All language subtitles for The Hangover - en

Subtitles enhanced by "Dr. Zia R Khan".
Enjoy the Movie.

Hey, you reached Doug.
Sorry, I missed your call.

Please leave a name and number
and I'll get back to you.

Hey, this is Phil. Leave
me a message, or don't.

Do me a favor. Don't text me, it's gay.

Anything?/ I tried them all.
It keeps going straight to voice mail.

There has to be an explanation./
Sweety, it's Vegas.

You'll lose track of time in those casinos.
There's no windows, or clocks.

He's probably on a heater.

And you never walk away from the
table when you're on a heater.

You do if you're getting married.

Tracy, it's Phil.

Phil, where the hell are
you guys? I'm freaking out.

Yea, listen...

We fucked up.

What are you talking about?

The bachelor party, the whole night.

Things got out of control and, uh...

We lost Doug.

What?/
We can't find Doug.

What are you saying, Phil?
We're getting married in 5 hours.

Yeah.

That's not gonna happen.

Subtitle by:
D34N [subscene.com]

You have to move...
Thank you.

Whoa, watch it pervert!

It's okay Alan.
He's just doing your inseam.

It's getting very close to my shaft.

All done.
You can change now.

Thanks, Floyd.
Thank you very much.

Alright, buddy.
We should get a move on.

You know, Doug.
I was thinking...

If you wanna go to Vegas
without me, it's totally cool.

What are you talking about?

Phil and Stu, they're your buddies
and it's your bachelor party.

Come on, Alan.
Those two love you.

I also don't want you to have to hold
back because your wife's brother is there.

It's not like that...

It's not like that.
I already told you, Alan.

We're just spending a night
in Vegas. It's no big deal.

Besides, you're not just my wife's
brother, you're my brother now.

I want you to know, Doug,
I'm a steel-trap.

Whatever happens tonight,
I will never, ever, speak a word of it.

Okay, I got it. Thank you.
I don't think that...

Seriously, I don't care what happens.
I don't care if we kill someone.

What?

You heard me.
It's Sin City.

Hold your soul.

Okay, I got it.

Thank you./
No. Thank you.

I love you so much.

No, Sid.

Really?/ Come on.
We're family now.

Are you sure?
You love this car.

Doug, it's just a car. Just
make sure when you get there...

Put some armor all on the tires
so the sand doesn't seep in.

Absolutely.
That's easy.

Don't let Alan drives. Because,
there's something wrong with him.

Understood./ And Phil either.
I don't like him.

I will be the only one driving
this car. I promise./ Good.

Remember. What happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Except for Herpes.
That shit'll come back with you.

Hold on, I still need some
of your permission slips.

And $90 for the field trip to the
Griffith observatory next weekend.

Pay now or forever regret missing out
in this experience of a lifetime, guys.

You're good. You got it./
Thank you Mr. Wenneck.

Thank you, Wilson.
Thanks Bob. Way to go.

Do you have to park so close?/
Yeah. What's wrong?

We shouldn't be here.

Why is that Alan?/ I'm not supposed
to be within 200 feet of a school.

What?/
Or Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey, Mr. Wenneck./ It's the weekend,
Nick. I don't know you. You do not exist.

Shit. Nice car./ Yeah./
I'm driving.

No chance, but...
Don't step...

Will you shut up and drive before one
of these nerds ask me another question.

Who's this?/
It's Alan. Tracy's brother.

I met you like, four times./
Oh yeah. How you doin', man?

Don't forget your Rogaine./
Rogaine, check.

And don't forget to use it.

I can totally tell when you forget.
Your hair just looks thinner.

Using of the Rogaine, check.

And make sure to call me right when
you get to the hotel, not like that...

Conference in Phoenix. I had to wait
two hours for you to call me.

I was the keynote speaker.
I was late to the podium.

Still.../ Yeah, you're
totally right. I'm sorry.

What is the matter?/
I don't know.

I just know you're gonna go to a
strip club when you're out there.

Melissa, we're going to
Napa Valley.

I don't even think they have
strip club in wine country.

I'm sure if there's one,
Phil will sniff it out.

It's not gonna be like that.

Besides, you know how I feel
about that sort of thing.

I know, it's just, boys and their
bachelor parties. It's gross.

You're right. It is gross.

Not to mention it's pathetic.
Those places are filthy.

And the worst part is...

That little girl grinding, and dry
humping the fucking stage up there.

That's somebody's daughter up there./
That's somebody's daughter up there.

I was just gonna say that./
See?

I just wish your friends were
as mature as you.

They are mature, actually. You just
have to get to know them better.

Paging Doctor Faggot.

Doctor Faggot.

I should go./ That's a
good idea, Dr. Faggot.

Have a good weekend.
I'll miss you.

Road trip!

Hey, Vegas!
Vegas, baby.

Vegas.

Come on, just 'till Barstow.
Everybody's passing us.

Absolutely not. I promised Sid,
I will be the only one driving this car.

Besides you're drinking./
What, are you a cop now?

You know I drive great
when I'm drunk.

That's true. Don't forget Phil was
always our designated drunk driver.

Do you wanna explain to them, Alan?

Guys, my dad loves this car
more than he loves me, so yeah.

I left my wife and my kid at home
so I can go with you guys to Vegas.

Do you know how difficult that was?

It's really sweet, Phil.

I was being sarcastic.
I fucking hate my life.

I may never go back. I
might just stay in Vegas.

Here we go.

You know, Doug. You should enjoy
yourself, because come saturday...

You're gonna start dying
a little bit. Everyday.

That's why I managed to
stay single this whole time.

Oh, really? That's why you're single?/
Yeah./ Cool. Good to know.

Am I alright over there, Alan?

Yeah, you're good./
Alright.

Oh, Jesus Christ!/
Oh, my God.

That was awesome.

That was not awesome!
What's wrong with you.

That was insane.
We almost just die.

You should've seen your face.
It's classic.

It's not funny.

You've got a sweet ride there./
Don't touch it.

Don't even look at it.
Go on. Get out. You heard me.

Don't look at me either.

Yeah, you better walk on.

He's actually kind of funny./
Yeah, he means well.

I'll hit an old man in public.

Is he all there, like, mentally?

I think so, he's just not guy,
and he's kind of weird.

Should we be worried?/ No.

Tracy did mention that we shouldn't
let him gamble or drink to much.

Jesus, he's like a gremlin.
Comes with instructions and shit

And one water.

I'll go with Melissa?/
Oh, yeah.

I told her we're two hour outside
of wine country, and she bought it.

Don't you think it's strange that
you've been in relationship for 3 years..

But you still have to lie about
going to Vegas./ Yeah, I do.

But, trust me it's not worth the fight.

So, you can't go to Vegas but she can
fuck a bellhop on a carnival cruise line.

Okay, first of all, he was a bartender.
And she was wasted.

And if you must know,
he didn't even come inside her.

And you believe that?/
Yeah I do believe that.

Because she's grossed out by semen.

That'll be $32.50.

It's $32.50, I'll pay for it.

It says here we should work in teams.
Who wants to be my spotter?

