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1
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,560
For centuries now
Britishers have shaped the world.
2
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:12,960
Mahatma Gandhi, Leonardo da Vinc
Ludwig van Beethoven - all British.
3
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:16,640
Even Jesus Chris
was from Woking in Surrey.
4
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:22,240
But what of the ordinary people folk wha
sort of live here and that? Let's meet them.
5
00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:27,960
Watch us wreck the mic, watch us wrec
the mic, watch us wreck the mic, psyche!
6
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:38,160
In Britain, if an old person reaches 100
they receive a telegram from the Queen.
7
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,560
If they reach 200
Her Majesty comes round to their house
8
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:44,640
and personally gives them a bikini wax.
9
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,760
Hello, Mrs Emery.
10
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,360
Ah, hello, dear.
11
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:52,640
- Oh, hasn't he grown
- Yeah.
12
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,160
He's 18 months now.
13
00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:59,280
Aww, he's lovely
You still working down the caff?
14
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:03,840
No, l had to give that up, but l'll be abl
to go back if l can get him into a nursery.
15
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,880
Oh, is there a good one near here?
16
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,560
Um...l think so.
17
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:18,760
My friend Joan, her youngest granddaughte
goes to a very good one up by The Bard.
18
00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,440
- Do you know that one
- Yeah.
19
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,760
l think there's a long waiting list
Is he on the waiting list?
20
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,960
No, he's not
Right, well, nice to see you again, Mrs Emery.
21
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:33,160
Yes, dear. Oh, hang on a sec
would he like a jelly baby?
22
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:37,160
- l don't really like him having sweets
- Oh, go on, one won't hurt.
23
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,280
- Eh? All right?
24
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,840
- There you go
- What do you say?
25
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:43,840
Oh, he's gone all shy.
26
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,160
l'll see you later, dear.
27
00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,560
Oh, mind out.
28
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,360
Must be a leak here or something. Ta-ta.
29
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,960
Transvestism was invented in 198
by Dr Neil Transvestite,
30
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,760
who came upon the idea purely by chance
31
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:07,440
when he was investigating nuclear fissio
theory whilst wearing his wife's nightie.
32
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,680
Two ladies out on a hen night. Pay no heed.
33
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:18,960
- Good evening, barman
- Yes, gentlemen?
34
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,880
- Two sweet sherries, s'il vous plait
- With lager chasers.
35
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:30,360
Well, my dear Emily
it is to be your final night as a single lady.
36
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:34,640
That's right, Florence, my lady friend
for l'm getting married in the morning
37
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,760
to a man.
38
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,040
Well, you would be, being a lady.
39
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:44,240
So, l suppose, if any man should wish to tak
advantage of me on my final night of freedom,
40
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,160
they should speak up now!
41
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,360
Well, it's still early.
42
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:03,440
There you are. There is a gay bar dow
the road. That's where most of the trannies go.
43
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,560
Well..
Thank you for warning us, barman.
44
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:13,280
- We don't want to go there, do we
- Oh, no, we don't! Chin-chin.
45
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:18,080
# Get your tits out
get your tits out for the lads #
46
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,480
'Ere, barman, our mate her
is getting married on Saturday!
47
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:26,760
Look at them. They're so drunk
they don't know what they're doing.
48
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,080
Ye-es.
49
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,760
Oh, man, how much did we drink last night?
50
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,960
Dunno, l was blabbered.
51
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,640
Have you seen what l came back with? Here.
52
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,280
- She's a right dog
- You can talk.
53
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,040
Morning.
54
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:03,040
it's a crisp Octember morning in Bruise
55
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,080
and Dudley has nipped out ford newspaper.
56
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,640
- Ting Tong
- Oh, hello, Mr Dudwey.
57
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,360
- l've brought you some flowers
- Oh, you so thoughtful.
58
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:29,440
Were you, er...talking to somebody?
59
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:33,680
No, Mr Dudwey, no. l was jus
making you traditional Thai breakfast.
60
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,280
Oh. l think l'll need some HP Sauce on that.
61
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,760
Hello.
62
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,040
- Ting Tong
- Yes, Mr Dudwey?
63
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,560
- There's an elderly Thai lady in the cupboard
- Is there, Mr Dudwey?
