All language subtitles for Dave Allen - religious jokes

I love walking into a bar and standing

outside is a nun

and she looks at me she says before you

enter this den of iniquity think of your

mother and your father

he said the dead they're dead in heaven

she said well think of the damage the

alcohol is going to do to your brain huh

what are you talking about

have you ever had a drink and the nun

says no he said well hope the hell can

you stand there talking about it insane

drink is going to do damage to your

brain if you ever never had it I tell

you what I'll go in get your drink bring

it out give it to you you drink it if

you don't like it then you can talk

about it but don't talk about things you

have never experienced what'll you have

and the nun says I don't know what -

ladies generally drink he says gin she

says all right I'll have a gin but

getting a cup so nobody'll notice goes

into the mine he says give us a

plaintiff here and a double gin and a

cop the father says is that bloody nun

out there again discussing the existence

of God would an out-and-out atheist

starts off very correctly discussion and

as the hours go by it gets more and more

heated and eventually the Pope tends to

the man in his atom mom dad the mom you

come here

you are like a man who's totally blind

fold it in a darker room looking for a

black cat that is not today

respect your holiness

I think this great similarity between us

both see why do you mean similarity you

said well as far as I am concerned you

are like a man who is blindfolded in a

totally dark room looking for a black

cat that isn't there the only difference

is that you found it with a nun gets up

in the morning and leaves and walks down

the corridor and then a nun Arden's

looks at her and says it's a difficult

thing to say I'm not a nun and he says

you got out of the wrong side of the bed

this morning and she goes on down and

another nun says you got out of the

wrong side of the bed this morning

this happens 15 times I by then she's

livid and she meets the Mother Superior

and the Mother Superior is just about to

open her mouth and the sister says don't

tell me that I got out of the wrong side

of the bed this morning and the Mother

Superior said I wasn't going to say that

I was just going to say what are you

doing with the bishops shoes on

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I am what you would what you might call

a practicing atheist I'm quite happy to

be an atheist because I think actually

God likes atheists better we never asked

him for anything not bothering them all

the time so God please help me on my

business and as a practicing a there's

just certain things that I travel around

the world and no matter where I go

somebody called Gideon leaves me this

book to me because it all began at the

beginning

there are certain there are certain

things when I read the Bible don't you

read about that I find difficult to

understand I mean if God has been there

forever what was he doing before he got

to us I mean what was he out there doing

was he sitting there suddenly from

nowhere he suddenly decided to create a

world I'll make a world make a world yes

rivers cheese everything I want a garden

and I'd like a nice garden what God me

hate gardening God spitting dust hey

honey

Adam never once says well my name a God

did I come home I mean he's 40 years of

age he has no child and he has no recall

he doesn't say how did I get here

but he's quite happy he's just kind of

trembles around the garden working away

and God is looking at him honey she said

Anna was happy

I didn't put him there to be happy I put

a stop to that God during the night

sneaks down like a thief and steals

doesn't ask doesn't request doesn't

steals it his rib and from his rib

he makes woman and Adam wakes up in the

morning he's a real Vicky Kemosabe oh he

doesn't say where did you come from

where you how does the hell did you get

here where'd you get those lumps

it just goes out and goes gardening and

God comes down and has a conversation

with Eve and tells her that you can eat

of any fruit in the tree in the whole

garden with the exception of one fruit

tree he's talking to a woman he tells

her not to eat of the fruit that one

over two imports it out to it how money

goes and hides and she sneaks up to the

tree and a snake comes down and has a

conversation snake now I see a snake

I'll back off one starts talking I'll

crap myself

when a snake actually convinces her to

eat the apple and she eats the Apple I'm

when she eats the Apple she learns shame

that's what happens when you eat apples

no she's not ashamed that she's

disobeyed God or that she's eating the

Apple she's ashamed of one here one part

of her body that's all

she becomes ashamed of that area of the

body now why that area her nose do you

actually realize that if Eve had it been

ashamed of her nose every woman in the

world now would be ashamed of your noses

you don't be sitting here tonight with

little nose knickers on men would be in

nightclubs watching totally naked ladies

with g-strings on

take them up boys your nose

and this is the book this is the book

that you grew into court and place your

hand apart

first funeral I ever went to and believe

me this is true I was 6 years of age and

as they lowered the box and they into

the ground the priest said in the name

of the Father and the Son and the Holy

Ghost and I think years used to bless

myself and say in the name of the father

and son and into the Holy goes one final

custom that we have in Ireland regarding

death and the funeral is that only one

person who was buried in a graveyard can

go to heaven

it's basically means if two people are

buried in the same graveyard on the same

day the last one in has gotta wait till

tomorrow so can you imagine what would

happen if one funeral met another

funeral going to the same graveyard

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little fella dies and goes to heaven I

don't seem Peter said what you would you

arm that would you uh would you like to

have a look around um you haven't yeah I

would actually so they're looking around

heaven and um who are those people have

a laser there they are the Muslims there

are Muslims damn and over there we have

the Jewish people and these are

Anglicans

and Hindus Baptists what why do you have

this big wall here is it our behind the

wall you see we have the Catholics why

do you have the Catholics behind what is

Shh they like to think that they're the

only ones here

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