All language subtitles for Sister Mary Explains it all (2001) 1080p

♪ Praise my soul
the King of Heaven

♪ To His feet
thy tribute bring

♪ Ransomed, healed
restored, forgiven

♪ Evermore His praises sing

♪ Alleluia, alleluia

♪ Praise the everlasting King

♪ Praise the everlasting King

♪ Angels, help us to adore Him

♪ Behold Him face to face

♪ Sun and moon

♪ Bow down before Him

♪ Dwellers all in time
and space

♪ Alleluia, alleluia

♪ Praise with us
the God of grace

♪ Praise Him still
the same as ever

♪ Slow to chide

♪ And swift to bless ♪

The pageant of
the birth and death

of our beloved savior,
Jesus Christ,

by Angela DiMarco.

The time, 1 B.C.

The place,
a desert near Bethlehem.

Hello, I'm King Herod.
I want all the babies killed.

Do you have a baby
for me to kill?

No, we don't. We're
on our way to Bethlehem
for our vacation.

I kill babies all day long.

I have terrible nightmares
because I'm so wicked.

I drink too much
and then I get into
terrible car accidents

and then I kill
some more babies.

I can't help it.
I had a bad childhood.

[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

Mary, Herod's gonna kill
all the babies.
We better run.

But, Joseph, what about
my new dining room table
and all my shoes?

Pull yourself together, Mary.
You and your child
are in danger.

You're right, Misty.
We must run away.

Look, Joseph, an inn.

Excuse me,
you don't have
any room, right?

No, I didn't think so.
Oh, you would?

Mary,
this kind innkeeper says
we can sleep in the stable.

In the what?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Mary, we really don't
have any choice.

Yes, we do.
Sister Mary says we have
a choice over everything.

So I choose
to stay in the stable.

Well, here's
the stable, Mary.

Pee-yew! It smells
just like the zoo.

I'm afraid there are
no sheets.

Uh-oh!

JOSEPH: What?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

[JOY TO THE WORLD PLAYING]

He's born.
Jesus is born.

ALL: ♪ Joy to the world
the Savior's come

♪ Let Earth
receive her King

♪ Let every heart
prepare Him room

♪ And Heaven and nature sing

♪ And Heaven and nature sing

♪ And Heaven and Heaven
and nature sing ♪

[ON RADIO]
♪ Let Earth receive her King

♪ Let every heart
prepare Him room

♪ And Heaven and nature sing

♪ And Heaven
and nature sing... ♪

[CHANGES STATIONS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[TURNS DOWN VOLUME]

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God, Gary.
What is that?

It's a bedspread, brocade,
and a little bit of gold.

What, do you think
it's too much?

It's perfect.

Oh, God.
How have you been doing?

Okay. You know,
I'm working on the novel,
I got the shop...

Just give me a sec.

Novel, huh? What kind?

Bestseller.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, you know, the truth is,
I wasn't sure if you
were going to show up.

Are you kidding?
I've been waiting
25 years for this.

Oh, my God!

Look at us.

Slaughter of
the innocents.What?

I said are we really
gonna do this thing?

Oh, yeah.

What's this?

A hammer and nails.
I mean, he was crucified,
right?

Look, if we're
going to do this,
I think we should do it.

Absolutely.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hello. Hello. I don't want
to die doing this, okay?

Sorry.

Angie?
What?

[WHISPERING] Merry Christmas.

Slow down.
Come on.

What time did you
tell them again?

I said 5:15.

What time is it?

Um, it's 5:38.

Did you read this thing?

Yeah. She sent it.

And we're actually
gonna do this?

[HORN HONKING]
Sure, why not?
It will be fun.

Fun? I'm going to be
burned at the stake.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

[SHOUTING IN GLEE]

Oh! Careful.
God, you'll bend
the garments.

How was the trip?

Oh, it was long,
it was really long.Oh, six hours and 10 minutes

to Grand Central.

Well, you're
a bleeding saint.

You,
I'm not so sure about.

Ah! Angela!

Oh, God.

Oh, my God!
How long has it been?

What, about 15 years?
Fifteen years...

Oh, 16, easy.
Oh, my God.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, in that case, you
haven't changed either.

We haven't changed.

What about me?

Well, okay,
let's get in there.

Oh! Careful. Careful.
Careful with the bag.
It's a loaner.

Where from?

Children's Television.
I know this guy.

Hey, kiddo. Mmm.
Long time.
How you doing?

Never been better.

PHILOMENA: Hey, Angela,
I love your rewrite.

I had her for seventh
and eighth grades.

It was tough.
I had a big heart.

I own my own company.
Employ 2,000 people.

You know what scares me?

She calls on me tonight,
and I don't know
the answer.

Oh, she's just fabulous.
And she's so entertaining.

She's always got
something up her sleeve.

Tony, stand up straight.

I'm hungry.

Sister Mary first,
then food.

GARY: [LAUGHING]
No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. So the doctor
looks up... The doctor
looks up and he says,

"We really need to
trust each other."

[ALL LAUGH]

I don't get it.
"Need to trust..."Oh, come on.

No, I don't get it.
I don't get it.
But that's okay.

They don't all
have to be funny, Gary.

Thank you.

So weird going to see her.

Ooh! What do you think
she looks like?

Oh, the same.
They never change.

I've had nightmares
for weeks.

Hey, Gary, remember
when we blew up the toilet

and she made us walk around
with peas in our shoes
like St. Francis?

St. Francis never
blew up a toilet.

What?

MAN: Questions for Sister.
Anyone with a question?

Oh, Arthur, look.
I want to ask a question.

Oh, Mother.

No, I want to.
It will be exciting if
they choose my question.

I'll be right back.

Hey, you look pretty.

[WHISPERING] I'm late!

It hasn't started yet.

No, I'm late.
You know, late, late.

What are you...
What are you saying?

Two weeks.
I'm two weeks late.
I'm never late.

You're late?
Shh!

But that's impossible.
I used...

Well, it broke.
It didn't break!

They break all the time.

Look, you're just
stressed out.

That's right!
You know why?
Because I'm two weeks late!

It's okay.
How? How is it okay?

[SIGHS]

We'll get married.

Married?
We're in high school.
I can't have a kid.

I can't even vote.
No, listen,
come on...

[GASPS]

Ah, there you are.
What are you two
whispering about?

Biology.

Oh, God,
I just remembered.What?

The questions.

Oh, God! Don't remind me
about the questions.

Philomena.
What?

Who made you?

Every boy in the
senior class, actually.Ooh!

Hey! Every boy but one.

Oh! Aloysius, Aloysius,
why did... Aloysius?

What?
Why did God...
Why did God make you?

Uh, sort of a cruel joke.

That's very good.
That's great. What is
the eighth commandment?

