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1
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,320
There's so much to see and do here.
2
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,720
Why not get stuck
in the one-way system in Birmingham,
3
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,520
or get caught up in a fight
in a pub car park in Swansea?
4
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:19,040
Or why not get food poisoning from
a motorway service caf� just outside Stoke?
5
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:22,920
But our greatest attraction
is the people of Britain.
6
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,720
Hip hop, don't stop!
7
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,840
it's early late afternoon morning,
and this is the office of PR guru Cliff Maxford.
8
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:39,440
Take a seat.
9
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,920
Now, l've spoken to the News Of The World
and they are very interested in your story.
10
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:45,440
What 'appened?
11
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,640
What happened was l met these footballers
and got totally roasted.
12
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:50,800
A thousand hundred pounds, please.
13
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:54,120
Of course we need to establish
this is a genuine story.
14
00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:56,320
Now, let's start at the beginning.
15
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,400
We was all at this club, Chinese Whites
16
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,800
There were famous people
like Dean Gaffney and Jodie Marsh
17
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,800
and thingy, that professor Stephen Hawkins and
it was amazing, l was well the fittest girl there.
18
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,840
And the people came in from Coronation Street
and they tried to do me.
19
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,240
Even that Chesney
tried to stick his tongue down me.
20
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,800
l'm not a slag, or nuffin.
l wanna find a life partner,
21
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,600
cos l've already had six kids
by seven different blokes.
22
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,400
- Where did you meet the footballers?
- l'm getting there!
23
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,640
l was just about to say it, if you had just waited.
24
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,200
Then the footballers came in
or somethin' or nuffin from the clubs
25
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,200
Like Tottenham and Chelsea Park Rangers,
26
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:28,000
They like really wanted to do me,
but l was wearing this short skirt
27
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so they could all see my strawberry Mivvi.
28
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,040
Wh-what happened next?
29
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,240
Then the footballers took me to
this expensive hotel called Travelodge,
30
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:41,440
and l thought it was to talk about football,
but l ended up doing sex with them.
31
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,120
Afterwards l felt really used,
cos l thought they loved me.
32
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,800
Have you got any photographic evidence?
33
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,520
No, but, yeah, but, no, but yeah
but l actually have actually so shut up!
34
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,800
Because this is a actual photo from it.
35
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:57,040
There's me there actually doing it with all of
'em. l'm so degraded. l'm used. l'm dirty.
36
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,920
lt was rubbish, anyway,
cos they all had well tiny knobs.
37
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,200
Vicky, l'm not sure this story's gonna stick.
38
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,520
Oh my god! l so can't believe you just said that.
39
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,920
l'm like well gonna be the new Abby Titchmarsh.
40
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,920
- Please, Vicky, l'm a very busy man.
- Tsk. Oooh.
41
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,120
Come back when you've got a better story.
42
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,320
- Yes?
- l've done a gangbang with G4.
43
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,520
it's a quarter to Gino Gianelli and Lou
has been out shopping for his friend Andy.
44
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,200
Oh, hello. l've just been out shoppin'.
45
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,720
Oh dear, let me help you.
46
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,520
lt's not for me. It's for a disabled man.
47
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:47,840
Come on, yellow truck.
48
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,320
- Mornin', Andy.
- Mornin', Len.
49
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,240
- Lou.
- Yeah, l know.
50
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,320
- l got all your shopping for ya.
- Did you get me Razzle?
51
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,240
Yes...
52
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:05,440
l don't want you to spend the whole day
looking at pictures of naked ladies.
53
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,400
l want that one and that one.
54
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:12,320
We'd all like a go
on a nice naked lady, yes...
55
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:15,120
No, l want that one and that one.
56
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,440
- You want breasts?
- Yeah.
57
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,200
- You want a breast enlargement operation?
- Yeah.
58
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,720
- Why?
- Something to play with.
59
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,520
l'm not sure that's a good idea.
60
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,240
l want tits.
61
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:33,120
lt'd be a right kerfuffle. And anyway,
l thought you were against plastic surgery.
62
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,720
You said that cosmetic enhancement
was symptomatic of a sick society
63
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,120
that worships the cult of youth and beauty,
64
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,920
meanwhile seeking the quick fix
of physical change was left morally wanting.
65
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,120
- Yeah, l know.
- Well, then...
66
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:49,040
- l want tits, though.
- Oh, God of Love.
67
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,240
l look a pillock.
68
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:14,240
Our next stop is at this charming restaurant
just off the A27390938662...
