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1
00:00:47,268 --> 00:00:49,099
Thank you. Thank you very much.
2
00:00:51,068 --> 00:00:52,103
Now, er...
3
00:00:52,908 --> 00:00:54,102
good evening.
4
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:57,104
Good evening. Good
evening. Good evening.
5
00:00:57,508 --> 00:00:59,548
Good, to some extent,
evening, ladies and gentlemen,
6
00:00:59,588 --> 00:01:02,261
and welcome to
tonight's programme.
7
00:01:02,388 --> 00:01:05,061
As some of you are
probably aware,
8
00:01:05,228 --> 00:01:08,026
the political and sexual
climate in this country
9
00:01:08,108 --> 00:01:11,623
has led to many large
institutions, like the BBC,
10
00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:14,586
being forced to look
elsewhere for their funding.
11
00:01:15,188 --> 00:01:16,701
Fun-ding.
12
00:01:17,628 --> 00:01:20,984
And we are particularly
excited here to be able to say
13
00:01:21,068 --> 00:01:25,858
that this show comes to you in
association with Tideymans Carpets.
14
00:01:26,708 --> 00:01:30,542
Tideymans carpets resist
stains and repel spills.
15
00:01:31,068 --> 00:01:33,119
They're regarded as a
major step forward in the
16
00:01:33,143 --> 00:01:35,619
history of business
sponsorship of the arts.
17
00:01:35,708 --> 00:01:37,460
Only Tideymans can do this.
18
00:01:38,108 --> 00:01:42,738
But we don't want you to run away thinking
that in any way our editorial independence
19
00:01:42,828 --> 00:01:46,537
has been compromised here at A
Bit of Fry and Tideymans Carpets.
20
00:01:49,508 --> 00:01:50,907
Bet you can't eat three.
21
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,417
So without any further ado,
22
00:01:54,508 --> 00:01:57,261
here is the first item
in tonight's programme.
23
00:01:57,348 --> 00:02:00,579
And it's called quite simply,
"The spillage that wasn't."
24
00:02:07,748 --> 00:02:09,261
Shut the door, Rufus, old scout.
25
00:02:09,348 --> 00:02:10,667
Oh, righto, Pater.
26
00:02:10,748 --> 00:02:12,227
Fancy a quick hundred up?
27
00:02:12,308 --> 00:02:13,946
Oh, absolutely, Governor.
28
00:02:14,388 --> 00:02:16,618
Ladies won't miss us
for half an hour, right?
29
00:02:16,708 --> 00:02:17,857
Rather not.
30
00:02:18,508 --> 00:02:20,180
- I'll break off.
- Mmm.
31
00:02:23,388 --> 00:02:27,461
Nice girl, this Helena.
32
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:30,346
Oh, damn, hell and custard.
33
00:02:30,468 --> 00:02:32,584
Yes, she's a ripper,
Father, an absolute ripper.
34
00:02:32,668 --> 00:02:34,306
Yes, yes.
35
00:02:34,428 --> 00:02:37,226
Good, erm, good set
of breasts to her.
36
00:02:37,388 --> 00:02:38,787
Oh, yes.
37
00:02:39,148 --> 00:02:41,423
Fine curving arse.
38
00:02:41,508 --> 00:02:43,942
- Yes, she has got a nice arse, hasn't she?
- Mmm.
39
00:02:45,068 --> 00:02:49,300
The thing is, Rufus, old scout.
40
00:02:49,428 --> 00:02:51,817
Erm, you getting
married and so on,
41
00:02:51,908 --> 00:02:55,025
I thought it was time we raised
this whole subject of women.
42
00:02:55,188 --> 00:02:56,507
Oh, blimey.
43
00:02:56,988 --> 00:03:00,025
Are you expecting
to have children?
44
00:03:00,188 --> 00:03:04,101
- Oh, I should say so, Pater, yes.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.
45
00:03:04,828 --> 00:03:08,616
Now, I haven't raised this
subject with you before, Rufus,
46
00:03:09,308 --> 00:03:12,664
but have you ever wondered
how you came to be born?
47
00:03:13,868 --> 00:03:17,383
Oh, well, I just sort of
assumed, Pater, you know,
48
00:03:17,468 --> 00:03:20,380
that one day you put your
penis inside Mama's vagina
49
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,299
and inseminated her ovaries.
50
00:03:24,828 --> 00:03:29,743
Yes. Yes, that is what
we told you, isn't it?
51
00:03:31,468 --> 00:03:35,586
The thing is, Rufus, it's actually
a spot more complicated than that.
52
00:03:35,788 --> 00:03:37,221
- Complicated?
- Hmm.
53
00:03:37,548 --> 00:03:42,144
Yes, I'm afraid all that stuff about
penises was just a lot of old pretending.
54
00:03:42,748 --> 00:03:44,818
So... So, what exactly...?
55
00:03:45,708 --> 00:03:49,303
Well, it's not easy,
this, you know?
56
00:03:49,468 --> 00:03:51,698
- Well, have a stab at it, Pater.
- Hmm.
57
00:03:51,788 --> 00:03:54,382
Erm, I know.
58
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,896
Stroke the table.
59
00:03:56,748 --> 00:03:58,659
- Stroke the table?
- Stroke the table.
60
00:04:00,828 --> 00:04:02,147
Is this strictly
relevant, Pater?
61
00:04:02,228 --> 00:04:04,822
Come on, man. What
does it remind you of?
62
00:04:05,708 --> 00:04:07,903
- Billiard table.
- And?
63
00:04:08,108 --> 00:04:09,302
Well, nothing.
64
00:04:09,668 --> 00:04:11,420
- Unless, you mean...?
- Go on!
65
00:04:11,508 --> 00:04:15,945
Of course, the lush, velvety
texture of a Tideymans carpet.
66
00:04:16,028 --> 00:04:18,098
Good man! I knew you'd
get there in the end.
