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For the past few years, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington
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have been meeting regularly for a
series of pointless conversations.
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00:00:24,031 --> 00:00:25,898
Th is one of them.
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Testing.
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Is that all right?
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Hello, and welcome to the Ricky
Gervais show, with me, Ricky gervais,
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Stephen Merchant...
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This is the worst chair
I've ever sat on,
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and I've sat on some
fucking chairs in my time.
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Yeah. All
right. Are we started?
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One, one...
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Are we recording?
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Yeah.
Ready?
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00:00:48,155 --> 00:00:49,756
Yeah.
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00:00:49,790 --> 00:00:52,858
Hello, and welcome to
a brand-new series.
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What?
That's ridiculous.
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I know. I was getting...
I was getting all fired up.
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He was getting excited...
And motivated.
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What are you talking about?
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One one one one one... just
seems a bit loud, that.
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Well, well you should
have sorted that out.
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Karl, are we ready now?
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Yeah, I suppose.
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Well come back here then,
you dopey bald twat!
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Hello? Yeah. I'll just,
I'll just sit like that.
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Right, okay, ready?
So, it was your problem?
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Oh, Jesus.
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It's just this carpet.
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Right, ready?
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Yeah.
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Hello, welcome to a brand-new
series of the Ricky Gervais show,
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with me, Ricky Gervais...
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- Hello.
- Well, no.
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I was so excited to say hello.
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Okay, right, okay.
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Hello, and welcome to a brand-new
series of the Ricky Gervais show,
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with me, Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant...
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Hello.
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And the little, round-headed shaven
chimp that is Karl Pilkington.
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Right.
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Sync and corrections by sp8ky for
www.Addic7ed.Com
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while I was at my parents'
house they often, you know,
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they keep clippings of things, you know.
If we've been mentioned in the papers.
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Don't know if you've heard this,
Karl, in the Sunday times,
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they, uh, someone's written
a letter about Karl.
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Wow.
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They can send in comments and views
on things they've seen, read, heard.
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Oh, excellent.
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And this is what they, someone
wrote to the, uh, Sunday times.
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"Who is Karl Pilkington?
And why have I just wasted five minutes of my life
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listening to some of his cretinous
thoughts on channel four?
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"He asked, 'why are there so many
dinosaurs on display in museums?'
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"Quotes, 'couldn't they just choose
the best one and just show that?'"
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"He summed it all up by deciding
that, 'we know too much.'"
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"somebody clearly doesn't know enough to know
that this is a complete waste of airtime,"
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"showing no wit, intellector creativity."
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That's from Wendy in barkshire.
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You gotta have your critics.
You know what I mean?
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You've gotta have your critics?
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'Course you have.
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If everybody liked what you did, then
you're not doing the right thing.
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But, think how angry she must
have been to have bothered
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writing this letter
to the Sunday times.
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Yeah, well it's good though.
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I mean, you really must have...
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It's all about getting people thinking.
That's what I always say to you.
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As long as I'm getting people
thinking about what I've said.
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She remembered what I said.
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Yeah.
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I'll tell you now, right?
This is... yeah, I've...
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I don't know if Wendy's, you
know, listening to this...
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Almost certainly not.
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But listen, right?
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I was saying about the,
the uh, museums, right?
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And how they're big
and everything?
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Brilliant. And they've got
dinosaurs all over the shop.
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I read that in that museum,
they've got something like...
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Uh...
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Seven million bits ofstuff in there, right?
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Now, when I spend two hours in somewhere,
just show me the good stuff.
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Don't be saying we've got
seven million bits.
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'Cause there was a fella who,
a fela lwho opened it, right?
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I did a bit of research
on the museum.
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What museum was it?
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It was the London one.
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Oh, the London one, yeah.
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So he's in there, and he's,
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he's collecting all this,you know, bits of stuff.
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What stuff?
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- Just whatever's knocking about at that time.
- Oh, okay.
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It seemed like...
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You have researched it.
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He never chucked anything away.
Oh.
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He said, "oh, I won't put in the bin.
Pop it on the shelf," right?
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00:04:00,216 --> 00:04:01,950
So he's put everything ona shelf in his museum.
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00:04:01,984 --> 00:04:03,371
Then, as time went on...
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I think you're going into too much
detail, but just give us the gist of it.
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No, but I I'm saying is,
uh, he keeps everything,
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and if you keep everything, sometimes
it'll be good stuff. All right?
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00:04:11,727 --> 00:04:17,265
Um... and a lot of the stuff was
going missing. The good stuff.
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00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:20,635
But people who set these
museums up are just as crafty.
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What?
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00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:24,372
The fella who foundTutankhamen,
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he was pocketing all sorts of fingers and
stuff in his pockets on the way out.
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That had rings on them and stuff.
So all I'm saying is,
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why is she having a go?
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She's learned something.
But hang on, wait, no...
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But we just gave you the chance then,
to defend yourself,
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and you just confirmed Wendy's
point a thousand times over!
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What was all this waffle
about people nicking stuff?
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What's that got
to do with anything?
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Because she's having a go at me.
I didn't Nick anything.
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But she's having a go you for talking
nonsense that's of no consequence,
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which is what you
just did then!
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- That's not nonsense.
- But what was your point?
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All right, then. We'll watch Wendy's
little program when that goes out.
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Let's see what she'sgot to talk about.
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Sick of her.
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00:05:01,242 --> 00:05:04,947
This is why Wendy's having a go, though.
Because you're not being open-minded.
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00:05:04,981 --> 00:05:06,227
You're not thinking about...
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00:05:06,255 --> 00:05:09,185
But we're being open-minded to
good ideas, to sensible thought.
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To intellectual considerations.
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We're not being open-minded
to this utter drivel.
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Yeah, but every invention is a bit...
Who'd have thought the frisbee would have caught on?
