All language subtitles for Dave S03E08 Met Gala 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-KHEZU (1)_track4_[eng]

My mother taught me
to analyze society
and not be quiet.

AFENI SHAKUR:
It was my responsibility

to teach Tupac
to survive his reality.

NARRATOR: FX'sDear Mama...

All episodes now streaming.

-DAVE: Why is it so granular?
-ROBYN: Mmm.

-DAVE: Oh, my God.
-Is this garlic hummus?

-DAVE: I like it.
-Should we, like, switch

to tahini, or... ketchup?

I think we should, like, uh,

abandon all condiment-based
hand jobs just for a moment.

-You could be right.
I don't know.
-We can reconfigure,

come up with something new
fun to do.

What do you want to do next?

Uh, wash my hand?

Right this way.

-Yeah.
-You think
you know my home, right?

-I think I do.
-You think you know me.

You think you know
what I stand for?

-Where you going?
-Turns out
you don't know anything

about my home.

Shut up!

Turns out...
I'm a little bit of a mystery.

As is this secret passageway.

This is so much cooler
than a hummus hand job.

-DAVE: Yeah, we should
probably wash up.
-♪ Hi, I'm Dave♪

♪ I'm Lil Dicky♪

♪ Hi, I'm Dave♪

♪ Who's Dave?♪

DAVE:
I got her right here.

Yup. I have her. I have... Huh.

No, I got her.
She's a half-white,

-half-Chinese Jezebel.
-[laughs]

Beautiful. Yup, got her.

Really dainty tattoos. Yeah.

I don't know what to do
with my body right now.

Oh, you're doing
all the right shit.

This is like The Notebook,
but, like, way grittier

and way less idealized.

Is she gonna actually
see this footage?

-Who's she?
-Oh. Emma.

Oh, I don't know.
She just left this here.

Look at you.

You know, The Notebook
is such a basic...

You're basic for saying

-The Notebookis basic.
-You're better than that?

No, you're just a contrarian,
you know?

Come here.
I'm gonna shut you up.

Oh, what the fuck is this?

What?

That's my bear mace.

-Your bear mace?
-Mm-hmm.

[laughs]:
To be fair,

that was supposed to go
next to the bed.

Yeah, look, we'll put it
in the closet,

'cause things like this
don't belong out in the...

-This is not how we do it
in Los Angeles, okay?
-Good call, Captain.

Yeah. And I'm not above
what I preach, you know?

We can't have crossbows
in the closet, either.

This was from tour.
This will be moved.

-Oh, look at this.
-[closet door closes]

-Is that my elephant?
-Yes, he made a friend.

-Oh, wow.
-Look.

DAVE:
Oh, which one is he? He's--
Oh, he's the sturdy one.

ROBYN:
You know that you don't
actually own him, right?

You just--
you finance his survival.

And one day, me and you
are gonna go to Africa,

and we're gonna visit our boy.

-Stop.
-Yeah, it's our son,

and we deserve to see him,
and he deserves to see us.

You're such a good
hands-on father.

-Oh, yeah?
-We need more of you these days.

-Mamma mia.
-[both laugh]

[phone buzzes]

-DAVE: Will you go
one day with me?
-To Africa?

-Yeah.
-Are you kidding? Mm.

DAVE:
Little bit of
a phone call going on.

Oh, my God. Mike will not
leave me the fuck alone.

What is it?

He wants me to get fitted
for the Met Gala.

-Uh, I got invited, and I--
-Wait, what?

-Yeah.
-Wait, what?

-You're...
-Oh, come on.

You got invited to the Met Gala?

[high-pitched]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Why are you so high-pitched?

-Yeah. Yeah.
-That's crazy.
Wait, that's huge.

I-I don't get wrapped up
in this superficial

Hollywood pecking order bullshit
anymore.

That's old me.

New me, way more into...

something like you.

Turns me on thinking of
you walking up those steps

-with that ass. [laughs]
-Yeah?

