All language subtitles for Scream Queens s01e06 Seven Minutes in Hell.eng

Previously on Scream Queens...
You need to choose one of us.

CHANEL 5: Fine, Roger,
I'm coming with you.

If someone found out my
dad is Charles Manson,

everyone would immediately
assume the killer is me.

ZAYDAY: The Red Devil kidnapped me

and took me to his evil lair.

The Red Devil is in love with you?

CHANEL: Tonight we cast our
votes for the next president

of Kappa House.

Grab some marbles.

It's time to vote.

All right, so remind me again.

It's black for Zayday, white for Chanel?

Obv. Do you think you can handle that?

I only gave you the job
of tallying the votes

because I thought you Rain Man types

were super good at counting.

Or are you one of those idiot savants

who's heavy on the idiot,
light on the savant?

I am neither, thank you very much.

Years before the Psychoanalytic
Society of America decided

there was money to be made
by creating what they called

the autism spectrum,

I would have been considered

a daydreamer or quirky,
like a young Zooey Deschanel.

I am not an idiot

or a moron. I am simply
a victim of my times.

Are you aware your pants are on backwards?

Start counting the damn votes.

Wait, what happens if it's a tie?

It's never happened before,
but Kappa bylaws state

that the two of them would rule together.

It's a tie.

You did it! (laughs)

GRACE: Well, sort of.

I know it's not ideal,
but I think you and I

would make great copresidents.

What? No, I'm not gonna be
copresident with a pledge!

Farty McCandlewax clearly
miscounted the votes!

Calm down, Chanel, it's not Farty's fault.

Then whose fault is it?

It's not my fault that my pumpkin patch

was canceled. It's not my fault

that some people didn't vote for me because

they're too intimidated by my hotness.

It's not my fault that, because someone

is killing Kappas, I didn't have time

to individually bribe each and
every one of you to vote for me.

No. Clearly there is only one
person to blame for all of this.

Number Five.

Wait, what?

I hate all of you for
letting me down tonight,

but, Number Five, I hate you the most.

I know it's on me that I chose

idiots and weirdos to be my minions,

but you are by far the most
idiotic and the most weird,

and so I blame you more than any of them

for not finding a way

to ensure I retained my presidency tonight.

Chanel, come on, let's talk this through.

No! I am never talking
about anything ever again!

I hate you all!

(door slams)

(Chanel crying)

CHANEL 3: Hey.

Yeah, super sorry about
what happened down there.

(laughing)

Why are you laughing?

Because, you leg humpers,
I voted for Zayday.

I wanted her to win.

What about that fit you threw down there?

Brilliant performance, I know.

I've had to develop some
serious acting skills

- to have sex with Chad.
- CHANEL 5: So...

you're not mad at me? Oh, I
meant everything I said about you.

I still think you're useless.
I'm just not sad about it.

You see, I've learned a few things

from watching A&E
documentaries about the Mafia.

The most important being...
Aside from to never trust anyone,

especially those
closest to you...

You never, ever want to be the boss

in a time of extreme crisis.

As soon as you become the boss,
you get a target on your back,

from the Feds, the other
families, ambitious underlings.

Sure, seems like you have all the power,

but you also take on the most risk.

Being president of
Kappa House when there is

a killer hunting down
sisters of Kappa House

means you're the top target.

I was actually hoping one of you

bitches would betray me and vote for her

so she could win the whole thing, but...

this works out even better.

Because when I go down and make peace

with her and her pasty friend,

I'm gonna look like a
skinnier Angelina Jolie.

Wait, so this whole
thing... the pumpkin patch,

the fight against
Black Hairy Tongue...

Was all an elaborate plan to
set up Zayday to be killed?

I like to think of it more as an
elaborate plan to save a life...

Mine.

Oh, don't judge me for
trying to stay alive.

We all know you've been
cozying up to Predatory Lez

because you think she knows karate.

I just like hanging out with her.

She's cool to talk to.

She knows a lot about... stuff.

Are you going lesbian, Number Three?

Because while I get that
Lezzie Pledge is kind of cute

in a "if Bruce Lee were a DJ" kind of way,

I don't think we should
be having sex with pledges.

Now, if you'll follow me,

I would like to implement phase two

of my "Chanel Dies Last" plan.