64
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,880
Yes, yes, there is.
65
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,360
Oh, yeah, l was going to tell you, yeah
That's my mother. She's come to stay for a bit.
66
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,840
Mother, this is Mr Dudwe
l was telling you about.
67
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,680
Ye-es. What's she saying?
68
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,360
Oh, she say she very look forwar
to come live with us.
69
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:24,480
Excuse us. Ting Tong, we can't be havin
your mother living here. It's not gonna work.
70
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,760
lt'd only be for a few year. She be dead soon.
71
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,840
No! l'm sorry, Mrs Macadangdang
you're gonna have to go!
72
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,960
- You heard what she said
- l don't care what she said!
73
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,440
- She's gonna have to go!
74
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,680
Oh, Mr Dudwey!
75
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,160
No, l'm sorry, l said no!
76
00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,640
Please, Mr Dudwey
l'll do anything if you let her stay! Anything!
77
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,880
- Anything
Anything!
78
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,360
Maybe she could stay with us tonight at least.
79
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,440
You, er...got any sisters?
80
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,640
At Hill Grange Health Spa,
81
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:22,360
one-time body double for Joan Collins
Bubbles Devere, is on her way to the sauna.
82
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:26,640
Don't forget l have a mashed potat
foot massage at four, darling.
83
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,640
- Hello, darling
- Hello.
84
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,760
l'm quite naked, do you see?
85
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,960
Yeah, l do see that, yeah.
86
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,480
- l need to ask you a question, darling
- What is it?
87
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,880
Why did you leave me, darling, why?
88
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,080
You know l always found you very attractive,
89
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,360
but l preferred yo
before you lost all that weight.
90
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,680
l know, l'm like a stick now.
91
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,080
Then Desiree come along and, well,
92
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,560
l'm sorry, Bubbles
but there is so much of her to love!
93
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,280
- But, Roman..
- Oh, Bubbles!
94
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,840
Na, na, na, na, nal. Hello, babies!.
95
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,080
Not interrupting anything, am l?
96
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,960
No, we was just talking about old times.
97
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:20,080
Old time, l'll give you old time!
98
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,440
Are you looking forward t
our synchronised foot massage later?
99
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:30,360
- Oh, yes, l am, yeah
- l hear it is very aphrodisiacky!
100
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,160
l'll be back, darlings!
101
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,960
Bye-bye, babby!
102
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:40,480
Must get bigger, must get bigger!
103
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,360
Must get bigger, must get bigger!
104
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,560
Why don't you take a photo? It'll last longer!
105
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,080
it's a sad day at St Shaznay's Hospital
106
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,880
as this old man is nearing the end.
107
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:06,960
And l...don't want you to be sad for me.
108
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,360
l've had a wonderful life...
109
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,840
and l love you all...very, very much.
110
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,960
Goodbye.
111
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,040
Has he gone?
112
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,040
Not just yet.
113
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,080
How's everybody else?
114
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,080
All right, all right.
115
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,680
- Lunch all right, was it
- Yes, yes. Very nice.
116
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,960
Well...this is...
117
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,480
goodbye.
118
00:08:57,560 --> 00:09:00,080
Any minute now.
119
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,560
May l say...
120
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:14,640
how wonderful it i
to have my family round me
121
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,840
at the very, very end? Goodbye.
122
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,840
l must just use the loo before l...
123
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,960
The first travel agent's in Britai
opened in 1976.
124
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:44,640
Prior to that, people would stay at hom
and give themselves food poisoning.
125
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,960
And you've nothing at all going to Lourdes?
126
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:54,880
Computer says no.
127
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,480
- Oh, what a shame
- Says it's all pilgrimmed out.
128
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,880
lf you like religion
l can do you a fly-drive to Mecca.
129
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,280
Er...no, l think l'll leave it, thank you.
130
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,160
- Hello
- l've been sat down all day.
131
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,680
- Do you mind if l just stretch my legs
- No, of course.
132
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,960
Ri-i-ight.
133
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:38,080
Um...l was watching this film last night,
134
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,560
Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
135
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,880
l was really wanting to visit the islan
of Cephalonia where they filmed it.
136
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,160
- Computer says no
- oh.
