All language subtitles for ttttt

In 1991, she became
the first female late-night talk show host

on a major network.

Tonight with Katherine Newbury
is the gold standard--

She has hosted over 6000 episodes,
winning 43 prime-time Emmy awards.

She's brilliant.
She is excellence without compromise.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage

this year's recipient
of the American Humor Award,

Katherine Newbury.

Thank you so much
for this incredible honour.

I do have to say,
I think America is in a tough spot

if it's giving this amazing award for
American comedy to an English woman.

I guess they're right,
foreigners are taking all your jobs.

I mean, what happened?

Is there no one funny
left in the country?

Is Martin Short dead?

What about Jerry Seinfeld?
Or how about Alec Baldwin?

I mean, come on.
Did someone blow up the Hamptons?

Whatever the reason, I'm assuming
I'm here because 28 years ago,

you gave me
the greatest honour of my life:

You made me the host
of Tonight with Katherine Newbury.

Oh, God!

I've hated many pairs of shoes
in my time, but none more than these.

Everything hurts.
I'm in hell. How are you?

I liked your speech.

But you have notes.
I know you have notes.

My only note is
to drink as much as you want.

I ran into Steve Martin.
He sends his love.

He sends his love?

Jesus Christ.
How sick do people think I am?

Please don't die before I get home.

I haven't got the strength
to organise your funeral.

-Go party.
-Are you kidding?

My SPANX cut off the blood to my head.

I'm going to bed.

-Good night, my love.
-I'll see you tomorrow.

You know what I hate?

Those friends who are like,
"Oh, can you take off your shoes?"

Nope! Not taking them off.

You know why?

Because this is not Japan.

It's the United States of America.

Next time you go to a friend's house

and that friend says, "Hold on.
Can you take your shoes off?"

Here's what you do.
You take one of their shoes

and you take a shit in it.

All right? Right in front of him.

Boom, you're welcome, America.

Oh, what a wanker.

So how did the speech go?
Did you like what the writers wrote?

Well, I kept the last line.
"Thank you for this honour. Good night."

I'll take that as a "no."

The network has been trying
to contact us.

You have to call Caroline back.

I was just reading about her. Yeah, here.

Listen to this.
"As a female president of a network--"

Don't start any sentence
with "As a female." So tacky.

"I want to remind my network
that show business is still business.

When I was
at Harvard Business School,"

where apparently
she majored in name-dropping,

"I learned if we're not hitting

prospective consumers
in all four quadrants,

we won't make a return
on our investment."

She sounds hilarious.
I can't wait to call her back.

Great. Gabe Eichler is waiting
to talk to you.

-I don't know who that is.
-He's one of our writers.

I'm in a single-income household.

And Jen and I just had
our second baby, Taylor.

Adorable, huh?

She takes after you.

Yeah. Thanks.

So there's a lot of expenses
at home right now

and I think it's time for a raise.

I see.

This is actually very exciting to me.

-Really? Great.
-Because what you're describing

is the most clear-cut example
of the classic sexist argument

for the advancement of men
in the workplace.

You're asking for a raise
not for any work-related contribution,

but because you have a family.

And that's why, in the 1950s,

family men were promoted
over the women they worked with.

I've never encountered it
in such a clean, teachable way.

I don't think that's what's happening.

I can't give you a raise.
It's like giving a raise to a drug addict.

-What?
-Your situations are identical.

A drug addict makes
certain decisions outside of work

for their sense of self and comfort,

and then the addiction demands
more time, energy, money,

just like a child.

-My child's like a drug problem?
-Exactly.

You want special treatment.

You can see how unfair that'd be
to a single man or woman.

-There are no women on this staff.
-Gabe--

And it's because you hate women.

So you can sit there spouting
this pseudo feminist bullshit,

but we all know what's going on here.

We need to hire a woman.

You're fired, obviously.

Just so you know,
this show sucks and has for years.

Everybody's here for the pay cheque.

That would mean more
coming from someone with a job.

All right, man. Yeah, sorry.

Bradley, I don't hate women.

-I don't think you think you hate women.
-What does that mean?

I think you have a problem with women.

I love Mary Tyler Moore!
I love Gilda Radner!

They're both dead.

I think you have a problem
with living female writers on your staff.

You never want to renew their contracts.

Well, find me one worth keeping.

-Would a gay guy work?
-No!

I have spread my dreams
under your feet;

Tread softly
because you tread on my dreams.

God! Okay, all right, all right.

Oh, there's my guy.

-How are you, buddy?
-Good.

Remember my little brother, Hayes?
He's the funny one in the family.

-All right.
-Wait, someone in your family is funny?

Hayes, your timing could not be better.
Gabe got fired last week.

Gabe asked if he could go home
and have dinner with his kids. Suicide.

So when you go in there,
no commitments.

-Okay.
-No girlfriend. You're a monk.

-All right, monk.
-Dad already called the network.

-You got this.
-You got this.

Thank you.

-Good luck, man.
-Text me after.

All right.

You worked at "Chemical Plant."
Is that a cable show?

No, it's a place. It's a chemical plant.

-I still work there, actually.
-How did you even hear about this job?

Your submission came from
Margaret Yang in Human Resources.

At the chemical plant,
there is a corkboard,

where people hang notices
for bikes, futons, missing cats.

And one day, I saw a notice
for a company-sponsored essay contest

where the prize was,
you could meet any executive you want.

-An essay contest?
-Yes.

To meet an executive
like the head of the chemical plant?

Yes, I think that's what
you could've picked, traditionally.

-But you didn't.
-No.

I picked Vernon Gleason,
the chief operating officer

for all of Mainline Chemical,
which owns my plant,

but also owns ComTech,
which owns this network,

which owns
Tonight with Katherine Newbury.

So you went
to our parent's parent company

-in order to make this interview?
-Yup.

And you have no experience in comedy?

No, I'm obsessed with comedy.

I've seen every episode of this show.
I've read every book written about it.

-I do a little stand-up.
-Where?

If you have a problem, ask the chemist.

She'll always have the solution.

Which kills with people
who know about chemistry.

I'm actually emceeing a benefit
pretty soon. It's kind of cool.

"Cancer Isn't Funny. A night of comedy
in support of lung cancer."

Jesus Christ.

-Yes.
-It's me. Did you hire a woman yet?

-Working on it.
-What's taking so long?

Submissions haven't been
the strongest.

Just hire a woman!

I also wanted to add,
I live with my aunt and uncle

and 11-year-old cousin in Queens.

I have no friends, no boyfriends.
I am a monk.

This job would be my life.

Would you consider yourself
a litigious person?

-Litigious?
-A TV writers' room is not very PC.

It can be a pretty
masculine environment.

Oh, I saw the writers. I'm not
overly worried about masculinity.

You're hired.

For 13 weeks. And if it doesn't work out,
which it probably won't, you'll be gone.

I can't believe this.

-I thought this was going very badly.
-It did and then it didn't.

Here's my spiel to new writers.

Nothing funny happened after 1995.
Don't talk about the Internet.

She doesn't wanna leave her desk,
doesn't wanna leave the office.

Don't rock the boat.

Oh, but don't use
the expression "Don't rock the boat"

because she hates it. Got it?

Didn't you pitch us
this same exact thing last week?

-I did a different iteration.
-Exact same thing.

Hey, guys, this is...

-What's your name again?
-Molly.

Mali. She used to work
at a chemical plant, now she works here.

Thank God. We're starving. Can you find
out the soup of the day at Au Bon Pain?

I need you to send packages
back to L.L. Bean for me.

She's not a production assistant,
dipshits. She's a new writer.

Hi.

So you start tomorrow at 10.

-Great.
-Okay.

Are you okay?

I'm so happy, I feel sick.

That's our show, everyone. I hope
I earned the privilege of your time.

-Brad.
-Yeah.

Who is the woman
who was the second guest?

Diane Feinstein? U.S. senator?

I thought it was Mike Myers
in old lady make-up.

Jesus Christ.

Why does she keep booking
these boring, old broads

when I rep the funniest comedians
in the city?

Because I have a soft spot
for boring, old broads.

Speaking as one. Hello, Billy.

-You look gorgeous as ever.
-Thanks.

To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit
from the world's pushiest manager?

