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1
00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,070
Daddy's home!
2
00:00:11,110 --> 00:00:13,900
Another mission, survived.
3
00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:15,510
Oh, Stan!
4
00:00:15,550 --> 00:00:18,030
It's always such a relief
to have you back...
5
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,950
You're soaked in sweat!
6
00:00:20,990 --> 00:00:24,130
Where was your mission, inside
a giant pair of ski boots?
7
00:00:24,170 --> 00:00:27,000
We relocated a family for
the witness protection program,
8
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,220
and part of that is actually
helping the people move.
9
00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:31,130
Dick made fun of me
for wearing a back brace
10
00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:32,870
then threw his own back out
trying to show off.
11
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,490
It was awesome.
12
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:37,180
I had to move two pool tables
by myself, but totally worth it.
13
00:00:37,230 --> 00:00:40,580
Witness protection?! How exciting!
14
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:43,540
How did the people end up there?
Did they see someone get iced?
15
00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:45,020
Sorry. Those are state secrets.
16
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:46,670
Which is unfortunate for you
17
00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:49,370
'cause this town's crawlin'
with fascinating witnesses!
18
00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:52,500
But I'm a vault, baby!
These secrets die with me.
19
00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:54,200
Unless I die after 2035.
20
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,030
That's when they become
public domain.
21
00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:59,290
Attention, please.
I have an announcement.
22
00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:02,430
I found my first gray hair.
23
00:01:02,470 --> 00:01:05,340
And I couldn't be happier!
24
00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:08,520
I'd always hoped to go full gray
by the end of high school,
25
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,740
and this is the first step
towards that silver-fox dream!
26
00:01:12,780 --> 00:01:14,660
Like Jamie Lee Curtis!
27
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,310
This is great news!
28
00:01:16,350 --> 00:01:19,140
My boy is ready
for a man's barber shop.
29
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,450
You can finally come
to Bushwhackers!
30
00:01:21,490 --> 00:01:24,060
The haircuts are whatever,
but the vibe's incredible.
31
00:01:24,100 --> 00:01:26,450
We sit around for hours
just choppin' it up.
32
00:01:26,490 --> 00:01:28,930
- Chopping what up?
- You know, "choppin' it up."
33
00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:30,150
Gabbin', shootin' the shit,
34
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:31,650
smokin' and jokin'
without the smokin'.
35
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:33,670
Chit-chat on steroids.
You're gonna love it.
36
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:35,550
Let's go!
37
00:01:35,590 --> 00:01:38,240
Also, babe,
on my walk this morning,
38
00:01:38,290 --> 00:01:40,680
I made contact
with a really big dog
39
00:01:40,730 --> 00:01:43,030
and I finally found
my dinosaur book and...
40
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:44,900
- Jeff! What's up?
- Not much.
41
00:01:44,950 --> 00:01:46,430
No. Why are you telling me
42
00:01:46,470 --> 00:01:48,520
about every little thing
in your life?
43
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,950
I am trying to read
Cinnabon's privacy policy.
44
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,220
Well, my memory's so bad
that I know
45
00:01:53,260 --> 00:01:55,650
if I don't tell you
everything right away,
46
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:58,350
the important stuff
will slip through the cracks.
47
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,480
How about this...
Instead of telling me
48
00:02:00,530 --> 00:02:02,400
everything as it happens,
49
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,840
write it all down
in this notebook.
50
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,320
Oh, I get it!
51
00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,400
And then I can go through it
52
00:02:07,450 --> 00:02:09,280
and share the most important
parts with you
53
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,800
No!
54
00:02:15,590 --> 00:02:18,370
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
55
00:02:18,420 --> 00:02:22,200
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
56
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:25,470
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
57
00:02:25,510 --> 00:02:29,560
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
58
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:35,040
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
59
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:36,910
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
60
00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:42,920
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
61
00:02:45,220 --> 00:02:47,140
You ever see the show Cheers?
62
00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:49,320
I'm kinda the Sam Malone
around here.
63
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,580
You have to be Kirstie Alley.
Everyone else is taken.
64
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,230
Oh! No, I knew
you were gonna say that!
65
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:55,370
- Oh, you...
- That's Tony. He's great.
66
00:02:55,410 --> 00:02:57,320
He has a bunch of brothers
who refuse to talk to him,
67
00:02:57,370 --> 00:02:58,930
and he won't tell us why.
