All language subtitles for BBC - Dave Allen - The Immaculate Selection (2014) (480p)

you

security in this place is getting

ridiculous

thank you very much indeed even in

welcome to the show

here we go again same old stool same eye

Streisand dog ends thank God they didn't

empty bad

oh god that's great

a lot of people write in and ask me so

why do I drink gin show and is it

because I need the drink to get through

the show and I can tell you here now I

say the reason I drink is because it

does sitting here for 45 minutes get

very hot does a tremendous amount of

lights and the only reason I I have the

drink it's basically to keep cool I want

to make it quite clear that I am NOT

reliant on alcohol in any way to get me

right through this get away from that we

had a very famous man in Ireland once

called Daniel O'Connell one of Ireland's

greatest witch writers poets and

politicians and he once said of alcohol

as civil

full of walking into a bar and standing

outside is a nun and she looks at me she

says before you enter this den of

iniquity think of your mother and your

father

he said the dead dead a didn't happen

she said well think of the damage the

alcohol is going to do to your brain huh

what are you talking about have you ever

had a drink and the nun says no is it

well out the hell can you stand there

talking about it and saying drink is

going to do damage to your brain if you

ever never had it I tell you what I'll

go in get your drink bring it out give

it to you you drink it if you don't like

it then you can talk about it

but don't talk about things you've never

experienced what do you have and the nun

says I don't know what - ladies

generally drink he says gin she says all

right I'll have a gin but get it in a

cup so nobody will notice the funnel

goes into the wine he says give us a

pint of beer on a double gin in a cup my

father says is that bloody non out there

again

a little drunk in st. James's Park I

don't mean you get a little drunk I mean

dude was a little bit uh and he's

looking like duckies

I wouldn't oh and my humble one and um

ducks for my dinner if I if I get a big

sticky my bang one of them ducks him on

the head I'm gonna take him home to near

him and there's one little duck sitting

by himself out of the water not like

it's a big stick in he runs over to duck

me go mmm undergrowth he picks off by

the lake and tears all the feathers

other looks it and just then as he's

finished plucking the bird he sees a

park keeper walking towards him so he

throws the duck into the lake and the

water revives the duck and there is this

totally bald

the park keeper comes off his ooh what

are you doing

turns I'm sitting here I'm sure he'll

the duckies in the water

thank whitey Gregg clay he said you are

trying to steal one of our ducks still

much as didn't ducky he said there was a

bald duck in the water and there's all

these feathers around you explain that

he said well I was just sitting here

having a talk with the ducky and then he

said he'd like to go for a swim and I

said look now mind your clothes right

I used to miniaturize this [ __ ] - bloody

things come at one time in my life I was

what they call a freelance reporter and

I used to spend a great deal of time in

the law courts of Dublin if you want

logic that's the strangest place in the

world to go to I heard a judge say what

to follow one morning and he said dah

have you ever been up before me and the

father says I don't know what time you

get up

I saw counselor on a pompous council

being taken down by the honesty of a

little fellow and the council said are

you are you married he says yes sir so

to whom are you married she's a woman is

it really

you're actually swearing on the earth

that you are married to a woman sir yes

sir

is it incredible have you ever heard of

anybody being married to a man he says

yes sir my sister the charges laid

against the defendant talking on a

double yellow line milord arcing on a

double yellow line how do you plead not

guilty your honor

all the evidence before me suggested to

our Katti and after giving this case

through consideration I shall find you

guilty and the sentence of the court

upon you is that you be taken from this

place to a lawful prison and from thence

to a place of execution and the time on

a date appointed by the court you'll be