-Grab my ass.
-Mm.

-I can't believe you're going.
-I'm gonna grab your ass.

[school bell rings]

I mean, I asked him to
take it down, but he won't.

So, this is
Beau Newman's TikTok?

-Mm-hmm.
-I'm so sorry, Delaney.

This stuff shouldn't happen,
but it does,

because boys are the worst.

Well, there's actually
one of you, too.

-Of me?
-Yeah.

BEAU [on video]:
Man, Ms. Wernick, oh, my God.

Look at her titties.

I don't care how old she is,
man.

I want to fuck her so bad.

They're popping
while I bend her right over.

♪

Beau!

Beau, need to speak with you.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

I just saw your TikTok.

-Dope.
-Okay.

I need you to delete
the video of me

and of any other faculty members
or any other students.

Okay? Or you're taking it up
with the principal.

Is that clear?

Yeah, you want me to delete it,
Ms. Werdick?

-It's "Wernick," Beau.
-Yeah, that's what I said.

Uh, Mrs. Werdick.

-I said it right, right?
-[others laughing]

[laughing forcefully]:
You're so fucking funny.

Funny Beau who wants to
bend me over a desk

and fuck me, right?

-Um...
-Well, here I am.

Here are my big titties
for the taking.

Right? Oh,
you want to fuck me, Beau?

-You want to fuck me, Beau?
-PETERSON: Ms. Wernick?

My office. Now.

[sighs]

[muffled chatter]

DAVE:
Al? Al? Al!

-Yes. Sorry.
-Clock in.

You know I don't pick an outfit
out without you.

Uh, sorry.

It's... it's amazing. [chuckles]

-It's the Met Gala
we're talking here.
-Yeah.

We need to make a splash, okay?

-Yes. Yes.
-We need to do something big.

Like what Jack Harlow did.

Oh, my God.
When he said "I love you"

to Emma Chamberlain
on the red carpet, I freaked.

I recorded it, rewound it,
recorded it, rewound it.

-I kept watching it ov--
-What is the deal with this guy?

-Oh, my God.
-I don't understand.

It just doesn't
make sense to me.

It's like, he's tall,
he's good-looking.

He makes Gen Z's pussy quiv.
Who cares?

-Dave.
-JOHN-PAUL: Sounds like this guy
cares a little bit.

This is my first reentry
back into society

since the whole...

-You didn't hang yourself?
-DAVE: Oh, no, not ha--

-Yeah, yeah.
-You know b-- Like, whatever.

Everyone's gonna be wondering,
like,

what is he up to?

What's his next move?

Who is Lil Dicky 2.0?

Right?

Are we missing
an opportunity to make

some kind of statement here?

You can bring attention to
a-a cause,

-you know, that you care about.
-A cause.

Use your platform for good.

I used to not care at all about
what to care about.

Now I care about
what to care about.

I just have no idea
what to care about.

Ghosts.

Ghosts, it's ghosts.
I'm sorry.

Right now?
Right now, it's ghosts.

I've never encountered
any sort of ghost issue.

Okay, then
I'll fucking kill myself.

What about climate change?

-Climate change?
-Hmm.

We have 11 years
to stop the temperature

from rising
1.5 degrees Celsius,

and if we don't do that,

it will lead to
catastrophic damage

that will lead to
the destruction of the Earth's--

-Are you kidding?
-JOHN-PAUL: It is what it is.

How is no one
talking about this?

-ALLY: People are
talking about it.
-Everybody's talking about this.

How is this not, like,
leading SportsCenterevery day?

Like, breaking news,
we have ten years,

364 days left, like we have...

Ooh, I love this for you.

Okay, yes,
a look about climate change.

-Okay, okay, okay. Earth.
-Save the Earth. Save the Earth.

-I have it. I can't tell you.
-DAVE: What is it?

It's got to be a rush job.

-It's gonna cost you
five times as much.
-Five?

But it's gonna be good, and
I really need this right now

-psychologically, like...
-Al! Will you be in charge

of making sure that
I use my platform for good?

