All language subtitles for The Ricky Gervais Show s03e06 The English.eng

Sync and corrections by Sp8ky for
www.addic7ed.com

For the past few years,
Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant,

and Karl Pilkington

have been meeting regularly for a
series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

Testing.
Is that all right?

Hello, and welcome to The Ricky
Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais,

Stephen Merchant...

Hello.

And the little round-headed
buffoon that is Karl Pilkington.

Hi.

The idea of Englishness and England
is quite a vague term, isn't it?

It's... you can play loose
and fast with it. I mean,

for instance, I was, uh, looking at some
quotes about England and John Major,

former prime minister,
he typified England as being

a place of long shadows on
county cricket grounds,

warm beer, invincible green
suburbs, dog lovers,

and old maids bicycling
through the morning mist.

Very specific vision
of England.

Yeah, but he never came to
the estate that I was born on...

Sure.

Or Karl was... you
know what I mean?

So, what is your typical
image of an Englishman now?

If I had to draw
it for an alien?

Yeah.

Um, he'd be, uh, quite squat,

uh, quite sturdy,
sort of no neck,

um, hairy...

Are you just
thinking of yourself?

Do you know what? It would be
my build, with Karl's head.

Really?

And no neck. Yeah, I think he's sort
of balding and unshaven and, uh,

he's like a shaved caveman. I think he's...
he's tough. He'd have tats, he'd...

He'd eat like a dog...

It's the
bulldog breed.

It is the bulldog breed.
I am thinking of the bulldog breed, yeah.

See, now my image of
an Englishman is...

is essentially that
cliched one.

It is, I think, Hugh Grant...

So you're modern. You're
straightaway modern now.

Well, or I would say,

it's either mixed between Hugh Grant and
Roger Moore, when he was James Bond.

Do you know what I mean?
You see, that's another...

That's another small percentage of
Englishness that sort of annoys me.

Those people that think
they're James Bond.

They think they can buy a suit and read
GQ, and they're suave and sophisticated,

and they get cars
they can't afford.

All they do is work in a bank, come home,
and flick through GQ at the adverts,

looking at people in...
with wearing watches and aftershave.

Who wears aftershave?

Do you wear aftershave, Karl?

Uh, normally it's... it... aftershave is a
sort of thing I let other people buy me.

It's like underpants.

Underpants, tea towels, and sort of
aftershave and that, other people buy me.

Who's buying
you tea towels?

- Me mum.
- Right, okay.

Me mum, every time she turns up,
she's got Brillo pads and stuff.

I've got loads of 'em.
I keep saying to her, I don't need any of this,

but she always brings
a box full of stuff.

"Brillo pads, tea
towels, underpants."

The underpants size hasn't
gone up since I was 14.

But that's... I can
rely on her for that.

So do you not have anything in your life which
you would think of as being gentlemanly?

Do you ever dress smartly?
What about suits?

I bought one suit that time when
you invited me to the BAFTAs.

That's the only suit.
I think I wore it for one other thing.

I haven't wore it since. I don't like...
I don't feel comfortable. It's not me.

But don't you go
to a wedding...

That would be a lovely advert, wouldn't it?
Him with a suit, and going,

"I haven't wore it since."

I don't go to weddings. No,
I don't like going to 'em.

I agree.

I mean even though
you know 'em,

they don't give you any time
when you're there, do they?

They just sort of...
they don't know whether you're there or not.

They're on cloud nine. They
don't know who's around.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter. You
don't need to be there.

It's all... with them, on the wedding
day, it's all me, me, me, isn't it?

Well firstly, I'm annoyed
about the wedding list.

I don't know when
that's come along,

because I don't know why I can't just
bring maybe something I've made at home.

You know?
Why has there gotta be a list of stuff?

What bride... what newly married bride
doesn't want a pair of homemade clogs?

Exactly.
Do you know what I mean?

I...but saying that, I think people very
much appreciate you being at their wedding.

No...

They do. They remember
if you were there.