(footsteps approaching)

GRACE (quietly): Whatever she says,

do not give an inch.

You're president now, too.

CHANEL: Zayday,

this is the key to the storage room.

Where we keep our tampon backstock

in case of a nuclear war
and all of our secrets.

It's the most holy room in the house,

and only the president has the key.

I want you to have it.

What's your game here?

I trust you about as
far as I can throw you.

No game.

I may be a stone-cold bitch,

but I love Kappa

and I want it to survive
these challenging times.

So if you think you can do a better job

than I can, then I say

let's give the Zayday
Administration a chance.

Sisters

and anyone else who might be listening,

I present to you the acting
president of Kappa Kappa Tau,

Zayday... something!

Williams. But that'll do.

(knocking) (door opens)

GRACE: Excuse me, Madam President,

the Speaker of the House is on line one.

Take a message. (laughs)

Z! Oh, come here.

I'm so proud of you. This
is so exciting. I mean,

Kappa is really gonna change,
and it all starts with you.

Well, the biggest change
I'd like to implement

is for everyone to stop getting
murdered by a serial killer.

That's what we need to talk about.

I know we don't know who the killer is,

but we know it traces back to this house.

If the Red Devil is killing
Kappas, that means some of them

have to know something.

We just need to find out what.

A slumber party.

What?

There are two things that
always happen at a slumber party:

someone experiments with lesbianism

and secrets are revealed.

Oh, my God. That is brilliant.

We can create situations and scenarios

to really prime the pump.

Like a big game of Truth or Dare.

That'll be my first act as president.

We'll lock everybody up overnight,

and we're bound to find out something.

Can I have y'all's attention?

Kappa House is having a slumber party!

What? Ew. Gross. No.

Yes. It's gonna be great.

Look, we're gonna lock ourselves in,

play some games,

get cozy... What are you talking about?!

No, we are not ten!

Shut up, Chanel.

It's a great idea.

A slumber party sounds fun.

Let's play Spin the Bottle.

What?

You heard me. I want

to play Spin the Bottle. We're doing it.

ZAYDAY: What'd I tell you?

Someone always goes lesbian.

Uh, yeah, well, Spin the
Bottle sounds great, I guess,

but don't you think a
rousing game of Truth or Dare

would be way more fun

to play first?

- No.
- No?

We're having a slumber party,

and before we do anything else,

we're playing Spin the damn Bottle.

Let's vote.

All those in favor of a slumber party.

There. It's decided.

We're having a slumber party, okay?

Everyone get in your PJs, and
be down here at 5:00, okay?

Why Spin the Bottle?

There aren't any Dickies here!

DICKIES: Caulfield! Caulfield! Caulfield!

(cheering) Caulfield, you suck
it, bro! You suck it so hard!

Suck it! Suck it! Come
on, baby! Come on, baby!

Don't stop now. Don't st...

45 seconds.

(cheering)

Brother Caulfield,

you just chugged four liters
of canned pasta in 45 seconds.

So if anybody ever tells
you that just because you got

your arms chopped off by a serial killer

that somehow you're handicapped,

you have 'em give me a call.

And I'm gonna tell 'em this story.

(clears throat) Chad.

The Dollar Scholars need to have
a little talk with you, mate.

Listen,

this is an intervention.

Mate, there's a nasty rumor going around

saying you're having sex
with... with the dean.

That is not a nasty rumor.

That is a true rumor.

I am totally porkin' Dean Munsch.

Chick is smokin'.

There's also another rumor saying

that you slept with one
of the security guards.

Denise Hemphill. Um, yeah.

(groaning) I mean, she
is fun. I'm not kidding.

I mean, that girl knows what she's doing.

But what about Chanel?

No, Chanel's good, too. I mean, she's...

When you have sex with Chanel,
there's just, like, so much,

like... crying.

Look, Chad, we've talked
about this as a house,

and we all agree it's super weird

that you sleep with so many old people.

Hmm.

Oh. Wow.

You guys have really given
me something to think about.

While I've always believed
one of the most fun parts

of college life is
sleeping with the faculty,

I now realize that concentrating
on porking popular girls,

it's in all of our best interests.

Therefore, I hereby pledge

I'm gonna concentrate on
my relationship with Chanel,

'cause she's freakin' hot as hell

and her dad was a bundler for Mitt Romney.

