Original subtitles

[theme - "roseanne theme"]

[laughing]

[music playing]

God, Crystal, you mean he brings you breakfast in bed?

How was it?

No, I mean the breakfast.

Well, of course Ed's going to do something romantic.

I mean, it's Valentine's Day, for crying out loud.

Only the slimiest low life of a husband

would forget you on Valentine's Day.

And he just came in.

I got to go, bye.

I didn't forget it.

What did you get me?

A surprise.

To both of us, huh?

Here.

Well, at least my son remembered.

Happy Valentine's Day from your son.

Love Warren.

Warren?

The one I made was lousy.

Well I would have love it anyway, DJ, because you made it

with your own two little hands.

Is there gravy on this?

What'd you do, fish it out of the trash?

Was that wrong?

Keep going, Deej.

You're making the old man look good.

No, it's not too late if he asked you today, tomorrow even.

It doesn't matter, because he's

not going to ask me anyway.

- Morning. - Morning.

Who ain't going to ask you anyway what?

Can we just eat breakfast, please?

Well, come on, Darlene.

We're all gathered together.

This is the perfect time to get caught up.

Yes, mother, and there are three other people here

to get caught up on.

OK.

Dan, you going to work today?

Yup.

DJ, you got scouts?

Yes.

Becky, you still blonde?

Yeah.

So, Darlene, what's going on?

You know, it's just like you to get all gross about this.

I mean, how come you can't talk about me behind my back

like a normal mother?

OK.

Let's do it.

His name is Barry.

JACKIE: Hi, guys. - Oh!

Get in here, Jackie. Darlene's got a boyfriend.

You're kidding. Who?

This guy she met playing basketball.

He's a sophomore.

Oh, he's an older man.

Yeah.

She really, really, really wants him to ask

her to Valentine's Dance.

So I told Darlene to invite him over this afternoon

to help her out with her math.

I thought the vulnerable, helpless girl

approach would be better than that Larry Byrd thing she does.

Yeah.

This better not get out of control.

I don't want to catch them groping on the couch

like with that last guy.

This is completely different, Dan.

She didn't even like that last guy.

Oh, well then.

Becky, what should I wear?

I said the pink skirt.

It's too short.

She knows nothing.

I don't like this whole Darlene, pink skirt,

boy, too short thing.

Well, I don't like this whole husband,

stupid, forget Valentine thing.

I didn't forget.

OK, DJ.

Come on.

I'll drop you off at school.

Well.

Happy Valentine's Day anyhow, honey.

See I'm not mad.

So, Jackie, now that you're off the police force--

OK.

I forgot.

Help me out here.

What does she want?

Oh, Dan, I'm sure whatever you pick out would be--

Tell me!

- Lingerie. - No.

No.

Dan, she says you never buy her anything

that makes her feel sexy.

Hell, I bought her cable didn't I?

It's what she wants.

How about jewelry?

She loves jewelry.

She doesn't have any of her own, but she

admires it on other people.

You are just embarrassed, because you think you're going

to be the only man in the lingerie store,

and everybody's going to be staring at you,

and thinking you're some kind of a pervert.

You've been a great help.

Dan, come on.

A lot of guys do it.

It's romantic.

I don't know.

I mean, how am I even going to know if it fits?

Try it on.

[music playing]

Good brownies.

Yeah.

They have nuts in them.

They're good.

Yeah.

Nuts.

Oh, she looks constipated.

It's all those nuts.

She's fine.

She's just got to relax.

Much better.

Oh!

Sorry.

It's OK.

I'll just go get something to clean that up.

Mom, clean that up.

He hates me.

He does not.

He thinks I'm a dork.

Well, you gotta show him you're something special.

Oh, yeah, a special dork.

The head dork.

The dork queen.

Jeez, Darlene, I mean, try flirting a little.

You know, smile, laugh, lean in and listen, like what

he's saying is important.

Lean in and listen?

Yeah, like this.

You're making this up.

Look, Darlene, I'm only trying to help you out.

OK.

OK.

But he's gorgeous, isn't he?

He's cute.

Oh come on.

He's a god.

I mean this homework thing is kind of lame,

but he came over, so he must like me, right?

Well, why shouldn't you like you?

I mean, you're funny.

You're cute.

You're wearing my clothes.

Thanks.

There is one problem.

What?

Right now, he's out there with mom, alone.

I don't know, but I figure when your husband

forgets Valentines Day you've got a right to say something,

you know.

Oh sure, I don't want to go busting his chops or nothing,

but you know, I want a little romance.

Is that wrong?

