All language subtitles for Roseanne s02e24 Happy Birthday.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:21,580 SOMEONE'S GOT A SPECIAL DAY COMING UP. 2 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:22,582 OH? 3 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:26,085 MM-HMM, AND I KNOW WHO. 4 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,088 GIVE ME A BREAK, CRYSTAL. 5 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:31,091 ROSEANNE, IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY? 6 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,093 SATURDAY. 7 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,094 CONGRATULATIONS. 8 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,295 THANK YOU. 9 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:36,863 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSEANNE. 10 00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:38,564 HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE? 11 00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:41,000 WELL, UH... 12 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:41,900 37. 13 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:47,307 DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING SPECIAL PLANNED? 14 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:50,343 I DON'T KNOW. CRYSTAL? 15 00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,712 LISTEN-- 16 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:54,280 AS MY PRESENT, 17 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,782 I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SATURDAY OFF. 18 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,784 NO. 19 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,285 I INSIST. 20 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,786 HERE YOU GO! 21 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,288 OH! 22 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:03,789 WOO! 23 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,791 MAKE A WISH. 24 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,292 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSEANNE. 25 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,293 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 26 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,362 OK. I WISH THAT, UH, 27 00:02:10,363 --> 00:02:13,366 EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE GIVING ME SATURDAY OFF, 28 00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:16,369 THAT I WOULD STILL GET PAID FOR IT. 29 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,809 OF COURSE YOU WILL. 30 00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:26,345 AAH! WHOO-HOO! 31 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,348 WHAT DID YOU WISH, ROSEANNE? 32 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:30,850 DON'T TELL, ROSEANNE. IT'S BAD LUCK. 33 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:32,852 IT'S BAD LUCK NOT TO TELL. 34 00:02:32,852 --> 00:02:36,355 MAYBE YOU WON'T GET PAID FOR THAT DAY OFF. 35 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,162 WELL, I WISHED FOR TIME. 36 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,031 TIME...FOR WHAT? 37 00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:47,099 I USED TO DO ALL THIS WRITING, 38 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,768 YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. 39 00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:50,836 ROSEANNE'S A TERRIFIC WRITER. 40 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,406 OH! WHAT DO YOU WRITE, ROXANNE? 41 00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:54,473 NOTHING NOW, 42 00:02:57,977 --> 00:02:58,978 YEAH? LIKE WHAT? 43 00:02:58,978 --> 00:03:01,480 LIKE THESE POEMS AND STORIES AND JUNK LIKE THAT. 44 00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:03,483 WHATEVER MY BRAIN WOULD CHURN OUT. 45 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:04,984 YOU KNOW, 46 00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:07,786 MY NEPHEW ROGER DOES CALLIGRAPHY. 47 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:16,028 DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING 48 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,531 TO DO WITH THIS CONVERSATION? 49 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,533 WELL, HE DOES WEDDING INVITATIONS 50 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,568 AND MAKES A FORTUNE! 51 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,637 THE ANSWER IS NO. 52 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,341 SO HOW COME YOU STOPPED WRITING? 53 00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:29,842 WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I WAS-- 54 00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:32,344 I WAS WRITING THIS ONE DAY, YOU KNOW, 55 00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,947 AND A GRENADE WENT OFF IN MY HAND. 56 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,517 OHH. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. 57 00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:40,953 HOW COME YOU DID STOP? 58 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,021 WELL, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, 59 00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,522 WITH WORK AND DAN AND THE KIDS-- 60 00:03:43,523 --> 00:03:44,924 I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME. 61 00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:46,992 CAN'T YOU DO A LITTLE WRITING 62 00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:48,294 BEFORE YOU COME TO WORK IN THE MORNING? 