I don't think you should be doing
too much gambling tonight, Alan.

Gambling? Who said
anything about gambling?

It's not gambling when you know
you're gonna win.

Counting card is a foolproof system.

It's also illegal./ It's not
illegal. It's frowned upon, like...

Masturbating on an airplane.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

Yeah, maybe after 9/11 where
everybody gets so sensitive.

Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.

Either way, you gotta be super smart
to count cards, buddy./ Oh, really?

It's not easy./ Maybe we
should tell that to rain man...

Because he practically bankrupted
the casino and he was a 'ratard.'

What?

He was a 'ratard.'

Retard.

Here we go.

Hi, welcome to Caesar's./ Hi.

Checking in?/ Yeah.

We have a reservation under Dr. Price./
Okay, let me look that up for you.

Dr. Price? Stu, you're a dentist.
And don't try and get fancy.

It's not fancy if it's true./ He's
a dentist. Don't get too excited.

And if someone has a heart attack,
you should still call 911.

We'll be sure to do that.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you know if the hotel is
pager-friendly?/ What do you mean?

I'm not getting a sig' on
my beeper./ I'm not sure.

Is there a payphone bank?
Bunch of payphones? Business.

There's a phone in your room./
That'll work.

I have you in a two bedroom suite
on the 12th floor, is that okay?

Sounds perfect./ Actually, I was
wondering if you have any villas available.

Phil, we're not even gonna be
in the room./ That's unnecessary.

It's no big deal. We can
share beds. One night.

If we share beds, I'm buckle with Phil.

You good with that?/
No, I'm not good with that.

We're not sharing beds.
What, are we 12 years olds?

Lisa, I appologize.
How much is the villa?

We have one villa available,
and it's $4200 for the night.

Is it awesome?/
It's pretty awesome.

We'll take it.

Give her your credit card./
I can't give her my credit card.

We'll split it./ Are you crazy?
No, this is on us.

You don't get it. Melissa
checks my statements.

We just need a credit
card on file.

We won't charge you
anything until you check out.

So you can figure it out then./ Perfect.
That's Perfect. Thank you, Lisa.

And we'll deal with
it tomorrow. Come on.

Fine.

Can I ask you another
question?/ Sure.

You probably get this a lot. This
isn't the real Caesar's Palace, is it?

What do you mean?

Did Caesar live here?/
No.

I didn't think so.

Holy shit.

This is Vegas.

Oh, my...
This place is enormous.

Now we're talking.

It's all one suite?

Thank you, guys.
Or should I say thank you, Stu.

You're welcome.
It's only because I love you.

Okay, ladies, pick a room. Get dressed.
We should be ready in 30 minutes.

I just wish you could see this place,
because you, of all people...

Would love it. Yeah.
No, it's so quiet.

There's no TVs, no phones.

They just have this cute little
antique radios in all the rooms.

What else?

We met the proprietor.
What's his name?

Ceasar Palace.
Yeah, like the salad.

Okay, I gotta go. Because we're
gonna hit this wine tasting.

Okay, wait. I love you.

Bye.

I'm not even gonna say anything.
It's so embarassing.

Where's Alan?/
He went downstairs.

He said he had to grab a few things.

Good. Because I have
something to show you.

What the hell is that?/
What do you think it is?

That's what I think it is.
I think it's a big fucking mistake.

I'm gonna proposed to Melissa
at your wedding. After the ceremony.

Stuey, congratulations./
Thank you, Doug.

That's a beautiful ring./
Yeah, that's my grandmother's.

She made it all the way through the
holocaust with that thing. It's legit.

I don't get it. Have you not
listen to anything I've ever said?

Phil, we've been dating for 3 years.
It's time. This is how it works.

A, that is bullshit. And
B, she is a complete bitch.

Hey, that's his fiance.

It's true. You know it's true.
She beats him.

That was twice and I was out of line.
She's strong-willed. And I respect that.

Wow. He's in denial.

Not to mention she fucked the sailor.

He wasn't a sailor. He was a bartender
on a cruise ship. You know that.

Guys, I'm standing right here, so
I can hear everything you're saying.

Hey, guys, you ready
to let the dogs out?/ What?

Let the dogs out. You know,
like, who let the dogs out.

Who brought this guy along?

Yes, Alan. We're ready to let the
dogs out. Hey, congrats./ Thank you.

You're not really wearing that, are you?/
Wearing what?/ The man purse.

You're actually gonna wear that or
you guys just fuckin' with me?

This is where I keep all my things.
I get a lot of compliments on this.

Plus it's not a man purse. It's called
a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

So does Joy Behar.

We're going up, guys./
Yeah, that's perfect.

Really?

We're going up?

I'm just saying it's
clearly marked, okay?

We're definitely not
supposed to be up here.

C'mon, Stu. We're paying for the villa.
We can do whatever the fuck we want.

Just wedge the door up.

Guy's come on up here.

How the hell did you find this place?/
Don't worry about it.

You alright?/ Yeah.

Look at the view up here./
Are you happy?/ This is great.

Wow. Are you kidding?

Alan, how are we doing, buddy?/ Good.

What do you got over there, Alan?

That's the Eiffel Tower.

A little Yagermeister. Good idea./
Good call./ On the roof.

This is good. I'd like to make a toast.

To Doug and Tracy.
May tonight be...

But a minor speed-bump and in otherwise
very long and healthy marriage.

Cheers.

It's like college./ I wanna
talk about something.

I'd like to...
I'd like to say something.

That I prepared tonight./
Alright, Alan.

Hello.

How bout that ride in. I guess
that's why they call it Sin City.

Ha-ha-ha.

You guys might not know this, but
I considered myself a bit of a loner.

I tend to think of myself
as a one-man wolf pack.

But when my sister brought Doug home,
I knew he was one of my own.

And my wolf pack, it grew by one.

So there were two of
us in the wolf pack.

I was alone first in the pack,
and then Doug joined in later.

And six months ago, when
Doug introduced me to you guys...

I thought, "Wait a second.
Could it be...?"

And now I know for sure. I just
added two more guys to my wolf pack.

Alright.

Four of us wolves. Running around
the desert together. In Las Vegas.

Looking for strippers and cocaine.

So tonight, I make a toast.

What do you got there?

What the fuck?/
What are you doing?

What is that?/
Blood brothers.

God damn it. Alan, no./
I'm not doing that. Make him stop.

Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves.
Give me the knife. Slowly. Thank you.

Are you alright? Do you need a doctor?

He's fine. He's good.

Are you sure?/ I'm good./ Perfect.

Alan, come here, buddy./
Get in here, crazy.

Alright. To a night the four
of us will never forget.

Cheers.

What the fuck?

Control yourself, man. God damn.
Will you put on some pants?

Phil, do not go in the bathroom./
Alan, just calm down it's me.

Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.

What's going on?

There's a jungle cat in the bathroom.

Okay, I'll check it out.

Becareful. Don't.

Holy fuck. He's not kidding.
There's a tiger in there.

No, there isn't./
Yeah.

That bitch is gigantic.

You okay, buddy?/ No. I'm
in so much pain right now.

God damn. Look at this place.