How about getting my guys on the
show? It'll shake dust off of this place.

-Dust?
-Okay, Billy.

Your charm is wearing off.
I'll walk you out.

You know I'm right.

Good for you. You're going
to go celebrate with your friends?

-We're gonna go get drinks.
-You deserve it.

Okay, Mom. I don't wanna
keep them waiting. I better go.

-Was that the microwave?
-Oh, no, it's the doorbell.

Be right there, you guys!
Okay, I gotta go.

Where did that catchphrase come from?

"I hope I earned
the privilege of your time"?

It came from me.

A sign of respect for my audience.

Your audience.

Your tiny, proper,
catchphrase-loving audience.

It's cute. I like it.

-That's a little insulting, isn't it?
-You know what's insulting?

Waiting a week for one
of your employees to call you back.

I apologise. I was away,
accepting an award for comedy.

Comedy's the three-and-a-half-minute
chunks of filler on TV

between the commercials you sell.

I came to tell you this year is your last.

What?

This season is your last.

You're cancelling the show?

No, I'm cancelling you.

The show is irrelevant.
The ratings reflect that.

Do you wanna know
who Jimmy Fallon had on last Tuesday

when you had Doris Kearns Goodwin?

Robert Downey Jr.

They washed a sheepdog.
It was fucking glorious.

I'm sorry, Caroline.

Should I have played giant Connect Four

or perhaps sung a karaoke song
on a tandem bicycle?

It's Doris Kearns Goodwin,
she's a national treasure.

Agreed. I only wish
she'd been an Avenger

-instead of writing about Lincoln.
-She could be an Avenger if she tried!

Your ratings have been
in steady decline the past 10 years.

You won't even try to appeal
to a mainstream audience.

The worst part is, you seem proud of it
as if it's beneath you to put forth effort.

It's so English.

I'm sure that attitude scores you
points at dinner parties, but--

I don't go to dinner parties.
Who are you replacing me with?

We haven't decided yet, but we will.

I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.

After all the years,
the decades I put into that show!

-Can you believe it?
-As a matter of fact, I can.

They're a bunch of idiots. This is
the cyclical nature of late-night TV.

There are gonna be highs and slumps.

This particular slump has lasted
over a decade.

-What?
-The show hasn't been good for years.

Wow, I'm glad your candour's still intact.

Sorry.

If you felt this way,
why didn't you say something?

I thought you knew and didn't care.

-No!
-Are you sure?

Walter, I've invested in two things
my entire life, you and this show.

-I won't lose it! I can't!
-Then you fight again.

Something you haven't had to do
for a long, long time.

They want to replace you,

but they can't replace you
if everyone loves you.

Okay, okay, okay.

-Good morning!
-Oh, my God. You are so funny.

Why am I even awake now?
I'm a stand-up.

I didn't even start my set
till 10 last night.

Why did Brad want us here so early?
Makes me kind of nervous.

You're nervous? That's surprising.

Brad's assistant said he saw
Caroline Morton here yesterday.

Caroline Morton? Why would
the head of the network come here?

Hopefully, they don't lay everybody off.
I need this job.

-They fired Gabe.
-Hey, babe.

Gabe should've been fired years ago.

He once went home early
because he had a "bad bagel."

Dickhead, I shared an office
with that guy for 17 years.

Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel.

-Fuck him.
-You said Kimmel wasn't hiring.

There's a lot of reasons
Caroline could be here.

Maybe she wants to sleep with me.

It's a little early in the morning
for you to be this sexually charged.

So let's just...

Sorry to interrupt
your coffee cake and catching up,

but Katherine is in the writers' room.

God.

If I may, I just wanna say, it is such
an honour to meet you, Miss Newbury.

I'm Chris Reynolds.

My name is Eugene Mancuso. And when
my parents got divorced, this show--

I don't know who any of you are.
I don't know who any of them are.

Oh, well...

Tom. I'm Tom. I write the monologue.

I'm the youngest monologue writer
in the show's history.

-Don't care.
-No? Okay.

I won't remember any of this,
so here's what we'll do:

You're One, Two, Three...

Four...

Hi, Katherine.

Oh, Burditt! Thank God!
How's your baby?

She's 27.

Her baby's doing well.
She's just started preschool. She's--

Never mind. I don't wanna know.
I don't know why I asked. You're Five.

Six, Seven. That's what I'll call you
from now on. It's just easier.

Are we allowed to call each other
by our own names?

Just learn the numbers, Reynolds.
I mean, Two.

-Yeah.
-Can One and I switch?

I'm the most senior writer.

I'll take Seven. Lucky Seven.

Can we get into it and see if we can
salvage anything worth taping?

You had that
"trapped in the closet" thing?

Why are you dressed like you work HR
at a funeral home?

Parvati, I don't look like that.
I look professional.

Like I work HR at a law firm.

That's a card game you play
with your children.

Anyway, it's something like that.

-You start.
-Okay.

But it could be funny.
That'd be your job.

-Who are you?
-I'm Molly.

I'm a new writer.

-The new female writer.
-I can see that, Brad.

-What are those?
-These are cupcakes.

They're my way of saying thank you
for this amazing oppor--

You're late.

Late?

I thought I was almost two hours early.

Does it look like you're early?

Brad told her we start at 10.

Get in here.

-Should I--?
-What? Sit down.

Okay. Yeah.

-We left the obvious ones--
-That's where Mendelsohn sits.

He's in the bathroom, so...

-Okay.
-And that's McCary's seat.

Where is McCary?
I told everyone to be here at 8.

He got a call from his girlfriend,
so it'll be a while.

They're newly long-distance,
and I think it's hard for her.

Has it been hard for McCary's girlfriend?
He must be such a catch.

-Could you sit down, please?
-I want to.

-I'm trying.
-Could you try harder?

Yes.

Oh, okay. I'll just use this trash can.

There's hardly any trash in it at all.

-Excuse me.
-Okay.

Thank you.

It's kind of comfortable.
Better than a chair.

-You're Eight.
-What?

-Your name is Eight.
-I'm Molly.

Why would anyone care
what your name is?

None of you understand what's at stake?
I am being replaced as host

because of declining ratings
and lack of quality.

-Wait, what?
-The show is great!

-Let's see them do 300 shows a year.
-Fuck the ratings.

-We get no respect.
-What do they know?

What do you think?

Oh, I think it's horrible.

It's terrible.

It's the worst. I hate it.

Please stop saying synonyms for "bad."
Tell me what you think.

If I'm being completely honest...

and acknowledging how much of a fan
I am of the show and all of your work,

I think there is room
for a little bit of improvement.

Sorry the show doesn't appeal
to the heightened sensibilities

-of you and your friends at the factory.
-It's a plant, not a factory.

Whatever.

Seven's right. It's not smart
to come in on your first day

and criticise a room full of people who
have been doing this for years, but...

I asked your opinion,
and honestly, I do not disagree with you.

I've been hearing a lot of this recently.
Last night, from the person I know most

and today from this person sitting
on a trash can whom I know the least.

But taking both into account,

the show is bad, I don't know why
and I think it's your fault.

I love you too.

Oh, you must be McCary.

-How's your girlfriend?
-Really good.

She got this new job so she's emotional.
She misses me.

She'll be seeing more of you
because you're fired.

Could you see him out?
Now, this is what's gonna happen.

From this moment,
none of you has a life.

You have no wives,
no girlfriends, no kids.

You have only this. You live this show.
You breathe this show.

When you masturbate,
think about this show.

You'll finally earn
those big, fat pay cheques

that pay for your divorces
and gym memberships you never use.

Think about why the show is bad
and come up with ways to fix it.

Eight, sit on a chair tomorrow
for God's sake!

Okay.

So...

Can I take the fired man's seat?

We'll all be out of jobs.
I'll have to move to Long Island City.

-Probably sell all my clothes.
-Don't be so dramatic.

How would you know?
You don't have nice clothes!

It's not surprising. Any of your friends
talk about the show anymore?

No, it's a relic. There's no buzz about it.

It's not a relic, okay? She is an icon.

It'd take them a month
just to remove her Emmys.

Maybe Little Miss Chemical Plant
can help us.

Don't even joke.
Reynolds, give me one of your Xanaxes.

I need all my Xanies now that I'm poor.

Molly Patel!

