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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:02,735
- Morning.
- Morning.
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,967
Hey, what's up?
3
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,237
Oh, stop it.
4
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:13,637
- Hey. Give me back my skully.
- This is not a skully.
5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,442
It's a ski cap your grandmother
gave you for Christmas.
6
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:19,882
- Charlie, he's just trying to find his look.
- Word.
7
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:22,217
Word?
8
00:00:22,422 --> 00:00:25,654
There's a reindeer on it.
9
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:29,362
Don't listen to him, Jake.
I think it looks very dope on you.
10
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,055
Oh, man.
11
00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:37,799
Oh, hey, did you see that your former
girlfriend's dance troupe is in town?
12
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:41,567
Mia's here? Let me see that.
Come on, come on, come on.
13
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,744
Whoa, is somebody
still carrying a torch?
14
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,743
Torch? Don't be ridiculous.
15
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:49,577
I mean, I'm glad to see she's following
her dream, but I've moved on.
16
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,685
- I think she called the other day.
- What? When?
17
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,923
What did she want?
What did she say?
18
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:58,149
- Um...
- Come on, kid, spill it.
19
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,793
Nope, no unresolved feelings there.
20
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,492
She wanted to talk to you,
but you weren't home.
21
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:07,897
I know that, you chowderhead.
What else did she say?
22
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:10,960
She said, "What's new?"
I said, "Nothing much."
23
00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:13,664
And then she said, "How's school?"
I said, "It sucks."
24
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,277
Then she said, "That's too bad."
I said, "Yeah."
25
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:21,506
I'm gonna kill him, Alan.
I swear to God I'm gonna kill him.
26
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:25,113
Oh, yeah, she wants us
to come see her dance next weekend.
27
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,479
It says she's performing this weekend.
28
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:30,214
Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
29
00:01:30,457 --> 00:01:32,790
- You're telling me this now?
- Charlie. Calm down.
30
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,054
How many things
does the kid have to handle?
31
00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:37,197
Eat, poop, tell me who called.
32
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,735
She said some guy named Will
has tickets.
33
00:01:42,135 --> 00:01:43,694
[SIGHS]
34
00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:47,637
- Who's Will?
- I don't know. She said he'd call.
35
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,967
Will's gonna call?
36
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:54,012
- You mean the tickets are at will call?
- I don't know. Maybe.
37
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:57,480
Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats.
38
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:02,716
Do me a favor. From now on,
when somebody calls, write it down.
39
00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:04,517
- I did.
- Where?
40
00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:07,183
- On my homework.
- Okay, where's your homework?
41
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:11,832
Um... Oh yeah, my teacher called.
She wants to meet with you.
42
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,658
When?
43
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,735
Oh, I guess it was last week.
44
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,264
Peace out.
45
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,046
Great. Great. Thank you.
46
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,279
Mia left us four seats for Friday night.
47
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:37,288
- House seats, center orchestra.
- Hm.
48
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:41,223
What do you think? You, me, Jake, Kandi,
go out to dinner, make an evening of it?
49
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,488
Sounds like fun.
50
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:47,064
Maybe afterwards you could tie me to an
anthill, and smear honey on my genitals.
51
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:48,827
So you don't wanna go?
52
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:52,465
Jeez, now I see where
the kid gets his brains.
53
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,601
No, I don't wanna go.
Why would I wanna go?
54
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,745
Because you were in love
with the woman...
55
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,403
and still have feelings for her
and wanna see her.
56
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:03,243
Oh, that's crazy.
God, you are so naive.
57
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,717
- How am I naive?
- Oh, oh, I know this one.
58
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:13,790
Alan, when an ex-girlfriend calls,
no good can come from it.
59
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,486
Unless, you know,
it's 2 a.m., she's blind drunk...
60
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:19,963
and wants to get even
with her new, cheating boyfriend.
61
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,534
She just wanted to invite us
to the ballet.
62
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:25,604
Yeah, right.
And girls are completely unaware...
63
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,367
that you can see their nipples
through their shirts.
64
00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:32,045
What does that have to...?
Really, they know?
65
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,541
There's only a few reasons
why an ex calls.
66
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,118
One, they're great
and wanna rub your nose in it.
