All language subtitles for Scream Queens s01e01.eng

(panting)

(panting)

You have to come.

Something really bad happened.

Did you just get your period
all over yourself?

(pants)

This isn't my blood.

Holy crap!

Who told you you could
have a baby here tonight?

Guys, I'm so sorry.

Obviously, I'm as upset

as anyone about this.

I'm sure I can walk
if I can just get some Gatorade.

I don't care if you can walk.

How are we supposed to get you
to the front door

without everyone seeing you all gross

and postpartum?

No one wants to see that at a party.

Right. Of course. Uh...

This is super embarrassing.

I didn't even know I was pregnant.

I just thought it was the freshman 15.

I thought I was having a bread baby.

You are officially the worst

Kappa pledge of all time.

Okay, we have to get her help.

You guys, they're playing "Waterfalls."

(gasps) Is that a baby? Amazing.

Look, this is our song.

TLC!

I am not missing "Waterfalls"

for this.

"Waterfalls" is my jam.

We can't just leave her.

(fussing) We'll be back after this song.

Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.

ALL:
Don't go chasing waterfalls

Kappa!

(crowd cheering)

You guys, I'm such a good babysitter.

I brought you some Bartles and Jaymes.

What the hell?

What's wrong with her? She looks awful.

She's dead.

How do you know she's dead?

Because her eyes are stuck open. (sniffles)

I tried to touch one, but she didn't move.

Dude, that is so gross.

I can't even wear contact lenses because

that freaks me out so much.

She's dead.

Okay? What the hell are we gonna do?

Synced and corrected by oykubuyuk
www.addic7ed.com

(alarm ringing)

Good morning, sluts.

ALL: Good morning, Chanel.

My name is Chanel Oberlin,

and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.

No.

No.

No.

These are my minions.

I don't know their names.

I don't want to know their names.

They're known as...

Chanel 2.

Chanel 3.

Chanel 5.

I'm Chanel 1, obvi.

There was a Chanel 4,
but she got meningitis.

She was like, "I'm sick.
I have to go home."

And I was like, "No. Stay."

But she went home anyway,
and then she died.

So another thing I was right about.

I'll see you ladies in bio.

I have a colonic at 10:00.

A lot of people talk smack
about how sororities

are exclusive and they're a class system.

Well, guess what.

Life is a class system.

And a sorority is the one place
left in the world

where you get to pick and
choose the people around you.

That obese specimen of human
filth scrubbing bulimia vomit

out of the carpet is Ms. Bean.
I call her White Mammy

because she's essentially a house slave.

Watch this.

Excuse me, White Mammy.

You're not allowed to call me that.

Sorry. I have a question.
And it's just a hypothetical.

If I asked you

if you knew somethin' 'bout birthin' babies

or if you didn't know nothin'
'bout birthin' no babies...

what would you say?

I'd say I don't know.

Don't know...?

I don't know nothin'

'bout birthin' no babies.

Amazing. Thank you.

Oh, still a lot of puke to scrub.

Let's make that a priority.

The things you say are hilarious

- and poignant.
- Thank you.

Yeah, you have an
amazing skill at telling people

what they need to hear.

I'm sorry. Did I ask you
to pull down my panties

and blow a compliment up my butt?

Nobody likes a suck-up, Chanel 5.

Oh, Ms. Chanel, I almost forgot.

The Dean of Students called, and
she needs to see you right away.

DEAN: I'm gonna be honest.

I hate sororities, and I hate you.

For years, I've seen the damage

these so-called sisterhoods
have had on young girls.

Do you think you like to munch box

because your last name is Munsch,

or is that just a coincidence?

First of all, I'm not a lesbian.

Second, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

You see, out in the real world,

people just don't talk
that way to other people.

It's not normal.

Now, I'm not sure you're aware,

but I'm no longer Associate Dean.

After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate
passing over the summer,

I was promoted to her position.

Well, that sure sounds suspicious.

Yes. I snuck into the home
of my 80-year-old colleague

of 20 years and dropped a
transistor radio in her bathtub

so I could get a five percent raise.

Take your glasses off.

Now, Dean Reynolds' oversight of Greek life

at this school was so negligent
that it bordered on criminal.