Molly Patel,

-the quality control specialist.
-Oh, my God.

Hobbies include ruining our lives.

I don't think she's worked a day
in television.

I think she's a pathological liar.

I wish I was a woman of colour
so I could get any job I want

with zero qualifications.

We talked about this. You can't say that.

Hey, man.
You remember Molly from earlier?

Yes! She told everyone
the show was bad.

That's her.
You'll be sharing an office with her.

Brad. Brad. Brad?

This is nice. Who's that?

That's the guy whose desk you're taking.
He was fired last week.

He was my best friend.

So you must be pretty new too.

You don't have any stuff.

Oh, I've been here 27 years.

In case I get fired,
I don't wanna get too comfortable.

You gonna tell me about your day?

It was a bit like trying to mount
a prison production of Hamlet.

But at least prisoners get sunlight
and exercise once a day.

That sounds very promising.

You always worked best
with a captive audience.

Right now it is a hostile environment
to be an educated, white male.

I mean, it's staggering
how unfair it is, okay? Staggering.

Yeah, they completely overlooked
my brother.

She's a diversity hire.

She'll be here 13 weeks.
She's a single mom or something.

Hey.

I'm not a single mom, by the way.

I just look like one.
And I guess I dress like one.

-No, I-- I wasn't talking about you.
-Then who were you talking about?

My cleaning lady.

Your brother lost a job
to your housekeeper?

-Yup.
-Whatever.

Just so you know, I'd rather be
a diversity hire than a nepotism hire.

At least I had to beat out
every minority and woman to get here.

You just had to be born.

One of my grandparents was
an immigrant!

This documentary was insane.

It said, basically,
we're all covered in tiny bugs, and--

No cupcakes today.

So, Molly, what is your deal?

I am from Central Pennsylvania.
I love to laugh--

No. Boring. Like, what do you hate?

What neighbourhood do you live in?
Who are you fucking?

I--

I hate injustice.

I live with my aunt and uncle in Queens.

-And I'm not sleeping with anybody.
-Where'd you go to school?

-Luzerne Community College.
-Loser Community College?

Luzerne.

-It really sounded like you said "loser."
-Why would I say that?

Don't listen to them. I dropped out
of school and worked at the docks.

That's why I write so many jokes
about seagulls.

What is the stage like?
I cannot wait to see it.

We're not allowed on the stage.
Only Brad and Tom.

-I'm head monologue writer.
-You are?

You haven't mentioned it
in 10 minutes. I was worried.

You all write on the show
and you've never been to the stage?

Okay. Okay. This is how it works:

The writers are supposed
to get here at 10.

I usually get here at 9.

Then we go into our offices
and read headlines for joke ideas.

Some are a little more focused
than others.

We submit jokes to Brad,
who makes the selects.

That's what makes it in the show.

-Here you go.
-I usually get some good stuff in there.

Then we meet in the writers' room
to go over Brad's selects.

Oh, kiss my ass!

Then at 6:30, the show starts taping
and we all watch.

And that is how we make a TV show.

So you never interact with her
the entire day?

Until yesterday,
most of us hadn't even met her.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I thought this was the women's room.

No. Wait, wait. You're right.
It is the women's room.

We just haven't had a woman here
in, like, ever. So, yeah, we use it.

Doesn't Katherine mind?

You kidding me?
She doesn't come in here.

She has her own bathroom.
We actually come in here to--

To take a shit.

I don't understand anything
about this job.

You're right about not being allowed
on set. It's fucked up.

-Why don't you say something?
-Like "see something, say something"?

Because it's not airport security, Molly,
it's a TV show.

And she's not the...

classy role model you've been
watching on TV for 20 years.

Hey, you know what?

I'm doing stand-up tomorrow night.
Come see me.

We'll get a drink after.

Okay. Let's get going, everybody.
One, you're up.

I have an idea entitled "Hollywood Zoo."
Animals that look like celebrities.

-No.
-Or celebrities that look like animals?

Can I...? Okay.

"Shrimp My Ride."

"Fancy Pelosi."

"Celebrity Fitted-Sheet
Folding Challenge."

We worked on that together.

You and a celebrity race
to fold a fitted sheet.

You know what? Forget it.

Can I just remind everybody here
that the stakes could not be higher?

-Two! Go!
-Okay.

So the Miss America Pageant
and the Westminster Dog Show

are both the same week, so I thought,
why not combine the two?

We ask the girls to run around
the circle, ask the dogs

their take on immigration.

Oh, the Miss America Pageant.

The scholarship competition
where it's still appropriate

to ask a beautiful teenager
who can't afford college

but who can afford breast implants
about world peace. We're not doing that.

Where's John Phillips?
I wanna hear his pitches.

What?

John died in 2012.

-John's dead? Are you kidding me?
-About the death of our co-worker? No.

Oh, that's terrible.

-He was so funny.
-Yeah.

-Eight, what?
-First, I'm very sorry for your loss.

He sounded like an incredible person.

Second, I'm really honoured
to be presenting my ideas here today.

God, I wish I was John Phillips.

I thought I'd take a step back
and see what wasn't working.

This is what I do
at quality control at the plant

and I thought I'd do that here.

The headline of my analysis
is "Complacency."

I noticed three major areas where
there could be a lot of improvement.

The first is your overall unwillingness
to do high-concept recurring bits,

where you have
to physically leave the studio.

Those can go viral if executed well.

The second is your total lack
of presence in social media.

You seem to have contempt for it,
which feels ill-advised

because most of your audience
is watching on their phones.

The third, I think people get very excited
when you share your beliefs.

What you just said about the Miss
America Pageant, that was awesome.

When you reveal strong opinions,

it's when you really come alive
as a performer.

That's when I come alive
as a performer?

-Yeah.
-Could I see that?

Absolutely.

I just want to say,
I'm no longer attached to this idea.

Thank you so much.

So, what's the solution?

Oh, I don't have one.

Just to be clear,
you don't have any new ideas or jokes?

No.

I've been doing this job nearly 30 years
and I know what works,

and I'll tell you what doesn't.
An absurdly confident newcomer

coming in, criticising my show
and giving me assessments

of my comic persona

without doing the hard work
of presenting me with solutions.

This-- This room is a ship.

I am the captain and you have barely
earned the right to be an oar!

Do I make myself clear, Eight?

I have not changed. The audience has.
They don't want smart comedy.

They want Kevin Hart on a Slip 'N Slide,
so give them what they want.

Who's the most tacky,
famous person out there?

-Reality star?
-A YouTube celebrity.

There was one at the club
I was at last night, and I got trampled.

It was the most glamorous thing
that's ever happened to me.

-We're not considering doing this, right?
-Mimi Mismatch.

-Who?
-She is a YouTube star

who does comic sketches
in the basement of her parents' house.

-Oh, my God.
-She has 25 million Twitter followers.

-Okay.
-My daughters are obsessed with her.

-She--
-Just book her. Book her.

Sorry.

I really gotta go.

-Oh, God!
-Yeah.

-I can--
-Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

God.

Okay.

This has to stop.

I don't know, maybe I should
just move back to Pennsylvania.

Can I give you some advice?

-You need to shut the fuck up.
-Excuse me?

If you hear something
you don't agree with,

you have to resist the urge
to give your opinion.

I will not be marginalised
by the iron fist of white privilege

that pervades this work environment.

I am not trying to silence your strong
female, Indian, woman-of-colour spirit.

Hashtag "Me too, trans is beautiful,
blah, blah, blah."

You're still a new writer
with no experience.

You need to stop giving advice
and write something.

You're a writer, so write.

Okay.

Come on. You get more work done
on top of the desk than under it.

-It's gonna be all right.
-Thank you.

--because of a coyote warning.

Not to worry though, they managed
to get out in the nick of time, beep-beep.

I don't-- I don't understand that.

It's "meep-meep."

-What are they doing?
-Practising the monologue.

-It's the Road Runner thing.
-Oh, the Road Runner.

-The enemy of Wile E. Coyote?
-Yeah. Exactly.

Today, while President Bush underwent
a medical procedure,

Vice President Dick Cheney
was acting president

for 2 hours and 15 minutes,
which is longer than any woman.

That's it. That's the joke.

I think we're good for the monologue
unless I'm missing something.

I have jokes for the monologue.

