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1
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[theme music]
2
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[laughter]
3
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No, I ordered
chicken, not salmon.
4
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:01,962
Who the hell eats salmon
at a wedding, anyway?
5
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,299
Well, I'll tell who.
Not us, that's who.
6
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,067
Now I got 60 people coming.
7
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Whoa!
8
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65.
9
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My cousin Trudy and her
family can come after all.
10
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OK.
11
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So it's chicken for 65 people.
12
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Well, it's no big deal.
13
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You just add another Bucket
14
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Roseanne, thank
you for handling
15
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these wedding preparations.
16
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I told you a thousand
times, Crystal.
17
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I'm happy to do it.
18
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Where were we?
19
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,529
What is going on?
20
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Grandpa wanted to
race us from the car.
21
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Yeah.
22
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,733
He bet us each a buck
that he could win.
23
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Well, are we just going
to let him lie there?
24
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Oh!
Oh my god!
25
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Ed!
26
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,378
Are you OK?
27
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,379
Yeah.
28
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,482
It's nothing a
plastic hip won't fix.
29
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,550
Now Ed, you ought to be
saving some of that energy
30
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:57,885
for your honeymoon.
31
00:01:57,985 --> 00:02:01,722
Oh, that's good advice, honey.
32
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:02,923
Hey, hey, mom.
33
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:04,225
Check out all the cool
stuff that Grandpa got us.
34
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,793
Yeah, look.
I got a bracelet.
35
00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:06,694
And look at this.
36
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,928
Yeah, that's a chemistry set.
37
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,430
Every boy should have one.
38
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,898
Oh, you shouldn't
have done that, Ed.
39
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,301
We could just turn on the
gas and blow ourselves up.
40
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- It's perfectly harmless.
- We'll see.
41
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,742
Lonnie, why don't you
show them what I got you?
42
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:22,643
Oh.
43
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A Walkman.
44
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,112
That's wonderful, honey.
45
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You've been wanting one of
those for the longest time.
46
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:27,715
Yeah.
47
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,016
Now I have one.
48
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I tried to get him
one of those little TVs,
49
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:31,985
but he wouldn't take it.
50
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:32,886
Yeah, Lonnie.
51
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:33,821
You got to get into this.
52
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,055
Right.
53
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You've got a guy here trying
to buy your affections.
54
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,158
Let him.
55
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,729
Aren't they just the
sweetest little things?
56
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,332
Well, now listen.
57
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:47,568
I admit that I'm kind of a softy
when it comes to grandkids.
58
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,303
But Lonnie is
going to be my son.
59
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:50,704
And you've got to be
tough with your boys,
60
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,607
ain't that right, Lonnie roo?
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00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:54,675
So.
62
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:58,246
You girls Pick up your
bridesmaids gowns?
63
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,748
Yeah, we got them yesterday.
64
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,716
You know, we're really
honored you asked us.
65
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:05,519
But we'd understand
if you'd rather
66
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,688
honor your adult friends.
67
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,423
Well, don't be silly.
68
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,058
Why would you
think such a thing?
69
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,426
Because those
gowns are so dorky
70
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,527
they make us want to retch.
71
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,268
They're very nice.
72
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:21,969
They're just not us.
73
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,437
Yeah.
74
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,173
They're more for people
who get an allowance.
75
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:29,977
Hey Bec, let's
go try those on.
76
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:30,878
Yeah.
77
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,450
Women Huh?
78
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,118
Aye, oh.
79
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,853
Ha, ha.
80
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,690
I bet you got a lot of
questions about women.
81
00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:43,591
I guess.
82
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:44,892
Can we go now, Mom?
83
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:46,727
Well, now honey,
Roseanne and I aren't
84
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down with the seating plan.
85
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:48,829
Oh, that's fine, Crystal.
86
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:49,997
I can finish it.
87
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,599
But you don't know
half the people.
88
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:52,800
Well, that will
make it go faster.