67
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:42,779
Or two, they're doing lousy
and need to borrow money.
68
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,653
Three, they got money
from knocking over a Laundromat...
69
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,990
and wanna hide it under your trailer
until the heat's off.
70
00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:53,128
It happens.
71
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:59,299
Okay, okay, how about four?
She misses you and wants to try again.
72
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,499
What is it she's gonna try?
73
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,871
To change me into something I'm not?
74
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:07,208
To get me to stop drinking,
smoking, gambling?
75
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:12,683
To rescue me from the barren,
loveless abyss my life has become?
76
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:17,689
What?
77
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,050
You know what I think?
78
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,663
You were never happier
than when you were with Mia.
79
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,664
You still have feelings for her.
You're afraid to admit it.
80
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:30,895
You are so wrong.
You couldn't be more wrong.
81
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,540
- You believe that guy?
- You want the truth?
82
00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:37,906
- No, probably not.
- Good call.
83
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:42,015
Oh, by the way,
here's the 20 bucks I owe you.
84
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:55,184
I am telling you, it is not appropriate
to wear to the ballet.
85
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,862
Why you tripping on me?
86
00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:03,559
Hey, Alan. Matey.
87
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:07,104
- I'm not a pirate.
- You're not a gangsta either.
88
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:11,439
You're a dorky, white kid
with a Cub Scout bandana on his head.
89
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:14,613
Yo, hate the game,
don't hate the player.
90
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,916
You know kids better than me.
91
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:22,749
- How long does this pimp stage last?
- Just ignore him.
92
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,916
- You sure you won't come with us?
- Positive.
93
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:28,994
- Should I at least say hi to Mia for you?
- Say what you want.
94
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,494
- I'm meeting somebody at Pavlov's.
- Who?
95
00:05:31,731 --> 00:05:33,597
How would I know?
I haven't met her yet.
96
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,936
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
97
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,474
Hi. Do I look okay?
98
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,446
- Perfect.
- Hey, no fair.
99
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:53,647
You grow a rack like that, you can
wear anything you want on your head.
100
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,317
You have a house on the beach?
101
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,924
I'd love to see it.
102
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,893
- I could take you there.
- Great.
103
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:07,267
Then I could bring you out
on my deck.
104
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,767
We could watch the surf
in the moonlight.
105
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:13,202
Then I could take you in my arms,
kiss you. Not a big kiss.
106
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,501
Just a little something that gives you
a taste of what's to come.
107
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,804
Well, let's go.
108
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:22,148
I'd take your hand
and lead you up to my bedroom...
109
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,045
where I'd slowly undress you.
110
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,448
Then lay you down on the crisp,
cool sheets...
111
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:30,057
and make wild, passionate love
to you until we're both totally spent.
112
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,483
Okay.
113
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:37,695
Then in the morning, I'll bring you
a cup of coffee and your car keys.
114
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:39,196
Wow.
115
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,492
Wait, my car keys?
116
00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,703
I'll promise to call you,
but I never will.
117
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:49,206
And when you call me, you'll find
that the phone number I gave you...
118
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:52,938
belongs to a dry cleaner
in Koreatown.
119
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,711
What?
120
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,347
When all is said and done,
you know what we'll both have?
121
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:00,646
Nothing.
122
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,221
Not even a good memory.
123
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:08,053
What do you say we do us both a favor
and not go through with this charade?
124
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,457
Okay.
125
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,836
Jeez, I was just trying to get laid.
126
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:21,201
[ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING]
127
00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:26,472
See, Jake, the swan is dying...
128
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,276
Can you believe...?
129
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:38,716
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Pardon me. Excuse me. Hey.
130
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,487
- What did I miss?
- I thought you weren't coming.
131
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,857
I'm not here for Mia.
I'm here to support the arts.
132
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:50,760
Yikes, look at the package
on that pretty dude.
133
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,870
Hey, good job.
134
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,309
Eat something.
135
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:07,948
- Charlie.
- Hey. You were terrific.
136
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,056
Thank you.
137
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,385
- I'm so glad you came.
- Are you kidding me?
138
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,619
I've been looking forward to this
all week.
139
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:19,164
- Dressed like that?
- Well, how else would you recognize me?