69
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,920
..five.
70
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,920
The reason l've bought you here today,
is because one of our patients, Anne...
71
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:24,000
Have you met Anne?
Have you? Yes.
72
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,640
Well, she's got herself a job here as a pianist.
73
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,800
lt's just a part-time job but she does find
playing the piano to be very calming.
74
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,720
lt must be one of her own compositions.
75
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,520
Oh, careful. There's a slipper in your soup.
76
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,120
Thank you very much,
you've been a wonderful audience.
77
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,000
Holidays can be booked
at travel agents line this.
78
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,520
The word "holiday"
is derived from the Greek word "holidius"
79
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,520
which directly translates
as, "sex with coach driver",
80
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,720
Could l just finish my coffee?
81
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:41,120
- Yes... Yes.
- Sue, can you make me a cup of coffee?
82
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,040
That was foul. Do take a seat.
83
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,640
We... We've got our golden wedding anniversary
coming up.
84
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,840
Yes. We'll have been married
50 years in August.
85
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,200
We've been saving up
and we've always promised ourselves a cruise.
86
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,320
Er, maybe something with Saga.
87
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,840
- Computer says no.
- oh.
88
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,640
Gets booked up early, you see...
Old people.
89
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,200
l've got another option. P&O.
90
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,920
- Ooh!
- Where does that go?
91
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:34,320
Dover to Calais.
92
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,000
No. We're looking for a proper cruise.
93
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,240
- l've got a good deal here.
- Yes?
94
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:46,120
The Russian cargo vessel
taking nuclear waste to the Baltic.
95
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,400
Well l-l really don't fancy that.
96
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,040
All the pickled herring you can eat.
97
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,440
- No!
- No...
98
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,200
Do you have to be in a cruise ship,
or could you be in a canoe?
99
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,040
We're not keen on canoeing.
100
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:05,200
Shame. l've got some great deal here
on adventure holidays
101
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,840
Are you under 16?
102
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,240
No.
103
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,520
- No.
- We'll leave it then.
104
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,640
- Thank you.
105
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,520
Can you put your hands over your mouth
when you cough, please? That's disgusting.
106
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,920
- Sorry.
107
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,600
Trivial Pursuit is Britain's
second most popular board game.
108
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:31,920
After Poke Mummy.
109
00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:36,120
People and places. Ooh!
This is an 'ard one for you.
110
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:42,120
Who replaced Lord Carrington as Britain's
foreign secretary during the Falklands War?
111
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,640
Fwancis Pimm.
112
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:48,000
Correct. How did you know that?
113
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,720
ln my little village of Pong Pong,
we do have plenty newspaper.
114
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,400
Yes, well, a piece of pie for you.
115
00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:00,800
- Pink.
- Ooh. You'll never get this one.
116
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:05,200
What was BBC Breakfast fitness queen,
Diana Moran, better known as?
117
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,240
- l used to have a thing for her.
- The Gween Goddess.
118
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,520
- Another go.
- Hang on a sec.
119
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,800
lf you only lived in Pong Pong, Ting Tong,
how did you know about The Green Goddess?
120
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,440
Um... Well...
121
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,600
Where exactly are you from, Ting Tong?
122
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,400
Ting Tong from Tooting.
123
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,040
Tooting, Ting Tong? Not Pong Pong?
124
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,120
Tooting, not Pong Pong for Ting Tong.
125
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,800
Lies... Lies upon lies upon deceit upon lies.
126
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,800
- l'm sorry, Mr Dudwee.
- Come on, get out. Get out of my flat.
127
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,000
- But Mr Dudwee...
- That's it. Pack your bags.
128
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:41,440
l want you out!
129
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,920
Is that it, then?
Six wonderful days over just like that?
130
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,120
- Yes. Over.
- Is there nothing l can do?
131
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,120
Nothing. Nothing at all.
132
00:08:54,720 --> 00:09:00,120
Hello. l Gween Goddess.
l here to get you up in the mornin'.
133
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,400
Oh, God.
134
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:10,920
- You...still want me go?
- Not just yet.
135
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,520
First... Let's go do warm-up.
136
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,600
It's half-past Top Cat, the indisputable boss cat,
137
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:25,600
and MP Sir Norman Fry
is once again facing the press.
138
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,640
l have a statement l would like to read.
139
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,040
''On Monday night,
following a long meeting with the Chancellor,
140
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:38,240
''l needed to go to the toilet, so l went to one
l knew would be open at three in the morning.