Well, you know,

a little birdie told me

Kappa House are having
a slumber party tonight.

So I propose a panty raid.

All those in favor?

Panty raid!

CHANEL: Nope!

Not doing this. I don't
understand why we're playing

Spin the Bottle. There are
exactly zero wangers here.

Chanel, I will act as proxy
and kiss Candle Vlogger

so that you don't have to.

You taste like wax.

You taste good, too.

My turn. It's my turn.

There. I just spun it.

Dear God, if you really exist,
please show me by letting it

land on Predatory Lez
so I can explore these

confusing, conflicting feelings
I've been having lately.

Re-spin. New rule:
you can re-spin.

Oh. Sam. I guess we have to kiss.

You're a great kisser.

Thanks. I guess you're okay.

I'll say it again.

I don't know why we're doing this.

Hey.

Was I interrupting you?

No, it's cool. I was just

practicing looking disinterested.

Do you do that, too?
Because when I was a kid,

no one liked me 'cause my dad
was so rich, so I started acting

like I didn't care. But then I realized

I really wasn't pretending
and I actually didn't care.

I'm pretty sure I was born
without that part of the brain

that actually feels stuff.

We have so much in common.

I'm starting to think we have something

very important and specific in common.

My sex life up until this point
is what you'd call unusual.

When I turned 18,

I started dating one of my dad's friends.

He committed suicide
by running himself over

with a golf cart at the club.

The guy I dated here last year

got so obsessed with my
ears he had to leave school.

Now he writes me letters
threatening to cut them off

if he ever sees them again.

Which is why I always wear my ear muffs.

I understand. I think the only
way to be sure of your feelings

is if you let me gently
rub your uterus right now.

No. You don't understand.

I'm Charles Manson's daughter.

His charisma and madness is in my blood.

When I love someone, it drives them insane.

No. I can't.

We can be alibilibidibuddies
and do our best

to protect each other, but
our vaginas may never touch.

It's too dangerous.

Believe me when I say

that if it was possible
for me to feel anything

I would totally be crying right now.

(oven timer dings)

What are you guys doing?

Well, hello, Madam President.

Making chocolate
covered peanuts

for Chanel's special s'mores.

But those are packing peanuts.

That doesn't seem healthy.

Uh, yeah. Cuts the calorie
content in, like, half.

Why are you two back

without any ice?

We have a problem.

All the doors are locked solid.

Windows, too. Upstairs and down.

(alarm softly beeping)

They're right. We're trapped.

Wait, you guys, I think
I know what this is.

It's probably my dad.

He's been getting on me to stay inside

where it's safe, and I'm pretty sure

he did this because I wouldn't listen.

He sounds like an awful parent.

GRACE: He's overprotective,

but I'm telling you there
is nothing to worry about.

Of course it's something to
worry about. It's not your dad

and his 1986 Miami Vice
five o'clock shadow.

It was the killer.

But, guys, how did he lock
every window and every door

without us noticing?

He must have hacked into the fail-safe

security system I had installed.

One recent stormy night, Chad and I

watched Panic Room on
Netflix, and Chad was like,

"You totally need one of those."

But Jodie Foster's was small and gross,

so I decided to have the whole
house turned into a panic room.

But wait, doesn't that mean
that there's some sort of switch

somewhere to deactivate
it? Yes, theoretically,

but the guy said the kill
switch was on back order

and he'd have to install
it in a couple of weeks.

Guys, I am freaking out!

I hate being trapped in small places.

Okay, this house is literally,
like, 15,000 square feet.

There's only one reason why the killer

would do something
like this...

To pick us off one by one.

That's what I would do.

Guess it's just a matter
of time before one of us

or all of us ends up dead.

(all scream)

(line ringing)

CHAD: You're go for Chad Radwell.

Chad, it's me, Chanel.

Well, well, well. Isn't this a coincidence.

I was headed over to Kappa House
to steal some of your panties.

Oh, Chad, that's amazing.
I love you so much.

But, Chad, listen.

You have to help us.

We're trapped in the house
and the power went out

and my phone is the only one that's working

because I'm pretty sure the killer

knocked down a cell tower or something.

Wait, well, why does yours work, then?

Because mine's a satellite phone.

Elon Musk gave it to me. It's
designed for space travel.

My dad is super gross rich, Chad.

