All language subtitles for Scream Queens s01e04 Haunted House.eng

Previously on Scream Queens...

Like 20 years or so ago,
a girl died in this tub.

She had a baby during a party

and the sisters let her bleed out
cause they were having so much fun.

PETE: There's no record of any
of these names except for one.

We have to find her.

ROGER: Oh, my God,
there's two of them!

You're the killer.

(typewriter keys clacking)

("Law & Order" stinger plays)

I own Halloween.
It's my jam.

Halloween is the most
important day of the year.

It's the one day
on the Gregorian calendar

where you're allowed
to go around terrifying children

and not be branded a psychopath.

I am a future
network news anchor

who's super classy and has
almost no fat on her body.

But a lot of my fans are,
like, friendless, dumpy coeds

at this or that nursing school

in one of this country's
various national armpits.

And Chanel-o-ween
is the one time of year

where I can give
these precious donkeys

something to look forward to.

They put down their Hot Pockets
and bask in the warm glow

of what it feels like...
to love me.

with my comatose grandmother's
credit card

and bought presents.

This severed hand...
is for Malloreigh.

(gasps)

These razor apples--

for Daisy.

Oh, my gosh!

(excited squealing)

(shrieks)

Oh, my God, it says my name!

It's her writing and everything!

"Heather, I hope the severed leg
brightens up your trailer park."

(crying):
"You're a bright light in my life,

"and I wanted you to know

how much you impress me
with your frumpy spirit."

Ooh!

"You are so devastatingly
mediocre and adorable"!

Oh, my gosh!

"I can't wait
to see you in person,

"but before that,
I'd like to see you post this

"all over social media,
to exploit it for my own gain.

Happy Chanel-o-ween."

Aah! It's a rotting
jack-o'-lantern!

Aah! This box is
just filled with blood!

She got me a razor apple!

(screams)

Chanel gave me a dead head!

"Dear Riley,
I stole this cadaver head

from an ophthalmology student
just for you."

(crying)

There's this woman, Susan,
who's always posting sad videos

of herself online, and she
lives someplace horrible.

So... I guess we're just gonna
have to drive to Susan's house

and deliver some Chanel-o-ween
presents in person.

(doorbell chimes)
(gasping, laughing)

For you.

You're the most important person
in the world.

I would do anything...

for you, Chanel.

I love you so much.

(indistinct radio communication)
(sirens wailing in distance)

So you didn't see anyone
in a Red Devil costume

entering or leaving the house?

No, sir, I did not.

One last question.

Are you coming to the precinct
pig roast this year?

Because your heavenly hash

is to die for.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Thank you, dean. You're free to go.

- Thank you.
- Whoa, whoa, wait.

Alright, stop.

What, that's it?

Dean Munsch has been
a pillar in this community

for over three decades.

To suggest in any way

that she is somehow involved
with these killings

is a risible notion that,
frankly, I find offensive.

Come on,
she's obviously the killer!

Do you mean to suggest I
changed out of my nightgown,

strapped myself into a skintight
pleather Red Devil costume,

climbed out a
second-story dormer,

and shimmied to the ground
with a chain saw

before entering a window
I had left open,

tried to kill you,
then leapt out the window,

climbed back up the wall,
changed back into my nightgown,

and raced downstairs, all in
the course of about 90 seconds?

Yes! That is exactly what
we mean to suggest, Dean.

Weston...
(laughs softly)

this has been

a terrifying night, and, uh...

you're an overwhelmed
single father

who's back
on the dating scene, and...

clearly that's got you
a little freaked out.

I'm not gonna hold
any of this against you,

and I'm gonna let you be my date

for the faculty Halloween party.

We...

are going...

as Bo Peep...

and her sheep.

Listen up.

Attempted murder!

A guy was almost killed
tonight, okay?

This-this-this golf-frat
douche bag

got his arms chopped off

by a chain saw.

Now-now, no,
I'm not a detective,

hell, I ain't even a cop,

but what I am

is somebody who watched

every one
of those Cosby Mysteries, okay?

So I can tell you
that when you go out there

and you get those fingerprints

off the chain saw,

you gonna find out your killer

is that Zayday girl.

