All language subtitles for S01 Episode 6

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:04,400 Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:07,400 Discovered by Sir Henry Britain in 16-010. 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,300 Sold to Germany a year later for a pfennig and the promise of a kiss. 4 00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:17,200 Destroyed in 1830-42 and rebuilt a week later by a man. 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,700 This we know. Hello. 6 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:24,900 But what of the people of Britain? Who they? What do? And why? 7 00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:34,800 Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having a meeting with the Chancellor. 8 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:39,000 When I say ''the Prime Minister'', I don't mean the real Prime Minister. 9 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,600 I just mean that guy out of ''Buffy''. 10 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,000 So, in principle, the budget is approved, is it? 11 00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:55,000 Yes, though you might like to have a look at the focus-group report that's come through. 12 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:58,800 Do you have that, Sebastian? 13 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:05,600 Oh! That should make for interesting reading, Prime Minister (!) 14 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,900 - Is that all? - Yes. 15 00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:15,300 Though I must say, Robert, I do feel rather undermined 16 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:19,300 that you consistently distance yourself from me in public. 17 00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:24,000 If you're gonna stand against me for the leadership, come out and say so. 18 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,500 Yeah! 19 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:33,400 Prime Minister, if and when I have ambitions for the leadership, you'll be the first to know. 20 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,000 - Yeah, right (!) - Thank you, Sebastian. 21 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,700 - Yeah, but, you know, he's so two-faced. - Yes, thank you. 22 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:46,800 I heard you had a private meeting with the Home Secretary this morning. 23 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:50,500 - The question of leadership never arose. - Oh, you lying cow! 24 00:01:51,700 --> 00:01:54,700 - Sebastian! - I don't know what you're getting het up about. 25 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,400 - The public won't vote for him. - Why not? 26 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,500 Well, look at you! You're overweight, you're losing your hair. 27 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:05,800 The Prime Minister is gorgeous. Well, I wouldn't know, but he is. 28 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,900 Maybe if I was to stand, it would be about policies, not presentation. 29 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,300 - So you ARE standing? - I didn't say that. 30 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,400 Just try it, just try it! 31 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,800 If you must know, I AM going to stand. I shall announce it in the House tomorrow. 32 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:24,500 Sebastian, would you like to show the ex-Chancellor out now? 33 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,000 Get out! 34 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:50,300 That showed her! Right, we're gonna book you a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, the works! 35 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,400 Here we are at the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent. 36 00:02:56,400 --> 00:03:00,300 I had an agent once before I made the mistake of strangling her. 37 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:10,300 Well, I'm sorry, but Richard O'Sullivan doesn't get out of bed for less than �50. Good day! 38 00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:13,300 Ah, Dennis! Do come in, dear heart. 39 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:17,600 Lovely to see you. Take a seat. I've got some wonderful news. 40 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,500 - I got you an ice cream. - Oh, thank you. 41 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,000 Oh, yours looks bigger than mine. 42 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,200 No, it's the same size. 43 00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:31,600 Anyway, I've had a fax this morning from Euston Films. 44 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,800 Now, where is it? Can you hold this a moment, please? 45 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:43,200 - Here we are. - I don't think I can hold it for much longer. 46 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,400 Just pop it down. 47 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:51,000 ''Sonia Chance, the new head of ITV, has requested a new series of 'Minder' for the spring. 48 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,900 ''Would Dennis be interested?'' 49 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,300 I don't want any more. 50 00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:58,600 Oh, well, just give it here. 51 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:07,800 I've done a ring round. George Cole's on board and they're talking to Dave the Barman's people. 52 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:14,300 Oh, that's nice. They want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 53 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:16,900 Well, yes, I imagine they do. 54 00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:21,000 They're very keen. Sonia Chance has been ringing me all morning. 55 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,000 - (PHONE RINGS) - That'll probably be her now. 56 00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:26,300 Hello...? Sonia! 57 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,200 - Yes, he's right here. - Let me speak to her. 58 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:32,500 Passing you over. 59 00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,800 Hello, Sonia? 60 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,300 Oh, so you want me to reprise my role as Terry McCann? 61 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,600 Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 62 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,300 No, thanks. I've moved on. 63 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:59,000 Those are buses, but, anyway, at his surgery in Darkley Noone, 64 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,000 Dr Alburn is examining one of his patients. 