67
00:04:18,988 --> 00:04:23,425
Pater, how does having a Tideymans
carpet help you to have children?
68
00:04:24,028 --> 00:04:26,337
Are you completely stupid?
69
00:04:26,828 --> 00:04:27,863
Yes.
70
00:04:29,508 --> 00:04:33,387
If you haven't got a Tideymans
carpet, you can't do any kissing,
71
00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:35,584
and kissing makes babies.
72
00:04:36,268 --> 00:04:38,145
But, Pater, I still
don't understand.
73
00:04:38,228 --> 00:04:41,618
How does a Tideymans
carpet help you to snog?
74
00:04:41,708 --> 00:04:43,460
Think, you jillock.
75
00:04:44,028 --> 00:04:47,338
Of course! Sucking
a Tideymans carpet
76
00:04:47,428 --> 00:04:51,899
removes the stale unpleasant mouth odours
that stop others from Frenching you.
77
00:04:51,988 --> 00:04:53,216
Quite right.
78
00:04:53,388 --> 00:04:56,061
- I got it in one, eh, Pater?
- Hmm.
79
00:04:57,668 --> 00:05:00,387
Now, wrap your laughing
gear round this
80
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:03,187
and then wrap it round Helena.
81
00:05:03,788 --> 00:05:05,779
Just you try and stop me, Pater.
82
00:05:09,188 --> 00:05:11,941
Ah, that's my boy.
83
00:05:13,508 --> 00:05:15,180
Well, I was born Mary Patterson,
84
00:05:15,268 --> 00:05:17,782
but then I married, and naturally
I took my husband's name,
85
00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:19,779
so now I'm Neil Patterson.
86
00:05:20,228 --> 00:05:23,284
I said, "Well, if God loves me, he's got
a funny way of showing it, hasn't he?"
87
00:05:23,308 --> 00:05:25,264
That's shut him up,
Pope or no Pope.
88
00:05:25,948 --> 00:05:31,102
Now, it may not be a very
popular or fashionable view,
89
00:05:31,188 --> 00:05:34,897
but I do believe that everyone should
be forced to wear flared trousers.
90
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,937
Hello, Control, I
was just wondering...
91
00:05:41,788 --> 00:05:42,788
Oh.
92
00:05:55,988 --> 00:05:58,024
Hello, this is the
Secret Service.
93
00:05:59,708 --> 00:06:03,337
No, I'm afraid Control's not in at
the moment. Who is this, please?
94
00:06:03,668 --> 00:06:05,579
Ah, hello, Mrs Control.
95
00:06:05,828 --> 00:06:07,898
No, I don't know where he is.
96
00:06:08,028 --> 00:06:09,177
Yes, it's very strange.
97
00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:11,623
I just popped in to ask him
if he'd like a cup of coffee
98
00:06:11,708 --> 00:06:14,745
because it's nearly 11:00,
and there's no one here.
99
00:06:15,788 --> 00:06:19,827
I agree with you, Mrs Control,
that he'll probably turn up. Bye.
100
00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:24,382
Hello, Tony.
101
00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:27,198
Ah, Control,
I was just beginning to worry.
102
00:06:27,223 --> 00:06:28,163
Oh?
103
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:31,305
Yes, Mrs Control has just
been on the telephone.
104
00:06:31,548 --> 00:06:35,302
And between me and Mrs Control, neither
of us seem to know where you were.
105
00:06:35,388 --> 00:06:37,379
Well, let me explain, Tony.
106
00:06:37,708 --> 00:06:39,619
But before I do that,
107
00:06:39,708 --> 00:06:43,860
let me ask you if you notice
anything unusual about the office?
108
00:06:44,508 --> 00:06:45,702
The window.
109
00:06:45,788 --> 00:06:49,576
Of course, the window always used
to be slightly further to the left.
110
00:06:51,228 --> 00:06:53,105
Not quite, Tony.
111
00:06:53,188 --> 00:06:55,861
Oh, it was a bit of
a guess, actually.
112
00:06:56,348 --> 00:07:00,102
I do remember that we did
talk about moving the window,
113
00:07:00,188 --> 00:07:04,864
but, if you recall, I asked you to make
a feasibility study into the whole thing,
114
00:07:04,948 --> 00:07:07,337
but I then had to make the
rather difficult decision
115
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:10,659
that that particular game
just wasn't worth the candle.
116
00:07:10,748 --> 00:07:14,707
What's actually different about the
window, Tony, is that it's open.
117
00:07:15,308 --> 00:07:16,661
So it is, Control.
118
00:07:16,748 --> 00:07:20,343
Is this in some way connected to your
not having been in the office earlier on?
119
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,580
Yes, you see, I fell
out of the window.
120
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,749
Gosh, Control,
I can only say how sorry I am
121
00:07:29,773 --> 00:07:31,857
and ask whether you
were hurt in any way.
122
00:07:31,948 --> 00:07:35,577
To my surprise, Tony, I was
not hurt in any way at all.
123
00:07:35,668 --> 00:07:37,624
Well, that is something
of a blessing.
124
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:38,902
Yes, that's right.
125
00:07:38,988 --> 00:07:41,404
Because one of the other things about
being Control, I've always thought,
126
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,386
is that your office
is on the sixth floor.
127
00:07:44,588 --> 00:07:46,444
So that in the event of
something like this happening,
128
00:07:46,468 --> 00:07:48,504
you have got slightly
further to fall
129
00:07:48,588 --> 00:07:50,295
than if you were in the Records department,
130
00:07:50,319 --> 00:07:52,581
who are located on the
first floor of this building.
131
00:07:52,948 --> 00:07:56,304
Very similar thoughts were
going through my mind, Tony,
132
00:07:56,428 --> 00:07:59,898
as I travelled towards the
pavement with gathering speed.
133
00:08:01,268 --> 00:08:04,977
But, Control, how did this
whole sorry business come about?
134
00:08:05,228 --> 00:08:08,265
Well, Tony, I've got
a confession to make.