63 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,863 NO. 'CAUSE ME AND DAN HAVE TO GO WALKING, 64 00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,364 AND THEN I COME HOME AND I GOT BREAKFAST, 65 00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:54,033 AND I GOT THE KIDS' LUNCHES... 66 00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:55,601 BEST TIME TO BE CREATIVE 67 00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,604 IS RIGHT AFTER YOU GET OFF WORK, YOU KNOW. 68 00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:01,674 WHILE YOU'RE STILL FULL OF RAGE. 69 00:04:01,674 --> 00:04:03,242 CAN'T YOU DO A LITTLE WRITING 70 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,711 BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP? 71 00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:06,779 NO. I LIKE TO DO SOMETHING ELSE 72 00:04:06,779 --> 00:04:08,847 BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP. 73 00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:10,416 HOO HOO HOO. 74 00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:15,088 SURELY NOT EVERY NIGHT, ROXANNE. 75 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,155 OH, YEAH. 76 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:17,656 THAT'S WHAT US POOR PEOPLE DO. 77 00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,659 WE DON'T HAVE VCRs. 78 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,163 [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] 79 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:34,173 OK. WHO ARE THESE GUYS? 80 00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:36,675 THE SPLITTING HEADACHES. 81 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:41,647 WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS SONG? 82 00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:43,149 POUNDING. 83 00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,085 SO BASICALLY, WE'RE LISTENING TO POUNDING 84 00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:48,020 BY THE SPLITTING HEADACHES? 85 00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,926 OHH! OH, MY GOD. HERE IT IS. 86 00:04:58,431 --> 00:05:00,433 DAN! 87 00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,702 DAN! 88 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:04,770 DAN! 89 00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:07,373 HEY, DAN! COME HERE. LOOK WHAT I FOUND. 90 00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:08,440 COMING, MOTHER. 91 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:11,811 OH, MY GOD. 92 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:15,548 YOU FOUND A DUSTY BOOK IN THE BASEMENT. 93 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:17,616 NO, IT'S NOT JUST A DUSTY BOOK. 94 00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:19,118 IT'S MY OLD JOURNAL. 95 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,120 I STARTED WRITING IN IT IN '65. 96 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,122 OH, WOW. TIME WARP. 97 00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:25,124 LOOKIT. LOOKIT HERE-- 98 00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:27,626 I GOT A WHOLE PAGE ABOUT GARY PUCKETT 99 00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,128 AND THE UNION GAP. 100 00:05:29,128 --> 00:05:31,997 HEY, YOU CAN'T SEE IT. IT'S PRIVATE. 101 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,066 LISTEN TO THIS--OHH, HEY, TURN THAT DOWN. 102 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:39,539 HEY, HEY. AIR RAID. END OF WAR. 103 00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:40,606 THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. 104 00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,474 I'VE GOT TROOPS COMING IN FROM THE NORTH. 105 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,043 THAT MAY BE, BUT... 106 00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:49,549 "BY THE YEAR 1983, WHEN I TURN 30, 107 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,051 "I VOW TO ACCOMPLISH THE FOLLOWING-- 108 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:55,421 "FALL IN LOVE WITH A WARM, SEXY, LOVING MAN 109 00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:57,489 "WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MONEY... 110 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:02,361 BUT HAS A TON OF IT." 111 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,931 WELL, I WAS ONLY 17. 112 00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:07,533 WELL, SO CONTINUE. 113 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:08,600 OK, AND 2-- 114 00:06:08,601 --> 00:06:10,603 "I WILL LIVE ON A 100-YEAR-OLD FARM 115 00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,104 "WITH A PRIVATE SECRETARY, COOK, 116 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,974 AND ALSO MAYBE A FARMER." 117 00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:17,476 YOU WANTED TO BE A FARMER? 118 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,545 WELL, I WANTED TO LIVE ON A FARM 119 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,547 AND OWN A FARM, AND LOOK AT A FARM, 120 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,049 BUT NOT DO ANY OF THE ACTUAL TOUCHING 121 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,552 OF ANIMALS OR ANY OF THAT STUFF. 122 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:30,656 AND 3--"I WILL BE A FAMOUS WRITER." 123 00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,257 YOU WANTED TO BE A WRITER? 