141
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:39,920
''On Hampstead Heath.
142
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:46,320
''Upon my arrival, l met two men,
Carlos and Eduardo,
143
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:51,520
''who invited me into their cubicle
to talk to them about government policy.
144
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:56,320
''Unfortunately, l slipped on the wet floor
145
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,200
''and became sandwiched between the two men.
146
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,800
''ln a position that the arresting officer
informed me is known as a spit roast.''
147
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,120
As far as l am concerned
that is the end of the matter.
148
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,520
Oh, and by the way, Carlos,
if you've had the X-ray and found my watch,
149
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,800
please do return it to me.
150
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,600
lt belonged to my late father. Thank you.
151
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,240
lt was a special birthday...
152
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,800
These are amongst
the few fat people left in Britain
153
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,640
after her Majesty the Queen
ordered a cull in her jubilee year.
154
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,320
God bless you, ma'am,
155
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,440
..try something new, dust on a stick.
156
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:42,720
Now, you may have noticed
that we have a new face in our midssst.
157
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:49,920
He is a new member
and he is actually a very famous act-or.
158
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:56,000
Now, we've had a word, he wants to lose a few
pounds but he don't wanna be treated different.
159
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,720
So, will you please welcome from EastEnders,
Charlie Slater.
160
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,120
Thank you.
161
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:08,800
Oh, sorry. l called you Charlie, didn't l?
What's your real name, my sweet?
162
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:12,320
- Derek. Derek Martin.
- So, Charlie, welcome to the group.
163
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,720
- Hello.
- Hello.
164
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:18,720
Stop bothering him.
Honestly, he's not even one of the main ones.
165
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,520
So, Charlie, what we do with all new members
is we weigh them.
166
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,320
Do you just wanna
pop on the scales for me, my love?
167
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,720
Yeah.
168
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,720
(Sings EastEnders theme tune)
169
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:33,920
No, don't. Cos he's not here cos of that.
He's here cos he's very fat.
170
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,320
So let's not embarrass him. No.
171
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,920
So, you are...
172
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:42,000
Actually, l must just ask you...
l never watch it myself...
173
00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,520
But what's gonna happen with Kat and Alfie?
174
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,600
ls their marriage gonna survive the affair?
Is he gonna leave?
175
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,400
l'm just here really
to try and lose some weight.
176
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,400
Yeah, cor! He's on telly. Get over it!
177
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:59,040
l know what it's like being famous. l've actually
been in the audience on The Wright Stuff.
178
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,120
So, we are 16 stone 5.
179
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:06,000
You know, that surprises me, because
you're fat but on telly you look really fat.
180
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,720
- Really grotesque.
- Thanks very much.
181
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:10,720
My pleasure. Off you pop.
182
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,920
Give 'im room.
183
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,320
Now, today, we are gonna
be looking at calorie hotsp...
184
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,640
l must ask. Have you got
Nigel Harman's phone number for me?
185
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,040
l don't think Nigel would want me to give it.
186
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:27,320
Cor, Nigel Harman, eh, girl?
Hey? Phwoar! We like a bit of Nigel, don't we?
187
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,040
Phwoar! l would let him do
some really grim stuff to me. Eh?
188
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,640
Nigel Harman, yeah? Nigel, yeah?
We like a bit of Nigel, don't we?!
189
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,520
Yeah! Nigel! Nigel! Yeah! Nigel!
190
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,520
Meera probably doesn't have a clue
what l'm talking about.
191
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,120
Yes. EastEnders. l love it.
192
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,840
No, l can't... Do it again.
193
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,520
- l love it.
- Nah, do it again.
194
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,800
- l love it.
- Do it again.
195
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,240
- l love it!
- Oh, ri... No. Do it again.
196
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,320
- l love it!
- Who hasn't heard of it?
197
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,040
EastEnders, Meera.
It's like the Mahabharat, only shorter.
198
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:05,320
So, the thing about... Actually, l must just ask.
What happens to Mo in the end?
199
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,120
- l don't know what you mean.
- What happens in the end?
200
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:12,000
- l don't know. We're not told that.
- Oh. What happens to Pauline in the end?
201
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,000
- l don't know.
- What happens to Phil?
202
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,400
- l don't know.
- What happens to Dot in the end?
203
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,320
Look, these things haven't been decided yet.
204
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,320
No, but what happens to lan in the end.
205
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,320
There isn't really an end.
It just kinda carries on.
206
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,240
What happens to Sonia in the end?
207
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,200
l don't know. l don't know what happens
to any of these people.