hanged by the neck until you are dead

and made a lord have mercy upon your sir

it's only a parking offense milord is on

your pocket offense it's a two-pound

fine huh

we will also pay another most boring

place ever to be trapped is in a

motorcar a traffic jam go nowhere and

one you gotta do is learn to keep

yourself occupied I do a lot of things

in motorcars when I'm sitting there I

have actually become the most mobile of

conductors as far as radio is concerned

I sit there and conduct the radio I

occasionally upset the people who are

around me by picking my news not really

I just drive that back

actually the thing to do is to try and

attract the attention of other people

even if you just blow the horn doesn't

matter just blow and do do other things

I do a go and I go

I'll tell you if you get a follow you

know how you sit or people sit in a

traffic jam and they'll read the paper

if you get behind one of those fellows

and they're stuck in the paper they

forget the course of time and the read

no way all you gonna do is blow your

horn they think the traffic's moved on

their drive straight last why not I'm

getting attack and you go you've got

them going no album nothing worse than

actually watching somebody trying to

send an eater

everybody thinks they can do it better

than you i believin got

yeah

hello token over felon island oh he said

did you go away for your holidays I

didn't you did I did I went over to the

continent with my friend Charlie who's

charlie

I said you remember that fella I knocked

over with the car broke all his legs

bits pieces he said I took him as a kind

of just feeling we went over to Paris

went open the Eiffel Tower

he said the charity go with you he said

no no no Charlie can't walk without his

crutches where'd you go Danny job we

went down to Italy went to Peter the

leaning tower I went up in the Leaning

Tower of Pisa

Charlie go with you no no Charlie can't

walk without his crutches he said we

went to Rome talk to the Pope we did

didn't AXI he talked to us he talked to

Charlie so what do you say this is

charity

charlie didn't call he didn't have an

Irish accent no he says Charlie throw

away your left coach Charlie threw it

away he's did he who do you say that

he's a Charlie throw away your right

crutch daddy threw it away

anyone up nothing and the Pope he said

to Charlie says Charlie walk and your

man said did he walk you should know he

fell over

I don't know give him notice but there

are there are times when my glass is

nearly empty not very often but occasion

and then I introduce some sketches and

when we come back after sketches by some

miracle my glass he's fooling well my

glass is very nearly empty now which

might signify to the more observant

members of the audience that I am about

to introduce some sketches rapunzel

rapunzel it is I your prince let down

your hair

haven't you finished that book yet and

your ganking been here all you do is

read your on night work all the week you

only have one night off and what you do

when we get to bed read oh shut up

well there are other things to do in bed

haha well would you look it like that a

month-old trifle funny aren't we well

since we're here to sleep raps you'll

get up and close that window and put

that cigarette out you know I can't

sleep with the window open and then you

can put that light out go why do I get

sick of that up

turn the light on you get sleeping with

you over there do nothing that's all God

what is it

it's been three and a half years since I

worked in television things have changed

I've changed likely a lot of main

changes we probably notice there is no

ashtray I have given it up I a heavy

smoker I used to even smoke in between

smokes have given it up don't be change

and 1/6 or anything about giving up

smoking to non-smokers um I'm a convert

I'm out I've come over I've joined them

they're proud of me to say good for you

you've given up the filthy habit good

good good good good the heavy smokers

who used to be my eyes I'm a traitor

blame Judas you of all people but one of

the one of the good things a lot of new

things about giving up smoking is that I

now have my sense of smell back I can

actually get up in the morning an open

the window thrown up and breathe it and

smell again petrol carbon monoxide dog

[ __ ]

