All language subtitles for Carry.On.At.Your.Convenience.1971.720p.

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

# Three old ladies
locked in the lavatory!

Four matching pairs.

Blue and green washbasins
for Carter's, Aberdeen.

Check.

Two princess suites complete with
stainless steel fittings for
Gerling's, London.

Check.
Six white, top-flushing urinals.

Stand-up ones?

Is there any other sort?

I only asked. Funny things happen
these days.

Six white top-flushing urinals,
regular design,
for the YWCA, Wigan.

One matching pair...

The YWCA? Hey, you're right.
Funny things DO happen these days.

Well, Miss Withering, how does it
feel? Comfortable?

Yes, I think so, Mr Boggs.

Good, good. Comfort before beauty.
That's what I always say.

It's a bit big in the bowl, I think.

It is only two centimetres more than
our last model, and I'm sure we
shan't fall out over that.

It's falling in I'm worried about.

(SID CACKLES)

No, no. I like your overall design,
Mr Coote.

Oh, thank you, sir.

May I get off now, please?

Of course, Miss Withering.
Thank you. You've been most patient.

Yes. Like Job on a monument.
And what a monument. Ha-ha!

We must make sure the catch
is strong enough to support the seat.

Do you mind if I try it, WC?
No, go ahead. Yes, do.

Yes. I don't think I could stand it
for more than half an hour.

It was hardly designed for a reading
room.

Look. Look at this. Very slender,
this pedestal, isn't it?

It's streamlined.

What for? Wind resistance? Ha-ha!

In any case, the thickness has
nothing whatsoever to do with the
tensile strength.

I hope you're right, Mr Coote.

I have had bitter experience of what
happens when one of these collapses.

Or rather my poor dear wife had.
Rest her soul.

I can assure you, sir, an elephant
could safely use that toilet.

Not without a much bigger bowl.
(CACKLES)

We can't afford to take any chances,
Mr Coote.

No. Dependability before beauty,
I always say.

Miss Withering, if you wouldn't mind.
Just one more time.

This time, my dear, come down on it
like a ton of bricks! Boom!

So far, so good.

Now, if you'd just bump up and down
a bit.

Excellent! Excellent!

Bump! Bump!

Things that go... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
..in the night. Ha-ha-ha!

One matching pair of what?

Beauts.
One matching pair of...

Eh?

Hello, Myrt, love.
Oh, hello, Vic.

How about it this afternoon, then?

Not standing up.

No, sitting down.
I've got these grandstand tickets.

The kick-off's at three o'clock.
It should be a special match.

Three o'clock! Ooh, how can we?
We'll be working till five thirty.

I wouldn't bet on that, if I were
you. And I'll take you out for a bit
of supper.

MYRTLE: Ooh!

Hello, Myrtle. Got a cup of tea for
me?

Sorry, Bernie. No more floor
service.

Eh? What do you mean no more floor
service?

New rule. Drinks only to be served
in the canteen during official
breaks.

Well, that's what I call taking
a diabolical liberty!

And that's something you know all
about.

Ha-ha!
Do you mind? Do you mind?

Don't you worry.
I won't let them get away with this.

That's all right, Vic.
I didn't really want a cup anyway.

Whether you want one or not is
beside the point.

This constitutes an infringement
of the workers' rights.

Uh-oh. Old tinder bottom's off again.
Another bloomin' strike, I suppose.

Oh, no. What's it for?

You know our Vic.
He never has known what it's for.

Ooh!
Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Boggs.

That's quite all right, Miss Plummer.
I should have sounded my hooter.

There he is. Old silver spoon. At it
again.

Oh, give over, Vic.
He can't help being the boss's son.

Privileged class, sitting on his...
That's what he is.

Privileged class? Do you know what
the girls call him? Pencil doings.

That's how privileged HE is.

Morning, all.

Morning, Mr Boggs.

I'd er... I'd like to see you for
a few moments, please, Mr Lewis.

All right. Make it quick, Spanner.
I'm already late for a meeting.

It has come to my notice that a new
rule has been introduced without
consultation with me,

as a shop steward, to the effect
that tea may no longer be served
outside the canteen.

Right. I made it.

Oh. Well, then. As the union's
appointed representative,

I wish to lodge the strongest
protest.

It is an infringement of workers'
rights.

Oh, come off it, Spanner.
I can show you right here.

What's that?
The NUCIE rule book.

Oh, I see. They're making rules about
that now?

N-U-C-I-E. NUCIE, Mr Lewis. The
Nation Union of Chinaware Industrial
Employees.

Oh, I beg your pardon. You know what
you can do with their rule book.

What's that?

Let me give you a clue.

These pages are just about the same
size as our toilet-paper holders.

Now do you get the idea?

Great, big, steaming, public-school
nit.

All right, everyone. You all heard
him.

Direct aggravation of a genuine
grievance.

Stop work.
Everybody out!

There you are. What did I tell you?

Meeting in the canteen in
10 minutes. Tell everyone, Bernie.

Right. Meeting in the canteen...
When was it? 10 minutes.

Meeting in 10 minutes' time...
Where was it? In the canteen.

Meeting in 10 minutes' time...
All right, they know!

Oh, excuse me.

Lewis, my boy. It's all right.

We're just discussing the new
Princess Beatrice suite. Come on in.

Oh, I see.

There we are. Please don't get up,
Miss Withering.

But I want to get up, Mr Lewis.

What do you think of it, my boy?
Rather elegant, wouldn't you say?

Yes. But I thought
we were going to modernise our stuff,

and I thought we were going
to include a bidet in our new range.

Oh, yes. I designed one, but
Mr Boggs sat on it.

On the idea, I mean.

I do not think bidets are quite us.

But, Dad, all our competitors are
making them.

I dare say, but I didn't think the
high cost of production coupled with
the limited demand...

Limited demand? But I told you about
that enquiry from abroad for 1,000
of them.

I know, my boy, but I don't think
that my dear grandfather would have
approved

of the name Boggs being associated
with such an article.

Oh, Mr Plummer. Can't YOU persuade
him?

Quite frankly, I don't see the use of
'em. It's easy enough to wash your
feet in the bath.

Bidets are not for washing your feet
in.

What else? Are they for dogs to drink
out of?

No.

(WHISPERS)

Get away. Well, if it's for that,
then, you can always stand on your
head under the shower.

Lewis. Lewis, my boy.

Shh. Can you hear anything?

No.

Neither can I.
Well, that's all right, then.

No, it's not all right. They've
stopped work.

(STONY SILENCE)

I tell you, brothers.

It is time we made a stand.

It is time the bosses learnt that
they can't mess the worker about.

What do you say?
Down with 'em!

That's right. Down with 'em.

It is up to us to show the bloated
bureaucrats

that they can't grind our faces in
the dust.

What do you say?
Down with 'em!

That's right. You see, brothers,

this issue isn't just over when
or when not you can have a cuppa.

Oh, no.

This ruling is another blow

aimed at the fundamental rights of
the worker! Hear hear!

It's another little prod at the very
vitals of your personal freedom.

I haven't noticed anyone prodding at
MY vitals.

Good for you, Chloe.

Ready for you any time, Chloe.

(LAUGHTER)
Yes. All right, then.

Yes. All right, then. Quiet, please.

Thank you, Mrs Moore.

But I seem to remember that you got
very upset

when they banned you women from
wearing trousers. What do you
say to that?

Down with 'em!

Cheeky, Bernie.

I didn't mean down with the trousers.

Anyway, brothers, I am now calling
for an immediate stoppage of work,

pending reinstatement of the tea
rounds.

Now, then, all those in favour,
raise your right hands.

Count 'em, Bernie.

Are YOU in favour?

Of course I am, you fool!

Oh, well, er...

Well, that makes two.

Well, that's that.

Mind if we get back to work, then?

