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1
00:00:00,534 --> 00:00:01,769
[music playing]
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:06,274
[theme music]
3
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,977
[laughing]
4
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,480
[music playing]
5
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,395
Gah!
6
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:35,863
Dad, you slept late.
7
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,097
Yeah.
8
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,899
Well it's Saturday morning.
9
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,468
Two for two.
10
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,035
You forgot what you
were going to do today?
11
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:43,771
No way.
12
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,339
I'm going to eat
a big breakfast,
13
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,342
grab that sports page, and
hide in the john until lunch.
14
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:52,546
You did forget,
I can't believe it.
15
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,447
Little help.
16
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:55,316
[mimics car engine noises]
17
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,717
[mimics crashing]
18
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,119
[mimics sirens]
19
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:01,655
Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.
20
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:02,890
Well, let's go.
21
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:04,057
Becky, we've got all day.
22
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,659
Dad, that's what
you said last week.
23
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,027
But all I did the
whole day was hope
24
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,197
you wash your car because,
(WITH A DEEP VOICE)
25
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:12,766
a clean car is an aerodynamic
26
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,368
[laughing] I guess
there's no way you're going
27
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,604
to fall for that again, huh?
28
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:18,872
Dad, I think I'm ready
for that next step.
29
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,108
Which would you be
turning innocent pedestrians
30
00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,910
into street pizza.
31
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,879
Shut up, Darlene.
32
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:26,914
Dad, come on.
33
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,816
Becky, it's Saturday.
34
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:29,917
It's the one day
of the week when
35
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:33,053
we can all spend time together.
36
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,323
Boy, it's just a
beautiful morning today.
37
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,990
It just makes me want to sing.
38
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,836
Why don't you guys
get out of here?
39
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,037
Come on, go.
40
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,305
I have to stay here
because I'm going to clean.
41
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,240
But you can get out.
42
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:53,374
It's beautiful, go.
43
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,742
Unless you want to
stay here and help me.
44
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,645
Can't, promised
Becky driving lessons.
45
00:02:57,745 --> 00:02:58,879
Well, all right.
46
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,180
Can I get your car keys?
47
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:01,081
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:01,982
Here they are.
49
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,317
Now get out of here.
50
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,619
What, no jokes about how
bad a driver I'm going to be?
51
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:07,455
Didn't darling
take care of that?
52
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:08,956
Yeah, I crushed her.
53
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,491
All right, there you go.
54
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:12,260
So what's keeping you?
55
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,928
Oh, and Dan, you better take
DJ here to his den meeting.
56
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,597
I don't have a den meeting?
57
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,467
Then how come you're
wearing your uniform, stupid?
58
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,069
I slept in it, stupid.
59
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:25,138
Ah, I remember my days
as a scout, especially
60
00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:27,040
the wilderness training.
61
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:29,477
We couldn't find any wilderness,
so the scout master dropped us
62
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:30,744
off in downtown Chicago.
63
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:34,448
And we had to try to make
it back here on our own.
64
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:35,949
I was one of the lucky ones.
65
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:36,884
Dan.
66
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,352
Scout's honor.
67
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:39,853
Becky's waiting for
a driving lesson, here.
68
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:40,988
Yeah, Dad.
Can we go?
69
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:41,955
All right.
70
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:42,823
Can I get something
to eat first?
71
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,292
No, take it you, Dan.
Come on.
72
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,192
Am I talking English?
73
00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:46,294
Everybody get out of here.
74
00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:47,495
Take Darlene with you.
75
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,229
Well gee, Mom, I thought
I'd hang around so I can
76
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,398
be here when you get the call.
77
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:51,632
- What call?
- Oh, you know.
78
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,701
The one from the Highway
Patrol telling you they've
79
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:57,104
found your husband and
most of your daughter.
80
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,972
What is it going
to take to get you
81
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,274
guys to get out of the house?
82
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,142
Hi, everybody.
83
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,446
Roseanne, I thought this was
going to be your morning alone.
84
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,647
Well, it was supposed to be.
85
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,882
But they just won't go away.
86
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:11,852
They're like something stuck
to the bottom of your shoe.