well isn't taste I asked you thought

what I used to eat food it was the

smoking loser

I had no taste there's not the smokey

mr. food muddy tasteless and now the

whole the whole thing about being smoked

I said being a smoker is is very

difficulty in in today's society because

the pressures are on smokers society

frowns upon smokers there are signs

everywhere seen him

no smoking smoking is not allowed

smoking is forbidden the Americans -

totally lunatic about it when I was in

America I was smoking I don't wanna and

stop me in the street she said you're

smoking why had exposed myself I said

here's madam she said you had a

cigarette in your mouth I said I know

I've been smoking for years it's the

only way I know how

then a few years couple years ago I

decided I actually decided I don't think

from pressure anything else

I decided of it I would give up smoking

because I have teenage children and I

knew that one day my teenage children

were gonna come in smoking and I didn't

actually think that I could be

hypocritical enough to sit there and

watch them go and I'm going don't do

that we have it gives me odd

I decided I would give up smoking and

then I thought it because what actually

happens if you are a smoker when it

actually comes to giving up smoking

you're two people there's a person who

wants the smoke and there's a person who

doesn't want to smoke so you have a kind

of check long hind going with you all

the time

I woke up one morning with eight o'clock

in the morning and I sat down I thought

that's it this is actually the day I

would give up smoking

another time I don't really want to give

it up what you should actually do is cut

it down what you should do is actually

think you'll only smoke when you enjoy

something because you're like smoking

you get a certain pleasure out of it but

instead of it being unhealthy what you

should do is just just take the moments

that you really get the most enjoyment

and that's the time you smoke when you

when you enjoy smoking most listen after

a meal what a meal that's what I enjoy

smoking fine

you can have 12 a day I'm actually

sitting there eight o clock in the

morning going 112 that's good right

housing under twelve cigarettes twelve

little bits in a slop now I won't go to

bed before twelve o'clock tonight it's

sixteen hours

twelve cigarettes it's an hour but on

twenty minutes for every cigarette I'm

gonna finish that one it's only three

minutes past eight I've only got 11

cigarettes my wife comes in my nice he's

gonna drive the children back and walk

Wow

twelve o'clock noon I have gone through

mine cigarettes I'm a lunatic Oh God

please help me please out long wait wait

wait you don't you have some cigarettes

you've got three cigarettes left over

that's for our smoking you can cut him

in half

dancing that'll be two dog ends there'll

be two butts he'll be thrown away more

cigarettes oh wait wait wait wait I'm

trying to explain myself now here I have

been a smoker since I was so big I am

now going through the first withdrawal

symptoms I have ever gone through in my

life so I said explain this I said

listen listen wait calm down you are

actually experienced withdrawal symptoms

this is your first time it's difficult

we know it but you've got to persevere

tomorrow it's not gonna be a significant

because you'll have experience what it

is today so tomorrow it won't be so bad

but you'll still have 12 cigarettes

tomorrow and you won't need those 12

cigarettes tomorrow you probably only

need five or six or four so take those

eight today

before we shoot you do you have any last

requests see why is it I would like to

hear you sing a song huh for me before I

die me sing I saw yeah I see you song

huh

captain Hardison

do you think the Admiral will live I'm

not sure but stand by to signal any

development of the fleet

I have arranged to fire one cannon

should my Lord Nelson recover but two

shots if he should die I look sir

kevro's reviving he's getting better

hey well done sir permission to signal

the good news the feet carry on honey hi

sir

fire two three ah we must inspect this

card you British Foods always you're

trying to escape

food always we are fighting you yeah oh

there's no ways of world you are pulling

over our eyes brows opens again

you're the two fellows at the dogs

missing what what what do you fancy for

this one here I said I think I think I

think trap - truck - for this wreath and

there's a follow behind him reason I

wouldn't bet on trap - if I real trapped

five is a winner trap two is in there's

a blind is it do you think so she did so

they put the money on five and it goes

down and two wins then what about the

secondaries he says I think I think one

for this one he says right we put the

money on one your man's behind him again

he said are no one is a terrible lame

duck he's the only there is a runner I

wouldn't touch him he said you said that

the last time he said the last time I

made a mistake but this time

don't bet one put your money on six so

what do you think he said well he seems

to know an awful lot about us

you better put the money on six he's

right put the money on six it goes down

one wins they go right through the card

they lose everything the end of the race

isn't much of you gotta say like a for

Bob he says god I'm starving but you go

and get two cheese sandwiches this is

right it goes off comes back with two

ham sammiches I thought you want to get

cheese he said I met that phone again

you're very intolerant of each other the

most amazing thing about intolerant

people is that they are generally animal

lovers and especially in this country we

were brought up to love animals forget

about people animals dogs dogs you adore

them forget about people dogs dogs get