68
00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:01,410
It was a soul-stirring episode.
69
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:04,070
No, no, no, no, no!
No Masked Singer talk.
70
00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:06,290
I wasn't able to watch
last night 'cause I...
71
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:07,940
was on a date!
72
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,860
So, where'd you take Tuttle's mom?
73
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,300
Yeah! Where'd you
take my mom, Tony?
74
00:03:16,340 --> 00:03:18,300
My mom missed
my ninth birthday party
75
00:03:18,340 --> 00:03:20,960
'cause of a vicious
yeast infection.
76
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,310
I'm, sorry to hear that, Stan.
77
00:03:25,350 --> 00:03:27,050
Tony, this is my son, Steve.
78
00:03:27,090 --> 00:03:29,140
He just got his first gray hair.
79
00:03:29,180 --> 00:03:31,270
I remember my first gray hair...
80
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,840
but it wasn't on my head.
81
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,840
Hey, Steve, pretty soon
82
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,280
the whole town's gonna know
about your gray hair.
83
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,930
Raymont here's
a real blabbermouth.
84
00:03:40,980 --> 00:03:43,150
It's true!
85
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,680
That's why I became
a news director.
86
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,110
Lewis was talking about
his PEEEE-NISSSSS!
87
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,940
So, my date last night.
88
00:03:52,990 --> 00:03:55,290
You'll never guess
who it was with.
89
00:03:55,340 --> 00:03:57,340
Dracula! Dracula's a funny guess!
90
00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,600
Oh, no...
91
00:03:59,650 --> 00:04:02,210
Guys, it was Tanya from the
nail salon across the street.
92
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,740
- He-yo!
- Va-va-va voom!
93
00:04:03,780 --> 00:04:05,130
Suck your blood!
94
00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:08,260
Hey, Tony, want to see
a picture of a rose?
95
00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:11,660
It's got the reddest petals,
like red on steroids!
96
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:14,790
I should probably
focus on the kid's hair.
97
00:04:16,710 --> 00:04:19,970
So how'd the date go?
98
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,840
Yeah. Did ya get lucky?
99
00:04:21,890 --> 00:04:25,460
Actually, boys, I did get lucky...
100
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:28,680
'cause I forgot my wallet
and she had to pay!
101
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,160
Classic Tony!
102
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,070
Save that money, bitch!
103
00:04:33,110 --> 00:04:34,460
Who wants to hear more
104
00:04:34,510 --> 00:04:37,470
about my mother's yeast infection?
105
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,910
Another great trip
to the barber shop.
106
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,950
Damn. I was on "fi-ah" today.
107
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,090
"Steve got his hairs cut.
108
00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:53,000
Mr. S got caught on fire.
109
00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:57,360
Mrs. S is watching pornography
on the living-room TV."
110
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:01,580
Must have been cool seeing
your dad in his element?
111
00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:04,230
It was... It was fine, I guess.
112
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:07,450
You guess? Come on! Tell your
mother how awesome I was.
113
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,240
- I can't.
- Sure, you can!
114
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,630
It's not braggin' if you're
talking about somebody else.
115
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:15,370
Dad, you were
completely out of sync.
116
00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:16,810
Every time you spoke,
117
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,380
the conversation came
to a screeching halt.
118
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,730
No! I'm good at chopping it up.
119
00:05:21,770 --> 00:05:23,300
I'm Sam from Cheers!
120
00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:25,170
No chance. You're...
121
00:05:25,210 --> 00:05:27,430
Gosh, I can't even give you
the quiet guy with glasses
122
00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:29,560
who pops up like
every 10 episodes.
123
00:05:29,610 --> 00:05:33,040
You're so out of place,
it'd be like if a character
124
00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:35,960
from a completely different show
came in the bar...
125
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,880
Maybe Gargamel from The Smurfs?
126
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,490
And I feel like
that's even generous.
127
00:05:39,530 --> 00:05:42,270
Nope. We are going
back to Bushwhackers.
128
00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:44,270
I'm gonna show you
how wrong you are!
129
00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:52,110
I think Doctor Throbber's wiener
may have never been broken.
130
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,850
Well, I'm on your side, Brian.
131
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,460
It sounds like
vengeance was necessary.