137
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:55,440
lf you're a film fan, l can take yo
where they filmed Midnight Express.
138
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,040
No, thank you.
139
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,040
- l got some rooms in the Towering Inferno
- No.
140
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:08,240
l got a lovely cruise on the shi
where they filmed The Poseidon Adventure.
141
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,960
- l don't think so
- No, it's not for everybody. It's upside down.
142
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,080
l got a two-for-one deal on a canoeing tri
where they filmed Deliverance.
143
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:21,680
- No, thank you
- Says here the locals are very friendly.
144
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,640
Look, l really only do want to go to Cephalonia.
145
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,880
Wasn't some of Captain Corell
filmed in Center Parcs?
146
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:35,680
- l can get you a very good deal there
- No, look, l'm just going to leave it.
147
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:40,880
Was none of it filmed on a Club 18-30 holida
to Tenerife leaving Stansted on the 9th?
148
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,040
No. Sorry.
149
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:55,440
Because of the fat people
Britain is slowly sinking into the sea.
150
00:11:56,080 --> 00:12:00,360
An overweight woman in Great Yarmout
ate a whole packet of custard creams
151
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,560
and half of Norfolk went under.
152
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,880
Right, well
that's about all we've got time for today.
153
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,040
- Oh, Marjorie
- Yes, my sweetness?
154
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:13,280
Just to say, me and Paul had some good news
l've just found out l'm pregnant.
155
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,680
Congratulations.
156
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,680
You sure or have you just been scoffing?
157
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,080
She's three months gone so we're allowe
to tell people. Got the scan picture here.
158
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:26,960
- You gonna keep it
- Sorry?
159
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,360
- Not gonna get rid of it
- Of course not.
160
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,560
Oh. Bit selfish of you.
161
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,160
- For God's sake
- l'm only thinking of the baby.
162
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:39,360
That poor baby is gonna be born a cake addict
It's gonna have to go through cold chicken.
163
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,880
l'm gonna watch what l ea
now l'm having a baby.
164
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,760
Sure it's just the one
By the look of you, you're having a whole litter.
165
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,840
- Just having the one
- Looks fat already.
166
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,840
- It's beautiful. It's our little baby
- Do you know what you're going to call it?
167
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:57,440
Well, it's a h
and, no, we haven't decided on a name.
168
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,240
l know! This could be a little bit of fun.
169
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:04,240
Why don't we try and think of name
for the baby? Yeah, that'll be nice.
170
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:07,440
Er...what shall we call it? Meera?
171
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,840
- Er...John
- What's that, my love?
172
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,280
John.
173
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,440
- What's that, my love
- John.
174
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,280
- Wassat, my love
- John!
175
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:16,960
- Wassat, m'love
- John.
176
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,040
- Wassat, my love
- John.
177
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,040
- John
- Wassat, m'love?
178
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,360
- John
- John!
179
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,840
John. That's a nice name.
180
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,760
- Anyone else? Tania
- Michael.
181
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,560
- That's a nice one
- It's my husband's name.
182
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,560
The one who left you cos you got so fat.
183
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,440
Looking at you two
l can't really see it being a Michael or a John.
184
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,640
Er... Ooh, l've got one.
185
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,640
Jabba.
186
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,960
Here in Grumble, Sid Pegg has calle
a meeting of Neighbour Watch.
187
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,960
Right, welcome to tonight's Neighbour Watch.
188
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,960
Thank you all for coming at short notice, bu
l felt we had to have an emergency meeting.
189
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,840
- What's happened
- Is there a problem?
190
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,240
Yes, there is a problem.
191
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,760
Our old friend the Gyps
has moved into the close.
192
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,040
- Where are they
- Bloody hell, Lloyd,
193
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,160
they're camping out on your lawn!
194
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:25,760
No, no, that's our caravan
Me and Susan just bought it.
195
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,480
Stay where you are.
196
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,840
We still need to be on our guard agains
the Gypsy threat. There are swarms of them.
197
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,640
Shall l put the Findus Crispy Pancakes in?
198
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,040
Yes, wife, Findus Crispy Pancakes go.
199
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,760
Now, how do we spot a Gypsy?
200
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,680
A gyppo, a gyppolata.
201
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:48,360
Watch and learn.