Would you wait just one more minute,
please?

I would like to make one last appeal
to your reason and common sense.

I'll call for one more vote. And, in
doing so,
I would like you all to bear in mind

the fact that the Rovers
are playing at home this afternoon

and the kick-off's at three o'clock.

Right? All those in favour?

Count 'em, Bernie.

There we are.

Trouble.

Well, well, well. Never saw so many
people wanting to leave the room at
the same time.

(LAUGHTER)

I have to inform you, Mr Plummer.
It has just been decided by
a majority vote

that unless the tea rounds are
brought back,
there will be an immediate walkout.

Oh, yes. We're playing at home this
afternoon, aren't we?

You're not going to let them get away
with this? Leave it to me, Mr Lewis.

Now, look, Spanner.
Let's be sensible about this.

You know very well that our extra
tea rounds were laid on by the
management as a privilege.

So doing away with them
hardly breaks any union rules.

Ah. That's just where you're wrong,
and I quote...

Section M, page 154, paragraph 79b,
treatment of the workers.

'Action may be taken if at any time
the management fails to provide
adequate facilities

for catering to the workers' natural
needs.'

Natural needs? Drinking is a natural
need, is it not?

So is sex, but that doesn't mean
they have to lay on crumpet.

(SQUEALS OF LAUGHTER)

Very funny, Mr Plummer. Very funny.

We want to know if you are prepared
to reinstate the tea rounds.

You know very well I can't do that,
but, as works foreman,

I'll see that your complaint is
passed on to the management.
All right?

No, I'm afraid not.
We need a more positive guarantee.

Why don't we talk about it?
No! I'm damned if we will.

Mr Lewis, please!
No. Now, listen to me, all of you.

Oh, blimey.

You may not understand what it means,
but since I've been working in this
factory,

I have made a time and motion study.

I know what it means, Mr Lewis. And
if you've got the time, I've
certainly got the motion.

And don't think I hadn't noticed it,
Mrs Moore.

Especially in your main production
department.

Oh, you cheeky devil!

Anyhow, I'd like to try and show you
how it works.

She knows how it works. I promise
you.

Mr Lewis, we are evading the issue.

Are we or are we not going to get
what we want?

That's up to Mrs Moore.

I mean on the factory floor!

Not ruddy likely!

All right. That's enough fun.
Now, let's get down to business.

Sounds just like my old man!

All right, all right.

In this factory, 166 extra mugs of
tea are served in the average week.

Now, on the basis that one worker has
to make a trip to the toilet for
every pint consumed,

this means that he makes 16 trips in
one day.

Poor devil. He must have a weakness.

No, not quite, Mr Hulke. It means
that, allowing for an average time

of four and a half minutes
for each trip to the toilet,

72 minutes are lost in each day.

Which equals 15 hours lost
going to the toilet in one week.

You see?

So what is the answer?
Tie a knot in it.

Quite. But a less painful solution,
in my opinion,

was simply to cut out the extra tea
rounds. Doesn't that make sense?

Just one moment, please, Mr Lewis.

Am I to understand, then,
that the management want the workers

to stop going to the loo
when they want to?

I didn't say that exactly.

You just want to cut down on the
number of trips they want to make?

Well, yes. That's it. Exactly.

I thought so. It is a clear case of
restrictive practice.

Right into it.
Everybody out!

Fine mess I made of that.

It would have been simpler
to have done what they wanted.

I'm like you. I don't give in easily.

You'll have to, if you want them
back tomorrow. Yes, I know.

Well, it gives us a free afternoon,
anyway. Yes... Us?

We'll have a run out into the country
and something to eat at a little
pub I know.

Sorry, I'm busy. I'll pick you up at
the Odeon at half past two.

Lewis, it's no use.

And try not to be late. There's no
waiting there.

Ah, Spanner.

Thanks a lot. I thought we were going
to have to work this afternoon.

Eh?
Dead worried, I was.

But what about your loss of
production?

Who cares? Think of the wages we're
saving.

What's up with him, then? He's gone
potty.

On the contrary. I think he's
learning some sense at last.

Saving on the wages... Saving on the
wages...

What's he on about?

Anyway, are you all right for this
afternoon?

Oh, er...no, I don't think so.
Thanks, Vic.

I promised to help Mum with a few
things.

What, instead of the football?
Yeah. Funny girl, aren't I?

Oh, hey. She's gone potty an' all.

Saving on the wages...

Excuse the rush, but I've got a lot
to do. Bye.

Lot to do...

I wish I had a lot to do.

Don't we all? Thanks for the lift,
Sid.

See you down the pub tonight?

I doubt it. The lord and master is
home.

Then you'll have plenty to do.
You must be joking!

Fred is strictly a Saturday-nighter.

What a shocking waste.

Oh, get you. You never stop,
I suppose.

Only to fill my pipe.

(CACKLES)

That'll do, saucy.

Oh, hello, Fred.

Sid just gave me a lift home.

Uh-oh.
I hope that's all he gave you.

Fred... I thought you were having
a canteen lunch.

That little twerp Spanner
organised another walkout.

Another strike? How can I sell our
products if you don't make 'em?

What are you so surprised about?
It's only the 13th this year.

Cor. What's it all about this time?

I suppose you could call it
the take in and put out figures.

Take in and put out figures?

Technically known as the T and P
figures. (CACKLES)

Sid!

I'm glad you both find it so very
funny.

Yeah. There's always trouble at the
works.

We seem to be having it once a week,
as regular as clockwork.

I thought that's how you liked it.
Come on, Fred. I'll get you
something to eat.

I could do with a bit.
Spoken like a true man.

Come on.

That's all I need.

A face full of sodding knickers.

Eugh.

Nice Joey. Pretty Joey.

Pretty little boy, then.

Nice little boy, then.

Who's a nice little boy?

Say, hello, Mummy.

Hello, Mummy. Hello, Mummy. Go on.
Say it.

Hello, Mummy.

Look what Mummy's got for him.

A nice little toy.

A nice little toy for a clever little
boy.

Ta, Mummy. Ta, Mummy.

Ta, Mummy.
Gorblimey.

Can't you give that poor bleedin'
bird a rest?

It's the only way you can get him to
talk, chatting to them.

Chatting, yes. Not nagging him to
death.

We've had him nearly a year now.
He really ought to say something.

He would if he could get a word in
edgeways.

You've had me for 25 years
and I still have trouble.

If only he'd give a little chirp now
and then, that'd be something.

He really ought to make some sort of
noise.

How about some dinner?
Oh, no. He's got plenty to eat.

For me! Not for him.

Haven't you had anything, then?

No. Didn't Myrtle tell you
there's another strike on?

She rushed upstairs to wash her hair.
I wondered why she was home
lunch time.

Now you know, don't you?
Did you hear that, Joey?

All those naughty men are on strike
again.

Yes. Naughty men. Naughty men.

How about something to eat?
I've had something.

For me! For Pete's sake!

Oh!

Well, I could make you some beans on
toast, I think.

No. Nothing elaborate, thank you.

Mummy's just going to get Daddy some
din-dins.

And you'll be all right till I get
back? Will you, then?

Of course he'll be all bloody right.

What do you think he's going to do?
Chuck himself into his drink?

He doesn't like being left alone. It
upsets him.

And when he gets upset, he dirties
his cage.

She spoils you to budgery.

You know that?

(Crockery smashes)

What do you think your daddy's got
for you today, then?

A honey ring!

Yes!

What have you got to say to that,
then? Eh?

Ta, Daddy.

Ta, Daddy.

Come on, mate. You can talk to me.

Ta.

Ta!

My washing's all over the floor in
there.

Here, what are you doing to him?

Nothing.
Oh, yes, you are.

What's nasty Daddy been doing to
him, then?