135
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:10,658
You see, one of the
things I like to do
136
00:08:10,748 --> 00:08:13,467
before you very kindly
bring me my morning coffee
137
00:08:13,548 --> 00:08:16,699
is to feed the pigeons who
perch on the windowsill.
138
00:08:16,948 --> 00:08:18,984
Control, I can't say I'm
altogether surprised.
139
00:08:19,068 --> 00:08:22,617
There had been some rumours
in the canteen to that effect.
140
00:08:22,708 --> 00:08:27,304
Well, I'm glad to be able to silence
those wagging tongues once and for all.
141
00:08:27,388 --> 00:08:29,379
I do feed the pigeons,
142
00:08:29,468 --> 00:08:33,507
and it was while doing so this
morning that I fell out of the window.
143
00:08:34,268 --> 00:08:36,657
Control, I think I
can picture the scene.
144
00:08:36,868 --> 00:08:38,904
Here you were at the window,
145
00:08:38,988 --> 00:08:41,058
so engrossed in
what you were doing
146
00:08:41,148 --> 00:08:43,821
that you neglected
not to fall out of it.
147
00:08:44,348 --> 00:08:45,827
Am I pretty near the mark?
148
00:08:45,908 --> 00:08:47,819
- Spot on, Tony.
- Hmm.
149
00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:51,742
Well, I'll tell you another thing, Control,
that's resulted from this adventure.
150
00:08:52,148 --> 00:08:55,265
It's past 11:00 and you've
not had your coffee.
151
00:08:55,348 --> 00:08:57,987
Oh! It never rains but
it pours, eh, Tony?
152
00:08:59,548 --> 00:09:04,463
Yes, Control, but quite often it
rains and pours at the same time.
153
00:09:05,468 --> 00:09:08,380
Uhn. Tell you what, Tony.
154
00:09:09,068 --> 00:09:11,536
On your way to the
coffee-making area,
155
00:09:11,628 --> 00:09:16,144
perhaps you could ask Valerie
kindly to pop outside and apologise
156
00:09:16,228 --> 00:09:20,141
to an old lady who was selling
flowers outside the main entrance.
157
00:09:20,228 --> 00:09:21,741
I'll certainly do that, Control.
158
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:25,184
Did she happen to be the
unlucky one who broke your fall?
159
00:09:25,428 --> 00:09:27,737
No, she was fortunate
in that respect, Tony,
160
00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:32,697
but she might be a little bit upset that
my fall was broken by her small grandson.
161
00:09:34,428 --> 00:09:35,781
Well, fair enough, Control.
162
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:39,338
I expect that in that case, she'd
welcome a cup of coffee too.
163
00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:41,306
Good thinking, Tony.
164
00:09:41,588 --> 00:09:44,102
Oh, now come on, Simon.
165
00:09:44,188 --> 00:09:46,304
You've caused enough
trouble today.
166
00:09:46,388 --> 00:09:48,856
You're not getting
a single seed.
167
00:09:49,468 --> 00:09:51,299
Oh, all right, then.
168
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:54,142
There you are.
169
00:09:56,068 --> 00:09:57,068
Bo!
170
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:00,664
You see, you've got
an aura around you.
171
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:03,302
We all, we all of us... We
all have auras round us.
172
00:10:03,388 --> 00:10:06,539
Now, I can tell from your aura
that you're wearing shoes.
173
00:10:06,708 --> 00:10:07,982
Am I right?
174
00:10:08,348 --> 00:10:13,342
Now, it's our firm belief here
on A Bit of Fry and Laurie,
175
00:10:14,228 --> 00:10:17,300
married to a passionate
girl from Stockton-on-Tees,
176
00:10:17,388 --> 00:10:22,098
that there is a right way and
a wrong way to do everything.
177
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:25,385
So, now I and my
partner-in-crime, Hugh Laurie...
178
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,609
I call him my partner-in-crime,
but we don't
179
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:31,537
actually commit crimes
together of any kind.
180
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:37,945
That's just... That's just a ghastly
and unacceptable phrase I like to use.
181
00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:42,021
So, I and my, as I say,
partner-in-crime...
182
00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:48,622
would now like to show you the
right way and the wrong way
183
00:10:48,708 --> 00:10:52,383
to deal with a couple of young children
who've come round on Halloween,
184
00:10:52,468 --> 00:10:53,947
a- trick-or-treating.
185
00:10:54,228 --> 00:10:57,379
Right, all we've gotta do now is
wait for the doorbell to ring.
186
00:10:57,588 --> 00:10:58,737
Right.
187
00:10:59,228 --> 00:11:02,265
Er, nice carpet,
Hugh. Tideymans?
188
00:11:02,348 --> 00:11:06,341
Well, who else? If
you'll pardon the pun.
189
00:11:09,508 --> 00:11:10,543
What pun?
190
00:11:11,868 --> 00:11:13,699
Oh, wasn't there one? I'm sorry.
191
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:15,908
- Ah!
- Ha!
192
00:11:18,868 --> 00:11:20,506
Trick or treat, mister.
193
00:11:21,908 --> 00:11:24,741
- Ah! Trick or treat.
- Trick or treat.
194
00:11:24,828 --> 00:11:28,741
So tell me, Steve, did we prepare
a bag of jellybeans out back?
195
00:11:28,828 --> 00:11:32,025
We most certainly did,
I'll go fetch them.
196
00:11:34,228 --> 00:11:37,504
So, young shaver snapper, do
you like football, do you?
197
00:11:37,588 --> 00:11:39,579
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Do you fancy Arsenal this year?
198
00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,580
No way. I quite fancy
me sister, though.
199
00:11:46,548 --> 00:11:47,776
Here we are, then.
200
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:49,938
There you go. Enjoy those.
201
00:11:50,348 --> 00:11:52,084
- Catch you guys later, all right.
- All right.