89
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:56,670
Please?
90
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,971
Take the boy home, Crissie.
91
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,307
I mean, you can do
that stuff later.
92
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,442
Well, if you both think so.
93
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:02,510
You see there, Lonnie?
94
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:03,777
I'm in there pitching for you.
95
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:04,778
Right.
Thanks.
96
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:05,679
Bye.
97
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:09,717
He'll be all right.
98
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,352
I'll see you both later.
99
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:15,589
[smooch]
100
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,924
Lonnie's a great kid.
101
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,192
We're going to have a wonderful
relationship as soon as we
102
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get over this little hurdle.
103
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,362
What?
104
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,864
The one where he thinks
you're the beast from hell?
105
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:24,765
-
106
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:25,833
That's the one.
107
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,034
Oh, he'll come around, Ed.
108
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,235
Sure he will.
109
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:30,338
I mean, he and Crissi been
alone for a long time.
110
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:32,072
And now there's this new guy.
111
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:33,474
I just gotta try harder.
112
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:34,442
That's all.
113
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,544
Well, I don't think
that's possible.
114
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,478
Want some coffee?
115
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,379
No, thanks.
116
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,847
I got to pick up my tux.
117
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:40,814
Hey, Danny boy!
118
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,883
Hey.
119
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:43,851
Don't worry about it Ed.
120
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,653
He's not talking to me either.
121
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,721
Why does he hate me so much?
122
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:48,889
I wasn't such a bad father.
123
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,224
Put a roof over his head,
kept his belly full.
124
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Way full.
125
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:57,197
Between him and Lonnie, I
feel like I've got two boys who
126
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,966
won't give me the time of day.
127
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:02,503
Well, maybe you'd do
better with daughters, Ed.
128
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:05,839
I got a couple of them I'll
let you have for a nice price.
129
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:06,774
What you asking?
130
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:07,675
Oh, cool!
131
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:10,711
I thought I had to pay you.
132
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,012
Where you going?
133
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,381
Your car's out in the front.
134
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:15,248
Uh, just-- you
know, walk around.
135
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,217
It's cold out there.
136
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,586
Even colder in there.
137
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:31,298
Good morning, star shine.
138
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:35,268
Don't you think you should
like, lighten up, Dan?
139
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,705
You betrayed me, Roseanne.
140
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:40,107
Now don't you think
that's just a tad harsh?
141
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:43,343
I mean, you know, I'm ordering
cocktail weenies for 60.
142
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:46,079
I'm not turning you
over to the Nazis.
143
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,548
You know I'm opposed
to this wedding.
144
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:49,717
Yes, you've made
that quite clear.
145
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:51,619
And you're ordering the
food, the flowers, and the band
146
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:52,986
like what I say means nothing.
147
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,390
And the wedding's going to
go, Dan, no matter who plans it.
148
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,891
And Crystal's my best friend.
149
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,560
I'm your husband, Roseanne.
150
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:00,728
I outrank her.
151
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,763
You're supposed to back me up.
152
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:06,299
Remember, richer or poorer, in
sickness, health, death part?
153
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,071
Well, I never took
any vow to back you up
154
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:12,906
when you're acting stupid.
155
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,341
It's not stupid.
156
00:06:14,442 --> 00:06:16,410
This wedding is a
joke, and you know it.
157
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,812
No, I do not know that.
158
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,081
Crystal's happy, and
your dad is happy.
159
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,950
And that's what
weddings are about.
160
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,052
Fine Have a good time.
161
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,019
You've got to go, Dan.
162
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,320
You're the best man.
163
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:30,057
Besides, your whole family
is going to be there.
164
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:33,494
Your Aunt Mildred is going to
get up and dance with the band.
165
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,796
And Uncle Pete's going to
pull a quarter out of his nose
166
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,898
like he always does.
167
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,934
You're not leaving me
alone with those people.
168
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:41,835
Forget it.
169
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,403
You're on your own.