Well, you don't write the monologue.

-But I wrote some jokes for it.
-I have ideas for Katherine's hair,

-but that's not my job.
-Seven, shut up.

Eight, for God's sake, go.

I shouldn't do this in an English accent,

-should I?
-No.

"Three Republican senators
are proposing a bill

to yet again defund Planned Parenthood.

As always, the men most obsessed
with women's sex lives

are ones getting laid the least.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank
God I'm going through menopause."

Good Lord, Eight!

You're the only talk show host
who can make that joke.

-Plus, you're pro-choice, aren't you?
-I am. What do you think, Seven?

My philosophy is the show's better

without the spectre of abortion in it,
but that's just me.

I think it's audacious.

Do people really want to hear
about menopause? Because I don't.

-I don't know. I kind of liked it.
-No, it is too political. We don't do that.

We haven't done that in a while.

So we'll start with fracking,
work our way up to abortion.

People would talk about it for sure.
And you believe it.

It's a bit long.
Trim it and put it in the monologue.

--to Vegas. Forty tourists were--
Listen, you've written it out with "40."

No, not make it bigger.

-Bigger, why?
-That's got to be a word.

But don't change it now.
There's no point.

Today, in Las Vegas, 40 tourists were...

-Burditt, I'm going to the bathroom.
-You never have to tell me that.

I have spread my dreams
under your feet;

Tread softly
because you tread on my dreams.

Was that William Butler Yeats?

Yeah, it is.

-You're not supposed to be here.
-What?

Mimi Mismatch is here. I got a selfie.

Maybe now my daughters
will talk to me again.

So you're doing
the Planned Parenthood joke?

Be careful of showing who you are.

Once you turn that switch on,
you can never turn it off again.

Katherine Newbury!

Yeah, and I have not seen
anyone so poorly received

since I took a peanut butter sandwich
into an elementary school.

It was announced today,

Starbucks will no longer require
a purchase to use their restrooms.

Oh, no! I'm worried
they might get disgusting.

My joke's next.

So an owl's been dive-bombing tourists
in Times Square.

-She skipped it.
-Very dramatic.

Not the only species angry
about the price of Hamilton tickets.

We're back. I'm excited. I'm here with
YouTube phenomenon, Mimi Mismatch.

The bit that launched you
into superstardom, really,

was you with your dog, Lenny.

Here he is.

And you sniffing his butt,
sniffing Lenny's butt.

And you pretend to faint.

Because it smelled real bad. Yeah.

And how on earth
did you come up with that?

My dog Lenny had colitis,

and, for a while, had a real smelly butt.

So I took my life and I filmed it

because I find that the best comedy
comes from truth.

How wise.

And these little videos of yours

are your, as it were,
contribution to the world?

Your way of pushing mankind forward?

-Well, they're fun.
-What would you say was your calling?

My calling?

What is it
you're most passionate about?

Is it dog-butt videos,
or would you ever expand into...

cat-butt videos, say?

I know what you're doing.

-Excuse me?
-You're mocking me.

You think that because
my videos are light and silly

that I'm somehow
intellectually inferior to you?

The only reason I said yes

to this show is because
my mom said you were smart.

But now I see that you are
just a bitter, out-of-touch, old lady

-who's mean to people she's never met.
-Go, go, go!

The fact of the matter is,

is that you need me,
not the other way around. Bye!

-Is this live?
-I don't know.

-I'm sorry.
-Did you not prep her?

-Who here is good at sex?
-Yeah!

All right, okay.

Now, I think that we're all
about the same.

Because the truth is,
there are like 10 sex acts.

And if you're an average American guy,
you only need to do the first five.

That thought is entering your head.
I'm gonna go to six. I'm--

Especially you. Do not go to six.

Because everybody's
number six is different.

-What was your favourite part?
-You assumed I had one?

Yeah, I was watching you
and you liked it.

I did like it.

I-- I like how relaxed you are.

Like, you're not doing it for them,
you're doing it for you.

I've never been relaxed a day in my life.

I know. You're the hardest worker
I've ever met, besides Tom,

which is probably why
he's so threatened by you.

He shouldn't be. Katherine cut my joke.

It was so embarrassing.
I told my mom to watch.

Oh, God. Oh, no, no. Never tell
your parents to watch the show.

That's like guaranteeing
that they cut your joke.

Also, get ready for this.

Like, you'll spend all day writing
50 jokes and they'll cut all of them,

and you will have achieved as much

as if you just stayed at home
and called in sick.

Okay. So let me get this straight.

Never use the women's restroom, never
tell your parents to watch the show,

don't decorate your office,
and be fine being obsolete.

So just don't enjoy your job.

Exactly, yeah.

Tom tells me you do stand-up.
Are you good?

Oh, no. It's just a way for me
to test out material.

I am emceeing a show soon.
It's a benefit for lung cancer.

That's random.

Not really, my dad died from it.

Oh, fuck. Wait--

Were you close?

-With my father?
-Well...

-Yeah, I was. I was. Now I feel bad.
-Fuck.

-I'm sorry.
-No, I'm sorry.

Do you need a good-looking, moderately
funny stand-up to close out the night?

-Wait, really?
-Do you know any?

That'd be amazing.
Why would you do that for me?

-Because I'm a nice guy.
-Okay, I know you're not.

I know what everyone thinks of me.

But just because I was lucky
to get this job,

doesn't mean I'm stupid enough
to lose it.

So if you think you can sleep with me

because you won't see me
after three months, you're mistaken.

Who said anything
about sleeping together?

Okay.

-Thank you. I had a nice time.
-Thank you?

Wait, whoa, whoa, wait.
Where you going?

Come over.

No, no. Thank you.
I just don't think it's a good idea.

Yeah. No, sure. Yeah, yeah.
We can do this dance.

-Dance?
-You won't sleep with me now,

but you will in three weeks.

I get it, it's a feminist thing.

Are you kidding?
Has this ever worked before?

-Oh, no.
-What?

The Mimi interview went viral
in a bad way.

You are just a bitter,
out-of-touch, old lady

who's mean to people
she's never even met before--

The Mimi thing will blow over.

Am I like your least favourite aunt?

All my aunts are dead.

I need a publicist.

Making you accessible
to the average American?

That's what I do best.

I told Leo, "Want an Oscar?
Fight a bear."

You're not above the public
or looking down at them.

You are one of them.
You're America's sweetheart, baby.

You gotta put in face time
with journalists.

They don't wanna talk to me
and not to Brad, no offence.

No, none taken.

-I've been told I have no charisma.
-Exactly.

So, what if we threw a party
at your house and invited the press?

They could see you in your element.

You are not some cold witch
who hates children.

You're cosy and domestic.

-I don't entertain.
-You're an entertainer.

-I'm bad at small talk.
-You're a talk show host.

-I'm not a people person.
-Oh, honey, that's ridiculous.

If you want to turn this ship around,
you're gonna have to be.

How do you feel about extensions?

Holy shit, honey.

Oh, what am I doing here?

-That's right. What's up, baby? Yes.
-Hey, Daniel.

Daniel, you're funny.

Is that that comedian, Daniel...?

Daniel Tennant.

Billy Kastner's done amazing things
with his career.

"You're welcome, America!"

We'll get you some face time.
You gotta be cool about it.

Steve Martin gave it to her.
Costs more than my apartment.

It's so beautiful.

Is that a tag?

-No.
-Well...

Oh, God. Fuck.

What are you doing after this?

I don't know. But I will keep you posted.

-Hello.
-Oh, God.

-I thought you could use this.
-Oh, I could.

I have never fake-smiled
so much in my life.

Is it obvious?

Very, yeah.

It's the same smile you had

when you lost your first Emmy
to John Oliver.

Thank you for reminding me.
You got a cigarette?

Yeah. I was wondering if I'd get
a chance to talk to you alone--

Stop it, Charlie. It was a mistake,
and it'll never happen again.

That's how I got involved in that charity.

I'm gonna talk to some other people.

-Oh, God!
-Shit.

-Oh, I'm so sorry!
-I just got this blazer.

I need it for Lampoon hazing next week.

-Hayes, you remember Molly?
-Yes!

Hey, I'm so happy you got that job.

It's cool they did that. It's important.

I think it's important they hire
the funniest, most qualified people too.

