yeah?

Thank you.
Okay.

Hey, have some tea.
Hey, thanks.

Made it for ya.
Okay.

All right. Have fun.

Come on!

( shouts )

How did this happen?

A few months ago,
I had his balls in a vice.

Now, with his parole hearing
just around the bend,

it looks like he might be
taking his balls

and going home.

( 70's soul music plays )

Hold still.

Gotta look good
for the Board.

There you go.

Wanna go out tonight?

Me and some of the guys
were thinkin' about going
down to the laundry room,

drinking some toilet wine,
and beatin' up
some of the new guys.

Or we could just stay in...

drink toilet wine here.

( sighs )
We never go out anymore.

Well...

I gotta hand it to ya,
buddy.

You're a bigger man
than I thought you were.

They beat ya up.

They robbed you
of your dignity.

They pissed in your food.

But they didn't break ya.

With the revolving door policy
of today's prison system,

you're probably gonna
get paroled tomorrow.

They pissed in my food?

Ah, what difference
does it make?

You're gettin' out tomorrow.

And I'm proud of ya.

Really?
Really.

In fact, I snuck ya in
a going away present.

Good luck at your hearing.

I'll see ya in one to three.

Thank ya, John.
Okay.

Couldn't have made it
in here without your help.

( laughs )

( sighs )

Why's it already opened?

I opened it for you.

What for?

'Cause I'm a great guy.

And I know you had
a real tough day.

You don't trust me?

After all
we've been through?

One friend can't give
another friend a soda

with that friend thinking
the second friend

put a roofie in it?

Wow. Well, that hurts, pal.

That hurts.

I've been looking out for you
for almost a year now.

And then I bust my nuts getting
you this goddamn fruity soda,

and you think I'm
up to something?

Well, screw you, pal.

I thought we were friends.

I'm sorry, John.

God, this place
has really done a number on me.

It has.

We are friends.

In fact, you might be
the best friend I've ever had.

That's it.
Get it all.

Go for it. Oh...

Ahh!

The taste of freedom!

Oh, John, what would this world
be like without fr--

( retches )

All right, maestro.

Come on, let's get him
out of here.

We got to put
his new face on.

Wake up, Biederman!

Parole Board's waiting.
Let's--

Let's go.

So, Mr. Biederman,

do you feel you're ready
to reenter society?

Absolutely.

Prison's made me
a new man.

When I get out of here,

I intend to stand up
for what I know is right.

When the Parole Board gets
through with Der Fuhrer,

two things
are going to happen--

one--they're going to file
his early release form

right in between Charles Manson
and the Unabomber's...

and two--Nelson's
going to be pissed as hell...

at me.

( grunts )

Why'd you do it, John?!

Amigo, I did it
for your own good.

Now, hear me out on this,
all right?

Listen, you gotta sandbag

your first parole hearing
because--

Okay, you wanna know why?

I knew your dad.

What?!

Yeah, the judge--

the man who made me
who I am today,

the same man who's
going to kill you right now.

What would you call that?

I call that pretty crazy,
isn't it?

No, it's ironic.

The word you want
is "ironic"!

Aah!

All right, cut the shit!
( door buzzes )

Cut the shit!
Now! Now! Right now!

( Taser zapping )
Up against the wall!

Up! Up! Up! Get up!

( groans )
Get up!

You two pussies gonna have
a cage match,

and I don't even get
an invitation?

Wow, that's selfish.

That's selfish, huh?

'Cause, goddammit,
I want a front row seat

to that cat fight!

You two want to kill each other?
Great.

Stupendous.

Save everyone around here
the hassle.

But this is my prison.

I schedule
the extracurricular activities.

And if you two
are going to fight...

I need some time
to get some action going.

So how's, um...

How's Friday sound, huh?

Friday good?
Say, rec yard?

Fight to the death?

Huh?

Does that work
for you two dickheads?

( Taser zapping )
( groaning )

Sounds like a yes to me.

Huh? Sounds like a yes.

Wait.

What do I win if I win?

Well, if you lose, you die.

If you win, you die.

The difference is
I kill the winner.

It'll be quick.

In one year I've proven
that the machine can warp

a law-abiding spineless sack
of shit like Biederman

into a totally violent,
psychopathic,

and lethal sack of shit.

The only flaw
in my plan was...

now I'm locked
in a cage with him.

Friday, the yard,
John versus Nelson,

fight to the death.

Yeah, fight's gonna
take place on the cistern

Uh-huh? That's awesome!

Hey, how much
does brain damage pay?

Man on radio: Brain damage?
I don't know.

You gotta ask Shanahan.
He's taking the bets.

I'll put two cartons

on Ritchie Rich
taking Lyshitski down.