Fingers out of
the bodily openings.

[LAUGHING] What?
Is masturbation a sin?

Only if you do it right.

It's the same thing
every year.

I just don't see
why we couldn't miss it.

Because it's a
community event.

Don't you want to be
a part of the community?

Hi.

No.

And it is not the same thing.
Last year, she had that
string quartet, remember?

And the year before,
she had the pictures of her
trip to the Grand Canyon.

[GASPS] You look beautiful.

Well, I'm missing my
entire hockey game, okay.

I just want you
to know that.

Why can't you
once in a rare while
do something that

you don't want to do
that would give me
a little pleasure, huh?

Oh, I could ask you
the same question.

We're in church, Robert,
don't be a pig.

Oh, hello.

We met at bingo
this week. I'm Rose.

I've never been to bingo.

That's nice.
Someone's sitting
in that chair.

Are you alone?

Yes. Yes, I am.

My husband would be here,
but last week, he ran off
with my best friend.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm a little deaf,
so I don't know
what you said,

but I love to see
people smile.

Religion is partially
about joy, you know.

I'll bear that in mind.

Hey, let's run the lines.

Oh.

Pull yourself together, Mary,

you and your child
are in danger.

Definite nomination.

O ye, of little faith.

Save it, Phil. You don't
want to peak too early.

Well, I've always thought
the pivotal role was
the role of the camel.

The front half,
of course.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Let's do the song.

Okay.

ALL: ♪ Gloria ♪

Angie! Angie, look out!

[TIRES SCREECHING]
Goddamn!

GARY: Pump the brake!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHING]

Yes, John, what is it?

Should I collect
the cards now, Sister?

Yes, dear, that would be good.
How is the house?

Filling up nicely.

Oh, very good.

[VOCALIZING]

[BANGING ON VAN DOOR]

ALOYSIUS: There's
smoke in the van!

Yes, I'm working on it.

Just finish your cigarette.
I'll take care of
this, okay?

[BANGING CONTINUES]

I have claustrophobic.

PHILOMENA: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

What is wrong with you?
Are you crazy?

With your insane driving,
you almost killed us all!
You almost...

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Better?

Yeah.

Well, this is fun.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

JOHN: [OVER MIC] Ladies
and gentlemen, will you
take your seats, please.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Please take your seats.
Thank you.

Oh!

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Oh, welcome.

[EXHALES]

First, there is the Earth.

Near the Earth is the sun.

And also nearby, is the moon.

[CHUCKLES]

Outside the universe,
where we go after death,

is Heaven, Hell,
and Purgatory.

Heaven is where we live
in eternal bliss
with our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Hell is where we are eternally
deprived of the presence
of our Lord, Jesus Christ,

and are thus made miserable.

Now, obviously, this is
the greatest agony of Hell,

but there are also
other unspeakable
physical torments

which we shall
nonetheless speak of later.

Purgatory. Hmm.

Now, Purgatory
is that middle area

where we go to suffer
if we have not been perfect
in our lives

and have not received
the sacraments or made
a good act of contrition.

Purgatory,
depending upon your sins,
may last for a very long time

and is fairly unpleasant.

We do not yet know
if there are physical torments
in Purgatory,

but we do know that
there is much
psychological torment

because we are being delayed

from being in the presence
of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

For those
non-Catholics present,

I bow my head
in respect to our savior
when I speak his name.

Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

ALL: Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

Our Lord, Jesus Christ.

You can expect to be
in Purgatory anywhere from

300 years to 700
billion years.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I know that may seem
like forever,

but, eternally speaking,
700 billion years
does come to an end.

All things come to an end.

Except our Lord, Jesus Christ.

There is also Limbo.

Limbo is where
the unbaptized babies
were sent for all eternity

before the ecumenical council
and Pope John the 23rd.

Now, unbaptized babies
are sent straight to Purgatory
where, presumably,

somebody baptizes them
and then they are
sent on to Heaven.

Unbaptized babies who died
before the ecumenical council,

however, remain in Limbo.

Now, I want to be
perfectly clear about
the Immaculate Conception.

Now it is true

that the Blessed Mother
gave birth to Christ
without the prior

unpleasantness of
physical intimacy.

But that is not called
the Immaculate Conception.

That is called
the Virgin Birth.

The Immaculate Conception
means that

the Blessed Mother
was herself conceived
without original sin.

Everybody makes this mistake
and it makes me
lose my patience!

That Mary's conception
was immaculate is
an infallible statement.

Now, I know a lot of
faultfinding, non-Catholics
run around saying

Catholics believe that
the Pope is infallible
whenever he speaks,

but this isn't true!

The Pope is infallible
only on certain occasions.

When he speaks ex cathedra,
which is Latin for what?

"Out of the cathedral."

Now, when the Pope speaks
ex cathedra,

we must accept whatever
he says as dogma
or risk hellfire.

Or, now that things are
so much more liberal,
many, many years in Purgatory.

I would now like
a glass of water.

Thomas!
Water, dear.

Oh, there you are.
Well, thank you, Thomas.

This is Thomas.

Thomas is eight years old

and in the third grade of
Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow
School.

As you know, seven is
the age of reason.

So, now, Thomas can choose
to commit sin

or choose not to commit sin,

and God will
hold him accountable
for whatever he does.

Isn't that so, Thomas?
Yes, Sister.

Thomas, who made you?

God made me.

Why did God make you?

God made me
to show forth his goodness

and to share with us
his happiness.

And what is
the sixth commandment?

The sixth commandment is
"thou shalt not
commit adultery."

And what is forbidden by
the sixth commandment?

The sixth commandment
forbids all indecencies

in thought, word or deed,
whether alone or with others.

That is correct.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Thomas has
a lovely soprano voice,

which the Church
used to preserve
by creating castrati.

Unfortunately, Thomas
will lose his soprano voice
in a few years

and receive facial hairs
and psychological difficulties
in its place.

To me, it is not
a worthwhile exchange.

Oh, Thomas,
sometimes, in the mornings,

when I look out
at those children lining up
in front of the school,

I am overwhelmed
by a sense of sadness
and exhaustion

just thinking of
all the pain and suffering

that they are
going to have to face
in their little lives.

But, can their suffering
compare to that of
Christ on the cross?

Imagine those nails
being driven through
his palms.

Pound! Pound! Pound!
Rip! Rip! Rip!

Think of that crown of thorns
eating into his skull

and the sense of infection
that he must have felt.

Imagine blood from his brain
seeping out through his eyes!

Imagine his vision squinting
through a veil of red liquid!

Imagine those things
and then just dare

to feel sorry for
those children lining up
in front of the school!

He came all the way
down to Earth

just so that he could be
nailed to a cross

and hang there
for three hours.

Who else has loved us
as much as that?