-From here on out?
-Wait, are you serious?

Yeah, I need someone to do that.
Who better than you?

You're the moral compass of life
for me.

Would you take that honor, or
do you not have the bandwidth?

[chuckles]:
Ban-- Bandwidth? Yeah. Yes!

I have bandwidth.
I have bandwidth.

-Yeah?
-Yes, yeah, please.

-DAVE: Great.
-ALLY: Yes. Yeah.

CEO of morality.

Whoo!

-GATA: Yeah.
-CATHERINE: Okay, there we go.

-Don't scratch my baby.
-No, I promise you I will not.

-All right.
-[laughs]

CATHERINE:
All right.

-Aw...
-All right, Moms.

-You want it back
by 4:00 or 5:00?
-Oh, it's all good.

Do what you got to do.
I'm-a just get a ride from Elz.

Okay.

They really stole your shit
straight out the driveway.

I can't believe
they took the car.

The whole block is
getting worse.

-It's getting tricky
over there, Moms.
-Yeah.

But don't you worry about me,
baby.

You just focus up, okay?

They got me on this panel,
just me.

-[laughs]
-No LD.

-Can you believe that?
-Yes, I can.

-I love you, baby.
-All right, I love you, Moms.

You have-- Mm.
You have fun, okay?

Ey, pray for me now.

-Oh, child-- Always.
-GATA: Whoo!

[laughs] Oh, shoot.

Oh, yeah, look
at this here, bruh.

I'm about to get
my William Shakespeare on

up in this motherfucker, bro.

Thanks for coming, dawg.

Of course. This is crazy.

This is like a real event.

I know, bro,
they got stars coming out,

make a cameo and shit.

Dude, I didn't realize
you were like

such a mental health expert.

What? [scoffs]

I'm about to win this shit, bro.

Gata, you know it's a panel.

There's no winners.
There's just losers.

Bro, there's always room
for some gander.

I'm Black and bipolar, bro,
seriously.

-They need a real nigga out here
like me giving perspective.
-Do they?

What the fuck, dawg?
I thought you was out here

-supporting me, bro.
-I'm here to support you,

but I'm saying do they need
"a real nigga" perspective?

Or do they just need
a nigga up there, you know,

to fit in
with all the white people.

I'm locked in for this shit,
bro.

Cognitive dissonance.
You hear that?

Cognitive dissonance.

Took me about a week
to memorize that shit.

I'm about to go backstage.

All right, bro. Good lookin'.

-Hey, I'm-a win this shit, bro.
-[exhales sharply]

♪

DAVE:
Great call on
the contact lenses, John-Paul.

I love this shit.

I feel like
Bradley fucking Cooper.

Imagine someone walking
down the red carpet

with brown eyes? [laughs]

-You look hot.
-I'm gonna send

a little pic to Robyn.
She's got the house to herself,

she might want to masturbate.

-[camera clicks]
-Oh, Dave.

I didn't realize
you had a girlfriend.

Eh... not my girlfriend.

Definitely a special person
in my life right now.

But she lives in Wisconsin,
and we're kind of like,

in this, like, experimental
new phase of dating,

I suppose, but, uh...

I'd say it's like casual sex
with, like, a fuckton of heart.

But you're thinking about her.

You're thinking about her
all the time.

Even when you're not with her,
right?

Eh, I don't think about her
at every moment, no. Should I?

I don't know, I feel like
casual sex is awesome, right?

It's kind of like,
like it's loose, it's hippie.

It's freeing, you know?

I mean, the specificity
in which they make love,

it's more than that,
it's uniquely intimate.

It's almost primal
in its execution.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

It's such standard fare
with me and her.

It's like, missionary,
girl on top.

It's good. I mean,
sometimes we sweat.

That's emotional.
That's a connection.

There's something deeper.

I look her in the eyes.

-And that means a lot.
-I haven't looked anyone

in the eyes before
when-when I fucked.