Damn it.

Can I help you?

Sorry, I thought this was an empty room.

Why were you looking
for an empty room?

Just to be alone for a minute.
Not to steal anything.

Although you have
really nice stuff in here.

I'm not a thief. My name is Molly.

Hello, Molly, who's not a thief.

I know who you are, by the way.

You're Walter Lovell.

It's an honour to meet you.
You were one of the greats.

-"Were"? Jesus Christ.
-Oh, no, no.

No, I mean, you're still amazing.

I mean, aren't you
a professor emeritus at NYU?

"Emeritus" is what they call you
when you're not dead yet,

but they don't want you to come in.

I actually know what that's like.

I write on the show.
Your wife doesn't like me very much.

Why aren't you downstairs
with the rest of the party?

I think people have a better time

when they don't have to pretend
they don't notice me twitching.

It's called neuropathy,

one of the symptoms
of Parkinson's disease.

A piece of advice:

Don't marry a man until he gives you
a complete genetic profile.

Luckily for me, there is literally
no interest from any man.

About Katherine...

be useful.

Make it so that even
if she doesn't like you,

she needs you.

If it's okay with you, I'd like to stay here
a while and listen to you play.

All right.

You said, "The only true meritocracy
is in comedy."

Indeed, yes.
It doesn't matter where you're from,

what you look like, how much money
your parents have, funny is funny.

That's meritocracy.

As long as you're white, male
and from an elite college, right?

Because that's all
your writing staff is comprised of?

I write on the show.

And I definitely didn't go
to a fancy college.

Does Katherine know your name?

I heard she refers to the writers
by number.

I am called Eight.

Because Katherine said she couldn't be
bothered to learn everyone's names,

so she pointed at the writers,
shouted numbers and named me Eight.

Yeah, she also keeps us in cages
and doesn't feed us.

But she does let us go
to the bathroom once a day.

No, of course she knows our names.

My name's Molly.
You have bad information.

-Yes, you do. This is, of course, Molly.
-Hi.

-Everybody, let's make some room.
-Hello, Brad.

-One of the writers, everybody.
-Hi.

-How would you describe Molly?
-Molly.

Molly. Molly is...

She said I was
the vibrant splash of colour

on the grey canvas of our writing staff.

I was touched.

And then she said something
I'll never forget.

She said that despite
our very different backgrounds,

-that I reminded her of a younger her.
-Younger me.

Isn't that wonderful? I mean...

Huge.

Everybody's gonna want to get this.

Let's get a picture of Katherine
and her beautiful Indian prot�g�.

-Molly.
-Molly.

Guys getting this?

Thank you.

That's pretty good.

I think it's going beautifully.

-You haven't killed anybody yet.
-Nope.

But it's still early.

You want to come over?

-Yeah, sure.
-Oh, excuse me. Thank you.

Three weeks. Right on time.

Wait, really?

No, I just set that before I came over.

-Very funny. Very, very funny.
-Come on.

Billy Kastner.

I guess everybody could get
invited to this party.

I'd like to introduce you two
to Danny Tennant.

-Danny, Walter Lovell.
-How you doing, Walter?

And, of course, Katherine Newbury.

Classiest couple in New York City
since Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols.

Danny here, very funny, famous,
and currently,

every female coed in the U.S. wants
to lose their virginity to him.

-Stop. Just half.
-That's gonna keep you busy.

Katherine, I'm sorry,
I have to say, I am a fan.

You were such an inspiration
growing up.

And your comedy is so smart.

I'll be watching your show, and I have
to look up half the words you're saying.

That's so kind.

Did you take a shit
in anyone's shoes yet?

You know, from your stand-up.

When you're at parties, you like
to take a shit in people's shoes.

From the special. You saw the special.

Yeah, well...

Diarrhoea!

Did you enjoy
talking to my writing staff?

Yes. Talented guys.

-They are.
-Charlie Fain, especially.

Danny, what's next for you?

Prank show on MTV, or an arena tour
sponsored by an energy drink?

No, I think I'll take a little bit of time off,

and work on some new material
and kick around some new ideas.

You're at the height of your career and
you're stopping to kick around ideas?

Yeah.

Daniel Tennant?!

You're replacing me
with Daniel fucking Tennant?

We're in negotiations.
Thank you, Margaret.

You cannot do this.
We are working on something.

-You have to give us a chance!
-You had a chance.

That's what 10 years
of ratings decline is.

You can make it easy for yourself.

You can welcome him in, make it seem
like you were part of the decision,

or it can be hard.

The choice is up to you.
Believe me, I take no pleasure in this.

Oh, for God's sake, do me the courtesy
of not lying to my face.

Fine. I take a great deal
of pleasure in this.

Did you ever wonder
if I think you're funny?

No.

Do you think I should,
as president of the network you're on?

I've seen six presidents of this network
come and go while I've been here.

Somalian fucking warlords
have more job stability!

You didn't answer my question.

If you're asking me
if I've ever respected your taste,

then the answer, Caroline, is no.

And if you want to replace me
with a meme,

a T-shirt of a man
who hides his xenophobia

and, by the way, his hatred of women
behind a congenial frat-boy persona

to make yourself seem relevant,
then by all means, you go ahead.

But I will not allow you to destroy
the show that I built.

Know what's funny? Remember how kids
used to have games in their pockets?

We passed on that.

Where are you going?

Oh, Four and I have
that charity comedy event.

-I'm the emcee.
-You're not going.

I'm so sorry, I have to go.

It starts in 30 minutes.
There'd be no one to replace me.

And who's replacing you here?

Look around. These guys are staying.
Four's not going.

It's not worth it.

I'd listen to that. That's good advice.

I have stayed late
every single night this month.

It's for a charity. I'm sorry. I'm very torn.

You shouldn't be torn and you shouldn't
let me know you're torn.

You can't just download
your emotional state on to me

and hope that your honesty
will somehow exonerate you!

-Upload.
-What?

It's upload your emotional state.
So if you take something off the Internet,

that's download.
If you put something on, that's upload.

So if this conversation
were the Internet--

Shut up, Seven.

-What the fuck?
-Yeah.

Eight, if you leave, don't come back.

I made a commitment, I'm sorry.

Okay. Okay.

-So-- Okay, so--
-Yeah, continue.

Hey, hey, hey, give me the line-up.
Thank you.

Okay. Okay, so--
Okay, so here's the pitch:

You are a pirate. It's 1860s.

I mean, it's like both.
She's got the parrot on her shoulder--

Right.

My day sucked.

I was fired from my job.

No, yeah. Really. Like 15 minutes ago.

I was actually fired for coming here
to be with you guys.

And now, looking out in the audience,
I'm not sure I made the right decision.

No, but really I got fired
and I didn't think that was possible.

I mean, look at me, guys.

Look. I am a dark-skinned Indian woman.

Aren't I un-fireable?

I mean, I'm a token for God's sakes.

-Why is this for lung cancer?
-I think the emcee girl's dad died from it.

-Who's the emcee?
-I think she works at Colbert.

She works for me.

--that I should have been fired.

Thank you so much for being here,

and thank you for coming out
for this great cause.

Let's keep it going.
Our next performer is...

Go on.

It's me.

Our next performer--

Okay, this is surprising
for a variety of reasons.

Our next performer is
Katherine Newbury, everyone.

Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Now shut up.

So I joined Twitter.

I didn't want to, my publicist made me.

And I was okay at first.

I was with the twittering
and the tweeting.

But you know where it lost me?

Fave-ing. Fave-ing.

Because "fave"
is short for favourite, right?

But you can only have one favourite.

You can only have one. You can't have
lots of favourites. It's stupid.

Faves. Faves.
They can't all be your favourite.

It's stupid.

Lot of Twitter fans
in the audience tonight, I see.

So that's not working.

Well, shit, guys.

I don't know, I just don't know.

I guess that's why they're taking
my show away from me.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's happening.

They're taking my show away,
and the thing is...

The thing is,

if they take my show away,

I do not know what I am going to do.

I am a woman in my 50s in Hollywood.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

In Hollywood, what am I going to do?

You know what? I've got it.

I could play Sean Penn's grandmother

in the movie where he is married
to Emma Stone.

His childhood sweetheart.

It's so unfair.
Tom Cruise is the same age as me.