No they don't.
They don't. They do.

You don't get invited to weddings
'cause you ain't got any mates.

No I have, I've got... I know enough people.
Everyone's getting married. But it's...

They're always in the
middle of nowhere...

That... now that annoys
me, when people say,

"Come to our wedding.
Yeah! Fun wedding!"

"We're having it in Greece."

Well the thing that drives me insane when
you do go, is when they put you at a table

with people you don't know.
Well that's...

I got all me mates there, and they put...
what, 'cause I gotta mingle with some people?

I don't care. I don't need
these... need these people.

I have enough friends. But that's why
I'm not good at talking to people once.

Talking to people who
you don't know. No.

What sort of stuff would you make
conversation about at a wedding?

Uh, I'd probably say, oh,

first of all, "How do you know 'em?
How do you know the people getting married?"

Yeah.

And then like, you know,
"Do you think it'll last?"

Imagine getting... imagine inviting
Karl Pilkington, having to go,

"Where should we put him?" "Oh, I don't know.
Is there... is there a table for one?"

Oh, just...

He'll be at a
table with the kids.

Imagine being stuck with
Karl Pilkington at a wedding.

Yeah, what else? So you've asked
'em "Do you think it'll last?"

They've gone, "I'm
sorry? Who are you?"

"I'm Karl Pilkington
from Manchester."

"Right. Yes, we
think it'll last."

What else would you ask
them? What's your next...

Um... the last wedding I went to,
it's going back a couple of years,

but everyone seems
a bit snidey.

Do you know what I mean?

'Cause you've got a mixture of
families there, haven't you? Yeah.

And none of 'em really
like each other.

And I got stuck with an old fellow
who had a flatulence problem.

That sounds fun.

And then he went on to say, "It doesn't matter.
This suit's hired."

And then it's just kind of...

I'm gonna die!

I just don't like 'em.
I love that! I love it!

He's basically
saying, at a wedding,

it doesn't matter if I shit
myself 'cause the suit's hired!

Oh!

Maybe it's that thing that I
don't appreciate what I've got,

but to me, being English
isn't anything that great.

Really?
Why not?

'Cause, uh, it's just what
I've been dealt with.

If you could be any nationality,
what would you be and why?

Um,

probably Italian.

Okay, why?

Well just, uh, yeah I like the idea of it.
I like... Italians are all right.

Where would
you live? Rome?

Probably... I probably wouldn't wanna be in...
in the middle of Rome. It's too much hassle.

Have you
been to Rome?

Yeah. It's nice to visit and stuff.
It's good. Lot of old stuff.

Why have you
chosen Italy?

I'm interested to know why, of all
the countries, you've chosen Italy?

I was a latecomer to pasta.

That is,
when you're 'round.

I like it now. It's like one of
me favorite things they have.

Um, which there isn't really
anything like that in England.

That, even though it's...

Well, all except pasta.

Pasta's exactly like it.

No, but it's not... Yeah we got...
we got pasta, haven't we?

It's not ours, though, is it?
And we don't know how to eat it.

What do you mean we don't
know how to eat it?

We, we to it all wrong.
Do you, do you stick it up your ass again?

Look at me, I know how
to fucking eat it.

No, but what I mean is if,
if you saw a proper Italian,

and they saw what we did to
pasta, they would not be happy.

What're we doing wrong?
Tell me what we're doing wrong with pasta.

Well I don't know...
that otherwise we wouldn't be doing it...

Then how do you know
we're doing it wrong?

I've just heard we do it wrong.

It's like how we, we have the
coffee at all the wrong times.

They order the cappuccino somewhere
and the Italian fella said,

"You shouldn't be having that
now. It's breakfast coffee."

Yeah it is, yeah,
before 12 o'clock, yeah.

Yeah, but I was having it like
quarter to eleven at night.

Oh, wow.

Well that'absurd. How you gonna get
to sleep with a cup of coffee?

Well, I don't sleep anyway.

You shouldn't drink coffee
anyway at night. Full stop.