And Kappa is the source of
rampant reports of alcoholism,

prescription drug abuse, racism,

as well as allegations of bestiality...

No one forced that goat
to get as drunk as it got.

That's on him.

But all of it is like children

playing in a sandbox
compared to the horrors

that occurred at Kappa last spring.

This is the final police report
on the assault

on your presidential predecessor
at Kappa, Melanie Dorkess.

That girl was a bitch
who thought she was all that

because her family founded the Olive Garden

and she had no gag reflex.

My main problem with you,
Chanel, is that you're short.

And, historically, short people
are sneaky backstabbers,

like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.

I asked, but the dry cleaner said

they couldn't rush the clothes.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not finished.

I could actually handle

that you're built like a Thai lady boy,

but what I can't stand

is that you think you're my heir apparent.

The Greek system is under
fire all over the country.

The next president of this
house has to be willing

to dance with the devil himself

to keep this thing of ours going.

And, baby, you ain't got it.

I'm sorry, Chanel.

You are no longer invited on my plane

down to Punta Mita for spring break.

No. Please don't do this to me.

Don't you want me to spray-tan you?

I have it all ready.

No, Chanel. I would honestly
rather not have you around.

(door closes)

Okay. Someone turn me
into Jada Pinkett Smith.

(whirring)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(panting)

MUNSCH: The police still can't figure out

who filled that tank with hydrochloric acid.

(screaming)

You know what I think?

I think you did it.

I think you knew

that with her out of the way,

Kappa would be yours for the taking.

(chuckles) I'm flattered.

But like the final police report says,

the manufacturer of said spray tan

settled with Melanie out of court.

It's good enough for me, and the D.A.,

who, last I heard,
considers the case closed.

This is personal for me, Chanel.

You represent everything that is wrong

with young girls nowadays,
and I'm gonna take you

and that so-called kingdom

you call a sorority down,

and I'm gonna start
by revoking its charter.

(knocking)

Uh... Chanel, I can take it

from here.

Gigi Caldwell. Hi.

Hi, hi, hi. I'm president
of the national chapter

of Kappa Kappa Tau.

What is that skirt?

Uh, it's Forenza.

Yeah.

So, um... you can't revoke our charter.

I'm so sorry.

That'll be up to the board of trustees.

(chuckles) Your organization
might want to find a lawyer.

I am the lawyer.

I graduated summa cum laude

from a fourth-tier law school

in the Caribbean, so...

I'm a pretty smart cookie. (chuckles)

Okay, you can't let her revoke our charter.

My career depends on it.

Every year, the head of Kappa gets

a year-long internship
with Good Morning America

and Kappa sister Diane Sawyer.

How else am I supposed
to become a network news anchor?

Are you done?

Okay, Chanel, why don't you
head back to the house

and start getting it ready for rush.

It's gonna be a totally rad one this year.

We have a side boob mixer,
followed by a white party,

where everyone is
encouraged to wear/be white.

CHANEL: In regards to

your fatwa against me, Dean Box Munch,

I'm sure you are aware that my daddy

is the largest donor
to this university's endowment.

I would not get personal
with me, sweetheart.

I don't fight fair.

I may not be able to
revoke its charter today,

but there is no way that Kappa,

at least the way it's constituted now,

is surviving the year.

You know what, I could not
agree with you more.

May I make a suggestion?

MAN: I, uh, I made a playlist

for the ride. Check it out.
Let me see.

Oh, let me guess, "Grace College Drive"?

You're so literal.
I just hope it's not maudlin.

Big word, college girl.

("A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri playing)

Dad, are you kidding?

-
Ooh... - (laughs)

What? I am sentimental.

You know, when I took you to
see Twilight in the theater,

it was your first
PG-13 movie.

Come on.

Team...

- Edward. Edward.
- Yes. Edward. Team Edward.

Look, I'm-I'm totally freaking
out about all this, okay?

Y-You're all I got, Gracie.
No pressure or anything.

And I know this... I know
this makes me a loser,

but, uh...

You're my best friend.

Well, it does make you a loser.

Look, Dad, I'm really gonna be fine.

I went online, and Wallace University is

one of the safest campuses in the nation.

I-... I know, okay? I'm... I'm... I'm
gonna ask you one more time.