Nasty Daddy just bought him a honey
ring, that's all.

Are you going to report me to the
RSPCA?

Oh. Did the nasty man buy him
a horrid old honey ring?

Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

How do you expect him to talk if you
keep stuffing him up with food?

One lousy honey ring
won't stop him from talking.

If I thought that, I'd have bought
you a crate of 'em years ago.

Oh. Never mind.

Mummy will take the nasty thing
away. There.

That cost me a pint of beer.
(CLANG)

Now look what's happened!
What? What?

Well, he's done something.

Here. Hold this.

Never mind, Joey.

Mummy will make it nice and clean
again.

Yes, she will. Little Joey.

(FRED BURPS)

He's after you, you know.

Eh? Who?

Sid Plummer.

What?

Oh, Fred, you must be joking.

What do you mean he's after me?

I can tell. You can't be a commercial
traveller without knowing when
a bloke's on the make.

I should know.
I mean, I've seen the others at it.

Just because he gives me a lift
home?

It's the way he looks at you.

Not that I can blame him.

You ask for it, flashing your legs
and...things

all over the place.
What?

Well, I mean, look at 'em. Like two
bald-headed convicts trying to
burst out of jail.

Fred, you're jealous.

Me? I wouldn't be seen dead
with a couple of things like that.

I mean, of Sid.

Don't you realise he's at a dangerous
age?

At that age, a bloke will try almost
anything.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I didn't mean that.

I get very worried about you,
me being away so much.

Fred, do you really think I'd want
to play around with anyone else

when I've got a smashing bloke like
you to play around with?

I...I know women.

When there's no prime beef handy,
they'll make do with any scrag end.

Well, then, you want to make sure
that there is plenty of prime beef
when I need it. Don't you?

Steady on. I've just pressed these
trousers.

Take them off, why don't you?
What, in the middle of the day?

I've got the rest of the day off.

Don't you realise, there's a time and
a place for everything.

Well, if you've got the time, I've
got the place.

What, before tea?

(ENGINE REVS) Thanks, Bernie. Want to
go to the game?

Eh?

Do you... Hello, Mrs Spanner. Are
you all right, then?

Shut up!

What did she say?
Turn that thing off.

Eh?
Turn it off.

Just a minute, I'll turn this off.
Now, what did you say?

Turn... Turn it off!

It is off.
I know it is.

Do you want a stand ticket for the
game? Yes, please.

All right. Pick me up at half past
two. And Vic...

I just want to say that I think you
handled the men marvellous.

Oh, yes. Well, er...it's just a
natural gift that,
you know, Bernie?

Some men are born
with the qualities of leadership.

I don't agree with what the blokes
are saying.

What's that, then?

That you're a miserable little
leader. Size has got nothing to do
with it.

I think you'd better get going.

And don't you worry, Vic.

(ENGINE REVS) They'll laugh the other
side of their faces...

when you're prime minister.

Good for nothing little sod. Just
like his bloody old father.

May he rest in pieces.

Well, well, well.
If it isn't my dear, sweet, old mum.

Don't come slobbering over me. I'm
busy. I'll tell you another thing.

Tell that half-witted giant if he
brings that motorbike round
here again,

I'm going to kick him where it
hurts. Mum, please.

This is a respectable and refined
neighbourhood. Don't forget it!

How can I, when you keep reminding
me of it so nicely?

Oh, shut up and sit down,

or you'll be late for your work.

Oh, er... We er...

Erm...we don't have to go back this
afternoon, Mum.

Eh? You've started another strike,
haven't you?

Haven't you? You have, haven't you?

The men had a grievance, and as
their appointed representative,

I could not let them be ground
underfoot. Crap!

Mum, please. I am working there
for the good of the workers.

You never did a day's work in your
life. You're like your father.

He was a victim
of the capitalist society.

Your father was a victim
of the gin-ridden society,

and if I hadn't taken in lodgers,
where would we be now?

I pay my way.

Oh, yes. I forgot about that.

Yes. I've been wondering
what I'd do with your £4 this week.

Take myself to the Bahamas, perhaps.

If me and my money aren't welcome
here...

Oh, sit down on your backside and
shut up.

If you spent more time sitting on it
and less time talking through it, we
might get somewhere.

Now, we've got to feed the poor,
bloody, hard-working strikers,
haven't we?

There you are.

Cold sausages.
What?

You're spoiling me, aren't you?
Giving it to me 15 times
in one week.

Coo-ee!

I'm in the dining room, Mr Coote.

Oh, hello.

There you are. Lunch is all ready.

Unless you want to wash your hands
first.

I can wait until after.
Thank you, Mrs Spanner.

Good. You sit here, Mr Coote.
Oh, yes.

I've put a clean napkin in your ring
for you.

Ooh! You're much too good to me,
Mrs Spanner.

Not at all. I'm only too glad
to have a real gentleman

in the house, for a change.

Ever since my poor dear husband
passed on, I've missed it, you know?

I'm sure you have.

How's Victor?

All right.

I've got your favourite today.
You haven't!

I have. Nice hot steak and kidney
pie.

Oh, dear Mrs Spanner.

You spoil me, you do.
Not at all.

You really do.

You a nice clean boy again, then?

What's he going to say? Ta, Mummy?

Ta, Mummy. Ta, Mummy.

Talk about a nonstop performance.

I thought he was going to talk.
His beak opened and closed.

No?
Yes.

Fancy that.

A bird opening and closing its beak.
We'll have to write to the
newspapers.

Well, it's a start. Generally, he
just sits there doing nothing.

He's a natural mimic. He's copying
you.

Say, hello, Mummy. Hello, Mummy.

Say, hello, Mummy. What's all this
stuff still left on the table for?

Are we having an exhibition?
Do you want me to clear it?

No, no, no. I can manage.

Say, hello, Mummy.

Hello. Go on.

Hello, Mummy.

Hello, Mummy.

I don't understand it.

Mrs Phillips' bird talked in three
months. Whole sentences.

Mind you, they weren't very nice
things it said.

They had to cover it up when the
vicar called.

Face it. He's a dead loss.
We should get rid of him.

No. He's company for me. That was the
whole idea of it, wasn't it, Joey?

You'd be company for me, wouldn't
you?

It's all right for you.
You go to work and enjoy yourself.

I'm here alone all day.

You'll be alone all night if you
don't shut up.

Do you mind? I'm trying to work out
my bets.

I wonder if he wants a little mate.

What would he want a little mate
for?

Give him something to do.

What?

Well, you know.

No, I don't know.

Birds and fishes have always been
a mystery to me. What do they do?

Don't be silly.

They...bill and coo.

What with?

Well, I don't have to go into
details, do I?

Blimey. Males and females all look
the same, don't they?

We can tell what we've got hold of,
but how the hell can they tell?

Well, we know Joey's a he bird,
don't we? Cock.

He is! The man in the shop said so.

Cock bird, not "he" bird.

It's all the same thing.

You wouldn't call yourself a cock
man, would you?

Opportunity would be a fine thing.

(ENGINE REVS)

Stop that row and get that thing out
of here!

Not so much noise!

(ENGINE REVS)

Not so much noise! My mum's there!

Go on, you great gormless lump!

(ENGINE ROARS)

Quite right, Mrs Spanner. It's
a disgrace.

You mind your own business.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you
were here, Mr Coote.

Oh, that's all right...

Agatha.

Has Victor gone?

Yes, Charles. We're all alone now.

Good. How about it, then?

Oh, I don't know. I really ought to
do the dishes first.

Oh, they can wait. Just a quick one.

I do find it very hard to say no to
you.

You know you like it just as much as
I do.

Very well. I'll draw the curtains.

Right.
Yes.

Cut for deal.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Ooh! What's the matter? Did you lose
something?

Oh, damn near.

Stay there!

Oh, so that's your game, is it?