We're the same age. He gets
to fight the mummy. I am the mummy.

No, no, no.
I'm too old to play the mummy.

They'd get Anne Hathaway in to play
the mummy and put make-up on her.

I'll have to have a facelift
just to do voice work.

I'll have to have Botox and lip filler

just to play the voice
of a wise, old tree in a Pixar movie.

You know when you're watching
an awards show

and they play people off with music
when they've gone on for too long?

That's what they're doing to my life.
They're just, "Get off! Time to die.

Just fuck off.

Take that old face and just go, go sit.

Go sit in the dark somewhere.

You remind us all of our ex-wives.

Yeah. The older ones."

Thank you. Yeah.

I hope I earned
the privilege of your time.

Thank you, Dee, so very much.

-Get in the car.
-Okay.

She's coming back. She's coming back!
Come on, you guys!

I'll call you back.

-Don't push me. Don't push me.
-She's coming back!

-Hey, look who's back.
-Oh, my God.

-Hey.
-Hey.

This is my fault. You were too scared
to tell me what you think,

and I think I was too scared
to hear the truth.

I am the only woman
in late-night network television,

but I have been doing the same format
and the same jokes,

hell, even the same cadences
as some of these other guys.

So you want more jokes
about female issues?

No, Seven, I'm not asking you
to write me a tight five on menstruation.

I just wanna say only things
I can talk about. Nothing is off-limits.

If you think it's funny,
I don't care how personal it is.

I am a 56-year-old English woman
who has never given birth

or seen a superhero film.

Write to that. You cannot offend me.

If you don't know enough about me,
come and talk to me.

I swear, I will not scream at you.

I want it to be specific
and I want it to be political.

I'm gonna do
the abortion joke tomorrow.

She's writing monologue jokes with you.

Sorry, I'm not a screenwriting course
at the JFK Radisson.

I can't teach a total novice
how to write jokes overnight.

No. I hate to break this to you, Seven,
but you won't be teaching anything.

I want someone who doesn't think
the same way as everyone else.

She's writing monologue jokes with you.

Listen to me, no matter what you hear
online, from your agents, wherever,

believe only this:

This is my show
and I'm not going fucking anywhere.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We've got a great show tonight.

More good news from Washington.

Three Republican senators
have yet again proposed a bill

to defund Planned Parenthood.

As always, the men most obsessed
with women's sex lives

are the ones getting laid the least.

Never thought I'd say this, but thank
God I'm going through menopause.

What exactly is wrong with my bits?

To be honest,

you're a little old and a little white.

Okay.

Those are facts.
What the fuck can I do about that?

So recently,
someone accused me of being,

quote, "A little bit old
and a little bit white."

To which I responded,
"I'm very old and very white.

I never do things halfway."

But what can a person like me
do about that?

If I try and fix it, I can come across as
trying to be some sort of white saviour.

Then I decided I was okay with that,

so let me introduce you
to a new series on Tonight:

"Katherine Newbury, White Saviour."

My name is Katherine Newbury.
Do you watch my show?

-Nah.
-Nah.

Okay. Well, that's demoralising.

Could you tell me
if there's been any instant

where you feel that you've been treated
differently because of the way you look?

Yeah, I feel like I can never hail a cab.

You feel like you can never hail a cab?

Let's see what we can do about that.

Here we go.

I actually didn't need to go anywhere.

That doesn't matter.
This is how white saviours work.

I don't understand
why people wouldn't want

to get to know about great journalists
and writers.

Because that shit is boring.
This is a comedy show.

And now, your host, Katherine Newbury.

Now, you are in a show
about teen vampires

called Van Helsing Prep.

And you play a character
called Lydia Stoker.

I can see they did a lot--
A lot of research for this.

It's silly. Whatever, it's for teens.

-She actually seems very smart.
-I work to ground this character,

-though she's always in a bikini...
-I'd watch that show.

I'll start to watch that show.

Kind of a guilty pleasure?

Well, you know what I think?

There's no such thing
as guilty pleasures, only pleasures.

And I think Van Helsing Prep
is a real pleasure.

-You've seen it?
-Yes.

And your character is reminiscent
of Tess of the d'Urbervilles.

What I mean is that it is--
It's very hard to pull off.

Thank you so much for saying that.

I mean, I haven't seen every episode.

-Can I hug you?
-I-- Sorry?

Hug you?

She wants to hug you.

-Hug her!
-Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Heavens to Betsy.

There, there, there.

-Hey.
-Burditt's outside smoking.

No, I came to talk to you about a bit.

Katherine helps people complain
about a messed-up Meal Kwik order?

I don't know if it's a thing yet,
but do you wanna work on it with me?

-With me?
-Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God.
Of course, please. Come in. Welcome.

-I'll go get a chair.
-Or a trash can or whatever.

Very funny.

One of the best parts
about being a celebrity

is that if you complain
about something on social media,

the company takes care of it
because they're scared of bad publicity.

Nobody cares
if your flight gets cancelled,

but if Chrissy Teigen's does, watch out.

So I've decided to file
your grievances for you.

Millennial, how did you feel
when your burger arrived without fries?

I forgot about it, and then I saw you
on the street, and you asked--

Devastated. Devastated.

We're so happy we avenged you!

-Great. Great.
-Enjoy your fries, everyone.

"Playful viral bits and an overall
more-engaged demeanour,

Tonight with Katherine Newbury is
becoming a must-see once again!"

Yeah!

Tell me how you feel
you were treated differently

because of the way you look.

Something small, not systemic.

There's nothing I can do about
getting you approved for a loan.

Into the cab. Into the cab.

-Thank you so much!
-You're welcome.

No, don't wait up.

Okay, yeah, I love you. It's all good.

I'm proud of you, Katie.

Hello, everyone.
My name is Katherine Newbury.

Now, let me ask, does anyone
in the audience suffer from depression?

Nobody--? Apparently, I'm the only one.

I guess depressed people aren't
the call-and-response type.

Now, schizophrenics,
they are all like, "Here, here, here!"

And that's just one person.

Speaking of depression,
this week, for me,

has been a total series of disasters.

-It's late.
-It's been particularly irritating--

You should be going home.

Were you really depressed?

-Or was it just part of the act?
-I'm sorry?

I watched this stand-up so many times

when I was growing up,
and it always made me feel better.

Like, she's talking about it
and she's being so funny,

so I must not be weird
for feeling this way.

Yes, I was depressed.

I still am.

Come with me.

And here we are.

Oh, my God!

How many Emmys do you have?

And a Golden Globe.

You were knighted?

You're Dame Katherine Newbury?

Knight sounds so much better
than dame, doesn't it?

Knight is Lancelot and romance.

Dame, just the old bag who takes
too long in the grocery checkout line.

Burditt is a baby in this photo.

That was the first year we won
the Emmy. It was good stuff back then.

That must be Tom's dad.
I mean, Seven's Dad.

Must be nice to inherit a job
from your father.

He's not terrible
just because he's privileged.

If his very worst qualities are elitism
and snobbery,

that's not all that bad, is it?

Yeah, well, he thinks I'm a diversity hire.

You are a diversity hire.

What? You think no one ever accused
me of sleeping my way to the top?

The point is, you're here.

And if you want people to see you
as something other than a diversity hire,

you have to make them.

It's not fair, but it never is for women.

I want you to know
that you have changed my life forever.

-No, look-- No.
-And I will--

I don't want you
to take this the wrong way, but...

your earnestness can be
very hard to be around.

God. Why can't I express
my admiration for you?

Successful people hate
their own admirers,

and we're suspicious of people
who compliment us.

-How do you have any friends?
-I don't think I have any.

Yeah, it's getting late.

I have bad news.

For sweeps, they...

want you to introduce Tennant
as your replacement.

We tried.

I was watching Game of Thrones,

and I'm watching it
with my girlfriend, right?

And she's like, "Oh, my God!

This is so unfair!

All the women are nude,
but none of the men are nude."

So I whipped out my nuts.

And she's like, "Oh, my God! Gross!"
And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?"

But the other one got cut, right?

We can cut it and we can put this
in there in its place.

So if we're running long,
we can end on the Supreme Court joke.

And if not,
we got two more cards ready to go.

All right.
So why don't we--? I don't know--

Okay, I just have to say.

