All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s03e09.eng

Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for
www.addic7ed.com

For the past few years, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a
series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing.
Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to The Ricky
Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant...
Hello.

And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is... Karl Pilkington.

Right.

Let's accept, right,
that at some point,

about 13, 14 billion years
ago, there was nothing.

There was no space for
there nothing to be in.

There was no darkness,
no light, no, nothing.

Okay, literally
nothing, except...

What is nearly a point
in space that contained

everything in the
known universe, okay?

Suddenly, that...

Exploded and in a
matter of minutes,

the universe was pretty
much as it is now.

And in all the debris,
in all the dust,

things started to cling together,
one of which was the Earth.

Can I have Karl pick up
the story from there?

Um, probably nothing
for quite a bit.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Just sort of floated about.
Yeah.

But it wasn't causing a problem
cause it wasn't annoying anyone.

No. No. See we don't get a
chance of that these days.

You pop something down, someone
says move that.

Dangerous, what is it?

- Yeah.
- Back then, nothing.

So it's hanging around and...

If you leave something somewhere,
something will sit on it.

Right.

Okay. If you leave something
somewhere, something will sit on it.

Yeah. Yeah, something, something
had to sort of happen, didn't it?

I tell you what it's like.
Go on.

In the same way, uh,
penicillin happened. Go on.

Go on.

It was, the bread was sat there.
It goes off. RICKY: Hmm.

Air would have, uh,
created the greenness.

Oh God, this sounds
like the Bible.

That is, that is like the Bible,
"Air created the greenness."

That's amazing. Oh God.
Carry on, carry on.

Cause I wanna, I'm, I mean, I'm
learning here, I'm learning.

And once you've
got something that leads to otherness.

This is like, this is like a monk,

so he sat down.

Oh, that's amazing. We all sat cross-legged
listening to the wise old man.

Yeah, I know. What
are you gonna do?

"I'm gonna write a thing
about everything was created."

Well, hang on, carry on, cause
I'm interested. Really? Yeah.

So where are we? So we've got, so we've got,
we had greenness and now we've got something?

So the air created the greenness
and then, what is it?

Then we have, what was...
Otherness. KARL: Just otherness.

From the greenness.
Because once you've got, once you've got...

From greenness comes otherness.

Once you've got one
thing, others come.

Yes. The air created the greenness,
then you got otherness.

If you create something, others will come.
Oh...

"Build it and
they will come."

But he's sort of,
he's sort of right...

Yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm not saying
greenness, but take me, take me on...

Continue this, this, this story,
cause this is fascinating.

So what, we are
we now then? What...

If I was to stand on the earth at this
moment in time, what would I see?

Um, not that much.
You wouldn't wanna stay.

But there's greenness.

Little, little patches
of greenness.

Little patches of
greenness, okay.

Little bit of rubble
knocking around.

Barney. You have
rubble, there's a bit of rubble, okay.

Um... We've still got a long way to go.
We wanna get to life.

Don't we?
So, let's...

Skip forward, Karl, to life.

So, so, so
everything was right, okay?

It was the right distance
from the sun, okay.

- Yeah but even if it wasn't, we'd have...
- It has weight...

We would still
have been created.

No, we wouldn't have. We would.
Something would have done.

No, we wouldn't have.

I want to hear Karl's
opinion on this, Rick.

I am not interested in facts.
I want to hear Karl's opinion.

So, are you saying, um,
if, if the atmosphere...

Right, around the earth,
wasn't about 99%

nitrogen oxygen with
1% other gases,

we'd have still had
something else?

Something that would
have been around.

What would it have been? I'm not saying
it might, it might be better than us,

it might be worse than us.
What would it look like?

Um, well, it's, it's hard to say,
because they say, don't they,

that it's the conditions that
mold ya into the shape and color.

Sure.
Mmm-hmm.

And, uh, you know, everything else...
that makes you the person that you are.

Okay, let's take Pluto,
we know that's the farthest away.

- So, it's, it is dark and cold there.
- Right.

What, how do imagine the creatures
that will develop there? Will...

Big eyes and hairy.

But how did they evolve?
How did they evolve, though?

Because we evolve, hang on.
cause they can't just...

You always say animals change to
suit the conditions. What? Yeah.

