All language subtitles for Licorice1.Pizza.2021.1080p.BluRay.x264-PiGNUS

Oh, my God. I'm coughing.

- Do you like it?
- I like it.

This is
an announcement about Picture Day.

Freshman class portrait at 9:30.
Sophomore class portrait at 10:30.

Juniors will be during lunch.

That wasn't hard.

- Shut up, bitch.
- You shut up.

Okay, man.

I'm like a giant.

Cherry bomb!

Comb?

Mirror? Comb? No?

Mirror?

- Comb?
- Banzai!

Oh! Fuck off, asshole.

I'll take it.

So, what's your name?

Talkative. I like that.

How's your day going?

Yeah.

Dinner tonight?

Are you asking me out?

Yes.

I'm not going on a date with you.
You're 12.

You're funny. I'm 15.

How old are you?

You're not supposed to ask that.

You're not supposed to ask a girl
how old she is. Annoying.

You're right. It doesn't matter to me.

How are you gonna pay for dinner?

If I say yes and we go on a date
for dinner, how are you gonna pay?

You say everything twice.

- I don't say everything twice.
- You do.

What is this "say everything twice"?

Come on. How are you gonna pay?

Do you go to the movies?

Of course I go to the movies.

- Did you see Under One Roof?
- Yeah.

You're looking at Tony.

There's, like, a million kids
in that movie. I don't know a Tony.

I want you to have dinner with me,
not my work.

I'm not trying to brag, but you did ask
how I was gonna pay for dinner.

Mmm, you're such an actor.
You're such an actor.

What else have you been in?

- This House Is Haunted.
- No.

- Two Beds, Two Baths.
- Mm-mmm.

I've done three sketches
on The Merv Griffin Show.

- Did you see me on--
- All right.

Don't list your whole résumé. It's braggy.
I'm not going on a date with you, man.

You're 15.

"Man."

I like that.

"Kid." How about that?

I'm not going on a date
with you, kid. You're 15.

Don't call it a date. It's not a date.
Just come say hello.

I like the way you look.

I like talking with you.

- Where do you live?
- Encino.

Encino?
I live in Encino. Where in Encino?

- On Hatteras.
- Hatteras and what?

Ugh! Creep. "Hatteras and what?
Hatteras and what?"

- I'm not telling you where I live.
- I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock tonight.

- I don't care where you'll be.
- I go Thursday for dinner.

Where are your parents
while all this is happening?

They're working. Just come say hi.

Just shut up.

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez
around 6:30. He's in bed by 7:30.

Wait, you go all the way from Encino
to Tail o' the Cock for dinner?

- I live in Sherman Oaks.
- Oh, come on.

I take my brother Greg to Tastee-Freez
around 6:30. He's in bed by 7:30.

I slip around the corner
to Tail o' the Cock for my dinner.

That's where I'll be.
I'm not trying to pressure you.

You are pressuring me. You are.
That's what you're doing.

If you wanna come and say hello,
if it's convenient within your plans,

I'd love to see you.

Convenient within my plans?
Wait, you leave your brother alone?

How old is he?

He's eight. Nine.

You're hilarious.

You can't even keep
your own stories straight.

What are you? You're like a little
Robert Goulet, Dean Martin or something.

- Where'd you come from?
- Sherman Oaks.

Huh! Sherman Oaks.

- Hi, Alana.
- Hi, Cindy.

Did you know we got
a big movie star here?

Gary Valentine.

Your name is Valentine?

Valentine.

- Should I get an autograph?
- Don't bother.

I've been right here the whole time.

I get this feeling
I was meant to know you, Alana.

You know I'm 25, right?

I could be your friend,
but I can't be your girlfriend.

- That's illegal.
- You give me hope.

This is fate that brought us together.

- This is fate.
- Shut up.

Card.

Anyway, I'm trying
to spend my time with you.

- Is that bad?
- Stop that.

Turn your legs around. Not too down.
Look up, look up.

Uh, close your mouth just a little bit.

Just see a little bit of teeth. Little
bit of teeth. Go on, like a tiger.

And off it. Go on. Next. Next.

How have I never seen you before?
How have we never met?

Stop talking so much, slimy.

We'll see. I doubt it, but we'll see.

Now I gotta get back to work
and you have to get back to class.

Stop using time as an excuse, Alana.
Our roads took us here.

Stop sounding like a philosophy guy,
Albert Einstein. Maybe I'll see you later.

I'm not gonna see you later.

Just get your chin up just a little bit
like that, darling.

Chin up, chin up.

I met the girl
I'm gonna marry one day, Greg.

Oh, yeah?

And you're gonna be my best man.

So, two down and Garvey the batter.

I'll be at the Tail o' the Cock
if you need me.

Love you, Greggo.

Love you, too.

Steve finished
the regular season with 111 RBIs,

three more than Jimmy Wynn.

Don't be creepy, please.

Will you stop with the googly eyes?

Excuse me, Don.

Can I have two Cokes?

Sure, Gary, you got it.

Thank you.

Stop.

What?

I can hear you breathing.

Stop.

- Breathing?
- Yes.

So, Alana, what are your plans?

I don't know.

What's your future look like?

I don't know.

How do you like working at Tiny Toes?

I hate working at Tiny Toes.

You should start your own business.

What business should I be in?

I don't know. What do you like?

I don't know.

You're an actress.
You should be an actress.

So how'd you become
such a hotshot actor?

- I'm a showman. It's my calling.
- Ugh.

I don't know how to do anything else.
It's what I'm meant to do.

Since I was a kid,
I've been a song-and-dance man.

Come on.

Ever since you were a kid?
Song-and-dance man?

Where are your parents?

My mom works for me.

- Oh, of course she does.
- Yes, in my public relations company.

In your public relations company?

- Because you have that?
- Yes.

- And you're an actor.
- Yes.

And you're a secret agent too?

Well, no,
I'm not a secret agent. That's funny.

Are you joking?

Well, no, I'm not.

That's a lot.

It gets complicated.

I'm sure. And all that math homework
you have to do after everything.

My mom's in Las Vegas right now
taking care of the Hacienda Hotel,

which leaves me back here.

We do PR for Tail o' the Cock
and Chadney's.

- I like Chadney's.
- You like Chadney's?

- Yeah.
- Do you like Japanese food?

- I don't really know what that is.
- The Mikado?

- I'm taking you to the Mikado next time.
- Next time?

Yeah.

The food's magnificent.

You're sweet, Gary.

You're gonna be rich in a mansion
by the time you're 16.

I'm gonna be here,

taking photos of kids
for their yearbooks when I'm 30.

You're never gonna remember me.

I'm not gonna forget you.

Just like you're not gonna forget me.

If I ask for your phone number,
would you give it to me?

Why should I give you my phone number?

So I can call you.

- I don't know, Gary.
- Why not?

How are you gonna remember it?

It's only seven numbers.

758-4686.

- 756-4686.
- You already got it wrong.

758-4686.

All right, Don Rickles.

Don't call me all the time, okay?

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Remember that.

Well, you know.

I know.

Hi, Dad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up?

What?

What's going on?

Nothing.

What time is it now?

10:00.

What'd you do?

I told you what I was gonna do
this morning.

- What?
- Go to dinner with Lisa.

- Lisa?
- Yeah.

Who the fuck is Lisa?

Dad, you know Lisa.

- Lisa? I don't know Lisa.
- Yeah, she works with me at Tiny Toes.

- What?
- Yes.

Where were you?
Why are you dressed like that?

Were you on a date?
Looks like it was a long date.

Get out of my room, Este.

"His name is Jerome H. Frick.

His friends know him simply as Jerry,
and his attractive young wife as Mioko.

Their new restaurant Mikado

is a delightful dinery
featuring foods of Japan

and it should be quite authentic,

for Jerry had a restaurant
some 15 years in Tokyo.