We're the only animals on earth
that do that,

other than
bonobos and gorillas.

-A bonobo?
-Mm-hmm. Like the pants.

You think she's sitting
over there, like, thinking,

"When's the day he's gonna
ask me to be his girlfriend?"

MIKE:
Well, ma-- or-or wife.

Whatever. I can't really
focus on that right now.

There's too much potential
energy in the Big Apple.

Look at this.
I'm getting fucking dolled up

for the Met Gala.

This is your new beginning,
a new birth for you.

-This is a big moment
for my rebrand, and...
-MIKE: Huge.

-Dave.
-DAVE: Yeah?

-Dave, my sexy boy.
-Yeah?

It's time to see the suit.

-[groans]
-I haven't slept in three days,

-but we got this
all figured out.
-Show me.

-Okay. Well, you wanted big.
-Yeah.

I can give you bigger than
you've ever seen, baby.

-Okay.
-Okay, so,

here we have you.

You're walking
down the red carpet.

You're looking cutie,
you're looking sexy,

-you're looking gorg-eanica,
you're slaying.
-Well animated, yeah.

But is that all it is?

No. Not in John-Paul's world.

I don't do shit like that.

So, you're gonna get
to your trigger point.

-Trigger point?
-And you're going to yank
on this chain,

which is gonna be in the back

attached to the accelerator
that will fire up,

and then you're gonna inflate.

Holy shit.

-JOHN-PAUL: Big. The world.
-DAVE: So... okay.

-You're. The. Globe.
-The globe, yeah.

-Yes. Yes. Yes.
-Very cool conceptually.

So, big enough to where
it's knocking all that...

JOHN-PAUL:
We're talking 40 feet.

It's gonna take up
the whole entire space.

So if I was here,
and I pulled the thing,

and like, he was here,
he would...

Not quite like a bomb,
but somewhere in the middle.

-Like an airbag?
-Yeah, don't say "bomb."

-Like an airbag, exactly, yeah.
-Oh.

-Don't say "bomb" to the press.
-AVA: Don't say "bomb."

It looks like it's gonna
hurt a-a little bit.

-Yeah.
-For a few people.

It would hurt more
if the world wasn't saved.

-Yeah.
-Dave, I just need you to know

that you're gonna get
permanently banned.

So? You think
I give a shit about...

MIKE:
He does not give a shit.

...the Met Gala and all these
goddamn celebrities?

The world is exploding!

-Yeah.
-Or... ending or you know...

Whew! Oh, my God, we're
gonna be, like, the most...

talked-about people
in the world.

-In the world. Yeah.
-But for the world.

["Dies Irae"
by Mozart playing]

REPORTER:
What are you wearing, Emma?

It's Versace.

Oh, my God, it's fabulous.

♪

♪

[camera shutters clicking]

REPORTER:
Megan! Megan! Oh, my God!

-You're so hot!
-REPORTER 2: Megan!

Megan, how?!

MGK! MGK!

You got to have a huge cock,
right?

Uh...

-Okay.
-How big is it?

The people need to know.

♪

MAN:
Oh, shit.

Are you Lil Dicky?

Don.

-Hi.
-[laughs] Oh, man!

-What's up, man?
-Man...

-Nothing much.
-Oh, I'm a fan, bro.

Yeah?

Man, I got to tell you,
that death shit? Dope.

Oh, it was, uh, you know, no.
I mean, yeah, but no.

-It wasn't like that.
-Don't let anybody steal
your thunder. It was amazing.

-Yeah, oh...
-Okay. You're amazing.

Look, I got to go in here
and do my thing, but, uh,

you want to hook up later?

I'm meeting Denzel in there
and we can, like,

smoke a J
and just get fucking crazy.

-It's the Met Gala, right?
-Smoke a joint with you
and Denzel Washington?

-Yeah, man, you with it?
-Uh, yeah, yeah.