Bernie, follow that car!

What car? That car! The one with
Myrtle in it!

Myrtle who?

Oh, come on. Get going.
Right. We're off!

What do you mean, me wasting time?

You never win anything on the
horses, do you?

How ignorant can you get?

I've told you. I work it out
scientifically. I study form.

Why don't you win sometimes?

Can I help it if they don't run
scientifically?

It doesn't seem right to me,
throwing that money away each day
and us going without.

Don't notice you going without
anything.

I wouldn't mind, if you could just
pick a winner every now and then.

You reckon you could do better, then?

I couldn't do much worse, could I?

All right. Let's see.

I'll read out the runners in the
Newmarket three o'clock. See if you
can pick the winners.

That's silly. We won't know the
winners until this evening.

No, no, no, this is yesterday's
racing.

Oh.
Here we go.

Anthony Watt. Jolmon. Carbia.
Cleopatra.

(CHIRPS)

Sid, did you hear that?

Yes. His very first chirp. How about
that?

Oh. It must have been one of them
words you read out.

What words? One of them horse's
names.

Cleopatra?

(CHIRPS)

There!
Yes.

Oh! Does he like that word, then?

Cleopatra. (CHIRPS)

Cleopatra. (CHIRPS)

Cleopatra. All right, all right.
Don't tire him out.

Oh, Sid. Isn't it exciting?

Yeah. Mind you, it's time he did
something else apart from dropping
good luck messages.

Oh. Right. Now, then. Where were we?

We don't have to go any further.

If that's what Joey liked, I'll pick
it. Cleopatra?

(CHIRPS) Yes.

It was a 10-1 shot. It had no chance.

I don't mind. Well, what won?

By three lengths - Cleopatra.

(CHIRPS) There you are. What did I
tell you?

You didn't pick it. The bloomin' bird
picked it.

Well, it won, didn't it?

Are you going potty? Just because he
likes the word.

What does he know about horses?

I don't know, but he's done better
in one race than you've done the
whole season.

But that's not the point, is it?

You're the one who said you could
pick 'em better than me, so let's
see you pick one.

I'll read you the 3:30 runners.

Diddy Ching.

Fast Day Boy.

Golden Gay.

Tiny Tim.

(CHIRPS) You keep out of this. Now,
where was I?

That'll do me. Tiny Tim.

(CHIRPS)
Just cos he chirped again?

Yes. Well, who won?

This is ridiculous. There's no reason
to it.

We can't all pick scientifically,
can we?

Well, who won?

Tiny Tim.

(CHIRPS)
4-1.

There you are. You see?

Now, are you satisfied?

Who's a clever boy, then?

Did he pick the winners for Mummy,
then? Shut up. Shut up a minute.

I want to try another one. I don't
feel like doing any more.

Not you, him. Now, listen, mush.

I'm going to read the runners of the
four o'clock.

Now, concentrate. Are you ready?

Right.

The Woozer.

X-Ray. Double Dwelling.

I'll see you. Two pairs.

Oh, dear. You've beaten me again.

I knew this was going to be my lucky
day.

Now, no looking. Oh...

Hello, Mrs Spragg. It's gone very
cold, innit?

Not surprising.

(FRONT DOOR CLOSES)

I thought I heard the front door.
So did I.

Victor! What are you doing without
your trousers on?

Well, you can talk, I must say.

Eh? What? Oh! Argh!

Polar Prince.

Silver Plate.

Pollyanna. (CHIRPS)

Well, did it?

Yes. He's picked the winner of every
single race yesterday.

He must have seen the results in the
paper.

That's it... What are you talking
about? He can't read, can he?

Well, how do you know? You didn't
even know how they made love.

He's getting information somewhere.

Where are you getting it? Come on,
talk. Talk!

Oh, don't be silly. You know he can't
talk.

You're quite right. Big, fat,
beady-eyed, useless lump.

Don't talk to him like that. And what
do you mean 'useless'?

He's picked all the winners this
afternoon.

After they'd run.

Fat lot of good that is. If he could
pick 'em before they...

I wonder. What's the time?

Half past three. I can be at the
betting shop by half past four.

Now, listen, genius. Listen to me.

Who's a nice fella, then? Who's
a big, handsome, clever lad?

What are you going to do to him?

Shut up a minute. I'm going to read
you the runners of the 4:30 at
Kempton today.

Now, relax. Think carefully.

Winners only. Here we go.

Family Steps.

Petticoat.

Peewit The Third.

(CHIRPS)
Peewit The Third?

(CHIRPS)

He's never even been placed. You
must be out of your tiny mind!

(CLANG) Oh! Now look what you've
done!

You made him dirty his cage again.

I'm not surprised. Peewit The Third.
(CHIRPS)

All right. I'll do it.

But I'm warning you, mate. If you're
wrong, I'll wring your bloody neck.

Oh, don't worry.

Mummy will wring Daddy's bloody neck.

It's all right. I'll go.

Oh, hello.
Excuse me, Mr Coote.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt your
dressing.

That's all right. I was just having
a game of cards.

Oh, yeah. I see.
Would you care to have a game?

Not just now, thank you. I'm hardly
dressed for it, am I?

Oh-ho! We'll soon get those off you.

No, thank you. Actually, I've come to
see Vic.

Oh, there he is.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I must
get back to it.

I thought I might find you back here.

Er...here's your trousers.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh. They'll be very useful, they
will, in case my legs ever have a
row and split up.

It wasn't my fault. You told me to
follow that car.

All right. All right. Did you?
What?

Follow the car.

Oh, yeah. I stuck to 'em like a
limpet. Where did they go?

They just drove around, then went
into a cinema.

Right, come on.

Good. If we hurry, we can make the
second half of the game.

We are not going to the football!
Oh.

NARRATOR: '..activities of the Koo
Koo islanders. There's no sight
quite so thrilling

as to watch them preparing their
evening meal.'

Is this the wonderfully interesting
film you heard about?

No, it's the one after this.

'Women are busily engaged in peeling
vegetables and cutting up the meat.

To do this, they use knives and other
kitchen implements.

Let us watch their nimble fingers at
work for a few moments.

A spectacle few white people have
been privileged to witness.'

Blimey. How much more of this?
Why don't you stop moaning?

Oh, that's choice, that is.

It was bad enough missing the
football

without spending six bob to come and
watch a bunch of idiots making an
Irish stew.

'And that is where we must bid a
reluctant farewell to Koo Koo
Island.'

He's got his arm round her now!

Who?
Lewis, of course.

ANNOUNCER: The film you are about to
see was refused a certificate

by the British Board of Film Censors,

but has been granted a showing by the
local council.

That sounds more like it.

I am a well-known and practising
doctor.

In the artistic and beautiful
picture, which now follows,

you will see naked men and women
engaged in the various arts of sexual
love.

This is by no means intended to
shock,

but purely and frankly to demonstrate
that the sexual act,

far from being something to be afraid
of,

is, in fact, a great joy and
pleasure, which can, and indeed
should,

be enjoyed by everyone.

First, let us familiarise ourselves
with the component parts of this, the
male body.

And this, the female body.

God, you don't miss a trick, do you?

Cor.

No, wait, Myrtle, please.

Come on, Bernie.

Come on. They're leaving.
Eh?

Come on.
Oh, no. Not now.

No.

Let us look at the number of
different ways in which we can bring
the two together.

Move. Come on.

Oh, no.

(CLANG)

ANNOUNCER: That's the line-up for the
last race at Doncaster. Tote
prices follow.

And here is the result of the 4:30 at
Kempton. First, Peewit The Third.

He did it! Hey, Benny.

Pound each way, 10-1.

Finally got yourself a good win, eh,
Sidney?

Congratulations.

(CACKLES)

(They've finished eating.)