I know. That's my favorite
thing about you, baby.

Look, Chanel, before I come
and save you and whatnot,

I got to get some things off my chest.

- A, I had sex with the dean.
- What?

Look, I'm prepared to
say I'm sorry I did that.

What I'm not prepared to
do is say the sex was bad.

Because it was not.

Oh, also, I hooked up with
the, uh, security guard.

- Officer Hemphill?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not gonna apologize for that one.

Chad, I'm about to get murdered,

so can you please just
hang up and get over here?

Chad Radwell is on the way.

I love you, Chad.

Hello?

I... love you, too, sort of.

(laughing)

(all panting)

How on earth are we supposed to get in

if all the doors and windows are locked?

Dude, we climb up the ladder,
break the windows upstairs,

save all the girls, climb back down,

then it's Vagina City for all of us.

I thought you said Chanel had
all the windows bomb-proofed

so that we can't break them.

Yeah... downstairs windows, dude.

Why would you bomb-proof upstairs windows?

For what, like, a flying bomb?

A flying bomb would be a missile, Chad.

Honestly, where's the Red
Devil gonna get a missile?

Don't be an idiot. Hold
this. It's hero time.

(exhales)

Ah, here we go.

Oh, Chad, you've come for me.

Save me and I'm yours forever.

Uh... (stammers)

I'm not really sure I'm ready
for that level of commitment.

Chad, please, I'm trapped
in the house with a killer.

Break the glass!

Not until you take back what you said.

Fine, just save me, Chad.

And?

And I'm yours for an amount of time

you feel is appropriate.

Stand back, fair maiden.

Chad's about to be a hero.

Oh, Chad!

(kisses) Oh...

CHAD: Whoa, Red Devil!

Get up here now! Go, go, go, go, go. Climb.

Red Devil, coming in hot!

He's moving.

Oh, he's moving, he's moving.

Hurry. Caulfield, you climb.

You climb, you armless bastard!

CAULFIELD: I'm gonna make
it. I'm gonna make it.

Chad, no, that's the only phone we have!

Tonight is not the night
Caulfield Mount Herman dies!

CHAD: Come on!

(all screaming)

EARL: What do we do now?

The only thing we can do:

give him the dignity of watching him die.

(all groaning and screaming) Okay, okay,

okay, he's good, he's good.

Oh! God.

(coughs)

CHAD: No, no, not the head.

Oh, he's going for the...

(all scream)

GRACE: Well, that answers that.

Someone in this house definitely
knows who the killer is.

I hear you loud and clear,
girl. It's Truth or Dare time.

Wait, Zayday, stop.

Wh-What are we doing?

Whatever it takes to stop
the douche that's trying

to kill everybody. No, I
mean, like, what are we doing?

I mean, do you ever just stop

and ask yourself if we
can actually pull this off?

Maybe...

maybe we all just need to get out of here.

Leave school. The best way

to avoid a shark attack
is to not go in the water.

We all have a crisis of faith sometimes.

But no one is gonna tell a sisterhood

with Zayday Williams as the president

when they can and can't go swimming.

So pull it together

and let's go play this
game of Truth or Dare.

'Cause ain't nothing and no one

stopping the hot tsunami of truth

rolling into this house tonight.

All right, you guys.
It's time to play a game

- of Truth or Dare.
- CHANEL: Just saying,

now would be the time
to play Spin the Bottle.

We finally have some Dickies here.

Someone in this house

knows something about the murderer

that they're not telling us,

and I intend to find out what.

Okay, here's how the game works.

When it's your turn, you have
a choice of Truth or Dare.

If you choose truth, you
have to tell the truth.

And if you choose dare...

I don't know. Maybe
you're hiding something.

Ooh! Yes.

JENNIFER: But wouldn't you just lie?

I mean, if I were the killer,

I'd pick truth and then just lie.

(chuckles)

Uh, well, the-the game's not
Truth or Dare or Lie. (chuckles)

Just Truth or Dare.

If you want to lie, you can just pick dare.

No, you'd pick truth and then you'd lie.

(chuckles) Uh, no, you
can't lie. That's the...

that's the whole point of
Truth or Dare. You can't lie.

But... I'm sorry, the
game's pretty damn simple!