DISPATCH (over radio):
We have a possible dismemberment

at 129 Ashgrove. All units...
See?!

See? Dismemberment!

Denise Hemphill was
one step ahead of the po-po!

Yes! Ha-ha!

Shondell, if you can hear me

in that Best Buy parking lot
in the sky,

I am so sorry that

I pushed you out of my car
and drove off real scared.

But I promise you,
by Halloween night,

I will avenge your
face stabbing, baby girl, okay?

I, Denise Hemphill,

is gonna solve this crime.

(wind chimes tinkling)

You look beautiful.
I just can't believe that

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
is your favorite movie, too.

All right, so here
is the plan, Grace.

In precisely two and half
minutes when we go in there,

you let me do all the talking.

Fat chance, McConaughey.
Let's go. Come on.

(sighs): All right.
Ready?

Let's do this.

(door creaks softly)

BOTH:
Early trick or treat!

What are you dressed as?

We're Matthew McConaughey
and Kate Hudson

from the classic romantic comedy
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

It is a classic.
Really is.

You come to talk to me
about that night at Kappa House?

Uh, how... how-how
did you know?

I've been waiting 20 years
for someone to come around

asking about it.
Come in. Come in.

(floor creaking)
This is a lovely home.

Oh, you...
have a squirrel.

Don't see that much anymore.

I'm sorry I didn't know
what you all were dressed as.

I've been kind of off the grid
since that night.

Sit!

Breakfast is almost ready
We got meat today.

Mmm.
Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Okay...

Unfortunately,

a trucker got him in the head.
Oh.

Best to let that cool off

before you dig in.
Sure. Um...

So, Mandy,

what can you tell us
about that night? We work

for the Wallace U. Sentinel,
and we're doing a story on Kappa House.

Now, we will keep your name

out of it, of course.

You see, Mandy, I'm a vault,

and to get in this vault
you need a key.

Now, you may ask, a key to what?
It's a key to meaning.

Once you've found the meaning,
you don't need the words.

You know what I'm saying?
So find me the man

who's forgotten all the words
that I may have a word with him,

and then we can just...

(makes quiet whooshing sound)

...throw away the key.

GRACE:
Hey, Pete?

Shh. (clears throat)

Please,
continue with your story.

My life is
basically split in two.

Before that night, and after.

So it's real?

The story about the bathtub?

Damn straight it's real.

I was there.

BETHANY:
Are we gonna call the police?

Have any of you ever heard
of "negligent homicide"?

If the police come,
they will arrest all of you

for leaving this girl to die
while you were downstairs

getting into the groove.

Just like Footloose.

(crying):
I can't go to jail.

We need to dispose of
this body on our own.

Now, I've got everything
we need in the kitchen

to make sausages out of her.

I can sell them at the
farmers' market on Sunday,

or I can just feed them
to these bitches for dinner.

MUNSCH: No. We're
gonna bury her ourselves.

I'm gonna go downstairs,
shut this party down,

and then we'll get the body
out of here.

AMY:
Wait, I want to stay.

Okay? Somebody has
to watch after the baby.

Fine.

(baby crying)

MANDY:
She made us wear hoods

(girls sobbing) so we wouldn't see
where the body was.

Can you at least
turn on the radio?

Shut...

up.

(girls continue sobbing)

You're all gonna have
to leave school immediately,

and I would avoid any contact
with each other ever again.

But aren't her parents
gonna come looking for her?

And the baby's father?

Just leave the details to me.

We can't just act
like this never happened.

I am the administration's
liaison to Greek Life on Campus.

If a young sorority pledge dies
under my so-called supervision,

my career is over!

Her dreams are as dead as she is

while mine still burn bright.

I'm protecting you.

I'm protecting your families.

And you may think

I'm a monster tonight,

but years from now,

when you have lived a boring,

painfully uncreative life

in a home filled
with Pottery Barn sofas

and no integrity,

you're gonna remember me
as I truly am...

...your guardian angel.

(all grunting, gasping)

Hoods back on.

I left the next day.

Told my parents
it was from the stress.

Other girls changed their names
and moved away.

One girl killed herself,
I heard.