Thomas, who made you, Thomas?

God made me.

What is the ninth commandment?

The ninth commandment
is "thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's wife."

And what is forbidden by
the ninth commandment?

The ninth commandment
forbids all indecencies
in thought, word or deed,

whether alone
or with thy neighbor's wife.

Very good.
Go away now.

"Bring the little children
unto me," our Lord said.

I don't remember
in reference to what.

PHILOMENA: I'm freezing.

ALOYSIUS:
Of course you are.
We're being punished.

GARY: I thought you do
the bad thing first
and then you get punished.

ANGELA: Listen, if you guys
are getting cold feet,

let's just forget it, okay?
Forget the whole thing.

PHILOMENA:
Come on, Angela, relax.
What can she do to us?

We're grownups.
We're adults.

ALOYSIUS: Speak for yourself.

GARY: Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey!

Hey!

[HORN BLARING]

Thank you.

This isn't working.

What time is it?

It's almost 7:30.

Great.

I have an idea.

You have an idea?

Boom.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Here are your questions. Yes.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

"If God is all-powerful,
why does he allow evil
in the world?"

"We have 11 children,
and my husband
was just laid off.

"Would it be all right
to use birth control?"

Absolutely not.
Birth control is wrong.

Because God,
whatever you may think
of the wisdom involved,

created sex for procreation,
not recreation.

[TONY COUGHING VIOLENTLY]

Tony Cardonelli,
don't make me come
down there.

I am not talking
for my health up here,

and I could do without
competition from
the peanut gallery, huh?

All right.
Now, where was I?

Oh, birth control. Of course.
Now, birth control is wrong.

Wrong.
Why is it wrong, hmm?

Birth control is wrong.
Why is it wrong?

Why is birth control wrong?

You.

Yes. Yes, you, Tony.
Stand up.

Why is birth control wrong?

I have no idea.

Sit down.

Birth control is wrong
because everything
in life has a purpose.

We eat to feed our body,
we don't eat so that we can
make ourselves throw up

immediately afterward, do we?

MAN: No.

No! Well,
so should it be with sex.

Either it is done for
its proper purpose,

or it's just so much
throwing up,
morally speaking. Hmm?

Come on, clap.

Thank you.

"Do nuns go to the bathroom?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yes.

"Was Jesus...
Was Jesus effeminate?" Yes!

"I have a brain tumor
and am afraid of dying.
What should I do?"

Now, I thought I had
explained to you

what happens to us
after death.

There is Heaven,
Hell and Purgatory.
So what is the problem?

[ON RADIO]
♪ Silent night, holy night

What the...

♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪

Let me guess,
Bethlehem, right?

[LAUGHING]

So, where are we going?

Oh. You know
Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow?

[LAUGHS] Know her?
I married her, sweetheart.

No, that's the one
down on Mission Street,
right?

That's the one.
Right.

Thanks for the cocoa.

No problem.
So, you guys actors
or what?

Oh, no, no.
We're not actors.

We did this Christmas pageant
25 years ago.

Now we're going back
to do it again
for our old teacher.

Sister Mary Ignatius.
She invited us.

TRUCK DRIVER:
Oh, that's nice.

Must have been some teacher
to make you want to do
something like that.

Hmm. You have no idea.

Finally,
an intelligent question.

Now, as any
seven-year-old knows,

there are two kinds of sin.

Venial sin and mortal sin.

Venial sin
is the less serious kind,

like if you should tell
a small lie to your parents.

If you should die
with venial sin on your soul,

you can eventually
work it out in Purgatory.

Mortal sin, on the other hand,
is the most serious kind
of sin you can do!

Murder.
Sex outside of marriage.

Hijacking a plane.

Masturbation. Oral sex.
[AUDIENCE GASPING]

If you die
with these sins on your soul,
you are going to go to Hell,

and you are going to burn
for all eternity.

Thomas! The list.

We have a partial list
of people who are
going to burn in Hell.

"Christine Keeler.
Roman Polanski.

"Elizabeth Taylor.

"The editors of National Geographic magazine.

"Truman Capote.
Mick Jagger.

"Big John Holmes.
Lenny Bruce.

"Betty Comden
and Adolph Green."

Now, this is just
a partial list.

We are constantly
adding names to it.

Thomas, can you tell us
how we can best avoid
going to Hell?

By not committing
any mortal sins,

by keeping close
to the sacraments,

especially
going to confession...Yes.

...and receiving the communion
and by obeying our parents.

Good boy.

Thomas,
do you love our Lord?

Yes, Sister.

How much?

This much.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

This much.
Isn't that sweet?

Oh, yes, Thomas,
but Christ loves us
an infinite amount.

He died on the cross
to save us from our sins.

Wasn't that nice of him?

Yes, it was.

And shouldn't we
be grateful?We should.

That's right.
How do you spell "cookie"?

C-O-O-K-I-E.

Very good, Thomas.

Now, Mary
has had an argument
with her parents

and she has just
shot and killed them.

[GASPS]

Is this a venial sin
or a mortal sin?

Mortal.

And if she dies
with this mortal sin
on her soul,

will she go
to Heaven or to Hell?Hell.

What is two plus two?

Four.

And one and one and one
and one and one and one
and one and one and one?

Nine.
Hmm.

That is so good, Thomas.
Excuse me.

Mm. Now,

because she doesn't
want to show her parents
her bad report card,

Susan has just
climbed to the top
of a very tall building

and jumped.

Is this a venial sin
or a mortal sin?

Mortal.

And where will she go?

THOMAS: Hell.

That is so good, Thomas.
Thank you very much.

[CHUCKLES]

As a special treat tonight,
Thomas is going to sing for us

the beautiful Christmas hymn,
O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[O COME, O COME, EMMANUEL
PLAYING]

♪ O come, O come, Emmanuel

♪ And ransom captive Israel

♪ That mourns
in lonely exile here

♪ Until the Son of God appear

♪ Rejoice! Rejoice!

♪ Emmanuel ♪

BOY: And so they all went

to the hill called Golgotha
to watch Jesus be crucified.

He is dead now, Mary.
Oh.

Don't despair.
He'll rise again
in three days.

What do you know?
You're just
a dumb animal.

O ye, of little faith.

Mary and Joseph,
your son, Jesus,
has risen from the dead

just like your camel
told you he would.

Sister Mary says
God never closes a door
without opening a window.

He's a good shepherd.

Come. It is time
to ascend into Heaven

to live happily ever after
with God and the angels.

ALL: ♪ Gloria

♪ In excelsis Deo ♪

[COUGHING]

♪ Rejoice, rejoice

♪ Emmanuel

♪ Shall come to thee
O Israel ♪

Thomas, Thomas, come here.
I want you to sit on my lap.