65 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,900 OK, Vicky, you can put the clothes back on. 66 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:11,000 Now, after having had a good look at you, it's pretty obvious to me what the diagnosis is. 67 00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:14,400 I've got the lurgy. Yeah. 68 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,800 I knew 'cause we was all down the arcade 69 00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:24,300 and Kelly flobbed on Destiny and a bit landed in my hair 'cause Kelly hates Destiny. 70 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:26,600 Destiny told Warren that Kelly pads her bra. 71 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:31,200 Nathan put his hand down there and pulled out a bag of Jelly Tots. 72 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,000 Uh... 73 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:37,000 No, Vicky, I have to tell you, you are in fact eight months pregnant. 74 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,000 No, you can only get pregnant by sitting in someone else's bath water. 75 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:46,100 If anyone's pregnant, it's Jo Rowley 'cause she had her hand down Ashley's trackie bottoms. 76 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:52,500 Well, you are pregnant, so you must have had sexual intercourse eight months ago. 77 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:57,600 No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but... 78 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:02,200 No, because apart from that one time eight months ago, I'm a complete virgin. 79 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,000 - So you have had sex at least once? - Yeah, as a joke! 80 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,400 God, this is like being back at school! You know Trish? 81 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,100 - Trish who? - Trish. Trish Trish. 82 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,700 - Trish. Rochelle and Trish? - No. 83 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:18,200 She ain't got nothin' to do with it. She weren't even there! 84 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:23,400 She dared Melody she wouldn't nick a Hubba Bubba off Darren, but Darren ain't got no pubes. 85 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:30,600 Vicky, I would strongly advise you for the sake of your baby to give up smoking and drinking. 86 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:35,900 I so can't believe you just said that! I smoked like once for two years when I was like nine. 87 00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:40,600 I only drink to numb the pain of my worthless life, so you're well out of order! 88 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,200 Right, what I'm going to do 89 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:47,600 is I am going to refer you to our Young Mothers' Unit at the City Hospital. 90 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:52,600 You'll have to pop down there this afternoon. Is there someone who can accompany you? 91 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,200 I'm not asking Shelley 'cause she's a slag! 92 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,400 OK, someone else. Perhaps your mother? 93 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,700 That IS my mother. 94 00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:07,800 In Hamham, ex-0lympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to give an after-dinner speech. 95 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,400 - ..completely covered in... - Save it for the speech, Denver. 96 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:16,300 - You don't want to go through it first? - No, I trust you. I'll just introduce you. 97 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,100 A little bit of hush, ladies and gentlemen. 98 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,900 That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow! 99 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,100 (LAUGHTER) 100 00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:31,300 OK, it is time to introduce you to our special guest speaker of the evening. 101 00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:34,900 You may have seen him on ''They Think It's All Over''. 102 00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:39,500 Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist, Denver Mills! 103 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,600 (APPLAUSE) 104 00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:45,400 Evening, all! 105 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:51,400 It's great to be here. You know, when I was a lad, I always dreamed of going into the force. 106 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:57,700 But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer. 107 00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:03,700 First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys. 108 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:07,600 The difference is I beat some of mine. 109 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,400 I mean caught up with them, not beat them like you do! 110 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,600 I'll just go. 111 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,600 Excuse me. 112 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,600 Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, 113 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,200 newsagents in Britain have flourished. 114 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:44,300 Right, now, you know it's Declan's birthday coming up. 115 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,600 - Who? - Declan, your brother. 116 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,000 - Yeah, I know. - It's his birthday. You've got to get him a card. 117 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,000 - Can you see any you like? - I want that one. 118 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:56,700 - That one? - Yeah. 119 00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:59,700 - That says ''With deepest sympathy''. - Yeah, I know. 120 00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:02,800 That's what you send someone when somebody's died. 121 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,200 I want that one. 122 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:09,600 I'm not sure Declan's gonna like that. It's gonna send out the wrong message. 123 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,600 Declan likes sailing boats. Why don't we get one with sailing boats? 124 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,700 I want that one! 125 00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:18,700 This one's got a sailing boat. He likes sailing boats. 126 00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:20,800 That one! 127 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:25,400 Are you sure this is the card you want to send Declan for his birthday? 