away with anything you never have

anybody saying to a dog wipe your feet

before you come in don't put your feet

in the couch

people always talk into dogs you hear

people telling you be my be my watch you

would you chuckle I'm under the film the

Dalton moon hmm

me I'm Sanada me me me Jimmy they brush

them they mummies with the brush nice

almost little bit mommy's got a nice

steak for you she's gonna chop up so you

won't wear your teeth down husband comes

home he says we're on the nurse in the

oven if you want I don't get it

people buy dogs little little rubber

bones rubber bones for a dog he sits

there and he bites at his teeth fly up

and he's so thick he's so happy - bloody

doing all there you walk into a house

you sit down so those little Terriers

folder on your leg nobody says a word

they sit there with a single and the

owner of the dog will say that's his way

of showing you that he likes you I

actually saw a dog having the leg of a

table

and the child said to the mother what's

he doing mommy and the mother said he's

helping mummy polish the furniture

finger here and if any person in this

audience

now suddenly wished to perform the act

of love with a member of the opposite

sex here what the hell it happened I

wouldn't mind but then rest you turn

around say physically oh my god I'm good

never seen anything dirty in your life I

went to the studios of the Saudis

screwing somebody you're an Alsatian you

get away with it

there are two subjects and are very

touching regarding public dogs is one of

them religion is the other I've just

done dogs here comes religion

ah

the Pope discussing the existence of God

would an out-and-out atheist start off

very correctly discussion and as the

hours go by it gets more and more heated

and eventually the Pope tends to the man

in is a damn mom get the mom you come

here you are like a man who's totally

blind fold it in a darker room looking

for a black cat that is not today first

of all respect your holiness

I think this great similarity between us

both Sawadee means similarity

he said well as far as I'm concerned you

are like a man who is blindfolded in a

totally dark room looking for a black

cat that isn't there the only difference

is that you found it get it done gets up

in the morning leaves and walks down the

corridor and another Maddon's looks at

her and says it's a difficult thing to

say I'm not a nun and says you got out

of the wrong side of the bed this

morning and she goes on down and another

nun says you got out of the wrong side

of the bed this morning

this happened fifteen times oh by then

she's livid and she meets the Mother

Superior and the mother superiors just

about open her mouth and the sister says

don't tell me that I got out of the

wrong side of the bed this morning

and the Mother Superior said I wasn't

going to say that I was just going to

say what are you doing with the bishops

shoes on

any job can get you down it's a story

about a priest who went to the doctor

they said he said I'm just I'm just up

to here with the job he said I can

concentrate on the math a confessional

or the poor or the elderly said I just

cannot I don't know why what it is but

I've lost all interest and the doctor

said well what you want is a change you

want a complete change a break away he

said what do you want to do is take your

collar off get dressed up as a lay man

and just go off and do things and the

priest does four weeks later he's in the

Playboy Club in London he's on his third

scotch he's 150 quid on the table

upstairs and a bunny walks over to would

big ear little tail you could land a

helicopter on them

and she says hello father O'Rourke you

don't know me do you she said of course

I know you don't you recognize me

he said no she said I'm sister Bridget

we go to the same doctor gissy Hana what

am I missing

hi hugging Nettie Wicky I had no life

kid whose lungs i hack Inc oozing and

swearing and I'm very sorry

logically speaking this represents the

continuum of Anglican orthodoxy which we

embrace within the litany and indeed the

liturgical Canon and the term ultra come

on

I am what you would uh what you might

call a practicing atheist

I'm quite happy to be an atheist because

I think actually God likes atheists

better we never asked him for anything

what I'm bothering on all the time so

God please help me on my business and as

a practicing a there's just certain

things that I travel around the world

and no matter where I go

somebody called Gideon leaves me this

book to be an Irish book because it says

it all began at the beginning

there are certain there are certain

things when I read the Bible I do read

the Bible then that I find difficult to

understand I mean if God has been there

forever

what was he doing before he got to us I

mean what was he out there doing was he

sitting bored today what I do I mean

suddenly from nowhere he suddenly

decided to create a world I'll make a

world make a world yes that's what I'll

do

rivers cheese no mmm everything's that I

want a garden and I'd like a nice garden

[ __ ] God me hate gardening God Oh God

spitting dust Adam hey honey he Adam

never once says where my name ago did I

come home

I mean he's 40 years of age he has no

child and there's no recall he doesn't

say how did I get here but he's quite

happy he just kind of troubles around

the garden working away and God is

looking at him honey she said Anna was

happy

I didn't put him there to be happy I'll

put a stop to that God during the night

sneaks down like a thief and steals

doesn't ask doesn't request doesn't

steals it his rib and from his rib

he makes woman and I don't wake up in

the morning he's a real thicky

he's lying anything under somebody else