That's a boy.
Oh, Thomas,

would you like to keep
your lovely soprano voice
forever and ever?

Yes, Sister.

Well, we'll just see
what we can do about that,
huh?

Ouch.
WOMAN: Shh.

♪ Cookies in the morning,
cookies in the evening

♪ Cookies at supper time ♪

Oh! Out of the mouths of babes
comes such words of wisdom.

Thomas, I want you to answer
some of those questions

for a while,
all right, my dear?

Yes, Sister.

Good.
[CLEARS THROAT]

"How do we know
if there's a God?"

We know there's a God
'cause the Church tells us so.

Very good.

"If God is all-powerful,
why does he allow evil?"

[SOFTLY] Good.

"What does God look like?"

God looks like an old man,
a young man
and a small white dove.

[CHUCKLES] I'll take
the next one, Thomas.
Thank you.

Sit down, all right?

Thank you, Thomas.
Thank you.

"It used to be a mortal sin
to eat meat on Fridays
and now it isn't.

"Does that mean
that the people
who ate meat on Fridays

"back when it was a sin
are in Hell or what?"

Well, the people
who ate meat on Fridays
back when it was a mortal sin

are indeed in Hell,

unless they
confessed their sin
to a priest before dying.

If they confessed their sin,
they are not in Hell,

unless they
committed other sins
they did not confess.

Now, people
who ate meat on Fridays
back in the '50s

tended to be
the kind of people
who would commit other sins,

so I would bet that
many of them are in Hell

even if they did confess
the eating of meat.

Oh, no, no, please.

"What exactly went on
in Sodom?"

All right,
who asked this question?

"I am an Aries. Is it a sin
to follow your horoscope?"

It is a sin
to follow your horoscope

because only God
knows the future
and he won't tell us.

We also know that
horoscopes are false because,
according to astrology,

Christ was a Capricorn.

Capricorn people are cold,
ambitious and attracted
to Virgo and Scorpio,

and Christ was warm and loving
and not attracted to anyone.

Thomas, get me a cookie,
will you, please?

Oh, thank you, Thomas.
That's so nice.

You know, I am
going to talk about Sodom.

Yes!

Thomas, you may go.

Sodom,
to answer your question,

is where they committed
acts of homosexuality
and bestiality

in the Old Testament.

And God, infuriated by this,
destroyed them all
in one fell swoop.

Modern-day Sodoms include
New York, Amsterdam,
Los Angeles, San Francisco...

Anywhere, basically,
the population is
over 50,000.

Now, the only reason
that God has not destroyed
these modern-day Sodoms

is because
Catholic nuns and priests
live in these cities,

and God does not wish
to destroy them.

He does, however,
give these people
body lice and hepatitis.

You know, sometimes
it's really very hard
to understand

why God allows
so much wickedness
to flourish.

I guess he wants man
to choose goodness freely
of his own free will.

Now, if it were up to me,

I'm afraid I might be tempted
to wipe out whole cities
and civilizations.

[CHUCKLING] But luckily
for New York and Amsterdam,

I'm not God.

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Why is St. Christopher
no longer a saint?

"And did anyone
listen to my prayers to him

"before they decided
he didn't really exist?"

The name Christopher
means "Christ-bearer."

We used to believe
that St. Christopher

would carry the Christ child
across the river
on his shoulders.

And then sometime around,
I don't know,
Pope John the 23rd,

they decided that,
oh, this story
just didn't really happen.

Well, let me
tell you something.

I'm not
at altogether convinced
that when we get to Heaven,

we may not find that
St. Christopher
does indeed exist

and that he dislikes
Pope John the 23rd
immensely.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, thank you.
I know.

But, if he didn't exist,

the prayers you prayed to him
would have been picked up
by St. Jude.

Now, St. Jude
is the patron saint
of hopeless causes.

If you have a
particularly terrible problem

that has little hope
of being solved,

you pray to St. Jude.

Now, if you lose
or misplace something,
you pray to St. Anthony.

Thank you.

"Tell us about..." Oh!
"Tell us about your family."

[GIGGLES] Oh, no.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Well...

Well, I had 26
brothers and sisters.

Five were priests,
seven were nuns,
three were brothers

and the rest
were institutionalized.

My mother
was institutionalized

shortly after
she began to think
my father was Satan.

I remember when we were little
we used to come home and...

And we couldn't
find our mother anywhere,

so we would
pray to St. Anthony
to help us find her.

And then when
we would find her
with her head in the oven,

we would pray to St. Jude
to make her sane again.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

"Are all our prayers
answered?"

Oh...

Yes. Yes, they are.

But what most of us
who ask this question
don't seem to realize

is that sometimes the answer
to our questions is "No."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"Dear God,
please make my mother
not be crazy."

God's answer?
"No."

"Dear God, please make
this cancer go away."

God's answer?
"No."

"Dear God, please take
this toothache away."

God's answer? "All right,
but you're going to be
run over by a car."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But every bad thing
that happens to us,

God has a special reason for.

He is our shepherd.
We are his flock.

And if God is grouchy
or busy with
more important matters,

there is always
his beloved mother Mary
there to intercede for us.

I shall now sing
the Hail Mary in Latin.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[AVE MARIA PLAYING]

[SINGING AVE MARIA]

[SCREAMS]

Oh, my God!

[ALL MURMURING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Hello, Sister.

Oh, my God!

GARY: Are you all right?

Oh, you look so real to me.

It's Gary Sullivan, Sister.
Who?

Gary Sullivan.
Your third grade class
25 years ago.

Third grade?
What year?

1959.

1959. Oh, those were
the happy years.

President Eisenhower,
Pope Pius, and then
the first Catholic president.

[SIGHS]

The camel looks false
to me.

PHILOMENA: Hello, Sister.
I thought so.

It's Philomena, Sister.
Philomena Rostovich.

And Aloysius Benheim.

Wait a minute, now.
I know you, though.

This is
Angela DiMarco, Sister.

Angela DiMarco.
Oh, Angela.

Oh, look at you.
Oh, you look so good.

Just like
the Blessed Mother.

That's the point.

My dear,
but why are you here?

You invited us
to perform the pageant.

The one that I wrote
in third grade.

You wrote me a letter.
25th anniversary.

Yes, this is my handwriting.

Oh, yes, Sister,
you wrote it.

What an exceptional girl
you were.

Oh...
Even at age seven...
Yes, you were.

So spiritual.
Hmm.

She wrote
the most charming pageant.

We performed it
every Christmas
until those folk masses came,

and then all they wanted
was guitars.

But, Angela,
you never answered
my letter.

Well, I wasn't sure
if I was going to be
able to get everyone.

Well, you certainly
have done that,
haven't you?

And what a gift it is.

The original cast
and the original pageant.

I'm sorry, dear,
who is the camel again?