Okay? It's Truth or Dare,
all right? If you pick

truth, you have to tell the
truth. If you pick dare...

it's gonna be really
suspicious, and I'm gonna think

you had something to do
with my sweet bro Boone dying

and my rad bro Caulfield

getting his arms...

and then his head chopped off!

And Dodger. Will you stop
whining about Dodger?!

Everybody agrees that
dude was holding you back.

Nobody misses him.

Now let's play some Truth or Dare

and find out who the killer is.

Number Five, truth or dare?

Truth.

Okay. Number Five,

does your vagina have teeth?

That's insane.

No, it doesn't, Chanel.

I thought she wasn't allowed to lie.

I'm not lying.

My vagina doesn't have teeth.

Can I rephrase the question?

Does your vagina

still have teeth?

No! The answer is no! "No,
it no longer has teeth,

so it used to have teeth,
but you got them removed"?

No, I didn't. So your
vagina still has teeth.

Which one is it, Number Five?

Sounds like you're
trapped in a web of lies.

You're forfeiting your turn, bitch.

Um... okay, I guess it's my turn, then.

Sam.

Truth... or dare?

Truth.

What is Chanel 3's
deepest, darkest secret?

CHANEL 3: Oh, my God.

She knows I have weird feelings for her.

She's gonna tell everyone.
I have to just blurt it out.

Her deepest, darkest secret is...

Her father is Charles Manson. I
have weird, sexy feelings for Sam.

What?

ZAYDAY: Hold on.

What did you just say?

I have weird sexy feelings for Sam.

Wh-What did you just say?

Her father is Charles Manson.

Okay, can I just say, Number
Three is definitely the killer.

No, I'm not!

You promised you wouldn't tell.

Sorry. I had to tell the truth.

Of course you're the killer.

I mean, your dad's Charles Manson, dude.

If you're not the killer,
you should probably...

you know, give it a shot.

I think you'd be pretty good at it.

Thanks.

My turn.

Sam, truth or dare.

I just went. Truth or dare?!

Dare. I dare you

to go down to the creepy
Kappa House basement

where we keep all our
deepest, darkest secrets,

and take a little nap in the bathtub.

Fine.

CHAD: Oh!

Yes! Bathtub naps. This is getting good.

Okay, guys, I propose
we take a little break,

you know,

take a whiz, get a refill.

Bro, grab my phone.

There's a little playlist I
put together called "Douche."

I want you to call that up
on the Bluetooth speakers

so we can get our dance on.

Truth or dare!

Look, I'm really sorry.

You know what? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ever trusted you.

But I wanted to talk about
the other thing you said,

about how you thought
you had feelings for me.

The only feelings I have for you now

are rage and pissed-offedness.

Now go sit in that bathtub and
think about what you've done

and try not to rub one out, okay?

Come on! I said I was sorry!

(lock clicks)

(door creaking)

(door creaking)

Hello?

If anybody's down here,
please don't jump out at me.

I have a thing about that.

Is that blood?

(Sam groaning)

Wait. If you're gonna kill me,

at least show me who you are first.

I knew it. I knew it was you.

(panting)

Please. You don't have to do this.

I could help you.

(muffled screaming)

Hi, Chad.

The killer took all the food

out of all the cabinets and left us nothing

but watermelon lime coolers in the fridge.

He's trying to starve us to death.

There's never any food
in there. Just laxatives.

Chanel's orders. Chad,

after our erotic bonding
session in the cemetery

and our coitus interruptus
in the haunted house,

I got the impression that
you and I are on the verge

of being the next "it" couple.

Yeah.

I just don't know what
would make you think that.

You texted me saying, "We are on the verge

of being the next 'it'
couple, Hester. Love, Chad."

See, this is the problem
with texting, you know?

You can't hear the context.

You've been spending a lot
of time with Chanel tonight.

Even though I decided to not wear a bra,

you haven't been staring
at my shirt raisins once.

Okay, look, I was waiting
to talk to you about this

'cause secretly I was
hoping you'd be killed

and I wouldn't have to hurt your feelings.

I just don't think it
would work out with us.

You're nuts, and not like
a typical crazy-eyes co-ed,

but wake-up-with-my
penis-in-a-jar lunatic.

Now, that puts me in a tough spot

because that also means
you'd be the screw of my life.

I mean, that kind of
insanity means your muffin...

