All language subtitles for Dave Allen on Airplanes

foreign

I don't want to care about wide seats

short sheets reclining seats how much

booze they're going to give me what food

I'm gonna when I fly

three things I want to know will the

plane take off

one and when it's up in the air will it

stay in here and when it comes down is

it coming down where they said it would

come down

oh I Wanna Know

get on airplanes good

the language

the language of Airlines

planes are never late they're delayed

you get on when they take and there's

always you see there's always these

words that they use words are very

important the psychological wording

you're on an airplane

sitting on the runway ready to take off

that's when the hostess always tells you

about the things that can go wrong with

the plane they never tell you that when

you're buying the ticket do they they

never say the wings could fall out so

oxygen will fail

they wait

until you're sitting there not only are

you sitting there but you're strapped

you're strapped into this bloody thing

and then under the guise of talking

about the doors they're giving you a

blessing

these words

if by chance

by chance

pressurization of the cabin drops

oxygen

will be provided

that's bloody nice of them isn't it

they've got you up to 35 000 feet

they're about to asphyxiate you no we'll

give you some oxygen

and it's all that oxygen will be

provided if an oxygen mask drops down in

front of you please place it over your

nose and mouth and breathe

where else for Christ's sake

that's the only part of your body you

can breathe or you're not going to stick

it on your life

foreign

and breathe normally

normally

you usually see yourself 35 000 feet

and these things drop out of the roof

like use contraceptive

then you're gonna go oh look at that oh

that's interesting the pressurization of

the cabin must have dropped they're

providing us good oxygen oh

interesting isn't it yes

crap let me tell you if you're sitting

there 35 000 feet and those things drop

down in front of you the first thing

that happens is your anal nerve goes

and on a jumbo jet that is 500 anal

nerves

quicker the thing you get that thing

over your nose

words like emergency landing have you

come across that

emergency landing

emergency landing this clever wording

it's an emergency but it's a landing

they've got you down

we're Pros it's emergency we've seen you

through we've got you down you don't

have to worry about things

emergency

somebody says emergency to me crash

that's what it is Crash

emergency landing hit some Wallop bang

bump into

we're about to make an emergency landing

on the side of this mountain

you see yourself going through all this

the plane is coming in

your table is towed

seat isn't in our proposition

make sure that all the property and

glass things you give to the hostess

those tests excuse me

inside of a mountain would you take my

glass away

take your teeth out

they don't say take your false teeth out

they say take your teeth out

I need to sit there with spoons going

it's a pillow on your lap and place your

head on the lap

you see that

sitting there coming into the side of a

mom put your head on your lap that's so

you can kiss your ass goodbye

brace yourself

what did you do when you hit them up I

braced myself

do you know that an airplane

after 18 hours flying it's just filled

with vomit defecation and farts

that's all it is it hits the side of a

mom that's why nobody will go near here

for days

if if in the have you heard if in the

unlikely event of us having to put down

on water

there's a double doubt there isn't it if

unlikely put the truth if unlikely

put down on water

put down put down

leaves put down

thistle down puts down feathers put down

jumbo Jets have you seen one it's as big

as this theater for a price say if I

took this theater up to 35 000 feet and

dropped it it would not put down

bury itself in the bloody ground

if in the unlikely event was having to

put down on Water you will find your

life jacket under your seat

and then they show you how to put it on

place it over your head you take two

ribbons a Secret's body once tie it in

the bone left hand side and they do it

okay

and you see yourself coming out of the

sky at 900 miles an hour

you put down on the Indian Ocean

you seen the Indian Ocean it's enormous

it's black and nasty and enormous it's

got waves huge gigantic waves following

each other all around

and you look at your safety card

and you have landed in the Indian Ocean

your captain has managed to find a flat

piece

your plane is flat

all little blue Waves all around it all

pretty

slides coming out of the side of the

airplane people going

the dinghy with a bell tent children say

Mommy we're going camping in the Indian

Ocean

pictures of the people leaving the

airplane

with a briefcase

and the hostess was saying thank you for

flying

oh

one thing you'll never see in all that

is little black fins do you

you never looked at those pictures in

those little black fins all floating

around in there

if you get an airplane and you're

looking at the safety card and it has

black fins on it I have been there

before you

I do want airplanes now I get the safety

cards and I draw in little black things

I'm gonna get a red ink and kind of put

little bits of red in it

and for your added safety while you're

in the Indian Ocean

they give you a whistle

nothing

huge waves

all right

rescue plane 40 000 feet

that bastard

you know the one thing I've always

always you'll hear about but any sort of

mishap with airplanes the one thing that

they always find they always seem to get

back is the flight recorder don't they

the black box but they always get the

black box back

it's waterproof bomb proof fireproof it

is totally indestructible

now why don't they put Wings on it and

let us fly