[PHILOMENA EXCLAIMS]

[EXCLAIMS]
It's Philomena Rostovich.

And Aloysius Benheim.

No!
We grew up.

[CHUCKLES]
That's a funny thing.

Shall we, huh?

Yes, let's siege
the pageant.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thomas, dear.
Thomas, come here, dear.
Come, Thomas.

The pageant
of the birth and death

of our beloved savior,
Jesus Christ,

by Angela DiMarco.
Come on!

The time, 1 B.C.
The place, a desert
near Bethlehem.

All my life, I wanted to
grow up to be a virgin,
and now that's what I am.

Joseph, guess what?
I'm pregnant.

Darling,
how is that possible?

We haven't made love
in over twelve cubits.

In fact,
we've never made love.

I know. It's a miracle.

I may be an ignorant
sheep herd, Mary,

but I do know
my reproductive biology.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Now, who is the father?

Okay, remember last year
when I went to Galilee
to visit my cousin Elizabeth?

GARY: Yes.

ANGELA: I had an affair.
GARY: With whom?

ANGELA: The Holy Spirit.

What? You had
a thing with God?

I was by the well
and this dove showed up.

We started talking
and one thing led to another
and...

What are you saying?
That my wife and God...

Mm-hmm.

Wow.
Did he stay over?

No. He has
intimacy problems.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

One day, the news came

that the evil King Herod
planned to kill
all the babies.

Mary! Mary!
You and your unborn child
are in danger. Hurry!

Thank you, Misty.

You're welcome.

So, Mary and Joseph
fled to the land
of Bethlehem in Judea,

far from Babylon
and slightly below
and to the left of Canaan.

It was a long
and arduous journey,

and, verily,
there was much whining
and gnashing of teeth.

[SIGHS] Joseph.
What?

I want some
butter pecan ice cream.

Why don't you pray?
Maybe God
will bring you some.

I think I will,
but sometimes he says no.

At least somebody
around here knows
how to say no.

[GASPS]
Oh, look, Mary, an inn.

Maybe there's room service.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Excuse me, my wife is pregnant
with the Son of God,
who is also the King of Jews,

although we're not actually
Jewish ourselves.

On the other hand,
we were Jewish this morning.

I don't know what happened.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Anyway, I was wondering if,
under the circumstances,
we could just...

[IMITATES DOOR SHUTTING]
Thank you.

Well, they're all booked up
for the long weekend,

but he said
we could sleep in the stable.

The stable. Joe,
you're such a provider,
you know that?

[MAN LAUGHING]

So, the little family
bedded down for the night.

GARY: Mary?

Hmm?

When you and God,
you know,
got together...

What about it?

Was it better than with me?

Well,
we've never done it, Joseph,
so anything would be better.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

So, how was it?

Let me put it this way.

Did you ever hear
the story of
the burning bush?

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

[ALOYSIUS MIMICS BABY CRYING]

Uh-oh!
GARY: What?

[ALL GASP]

Joseph, he's born!
Jesus is born!

Come on, son,
let's go play catch.

Then we'll have
that little talk
about girls.

No, Joseph,
he's not that kind of child.

He was born
without original sin,
like me.

This is called
my Immaculate Conception,

which is not to be confused
with my Virgin Birth.

Everyone always
makes this mistake
and it really pisses me off.

Sometime later,
Mary and Joseph
can't find Jesus.

Oh, dear, where is he?

Oh, proselytizing.
[CHUCKLES]

Jesus, if your father
is all-powerful,

why does he allow
so much pain and suffering
in the world?

Next question.

Yeah, how do we know
the Pope is infallible?

Because he says he is.

And he is correct
because he is infallible,
got it?

Where in the Bible
does Christ talk about
birth control?

In the Sermon on the Mount,
right after he says,
"Blessed are the merciful,"

it says, "The condom
is an abomination."

PHILOMENA: I don't
remember that.It was in Greek, okay?

Hey, what about...
No more questions.

Then came the time
for him to be crucified.

And behold.

Verily and yea,
his mother saideth unto him...

Oh, Jesus,
why must you be crucified?

Well, Mother,
because Adam and Eve,
especially Eve, sinned,

all of mankind is cursed
until I can redeem everybody
by dying on the cross.

Why can't God
just forgive us?

Well, Sister says
when we can't
explain something,

it's a mystery.

Hmm.
It sure is.

Okay, let's go
watch you be crucified.

And so they all went
to a hill called Golgotha.

Ladies and gentlemen,
imagine the agony, the pain.

The nails ripping through
his hands and feet.Oh!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]
The bleeding flesh.

The tiny little bones
in his hands cracking.[GASPS]

What could be
worse than that?Don't listen to this.

Not your petty
little problems,
that's for sure.

Well, he's dead now, Mary.

Oh.

Let's go for
a long walk.

Oh, Joseph,
why did things
turn out this way?

Let's face it, Mary,
he was a strange child.

Maybe if you had been
around more.

He never did have
a good role model.

I was earning a living, okay?

Herding sheep is no picnic.

Joseph, you're a carpenter.

I am? So why
was I herding sheep?

Maybe he was a nut.

I mean, the desert,
the fasting, the visions.

Maybe the entire religion
is based on low blood sugar.

Maybe the Holy Ghost
isn't his father.

Maybe I'm not even a virgin.

Oh, Jesus, Joseph,
I'm going out of my mind.

There. There.
Don't touch me.

But then, three days later,
they went to the tomb
and Jesus was alive!

Hello, everybody.
Happy Easter.

Now, thanks to me,
everyone who has led
a good life

will be allowed into Heaven.

Except for
certain denominations,
of course.

And so, Jesus,
Mary and Joseph
and their camel

ascended into Heaven,
and they all lived happily
ever after.

ALL: ♪ Gloria

I love this song.

How do you know?

♪ In excelsis Deo ♪

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Thank you, children.
That was very interesting.

I think I heard
a little rewriting
in there, Angela.

What happened to Herod?

He's living in Miami.

Oh? Well, I must say
the third grade version
was the good one.

When will authors learn
not to tinker with perfection?

But it's such a good story,
I enjoy it every time.

Well, we really should go.

Oh, go? No, no.
We're having such
a wonderful reunion.

I think we should try
some of the old questions.

Who made you?
God made me.

Very good.
What is the seventh
commandment?

The seventh commandment
is "thou shall not steal."

Very good.
What is contrition?

Being sorry for sin.

No, that is not how we
answer questions around here,
young lady.

Thomas?

Um, contrition is
sincere sorrow
for having offended God,

and hatred for the sins
we have committed

for the firm purpose of
sinning no more.

I am surprised at you, Angela,
for somebody who just
played the Blessed Mother.

Well, it's been so long.