Another girl
was institutionalized.

The third is actually doing
pretty well on Fox News.

Munsch put the fear of God
into us that night.

She's the devil, that one.

(whispers):
The darkness.

You can't tell her
I talked to you about this.

Wha... What happened
to the baby?

I mean, what did Munsch do

with him?
I don't know.

Like I said, she was
pretty stingy with the details.

By the way, the baby was a girl.

Oh, no...
see, that's not possible.

It was a boy.
It's Chad Radwell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sweetheart...

I looked at that baby up close.

I know my peas and carrots.

That baby was a girl.

(soft gasp)

(whispers):
Oh, my God.

Vanilla latte,
cranberry-orange scone.

Listen, a little birdie

told me
you're thinking of running

for Kappa House President,
and I just want to say

you have my full support.

Thanks, but unless you're in Kappa House,

your support doesn't matter.

And why do you care anyway?

Look, when people hear the word
"fraternity" these days,

what do they think of?

A video of a bunch
of white dudes

singing a racist chant
in the back of a bus

or kids dying
of alcohol poisoning.

The Greek system will be
obsolete in a generation

if things don't change.

But I believe you and I
represent that change.

You and I?

Wait, are you telling me

that you're thinking of
running for president

of the Dollar Scholars?
(chuckles)

Oh, blimey, no.
I already tried and lost.

Trust me,
Chad is unbeatable there.

Do you think
I really can beat Chanel?

With the right campaign theme.

My campaign needs a theme?

So people know that you're not
just doing it to be popular.

Just throw a party
as a fund-raiser

for a cause
that's close to your heart.

Well, I would like to see
sickle cell anemia eradicated

in our lifetime.

What's wrong with you, girl?

It's nothing.

I don't know. I just
found out something,

and I feel like I can't stop

thinking about it until I talk

to my dad. It's-it's nothing.

Also, I'm sorry, is
anybody totally weirded out

that we are doing
this in the same room

that Ms. Bean got her
face burnt off in?

I mean, she literally
died right there.

Um, this just in--
Ms. Bean's not dead.

She's haunting the campus
with her fatness

and murdering people.

Now, show me your
pumpkins, sows.

We need to FedEx them off to my
Instagram followers right away

for Chanel-o-ween. Halloween
is right around the corner.

My pumpkin's drunk.
Approved.

Mine's Charles Manson.

Love.

Mine's Chad Radwell.

Fine.

Mine's Hurricane Andrew

and the destruction it wrought

on the state of Florida.

Mine's just a regular

jack-o'-lantern,

which I'm sure you'll hate.

Correct. Start over.

Zayday?

What the hell does that mean?

Well, for Halloween,

I'm hosting a haunted house

to raise money
for sickle cell anemia.

Because...

today is the day
that I declare my intention

to run for president
of Kappa House.

What?!

Wait...

why are you holding
a fund-raiser, though?

To show my voters
that I'm a serious candidate

and it isn't just
a popularity contest.

JENNIFER: But all your
voters are in this room.

You could have just told us.

Hey, Jennifer, can you hop off
the spectrum for just a second?

(exhales)

I don't think you understand

the magnitude of the
miscalculation you just made.

I can assure you you will not

be winning an election
anytime soon.

And when you lose, I am gonna
make it my lifelong passion

to destroy your reputation.

Let me brew you up a hot cup
of tellin' it like it is.

You're a stuck-up
little sociopath,

and everybody in this room
knows it.

I'm reasonably confident
that these girls will kick

your psycho ass to the curb
the first chance they get.

It might behoove you to recall

that everyone here witnessed
you actually murder someone,

a fact that's one
anonymous phone call away

from being a juicy little
segment on the local news.

I didn't kill Ms. Bean.

And if I do murder someone,

it's gonna be you.

Chanel, it's 3:00 a.m.

We're concerned about your
mental health.

What are you doing?

Just sharpening knives.

Kitchen knives
should be... razor-sharp.

(sobs)

Chanel, we're here for you.

It's gonna be okay.

A sitting Kappa president

has not lost the office
to a freshman in 150 years.

I am responsible

for the worst pledge class

in Kappa history, and now

Zayday's gonna win because
we live in the age of Obama?