132
00:05:59,510 --> 00:06:01,770
The kid's neck is ready
for another shave, Tony.
133
00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:03,250
Okay, what are we talking about?
134
00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:05,030
I was just explaining
to the fellas
135
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,770
why the Coast Guard keeps
coming around looking for me.
136
00:06:07,820 --> 00:06:10,430
Coast Guard, coast is clear,
Clear Channel, English Channel.
137
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:12,260
Go, Bazooka Sharks, guv'na!
138
00:06:13,690 --> 00:06:16,220
Not exactly a standing ovation.
139
00:06:16,260 --> 00:06:18,740
But that's okay.
Let's go with a classic.
140
00:06:18,790 --> 00:06:22,010
Hey, have I ever shown you guys
this amazing picture of a rose?!
141
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,790
Gargamel...
142
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,580
Gargamel...
143
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,450
Gargamel...
144
00:06:28,490 --> 00:06:30,360
Am I bad at chopping it up?
145
00:06:30,410 --> 00:06:33,280
So I told him,
"For a perfect ham sandwich,
146
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:37,200
the secret is...
uncooked black beans."
147
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:39,110
Secrets?! You want secrets?!
148
00:06:39,150 --> 00:06:41,200
Well, Tuttle's in
the witness protection program
149
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,420
'cause he saw a bunch of murders!
150
00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:44,460
Stan! How could you?!
151
00:06:44,510 --> 00:06:47,680
Stan, if that's true, you
basically just killed Tuttle.
152
00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:50,640
Hey, we're... we're just guys
chopping it up, right?
153
00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:52,580
What happens at Bushwhackers
stays at Bushwhack...
154
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,210
Gotta go!
155
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,480
I'm receiving breaking news
from my boss
156
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,650
with another
Chop From the Barber Shop.
157
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,610
Langley Falls' own Al Tuttle
158
00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:04,830
is in the witness
protection program.
159
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,050
Is this station responsible for
the certain death of Al Tuttle?
160
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:11,490
We blame the person
who told us... Stan Smith.
161
00:07:11,530 --> 00:07:15,320
As always, our file photos
come from Pogofest 2017.
162
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:26,240
I can't believe he's dead.
163
00:07:26,290 --> 00:07:28,460
Goes to show,
you can go at any moment,
164
00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:30,640
no matter
how perfect your body is.
165
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,860
If I'm God,
I'd want that back, too.
166
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:34,470
This is tragic!
167
00:07:34,510 --> 00:07:37,650
I was about to get Tuttle
to lend me 16 bucks.
168
00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:40,350
- I needed that 16!
- Why?
169
00:07:40,390 --> 00:07:41,720
I'm getting sued
for renting someone
170
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:43,260
an apartment I don't own.
171
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,520
It costs 16 bucks to park
at the courthouse,
172
00:07:45,570 --> 00:07:48,530
where I will tell that person
to go himself.
173
00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:54,400
You're doing great.
We'll be done here soon,
174
00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:56,060
then we'll set you up
with a new identity.
175
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,060
- Thanks, Stan...
- Oh, God!
176
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,410
I just miss you so much, buddy!
177
00:08:00,450 --> 00:08:04,850
So sad! So unsuspicious!
178
00:08:04,890 --> 00:08:08,030
Today we lay to rest Al Tuttle.
179
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:09,810
Tuttle was recently outed
as a snitch
180
00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:11,770
against multiple crime families.
181
00:08:16,900 --> 00:08:19,780
But even more recently,
he happened to die...
182
00:08:19,820 --> 00:08:21,780
Murdered by one of
the many prostitutes
183
00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:23,870
he had grown to trust.
184
00:08:23,910 --> 00:08:26,780
But most importantly,
Tuttle is now very dead,
185
00:08:26,830 --> 00:08:28,570
and anyone who came to town
looking to kill him
186
00:08:28,610 --> 00:08:29,570
can head home.
187
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,310
God did the job for you.
188
00:08:31,350 --> 00:08:33,490
I thought a prostitute killed him?
189
00:08:33,530 --> 00:08:35,880
The prostitute's name was God.
190
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,400
She was... Dutch, I believe.
191
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:40,320
No more questions.
This funeral's over.
192
00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:44,800
Why all the long faces?
193
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,930
It's a beautiful day.
Let's chop it up.