No, I need to say
that you don't have to do this.

Stop!

-You need to do this.
-Introducing Tennant is the classy move.

You make it look like it was
your decision. It's the best we can do.

No, it's not.

This is your show.

It's an expression of who you are.

Is handing the show over
to Daniel Tennant who you are?

I have to prepare.

That's not cool.

Hey. Hey!

-Are you out of your fucking mind?
-Okay.

You can't tell her stuff like that.
They made a decision, Molly.

Now it's our job, our actual job,

to find a way for our boss to tell
America that she's stepping down,

and to do it in a way
that makes her look classy and smart,

-and for all of us to save a little face.
-Yes, saving face.

The most important pillar
in the WASP handbook to life.

Okay, there's no pillars in a handbook,
so get your metaphor straight.

You think we wanted to give the show
to a douche like Tennant? No.

But we don't go rogue
and just say anything we feel.

-That's not how things work.
-Know what? Fuck how things work.

If I cared, I wouldn't have this job.

Which would be absolutely fantastic!

Do I remind you of a girlfriend
that dumped you or something?

Oh, yeah, I had a long string
of failed relationships

with semi-talented women
who overdressed for work.

It must be so hard for you.

What?

That we have the same job.

It's not the same job, Molly.

You write jokes for the monologue,
I'm the head writer.

Whatever, Seven!

Walk into a dead end,
that's a great finish.

Nope, go that-- Yup. Yup.
No, you showed me.

Walking into a closet, that's great.

And in five, four, three, two...

Katherine Newbury.

Now, there are some rumours out there
that you might be replacing me.

-What?
-No.

Well, you're a legend, okay?

I would be beyond honoured.

Thank you.

The thing is, I--

I don't want to go.

I get it.
Who would wanna leave here, right?

Your name's on the drum.

Hey! Give it up
for Katherine Newbury, y'all.

Make some noise!

Thank you for the noise.

I find myself
in a genuinely strange position

because I truly do not want to go.

Do you want me to go?

No!

We all wish she could stay, right?

I mean...

You really wish I could stay?

Sure, yeah.

You really mean it?

Yeah. Yes!

Well, you know what Daniel?

I'll stay.

Only because you really,
really want me to. Thank you, Daniel.

Kate, Kate, Kate!

-You're welcome, America.
-That's...

If you agree with me, why don't
you show me some love on Twitter?

We have to take a break.
We'll see you back here shortly.

You did great.

-I got this.
-What was that?

That sucked. We're done.

Did you enjoy that?
Because now you're fucked.

I don't know, Billy. I think it really shook
the dust off this place, don't you?

Now get the fuck off my stage.

She did what?!

Oh, another thing.
I'm part of something called a hashtag

in which over half a million people
participated or liked it

or did whatever they do with it.
I don't know.

What's wrong?

Nothing. You were spectacular.

Walter, I'm not afraid of Billy Kastner.

-And you shouldn't be.
-I'm going to open a champagne.

-Hi.
-Hey.

So to celebrate the best day
of my professional career,

I thought I would surprise you
with vodka and cupcakes.

Cupcakes are for me,
the vodka's for you.

The vodka's for me too,
if I'm being completely honest.

-You should call before you come over.
-Where's the fun in that?

I know, but I can't tonight.

Do you have someone over?

-Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing.
-No, no.

-Oh, this fucking sucks. Oh, God.
-No, no. Molly.

Molly. Molly.

-I think we should get a drink.
-Yeah.

-And then we talk about 73 Questions.
-Yes.

Hey.

-Molly, wanna go somewhere and talk?
-No, thanks.

-Come on.
-You should ask someone else.

Maybe it won't take you
three weeks to fuck them.

Hey!

So that was the other shoe.

What?

The other shoe dropping, with Charlie.

Oh, no, I don't wanna talk to you
about this.

-Can I tell you a story?
-No, thanks.

The summer after freshman year,

Charlie and I saved our money
to go to Pearl Jam in Chicago.

It was gonna be this epic road trip.

The drive out was great.
We got high every day, laughed a lot.

We even got matching compass tattoos
on our thighs.

We get there, I go to get a T-shirt
at the merch stand,

I come back and he's gone.

Gone? What do you mean, gone?

He met a girl. Left with her.
I never saw him again.

You saw him later that night?

-I never saw him again that summer.
-Why are you still friends?

I know that you wouldn't be.

No, you're too principled.
They teach you that at the factory?

-It's a chemical plant.
-All right, look.

When you work with someone
you've known 18 years,

you can either be best friends
or mortal enemies.

You can't be lifelong acquaintances.

Mortal enemies just felt
like a lot more work.

-You still have that tattoo?
-Oh, yeah.

Compass points right to my balls.
It's fucking horrible.

-I don't want to wear it, that's all.
-I get that. Let me explain.

-It's stupid.
-But the bit is the idea

-you're a pirate everybody knows.
-Katherine.

Katherine. Katherine.

-Sorry.
-What?

Okay.

We don't--

We don't have to do the hook.

Hey. I got your McNuggets.
But I'm not gonna lie, I had a few.

Look at this.

-No. It can't be true. It's not possible.
-They hacked his e-mail.

It has to be true.

-He hasn't returned my calls.
-Why Charlie? Why him?

Because he's hot.
Think it should've been you?

No, I don't. And, by the way,
looks and fame aren't everything.

They're definitely everything.

Can we not be glib about this, please?

-I thought she really loved Walter.
-She does love him.

-The line is "in sickness or in health."
-And you know what?

People always make those vows
in health.

So let's cut her some slack.

Let's get back to work.

Katherine Newbury is in the news
for allegedly carrying on an affair

with a younger man,
who happens to be an employee of hers.

Did you see this?
I guess she took the advice

to get more of the younger male
demographic to heart.

This is Walter. Leave a message.

Walter, please call me back.

I need to see you.

Katherine?

Oh, my God.

Open a window, for God's sakes.

It happened three years ago.

Walter had just been diagnosed,

and he was so depressed and angry,
and I got angry with him...

for being angry.

And Charlie was so warm
and funny and persistent and--

And gorgeous. It's hard when there's
someone that gorgeous knocking about.

Just a couple of months,
but I've regretted it every second since.

You know what?
It actually-- It doesn't matter

because I've been working
on the monologue,

and we have an opportunity
to say something here.

I'm not addressing it.

-What?
-We'll go dark for a week,

and then I'll come back on
and I won't mention it.

And then, in a month, I'll be gone.

You'll be gone? Why are you doing that?

Because of my utter humiliation in
the eyes of the American public, maybe?

No. You're being demonised,
Katherine, and it's not fair.

I should be demonised.

I'm Katherine Newbury. I stand
for excellence without compromise.

I fucked up. I don't deserve the show.

I think that you're wrong.

You, with over two months' experience
in television.

I get it. You are ashamed of what you did
and you don't want to face it.

But everybody makes mistakes.
You need to talk about it.

I need to talk about it?

You know what's so fascinating
about your generation is...

your obsession with catharsis.

It's so narcissistic.

We might as well just go ahead
and call it "catharsissism."

Where, for some reason, just because
you confess something publicly,

you automatically get redemption.

I'm not gonna play that trick.
I owe it to him and I owe it to me.

And that's what's called backbone.
That's what's known as grit.

You wanna talk to me about grit?

I don't have any friends.

I don't come from a rich family.

I didn't have a man whisk me away
when I was 20 years old

and tell me that I was beautiful
and a genius.

And guess what,
I'm probably not a genius.

And this show, this is all I have.

So fuck you for giving it up.

You are selfish and you are scared,

and you have deluded yourself
into thinking

that is somehow the moral high ground,
but it's not.

You don't have to worry about that
anymore. You no longer work for me.

You're fired.

You know, it's funny.

You know everything about me,
and I don't even think about you.

Bye-bye.

Look, please don't make fun
of where I live.

I know it sucks.

No, it's cool. It's like you're
in witness protection

and your secret identity is
an elderly Indian woman.

Good amount of glitter. I like the ponies.

So are you super excited
about getting your first period?

-Oh, come on, man!
-Wait, are you--?

Oh, please don't do that, okay? I'm not--

I'm not good with--
I'm not good with that. It's not what I do.