124 00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:34,326 YEAH. 125 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,796 YEAH, I DID. 126 00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,864 HEY. HEY. WHAT'S THE MATTER? 127 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:39,866 NOTHING. 128 00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:40,867 COME ON, ROSEANNE. 129 00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:41,868 2 MINUTES AGO, 130 00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,003 YOU WERE CLEANING OUT THE BASEMENT, 131 00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:45,070 HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. 132 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,572 NOW YOU'RE ALL BUMMED OUT. 133 00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:48,574 I USED TO WRITE, DAN. 134 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,075 I USED TO WRITE EVERY DAY. 135 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,577 YEAH. I REMEMBER. 136 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,078 I MEAN, THIS BOOK IS ME. 137 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,080 MY SOUL'S IN THERE. 138 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,581 I USED TO WRITE DOWN 139 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:57,583 EVERYTHING I WAS EVER THINKING ABOUT. 140 00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,751 SO NOW YOU FOUND IT, YOU CAN WRITE IN IT SOME MORE. 141 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:00,819 WHEN? I MEAN, 142 00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,622 I GOT A JOB, 3 KIDS, AND YOU. 143 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:10,162 WE'RE NOT GOING TO LIVE FOREVER. 144 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,731 I DON'T KNOW. WRITING WAS JUST SOMETHING 145 00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:13,232 THAT REALLY GAVE ME A LOT OF PLEASURE, 146 00:07:13,232 --> 00:07:15,234 THEN I JUST GAVE IT UP. 147 00:07:15,234 --> 00:07:18,737 WELL, YOU GIVE ALL YOUR TIME TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR JOB. 148 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,272 YOU GOT A LIFE. 149 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,641 I GOT LAZY. YOU GOT LAZY. 150 00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:22,642 NO, I DIDN'T GET LAZY. 151 00:07:22,642 --> 00:07:23,876 DID NOT GET LAZY. 152 00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:24,743 OK. I DID GET LAZY. 153 00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:26,879 OK, BUT DON'T PATRONIZE ME. 154 00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:27,946 I AM PATRONIZING YOU, 155 00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,448 'CAUSE EVERY TIME YOU CLEAN OUT A CLOSET, 156 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,983 I PAY THE PRICE. 157 00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:32,317 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 158 00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:34,386 THIS CLEANING JAG YOU'RE ON. 159 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,089 I GOT AN EVEN NUMBER OF SOCKS IN MY SOCK DRAWER, 160 00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:40,092 ALL FOLDED THE SAME WAY IN LITTLE STACKS 161 00:07:40,092 --> 00:07:42,494 ARRANGED BY HUE. 162 00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:47,600 SO SUE ME FOR TRYING TO PUT ORDER INTO YOUR DRAWERS. 163 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,768 THIS IS A BIRTHDAY THING, ISN'T IT? 164 00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:50,836 NO, THIS ISN'T A BIRTHDAY THING. 165 00:07:50,837 --> 00:07:52,839 ROSEANNE. DAN. 166 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,841 SO HOW OLD ARE YOU GONNA BE THIS YEAR, MOM? 167 00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:55,842 40. 168 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,844 HEH. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 169 00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,345 YOU'RE NOT TURNING 40. 170 00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:02,848 MAYBE NOT THIS YEAR, BUT IN A FEW YEARS. 171 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:06,185 40 YEARS OLD? 172 00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,253 WOW! 173 00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:11,257 SO, LIKE, YOU WERE ALIVE IN THE FIFTIES? 174 00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:15,828 THAT'S 5 TIMES OLDER THAN D.J. 175 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:18,897 I COULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE 3 TIMES 176 00:08:18,898 --> 00:08:22,034 AND NOT BE AS OLD AS YOU. 177 00:08:22,034 --> 00:08:24,102 WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET STARTED 178 00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,605 ON YOUR SECOND LIFE RIGHT NOW? 179 00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:34,112 HEY, IF YOU'RE MAKING OUT A SHOPPING LIST, 180 00:08:34,113 --> 00:08:35,614 I NEED SOME RAZORS-- 181 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:38,117 THE KIND WITH THE COMFORT STRIP. 182 00:08:38,117 --> 00:08:40,619 IT'S NOT A GROCERY LIST, DAN, I'M TRYING TO WRITE. 183 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:42,622 OH, YEAH? YEAH? 184 00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,625 THAT'S GREAT. 