I know. Phil, they have my credit
card downstairs. I'm so screwed.

How does a tiger get in the
bathroom? It almost killed me.

You mind putting on some pants? I find
it a little weird I have to ask twice.

Pants, at times like this?
I dont have any.

What the fuck happened last night.

Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?

Oh, my god.

My lateral incisor, it's gone.

Okay, just calm down. We're
fine. Everything is fine.

Alan, go wake up Doug.

Let's get some coffee and
get the fuck out of Nevada...

Before house-keeping shows up.

What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a
tooth. I have no idea how it happened.

You freaking me out, man. I got a
massive headache. Let's just calm down.

How am I supposed to calm down?
Look around you.

Hey, guys, he's not in there.

Did you check all the rooms?/
Yeah, I looked everywhere.

Plus his mattress is gone.

He probably went to the pool to get
something to eat. Let's call his cell.

I look like a nerdy hillbilly.

Alan./ Hey.

It's Phil./
Oh, hey phil...

This is Doug's phone.

No shit./ Yeah.

What the fuck is that?

Whose fuckin' baby is that?

Alan, are you sure you didn't see
anyone else in the suite?

Yeah, I checked all the rooms.
No one's here.

Check its collar or something.

It's okay, baby.

Stu, we don't have time for this.

Let's go hook up with Doug.
We'll deal with the baby later.

Phil, we're not gonna
leave a baby in the room.

There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom.

It's not our baby./ Yeah,
I gotta side with Stu on this one.

Alright, fine. We'll take it with us.
Can you at least find some pants?

Why can't we remember a god
damned thing from last night?

Because we obviously
had a great fucking time.

Why don't you just stop
worrying for one minute.

Proud of yourself.

Oh, how cute. What's his name?

Ben.

Carlos.

Carlos?

Hey, Phil, look.

He's jacking his little weenis.

Pull yourself together, man.

Not at the table, Carlos.

I looked everywhere.

Gym, casino, front desk nobody
seen Doug. He's not here.

He's fine. He's a grown man.

Seriously, Stu. You gotta calm
down. Here, have some juice.

Okay, let's just track this thing.

What's the last thing we
remember doing last night?

The first thing was we're on the roof
and we're having shots of Yager.

And then we had dinner at
The Palm, right?/ That's right.

Then we play crabs at the Hard
Rock, and I think Doug was there.

That sounds right.
No, he definitely was.

You know what, guys? I don't
even remember going to dinner.

I know. What the fuck? I don't think
I've ever been this hungover.

After the Hard Rock I blacked
out. It was like emptiness.

We have him until 10
p.m so that gives us...

A twelve hour window
where we could've lost him.

What is this?

Oh, my god. That is my tooth.

Why do you have that?

What else is in your pocket?

No, it's a good thing.
Check your pockets.

Do you have anything?

I have an ATM receipt from The Bellagio.

11:05 for $800.
I am so fucked.

I have a valet ticket from Caesar's.
Looks like we got in at 5:15 am.

Oh, shit. We drove last night?

Driving drunk. Classic.

What's on your arm?

What the fuck?/ Jesus. Phil, you
were in the hospital last night.

I guess so, yeah./ You okay?

Yeah, Alan. I'm fine.

What the hell is going on?/ Stu, this
is a good thing. We have a lead now.

Hey, Stu. Watch this.

Do you ever see a baby do that?

Alan, it's not cool.

Are you sure you're qualified to be
taking care of that baby?

What are you talkin' about?
I've found a baby before.

You've found a baby before?/
Yeah.

Where?/ Coffee Bean.

Hey, Phil, I don't think Doug
would want us to take the Mercedes.

Relax we'll be careful.

My dad is crazy about that car
and he left Doug in charge.

Alan, we got bigger problems here. Doug
could be in hospital. He could be hurt.

Let's worry about the car later.

Guys, check it out.

Is that the mattress from Doug's room?

What the fuck?

Hey, what's going on?

Some assholes threw his bed
off the window last night.

No shit.

Some guys just can't handle Vegas.

It's gonna be okay, Stu.

How the hell did a mattress...

Here's your car, officers.

Oh, god.

Alright, everybody act cool. Don't
say a word. Let's just get in and go.

Stu, you got a 5?/
No.

I'll hit you on the way back.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, my god.

You just nailed the baby.

My glasses okay?

Your glasses are fine, dick.

This is so illegal.

Can't you see the fun part of anything?

Yeah we're stuck in traffic
in a stolen police car...

With what is sure to be a
missing child in the back seat.

Which part of this is fun?

I think the cop car part is pretty cool.

Thank you, Alan. It is cool.
Doug would love it.

Come on.

Check this out.

Oh, no. Don't, Phil. Don't
do this./ Take it easy.

Just don't try to call for more
attention to us./ Attention./ Sorry.

Attention, please.
Move out of the way.

I repeat. Please disperse.

Phil, stop the car.
I wanna get out. Pull over.

Ma'm, in the leopard dress...

You have an amazing rack.

Get off the sidewalk.

I should've been a fuckin' cop.

Look, I already told you.

You came in here with a mild
concussion, some bruised ribs.

No big deal.

Although none of you could
articulate how it happened.

Do you remember how
many of us were here?

I don't know. I think
it was just you guys.

Definitely no baby.

And one other guy.

That's our guy.
Was he okay?

Yeah, he was fine. Just whacked
out of his mind. You all were.

Alright. Come forward.

And turn.

Alright, here we go.

And cough.

Cough.

Give me one more.

Alright. Attaboy.

Felix, you can put your robe on.
The nurse will be here in a minute.

I'll see you after the weekend.

Thank you, doctor.

Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry.
I have a surgery up on the 4th floor.

I know. We just need a couple
more minutes of your time.

Yeah. Tuck it right in there.
I don't wanna resterilized.

Walk with me.

Okay, here we go.
Patient name Phil Wenneck.

2:45 a.m arrival.

Minor concussion like I said.
Some bruising. Pretty standard.

Do you mind if I take a look.
I'm actually a doctor.

You said that several times last night.
But, really, you're just a dentist.

Okay, this is interesting.

Your blood work came in this morning.

They found a large amount
of Roophyllin in your system.

Roophyllin? Roofies? Commonly
known as the "Date Rape Drug?"

Are you saying I was raped last night?

Actually...

I don't think so. But,
someone did slip you the drug.

I'm not surprised you
don't remember anything.

Doc, none of us can remember
anything from last night. Remember?

How could someone drugged all of us?

I wouldn't be worried about it.
By now the stuff is out of your system.

You're gonna be fine. I have to go.

Wait, please doctor.

Is there anything else like
something we've been talking about?

Or some place we were going?

Actually there was something.

You guys kept talking about
some wedding last night.

Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug
is getting married tomorrow.

I want the hundred back./
No. Easy.

You kept talking about some
wedding that you just came from.

At the Best Little Chapel.

You guys kept saying how
sick the wedding was...

And getting all crazy about it.

I hope this helps, fellas.
I really have to leave.

You know Best Little Chapel?
Do you know where that is?

I do. It's on the corner of
'get a map' and 'fuck off'.

