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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:04,238
Troops, today our mission
2
00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:05,506
is wall-painting.
3
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:07,075
I was painting my
wall all night.
4
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,042
That is not a euphemism.
5
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:09,577
All night.
Stop!
6
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,744
You have a disorder.
7
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:11,845
We are actually painting
8
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:13,081
an actual wall.
9
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,648
Now, I know that
might not be glamorous,
10
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,084
but just because we
have a boring job
11
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:17,918
doesn't mean
we can't have fun doing it.
12
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:21,089
So, I give you...
13
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,491
the Paint Cart 5000!
14
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,393
(gasping)
15
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,361
So this is the stuff white
people get excited about?
16
00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,163
Now, this gets me excited!
17
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:32,166
What do you say we take her on
her maiden voyage? Let's ride!
18
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,368
*
19
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:54,922
That's terrible, right?
We all realize that's terrible?
20
00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:58,726
CODY:
The Army is filled with troops
on heroic missions,
21
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,294
and then there's us.
22
00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,296
We take care of things at home.
23
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,398
We are the Rear Detachment.
24
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:07,235
Yes, we're soldiers.
25
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,275
ALL (chanting):
Sergeant Hill!
26
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,976
Sergeant Hill!
27
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,211
Sergeant Hill!
28
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:18,646
Come on, Derrick--
Sergeant Hill!
29
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:19,913
I am not chanting your name.
30
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,149
I'll cover for him.
31
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,883
Sergeant Hill! Sergeant Hill.
32
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,452
Sergeant Hill!
Sergeant Hill.
33
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:26,820
(chuckles)
You make me want to be
a better man.
34
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,790
I'm not going to be,
but you lit a fire.
35
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,393
Sergeant Hill, you want
to hear a rap song I
wrote in your honor?
36
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,061
It reinforces
racial stereotypes
37
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,497
and glorifies criminal behavior.
38
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,665
Why don't we skip that?
39
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,932
But I appreciate the gesture.
40
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,434
Tell you what,
this round's on me.
41
00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,403
ALL (chanting):
Sergeant Hill!
42
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,905
I'd like to tender
my resignation from this family.
43
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:47,641
(chuckles)
Pete, just one request.
Can I drive the cart?
44
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,843
And, Derrick, before you answer,
this is for Pete to decide.
45
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,512
No.
Derrick?
46
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,281
You know why you're not allowed
to drive the gold cart.
47
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,849
Backing up!
48
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:57,485
Whoa!
(crashing)
49
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,754
Whoops!
50
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,823
(laughs)
Stupid cat.
51
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,192
You can't play piano.
52
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:05,359
(piano playing,
cat meows on video)
53
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:07,461
Actually, this cat's not bad.
54
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,996
Hey, Dobkiss,
check out this cat video.
55
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,631
(indistinct shouting)
Sorry, guys!
56
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,633
Hey! What's wrong with you?
Watch it!
Whoa!
57
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,934
Sent.
58
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,203
If you cherry-pick the data,
59
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,370
you'll find problems.
60
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,172
Those all happened yesterday.
61
00:02:18,206 --> 00:02:21,442
Barkeep, I am looking
for a big, noisy IPA
62
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,676
with a hoppy nose
63
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:26,380
and a nice body
in the 7.0 ABV range.
64
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,382
They have beer.
65
00:02:28,416 --> 00:02:29,517
You like beer, Lieutenant?
66
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,051
As a craft brew connoisseur,
67
00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,386
I just like to know
what I'm getting.
68
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,621
You got this one
69
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,389
and then this one light.
70
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,957
(laughter)
71
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,327
I'm laughing to keep this
in a collegial space,
72
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,563
but you might want
to watch your tone, soldier.
73
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:43,697
Yes, syrup.
74
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:46,667
Did you just say,
"Yes, syrup"?
75
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:47,801
No, syrup.
76
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,503
I feel like you said "syrup."
77
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:50,704
No, syrup.
78
00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:52,573
You said "syrup" again.
No, syrup.
79
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,141
You just said "syrup" again.
80
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,909
No, sir.
81
00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:00,481
...up.