185 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:48,628 WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 186 00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:54,166 "IT'S 5:30 A.M. 187 00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,168 "THE HOUSE IS STILL AND QUIET 188 00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:58,170 "EXCEPT FOR AN INTERMITTENT RUMBLE 189 00:08:58,170 --> 00:08:59,171 "FROM THE BEDROOM, 190 00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,674 THE SNORE OF MY LIFE-MATE." 191 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:04,643 I DON'T SNORE. 192 00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,614 NO, DAN. THIS IS FICTION. 193 00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,016 WELL, I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU, BABE. 194 00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,318 YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT. 195 00:09:12,318 --> 00:09:13,319 MUTE, MUTE, MUTE. 196 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:27,800 SORRY. 197 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,303 THAT'S OK. I'LL JUST GO IN THE LIVING ROOM. 198 00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,948 NO, D.J., GO EAT BREAKFAST 199 00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:43,449 BEFORE YOU START WATCHING TV. 200 00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:44,950 I WANT TO EAT IN HERE. 201 00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:47,320 HEY, DEEJ, YOUR MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE. 202 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,322 GO GET YOUR CEREAL AND WE'LL EAT IT IN HERE. 203 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,324 HONEY, YOU CAN HAVE THE KITCHEN BACK. 204 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,325 OH, GREAT. 205 00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:58,697 MORNING, DAD. 206 00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:00,199 HEY, BECK, BE REAL QUIET GOING IN THE KITCHEN. 207 00:10:00,199 --> 00:10:01,133 YOUR MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE. 208 00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:02,200 OK. 209 00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:06,705 GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE! 210 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:07,707 SHH! 211 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:09,709 MOM'S TRYING TO WRITE. 212 00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:10,710 WRITE WHAT? 213 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:12,211 DARLENE. DARLENE... 214 00:10:15,214 --> 00:10:17,216 Have you seen my history book? 215 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:18,717 Did you check on the washer? 216 00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:19,719 Of course I checked on the washer. 217 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,220 How about under the sofa? 218 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,222 Yes, I checked under the sofa. 219 00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:24,223 Did you look upstairs? 220 00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:25,224 Yes! 221 00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:28,227 How come you're always losing your stuff? 222 00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,728 WELL, ANSWER HER. 223 00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:38,737 WELL, THIS BETTER BE GOOD. 224 00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,239 I'M SURE EXCITED. 225 00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:42,741 I HAVE HERE ONE SILK SCARF 226 00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:44,744 MADE OF GENUINE DACRON. 227 00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:48,747 YOU GUYS KNOW HOW I HATE SURPRISES, 228 00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,750 ESPECIALLY WHEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. 229 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,518 YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THIS ONE. 230 00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:54,152 1, 2, 3, 4... 231 00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:55,721 DA DA DA DA DA 232 00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,723 YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY 233 00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,024 DA DA DA DA DA 234 00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,593 IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TOO, YEAH 235 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:04,096 OH! YOU GOT THE BEATLES TO COME OVER! 236 00:11:04,096 --> 00:11:06,331 DA DA DA DA DA DA 237 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,399 STEP. 238 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,901 DA DA DA DA DA DA 239 00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:10,402 STEP RIGHT THERE. STEP. 240 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:11,404 AAH! 241 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,906 STEP. STEP. OK. NO STEP. 242 00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:15,407 DA DA DA DA DA DA 243 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:16,409 ALL RIGHT. 244 00:11:16,409 --> 00:11:17,410 AAH. 245 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,912 All: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM! 246 00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:22,414 AH. MY OWN DOOR! 247 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:23,916 OPEN IT. 248 00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:25,617 OK. 249 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,189 OH. MY OWN DUNGEON. 250 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,192 IT'S AN OFFICE. 