202
00:11:52,108 --> 00:11:53,461
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
203
00:11:55,828 --> 00:11:58,661
That was, of course, ladies
and gentlemen, the wrong way.
204
00:11:58,748 --> 00:12:00,101
- The wrong way!
- Wrong way!
205
00:12:00,188 --> 00:12:01,462
- Wrong way!
- Wrong way!
206
00:12:02,628 --> 00:12:04,459
We're now gonna show
you the right way.
207
00:12:05,828 --> 00:12:07,386
Trick or treat, mister.
208
00:12:07,468 --> 00:12:08,583
- What?
- What?
209
00:12:08,668 --> 00:12:10,465
- What did you say?
- Trick or treat.
210
00:12:10,548 --> 00:12:12,743
- Trick or treat?
- Ugh! Ugh!
211
00:12:12,828 --> 00:12:15,084
- Come here. You come here now.
- What are you talking about?
212
00:12:15,108 --> 00:12:17,747
This is England, not America.
What are you talking about?
213
00:12:17,828 --> 00:12:20,058
This is not America!
214
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,023
We call it the Tideymans test,
215
00:12:24,108 --> 00:12:27,464
because only Tideymans
carpets have the absorbency
216
00:12:27,548 --> 00:12:29,778
and luxurious shag pile bounce
217
00:12:29,868 --> 00:12:32,985
that can cushion a fall from
even the highest of buildings.
218
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:46,904
So if those two children had landed
15 feet further to the right,
219
00:12:46,988 --> 00:12:48,785
their lives would
have been saved.
220
00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:52,099
Isn't it time you started thinking
about a Tideymans in your life?
221
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,577
The deep shag that
really satisfies.
222
00:13:06,268 --> 00:13:08,145
Oh, I do beg your pardon.
223
00:13:10,068 --> 00:13:11,217
Ha!
224
00:13:13,548 --> 00:13:14,981
Play it again, Sam.
225
00:13:18,148 --> 00:13:20,616
- Well, that is brilliant, that.
- Thank you.
226
00:13:21,348 --> 00:13:22,781
Play it again, Sam.
227
00:13:23,508 --> 00:13:24,543
Yes.
228
00:13:24,628 --> 00:13:28,098
Yeah, I used to play the
piano, but I gave it up.
229
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:29,908
- Really?
- Yeah, 'cause you...
230
00:13:29,988 --> 00:13:31,744
You have to practise
a lot, don't you?
231
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:32,709
That's quite right.
232
00:13:32,733 --> 00:13:34,826
Yeah, it's all the
practising. I couldn't take that.
233
00:13:34,908 --> 00:13:36,261
- Really?
- Yeah.
234
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:39,545
I'll tell you what,
do you know that...?
235
00:13:39,628 --> 00:13:42,984
What's that song, Strangers in
the Night? Do you know that one?
236
00:13:43,068 --> 00:13:44,244
- Strangers in the Night?
- Yeah.
237
00:13:44,268 --> 00:13:45,906
- Yes, yes.
- Oh, go on, play that one.
238
00:13:45,988 --> 00:13:47,899
Okay, it's Strangers
in the Night.
239
00:13:47,988 --> 00:13:49,979
He's playing it. Go on.
240
00:13:51,228 --> 00:13:52,547
Oh, nice, yes.
241
00:13:53,668 --> 00:13:56,546
♪ Some enchanted evening
242
00:13:57,508 --> 00:13:58,623
♪ You... ♪
243
00:13:58,708 --> 00:14:01,017
That's actually
a different song.
244
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,542
- What is?
- "Some enchanted evening"
245
00:14:03,628 --> 00:14:06,381
comes from a song called
Some Enchanted Evening.
246
00:14:07,348 --> 00:14:09,145
- No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does.
247
00:14:10,668 --> 00:14:13,899
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
248
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:15,782
Yeah, which one do you want?
249
00:14:15,868 --> 00:14:18,507
No, Strangers in the
Night, go on. Off you go.
250
00:14:19,228 --> 00:14:21,867
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
251
00:14:23,588 --> 00:14:25,260
What are the words to it?
252
00:14:25,788 --> 00:14:27,564
- "Exchanging glances."
- Exchanging glances, got it.
253
00:14:27,588 --> 00:14:28,816
All right, off you go. Go on.
254
00:14:28,908 --> 00:14:30,899
♪ Strangers in the night,
exchanging glances ♪
255
00:14:30,988 --> 00:14:34,697
No, that's too high. Do it
down there. Do it down there.
256
00:14:34,788 --> 00:14:35,823
♪ Strange...♪
257
00:14:35,908 --> 00:14:37,500
That's it. Yeah, go on.
258
00:14:37,588 --> 00:14:40,022
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
259
00:14:40,108 --> 00:14:41,302
♪ Exchanging...♪
260
00:14:41,388 --> 00:14:43,084
Oh, I'll tell you what,
what's that other one?
261
00:14:43,108 --> 00:14:45,019
Erm, it goes...
262
00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:47,859
♪ La de-di-da de-di-da
263
00:14:48,068 --> 00:14:49,387
♪ My pretty one ♪
264
00:14:49,468 --> 00:14:50,787
I don't think I know that one.
265
00:14:50,868 --> 00:14:53,587
Oh, you know. You must know that
one. Everyone knows that one.
266
00:14:53,668 --> 00:14:56,580
I'll sing it for you.
You follow along with me.
267
00:14:56,668 --> 00:14:58,465
♪ La di-de-da di-de-da... ♪
268
00:14:58,548 --> 00:15:00,027
Go on. Yes, that's it.
269
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,382
♪ La di-de-da
270
00:15:01,508 --> 00:15:03,419
♪ My pretty one ♪
271
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:06,819
Oh, it's brilliant, that one.
Who wrote that one? Er...
272
00:15:06,908 --> 00:15:08,944
- You did, I think.
- No, no.
273
00:15:09,028 --> 00:15:10,507
No, I tell you
what. Look, I'll...