I'd have thought if there it's
dark, you don't need eyes.

Because things that live underground or
at the bottom of the ocean, they don't...

They don't have, uh, eyes or, or
color, cause there's no point.

Yeah, but what I'm talking about...
Are we saying we're living inside Pluto?

Or on the top of it,
like we do here?

Why would we live inside Pluto?

There's no, it couldn't support
life full stop.

But, but, um, this is one of the most
ridiculous conversations we've ever had.

He's seriously considering whether
he'd live inside or outside Pluto.

Cause everything's based on
a ridiculously false premise.

No. We're saying now that the world's overcrowded.
Karl, listen. Right.

There's too many people on it.
Right.

We're running out of houses.

People are
living in basements.

Now that's only one step away
from, from being moleish.

From being moleish.

We're already going underground
because we're running out of space.

We're being
moleish. Yeah.

Okay, right. Come on, keep going,
let him, I wanna hear his point.

Is that like
being Amish?

So what
you're saying is...

Moleish people, they don't acknowledge
that the crust of the earth?

So you're saying,
within five years...

There's gonna be sort of mole-like people
living in basement flats with no eyes?

But hold on, though, in your,
in your, according to you...

The lower they go, the
colder and darker they go,

the hairier and better
eyes they'll have?

Uh, well it depends.
Now, I was only saying...

They'd have better eyes if they were on
a dark planet where they're outside.

So they still have to look out for
things that they could trip over.

If we go, if we go, if
we're going underground...

Sole concern.
Yeah.

That's the whole evolution...
We don't wanna trip over.

I don't want to graze my knees.

You've got knees. They've got them on earth.
Coincidence, isn't it?

Hub, hub.

Do you recycle?

Don't really do all,
I don't separate stuff.

I don't sort of put...
There's the cans, there's, there's the paper.

You don't do that?
You just throw it away, do you?

Yeah.
Oh, that's bad...

That annoys me. That annoys me when
you just put it in a landfill, mate.

Come on.
Yeah.

But I haven't got all the bins.
That annoys me...

There isn't enough room for all the bins.
Yeah we have to do...

You've got a recycle box
you stick outside. Yeah.

- What are you on about?
- Recycle box, yeah.

I haven't gone one.
Well, no, you gotta, you gotta ask for one.

I tried to get rid of
a, um, a sofa, right.

I was getting a new
sofa, had the old one.

You try and get rid one of
them, it's murder. Right?

I called up the council and said, "I
wanna get rid of it."

They said, "We're not coming
round there till Friday."

It was like a Monday. I said, "It's
in the way so I'll put it outside."

They said, "You put it
outside, you'll get a fine."

I said, "Yeah, but you don't know
where I'm gonna put it outside."

Yeah. No.
"It's not outside my house."

So they said, "Well you do that,
we've got your number now..."

"What's
the sofa like?"

"It's a beige one."

"Well if we see
that, right..."

So, um, they said,

"If you, if you wanna pay to have it collected,
we can come get it tomorrow, 30 quid."

I said, "I'm not paying
for it. That's madness."

So hung up, annoyed.

Called me dad up.

He said, "Oh I saw this
thing on the telly..."

"Saying that you can donate your furniture
to people that haven't got a sofa."

"Look it up on
the Internet."

So I looked it up, there's
a firm that does it.

Right.

Uh, right cheeky
sorts. Called em up.

I said, "I got this sofa
here."

"I wanna donate it to someone
who hasn't got a sofa."

They said, "Um, what's it like?"

"Is it in good
condition?"

"Yeah, it's all
right, yeah."

"Well, why are you
getting rid of it?"

I said, "Because we've moved
into a bit of a bigger place",

and the sofa looks
daft in the corner.

""It's too small, so I'm getting a bigger one.
There's nothing wrong with it."

"How big is it? How many
people does it sit?"

Said, "Depends how big you are."

"You can sit two people on it but it's not
the comfiest, but it's in good condition."

"I's none of your nonsense like stuff.
It was expensive when I bought it."

He said, "Right."
He said, uh, "Is it safe?"

I said, "What
do you mean?"

He said, "Is it fag proof?"

So I said,
"I don't smoke."

He said, "Well and go get
the, um, lift the thing up."