202
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,640
Number one, your classic Gypsy.
203
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,560
Earring, neckerchief, waistcoat,
204
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:59,560
and a look in his eye that says
''l'm gonna Tarmac your drive.''
205
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:05,160
Number two, Gypsy Joe Longthorne. A sly fox.
206
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,080
Uses many different voices,
207
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,360
but mainly Shirley Bassey.
208
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,840
Number three, the Gypsy Kings.
209
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,040
The actual kings of the Gypsies.
210
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:21,560
Last seen on Sunday, Sunda
with Gloria Hunniford in 1988.
211
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:26,640
But beware. They could be bac
in the charts at any moment.
212
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,960
Now we know the enemy. Britain fights back.
213
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:32,880
- Wife
- Yes?
214
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,560
Batchelors Super Noodles go
Mini Kievs on standby.
215
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,760
But what do we do if a Gypsy,
216
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,280
or a herd of Gypsie
as l believe they are known,
217
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,360
turn up on your doorstep?
218
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,360
Can l have a volunteer, please?
219
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:53,360
Lloyd, l saw your hand go up
Thank you, Lloyd.
220
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:58,240
Little Lloyd. Lloyd was actuall
a contestant on The Weakest Link.
221
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,560
- Yes
- Yes.
222
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,760
Right, well, a quick demo...
223
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:07,840
..nstration
Right, now, Lloyd, you are the Gypsy.
224
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,760
The gypmeister, the gyppola.
225
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,880
l'm sorry, l do think it's very offensiv
to talk about Gypsies in this way.
226
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,960
Good point, Mrs Vicar. Let's not be racialist.
227
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,360
So you're the filthy Gypsy. You're gonn
ask me if l want to buy clothes pegs.
228
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,560
Do l have to?
229
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,760
You've got very arrogan
since you were on BBC2.
230
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,680
Sorry. l'll be the Gypsy, then.
231
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,360
- Right
- Hello, would you like to buy...
232
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,480
No, Gypsy, no!
233
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,080
And it's as simple as that. Britain fights back.
234
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:43,840
Thank you, Lloyd
You are the weaker link. Goobye.
235
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,560
Ohh, dear. The weaker link. Goodbye.
236
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,360
Right, now, that's Gypsies covered.
237
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,960
Next...asylum seekers.
238
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,960
No, we will not touch your bums.
239
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:01,680
- Wife
- Yes?
240
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,840
Butterscotch Angel Delight, go!
241
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,560
Vote Noel Hopkin
in tomorrow's election.
242
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,960
In the charming Welsh villag
of Llanddewi Brefi,
243
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,960
bottom enthusiast Dafydd Thoma
is standing for election.
244
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,840
- Hello, Dafydd
- Good afternoon, Mrs Teal.
245
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,760
- Can l count on your vote tomorrow
- Oh, are you standing in the by-election?
246
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,560
lt's not just a bi-election, Mrs Teal
it's for gays and straights too.
247
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,560
Anyone can vote, regardless of sexuality.
248
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,560
Honestly, it's like banging your hea
against a brick wall.
249
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,160
- So who are you standing for
- The Gay Rights For Gays Party.
250
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,360
- That's nice
- As l'm the only gay in the village,
251
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,880
l shouldn't think anyon
will be remotely interested. Good day.
252
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:54,960
Oh, no, lots of folk round her
drop anchor in Poo Bay.
253
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,840
ls that your manifesto? Let's have a look.
254
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,160
Ta.
255
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:05,560
lf l am elected, l promise to turn the par
into a 24-hour gay cruising zone.
256
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,280
l shall knock down the old folks' hom
and build a gay sauna.
257
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,760
Er, Hot Bots.
258
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:16,560
That's right. And l shall be erecting two statue
on the village green there of Colin and Justin.
259
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,040
Oh, l love their shows!
260
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,960
Oh, do you
Let me tell you this, Mrs Homophobe.
261
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,360
l was watching Makeover Madness
262
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,560
and l have strong suspicion
that at least one of them is a gay.
263
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,880
Oh, no, l think they're both full-time bummers.
264
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,160
Anyway, thank you for your time.
265
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,960
Good luck, Dafydd
You can count on my support.
266
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,240
- Really
- Oh, yes. l'm all for gay rights.