I'll lose everything!

Chanel, please.

Put the knives down.

(sighs)

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

Look, Zayday's throwing
a haunted house for charity,

so... we'll just have to...

...throw another party, like...

...like, um...

A haunted pumpkin patch.

How very adolescent
of you to think of this.

It vaguely smacks of something
my six-year-old sister

would be excited about, but...

...great. Yes.

A haunted pumpkin patch
created expressly

to raise money for some
disease more heinous

than Zayday's sickle cell
anemia haunted house.

Like, um, um...
Guinea worm.

No.
Wolfman Syndrome.

No!
Bark skin.

Next.

Hold on.

(sighs)

It's the most

disgusting disease
in the history of mankind.

You get it when you don't
even understand the most basic

tenets of oral hygiene.

Okay, what is it?

Black...

hairy...

tongue.

Chanels...

thank you.

(cackles)
(screams)

Aah! Let me in!
Let me in!

(squirrel squeaking)

(TV playing indistinctly)

Just give the dang thing
its pot of gold already!

(knocking)

(cackling over TV)

(knocking continues)

I ain't got no candy!

(floorboards creaking)

(insects trilling)

(squirrel squeaking)

(whispering):
Did you hear that?

(bang)

(knocking)

(bang)

(shuddering breaths)
(knocking)

(persistent thumping)

(clanging, banging)

(whimpering)

(clanging, banging continue)

(clanging, banging stop)

(soft creaking)

(screams)

(screaming)

(blade slashing)

Oh, yeah.

Bet you're
a sexy dirt-covered girl.

That's what I bet you are.

Ah. Who are you?

"Dorothy Ann Jesperson."

What's up?

My name's Chad.

(unzipping pants)
Chad Radwell.

HESTER:
Is that your grandmother?

I was just, um... I was, uh...

Say it.

I don't know. Sometimes, uh...

sometimes I come out here

and I just rub my hands
on the gravestones.

When I find a gravestone I like,
I, um...

get turned on
and I-I rub one out to it.

I get it.

I get you more than anyone.

I also find the
thought of dead bodies

extremely arousing.

Oh, God, that is such
a relief to hear.

I just don't understand why I
have all these dark feelings.

You know, I just think our generation's
had it too easy, you know?

We haven't seen
enough horrible stuff.

There's no awesome diseases
randomly killing people.

There's not really
any awesome wars

to go off to and witness
horrific things you can't unsee.

We, like, pulled out
of all of 'em.

(sighs) I don't know.

Sometimes I just don't even feel
like I'm living, you know?

The only time I feel anything is when
I'm thinking about chopping up a body.

I feel the same way.

And here you are,

saddled up with an uptight
girlfriend who freaked out

for no other reason
than the fact

that you just wanted to
fantasize about having sex

with her lifeless corpse.

I want everything Chanel has.

Oh...

And that includes you.

Oh, my God,
I got a total chub right now.

HESTER:
Chanel's done.

Zayday's gonna win
for Kappa House President.

And when she does,
I'm pretty sure

that Vice President
will fall into my hands.

And when Zayday just happens
to fall down a flight of steps

or drown in a retention pond,

then you will once again be
porking Kappa's top bitch,

and this bitch puts out.

Okay, I need to do it right now.

Right now on Dorothy,
you and me, please.

Not scary enough.

We're alone in a foggy cemetery.

There's a serial killer
on the loose.

Keep your phone on.

And if you're lucky,

maybe in the next
couple of days,

you'll get a call from someone
with a very scary location

of where to meet.

And maybe...

she'll let you in the back door.

(exhales)

Bye.

Oh, my...

What?

Did you see that?

He wants you, too, Malachai.

(on screen): He wants you, too.
(mouthing)

(growling on screen)

What... what could be scarier

for an adult than a child
coming to murder them?

Huh? No? No one?

Isn't that all of
our greatest fear?

That the pain, the regrets,
the mistakes of our youth

will destroy us
in our adulthood?

That we can't escape...

our inner child.

One we would rather forget,

but who, at the end
of the day...

has all the power.

See you next Tuesday.

Hey, Gracie.