82
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:03,351
Picking a fight
with an officer, huh? Smart.
83
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:04,718
I respect officers,
84
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,320
just not cherry eggheads
like Schneeberger.
85
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,222
I know Lieutenant Schneeberger
is an acquired taste,
86
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:09,357
but he asked me to help him
87
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,391
with his new equipment detail.
88
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:11,692
(laughing):
Oh, God.
89
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:12,826
We actually have
some things in common.
90
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,362
(chuckles)
91
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,366
We're insulting you
in semaphore.
92
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,400
How cool is that?
93
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,034
You want to see cool?
94
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:23,036
ALL (chanting):
Sergeant Hill!
95
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:24,372
Sergeant Hill!
96
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,241
Sergeant Hill!
Sergeant Hill!
97
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:30,043
Sergeant Hill!
Sergeant Hill!
98
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,846
This is cool.
99
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,548
(cheering)
100
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:37,084
Yeah, that thing's way cooler
101
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,886
than what I'm working on.
102
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,462
No.
103
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,272
Say hello...
104
00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,441
to the Mondo Spider.
105
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:02,075
ALL:
Hello.
106
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:06,213
The Mondo Spider is
a lithium ion powered robot.
107
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,649
100% electric, designed
to provide infantry support.
108
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,285
So beautiful.
109
00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:12,920
So noble.
110
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,289
Now, this is the type
of white people stuff I like.
111
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,690
I really like this.
112
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,159
Corporal Hill,
a word.
113
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:20,961
Yeah, but, Sergeant Major Cody,
now? There's a...
114
00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:23,096
I know, Mondo Spider.
115
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,465
(sighs)
Let's go.
116
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,233
Don't let anything cool happen
without me.
117
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,336
Derrick, you know I
can't promise that.
118
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,670
Now, I know what you're asking.
119
00:04:29,703 --> 00:04:31,772
What does it eat?
Is it able to love?
120
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,307
Maybe I don't know
what you're asking,
121
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,775
so let me just tell you
what I'm looking for.
122
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:37,745
A platoon to help test
the next generation
123
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,013
of military technology.
124
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:46,019
Fall in.
125
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,322
I like what I see.
126
00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:50,991
But I do have some concerns
127
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,561
about leadership. Hmm.
128
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,163
Feels like
something sticking
129
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:59,667
in my craw, like, uh, syrup.
130
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:01,669
Ah. Clarity at last.
131
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,104
I'll just have to keep looking.
132
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,006
(groaning)
Say good-bye,
133
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,308
Mondo Spider. (laughs)
134
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,380
Don't take my baby!
135
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,216
Why?!
136
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,487
Sergeant Hill,
what happened?
137
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,689
Oh, he said he had concerns
about leadership.
138
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,491
We all heard
what he said, Gumble.
139
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:26,193
I can't believe I just saw a
living, breathing robot spider.
140
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,327
Forget about that thing.
141
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,996
What do you say we jump
142
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,998
on the Paint Cart 5000
and get on out there.
143
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,834
It hurts every fiber
of my being to say this,
144
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,404
but Paint Cart 5000 sucks, Pete!
145
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,906
(screams)
146
00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:40,874
I hate that cart!
147
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,980
All right.
Sergeant Major,
am I being punished?
148
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,916
Because I really wanted
to see the Mondo Spider.
149
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,651
It's, like, the only
cool thing that's ever
happened at this post.
150
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,019
Are you forgetting
about when we saw
151
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,254
a turtle riding an alligator?
(laughs)
152
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,656
How are those two friends?
153
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,558
They're not;
the gator ate the turtle.
154
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,326
Well,
that's a disappointing coda.
155
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,595
Moving on,
I need an official portrait.
156
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:02,930
I'd like you to take it.
157
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,398
Come again?
According to your records,
158
00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:06,066
you took a photography course
in college.
159
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:08,669
I slept through a class
about pictures,
160
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,538
but I don't know how to take
a professional portrait.
161
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,740
The only other
artistically inclined soldier
162
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,875
is... Private Gumble.
163
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,578
Sand is nature's paint.
164
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,947
And making it snow.