251 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,693 SO YOU CAN WRITE. 252 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:35,695 OH. MY OWN OFFICE! 253 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,696 YOU LIKE IT? 254 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,397 IT'S MY OWN OFFICE! 255 00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:40,565 THIS IS SO YOU DON'T BOTHER US WHEN YOU WRITE. 256 00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:42,134 OH, IT'S JUST GREAT. 257 00:11:42,134 --> 00:11:43,568 IT'S FANTASTIC! 258 00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,637 YEAH, I PUT ALL THESE SHELVES IN HERE FOR, 259 00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,439 UH, YOUR, UH, YOU KNOW, THE STUFF YOU WRITE. 260 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,809 MANUSCRIPTS. MANUSCRIPTS. 261 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:52,812 HOW DID YOU DO THIS WITHOUT ME KNOWING? 262 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:53,979 HEE HEE HEE HIC! 263 00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:55,547 WELL, THANK YOU! 264 00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:58,483 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM. 265 00:11:58,484 --> 00:11:59,985 HERE. PENCILS. 266 00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,987 OHH. 267 00:12:01,987 --> 00:12:03,488 YEAH, AND I GOT YOU SOME NOTEPADS. 268 00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,858 I GOT A DICTIONARY AND A THESAURUS. 269 00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:08,427 AH, GEE, THIS IS LIKE THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY 270 00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:11,229 OR SOMETHING. 271 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,297 AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE, 272 00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:13,799 I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO THE MALL 273 00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:15,300 FOR LUNCH AND A MOVIE, 274 00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:17,836 AND YOU GOT THE AFTERNOON TO YOURSELF TO WRITE. 275 00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:18,904 WHAT, YOU'RE ALL LEAVING? 276 00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,405 GONE. WE'LL MISS YOU. 277 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,908 I'LL MISS YOU, TOO. NOW SCRAM. 278 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,911 YOU KNOW, STEPHEN KING STARTED THIS WAY. 279 00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,423 OHH. 280 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,926 I'M 37 281 00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,928 I'M NOT REALLY 40 282 00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:45,430 NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH 283 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,499 NAH NAH NAH NAH 284 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,003 AND I'M SPENDING THE AFTERNOON ALL ALONE 285 00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:54,006 IN MY BASEMENT 286 00:13:43,155 --> 00:13:44,789 Jackie: ROSEANNE, YOU OUT HERE? 287 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:48,860 HEY, COME TO THE WINDOW! I'M IN THE BASEMENT. 288 00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:51,363 HI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE? 289 00:13:51,363 --> 00:13:52,864 HEY, YOU KNOW, TODAY'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. 290 00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:53,866 YOU'RE 37. 291 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:54,867 I KNOW. 292 00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,368 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 293 00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,370 HEY, LOOKIT. DAN MADE ME AN OFFICE 294 00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:00,372 SO'S I CAN WRITE. 295 00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:01,873 YEAH, LOOKS GREAT. 296 00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:03,876 MAYBE I SHOULD BRING YOU A CAKE 297 00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:05,477 WITH A FILE IN IT. 298 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:08,046 NO, IT'S GREAT. LOOK, I GOT A DESK 299 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:09,548 AND SHELVES AND EVERYTHING. 300 00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:11,550 AND ON TOP OF THAT, 301 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,051 HE UPS AND TAKES THE KIDS TO THE MALL 302 00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:15,354 SO'S, YOU KNOW, I CAN CONCENTRATE. 303 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:16,421 HOW'S IT GOING? 304 00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,289 YOU GETTING ANYTHING DONE? 305 00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:18,857 NO. I'M GOING NUTS. 306 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,527 WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION. 307 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,028 I JUST CAME BY TO WISH YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 308 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,529 SO I'LL STOP BY LATER, 309 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,532 AND I CAN GIVE YOU MY PRESENT. 