How come we never
talk about Mom?

You told me that she
went to this school

and that she joined Kappa

and that died when I was
two and not much else.

It's hard for me
to talk about sometimes.

I miss her a lot.

It's pretty convenient.

That she died in a fire.

All of her stuff got burned.

Any record of her.

My birth certificate.

What are you talking about?

Why are you lying to me?

Something does not make sense.

Why did this all start happening
as soon as I got to campus?

Why am I the only person
in Kappa without a mother?

Shh. Hey. Honey.

You got to give me
more here, okay?

I don't understand
what you're getting at.

Are you on bath salts?

Just tell me.

Tell me the truth.
Tell me right now.

Am I the baby that was
born in Kappa that night?

Did Mom die in that bathtub?

What?

No, you were born in a hospital.

I was there. I saw you
come out of your mother.

Big mistake, by the way.

This is crazy.
Gracie!

I am going to find out

what's going on.

And if you lied to me
and it turns out

you're the killer seeking some

sick act of revenge because mom

did die
in the bathtub that night,

then I am never
speaking to you again!

Gra... Come on.

(door closes)

(phone chimes)

_

(door creaks open)

Pete? Uh...

Boo!
Oh!

(laughs) Gotcha.
God.

Honestly--
don't do that.

Why are we even here?

To find out who
that baby was. Come.

Boo!
Aah!

(laughs)
Yeah, see? Not so fun,

is it?

What are you guys doing here?

Scoping the place out.
Spooky, right?

This is where we're
having the haunted house

for sickle-cell anemia.

(group shouts, gasps)
Hell, no, you won't!

This house is haunted.

She's right.

BOTH: See, I did some research
down at the library...

When?
When?

Last night.
Last night.

BOTH:
I didn't see you there.

Which library?
Which library?

Baker Street.
North Jackson.

Oh.
Oh.

Okay.
Yeah.

See, I wanted
to do some research

on the hag from Shady Lane.

There's a legend in this
neighborhood about a woman

who wailed about
her dead children.

And this was the

house she lived in.
House she lived in.

Yeah.

Neighbors said
they heard a woman

moaning and howling low.
(woman moaning)

But then some people said,
"Oh, no, that's just

the wind or a raccoon
singing. Until one day,

some kids looked up and saw her
standing in the window,

dressed in black,

staring out at that street,
just a-moanin'.

(moans eerily)

Now, they tried to tell folks

about the hag in the old house

on Shady Lane, but
nobody believed 'em. Mm-mm.

They said, "These dumb ol' kids
are smoking crack.

Ain't no hag
in the house on Shady Lane."

But then...

someone else saw her.

(screams)

PETE:
The woman just thought the hag

was rooting around for food...

But then them kids...

heard that caterwauling again.

So they snuck into this house

and went

upstairs to the bedroom.

(woman wailing, moaning)

And do you know

what they saw?

Do you?!

Oh, my God.

They're toys she picked up
from all over the neighborhood.

That's incredible.

I think it's incredible
what you can find out

with just a quick trip
down to your local library.

And you know what year it was?
1995.

The same year as the bathtub baby.
Mm-hmm.

Nobody touch anything.

This can be one of the
rooms for the haunted house.

Uh, Zayday, can I talk
to you for a second...

in private?

Hold it right there.

What exactly do you plan on
doing at this haunted house?

Well, I was thinking we could
blindfold folks and make 'em

put their hands in a bowl
full of grapes we peeled,

so it'll feel like eyeballs.

It's for the fund-raising.

We're trying to raise money.

More like raise the body count.

With murder.

Oh, yeah.

I'm onto you, Zayday Williams.

I think the reason you want
to have a haunted house party

is 'cause a haunted party is
like a buffet for murderers.

Yeah, yeah, you
can just go around

killing anybody you
want and ain't nobody

even gonna even notice.
Just like you

chopped the arms off
that dumb-ass golf guy.

Oh, ho-ho! Didn't know I
knew that, did you? Yeah.

I got you.

Denise Hemphill knows
you own a chain saw

and you were supposed to be

at your philosophy
study group that night,

but you never showed up.

Because I skipped it
to go to the Burger Shack

with Jennifer
the candle blogger.