87
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,287
Like gum?
88
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,323
No, not like gum.
89
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,794
It's like being
a spy or something.
90
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:21,695
Yeah.
91
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,498
Yeah, yeah.
92
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,499
Is that it?
93
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,767
Yep.
94
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:30,170
It's the most accurate
pregnancy test on the market.
95
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,305
All right, well let's go?
96
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:32,340
All right, relax will you.
97
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,407
What's the matter?
98
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,510
I mean aside from
being nine days late.
99
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,879
Well, you told me to save my
first morning's urine, right?
100
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,280
I've been saving
it for seven hours.
101
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:44,718
Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
102
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,554
No, he thinks I'm
right on schedule.
103
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,589
How'd you manage that?
104
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:49,590
I faked PMS.
105
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:56,196
I even added an extra
day for the heck of it.
106
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,065
Hey.
107
00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,232
I told Crystal, thought.
108
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,634
You know I had to.
109
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,235
You know how she keeps track of
everybody's time of the month
110
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,236
so she can send a card.
111
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,705
Yeah.
112
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:05,606
So let's go.
113
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,140
All right, what
do we got here?
114
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:11,278
Directions, test kit.
115
00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:12,946
What is this for?
116
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,748
That holds the urine.
117
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,487
No, no, no.
118
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:23,391
You do it in the lid first,
and then you use that dropper.
119
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:24,324
Well then give me the lid.
120
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,159
No, I gotta wash it out first.
121
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:28,462
[running water]
122
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,366
Oh, hey.
123
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:33,401
I got coupons.
124
00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,435
You gonna use these?
125
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,272
All right, so [inaudible].
126
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:40,741
It's clean, it's
clean, it's clean.
127
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,209
[knock on the door]
128
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:43,411
Hi.
129
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:44,745
Come on in, hurry up.
130
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,046
Are they all still out there?
131
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,148
Well yeah, but I didn't
tell them anything.
132
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,983
I just said hi and
headed straight in here.
133
00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,251
I bet they think
we're in here doing
134
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,654
some weird shaving ritual.
135
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,789
I don't know why you
just don't tell Dan.
136
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,924
Because there's
nothing to tell.
137
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,559
And I mean, if it does
come out positive,
138
00:05:58,659 --> 00:05:59,760
I got to think of
some way to tell
139
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,629
him so his head don't explode.
140
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:03,964
Well how'd you tell him
about your other kids?
141
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,701
Well, with Becky I
said, Dan get a job.
142
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:10,871
With Darlene I said,
Dan get a better job.
143
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,540
And DJ?
144
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,275
Oh, do I have to
tell him about DJ?
145
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,280
Come on, Roseanne.
146
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,016
You got to be a little excited
about maybe being pregnant.
147
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,084
Yeah.
148
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,554
I can hardly wait
to start puking.
149
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:29,457
Come on, you guys or my
water's going to break here.
150
00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:31,792
[knocking on the door]
151
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:35,128
DAN: Roseanne, what the
hell's going on in there?
152
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,964
We're worshipping
Satan, honey.
153
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,366
We'll be right out.
154
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:40,333
DAN: Come on, Roseanne.
155
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,906
All right, come on in.
156
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,942
The kids don't
need to hear this.
157
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,278
Ah.
158
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,680
Ah.
159
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:53,947
I get it.
160
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:54,848
Dan.
161
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:57,017
Roseanne, it's OK.
162
00:06:57,117 --> 00:07:00,187
What a person does with her
life is her own business.
163
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,288
So what happened, Jackie?
164
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,456
Did you get drunk and
forget that there's
165
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,992
like a zillion kinds of
birth control out there?
166
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,228
[laughing]
167
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,097
Does Gary know?
168
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:10,998
No, Dan.
169
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:11,899
He doesn't.
170
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,368
Gary is a father, right?
171
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:16,470
If you say so.
172
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,710
Word of advice from a man, OK?
173
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,613
Don't say a word
until you do the test.
174
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,415
You don't want to upset the
guy if you don't have to.
175
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,984
You know, I was just saying
that, like, very same thing.