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I love the fact that you think the
frisbee is the pinnacle of invention.
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Yeah.
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I think it's amazing.
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00:05:23,143 --> 00:05:26,603
No it's an example of something that,
you know, if he was on some program
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where you, you know, you said, "I've
invented this," they'd go, "get out."
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They wouldn't have...
They wouldn't give him the time of day to say,
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"right, I've made this thing.
It's out of plastic. You throw it about."
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"Well, what for?"
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"Well, you just Chuck itabout on the beach."
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"What's the point?"
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"It's a bit of fun, isn't it?""No I don't like it."
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Okay, that was an
argument with himself.
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No, but do you know what mean?
It's a popular little thing,
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and I'm just saying it's
easy to put ideas down.
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But you've never even come up with
an idea as good as the frisbee,
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and that's saying something.
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I came up with a clippable
mat that goes on a cup.
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And it's... it's a good little thing.
I haven't followed it through yet.
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A what?
A clippable mat.
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What's a clippable
mat? What is that...
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A clippable mat that you stick on a cup, so
you, you put your cup down on a table,
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without having to go,"where's that mat?"
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00:06:06,812 --> 00:06:09,180
It's, it's clipped tothe cup all the time,
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and you put the cup down wherever you
want 'cause it's got a mat on it.
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00:06:11,783 --> 00:06:12,622
I think I've seen that.
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00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:14,752
But why does it have to be clipped to it?
No, I think I have.
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Why couldn't it just be
built into the cup?
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Because, uh...
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So it clips onto... you gotta have special
cups, it doesn't clip onto every cup?
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00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,996
No, but just the same way that
every saucer's different,
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you don't say, "oh, I'm sick of
this saucer, it doesn't fit a mug."
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You, you use the saucer. Like,
I mean, I don't use saucers.
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Just don't buy...
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00:06:32,035 --> 00:06:34,002
But isn't a saucer what
you're talking about?
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Uh, kind of, yeah,
but it's clippable.
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See, Karl, when he disses all these
great inventions and design,
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when he says you don't need
them, it's just faffin',
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what he means is he's a little bit annoyed
that no one's picked up on his ideas,
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like the clippable mat for the mug.
Or, uh, I don't know, what's the one about the tie?
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The tie
that had a pocket?
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Loads of pockets.
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But I didn't come up with that.
That's something that I saw somewhere.
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It never caught on.
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I've never seen anyone wearing one.
Yet it's such a good...
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00:07:01,728 --> 00:07:04,029
It's not a good idea.
It is a good idea.
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00:07:04,063 --> 00:07:06,866
It's like having a carrier bag around your neck.
It doesn't make any sense.
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00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:09,135
It's a tie packedwith stuff you were...
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00:07:09,169 --> 00:07:11,004
"Oi, Frank, nice tie.What you got in there?"
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"Baguette, um..."
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It's ridiculous.
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00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,711
Well, imagine the day that
the tie was invented.
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"There you go. Do you want a tie
?" "What do you do with it?"
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00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,482
"Put it around yourneck." "What for?"
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"Um, I don't know."
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00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:23,418
Well, I'll tell ya.
What?
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00:07:23,452 --> 00:07:24,953
Uh, because you haven't
invented buttons yet,
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00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:27,455
and it keeps your shirt
together at the top.
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00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,157
"Well, all right, then, right.Uh, we've invented buttons,
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00:07:30,191 --> 00:07:31,625
"are we going to stopmaking these ties?"
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00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:32,726
"No." "Why?"
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00:07:33,928 --> 00:07:34,872
He's got you there, Rick.
There you go.
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00:07:34,992 --> 00:07:37,696
Now, I'm saying, "what are you
doing with that tie around your neck?"
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00:07:37,731 --> 00:07:39,731
"Oh, it's a pocket tie.""It's a what?" "Pocket tie."
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00:07:39,766 --> 00:07:41,199
"What do you mean?"
189
00:07:41,234 --> 00:07:42,467
"It's got pockets in it.""Huh. That's weird."
190
00:07:42,502 --> 00:07:44,536
So. I've gotpockets in me jacket.
191
00:07:44,570 --> 00:07:47,105
Yeah, I know but, but, hang on, hang on a minute.
It's a hot day, isn't it?
192
00:07:47,140 --> 00:07:48,106
Don't want to putyour jacket on.
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00:07:48,141 --> 00:07:50,142
Uh, or a tie, ugh.
194
00:07:50,177 --> 00:07:52,244
Well if you're gonna wear a jacket, wear a tie.
Leave the jacket at home.
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00:07:52,278 --> 00:07:53,764
I'm not wearing ajacket. I'm wearing a shirt.
196
00:07:53,773 --> 00:07:56,281
Give it a purpose. If you're gonna
wear something, give it a purpose.
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00:07:56,316 --> 00:07:58,417
Everything has a purpose.
198
00:07:58,451 --> 00:08:01,988
A tie, at the moment, is just
'round your neck, keeping you hot.
199
00:08:02,022 --> 00:08:05,391
If you're going to be hot,
carry something, hands free.
200
00:08:05,425 --> 00:08:06,773
And everything's always there.
201
00:08:06,811 --> 00:08:09,294
A bag, you put stuff in a bag, you
put a bag down, and you forget it.
202
00:08:09,328 --> 00:08:10,996
I always forget bags.
That's why I don't like carrying tm.
203
00:08:11,030 --> 00:08:13,932
You pop it down, you get up, you walk off.
Oh, where's the bag?
204
00:08:13,966 --> 00:08:16,468
A tie, when you go in a cafe or
something for beans on toast,
205
00:08:16,502 --> 00:08:17,635
you don't take your tie off.
206
00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:19,971
I don't wear a tie. I
would if it had pockets.
207
00:08:20,005 --> 00:08:21,005
Karl!