He's got me running around looking at
me sofa when all, I'm giving it away.

Had to lift it up, it had
a picture of a fag on it.

I said "Yeah, it's got a
picture of a fag on it."

Uh, hang on. And could
I just point out, uh...

A fag is a slang for cigarette.

When he says,
"Is it fag proof?"

He's not gonna open the cushion
and someone's gonna go...

"Yoo-hoo, it's me.
Ha, ha, oh..."

So I should explain
that straightaway.

So anyway, turned
out it was fag proof.

They came, picked
it up, took it away.

Uh, that was that, but look at the hassle.

Look at the hassle it takes
to get rid of something.

And then they say to you, "Do not
be dumping stuff on the street."

You know, it's, it's that thing of having
to wait for certain days of the week.

And you can't always
keep hold of something,

till a certain day of
the week, cause it's big.

A mattress, it's, is one of them
things you can't get sort of rid of.

Or you can't stick it somewhere
cause it's in the way.

It's a big clumpy bit
of furniture, isn't it?

Yeah, it's not a bit of furniture,
really, a mattress. Uh...

But I know what you mean.

Yeah, don't, don't lean on it,
it's a bit, it's a bit spongy.

What do you keep in it?

We can't keep anything in it.
It's just full of springs and stuff.

It's not really a piece
of furniture, to be honest.

But you know
what I mean.

It's part of...
It should be on a bed, to be honest.

It's part of a furniture
bit, isn't it?

Did I tell you
that time when...

I don't think you could even ever count
a mattress as a piece of furniture.

Of course you can.

It's functional and
where do you stop?

Is a pillow a piece
of furniture?

Is, is,
a blanket?

Oh a nice bit of
furniture you're wearing.

They're me trousers.

They're furniture if you
pop em up against a wall.

Did I tell you that time
when we first bought a flat?

Go on.

Bought a flat in Manchester,
right, and... Yeah.

You know, when you first buy a
place, it's expensive, isn't it?

And it's a big bit of
furniture, a flat, isn't it?

So, you know, we bought
a sofa, we got a table.

Sorry, you don't mean you bought a
sofa, you ended up with a table.

- No, no. Bought...
- Bought a sofa and a table.

Yeah. Now I was, I was,
I didn't, I didn't know...

Suzanne sent you to buy a sofa
and you came back with a table.

Now back then, I wasn't
as wise as I am now.

Fucking hell. Oh, what was
he, some snot in a jar?

Can I just apologize to any
snot in a jar that's listening,

and was offended
by that comment?

All right, so, so
I ordered a bed.

I ordered a bed.
Yeah.

It turned up.
Oh, well done.

Fucking hell, that's a victory!

I thought, I thought...
That he worked out...

That's not the end
of this story, is it?

So I thought, I thought, I'm gonna get
this in the bedroom, set it all up.

Suzanne comes home from work, the
bed's done, she'll be well happy.

Yeah.

So I get it all up there in
the lift, and what have you.

That thing is, seems like
I'm missing something there.

Put it together.
No mattress.

How could you not
notice there was no mattress?

No, it's just because it's like, you know,
I'm thinking, yeah, I've got all the screws.

I've got the slats for that, the bottom
there's, there's the post and that.

I put it together...

Where's the softy, spongy bit of furniture
that usually sits on top of the, uh...

The more rigid
bit of furniture?

So I called em up, I said,
"There's no mattress with it."

They said, "No, it's
not part of it."

I said, "What do you mean,
it's not part of it?"

"A bed isn't a bed without a mattress.
It's a climbing frame, right?"

So, um, they
said, they said, um...

"You know, you can buy one.
We have got them in for that thing."

But it was like 400
and odd quid. And I...

I don't know why you're telling me this, I know this.
This is, I've bought beds.

I understand this
is how it works.

And a mattress isn't the bed.
No, the bed is something else.

"Yeah, but that's wrong. You cannot use a
bed without a mattress is what I'm saying."

"So don't sell
it without it."

No, but some people replace the bed
frame and keep the old mattress...

That's fine, that's fine.
Or the other way around.

Once you've invested in it, and you
go, "Oh will I buy a new bed..."

"Or will I just buy a
new mattress?" Fine.