128 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,500 Yeah, yeah, yeah! 129 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,700 It's his birthday, he's not dead! 130 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:45,600 Meanwhile, ''FatFighters'' course leader Marjorie Dawes has popped into her local supermarket 131 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:50,200 to pick up a few sundries...and ''mondries'' and ''tuesdries'' and ''wednesdries''. 132 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,200 Oh, hello! 133 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,200 - Sorry, do I know you? - I come to ''FatFighters''. 134 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,700 Oh, yes, Paul, isn't it? 135 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:03,400 Sorry, so many people come to class that I can't possibly remember everybody. 136 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,900 - Is this yours? - Eh? 137 00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:09,600 No, no. This is my trolley over here. 138 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,600 Oh, hello! What's his name? 139 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,200 Baby. 140 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,900 Oh! 141 00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:21,900 - This is gonna have a lot of calories! - Yeah, it's for the baby. 142 00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:24,900 Anyway, what's all this? Eh? Oh, dear! 143 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:29,400 - We've found your Achilles foot, haven't we? - It's just a Tracker bar. 144 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:34,200 - ''Just a Tracker bar!'' Why do I bother? - Well, I'll put it back, then. 145 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:38,800 Don't come to ''FatFighters'' if you just stuff your face when my back is turned! 146 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,600 If that's how you feel, maybe I shouldn't come. 147 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,600 No, do, do. We need to keep the numbers up. 148 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,500 - OK. Bye, then. - Goodbye. 149 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,200 Hello, Marjorie. 150 00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:12,700 Oh, hi, Meera. 151 00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,000 Not mine. 152 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:21,000 Another man put them there or... I don't know. 153 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,200 Scotland is a smashing place to take a holiday 154 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,600 and regularly wins the award for ''Best Scottish holiday destination''. 155 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,200 (RUMBLE OF THUNDER) 156 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,400 So what happened? 157 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:41,100 It was a Sunday afternoon and we were all sat round watching the telly box. 158 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:44,600 - What were we watching, children? - ''Naked Video.'' 159 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:49,000 The ''Naked Video Comedy Show''. The sprites were a-talking and a-laughing. 160 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,300 And then all of a sudden, pfff...! All was darkness in the Kingdom of the Sprites. 161 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,600 - The screen went dead? - Yes! 162 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,600 ''Awaken, sprites!'' I cried and tried to tempt them out like so. 163 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,700 (PLAYS TUNE: ''THE BIRDY SONG'') 164 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,000 Oh, come out, ye sprites, ye naughty sprites! 165 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,000 (PLAYS TUNE) 166 00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:15,100 - And that didnae work? - I'd love to say yes. 167 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,700 But, unfortunately, the answer is no. 168 00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:21,900 You've got a faulty connection. Try it now. 169 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:29,600 Argh! It's the arch-wizard himself! Avert thine eyes, children! 170 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:36,600 He enters a room and with a budget of just �500, he makes it ''transform-ed''. 171 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,600 He is truly the master of the black arts. 172 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,800 (PLAYS SLIDING NOTE) 173 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:48,600 Right, you said you had another TV you wanted me to look at. 174 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,100 Yes. 'Tis a curious thing. 175 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:56,900 By day, 'tis bright, but by night, 'tis as black as a black man's cape. 176 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,200 That is a window. You do know that, don't you? 177 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,500 Ye-e-es. 178 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,600 Psychiatrist Dr Lawrence lives with his children 179 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,600 in this delightful old cottage here in Flatley Village. 180 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,500 Just look at it! What a beauty! I'd love to have one like that. 181 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:23,400 Now, we've got a special guest coming to stay with us this weekend 182 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,000 who lives at the hospital where Daddy works. 183 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,000 Her name is Anne and we've got to be extra special nice to her, OK? 184 00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:33,800 - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - Say hello to Anne. 185 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,000 - Hello. - Hello. 186 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,200 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 187 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,600 She's nice, isn't she? Hmm? 188 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:46,400 Oh, yes, Anne loves goldfish. She looks after the one at the hospital. Don't you? 189 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:53,100 Here we go. Anne's painted a picture for you. 190 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,200 Say thank you. 191 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,200 Thank you. 192 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,600 Don't touch the middle of it. 193 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,100 Back at DIY Universe, Des Kaye is hard at work. 194 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:12,900 - Excuse me. Where are the barbecues? - Over by the... 195 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,500 - Des! - Robin Dee. 196 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:20,500 How is everything over at Children's? I see the Bubble Twins are doing well for themselves. 