I'm a doctor, not a tour guide.

Figure it out yourself, okay?
You're big boys.

What about the baby?

Just leave him in the car.
We're only gonna be 5 minutes.

We're not leaving a baby in the car./
He'll be fine. I cracked the window.

What if they don't remember us./
Well, let's just find out.

Excuse me sir.

Look at these guys. What
happened? You missed me?

You miss Eddie. You want more
from me? Come here, my friend.

Look at this guy.
You fuckin' crazy.

What's going on, man?

Listen, I wanna tell you something.
I know some sick people in my life.

This guy is the craziest, wildest
bastard I ever met in my life.

This guy is out of his mind. What's
going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?

I thought he was gonna eat my dick.

What happened? No love for
Eddie? You don't hug me?

No, it's not that, Eddie.
It's just that...

We're having a hard time remembering
what happened here last night.

Was there a wedding here?
Do you do a weddings here?

You're cracking my balls, man.

Eddie, obviously we were here last night.
We're looking for a friend, Doug.

Do you remember him?/ Yeah.
The small guy. Like a monkey.

You saw him?/
Of course.

Is there anything you can tell us about
what may have happened last night?

You don't remember nothing?

Congratulations, Stu.
You got married.

This can't be happening.

Oh, god./
Look at that.

I tell you one thing. You looked
seriously happy here, man.

That's it. My life is over.

Stu, its okay. Shit happens. Melissa's
not gonna know anything about this.

This never happened.
I'll take care of it.

Hey, what's all that?

The high-roller package.
It's what you guys order.

I have coffee mugs.

You have baseball caps, huh?

And fancy calendars all with
pictures of Stu and Jade.

Her name's Jade?/
Yeah, she's beautiful, man.

Clean. Very tight. Tits, like that.
But that's because she had a baby.

That explains the baby./
Oh, Carlos./ Great.

Alright. Eddie, here's the deal.
We made a major mistake last night.

We need to get this
marriage annuled immediately.

You do annulments?/
Of course I do annulments.

It breaks my heart and
gonna make me very sad.

But it's not a problem. I'm gonna
make a very good price for you.

I can't do it with just him though.
I need the chick. I need both parties.

Not a problem. That's great.

Isn't that great, Stu?

C'mon, buddy. She probably
know where Doug is.

Awesome./ Alright.

We need her address. She must have
filled out some paperworks, right?

Of course.

Hey, excuse me.
What's the matter with you?

Go get the paperwork now.
I've spent my life waiting for you.

Come on. And get the bakhala, please.

Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?

I'm sure Doug has it.
We'll get it back.

Then I vote we torch the cop
car and all the shit with it.

Torch it? Who are you?

I don't know, Phil. Apparently I'm a
guy who married a complete strangers.

This whole situation
is completely fucked.

These mugs. This hat. This car. It's all
evidence of a night that never happened.

That is why we're torching all of it.

I'm a school teacher.
I got a family.

I'm on for secrecy. But I'm not
gonna torch a fuckin' cop car.

Fine. I'll do it.

Can I help?/
Yeah. Thanks.

Shit. Is it Doug?/ I don't
have any./ It's Doug.

It's Melissa.

Don't answer it./ I have to.
She's called twice already.

Hey, sweetheart.
How are you?

There you are. It's the
third time I'm trying you.

I know. The receptions up here is crazy.

I think it's all the sequoia trees
block the signal./ I hate that.

So, how was it last night?

It was really fun actually. It's
kinda quiet. It was a good time.

That sounds nice./ We're on
in all kind of vino factoids.

So cool if I could
breast-feed, you know.

We're about to go for a tractor ride.
So I should probably get going.

A tractor ride?/ So pretty.

Let's go. Out of the car.

What was that?/ They just
started up the tractor.

I think it backfired.

Where the hell is he?

Hey, easy. I think we're
looking for the same guy.

What the hell, man?

Where the fuck are you?
Is that a baby?

Why it has to be a baby?
We're in winery. It's a goat.

Where is he?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sir, could you please start the
tractor so we can get out of here?

I'm trying to but we're fuckin' blocked.

Oh, my god. What the
hell is happening, Stu?

Hey, there's a baby on board!

Someone just said baby.

Get out of the car./
It's a baby goat.

Chinese guy, why do you making
trouble for my business, man.

Go away from here now.

Get out of the fuckin' car./ Phil, he's
got a gun./ No shit he's gotta gun.

I gotta call you back.

They shot Eddie./
Fuck this shit.

Go, go, go.

That was some serious shit.
Who were those guys?

We're gonna be okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.

What the fuck is going on?

I have no idea.

Why don't you just let
that one go to voice mail?

That's a fake laugh, by the way.

It's got Ted Danson and Magnum
P.I. and that jewish actor.

Shut up, Alan. What room
was it again?/ It's 825.

I already checked with her.

I've found him. I call you back.

Thank god. He's with his father.

I was freakin' out.

I miss you, sweety.

Honey, I miss you.

What the hell happened to you guys?

Actually, we were
hoping you could tell us.

What do you mean?
I got up this morning.

I went to get you guys some coffe,
and I came back and you were gone.

Why are you being so quiet?

I'm no being quiet.

He's so cute.

I gotta feed Tyler.
Come inside, you guys.

Did you hear that?
The baby's name is Tyler.

I thought he looked more
like a Carlos too, buddy.

Okay, what's up. You
guys are acting weird.

Look, it's Jade, right?/
Very funny, Phil.

Right, Jade. Uh.

Do you remember our friend, Doug?

Are you kidding? He was
the best man in our wedding.

Exactly. We can't find him
and we got a little worried.

Oh, my god.
That is so Doug.

I'm gonna go clean him up.
It's alright. Daddy didn't mean it.

Oh, my god.

What the fuck, man?
You gotta hold it together.

Holy shit./ She is super hot.
You should be proud of yourself.

She is wearing my grandmother's ring.

The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa.

Remember my grandmother's
holocaust ring?

She's wearing it.

I didn't know they give
out rings at the holocaust.

He's okay./ Good.

He was just hungry.
That's fine.

About last night. Do you remember
the last time you saw Doug?

I haven't seen him since the wedding.

The wedding. Okay.

What time was that at?

I guess it was around 1. Because I had
to go back to work and finish my shift.

And then when I got out. I headed
over to the hotel with Tyler.

And was Doug there then?

I didn't see Doug. Because
you guys were passed out.

The room was a wreck. So
I was just curled up next to Stu.

I got a question.

You said when your shift ended.
Is that mean you're a nurse?

Or a blackjack dealer?

You know this. I'm a stripper.

Technically I'm an escort, but stripping
is a great way to meet the clients.

Smart.

Savvy.

But that's all in the past
now that I'm marrying a doctor.

I'm just a dentist.

Police. Freeze!

Shut that baby up.

Okay.

So after we take the mugshot,
we bring'em on down here...

Where they wait to be interviewed
by the arresting officers.

Trust me, kids. You do not want
to be sitting on these benches.

We call this place Loserville.

Follow me.

Hello.

Hey Tracy, it's Phil.