The entire staff,
with the exception of Jerry, is Japanese

and those "little doll" waitresses are
dressed fittingly in colorful kimonos.

Give it a try.
We think you'll be delighted."

Oh, that's wonderful, Anita.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, of course. It's just wonderful.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

Uh, do you think we should mention
something about the serenity, though?

The, uh-- The pleasant quiet?

Yes, and I wish that we had space
to include everything,

because it's such a beautiful
restaurant, but if we choose one thing...

Right. Okay. Let's just...

Oh, Mioko, how you think of this?

What you think of item for newspaper?

Oh! Oh, Yoko-san.

I think the cuisine is not mentioned.

She's wondering
if we mentioned the cuisine.

Of-- Uh...

- The cuisine?
- Mm-hmm.

I think we did talk about that,
didn't we?

I-- I might-- I have an earlier draft.

Here it is. "There is a complete roster
of Japanese appetizers available

while sipping American
or Japanese spirits.

For the daring, sashimi is offered.

But don't worry,
there are many American dishes too.

Mikado is for the gourmet
and the non-gourmet alike."

What you think of that?

Much better talking about
the cuisine than the waitresses.

- Thank you.
- Oh, fantastic.

- I will make a note of that.
- Sure.

That's what we'll send to the paper.

Thank you so much
for coming in to G and G Agency.

Really appreciate it, Anita.
Thank you so much.

- Arigato.
- Of course.

7:20 with Charlie.

I'll make that call
to the girl selected by the computer...

So...

I'm afraid you're
gonna be upset with me.

I can't take you to New York
for The Jerry Best Show.

I have to go to Las Vegas.

- I'm not upset.
- No?

No. Why is that bad?

Well, you can't go to New York
without a parent or a guardian.

They're not gonna let you
do the press tour without a chaperone.

The Salisbury steak is delicious.
How's the chicken?

Delicious.

Excuse me, sir.
Could I offer you another beverage?

I beg your pardon?

Can I get you something else to drink?

What's your name?

- Um, it's Brenda.
- Brenda.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's a beautiful name.

Um, I'll take two Cokes, Brenda.

Okay.

Are you one of the actors?

Yes, I am.

Hola.

¿Cómo está?

- I'm Lance.
- Hi.

- Me llamo Alana.
- Alana.

Bien. Bien.

- Hey, Gar.
- Lance.

How's things back here?
Pretty smooth ride, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Never flown this bird before.

- What'd you have for lunch?
- Salisbury steak.

I had the chicken.

They did have steak back here?
Good, good.

All right. Well, hey,
very nice to meet you, Alana.

I'll see you on the tarmac.

Charmed.

Wow, super-hot chaperone, Gar. Nice one.

That's my friend.
Don't think about that.

Oh, man, are you kidding?

My mind's racing,
doing circles around that track.

Hello, boys.

- Hey, Lucy.
- Hi, Lucy.

Hey, Mark, how ya doing?

Good. How are you?

- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Lucy.

Harold.

My name's Henry. You know it.

- How ya doing, Lucy?
- Hey, Lance.

And, Valentine, don't.
Just don't in here.

What's that? What is that? V?
Is that for vagina?

Why are you doing that?
Why do people keep doing that?

It's peace and love, baby.

Aw, shut it, you little shit.

Now, cut the comedy
and don't be an ass out there.

Good show, everybody.

Thank you, Lucy.

Sweetheart, do not embarrass Mommy,
okay? Have fun.

Break legs. Break legs.

Watch for me on stage.
I'll send you a signal.

- I'll make a joke just for you.
- Okay.

Straight ahead.

Keep going straight ahead to the stage.

To the right.

Lucy, I wanna tell you
how much we enjoyed your visit tonight.

Before you go, I'd like the audience
to meet those wonderful 18 children...

- Wonderful.
- ...who played the kids in Under One Roof.

I think they'd like that.

- Are they back here?
- Yes.

And here they are!

Rise and shine.

I'm his chaperone.

- I'm his chaperone.
- Shh!

Lance,
how's things in Hollywood for you?

Things are going real well, Jerry.

I just did a guest spot on Banacek
with George Peppard for NBC.

- George Peppard. That's great.
- Thank you.

How about you, Gary?

Uh, well, last week I did Three Beavers.

Leave It To Beaver?

Three Beavers.

Hi, what's your name?

Thank you for asking, Jerry.

- Boo.
- My name is Margo.

Hi, Margo.

- There you are, my--
- You little shit!

You worthless prick!

You think you're funny, huh?
You think you're funny?

Humiliating me
in front of millions of people.

These are my fans.
You cannot treat me like this.

This is the end for you.
I'm coming to get you.

Baby, are you okay?

She didn't seem too happy.

No. Is she like that all the time?

More or less, yeah.

How are you doing?

- Good.
- Good.

All right, I should go
get out of these pajamas.

- Okay.
- I'll see you.

Bye.

- Thank you, William.
- Thanks, Vic.

Right down the stairs, young man.

Gary?

- Gary Valentine. Nice to see you.
- Vic. Nice to see you.

What've you been up to?

I was in New York on a PR trip
for Under One Roof. The Jerry Best Show.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God, you're huge.

- Oh, hi, Gale.
- Wow. Gary.

- Nice to see you.
- You've really grown a lot, huh?

- Yeah.
- Good. You're eating your vegetables...

And action.

You can wear
the new Sears 10-in-1 suit this way.

Or this way.

Or try this all-new vest suit look.
Or seven other ways.

Perfect, man. You still got it.
Thank you, Gary. Really appreciate it.

- Thank you.
- Thanks for coming in.

How ya doing?

Good. Divorced, but losing weight,
so very nice. Oh.

- Well, you look great.
- Thank you.

How about a cold read?

Sure, let's do it.

And action.

"My face is a..."

- Sorry. Can I do it one more time?
- Sure.

"My fa..."

"My face is a pimply mess
and I don't know what to do."

Cut. Fantabulous! You still got it, man.

- Thanks.
- Really terrific.

- Thanks, Gary.
- Good to see you guys.

- Great to see you.
- Bye, Gary.

- Bye, Gary.
- Bye, you guys.

You're listening
to Todd Rundgren's new album.

Now, if you have a pair of headphones,

you better get 'em out
and get 'em cranked up,

'cause they're really gonna help.

Something/Anything? written, performed
and produced by Todd Rundgren,

now on Bearsville Records,
wherever tapes and records are sold.

Mom, do you wanna eat the burgers
in the car or at home?

- Do you wanna go home?
- Let's go home.

What should Mom do?
Sleep with the kids,

tell Henrietta no, or make sure
they all have their own sleeping bags?

"Make sure they all have
their own sleeping bags."

...a coed slumber party.

What should Mom do, Mike?

No question in my mind.
Tell Henrietta no.

Provide separate rooms, uh-uh.
Tell Henrietta no. That's...

Mike would say,
"Henrietta, no." Sheri?

I would love to sleep with the kids,

but I think as long
as she's only 13, I agree.

Hello?

Hello?

Is Alana there?

Yeah. Who's this?

Lance.

Yeah, hold on one second.

Alana, it's Lance.

I believe that
you should provide separate rooms.

I don't think
you should call the party off...

Hello?

Lance?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I can hear someone breathing.

The phone's ringing.

Louis says provide separate rooms.
Tracy?

I'd tell Henrietta no
because she's too young.

Mike and Sheri were the only couple

who agrees with telling Henrietta no.

Not one of you have said--
suggested sleeping with the kids.

Nice.

Lance...

are you ready for nice dinner?

Very ready.

- Thank you for having me again.
- Good. Wonderful.

Are you ready to do
a berakah on the challah?

Oh, wow, thank you.

However, I must respectfully refuse.
I'm an atheist.

You're Jewish.

Well, you're certainly right.
I was born into Judaism,

but my personal path
has led me to atheism.

You see,
I just can't believe there's a God

when I see all the
suffering in the world.

Vietnam, you know?