176
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,754
You know, I was saying that
if it does come up positive,
177
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,455
the best way to do
it is just short,
178
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,357
sweet, and right to the point.
179
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,829
You know, kind of
like, I'm pregnant Dan.
180
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:42,730
Gary.
181
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:43,797
Dan.
182
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,198
- Gary.
- Dan.
183
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,099
Gary!
184
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,205
Do we have to have this little
moment in front of everybody?
185
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,941
No, we can get out of here.
186
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:54,842
Thank you.
187
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,347
How late?
188
00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:01,582
Nine days.
189
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,651
When did this happen?
190
00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:06,419
What we were having sex.
191
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,622
But we're always careful.
192
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,824
Whoops.
193
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,560
Come on, honey, go.
I gotta do this now.
194
00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:13,426
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
195
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:14,695
Can I--
196
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:22,402
So, you guys
did it again, huh?
197
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,436
Did what?
198
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:24,938
They were listening
at the door, Dan.
199
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,339
Great.
200
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,275
Like it's not bad enough that
we've got this little accident
201
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,743
running around.
202
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,378
Who's an accident?
203
00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:32,913
How can somebody be an accident?
204
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,648
Oh great, ask me.
205
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:35,816
Thanks Darlene.
206
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,551
I'm stressed out, OK.
207
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,819
Well just once
maybe you could think
208
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,453
before you open your big mouth.
209
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:41,421
ROSEANNE: Would you be quiet?
210
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,023
I'm trying to go.
211
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,491
[shushing]
212
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:47,728
Shut up.
213
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:51,765
ROSEANNE: Well, make some noise.
214
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,000
I can't believe you, Darlene.
215
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:53,934
You are so insensitive.
216
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:54,835
Yeah?
217
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,069
Well you got a big butt.
218
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,906
Cut it out.
219
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,574
No need for any
of this right now.
220
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:01,909
Your father's right.
221
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,544
And we don't want to upset
your mother in her condition.
222
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:05,512
So it's true?
223
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:06,446
We don't know yet.
224
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,514
And can we just
keep a lid on it?
225
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,054
What?
226
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,122
Come on, Roseanne.
227
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,023
Oh no, no.
228
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,357
That test takes 10 minutes.
229
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,192
So just do what you were
doing and try to forget
230
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,227
about it the next 10 minutes.
231
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,233
[ticking clock]
232
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:34,141
Eight minutes and 16 seconds.
233
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,743
Thank you, DJ.
234
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:36,644
You're welcome.
235
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:37,978
I'm sorry, Roseanne.
236
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,547
But I'm just so excited about
this, I could bust in two.
237
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,950
I swear, it's like
having a baby of my own.
238
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,919
Well you know, now
it's not positive yet.
239
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,320
I know.
240
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,257
But thinking about it gets my
biological clock ticking away.
241
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:52,225
Tick, tick, tick.
242
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,227
Just hope I can do something
about it before the battery
243
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,163
goes dead.
244
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,564
Do you want another kid?
245
00:09:57,665 --> 00:10:00,133
Well it does make me a little
sad to think of my Lonnie
246
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,969
as an only child.
247
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:04,137
And I guess I kind of regret
not having that little girl
248
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,505
I always dreamed about.
249
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,439
Yeah, me too.
250
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,811
What about you, Jackie?
251
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,446
I bet your little
clock's all wound up.
252
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:16,249
Crystal, I'm a cop.
253
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,388
Cops can get pregnant
just like everyone else.
254
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,457
Yeah, but when she wakes
up depressed, and bloated,
255
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:28,896
and hating the whole world,
she gets to carry a gun.
256
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,397
Seven minutes and 34 seconds.
257
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:31,298
[crash]
258
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,199
DJ!
259
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:36,536
Thank you.
260
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,637
You're welcome.
261
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:38,605
Crystal, maybe we oughtta--
262
00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:39,740
No, you guys hang out.
263
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,909
I gotta-- having trouble
with this thing here.
264
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:45,045
I gotta go out in the
garage and get another tool.
265
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,580
Well the toaster's
not even broke.
266
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,182
He just doesn't want to
talk about any of this.