310 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,034 WELL, WHY CAN'T I OPEN IT NOW? 311 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,036 I HAVEN'T BOUGHT IT YET. 312 00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:35,040 OH, WELL. 313 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,041 I'M COMING UP. 314 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:44,049 ARE YOU IN NEED OF SOME STROKING? 315 00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:46,051 NO. I'M JUST IN NEED OF, 316 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,052 YOU KNOW, 317 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,054 SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT. 318 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:52,057 I MEAN, I GOT A DOZEN SHARPENED 319 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,059 DIXON-TICONDEROGA NUMBER 2s, 320 00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:55,560 AND NO IDEAS. 321 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,063 WELL, WHAT DID YOU USED TO WRITE ABOUT? 322 00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,564 MY LIFE AND STUFF, 323 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,067 BUT I THINK IT WAS JUST MORE INTERESTING THEN. 324 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,568 NO. CUT IT OUT. 325 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:04,570 I DON'T KNOW. 326 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,572 I--I THINK I SHOULDN'T START BIG, MAYBE. 327 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,807 SHOULDN'T START SO BIG, LIKE, BY WRITING. 328 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:11,876 I SHOULD START MAYBE SMALLER BY PLAGIARIZING. 329 00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,112 YOU KNOW, ROSEANNE, 330 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,614 I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT WRITING... 331 00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:17,115 FROM THE POLICE REPORTS. 332 00:15:17,116 --> 00:15:20,886 THEY'VE GOT TO BE CONVINCING. 333 00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:23,889 THEY'VE GOT TO BE ACCURATE. 334 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:27,893 THEY'VE GOT TO BE AT LEAST 2 PAGES LONG 335 00:15:27,893 --> 00:15:29,895 OR ELSE JUDGE SAMUELS 336 00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:32,297 ISN'T GOING TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. 337 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,168 SO, WHAT I FOUND IS, 338 00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:40,172 THE BEST WAY TO START OUT IS BY THE FACTS. 339 00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:42,140 WHAT FACTS? 340 00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,709 FACTS--EV-- 341 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:46,945 W-W-WHAT ARE THE FACTS IN GONE WITH THE WIND? 342 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,515 WELL, HEH, I THINK WE'RE TALKING 343 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:52,918 ABOUT LITERATURE HERE AND NOT THE MOVIES. 344 00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:54,419 IT WAS A BOOK. 345 00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:02,861 GONE WITH THE WIND WAS A BOOK? 346 00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:03,862 YEAH. 347 00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:07,966 SO YOU LOOK AT THE FACTS. WHAT ARE THE FACTS? 348 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,468 YOU GOT THE NORTH, THE SOUTH, 349 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,970 THE TROOPS, THE HORSES, A STAIRCASE, 350 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,973 BIRTHIN' BABIES, AND A BIG FIRE. 351 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,477 YOU'RE KIDDING ME, IT WAS A BOOK? 352 00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:22,447 SEE, EVERYTHING'S GOT FACTS AND EVENTS AND PEOPLE... 353 00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:23,949 IN THE EVENTS. 354 00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:26,952 SO YOU TAKE THE PEOPLE IN THE EVENTS 355 00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:29,454 AND THEN YOU PUT THEM IN THE ORDER 356 00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:31,957 THAT THE... FACTS HAPPEN, 357 00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:33,258 AND THEN YOU'RE DONE. 358 00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:36,595 WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED 359 00:16:36,595 --> 00:16:40,098 IF GONE WITH THE WIND WASN'T A BOOK. 360 00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:46,605 SO HOW'D YOU LIKE YOUR DINNER, MOM? 361 00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,106 OH, IT WAS REALLY GREAT. 362 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:49,608 AND I'LL LIKE IT EVEN MORE 363 00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:51,109 WHEN IT'S ALL CLEANED UP. 364 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:53,612 COME ON, DARLENE, YOU GOT TO HELP. 365 00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:55,113 WHY DO I HAVE TO HELP? 366 00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:56,615 DARLENE, GET TO WORK. 367 00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:58,917 SO WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE WHAT YOU WROTE TODAY? 368 00:16:58,917 --> 00:17:02,487 UH, SOON AS THE MOVIE COMES OUT. 369 00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:05,557 NO, WE WANT TO READ IT. 370 00:17:05,557 --> 00:17:08,826 WELL, YOU CAN'T READ IT A PIECE AT A TIME. 371 00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:11,362 YOU GOT TO WAIT TILL THE WHOLE BOOK IS FINISHED. 