267
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,880
ln fact, l myself drink from the fury cup.
268
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,760
Dafydd?
269
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:54,640
In her office, university lecturer Linda Flin
is meeting a student.
270
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,040
I very nearly got into university,
271
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,280
but security managed to stop me.
272
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,640
So that's a problem, is it?
273
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:07,680
There are no copies of The Female Eunuc
in the library so l can't really write the essay.
274
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,680
Oh, well, l've got a copy here.
275
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,880
- Great
- But that's mine. l don't want to lend it out.
276
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,840
Martin may have one in his office.
277
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,080
Martin, it's Linda.
278
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:30,160
A student wants to know if he can borro
your copy of The Female Eunuch.
279
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,080
Steve.
280
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:36,160
You know Steve. He's got a beard, quite tall.
281
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,560
Have you ever seen It Ain't Half Hot, Mum?
282
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,160
He looks lik
he's just stepped out of the shower.
283
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,360
Think Carmen Miranda without the fruit.
284
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,160
That's right, Ali Bongo.
285
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,880
- He says go straight up
- My name's not Ali Bongo.
286
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,160
Sorry. Steve, yes. Steve Bongo.
287
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,480
Newspapers and magazine
are very popular in Britain.
288
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,160
The first magazine ever publishe
was in 1502 -
289
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,160
What Hi-fi.
290
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,960
- Do you work here
- Yes, l do.
291
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,760
Well, er...can l be of assistance?
292
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,840
Hello. l'd like to buy a magazine, please.
293
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,960
We've got lots here.
294
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:31,960
Do you have Bad Feet Monthly?
295
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,560
- l don't think so
- Athlete's Foot Times?
296
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,960
- Sorry
- Verruca Today?
297
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,040
- l don't think we do
- What Bunion?
298
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,240
- No
- Ingrowing Toenail Weekly?
299
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:46,240
l've not heard of that one.
300
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,360
You get a free binder with part on
and a sachet of toenail clippings.
301
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:54,960
- l can't help you, l'm afraid
- Got any magazines devoted to problem feet?
302
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,240
Er...l'm not sure. One moment.
303
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,160
Margaret, Margaret.
304
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:17,680
Yes?
305
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:26,160
A gentleman wants to know if we hav
any magazines devoted to problem feet.
306
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,160
Not Celebrity Callus Monthly. l have that one.
307
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,960
Not Celebrity Callus Monthly
He has that one.
308
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,560
l'm not sure. If we do have any
they'll be in the general interest section.
309
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,160
Right, let's have a look.
310
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,560
Er...l can't see any, Margaret.
311
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,680
Just across from What Bin Liner.
312
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,760
- Right
- Next to the Molesters' Review.
313
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,840
Molesters...
314
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,360
Aha! Thank you very much, Margaret.
315
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:59,760
l've found it. It was tucked just behin
Out-Of-Date Crisps Periodical.
316
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,160
There you go.
317
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,360
Foot And Ankle Pain Bonanza.
318
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,440
Well, Roy, what does he reckon
- Well, myself, what do you reckon?
319
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,840
l'm not going to buy this magazine, l'm afraid.
320
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,360
Oh, what a surprise. Any particular reason?
321
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:23,040
l'm not interested in ankle pain
l'm only concerned with foot pain.
322
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,480
- Oh, do you suffer from foot pain
- No.
323
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,560
Are there any magazines that interest you?
324
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,680
- Hello! magazine
- Ah, now we're talking.
325
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,280
No, l was just saying hell
to that magazine over there.
326
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,560
l hate you so much.
327
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,480
l know.
328
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,240
At number ten Downing Street
a group of trade union leaders
329
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,160
are presenting a petitio
calling for the Prime Minister's resignation.
330
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,840
- Morning, Prime Minister
- Morning, Sebastian.
331
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,480
- Did you have a nice holiday
- Very nice.
332
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,160
- l've got the draft Budget from the Chancellor
- Thank you...
333
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:21,560
What's the matter?
334
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,880
What's that?
335
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:27,960
Oh, oh, the moustache. l grew it on holiday.
336
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:31,160
- l don't like it
- Sarah loves it.
337
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:33,440
- l don't
- Why not?