I just got fired after working less than
three months on the job of my dreams.

I have to go back to Pennsylvania
and work in a factory.

-I thought it was a chemical plant.
-It's basically the same thing.

Come on, you're not going back there.

Who will hire me?

I'm such a fucking loser. I make
such a bad first impression on people.

Well, there is some truth to that,
but I mean...

I hate everybody,
and you made me like you, so...

Honestly, you need to stop being
such a pussy.

Hey, that was incredibly offensive.

Maybe, but it's also pretty true.

You can't give up
because Katherine was mean to you.

Come on, suck it up, okay?

Stay in New York.
Get a different apartment.

Not this one. Anything but this one.
Honestly, okay?

And find another show to work on.

You're too good, Molly.

Do you really think that?

You know how hard it is
for me to compliment people,

so don't make me say it again.

Good luck. Yeah?

Oh, you can leave that.

I kind of like it.

I'm on Zillow, and in your price range,

you can't really afford
to live anywhere nice.

Where can I afford to live?

Sogo. It's a neighbourhood
south of Gowanus.

Remember on the news?
They found that corpse there.

God, Parvati! How is that helpful?

So you left after 10 weeks, huh?

I was fired.

I figured. I was trying to be polite.

I wasn't a good personality match
with my boss.

What is she like anyway?

Because she's nice at the Emmys,

but I can also tell on her face
that niceness is hard for her.

She was the least compassionate
person I've ever met.

She could be so casually cruel,

all in the name of excellence
and efficiency.

Sounds like a laid-back place to work.

I thought your jokes were really good.

And yet, every morning I'd wake up
with this yearning to impress her.

Like if I could make her laugh,
that meant

I was reaching my greatest potential.

-So anyways, your jokes--
-And the sound of her laugh,

it would light up the room.

Like a thousand church bells.
It was incredible.

I wanna hire you, but if you ever want
to say something like that again,

it should definitely be to a therapist.

Oh, my God.

I would never say that about you.

-Please don't.
-Oh, my God. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Fans on social media are wondering
whether Katherine Newbury

will announce her retirement
tomorrow night.

This comes after weeks
of mostly tabloid reporting

on her alleged extramarital affair
and her pointed silence on the matter.

This caps off one
of the most interesting seasons

in late-night television in recent years.

Dogs with people names? Come on.

-Hey.
-Hey.

No, it's fine.

-You need help with the speech?
-No.

I'm sure you've all got
something lined up after this.

I just came to say thank you.

Brad.

Tom.

Mancuso. Reynolds.

Burditt. Mendelsohn.

Weber.

Six.

How did John Phillips die?

Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

I remember being so hard on him.

You gave him a job.

I wasn't nice to him.

We're not here because you're nice.

We're here because you're good.

She cried and thanked us.

-What?
-It was crazy.

When she said my name,
I almost got an erection.

I really think you should watch
the show later.

-You worked so hard on this.
-Go to work. I'll talk to you later.

All right, all right. Bye.

-Walter.
-Yeah.

I'd like to see you.

Okay.

Oh, but there's press at the house.
I'll think of somewhere.

When I left my wife and family
for a beautiful, young English girl...

they told me there would be karma.

That I would pay for it.

And then...

years passed and nothing happened.

And I thought, "Well...

I'm the luckiest bastard alive."

I guess I was wrong.

It's hard enough

for me to live with a disease

that's probably going to kill me,

without knowing that the woman I love...

decided one night, instead of staying
at home with her invalid husband,

she'd rather fuck a comedian.

I want to say...

it didn't mean anything.

But it meant everything
because it hurt you.

Yes, it did.

I know that.

The thing is...

you can't just take away
one terrible thing you did

any more than you can take away

the million beautiful things
that we had together.

That's a million-to-one.

If you can live with that ratio

for another few years...

then so can I.

But I'm not here as your husband,
I'm here as a man who has advised you

your entire adult life.

Are you sure you're making
the right decision about the show?

If it's over in one year or 10 years,

what's the difference?

It'll be over.

And what did I leave behind?

No friends or children. No--

You didn't want them.

You wanted excellence.

Which almost no one gets
in their lifetime.

Just be sure you're ready
before you give it up.

I don't know what to say to them.

When the time comes, Katie,

you'll know.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well...

what a boring few weeks it's been.

Although, it's kind of refreshing
for a woman to be the perpetrator

in a Hollywood sex scandal
for once, isn't it?

I am, of course,
referring to the multiple reports

that came out this week...

saying that I had been unfaithful
to my husband

with one of my writers.

Spoiler alert.

It's true.

I've learned an interesting term.

"Slut-shaming."

My supporters have said
that if I were a man,

I wouldn't be subject
to this kind of scrutiny.

Here's what I think. If it were a man
doing this, it'd be reprehensible.

But guess what, it's a woman doing it
and it's still reprehensible.

And none of this would even matter

if I were not so--

So hard on everyone,
with such high standards

that I've defined my career by it.

The fact of the matter is that...

my husband is my family, I...

have no one else in my life, so...

So when this happened,
I felt worse than I have ever felt.

And I am clinically depressed,
so that's saying something.

And I thought,
"I don't deserve these things anymore.

Him or the show."

But it doesn't matter

if I deserve you or not.

I need you.

And I've let you down.

I've taken you for granted for years,

underestimating you and thinking
that you wouldn't notice.

But you did.

And the other thing I've learned
is that this show...

is the source of my energy.

It's the reason I get up in the morning.

It's my life, it's my blood.

Yes. And entertaining you...

has been the joy of my life.

Yeah.

Dear God, I hope I've earned
the privilege of your time.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

You know, I got into this business
because I love television.

And I want to make relevant television.

I know when I say "relevant,"

you think I mean "pandering"
or "lowest common denominator."

-I've dreamed of this day.
-Caroline, please.

-I beg you.
-You've been so abrupt.

But as I watched you,
I realised I want to hear your take.

On the world, on everything.

And so does everyone else.

So the show is yours.

But I'm watching you, Katherine.

Just give a damn.

It's pretty fucking surprising, isn't it?

Hey, is this my Thai food?

Hope you brought extra peanut sauce.
I hate when you forget.

This isn't your Thai food.
This is Miss Newbury's driver.

Miss Newbury would like you
to come down to the car.

You can tell her I don't want
to see her. Thank you.

She said what?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Come on.

Son of a bitch.

Good afternoon, sir.

How nice.

Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, fuck it all.

Oh, God.

Molly, open up, it's me.

No.

I have just driven
to this horrid little corner of Brooklyn

and climbed six flights of stairs
to talk to you. Open the bloody door.

What do you want?
I'm very busy right now.

Why on earth do you live
in Coney Island?

Maybe it's the Ukrainian food scene.

Or perhaps it's
the endless subway commute.

Not all of us can live
in a town house on Gramercy Park.

Point taken. I heard you got
an offer from Seth Meyers.

I don't think you should take it.

Really? Because I was considering it.
Mostly because I don't have a job.

Also, he didn't call me a racial quota

whose existence was completely
inconsequential to him. Here.

You remember that. Shit.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

The thing is,

when you hate yourself,
the only thing that makes you feel better

is to get other people
to feel the same way as you do.

Is this filtered?

I didn't mean what I said.

Thank you for saying that.

And for coming here.

-Do you like the colour of my wall?
-No.

I'm not gonna go back and work for you

because that was
a toxic work environment.

I need you, Molly.

I need your pushiness
and lack of boundaries.

I need the annoying way you light up
every time I walk into the room.

It makes me feel like I'm not a fraud.

But mostly, I need your talent.

You love me.

No, I didn't say that. I-- No.

-Not in those words, but you--
-No, I didn't say it in any of those words.

But you have made an impression
on me. A very big impression.

Please, Molly, come back.

It won't be the show you left,
but I need you to help me change it.

If I do...

no more tantrums.

No more hiring people
who all look the same.

-Okay.
-No humiliating people.

And no withering looks.

-Like that one.
-That's my face.

Can you try smiling?

Okay, forget it, forget it. Okay. Yes.

Oh, yes?

Well, good.

I guess I better go if I want to get
to the bottom of the stairs this century.

Thank you. Great.

God, I hate Brooklyn.

Thank you.

-Hey.
-Hi.

Okay.

Katherine Newbury!