Ooh, Burger Shack.

But can I ask you something?

Why do you have it out for me?

Maybe it's because
you're the killer.

What?! That... that is
ridiculous. That's crazy.

Is it?
Because I happen to know

you also went
to Wallace University

and also pledged Kappa.
Oh, that's right.

When I snuck into the archives
to find the paperwork

to file my candidacy
for chapter president,

I found a list of pledges

from 1988, and one of them

was named Denise Hemphill.

I'm so sorry.

I think there's been a mistake.

The African sorority
is Omicron Omicron Omicron

and their house
is down the street.

I know. I don't want
to be a member of the OOO house.

Look at me. (giggles)
I want to be a Kappa.

(wry laugh)

I don't think you'd like it
here at Kappa House.

(mocking laughter echoing)

Once she was rejected,

she dropped out of school.

Mm.

And enrolled in
community college.

That's good sleuthin',
Zayday Williams.

Mm-hmm.

You might be able to get a job

with Secure Enforcement
Solutions one day,

if you decide to give up
murdering folks for a living.

You have it out for me
because when you were here,

Kappa wouldn't accept
women of color.

So now you look at me and see
everything you could've been.

Well, you're just gonna have to
see me take it one step further

by becoming the first
black president of Kappa house.

And that's just gonna
chap your hide.

Make you want
to kill, kill, kill, huh?

Happy Halloween, Zayday.

I hope you have a
good time at your

haunted party and get to
murder lots of folks.

Just remember--

Denise Hemphill
has her eyes on you.

CHANEL:
I have it on good authority

that the Red Devil
is gonna kill someone

in Zayday's haunted house.
Don't let it be you.

How do you know
that's gonna happen?

I don't, but how stupid
would the killer be

to not kill someone there?

It's Halloween,
everyone will be in costume.

Hell, he could kill someone

and people would think
it was decoration.

You have this
way too thought out.

Isn't this kind of nice?

I mean, why else did we all join
a sorority in the first place?

My sense of personal identity
is completely external.

If I didn't have
Kappa to define me,

I really don't
have much to offer.

I've found that my
particular style of speaking

and gesticulation is extremely
off-putting to most boys.

And girls. And anyone. But with
Kappa as my calling card,

everyone seems to overlook that.

I joined for whatever
reason you joined, Chanel.

No, I'm talking about girls
uniting with a common goal.

I needed you guys to totally
crush the will of young Zayday.

To destroy
her haunted house, sure,

but also to destroy her spirit.

And you have all
rallied around me.

Just like I would do for any of
you if I wasn't busy that day.

I need to eat.
My blood sugar is crashing.

I would be honored to
treat you all to lunch.

We always bring our own.

I am so grateful

that you guys are sharing your
not-food lunch with me, but

won't we, like, die

if we eat cotton balls?

Only if they cause a blockage

in our intestinal tracts,

but that's
what the sauce is for.

CHANEL #5:
Lubrication.

And it gives you that
wonderfully full

feeling without
all of the calories.

You know what?
Poo Belly is right.

I'm tired of depriving myself
of joy and sustenance.

I mean, for what?
So a boy will like me?

Guys can be as porky
as they want and we still

like them.
I'm skinny as

Karen Carpenter in the morgue
and Chad Radwell still

won't commit to me.

I may die at the end
of a serial killer's blade,

but I refuse to die hungry.

Let's go get some pizza.

(Tommy imitates wolf howl)

Which one of you ladies

would like to be my costume
for Halloween?

I'm going as "Dude Having

Awesome Sex With You."
(chuckles)

Who the hell
do you think you are?

Uh... Tommy?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, ladi...

ladies.
All right?

He was just trying to be nice, okay?
Yeah.

I mean, what in the hell's wrong
with the world where a guy can't

even whistle at a chick just
to tell her she looks hot?

I mean, how else are people
supposed to meet people?

I recently took a women's
studies class. Yes, because

it was a requirement,
but I learned a lot anyways.

Like the culture that says
it's okay for a man to objectify

a woman for her appearance
is the same culture

that pressures girls as young
as ten to have eating disorders.