197 00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:24,800 - Yeah, still pulling in the viewers. - This is the longest one they've got. 198 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,000 Dicky Bubble! 199 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,100 Hello, Des! 200 00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:33,900 Oh, so you two just happen to be in the same shop on the same day. 201 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:36,200 Oh, what a coincidence! 202 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,600 No. We're a couple. 203 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:44,100 - My divorce came through. - Oh, so you just... Oh. 204 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,500 Are you working here now then, Des? 205 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,800 (PA) Des Kaye to the stockroom, please. 206 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,700 No. 207 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,300 You must come in for a meeting sometime. 208 00:14:56,300 --> 00:15:01,000 Oh, erm, I've actually got a big new show in development for ITV. 209 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,400 Well, uh, good luck with it. 210 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000 Cheerio, Des. 211 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,900 But if you've got any money... 212 00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,700 Thanks. 213 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,300 Those two are shoplifters. 214 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:46,000 As the sun sets in southern Britain, for those in the north, the day is just beginning. 215 00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,500 Right. I've got the brochures here. 216 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,600 Now, let's have a look and see where you wanna go. 217 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,700 That one. 218 00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:01,400 - You wanna go there? - Yeah, that one. 219 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,200 - Well, that is Helsinki. - Yeah, I know. 220 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,700 - You wanna go to Helsinki? - Yeah. 221 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,800 We've got loads of brochures here. We haven't even looked yet. 222 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:17,800 We could go to Rome or Barcelona or Florida. You can go to Florida very cheap now. 223 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,900 Helsinki. 224 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:25,800 But you said Finland had a maudlin quality to it and it was unsuitable as a holiday destination. 225 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,400 - Yeah, I know. - Where do you wanna go? 226 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,300 - Helsinki. - You're sticking with Helsinki? 227 00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,900 Helsinki. 228 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,500 I wanna go to Florida! 229 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:43,800 At Kelsey Grammar School, Mr Cleeves is busy taking the register. 230 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,800 - Unman. - Here. 231 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,800 - Wittering. - Here. 232 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,500 And Zigo, absent. 233 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,800 Hurry up, come along. 234 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,700 Thank you. Just a couple of points from the headmaster. 235 00:16:56,700 --> 00:17:01,700 Any boys who signed for the school trip to the moon need to pay their deposit by Friday. 236 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,600 That's �5. 237 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:08,500 The bring-and-buy sale on Sunday in the car park raised over 36 million pounds 238 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,600 for Ethiopian famine. Well done. 239 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,200 ''Minewhile'', at the offices of the Royal Shakespeare Company... 240 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,800 - Found your Boy yet? - Sorry, who are you? 241 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,700 - We sent you a letter. - Did you? 242 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:26,100 Yes, we did do. Raif wanted to audition for the part of the Boy in ''Henry V''. 243 00:17:26,100 --> 00:17:29,700 - I'm afraid we've cast that part now. - I know. 244 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,600 Perhaps he can audition for us next season. 245 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,200 - You never even replied. - Really? What's your name? 246 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,400 - Speak up. - Ralph. 247 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,600 - Raif. - Raif Patterson. 248 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,800 Well, it is our policy to reply to all letters. I'll just see if we have it on file. 249 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,500 Yes. Here it is. 250 00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:53,100 I must say we thought it was a...wind-up. 251 00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,300 Why's that? 252 00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,600 - ''Dear Bastard...'' - Just trying to get your attention! 253 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:05,700 ''My name is Ralph...Raif Patterson and I am the best actor in the world ever.'' 254 00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:10,700 Yeah, we did toy with ''ever ever'', but we didn't want him to come across as arrogant. 255 00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:14,600 ''You may have seen me in 'The Demon Headmaster'.'' Were you in that? 256 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,500 - I had a line. - Go on, do it, do it! 257 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,200 - Hello. - Told you he was good. 258 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,200 Told you he was good! 259 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:28,500 ''I've always loved Shakespeare's plays and I'm delighted to hear he's written a new one. 260 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,000 ''I would be a...'' What does that say? 261 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,200 ''..a brilliant...'' Sorry, it's quite difficult writing in blood. 262 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,900 ''I would be a brilliant Boy in it or even Henry V himself.'' 