208
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,840
Stop asking me what happens
to them in the end!
209
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:34,720
- What happens to Pat in the end?
- Look, l'm sorry.
210
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,800
l've just come here to lose weight.
211
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:40,120
l didn't mean it to be a whole thing
about being in EastEnders.
212
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,240
l've obviously made a mistake.
l'm sorry. All right?
213
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,640
- (Mimics EastEnders drums at end of episode)
- Give it a rest.
214
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,120
Shame on you.
215
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,400
# Happy birthday to you... #
216
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,920
in Slut, Letty Bell is celebrating her birthday.
217
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,920
Loon at them. What d lot of old trouts.
218
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:17,200
Ah, lovely froggy cake, as well.
Shame to cut it, really.
219
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,600
We know you love your froggies.
220
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:23,440
Ooh, l love me froggies, me.
l don't know why but l do.
221
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,320
Actually, all of us clubbed together
to get something special.
222
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,800
Ooh, something special.
Special something. What's that then?
223
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,440
Ohhh, that's a big one!
224
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,520
What is it?
225
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,600
Open it and find out.
226
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,000
Yeah, l'll find out when l open it. Yeah.
227
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,120
- What's that?
- It's a real frog!
228
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,120
It won't hurt you.
- There's nothing to be scared of.
229
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:55,440
Look, he's lovely.
Go on, give him a stroke.
230
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,800
Argh! It bit me!
It bit me with its sharp frog teeth!
231
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,320
Get it out! Get it out of the house!
232
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,120
We have to take it back.
233
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:10,720
l thought she liked them.
234
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:11,920
Keep back!
235
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,920
Help yourself to cake.
236
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,800
Still, lovely froggy wrapping paper.
237
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,920
l can use that again.
238
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,200
At Hill Grange Health Spa
239
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:45,320
former Miss Botswana Desiree Devere
is relaxing after her fried onion foot scrub.
240
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:51,040
Oh, hasn't that Victoria Beckham put on weight?
She looks grotesque!
241
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:59,840
What l'm using is a green algae mask,
because your skin is quite sensitive.
242
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,840
Yeah, that's lovely. It's re...very soothing.
243
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,120
Everythin' all right, Gita?
244
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,240
(Fake Korean accent) Oh, yes!
Everything's fine, darling... l mean, Mr Devere.
245
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,320
And now, l give you massage.
246
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,600
No, thanks, Gita.
l'll just have the facial today.
247
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,120
Oooh. That's very intimate.
248
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,000
Do you like?
249
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:31,440
Yeah... Oooh. Very pleasurable.
250
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:42,800
Oooh, yeah. The best.
Do l have to pay extra for this?
251
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,040
No, no. It's all part of the service.
252
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:51,840
Ooh. You're bigger than you look, Gita.
253
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,120
You always liked me on top,
didn't you, darling?
254
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,200
Yeah, l... Ooh.
255
00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,400
- Bubbles!
- Hello, darling.
256
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,920
Bubbles, you gotta stop! Quite soon...
257
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,320
- Bubby, what are you doing, bubby?
- Hello, darling.
258
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,720
- It's not what it looks like.
- Get off him, you Jezebel!
259
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,800
Oh, don't worry. l'm going.
260
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:18,720
Hope l haven't spoiled your honeymoon,
darlings.
261
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,320
How could you do this to me, bubby,
with your ex wife?
262
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,320
l was tricked into it.
l'm completely innocent.
263
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,120
ls that what you want?
To get back with that harlot?
264
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,200
No, no, honestly.
l hated every minute of it.
265
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,520
Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di!
266
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,200
Naughty!
267
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,520
Our next stop on our journey
is this supermarket,
268
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:56,400
situated in the ancient Roman city
of Break Dance II, Electric Boogaloo.
269
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,320
Excuse me...
270
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,200
Yeah?
271
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,720
- Are you Orville?
- Yeah.
272
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,600
Can l have your autograph, please?
273
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,320
- Er, yeah... Um... Have you got a pen?
- Yeah.
274
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,120
- Sorry, who's it to?
- It's me. John.
275
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,320
- So, we, where's Keith Harris, then?
- l don't know.
276
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:29,120
lt'd be funny if he was here.
277
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:33,440
Yeah, it's work. We don't spend every minute
of the day together. We have our own lives too.
278
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,920
- He's very funny.
- Yeah, yeah. He's a really funny guy...
279
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,640
You working on anything together
at the moment?