267
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,719
Well, maybe you ought
to go out there after him.
268
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,320
No, let him sit
out there and nail
269
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,487
something else for a while.
270
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,327
I think he's
pretty sure the test
271
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,729
is going to come out positive.
272
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:02,796
Well, I don't know why.
273
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:05,733
I've only been late
3 times in my life.
274
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,301
Here are two of them now.
275
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,103
Mom look, we really got
to talk about all this.
276
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,038
Because--
277
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,305
Mom, I've decided
it's OK for you
278
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,273
to bring a baby into the
house, as long as we can agree
279
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,274
on a couple of conditions.
280
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:15,743
I can't believe you, Darlene.
281
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,644
I was already talking,
now get out of here.
282
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,547
No, I want to hear
your conditions.
283
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:21,648
Oh, that's quite all right.
284
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,682
You can just go right ahead.
285
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:24,017
Oh, no, no.
286
00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:26,519
Come on, let it rip.
287
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:27,687
All right, OK.
288
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:30,190
Now say I brought a
puppy into this house.
289
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:31,859
It would be my puppy.
290
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:34,661
And I would have to
take care of it, right?
291
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:35,896
Well, I just
don't think you're
292
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,731
going to have that much time
to take care of a puppy.
293
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,399
What, with all the work
you're going to be doing
294
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:42,870
with the new baby and all.
295
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:46,006
You don't get this, do you?
296
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,707
Yeah, you do.
297
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,943
I don't think it's fair that
you should expect me to clean
298
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:53,313
the baby, or wash it, or
watch it while it sleeps,
299
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,714
or change it's diapers--
300
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:55,983
I guess what
you're saying here
301
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,551
is that you just feel
that three children
302
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:01,054
are enough for this house.
303
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,189
Well, Yeah.
304
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,556
Yeah.
305
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:04,892
We're going to
miss you, Darlene.
306
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,463
So, what's your beef?
307
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,832
Uh, do you think
we can maybe--
308
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,669
Are you getting
all this, Crystal?
309
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:17,670
Your clock still ticking?
310
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:22,609
Mother, I'm turning
16 this year, right?
311
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:26,479
Well, I guess that depends
on what you're about to say.
312
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,181
Well, so this is
a big year for me.
313
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,183
I mean, I was going to
maybe get a sweet 16 party.
314
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:31,919
And if I don't, my friends will.
315
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,286
And hey, Ma, I just
can't be wearing
316
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:34,387
the same clothes every time.
317
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,288
Oh god, no.
318
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,756
What would people say?
319
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,959
Yeah, and Dad was talking
about maybe getting some old
320
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,994
beat up car that he
could fix up for me.
321
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,329
So?
322
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:43,263
So?
323
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,833
So none of this is
going to happen.
324
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:48,735
I mean, when DJ was a baby,
I was seven years old.
325
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:49,769
But I still remember this.
326
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,939
It was always, oh,
the baby needs this.
327
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,173
And the baby needs that.
328
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,108
And I'm always the one
who has to do with things
329
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,944
because I'm the oldest.
330
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,145
And hey, what about college?
331
00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,379
Don't you want me
to go to college?
332
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:00,680
No, Becky.
333
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:04,017
Your father and I want you
to work in a bowling alley.
334
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:07,054
It was kind of our dream.
335
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,722
Well, I guess you'll just
never understand how I feel.
336
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,925
Because when you were
16, you had a car.
337
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,861
Yeah, well, maybe that had
to do something with the fact
338
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,996
that when I was 16,
I also had a job.
339
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,400
Well just forget it.
340
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,935
I mean, I don't even know
what you were thinking
341
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,636
when you were making this baby.
342
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:24,972
I'll tell you
what I was thinking.
343
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,374
I was thinking, I wonder if
I could get pregnant so I
344
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:30,643
could louse up Becky's life.
345
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:31,544
[door slams]
346
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:32,712
She's a little brat.
347
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,181
I can never [inaudible].
348
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:37,885
I agree.
349
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,452
Can you believe
how selfish she is?
350
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:40,420
I mean, I am overwhelmed--
351
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,588
Go to your room
and live in fear.