263 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:45,700 Brackets - ''Did you see 'Bodger and Badger'?'' - close brackets. 264 00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:49,300 You see, we always had Jonathan Pryce in place for the King. 265 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:53,400 Him? He's Chinese, isn't he? 266 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,000 ''Give me this job, you shit. 267 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000 ''Yours sincerely, Raif Paterson.'' 268 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:04,100 Is it a yes now or do I have to dangle him out the window? 269 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:12,000 Yes... Don't have all the sandwiches, Emma. Anne might like some. 270 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 271 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:20,100 Thank you, Anne. Now do help yourself to sandwiches and cakes. 272 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:23,000 - Those are egg and those are tuna. - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 273 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,500 That's right, that's egg. 274 00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:28,000 - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - And that's tuna. 275 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,100 - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) 276 00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:39,600 Hello...? I'm at someone's house at the minute. Can I call you back? It's a bit rude. 277 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,100 OK. All right. Bye-bye. 278 00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:46,100 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 279 00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:49,700 (PLAYS GENTLE PIECE) 280 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:06,600 Oh, forgot to set the video for ''Room 101''! 281 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,100 (PLAYS LOUD DISCORDANT NOTE) Sorry! 282 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:17,100 This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham. 283 00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:22,800 Books in Britain have recently become very popular thanks to the invention of reading. 284 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:27,000 ''Yes,'' cried Geraldine. ''I will marry you.'' 285 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,100 ''I will, I will!'' 286 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,000 The end. 287 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,300 How many pages? 288 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,900 Twelve. 289 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:38,200 Oh. 290 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,100 ''Do you know the Bible?'' said Lord Harper. 291 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:46,100 ''No,'' said Geraldine. ''I've never even heard of it.'' 292 00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:49,800 ''It's really good,'' said Lord Harper. ''Let me read it to you.'' 293 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:53,300 ''OK, then,'' said Geraldine. 294 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,900 ''Chapter One. Genesis. 295 00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:00,400 ''In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.'' 296 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:05,100 You'll find the rest of the Bible on the shelf, Miss Grace. Wake me up when you've finished. 297 00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:12,700 In this board room in Gore, a meeting is taking place. 298 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,600 The room doesn't look that bored to me. It looks quite perky. 299 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,600 Sales have dropped, but I'm not too concerned... 300 00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:24,700 Here's one for you! Nutty Nut Nuts! 301 00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:28,100 Real nuts covered in... Wait for it! 302 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,300 Nuts! How about that for starters? 303 00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:35,600 Er, this is a private meeting. 304 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,200 I've just been in the supermarket and your cereals aren't selling. There's boxes of 'em! 305 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,800 If you have any ideas, just jot them down and send them in. 306 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:49,000 Nick, play fair. The lad's come in with a few ideas. He's shown some pluck and initiative. 307 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,500 - Let's hear him out. - Thank you, Grandad. 308 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,600 Suga Poofs. Gay men frosted with sugar. 309 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,200 Interesting. 310 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:03,900 Golden Graeme. Dr Graeme Garden cut up and covered in delicious gold. 311 00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:06,100 - Not sure. - Coco Pups. 312 00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:09,000 Real puppy dogs smothered in chocolate. 313 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,100 Not for us. 314 00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:15,300 For the health-conscious amongst you, how about an apple? 315 00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,700 I can't really see it. 316 00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:20,200 - Rice Krispies. - No. 317 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,400 Er, slice of toast? 318 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,800 - No. - Full English? 319 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,200 This isn't what we're looking for. We'd be grateful if... 320 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:34,800 What if I told you I could invent a cereal that would make everybody who ate it beautiful? 321 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,300 - Can you? - No. 322 00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:40,300 - Get out! - You heard him. Out! 323 00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:49,300 It is a sad day in Andy's flat and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him. 324 00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:52,100 You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you? 325 00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,300 Yeah, I know. 326 00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:57,300 We'd better put you in your smart suit, shouldn't we? 327 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,200 Yeah. 328 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,100 Who's Maria? 