I'm glad to hear that. That makes me
feel a lot better.

What's the matter with you?

Cor, stone me. You drag me away from
the football match. You drag me out
of the cinema.

You drag me 20 miles into the
country to watch them stuff
themselves

and then you ask what's the matter.

You didn't have to come out with me.

No, and I can't wait not to come out
with you tomorrow, either.

Listen, I'm not going to stand by and
watch that nit having it away with
Myrtle.

Why not? It's better than watching
them eating.

Look, I honestly didn't know it was
going to be that sort of a film.

What a day.

All it needs is for Dad to walk in
now to make everything perfect.

Oh, for heaven's sake. What's he got
against me, anyway?

Plenty, apart from the fact that
you're the boss's son.

Is that so terrible?
You should hear him on that subject.

Oh, charming. But what makes him
think I want to marry you?

Oh, he doesn't. On the contrary. He
had you weighed up from the start.

"I know all about blokes like young
Mr Lewis."

Oh, listen, Myrtle...
Yes?

Oh. Erm...another couple of those,
please.

I mean these, please.

If I were you, I'd have stuck to your
first request.

I fancy the fella with the ears.

BERNIE: Cor, did you see that
waitress?

I've never seen anything like that
before. Do you think that was all
real?

Of course. It's the only
qualifications you need for the job.
Big prospects.

That's nothing. In some places,
they're completely topless.

Cor, nothing?
Not a stitch.

I bet that's tricky when they serve
soup. It's a bit dodgy when they fry
chips.

If I say I'm sorry about the film,
sorry for being the boss's son,

and sorry for having such a lousy
reputation, could we start again?

And sorry for being on the make all
the time with me?

From now, just good friends.

I'll drink to that.

How about a dance? Is that within the
rules?

Yeah. Provided there's no dirty work
in the clinches.

Aye aye. He's got her on the floor
now.

What? In front of everybody?

I'm sorry. Lewis! Oh, hello, Roger.

I'm sorry I was put out today when
you called. That's all right.

It's all OK. You can use the old flat
tonight.

(ROGER CHUCKLES)

You, bastard!
Wait, Myrtle, please.

(SCREAMS)

Thank you, Joey.

Funny, but I don't seem to have seen
anything of young Mr Lewis since
we've been back.

Have you, Bern? No. Well, he's away.
That's what you told me.

That was a couple of weeks ago,
wasn't it?

I just wondered whether he'd left us
for any reason. Have you heard
anything, Myrt?

I couldn't care less what's happened
to him.

Ha-ha-ha! You dropped me in it
there. You didn't say it was a
secret.

Hello. Hello, Sid.

Sitting down on the job again?

Mr Plummer, I know my job. Nothing in
the rule book says I cannot do it in
a seated position.

I'll bet you say that to all the
girls.

Mr Plummer, if you want to bring
a specific charge against me...

No, no, no. Sit down. Enjoy
yourself. Relax. Go slow. Work to
rule, if you like.

There you are. Have a smoke as well.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting,
Fred. Come on.

BOGGS: Come in.

Hello, Dad.

Lewis, my boy. I didn't know you were
back.

We've got it. The Middle East
contract. Show him, Mr Moore.

If I may say so, Mr Boggs, it was
done in the face of very stiff
competition. Very stiff indeed.

Signed by His Highness, King Frauzi
of Aslam himself.

Really? Another crowned head to add
to our clientele. Excellent.

What's it for? Bidets.

Bidets!

Yes. 1,000 of them.
1,000 bidets!

One for each of his wives. There
mustn't be any favouritism, sir.

Are you mad?

We do not make bidets. It's high
time we started. You sign that.

I will not have my firm associated
with the manufacture of such a
dubious article.

Dad, we cannot afford to turn it
down. It's worth £19,000.

I don't...

19,000?

That's an awful lot of money. And
payment?

On completion of the order in two
months' time.

Two months?

Yes. That was the only snag.

They have to have them in time for
the feast of Abanibble, sir.

Abanibble?

That's right. When it's His
Highness's custom to visit each of
his wives in turn.

It only happens once a year.

I'm not surprised to hear it.

But we couldn't possibly complete
this order in two months. We haven't
even got a design.

Yes, we have. Mr Coote did one
months ago. Now, come on, Dad. Sign.

Oh, very well. I can't help feeling
I'm going into something I shall
regret.

You're looking very well this
morning, Mrs Moore.

Thank you, Doctor. Can I get dressed
again now?

Yes. While I put my eyes back in.
Another new suit?

I had a bit of luck on the gee-gees.

Again? You'll have to give me some
tips. I've got a good one for you.

Don't bend over in a tight skirt.
Ha-ha!

Saucy.

Refused you a bridging loan for a
measly 1,500? I don't believe it.

I'm afraid it's true. I hadn't wanted
to bother you with our financial
problems,

but the bank has been carrying us for
some years.

And now they're dropping us?
It seems so.

We'll just have to get out of that
contract. Excuse me, WC. How much do
you need?

I should think 1,000 would do.
Is that all? 1,000?

Don't bother with banks. I can let
you have that.

You can, Mr Plummer? I haven't got it
with me, but I can get it.

Let's see. We've got an hour till
the last race at Cheltenham.

Last race at Cheltenham?
That's right.

I'll have to move fast. I've got to
see a bird first.

A bird at Cheltenham?

You promised me you'd limit it to
two bets a week, so he didn't
overstrain himself.

Don't argue.

Read out the runners. All right.

But don't blame me if nothing
happens.

I'm sorry about this. It's nothing
to do with me, Joey.

I'm not the greedy one.

All right? Here we go, then.

4:30 at Cheltenham.

Bob.

Girlie.

Hard-To-Get.

Order Form.

Proper Charlie.

Sweet Sue.
(CHIRPS)

That's the one.

What's the betting?

18-1. That'll do.

18-1 on Sweet Sue.

£56 win bet.

That's exactly £1,026.

That's just what I make it, Benny.

Just what he makes it. Pints of
blood, I'm giving.

You'll get it all back.

What good is getting it back if I've
had a heart attack from paying
it out?

I'm sorry. You know I don't like
doing this.

YOU don't like doing this? I don't
like doing this. So why do we go on
suffering this way?

Just because I've had a bit of luck
for a change.

For a change, he says! For a change!

Have a look at this. It's all in
black and white in the ledger.

In the last three weeks, 11 winning
bets you've had.

£2,433!

You have taken from me!

I tell you what I'll do. Tomorrow
I'll come in here and I'll bet
the lot...

No, no, no. No more, Sid. It's
finished. Finished?

From now on, there's a limit on you.
£5!

What do you mean? What kind of a
sportsman are you?

What's with the sportsman? If I was
a sportsman, I'd be riding the
horses.

Ah, Mr Coote. I'd like you to show my
father your bidet design.

By all means, Mr Lewis. I have it
right here.

Yes, yes...if anyone has any use for
this sort of thing. Any idea of the
cost?

Well, after basic outlay on a new
mould and so on, about £7 each.

How about that, Dad? On this
contract, that could be worth
over 100% profit.

He's hit on this marvellous
labour-saving idea. Tell him, Mr
Coote.

It's quite simple. Instead of the
conventional arrangement of separate
hot and cold taps,

and waste control tap,

the whole thing could be done by one
simple control. Thus...

Hot, cold,

down the hole.

Drop everything!

Cut the switches!

(MACHINERY STOPS HUMMING)

Oh, blimey. Now what's happened?

Excuse me.

(ALL ARGUE AT ONCE)

All right! All right! All right!
What's the hold-up?

(ALL ARGUE)

One at a time. I'm sorry, Mr Plummer.

These men cannot put this fitting
onto those. Why not?

I stand to be corrected, but I think
I'm right in stating

this is a combined tap and
waste-pipe control.