194
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:48,760
Is there any difference
between heavy cream
195
00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,550
and heavy whipping cream?
196
00:08:50,590 --> 00:08:53,640
Yeah. They add a protein
that makes it easier to whip.
197
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,380
Oh. Well...
198
00:08:56,420 --> 00:08:58,860
Tuttle's still alive!
We faked the whole thing!
199
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:03,950
Well, shit. Up and at 'em.
Time for plan B.
200
00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:05,340
I'm going, too?!
201
00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:07,130
Absolutely.
202
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:08,690
Your dad's been off his game.
203
00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:11,260
I can't leave you thinking
that's how Big Stan operates.
204
00:09:11,310 --> 00:09:14,400
Is this really a mission for
a 14-year-old to be going on?!
205
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,620
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was
talking to a gray-haired man.
206
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,840
Oh, my God!
207
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,930
Tuttle was dead,
and now he's back to life!
208
00:09:22,970 --> 00:09:25,060
Well, if Tuttle's not dead...
209
00:09:25,100 --> 00:09:27,150
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
210
00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:30,890
Gold medal! Team U.S.A.!
211
00:09:30,930 --> 00:09:33,280
This isn't a dream!
This is really happening!
212
00:09:33,330 --> 00:09:35,030
I know!
213
00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,640
I think we lost 'em.
214
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,690
And if they do catch us,
at least I'll die with friends,
215
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:45,860
which I really never saw
for myself.
216
00:09:45,910 --> 00:09:48,260
We're gonna be fine.
There's a safe house in Vermont.
217
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,560
We just have to get there,
notify the CIA,
218
00:09:50,610 --> 00:09:52,870
and they'll swoop in and
reset everything for Tuttle.
219
00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:54,870
I liked my old life.
220
00:09:54,910 --> 00:09:57,870
Now I'm gonna be shipped off
to somewhere like Antarctica.
221
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,960
I mean, it'll be a nice excuse
to wear my new winter coat,
222
00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:03,750
and there's gotta be
good access to fresh fish.
223
00:10:03,790 --> 00:10:05,320
Can't be much traffic.
224
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,620
Okay! I'm actually
looking forward to it!
225
00:10:07,670 --> 00:10:10,320
Mr. Tuttle, how'd you end up
in witness protection anyway?
226
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,580
Well, back in my 20s,
I lived in Chicago...
227
00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:17,110
and I suffered from
horrible agoraphobia.
228
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,810
Didn't go outside for years.
229
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:24,550
And then one day I forced
myself to face my fears.
230
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,770
But as luck would have it,
Chicago was hosting Mob-Con,
231
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:30,690
and there were
a few families there
232
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:32,300
who didn't care for each other.
233
00:10:34,170 --> 00:10:36,300
Courtesy of the Gambonis!
234
00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:39,740
I saw a mob hit. And then another.
235
00:10:39,790 --> 00:10:42,440
Strike four!
Courtesy of the Gambinos!
236
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,530
Courtesy of the Bingonis!
237
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,620
I had to testify
in a whole mess of trials.
238
00:10:50,670 --> 00:10:52,890
So I was placed
in witness protection.
239
00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:58,110
But I choose to look at it
as a blessing.
240
00:10:58,150 --> 00:11:00,590
Otherwise, I never would have
ended up in Langley Falls
241
00:11:00,630 --> 00:11:01,980
and met you guys!
242
00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:04,900
Geez. Meeting us is the blessing?
243
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,290
Ever wish you just let
the mob kill ya instead?
244
00:11:08,770 --> 00:11:10,860
Sometimes I wonder if they did
245
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,640
and this is actually hell!
246
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,260
The devil lives in hell!
247
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:22,090
He sure does, Dad.
248
00:11:22,130 --> 00:11:24,740
Damn. I'm really not good
at choppin' it up, am I?
249
00:11:24,790 --> 00:11:26,270
Dad, forget it.
250
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:27,789
Let's just focus
on getting Tuttle to...
251
00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:30,710
Dad, why are you pulling over?
252
00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:32,490
Because it's not my fault.
253
00:11:32,530 --> 00:11:34,840
I'm with a nerdy kid
and a snitch loser.
254
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,800
I just need some new energy
in here.
255
00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:40,410
Dad, considering
the circumstances,
256
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,760
we really shouldn't be
inviting strangers into the car!