274
00:15:10,588 --> 00:15:13,188
You shift up. You shift up, and
I'll play, 'cause I do actually...
275
00:15:13,628 --> 00:15:14,856
No, I'll tell you what.
276
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:18,204
I'll tell you what. I'll play you this one,
'cause this is absolutely my favourite one.
277
00:15:18,228 --> 00:15:20,696
Do you know this one?
It goes... All right.
278
00:15:28,588 --> 00:15:31,307
- It's Beethoven, that is.
- Is it? Is it, really?
279
00:15:31,748 --> 00:15:33,500
Always makes me very sad.
280
00:15:33,668 --> 00:15:35,101
Yes, I could weep.
281
00:15:51,268 --> 00:15:56,501
Berlin in 1924 was a
shattered and divided city.
282
00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:58,499
No city for lovers.
283
00:15:58,868 --> 00:16:03,020
If Clarissa and I had known how brief
our moments together were to be,
284
00:16:03,108 --> 00:16:04,826
perhaps we would
have spent the time
285
00:16:04,908 --> 00:16:08,423
in the pension in the
Friedrichstrasse with more care.
286
00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:11,784
But lovers are traditionally
careless of time.
287
00:16:11,868 --> 00:16:14,098
- And what it...
- Tell you what. Tell you what.
288
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:15,821
Do you know this one?
289
00:16:22,428 --> 00:16:25,465
Oh, no, I absolutely, absolutely
swear by these things.
290
00:16:25,748 --> 00:16:27,340
Okay, ask me anything.
291
00:16:27,428 --> 00:16:31,467
Ask me the time of day in Adelaide,
anything, any... Tell you what.
292
00:16:31,548 --> 00:16:37,020
I'll tell you what I'm doing
on the 3rd of August, 1997.
293
00:16:38,108 --> 00:16:39,427
There, you see? Nothing.
294
00:16:45,828 --> 00:16:47,147
What? What?
295
00:16:47,228 --> 00:16:52,382
Ah, we return to some form
of consciousness, eh, Major?
296
00:16:52,468 --> 00:16:53,867
What? Where?
297
00:16:53,948 --> 00:16:56,587
You must forgive the rough
methods of my colleagues,
298
00:16:56,668 --> 00:17:00,024
they are barbarians, barbarians.
299
00:17:00,108 --> 00:17:03,783
They have no finesse,
it grieves me to say.
300
00:17:03,868 --> 00:17:05,779
Where the hell am I?
301
00:17:05,948 --> 00:17:08,178
You're fond of Matisse, Major?
302
00:17:08,868 --> 00:17:13,703
Such bold strokes of the
brush, such masterly control.
303
00:17:15,108 --> 00:17:17,497
What were you doing so far
in front of your own lines?
304
00:17:17,588 --> 00:17:20,341
What was the purpose
of your operation?
305
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:24,066
Donaldson, Eric. Major.
306
00:17:24,228 --> 00:17:26,947
Serial number 64003...
307
00:17:27,028 --> 00:17:30,304
Oh, come, come, Major. You can
do so much better than that,
308
00:17:30,388 --> 00:17:32,379
you know, really,
so much better.
309
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:34,618
That's all you're
getting out of me.
310
00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:37,627
Such a pity that our
two nations are at war.
311
00:17:37,748 --> 00:17:39,898
We have so much in
common, you know?
312
00:17:40,428 --> 00:17:43,738
Tell me, please, when is
planned the invasion of France?
313
00:17:43,828 --> 00:17:46,137
Do you think I know that?
314
00:17:46,228 --> 00:17:49,618
And do you think if I did
know, that I would tell... you?
315
00:17:50,428 --> 00:17:52,658
Oh, my God.
316
00:17:53,988 --> 00:17:55,341
What is the matter, please?
317
00:17:55,428 --> 00:17:57,896
You! I can't believe it!
318
00:17:58,588 --> 00:18:00,101
You are not believing
what, please?
319
00:18:00,188 --> 00:18:03,498
You, you're so, so beautiful.
320
00:18:06,988 --> 00:18:08,307
What are you saying?
321
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:13,064
That it should happen here and
now, of all times and all places.
322
00:18:13,148 --> 00:18:16,220
This is it! I... I
just can't believe it.
323
00:18:16,468 --> 00:18:21,258
You're the most fantastic and attractive
creature I've ever laid eyes upon.
324
00:18:21,348 --> 00:18:25,421
Now, now. No. Don't... Don't
play games with me, Major.
325
00:18:25,508 --> 00:18:28,466
Games? Games? This is no game.
326
00:18:28,548 --> 00:18:31,267
This is the realest thing
that's ever happened to me.
327
00:18:31,348 --> 00:18:34,385
Where have you been all my
life, you gorgeous darling?
328
00:18:34,828 --> 00:18:37,103
Now sit down, Major.
329
00:18:37,508 --> 00:18:40,466
Your eyes, they light up when
you're angry. Did you know that?
330
00:18:40,548 --> 00:18:41,776
Now, look.
331
00:18:41,868 --> 00:18:43,859
There's so much
time to make up for.
332
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:47,145
I don't know anything about you.
I don't know your name, your...
333
00:18:47,228 --> 00:18:50,664
Hauptsturmführer
Friedrich von Stoltz.
334
00:18:50,748 --> 00:18:53,308
Friedrich. Yes! I
like that, Friedrich.
335
00:18:53,388 --> 00:18:55,697
Major, have you taken
leave of your senses?
336
00:18:55,788 --> 00:18:57,585
Yes! Yes, I have.
337
00:18:57,668 --> 00:19:02,139
For the first time in my life, I've
taken leave of my senses, and I love it!
338
00:19:02,988 --> 00:19:06,947
Did anyone ever tell you, you have
the sweetest, silliest little nose,
339
00:19:07,028 --> 00:19:09,701
and the biggest, bluest eyes?
340
00:19:09,788 --> 00:19:13,861
Now, I am going to give you one
last warning, Major Donaldson.