Well, they're not gonna keep
sending beds with new mattresses,

in case you've already
got the mattress.

What?
A bed and a mattress...

Without any pillows and
blankets is no good,

but you don't expect
that to come with it.

At least you can sleep on that.
You can sleep on a spongy bit.

You can chuck a coat over ya.

You can use the cushion off a sofa.
Yeah but they're not thinking,

"Some fuckwit might buy it without
the mattress, we might include it."

So anyway, so I was like,
"Oh, didn't think of this."

I didn't think of this.

- So I called me dad up.
- I didn't think,

so I called me dad up.

"Dad, it's your
fuckwit son again."

"All right, son, how's it going?
What have you done?"

"Bought a bed without
a mattress? Oh..."

So I said, "Listen, I bought that bed.
There's no mattress on it.

"Can, you know, can
you get us one?"

So he said, "Oh I'll, I'll have a
word, I'll call around, right?"

So he calls
back like an hour and a half later.

He said, "Uh, got
your mattress."

"Uh, go around
to Alf's."

Alf is me sort of uncle
who isn't our uncle.

All right.
Yeah.

Um, he's the one who I've told
you about who had two tellies.

One that worked, picture wise, and one
that worked for sound. RICKY: Perfect.

Slept in a rubber dingy, right?

Now the thing is...
I remember Alf, yeah.

He, uh, he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh,
I've got a mattress. Come and get it."

So I go around there...

Why doesn't he sleep with a
fucking mattress if he's got one?

Why just live in a fucking
boat if he's got a mattress?

He's terrified of flooding.
Yeah.

I get there and,
uh, it's in his van.

- Right.
- Right.

Sorry, driving around with
a mattress in the back of a van?

What is he, a fucking
serial killer?

Fucking hell.

So I thought, Suzanne's
gonna be happy.

Dragged it out of the van,
chucked it in the car.

Thought she won't even know.
Do you know what I mean? RICKY: No.

So, uh, so I dragged that back.

Oh, am I gonna make it?
It's rush hour by this point.

Thinking, "Oh she's gonna
get home." Anyway...

Get home, drag it into the lift and
what have you.

Drag it up, drag it
into the bedroom...

Dead prostitute
falls off it.

Put a sheet
on it and that.

Suzanne comes in, uh, she
goes, what is that smell?

Oh...
So I said, what?

She said, it's like
oil and diesel.

Hold on, why didn't
you smell it?

I know it doesn't make sense.

I think I just sort
of got used to...

Maybe because I'd got in the
back of the van, smelled that...

I thought that's in the van, then.
I got used to that smell.

Yeah. Yeah.
It's in the back of my car, folded up.

I'm, I'm concentrating on trying to
get this bed made before she gets in.

Sure.
Uh, so anyway, she's going...

What is that?
I said, I've got this off Alf.

She said, we can't have that.
She said, you know, it's a new flat.

Nice, clean flat and everything.
We got this old thing that stinks.

Get rid of it.

It was murder
getting rid of that.

- And I had to tip it.
- All right.

I went round the back of some
supermarket and left it there.

Because you call around...
Fly tipping. Illegal fly tipping.

Well, no, because I think it's illegal and
bad when you, when you chucking it out.

Say a bus stop or somewhere
on a high street or something.

And people are going,
that looks a mess.

I chucked it near the bins at a supermarket.
I'd gone out of me way.

I thought, "Where is this
not gonna be offensive?"

Why couldn't you
just go on the tip?

I think I did try the tip. Oh no.
No, there's a massive queue.

There was a massive queue.

Ah laziness. So laziness, Rick, sorry.
A queue at the tip?

- A massive cue. I remember it now.
- Where was this?

Stratford. Stratford,
that was, I remember.

Why is there
a queue for the tip?

Don't know. I remember, yeah.
I remember driving past it.

Going, I haven't got time for that.
And, uh, that was, that's...

So don't go on about you
couldn't get rid of it.

It's cause you couldn't be asked
to cue up, you lazy bastard.

Um...
Couldn't get rid of it.

But what was he thinking?
Why was he panicking?

One: Why did he get a
bed without a mattress?

Two: Why does he call his dad to get
him out of mattress-related problems?

His dad gives him...

"Alf. Alf's got one in the
back of a dirty, old fucking van."