Hi.

Hi.

What's that Lassie?

You say Timmy fell down a mine shaft?

Up on Big Rock Mountain?

And grandpa's already up there waiting.

I better get out there.

Good girl.

Your mom's nice.

OK.

This is my sister, Becky. - Hi.

Yeah.

I've seen in school.

Would you like another brownie, Barry?

No.

Maybe I should take off.

Hey, Barry, you got your license yet?

Uh-huh.

I got it a couple of weeks ago.

I'm waiting to get a car.

Ah.

ROSEANNE: What kind of car?

Yeah, what she said.

Well, my dream car is a red Corvette with a turbo charger,

but I'll probably wind up with my dead aunt's old Gremlin.

What is she doing?

Flirting?

Well God, I hope she doesn't hurt herself.

[harmonica music]

You know, so we're married 17 years,

and he totally forgets Valentine's Day.

I'd divorce him if I were you.

I'm not going to reward him.

So did Duke get you anything?

Oh, he's such a sweetheart.

You know, there were a lot of women in his life

before we met.

So for Valentine's Day he's going to have all their names

removed from his back.

I'd kill for a guy like that.

That's how I got him.

Excuse me.

Hello.

I'd like to speak with the manager, please.

He's not here.

He's never here.

Well, then maybe that's why they fired him and hired me.

Hi. Leon Karp.

I'm your new boss.

Which leads me to my first question,

why aren't you working?

Nobody's asking for anything.

Attitude.

We'll cover that later.

OK.

New rules.

You ready?

All right.

First, when your shift starts, you start.

If you're five minutes late, you're docked five minutes pay.

Wow.

That's almost $0.30.

Hey.

I got to go to the bathroom.

Here's a buck.

That's very funny.

Thank you.

Now to continue on, I've been hearing

that the customers like to come in here,

because they enjoy themselves.

That you're friendly, you chat.

We think it's our sexy uniforms.

Why do you think this restaurant is in the middle

of this department store?

It's because, when our customers are hungry,

we do not want them to leave.

And after they've eaten, we want to get

them right back out there.

So they can buy things.

Well, do you want to be mean?

Not, not mean.

Brusque.

That's going to cut down on our tips.

You're going to make it up in volume.

So you want us to work twice as hard for the same money?

That's great.

OK.

I got to go.

Are you enjoying that coffee?

Yes, I am.

That's wonderful.

Get her out of here.

[elevator ding]

Yeah, she is definitely cute.

Well, you were right there at her house,

why didn't you ask her?

Well, it was weird.

Like her whole family was there.

And her sister was hanging out with us.

Dance is tomorrow, bud.

I don't know.

I think she likes me.

But I'm not sure.

Oh God.

What?

That's her mother.

No, guys, don't.

Please. - Hey!

Hey, Mrs. Conner.

Hey, it's Bar.

Hey, so you guys know what you want?

Barry does.

But she's not on the menu.

I got to go.

Oh, where are you going?

Well, I can't stay here.

It's too embarrassing.

Oh, it is not.

Now I know you like my daughter, right?

OK. Yeah.

OK.

Now I'm a young, hip, happening kind of a mother here,

you know.

I totally dig this teen romance stuff.

So that's why I'm going to give you some advice, Barry.

Call her, dude.

It's more complicated than that.

I mean, Darlene--

It is not complicated.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Just promise me you'll have a small wedding,

and then you'll move away.

Hello.

This is Barry Parker.

Is this Darlene?

Just a second, Barry.

I'll get her.

Darlene!

Hurry!

It's him!

BOTH: It's him!

It's him!

It's him!

OK.

I just became the kind of girl I hate.

Now give me the phone.

Here she is, Barry.

What?

I said I wanted to talk to you, Becky.

Do you have a date for the Valentine's Dance?

Hey, Bonnie, I'm sleeping over your house tonight.

K?

[harmonica music]

Darlene, for the millionth time,

I was only down here with you guys for like one minute.

Exactly how did I steal him away?

Well hello there.

Y'all going to be driving some time soon?

Oh, Darlene.

I told you.

He's not even my type.

Oh what?

He's not good enough for you?

Well, let me tell you something.

He's 50 times better than the mutants that you go out with.

Darlene, you're not making any sense.

I don't have to make any sense.

I just have to remember to be a little

more careful with my boyfriends when

my sister's feeling feisty.

Mother.

What's going on?

Barry called and asked me out, instead of Darlene.

No.

Would you tell her I didn't do anything?

- Darlene, you know, it's not-- - Oh yeah.