So hang on. So you love pasta,
but you're not eating it right,

so you'd like to be Italian in order
to be able to eat pasta correctly?

Even though you enjoy
the pasta you eat?

What do you feel being
Italian, uh, is, and what...

It's just very sort of, uh,
it's a relaxed lifestyle.

Whenever you to go to Italy,
everyone's outside a cafe.

It doesn't matter what
sort of person you are.

Karl, that's all you do now with your
spare time, is sit outside a cafe.

Yes, but they get more
respect over there for...

Why?

It's... it's like it's
okay to do that.

There's older people sat
outside cafes who do nothing.

I love the fact that...
They're probably retired.

He wants to be Italian so
he can sit outside a cafe,

and get more respect than he
does now sitting outside a cafe.

No, but everyone's rushing about here.
People have like, colder coffee.

They have frappuccinos here 'cause they
haven't got time to have a hot coffee.

It's like they've got a coffee
with ice and so I can neck it.

Get down me neck and
get on with me day.

Relax, enjoy your coffee. I
don't understand the rush.

But the reason you enjoy Italy is 'cause
when you were there, you were on holiday.

That's why you're able
to chill out and relax.

No, no.

When you say it's old people, old people
sat in some little Sicilian village.

Of course they, they
got no money...

Here. I went to the
Salvation Army.

- Right.
- Why?

'Cause it's nice.

What do you mean?

You get, you get, you can get toast
and a cup of tea for a pound.

Karl, you
little skinflint.

That's just, that... that
should be the going rate.

Steve, I'm surprised I haven't
seen you in there, to be honest.

But the
thing is...

Where is it?

Now... Just near Camden.

What is it... is it
like old people?

A lot of old people, mainly old people.
Um, and this is what I'm saying.

These are people who are
old and they sat in a cafe.

But they don't get any respect.
People walking past 'em, they don't wanna go in,

the way you reacted when I said
I was in the Salvation Army.

That's the reaction they get.
Yet an old Italian person, they're looked after better.

Well it's certainly true,
they look after their older families.

Right. And that's all I'm saying.
Whereas, I mean it's a lovely place, Salvation Army.

Every old fellow in
there's got a tie on.

Yeah.

They make an effort.

So anyway, yeah, that's,
that's what I like about

Italians and that. There's,
there's a lot of respect.

So you want to be Italian because when
you're old, you can sit outside a cafe

and get more respect
than you do here?

Yeah. Look at the old people in this country.
They never look happy, do they, really?

Most of the time, when you see 'em walking
around, they get, they go to pot.

No one's keeping an eye on 'em.

Well, it's an important thing,
isn't it? That, that, um,

my, uh, my mum, this is when she
was about sixty, sixty-five,

there was a, a neighbor who was, uh,
like, you know, eighty-five, ninety.

And my mom used to go
'round there every day.

"Do you want any shopping?
Do it, right?" But I remember calling her once,

and, uh, she'd come back.
I said "What have you been doing?"

She went, "Oh, I've been
'round so-and-so's."

I went "All right." She went,
"Ugh, she won't die, Rick."

Like, she's helping her, but she's
thinking, "This is getting silly now."

"You were meant to
go years ago here."

Well that's the problem, you know.
If you, if you get pally with an old person...

Yeah.

...then you could be stuck
with them for years.

And having to do stuff, you know.
That's what you don't wanna do, isn't it?

You, you, you meet an old,
you know, an old fella,

and then you gotta start, um, popping
in his sort of piles or whatever

when he can't do 'em himself.

You know, what do
you do if you're...

It depends how friendly
you are, though.

I mean I'm just talking about
someone you meet at the bus stop,

as opposed to popping
the piles back in.

How does that happen?

Jesus.

Just the ones on, on
the estate I grew up on.

Soon as you got to a certain age, it
was Mrs. Knowles who went mental.

One day she seemed fine. Next day she
was chucking cans in everyone's garden.

You could just hear her coming.