208
00:08:21,039 --> 00:08:22,417
The country would look smarter.
209
00:08:22,537 --> 00:08:24,876
Right. You have a pocket.
So what are you carrying in this pocket?
210
00:08:24,910 --> 00:08:26,444
I have got spare change...
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00:08:26,478 --> 00:08:27,545
Yeah, okay.
212
00:08:27,579 --> 00:08:28,479
Which, uh...
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00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:31,616
You're rattling around like a, like
a cow in Switzerland, just like...
214
00:08:31,651 --> 00:08:35,086
The spare change...
I've got, uh, like, me debit card in there.
215
00:08:35,121 --> 00:08:36,588
Right.
216
00:08:36,622 --> 00:08:39,325
Uh, maybe got me a little front-door
key in one of the pockets.
217
00:08:39,359 --> 00:08:40,359
Okay.
218
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:41,994
A pair of scissors,
if you want.
219
00:08:42,029 --> 00:08:43,863
Amazing.
That's safe, isn't it?
220
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,698
That's a good place put
it, just around the heart area.
221
00:08:45,732 --> 00:08:47,033
Yeah, near
the throat.
222
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:48,100
Yeah.
223
00:08:48,135 --> 00:08:49,384
Probably facing
upwards, brilliant.
224
00:08:49,421 --> 00:08:51,318
Karl, think what you're saying.
225
00:08:51,438 --> 00:08:54,506
So when you, when you're on the beach,
and you've just got your speedos on,
226
00:08:54,541 --> 00:08:57,509
pop a tie on, go to theshop, pop a tie on.
227
00:08:57,543 --> 00:08:59,544
No, you wear it in the
appropriate times.
228
00:08:59,578 --> 00:09:03,347
But I'm just saying, if you're going
to wear a tie, let's make it useful.
229
00:09:03,381 --> 00:09:04,615
Let's give it a purpose.
230
00:09:04,649 --> 00:09:06,183
Don't wear a tie.
It's all right.
231
00:09:06,217 --> 00:09:08,752
You do not need a tie with pockets.
If you're wearing a tie,
232
00:09:08,787 --> 00:09:10,421
you've got clothes
with pockets.
233
00:09:10,455 --> 00:09:12,956
And it's going to be weighing your neck down.
If... I mean, come on.
234
00:09:12,991 --> 00:09:14,027
It's not practical.
235
00:09:14,055 --> 00:09:16,727
Don't go mad. If you're carrying
anything big, you buy the scarf version.
236
00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:26,102
Karl said the most
exciting words.
237
00:09:26,137 --> 00:09:29,072
He said, "I've had
another film idea."
238
00:09:29,139 --> 00:09:30,506
Wow.
239
00:09:30,541 --> 00:09:33,709
Does it star Clive Warren?
240
00:09:33,743 --> 00:09:37,713
Sell it to me like I'm a Hollywood executive.
Sell me the film.
241
00:09:37,747 --> 00:09:39,914
So, what I was thinking is...
242
00:09:39,949 --> 00:09:41,149
Um...
243
00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:44,819
I'm picturing...
244
00:09:44,853 --> 00:09:48,557
Probably... it doesn't matter, it's not as fixed.
It doesn't have to be this person.
245
00:09:48,591 --> 00:09:50,225
But I'm thinking Tom Cruise.
246
00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:51,493
Okay.Cruisy, yeah.
247
00:09:51,528 --> 00:09:52,728
Excellent.Excellent, yeah.
248
00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:54,530
Um,
249
00:09:54,564 --> 00:09:56,398
and the way it works is...
250
00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:59,902
Do you know Tom, by the way,
or have you got an in there or...
251
00:09:59,969 --> 00:10:01,003
No.
252
00:10:01,071 --> 00:10:02,338
Okay.
But you just...
253
00:10:02,372 --> 00:10:04,073
New sort of film...
254
00:10:04,107 --> 00:10:05,808
That would appeal to Tom.
That he'd, he'd sort of be into.
255
00:10:05,842 --> 00:10:06,875
I think it would excite him.
256
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,477
Ok. Great.
Okay.
257
00:10:08,511 --> 00:10:10,012
Um, so...
258
00:10:10,046 --> 00:10:11,513
Have we ordered
coffees? Did, um...
259
00:10:11,548 --> 00:10:12,615
What?
260
00:10:12,682 --> 00:10:13,783
Did Cheryl get you a coffee?
261
00:10:13,817 --> 00:10:15,418
- Yeah.
- Oh okay, thanks, great.
262
00:10:15,452 --> 00:10:16,652
So...
263
00:10:16,687 --> 00:10:17,853
You hungry at all?
Do you wanna...
264
00:10:17,888 --> 00:10:18,954
- No.
- No, great.
265
00:10:19,022 --> 00:10:19,621
So, uh...
266
00:10:19,630 --> 00:10:22,825
Cheryl, I might have a tea,
actually, Cheryl, if you could...
267
00:10:22,859 --> 00:10:24,691
Will we wait for the teas
before she comes in?
268
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:25,555
She'll just...
269
00:10:25,593 --> 00:10:27,499
She'll just sneak in, she'll
be... she will be very quiet.
270
00:10:27,518 --> 00:10:30,033
She's like a dormouse.
You won't even know she's come in.
271
00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,380
Okay.
You just...
272
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,305
You've got your coffee?
No, no, I'm fine, thanks.
273
00:10:34,339 --> 00:10:36,007
Go.
Actually,
274
00:10:36,041 --> 00:10:38,376
uh, I will have a tea
actually, Cheryl.
275
00:10:38,411 --> 00:10:39,678
Two teas, Cheryl.
Thanks.
276
00:10:39,712 --> 00:10:41,113
Okay,.
277
00:10:41,147 --> 00:10:43,015
Right.
278
00:10:43,049 --> 00:10:44,083
Thanks, Cheryl.