165
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,583
* Gumble's an artist,
Gumble's an artist. *
166
00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,418
(gasps)
A shooting star.
167
00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,787
I'm looking for something
more permanent.
168
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,589
I've already tried
a so-called professional.
169
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:30,290
That charlatan told me
I looked good.
170
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:36,263
I need a photographer
who's gonna tell me the truth.
171
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:39,166
I don't want to be here.
The job is yours.
172
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,637
Permission to have a frank
and lively discussion
173
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,439
about a hot-button topic?
174
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:46,707
Oh, God.
175
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,141
Let's just rip
the Band-Aid off, Pete.
176
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,943
You're wrong--
oh, my God, I am so sorry--
177
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:51,712
but it needed to be said.
178
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,781
They put me up to it,
but I stand by it.
179
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,484
Who am I to tell you?
I'm gonna tell you who I am.
180
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:58,786
Permission to start this
over again.
181
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,821
Sergeant Hill,
you're the reason
182
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:03,390
we didn't get the most
amazing detail of all time.
183
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,658
Mondo Spider.
184
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,226
How we've dreamt
of this day.
185
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,328
You didn't even know what it was
till an hour ago.
186
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,163
Is an hour's dream not a dream?
187
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:11,465
Schneeberger is bad news.
188
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:13,066
You don't want to work
with that guy.
189
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,635
No, you don't want to work
with him, Sergeant!
190
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:15,769
And you probably got some
really good reasons
191
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,137
we haven't heard yet.
192
00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:18,506
Why did we make him spokesman?
193
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:19,673
Because I get results.
194
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,074
If that's okay with Pete.
195
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,409
PARK:
Can't you go talk
196
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,611
to Schneeberger?
197
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,846
He is a weasel, guys.
198
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,515
He dangles the spider
in front of you,
199
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,983
and then yanks it away
so I have to go kiss his butt.
200
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:31,451
Great.
Sounds like a plan.
201
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:33,521
He's a genius.
Enough!
202
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,824
Pete, I'm no longer
203
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,358
the brutally honest spokesman
204
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,494
who came in here
to tear you a new one.
205
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:43,430
Now I'm just
your little brother, Randy,
206
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,299
a small boy with a big heart
207
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,503
whose first crush was on
Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons
208
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:50,971
and first book
was Charlotte's Web
209
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,372
from the library,
210
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:55,142
which I just realized
I forgot to return.
211
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,377
Funny story, actually.
212
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,446
All right, I'll talk to him.
213
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,850
Now, that is how you spokesman.
214
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,918
(platoon chattering excitedly)
215
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,188
Okay, I'll just pretend
like this
216
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,790
goes there,
217
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,859
and then I'll just wave
this thing around
218
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,694
like I have any idea
what the hell that does,
219
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,128
and, uh,
I think we're all set.
220
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,329
Because what do I know?
221
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:17,898
I'm not a photographer.
Say cheese.
222
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:19,032
(beeps, shutter clicks)
Cheese!
223
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,067
Great.
224
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,368
Did you capture my essence?
225
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,036
You're smiling,
your eyes are open.
226
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,838
You know, I was flipping
through some photography books
227
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,006
for inspiration.
228
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,074
Oh, my God.
229
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,141
You know, that Annie Leibovitz
230
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,543
takes one hell of a picture.
231
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:30,744
Do that for me.
232
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:31,979
Do what?
233
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,246
Draw out some
inner vulnerability
234
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,648
that probably isn't there,
235
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,816
and you shouldn't
be looking for anyway.
236
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,051
But... if you find it,
237
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:41,021
move over, bacon.
238
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,023
You guys are testing LSD on me,
aren't you?
239
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,725
I know you can do this,
Corporal Hill.
240
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,927
Are you ready?
241
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,899
'Cause I'm ready.
242
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,401
And I reserved
the MOUT facility
243
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:55,869
for 0700 tomorrow.
244
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,605
Squared away as usual,
Sergeant Perez.
245
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,272
Permission to enter, sir.
246
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:00,841
Oh, come on in, Sergeant Hill.
247
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,409
I got a little gift for you.