Which was weird. Actually, now
you've brought up weird people,

Go on. There was a fellow
called Shorts Man, right?

It's so pedestrian!
I love the fact...

Shorts Man wore some shorts?

Now, now what I liked...
yeah, he did, but they, they were really short.

They were that sort where, you know,
it's almost pointless having 'em on.

What do you mean?

They were just... you know
like, shorts now for blokes,

they go up to your
knees, don't they?

There's no chance, there's
no accident happening there.

Go on.
There's nothing gonna pop out.

- Yeah.
- No.

But Shorts Man, he liked it.
He liked the fact that that happened.

And he used to walk with, with big strides,
to sort of help the chance along.

So that he knew, with the big
strides and the short shorts...

Yeah?

- They were gonna pop out.
- Did you ever see it pop out?

Yeah.

Why were you
looking at his shorts?

Just because it was, it was like,
it was like playing buckaroo.

It was like, when are
they gonna pop out?

But what...

It's just what happened.

So, right. But Shorts Man,
so he was an exhibitionist.

He liked... he obviously wanted
people to see his veg...

Yeah. And they were out
more than they were in.

I mean they, they
had a tan, right?

Now the thing is...

What... what we like in England,
I think we like that.

We like local characters.

The eccentric.

Yeah, eccentrics, very, that's very
British, eccentrics, yeah, yeah.

And I, and I... I'm glad I grew up
'round there with all them people...

So am I.
'cause they were interesting.

Do you think there's a big difference,
Karl, between the Englishman of yesteryear

who didn't complain... I mean,
he just got on with things.

He might have whinged about
the weather and the like,

um, but he just got on
with things, you know.

- He carried an umbrella.
- Yeah.

Didn't whinge
about anything.

Whereas nowadays,
people are getting their Prozac,

and their antidepressant pills,
they're going to therapy...

Yeah. He kept out of stuff, as well.
Why are we getting involved now in everything?

Thoughts on that, Karl?

Uh, it's news now, isn't it?

"Sometimes I think, don't
tell me, don't wanna know."

Just get on with it. Whoever's
job that is, get on with it.

Yeah.
Why am I being told about it?

When I've got a problem in
my job, no one else knows.

No one helps me out and goes, "Well,
I've got an opinion for him."

"This might help him."
No one helps me.

But I'm being bombarded by
everyone else's hassle.

They love talking, actually.
That's what the English do.

Talking, but they
never finalize it.

They love just being in
the meeting room, talking.

Saying "Yeah, we could do
this, we could do that."

I'm the only one in that
room not getting paid.

Everyone else is on a wage.

I'm there looking at me watch,

thinking "Right, I've been here for
an hour, nothing's been sorted."

They're looking, thinking "We can drag this
out for another half hour, get us to lunch."

That's what annoys me.

They're all sat there, just pushing
bullshit around the room like dung beetles.

I'm sick of it. And that's
what the English do.

Oh.

And it's a shame 'cause I don't
think they used to be like that.

I wish everybody just sort
of kept to themselves more.

Like, you know, certain animals do.
Just get on with it.

It's like the old-fashioned way.
Like what? What animals?

What animals keep
to themselves?

Well any, any animals keep
themselves to themselves.

Like what?
Loads of things.

What keeps... what animals
keep to themselves?

Badgers.

Why do they keep
to themselves?

Just, I don't know. They just...
When, whenever you see them

they're sort of wandering about a
roadside, they're on their own.

Right. They're not, they're not,

What are they doing?
Sort of in pairs.

I don't know. Most of
the time, they're dead.

I've seen more dead badgers than alive ones.
I've never seen a live badger.

I don't know what his point is.

So that's... so that's why they're one, alone,
and two, getting on with it. I love it.

Most of the...
I love that...

he started off with some kind of poetic
analogy, I don't know what that was.

Most of the time...

I just uh...

Oh, God! Um,

I like this thing of, the
Englishmen I knew, growing up,

um, was uh, you had to...

when you hit a certain age,
when you hit, like, manhood,

or puberty or whatever, 13, 14, 15,
you had to start showing your mettle.