341
00:19:15,148 --> 00:19:17,378
Get that arse!
342
00:19:19,348 --> 00:19:24,627
Friedrich, Friedrich, that has got
to be the cutest little bum ever.
343
00:19:25,228 --> 00:19:28,186
No, no. Now, listen.
Enough, Major, enough.
344
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,587
Maybe... Ha! Yes.
345
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:33,024
Maybe you are playing on me some
of your English senses of humour.
346
00:19:33,108 --> 00:19:35,622
- But, you know...
- Oh, that accent.
347
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:40,304
It's so dreamy you could bathe in
it. Kiss me, Friedikins, kiss me now.
348
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,140
When is planned the invasion?
349
00:19:42,228 --> 00:19:45,186
Oh, who cares about a
stupid little invasion?
350
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:46,268
I do.
351
00:19:46,348 --> 00:19:50,580
Oh, all right, then.
6th of June, Normandy.
352
00:19:51,188 --> 00:19:55,420
But that doesn't matter. What matters
is that we've found each other.
353
00:19:55,708 --> 00:19:57,858
6th of June, Normandy.
354
00:19:58,228 --> 00:20:03,177
Yes. Now, honey, don't you
think that deserves a kiss?
355
00:20:03,628 --> 00:20:05,539
Well, maybe just a little one.
356
00:20:08,348 --> 00:20:11,067
Well... Oh, Christ,
I've left the iron on.
357
00:20:12,228 --> 00:20:14,503
Cheers, Keith.
Thanks for your time.
358
00:20:15,188 --> 00:20:16,621
- Damn it!
- What?
359
00:20:17,188 --> 00:20:19,338
It's pretty much
as we feared, John.
360
00:20:19,508 --> 00:20:21,976
- Yeah?
- Only a whole heap worse.
361
00:20:22,148 --> 00:20:24,503
Suppose you start
from the beginning.
362
00:20:25,108 --> 00:20:28,100
Not much to say. Seems that...
363
00:20:31,508 --> 00:20:36,343
Seems that 20 minutes ago, our time,
Derwent Enterprises went into liquidation.
364
00:20:36,708 --> 00:20:37,777
What?
365
00:20:37,908 --> 00:20:40,627
Keith called a couple of
hours ago from Helsinki.
366
00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:42,664
But that was Keith
just now, surely.
367
00:20:42,948 --> 00:20:46,623
Yeah, just now, our time, but he
called a couple of hours ago, his time.
368
00:20:47,148 --> 00:20:49,582
And he called to say that
Derwent had gone under?
369
00:20:49,668 --> 00:20:51,260
- That's right.
- Damn!
370
00:20:51,348 --> 00:20:52,986
Damn it to damnation!
371
00:20:53,108 --> 00:20:56,305
Damn, double damn and an
extra slice of double damn.
372
00:20:56,828 --> 00:20:58,056
Who else knows this?
373
00:20:58,148 --> 00:21:00,503
Well, it's gonna be all around
town before you can say,
374
00:21:00,588 --> 00:21:04,183
"Hell, triple blast and
damn it to Hades twice."
375
00:21:04,268 --> 00:21:06,657
Hell, triple blast
and damn it to Had...
376
00:21:07,868 --> 00:21:09,859
Yup? Derek knows.
377
00:21:10,548 --> 00:21:11,822
Damn it!
378
00:21:11,908 --> 00:21:14,706
Christ, if they pull in their options,
it doesn't bear thinking about.
379
00:21:14,788 --> 00:21:16,983
This whole health club
could go belly up.
380
00:21:17,668 --> 00:21:21,104
Right. I wanna know
who's behind them.
381
00:21:21,428 --> 00:21:23,623
I wanna know who's
pulling the strings.
382
00:21:23,828 --> 00:21:27,104
I wanna know what in
hell's name is going on.
383
00:21:27,388 --> 00:21:29,697
Damn it, John, I do
believe you're scared.
384
00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:32,507
You're damn right I'm scared.
385
00:21:33,108 --> 00:21:36,305
I sense Marjorie's hand in this.
386
00:21:36,588 --> 00:21:37,816
Marjorie?
387
00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:41,984
I never told you this, Peter,
but after Marjorie left me,
388
00:21:42,268 --> 00:21:45,305
I settled a block of
shares on her and the boy.
389
00:21:46,388 --> 00:21:49,460
Shares in the health club? Were
you out of your goddamn mind?
390
00:21:49,548 --> 00:21:50,617
In the club, no.
391
00:21:50,708 --> 00:21:54,621
No, I knew I couldn't trust her
there, but I gave her shares in D-Tec.
392
00:21:54,948 --> 00:21:57,462
- And you think...
- Think? I don't think anything.
393
00:21:57,548 --> 00:22:00,108
There isn't time to think.
There's only time to act.
394
00:22:01,108 --> 00:22:05,977
But is Marjorie really capable of
pulling a scrimshaw trick like this?
395
00:22:06,148 --> 00:22:10,938
Hell, Marjorie would float her own
grandmother as a holding corporation
396
00:22:11,028 --> 00:22:15,465
and strip her bare of preference
stock if she thought it would hurt me.
397
00:22:15,708 --> 00:22:19,144
Three pints of damn and
a chaser of hell blast.
398
00:22:19,868 --> 00:22:21,540
What about the boy, John?
399
00:22:22,028 --> 00:22:23,700
The boy is Dennis, Peter.
400
00:22:25,308 --> 00:22:27,697
No, no. What about
the boy, John?
401
00:22:27,788 --> 00:22:30,621
You leave the boy out of
this. He's just a boy.
402
00:22:30,708 --> 00:22:32,923
There's something I've always wondered,
John.
403
00:22:32,954 --> 00:22:34,790
- Yeah?
- How the boy...
404
00:22:34,814 --> 00:22:37,387
ended up living with
Marjorie after the divorce?