372 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,431 Dan: YOU WRITING THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL? 373 00:17:13,432 --> 00:17:15,934 WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM... 374 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:18,503 AND WITH THAT NEW OFFICE... 375 00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,605 YOU LIKE THAT OFFICE? 376 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,473 THAT IS A PERFECT OFFICE. 377 00:17:21,473 --> 00:17:23,541 SO EVERYTHING'S WORKING OUT OK, HUH? 378 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:26,545 YOU GOT THE TIME, YOU GOT THE PLACE-- 379 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,047 NOT A BAD BIRTHDAY PRESENT, HUH? 380 00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,284 GOOD HUBBY. GOOD HUBBY! 381 00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:34,552 ARF! 382 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,588 I'LL TELL YOU, THAT IS SUCH A GREAT OFFICE, 383 00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:37,622 SOMETIMES I CAN'T TELL YOU 384 00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,124 HOW MANY TIMES I'M SITTING DOWN THERE 385 00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:41,626 AND JUST LOOKING AT THOSE WALLS 386 00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:43,695 IN WONDERMENT. 387 00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:45,363 AS LONG AS YOU'RE GETTING TO WRITE. 388 00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:47,432 YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER DOWN THERE TODAY. 389 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:49,368 THE PAGES WERE JUST POURING OUT. 390 00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:54,940 SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TITLE YOUR BOOK? 391 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:59,010 101 THINGS TO DO WITH KIDS' HEADS. 392 00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,581 YOU KNOW, WRITING ISN'T EASY. 393 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,517 THAT'S THE TRUTH. ESPECIALLY THEM Hs. 394 00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:08,319 MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP USING YOUR HEAD AS AN ERASER. 395 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,889 MAYBE START USING DARLENE'S HEAD AS AN ERASER. 396 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,159 SO WEAK. 397 00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:15,160 VERY WEAK. 398 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,161 YEAH. 399 00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:19,164 DAVID, YOU GOT TO HELP. 400 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,165 MAKE ME. 401 00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:21,533 HELP! 402 00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,301 SO... 403 00:18:23,302 --> 00:18:26,438 WHEN DO I GET TO READ THIS MASTERPIECE? 404 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:30,008 SOON AS I WRITE SOMETHING. 405 00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:31,509 I THOUGHT SO. 406 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,011 YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE 407 00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:35,213 WHAT I DONE TO THEM SHELVES DOWN THERE. 408 00:18:35,214 --> 00:18:36,215 WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABE? 409 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:37,216 YOU DIDN'T WRITE ANYTHING? 410 00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,117 IT'S NOT THE OFFICE, IS IT? 411 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,185 OH, NO, HONEY, NO, 412 00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,187 IT ISN'T THE OFFICE, IT'S ME. 413 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:44,189 I GET SOME GOOD IDEA, 414 00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:45,690 BUT AS SOON AS I WRITE IT DOWN, 415 00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,192 IT TURNS OUT STUPID. 416 00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,461 ROSEANNE, DON'T START GETTING DOWN ON YOURSELF. 417 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,030 YEAH, YOU KNOW, PITCHERS DON'T GO DOWN 418 00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:54,032 TO FLORIDA IN FEBRUARY AND START THROWING HEAT. 419 00:18:54,032 --> 00:18:55,533 [KIDS FIGHTING] HEY, CAN IT! 420 00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:57,335 Darlene: SORRY. 421 00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:58,904 WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE IT ANYMORE. 422 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,405 YOU KNOW, I'M SITTING THERE, 423 00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:01,406 I'M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING, 424 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:02,907 I'M TRYING TO GET AN IDEA, 425 00:19:02,908 --> 00:19:03,909 THE ONLY THING THAT COMES INTO MY HEAD IS 426 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,911 THAT I GOT TO TAKE EITHER D.J. OR DARLENE 427 00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:07,412 TO THE DENTIST OR SOMETHING. 428 00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:09,414 Darlene: GET OFF OF ME BEFORE I KICK YOUR HEAD IN! 429 00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:12,417 I JUST DON'T THINK I HAVE ANY ROOM FOR CREATING. 430 00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:15,420 ALL MY COMPARTMENTS ARE TOO FULL UP. 431 00:19:15,420 --> 00:19:17,488 I'M 37 YEARS OLD AND I'M A MOM. 432 00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,457 THAT'S WHAT I AM. 433 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,526 HEY, DARLENE, GET OFF YOUR BROTHER. 