257
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:45,020
I'm kinda with Steve
on this, Stan.
258
00:11:45,070 --> 00:11:46,590
Can you two chill out?
259
00:11:46,630 --> 00:11:48,770
I gotta get this chop-it-up
monkey off my back.
260
00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:50,860
Don't worry. I'm harmless.
261
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:53,770
Except for one time when I was
passing through Chattanooga.
262
00:11:53,820 --> 00:11:56,510
Well, ya... ya can't blame anyone
263
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,950
for what they do in Chattanooga.
264
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:00,820
A friend of mine from the gym
265
00:12:00,870 --> 00:12:02,830
goes to Europe,
like, all the time.
266
00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:07,790
And at that point,
it was do or die,
267
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:11,400
so I pushed that octopus
right in front of the train.
268
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,310
Can't blame anyone for what
they do in Chattanooga!
269
00:12:14,450 --> 00:12:16,400
Yeah, like the gentleman said...
270
00:12:16,450 --> 00:12:19,670
Hitchhiker, I gotta say, you are
a dazzling conversationalist.
271
00:12:19,710 --> 00:12:22,190
Well, when you're a career
hitchhiker, you have to be.
272
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,460
You rely on people
wanting you in the car.
273
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,020
If you wanna keep
the mileage going,
274
00:12:26,070 --> 00:12:27,810
you gotta keep the convo going.
275
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,070
Did you just make that up?
276
00:12:29,110 --> 00:12:30,980
No.
277
00:12:31,030 --> 00:12:33,460
Would you be willing...
to teach me?
278
00:12:33,510 --> 00:12:36,470
Yes. If you allow me to take
my shoes and socks off.
279
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:37,560
Deal!
280
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,600
Good, 'cause I just took 'em off.
281
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,520
And you'll be able to tell.
282
00:12:46,130 --> 00:12:48,440
The sun is shining.
283
00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:54,010
Two crows are fighting
over a dildo.
284
00:12:54,050 --> 00:12:55,880
Babe's gonna love this.
285
00:12:57,660 --> 00:13:00,360
With all this writing,
I forgot to eat lunch.
286
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,190
Better grab a popsicle.
287
00:13:03,670 --> 00:13:05,980
Two popsicles!
288
00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,630
Wait. I had been doing something,
289
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,850
something that was helping
with my memory.
290
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:17,420
What was it?
291
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:19,340
Two popsicles!
292
00:13:19,380 --> 00:13:22,560
Two crows fighting over a dildo!
293
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,780
Babe's gonna love this!
294
00:13:24,820 --> 00:13:26,300
Hey, babe!
295
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,210
Two popsicles!
296
00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:39,180
Let's fire up a test convo, Stan,
297
00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:40,750
so I can see
what I'm working with.
298
00:13:40,790 --> 00:13:42,620
Tuttle, start us off, chief.
299
00:13:42,660 --> 00:13:45,670
O-kay, well, I, for one,
300
00:13:45,710 --> 00:13:48,890
am really enjoying
all the stars in the sky.
301
00:13:48,930 --> 00:13:51,370
Yeah. Don't get this
in the big city.
302
00:13:51,410 --> 00:13:54,110
I saw a video on YouTube
of a rat dying!
303
00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:55,760
Okay. We'll pause there.
304
00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:58,070
Let's start with a concept
called "Fit,"
305
00:13:58,110 --> 00:13:59,310
and that's gonna be
a three-pronger
306
00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:00,860
for a guy like you, Stan.
307
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:03,210
One, does what I have to say fit
308
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,340
with the subject
of the conversation?
309
00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:07,120
- At all?
- Interesting.
310
00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,650
Steve, write all this down
for me, 'kay?
311
00:14:09,690 --> 00:14:12,560
Two, does it fit with the tone?
312
00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:16,260
Happy versus sad,
nice versus mean.
313
00:14:16,310 --> 00:14:19,880
And, three, does it fit,
just, like, space-wise?
314
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,050
Because if someone else
is already talking,
315
00:14:22,090 --> 00:14:23,620
the... the answer is no.
316
00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:24,970
Make sense?
317
00:14:26,970 --> 00:14:29,580
Steve, go ahead and read
all that back to me.
318
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:32,020
Anyone can string words
together...
319
00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:33,850
Gravel, thunder, swimming pool.