-All right, Lil Dicky,
good to meet you, bro-bro.
-You, too, Don Cheadle, bro-bro.

-Stay up, bro.
-[crowd clamoring]

♪

Don! What's next for you?

Uh, you know, some Marvel shit.

[reporters shouting, clamoring]

REPORTER:
Who are you?!

REPORTER 2:
You faked your death, man!

REPORTER 3:
Who are you now?

[shouting, clamoring]

Hey, Dave,
are you dead or alive?!

-Over here! This way!
-[shouting, clamoring]

We have 11 years
to not make it...

[shouting, clamoring]

No, we have 11 years left

to make the world not be
1.5 degrees Celsius...

more temperature-wise...

but can't go over the...

or it's irreversi--

-Um...
-[shouting, clamoring]

♪

REPORTER:
Right this way, Jack!

Oh, my contact!

Oh! [grunts]

[shouting, clamoring]

Can we pause for the contact?

Goddamn it. Do you see it?

He can wait his turn!

He'll wait his turn!

[muttering]:
Fuck it. Fuck. Fuck.

As I was saying,

if we don't get our shit
together right now as a world,

we'll never do
what we need to do to...

L-Deezy! What the fuck, man?

This blunt ain't gonna smoke
itself. You in or what?

What's happening?

Let's go!

["Requiem in D Minor, Lacrimosa"
by Mozart playing]

[grunts]

[indistinct chatter]

[gong clanging]

Please take your seats.

Certainly are
the beautiful people.

[chair squeaks]

[groans] Goddamn it.

Welcome...

to the Met Gala.

You are all here because you are

the elite, but...

who is...

most?

Look around.

Who do you despise?

Who is your rival?

Tonight we shall find out.

Olaf!

The ball!

["Requiem in D Minor, Lacrimosa"
by Mozart continues]

♪

ANNA WINTOUR:
There is only one Met Ball.

-[gong clanging]
-First up,

Travis Barker.

[gong clangs]

-Oh, shit.
-WINTOUR: And...

Finneas!

[gong clangs]

-Who is that?
-Billie Eilish's brother.

[murmuring continues]

[whispers]:
Who's Finneas?

[drums playing]

♪

[both shouting]

[both laughing]

You fucking idiots.

WINTOUR: Just a little prank
we play for the first years.

Yeah, we just get fucked up
and have a good time.

[cheering, applause]

Yeah! Fuck yeah!

WINTOUR:
Enjoy yourselves.

Everything's free.

[cheering, applause]

This dude really
fucking believed that shit.

[Harlow laughing]

I mean, what world
are you living in, dawg?

Uh, hey, youngin.

I'm living in the world
that's only got 11 years left

unless we make
the three and a half de--

or two and a half degrees
Celsius not reach

that point.
What world are you living in?

One that's TikTok-based?

[laughs]

My name's Jack.
What's your name?

What's your name?

Like, my legal government name?

'Cause I know you know
my artist name.

The whole reason
that you're even here

-is because I came first.
-Mm.

Look at how you've modeled
your whole physicality.

I mean,
surely you must hear it a lot.

I do know who you are,
and you're actually...

the worst thing that's
ever happened to my career.

Hard to compete.

You know, just being associated
with you at all is...

it's tough. I can't lie, but...

I get through it,
as you can see.

It's hard to be associated
with this level...

of art.

It's a breeze
at the end of the day.

-[both laugh]
-Don't touch.

You can look,
but you can't touch.

I'd rather touch almost.

I'll give it to you,
you got hot.

Some people want to be hot,
some people don't, I get it.

"Ooh, I put earrings in."

If I wore those,
I'd look like a woman.

-[sniffing]
-What are you doing?

Mmm.

You stink, bitch.

I like that.

[scoffs]
Got beef?

'Cause I got a whole slab.

[Harlow scoffs]

Pussy.

Okay.

"Slab"?

Thank you all so much
for joining us here today.

So, Demi, tell us,
where do you stand

on the media's portrayal
of mental health?