279
00:10:44,117 --> 00:10:46,719
Thank
you. Thanks.
280
00:10:46,753 --> 00:10:49,188
Is there sugar... sorry, is
there sugar in this, Cheryl?
281
00:10:50,490 --> 00:10:52,457
Shut the door behind
you. Thank you.
282
00:10:52,491 --> 00:10:54,559
Okay. All the way.
Go.
283
00:10:54,593 --> 00:10:56,127
Go.
284
00:10:56,162 --> 00:10:59,731
Tom Cruise. So I got Tom Cruise,
that's what I've pictured so far.
285
00:10:59,765 --> 00:11:02,834
He, he's just done
Mission Impossible 7...
286
00:11:02,868 --> 00:11:04,469
Right.
287
00:11:04,503 --> 00:11:06,003
Uh, in this film.
288
00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:08,573
Oh, in the film.
So he's playing himself?
289
00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:11,976
No, what you're seeing on the
screen is Mission Impossible 7.
290
00:11:12,010 --> 00:11:14,345
So if we get cruise, he is,
he is playing himself?
291
00:11:14,380 --> 00:11:15,380
Yeah.
292
00:11:15,414 --> 00:11:16,137
And he's
just made...
293
00:11:16,165 --> 00:11:18,850
And in this film, he's just
made Mission Impossible 7?
294
00:11:19,226 --> 00:11:20,885
It's the future is it, this?
295
00:11:20,919 --> 00:11:22,119
No, what you're seeing...
296
00:11:22,154 --> 00:11:24,489
Okay, what's this film called?
297
00:11:24,524 --> 00:11:26,291
I haven't got a title yet.
298
00:11:26,326 --> 00:11:28,227
We'll just call it KarlPilkington project 2.
299
00:11:28,262 --> 00:11:29,529
Right.
Okay. Kp2.
300
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:30,897
So you go in,
301
00:11:30,931 --> 00:11:34,001
the opening thing is
Mission Impossible 7.
302
00:11:34,035 --> 00:11:35,269
I thought this was kp2.
303
00:11:35,304 --> 00:11:36,471
Yeah, I'm confused.
Yeah.
304
00:11:36,505 --> 00:11:38,406
All right, listen. So
what happens is, then,
305
00:11:38,441 --> 00:11:41,277
it, it sort of pans out,you see, it's a telly.
306
00:11:41,311 --> 00:11:42,378
Oh.
307
00:11:42,412 --> 00:11:44,180
There's abloke watching...
308
00:11:44,214 --> 00:11:45,538
Mission Impossible 7.
309
00:11:45,970 --> 00:11:49,184
Right. His girlfriend's watching
it, going "I love Tom Cruise."
310
00:11:49,219 --> 00:11:49,914
Yeah.
311
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:52,588
He's there going, "Ican't be dealing with him."
312
00:11:52,622 --> 00:11:54,089
So it is set in the
future, though, this,
313
00:11:54,123 --> 00:11:55,991
'cause we're assuming that
he's made 7 so this is a...
314
00:11:56,059 --> 00:11:57,092
Yeah.
315
00:11:57,126 --> 00:11:58,560
How far in the future is it?
316
00:11:58,594 --> 00:12:00,995
Well, when will missionimpossible 7 be made?
317
00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:03,098
I don't know. Probably about
two years the way it's going.
318
00:12:03,132 --> 00:12:05,497
Right. So, yeah, 2013?
319
00:12:05,617 --> 00:12:06,661
Let's not get bogged
down in all...
320
00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:09,204
All these things we can iron out,
as they say, in the script.
321
00:12:09,239 --> 00:12:11,006
So you seeMmission
Impossible 7 on the screen...
322
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,375
Cheryl, are any of those
biscuits still knocking around?
323
00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:15,044
Do you wanna do this meeting?
324
00:12:15,078 --> 00:12:16,079
Yes I do, sorry.
Sorry. Sorry.
325
00:12:16,117 --> 00:12:19,382
Sorry he's a bit... he's easily distracted.
But I will have a biscuit as well, Cheryl.
326
00:12:19,416 --> 00:12:23,786
Um, so, okay, I've been watching
as though it's Mission Impossible 7,
327
00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:26,288
it's pulled out, there's aguy in his room, in his...
328
00:12:26,322 --> 00:12:27,956
His girlfriend'swatching it, she's loving it,
329
00:12:27,991 --> 00:12:29,503
- she's a fan of Tom Cruise.
- She loves Tom Cruise, right.
330
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:32,260
He's a little bit niggled,
he wanted to watch something else.
331
00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:33,628
Sure.She decided on the DVD.
332
00:12:33,663 --> 00:12:35,030
He sat there, annoyed.
333
00:12:35,064 --> 00:12:35,785
"I can't be dealingwith Tom Cruise.
334
00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:37,699
"I can't believe they'vemade seven of these films."
335
00:12:37,734 --> 00:12:39,702
Right."He's a rubbish actor.
336
00:12:39,736 --> 00:12:42,404
"I should be the actor.
You know, I've been doing acting for years."
337
00:12:42,438 --> 00:12:43,472
But he's not an actor, he's...
338
00:12:43,506 --> 00:12:44,673
Well he is.
Okay.
339
00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:45,808
But he hasn't quite made it.
340
00:12:45,842 --> 00:12:47,476
He's sending a lotof demos off...
341
00:12:47,510 --> 00:12:49,779
Right, so he's a,he's a struggling actor.
342
00:12:49,813 --> 00:12:51,681
Mmm.
343
00:12:51,715 --> 00:12:55,486
So what happens is, next
day they get up, right?
344
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,687
Yep.
345
00:12:56,721 --> 00:12:57,888
She's still going onabout Tom Cruise.
346
00:12:57,923 --> 00:12:59,457
Loves him.