It's Space Mountain levels of fun.

I love Space Mountain.
Best ride at Disneyland.

But I love my penis more.

Let me tell you two things about me.

Okay.

Number one... I never
take second place.

And number two... I don't
stop till I get what I want.

What's going on in here?

Nothing, Chanel.

Just getting some wine
coolers for my sisters.

By the way, Chanel, you
look amazing tonight.

Being imprisoned by a psycho killer

in your own house really suits you.

Was that salad spinner hitting on you?

Yeah, totally, which is
why I'm glad you showed up.

I am super turned on from her,
and I need some sweet release.

Is there any, like,
Crisco or cooking oil here?

Just, like, dry handies bum me out.

I have a better idea.

Let's go out

and join the others.

It's game time again.

As Kappa House copresident,
I think I can speak

for everyone when I say
we've all been through hell.

So, I propose we treat
ourselves to a little heaven.

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

I go first,

and I pick Chad. Wait. No. Hold on.

The whole point of this slumber party was

to figure out who the killer is.

CHANEL: Oh, give it a rest,

Nancy Drew.

Whatever your plan was, it isn't working.

So, if you'll excuse me for seven minutes,

I'm going to ask my
boyfriend, Chad Radwell,

to dial "O"

on my pink telephone.

Chad?

Would you like to pat the
little man in the canoe?

(chuckles) (squeaks)

(footsteps running)

(moaning)

I'm making out with you.

I'm making out with you so hard.

(laughs)

- Oh, Chad?
- Mm-hmm.

Chad? Mm-hmm.

I want to take our
relationship to the next level.

What?

Well...

I want us to be together,

but I want it to mean something.

Yeah. No, I'm ready to do this.

- What? Really?
- Definitely. I mean,

I love boning girls all
over this great land.

But really, at the end of the day,

I just kind of want to bone one girl.

Like, that one special girl. Mm-hmm.

And I don't know. I just
didn't think that girl was you

because, obviously, there's
so much wrong with you.

But then I think about
the good things about you.

Like... like how gullible you are,

how rich your dad is.

And when I think
about that girl...

The really rich one
who's easy to trick...

I think she's pretty special, too.

Chad!

Chanel?

Will you get back together with me?

Look, all of these murders
on campus have caused me

to do a lot of soul searching,

and I think I've arrived at a place

of deep personal awareness.

So, I would consider taking
you back under one condition.

You have to pinky-pledge that
you will be monogamous to me.

You will not have sex with anyone else.

Do you understand me?

Okay.

Oh, Chad!

Okay, time's up.

Roger, we're next.

(Chanel scoffs) Roger?!

(screaming)

I came to see if Sam needed anything,

but she doesn't because she's dead!

Dude, she looks like prepackaged
meat from the supermarket.

Chanel
3 is standing right there.

Show some respect.

We weren't dating. CHANEL: Wait.

If she's dead and all the doors
are locked from the outside,

that means the killer is in the house!

Oh, God, has someone checked on the kids?

CHANEL: The killer is
standing right in front of us.

Pretty convenient that you're
the one who found the body.

I would be offended by
that accusation, Chanel,

if I wasn't so honored that
you were thinking about me.

You can knock off the "neck
brace in the headlights" act.

You're the darkest bitch of them all.

Number 3 told me that you were the one

who turned me in to the police.

Those are some serious accusations,

and they make no sense.

Considering everything that I've seen

and done for you here,
Chanel... Ms. Bean,

Number Two. I would be
opening myself up to a lot

of trouble if I were to turn
you in to the authorities.

GRACE: It doesn't do any of us any good

to start accusing each
other with no evidence.

But it is pretty suspicious

that you're the one who found her, Hester.

Okay, I understand.

I suggest that we just have
someone stand guard and watch me

for the rest of the night,
or until someone else dies,

therefore proving that I am not the killer.

I nominate Chad.

Screw that, Evil Harrington.

We're locking you upstairs in my closet

until we can find a way out of here.

This feels so good.

Yeah, it does. No, not this.

I mean, it feels so good
now that my brother's gone.

It's such a relief.

The only time we've ever been apart

was the two minutes
that separated our birth.

The only bummer is, like,

we created this amazing clicking language,

and now I have nobody to use it with.

Wait. I could teach you!

Okay, okay, so, two high
clicks means, "Hello."