434 00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:24,029 COME ON, D.J., WE'RE GOING UP TO BED. 435 00:19:24,029 --> 00:19:25,530 OK. READ TO ME. 436 00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:28,534 YEAH, JUST DON'T ASK ME TO WRITE TO YOU. 437 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,043 ALL RIGHT, BUDDY, WHAT WILL IT BE? 438 00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:42,047 THE ADVENTURES OF P.J. PAMMEWACK. 439 00:19:42,047 --> 00:19:43,548 OH. OK. 440 00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:47,553 WELL, MOVE YOUR BUTT OVER. YOU'RE HOGGING THE BED. 441 00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:48,554 OK. 442 00:19:48,554 --> 00:19:51,056 OHH, WELL... 443 00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:55,060 ONCE THERE WAS A LITTLE KID NAMED P.J. PAMMEWACK. 444 00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:58,663 AND HIS INITIALS WERE CLOSE TO THIS ONE KID I KNOW. 445 00:19:58,664 --> 00:19:59,798 ME. RIGHT. 446 00:19:59,798 --> 00:20:01,800 AND HE WAS ALSO IN THE THIRD GRADE, 447 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,201 LIKE THIS OTHER KID I KNOW. 448 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,269 ME. 449 00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:05,603 YEAH. 450 00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:10,175 AND ONE DAY, IT SEEMS P.J. WAS IN HIS FORT 451 00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,677 WHICH WAS IN WHATEVER WAS LEFT 452 00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,680 OF THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST. 453 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,181 AND IT WAS 8:00 IN THE MORNING, 454 00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:18,683 SO HE'D ALREADY FIRED THE MORNING CANNON, 455 00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,686 YOU KNOW, TO SCARE OFF ANY INTRUDERS 456 00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,187 THAT MIGHT BE COMING IN THERE 457 00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:25,190 TRYING TO STEAL HIS COLLECTION OF WAR TOYS. 458 00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:27,692 INTRUDERS? 459 00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,695 YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE BAD GUYS 460 00:20:29,695 --> 00:20:30,696 LIKE--LIKE BEK DAR, 461 00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:34,800 THE 2-HEADED EVIL SISTER MONSTER. 462 00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,868 OH, NO! 463 00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:37,869 OH, YES! 464 00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,871 AND THE CANNON WAS FIRED. 465 00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:41,372 BOOM! 466 00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,876 AND FROM OUT OF THE JUNGLE CAME A TERRIBLE NOISE. 467 00:20:44,876 --> 00:20:46,377 FIRST THERE WAS A... 468 00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:47,379 RUMBLE. 469 00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:48,380 AND A... 470 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,881 GRUMBLE. 471 00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:51,382 AND A... 472 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:52,884 HMM. I DON'T KNOW. 473 00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,887 A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM. 474 00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:58,389 SCREE-REE-REE! 475 00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:04,896 THE SCREAM OF A HUGE, GREAT BIG BIRD. 476 00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:06,898 MOM, HOW COME P.J. PAMMEWACK 477 00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:08,900 ISN'T IN THE LIBRARY? 478 00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:10,902 BECAUSE IT'S NOT A BOOK. 479 00:21:10,902 --> 00:21:12,904 IT'S JUST SOME STORIES I MAKE UP. 480 00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:15,806 WELL, IT SHOULD BE A BOOK. 481 00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:18,309 YOU THINK SO? 482 00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:19,311 YEAH. 483 00:21:21,813 --> 00:21:24,315 DID I EVER TELL YOU 484 00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:26,818 THAT YOU ARE MY FAVORITE SON? 485 00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:30,756 STORY! 486 00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:32,023 RIGHT. 487 00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:34,960 SO THIS HUGE BIRD SWOOPS OUT OF THE JUNGLE... 488 00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:40,231 Dan: ROSEANNE? 489 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:52,477 ROSIE? 490 00:22:13,865 --> 00:22:15,366 ROSEANNE? 491 00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:18,370 ROSEANNE? 492 00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:21,373 WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP HERE? 493 00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:22,874 IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT. 494 00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:34,853 WH-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THE OFFICE? 495 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:37,789 CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org-- 496 00:22:37,839 --> 00:22:42,389 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 32961

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