320
00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:35,930
Oh, yeah, that sounds nice!
321
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:38,500
No, Stan, that's actually
the opposite of what I'm saying.
322
00:14:38,550 --> 00:14:41,370
90% of talking is listening.
323
00:14:42,770 --> 00:14:45,070
They found us!
324
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,080
That guy's from the funeral, Dad!
325
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,690
Mangia this bullet, you snitch!
326
00:14:52,730 --> 00:14:55,740
That was too close, Dad!
We gotta be more careful!
327
00:14:55,780 --> 00:14:57,300
You saw what happened to that guy,
328
00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:59,390
and you think
we should be more careful?
329
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,050
Here it is, the safe house.
330
00:15:05,830 --> 00:15:09,400
Dad, why aren't you, getting out?
331
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:12,100
I think you and I both know
why I'm not getting out.
332
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,190
I've gotta keep driving around
with Hitchhiker.
333
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,800
I'm this close to
choppin' it up like a master.
334
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,020
- No, you're not.
- Shut up!
335
00:15:18,060 --> 00:15:19,500
See? We're already
ribbin' each other.
336
00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:20,890
- No, we're not.
- Damn you to hell!
337
00:15:20,940 --> 00:15:23,200
You guys head in.
I'll be back in no time.
338
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,640
You see how close I am.
339
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,640
Dad, don't go!
340
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:31,210
Well, Steve, I guess
that puts you in charge.
341
00:15:38,950 --> 00:15:40,090
CYBORG #
Over there!
342
00:15:45,090 --> 00:15:47,010
CYBORG #Whoa.
343
00:15:47,050 --> 00:15:48,700
What's this?
344
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,020
Guys, I'm back!
345
00:15:57,060 --> 00:15:59,710
The Hitchhiker told me he
couldn't teach me anything more
346
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:01,065
and then just walked
into the ocean.
347
00:16:02,850 --> 00:16:05,020
There you boneheads are!
348
00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:06,980
Come on! Let's chop it up!
349
00:16:08,110 --> 00:16:11,160
Pointing? Okay. How about...
350
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,730
Nice point. You should be
a pencil for Halloween!
351
00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:16,990
See? These guys get it.
352
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:18,950
No. We're laughin' at you.
353
00:16:18,990 --> 00:16:21,210
Rude dude alert.
354
00:16:26,780 --> 00:16:29,310
How long after I left
did the mafia get here?
355
00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,180
Like right away.
Maybe two minutes?
356
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:33,050
Okay. Good.
I don't have to feel bad
357
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,050
about stopping for dinner
with Hitchhiker.
358
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:36,920
Wouldn't have changed anything.
359
00:16:36,970 --> 00:16:39,930
Our three families have
been warring for decades,
360
00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:41,840
but looking for you, Tuttle,
361
00:16:41,890 --> 00:16:44,060
has brought us together
peacefully!
362
00:16:44,110 --> 00:16:46,760
So does that mean
you're not gonna kill me?
363
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,550
Oh, no, we're
definitely killing you.
364
00:16:48,590 --> 00:16:51,770
Please! You can't!
Is he perfect? No!
365
00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:54,550
But he's a good guy, and I'll
feel responsible if he dies.
366
00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:57,640
Nah, you won't feel anything.
You'll be dead, too.
367
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,340
Not taking care of witnesses
368
00:16:59,380 --> 00:17:01,560
is kinda how we ended up
in this mess.
369
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,390
Plus, this way, each family
gets to kill one person,
370
00:17:04,430 --> 00:17:07,220
which'll keep things fair
in our uneasy alliance.
371
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,220
Just give us a minute
to decide who kills who.
372
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:12,440
I'm sorry chopping it up
brought us to this.
373
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,570
- It happens!
- It's just...
374
00:17:14,610 --> 00:17:16,750
I'm your hero in every
other aspect of life.
375
00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:18,050
You are?
376
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,530
I couldn't handle even
one teeny, tiny area
377
00:17:20,580 --> 00:17:23,320
where you didn't look at me
as an absolute god.
378
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,540
But fortunately no one has to die,
379
00:17:25,580 --> 00:17:28,110
because Big Stan has a plan.
380
00:17:28,150 --> 00:17:29,630
What you've both forgotten is that
381
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:31,630
I'm a master
of chopping it up now.