So you're basically saying
I'm the one

responsible for making you
look hot?

You're welcome.

There is a killer
on this campus murdering women.

When you treat us like meat,
you're no better than him!

You're gonna tell
us to smile now?

Call us sweetheart?

Actually, yes. It's kind of
my signature move.

Yeah, well, this is mine!

(groaning)

No!

(groaning)

You bitch!

Hey, that's my sister,

and she's no bitch, but I am.

(grunting)

(screaming)

You want to see me smile?
Well, I'm smiling!

Wow. Those cotton balls do not
provide much energy, do they?

(applause and cheering)

(kick thuds)

(insects trilling)

Hey, Chad.
Oh, hey.

I'm not really sure how you
got my number, but I like

how you took the
initiative and texted me

where you wanted us to meet.

What are you talking about?
You texted me.

Hmm. Mysterious.

Makes it

extra scary.

So,

do you think you're man enough

to take me inside that
house and attack my crack?

I guarantee you
I'm man enough for that.

(door creaks open)

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Haunted house doesn't even
start for another two hours.

Why would they light
all the candles?

It seems wasteful.

Come on.

I'll sure this house has
an amazingly romantic basement.

This is so hot.

(sighs)

Hey, so, uh,
a little awkward since

we're about to bone down
and everything,

but, um, what's your name?

Hester.

(silently mouths)

Right.

That's great.
I love that name.

So, uh... Hester?

Hester, where are you?

HESTER:
This way.

What...?

(sniffing)

Oh. Smells like roadkill.

Yo, Hester!

Kind of make it hard
to throw you a bone

when I can't even find you.

HESTER (eerie whisper):
Chad...

We're doing it in here.

Uh... I'm coming.

Oh, my gosh.

(unzipping pants)

Look.

A wax replica of Ms. Bean
with her face fried off.

That is not a replica!

(both screaming)

Whoa!

Whoa!

(screaming)

Whoa!

(screaming)
Oh, no.

(both screaming)

(screaming)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come here.

Oh!
(screaming)

Oh, God!

(screaming)

Go!

HESTER (gasps):
Oh, my God,

it's Chanel 2!
(screaming)

(both screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go!

I've never been so scared
in my whole life.

My finger went in her leg.

All right, if we
go to the police,

they're gonna see I'm still
rocking a mad sidepipe,

and they're gonna think I
had something to do with it.

But the haunted house is
starting, like, now.

We have to warn people.

All right, everybody listen up!

All of your lives are in danger!

Do not go to the haunted house

on Shady Lane!
There are dead bodies!

Dead bodies.
Real-life dead bodies.

Did you say dead bodies?

Dude, that sounds awesome!

Come on, everybody! Let's go to
the haunted house on Shady Lane!

(cheering and screaming)

No!

Look at all these people.

What the hell is going on here?

Those are like the most
lifelike dead bodies

I've ever seen.
Wait.

Um, excuse me?
Hi. Sorry.

You two, uh,
wh-where are these dead bodies?

Start with the ones upstairs.
So gross.

(thudding and clinking)

Um, hello, everybody!

Uh, I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you all to leave.

WOMAN:
Shut up.

Whatever.

Uh, come on, Zayd.

Excuse me.
Coming through.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God!

Is that a real dead body?

Yeah, that's a real dead body.
Dude, who is it?

PETE:
Just read the tombstone, dude.

Flipping. Is that
another real dead body?

Oh, that must be Shondell.

That's it. I'm calling 911.

No, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, Zayd.

Ms. Bean died at Kappa House
so that would drag you two

into all of this.
Yeah, the cat's already out of the bag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
guys, guys, guys, no.

Hello?

MAN:
911.

Yes, you need to send the police

to the haunted house
on Shady Lane.

Oh, my God! You're at the
haunted house on Shady Lane?!

I'm going as soon
as my shift's over.

I heard it's awesome!

No, no, no, it's not awesome.

Oh. Not awesome because it's not
scary enough, or, uh...?

Because there are dead people
everywhere!

Oh, my God!
Please send help!

Well, of course
there are dead bodies.

It's a haunted house.

And I'm sorry,
but that does sound awesome.