352
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:48,495
And to think I suckled them.
353
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:49,963
They're just upset, Roseanne.
354
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:52,599
It's a lot for them
handle all at once.
355
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:54,734
How much longer until
this test is over?
356
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,872
DJ: Four minutes and 19 seconds.
357
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:01,308
I'm going to make coffee.
358
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,877
You know, Roseanne, if you
don't want to have this baby,
359
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,013
you could get an abortion.
360
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,948
Some say that's
murder, Roseanne.
361
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:09,616
And some say it's not.
362
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:11,151
And some say you got a choice.
363
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,786
But we don't even know the
results of the test yet,
364
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:17,024
so we're talking
about coffee now.
365
00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:21,194
Roseanne, bedroom.
366
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,996
Ooh, foreplay for a change.
367
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:26,900
Should have
happened, Roseanne.
368
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,301
We took precautions.
369
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,070
Yeah, well they didn't work.
370
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:31,972
Well, you should have known
it was your fertile time.
371
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:35,375
Well excuse me for ovulating.
372
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:36,543
I didn't mean that.
373
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:37,877
Well, you meant something
like that, something
374
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,613
like it's my fault. And
the whole family is sitting
375
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,848
there thinking it's my fault.
376
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,250
Well, I didn't mean that.
377
00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,920
I guess I mean, I'm feeling a
little Old for this, you know?
378
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,121
I'm 38.
379
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,757
What, like I'm 25?
380
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:51,992
We're not yuppies.
381
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:54,161
I mean, it ain't hip for
us to be having babies now.
382
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,996
We had them when we
were young and stupid,
383
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:59,432
like we were supposed to.
384
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:01,734
I just guess I'm feeling a
little weird that we have to go
385
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,236
through this whole thing again.
386
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,805
Jeez, you are just
as bad as the kids.
387
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:09,542
We have to go through
this whole thing again?
388
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:11,945
You know, well maybe
if we pull together,
389
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:16,383
we all can make this pregnancy
thing a lot easier on us.
390
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,818
Yeah, like, OK,
I'll carry the baby.
391
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,720
But Darlene gets to have
the morning sickness.
392
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,989
And Becky can have
the backaches.
393
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,224
And I'll save the
hemorrhoids for you, Dan.
394
00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:26,226
And then the kid's
born, you know,
395
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:27,527
I'll be in charge of diapering.
396
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,929
But you get up 12 times a
night and breastfeed it.
397
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,232
Is that cool?
398
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:33,666
Yeah, I've always
helped, Roseanne.
399
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,135
And I'm going to help this time.
400
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,137
But don't go calling me
selfish just because I thought,
401
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:40,507
finally we'd have some time
for ourselves after 16 years.
402
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,509
You've had nine days
to get used to this.
403
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,044
I've had 10 minutes.
404
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,981
DJ: Almost Done, Mom, Dad.
405
00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:51,284
One minute and 58 seconds.
406
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,820
Thank you, DJ.
407
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,788
Was I an accident?
408
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:02,462
No DJ, you were a surprise.
409
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,631
What's the difference?
410
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:08,801
Well, an accident is
something that if you had to do
411
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,038
it over again, you wouldn't.
412
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,940
But a surprise is something
that you didn't even know
413
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,908
you wanted till you got it.
414
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:17,777
Was Darlene an accident?
415
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:18,845
No, Darlene was a disaster.
416
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:25,052
Darlene says I'm not going
to be the baby anymore,
417
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:28,255
so nobody's going to
pay any attention to me.
418
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,789
Well, I'll tell
you what, honey.
419
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:34,761
How about if we pay lots and
lots of attention to you?
420
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:37,330
I'll be happy if
you have a baby.
421
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,798
Oh, that's so sweet.
422
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,900
Finally, I get a
chance to kick some butt.
423
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:47,940
Ah, tradition.
424
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:50,343
It's a remarkable thing.
425
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:51,411
[timer dings]
426
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,481
Time, it's time,
it's time, it's time!
427
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,383
You know, I might
not even be pregnant.
428
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:59,186
So we might be sitting
here yelling for no reason.