382
00:17:32,850 --> 00:17:34,550
I'm gonna go chat
with the mafia guys,
383
00:17:34,590 --> 00:17:36,070
and when they're
completely engrossed,
384
00:17:36,110 --> 00:17:38,200
you two slip out the back
and call the police.
385
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:40,120
All that's gonna do
is get you shot first!
386
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,900
Stan. You got this.
387
00:17:42,950 --> 00:17:44,950
Thanks, Tuttle.
388
00:17:44,990 --> 00:17:47,340
All right. Game time, bitches.
389
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:51,130
Can I do this guy?
390
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:56,050
You guys wanna see
a picture of a rose?
391
00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:58,620
Sure. We'll check it out.
392
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,920
- Oh, it's beautiful!
- Soo red!
393
00:18:01,970 --> 00:18:05,400
And I'm just now appreciatin'
that strong, spiky stem!
394
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:08,280
I'd gladly receive a kiss
from this rose.
395
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,320
Like the song!
396
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:15,630
He's doin' it!
He's choppin' it up!
397
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,940
Such a nicely composed photo.
Did you take this?
398
00:18:18,980 --> 00:18:21,290
Yeah, I took it. Off the Internet!
399
00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:32,690
And, class,
400
00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:35,040
Stan was so good at conversing now
401
00:18:35,090 --> 00:18:36,780
that he used his silver tongue
402
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:40,270
to actually "chop up"
the bad guys.
403
00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:43,310
It's all here
in The Book of Fischer.
404
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,920
After our lord and savior,
Tuttle, died and rose again,
405
00:18:46,970 --> 00:18:49,580
this was the first miracle
he performed...
406
00:18:49,620 --> 00:18:51,580
Giving an ordinary man the ability
407
00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:54,930
to chop up wrongdoers
with his words.
408
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,330
How do we know
any of this is true?
409
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,810
Part of being
a Tuttle's Witness is faith.
410
00:19:03,850 --> 00:19:07,210
Once you have truly welcomed
Tuttle into your life,
411
00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:09,770
you'll know in your heart
that everything
412
00:19:09,820 --> 00:19:11,640
in The Book of Fischer is true,
413
00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:13,910
every story enlightening,
414
00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:16,650
every spelling mistake meaningful.
415
00:19:16,690 --> 00:19:18,480
But wait a second.
416
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,260
How did the prophet Fischer
even record this story?
417
00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:24,610
It happened after his book was
entombed in the refrigerator.
418
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:28,230
Not all stories are told linearly.
419
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:30,190
Time to color in
your picture of a rose.
420
00:19:37,890 --> 00:19:41,370
You guys wanna see
a picture of a rose?
421
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,210
Tuttle, easy. It's over.
422
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,080
What the hell, Tuttle?!
We had a plan!
423
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,250
The rose was
about to do its thing!
424
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:57,040
Have you had that gun
the whole time?
425
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,910
Yeah, I've been a marked man
for 20 years.
426
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:02,300
But I've never
had to use it before.
427
00:20:02,350 --> 00:20:04,700
Well, everyone who knew
you were alive is dead.
428
00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:08,140
So I guess you can either
go back to Langley Falls
429
00:20:08,180 --> 00:20:10,230
or your life before that.
430
00:20:10,270 --> 00:20:12,620
I'll go back to Langley.
431
00:20:12,660 --> 00:20:14,620
That's where I have
the most friends.
432
00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:17,490
I'll never be as funny
as you are, Tuttle.
433
00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:19,630
Do we have to do
something about this?
434
00:20:19,670 --> 00:20:22,110
It's a safe house, not an Airbnb.
435
00:20:22,150 --> 00:20:25,150
We don't have to "load
the dishwasher" before we go.
436
00:20:27,370 --> 00:20:29,940
The Parable of Chopping It Up
437
00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:32,330
is one of my favorites.
438
00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:34,070
Can we go to McCyberDonald's
on the way home?
439
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,860
Ask your father. Here he comes.
440
00:20:39,990 --> 00:20:43,300
Still alive and kickin'
after all these years!
441
00:20:43,350 --> 00:20:45,430
Pretty annoying how everyone
worships Jeff now,
442
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,090
but gotta put up with it...
443
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:49,740
'cause I can't get enough
of these sexy robot people!
444
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:53,140
Stop!
33860
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