- Dad...
- Please don't join a sorority.

- Dad, we already talked about this.
- Look, girls are vicious, okay?

And I know you think
sororities are some kind of,

like, magical sisterhood,

but it's actually Game of Thrones

once you pull back the veneer.

Dad, Mom died when I was
two years old, okay?

I don't have any of my own memories.

I've got the stories that you tell me

and a few old photographs
that survived the fire

and this.

You know, there's that one photo of her

in the sorority house,
and she's with her sisters,

and she just looks so happy.

Every time I've pictured her,
it's with this pin

on her formal dress and
a big smile on her face.

I just feel like

if I join Kappa,

it'll be like I'm following
in her footsteps.

And how many other chances am I gonna have

to feel close to her like that?

(sighs)

Okay, so, um...

You ready?

Just like we planned.

Three-second silent hug,
and then you leave.

And-and no eye contact.

- Right.
- Okay.

(panting) One.

Two.

Three.

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Ooh, somebody call CSI,
because there was a murder scene

in that bathroom.

Hi. I'm Zayday. I'm your roommate.

Uh, hi. I'm-I'm Grace.

And what-what's wrong with the bathroom?

Someone puked in the sink,

and I'm pretty sure
I saw an actual ringworm

climbing up the wall.

I'm not afraid of anything,

but that bathroom
scared the crap out of me.

(chuckles)

I've got to get out of this dorm room.

Was that your dad
who ran out crying before?

Yeah. I know, it's, like, super dorky,

but we're really close.

Oh. Where's your mom?

GRACE: She died when I was really little,

so I don't really remember her.

My mom was mostly out the picture, too.

I was raised by my grandma,
who told me every day,

if I really, really applied myself,

I could get out of Oakland

and grow up to be the first
black woman president.

And here you are. That's amazing.

Yeah, except she was serious.

My grandma ain't no joke.
She like Tiger Woods' daddy.

- Trying to make me golf and everything.
- (laughs)

Girl, I was terrified I was
gonna get some religious freak

or a cutter for a roommate,
but you're dope.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna
be in the room for very long.

I'm rushing Kappa Kappa Tau.

Hey, why don't you join with me?

- Girl, I'd rather die.
- Ooh, come on.

This is gonna be a year
of infinite possibilities.

I can feel it.

And if you are serious about
becoming president someday,

becoming president of Kappa
is not a bad place to start.

Actually, you make a good point.

WOMEN:
Sisters now

Don't look so excited. It's not diet.

Cindy McCain is pretty much

- who I want to be when I grow up.
- Me, too.

Or Megyn Kelly.

Hold this. It's too heavy.

Your role models are awesome,
and you're legacies,

so you're a total lock to get in. (chuckles)

(clinking on glass)

Sisters, potential pledges,

I have an important announcement to make.

I am bursting like a piece of Freshen-Up.

(laughs) Anyway,

Dean Munsch and I were talking about

how to bring Kappa Kappa Tau

into the 21st century.

Now,

what's cool these days is

a global community free of cliques...

Let's cut to the chase.

This year, Kappa will be required

to accept anyone

who wishes to become a pledge.

(gasping, murmuring)

Things just got interesting.

(stammering): I'm in? I'm in?

Yeah, you in, girl. You in.

MUNSCH: If you're enrolled

at this university, you are free

to become a pledge at Kappa Kappa Tau.

The doors are open

to the public.

(murmuring)

Don't!

(panting)

You can't do this!

(chuckles)

(door opens)

You didn't knock!

You know what that means.

Rules are rules.

Thank you. Now, what is it?

You have to come downstairs.

Now.

CHANEL: This is a total nightmare.

If this is our pledge class, I'm killing myself.

And then Munsch.

Look at them. They're the dregs of society.

I can't believe this.

Each one of these gashes
is worse than the next.

I spent the last two weeks

learning the whole history
of Kappa Kappa Tau.

It was founded in 1837 at Miami
University in Oxford, Ohio.

CHANEL: Neckbrace.

Real name: Hester Ulrich, history major.

She smells like hot dog water,
and probably sprained her neck

giving blumpkins down at
the local bowling alley.

I love Taylor Swift.