248
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,244
A little something for a man
who enjoys a craft brew.
249
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:05,445
Oh.
250
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,080
Hoptopus Eight-Legged Ale.
251
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,749
The Schnee likes.
252
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,518
Whatcha doing, Sergeant Hill?
253
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,553
Shooting a friendly smile
254
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,088
to the studliest...
255
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,626
...squash manager
in the army.
256
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,193
The guys on the team were
the real studs,
257
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,429
but without their equipment,
hey,
258
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:24,231
maybe a diff story.
259
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,465
Uh, sir, I looked inward,
260
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,100
and I addressed
that leadership concern
261
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,202
that you had, and I was hoping
that you would reconsider
262
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,071
using my troops
for your detail.
263
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,472
(clears throat)
264
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,608
I know there's been
some tension between us.
265
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:36,209
(grunts)
I get it.
266
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,611
We're cut from the same cloth,
267
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:40,648
just two alphas howling
at the moon, right?
268
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:43,216
(laughs, howls)
269
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:44,451
But we can fix that.
270
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:46,486
You just need to apologize.
271
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,621
I'm sorry, sir?
272
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:48,789
You need to apologize.
273
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:50,858
I just did. (laughter)
274
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,294
Seriously.
Yeah, I kind of figured.
275
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,496
Let me just turn on the P.A.
276
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,597
Mm...
277
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:58,932
(feedback squeals)
278
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:01,501
Go ahead.
279
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,403
Sorry, Lieutenant Schneeberger.
280
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,305
Sir.
Sir.
281
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,807
Throw a "bro" on there for me.
282
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,809
Bro.
283
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,844
(laughs)
One more time, all together.
284
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:13,080
From the top.
285
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,281
I am sorry,
286
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:15,315
Lieutenant Schneeberger,
287
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,584
sir, bro.
288
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,919
Now everyone understands
289
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,688
their place.
290
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:22,990
(howls)
291
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,324
(laughs)
292
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,458
Do it with me.
293
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:28,762
(howling)
A little louder?
294
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,531
(howling continues)
295
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,267
I got you the detail.
296
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,336
(cheering)
297
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,938
Be cool, guys.
Act like you've been there.
298
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,173
I've never been there,
but you'd never know it.
299
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,111
I feel like I just made a deal
with the devil.
300
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,278
A handsome devil.
301
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,980
He's like a teacup Adonis.
302
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:48,215
Will you stop
finding him attractive?
303
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:50,317
(howls)
Stop that immediately.
304
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,019
Pete, I know that was hard, man,
but thanks.
305
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,186
You got us into the big time.
306
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,554
New equipment testing.
307
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,957
Mondo Spider, jetpack,
lightsaber,
308
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,859
time travel.
309
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:01,128
(whispering):
Time travel.
310
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,562
The sky's the limit
now that we're hanging
311
00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,965
with Lieutenant Schneeberger.
Yup, mmm.
312
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,366
PETE:
I hate to burst your bubble.
313
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,968
He has no intention
of hanging with you.
314
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,471
Come on.
(phones ringing, chiming)
315
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,006
It's a text
from Lieutenant Schneeberger.
316
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,875
"I hope you can join me tonight
for a feast
317
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,577
at the Seacord Lobster House.
No need for RSVPeesies."
318
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,212
(gasping)
319
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,414
The lingo shows me that
he's got the real common touch.
320
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,351
Real convenient
that I didn't get invited.
321
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,619
(phone chimes)
I'm not gonna answer that.
322
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,589
(camera shutter clicking)
323
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,094
You should be plumbing
my depths.
324
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:35,562
Ask me about my father.
325
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,230
Crack the Cody coconut.
326
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,232
I don't know
what any of that means.
327
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:40,768
Oh, for God's sake, son.
328
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,669
At least tell me to work it.
329
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,871
Work it.
330
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,840
We wear so many masks.
331
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,242
(camera shutter clicking)
332
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,211
If we saw our real face
in the mirror,
333
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,280
would we even recognize it?
334
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,248
Work it.
335
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:58,018
(camera shutter clicking)
336
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,719
I see you snapping pictures.