347
00:12:59,491 --> 00:13:01,559
He thinks, "I'm sickof him," right?
348
00:13:01,594 --> 00:13:02,811
She loves him.
349
00:13:02,931 --> 00:13:07,065
Darn, my biscuit's gone in my tea.
I left it in there too long 'cause he cut me off.
350
00:13:07,099 --> 00:13:08,299
Just hang on. Let
me just think.
351
00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:09,367
Can I get the spoon please?
352
00:13:09,402 --> 00:13:11,136
Yeah, sure.
353
00:13:11,170 --> 00:13:12,904
Oh, it's
all gone soggy.
354
00:13:12,939 --> 00:13:14,406
Soggy.
355
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,307
Cheryl, can we get some more of
those biscuits in here, please?
356
00:13:16,342 --> 00:13:17,415
Do you want... do you
wanna hear more or...
357
00:13:17,443 --> 00:13:18,955
Yeah I'd love to hear more, please.
Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.
358
00:13:18,992 --> 00:13:22,281
I'm just conscious that Colin Firth's coming in.
He's won an Oscar, so...
359
00:13:22,315 --> 00:13:24,616
So, um, what happens is,
360
00:13:24,650 --> 00:13:28,453
he gets so annoyed with hisgirlfriend liking Tom Cruise,
361
00:13:29,755 --> 00:13:31,189
he, um...
362
00:13:32,492 --> 00:13:34,359
He plans to kill him.
363
00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:37,729
So, uh, he sees Tom Cruise,
364
00:13:37,764 --> 00:13:40,465
he kills him somehow.Now it's some way...
365
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,234
Now how does he kill him?
366
00:13:42,268 --> 00:13:44,736
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
367
00:13:44,770 --> 00:13:48,172
So he dies in the film,in Mission Impossible 7.
368
00:13:48,207 --> 00:13:49,741
They're doing thatthing on the strings.
369
00:13:49,775 --> 00:13:51,242
Right.It cuts, he lands.
370
00:13:51,277 --> 00:13:54,446
Right.
His body is in perfect condition.
371
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,181
But how is she
watching the film?
372
00:13:56,215 --> 00:13:58,050
The film, yeah. Did they put it
out even after Tom Cruise died?
373
00:13:58,084 --> 00:14:00,453
No, no, sorry, he was filming
Mission Impossible 8.
374
00:14:00,488 --> 00:14:01,321
So he's... okay, so...
375
00:14:01,355 --> 00:14:02,889
He's filming the next one.
376
00:14:02,923 --> 00:14:04,357
They film the next one.
Mission Impossible 8, okay sure.
377
00:14:04,392 --> 00:14:05,892
He's, he's annoyed.
378
00:14:05,927 --> 00:14:07,828
He's going, "I can't believe they're
making more of these films."
379
00:14:07,862 --> 00:14:11,065
Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. "I can't get a gig
and they're churning this crap out."
380
00:14:11,099 --> 00:14:13,300
So, he on his springs...
381
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,368
On his wires, yeah.
382
00:14:14,402 --> 00:14:15,602
On his wires.Yeah.
383
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:16,870
Springs sounds better.
384
00:14:16,905 --> 00:14:20,541
He's bouncingaround, like a baby...
385
00:14:21,877 --> 00:14:23,011
The string is cut, smash.
386
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:26,047
- Tom Cruise, dead. Right?
- Right.
387
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,683
Right.
388
00:14:27,717 --> 00:14:29,951
The bloke hears this onthe radio, on the news.
389
00:14:29,986 --> 00:14:30,804
Yeah.
390
00:14:30,841 --> 00:14:33,889
The girlfriend's fella.
He hears it on the news, he can't believe it.
391
00:14:33,923 --> 00:14:38,259
He's like, "yeah," takes his eye off the
road a lite bit in the celebration...
392
00:14:39,495 --> 00:14:42,831
Truck plows into the car.
393
00:14:42,865 --> 00:14:45,033
So he's killed as well?
394
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:46,835
- Well, is he?
- Okay.
395
00:14:46,869 --> 00:14:49,037
Little interlude.
396
00:14:49,071 --> 00:14:51,706
Fades up, um,
397
00:14:51,741 --> 00:14:54,542
he comes out of... you're seeingsee his eyes sort of opening.
398
00:14:54,577 --> 00:14:56,747
You know when you're seeing out
the eyes, you see the eyelids?
399
00:14:56,779 --> 00:14:57,385
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
400
00:14:57,404 --> 00:15:00,882
And you see his girlfriend there sort of
looking at him like, a bit, bit startled.
401
00:15:00,917 --> 00:15:02,150
Sure.Oh, yeah.
402
00:15:02,185 --> 00:15:03,518
And he's going, "oh,what happened?"
403
00:15:03,553 --> 00:15:04,953
And she's going, "it's allright, it's all right."
404
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,655
And he's going, "oh,get me a mirror."
405
00:15:06,689 --> 00:15:07,395
She's going, "I don't wannaget you mirror yet."
406
00:15:07,396 --> 00:15:08,965
- Okay.
- Oh, hold on, what's going on?
407
00:15:08,989 --> 00:15:10,926
"You've, you've hada bad accident."
408
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:11,984
What's hegonna look like?
409
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:15,163
All mirrors are out of the room and everything,
he's just learning to, learning to walk.
410
00:15:15,197 --> 00:15:17,899
He's going "why can't I look in the mirror
?" And the doctor's going, "no point."
411
00:15:17,934 --> 00:15:19,435
Yeah.Right, right.
412
00:15:19,469 --> 00:15:21,537
"No point. You've gottaget used to this body."
413
00:15:21,571 --> 00:15:25,941
Then, he gets walking. It'salmost time to go home.
414
00:15:25,975 --> 00:15:28,010
Yep.