Well, look, I've made
my fair share of mistakes.

And I love you, media,

but you love to tear us down.

Still if you've got a platform,

you have to stay open,

keep yourself accountable,
you know what I mean?

I agree, you got
to put your shit out there

-every day.
-Wait, we can curse?

I want a do-over.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah, you a fool,
Demi Lovato.

And you got a cold-ass falsetto,
but...

that's what it's about though,
you know? Share your pain,

and somebody else
will share theirs, too.

Lot of people connect
with me, honestly,

'cause I am bipolar.

[audience murmuring]

Oh, me, too.

I feel you on that.

I think it's about staying
true to your feelings.

For me, at least. You know,

when I was younger,
things were a little confusing.

I had to understand
my gender identity,

my sexuality...

Sexuality? Oof!

That shit got me going crazy.

Did y'all know
that I'm a sex addict, too?

Check this story out.

One time, I was in my car,
bored as hell,

so I, you know,
slide in a chick's DM,

tell her to come through,
she pull up,

whoop-deep-whoop,
yada, yada, yada.

But she didn't look nothing
like her pictures though.

That's when I realized

I got sucked by a fat bitch
just to feel something.

And after I bust,
I'm like, "Damn.

Nigga really got a problem."

[audience whispering, murmuring]

What the fuck is
Gata talking about

in front
of all these white people?

Hey, do you, do you know him?

Uh, unfortunately.

Aw, man, your friend is awesome.

Uh, my name's Ted Shunim.

-I make reality TV.
-Elz.

I've got this new show.

It's a mental health show
called Nut Haus.

He would be great.

I mean, you could talk to Gata.

He'd do anything
to be famous at this point.

What, I'm supposed to be up here
keeping it real, right?

No need to whisper.

-Right.
-[audience murmuring]

And, um...

uh, Mr. Steer,
you've talked about--

And I never met my dad.

And I call my aunt my mom
because she raised me.

Oh.

-GATA: That shit
kills me every day.
-Mm.

I'm not gonna allow y'all
to sit up here and judge me.

Only God can judge me.

That's cognitive dissonance.

-That's beautiful.
-[applause]

Thank you so much
for sharing that with us.

He's gonna be famous.

I want to save the Earth, too,
Al, I really do,

but, like, Don Cheadle's here,
Harlow-- [stammers]

It's like, it's a lot.
It's an overwhelming situation.

ALLY:
Look, it's not a lost cause.

Because the most visible
picture at this thing

is always the bathroom selfie.

I have no idea what that means.
What is the bathroom selfie?

Every year the coolest celebs

go to the bathroom
at the same time

-and take a selfie.
-[sighs]

You've got to find out
when they're doing it,

get in there and pull that cord.

Well, how does it,
how do I do that?

-I don't know how
that fucking shit works.
-Um...

excuse me, do you,
do you mind if I, um...

just, uh, plug in here?

Thanks, Olaf, bye.

-Is that okay? Okay.
-Yeah.

-Thank you. Sorry.
-Yeah, take a seat.

There's, like, one outlet
in this whole place.

-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah, I could use a seat.

-Whew!
-Whew.

Oh, that feels better.

[exhales]

You okay?

Yeah, just...

-can't see anything
with this thing on.
-Oh, yeah.

I'm Rachel.

-Hi, Rachel.
-Hi.

I'm Dave. Nice to meet you.

Dave, nice to meet you.

You having fun?

Uh, not particularly.

-[laughs]: No.
-To be frank with you, no.

It's my first Met Gala,
and it's just not going

anywhere close
to how I envisioned it.

Hey, honestly, these things
really stress me out.

-Yeah?
-I only came,
my publicist forced me,

so I could promote
my next movie.

Well, if it makes you feel
any better,

I will go see that movie.

So the promotion
actually worked.

Tell your publicist you've got
one customer locked in

to go see that new film.

-All right, I will...
-Yeah.

-I'm gonna let her know,
thank you.
-Yeah.