I know the lyrics to
every one of her songs,

and I don't let the fact
that I'm deaf stop me

from singing them at the top of my lungs

whenever I get the chance.

CHANEL: Deaf Taylor Swift.

Real name: Tiffany something.

And like all deaf people,
she has horrible halitosis.

Look, I'm not saying that
all heterosexual sex is rape.

I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross,

and that deep down, every woman knows this.

CHANEL: Predatory Lez.

Real name: Mac or Butch or something.

Two days ago, I caught her
staring at my ass on the quad.

All that girl's after is
a whole lot of bikini burger.

I feel you.

Hey, girl, can I just ask you,
what's up with your outfit?

My therapist says I had a
traumatic experience

that kept part of my psyche
forever trapped in the '90s.

But I'm, like, uh, I'll take it.

CHANEL: And then there's those two.

God knows what they're
talking about, basic bitches.

- (door bell rings)
- What fresh hell is this?

Chanel, I'd like to
introduce you to Jennifer.

I'm sorry, Kappa doesn't participate

in the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Oh, but you do now.

Jennifer here is a sophomore.

I found her sitting alone in the library

without a friend in the world,

which leads me to you, Chanel.

Jennifer here is your new pledge.

Jennifer, why don't you tell Chanel

a little bit about your interests?

I'm a candle vlogger.

What the hell is that?

You guys, I love this one.

I got it at Bath&Body Works, half off.

I call it the Nancy Meyers experience,

because when you burn it,

it smells like creamy couches
and menopause.

You know, like a Nancy Meyers movie.

(echoing): Four stars.

(sniffing)

(screaming)

(groans)

Look, I don't know what to tell you, Chanel.

If Kappa's suddenly filled
with weirdos and fatties,

there is literally no way
you can be popular.

And I need you to stay popular,

'cause if you want to stay at the top

of the list of the pieces of ass
I'm getting, there's criteria.

And the criteria is you got to be popular.

But, Chad...

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there,

because I'm getting really pissed off.

Chad is an amazing person.

Chad Radwell is

the president of the
Dickie Dollar Scholars,

and he's super hot, and
he doesn't have time for this.

Are-are you fake crying?

Stop fake crying.

When you fake cry, you are so not hot. Ugh.

I just think you are amazing, Chad.

Anyone you dated would be popular.

I mean, they would be popular

because they're dating you.

Okay. Boone.

Thank you.

Look, Chanel, I'm a psychology major,

so I'm gonna break this down

into terms that you'll understand.

My ego... it's super strong.

Okay, but it's not strong enough

that I can just go around
dating garbage people.

Like, yes, I could find a random girl

who wasn't popular, and, yes,

if I started dating her,
she would then become popular.

Dude, that is great idea for a movie.

Somebody should make that movie.
I would see that movie.

Me, too. You know who
should direct that movie?

Michael Bay, the greatest
director of all time.

But I can't go date a girl

who was popular and then
she just stopped being popular.

Because that would be crazy.

It's crazy, and nobody's
gonna go see that movie.

Do you know why nobody's gonna
go see that movie?

I...

'Cause it never got made.

But you said you loved me.

I do sort of love you.

I just... I would love you a lot more

if other people loved you, too.

(sighs) Listen,

I can't date a garbage person, Chanel.

I won't. I'm not gonna do that to myself.

Uh, I need you to leave.

Okay, I need you to leave
because you're bumming me out,

and you're bumming Boone out.

(Chanel scoffs)

And we're just trying to have a nice day

hitting golf balls at hippies.

Cross swords, bro.

Good-bye.

MAN (in distance): You guys,
support human rights.

Amnesty International.

(grunts)

Oh, hi, Ms. Bean. What are you doing?

(groans): Oh. Oh.

You told me to scrub all the floors

in the house with a Barbie toothbrush.

Ms. Bean, this sorority is
for pretty girls only.

Pretty girls, like you and me.

Now, I have a plan to keep it that way,

and you're a part of that plan.

CHANEL: If Dean Munsch gets her way,

Kappa's gonna be filled
with fatties and ethnics.

The fatties will bring
their big old appetites,

and you know what those
ethnics will bring with them?

Weird spices from their home countries.

That is a nuclear combination, Ms. Bean.