415
00:15:28,044 --> 00:15:29,678
His girlfriend comes in.Yep.
416
00:15:29,712 --> 00:15:33,247
It's her job to tellhim the, the news.
417
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:35,449
Oh my God,what is the news?
418
00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:40,687
Um, she says, "there's a mirror.
Look in there." He looks in it. He's Tom Cruise.
419
00:15:40,721 --> 00:15:41,722
Right.
420
00:15:41,842 --> 00:15:46,892
Because head his accident on the set, he had
the accident, he ended up in the hospital,
421
00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:49,929
"quick, quick, we gotta act quick.
This is the time, this is the future."
422
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:52,331
Right. Where they can use bodies...
Here they use...
423
00:15:52,366 --> 00:15:53,370
Bodies, all the rest of it.
424
00:15:53,407 --> 00:15:55,435
So Tom Cruise is dead...
Tom Cruise dead.
425
00:15:55,469 --> 00:15:56,903
This bloke Bryan...
426
00:15:56,937 --> 00:15:59,672
His body's squashed, but...
427
00:15:59,706 --> 00:16:01,114
What's his name, Bryan?
Yeah.
428
00:16:01,132 --> 00:16:04,310
But Bryan's brain is in Tom Cruise's body?
Just a donor body, he just happens to...
429
00:16:04,344 --> 00:16:05,845
Just happened to...
That's how it'll be...
430
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,480
It's just meat,
it's just...
431
00:16:07,515 --> 00:16:09,416
Just like a lung donor, or a heart donor.
Exactly, yeah.
432
00:16:09,451 --> 00:16:13,888
So, so this is Bryan. He just looks like Tom Cruise now.
He's got Tom Cruise's flesh.
433
00:16:13,922 --> 00:16:17,659
Yeah. Now at first,initially, he's annoyed.
434
00:16:17,694 --> 00:16:20,596
Sorry, just practically, who is
doing the voiceover then for the...
435
00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:22,231
It's Tom now.
436
00:16:22,265 --> 00:16:25,635
So Tom's sort of doing a
impression of this actor...
437
00:16:25,669 --> 00:16:27,603
Bryan's inside Tom.
438
00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:29,505
His name is Bryan, but when
you look at it on the telly,
439
00:16:29,539 --> 00:16:30,906
when the camera whizzes 'round,
440
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:32,174
yeah.
441
00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:33,575
And you see him sat inhis bed, it's Tom Cruise.
442
00:16:33,610 --> 00:16:34,458
Sure. Right, okay.
443
00:16:34,477 --> 00:16:36,978
His girlfriend's over the moon,
'cause she loves Tom Cruise.
444
00:16:37,013 --> 00:16:38,064
Right. Moon.
445
00:16:38,184 --> 00:16:41,248
He's gutted 'cause he can't stand him, he
can't stand the films. He's thinking...
446
00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:42,393
Yeah, but he must be thinking,
447
00:16:42,394 --> 00:16:45,419
"I look like Tom Cruise, one of the
most loved actors of his generation."
448
00:16:45,453 --> 00:16:47,954
Well you'd think so, but he's not,
because he's in shock, remember.
449
00:16:47,989 --> 00:16:51,058
He was expecting to see himself.
When he looks in the mirror, he sees someone else.
450
00:16:51,092 --> 00:16:52,225
Yeah that must be
shocking, yeah.
451
00:16:52,259 --> 00:16:53,459
So...
Also the voice is...
452
00:16:53,494 --> 00:16:55,037
He's going "I can'tstand this."
453
00:16:55,066 --> 00:16:57,631
And she's going "calm down, calm
down, you'll get used to it."
454
00:16:57,665 --> 00:16:59,500
"Just don't wannaget used to it."
455
00:16:59,534 --> 00:17:02,837
And, uh, she's sort of saying,
"look, you're alive."
456
00:17:02,871 --> 00:17:04,572
Right.
457
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,040
"Stop moaning."Yeah.
458
00:17:06,074 --> 00:17:07,141
"Stop moaning, Bryan."
459
00:17:07,175 --> 00:17:08,275
Uh...
460
00:17:08,310 --> 00:17:09,410
She called him Bryan, I assume?
461
00:17:09,444 --> 00:17:10,286
She says...
462
00:17:10,287 --> 00:17:13,981
And Tom Cruise just had a sort of donor card
that allowed his body to be given away, did it?
463
00:17:14,016 --> 00:17:15,383
Yeah, it's the future.
Right.
464
00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:19,103
This is, this is 2013 Steve.
Things have changed.
465
00:17:20,055 --> 00:17:22,657
Right. What's his
Girlfriend's name?
466
00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:23,858
Claire.
467
00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:25,593
Claire. Claire and
Bryan, okay.
468
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,762
Okay, just a different body.
Just a slightly different look. Claire.
469
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:29,931
Right. All right, so, he's seen
that he looks like Tom Cruise.
470
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,799
He's shocked, but he's
getting used to it?
471
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,201
He doesn't look like
him, he is him.
472
00:17:33,235 --> 00:17:34,635
When he leaves the hospital...
473
00:17:34,670 --> 00:17:35,504
They go "oh, Tom, Ithought you were dead."
474
00:17:35,523 --> 00:17:36,838
They're all going"it's Tom! It's Tom!"
475
00:17:36,875 --> 00:17:39,307
And he's going "oh, yeah," and he's
going, "oh, I knew this would happen,
476
00:17:39,341 --> 00:17:40,208
"it's doing me head in."
477
00:17:40,237 --> 00:17:42,010
- So he wheels out, he's in the wheelchair.
- Okay.
478
00:17:42,044 --> 00:17:43,678
Sick of this."
479
00:17:43,712 --> 00:17:46,581
Uh, the other patients are going,
"Tom, I thought you were dead."