140
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:24,732
- These are for you.
- Thank you. They're beautiful.
141
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:27,305
No big deal, they had them
at the liquor store.
142
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,535
It was either this
or a stack of lotto scratchers.
143
00:08:31,578 --> 00:08:35,743
- I think you made the wise choice.
- We'll never know, will we?
144
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:38,475
Alan would've come,
but he had to take the kids home.
145
00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:41,678
- Kids?
- He's kind of adopted a young girl.
146
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,314
- Really?
- Well, not so much adopted as banging.
147
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,253
So you're looking good.
148
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:52,621
- You too. How have you been?
- Great. Just great. Really great.
149
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:55,826
- Good.
- No, no. No, great.
150
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:59,200
- And you, how have you been?
- Wonderful.
151
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,970
All right then, I'm great
and you're wonderful.
152
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,772
So, what the hell are we doing here?
153
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:08,471
There was something
I wanted to talk to you about.
154
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:13,450
- Hey, Mia. Who's your cute friend?
- This is Charlie. Charlie, Theresa.
155
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,054
Hey.
156
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,213
So, what did you want
to talk to me about?
157
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,053
This really isn't the right place.
158
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,525
Why don't I get changed
and stop by your house?
159
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,027
Sure. I'll be up.
160
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:26,723
- Because, you know, I'm a night person.
- I remember.
161
00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:29,128
Of course, if you come too late,
I could be drunk.
162
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,635
- I remember.
- There could be other women there.
163
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,501
I remember.
164
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:36,609
- See you later.
- Whatever.
165
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,979
Hey, can you unhook me?
166
00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:55,157
[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]
167
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,003
What's going on?
168
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,597
Nothing.
169
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,003
Mia's coming over, so I thought I'd...
170
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:09,767
Nothing.
171
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:11,838
- I see.
- What do you mean you see?
172
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:16,175
You're right. It's too much.
173
00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:25,850
- How's that?
- Well, I...
174
00:10:26,025 --> 00:10:30,554
Right. She'll smell there were candles
burning, so I have to light at least one.
175
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,629
- What about the music?
- What about it?
176
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,565
You're right.
Sounds like I'm trying too hard.
177
00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:40,297
[LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]
178
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:45,477
- Better?
- Well, I...
179
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:46,702
You're right.
180
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,904
[MUSIC STOPS]
181
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:49,174
No music.
182
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,175
- Charlie?
- Yeah?
183
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,909
I'm just glad you're over her.
184
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,786
[DOORBELL RINGS]
185
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,049
Get the door. Get the door.
Get the door.
186
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,923
- Hi, Alan.
- Hey, Mia, you were great tonight.
187
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:10,593
- Thanks. Did Jake like it?
- He was absolutely knocked out.
188
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:15,007
Charlie, Mia's here.
189
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,302
Oh, really?
190
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:20,936
- Well, ask her in.
- All right.
191
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:24,140
- Won't you come in?
- Okay.
192
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:27,211
Hi, Mia, I almost forgot
you were coming.
193
00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,482
Get out.
194
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,652
- Nice to see you again.
- Nice to see you too.
195
00:11:32,825 --> 00:11:35,522
Sit down, make yourself at home.
196
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:37,961
Place looks the same.
197
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:41,033
Well, you know me,
if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
198
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,669
If it is broke, who gives a rat's ass?
199
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,437
- Can I get you a drink?
- No, I'm good.
200
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:51,772
- So am I. In fact, I'm great.
- Yeah, you mentioned that.
201
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,004
Repeatedly.
202
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:59,283
So, what did you wanna talk about?
203
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,386
Oh, boy.
204
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,188
This is a hard thing to ask.
205
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:05,852
You need some money.
206
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,820
What? No.
207
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,859
So, what? You wanna get back
together again?
208
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,501
Oh, God no.
209
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:27,743
All right, then, how about
a quickie for old times' sake?
210
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,883
Please.
211
00:12:30,216 --> 00:12:31,741
Charlie...
212
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,046
I think you're a terrific guy.
213
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:37,156
You're smart, you're handsome,
you're talented.
214
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,588
All good arguments for the quickie.
215
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:43,895
- Will you let me finish?
- Didn't I always?