The weird ethnic spices
will send the fatties

racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire

out of their huge, swollen bowels.

Think of the splash back.

Think of the undersides
of all of the toilets

that you're gonna have
to sanitize, Ms. Bean.

I don't want that.

I don't want that for you.

Here you go.

Uh, welcome to The Grind.
What can I get started for you?

You don't want anything, do you?
(muttering)

I'll have a Trenta, no-foam,
five-shot half-caf, no foam,

pumpkin spice latte with
no foam at 210 degrees.

First of all, that's really hot.

That's two degrees below boiling.

I'm sorry, did I enter a wormhole

to a universe where this coffeehouse

does not possess the technology to heat

my favorite autumnal
tradition to 210 degrees?

I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot,

so please comply with my request.

But extra hot is 170 degrees.

I'm sorry, does your job description

entail arguing with your customers, thereby

delaying the moment at which
they receive the irresistible,

nutmeggy sweetness of
the extra hot, no foam,

pumpkin spice latte they've been
thinking about all day?

I mean, God!

Ma'am, what would you like?

She doesn't want anything! She wants you

to start making my extra hot, no foam,

pumpkin spice latte!

(scoffs) So, anyway, since we can't

turn the castoff pledges away,

we're gonna have to scare them off.

That's why I'm gonna burn
your face off. What?

(sighs) Not for real, silly,
it'll be pretend.

So here's the skinny. We're gonna get

in a fight, and I'm gonna dunk your head

- in the deep fryer.
- What? No!

The oil won't be hot. We'll
turn off the machine, idiot.

Oh. You'll just pretend and
come up all screaming,

and I guarantee all those
newbies will run screaming

into the night and go pledge
some other sorority.

Sound like a plan?

Right, one 210-degree, Trenta, five-shot,

no foam, pumpkin spice,

half-caf, no foam latte for Chanel.

Thank you, coffee donkey.

Ugh! You burned the milk!

Learn to make a pumpkin spice latte,

you psychopath.

Next time, I get you fired, or worse.

Other barista!

(sighs)

Welcome to The Grind. How may I help you?

Pumpkin spice latte, please.
I want it freezing though.

(laughs)

Actually, I just want a regular coffee.

Those white girl
pumpkin spice lattes annoy me.

- I'm in love.
- (laughs)

Name?

Se?orita Awesome.

You got it,

Se?orita Awesome.

Look, uh, sorry about that girl
who went all latte-psycho on me.

Her name's Chanel; she's
president of the Kappa House.

And she thinks that means her
poop smells like ginger beer.

I know her.

I... I mean, I just met her.
I'm pledging Kappa.

You don't seem the type.

Well, clearly, you haven't
discovered the many layers

of Se?orita Awesome.

Se?orita Awesome, wait up.

Oh, it's Grace, actually.

Grace, Pete.

Look, you can't join Kappa House.

I don't just work as a barista,
I'm also the editor

of the school paper, The Sentinel.

I like to think of myself, uh,

as an investigative reporter.

Anyway, I think at their cores,
all these sororities are evil,

but that house is truly dangerous.

Excuse me, but I think you're
getting a little too close

to my new pledge,
Mr. Convicted Sex Offender.

Ms. Bean,

go organize the trash.

I'm sorry, wh-what is she talking about?

Gay Jimmy Olsen over here got a little

obsessed with me last year.

I still have the 15,000
text messages he sent me.

I had to get a restraining order.

I was a freshman and I had a crush, okay?

I tend to get a bit
passionate about things.

Look, you intentionally led me on.

You kept acting like
you liked me just so you could

- humiliate me.
- What was I supposed to do?

True Tori was over, I was bored.

Ms. Bean, let's hit it!

(shouting): Ms. Bean, I said let's hit it!

Grace, please don't do this.

I'll be fine.

It was nice to meet you, Pete.

Let's do this.

(knocking)

Enter, ye who dare.

We have some bad news.

We found something.

Number Two came up to ask Ms. Bean

if she had a bigger punch bowl,

and she noticed her bedroom door was open.

I love a creepy collage.

Okay, so you all want to be
Kappas, is that right?

Well, you're about to learn
what being a Kappa is all about.