So, with all due respect, no, sir.
I can't do the blessing, but thank you.

What does your penis look like?

What?

What does your penis look like?

Like a regular penis, I guess.

Is it circumcised?

Yeah.

Then you're a fucking Jew!

Why would you do that?
Why would you do that?

He was maybe gonna be my boyfriend.

Listen, young lady, you don't bring
this idiot to Shabbat dinner here.

Listen, Dad, he's an atheist
and an actor, and he's famous.

- But he's Jewish.
- He was gonna take me out of here.

Este, don't you even look at me.
You're always looking at me.

- Oh, my God. I didn't say anything.
- What are you doing?

What are you doing?
What are you thinking?

"I'm Este. I work for Mom and Dad.

I'm perfect. I'm a real estate agent.
Alana doesn't have her life together.

Alana brings home stupid boyfriends
all the time."

- I mean...
- I knew it.

I knew that was what you were thinking.

You're always thinking things,
you thinker.

You thinker! You think things!

Gotta stop fighting with everyone
all the time.

Oh, fuck off, Danielle.

Hello, baby. How can I help you?

What is that?

That is a bed made of water, sweetheart.

What's your name?

Gary.

Gary, won't you come in
and take a closer look at it?

It won't bite.

Come on, baby.

It's nice, isn't it?

Hop on.

Groove on that.

How much does it cost?

$69.95. Do you dig it?
Do you love it?

Nobody's gonna sleep
on mattresses anymore.

That's old hat, Jack.
That's for squares.

Do you sell a lot of these?

No, you're my first customer.

How long has it been out?

Just a couple of days.
It's modern edge.

Out-there sleep-and-dream technology.

Liquid luxury for you.

You can impress your lady friend.

Teen-age Fair, Hollywood Palladium.

Rock with Jericho, Crystal Fire,
Nirvana, and others.

Bigger, more fun, the Teen-age Fair.

Friday, April 2nd, 6:00 to midnight,
then every day through Easter...

Come on, boys.

Sonny and Cher, Tim. Sonny and Cher.

Nope. No Sonny.

We're not open yet.

- You're the real Herman Munster?
- Can I have your autograph?

No, we're not open.
Yes, I'm the real Herman Munster.

But you can't be here right now.
You can't go through here.

Go on!

David!

Hey, Gary. I got a really good idea.

Okay.

Um, I have my dad's pipe.

So, we should give your customers
some weed to help sell waterbeds.

Yeah, that is actually a good idea. Do
you mind grabbing lights from the car?

- Yeah, okay.
- Thank you.

Weird-ohs. Let me see...

Taco minibike.

Black light. Photo booth.

Okay. Let's sell some beds.

There's my star. There's my star.

Magical. Magical.
Head right here, facing that way.

Lovely. Lovely. Look that way.
Look that way.

Arm like this. Arm like this.

Who wants to be famous?
Who wants to be famous?

- Hey, Gary. Gary. Hey.
- Just guess the amount of--

I know where I can find some LSD. Think
that would be better than the weed?

No, no, no. Keep it with the grass, man.

Keep it with the grass.
Keep it with the grass.

Have you guys ever been to the ocean?

- Yeah, why?
- Sure.

You remember that relaxing feeling
of just laying on the water?

- Laying on the water?
- Yeah.

Have that every night
with a Soggy Bottom waterbed.

Keep the energy up, Kiki.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hello, handsome.

Come here often?

No, 'cause I'm not a teenager.

I'm selling earrings for my friend JoJo.

Is your bottom soggy?
Having trouble sleeping?

Well, now that you mention it...

Boyfriend trouble?

No boyfriend.

So I don't really have trouble.

Well, that's good.

Let me introduce you

to the greatest invention in sleeping
since the innerspring.

I've seen these before.
These are far out.

Oh, hi, Kiki.

Hey, Alana.

What are you doing here?

Seeing this little David Cassidy.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm working for him.

Is that so?

So, how many dots is it?

Who knows?
I don't think they even counted.

- Gary.
- What's going on?

- Gary!
- Gary! Officers?

- Whoa, what's going--
- Gary!

- What? Officer--
- No, Gary! No!

- No! Gary!
- There must be a mistake.

- Gary!
- Gary, what did you do?

Officer, what did I do?

Officers, he's innocent. He's a kid.

- He has rights!
- Officer, what did I do?

- What are your badge numbers?
- What did I do?

I will be reporting you
to the chief of police immediately

when I get outside.

Where's he going?

Gary, don't worry. Don't worry.
I'm gonna find you, okay?

Don't worry, okay?

187 suspect is wearing a blue shirt

with long red-brown hair.

Suspect is armed and dangerous.

Fuck off, teenagers!

187 suspect headed south
on Vine, turned left on Selma.

Headed south on Argyle.
Made a left into the Palladium.

Suspect is wearing a blue shirt,
white pants.

- White male, aged 16, long red-brown hair.

I'm not 16, I'm 15.
My birthday is not till next month.

You're going to jail, big boy.
You're going to jail for murder.

Have fun in Attica, dickhead.

Hey, that's him.

That's not him.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on!

What did you do?

Did you murder someone, huh?

What, do you have drugs on you?

What did you do, Gary?

No, I-- No, I threw it out.

Hey, "Soggy Bottom" sounds like
someone shit their pants.

I know, I know.

- That's not good.
- I know.

That's only funny to you guys.
But when someone wants to buy a bed,

they don't wanna think about shitting,
or shitty diapers, or shit in pants.

A bed's not just for sleeping, Alana.

Well, if it's not just for sleeping,
I think you mean it's for sex.

"Soggy Bottom"
isn't making anyone hot or horny.

- It doesn't make you hot?
- No.

"Everybody's talking about
waterbeds these days, right?

And it's with good reason,

because the waterbed
is the greatest thing to happen to sleep

since the invention of the innerspring."

Okay.

"If you've been thinking about
getting a waterbed,

now you can have one delivered
to your very door.

All you gotta do is call

the world's largest manufacturer
of waterbeds: Pacific Waterbeds.

They present
Fat Bernie's king-size waterbeds."

I love the name. Yeah.

"A six-foot-by-seven-foot waterbed,
you got a $100 value for only $39.95.

It's $39.95 for your very own king-size
Fat Bernie waterbed if you act now.

Call 451-3631
and have a Fat Bernie waterbed

delivered COD right to your very door,

with a ten-day, money-back guarantee
if you're not satisfied.

Your loved one will love you for it."

Well, whomever he or she may be,
or maybe you have two or three,

or maybe you wanna tell somebody
that you love them,

you're not exactly sure
how you're gonna do it,

you can tell them
with a king-size Fat Bernie waterbed.

You'll even love yourself for it.

Maybe all you wanna do
is just ensconce yourself

in your own king-size waterbed
with nobody around to bother you.

That is some real narcissism, okay?

It's KPPC Pasadena.
We've got The Doors coming up next.

You're right.
You're always right.

Fat Bernie's. How may I help you?

- Oh, great.
- Shit. Shit.

Pacific Waterbeds presents
Fat Bernie's waterbeds.

How may I help you?

- Hiya, Gene.
- Hi.

- What do you got today?
- Hi, Gene.

- Hello.
- Just some boxes.

Assholes!

Take it.

- I got 400.
- 400.

- 150.
- I have 400.

And then you have...

Wait, I think
there might have been 19 there.

Not that good of a start.

- No, we had 21.
- No, we only had 19.

"Fat Bernie's..."

It's small on the bottom.

Too many "Fat Bernie's."

Yeah, but it can be small. That's fine.

And then...

Let's try...

Are you left-handed?

Yeah. You didn't know that?

No. I've never met anyone
left-handed before.

Really?

- Gary! There he is.
- Jerry. Good to see you.

- How you doing?
- Good to see you, my friend.

- All right.
- Hi, Mioko.

No, no, no. Mioko is gone.
This is my new wife, Kimiko.