329 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,800 Maria's the nice lady who looked after you before she got too ill. 330 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:09,800 Yeah, I know. 331 00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:14,500 Let's just slip these off. 332 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,800 Oh, there you go! 333 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,600 What a kerfuffle! 334 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:23,300 I don't know how Maria coped on her own all those years! 335 00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:27,100 Right... Let's just get these smart trousers on. 336 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,400 One foot... 337 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,600 Two foot. 338 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,700 There you go. 339 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,800 Oh, it's hard work! Right, let's find you a nice belt. 340 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:42,800 You want to look smart, give her a good send-off. 341 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,200 Good send-off, yeah. 342 00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:49,600 Ah! 343 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,300 This is the one Maria bought you. 344 00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,700 Yeah. Who's Maria? 345 00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:02,900 If you like to buy jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing or faulty electrical goods, 346 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:06,300 then why not pop down to your local charity shop? 347 00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,900 - Excuse me. - Yes? 348 00:24:16,100 --> 00:24:18,700 Do you know if anyone died in this? 349 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,000 I don't know. I couldn't say, I'm sorry. 350 00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:30,600 This is very nice. 351 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,900 Yes, it's a lovely colour. 352 00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:36,800 Do you know if anyone died in it? 353 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,000 I don't know. 354 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,900 - We don't tend to ask. - No, we don't tend to ask. 355 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,600 I think I'll leave it, then. 356 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,100 These pyjamas are beautiful. 357 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,600 Oh, yes. They're...they're pure silk. 358 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,400 Do you know if anyone died in them? 359 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:04,100 Well, actually, a lady did come in yesterday with a big sack of men's clothes 360 00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:08,600 and said her husband died in his sleep, so he would have died in those. 361 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:10,600 I'll take them. 362 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,200 We're out in the garden, Anne, if you want to join us! 363 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,900 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 364 00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:21,300 We can play that later if you like. 365 00:25:21,300 --> 00:25:23,300 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 366 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,000 Yeah, we don't need the toilet just now, Anne. 367 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,400 Eh! Eh! Ehhh! 368 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:33,000 No, Anne. That's Emma's guinea pig. Put that back! 369 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:36,600 Ohh! 370 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,800 We'll get you another one. 371 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,900 In the seaside town of 0ld Haven, 372 00:25:47,900 --> 00:25:53,300 unconvincing transvestite Emily Howard has gone for a quiet stroll along the prom. 373 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,000 - Oh, lovely choice! - Yes. 374 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,200 I am a lady. 375 00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,200 - Are you a lady? - Yes. 376 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,900 Isn't it lovely being a lady? I am one. 377 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,600 And being a lady, I love flowers. Do you love flowers? 378 00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:12,700 - Yes. - We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we? 379 00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:15,500 Yes. Well, I must get back to my husband. 380 00:26:15,500 --> 00:26:20,500 Yes, I have a husband. They can be so terribly troublesome, these husbands, can't they? 381 00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,000 We should know, being ladies! 382 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000 - Shall we go? - Hello, I'm a friend of your wife. 383 00:26:26,100 --> 00:26:30,800 - All right? - Yes, we're both ladies and we got chatting. 384 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,900 - Don't I know you from somewhere? - I don't think so. I am a lady. 385 00:26:34,900 --> 00:26:37,900 Yeah, I know you. You're Eddie. Eddie Howard. 386 00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:42,000 - No, I am Emily Howard, a lady. - We used to work together. 387 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,000 - I ain't ever worked down the docks! - Yeah, down the docks. 388 00:26:45,100 --> 00:26:48,100 - You can vouch for me, can't you? - Well... 389 00:26:48,300 --> 00:26:51,300 You, child! You know I'm a lady, don't you? 390 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:53,400 No! 391 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:58,700 You, man on the beach! You know I'm a lady, don't you? 392 00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:00,900 No, you're a bloke! 393 00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:04,700 I'm a lady and my name is Emily Howard! 394 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,200 Look! 395 00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:09,300 ''Emily Howard.'' 396 00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:11,200 Good day! 397 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,500 It doesn't seem to be here. 398 00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:23,800 Must have crawled out. 399 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,000 - Well, it'll be in here somewhere. - Yeah. 400 00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:34,900 And so we reach the end of another episode of ''Little Britain''. 401 00:27:34,900 --> 00:27:36,900 If you have enjoyed this programme, 402 00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:41,200 you may like to know that there are other programmes available to watch on television, 403 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:46,700 such as the news, cartoons and magazine programmes. Good-boo! 34429

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