Well, it's a hard question.
I understand that.

Thomas, why don't you
go get our nice guests
some cookies, huh?

So good to see you all.

I hope you're married
and have large families
like we encourage.

Um, I have a little girl
age three.

SISTER MARY: Oh,
isn't that sweet.

I have two boys.
Well, I do like boys.

You?

I'm not married.

You're not married?

But a nice-looking boy
like you...

Well, I'm sure
it won't be long
before some pretty girl

snatches you right up.

[SISTER MARY LAUGHS]

And, Angela.

Um, I don't have any children.
But I've had two abortions.

[ALL GASPING]

Thomas! No cookies.
Take the cookies away.

Go on.

Well, the first was
when I was 17.

I knew I shouldn't be
having sex, but I was.

Good girls wait.

So, I pretended
the whole thing
wasn't happening. But it was.

Then I had to
deal with it, very fast.

Well, I am very sorry
to hear that, my dear,

but only God
has power over
life and death.

Now, he may have had
very special plans
for your little baby.

What is
the fifth commandment?

"Thou shalt not kill."

You are a murderer,
as much as it pains me
to say that.

Have you told your sins
in confession?

I don't go to confession.

Well, we're just going to
have to add your name
to the list of people

who are going to burn
in Hell.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Thomas, the list.

Angela DiMarco.
D-I, capital M-A-R-C-O.

Put it right after
Comden and Green.

All right, let's talk about
something positive, shall we?

Uh, you.
You with the little girl.
Tell us about her, will you?

Um, well,
I have a little girl.

And she's three
and her name is Wendy.

There is no
St. Wendy.

Oh, well,
her middle name is Mary.

Wendy Mary?
Yeah.

Too many "Y"s.
I'd change it.Okay.

What does
your husband do?

Um, well, I don't have
a husband.

Did he die?
No, I don't think so.

I didn't know him
for very long.

Did this person
you lost track of
marry you before he left?

No.

Are you a prostitute?

No, Sister,
I just get lonely.

[LAUGHING]

Sorry.

I fail to see
the humor in sinfulness.

Now, listen to this.
The Mother Superior
of our own church

may get lonely at times,

but does she have
illegitimate children?

There was that nun
who stuffed her dead baby
behind her dresser last year.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]
No one is
addressing you, mister!

It was on the news.

Children! Now
you're making me very sad.

Did you get good grades
in my class, huh?

No, Sister,
you said I was stupid.

You probably were,
because the point is,

loneliness
does not excuse sin.

There are worse sins,
and I believe
Jesus forgives me.

After all, he didn't want them
to stone that woman
that was taken in adultery.

That was merely
a political gesture.

In private,
Jesus stoned many women
taken in adultery.

That's not
in the Bible.

Well, not everything
has to be in the Bible!

There is
oral tradition
in the Church.

One priest tells
another priest something

and it gets passed down
through the years.

PHILOMENA:
But don't you believe
Jesus forgives sin?

Yes, of course
he forgives sin.
But he's tricky, okay?

Now, you have to be
truly sorry and truly resolve
never to commit sin again,

or he will send you to Hell
just like he did to that thief
he was crucified next to.

Well, I think
Jesus forgives me.

Well, I think
you're going to Hell!

How do you like
them apples, huh?[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Now, what about you?

You're living properly,
aren't you? Hmm?

Yes.
Yes.

And you're married, huh?

Yes.

And you don't
use birth control?

[CLEARS THROAT] No.

But you only have
two children.
Why is that, huh?

I don't know. Chance.
Infrequency of contact.

Um, low sperm count.

Hmm.

You go to mass once a week?
Holy Confession
at least once a year?

Holy Communion
once a year, right?

Yes.
Well, that's good.

Anything else?
Come on!

I'm an alcoholic.

Last week I hit my wife,
and I have thoughts
of suicide.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Well, within bounds,
these things are
all venial sins.

Of course,
I don't know how hard
you're hitting your wife,

but with prayer
and God's grace...

My wife is very unhappy.

Yes, but eventually
there is death

and then
everlasting happiness
in Heaven.

Some days
I long for Heaven.

Now, what about you?

You're okay,
aren't you?

I'm fine,
thank you.

And you don't use
birth control?

Definitely not.

Well, good.
What do you mean,
"Definitely not"?

I don't use it.

And you're not married?
Have you not found
the right girl?

In a manner of speaking.

Uh-huh.

You do that thing that
makes Jesus puke, don't you?

Pardon?

Oh, drop the polite boy
manners with me, buster.

When your mother
looks at you, she turns into
a pillar of salt, right?

What?

Sodom and Gomorrah, stupid!
You sleep with men, don't you?

Yes.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
We've got a regular
cross-section here.

You see, this is what happens
when you stray
from mother church.

As a matter of fact,
I got seduced
while I was at the seminary.

No!
Father Carl
and Brother Adolphis...

No, we don't want
to hear any more
of this!

He wants to
tell it, Sister.No, he doesn't.

Maybe we would all
like to hear it.No, I don't think so.

Wouldn't we?
Come on, folks.

Gary, tell us.
Tell us your story.

Yes.

Well.

I'd been denying it
for a long time.

When I left the seminary,
I was very upset,

and I went to New York
and I slept with, like,
I don't know,

500 different people.
[AUDIENCE GASPING]

Jesus is
going to throw up.

Then I decided I was
just trashing my life,

so I only had sex
with guys that I had an
emotional relationship with.

Well, that must have
cut it down to around 300.

So now, I'm with
this one guy, Jeff.

He's Catholic, too, actually.
And we're faithful
to each other.

And it's, you know,
it's really working out.

Some of them should be
left on the side of the hill
to die.

This is one.

He's a practicing Catholic,
so now I am again, too.

Well, I would practice
a little bit harder
if I were you.

So, I don't think
I'm so bad.

[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

You all make me
want to go...
[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

Didn't any of you
listen to me when
I was teaching you, huh?

Were you too stupid
to pay attention?

There is the universe
created by God!

Eve ate the apple.
Man got original sin.

Jesus said to St. Peter,
"Upon this rock."

By "rock," he meant Peter.
"Upon this rock,
I will build my church,"

by which he meant
that Peter would be
the first pope,

and that he
and the subsequent popes

would be infallible
on matters of
doctrine and morals.

So, your way
is very clear!

You have
this infallible church
which tells you

what is right
and what is wrong.

You follow its teachings
and you get to Heaven.

Didn't any of you
hear me?

What, do you have,
cotton in your ears?

Did you think that
I was speaking in
a foreign language or what?

Now, you.
You're just depressed.

You probably need
vitamins.[TITTERS]

But the rest of you,
why this obsession with sex?

The Church has been very clear
in setting up guidelines.