- Hi, Kimiko.
- Pretty as a picture.

Who's this pretty thing?

This is my lady friend, Alana.

- How do you do, Alana?
- Business partner.

- A pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.

Jerry,
I wanted to talk to you about this.

Hold up, hold up. Let's do it right.

Let's sit down and have
something to drink first, okay?

- Sounds great.
- After you.

Thank you, Jerry.

Oh, Gary, I love you,
and I wanna do anything for you.

But I just don't really think
these fit in my restaurant.

We're Japanese, and this waterbed
business is strictly American.

Uh, Kimiko,
what you think of this waterbed?

What did she just say?

It's hard to tell.
I don't speak Japanese.

Gary, I wanna help,

but can I help without putting these out
inside everywhere?

Oh, hey, Alana.

Hey, Frisbee.

You work here?

Unfortunately. What are you doing?

Helping my friend
with his waterbed business.

- Gary?
- Yeah. You know him?

Yeah, I love that kid.

- You love him?
- Uh-huh.

How do you know him?

He's in here all the time.
He's a friend of Jerry's.

Yeah.

He's cute for a little hustler.

He's also really smart
and a good businessman.

Hey, do you still work at Tiny Toes?

No. No, I'm partners with Gary now.

Oh. The "Hand Man."

Did he try and get a hand job from you?

Yeah, he's asking all the time.

Good. I'll pass the baton off to you.

Okay, I'll see you later, Frisbee.

Okay. Say hi to your sisters for me.

I could describe the sensation

as a soft, spongy, slow-motion
trampoline without the great bounce.

Sexier. Sexier. Make it sexier.

There's no-- I can't--
There's no floor model for me to try?

No, but you can get the bed

and if you don't like it,
we can do a money-back guarantee.

Alana, you have to be sexier
or he's not gonna buy it.

- I'll give you a call back.
- Don't let him get off the phone.

What's your name?

Uh, Ted.

- Ted.
- Yeah.

Ah, Ted, I love that name.

Okay.

- My name's Alana.
- Hi, Alana.

Can I come and install the bed for you?

What?

I'd lay it down and
show you how it works.

It moves in a similar way to the ocean,

wet inside.

And it takes some getting used to,
but once you're in there, ah, Ted,

I don't think you're gonna be
asking any questions.

Sounds like you just sold
a waterbed, Alana.

Tell me, what time can you be over
with that bed?

Oh, well. Eager.

I have to wait until my work is done.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I have a mean, old boss
that makes me work all day.

Why don't you tell Fat Bernie you
have work to do and get out of there?

Oh. Fat Bernie is so mean, Ted.

Sounds like it.

He keeps me locked up inside.

But you know what, Ted?

What's that?

I know you're gonna love our wet beds.

- You know what they come with?
- What's that?

A wood headboard.

And that wood is strong
and sticks straight up against the wall.

That sounds great.

We don't have wood headboards.

I'm gonna hand you off
to my associate Kirk

and he's gonna take down
all your information

and I'm gonna be at your place later,
Ted.

Thank you for calling Fat Bernie's.
Have a nice day.

What are you doing? We don't have beds.

Well, we better get some, because water
in a plastic bag is a water balloon.

With a frame, it's a bed.
Let's go to Northridge Lumber--

I wrote good dialogue.
You're improvising too much.

You told me to make it more sexy.

I told you to make it more sexy.

I didn't tell you, "Go over
to the guy's house and get in his bed."

I told you I'm a good actress,
Gary. I told you.

Don't tell me to make it more sexy, man.

If you want it more sexy,
I'll make it fucking horny.

So, just say yes.
To whatever she asks you, just say yes.

Let's say, if she asks you
if you can sing, say yes.

If she asks if you can dance, say yes.

I can sing, and I can dance.

No, I know. I know. I know.

I'm just saying that if she asks you
if you can do something

that you might not know how to do,
just say yes.

Because you can always learn
how to do something

once you get the part.

So just say yes to whatever she asks.

Whatever she asks, just say yes.

- Just say yes.
- Okay, I got it.

Okay. Hi, Janice.

Hi, Gary.

- Mary.
- Oh, darling.

So, Gary tells me
that you've been studying

at Everywoman's Village
with Milton Farmer.

Yes.

I love his work with young actors.
He is a miracle worker.

You have a warm smile,

which is very powerful.

And you have a very Jewish nose...

...which is becoming
very fashionable.

I am getting a lot more requests
for Jewish girls.

Really? That's great.

No.

No.

No.

Love to Tatum.

Are you athletic?

You seem to have a very firm body.

Yes.

Do you know how to horseback-ride?

Yes.

Uh, do you know how to do fencing?

Yes, I can fence.

- Basketball?
- Yes.

- Baseball?
- Yes.

- Soccer?
- Yes.

Any other sports or special skills
that I should know about?

I studied Krav Maga.

Well, I don't know what that is.
What is Quick Draw McGraw?

It's martial arts from Israel.
It's used in combat.

My dad was in the Israeli army.
We all know it.

So it's a form of karate, let's say.

It's more like, "How to use a pen
to stab someone's eye out."

You're a goddamn fucking fighter,
aren't you?

I like that.

I can see that.

You come here
trying to be all pretty for me,

but really, you remind me...

of a dog.

Of an English pit bull dog...

with sex appeal and...

a very Jewish nose.

Uh, do you know any other languages,
besides English?

Hebrew.

Besides Hebrew.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Um, Spanish.

French.

Latin.

And Portuguese.

Bueno...

fantástico.

Would you be willing to work topless?

Yes.

No.

You will lose out on work
if you're not willing to do nudity.

So you'd be naked in a movie,
but you wouldn't make out with me?

You'd show the whole world your boobs,
but I'm not allowed to see?

You told me to say yes to everything.

I told you to say no to that.

- Well, I didn't know what to say.
- Say no!

I would get naked in a movie
if it gave me the part.

Actresses get naked in movies
all the time.

What's wrong with that, Gary?

Because there's too much nudity
in pictures right now.

- Oh, come on.
- And you're my friend. We're friends.

And you'd do it in a movie,
you'd show your boobs in a movie,

but you wouldn't show them to me!

Why won't you ask someone your age
to see their boobs?

Because I'm asking you!

Do you really wanna see my boobs?

Yes.

- Where's Greg?
- He's in his room.

Can I touch them?

No.

If you ever say anything to anyone,
I'm never speaking to you ever again.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Do you think it's weird I hang out
with Gary and his friends all the time?

No.

I think it's weird.

It is whatever you think it is.

I think it's weird
that I hang out with Gary

and his 15-year-old
friends all the time.

Are you happy?

Yes, I'm happy. Are you happy?

If you're happy, I'm happy.

Of course I'm happy! You look so great.

Really?

Like "Land Ho," as it says on the sign.

- You can just float away on it.
- Riverboat.

Great for your back and your neck.

And Arabian vinyl
is the best kind of vinyl.

Nothing will puncture it. We've tested
it under, like, the worst conditions.

This is our "Big Bernie."
It's the "Serious Sleeper."

That right?

"It's the classic design
copied by all the others."

Guys, calm down.
Don't wrestle on the bed, okay?

I know she likes the bean bag,
but you need the Big Bernie.

Sue Pomerantz.

Gary Valentine.

This is our "Arabian Night,"
our highest-end model,

and also made from 100% Arabian vinyl.

This is Fat Bernie's
personal king-size mattress.

He has the heater, the headboard, the
side ashtrays, and the lamp fixtures.

Hmm. And what happens if Fat Bernie falls
asleep while he's smoking in his waterbed?

That is a great question.

Actually, the water is too cold
to allow the cigarette to burn through.

- Oh, that's smart.
- Uh-huh.

So, it's cold?

Well, in the summer, it is,
and in the winter, it isn't.

Let me take you over here,
"Land Ho, the Riverboat,"

made with, also, Arabian vinyl...