That's right. What about it?
Whose job is it to fit it?

What are you talking about? Ernie can
do it. Of course I can, Sid.

Oh, no, because Ernie is a tap
fitter.

Willie can do it, then.

Oh, no, because Willie, as you well
know, is a waste-pipe fitter.

Right. They can both do it.

No. If a tap fitter does it, he's
doing a waste-pipe fitter's job.

If a waste-pipe fitter does it, he's
doing a tap fitter's job.

Does it matter, as long as they're
working? That's what I was saying.

If you'll pardon me, you don't have
a say. This is union business.

It is our union, innit? Exactly. And
you'll do as it bloody tells you.

Listen, under a redundancy
agreement... All right, we know all
about that.

But we're not making anybody
redundant.

These men are doing their own jobs
and each other's jobs in the same
time.

All right, Mr Spanner. What's your
solution?

It's not the union's job to give
solutions. You can say that again.

Just to show I'm not trying to make
difficulties,

if you was to scrap this fitting and
make two separate fittings...

Impossible. That basin was made for
that fitting.

That's typical. Isn't that typical?
I offer a solution and they start
making difficulties.

Hang on. I've got it. Suppose they
work together?

Ernie puts the fitting in the hole,
connects it to the pipe, then Willie
connects it to the outlet.

You're missing the point. You've
still got two men doing two men's
jobs in the same time.

Which is the same as one man doing
one man's job in half the time.

What's wrong with that? If every
worker did his job in half the time,

the country would be in a right old
mess.

Bernie.

Wait a minute. You can't bring 'em
out.

Until I acquaint the union general
secretary with all the facts, you
leave me no alternative.

Everybody out!

Come on, brothers. Keep the line
moving.

Messrs Wade, Ceramics Limited.

Dear sirs, with reference to our
meeting last January,

when you expressed an interest in
taking over this business,

I must now advise you

that I am in a position to consider
a favourable offer.

In the mean...
(GASPS) No...

I beg your pardon, Miss Withering.
I'm sorry, Mr Boggs, but I can't let
you give up.

I've no alternative. Two weeks of
this strike has finished us.

What is to become of me? I've given
my whole life to Boggs.

Oh, naturally, I shall arrange that
you be taken over with the firm.

But I don't want to be taken over.

I just want to carry on with you.

Of course, I do appreciate your
loyalty, my dear.

No, you don't. That's the trouble.
You never have appreciated me.

What? I've worked for you for 30
years.

And in all that time, have you ever
sat me on your knee,

or asked me to go away for a naughty
weekend? No!

Really, Miss Withering!

You've never even pinched my bottom!
Ooh!

I am not in the habit of interfering
with other people's seating
arrangements.

If you don't mind, we'll continue
with the dictation.

Oh, damn the dictation! I don't care
what you think of me any more,

but I'm not going to stand by and
watch you throw everything away
like this!

Miss Withering, you're pressing on my
keys!

Then, William, fight back. I'll be
at your side. I'll work for nothing.

We can do it, William. I'm sure we
can do it together.

I don't want us to do it together.

You've borne all this too long,
William. You've lost confidence.

All you need is a good prod.

Oh! I assure you, that is the very
last thing I need.

Lean on me, my dear. Take strength
from me. Together we'll see it
through.

BOGGS: Ooh-ooh!

Ooh!

Blimey, talk about the power game.

Oh!

(CACKLES)

Dad, I'm sorry we barged in on you
like that.

I had no idea you and Miss Withering
were...

We weren't and, what's more, we never
have.

It's just that she was upset, worried
about her future.

After all, she's not getting any
younger.

She's not getting any.

Yes. Well... Did you have any luck
with the union?

None. The Industrial Relations
Committee's come back from Rio all
right,

but the Action Committee's gone off
to Russia.

Well, I suppose that's that.

Why are there no pickets on the
gate? It's after nine.

BOGGS: Probably on strike too.

Dad, look!

BOGGS: I can't believe it.

They're coming back! I had a feeling
they would today.

Why today? It's the annual works
outing.

Yeah... Oh.

Well, I suppose we'd better get
ready, Mr Plummer.

Ready? For what? Dad, you're not
going with them.

Yes, I am, my boy. But why?

Because I have suddenly decided,
after all these years,

that what I've been missing is
a right good booze-up!

No Fred, then?

No. He's off on another sales trip.

(TUTS) What a pity. Today of all
days.

I know. I spent half the night
trying to talk him into
having it off.

I wouldn't have needed any
persuading.

I bet.

You've got nothing to worry about.

I shall be very happy to look after
you today. Oh, ta.

That'll be nice, won't it, Maud? Mr
Plummer's offered to look after us
today.

Oh, that'll be lovely, Mr Plummer.

Pleasure.

I was just saying to Chloe, it's not
much fun without a man.

You should know.
BOTH: Ooh!

You've never done it before?

No. Have you?

Oh, loads of times.
What's it like?

Well, my mate Vic arranges it all.

See, we get to Brighton about 12
o'clock

and then we have this slap-up meal,
serviettes an' all.

What do we do after?

Well, we can do anything once we're
there.

We can go on the pier. Eat winkles.
Throw stones in the water.

To be frank, Mr Coote, I've never
tried it.

Really, Miss Withering? Well, you've
certainly missed something.

I'm always ready to learn.
Oh. Well...

Er...it's a bit difficult to show
you here, but I can tell you how
it's played.

First of all, you deal out five cards
to each person, you see.

You know...

I can't think why I didn't notice
you at the factory before.

The day I got taken on, they all went
on strike.

You're lucky. I had to work three
weeks before I got one.

I'm on my own today, you know.

So I gathered, yes.

It's the best way. Why lumber
yourself with a bird going down to
Brighton?

It's like taking coals to Newcastle,
innit? If you say so.

Oh, yes. The place is full of spare.
The last time we went, we had to
fight them off.

Like flies, they were. Well, some
people attract them, don't they?

Just like dustbins.

Er, yeah. Yeah. I suppose so.

Look, if you're going to be on your
own as well, I wouldn't mind showing
you around.

Oh, thanks all the same, but I don't
think you ought to disappoint all
those poor flies.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Of course, I'd love to spend the day
with YOU, Vic.

Would you? Yeah.

Well, that's all right, then, innit?
Eh?

Come on, boys and girls. This is
where we're supposed to have lunch.
Follow me.

Lunch time!

Good morning.

Ah, good morning, brother. We are
the Boggs & Son's outing.

Oh, yes, and I'm sorry to tell you
this, but I'm afraid we can't
do you lunch.

Oh, no. I'm starving.

What? But I booked it...six weeks
ago.

Yes, I know and I'm sorry, but our
entire restaurant staff has gone on
strike.

Gone on strike? Well, they can't do
that.

Listen who's talking.

The bar's open and there are cold
snacks, but that's the best we can
offer you.

Well, that just isn't good enough.
Who do they think they are?

They're just a bunch of downtrodden
workers,

being exploited by an unscrupulous
management. You should know that.

What does it matter? A drink will do
me.

Hear hear. Cheer up, everybody. The
drinks are on me.

This way, sir, please.

Don't you worry. I won't let them
get away with this.

They are taking the bread out of the
poor workers' mouths.

There's nothing we can do about it,
Vic. No.

Of course there is. I am not going
to be pushed around by a bunch of
ruddy anarchists!

And I'm going to tell 'em. Come on.

Ah. Hey, you.

What's all this about you lot being
on strike?

That's right, mate. We are.

What about it, then?

Tell him, Bernie.

You're taking the bread out of the
poor workers' mouths. You don't say.

You're just a bunch of ruddy
anarchists.

Really? Who says so?

He does.

There you are, Mr Spanner. Just in
time for your drink.

Same again all round, please,
barman. Ah, there you are, Vic.

Well, we certainly told him, didn't
we?