216
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,598
Sorry. Sorry, go on.
217
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:51,703
I've been thinking a lot lately
about what I want out of life.
218
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:57,167
I love dancing, but let's face it,
I'm not getting any younger.
219
00:12:57,343 --> 00:13:00,336
So the time has come
for me to make some tough choices.
220
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,209
- I understand completely.
- You do?
221
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,442
No, I'm just trying to be supportive.
222
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,814
Charlie, I came here because...
223
00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:12,189
Well...
224
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:16,261
I want your sperm.
225
00:13:22,702 --> 00:13:24,068
[SIGHS]
226
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:26,935
All right, where do you want it?
227
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:38,376
- Alan, Alan, wake up. Wake up.
- What?
228
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,679
Mia wants sperm.
229
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,716
Well, don't look at me.
230
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,524
No, no, she wants my sperm.
231
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,595
She wants me to make a deposit
so she can have a baby.
232
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:53,824
- You're kidding.
- Apparently, that's another of its uses.
233
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,899
[KANDI GROANING]
234
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,171
What the hell is that?
235
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,740
I'm not sure. Near as I can tell,
she's chasing a rabbit.
236
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,207
So why did Mia come to you?
237
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,678
Well, it turns out
her biological clock is ticking.
238
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:13,252
Most of the guys she meets are
ballet dancers, so slim pickings there.
239
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,389
She doesn't wanna wait
for Mr. Right to come along.
240
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,754
- Which pretty much leaves you.
- Yep.
241
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:23,521
I'm good genetic material.
You know, easy on the eyes.
242
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:27,724
And she wants to raise the kid alone,
which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
243
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,633
Charlie, drinking, gambling
and casual sex is not a lifestyle.
244
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:34,831
Okay, okay, I didn't come in here
to argue with you.
245
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,374
Look in the hedges,
look in the hedges.
246
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:39,768
What?
247
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:41,270
I don't know.
248
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:46,116
So, what are you gonna do?
You gonna go to a sperm bank?
249
00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:49,585
Well, I tried to talk her into
a direct deposit.
250
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:51,918
You know, straight from the tap.
251
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:57,496
But she really dug in her heels.
And not in the good way.
252
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,290
- And you're okay with it?
- Well, why not?
253
00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:02,458
I've sent billions of soldiers out there.
254
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,503
It's time for one of them
to finally take the hill.
255
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:07,967
[GROWLING]
256
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:12,102
- Now what?
- I think she caught the rabbit.
257
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:16,912
Oh. Anyway, I'm thinking
this could be my one chance...
258
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,609
to guarantee
that the Charlie gene lives on.
259
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:22,620
You know, make sure
the double helix that is uniquely me...
260
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,951
keeps on trucking into the future.
261
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:27,423
Okay, let's assume
that's a good thing.
262
00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:30,963
- One more question.
- Yeah?
263
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:34,100
If you have no doubts,
why'd you wake me up to tell me?
264
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,327
Well, you're my brother...
265
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:39,301
and I thought you should know
you're gonna be an uncle.
266
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,271
You mean I'm gonna be an uncle
to a child I'll never see.
267
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:46,311
Tell you what, when he turns 12,
I'll track him down...
268
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:50,507
bring him to live with you and we'll
see if you get your phone messages.
269
00:15:57,156 --> 00:16:00,820
- What do you think?
- Looks like pretty standard boilerplate.
270
00:16:00,993 --> 00:16:05,624
It says that once your swim team's
off the bus, you're no longer the coach.
271
00:16:06,732 --> 00:16:09,998
All right. Let's see, where do I sign?
272
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:13,333
The old John Hancock, if you will.
273
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,736
You sure you want to?
274
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:18,411
You're giving up the rights
not only to your sperm...
275
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:22,515
but to any children
that might result from them. It.
276
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,343
- I understand.
- Do you?
277
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:28,682
Once you sign, Mia can do whatever
she wants with it. Them.
278
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:34,050
She can use it, resell it, freeze it,
put it on eBay.
279
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:37,686
Hey, I don't care if she uses it
to caulk her bathtub.
280
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:41,732
Once the boys reach escape velocity,
they're on their own.
281
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:46,503
- I see.