Fat Bernie's waterbeds
and bean bag chairs.

Hi, welcome to Fat Bernie's.

Hi.

Welcome to Fat Bernie's.

Hi. And who is this, Gary?

- Gary.
- Hi.

I'm the manager here. I'm Alana.

Alana, Sue. Sue, Alana.

Hello, it's nice to meet you.

Hey, Gary, can I steal you for a second?

I just wanna see
how you want these orders written out.

I'll be right there.

Well, I really need to know soon,

because I really want
the paperwork to be correct.

We don't wanna get it wrong
on the first day, do we?

I'll be right there.

Is everything okay?

Yes, of course.

Is that your girlfriend?

No, that is not my girlfriend.

Does it seem like she's my girlfriend?

Kind of.

No. I mean, no. She works for me.
She used to be my babysitter.

I'm so high. Kirk got me stoned.

Okay.

I'm very happy, Gary.

Congratulations.

- We did this together, didn't we?
- Uh-huh.

- We did it.
- We did it.

Are you happy?

Hey, come back, toots.

Sunday Night Movie presents

some of the most outstanding
feature films in motion picture history.

Excuse me. What the fuck?

Alana.

You know, Rainbow,
you're a complete mystery to me.

I don't know a word about you.

I don't know who your friends are,
if you've got parents.

Alana!

If you're in some kind of trouble,

you can tell me, you know.

There's no mystery here, Frankie.

I come from Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

I know, I've heard all the jokes.

I didn't say a word.

It gets better.

You have to pass through Faithful
to get there.

That must be quite some cross to bear.

My parents are dead.

They were killed in an
automobile accident five years ago.

They were nice people.

Nothing really happens
in Intercourse, you know.

So, as soon as I graduated high school,

I grabbed my bag and my guitar
and I came to California.

And cut-a-rooski.

That was wonderful.

Thank you, Alana.

This says you know how to ride a horse.

Yes.

And you speak Portuguese.

Rainbow loves horses and archery.
That's a subplot we've been developing.

We would wanna make sure
that actresses under consideration

are capable of doing these things.

Yes, I can do both.

Thank you, Alana. Thank you for coming.

I feel like I've been with Rainbow
for ten minutes.

Don't you, Jack?

Absolutely.

Thank you, Mr. Holden.

You know,

you remind me of Grace.

Kelly?

Mr. Holden, another martini, sir?

Yes, please. Another?

Sure.

Make it three.

I've never had a martini before.

They're good.

The jungle.

That's where I'm most myself.

Not this jungle.

Africa.

Oh. Yes, Africa.

I saw two of my best Black friends
beheaded in the Congo.

I'll tell you intimacies
I've shared with no one.

But don't ask me about Kuala Lumpur.

Is this lines or is this real?

You're such a delicate creature.

You are Rainbow.

I'm Jewish.

What's funny?

It's true.

Is that Rex damn Blau?

Who said Blau?

Right over here. Blau!

Jack!

Wait till you meet this character.

Jack goddamn Holden. Bang!

You son of a bitch from hell,
get over here.

You shiny, golden, tall,
inexpensive prick.

My goodness.

- It's so good to see you.
- There is God's...

- Think of any six numbers.
- Okay.

- I can guess them.
- Okay.

You're thinking six, three, four, five.

- Henri!
- Always happy to see you.

- Good to see you as well.
- Are you staying?

I'm great, yes. Of course.

Hey, we can always do takeout tonight.

Interesting development
to the plot, Henri.

Well, let's not have any trouble,
please.

No trouble. This is Tail o' the Cock.
This is my place. Yes, I'm staying.

It's a table for four, please. Table 38?

Tonight you might
want a different table.

- What do you think?
- Table 38, Henri.

With direct sight lines.

Direct sight lines, huh? Okay.

Have you ever seen him on a bike?

- I see it spin.
- Good...

I know you know I knew, and know I do.

I'm patient. I'm a patient man.

The hell you are.

Someone will be right over.

- Thank you, Henri.
- Thank you.

Watch, you gotta watch him.

- Oh, yeah.
- No.

Whatever it isn't.

Jack, you know what I got out there
in the parking lot right now?

I... Mmm!

650cc.

No, no. You mischievous man.

A wonderful Desert Sled.
It's out there for you, Jack.

It's built for you.

- I'm seeing it spin now.
- It's spinning.

I know it's spinning,
and it's gotta spin back.

Come on, you know you want it.
You know you need it.

- Gary, Gary, I see Alana over there.
- Shh.

Kirk, assassin's focus.
Gritted teeth and fixed bayonets.

- Armand!
- Okay.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Bastard.

What are we doing?

Yes, Mr. Rex?

Armand, I need three wingback chairs
from the bar.

I need a bottle of Everclear. I need
plenty of grease from the kitchen.

And I want you to meet me
on the eighth hole

by the sand trap, dos minutos. Pronto.

We're burning daylight!

I gotta do some prep.
I'll see you kids later.

Did you see No Time For Honor?

- With Jack Holden?
- Yeah.

Do you guys wanna order martinis?

I can get us martinis.
I'll get us four martinis right now.

The bridges span a narrow gap
between two targets.

They're the most important targets
in all of Korea.

Consequently,
they're fortified accordingly.

Although we're only over the targets
30 seconds, it's a lifetime.

We're going to Korea?

I don't understand. But I'm sexy, right?

Every gun imaginable
is hidden in those mountainsides.

- And the men behind the guns...
- Uh-huh.

...they know where we're coming from
and where we're headed.

We're gonna fly right between them.

We're gonna fly low and straight

with no element of surprise.

And they're just sitting there,

waiting for us,

hoping we'll come.

Those are the Bridges of Toko-San,
Nancy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
good people of the Cock,

put that dinner down.

That salad can wait.

Let that steak get cold.

'Cause tonight, we have a man
who needs no introduction, really.

His name is Mr. Jack Holden.

That's right.
And if you've seen his pictures,

then you know that
every goddamn one of them

has got Jack riding a motorcycle,

as if it's the only way to travel.

Whether he's in the jungle
or he's in Manila

or he's in Paris
or if he's in Rio de Janeiro.

They don't have taxis in the desert.

Thank you, Jack.

And for those of you
who perhaps may have seen

a little film called
The Bridges of Toko-San...

Yeah.

Kirk.

Jack and the beautiful Grace Kelly.

Well, tonight you're lucky,
'cause tonight,

we bring Toko-San right here to Encino.

That's right. That's right.
Thank you. Thank you.

On your feet now.
Follow me to the eighth hole.

Here we go.

Would you mind to play Grace?

Jack, I don't know
how to ride a motorcycle.

You just have to hold on tight.

Let's ride.

That's my Rainbow. Rainbow rides.

Fire up those lights. Now!

Hold on, people. Single file.

Single file. There we go.

Okay. Right along the ridge.
Right along the ridge.

Thank you, good people. Ándale!

Okay, Armand,
will you handle that crowd for me?

Okay.

All right, people.
I need some more flame.

More flame.

God.

It's a great night for a jump.

All right.

Can I have some quiet on the set?

Roll sound.

Roll camera A. Roll camera B.

Okay. Mark it.

Action, Jack.

Do you even remember
what my real name is?

Keep your gas. Attaboy. Attaboy.

Looks like he's coming in hot.

I'm coming, Nancy!

Yeah!

I fucked up Danielle's guitar.

Are you okay?

I fucked up Danielle's guitar.

Oh, man.

I'm all right!

Toko-San!
Toko-San! Toko-San!

This man needs a drink!

- To the Cock!
- To the Cock!

Toko-San! Toko-San!

They will reduce
oil production by 5% a month

until the Israelis withdraw
from occupied territories.

If the Arab countries keep that pledge,

it would reduce their production
by almost 50% in one year.

According to some of our leaders,

as the Arab oil embargo continues,

the situation will become
increasingly worse,

and we may be forced
into a gas rationing program.