Listen, there are real bodies
of real dead people,

and there's a guy in an ice
cream cone nailed to the wall!

Bless his heart.
Please send help!

Sweet baby Jesus.

Miss, you're at an awesome
scary haunted house.

This is not an emergency, okay?

You should go back in and enjoy
the awesome haunted house

and know that non-emergency
calls to 911

waste hundreds of thousands
of taxpayer dollars every year.

You actually make
a real good point

about the taxpayers
wasting they dollar,

and when I become the president,
I'll really try to fix... that.

Thought I saw
or heard something.

But like I said,
dead people are...

(screaming)

We have to file
a missing persons report.

Someone's kidnapped Zayday.

CHANEL:
I just hope

she's found alive in
time for the election.

I mean, it would be
insane to vote

for a girl who
might already be dead.

Dean Munsch, you got
to shut down this campus

immediately!

Oh, hello, Weston.

There are five dead bodies
in that house.

Laid out in horrible
and deliberate macabre poses.

The department is not prepared
to say that the bodies there

are related in any way
to these alleged incidents

that have been
happening on campus.

Because it's
an off-campus house.

You can't be serious.

Let's go over the list
of dead people.

Ms. Bean,

who, apparently, has been dead

for a few weeks...
Mm-hmm.

and, also, apparently,
had her face

fried off.
CHANEL: What?!

Not Ms. Bean! No! No!

They were very close.

More importantly, not a student.

Next?

CHISHOLM:
Shondell Washington.

Security guard.
Also dead at least two weeks.

Also... not a student.

CHISHOLM:
A Jane Doe.

Approximate age, 40.

Uh, cause of death:

stabbed a whole lot
and all over.

And not a student.
Uh-uh.

Well, what about Coney?

PETE:
Yeah, yeah, his head

was chopped off by a chain saw,
just like the one

the Red Devil used
to cut that guy's arms off.

Now, I'm no detective, but that

does seem a little more
than coincidental.

CHANEL 5:
And Chanel 2!

I mean, I know for a fact
she was a student.

Yeah, she was in my art history
class, I think.

If you continue
to refuse to admit

that this campus and
its students are under attack,

then I will be forced
to go to the media.

Okay, adults, why don't
we head into the kitchen?

We can discuss the best course
of action over cr?pes.

You are not leaving
this house tonight.

Dad.
Now don't argue with me. Stop.

(sirens wailing)
Sir, you have nothing to worry about.

I will keep a close eye on her. I'm Pete.
Just stop.

Who is this dude?

He's just not gonna like you.

Wait. Um, excuse me.
Where are you going?

We need to form a search party
for Zayday?

Zayday should have
considered the fact

that she was gonna get
kidnapped before betraying me.

You know what, Chanel?

You make it harder and harder
to believe that you're not the killer.

Ladies, we have a pumpkin patch
fund-raiser to attend to.

Hey, Grace...

I think we should
talk about Mandy.

We were the last people
to see her alive.

Listen, there's something
I have to tell you.

I found out something

really interesting,
and now I have a theory.

There is something so weird
about Hag of Shady Lane.

I'd say everything.

Everything is weird
about that story.

I went down to the
police headquarters

to the Records and
Identification Division.

The earliest reports
of wailing from the house

was November, 1995.

But before that,
there's nothing, but just

three weeks earlier, there
were two reported thefts.

One from a convenience store

about a woman in black who
came in and stole diapers,

and another from a milkman

who said that a woman
in a black robe

stole a crate of milk
from the back of his truck.

But he couldn't get a good look
at her due to the, quote,

"all-around haggy
nature of her person."?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

There were still milkmen
in 1995?

Pete, this was one month
after the bathtub incident!

And suddenly, the
Hag of Shady Lane

is stealing milk and diapers?

She was taking care of a baby.

The baby, Pete.

I mean, it's too
big a coincidence.

I think she had the Kappa baby.

I don't know how she got it,

whether she kidnapped it,
or someone gave it to her...

but if we're ever gonna find
out what happened to that baby,

we have to figure out
who that woman was.

(wood creaking in distance)

(woman wailing, sobbing in
distance)

(chair creaking,
woman sobs and wails)

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