It's about kicking
the living crap out of someone

when they disrespect you. Follow me!

Hey, White Mammy,

you're about to get your ass handed to you.

I was just in your room,
where I noticed you have

a sizeable shrine with
evil burning candles,

photos of me with my face scratched out

and pairs of my stolen panties.

Care to explain, chubby old Nazi?

Chanel, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Now I know why all your
food tastes like it's got

a little bit of pee in it.

You know, ladies, Ms. Bean and I

had arranged a little prank

where I was gonna dip her fat face

in some cold fry oil
to scare all you bitches.

Well, I propose a change of plans.

What do you think, Ms. Bean?

How about I just drown you in it?

(gasps)

(all screaming)

Oh, my God, who turned the fryer on?!

(hissing)

(all screaming)

She's dead.

Well, of course she's dead!
You just burned her face off!

Shut up. You don't die from
getting your face burned off.

Yes, you do!

She probably had a heart attack.

Oh, my God.

Where are you going?

To get the campus police.

There's a dead woman in your kitchen.

Oh! Ms. Bean was a servant;

She knew the risks.

I'm going to the authorities.

Fine, go.

I'll be sure to tell the police all about

how you shoved Ms. Bean in that fryolator.

What? You did that.

That's not how I saw it.
And my witnesses agree.

Pledges, show of hands.

Who will back up my story if I promise

that by the end of the year,
I'll get you all boyfriends...

cool boyfriends?

And I'll take you all on my dad's jet

to Cancun for spring break.

All of y'all ratchet.

You're an awful person.

Maybe. But I'm rich and I'm pretty,

so it doesn't really matter.

(grunting)

CHANEL: Sisters and pledges
of Kappa Kappa Tau,

you now all share something
so very precious to me.

A felony?

A secret.

And secrets are the glue

that binds sorority sisters together.

We will remember this night
for the rest of our lives.

And until the day we die,

we will know that we few
are the only people

who know what happened in that kitchen.

Because if any of you ever tell,

I will make sure you end up
laying right next to Ms. Bean

in this freezer.

Who wants cocktails?

WOMEN: Yay!

How did my life turn into this?

I marched for the Equal Rights Amendment,

I burned my bra
in the middle of this campus,

and then left school
to intern for Gloria Steinem

at Ms. Magazine.

This generation... (scoffs)

it couldn't give a rat's
ass about any of it.

Nothing's changed.

Have you seen the way girls
dress on this campus?

These sorority bitches

strutting around in basically
just their underwear,

screaming bloody murder
about being objectified,

as if they haven't objectified
themselves already.

And all that marching.

All the protests.

What did I get out of it?

I'm sitting in the same office
I used to throw bricks into.

I'm making less than the 26-year-old

assistant football coach
who bangs the same brand

of perky 19-year-olds my husband
left me for two years ago.

You're awful in bed. Are you aware?

I mean, just... the worst.

What? What... Did I not take you there?

Look what I've stooped to.

Getting sex by blackmailing
students on academic probation.

Look, I need to say something.

(sighs) I'm in love with you.

Of course you are.

Because that's the only way this situation

could get more depressing. Please leave.

I will, but I'm gonna
take a pair of your panties.

I'm gonna barf on your face
unless you get out of here.

And-and go take a psychology course.

Try to figure out who gave you
such disgusting mommy issues.

It was, you know, probably my mom.

Okay. Um, I'm gonna call you.

As I can't destroy every phone on Earth,

that'll remain a possibility.

(sighs)

What?

Done worse.

I have to tell you something.

You loaded a dead body into a freezer.

Based on the strain on your
faces as you carried her out,

- my money's on Ms. Bean.
- Um, wh-what?

- You loaded a dead body...
- Shh!

Um...

You-you were spying on us?

I'm an investigative reporter.

And that house is the story of a lifetime.

I agree. That's why I asked to meet you.

What are you proposing?

I want to help you with your expos?,

secretly feed you info.

You need eyes on the inside.

You do have really pretty eyes.

Focus on the case. Look, I think Chanel

accidentally killed her,
but now I'm not so sure.

Wait, so when you thought she murdered her,

- you helped her hide the body?
- Look, it's more complicated than that.

I joined that sorority
to feel close to my mom.