And this, too, fool.

Brain damage, three to two.

Ear bit off, even money.

Ear cut off, seven to five.

Damn, you cover
all that action?

Sure, only took me
a second to get the cash...

a second mortgage.

( all laugh )

( whistles )

Biederman,
you got a visitor!

( grunts )
( Taser zaps )

( groans )

You're really getting
liberal with the Taser.

Congratulations, Barry.

I'm glad they let you out.

Parole Board say
I seem like a new man.

I told 'em it was
all because of you.

Baby...

You the Ashford
to my Simpson...

( weeping )
the Peaches to my Herb...

the Shields
to my Yarnell.

Shh...

Barry, you should be happy.

( blows nose )

Barry, you're free.

You know I can't be happy
without you, baby.

I was just thinking
about going postal

over at the Popeye's Chicken

so I can get
locked back up in here

with my sweet little Pisces.

I gotta get you out.

That's very kind
of you, Barry,

but you've got to listen to me.

The only way that I'm getting
out of here is in a body bag.

There better be a body bag
for two, goddammit.

'Cause I wanna be sewn
right in there with your ass.

That's very sweet, Barry.

I wish there was something
I could do for you.

You're the closest thing
to family I've ever had.

Family...

Actually, Barry, there is
something I can do for you.

Dammit.

Dammit!
( intercom beeps )

Woman: Mr. Hinkley, you have
a telephone callon line one,

and there's
a gentleman here to see you.

He doesn't have
an appointment.

Well, tell him to wait.

Yello.

Nelson: Hello, Dwayne.

Nelson, is that you?

You allowed
to make phone calls now?

Only to my lawyer.

I want out. Now.

I'm sorry, sir.
There's nothing we can do.

Our hands are tied.

Hmm, well, in that case
I'll just have to turn

control of the Foundation
over to my son.

And in accordance
with the Foundation's charter,

he'll be the one running things
for me until I'm out.

I'm sorry,
did you say, "your son"?

Oh, I adopted
a young man I met in prison.

He's out now.

Everything's nice
and legal, Duane.

I think you'll enjoy
working for him.

He's a real sweetheart.

( banging on door )

( door opens )

What the hell you doing
in my office, bitch?

Mr. Shanahan.

Sir.

If you have knowledge of
anything untoward happening

amongst the inmate population,

I will not hesitate to put
your ass in a grinder!

Oh, oh...
( clears throat )

Uh...

( sighs )

Aw, I'm just tugging
your nuts.

( laughing )

Give me 50 bucks
on that preppy asshole.

Oh, Warden, that is
my sense of humor,

right there, Warden.

( inmates shouting )

All right!
You boys know the rules.

Whoever dies first...loses.

Inmates: Nelson!
Nelson! Nelson...!

Inmate: Get your ass
up there!
Get him!

Laotian style.

Yeah?
I like Cambodian rules.

Wow, that is so cool.

I saw a dress made out
of credit cards

in Vanity Fair
a couple years ago.

that's what gave me the idea.

I like it.
I got one for you.

( groaning )
Aah, what is that?!

Industrial disinfectant.

They got a shitload
in the workroom.

See you in Hell,
Lyshitski!

You bet, bud.

( grunting )

Don't do it, John.

I won't if you won't.

You know, you taught me
a lot of things, John...

but the most important thing
you taught me...

Never trust anybody.

Woo!

( crowd chattering )

All right, ladies,
we're on lockdown!

Watch your back!
Move your ass!

Dead.

All right.

Get them out of here
before they start stinking.

Duane: Here's the rest
of the necessary paperwork.

As Mr. Biederman's only heir,

you're entitled
to the entire trust.

Well, money can't fix
a broken heart.

Okay, well,
it's $8,000,000.

Oh, well, I guess
that will take out

a little of the sting.

( gasping )

The only way I'm getting
out of here is in a body bag.

Pigeon saliva,
mixed with bat guano,

and tar as an emulsifier.

It won't kill you,
my friend,

but it'll put you
in a stupor.

More of a coma really.

Up to three days.

Trust me,
that'll do the trick.

What took you so long?

Hey, come on,
give me a break.

I had to wait for
all those white people to leave.

All right.

Let's go.

Hey, wait a minute, now.

A deal's a deal.

Uh, if you lose, you die.

If you win, you die.

The difference is
I kill the winner.

It'll be quick.

We're fucked.
We gotta work together.

Okay, but don't fuck me
on this one.

Yeah, trust me.
That'll do the trick.

Thanks, amigo.

Well, hold on now, baby duck.

There is
such a thing as karma.

We don't wanna get
on the wrong side of that.

We've got the rest
of our lives to live.

I don't think so.