The immediate shortage
will affect the lives

of each and every one of us.

In our factories, our cars,
our homes, our offices,

we will have to use less fuel
than we are accustomed to using.

- The fuel prices need not mean...
- Did you know there was an oil embargo?

Wait, what?

Do you understand any of this?

Major tie-ups like these are
becoming more frequent in Los Angeles.

Will your gas supplies...

...hold out very long?

The beds are made from vinyl, Gary.

Vinyl is made from oil.

- It is?
- Fucking duh.

What did you think
it was made out of? Gold?

I don't know. I thought it was, um...

- What? Magic?
- I thought it was--

Like a scientific fabric.
I thought it was like a rubber.

Which is also made out of oil, dipshit.

I tried to pump gas
on the way home last night

and had a little success.

What little money I had on me,
I got a couple of dollars' worth,

but I'm afraid for the weekend.

It's the end of the world, Greggo.

- Hey, fellas.
- Hello.

Which one is in charge?
Are you in charge?

Yeah, I'm in charge.

May I just speak with you for a second?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

- You can tell your crew to stop.
- Stop for a sec, guys.

So, this is what I wanna say to you.
Um...

- Do you know who I am?
- Yeah.

Do you know who my girlfriend is?

Barbra "Streizand."

Barbra Streisand.

- "Sand."
- "Sand." Yeah, like "sands."

- Like the ocean, like beaches.
- Barbra "Seisand."

No. It's "Streisand."

"Sand."

- Streisand.
- Streisand.

Barbra Streisand.

Barbra "Streizand."

Are you fucking with me?
All right, let's get past that.

Hopefully, you never fucking meet her.
She'll fucking--

You think I'm bad.
We're going to the movies right now

and I'm on my way to pick her up,
so I'm gonna leave you here,

but I wouldn't normally leave somebody
in my house when I'm not there,

but I have to,
because you guys are so late.

I'm sorry. There was no gas.

That's an excuse I'm gonna shove up
your fucking penis hole, man.

- What's your name?
- Gary.

Gary. Gary. How big is your penis hole?

It's regular-sized.

Hmm. How would you know?

Imagine what that would feel like,
if I shoved that excuse up there.

- That would hurt a lot, right?
- Yeah.

But that's what I'd like to do.

I'm sorry. I don't wanna make you
any more late than you are.

You can leave.

Look at you, you cocky motherfucker.

I like it.

We speak the same language.
We're both from the streets.

Yeah.

I didn't see it before. That's-- Wow.

Wow,
you get right in there and you do it.

Wow. You have a little, um...

You have a tincture in your left eye.
It means you're deficient in vitamin K.

I'm like a fucking doctor.

You need to take more vitamin D
and cod liver oil.

You see that Daytona Ferrari?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's mine.

Gary, that's filled with gas. That's
gonna get me to the movies on time.

'Cause I'm not a shithead,
idiot fuck-up. I'm Jon Peters.

My only problem in life
is that I love tail too much.

I love it. I love it so much.

I love it so much. Is that your sister?

No.

- It's your girlfriend?
- No.

I love it so much,
it's gonna kill me one day.

- You know how much tail I get?
- No.

All of it.

It's all mine.

- You like Barbra Streisand?
- Yeah.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

Do you?

Yeah.

I do, too. Gets boring, but, you know.

Yeah.

I'm gonna kill you and your family
if you fuck up my house.

- Okay? Do you have a cat?
- No.

- You got a dog?
- No.

- You have a brother and sister--
- Brother.

Yeah. Your brother? I'm gonna choke
your brother out in front of you, okay?

Steve's gonna look after you
while I'm gone.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Gary.
I want you to be horrified.

- Okay.
- Your life's on the line.

But you know from that, right?
It's the way of the streets.

Ms. Streisand? Hi, it's Steve. Mm-hmm.

Yes, he just left.

I also thought you might wanna know
that he ordered a waterbed this evening.

Right now. Mm-hmm.

Four small children
and a girl or a young woman.

To be honest, I don't know what she is.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay.

Yes. Uh-huh. Sure will.
Thanks, Ms. Streisand. Uh-huh. Bye.

Okay.

I used to work with Julie Andrews.

She was difficult.

He said he was gonna kill Greg.

We're done. Let's go.

- "I'm gonna choke your brother."
- Uh-huh.

I kept it inside,
but what I wanted to say was,

"No, I'm gonna choke you."

- Oh, yeah?
- I would've said it.

I was trying to stay cool, though.
I was trying to stay--

Scooch over.

Oh! Back it up. Oh, fuck.

We're going back up the hill, okay?

Okay.

Oh! How'd it turn out?

It was good. It went well.

You didn't fuck up my house, did you?

No.

You okay? Can you see okay?

- Yeah.
- Well, why don't you just--

Why don't you just back in the driveway,
and then you can go straight.

Steve. Steve.

You blew it, man. You blew it.

Did she call?

No.

Goddamn it, Steve.

Where the fuck is the--

There's no gas-o
in the goddamn car-o, Steve-o.

Motherfucker.

How long you guys been together?

- Me and her?
- Yeah.

- We're not together.
- We're not together.

Why not?

I don't know.

I'm 28.

- What's that?
- I'm 25.

You're 25? When's your birthday?

- December.
- December.

Are you a Capricorn? Sagittarius?

- Sagittarius.
- Sagittarius.

December what, 13th?

- Fifteenth.
- Fifteenth.

I was only two off.

What do you wanna do
if you're not gonna do hair?

Do you have sisters or brothers
or anything?

Sisters.

Are they older or younger?

Older.

So you're the youngest?

How about your dad? Do you have
a good relationship with your dad?

- Yeah.
- What's he do?

- Real estate.
- Oh, yeah?

Did he teach you how to drive?

You're really good at it.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

It's not easy. Gary can't do it.

All right. Just slow it down now, okay?
There she is.

Okay, do you have enough room? Yeah?

- You sure?
- I think so.

I parked on the side
so no one would hit it.

Here. I don't want you to have to
bear the burden in case we hit it.

Why don't I take the wheel

and then you just put your foot on
the clutch and just feather the brake.

That's it. We'll do it together, okay?

Yeah, we'll do it together, okay?

Here we go. Oh, yeah. Smooth.
Smooth, yeah. Just breathe.

We got it. Yeah, we got it.
I think we got it.

Look. Look, look. Over there.
You see? We got it.

We did it. That's so good, Alana.

- Yeah. No.
- We didn't hit it at all.

- Oh, you smell so good.

Oh, Gary. Gary, Gary, Gary.

Get some gas and I'll be on my way.

Oh, shit. Look at this line, man.

Fucking sardines packed in.
Okay. Go, just make a left here.

I'm not waiting in this motherfucker.

All right, let that car just go past.
There you go.

Okay, now stop it.
They'll move out of the way.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Okay, stop the car.

God. Fuck. Son of a bitch. Fucking shit!

What you got, motherfucker?

Fucking Chumash territory!

Goddamn sons of bitches
don't even know where they are.

Yeah, motherfucker, that's right.

It's my nozzle now.

Go. Let's go. Let's go.

- Just reverse it.
- Now?

Reverse, reverse, reverse.

- It's your move!
- Okay. Relax.

It's my nozzle.

Want some gas, Jon?
I got your gas.

I got your gas right here, Jon.

Jon Peters' Ferrari.

No. Oh, no.

Where are we?

I don't know.

No, no, no, we ran out of gas.
You have to push the truck.

Why the fuck are you staring at me?
Push the truck. What are you doing?

Get in.

Hold on.

If we get lucky
and make the light at Ventura,

I can make a right
and get us to the 76 station.

If you make the left,
the Mobil station's closer.

I'm gonna blow this stop light.

I trust you.

Oh, my! Alana!

Hard-core! Hard-core, Alana!

Fellas, you okay back there? You okay?