Hey, Phil. Where are you guys?

We are at the spa, at the hotel.

Cool. I just get some sun.
Is Doug around?

Of course he's around.
Why wouldn't he be around?

I'm just wondering
why you're calling me.

We made a deal, no talking
to girlfriends or wife.

We just call each other's.

Okay. What's up?

You are not gonna believe this. We
got comp an extra night at the hotel.

You did?

Yeah. The suite is ridiculous.
It's out of control.

It was room service and a butler.

We had figured to spent
the night here and then...

We're just gonna come back
totally relax in the morning.

You wanna stay an extra night?
But the wedding is tomorrow.

That's why we're gonna
get up really early and...

We'll be back with plenty of times.

Okay. Are you sure that's a good idea?

Wenneck, Price, Garner. Room 3.

Okay, Trace, I gotta go.
Talk to you later.

Come on. Chop chop./
Just spin around.

Wait a second./
I'll go over.

There we go.

Gentlemen. We got some
good news and some bad news.

The good news is, we
found your Mercedes.

That's great news.

It's over impound right now.

We picked it up at 5 a.m this morning.
Parked in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd.

It's weird./
Yeah. It is weird.

There's also a note.

It says, "couldn't find the meter,
but here's 4 bucks."

The bad news is...

We can't get you in front of
the judge until Monday morning.

Officer that's just impossible.

We need to be in L.A
tomorrow for a wedding.

You stole a police car.

We didn't steal anything.
We found it.

If anything, we deserve a reward
or something. Like a trophy?

I see assholes like you
everyday./ Every fuckin' day.

Let's go to Vegas. We
all get drunk and laid.

Let's steal a cop car, 'cause
it'll be really fuckin' funny.

Think you can get away
with it? Not up in here!

Not up in here!

Sir...

If I may. I'm assuming that squad
car belongs to one of you./ Yeah.

I'm not a cop.

I'm no hero.

I'm a school teacher.

But if one of my kids went
missing on a field trip...

That looked really bad on me.

What are you getting at?

Yeah, Phil. What are you getting at?

No one wants to look bad.

We gotta get to a wedding.

And you guys don't need people
talking about some obnoxious tourist...

Borrowed your squad car last night.

The point is, I think we can work
out a deal. Discretely of course, ma'm.

What do you say?

Let me ask you a question.

Do any of you gentlemen have any
heart conditon, or anything like that?

No.

Okay, kids. You're in
for a real treat today.

These gentlemen have kindly
volunteered to demonstrate...

How a stun gun is used
to subdue a suspect.

What?

Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun.

Up close and personal.

Or you can shoot it from a distance.

Do I have any volunteers who wanna
come up here to do some shooting?

How bout you, young lady.
Come on up here.

Let's go, handsome.
Come on.

Not you, fat Jesus.
Slide it on back.

You, pretty boy.

It's real simple. All you gotta
do is point, aim, and shoot.

You don't really wanna do this.

You can do this. Just focus.

Don't listen to this maniac.
Let's think this thing through.

Finish him!

Right in the nuts.
That was beautiful.

Well done. Give her a hand,
everybody. Alright./ Good job.

Good job. Well done.
That was great.

Hey, we got one more charge left.

Anybody wanna do
some shooting up here?

How about you, big man.
Come on up here.

Okay. Same instructions.
Just point, aim, and shoot.

There you go. That's the stuff.
I like the intensity.

Eye the tiger. Good.

You're holding 50.000 volts, little man.
Don't be afraid to ride the lightning.

In the face.

He's still up.

Everybody relax. Take it easy.

We've seen it before. He just
need a little extra charge.

There we go.

Somebody's big boys. You
gotta give them two shots.

Alright, kids. Who wants to
get their fingerprints done?

Come on. Let's go.

Fuck those guys.

Do you hear me?

That was bullshit. I'm telling
everybody we stole a cop car.

He let us go.
Who cares.

I care. You can't just do that.
You can't just tase people.

Because you think it's funny.

That's police brutality.

I'm getting a soda. Do you
guys want anything?/ No.

One man doesn't shut up.
Jesus Christ.

Alan, you okay?

I'm just worried.

What if something happened
to Doug. Something bad.

Come on, you can't think like that.

What if he's dead?

I can't afford to lose anybody
close to me again. It hurts too much.

I was so upset when my grandpa died.

I'm sorry. How did he die?

World War II./
Die in the battle?

No he was skiing in Vermont.
It was just during World War II.

Alan, Doug is fine.

Why hasn't he called?/ I don't
know, but we're gonna figure it out.

I'll tell you another thing. 6 to 1
odds are our car is beat to shit.

Stu, not now.

Seriously, how much do you
wanna bet? It's like fucked up.

That's enough. Alan is seriously
worried. Let's not freak him out anymore.

I'm sorry, Alan.

We'll search the car for clues,
and everything's gonna be okay.

Oh, shit. I can't see that.

I'm not looking.

Oh, thank god.

It's gonna be alright.

Anything?

I got a cigar.

I found a black shoes./
A women shoes?/ I don't know.

Whose are those?/ I don't
know. It's men size 6.

It's weird.

What is this, a snake skin?

Oh, come on.

That's a used condom, Alan.

Get it out of the car.

I got a jizz on me.

Get it out.

Oh, my god.

What the fuck, man? We gotta
get this shit together, guys.

What was that?

It's in the trunk.

Doug's in the trunk.

Holy shit.

Open it./ Okay.

Please stop.

I'm with you.

You gonna fuck on me?

Nobody's gonna fuck on you.

We're on your side. I hate
Godzilla. I hate him too.

He destroys cities.

Please.

This isn't your fault.
I'll get you some pants.

What the fuck was that?

I have an internal bleeding.

Please call 911.

That's some fucked up shit.
Who was that guy? He's so mean.

Guys, there's something
I need to tell you.

Last night on the roof,
before we went out...

I slipped something in our Yagermeister.

What?

I'm sorry. I fuged up, guys.

You drugged us?

No, I didn't drug you.
I was told it was ecstasy.

Who told you it was ecstasy?

The guy I bought it
from at the liquor store.

Why would you give us ecstasy?

Because I wanted everybody
to have a good time...

And I knew you guys wouldn't
take it. It was just one hit each.

I used to do 3 hits at night.

But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan.
It was roofies.

You think I knew that, Stu?

The guy I bought it from seemed
like he was a real straight shooter.

I'm sorry. You mean the drug dealer at
the liquor store wasn't a good guy?

Let's just calm down./
You fuckin' calm down.

He drugged us. I lost a tooth.
I married a whore.

How dare you. She's a nice lady.

You're such a fuckin' moron./
Your language is offensive.

Fuck you.

Let's just take a deep breath.

This is a good thing, guys.

At least it's not some strangers
drugged us for god knows what reason.

You're right, Phil.
It's totally a good thing.

We're so much better off now.

Here's something I would
like to remind you two of.

Our best friend, Doug, is probably
face down in a ditch right now...

With a meth head,
butt-fucking his corpse.

That's highly unlikely./
It's true.

This is not help. Let's get
our shit together, guys.