337
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:03,390
But I don't see you celebrating
the mystery in every moment.
338
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,760
RANDY:
Hey, Derrick!
339
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,962
Just a normal day.
340
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,097
(whoops)
341
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,965
(Cody clears throat)
342
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:13,767
Come on, Corporal Hill!
343
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:16,469
Let's make Whoopi.
344
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:18,471
I don't want to.
345
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:23,143
SCHNEEBERGER:
Enjoy your lobster, soldiers.
346
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,213
Butter shot.
347
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,781
Take a moment with the bouquet.
348
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,983
I just want to live with you.
349
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,620
(Perez groaning)
350
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,455
Ugh.
351
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,557
This whole thing is stupid.
352
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,126
It's all about him showing off
how cool he is,
353
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:40,127
when in actual fact,
354
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,661
he sucks.
355
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,131
I'd like to propose a toast
356
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:45,565
to Lieutenant Schneeberger.
357
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,467
Oh... (chuckles)
358
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,236
Not much of a public
speaker, but, uh,
359
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,005
I am a dope-as-hell rapper.
360
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,406
Ruiz, drop me a beat.
361
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,008
No.
Don't need it.
362
00:12:55,042 --> 00:12:57,777
* Lieu to the tenant,
Schnee to the burger *
363
00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,446
* Something, something,
something, something *
364
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:00,848
* Something, something,
something, something *
365
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,515
* Something, something,
something, something *
366
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:03,984
* Something, something,
something, something *
367
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:04,952
* Something, something,
something, something *
368
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:05,785
That was supposed
to be my rap.
369
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:06,820
Seriously?
370
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,355
* Schnee-burgler!
371
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,157
Lobster truth, for real!
372
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,092
Ah, yes!
373
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,994
My apologies.
No worries.
374
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,429
As long as we are
dropping truth bombs...
375
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:17,430
(clears throat)
376
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,266
...let me hit you with this.
377
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,333
I'm proud of you.
378
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,334
ALL: Aw!
379
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,502
You may not hear that a lot.
380
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,471
Not once.
Nope.
Never.
381
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:26,974
Tomorrow we test revolutionary
equipment
382
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,609
that could change
the face of the military.
383
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,845
And looking around
this table tonight,
384
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:34,982
I have no doubt that I chose
the right platoon for the job.
385
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,049
(all exclaiming)
386
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,050
So if you'll indulge me.
387
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:38,418
(clears throat)
388
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,556
He said we're his shining stars.
389
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:45,358
Shut the heck up!
Aw!
Oh, really?
390
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,227
I did. You deserve it.
391
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,930
Um, I-I have
something to say, too.
392
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:54,367
You guys are
my shining stars, too.
Really?
393
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:57,170
Come on.
Wrap it up.
I-I'm just saying.
394
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,672
What makes the platoon
special to me is
395
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:02,342
the closeness of our bonds,
396
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,312
not the coolness of our toys.
397
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,714
(whooshing)
398
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:09,917
Net gun!
We're gonna use that tomorrow!
399
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,151
(excited chattering)
400
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,386
O-M-G.
It's like this, right?
401
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,088
Pete, can you breathe in that?
402
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,025
Hurry up, we're losing light.
403
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,226
We're inside.
404
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,560
The only way to lose light
405
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,362
is if we turn off the lights.
406
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:25,098
Would you like permission
to yell at me, Corporal?
407
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,599
Very much, Sergeant Major.
408
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,834
Permission granted.
409
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,369
Why are you making me do this?!
410
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,404
I literally missed the best day
in Rear D history
411
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:34,074
to take a photo
you could've gotten at the mall!
412
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,045
Well, the truth is...
413
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,947
I don't need a photo.
414
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,381
What?
415
00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:43,683
All I was trying to do
was get you excited.
416
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:47,120
About-about taking weirdly
intimate portraits of you?
417
00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:48,488
About anything!
418
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,591
Let's talk turkey.
419
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,426
You're not a good soldier.
420
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:54,761
You're useless.
421
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,863
To me and to the Army.
422
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,865
Fairly comprehensive insult.