You had to be tough.

Um, I remember all right, when I
first started going to pubs, right?

So I'm, I don't know, say 18.

You walk into a toilet with urinals, and the
first thing everyone did was fart and gob.

Yeah.

That was it, right?
If you couldn't do that, then uh, you know,

you'd get funny looks.

You know, you're going to the urinal, and
they'd look at you like, "Oh, sorry."

It was all about, um,
being a man. You know.

I think wearing glasses makes
you slightly exempt from that.

It's like you don't have to...
people automatically dissociate...

It's like, if I was in prison,
I wouldn't have to do that,

'cause I'd just be
"The Professor."

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?
Or "Brains." RICKY: Exactly, yeah.

I would, they would...
Yeah, they'd come to you with...

I'm never a threat, 'cause I never
look like I'm gonna be a tough guy.

So consequently, I live in this
sort of parallel stratosphere,

where I haven't gotta piss and gob.
Yeah.

Has that got more popular?

Yes.

Has it? There's a
lot of gobbing?

Yeah, there's a lot more people
doing in the streets now.

Really? Not in, not in Hampstead?
It's like avoiding...

It still is, you know.

When I walk, walk here...

The only person gobbing
in Hampstead is me.

Jane says, "Don't gob.
People are looking."

Well it is, it's your trail
that I'm seeing, then.

It's like a load of, sort of
washed-up jellyfish in London.

Just big blobs of it. I mean, I don't
know how they're coughing this stuff up.

I mean, they shouldn't still be alive.
Some of them have, like, organs in them.

It's just big lumps of stuff.

I mean that list of...

idyllic, antiquated England of, you
know, tea and cakes and cricket,

I mean is, is valid.

But I think the things
that sum up Englishness,

I mean talking of the weather,
I think drinking, uh, war...

We love a ruck.

Yeah.

We're built on war.
We're a warrior race.

We're pretty good at war.

Talking of the um, English
sense of fair play, and war,

when, um, the crossbow was invented,
a lot of people wouldn't use it.

They said it was un-Christian.

So our soldiers sort
of resisted it.

So Europeans got this thing that needed no
skill, and it was shooting these bolts,

and they could reload quick.

And uh, versus our, our bowmen.
What do you think of that?

What do you think of going, "Oh, it's cheating.
We won't use it."

But having a disadvantage?

That's honor, isn't it?

But what, what's the problem here?
What am I meant to be worrying about?

Well you've got, you've got bow and arrows.
They're amazing. They're heavy.

Someone comes along, goes,

"Don't worry about that. Here's a crossbow.
Just pop it in, pull it back..."

"Deadly. Deadly, quick,
anyone can use it."

So now you've got anyone with
a crossbow killing people.

Women,
children...

Anyone can use it.
So the Europeans, they're going crazy.

But we resisted it because we thought it
was, you know, un-Christian and cheating,

to kill without skill.
What do you think of that?

But where were the, where were the
actual bows and that being made?

'Cause that's the
thing, isn't it?

The company who's making 'em, they
just want to get out to a big market.

Brilliant.

That's, that's what they do now
with the iPod and everything.

It's not about people wanting more music
than ever before. That's not the case.

It's about having it,
having the accessory.

And if the bow and arrow was,
like, sold as this, you know,

"Light to carry, for
all the family."

That's, that's how it would have happened.
That's where it's all about.

Ye New Bow and
Arrow, from Ronco.

But what, what do you
think the problem is?

Yeah, but you're not quite getting
Ricky's point. His point is,

the idea of there being sort of rules,
and fair play, and etiquette in war.

The objective is to kill the enemy.
I don't...

I don't think that's the place.

I don't think war and that is a place to start
getting all uppity about someone cheating,

or having a better system.

Oh, really? You think all fair
in love and war, do you?

Yeah, definitely.

Right, well they've gotta have rules, isn't there?
It's just about winning.

No, not in a war
there isn't rules.