480
00:17:46,615 --> 00:17:48,644
And he's going, "yeah, yeah,yeah." And he's annoyed.
481
00:17:48,663 --> 00:17:52,020
He gets in the car.He gets out there.
482
00:17:52,054 --> 00:17:55,892
And he sees a poster up on
the side of the road, right.
483
00:17:55,926 --> 00:17:58,527
For Mission Impossible 8.
484
00:17:58,561 --> 00:18:00,495
It's... hold on,
though...
485
00:18:00,529 --> 00:18:02,997
It's finished. I thought he died
while they were filming it?
486
00:18:03,032 --> 00:18:03,759
It's not finished.
487
00:18:03,879 --> 00:18:06,935
But now, these days, they're shouting
about films before they're made.
488
00:18:06,969 --> 00:18:08,870
Wow. And they go brilliant, and
all the hype and everything.
489
00:18:08,904 --> 00:18:10,638
But they put a poster up even after...
Seems premature.
490
00:18:10,672 --> 00:18:12,206
No, the poster was already up.
491
00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:14,842
That seems premature, given that a
man died during the production.
492
00:18:14,877 --> 00:18:15,910
Doesn't matter!
493
00:18:15,944 --> 00:18:17,545
I'd... I'd have taken
the posters down.
494
00:18:17,579 --> 00:18:19,280
No... but then I don't
work in Hollywood.
495
00:18:19,314 --> 00:18:20,074
Right.
496
00:18:20,102 --> 00:18:22,883
So the poster's up there, and he sees
it as he's in the car driving past.
497
00:18:22,917 --> 00:18:25,318
Yeah. And he thinks, "that can't...
That can't be finished."
498
00:18:25,353 --> 00:18:26,386
That makessense, yea
499
00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:28,254
they both look at each other.
500
00:18:28,289 --> 00:18:30,690
"This is your chance. You wanted to be an actor.
This is the chance."
501
00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:31,891
- Yeah.- Right.
502
00:18:31,925 --> 00:18:34,026
Go back to the studio.So he goes in...
503
00:18:35,495 --> 00:18:39,007
"Hello, you don't know me," and
they go, "o we think we do."
504
00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:43,067
And he goes, "no you don't. I'm Bryan.
Tom died on your film set."
505
00:18:43,101 --> 00:18:45,703
Well, they must know that.
They must know...
506
00:18:45,737 --> 00:18:47,638
That Tom Cruise is dead.
That Tom Cruise died.
507
00:18:47,673 --> 00:18:49,841
Because his family
must have been...
508
00:18:49,875 --> 00:18:51,643
All right, if you want, it makes no difference.
We can tweak the script.
509
00:18:51,677 --> 00:18:54,746
So this is... Bryan has turned
up, looking like Tom Cruise.
510
00:18:54,781 --> 00:18:59,385
He's at the film company, right, who must
know that Tom Cruise died on their film set.
511
00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:00,954
What were they gonna do?
512
00:19:00,988 --> 00:19:02,789
Well they would have to wrap it up.
They would have had to say...
513
00:19:02,824 --> 00:19:04,724
Well then what you said,
the... the posters are up!
514
00:19:04,759 --> 00:19:06,943
Yes, the posters are up before
they've even finished filming.
515
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:08,995
So they're cancelling the
film, until he walks in.
516
00:19:09,030 --> 00:19:09,722
Basically, yeah.
517
00:19:09,750 --> 00:19:11,422
Oh, so they are cancelling the film.
They're cancelling it.
518
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:15,401
Okay, so, "uh, we're afraid
that, um, uh, production has stopped"
519
00:19:15,435 --> 00:19:19,004
"on Mission Impossible, uh, 8, due to
the death of Tom Cruise. It's done."
520
00:19:19,039 --> 00:19:20,272
"Hang on a
minute!" "What?"
521
00:19:20,306 --> 00:19:22,074
"I'm Bryan."
522
00:19:22,108 --> 00:19:25,110
"Who the... who's Bryan?
Oh my God, you look exactly like Tom Cruise!"
523
00:19:25,144 --> 00:19:28,580
"Oh, they've done that thing where they
put Bryan's brain in Tom Cruise's body?"
524
00:19:28,614 --> 00:19:29,423
"Yeah."
525
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,117
"Ah, but it's not Tom Cruise.You can't act like him..."
526
00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:33,282
"I'm an actor."
527
00:19:33,402 --> 00:19:35,621
"Yeah, but are you as good, 'cause he
was like one of the best actors..."
528
00:19:35,656 --> 00:19:36,956
"Yeah. He's not that good.I never rated him."
529
00:19:36,990 --> 00:19:38,791
"Yeah, but a lot of peopledid, and he's got..."
530
00:19:38,826 --> 00:19:40,393
"Yeah, but a lot ofpeople didn't."
531
00:19:40,427 --> 00:19:42,162
"Right." "So let me bring in
a new audience for you, eh?
532
00:19:42,196 --> 00:19:43,330
"I can bring abit to this."
533
00:19:43,364 --> 00:19:44,035
Right.
534
00:19:44,063 --> 00:19:47,133
So this, of course, gives
it a boost because...
535
00:19:47,168 --> 00:19:48,501
Right.
Um...
536
00:19:48,536 --> 00:19:49,502
Well, the flagging franchise
is being rejuvenated.
537
00:19:49,537 --> 00:19:51,071
People want to see
how good Bryan is.
538
00:19:51,105 --> 00:19:53,406
The, the press, thenews that's out there.
539
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,007
Tom Cruise and his new film.
540
00:19:55,042 --> 00:19:57,176
Well, it's not Tom Cruise.
They can't say that.
541
00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:59,678
Well, it is though. When you look at
him, you go "oh, it's Tom Cruise."
542
00:19:59,712 --> 00:20:01,847
Well no, you've gotta say a bloke
that looks like Tom Cruise.