Oh, my. We did it!
You did-- Alana, you did it.

I did-- We did it!

How did we survive?

What the...

It's a goddamn newsstand
in the middle of the fucking--

Fucking middle
of the goddamn motherfucking street...

Yeah, that's right.

Did you hear that whole thing
that went down

with that other instructor
at the courts the other day?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Do you like peanut butter sandwiches?

- Peanut butter? Not really.
- No?

Creamy or nutty?

- However you like it.
- I like it a bit nutty.

Who's got the better backhand?

You do. You got the backhand.

No, you have the serve.
You have a bigger serve.

- You got a good ground game? Yeah.
- Yeah, I got a ground game.

- Hello?
- Brian?

Yes?

Hi, it's Alana Kane.

Alana.

Wow. Hi. How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm doing fine.

What are you doing?

Not much.

I was calling to see
if you still work for Joel Wachs?

Yes, I sure do.

Well, do you need volunteers?

We always do.

Do you mean you?

Yes.

Alana, please come and work with us.
We need you.

I've seen how you do your homework.

Oh, my God, you remember that?

Yes, of course.
How could I forget?

We need you.

Alana.

- Hi.
- How are you?

Good. How are you?

I'm good. It's good to see you.
Let me introduce you to everybody...

Joel, you're the youngest
councilman in the city.

- You're also its only bachelor.
- Yes.

How do you find time for a social life?

Being single means
I have more time to work,

and a councilman's schedule pretty much
ruins a social life anyway, so...

What do your dates say about that?

They're not saying anything.
I'm not going on any dates, so...

As you can imagine,
it's probably pretty difficult

for somebody to be
a part of all the social events

that I'm a part of,
keep up with my busy schedule.

But I imagine someday soon,
somebody's gonna come along

who'll wanna share that with me, so...

Certainly you have some prospects?

I can't tell you how many times I've
heard, "Boy, have I got the girl for you."

And I've met some pretty magnificent
women through my district residents.

But I'll tell you what I tell them,
and that's:

"I'm sorry, but my time is spoken for."

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.

Let's get one photo
for the paper, Councilman "Wauchs."

- It's "Wachs."
- Wachs. Wachs.

If you don't mind,
let's have you-- Yeah.

Let's have you stand
with your mother over here.

Have a nice little picture
of you guys, and...

Meet a friend of mine.
This is Alana Kane.

- She's a volunteer.
- Hey. Volunteer, wow.

- It's an honor to meet you.
- What a pleasure.

No, I'm honored to meet you.
Thank you for coming on board.

- I have integrity.
- Me too.

- I know.
- Honest.

- Mm-hmm. I'm that too.
- Okay.

This is public land
which the state bought for $34, 000

when everyone knew
it was worth millions.

Sam Yorty and his cronies
would gladly destroy

this beautiful 225, 000-square-acre
mountain chain

for favors, payoffs, and ugly houses
that only their friends can afford.

But it needn't be that way, you see.

I understand it's crazy,

and everybody's talking about
a revolution,

but it doesn't have to be that.

All that we need
are people in positions of power

to remember to be who they were
when they were voted in.

And cut. That was great.

- I think that was the one.
- That felt good.

- Yeah, that was terrific, Joel.
- It did.

You ready? We good?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

What would you say
to the people that think

you're too young
and don't have enough experience?

I would say, "Thank you very much
for the compliment."

Sorry, just-- Can you
say that again? We didn't get that.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, Councilman.

Everybody rolling? Good?

One more time.

So, Councilman, what would you say
to the people that say

you're too young
and don't have enough experience?

I would say, "Thank you very much
for the compliment."

The way I look at it--

I'm sorry. Are you rolling?
Are you rolling?

I think we rolled out.

- We're gonna need to take five. I'm sorry.
- It's okay. It's okay.

So, Joel, don't forget.
Tomorrow, you've got that

- Toluca Lake neighborhood council thing.
- Yeah.

They'd love you there at 10:00.

What's been going on
with the pinball? Art's calling me.

- You hear about Judge Sachs?
- I did.

It's over. He lost five games
to nothing, so that's done.

That's it?

Pinball will be legal again
in LA for the first time since--

- Wow.
- It's been illegal since 1939.

- Can you believe it?
- I can believe it.

It's an outmoded discriminatory law
in the first place,

so of course it took this long.

If I'm gonna call Art, I need to
know 100% that this thing is passing.

It's passing. It's done.
I talked to all my people at the court.

It's over. It's--
Decision comes out tomorrow.

Yes, it's Gary Valentine.

I started a new company and I'm
looking for some pinball machines.

No? Okay.

Thank you for picking up my call.
Have a good day, Jimmy.

Are you doing what I think you're doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Calling people about pinball machines.

That's what I'm doing.

Because?

Because we could be
the first place open that has them.

Because we could start
"Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace."

You know, we spent the day
with a great man

who's really trying to make a change
in how this city runs

and the only thing you fucking heard was,
"Pinball machines are about to be legal."

I heard other things, too.

Yello. Gary Valentine here.

Don, thank you
for calling me back so swiftly.

"Swiftly"? Who are you?

Yes. Yes.

Is there a time that's convenient
for you within your plans

that I could come lay some eyes
on the equipment?

- Give me a fucking break, Gary.
- Great. Great.

I'm ten minutes away. I'll be right
over. Thank you so much, Don.

I'm not driving you.

That's great news,
'cause I can drive myself.

Mmm. You're gonna go on your own?

- Big man.
- Yes, I am.

You smoke those cigarettes, you're
gonna throw up like a little bitch.

These cigarettes? These ones right here?

King-size Mayburn.

You don't have the balls.

I'm cooler than you. Don't forget it.

I don't need you to tell me
whether I'm cool or not, old lady.

- What was that?
- I said, "Milady."

- What was that?
- I said, "Milady."

- What was that?
- "My lady."

I don't need you to tell me
whether I'm cool or not.

You're not cool, and your breath smells.

Says you. And you're old.

I'm old?

I don't know what's cool?

Changing the world isn't cool?

Go ask Brian if you're cool.

I will. Who thinks you're cool, Gary?
Your waterbed fans?

Sue, Kirk, and Mark?

I hang out with more people than that.

You don't even know
what's going on in the world.

You think that the world
revolves around Gary Valentine

and whatever stupid
shit you come up with.

- It does.
- It doesn't.

- It does.
- It doesn't. It's about more.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

Alana, you would still be taking
pictures at my high school of children

if it wasn't for me.

You're talking about pinball machines.

I'm a politician.

I need to get my life together.

So, get it together.

Where are you going?

I'm going out.

Okay, I'll take you.

Come on, you wanna go see
these stupid pinball machines or what?

Gary, I'm gonna take you. It's fine.

Gary.

What is your problem?
Don't you get in that car.

Don't you fucking get in that car.

Gary fucking Valentine,
if you get in that car,

I will never speak to you ever again.

Just stop!

Good morning. This is Alana Kane calling
from Councilman Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you at a good time?

I'm calling to ask if you've heard
of the councilman's efforts

to reduce corruption in our local--

Well, fuck you, then.

So, what's going on with the analysis?

- That's Len Barton's thing.
- Mm-hmm.

They're small, but...

Good morning, this is Alana Kane calling
from Councilman Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you at a good time?

Yes, I'm calling--

- Alana.
- I'm so sorry, I have to go.

- Oh, sorry about that.
- Sorry.

- Is it okay if I tell you something?
- Yeah.

Um, I've been known to be
a little forgetful, absentminded, and...

Look at me,
I can't even remember what I'm saying.

But ever since you've gotten here,

I've been very organized, capable,
and inspired.

So, thank you for that.

Thank you, Councilman.

That's it.

Good morning, this is Alana Kane

calling from Joel Wachs' office.

Am I catching you at a good time?

I'm calling to ask if you've heard
of the councilman's efforts

to reduce corruption in our local--

Well, fuck you, then.