Let's go back to the hotel and
I'm gonna make a couple calls...

Maybe Doug's back there.
Maybe he's asleep.

Come on. Let's go.

Stu, little help?

Shut up.

Oh, god. Are you okay?
Alan, I'm sorry.

Wait, guys.

What about the tiger?
What if he got out?

I keep forgetting about
the god damned tiger.

How the fuck did he get in there?

I don't know. Because I don't remember.

Stu, keep it down.

It's one of the side-effects
of roofies, is memory loss.

You are literally too stupid to insult.

Thank you.

Hey, come on.

Did we leave the music on?

Don't make any sudden movements.

Who the hell are you?/
Who the hell are you?

Quiet.

Mike Tyson?

This is my favorite
part coming in right now.

I can feel it coming in the air tonight.

The chorus line, guys.

Oh, Lord.

But I've been waiting for
this moment for all my life.

One more time, guys.

Oh, Lord.

Why did you do that?

Mr. Tyson would like to know why
is his tiger in your bathroom.

Hold on. That was
completely unnecessary.

I'm a huge fan. When
you knocked out holmes...

Explain.

We were drugged last night. We
have no memory of what happened.

It's true. We got into all
kinds of trouble last night.

And now we can't find our friend.

And if you wanna kill us, just go ahead,
because I don't even care anymore.

Stu, what are you talking about?/
I don't care.

Why the fuck do you
want to steal his tiger?

We tend to do dumb shit
when we're fucked up.

I don't believe you guys.

Wait, how did you guys find us?

One of you dropped your jacket, found
it in the tiger's cage this morning.

That's Doug's.

Yeah, Doug. His wallet
and his room keys in there.

That's our missing friend./
I don't give a fuck.

Did you guys see him?

I was vast asleep.

Because if he was up, this shit
wouldn't had gone down so smoothly.

Maybe the tiger would
ate them up like Omar.

Respect.

What happened to Omar?

Don't worry about Omar.
He's not with us no more.

I know this is asking a lot, but do you
think there's anyway that we could go...

To your house and look around to see
if there's any clues for our friend?

Absolutely. How else do you think
we're gonna get the tiger back anyway?

Come on, Champ.

I'm sorry?

We're not gonna put it in the Bentley.
You brought it here, you bring it back.

What do you think?
About 40 minutes?

Don't make me come back for him.

That was Mike Tyson./
No shit that was Mike Tyson.

I'm just saying,
he's still got it.

Are you okay?

Where did he get him?

This does not seem fair.

It's rock, paper, scissors.
There's nothing more fair.

Alan should do it.

Alan took a punch from Mike
Tyson, come on. For Doug.

Why are you peppering the steak.
You don't know if tigers like pepper.

Tigers love pepper.
They hate cinnamon.

Phil, just do it.
You should do it.

I would, but you lost.
It wouldn't be right.

I jammed 5 roofies in there.
Just go in there and throw it to him.

Fine.

Make sure he eats the whole thing.

Hey, kitty.

Hey, sweety. It's okay.
A little snack for you.

We want you to eat this, okay?

Just have a little...

What do we do now?

We wait.

What do tigers dream off
when they take a little tiger snooze.

Do they dream of mauling zebras
or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suite.

Don't you worry, you pretty stripped-head
we're gonna get you back to Tyson...

And your cozy tiger bed.

And then we're gonna
find our best friend Doug...

And then we're gonna give
him a best friend hug.

Doug, Doug, oh.. Doug,
Dougie-Doug, Doug.

But if he's been murdered
by crystal meth tweakers...

Well then we're shit out of luck.

By the end we're all gonna die.

Watch it.

That's his nose.

Hey guys, when's the next
Haley's comet?

Who cares, man./
Do you know, Stu?

I don't think it's for another
60 years or something.

It's not tonight, right?/
No. I don't think so.

But you don't know for sure?

No.

I got this cousin, Marcus who saw
one he said it blew his mind.

I wanna make sure I'll never
ever miss out on Hailie's comet.

So if you guys now
there's gonna be one...

Get out.

Oh, my god.

Stu, he got me.

You got clawed./
I'm bleeding.

I can't do it./ Get your fuckin' hand
back in there. You're steering the car.

I'm too nervous.

Alan, we need you, buddy.
It's your time to shine, okay?

My dad's gonna kill me.

That's it./
That's good.

Keep it straight.

You're late.

Whatever, man. We had
to push at the last mile.

Come on in. Mike's got
something he wants to show you.

Things got out of control, man.
You gotta put it down.

When we got back, we took a
look at the security cameras.

Great.

Oh, it's Doug./
Thank god he's alive.

That's our buddy. That's
who we've been missing.

We're all best friends.

Why don't you just pay attention.
I don't have all night.

Yeah, of course.

That's me. I'm on TV.

I've never been on TV before.

Really?
Really, Alan?

You're gonna overflow the pool, man.

Maybe, I...
Should I wait outside?

I think that's a good idea.

Don't touch anything out there either.

He's not our good...
We don't know him that well.

By the way, man, where did
you get that cop car from?

We stole it from this dumbass cops.

Nice.

High five there.

I have to say, I've never seen a more
beautiful, elegant, regal creature.

Check it out, Stu.
Fuck this tiger.

Oh, my god.
It's awful.

Who does shit like that, man?

Someone who has a lot
of issues obviously.

I'm a sick man.

That's all we got.

This was, hugely helpful.

Because now we know that our buddy
Doug was with us at 3.30 totally alive.

Thanks again, champ.

We're so sorry we stole your tiger.

Don't worry about it. Like you said, we
all do dumb shit when we're fucked up.

I did say that.

Everyone says Mike Tyson is a badass,
but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.

I think he's mean.

I think it's officially
time we call Tracy.

Hallelujah. Finally. Phil says
something that make sense.

We don't have much of a choice. And
who knows maybe she's heard from Doug.

That's what I've been
saying this whole time.

We just need to be completely
honest and tell her everything.

We don't need to tell her everything.

We can leave out the stuff
about me marrying a hooker.

Just stay focus on Doug.

What am I gonna tell
my dad about this car?

Alan, relax. It's just the inside.

I got a guy in L.A
who's great with interior.

Oh, Jesus./
Oh, my god.

Are you guys okay?

I know that guy. That's
the guy from the trunk.

Get out of the car, please.

Those are the guys that shot Eddie.

I want my purse back, assholes.

Your purse?/ That's not
a purse, it's a satchel.

It's a purse, okay?

And you steal from wrong guy.

Wait a second.
We stole from you?

We don't remember anything
that happened last night.

So help us out a little here.

Apparently, you guys met at
the crabs table late last night.

You're on your real heater
when you played your hot streak.

You ended up winning
just under 80 grand.

No shit. 80 grand. Nice.

That's good.

You put the chips in his purse,
and then you guys took off with it.

That doesn't sound like us.

Mine had 80 thousand dollars inside.

And this one?
Nothing.

Hey, there's skittles in there.

Don't let the beard fool you.
He's a child.

He's funny because he's fat.

This was obviously a very
simple misunderstanding.