170
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,337
There's going to be cake.
171
00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,846
[music playing]
172
00:06:57,350 --> 00:07:00,654
[exclamations]
173
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,623
You slut.
174
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,458
Oh, I could never wear this.
175
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:05,726
What'll Ed think?
176
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,528
Well, there won't
be enough blood left
177
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,796
in his brain to think anything.
178
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,036
He's a pig.
179
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,438
All men are pigs.
180
00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,974
Jackie, you're just
saying that because you
181
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:22,476
don't have a date for
the wedding tomorrow,
182
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,945
and everyone else does.
183
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,881
What's your point, Crystal?
184
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:31,218
Simply that you don't
have to be so bitter.
185
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,185
I'm not bitter.
186
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,086
Oh, no.
187
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:34,421
Of course not.
188
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:36,590
Now if you'll excuse me, I
have to use the ladies' room.
189
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,159
Gee, that's like the
eighth time, Crystal.
190
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,261
We oughta move the whole
shindig in the john.
191
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,997
No, Roseanne.
192
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:48,135
I am not bitter.
193
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:49,102
Give it a rest, Jackie.
194
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,470
I'm not.
195
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:53,106
I am looking forward to spending
time with Becky and Darlene
196
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,007
tomorrow.
197
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:55,576
[doorbell]
198
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:56,877
Becky and Darlene have dates.
199
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,649
Darlene?
200
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:04,317
Darlene has a date?
201
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,620
Now I'm bitter.
202
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:07,521
Annemarie!
203
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:08,455
Hey!
204
00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:09,356
You made it!
205
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:10,624
Are you kidding?
206
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,593
You know your parties were
legends when we were kids.
207
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,562
Well, I got more
boring friends now.
208
00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:16,664
So don't keep your hopes up.
209
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:17,631
Annemarie!
210
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:18,532
Hey!
211
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:19,933
Crystal!
212
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:20,834
Congratulations!
213
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,269
Oh, thank you!
214
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,838
You know, I'm so glad
Roseanne ran into you.
215
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:25,939
How has it been?
216
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,240
I haven't seen you
since high school.
217
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,609
What you been up to?
218
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:31,712
Well, after graduation,
there was this party
219
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,981
at Sarah Foster's house
where I met Rusty,
220
00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,849
who was to be my
first husband, but not
221
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,651
until July of that year.
222
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,286
But by August, the
spark had flickered.
223
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,287
Uh huh.
224
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:42,022
So we split up.
And I married Travis.
225
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:45,158
Oh, and well, that Travis, he
was a whole other can of worms.
226
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,426
He was an arc welder.
227
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,797
And when we divorced he actually
cut the trailer in half.
228
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:51,231
But you know, we remain friends.
229
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,265
Do something.
230
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,466
And I never thought
love would come--
231
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,835
Oh, I know what let's do!
232
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,236
I know what let's do.
233
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,838
Let's play Who
Knows Crystal Best.
234
00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:58,739
Oh.
235
00:08:58,839 --> 00:08:59,640
OK.
236
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,008
I'll say the first question.
237
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,075
OK.
238
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:03,410
Um-- all right.
239
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:06,980
What was Crystal's
nickname in high school?
240
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:07,948
Oh, too easy.
241
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:08,849
Right.
242
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:09,750
That was it.
243
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,525
That's not true.
244
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:19,492
I got one.
245
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:20,527
I know.
246
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:21,895
I got one.
247
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:25,398
What was playing on Gilbert
Coswell's car radio the night
248
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:28,769
Crystal did it for
the first time?
249
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,670
Jackie!
250
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:30,904
Jackie!
251
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,973
That was told to you in the
strictest of confidence!
252
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,041
Hey!
253
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,676
You got a man in your
life, and I don't.
254
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:38,178
So throw me a bone.
255
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,079
OK.
256
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,148
Any guesses?
257
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,583
You don't mean that
Rusty wasn't her first?