My publicist made me
come here, too.

-Really?
-Yeah, I've got
a publicist, as well.

What do you do, Dave?

I'm a rapper.

-Yeah.
-A rapper?

-Cool, right?
-Very.

-Yeah.
-So, like, you could write
a rap about us

meeting like losers
on the ground.

Couple of people chitchatting,
sitting Indian style.

I would knock it
out of the park.

[laughing]

I'm really bummed
that you're not having fun

-at your first Met Ball.
-Uh, well...

What can we do
to turn that around?

How can we make it better?

I mean, do you know anything

about this
bathroom selfie thing?

I feel so lame asking that.

No, don't feel lame.

I felt the exact same way.

You just need someone
to get the ball rolling.

-Okay.
-So I'm gonna
corral everybody up.

And you're gonna go
to the bathroom.

Everyone comes in, and it's
gonna down just like that.

You really have
that kind of influence, huh?

I got them eating
out of the palm of my hand.

-Yum, yum, yum.
-Ah!

-Are you gonna be
in this picture with me?
-No, God no.

No, no, no. I don't take
pictures in bathrooms anymore.

The elephant in the room is,
like, getting up is gonna be,

like, borderline impossible
in this outfit.

-Really?
-Yeah, will you help me up?

I can't.

I was hoping you would help me.

Ah, let's combine...

-the inertia of...
-Where are our publicists?

I know. Here, we can...

if we just... [grunts]

-[screams]
-I got you.

-Sorry, sorry. Yes, I'm up.
-You okay?

-[laughs]
-Should we do the plan now?

Yes.

-Okay, copy you.
-Okay.

-Copying that.
-Rachel's on the move.

-Roger, you.
-I'm gonna go to the bathroom
downstairs.

-Okay, yes.
-Across the hall.

-Go get 'em, tiger.
-Third door. Okay.

No, that's what I'm saying, I
just did it a couple hours ago.

Just handle it, please.
Jesus Christ.

So I need you
to get in there and--

Hang on a second.

Okay, yeah.

I need somebody to get in there
and get rid of it, okay?

Get it out of there
before it opens tomorrow.

Yeah, big red letters
right by the crown.

Yeah, on the inside, Carla,
you think

I scaled the outside of
the fucking Statue of Liberty?

No, you don't yell at me, okay?

This is your fucking job!

It's what I pay you for.

Why do you need to know
what it says?

It doesn't matter what it sa--

It says "fuck white people,"
okay?

Just get--

No, I wasn't on fentanyl again.
Jesus Christ.

[whispers]:
"Fentanyl"?

[stammers]

Fuck.

[farts]

[sighs]

[farts]

[sighs]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[sniffs]

[whistles]

-[overlapping conversations]
-You crushed it out there.
-Thank you.

-So I'm saying it's like,
it's like pickleball.
-Yeah.

-But it's better
than pickleball.
-Okay.

CHEADLE: Because you can,
you don't have to be dressed.

-Right, that's true.
-Exactly.

KELLY:
Dude, this has become
my favorite part.

-Let's do the selfie.
-Up yours.

[indistinct chatter]

Man, that food sucked.

Whoo!
We look good, baby.

-Let's do it.
-[toilet flushes]

-Selfie time?
-What the fuck?

Whoa.

DAVE:
No?

Wait... [chuckles]

Are we doing
the bathroom selfie, no?

Were you waiting in the stall
for the selfie?

-[laughter]
-DAVE: No.

If you must know,
I was taking a shit.

So...

-Ah.
-Ew.

Shitting, he says.

[sniffing]

It's fine, guys.

Yeah, uh...

I don't think this guy
was taking a shit.

Wow.

And I'm from Kentucky,
so I know shit.

-That's facts.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, he does.

What? What the fuck
does that even mean?

Why would you lie about that?
That's so lame.

I'm not lying.

Do you guys want to smell
my asshole for proof?

-Uh, what do you want?
-No, gross.