Councilman Joel Wachs' office.
This is Alana. How may I help you?

- Hey, it's me.
- Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

Working. What are you doing?

Gary just came by and dropped off
a flyer for his Pinball Palace.

What did he say?

Well, he wanted to see if we would go.

And he wanted to make sure
you knew about it.

What else did he say?

Well, I think he misses you.

He said that?

No, but he looked really sad.

And sweet.

He asked about Brian.

You should just go to his pinball store.

I can't. I'm working.

But they have free Pepsi.

And it's open till midnight.

Pepsi...

- There's a band.
- Free Pepsi.

Danielle, I'm eliminating
state property tax for the elderly

and saving the mountains
and you're talking about free Pepsi.

Brian, do you see that guy over there?

Number 12 guy?

Yeah. I think he's spying on us.

He keeps looking over here like a creep.

He doesn't look weird to you?

He does, a little.

He's been there all morning.
Go say something to him.

Just leave him.

If he stays there too long,
I'll say something.

Can I help you?

I don't know.

You're staring at our office.

Yeah, my eyes need someplace to go.

What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for my friend.

Who's your friend?

No one you'd know.

Move it. Away from our office.
Go down the street.

Well, this is a free country.

So why don't you just
go on back to your little office

before I start asking you questions.

Is there a problem?

Not for me.

Why don't you get out of here?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm on my way.

- What was he saying?
- I don't know.

- Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
- Come out tonight to the Pinball Palace.

Come to Fat Bernie's
Pinball Palace tonight.

Guest band and free Pepsi
at Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

2001. Fireball. Jive Time.
Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace, tonight.

Kirk's gonna pick you up after school.
Hand as many of these out as you can.

- Okay.
- Okay. I love you.

No age limit
at Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace tonight.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.
Opens at sundown.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

Pinball Palace. Opens at sundown.

Fat Bernie's Pinball Palace.

Ladies.

Hi, Gary. Please step up over here.

You have a date tonight, sir?

I hope so. I hope so.

That's great. Jacket.

Hey, hey, buddy, buddy, buddy.

Buddy. You're gonna break the machine.

Hey. Hey, man, cool out.

Hey, can you hear me? Buddy, stop!

Hey, I'm telling you to fuck off, man.

Okay. Okay, you're out of here.
You're out of here.

Come inside when
you're ready to be cool.

What is this? What is this?
Bikes to the side. Bikes to the side.

- Jack, Matty, bikes to the side.
- They are on the side!

Bikes to the side.
You're blocking the entrance!

Hand me that jacket.

- Here. Don't know whose it is.
- Yeah.

I'm really glad you're here.

Have I told you that?

I'm glad I'm here, too.

Councilman Wachs' office.
Alana speaking.

Alana, I'm so glad I caught you.

- Oh, hi, Councilman.
- Hi.

I was wondering, if you're not too busy,
if you could come meet me for a drink?

- Me?
- Yes, you. It'll be nice, right?

We could have a quick drink.
I was thinking Rive Gauche?

That sounds nice.

Just one-- one small drink.

I don't wanna keep you too long, but...

You should-- You should come--
come straight away. It's important.

- Right, straight away.
- Thanks so much, Alana.

- See you soon.
- I'll see you soon.

The Councilman forgot his wallet.

- Again?
- Yeah.

He's never gonna win, is he?

What do you mean?

He's a mess. Forgets everything.

If it's not his wallet,
it's his keys or his briefcase.

I've gone to his house three times
to pick up paperwork.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
he's not gonna win.

I'll go with you.

No.

No. No.

Just finish locking up.

Okay.

Found it.

Guess I'll see you later?

Sure.

Wanna meet at Tarzana Bobs?

Tarzana Bobs. Sounds good.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Stop playing. Stop playing. Leave.

- But I put my money--
- Leave. Leave.

- But I--
- I own the place. Leave.

- Hello, Este.
- Hey.

- Hey, Gary.
- Hey.

This is really great.

Someone did their toes.

- I did do my toes.
- I like them.

- I like them.
- Thank you.

- Thank you for coming. Really.
- It's a big night.

- You ladies look great.
- Thank you.

Did you get a chance to talk with Alana?

- Fuck!
- Is she gonna come?

- You know where she works, right?
- Yeah.

Are you telling me to go? I...

Yeah.

Go.

Yeah, I spoke to her, and I said,
"No, it's not possible to do that."

Alana!

Alana.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I wanna introduce you
to my old friend, Matthew.

- Oh, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

This is Alana.
She works with me on the campaign.

She's been such a terrific help.
She helped me with those TV spots.

Yes. I helped
with the "Integrity" billboard.

That and, like, a hundred other things
you've done. Don't be shy.

Things come easily
when they matter so much.

It's funny,
we were just talking about that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Madame.
- Hi.

May I get you something?

Uh, a martini.

Martini. Vodka or gin?

Vodka-gin.

Would you like an
olive or a lime with it?

- Yes.
- Yeah, madame.

Why am I even staying in this?

Did you have any trouble
finding the place?

- Oh, no.
- No?

No, I come here all the time.

That's good.

And now you're dragging
this poor girl into it.

Can we please just enjoy dessert
and settle down?

Everything's gonna be fine.
Alana's got her drink coming.

Is that your campaign slogan?

"Everything is gonna be fine

as long as no one finds out
who I really am."

I'm dealing with so many things
that you don't understand.

So tell me.

Do you have any idea
how uncomfortable I am all day long?

I can't understand. No.
Because you don't tell me these things.

The one time-- The one time
that I wanna feel comfortable,

you go out and make
me feel uncomfortable.

- I haven't done anything to you, Joel.
- Okay.

I didn't call this girl. You called her.

Okay,
but you're upset that I called her.

Yes, I'm upset,
because nothing is about me.

- Nothing is about us.
- I forget who I'm dealing with here.

"I'm Matthew Marshall
and it's always about me."

No. No, no, Joel.

It's never about me,
and that's why I'm sad.

Well, look.

We're here, we're having dinner.

You asked me to come to dinner.
I'm tired, and I'm here at dinner.

What more do you want from me?

I want you to myself.

Well, that's just not
how the world works, is it?

I don't know.

Well, then you need to grow up.

There was a man hanging around
the office earlier and he's here now.

That's why I called.

You see, I don't think it's wise

for my personal life to distract from
what our first priority is.

What is our first priority?

There's the community, my campaign,
and everything that I'm working towards.

Yes, and that's that, and this is
dinner, so what are we working towards?

So, Alana,
you came to meet me for a drink.

Um, you were running late,

and now you're going to be taking
your boyfriend, Matthew, home.

Is she gonna be taking her boyfriend
to his house or to your house?

Would you please keep your voice down?

She's going to be taking you
to your house.

Are you gonna be coming there?

Can we just discuss this
at another time, please?

Are you gonna come
to my house tonight, Joel?

Can we please just discuss this
at another time?

- Do you want me to--
- Okay?

- Do you want me to wait up for you?
- No, Matthew.

Thank you both for coming.

Let's go paint the town red.

- So nice of you--
- And black and blue.

So nice of you guys to...

Thank you, Alana. You're very sweet.

Do you have a boyfriend?

Yes and no.

I don't know.

Is he a shit?

Yeah. Yeah.

They're all shits, aren't they?

Thank you, sweetheart.

You have a very powerful feeling.

Thank you, Matthew.

Very cool. What do you play?

- Guitar.
- Me, too.

Where's Gary?

Are you okay?

Where's Gary?

He left.

- Where'd he go?
- I don't know.

Miss Alana. Good evening.

Is Gary here?

No, Gary didn't come in tonight.

- You haven't seen him?
- No.

Do you need some help?

No, thank you, Henri.

Oh, my God.

Everyone, everyone!

May I have your attention, please?

Let me introduce to you,
Mrs. Alana Valentine.

Idiot.

Hi.

Hi.

I love you, Gary.