Hey, wait a minute, now.

If it wasn't
for this asshole,

we would've never met.

Oh, thank god.

I gotta drop a deuce
like no one's business.

All right,
so that's it, John.

We're even.
All right?

Let's go, Barry.

( coughs )

You know, there aren't
a shit load of prison stories

you'd wanna tell
your grandkids,

but this one definitely
falls into that category.

Hey, you think I could grab
a ride from you guys?

( laughs )

Can you believe this guy?

( sighs )

( birds twittering )
( classical music playing )

Well, Barry and I are big fans
of Wine Aficionado Magazine,

and I have to confess

that we are very eager
to hear your opinion.

Be careful
what you wish for, gentlemen.

Mmm, that first sniff
unlocks the door.

Oh, and that second sniff
invites you in,

sits you down,
and gives you
a foot massage.

Watch yourself.

What is it that I detect?

A trace of ammonia

or some other source
of disinfectant?

No, it's...ammonia.

I see. Well, then,
I'm done with it.

You haven't even tasted
it yet.

Precisely.

Well, at least let us introduce
you to our head vintner

He came up with--

Gentlemen, I don't need
to taste your wine

nor meet your head vintner

to confidently proclaim

that this wine
is a piece of sh--

John: A little piece
of heaven?

Ken Kennedy, head vintner.

See, we're a family here.

And our grapes
are part of that family.

And they know that we'd do
anything for them.

For instance,
if some outsider,

say some shit-eating fruit fly

were to come in here and mess
with them in any way whatsoever,

we--by we I mean me
and my brothers over there...

would stop at nothing
to protect them.

And they know that.

( pats him )
So that is why

is why I think you're
gonna score Baby Duck One

100 out of 100
on your next review.

Because you can taste
the love in every sip.

Okay.

Yes, I--of course.
100 it is.

Did you hear that?

Barry: Drink up, bitches.

Ugh.
( all gagging )

( gags )

God damn,
is that sweet.

( dance music playing )

( singing along )
* Yo, come on, move this

* Shake that body

* That body

* Shake that body

* That body

* Shake that body

* That body

* Shake that body

* That body

* People don't you know

* Don't you know
it's about time *

* Can you hear
the jam is pumpin' *

* While you taste
the piece of mine *
* piece of mine!

* Many different flavors
and the spice is strong *
Strong!

* Get into the hot stuff,
let me pour a little on *
* Pour a little on

* Baby let me show you
how to do this *
* How to do this.

* You've got to move this

* You're feelin' fine

* There's nothing to it
You've gotta groove it *

* Come on and move this
Shake that body for me *

* People don't you know

* Don't you know
It's about time *

* Can't you hear
the jam is pumpin' *

* While you taste
a piece of mine *
* Piece of mine

* Many different flavors

* And the bass is strong
* And the beat is strong

* Get into the hot stuff

* Let me pour a little on

Come on, John.

* Baby, let me show you
how to do this *

* You've gotta move this

* You're feelin' fine

* There's nothing to it

* You've gotta groove this

* Come on and move this

* Shake that body for me

* Shake that body for me

* ba ba da,
ba ba da... *

* Shake that body for me

* People, don't you know

* Don't you know
it's about time *

* Can't you hear
the jam is pumpin' *

* While you taste
a piece of mine *
* Mine

* Can't you feel
the mellow crawling fast *

* Drum oh, baby,
rhythms blast *

* Pump it, pump it,
pump it up *
* Pump it up

* Bet you can't make
this one stop *

( mimics scratching )

* You've gotta move this

* Ba ba da

* You've gotta move this

* Oh, yeah

* You've gotta move this

* Grove this to move this

* Oh, shake that body for me

* Baby, let me show you how

* To do this
John, isn't it great?

* Move this

* You've gotta move that
Shake that body
for me, Johnny.

* You gotta move

Come on, Lyshitski.

* Move this, groove it

* Shake that body for me

( music fades )

Barry: Ahh...
( soul music playing )

* You look so good

* I wanna take
a shower with you *

( rubber duck squeaks )

* Take a shower with you

* You look so sweet

* I wanna take
a shower with you *

* Take a shower with you

( duck squeaks )

* So sweet

* So sweet

* I wanna take
a shower with you *

( scatting )

* You

( scatting )

* Take a shower with you

* I'm a bad man

( funk music playing )

( scatting )

* So I'm a bad man

( scatting )

* I'm a bad man

( scatting )

* Give it to me

* Give it to me, now

* Give it to me,
uh, give it to me *

* Uh, uh, give it to me

( scats )
* Give it to me

* Give it to me

* So...

( scatting )

* Give--give it to--

* I'm a bad man

( classical strings playing )

( music fades )