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1
00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:07,706
[P.A. Announcer] Welcome to the Rutherdome.
2
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,275
Please rise for the national anthem,
3
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,178
today being performed by...
4
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:19,718
That's the most pathetic wave
I've ever seen.
5
00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:22,320
These people are playing
a dangerous game.
6
00:00:22,389 --> 00:00:23,989
They've crested
for far too long.
7
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,391
Sooner or later,
they've got to crash.
8
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:30,896
♪ O say, can you see,
by the dawn's-- ♪
9
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:35,634
Hey. Why don't you show
a little respect for
our national anthem, huh?
10
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:36,902
What do we do, Dick?
11
00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:38,570
Just do what
the other's are doing.
12
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,038
♪ ...twilight's
last gleaming? ♪
13
00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:43,207
♪ Who's broad stripes
and bright stars ♪
14
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:46,411
♪ Through the valley
of death ♪
15
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:48,780
Oh, check it out.
16
00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:50,449
The words are on
the Ruther-tron.
17
00:00:50,518 --> 00:00:53,318
♪ ...so gallantly
streaming ♪
18
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,587
♪ And the rockets
red glare ♪
19
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,824
♪ The bombs
bursting in air ♪
20
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:03,462
♪ Gave proof through
the night ♪
21
00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:07,266
[harmonizing]
♪ That our flag
was still there ♪
22
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:17,843
♪ O say, does that star-spangled
banner yet wave ♪
23
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:25,150
[harmonizing]
♪ O'er the land
of the free ♪
24
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:35,227
♪ and the home
of the brave? ♪
25
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:39,831
One more time!
26
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,833
♪♪ [theme]
27
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,072
[humming]
28
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,141
I cannot get that song
out of my head.
29
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:24,442
It is,
without a doubt,
30
00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:26,978
one of the catchiest songs
I've ever heard.
31
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,246
As far as I'm concerned,
32
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:31,483
Achy Breaky Heart
is dead to me.
33
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:35,053
And now I can't
get that song
out of my head.
34
00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:37,689
Hey, guys,
check out what I found
in the closet.
35
00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:41,793
It's the original copy
of the Declaration of
Independence!
36
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,829
No!
Yeah!
37
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,864
And it's on one of
the original copies
38
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:48,633
of a Rusty Burger
placemat.
39
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,969
Look at this
war-torn document,
40
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,570
Stained with
the blood and mustard
41
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:54,639
of patriot's past.
42
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,474
It's so beautiful.
43
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,077
Humans have such
a deep love for their
country of origin.
44
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:00,979
They'd even lay down
their lives for it.
45
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,047
Why is that?
46
00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:03,515
Doesn't make any
sense to me.
47
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,983
It's not like they
have any say on
where they're born.
48
00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:05,984
It's totally random.
49
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:07,819
Yeah. Although
a lot of Chinese
50
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,321
tend to end up
in China.
51
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:14,426
We're supposed
to be American.
52
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:15,827
We better get with
the program
53
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,729
or it's gonna look
awfully suspicious.
54
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,030
Tommy...
55
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:20,766
you study the original
documents
56
00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,434
that created this country
and see what's there.
57
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:23,668
Will do.
Harry...
58
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,138
you cover anthems
and American epic poetry.
59
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,472
Okay.
And you, Sally,
60
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:30,042
I want you researching
so much microfiche
at the library,
61
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,110
that you'll wish we we had
an internet connection.
62
00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:34,145
Sir, yes, sir!
Godspeed.
63
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:37,216
Okay, come on, Americans,
let's get over here.
64
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,217
Let's start
with this thing.
65
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:39,751
Um...
blah blah blah...
66
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,587
"We hold these truths
to be self-evident,
67
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,856
that all men are
created equal--"
68
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:45,857
Wait, wait, wait.
69
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,058
What?
70
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,093
"...that all men
are created equal."
71
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:50,695
We're all equal?
72
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,731
Well, that's cool.
Yeah.
73
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,900
So then for us
to be the best
Americans we can be,
74
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,669
we need complete
equality.
75
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,003
Yes. Yes. Yes.
76
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,305
We need to share everything!
77
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,608
The food,
the land, the work.