You know? I've heard the way
my dad talks about her...

kind, a fighter, big heart.

No way she belonged to Kappa
the way it is now.

Chanel and her type have destroyed it,

mutated it into the monster it is today.

But it can be the way it was.

I can change it back,
but I need to get Chanel

and her minions out of there to do it.

I need to expose Chanel
for who she really is.

And I want to use your story as

my weapon of reputation destruction.

I just want to honor my mom.

Deal.

Mm. One last thing.

What do we do now?

Examine the body.

(chuckles softly)

(clears throat)

(hinges creak)

We hid her in there.

- (door opening)
- CHAD: You shoved Ms. Bean's face

- in a vat of hot oil?
- CHANEL: Yes.

The fryer wasn't supposed to be on.

I don't know what to do with the body.

Oh, Chanel. That is so hot!

What?

CHAD: Hold up.

Are you saying dead bodies
don't turn you on?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

You are so lame, you know that?

God, I love all that death stuff.

I got my first boner watching
Faces of Death.

Show me the body.

- Seriously?
- Why did you bring me here, Chanel?

Show me the dead body.

Hmm.

What the hell? Is this some kind of joke?

Oh, my God, she's alive.

Ms. Bean's alive.

Yeah, or somebody stole the body.

Now I'm cold, I got blue balls.

The worst date ever.

CHANEL: Kappa sisters,
someone is screwing with us.

This blood oath will ensure
solidarity among us.

We are all related now.

Let's all touch bloody
fingers as I read this oath.

"Hail, Odin, wise warrior,
one-eyed wanderer,

tell the scenes your missing eyes see."

CHANEL 5: Wait, Odin who?

Where did you find that?

I don't know, the Internet.

I just Googled "blood oath"
and this is what came up.

(clears throat)

"Norse father,

you who chooses the slain
on this winter solstice..."

What? "Solstice"? Is that Wiccan?

What does this oath even mean?

I don't know, Number Three.

I didn't spend a lot of time on the Internet

looking through different blood oaths.

I just need you all to not say anything

about what happened,
and I figured a blood oath

was cheaper than buying you all presents.

Look, we're all just freaking out, okay?

Let's just rub our fingers together

and promise to keep quiet.

Fine.

Wait, what about STDs?

What if one of us has, like,

genital warts or... chlamydia or something?

Idiot, you don't get STDs from blood oaths.

You get STDs from dirty toilet seats

and drinking the water in Mexico.

(sighs) Um, "STD" stands for
"sexually transmitted disease,"

which means that it's transmitted sexually.

Does it look like the four of us
are about to have sex

right now, Number Five, huh?!

I have HPV.

What?

Yeah. I got it last summer.

It's not a big deal.

A lot of girls have it. I just think

I should sit out the
whole blood oath thing.

How did you get HPV?

When were you in Mexico?

I can't do this.

Oh, God, fine. You know what,
forget the blood oath.

Every time I try to plan something,

you dumb bitches ruin it.

I can't stay silent!

Somebody murdered Ms. Bean,
and someone's gonna find out,

and I want to be a network newscaster.

I'm calling my mom, and I'm going home.

(door slams)

(phone chimes)

(doorknob rattling)

(gasps)

(rattling continues)

(sighs)

(gasps)

(door creaks closed)

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

(phone giggles)

(gasps)

(phone chimes)

(gasps)

(phone giggles)

(gasps, screams)

(gasps)

(panting)

(phone giggles)

(grunting)

(typing)

(sniffling)

(gasping)

(gasps)

(exhales)

(screaming in distance)

(gasps)

Okay, okay, let's just all calm down.

Clearly Ms. Bean did this.

That seems like an insane conclusion

- to just jump to.
- She's back from the dead,

and she's getting revenge
by killing us one at a time.

(exhales)

Wait a minute.

This is great. This is amazing.

How is this amazing?

If Ms. Bean is still alive,
that proves I didn't kill her.

Now I won't be prosecuted for murder

and I can stay popular
and on my proper career track,

and Chad Radwell won't break up with me.

Okay, well, then there's no reason

we shouldn't call the police.

Are you kidding me, Number Three?