Okay, so...

(clicking)

And three low clicks means,

"Man, this ice cream is delicious."

Okay, so...

(clicking)

(panting)

(shuddering breath)

(gasping breaths)

(echoing scream)

I tried to scream, but nothing came out!

CHAD (crying): Roger... Roger...

And then he was just gone!

The Red Devil shot Roger in the head

with the nail gun, and
then he just disappeared!

Okay. Here's what we know.

One... Number Five is a
psychopath who no one likes.

Two...

She went in the closet

to play Seven Minutes in
Heaven with her boyfriend,

and then he ends up dead!

Clearly, Chanel #5 is the killer!

But when the Dickie Dollars got attacked,

and Caulfield got his arms chopped off...

there were two Devils. Dos Diablos.

Okay, fine. Hester is one of the killers,

and the other is Chanel #5.

Even though I firmly believe
the psychotic twin duo

of Number Five and Number
Six are the killers...

Oh.

I have a pressing question

for Haggie Gyllenhaal.

Isn't it interesting that my former stalker

and your current boyfriend
Pete isn't here tonight?

He told me he was studying tonight.

(groans) He did. He
told me he was studying.

Interesting.

That's all I'm gonna say.

Interesting.

CHAD (echoing): Oh, dudes,

there is a trapdoor

with, like, a tunnel system.

See, Chanel? I wasn't lying.

ZAYDAY: But wait, there are secret tunnels

in this house perfect for a killer to use,

and you neglected to tell us?

That's a little suspicious.

Okay, look. We are losing
sight of the big picture here.

Chanel couldn't have killed Roger

because she was with us when it happened.

None of us killed him. While Chanel 5

and Roger were in the closet,

we were all together... which
means none of us did it.

I'm going down there. Are you crazy?!

The Red Devil could still be in the house.

Both of the Red Devils
could still be in the house.

Look, this house is sealed up, right?

Doors and windows locked. So if none of us

is the killer, that tunnel
is how the Red Devil got in.

That also means it's our way out.

CHAD: I'm not going down there.

I do not dig on cobwebs, and I'm guessing

there are loads of cobwebs down there.

I'm going with her.

We're copresidents of this house

and responsible for what
happens under this roof.

(softly): Chanel...

if you get murdered in those tunnels,

I promise I will never bang
anyone harder than I banged you.

Chad...

Let's do this.

I love you. (pants)

Oh... you're so rich and hot.

(sighs)

(sighs)

These are the nicest secret
tunnels I've ever seen.

These tunnels were designed and decorated

by founding Kappa sister
Madam Cynthia Rogers Bouvet.

She was the interior decorator
for both the Cleveland

and Taft Administrations.

CHANEL: She had affairs with both of them.

Rumor has it Taft fell
asleep while mounting her

and crushed her to death.

These are all past presidents.

Marcy
Weiss...

Kappa president 1928 to 1930.

She helped Kappa avoid the
misery of the Great Depression

by kicking out any sister
whose family was affected

by the crash of '29 and
couldn't pay their dues.

Wandy
Hart...

Kappa president 1970.

Personally responsible

for crushing the antiwar movement on campus

by having the administration
ban macram?, fringed vests

and Creedence Clearwater Revival songs.

(sighs) Missy
Carmichael...

Kappa president 1986.

A pioneer in bringing
cocaine to Kappa Kappa Tau.

(takes deep breath)

Wow. What amazing legacies

they all have.

What do you think ours will be?

If we can get through this year
without everyone getting killed,

I think we'll go down as
the greatest of them all.

(gasps)

(gasps, screams)

(gasps)

(both scream)

(panting)

(Zayday screaming)

(gasping)

(grunts)

(gasps, pants)

Oh...

(gasps)

(Chanel grunts)

Come on!

(creaking)

(panting)

- You came back for me.
- Purely selfish.

If I'm gonna survive this thing,
I'm gonna need the numbers.

Don't you see that all the killings

have been about Kappa?
Well, except for Coney,

but he was just
irritating. (sirens wailing)

Yeah, that's becoming pretty obvious.

JENNIFER: You are probably

the worst cop ever.

(ringtone plays) We're
pretty much gonna focus

all of our attention on
protecting this house.

I'm gonna have uniformed officers

posted outside 24/7.