258
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,451
[squeals]
259
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:45,352
Yes, he was!
260
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:46,687
Yes, he was!
261
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,622
This game isn't fun anymore.
262
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,223
OK.
Was it
263
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,224
Stairway to Heaven"?
264
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,259
No.
265
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,994
How about "Crystal
Blue Persuasion"?
266
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,028
No, no, no.
267
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:56,697
How about "My Sweet Lord"?
268
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,066
Well, that wasn't
coming from the car radio.
269
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,571
I know what it was!
270
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:05,472
[shrieks]
271
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,473
Roseanne, don't you dare!
272
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:07,540
Don't you dare!
273
00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:10,644
[singing] My baby
does the hanky panky.
274
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,347
[in unison] My baby
does the hanky panky.
275
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,317
My baby does the hanky panky!
276
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:18,385
OK!
277
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:19,720
Thank you!
278
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,755
Thank you for sharing my secrets
with the whole wide world,
279
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:26,093
Roseanne and Jackie
blabbermouth!
280
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,560
Uh oh.
281
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:29,797
Well, I'll be back.
282
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,832
We're just killing time till
the stripper gets here, right?
283
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,771
Oh, Crystal.
284
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,172
We were just kidding around.
285
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,073
We're sorry.
286
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,508
Yeah, We're sorry.
287
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:42,710
OK?
- OK.
288
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:43,610
All right.
289
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,978
Now let's go back in there.
290
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:48,148
Ah, just a moment.
291
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:49,482
What's the matter, Crystal?
292
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,019
I'm just not in the mood
for a party right now.
293
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,687
Something wrong?
294
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:55,889
I'd rather not say.
295
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,057
Oh, come on, Crysta.
296
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,325
You can trust us.
297
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,698
With the big stuff.
298
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,600
Well, I suppose I
have to tell someone.
299
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:10,771
Roseanne, Jackie, I'm pregnant.
300
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,640
[spitting]
301
00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:16,543
[choking]
302
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:21,448
Are you sure
you're not just late?
303
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:22,950
No, I don't think so.
304
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:24,051
I got all the signs.
305
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,686
I been nauseous and
been eating like crazy.
306
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,856
And well, my doctor
said I'm pregnant.
307
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:36,730
Well, so are we happy or sad?
308
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:37,664
Well, happy!
309
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:38,565
Oh!
310
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:39,532
I think it's great!
311
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,468
We're happy for you, Crystal!
312
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:42,369
Geez.
313
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:45,138
Oh wow.
314
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,173
Does Ed know?
315
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:47,074
Of course.
316
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,241
Oh, what do you want?
317
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:49,442
A boy or a girl?
318
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,079
Well, I've always dreamed
of having a little girl.
319
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:53,747
What if it's a boy?
320
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:56,116
Simple operation.
321
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,484
Oh, Roseanne.
322
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,955
I can't find my bowling ball.
323
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:02,856
Do you know where it is?
324
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:10,197
Yes, it's in the bedroom
closet where it always is.
325
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,869
Oh Roseanne.
I'm so sorry.
326
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,037
You two are hardly talking.
327
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,471
And it's all my fault.
328
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,242
Yeah, that's pretty
much the way I see it too.
329
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,812
Well, maybe if I tell
him about the baby,
330
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:27,380
he won't be so upset
about the wedding.
331
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:28,515
I don't think so.
332
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,050
Well, well, maybe it'll help.
333
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,751
Hey, Dan--
- No, I don't think you--
334
00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:32,552
Dan, wait.
Listen.
335
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:33,686
--should do this, Crystal.
336
00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:36,123
Your father and
I, we've been--
337
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:39,359
well, we were going to tell--
338
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:40,227
She's pregnant.
339
00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,339
I told you not to tell him.
340
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,820
[knocking]
341
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,857
Door's open.
342
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:10,757
Danny Boy.
343
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:13,126
Come on in.