Alan picked up the wrong
purse, it's no big deal.

If it's no big deal, why
when I come after you guys...

He starts screaming like crazy,
and throw me in trunk.

I did that?

You said he was your lucky charm.
And you wanna take him home with you.

Lucky charm./
That's just funny.

Fuck you.

If you want to see your friend again,
you get me my 80 grand.

What?/
Our friend?

You have Doug?

Doug.

Chill out, goatie.

Alright. Fine.

What do you want?

Not so good now.

Douchebag.

We're very sorry, but
this is an easy fix.

Alan, where's his purse?

I don't know./ You said it
was in hotel room, right?

We can get it.

We can get you. We can even
write you check right now.

No chances. Cash only.

There's a person in there.

Boring.

Take nap. Come on.

You can't have our friend.
Kindapper!

Run me over.

Bring money to Big Rock
in Mojave Desert at dawn.

Tooddle-loo, mothafucka.

At least take the bag off his head.

Get out of here.

Guys, I'm telling you I looked
for it this morning before we left.

It's not anywhere.

Stu, how much you got in the bank?

About 10 grand, maybe more.
I was gonna use it for the wedding.

You're already married.
So we're good there.

Besides not for Melissa.
She's the worst.

Doug told me she had sex with
a pilot or something like that.

It was a bartender on a cruise.
What is wrong with you, people.

Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

Yeah.

What are we gonna do.
We're so fucked.

Hey, guys...

Do you find it?/
No.

But check this out.

Change only.
Ten thousand

Hey, this seats taken?

No, feel free.

Let's play some blackjack.

That's it.

Shut up, Vincent.

I'll stay.

Fuck you.

Splitting 5.

Too many.

I don't even know you. But I'm
gonna tell you, that's dumb.

Hey, c'mon.
He can't lose.

I think the pit boss is watching him.

Are you okay?

I'm such a klutz. I get so nervous
when I gamble. I'm so silly.

Hold on a bit.

Let's just take it easy.
This is my wife.

It's hurting./ Does it hurt?/
Yeah.

You alright?/ I don't know./
I don't know either.

I think you're fine.
Let's go./ Really? okay.

Sorry. She's had a little
too much drink.

Thanks, buddy.
That's for you.

And 100, 200, 300, 400.

With all this, that's $82,400.

God damn it.
I don't fucking believe it.

Alan, you're the man./
You are too, Phil.

We should come back next week.
Take the whole city down.

I'm free next week.

Or we could just focus on
getting Doug back right now.

Next week is no good for me.
The Jonas Brothers are in town.

But any week after that,
it's totally fine.

I think it's safe to say that our luck
has officially turned around, guys.

We are back, baby.

We are fuckin' back.

We are back.
Classic.

We are back.

We are getting Doug back.

And we're the three best friends
that anybody could have.

We're the three best friends
that anyone can have.

And we'll never, ever, ever,
ever, ever, leave each other.

We're the best three friend
that anybody could have.

I mean the three best
friend that anybody can have.

Now what?

Give him the signal.

What signal.

Flash your lights.
Let him know it's on.

What's on?

The deal.

Of course it's on. We just drove 30
miles into the desert. He knows it's on.

Phil, just do something.

Fine.

See?

Alright. Let's go.

Funny. The fat guy
fall on face.

You okay?

Alright. We got the money.
80 grand. Cash.

Throw it over.
Then I give you Doug.

I'm sorry. First of all, good morning.
We didn't catch your name last night.

Mr. Chow.
Leslie Chow.

Mr. Chow. It is a pleasure.
My name's Stu.

We would very much appreciate
an opportunity to see Doug...

Before we give you the money just to
verify that he's okay. If that's cool.

Of course, Stu. That is cool.

Okay.

See? He fine. Now give
me money or I shoot him...

And I shoot all you motherfuckers.

And then we take it.
Your choice, bitches.

Give him the money, Stu./
Okay.

It's all there./
Let him go.

Alright, take it easy.

Ta-da.

Is this some kind of a
joke? Who the hell is this?

That is not Doug.

What are you talking
about, willies? That him.

No. I'm sorry, Mr. Chow.
That's not our friend.

The Doug we're looking for is a white.

I told you you had the
wrong guy, little boy.

Damn, Alan. What the
fuck you got me into?

You know him?

Yeah. This is the guy that sell
me the bad drugs. How you doin'?

I ain't sellin' you
no fuckin' bad drugs.

Wait. He sold you the roofilin?

Roofilin? I sell no roofilin.

Who gives a shit! Where is Doug?

I am Doug.

Your name's Doug?/
Yes, I'm Doug.

His name's Doug too. Classic mixed up.

Come on.

Hey, Chow! You gave us the wrong Doug.

Not my problem.

Fuck that shit. Now you give us our 80
grand back and take him with you.

No. Come on, man. I'll be your Doug.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I take him back.

Right after you suck on
this little Chinese nuts.

Oh, that's nasty.

How that sound?

So long, gay boys.

Wait a second.

He's a nasty little motherfucker.

Did you happen to get any ecstasy?/
No, I have no fuckin' ecstasy.

God, damn it!

Gosh, darn it!

Shit!

Shoot!

Hello.

Tracy, it's Phil.

Phil, where the hell are
you guys. I'm freaking out.

Thanks for the lift back to town.

I got a question for you./
What's that?

How did you wind up in Chow's car?

That crazy asshole
kidnapped me yesterday.

But why? I mean, why you?

Cuz he thought I was with you guys,
cuz we all hangin' over at the Bellagio.

What?

We were at the Bellagio?

Yeah. We were shooting
crabs. You don't remember?

No. We don't remember.
Because some dick drug dealer...

Sold him roofilin and
told him it was ecstasy.

Roofilin. There you go with that word,
Roofilin. What the hell is a Roofilin?

Wow. You are the world's
shittiest drug dealer.

Roofilin, for your information, is the
date rape drug. You sold Alan roofies.

Oh, shit. I must've mixed
up the bag. My fault, Alan.

Damn, Marsha's gonna be
pissed off with me on that one.

Whatever.

It's funny cuz just the
other day, me and my boy...

We was wondering why do
you even call'em roofies.

You know what I'm talking about?

No. I don't know what
you're talking about.

Why not floories, right?
Cuz when you take'em...

You more likely to end up
on the floor than the roof.

What about groundies. That's
a good new name for'em.

Or how bout rapies?

Wait, what did you just say?

Rapies./ Not you. Doug,
what did you say before?

I said groundies.

No. Before that. You said...

You're more likely to wind
up on the floor than...

Listen, Trace, I'm really sorry...

Hello?

Tracy, it's Stu.

Stu, talk to me. What's going on?

Nothing. Don't listen to Phil.
He's completely out of his mind.

He's probably still
drunk from last night.

Where's Doug?

He is paying the bill. We just
had a delicious brunch and...

We're in a big hurry to get
back so we gotta get going.

Okay, we'll see you soon. Bye.

What the fuck, man?

I know where Doug is.

I don't know, man. It just hit me.

Do you remember when we saw Doug's
mattress impaled on that statue?

Yeah, it's because we
threw it out the window.