"Oh right, that
should be all right."

No, but the thing is, what I'm saying
is, when I was in that bed shop...

And I'm going, oh yeah,
good bed, good bed.

I'm sitting on it, I'm sitting
on the mattress with it.

At no point did he say...

Now, have you thought about
what sort of mattress you want?

Have you got orthopedic
problems or whatever?

That didn't come up.

He said, there's your order.
There's your address.

I'm not a bed man. I go to
the bed man to get bed advice.

In the same
way, same problem here.

I've had work
recently with, uh...

"Dad?
How do we get rid of a body?" "What?"

"Let me call Alf."

I've work done recently,
right? Bathroom retiled.

Yeah. Right.
It's been a nightmare.

- Polish fella... Not a word of English.
- Right.

- Which makes it hard.
- Hmm.

I've got him in as a
professional to do it.

He's sticking grout
down the toilet.

You know, after they put like the
grout in the tiles to finish it off.

Yeah. Anything that's left,
he didn't put it in the bin.

And get dispose of it properly.
He stuck it down the toilet.

Mmm. Yeah.
And now it's there.

The grout's there at the
bottom of the toilet.

Is it really?
Yeah. With a screw in it.

Well, you can
drain it, can't you?

You can turn the water off, get
rid of it, drain the water...

No, it won't go around
the U-Bend. Stuck there.

Well, no you'd get it out, though.
You'd dry it off when there's no water in there.

Well just stick your hand in.

Dip your hand in there. Why didn't you put...
Well last time I did that...

Once, last time you called up
when I had me hand down a grid.

And you were going, "What are you doing?
Get someone out to do that."

You called up here.
I was up to me shoulder, Steve, in like...

"glunge."

Glunge.

Now what annoys me, Rick, is
he makes up his own words.

Oh I'm gonna use that
for Flanimals, mate.

Do you know the
carrier bag problem?

Sure.

I was in, I was in the
supermarket and, uh...

It's that point when they'd, uh, they turn
round, and said, do you want a carrier bag?

And I said, yeah.

I'd bought like milk, loaf, I think
I bought some, um, pikelets.

Some what?
What's a pikelet?

It's like a thin crumpet.

I think you told
me that before.

Pikelet. There is a word
I would get rid of.

Pikelet. Thin crumpet.
There is a word I would get rid of.

I've got time to
say thin crumpet.

I do not need a specific word.
Yeah. Thin crumpet.

These, these, that's
not a crumpet.

Why? Call it a pikelet or fuck off.
Too thin.

The thing is, I'd spent over a
tenner anyway, right? Right.

I get to the till.
What is...

Can you make a pikelet by
squashing a crumpet thin?

It's tough to, I've tried that.
What, well, hang on...

What if you cut one in half?
No, it doesn't, it's not the same.

No? I've tried
squashing a crumpet.

How thick and dense is a crumpet,
that you need a thin one?

Depends where you go.
They've got thicker.

I'm not, I'm not enjoying the
thicker crumpet at the moment.

Why?

Because the outside burns and the inside does nothing.
It's like eating dough.

I've, I've cut 'em out of me diet.
Yeah... Have you?

What do you do? Go
straight to Pikelets now?

It's also because it's not
the1950s any more. Yeah.

So, uh, so I bought all this
stuff. It's over a tenner.

Um, said, do you
want a carrier bag?

I said, of course I do
with all this, you know.

She said, five pence.
I said, you what?

She said five pence
for a carrier bag.

I said, I come here all
the time for the Pikelets.

Good. No, I'm right behind this,
right behind this. RICKY: Hmm.

Why? Charging for carrier bags.
Absolutely.

Yeah, makes you think.
Lazy bastards.

I take carrier bags down to the
supermarket every time I go down there.

- Yeah we've got a drawer full of carrier bags.
- We use, we use...

- Steve, can I just put a question in?
- Go on.

- I do normally. I reuse em.
- Oh. Ah.

But, I didn't know, I was on me
way home from work that day.

Fine, but this is the
problem. So be it.

That's you... nose.

Five P, otherwise you
carry one with you.

Yeah. Then you got
another one, then you got...

Right, so I said, I said,
how's that gonna work?

How's my five pence gonna
help the environment?