405
00:22:37,948 --> 00:22:41,338
The court ruled that I
was violent and unstable.
406
00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:43,259
An unfit father.
407
00:22:43,668 --> 00:22:45,624
Well, that's a damn joke, John.
408
00:22:45,948 --> 00:22:48,906
If they could have seen how
you've parented this company.
409
00:22:48,988 --> 00:22:53,664
Yeah, well, Marjorie told them a story
about how one night I'd been working late.
410
00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:56,785
I came home, and I sensed
in Marjorie's eyes and voice
411
00:22:56,868 --> 00:22:59,336
a sneering, a
mocking, I don't know.
412
00:22:59,748 --> 00:23:04,139
I suppose I must have flipped. I
emptied a bowl of trifle all over her.
413
00:23:05,188 --> 00:23:06,985
So, she got custody.
414
00:23:07,068 --> 00:23:08,217
Very.
415
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:13,879
Well, it must have hurt, John.
416
00:23:13,903 --> 00:23:16,419
Must have hurt,
not being able to watch Dennis grow up.
417
00:23:16,508 --> 00:23:19,944
Hurt, no. No, the boy
means nothing to me now.
418
00:23:20,028 --> 00:23:22,178
Oh, yeah, John? Oh, yeah?
419
00:23:22,268 --> 00:23:23,940
So how come every
year on his birthday
420
00:23:24,028 --> 00:23:27,100
you take him down to London
to see Phantom Of The Opera?
421
00:23:27,588 --> 00:23:29,499
I do that because I hate him.
422
00:23:30,748 --> 00:23:32,022
Well, fair enough.
423
00:23:32,108 --> 00:23:35,100
But I give Marjorie
due warning this day.
424
00:23:35,188 --> 00:23:38,976
If she wants a fight, then
by arse she's gonna get one.
425
00:23:39,348 --> 00:23:42,306
- And the prize, John?
- It's as big as they get, Peter.
426
00:23:42,388 --> 00:23:46,939
The entire leisure market in the Uttoxeter
catchment area goes to the winner.
427
00:23:47,148 --> 00:23:48,945
No strings attached.
428
00:23:49,668 --> 00:23:53,104
Why can't you leave me alone?
429
00:23:54,268 --> 00:23:58,022
John, what was it you once
said to me about perspective?
430
00:23:58,308 --> 00:24:00,902
I seem to remember
asking how it was spelt.
431
00:24:01,988 --> 00:24:03,626
No, no. After that.
432
00:24:04,868 --> 00:24:07,666
What are you trying
to say to me, Peter?
433
00:24:07,748 --> 00:24:09,386
I'm saying...
434
00:24:10,388 --> 00:24:12,106
I'm saying, damn it, I'm here.
435
00:24:12,188 --> 00:24:16,067
Marjorie's, well, 150
miles away, her time.
436
00:24:16,308 --> 00:24:18,484
And, well, if you and I,
we can't fight this
437
00:24:18,508 --> 00:24:20,620
bastard, son of a mongrel,
hellcat bitch,
438
00:24:20,708 --> 00:24:24,462
well, then we aren't the team that
weathered the Tideymans crisis
439
00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:27,421
and came up smelling of
roses. That's what I'm saying.
440
00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:29,385
Damn it, Peter, you're right.
441
00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:33,101
Call Ipswich now, your time,
442
00:24:33,188 --> 00:24:38,023
and tell them that Derwent
Enterprises or no Derwent Enterprises,
443
00:24:38,108 --> 00:24:42,624
this health club is in
business and stays in business.
444
00:24:42,748 --> 00:24:47,538
- And if Marjorie should call, John?
- Marjorie? Never heard of her.
445
00:24:47,628 --> 00:24:50,142
Damn it, John, I love
it when you're flying.
446
00:24:50,228 --> 00:24:54,665
Right, Sarah, get in a pot of hot,
strong coffee and a dozen memo pads.
447
00:24:56,028 --> 00:24:59,225
Right. Let's get the hell out
of here before they arrive.
448
00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:01,937
- Damn!
- Damn!
449
00:25:03,228 --> 00:25:05,059
Oh, this is, er...?
450
00:25:05,268 --> 00:25:07,304
This is one of them hidden
camera things, is it?
451
00:25:08,108 --> 00:25:11,623
No? Oh, well, 'cause I was gonna say,
it's not very well hidden, is it?
452
00:25:19,628 --> 00:25:22,620
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we're very excited.
453
00:25:22,708 --> 00:25:24,468
- We're very excited, aren't we, Hugh?
- Yes.
454
00:25:24,508 --> 00:25:28,342
We're certainly tremendously excited.
Shall I tell them or will you?
455
00:25:28,548 --> 00:25:31,858
I think you'd better tell them because
I don't know what you're going to say.
456
00:25:33,108 --> 00:25:34,985
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
457
00:25:35,068 --> 00:25:40,096
our final item this evening,
our end sketch, has been stolen.
458
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:43,103
- Stolen?
- Mmm, by Omar Sharif.
459
00:25:44,468 --> 00:25:46,459
- Again? God!
- Yes.
460
00:25:46,548 --> 00:25:49,381
Well, I say stolen. I lost it
to him in a game of backgammon.
461
00:25:49,468 --> 00:25:52,858
And even as we speak, he's
using it as his end sketch
462
00:25:52,948 --> 00:25:55,781
in Monaco TV's Omar
Sharif Comedy Hour.
463
00:25:56,988 --> 00:26:01,106
So that means we're going to have to
improvise our end sketch this week.
464
00:26:01,188 --> 00:26:03,622
Ah, well now, you see, now
I know why you were excited.
465
00:26:03,708 --> 00:26:06,524
Because, of course, improvisation is
very much the coming thing, isn't it?
466
00:26:06,548 --> 00:26:08,903
That's right, that's
right. Everybody's at it.
467
00:26:08,988 --> 00:26:11,866
Apparently David
Vine, "The Guv'nor"...