What are we gonna tell them,

that we burned Ms. Bean's face off,

thought she was dead,

hid the body, then it came back
to life and stabbed

Chanel #2 while we were all in the house?

They're never gonna believe that.

That's an insane story.

That is insane.

Until we can prove what happened,

we need to keep the body here.

We can't just leave her
here; she was our friend.

Meh.

(doorbell rings)

Ladies, that's the door.

Hell Week begins now.

Good evening, idiot hookers.

I'm very happy to welcome you to
Hell Week here at Kappa House.

Could you speak up, please?

I'm having trouble

hearing you.

I said, "Welcome to Hell Week!"

When you stupid dugongs

first waltzed through that door,

I could tell you thought
you were gonna have it easy.

Well, let me relieve you
of that misconception,

because you're about to get hazed

harder than a suburban banquet hall

during bat mitzvah season.

I am not gonna let you
haze any of these girls.

And I will litigate.

GRACE: There's going to be
a new Kappa House

- on this campus, and it starts with us.
- Hmm.

It's going to be a sorority
about empowerment,

sisterhood and respect.

That sounds terrible.

CHANEL: Okay, Pissy Spacek,

you and I have a few
differences we need to iron out.

What do you say to a little coffee klatch?

We can talk it over.

Number Five, you're in charge.

You got it, girl.

(whispers): Thank you.

I got you a pumpkin spice latte.

They're so my jam, even
though they make me obese.

We're not here to make nice.

You want to talk, let's talk.

Fine. I can't stand you.

But you also remind me of a young me.

So here's my compromise.

I want you to be one of my minions.

Grace, I want you to be Chanel 6.

Wow. Uh, quite an honor.

It is.

It's the gateway to the top of the heap.

No.

Look at where being Kappa
Queen has gotten you.

You put on a good front,
but you're miserable.

Don't you think any of that has
anything to do with the fact

that you've created an
atmosphere based solely

on negativity and raw ambition?

You say that like those are bad things.

(sighs)

Uh, wait.

Okay, you're the only person at this school

who is almost as smart as me.

Can we talk for real for a second, please?

I mean, you're so confident

without being mean.

What antidepressants are you on?

(sighs)

Chanel,

why are you so awful to everyone?

My boyfriend compulsively cheats on me.

All of my friends work for me.

My parents didn't even
call me on my birthday

because they were too busy

hosting a fundraiser for Jeb Bush.

Don't you see that all
that's happened isn't a crisis?

It's an opportunity,

for you and for Kappa to really change.

Think about how great it would be

to have a real sisterhood,

one that will always
remember your birthday.

Yeah, no, I tried. See, I really tried.

But all of this flowery,
peace-on-Earth crap,

it makes me want to puke.

You're pathetic.

(scoffs)

Yeah, walk away now!

You haven't even seen
half of what I'm capable of!

Once you're on my fatwa list,
I show no mercy!

(door closes)

Totally spit in your coffee, bitch.

(sighs)

The Sexy Gopher Whore Head Challenge

is one of Kappa House's
oldest hazing traditions.

You gals are gonna stay here overnight,

getting to know each other

and trying to keep the ants
from crawling up your noses,

while the Chanels and I

go get banana daiquiris
at the White Stallion.

Good night, ladies.

(gate creaks closed)

Guys, I can't move at all.

I think that's the point!

JENNIFER: I don't mean to be a contrarian,

- but I'm enjoying this.
- TIFFANY: You guys,

what do you think Taylor Swift
is doing right now?

(sighs)

(crickets chirping)

(owl hooting in distance)

(soft rattling)

What time is it? It's got to be,
like, 4:00 in the morning.

- (gate rattles)
- Did y'all hear that?

Did y'all hear that?!

What are you guys talking about?

(motor starts)

(whirring)

Is that killer noises
or am I hallucinating?

Chanel, is that you?

TIFFANY: I'm gonna ask one more time,

will you speak up?

(lawnmower whirring)

Is that a lawnmower?

What's happening?!

(screams)

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help me!

- Are you screaming?
- Help me!

- Or are you singing?
- Help me!

Help! This a nice neighborhood!

(women screaming)

Are you singing Taylor Swift?

(screaming continues)

Holy crap!

(screaming continues)

(screaming continues)

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