# She'll be coming round the mountain
when she comes

# She'll be coming round the mountain
when she comes

# She'll be coming round the
mountain...

Myrtle, listen to me. Will you go
away and stop bothering me?

No, I damn well won't.
Now, then. Now, then.

You heard what Myrt said. So buzz
off.

If you don't get out of the way,
I'll knock your head off.

Yes?
Yes.

Bernie.

Now, now, Mr Lewis, we don't want no
trouble. No? Who's going to stop it,
then?

Me, if I have to.

All right. Go on, then. Go on. Try
it, then! Try it!

All right, but don't say I didn't
warn you.

Now you've really done it.

Oh, for God's sake.

# Singing aye aye yippee, yippee
aye...

Gosh, I am sorry, Vic. Are you all
right?

# Singing aye aye yippee,
aye aye yippee

# Aye aye yippee, yippee aye! #

Oh, splendid! Splendid! Let's have
more drinks!

Oh, no! Come on. Let's go for a
walk.

There's a smashing front here.

There's a smashing one there an' all.
(SQUEALS) Saucy!

I know! I know! Let's all go on the
pier and have a winkle.

You can have one here, just through
that door.

Oh! Ha-ha! No, let's go on the pier.

VIC: Come on, man. Come on.

Look. The hall of mirrors.

We have a lot of conferences down
here.

There's nothing to it. I'll show
you.

It looks quite easy. Let's all have
a go.

Hey! Hey! Watch it!

One in my pipe.

(CRASHING AND CLATTERING)

Come on, then. (CACKLES)

Skinheads!

BOGGS: Ha-ha-ha! That showed him.

Ah!

There's something I want to have a
go at. Come on, then.

Hold it. Hold it. Perfectly still.
I'm going to take it...

now!

BERNIE: How was that?

VIC: Beautiful, Bern, beautiful.

Come on, Vic. Let's have a go on the
mat.

What? In front of everybody?

Oh, you mean the helter-skelter.

Yeah, come on.

Hey, Bernie! We're going on the
helter-skelter.

Come along, now. You've had enough.
You've got to have something to eat.

Now, one moment!

There was a young fellow called Reg,
who went with a girl in a hedge.

When along came his wife, with a big
carving knife,

and cut off his meat and two veg.

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

Ya-hoo!

Whoo!

Yahoo!

Whoo!

Oh, Vic, darling,

I've not had so much fun in all my
life.

Thanks.

Ah! Whoo!

BERNIE: We are the champions!

Oh, what was that digging in me?

It was only my camera.

Mr Boggs, I've found a
fortune-teller. Shall we try it?

Fortune-teller, certainly not! Waste
of money! Fakes, that's all they
are!

Sitting, looking at their
crystal...whatsitsname? Balls.

I quite agree. Absolutely
ridiculous.

I don't mind having a go. I love
them.

You do? Come on, then. Let's have a
bash.

Never mind, Miss Withering. Have a
cockle. Much better for you.

Oh, do you think I ought to?

I mean, I've heard that shellfish do
very strange things...in a sex way,
I mean.

Really? Ooh, let's watch 'em for a
bit, then.

Anybody home?

Look. Gone to lunch, back in the near
future.

The foreseeable future, I hope.
Ha-ha!

We'll come back later.
Wait a minute.

I've got an idea. Hang on.

But I don't want my fortune told! I
already told you! I don't
believe in it!

You will, this one, Mr Boggs. She's
marvellous. Go on. Be a sport.

Oh, all right, then. Go on, then.
In you go.

Oh!

Excuse me, dear. Customers.

I know. I saw you coming.
I beg your pardon?

In the ball. Ah, yes. You are indeed
in need of help. Please be seated.

Oh, thank you. Come along, dear.

Now, then, do you wish me to
prognosticate?

Oh, please do. We'll wait. Ha-ha-ha!

Please, I must have absolute silence
to establish contact.

(CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY)

Shhh.

Ah. The mists are clearing.

I see a picture forming.

All around you are strange-looking
objects.

White and shining.

Tell me, do lavatories play a big
part in your life?

What? Why...yes.

They do, as a matter of fact.

I thought so. You are a cloakroom
attendant.

Certainly not. I manufacture them.

I have a factory.

I see a picture appearing.

The factory is about to stop and
fall into ruin.

Oh, no! Unless...
What?

There is a woman who loves you.

Her name begins with...

..W.

Is it Widdling?

Withering. Miss Withering.

Withering. That's it.

Your affinities will be closely
entwined.

Don't be disgusting.

I see...

a marriage.

And one, two, three...14 children.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

No! William. Come back.

William!

(CACKLES)

Not bad.

Do you want to do me now? Not half.
Let me get these things off first.

(POP!)

Ooh!

William!

William, come back!

William!

(GHOST TRAIN SIREN)

Excuse me.

(GHOST TRAIN SIREN DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(SCREAMING)

Hey! Switch it off! Switch it off!
My girl's in there!

Let me go!

Let me go!

No. Not until you listen to what
I've got to say.

Oh!

Now, do you see this? No, I don't.

What is it, anyway?

It's a special marriage licence.

What?

A special marriage licence, my
darling.

Now, do we use it or do I tear it
up?

Oh.

Lewis.

Darling.

Here. You leave her alone.

Do you hear? Put her down!

Oh, no. Excuse me a minute, darling.

(PUNCHES THUD)
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Blimey, they're supposed to be here
at 6:30. Where do you think
they've got to?

Search me. What do you suppose
happened to old Myrtle?

I don't know and what's more, I don't
care.

Ooh! What's this coming, then?

(Laughter)

BOGGS: Oh, naughty. SID: Come on,
then, ladies. Off you come.

BOGGS: Come on!

(DRUNKEN LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(GUSHING AND TRICKLING)

(HICCUPS)

Looks like Fred's not home yet. No
car.

No, he said he probably wouldn't be
home till tomorrow night.

Oh. It's a shame, innit?

Looks like Beattie's asleep.

Good. Eh?

I mean, erm...good for her.

Chloe. Oh, blimey, Chloe.

Yes, Sid?

Nothing.

I think we ought to go to bed. Our
beds, I mean.

Yeah, I suppose so.

I would have liked to ask you in for
a cup of tea.

You would? But you know how the
neighbours talk.

Yes, that's true.

And I suppose you couldn't come in
with me at this time without
someone seeing us.

I suppose not.

Not that we'd be...doing what they
might think we'd be doing.

Oh, no. No. Of course not.

But, of course, if Fred did get to
hear about it...

Yes, that's quite right.

Not worth it, really. Not just for
a cup of tea.

Oh, well.

Good night, Sid.

Night. Sleep tight.

Tight is the word.

Bloody neighbours.

(SNORES GENTLY)

Mr Boggs. Tea.

(SNORES GENTLY)

WC. Tea.

Thank you.

Very nice...

Miss Withering. What are you doing
here?

This is my room, Mr Boggs.

Oh, I see.

What?

Then what am I doing here?

Well, I'm afraid you were in no fit
state to look after yourself,

so I had two of the men bring you up
here. Oh, well.

That was very thoughtful... Oh.
I beg your pardon.

I didn't realise they'd undressed me
as well.

They didn't.

You mean you...

Don't worry. I know what a man looks
like, you know.

And you're not all that much
different.

Miss Withering, erm...

Yes?

Did we get off... Did I get off?
Straight to sleep, I mean.

Don't you remember, William?

No, I don't.

Then that is something we shall
always be wondering about.

Isn't it?

(GIGGLES)

Charles!

Charles!

Oh, hello.

Get up and come inside at once.

(SNIFFS)

You've been drinking, haven't you?

Well, you see, Agatha, I had some
rather bad news.

I don't give a damn, and I may as
well tell you, Charles Coote,

that I married one drunk and I'm
damned if I'm going to marry
another.