he doesn't say where did you come from

where you how does the hell did you get

here where'd you get those lumps

just goes out and goes gardening and God

comes down and has a conversation with

Eve and tells her that you can eat have

any fruit in the tree in the whole

garden with the exception of one fruit

tree he's talking to a woman he tells

her not to eat of the fruit then she

said which tree cannot ease it that one

over to in points it out to her somebody

goes hides and she sneaks up to the tree

and a snake comes down and has a

conversation snake

now if I see a snake I'll back off one

starts talking I'll crap myself

for a snake actually convinces her to

eat the apple and she eats the upper eye

when she eats the Apple she learns shame

that's what happens when you eat apples

now she's not ashamed that she's

disobeyed God or that she's eating the

Apple she's ashamed of one here one part

of her body at all

she becomes ashamed of that area of the

body

oh why that area why not a robot her

nose you actually realize that if Eve

had have been ashamed of her nose every

woman in the world now would be ashamed

of your noses you don't be sitting here

tonight with little nose knickers on men

would be in nightclubs watching totally

naked ladies with g-strings on the

take him up oh I saw nose

and this is the book this is the book

that you go into court and place your

hand upon the hole

a very important part of the Irish way

of life is death see if anybody else

anywhere else in the world dies that's

the end of it the dead but in Ireland

when somebody dies we lay them out and

watch him for a couple of days

call awake and it's a great it's a party

to send off the followers laid out the

table there's drinking and dazzling all

of food you eat on all your friends come

from all over the place and they all

stand around the wig table looking at

you would have glass in the hands and

they say here's your health no terrible

thing about dying over there is if you

miss your own wake the best day your

life you paid for everything and you

can't join in mind if you did you'll be

drinking on your own

we have God we have a custom we have a

custom that the dying man has allowed

one question before he dies which must

be answered

completely truthfully otherwise the soul

is damned and you get a little fella

dying and he's got four sons three of

the biggest fellas you've ever seen in

your life and one skinny little puny

nothing his myelin is gone

Mary Mary are you there talent are you

did was I'm here look I'm here decide

and go on and god

Zelo don't hang about

before I go I'm going to ask you the

question tell me now tell me is that

skinny little runt standing at the end

of the bed is he really my son

she is honest to god he is yourself and

he goes she goes thank God you didn't

ask about the other three have you ever

gone to see a fellow who's on his way

out

you never talked about death you never

mention it and you get the fellows who

gonna see a photo hasn't got long enough

Alice don't say a word

don't mention death or anything to do

with death he doesn't know and don't let

on a word just be bright and cheerful

and happy they all walk into the little

cottage in the go through the little

door and over to the fallen event is

lying on a Shawn you're looking great

still the life and soul of the package

I won't be long before you're up and

punching English tourists they spend a

half an hour am they talking the chat

that's all cheerful and jolly they don't

mention death and they all say goodbye

no child he again happy and all even

he's a big fella gone out the door he's

about six foot seven as he goes through

the little door he cracks his head off

the top you'll go old they'll never get

a bloody coffin out of here him Doris

Dwight will be remembered as one of the

greatest ballerinas of all time and

perhaps it is very fitting that she was

taken from us while achieving a double

arabesque split you're in a performance

of Swan Lake she will no doubt be sadly

missed by us all

well I actually the first first funeral

I ever went to and believe me this is

true I was six years of age and as they

lowered the box and they into the ground

the priest said and the name of the

Father and the son of the Holy Ghost and

I think years used to bless myself and

say in the name of the Father the Son

and into the Holy Ghost

it's only safer world to Sir Humphry

Potter a man who gave His life two dogs

a judge had crafts the creator of three

new breed's of terrier and a lifelong

friend and student the habits of our

canine friends let us commend is so to

the Lord

one final custom that we have in Ireland

regarding death and the funeral is that

only one person who is buried in a

graveyard can go to heaven which

basically means if two people are buried

in the same graveyard on the same day

the last one in has got to wait till

tomorrow so can you imagine what would

happen if one funeral met another

funeral going to the same graveyard

and

you

little fella dies it goes to heaven I'm

Tim Peterson would you would you arm

that would you um would you like to have

a look around

God you heaven and well yeah I would

actually so they're looking around

heaven let me send down who are those

people have a laser there they are the

Muslims they are Muslims damn

and ever now we have the Jewish people

and uh these are England and Hindus

Baptists mmm what why do you have this

big wall here is it air erm behind the

wall you see we have the Catholics why

do you have the Catholics behind what is

Shh they like to think that they're the

only ones here

all right Thank You mayor God go with

you

introducing comedy heavy with Dave Allen

tonight we join in his adventures into a

world of eccentricity

you