- It's out of my hands, so to speak.
282
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,265
I got it.
283
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:52,101
Okay. I'll be back in two shakes.
284
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,406
Three, if it's cold in there.
285
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:17,366
[SIGHS]
286
00:17:50,836 --> 00:17:52,168
Charlie? You okay?
287
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:55,134
[MAN SHOUTING ANGRILY IN SPANISH]
288
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:57,905
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
289
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:05,077
- Charlie?
CHARLIE: What?
290
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,914
You've been in there a long time.
How's it going?
291
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,147
How do you think it's going?
292
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:15,027
Well, I don't know if this'll help,
but sometimes when I was married...
293
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:18,995
I used to pretend I was having sex
with a completely different woman.
294
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:22,863
Oh, thanks. The image of you
bumping uglies with your ex-wife...
295
00:18:23,069 --> 00:18:25,095
should really move things along.
296
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:27,440
Excuse me, I was just trying to help.
297
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,771
Yeah, well, I was just trying
to have sex with a cup.
298
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:36,109
Don't think of it as a cup.
Think of it as a polyurethane lapdancer.
299
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,080
- Get out!
- I'm going.
300
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,819
- Hello?
- Charlie, I was just getting packed.
301
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,395
Oh, right, you're heading
to San Francisco.
302
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:53,295
That's gotta be a big ballet town.
303
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:55,861
Yeah.
304
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,904
- So did you go to the sperm bank?
- Uh-huh.
305
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:00,664
And?
306
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,866
Not a lot of laughs in that place.
307
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,739
I asked the receptionist
if she takes work home with her.
308
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,971
Nothing. Not even a smile.
309
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:11,350
Thanks for doing this.
You have no idea what it means to me.
310
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:16,122
Yeah, well, funny thing, turns out
it means something to me too.
311
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:20,020
- What are you talking about?
- I tried, Mia, I really did.
312
00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:21,854
I tried the magazines, the movies.
313
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,327
You can't imagine
how bad porn acting is...
314
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,729
until you actually watch more
than three, four minutes at a time.
315
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,999
So you're saying you couldn't? You?
316
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,431
Yeah, I know. What are the odds?
317
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:39,003
Well, I guess these things happen.
You'll try again. I'm sure you'll do fine.
318
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,074
I don't think so.
319
00:19:42,248 --> 00:19:43,341
Why not?
320
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,612
I have thoughts about the reason...
321
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:49,586
things didn't go down
as planned, or actually, up.
322
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:52,091
Okay, I'm listening.
323
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,726
As I was sitting
in that little sperm cubicle...
324
00:19:55,895 --> 00:20:00,959
watching Assmasters
7: The Final Chapter...
325
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:05,126
all I could think about was some kid
of mine growing up somewhere...
326
00:20:05,304 --> 00:20:10,072
and me not having a chance to,
you know, be a part of his life.
327
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:13,374
- I thought you were okay with that.
- I thought I was too.
328
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,981
But as it turns out, I'm not.
329
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,481
So if this is something
you really wanna do...
330
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,381
then you're gonna have
to find someone else.
331
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,717
I see.
332
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:29,225
And by the way, Assmasters 7
is not the final chapter.
333
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,759
They left a lot of loose ends.
334
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,462
All right, well, I gotta go.
335
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:41,300
- I appreciate the effort.
- Oh, thanks.
336
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:44,239
I think I have a rotator cuff injury.
337
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,012
Good seeing you again, Charlie.
338
00:20:49,315 --> 00:20:50,806
Good seeing you too.
339
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,157
- Hey, let me float another idea by you.
- What?
340
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:01,624
It's a little crazy, a little unorthodox.
341
00:21:01,794 --> 00:21:04,320
If you really want a kid,
this could be the solution.
342
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:08,992
- Charlie, I am not having sex with you.
- Who said anything about having sex?
343
00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:11,098
I'm asking you to marry me.
344
00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:22,647
There's no Charlie here.
345
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:25,443
Why you stupid girls keep calling?
346
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:29,919
No, listen, I don't take message.
I do dry cleaning.
347
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:34,418
One more time,
there's no Charlie here.
348
00:22:00,419 --> 00:22:02,411
[ENGLISH SDH]
27629
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