423
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,400
I've seen slackers come and go,
424
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,635
but I promised your dad
I'd look after you.
425
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:05,738
Which at the time didn't seem
like such a project.
426
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,274
Be careful
what you promise people.
427
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,709
Okay, how is this helping me?
428
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,378
I had an idea...
429
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,113
that just maybe
430
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:16,083
you could be a photo journalist.
Why?
431
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,118
Because at one point you used
to like taking pictures.
432
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,586
And you're
a know-it-all smart-ass.
433
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,720
That's the journalist part.
434
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,490
And the Army's got newspapers.
435
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,658
That's actually some really good
guidance counseling.
436
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,261
Hmm.
Sorry you had to get
into a milk bath.
437
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,297
I'm sorry I had to get out.
(clicks tongue)
438
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,831
Not sure why you're winking.
439
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,400
This goes beyond the Army, son.
440
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,135
What are you gonna do
with your life?
441
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,836
I always thought
I could open a bookstore.
442
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,406
You know? Or a video store.
443
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,574
I'm actually starting
to see your point.
444
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,210
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
445
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,278
Got to admit
446
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:46,746
I did actually get
some good stuff.
447
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,015
That's because I can't take
a bad picture.
448
00:15:48,048 --> 00:15:50,317
Well, what about these?
449
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,519
Oh, that's fake.
I mean...
450
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,654
(camera shutter clicks)
451
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,323
Wow.
452
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,658
Yeah.
453
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,528
Oh, man, I feel sorry
for the sons of bitches
454
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,496
who are painting
a wall today.
455
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,499
It'll be waiting for us
when this is over.
456
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,202
Where are these magical weapons
we're supposed to be testing?
457
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,006
Should I do a spider call?
458
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,541
Here, Mondo, Mondo, Mondo!
(mumbling gibberish)
459
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:17,177
I'm gonna punch you in
the back of the head.
460
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,012
Where's the Mondo Spider?
461
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,480
Oh, you mean
the precision machine
462
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,183
that cost $75 million in R&D?
463
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,517
They don't get to touch that.
464
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,386
What? I thought
we were testing weapons.
465
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:28,355
Oh, we are.
466
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,323
It's a device that emits
concentrated sound waves
467
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,659
that cause intense
abdominal discomfort
468
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,861
and evacuation
of the lower intestine.
469
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,496
Evacuation of the...
470
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,198
Wait, so it's a...?
471
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,533
A poo gun!
That's not real.
472
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:41,568
Google it.
473
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,370
Oh, my God, it's real!
474
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,205
Yup.
475
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,739
And those dummies are down there
476
00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:48,741
with a belly full of lobster.
477
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,346
(Randy shouting gibberish)
478
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,751
So, the Army's working
on a poo gun?
479
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:01,054
Well, it's more of a poo ray.
480
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,355
Poo ray!
481
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,690
(laughs)
Anyway...
482
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:05,225
it's for non-lethal
crowd control,
483
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:06,359
blah, blah, blah.
484
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:08,161
No, but you tricked them!
Yep.
485
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,363
Oh, I can't wait
to see Sergeant Hill's face
486
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,765
when he realizes
he begged for this.
487
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,667
And when he poops
his pants.
488
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,269
Wait, you're gonna be
down there with them?
489
00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:19,106
Oh, yeah.
(laughs)
490
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,908
SCHNEEBERGER (over P.A.):
Alpha Company,
491
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,810
in a moment, a flag will appear.
492
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,749
Your objective is
493
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,285
to capture that flag.
494
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:35,021
If you can.
(laughs)
495
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,289
Why is he in the spider?
496
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:37,524
Is he warming it up for us?
497
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,593
Are you warming it up
for us, sir?
498
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:42,462
Oh, maybe we get
our own spiders!
499
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,964
Do we get our own spiders, sir?
500
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,168
What is she waving at?
501
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,271
She's saying, "Run.
502
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:52,605
"Poo.
503
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,040
Gun."
504
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,875
(laughs)
A poo-poo gun.
505
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,977
Oh, God, I thought that
was just a rumor!
506
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,146
It's real!