429
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:02,789
No, we're rehearsing
for next time.
430
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,158
No, there's not going to
be any next time because I'm
431
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,660
just going to go get fixed.
432
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,796
You mean get your tubes tied?
433
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,764
No, I mean get my
knees sewn together.
434
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:18,671
I'm serious.
435
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:20,907
That's, like an operation.
436
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,742
You'd be in the hospital.
437
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:25,345
Well you know, Dan, it's
just a little bit more
438
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:28,348
complicated than,
say a vasectomy.
439
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:35,622
Yeah, well, you know what?
440
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,290
You're right.
441
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:40,493
I could take a half day off of
work and drive you down there.
442
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:41,394
Uh-huh.
443
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,666
So, you want to be alone or--
444
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,701
No, come on in.
445
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,403
All right, what do
I do now, Jackie?
446
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,004
Just read the test stick.
447
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,506
Pink is yes and white is no.
448
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:00,680
Aunt Jackie told me.
449
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,616
I wanna read the stick,
I wanna read the stick.
450
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:04,517
Jeez, DJ.
451
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,985
It's not like licking the spoon.
452
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,189
Mom!
453
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:10,757
All right, you can.
454
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:11,958
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, though.
455
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:12,859
Come here.
456
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,828
Me No, I have something to say.
457
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:20,467
All right, if this
test is positive,
458
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,002
I expect all of your support.
459
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,337
I'm not even going
to ask you for it.
460
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,838
You're just going to give it.
461
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,039
I know you can do it.
462
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:31,378
You just pretend like
you're some other family.
463
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,679
OK.
464
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:33,580
Fine.
465
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:34,947
Yep.
466
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,916
All right, go.
467
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,017
OK.
468
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,352
DJ, tell us what it is.
469
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,587
Pink is yes.
470
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:41,988
White is no.
471
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,756
- It's white.
- No way.
472
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,657
Yes, yes, yes.
473
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:47,627
Yes, yes, yes.
474
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,497
Come on.
475
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,498
I'm sorry, Roseanne.
476
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,036
I'll talk to you later, sis.
477
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:58,004
Thanks for coming by.
478
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,672
Yeah, well, that's
what I do best.
479
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,247
I'm going to go down to the
school and shoot some hoops.
480
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,482
Mm-hmm, OK.
481
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,983
So you'll be here
when I get back?
482
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,852
Right.
483
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:15,822
Uh, I didn't mean the
stuff I said before.
484
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,358
You did.
485
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:19,526
OK, I did.
486
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:22,529
But, I'm sorry.
487
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,963
OK?
488
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:24,964
Mmm, OK.
489
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:44,183
Dan, Becky wants
her driving lesson.
490
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,084
Meet me in the car, Beck.
491
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,923
DJ, did you eat
your breakfast, yet?
492
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:51,824
OK.
493
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:57,697
What would you have named it?
494
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,099
Jack for a boy.
495
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,634
And Priscilla for a girl.
496
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,069
DJ: Mom!
497
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,473
There's a whole new
box on the top shelf!
498
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:10,377
DJ: I can't find it!
499
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:11,611
Of course not.
500
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:19,018
Well, you want
me to stick around?
501
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,152
You want some company?
502
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:21,087
Uh, no.
503
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:21,988
I've got company.
504
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,860
The Kids got your
face, Roseanne.
505
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,398
I'm amazed every
time I look at him.
506
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,299
Yeah.
507
00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:37,036
None of them look like me.
508
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,738
That won't stand
up in court, Dan.
509
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:40,640
Damn.
510
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,944
I'm gonna go watch TV.
511
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,846
[laughs] I'll clean it up.
512
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:47,914
Yeah?
513
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:48,815
All right.
514
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:54,554
Becky.
515
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,262
You know that thing
you were going to do,
516
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,196
that tube-tying thing?
517
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,067
I'm not gonna.
518
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:13,473
Yeah, OK.
519
00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:15,274
[music playing]
520
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:24,584
[clock ticking]
521
00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:56,115
[music playing]
522
00:21:56,165 --> 00:22:00,715
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