280
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,320
No. We're sort of having a sabbatical
at the moment.
281
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,000
l'm tying to concentrate
on straight acting.
282
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,720
l'm actually going up for a part
in The Bill next week.
283
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,400
- Oh right.
- Yeah. It's a one-off. A racist copper.
284
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:55,120
- Oh, good luck with that.
- Cheers.
285
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,840
Sorry, before l go...
You must get this all the time.
286
00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,720
Could you do Keith's voice for me?
287
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:04,320
l'm just out shopping today. l don't really want
to sort of draw attention to myself.
288
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,600
Yeah, l'm sorry. l'll let you get on.
289
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,920
OK. Cheers.
290
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,920
Oik, Orville! Where's Keith?
291
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,120
Oh, for God's sake.
292
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:23,520
At this restaurant in Upper Gonad,
couple Pat and Don are ordering a meal.
293
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:29,120
An onion bhaji, please.
That is quite mild, isn't it?
294
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:32,520
- Yes. And for sir?
- l'll have a pint of curry powder, please.
295
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,400
- Don, no.
- All right. l'll have the chicken Jalfrezi.
296
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,120
But can you have it spicy, please?
l do like it spicy.
297
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,120
- Service is slow today.
- Yeah. l'm not coming here again.
298
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,520
- Ah, here he is.
- About time.
299
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,640
Sorry for the delay.
300
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,320
Mmm. Mine's lovely. How's yours?
301
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,600
# Godzilla do doodle do
Goodwill do doodle do, Goodwill do'doodle do
302
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,040
# and Godzooky #
303
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,600
(French accent) The Fallen Madonna
with the big boobies.
304
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,040
Monkey!
(American accent) Run the reins! Now!
305
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:14,920
Mr Spencer!
306
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,000
Very flat, Norfolk.
What do you take me for? A fool?
307
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,520
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Barbara Dickson.
308
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,720
# Whoah, Body-form, Body-form for comfort
309
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:30,720
# Body-form for comfiness, Bodyform for you #
310
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,120
lt's not spicy at all.
# Oh, Macarena #
311
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,920
The current Prime Minister, Michael Stevens,
is proving very popular the polls.
312
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:51,120
Almost as popular as our previous leader,
General Udo Mbego.
313
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:01,520
- It's just so humiliating for me.
- l know, darling. l'm so sorry.
314
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,640
Well, l suppose it was going to come out
sooner or later.
315
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,200
Look, tomorrow it'll just be old news.
316
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,920
Let's put a statement through
the press secretary, saying it's private.
317
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,120
Sarah, we're gonna get through this together.
318
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:24,120
- Morning, Prime Minister.
- Ooh. Hi, Sebastian.
319
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,520
Just a little upset here.
320
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:42,120
Your car's here.
321
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,600
l'd better dash. l'm due in court.
322
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:49,720
Yes. Good luck, darling.
323
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:01,520
So, er, Sebastian.
l suppose you've heard the news.
324
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:06,320
Yeah, and l bought the book. l mean, as if you'd
have an affair with the old education secretary.
325
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,320
Look at her. She's a right dawg.
326
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,520
- Sebastian.
- This is my favourite bit.
327
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,920
''Michael gazed at me from across the room
at the party conference."
328
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,720
''20 minutes later, our bodies were united
in passionate, political union.''
329
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,000
Lying cow!
- It's true.
330
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,840
We were both young MPs,
both far away from home.
331
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,120
Sarah and l had had our problems
and one thing led to another.
332
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,600
What?
333
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:39,600
lt finished a long time ago. Sarah's known about
it for years. We've accepted it and moved on.
334
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,240
Just when did you think
you were gonna tell me?
335
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,720
- Sebastian, it's none of your business.
- You're still seeing her.
336
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,240
Oh, don't be silly.
337
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,600
l can smell her. You wait till l'm gone
and then you have her.
338
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:53,920
You have her on this couch.
339
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,920
Like this, is it?
Oooh! Give it to me! Hey?
340
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,400
Or is it like this? Oooh! That's deep!
341
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,200
Do you laugh about me when you are together,
do you? Ha ha ha?
342
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,240
lt finished 15 years ago.
343
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,320
Prove it. Have her killed.
344
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,720
You're the Prime Minister. One call will do it.
345
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,440
lt's the only way l'll know
she means nothing to you.
346
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,000
MI5, Sue speaking,
347
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:25,120
- l'm so sorry, l've got the wrong number.
- No bother. Goodbye.
348
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,400
- Come now, Sebastian.