Typical. That is the attitude.
That sums it up, it sums it up.

Yeah, well at least
it... Makes you think.

Oh, it's the turtles.
It's the turtles. RICKY: Right, yeah.

Yeah, turtles, that's why they get
caught up in em, yeah, terrible.

She said, she said... RICKY: They
think, they think they're jellyfish.

And they go, ugh, swallow
it, yeah, and then choke.

So I said, right, so it's, I can, I can
kill a turtle, can I, for five pence?

You're not bothered then?

Why do you want to
kill a turtle at all? What?

Because if carrier bags
shouldn't be out there... Yeah.

Ban them.
But don't say...

You're killing turtles
with free carrier bags.

If you wanna kill a turtle, five pence.

Oh, there you go, there's five pence.
Go and kill a turtle.

That's what's annoying me.

It's not compulsory,
though, is it?

What they're saying is that, that five
pence goes towards something, doesn't it?

She said, we can't give you carrier bags
any more, cause you're killing turtles.

See there's no way she
said, we can't give you...

Karl Pilkington, stop killing
fucking turtles. Five pence.

All I'm saying is, if carrier
bags are killing turtles,

stop making carrier bags. Because the
thing is, I can afford two carrier bags.

Two turtles are dead since
I've been going in there.

Crrr... crush.

So does it matter? Does it matter
that much or not enough or what?

What's the point here?

For that five P, you could
get a little fella out there.

When he sees a turtle going...

He goes and sticks his
finger down his throat.

But what taste is he getting
out of a jellyfish anyway?

How will they...

Carrier bags
are better, isn't it?

Yeah, it gets...
"Oh, it's pikelet."

Someone threw a perfectly good pikelet away.

Talking about the Earth, Karl
is going around the Earth.

I've only
done Egypt so far.

And what did
you think of it?

They're probably the, the greatest
and earliest civilizations.

Certainly one
of the greatest, yeah.

- Yeah, but they harp on about that a lot.
- Well, yeah.

And it's like, that's
slowing 'em down, I think.

Unlike the English. We don't
drone on about our great past.

Yeah. No. Yeah. But we shouldn't.
I don't think we should.

Karl, you go on about doing boxing.
Move on.

When you turned up once and got batted by Leroy.

- Yeah, cause you asked me about it.
- Right.

But the thing is, they're constantly...
It's like they haven't moved on.

Everywhere you go, you see the
Sphinx or a pyramid on something.

And it builds it up too much.

So that when you
actually get there...

You feel like you've seen it so many times,
that it doesn't impress you that much.

But, I like the uh, you
know, it's different.

I liked all the, you know, locals and
stuff and the way they are and that.

And that's, that's
good, isn't it?

How are they?

- Just a lot of old people.
- Yeah?

Lot of old, and the old and the
young mix more than our lot do.

Uh, there was only a couple of things I
didn't like, and that was, uh, the toilets.

Toilets are pretty depressing.

Why? What's up with them?
Just, um...

It's just a hole in
the ground, isn't it?

Right.

And I, I like the toilet.
It's sort of, you know, me time.

And to sort of go in one of them,
you don't want to hang around.

Yeah.

They sort of... you just want
to do the job and get out.

But my insides don't
work like that.

They like to sort of
relax a bit and...

Uh, and you can't do that there, cause
you've got flies whizzing around your head.

And, uh, there was one time
when we were out and about,

and I'd had a bit of
hummus or something.

Because that's... you can't
get away from all that.

I'd been dipping my bread in
it, and I suddenly thought...

"Oh, my belly feels funny."

Gotta find a toilet.

Cut through this market.
Didn't, no one was there, but you sort smell it.

It's like, I'm getting close to one.
Yeah, it stinks. RICKY: Really?

Go in, there's like a fella
sat there, really old.

He must have been about
93, about two teeth.

Uh, sat there with a rag, and you
have to pay him to use the toilet.

What's the rag for? He
doesn't wipe your ass for you?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Well did he or didn't he? Well the toilet's
never been cleaned by the looks of it.

I had to give him like five
Egyptian pounds, whatever that is.

I don't know how much that is.
But I don't know what he's doing for that money,

because the place had
never seen a mop.

So I go in there, open the door, and it's
like one of them holes in the ground.