Take her side, like you always do.

She's just your little Princess.

What are you talking about?

She never takes my side.

We're always arguing.

She makes my life miserable.

Am I right?

Well, I do what I can.

I don't care what she says.

You hated the idea that I could have a boyfriend.

You're nothing but a snake.

Oh, I don't have to take any of this.

Yeah, right.

Run away, Becky.

Like you always do.

You know, Darlene, this isn't Becky's fault.

Honey, this happens to all girls.

It really does, and I promise it'll get better.

Oh yeah, tomorrow's another day.

It's not the end of the world. There's lots of other boys.

Did I leave anything out?

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

That about covers it.

[music playing]

What do you think, pervert?

No, husband.

He's starting to buckle.

I got him.

Hi. - Hi.

- Can I help you? - No, thanks.

I'm, I'm just looking. - I see.

No. I'm not looking.

I didn't come in here to look.

I mean, I don't enjoy doing that kind of thing.

I mean, why don't you believe me?

Something for your wife.

Fine.

For Valentine's Day?

Thank you.

Oh that's so sweet.

Well, what do you think she would do like?

A Teddy?

A nightie?

How about a robe? - Robe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Big, long robe.

Do you want silk, lace, see through?

Could I have a glass of water?

Amy.

Good construction.

Here you go, sir.

Thank you.

Would you like to sit down?

Thank you.

There, there. Calm down.

It's OK.

Now I know you said a robe, but I think this is something

that she will really like.

And see how sheer it is?

Feel it. - No.

Oh come on, it won't bite.

No, really.

It's OK.

Come on.

I know you want to.

It's wonderful, but I got to--

Oh, excuse me.

Sir, are you all right?

No, I, I got to go.

Something to do with my car.

Arnie. - Dan.

Wow, listen man, my car broke down.

I came in here to use the phone.

How's Rosie doing?

Good.

Bye.

[music playing]

Hey, Becky, how's that book?

Incredibly boring.

You know, Becky, it's not your fault that that Barry

kid asked you out or anything.

I mean, you're very pretty, and you're a sophomore.

And you're comfortable around boys.

And you know, it's not his fault either.

And it certainly isn't Darlene's fault.

The book is better than this, mother.

Well, she really needs you now, Becky.

I'm not going to go up there.

She's just going to dump all over me.

I know that, and then she'll probably cry some more.

And it's bound to be an awful experience,

and I'm glad I won't be having it.

So why should I?

Because you're the big sister.

You know, you get to date first and drive first.

You get to do everything first.

And Darlene's going to be killing

herself her whole life just trying to catch up to you,

you know?

Just give her a break.

I mean, she needs somebody to unload on right now,

and this time I'm just not good enough.

This is very, very nice of me.

I want big points.

Well, I thought it was going to be a truly selfless act,

but then at the last minute she pulled it out.

Well, I was never trying to catch up to you though.

Oh, we, you wish you were me.

No. No.

Get out of here.

No. No.

No. - Yeah.

That was the burden of my entire life,

trying to hold myself back.

Oh!

So you wouldn't feel overshadowed

by my magnificence.

You're dreaming. No.

No.

Rosie, could I see you?

He got it.

- Oh. - Oh.

Yeah.

Guilt is a many splendored thing.

Coming, dearest.

Oh, you did get me something.

For my wife, on Valentine's Day.

Oh.

So nice.

I made it with my own two little hands.

Oh, Dan.

Well, Roseanne, I tried.

I went to the underwear store and everything.

But people were staring at me, leering.

I felt so cheap.

Dear Roseanne, though this gift is not what you desired,

the sentiment is clear.

If you need proof I love you still, hell, Rosie,

I'm still here.

Love, Warren.

Oh, Dan, I know you really do love me you old goat.

I'm going to go try this on.

[harmonica music]

Hey.

Oh, hey.

So, how was the dance?

It was OK.

You can tell me.

I'm not going to like break down or anything.

It was really nice.

Anybody there I might know?

Barry showed up with Angela Deets

She looks just like you.

That's so gross.

Thanks.

Well, you know what I mean.

So did he like spend the whole night gazing at you?

Sort of.

Did he ask you to dance?

Uh-huh.

So?

So I thought what would Darlene want me to do?

So you punched him in the neck?

No.

I just told him to get lost.

But then I told Angela Deets that she was his second choice.

So what did she do?

Well, let's just say old Bar won't be dancing for a while.

Cool.

[theme - "roseanne theme"]

[laughing]

[snorting]

You, you.

I can't look at you.

DARLENE: I can't look at you either.

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