No it's impossible. You can't
open window in Vegas hotel.

Then how did it get...

Oh, my god!

Wait, what's goin on?

Doug was trying to signal someone.

Holy shit. How did you figure that out?

Doug made me realize it.

Doug?/ Not our Doug. Black Doug.

Hey, easy with that shit. C'mon./ Sorry.

Can someone tell me where white Doug is?

He's on the roof, Alan.

Yes. He is on the roof. We must have
taken him up there on his mattress...

As a prank so he'll wake up on the roof.

It's like that time in summer camp.
Remember when we moved...

His sleeping bag out in
the jetty in the lake?

Which was hillarious.

It's not so funny now, though
cuz we forgot where we put him.

You guys are fuckin'
retarded. You know that?

Holy shit. You think
he's still up there?

There's only one way to find out.

Doug.

Doug.

Doug, you up here, buddy?

Where you at, Doug?

Hey, guys, he's over here.

Phil, we've found him. He's over here.

He's okay.

You're okay?

Oh, god. We gotta go, buddy. Come on.

We've been looking everywhere for you.

What the fuck is going on?

We can explain everything,
but right now we gotta go.

Hey, bud. You okay?

No. Not okay.

You look good. You got
some color. I'm jealous.

I'm getting married today.

Yes. Doug, that's why you need
to focus and do everything we say.

Because frankly you're wasting
a little bit of time right now.

You fucking asshole!

Oh, my skin burns.

It's okay. It's not your fault, Doug.

Don't touch me. Shut up.
All of you shut up.

Just get me home.

Just get me home.

What about the one after that?

You cannot be serious.

Oh, god damn it. Every
flight to L.A is booked.

What about in the Burbank?/
It's already sold out.

Fuck. We can't drive there.
The wedding starts in 3.5 hours.

Alan, where's the car?

It's on its way.

You know what? We can drive
there. We can make it. Okay?

Just give me one second.

We will leave without you.

Is he missing a tooth?/
Yeah.

Thanks for helping out last night.
That was so awesome./ Sure.

Listen, Jade...

You don't have to say it.
I totally understand.

This whole thing was stupid.

It was stupid, wasn't it?

This is yours.

Thank you. I can't believe I gave
my grandmother's holocaust ring...

To someone I just met.
What was I thinking?

You were really fucked up./
Clearly.

You did pull out your own tooth.

I pulled out my tooth?

Why did I pull out my own tooth?

Alan bet you you weren't a good enough
dentist to pull out your own tooth.

Okay. Of course he did.

But you won.

Yeah. Clearly.

That's victory, right there.

This should go down.

It's good./ No. Safety first.

Alan, it's fine. It's down.

No. I gotta get it down first.

Don't mess the car up.

You're gonna mess the car up.

What are you doing next weekend?

I don't know. Working. Why?

Cuz I was thinking maybe I'll come
back to get us to dinner or something.

Really? Like a date?

Yeah, like a date. Only the one
that I, hopefully I remember.

Sounds good.

Stu./ Stu.

C'mon./ C'mon.

I gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

Bye./ Bye.

Alright, let's go.

At least the trip
wasn't a total disaster.

What makes you say that?

When I woke up on the
roof, I happened to find...

$80,000 worth of Bellagio
chips in my pocket.

Oh, my god.

Looks like we're going home
with some money, boys.

Here he comes. That's him.

Hey, Victor./
What's up, Alan?

Wow, look out!/
Oh, shit.

Thanks, Vic./ Adios.

Who the hell was that guy?/
That's my buddy.

Sorry, It took us on a
really crazy route.

How's my hair?/
It's good.

Is it cool like Phil's?

It's classic Phil.

She looks beautiful, man.

Sorry I'm late.

Vegas.

Where were you?
And why are you so red?

Honey, it's a long story.

We are gathered here today because of
the strength of love and the promises...

All I know is, I am so sorry.

And I promise for as long
as we're married...

I'll never, ever put you
through anything like this again.

Can you forgive me?

Yeah. Uh-huh. So seductive.

I take you to the candy shop.
I let you lick the lollipop.

Go ahead, girl don't you stop.

Keep on going until you hit the spot.

You can have it your way.

How do you want it? Gonna back that
thing up or should I push up on it?

Break it down for you now baby it's simple.

You be a nympho, I be a nympho.

I got the magic stick.
I'm the love doctor.

Daddy!/
Hey, my man.

Excuse me. But I'm expecting
my husband any minute.

It's very funny.

Come here. How was
your soccer game?

Go ahead girl don't you stop.
Keep on going until you hit the spot.

Fuckin' give it to
me baby nice and slow.

Climb on top ride it
like you in a rodeo.

Stu? You're avoiding me?

Hey, Melissa.

Oh, my god. What happened to your tooth?

Have you met Alan? Tracy's brother.

Okay.

That is disgusting. Why
haven't you returned my calls?

There was a snafu with it
when we stopped...

I called that bed and
breakfast in Napa...

They said they had no
record of you even checking in.

That's because we didn't go to Napa.

Stu, what the fuck is going on?

We went to Las Vegas./
Oh, really? Las Vegas?/ Yup.

Why would you go to Las Vegas?

Because my best friend was getting
married and that's what guys do.

Really? But that's now what you do!

Then why did I do it, huh?
Cuz I did it. Riddle me that!

Why did I do it?

Sometimes I think all you want me
to do is what you want me to do.

I'm sick of doing what you
want me to do all the time.

I think in a healthy
relationship sometimes a guy...

Should be able to do
what he wants to do.

That is now how this works!

Oh, good! Because whatever
this is, ain't workin' for me.

Oh, really?/
Yeah.

Since when?

Since you fucked that waiter
on your cruise last June.

Boom!

You told me it was a bartender.

Oh, you were right. I stand
corrected. It was a bartender.

You fucked a bartender.

You're an idiot.

You're a...
You...

You're such a bad person.

Like, all the way through to your core.

Alan, shall we dance?

Let's do this.

Hey! I'm gonna leave forever.

I'm gonna learn how to fly high.

It was a real pleasure meeting you.

Fuck off.

I'm thinking about getting
my bartender's license.

Suck my dick.

No, thank you.

Remember, remember, remember,
Remember my name, babe!

Dougie, I gotta tell you, man.
That was a gorgeous wedding.

I'll give it 6 months.

You're a dick.

I don't know what to say. Thanks,
for the bachelor party, I guess?

Yeah. I just wish we could
actually remember some of it.

Hey, guys. Look what I found.

Whoa, that's my camera.

Yeah, it was lodged in
the back seat of the car.

Are there photos on it?

Yeah. Some of it is even
worse than we thought.

No fuckin' way. Give me that.

Wait.

We look at these pictures
together, okay? One time.

And then we delete the evidences.

I say we delete it right now.

Are you nuts?

I wanna find out how I wind up
in the hospital. Is that in there?

Yeah, it's in there.

Guys, one time.

Deal?/ Deal.

Oh, dear Lord! Thats classic.

Subtitles enhanced by "Dr. Zia R Khan".
Send your comments to: drziarkhan@gmail.com.