78
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:05,010
We'll commune together.
Exactly!
79
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,644
All right.
But first things first.
80
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:07,979
Who's in charge?
81
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,914
No one. That's the point.
We're all equal.
82
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:12,450
Right.
Good catch. Okay.
83
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:13,851
Do you think,
like, you know,
84
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,988
we need somebody
to be in charge of equality?
85
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,990
You know, just to make sure
things stay equal?
86
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,225
That's not
a bad idea.
87
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,660
Just a little
extra paperwork,
not much glory.
88
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:23,695
But who?
89
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,237
Harry?
90
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,805
You into it?
91
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,507
Me? I don't know.
92
00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:38,610
It'll look good
on your résumé.
93
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:41,145
Yeah!
94
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:43,582
Then I'd be the guy who's
in charge of equality
95
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:47,752
and teaches math to
inner-city school children.
96
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:51,055
Harry, you don't teach math.
97
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,658
Okay, so I padded it.
98
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,333
Mary? Just curious...
99
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:04,369
What would you give
America on a scale
of 1 to 10?
100
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,903
I'd give it a 10.
101
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,205
A 10?
102
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,739
Why? What would give it?
103
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,208
Oh, it would be up there.
104
00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:11,810
A 7 or 8.
105
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:13,745
7 or 8?
106
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,647
It's not set in stone.
107
00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:16,982
Wow me.
108
00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:19,151
Oh, Dick, there are
places in this world
109
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,286
where you would go to jail
or even worse
110
00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,254
for giving your country
a 7 or an 8.
111
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,089
Really?
112
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:27,492
America gives you
so many freedoms.
113
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:30,228
Fine. I'll give it
a hard 8.
114
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:35,166
I'm sorry. I get a little
passionate about this.
115
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:37,902
You know, my family
came over on the Mayflower.
116
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:38,937
The Mayflower?
117
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,539
Oh, boy.
118
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:44,175
That's right. Neddy Albright
was one of the first settlers
119
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:46,144
to come to America
on the Mayflower.
120
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:50,181
Nina, was you family
on the Mayflower?
121
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:54,385
No, we came over
on a different boat.
122
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:56,755
But I'm sure
we hooked up
with the Albrights
123
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,823
soon after
we arrived.
124
00:06:02,595 --> 00:06:05,063
Our family's a more
recent arrival.
125
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,999
So I guess we'll never be
as American as you are.
126
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:09,468
Oh, no.
127
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,636
You're missing the point.
128
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,272
We're a land
of immigrants.
129
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:18,009
The Albrights founded America
so that people like you
130
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,711
who come from
near and far
131
00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:22,146
could share in its
freedoms and prosperity.
132
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:23,715
Is there such a thing
as too far?
133
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:26,050
Of course not.
134
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,653
Too many, maybe.
135
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,622
So we're the same.
136
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,225
Two Americans.
137
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:37,629
I've never felt this
close to you as
I do right now.
138
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:38,897
What do you say
we Americans
139
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,031
slip into
the copy room
140
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,167
and declare independence
from our pants?
141
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,368
Oh!
142
00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:49,941
Who, whoa, whoa.
143
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,342
What's with
the new shoes?
144
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,812
They're not new.
I got 'em four hours ago.
145
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,114
Harry?
146
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,451
The equality leader
has decided
147
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,686
that there will be no
competition in dress.
148
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,455
If one of us
gets new shoes,
149
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,823
we all get new shoes.
150
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:06,991
I'm down with that.
151
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,726
Nice job,
equality leader.
152
00:07:08,795 --> 00:07:12,630
And...your sundaes
are ready.
153
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:20,739
Hey.
154
00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,673
Tommy got more
ice cream than me.
155
00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,049
Nope. Equal.
156
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,283
No, they're not!
157
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,118
The equality leader
has ruled.
158
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,755
1, 2, 3.
159
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:39,857
1, 2, 3.
160
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:42,327
1, 2, 3.
161
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:45,931
Uh...
162
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,666
I--I didn't get
any whipped cream.
163
00:07:48,735 --> 00:07:50,869
The equality leader
has ruled.
164
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:53,237
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
165
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,975
Four cherries.