344
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:16,596
Just throwing myself a
little bachelor party here.
345
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,065
Usually the best
man makes the party.
346
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,667
But you know, you do
with what you got.
347
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,669
[music on tv]
348
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,371
What are you doing?
349
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,406
What's You look like?
350
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,308
I'm nursing this beer.
351
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:30,343
And I'm watching a
dirty movie through all
352
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:31,578
those little squiggly lines.
353
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:36,749
Why don't you just
pay the 4 bucks, Dad?
354
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,852
They'll unscramble it for you.
355
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,787
Then they'll know I'm in
here watching a dirty movie.
356
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:44,858
Grab yourself a beer.
357
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,259
You're going to need it.
358
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:47,760
In about two
minutes you're going
359
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:48,728
to have a hell of a headache.
360
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,167
So.
361
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,069
To what do I owe
this great honor?
362
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,241
Dad, I know
Crystal's pregnant.
363
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,076
Oh.
364
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,146
[chuckle] She wasn't
supposed to tell
365
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,380
anybody till after the wedding.
366
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,848
Is that why you're
doing this, because you
367
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:11,318
think you have to get married?
368
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,486
No.
369
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,387
Oh, that's gross.
370
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,359
Danny, you're right.
371
00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:22,329
I have to get married
because Crystal
372
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:25,865
is the best thing that's
happened to me in a long time.
373
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,634
What about the baby?
374
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:28,535
He's fine with this.
375
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,873
You're making a mistake, Dad.
376
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,208
What am I supposed to do?
377
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:36,743
Cancel this wedding?
378
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:39,446
Let Crystal raise a
kid all by herself?
379
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,680
No.
380
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:41,581
What are you telling me?
381
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,418
Maybe you should wait.
382
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:47,587
Wait for what?
383
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,389
You've got no
business raising a kid.
384
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,290
Why?
385
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,926
You know Damn well why!
386
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:55,028
I don't want to
watch it again, Dad.
387
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,129
You're going to be on the road.
388
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:59,466
The kid's going to grow
up just like I did--
389
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,268
without a father.
390
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,536
And I'm going to see
Crystal suffer just Mom did.
391
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:04,271
OK.
I got it.
392
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:05,272
I got it.
I got it.
393
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,406
It's not about
Crystal and our baby.
394
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:08,575
It's about you and me.
395
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,277
How I screwed up your life.
396
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:12,079
I mean, just look at you.
You've got a nice family.
397
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:12,980
You've got a good marriage.
398
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,081
You own your own business.
399
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,915
I mean, how can you
ever forgive me, Dan?
400
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,717
Tell me one damn thing
that you ever did for me that
401
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:18,851
took time instead of money.
402
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:19,752
So fine!
403
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,755
I am a rotten father!
404
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,657
I am a rotten father!
405
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,227
OK.
406
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,362
Dan, I'm tired of this!
407
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:30,497
OK.
408
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:33,333
I made mistakes with you
and with your mother.
409
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,169
But I got a second chance now.
410
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,538
I thought that you
would want to help.
411
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,607
But you don't.
412
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,443
So Crystal and I will just
do it all by ourselves.
413
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:44,811
And something else!
414
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,347
I'm no going to apologize to
you anymore because you're never
415
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,682
going to let me off the hook!
416
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:54,887
Now if you don't mind, you're
bringing my party down.
417
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:05,265
[music playing]
418
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:19,646
[organ music]
419
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,967
Can't believe we
have to wear this crud.
420
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:41,868
Jeez, Darlene.
421
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,036
It's only a couple hours.
422
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,304
You'll live through it.
423
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,538
Yeah.
424
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,375
But we can't duck the
photographer the whole time.
425
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:49,409
There's a photographer?
426
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,581
Hold on, DJ.
427
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:55,648
It's not a race.
428
00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,573
Nice tux.
429
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:21,474
Ready?
430
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:35,988
Nice tux.
431
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:37,190
Yeah.