That is fantastic news.

What's fantastic?

Come on.

You and I both know that that
lesbian was cannon fodder.

And think about it.

What kind of life was that guy gonna live

with no arms, really?

They were but a small price to pay

for the knowledge that I
can now place a robocall

to every parent and student
at this university saying

that as long as they are not a
sister of, pledging, or sleeping

with someone from Kappa
House, they are safe

to resume normal school activities.

WES: Grace.

Dad, hi.

Oh, thank God. (sighs) Hi.

What's wrong? Grace. Come on.

Wait, where are we going?

Out of here.

No, Dad, I'm not leaving.

Not now. Not when my
sisters need me the most.

Your sisters are getting
picked off like ducks on a pond!

I won't go!

And you can't make me.

In three seconds,

I'm gonna pick you up
and carry you out of here.

Do you understand me?

ZAYDAY: I don't think so,

Dad. You're a good man,

and I love the way you love her.

But if sister wants to stay,

she's staying.

Oh. Um, I-I just kind of came over here

because I farted over
there and it smelled bad.

Okay.

Dad.

Dad, can... (door slams)

(sighs)

I'm sorry about Roger. Or Dodger.

Well, both.

Thanks.

I'm sorry about Sam.

Thanks.

I miss her.

I loved her.

Her tattoos and the way she wore

that hat without any irony at all.

She awakened a deep sexual honesty in me

that, up until now, I was afraid to admit.

Wait, you're a lesbian?

No. At first, my feelings

for Sam made me think I was.

But then, in that
moment, when I kissed her,

I realized I didn't care
if she was a girl or a guy.

Basically, I'm in love with love.

And Sam dying taught me that...

the next time I feel love for
someone, I'm going to tell them.

Right away.

Just in case they're murdered before I can.

It was like her final gift to you.

That's a nice way of thinking about it.

Makes me feel a little less
guilty about condemning her

to die by daring her to go
down to the basement alone.

I'd always felt like I'd won the
lottery with Roger and Dodger.

I mean, I never thought

they'd both get killed.

What are the chances,
right? I just feel like

I'm never gonna find a guy who likes me.

Let alone two who look exactly alike.

I'm a freak.

I mean, the only reason I'm in this house

is 'cause I'm a legacy. (sighs)

Nobody actually likes me.

Chanel has the whole campus convinced

that my vagina has teeth.

You are totally gonna find another guy.

You're super cute, and you're a Kappa.

And I'm sure there's some
awesome dude out there

who will accept you for who
you are, vaginal teeth and all.

Thanks.

And let's make a pact.

No matter what happens,

no matter what dignity
we have to sacrifice,

what laws we have to break,

what bodies we have to step over,

you and I are going to outlive Chanel.

Deal?

Deal.

CHANEL: Pledges and sisters

of Kappa House, thanks to me,

you've all survived yet another attack

from the Red Devil killer.

Once again, death came to Kappa House,

and once again that death, while tragic,

has brought us all closer together.

I even kind of like Zayday now.

And I got gifts.

JENNIFER: Giant, pink

chopsticks.

No. They're custom-made pink nunchaku.

Oh. If I can impart anything

on you slits over the course of this year,

it's that Kappas don't
take any crap from anyone.

Guys, I joined this sorority
to feel close to my mom,

to get a taste of the sisterhood
that she was so inspired by.

And after last night, I really feel it.

I'm with you guys, no
matter what. (chuckles)

Thank you for making that announcement

that no one cared about.

Now, I pledge that from this night on,

we will not lose any more of our sisters.

How are you gonna do that?

We are gonna take the fight to him.

I will not rest until we have the Red Devil

or Red Devils' heads on spikes
on the front lawn of this house.

Well, that's all well and good,

but we all know that it was

my slumber party idea that made this whole

"'We Are the World' Hands
Across America" stuff happen.

And we never got to
appropriately finish said party.

Now, I don't know about you guys,

but in O-Town,

no slumber party is finished

without a kickass dance party.

(beep) What, what?!

(Modern English's "I Melt with
You" playing) (girls whooping)

This is so wonderfully random.

I know. What a great way to pretend

all these people we know
weren't brutally murdered.

-
There's nothing you and
I won't do
- CHANEL: Stop.

- HESTER: Kappa...! -
I'll stop the world and melt with you.

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