166
00:07:58,044 --> 00:07:59,444
How's he gonna
divide that up?
167
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,999
Your leader has ruled.
168
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,441
Please rise for
The Pledge of
Allegiance.
169
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,142
[All]
What? What?
We've never done that.
170
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,745
Yes, the Pledge.
Up! Up! Up!
171
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,047
And no fancy
alternate wording.
172
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:38,883
I want it preformed
exactly as it appears
173
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,052
on my laminated
bookmarker.
174
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,186
And begin.
175
00:08:42,256 --> 00:08:43,755
Wait.
Where do we look?
176
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,791
Uh...pair off
and look at your partners.
177
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,693
Don't we have to look
at a flag?
178
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,529
Uh, yes. Of course.
Who has a flag?
179
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:55,233
No one brought
a flag to class?
180
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,235
Caryn has a flag
on her pants.
181
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,403
Oh, great.
182
00:08:58,472 --> 00:09:00,271
Uh, Caryn, please
remove your pants
183
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,840
and pass them to
the front of the class.
184
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:05,176
Dr. Solomon, I'm not gonna
remove my pants.
185
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,746
Oh, I'm sorry.
You're right.
186
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,780
That would be degrading.
187
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,014
Just get up on the desk.
188
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,949
Come on. Up! Up! Up!
189
00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:14,085
And...up!
190
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,853
And, uh...
191
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:18,723
And begin.
192
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,358
[All]
I pledge allegiance
to the flag--
193
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:22,761
What flag is that?
194
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,595
...of the United States
of America--
195
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,331
Come on.
Sell it! Sell it!
196
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,798
...and to the republic--
197
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,134
[Dick]
Hit the prepositions!
198
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,736
"To the republic
for which it stands."
199
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,638
[All]
...one nation under God
indivisible--
200
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,474
Invisible?
Who said invisible? Leon?
201
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:38,810
...with liberty
and justice for all.
202
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:40,812
What kind
of a pledge is that?
203
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,648
Where's the passion?
Where's the enthusiasm?
204
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:45,149
Oh...never mind.
205
00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:48,820
Caryn,
get off my desk!
206
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,024
Hurry up.
207
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,493
Harry's daily address
is about to start.
208
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:03,635
I don't like this.
209
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,369
Oh, I do.
210
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,271
Ever since I came
to this planet,
211
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,074
I've had to obsess
over what to wear
212
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,042
and how much to eat
and how to fix my hair.
213
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,045
But all of a sudden,
there's order again
214
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:17,014
and all my decisions
are made for me.
215
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:19,083
But we're losing
our individuality.
216
00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:21,852
Why do you say that,
number 1258?
217
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:25,122
Citizens of America,
218
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:26,724
I am pleased to announce
219
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,861
that things have never
been more equal.
220
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,662
[imitates crowd cheering]
221
00:10:31,731 --> 00:10:33,631
Enough!
222
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:37,235
I have installed intercoms
throughout the apartment
223
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,404
to better facilitate
communication.
224
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:42,039
No matter what room
you are in,
225
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:44,075
I will hear you.
226
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:46,577
Or you can
communicate with me
227
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,247
on any and all issues
of equality--
228
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,449
uh--uh--uh--uh...
229
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,258
And no more shoes!
230
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,760
We will bury these shoes!
231
00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:04,929
That is all.
232
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,631
[Dick]
Family meeting!
Family meeting!
233
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:16,774
Oh. You all
look fetching.
234
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,344
You really think so?
235
00:11:19,413 --> 00:11:21,946
I don't care.
236
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,348
Tommy, was the name
of the ship that
brought us here
237
00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:25,750
called the Mayflower?
238
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,620
No, I think it was called
the Z-5000.
239
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,622
The Z-5000-flower?
240
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,824
Uh...
241
00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:35,026
No, just the Z-5000.
242
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,460
Oh. Too bad.
243
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,163
You know, I had
such a great time
with Mary today.
244
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:42,099
In the past, there's
always been this
human-alien barrier.
245
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,101
But today, we were
just two Americans.
246
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,636
You're Canadian.
247
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,107
What?
248
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:51,642
Your passport here
says you're Canadian.
249
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:52,710
Guilty.