432
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:38,591
I been getting a lot of
compliments on it lately.
433
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:45,532
[wedding march music]
434
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,782
I feel so bloated.
435
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:11,324
Who could have foreseen
decades ago when a younger Ed
436
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:14,561
met a 12-year-old
Crystal that years later,
437
00:18:14,661 --> 00:18:16,129
they would be
standing here ready
438
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,699
to enter into holy matrimony?
439
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:22,669
You didn't foresee that, right?
440
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:23,603
Good.
441
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,139
Then let's proceed.
442
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,907
What is marriage?
443
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:30,009
Fast forward.
444
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,479
Do we have to watch
this sappy garbage?
445
00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:36,616
I thought it was a
beautiful ceremony.
446
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,218
Well, can we please
just get to the good part?
447
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,193
- Oh!
- Whoa!
448
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:47,093
That's no good!
449
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:53,500
You probably think you're better
than me cause you're married.
450
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:54,901
Well, you're not
going to be married--
451
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:55,902
Go forward!
452
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,870
[interposing voices]
453
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:03,142
There's far more to
life than being married.
454
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:09,716
Marriage is one more way
for men to enslave women.
455
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:12,051
So get out of the cave, Crystal.
456
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,052
This is the 20th--
457
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:13,953
what!
458
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,925
Oh, OK.
459
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,861
You gotta throw the bouquet now!
460
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:22,862
Come on!
Wait up!
461
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:23,763
Wait!
462
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,167
Oh.
463
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,903
Congratulations,
Daddy and Mommy.
464
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,072
I hope you two are as happy
together as Roseanne and me.
465
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,508
Oh, now say something nice.
466
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:36,543
OK.
467
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:38,144
I'm real happy about
my little brother.
468
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,213
And he can use any
of my old toys except
469
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,115
for my Lincoln Logs and
my Jerry Mahoney dummy.
470
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,251
But really-- um--
471
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:47,920
I'll be there for you, Dad.
472
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:48,888
I'll always be there for you.
473
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,490
We're cutting the cake!
474
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:55,395
2, 3.
475
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:58,064
[in unison] Congratulations,
Crystal and Grandpa.
476
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:02,235
- Grandpa and Crystal.
- We love you guys.
477
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:10,710
Well, first I'd like to say
congratulations, you guys.
478
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:14,146
And Crystal, you're
part of our family now.
479
00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,683
In fact, you're like
my mother-in-law, so--
480
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:20,487
which is weird, but so, you got
to call before you come over
481
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,788
so I can clean up and stuff.
482
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,791
And don't come over that often.
483
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:27,026
But seriously though.
484
00:20:27,126 --> 00:20:28,728
I'm really happy for you guys.
485
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:33,132
And I'm happy for you.
486
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,934
Congratulations.
487
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:37,970
OK, cut.
488
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,138
That's good.
489
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,139
That's good.
490
00:20:45,211 --> 00:20:47,013
I don't have
anything else to say.
491
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,256
Cut!
492
00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:00,693
[white noise]
493
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,468
Congratulations.
494
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:09,369
OK.
495
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:12,872
I said it.
496
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:13,906
Anyways.
497
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,376
Uh, congratulations,
Crystal and Fred.
498
00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:17,276
What?
499
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:18,845
No, his name's Fred.
500
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,347
It's Fred.
501
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,649
Are you sure?
502
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:23,550
Anyways.
503
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,353
Congratulations, Crystal and Ed.
504
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:28,821
Embarrassed.
505
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:32,291
Crystal, this is
dedicated to you.
506
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:33,493
Here it comes.
507
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:37,229
[singing in unison] My
baby does the hanky panky.
508
00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:41,200
My baby does the hanky panky.
509
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:45,171
My baby does the hanky panky.
510
00:21:45,271 --> 00:21:49,141
[gasp]
511
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,978
Are we just going
to let her lie there?
512
00:21:52,028 --> 00:21:56,578
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