-FOX: Ew!
-I'm sorry.
-Ugh.

Criticism aside, I owe you
an apology from Germany.

I am sorry about what happened.

I don't blame you for the
Holocaust just 'cause you're

-a tall Aryan guy.
-That's not at all
what I'm talking about.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I've never even been
to Europe, dude.

Oh! You've never been to Europe?

-Wow.
-Whoa.
-Really?

HARLOW:
Oh, God.

You would love Europe.

Okay, you don't know
anything about me.

None of us do.

BARKER: You guys,
shut the fuck up, let's take

this fucking picture
before I lose my mind.

Please, please.

-Let's do this.
-Yeah.

Why don't you guys stand
right next to me, no, stand

right next to me.
Stand right next to me.

-Okay.
-DAVE: Right here.

Yeah.

-Okay, remember... Okay.
-You're gonna remember
this shit forever.

-Whole world's gonna
see this shit.
-KELLY: All right.

All right, so, uh,

how about "we run this city"
on three?

Nice!

CHEADLE:
All right, here we go. One,

[distorted]:
two...

three!

-ALL: We run this city--
-Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Sorry. [grunting] One more.

Oh, sorry.

You said you didn't want to be
in the bathroom selfie.

Oh, well, well,

one more for old time's sake.

Does my hair look okay?

It looks perfect.

CHEADLE: All right,
all right, let's do this.

One, two, three.

ALL:
We run this city!

-[camera clicking]
-All right.

-Another one?
-KELLY: Yes, sir!

CHEADLE: All right, I'm gonna go
hang out with some Black people.

Man, that was an exhilarating
mission, wasn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Thank you for, like,

going all out to set me up

-for success.
-Oh, yeah, of course.

I mean, you're just...
you're so cute.

-And funny and...
-Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I, um...

do you live in L.A.?

-Yeah.
-Really?

-Yes.
-Okay.

Um, do you want
to get a meal sometime?

-It'd be fun. Do you want
to give me your phone?
-Yeah, yeah.

-And I'll put my...
-Sure.

Number in the old, uh...

-Digit in the old...
-Box of, uh...

-magic box.
-That would be...

-everything.
-[phone buzzing]

Oh, sorry,
you're getting a call here.

Yeah.

Sorry, here you go.

[clucking tongue]

All right.

Well...

-Okay.
-Okay.

You'll be hearing from me.

-Okay, sounds good.
-Okay.

Oh, and I want to hear
that rap about us.

I'm on it.

Good night.

[quiet chatter]

[phone chimes]

♪

[device whirring, beeping]

Oh, fuck!

[yells]

Move! Move!

Oh, no, I'm in flames, ah!

-I'm gonna roll!
-[clamoring]

Help!

[shouting, screaming continues]

-[tires screech, horn honks]
-I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

[indistinct shouting, clamoring]

[horns honking]

-[screaming]
-[crashing]

♪

DAVE: Welcome to the tour!

How is the search
for love going?

I mean,
I had such high hopes.

This is your first tour.
You're supposed to go hard.

DAVE: I'm so happy that I get
to see America for what it is.

You don't know my values.

Maybe we have more in common
than you might think.

Why don't you just tell me
what they are?Uh...

Mom, what are our values?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Coffee for Joo? Joo?

Coffee for...

There you go, Joo.

NARRATOR: FX'sDave.

All new Wednesdays at 10:00

on FXX.

♪ You can run

♪ For a long time

♪ Sooner or later
God will cut you down♪

ANNOUNCER:
FX'sMayans,

the final season
premieres May 24th on FX.

What's so great in
Atlanta that you can't
just leave it behind?

[ALL WHOOPING]

Oh, we're outside!

[YELLS][GUNSHOT]

I watch Criminal Minds.

And I know when
someone's up to
something twisted.

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, wait, man.
Wait, wait...Wake up!

[YELLS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, this feel
illegal as hell.

ANNOUNCER: FX'sAtlanta,
the final season
now streaming.