543
00:20:01,881 --> 00:20:04,749
"The body of
Tom Cruise, the acting is still Bryan."
544
00:20:08,621 --> 00:20:09,854
"In a new movie..."
545
00:20:09,888 --> 00:20:11,189
"Mission Impossible 8",
546
00:20:11,223 --> 00:20:16,061
"starring the bones and skinand stuff of Tom Cruise.
547
00:20:16,095 --> 00:20:17,395
"With Bryan's brain!"
548
00:20:17,429 --> 00:20:19,063
Oh, forget it.
Do you like..
549
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:24,269
Do you like Tom Cruise's face,
but not his acting?
550
00:20:24,304 --> 00:20:27,340
Then you'll love
Mission Impossible 8!
551
00:20:27,374 --> 00:20:28,474
I can't be bothered.
552
00:20:28,508 --> 00:20:30,009
Ah! Oh...
553
00:20:30,043 --> 00:20:31,911
"Mission Impossible 8,
554
00:20:31,946 --> 00:20:34,748
"from the people who broughtyou the first seven,
555
00:20:34,782 --> 00:20:38,052
"and the hair of the blokewho was in the first seven,
556
00:20:38,086 --> 00:20:40,655
"but with Bryan doingall the lines!"
557
00:20:40,689 --> 00:20:44,793
With Bryan! It's
some cunt I've never heard of!
558
00:20:44,828 --> 00:20:47,096
Oho, the seventh sequel!
559
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:50,265
No wait, sorry, I really want to
hear the ending of this movie.
560
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:53,569
Please let me ask, 'cause you've had, you
had your chance to ask him questions.
561
00:20:53,603 --> 00:20:54,410
Right.
562
00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:57,472
So where are we, in a sort of
90-minute running time of movie,
563
00:20:57,506 --> 00:21:00,108
where are we now in the film?
Are we about two-thirds of the way through?
564
00:21:00,142 --> 00:21:01,622
Wee close. We're
close to the end.
565
00:21:01,650 --> 00:21:05,546
Okay. So, Mission Impossible 8
has been made.
566
00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:06,651
So what's the end of our movie?
567
00:21:06,688 --> 00:21:11,284
Not of Mission Impossible 8, but the movie
you're making. What's the ending there?
568
00:21:11,318 --> 00:21:12,003
Uh...
569
00:21:12,022 --> 00:21:14,820
Do we ever get to see him
in Mission Impossible 8?
570
00:21:14,854 --> 00:21:18,190
I think, yeah, but Ithink what happens is, um,
571
00:21:18,192 --> 00:21:20,926
he becomes the personwho he never liked.
572
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,895
- I think, yeah, but I- What happens is, um,
573
00:21:22,929 --> 00:21:26,198
and it's, it's, I just wanna get
across the moral that, who are we?
574
00:21:26,233 --> 00:21:29,836
Are we the people in our body,or the people we look like
575
00:21:30,838 --> 00:21:33,039
what's important in life?
576
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:35,643
Is it the way you look,or the way you think?
577
00:21:35,677 --> 00:21:38,146
And he, he changes becausehe looks like Tom Cruise,
578
00:21:38,180 --> 00:21:39,848
he becomes the manhe never liked.
579
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,117
Oh, and what's his
girlfriend think of this?
580
00:21:42,151 --> 00:21:43,919
Whose?
581
00:21:43,953 --> 00:21:44,849
Bryan's.
582
00:21:45,197 --> 00:21:49,324
She's loving it, isn't she, cause it's...
She always liked Tom Cruise. She's...
583
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:52,427
What did Bryan look like?
Who would play him in this film?
584
00:21:54,963 --> 00:22:00,367
Probably... what's his name, the
bloke who was in cheers, probably.
585
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,469
Ted Danson?Ted Danson.
586
00:22:01,503 --> 00:22:02,214
Ted Danson.
587
00:22:02,334 --> 00:22:04,271
So Ted Danson is Bryan.
588
00:22:04,273 --> 00:22:05,873
So Claire, right...
589
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:07,474
This is so confusing!
590
00:22:07,508 --> 00:22:11,512
Because Ted Danson's supposed to be
someone that we've never heard of,
591
00:22:11,546 --> 00:22:13,547
even though he's Ted Danson,
592
00:22:13,581 --> 00:22:17,384
and Tom Cruise is playing himself,
the famous actor Tom Cruise,
593
00:22:17,418 --> 00:22:21,955
who is now inhabited by Ted
Danson, who's not Ted Danson.
594
00:22:21,989 --> 00:22:23,991
Ted Danson!
595
00:22:24,025 --> 00:22:26,527
(ln trailer voice
"Ted Danson as Bryan."
596
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,164
Ted Danson as Bryan,
597
00:22:30,199 --> 00:22:34,770
as Tom Cruise as Ethan Huntin Mission Impossible 8.
598
00:22:36,005 --> 00:22:37,039
Forget it.
Wow.
599
00:22:37,073 --> 00:22:39,341
Who's playing Claire?
600
00:22:39,376 --> 00:22:40,352
Uh...
601
00:22:40,390 --> 00:22:43,512
I don't... well I'm... I'm up for your,
you know, that's why I've come to you.
602
00:22:43,547 --> 00:22:44,512
Okay, so...
There's an obvious suggestion,
603
00:22:44,549 --> 00:22:46,549
Rebecca demornay.
604
00:22:47,322 --> 00:22:51,053
She's so hot after the love
of a brain, or whatever it was called.
605
00:22:54,624 --> 00:22:56,224
Oh!
606
00:22:56,258 --> 00:22:58,793
you wanna go
where everybody knows your name
607
00:22:58,827 --> 00:23:00,862
And it's Bryan!
608
00:23:03,364 --> 00:23:07,628
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609
00:23:07,678 --> 00:23:12,228
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