Why can't you marry
a nice Catholic man

and have as many babies
as chance and the good Lord
allows, huh?

Simple,
easy to follow directions.

And as for you,
you can just force yourself

to marry and procreate
with a nice Catholic woman.

Try it. It is
not so hard.

Or, you can be celibate
for the rest of your life.

These are your options!

There are no others.

They are the direct path
to Heaven

and salvation
and everlasting happiness.

Why aren't you following them?
Are you all insane?

No, Sister, you're insane.

You know, you are my least
favorite person here today.

The little effeminate one
over here makes me
want to go...

[EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST]

But I can see that
he was once nice

and he could get better
with shock treatment
and aversion therapy.

But shock treatment
won't help you, will it?

You're fresh as paint
and you're nasty.
I can see it in your face.

You shouldn't be
teaching small children.

You should be locked up
in a convent where
you can't hurt anybody.

Me hurt anybody? You're
the one running around
killing little babies.

Just because the sperm
touches the ovum

doesn't mean that it's a baby.
Don't you dare
talk filth to me!

I will not hear it!

Why did you
come here tonight?

You invited us.

Well, not for this.
Not to humiliate me
in front of all my friends.

Why would you
want to do that? You!

We never liked you.

Well, that is ridiculous.
My students love me.
I am the favorite.

[SCOFFS] You're a bully.

Well, you are
a poor, deluded man.

How many of you
were in my class? Hmm?
Come on, raise your hands.

Now, was I the favorite?
See? Hands down.

You never let me
go to the bathroom.

All you had to do
was raise your hand.

I did. And you
never acknowledged me.

And I usually
ended up...

Oh, what? Did you
wet your little pants?

[SCOFFS] Big deal.
My goodness.

I talked to them
about original sin
and Heaven and Hell,

and they complain to me
about bathroom privileges.

You are
a ridiculous crybaby,
you know that?

You were then
and you are now.No, I'm not. Stop poking me.

Crybaby! Are you
a little crybaby, huh?No!

You used to
hit me, too.

Well, you probably
said something stupid.

You used to take
the point of your pencil

and you would
poke it up and down
on my head

when I didn't do
my homework.Serves you right.

And sometimes
you'd take my head

and you would slam it
against the blackboard.

Did I ever break a bone?

No.

See?

What about you?
Huh? What'd I do?

Did I physically
abuse you as well?
Huh? Did I?

No, no, no.
But I found you
pretty scary.

Well, I am scary.

But you.

All I did
was praise you.

You were such a sweet,
angelic little girl.

What was my crime?
Why would you ever
want to do this?

Because I believed you.
I believed how you said
the world worked

and that God loved us

and the story of
the good shepherd
and the lost sheep...

And I don't think
you should lie to people.

But I did not lie.
That is how things are.

No, this is
how things are.

When I was 18, my mother
got cancer and I prayed to God
to ease her suffering.

She was in terrible pain
for over a year,

and she couldn't speak
and she couldn't cry.

And then she went into a coma
and died.

Now, I know that there are
far worse deaths.

Certainly, Christ
on the cross, right?

But I kept wondering
why I was praying
and it didn't work!

Because...
No, I know.
Sometimes he says no!

But why would he
say no to ending
my mother's suffering?

I wasn't even asking
that she live.

And he wasn't
letting her suffer
because she'd been bad.

Because she wasn't bad.

So, why?

I wasn't even asking
that she live.

Just that
he end her suffering.

So, why did he
let this happen?
Is it cruelty?

Was the Lord God
actually malicious?

Or, maybe,

there was no God.
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]

And my mother suffering
was just random,

like, I don't know,
the weather
or something.

Then the day after
my mother died,
I was raped.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

I know that's...
That's really too much

because it sounds like
I'm just making it up
or something.

One loses all sympathy
for me.

Um, but sometimes
bad things happen
all at once.

And on this day,
after my mother died,
I was at the grocery store,

and there was this guy on line
I kind of knew from
the neighborhood.

And I was in a bit of a fog
thinking about all this,

and he offered to help me
carry my stuff home.

And I made him
a cup of tea.

And he took
a kitchen knife
and he raped me.

[WOMAN GASPING]

That was
my second abortion.

[AUDIENCE GASPING]

Well.

I think
she's making it up.

You're a dangerous fool.

My dear, you have
obviously not read
The Book of Job.

Yes, I have
and it's a nasty story.

God likes to test us
so when we choose to love him,

no matter what he does to us,
it proves how great indeed
our love for him is.

That always sounded like
the Story of O.

Well, there's no
talking to you, is there?

You don't want help
or knowledge
or enlightenment,

so there is nothing left
for you, but an unhappy life,

sickness, death and Hell.

[ALL GASPING]

Angela, what the hell
are you doing?

It's okay,
I've got a permit.

She really puts on
a good show, doesn't she?

You know, because after
my mother died and the rape,

I thought I should
protect myself.[EXCLAIMING]

And the more
I thought about it,
the more I hated you

for filling my head
full of all that static.

For making me expect
that the world
would be ordered,

for there to be purpose
and for there to be reason.

But you know what?
There isn't.Angela, Angela...

It's all random.
And I'm the proof.

Now, I want you, Sister,
to apologize.
I want you to tell

[ALL EXCLAIMING]
all these witless people...

Now, just...

...that you're a fraud.
That there's nobody out there.

That no one hears
our prayers.

Yes, dear...
No one.

Dear! Dear! Angela,
now you stay calm.

Of course,
you're right.

Now, life is a trial
and I know
you have suffered,

but can your suffering
compare to that of
Christ on the cross?

Maybe we should
all just wait outside.

Just stay where you are!
Now, listen to me, my dear.

I know that things seem
inexplicable and random.

But they're not.
If they were, wouldn't
that be too terrible?

Just us,
alone in the universe.

And I know how your
dear sweet mother suffered,

and how much
you love her,

and how nothing will
ever bring her back.

But... Look out!

GARY: What? What?

[ALL SHOUTING]

GARY: I got the gun.
Okay. I got it.

She's got it!
She's got the gun!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]
Get back!

He does answer prayers,
for you are wrong!

Now, sit down, everybody.
Stay seated.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Just sit down.

Now, I have not
dismissed you yet.

There. Well. Now.

[PANTING]
Oh, you're here
for a lecture,

and, of course,
we are going to
continue that lecture

until it is completed.

No! No! No!

[SCREAMS]

[ALL GASPING]

[SCATTERED CLAPPING]

[WHIMPERING]

[PHILOMENA SCREAMING]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Shut up!

It was her or me,
and God made his choice.

Somebody call
an ambulance!

Everybody sit down.
Please, remain seated.

Everything
is absolutely under control.

Everybody.
You, miss.

You, over there!
[ALL GASP]

Sit down. And you,
Adam Fitzgerald. Back!