- Just tell me why. What did l do wrong?
349
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,240
What can't l give you?
350
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,320
Now, look. This book's gonna give me
a rough ride for the next week.
351
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,000
l need people around me
who can help me through it.
352
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,640
Now, if you can't, l'll find someone who can.
353
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,040
- OK?
- Yeah, fine.
354
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,320
The German Chancellor is here.
- Thank you.
355
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,240
Would you like to show him in, Sebastian?
356
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,720
Hi. Slut's over there.
357
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:02,520
Donkey hospice?
358
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,720
Our next stop
is the southern town of Aching Balls.
359
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,520
Donkey hospice. Money for the donkey hospice.
360
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,840
- Thank you.
- My father had a donkey.
361
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,920
Oh, did he? Some stickers for you.
362
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,920
There we are... And one for you.
363
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,200
The donkeys will be very pleased. Thank you.
364
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:24,400
Donkey hospice!
365
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:29,920
in the village of Pox,
Maggie is delivering the parish newsletter.
366
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,720
- Hello, Maggie.
- Hello, Judy.
367
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,120
- l've got the new parish newsletter for you.
- Oh, thank you very much.
368
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,920
l would ask you in,
but l'm a little busy at the moment.
369
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:42,920
My daughter's here with her fianc�.
370
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,720
- Oh! Well l'd love to meet him.
- Yes. l'm not sure that's a good idea.
371
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,120
But he sounds so wonderful. You told me
he went to Cambridge and he's now a barrister.
372
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:56,800
- Yes... Um... Well, come in, then.
- Oh, thank you.
373
00:24:57,600 --> 00:24:59,320
We're just in the drawing room.
374
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:05,600
Er... Olivia, you know.
375
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,320
- Hello.
- Hello!
376
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,400
Pleased to meet you. l'm James.
377
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:14,400
Yes.
Lovely to meet you.
378
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,520
Did Mummy tell you?
We're getting married in August.
379
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,120
l really must deliver
the he's-black newsletters, so...
380
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,720
- Do stay for a cup of tea.
- And you must have one of these.
381
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,120
- They're delicious.
- Oh, thank you.
382
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:34,400
Mmm. Your mother's fruit cake is legendary.
383
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:39,440
Actually, my mother made it.
Let me get you some tea.
384
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,120
- You all right?
385
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,040
Oh, no, Maggie. Please.
386
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,520
We've just had the carpet shampooed.
387
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,040
Now, do you take...
388
00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:13,600
- sugar?
- Actually, l really must deliver these.
389
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,640
Lovely to have met you. Goodbye. Goodbye.
390
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,320
Good-bye!
391
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,520
Meanwhile, Lou has pawned his shoes
to take Andy on a day trip.
392
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,520
Did you enjoy our little trip to Legoland?
393
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,720
Nah. It was all just Lego.
394
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,600
Oh, well. l'm sorry. l did say.
395
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,800
- What time is it?
- It's 4:30.
396
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,120
We're gonna miss
Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.
397
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,320
There's not a lot l can do.
l don't want to break the speed limit.
398
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:44,920
Faster!
399
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:48,640
l thought you didn't like
Dogtanian And The Three Muskehounds.
400
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:52,800
l thought you said the Dumas's classic characters
and their canine counterparts
401
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,440
- were decidedly lacklustre.
- Yeah, l know.
402
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,920
Well, l promise l'll get you home in time
for Josh's Giants.
403
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,520
- Dogtanian!
- Oh, dear.
404
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,920
- Faster! Faster!
405
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,240
l'm going faster. l'm doing 80.
406
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:10,920
- Oh, no! PC Plod.
407
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:13,920
Oh, no!.
408
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,720
Yes. l will pull over, sir. Yes.
409
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,000
He doesn't look happy.
He's got a right cob on.
410
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,920
Step out of the vehicle, please, sir.
411
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:33,320
l'm very sorry, Mr Policeman, sir.
412
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,440
Right. l'd like your full name, please.
413
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:38,120
lt's Louis Bob Todd.
414
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,320
You have any idea
how fast you were driving, sir?
415
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:46,320
l'm very sorry, Mr Policeman.
l've got a friend here who's in a wheelchair...
416
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:57,120
Tonight's episode of Little Britain was
a tribute to Matt Lucas and David Williams.
417
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,920
Who are sadly still with us.
418
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:04,120
Our thoughts are with their friends and family
at this difficult time.
419
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,240
Goodbye.
420
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:21,040
by somix 2007
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