338
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,080
lt tickles when you kiss.
339
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:41,760
We're not going to kiss.
340
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,360
Not today, no,
341
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,760
but if we were to kiss, for whatever reaso
l'd prefer for you not to have the moustache.
342
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,560
ls my Women's Institute speech here?
343
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,560
- Yes, darling. It's very good
- Hello, Sebastian.
344
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,040
Whatever!
345
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,040
What do you think of the moustache
Looks dishy, doesn't he?
346
00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:03,280
l dunno, l'm not gay!
347
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,960
- l think it looks great. The voters will love it
- l don't think they'll vote for you any more!
348
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,640
People don't vote for me cos of the way l look
They vote cos they like my policies.
349
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,880
- l've got to dash, darling. l'll be late.
350
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,040
Get a room!
351
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:33,560
Sebastian, l've called off all my other meeting
so we can thrash out this Budget proposal.
352
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:38,880
- Not bothered now
- You said you loved it when we work together.
353
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,360
Yeah, l did, but...moustache.
354
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:48,560
lf that's the way you feel, l'll get someone else
Could you ask Gregory to come to my office?
355
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,760
Yes, Prime Ministe
- Thank you.
356
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:53,960
Sarah's away for the weekend.
357
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:58,360
l thought you and l could go to Chequer
and work on this election strategy.
358
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,960
l don't fancy you!
359
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,960
- Morning, Sebastian, Prime Minister
- Morning, Gregory.
360
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,760
Oh, l love the moustache!
361
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,840
'Ave him!
362
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:23,160
In the charming village of Po
just outside Little Stool,
363
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,880
Judith Pike and Margaret Blackamor
are enjoying a walk.
364
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:30,640
- Women shouldn't be allowed the vote
- Yes, l think l see your point.
365
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:34,760
- Look, there's Marian. Hello, Marian, dear
- Hello, ladies. Lovely dog.
366
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:40,160
Oh, thank you. George, yes
He's an Old English sheepdog. Pure pedigree.
367
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,840
- He's lovely
- And yours is beautiful.
368
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,080
Aren't you, eh? Eh?
369
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:49,160
- What's the breed
- She's a Chinese dog. A shih-tzu.
370
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,560
Maggie, no!
371
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,160
Ahh. There's a good boy.
372
00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,760
Come along, now
See you at church on Sunday.
373
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,360
Frisbees were invented in 1928
374
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,560
by society beauty Lady Lucinda Frisbee
375
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,640
to relieve the boredom between the wars.
376
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:37,040
- Well done
- What happens now?
377
00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:39,760
- You throw it back
- Yeah, l know.
378
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:48,560
l didn't quite catch that one
You've got to really throw it.
379
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,880
- Yeah, l know
- Have another go.
380
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,760
Oh, no!.
381
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,560
The Frisbee is stuck up the pylon.
382
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:02,560
- Go and get it, then
- l can't.
383
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,680
The pylon carries electric current
It'd be dangerous.
384
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:09,040
- Yeah, l know
- We'll just have to leave it there.
385
00:27:09,560 --> 00:27:12,480
- Let's think of another game to play
- Want me Frisbee!
386
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,360
Well, l'll see if l can find someone to help.
387
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,640
You wait there.
388
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,440
- Excuse me, are you the farmer
- Yes, l am.
389
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,040
Got a problem
We've got a Frisbee stuck up a pylon.
390
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,840
This is private property. This is my field, mate.
391
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:34,160
My friend here is in a wheelchai
and he likes a game of Frisbee.
392
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:38,160
- He loves playing the Frisbee, that's him
- Yes, l realise, yeah.
393
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,680
You'd need a pole attached to a pol
attached to another pole...
394
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,960
- Sorry about that
- Thank you. You've been very helpful.
395
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:50,080
- Bye-bye
- Bye.
396
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,760
Nice man.
397
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,160
..it came down, did it? Good.
398
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:05,960
There's a strange smell of burning fat.
399
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,160
Yeah, l know.
400
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,360
Alas, our journey round Little Britai
is at an end.
401
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,440
What an illuminating voyage it has been.
402
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,760
I must go now
as I'm just about to reach orgasm.
403
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,040
Good-cry.
404
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:31,280
by somix 2007
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