What's extraordinary about the idea of
English fair play is you know, famously the,

you know, the approach
during the first World War,

that we would sort of walk up out
of the trenches onto no man's land,

m; and sort of politely march at a slow,
steady pace across towards the enemy.

I know.

I mean, and then we were just being
machine-gunned down. I mean, it was absurd.

Well, and that's the one they had to,
kind of, knock about stuff, didn't they?

They took you know,
the game of football.

In no man's land, yeah.

Christmas Day.

Well who, who took
a football there?

Uh, if I was on the front line, I would
not be getting out the rulebook.

I can tell you that much.

I'd be going mental.

Are you saying there should
be some rules or no rules?

I mean, you gotta
have some rules,

otherwise it's just gonna be
like Grand Theft Auto, isn't it?

I'm just gonna go about
battering everyone.

Yeah.

And you soon get bored of that.

Which rules would you repeal that
already exist, that you don't like?

Uh,

it's a shame you can't tip as
much as you used to be able to.

You mean in a restaurant?

No, just when you're getting rid
of a mattress, sort of thing.

So fly-tipping. You'd like
to see more fly-tipping.

What, what, what do you mean?
This is something so personal.

He's fed up. He had
to take something.

No it's, it's just that they used
to put stuff outside the house,

and just like you had
mattresses, you had sideboards,

uh, sewing machines.

The thing is, it was, it
was a good way of recycling.

Now, they say recycle, but we're not recycling.
It's just being put in a bin.

I'm saying if you've
got old furniture,

you should be allowed to leave it outside
your house without the council going,

"Move that, it's dangerous.
Someone's gonna trip over it." RICKY: Hmm. Right.

'Cause if they trip over it, they should've
been looking where they're going.

Well, what if they're blind?

What?

What if they're blind? That's why you
don't leave things out on the pavement.

'Cause blind people will fall over
them and smack their face in.

No, because I'm, I'm leaving it...
I'm not leaving it on the, on the pavement.

Well you just said you were.
Where are you leaving it?

Sort of outside the house.

Where are you leaving it, Karl?
You haven't established where you're leaving this yet.

Because so far, a blind person has fallen
over and broken his nose and lost two teeth.

I've never seen a blind
person trip over anything.

You've never seen a blind
person trip over anything?

Definitely not. They're...

they're better on their
feet than some people,

'cause they're more
cautious, aren't they?

It'd make it more fun
for them, if anything.

Why can't you just have this stuff
collected by a secondhand shop,

or send it to a charity?
Because they won't...

they don't come, Steve.
Honestly, they don't.

I've, I've called up people, and they're
saying, "Yeah we'll be there in an hour."

And I say, "Right. I'm gonna
put it out on the street",

"and are you gonna come and get
it?" "Yeah, we'll be there."

An hour passes by.
They haven't been.

Suddenly the council rode past.

Just blind people all over the place.

On the floor,
bloodied noses...

And the council, say I call them up.
"Do you want to shift it?"

"Well we might, but don't know when."
"Well it's outside the house now."

"Well you can't leave it there."

"It's your responsibility.
You'll have to stay with it."

Suddenly I'm wasting time, sat outside me house
with rubbish that someone else might want,

but you're not allowed to leave there
'cause a blind person might come along.

What's the dog doing?

What do you make of...

St. George, the patron saint?

What's your take on that?

Is he the one who
killed the dragon?

Right. Tell us the story.

There was a dragon problem.

Where?

Must have been in England.

Right.

Um, George took it on. He took on the job.
He was like a rent-a-kill.

Uh, he came out.

The interesting thing with
him is, right,

he was a hero then.

I honestly think if he did that
now, there'd be an uproar.

Because it's the last,
it's the last dragon.

It's the same way we try to save
the panda and all that now.

If he came out and said, "I've
done it," "You've done what?"

"I've just killed the last dragon."
They'd go mental. There'd be marches.

"Idiot, bloody idiot!"

And that's what's interesting.

"But it was, it was
going around burning people."