250
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:53,744
No!
251
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:54,945
How come I'm not
American?
252
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:57,549
Well, I thought it would
look pretty suspicious
253
00:11:57,617 --> 00:12:00,785
if all four members
of our family were from
the same country.
254
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,754
I can't argue
with that logic.
255
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,122
What am I gonna do?
256
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,557
How am I gonna
tell Mary
257
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,392
that's she's sleeping
with the enemy?
258
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,402
I don't think this
is four cheeses.
259
00:12:18,472 --> 00:12:21,840
I think this
is five cheeses.
260
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,942
You know who'd I'd really
like to sit down
261
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:25,309
and spend some
time with?
262
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:29,681
Who?
Canadian songstress
Céline Dion.
263
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,551
Good, Dick.
264
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,686
That's right.
I said Canadian.
265
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,355
Who knew?
I didn't.
266
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,591
Because she's not
one of those
in-your-face Canadians.
267
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,360
She's just a normal
person like you and me,
268
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,196
only...Canadian.
269
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:49,134
Good for her.
270
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,869
You know, I--I think
the two of you would
be great friends.
271
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,137
I'm sure we would.
272
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,506
Oh, Mary,
do you mean it?
273
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:56,941
No. I don't know
anything about her.
274
00:12:57,009 --> 00:12:58,409
I don't listen to her music.
275
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,578
So her shrill
Canadian voice
276
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:03,014
sounds tramp-like
to you?
277
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:06,951
I do not have a strong opinion
one way or the other.
278
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:10,721
Care for a Canadian lager?
279
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,090
Put that away!
We're at school!
280
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,959
Fine. Fine.
281
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:20,298
Mmm. Mary, this
Canadian bacon
is good stuff.
282
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,233
Would you like some?
283
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,068
I don't think I've ever had
Canadian bacon?
284
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,303
Oh, Mary!
285
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,639
You've been having it
for the last four years!
286
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:35,012
Next!
Next!
287
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,485
Hello, citizen.
288
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:42,153
How may I help you?
289
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,355
I need toilet paper.
290
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:48,893
Sorry. Today we are
distributing potatoes.
291
00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:53,597
But I really need
toilet paper.
292
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,300
Well, we've got
sandpaper.
293
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:06,043
Fine. I'll take
a potato.
294
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,216
Tommy,
you have to help me!
295
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,751
I need to become
an American.
296
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:17,255
Well, I'm finding
America pretty
oppressive these days.
297
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:18,723
I think you're lucky
to be a Canadian.
298
00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:21,025
These only one
lucky Canadian,
299
00:14:21,093 --> 00:14:24,962
and his name is
Peter Jennings.
300
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,997
Fine. If you want to be
an American so badly,
301
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,433
I'll just print you up
a fake passport.
302
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,368
No, don't you get it, man?
303
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,236
I've been fake
for too long.
304
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:35,406
For five years,
I've been pretending
to be human with Mary.
305
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,776
But for one brief,
shining moment,
306
00:14:38,844 --> 00:14:40,411
we were both real.
307
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:41,912
Real Americans.
308
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,081
I want that back.
309
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,748
Well, then you'll have
to do it the hard way.
310
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,950
Apply for citizenship.
311
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:48,386
The hard way
is the American way.
312
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,787
Tell me about it.
313
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,456
I'm wearing
standard-issue
underwear.
314
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,858
And guess what?
It rides.
315
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,029
Until I get my American
citizenship,
316
00:14:58,097 --> 00:15:00,497
I'll just be careful what
I talk "aboot" around Mary.
317
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,566
Uh...
318
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,101
"Aboot?"
319
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:05,303
Did I say "aboot?"
320
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,537
Oh, I'm sorry.
321
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,806
I've been under
a lot of stress, eh?
322
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:10,508
Eh? Oh!
323
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:13,644
So, Tommy...
324
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:17,948
I understand someone's
not too happy with
his underwear.
325
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,350
How did you know that?
326
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:23,487
I have eyes and ears
everywhere.
327
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,526
Ahem.
328
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,794
I'm, uh...
329
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:32,764
here for my citizenship.
330
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,531
You mean you're here
to take the test?
331
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,567
Test? Oh, no, no, no.