507
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,813
Oh, God, the images!
508
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,150
Take cover, take cover!
509
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,285
Get down, get down!
510
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:07,220
Come on, let me shoot you!
511
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:08,955
Sergeant Hill!
512
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:11,158
You should've warned us about
Lieutenant Schneeberger!
513
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,292
I said he was the devil.
514
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:13,826
That just made him sound cool.
515
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,628
If I could put my spokesman hat
on one more time.
516
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,029
The platoon is sorry.
517
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:18,798
I'm sorry.
518
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,267
What's the plan, Pete?
519
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,334
We've got to get
Schneeberger!
520
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:22,802
We have to crush him!
521
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,304
Bring him to his Schnees.
522
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,105
(laughs)
That's a good one, huh?
523
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,575
Can we have
the surrender conversation?
ALL: No!
524
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,478
We obviously can't get
the flag without "uh-oh."
525
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,751
All right,
want to get Schneeberger?
526
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,986
ALL: Yes!
527
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,221
It's gonna be messy.
528
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:43,490
Who's in?
I'm in.
529
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:44,624
ALL: I'm in!
530
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:45,825
Randy, I need you
531
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,027
to drive the Paint Cart 5000.
532
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:50,029
And I need you to drive it
533
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,165
like an absolute idiot.
534
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:54,167
It's the only way I know how.
535
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,869
ALL: Hooah!
536
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,205
(grunts)
537
00:18:58,238 --> 00:19:00,006
Here we go.
538
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,842
(grunting)
539
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,344
Yeah, baby!
540
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,645
Stay still!
541
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:08,114
Ah, okay.
ALL: Yeah!
542
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,650
(tires squealing)
543
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,719
Steady it!
544
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:15,021
(grunts)
545
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:17,890
He's straightening out.
Somebody text him, text him!
546
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,526
You're mine now.
547
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,629
(phone chimes)
Oh, hey, Cindy.
548
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,197
On my way with the golf cart.
549
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:25,164
No!
550
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,900
(tires screech)
551
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:31,238
What now, Pete?
552
00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,539
Now...
553
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,141
we make.
History?
554
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,543
You heard what I said.
555
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,811
Oh... okay.
556
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,112
Let's ride!
557
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:48,054
PETE:
You're gonna have to get us all.
558
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:50,122
Whoa, a human shield?
559
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:53,159
(groaning)
560
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,428
Oh, God!
561
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:00,900
Oh!
562
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,836
Oh, cramping!
563
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,406
This is the most beautiful
disgusting thing.
564
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,774
Oh, I've been hit!
565
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,376
But I go down with pride.
566
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,279
Aw, too much lobster.
567
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,947
(groaning)
568
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,990
(distantly):
Get him, Pete!
569
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:34,133
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
570
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,368
Okay, okay!
Say, "I'm sorry."
571
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,469
I'm sorry.
572
00:20:36,503 --> 00:20:38,438
I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry, bro.
573
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,440
I'm still gonna shoot you.
574
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:42,709
(stomach gurgling)
Oh! Oh, God, it works!
575
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,611
Oh, God, it works so well!
576
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,280
(grunting):
Yes, it does!
577
00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:49,949
Yeah!
578
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,953
(soldiers cheering weakly)
579
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:56,155
Yay.
(groaning)
580
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:57,590
Guys, that was amazing.
581
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,626
Chubowski,
clutch your stomach again.
582
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:01,561
Park, keep writhing.
583
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,063
Derrick, where were you?
584
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,233
Sorry, guys,
I am a photo journalist now.
585
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,836
Believe me,
it was hard to stay neutral.
586
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:12,071
(camera shutter clicking)
587
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:14,774
CODY: Outgunned and defenseless,
the brave men and women
588
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:17,610
of Alpha Company piled
onto a golf cart
589
00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:19,812
and hurled themselves
headlong into the path
590
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:23,316
of a weapon
that knew not mercy.
591
00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:25,985
A great deal came
out of them that day.
592
00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:32,692
But the most surprising thing
was courage.
593
00:21:32,725 --> 00:21:36,028
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
40595
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