I go, oh God.
Can't use that.

Push the next door open,
that's the same. Going, oh...

Get to the end one, open
it, normal. Normal toilet.

All right.
Ding-dong.

Brilliant. Sit down there, do what
I do, look round, no toilet paper.

Oh no!

He's waving the rag
over the top of the cubicle.

- Yeah. Ten pound.
- More money.

So I'm thinking, "Oh God." I'm
thinking, "Can I just get up?"

Because it was clean,
you know, I thought...

It was
quite a clean drop, sure.

Yeah.

So I'm thinking, "Oh."

Don't they use water
though? Don't they use...

- Well they have a hose pipe, yeah.
- Yeah. Use that.

But I didn't fancy that.

Well, that's cleaner though, isn't it?
A hose pipe will get in a proper wash.

No, ick. It was ick.
How can it be? Why? Why?

Because that's just gonna...
That's, that's not gonna clean it properly.

It's gonna get rid
of some bits isn't it?

It's like when you clean a car.
Yeah, use a hose, but where's the sponge?

Sure.

So uh, so...
Oh God.

You rinse off a plate, but then you
always give it a little wipe as well.

Exactly, but I like it. That's when the
blokes knocks on the door, and goes...

You need sponge?
Yes.

So I'm in there. I look at the door,
there's no handle on the door.

So I'm trapped in there anyway.

Someone has nicked the handle.
So I can't open the door.

I'm sat there. There's
no toilet paper.

I'm calling the, I'm calling like
the people that I'm out there with.

Did you bring, did they bring
you some toilet paper then?

Um, no. Well they got it from the...
like the fella with the, who you pay the money to.

Oh he had some. Well you should
have paid for some on the way in, see, yeah.

I think that's what you do.
But they don't give you a full, a full roll.

- They give you like a strip.
- Right.

Which I'm pretty wasteful
with toilet paper.

I prefer to do a good job.
Use it up. Replace it.

Rather than five sheets.
I've never done that in my life. Yeah. Right.

Um, so, um, my brother taught me
something when he was in the army.

He said, you just have to sort
of put your hand through it...

Get it all, then use that
paper to get it off your hand.

What?

When you're in the army, Yeah.

You're taught survival techniques.
Right.

And they said, if you're ever caught
with very little toilet paper...

A survival technique.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not like...

Yeah. How did die?
Died of a dirty ass.

Hold on, wait a minute. Right.
What is this technique?

You get the toilet paper.

Right.

- Use two sheets.
- Right.

Fold it over so you've got normally
to one sheet, it's two ply.

You've got four ply.

So is this sort of, it's
like a bog glove? A bog paper glove?

Yeah, so you put your hand
through it so you make a hole.

- Yeah.
- What do you mean, make a hole?

Make a hole so your
hand goes through it.

Yeah. Then you can wipe
your, wipe your ass with that.

What,
with your hand?

Yeah, and then the toilet paper that's
left, you pull it off like that...

And you wipe your
fingers with it.

So you've still got
shit on your hand.

This is horrible.
Yeah, but you've wiped it off.

Why just, why don't you just wipe
your ass with the toilet paper?

Because you've only got a couple of
sheets cause you're in the jungle, right?

And it's survival. So it's survival, Rick.
But, hold on, though.

So, so what's the difference between
wiping your ass... I don't know.

With your hand, and trying to get shit
off your hand? Maybe I got it wrong.

Or wiping your ass with the toilet paper
and pulling your fucking trousers up?

I don't know why
this is a technique.

That's some sort of
mad sergeant's idea.

What I like
to do boys...

Is I like to smear shit
all over my face...

And then use the one sheet of
toilet to wash my face off.

It doesn't make
any sense at all.

Should I suggest
something for you?

You like wiping your ass with your hand.
You don't like paper and water.

You like a sponge. One of those big foam
hands that you see at sporting events.

Sports events.

So you just go in with
that like Kenny Everett.

You go in there with
two big sponge on.

You sit down.
You wipe your ass.

You just leave them, like
you just leave them there.

Yeah, and then you can
cheer about it as you leave.

And everyone will know.

Be careful with the giant sponge finger then.
It'll go up the arse.

It'll cause damage,
right. There's a problem.

Oh God.

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