"Doesn't matter. We shouldn't, we
shouldn't have killed the last one."

"It's the last one."

And that's what
it would be like.

They'd say, "You
should have saved it."

"You should have captured it and put it in a
cage so we can all look at it and stuff."

"There's no point.
It couldn't have bred anyway. It was the last one."

Was it definitely the last one?

Well, you were saying it was the last one.
I'm not bothered either way.

Hang on. What, sorry?
To me, hang on... whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you think
that there were dragons?

Well, what are we
celebrating then?

Well it could be a metaphor,
a dragon slayer.

It could be, um, a,
a bad thing amongst us.

It could be a foreign threat.
It could be things that threaten honor.

It could be anything. It could...
it's not, it's not to be taken literally, is it?

But the real legend of George was that he was
a figure who uh, stood up for Christianity.

Have you ever done
anything brave?

There was a kid at school who used
to have epileptic fits a lot,

and the teacher used to always say,
"If it happens, grab his tongue."

And I sort of had a go at
that once, his tongue.

His tong?
Yeah.

What, what did he have a tong for?
To pick stuff up? What do you mean a tong?

His tongue, in his mouth.

Oh, his tongue. Oh, his tongue.
All right, go on.

And they used to say, "If he
starts, if he starts doing it uh",

"grab his tongue
and that."

And, and I sort of had a go at that once.
And it was, wasn't nice.

Well, how'd you grab it?
Well, you grabbed his tongue, did you?

Well I tried to. It's
like grabbing a slug.

And plus, his mouth's going up and down.
What do you think is gonna happen to me hand there?

So you sort of do that
thing where you go...

So you fight... you were trying
to grab a hold of a kid's tongue, yeah?

And he was...

He's throwing himself all over the place.
It was in a physics lesson.

I sort of had a go, and then I
thought, this isn't happening.

So I just sort of kept putting me
hand in, like I'm having a go,

but in me head, I was going, I'm
not gonna get a hold of it.

What you could have used
is a pair of tongs.

Well firstly, I don't
see why this is brave.

Uh, kid's having an epileptic fit, and
you're just pleased to help him out.

I don't know why that's
bravery, but even given that,

the fact that you were thinking more
about yourself in that situation

than this other kid.

You were thinking, "I'll make it look
like I'm helping, but I'm not, really."

And yet there's this kid
having an epileptic fit.

Well, I did... I did at
the beginning. I tried.

Doesn't that sum you
up, Karl? Selfish?

No, no it doesn't, because at...
no one else was having a go.

At least I did try and
grab it at one point.

You weren't doing anything!
You were just making it look like you were.

Have you ever tried
to grab a tongue?

It's like chasing a
chicken. It's murder.

And after a while,
it wears you out.

And it was weird anyway,
'cause it was like...

What was he doing it for?

I don't know.

What I don't even know after hours
of chasing this kid's tongue...

I love, I love the idea, "Have you
ever tried grabbing a tongue,"

is a, is a valid question.

I love that
he's annoyed.

He's annoyed that this poor
kid's having an epileptic fit.

What was your technique?
Were you trying to grab it sort of like...

Just, just with your thumb
and your whatsit finger.

- Like a pincher thing.
- Yeah?

But it was because his mouth's
going down, and all that.

Was he
shouting or just...

No, just throwing
himself around.

So that's your one
attempt at bravery.

Well, hang on a minute.
Let me just think.

Trying to grab a tongue.

There was the time you were chased
by a bee, and you scored a goal.

I forget about that.

That, that isn't really
bravery, is it?

As you were, as you were
running away from a bee,

and the ball happened to
hit your foot and go in.

Does that count as bravery?

I love that when he goes up to
the pearly gates, and John goes,

"Well, you know, have you
done any act of courage?"

"Uh, I pretended to
grab a tongue."

"A what?" "A tongue."

"A tongue?" "Yeah.

"Uh, I got chased by a
bee, scored a goal."

"That doesn't count
as brave at all."

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