468
00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:14,581
Even David Vine improvises.
469
00:26:14,621 --> 00:26:15,947
- Has been for years.
- Mmm-hmm.
470
00:26:15,972 --> 00:26:17,699
- So does Mike Smith.
- That's right.
471
00:26:17,788 --> 00:26:21,003
Everything that The
Guv'nor and Smitty say
472
00:26:21,027 --> 00:26:23,897
just comes to them off
the top of their brains.
473
00:26:23,988 --> 00:26:25,467
- Frightening.
- Mmm.
474
00:26:25,788 --> 00:26:27,983
Now, in order to prove to you
475
00:26:28,068 --> 00:26:32,346
that the sketch we're going to end this
evening with is totally improvised,
476
00:26:32,428 --> 00:26:37,377
we're going to ask you, the
audience, to give us, the us,
477
00:26:37,588 --> 00:26:42,821
some kind of first line on which
we can build our improvised sketch.
478
00:26:42,908 --> 00:26:46,344
That's right, and to give you some idea of
a suitable sort of thing for a first line,
479
00:26:46,428 --> 00:26:48,291
we're going to show you
some first lines from the
480
00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:51,138
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
First Line Archive.
481
00:26:53,708 --> 00:26:56,859
Erm... has Deborah
Munnings arrived yet?
482
00:26:58,068 --> 00:27:01,060
Yes, I'd like to apply to
become a homosexual, please.
483
00:27:12,588 --> 00:27:16,217
- I didn't know you had spots.
- I haven't, just great looking hair.
484
00:27:23,428 --> 00:27:25,862
♪ When somebody loves you
485
00:27:26,428 --> 00:27:29,386
♪ It's no good unless
they love you ♪
486
00:27:32,628 --> 00:27:36,906
Well, perhaps I can press you to a cream
slice, as I once said to an actress.
487
00:27:39,148 --> 00:27:40,866
Has Deborah Munnings
arrived yet?
488
00:27:41,948 --> 00:27:44,985
So if any of you have any ideas
for first lines of sketches
489
00:27:45,068 --> 00:27:47,218
- that we can improvise, well, hit us now.
- Anybody?
490
00:27:47,308 --> 00:27:50,306
Hit us hard. The first line.
Some first line that we can weave
491
00:27:50,331 --> 00:27:51,586
some kind of magic around.
492
00:27:51,668 --> 00:27:52,817
First line. Yes?
493
00:27:52,908 --> 00:27:54,102
Do you sell grapefruit?
494
00:27:54,188 --> 00:27:56,782
- Do you sell grapefruit?
- Do you sell grapefruit?
495
00:27:56,868 --> 00:27:57,868
Well, it's a...
496
00:27:57,948 --> 00:28:00,084
We can weave a pretty tantalising
spell around that one.
497
00:28:00,108 --> 00:28:02,258
- Okay, we'll try this.
- Christ, yes. Fabulous. Whoo!
498
00:28:02,348 --> 00:28:04,244
- All right.
- All right, so, ladies and gentlemen,
499
00:28:04,268 --> 00:28:07,340
we now present our improvised sketch
entitled "Do You Sell Grapefruit?"
500
00:28:07,428 --> 00:28:09,544
Yes, I'm hot for this.
Hot, hot, hottie.
501
00:28:09,628 --> 00:28:11,937
Right. All right, okay.
502
00:28:13,948 --> 00:28:14,948
What?
503
00:28:15,388 --> 00:28:17,538
I'll be the grapefruit
seller, you be the customer.
504
00:28:17,628 --> 00:28:20,267
Oh, right. Yes, okay,
right. Let's go. Right.
505
00:28:20,668 --> 00:28:22,306
Wait a minute. What do I say?
506
00:28:23,788 --> 00:28:26,604
- You make it up as you go along.
- Oh, I make it up as I go along, yes.
507
00:28:26,628 --> 00:28:29,381
Oh, I'm excited about
this. Yes, right, okay.
508
00:28:31,308 --> 00:28:33,344
Do you sell any grapefruit?
509
00:28:33,908 --> 00:28:35,057
Yes.
510
00:28:41,748 --> 00:28:43,306
Right, I'll have three, please.
511
00:28:44,388 --> 00:28:46,265
They're 14 pence each.
512
00:28:47,468 --> 00:28:50,141
- Here's 50p.
- Thank you.
513
00:28:51,268 --> 00:28:55,625
Here's 8p change and
your grapefruits.
514
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:57,387
Thank you.
515
00:28:58,308 --> 00:29:00,378
- Well, we just made that one up!
- That's amazing.
516
00:29:00,468 --> 00:29:02,424
- All up.
- Every word of it.
517
00:29:03,268 --> 00:29:04,747
Unbelievable.
518
00:29:06,508 --> 00:29:08,738
- We're very excited about it.
- Oh, yes, yes.
519
00:29:08,828 --> 00:29:12,423
Well, seeing as being
as how we're on a roll,
520
00:29:12,508 --> 00:29:16,023
- does anybody have any other suggestions at all?
- Any more first lines?
521
00:29:16,108 --> 00:29:17,541
You're wearing my hat.
522
00:29:17,628 --> 00:29:21,223
- Well, yes, there could be something there.
- Good one. Any others?
523
00:29:21,748 --> 00:29:23,022
Bugger off!
524
00:29:24,028 --> 00:29:26,622
- Bugger off.
- Bugger off, now...
525
00:29:26,948 --> 00:29:30,418
- It's not really a line, is it?
- No, it's more of a sort of idea, really.
526
00:29:33,428 --> 00:29:35,564
- It's quite a good idea, though, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.
527
00:29:35,588 --> 00:29:36,764
- Should we do it?
- Let's do it.
528
00:29:36,788 --> 00:29:38,244
- We'll do it. We'll do it, right.
- Okay.
529
00:29:38,268 --> 00:29:40,338
- Nice jacket. Tideymans?
- No, Allied.
40661
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