You heard me.

It's fake, you know.
Please be quiet.

It's a rubber gun.

I only like to ask once.

Oh, my God.

What is it now?

She's dead.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Yes, well,
it is a gun.

Now, for those
non-Catholics present,

killing someone is allowable
in self-defense.

You don't even have to
tell it in confession.

I'm sorry, dear.
Thomas!

Thomas, dear,
could you get me
some water, please?

[SIGHS]

Oh, look,
there are four more.

[LAUGHS]

Just in case
anybody gets rowdy, huh?[ALL EXCLAIMING]

All right, let's go.
This is too weird for me.

Please remain seated.

No, thank you. We have
some shopping to do.

No thanks?

[ALL SCREAMING]

That's...
That's a real gun.

CYNTHIA: Oh, my God.

What is it, huh?
Who said that?

John? John, bring up
the lights, will you, dear?

Yes, dear?

It's Cynthia Johnson, Sister.

Yes, dear,
what is it?

I have to go.
Not now.

I really have to.
Stop it!

Cynthia, you are
obviously not
a very bright girl.

We are in the middle of
a lecture,

and we are going to stay
until that lecture
is completed,

is that understood?

But I just got
my period.

Yes!

[GASPS]
Well, it is
a bodily function.

In my time, we didn't feel
the necessity to announce it
to the world.

Let her go, Sister,
she's bleeding.

Tony!
Sit.

Why did God
create menstruation?

I don't know, Sister.

Neither do I.

All right,
does anybody else
want to leave?

All right then, go!
Just go, all of you.

There's obviously
no interest in theology
anymore, or religion.

Or wisdom.
So surely the world
will end tomorrow.

You run away.
Well, fine. Just go.
Go! Go! Go!

Run away! Go on!
That's right.

Just go!
You disgust me,
all of you.

No, not you three.
Ahh!

You have
not been dismissed

You are being held
after class!

[CLOCK CHIMING]

[PRAYING]

Sister, I have to
go to the bathroom.

Raise your hand
if you have to go
to the bathroom, Aloysius,

and wait until I have
acknowledged you.

Thomas!

Now, most of my students
turned out beautifully.

These are
the few exceptions.

But we never give up
on those

who've turned out poorly,
do we, Thomas?

Well, thank you, dear.
Thank you.

Thomas, can you tell us
the story of the good shepherd
and the lost sheep?

Sister, I think
I need to go home now.

In a bit, Thomas.

Sister, I don't feel
so good.I said in a bit!

Now, Thomas,
the good shepherd
was so concerned

about his lost sheep
that... Yes?

He left his flock
to go find the lost sheep
and he found it.

That is correct.
And while he was away,
a big bad wolf came

and killed
his entire flock!

Just kidding.

[CHUCKLES] I'm just feeling
a little lightheaded
from all the excitement.

Thomas, here.
Thank you, dear.

Go on, you may
go sit in my chair.
That's right.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes! The catechisms!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]

[WHOOPING]

Who made you?
God made me.

Oh! Correct.
What is the seventh
commandment?

Oh, honey,
I can't really
hear you, dear.

[SCREAMS]
[GUNSHOT]

Thou shall not steal.

Very good!

The ninth? Huh?

Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's wife.

Oh, that is so excellent.

But then that's not
a big problem for you,
is it, huh?

No, Sister.

Oh, you can go, okay?
This is no place
for the likes of you.

ALOYSIUS:
[WHISPERING] Gary.

That's all right, Sister,
I'll stick around.

Sister, I have
my hand up.

Keep it up!
[SHUDDERS]

Why don't you let him
go to the bathroom?

Oh, Gary Sullivan!

Yes, Sister?

Don't you think that
that thing that you do
with your friend...

Jeff?

Don't you think that
it's wrong?

No. No, not really.

[GROANING]
But I do go
to confession

because Jeff is
kind of into
the whole ritual and all.

Yes. You mean you
tell it in confession,
that thing that you do?

Yes.

When was
your last confession?

This morning, actually,
since I was going to be
playing St. Joseph.

And have you sinned
since then?

No. No, Sister.
Jeff is out of town,
you know.

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH SOBBING]

Forgive me, my God,
for I have truly
offended you.

You see?
Now, if he made
a good confession,

I have sent him straight
to Heaven and eternal
blissful happiness.

Otherwise, he would have
ended up in Hell.

But I think Christ
will allow me
this little dispensation

from the letter
of the law.

But I will go
to confession later today
just to make sure.

Now, you!
With the little girl,

go, before I decide
your little girl

would be better off
in an orphanage, huh?

Thank you, Sister.
I promise I'll go
straight home

and I'll get married
right away.

I know this nice Catholic boy
who works at the post office.

He kind of likes me.
I think he's
a lapsed Catholic,

but I'll tell him
that we have to get married
and go to church constantly.

Well, not constantly!
Everything in moderation.

Just go and sin no more!

I'm going to
leave now.

SISTER MARY:
Hands up!

Oh! Oh!

Look at that.
He did it again.

Oh. Thomas,
come here, dear. Come on.

Come on, Thomas,
everything is
back to normal.

Come here, dear.
Now, Thomas, come here.
Come here.

Who made you, dear? Hmm?

Sister, I think
I need to go home now.

Now, Thomas,
now we both know that
your mother will not be here

for another 20 minutes,
so you are stuck with me.

Now, Thomas,
who made you?

Come on.

God made me.

Yes.

Thomas, I am so tired.

Oh, my God, my poor,
sweet Angela.

I've killed her.
And you know what?

I don't think
I've sent her to Heaven.
I think she's in Hell.

Come here, Thomas.
Come here.

Take this.
If that man moves, shoot him.

Thomas, Thomas,

tell us about the angels.

What are angels, Thomas?

Angels are spirits
without bodies...Yes.

...created by God.

Oh, Thomas,
that is so lovely.

And how do the angels
help us?

By praying
for us...Yes.

...by acting as
messengers from God,

and by serving us
as our guardian angels.

And tell us about
the Last Judgment.

[MOUTHING]
THOMAS: On the last day,

Jesus Christ
will send judgment...

Yes.
...on all the souls
who have ever lived.

On the last day.

And he will send
the bad souls to Hell.

Yes, to Hell.
But where will he send
the good souls, Thomas?

To Heaven.
[WHISPERING] Come on.

SISTER MARY:
To Heaven.

Glory be to God.
Thomas, sing.

Sing a hymn
to the glory of God.

♪ Lord of all hopefulness

[HUMMING]

♪ Lord of all joy

♪ Whose trust ever childlike

♪ No cares could destroy

♪ Be there at our waking

♪ And give us, we pray

♪ Your bliss
in our hearts, Lord

♪ At the break of the day ♪

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]