That was the bad news, Agatha.

You see, I'm afraid we won't be able
to get married now.

What do you mean? What are you
talking about?

Because Mr Boggs is going to close
down the works and that means I shall
be out of a job.

Close down the works, why?

Because of the strike.

I knew it.

It's that little sod Victor's fault.

He's at the back of all this. But
I'll tell you something.

I'm not going to let that little
swine mess up my life!

All right, brothers, we have got to
keep a full picket line today.

Cos I have heard that some of the men
want to come back to work.

Oh, do they? If they want to, how
are we going to stop 'em?

Force!

Whatever happens, we have got to
stand firm!

Can I have the cricket bat? I don't
know how to play tennis.

(PHONE RINGS)

All right, William, I'll take it.

Thank you, Miss Withering.

Now, William. Oh, I beg your pardon.
Hortense.

That's better.

Boggs & Son.

Mr Boggs' personal secretary
speaking.

Oh, it's you, Mr Lewis. Yes, he's
here.

Hello, Lewis, my boy. I apologise for
not getting home last night.

Yes, I got laid up...erm held up.

That's funny. I was going to say the
same to you.

No, no. There's nothing wrong. Far
from it.

The fact is, I got married.

Married?

Yes, that's right. To Myrtle.
Myrtle Plummer.

Does her father know? That'll be
a surprise.

I know it's a surprise, but I had to
marry her.

No, no, no. I mean it was the only
way.

No, we booked into a hotel. We've
been driving all night, you see, and
we want to get to bed.

At long last he said, under his
breath.

You can say that again.

'No, not you, Dad. I was speaking to
Myrtle.'

Do you mind if I don't come back to
work for a few days?

Not at all, my boy. Take all the time
you want.

I've decided to take up Moore's offer
for the firm, anyway.

Thanks, Dad. I knew you'd...

You've what?

You can't do that, Dad!
(LINE GOES DEAD)

Oh, no. No.

I've got to stop him.

Well, here I am at long last,
darling.

Get dressed as quickly as you can.

What? We've got to get back. I'll
explain later.

Something important's come up.
But won't it keep?

Oh, I do hope it will.

Excuse me, WC. Have you seen my
daughter this morning?

Your daughter, Mr Plummer, no.

She left Brighton with your bloomin'
son and she hasn't been home
all night!

I wouldn't worry about that, Mr
Plummer.

Your daughter Myrtle has always
commanded great admiration and
respect

and I'm sure Lewis will see that she
gets it.

That's what I'm afraid of. Listen to
me, WC.

(CLAMOUR)
What's that?

Let's go and see.

SID: Hello. Looks like a showdown.

(ANGRY SHOUTING)
Now, listen!

We are on official strike, pending
confirmation.

So, until then, there will be no
return to work!

What's the point in our going on with
the strike if it means Boggs has to
close down?

That is neither here nor there,
brother.

So why don't you... go home and stop
making trouble.

Us making trouble?

All we want to do is an honest day's
work.

All we want to do is... All we
want...

Listen, brother, bolshie talk like
that got this country in the mess
it's in today.

Now, listen, fellas, the last thing
that we want is any violence.

So at the first sign of anything,
don't argue.

Don't get involved.

Bash 'em!

Oh, well, we might as well go home
again. (MUTTERING)

That's it, then. I don't reckon
we'll have any more trouble now.

I don't know about that. Just look at
this lot.

Blimey. My old woman's there.

LADS: And mine.

Stop! Mum? What are you doing here?

I've come to knock some common sense
into that moth-eaten brain of yours.

Please, Mum, not in front of
everyone.

Ah, now you're ashamed. And so you
should be.

Now, then. Shift your arse out of
the way and let these good people in
to do their work!

I must warn you ladies that this
strike is quite legitimate.

That's more than they say about you.

I must ask you all to disperse
peacefully.

Disperse, crap. Now, are you going
to get out of the way, or do I have
to make you?

We must stand firm on our principles.

Oh, yeah?

It is the democratic right of every
worker to do whatever he likes.

We must stand firm... Ah, shut up!

It is a democratic... Shut up! Give
me that, you little squirt!

Mum, please! Go on! Come here!

Now, then. This is what I should
have done years ago!

Mum! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Mum!

Oh, Mum! Ow!

Will somebody open those damned
gates?

Thank you, ladies.

Sorry about that row, Mr Boggs, but
we thought you might need a little
help.

We'd like to come back to work, if
that's all right.

I can't tell you how much I
appreciate this moving gesture.

Such a wonderful display of loyalty.

Cut the cackle and let's get on with
the work.

Well done, Beattie. All right, you
can go home now.

But I thought I'd stay on for a bit,
Sidney. Make a change for me.

Stay on? Yeah.

Oh, all right, then. Come on.

Come on!

Oh, brothers! Brothers, you're not
going to let a bunch of women tell
you what to do, are you?

Don't they always?

Oh, no! Don't let's give in like
this, brothers!

Be firm! Be firm! Make a stand! Has
it all been for nothing?

There are alternatives, you know!

Bernie, don't just stand there. Do
something!

Well, I don't know about you blokes,
but I'm not going to let any woman
take my job.

Now, then, come on. Let's get back to
work.

All right, then! All right, then!
Go back to work! See if I care!

Don't expect me to join you! Nothing
on earth would get me back
in that place!

Nothing on earth, I tell you!

Excuse me, but they sent me from the
exchange.

I'm the new canteen girl. Can you
tell me where I go?

Oh, yes. I was just going in myself.
I'll show you where it is.

Yes, we've got a lovely pair of
canteens here.

And a nice lot of people. You'll
like them. They're very nice.

LEWIS: What's going on?

Chloe, about last night, you know,
when you asked me in for a
cup of tea.

What about it, Sid?

I'd like you to know that I wanted
it badly.

The tea, I mean.

It's a bit late for that now, isn't
it?

No, no. There must be another
chance, surely?

Next year maybe?

Even sooner perhaps.

Hello, Beattie.

Getting on all right, then?
Oh, yes. Lovely.

I've been thinking, I think I'll take
a permanent job here.

You'll what?

Well, it seems much more sensible
than sitting at home talking to a
silly bird all day.

Well, I don't know. There's no harm
in talking to a bird, really.

Oh, well, you should know.

Here you are, dear.

And anyway, I could come on the
outings with you, couldn't I?

Yes. That's right.

What do you want?

Well, I'm still employed here, aren't
I? That is unless you want
to fire me.

Supposing I did? That would be
victimisation.

Oh, no, you don't. Go on. Get
working. Right.

But I want it clearly understood, I'm
only doing so under protest.

Knickers!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Better now, Maudie? Oh!

Oh, Mr Plummer! Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

Myrtle, where the hell have you
been?

Now, now, Dad. Before you sound off,
it's all right.

We're married. Married?

That's right. Mr Plummer. I hope you
don't object, Dad.

'Dad'? Don't object? My daughter
marries into management, you ask me
if I object?

Of course I object!

But that's absurd. You're management
yourself.

How dare you insult me like that!
I'm works foreman and don't you
forget it!

Didn't my dad tell you, then?
Tell me what?

In return for all the financial help
you gave him, he's having you made a
director.

Director? Yes.

Oh, no! No! I'm a worker!

I don't want to sit on my big fat...

Come on, Lewis. I think we'd better
go.

I'll kill that bloody budgie!

Here, Vic. There's no paper in that
loo.

What was that, Bern?

I just said there's no paper in that
toilet again.

Well, well, well. There's a
situation.

Bernie. Yeah?

Don't just stand there.
Right, I know.

Nip out and buy a couple of rolls.

Hey, hey. Good lad.

Come on, you lot. Don't hang about.

Carry on working.

subtitles by Deluxe