332
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:39,703
No, that won't be necessary.
I think I'm exempt.
333
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:44,241
I regularly "do" a woman with
close ties to the Mayflower.
334
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,643
Really?
335
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,812
Yes. The Mayflower.
336
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,881
And yes..."do."
337
00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:53,451
Yeah. I don't think
you understand.
338
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:55,253
Um, why don't you take
these study materials
339
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:56,254
and just come back
when you're ready.
340
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:57,922
No, I'm ready now.
341
00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:01,125
I've lied on my tax returns,
I've been arrested,
342
00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:02,159
and I don't vote.
343
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:03,494
I'm a true American.
344
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,496
Test me.
Test me now.
345
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:08,466
Okay. Question one:
346
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,935
How is the President
of the United States
elected?
347
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:12,737
I know this.
348
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,238
He, or she--
349
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:17,174
Yeah, right--
350
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:20,444
is chosen on the basis
of how physically
attractive they are
351
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:23,680
and their definition
of adultery.
352
00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:28,019
And it doesn't hurt
to know Barbra Streisand.
353
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:50,507
What the hell happened
to this place?
354
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,242
A revolution.
355
00:16:52,311 --> 00:16:55,146
Tommy, did you see
who did this?
356
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:57,882
It was me!
357
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,885
I wanna live in a place
where I can be
an individual,
358
00:17:00,954 --> 00:17:03,054
where I can express
myself freely
359
00:17:03,123 --> 00:17:04,622
and pursue my own
happiness.
360
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:07,892
You're gonna give up
America for that?
361
00:17:07,961 --> 00:17:09,060
Don't you see?
362
00:17:09,128 --> 00:17:11,262
This isn't equality,
this is conformity.
363
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,896
The grand dream
is dead.
364
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:15,099
Sally...
365
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:17,835
I know that you've
got some history
with this fella.
366
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,270
Me? No.
Then prove it.
367
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,439
Take him out.
368
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:25,109
Fine! Go ahead!
369
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,810
Strike me down!
370
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:30,348
But there are many more
like me who will
stand up to you,
371
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:33,551
who will pick up
the burning torch of freedom
372
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:36,120
and hold it high
in my place!
373
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,056
And it's not a question
374
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:42,126
of if or when someone
picks up that torch,
375
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,229
it's a question of who!
376
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,768
I will!
377
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,441
I will...
378
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,976
pick up that torch.
379
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:01,511
Sally, are you with us?
380
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,347
I will...
381
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,951
kill you both
in your sleep!
382
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,429
Dick,
are you in here?
383
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:19,630
Yes.
384
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,765
Quilted in darkness...
385
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:26,270
like a tiny snow beaver
on the plains of Saskatchewan.
386
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,906
What's wrong?
387
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,910
There's something
I haven't told you, Mary.
388
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,212
Oh, Dick,
whatever it is,
389
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,246
whatever
you've done,
390
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:38,048
you know I'll
stand by you.
391
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,618
I'm a...
392
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,887
I'm a Canadian.
What?
393
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,388
A Canadian.
394
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,723
Why were you afraid
to tell me this?
395
00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,225
Because I was ashamed.
396
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:51,395
Someone with your lineage
would never knowingly consort
397
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:54,498
with someone whose money
is 65 cents to your dollar--
398
00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:56,200
on a very good day.
399
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,437
You hate me now, Mary.
400
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:00,938
No.
401
00:19:01,006 --> 00:19:02,906
I still love you.
402
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,107
You do?
403
00:19:04,176 --> 00:19:05,309
As a matter of fact,
404
00:19:05,377 --> 00:19:07,044
I'm beginning to feel
a little better.
405
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:11,115
This explains almost
all of your behavior.
406
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,353
I wanted so badly to be
your American boyfriend.
407
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:17,221
I even took
the citizenship test,
408
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:20,291
but it was more
complicated than I thought.
409
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:21,625
Oh, Dick,
410
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:25,196
we Americans have a rich
and storied history.
411
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,365
It takes time
and perseverance
to learn it all.
412
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,701
You would have
aced that test.
413
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,904
You would have known
who elects the President
of the United States.
414
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,606
Of course I would have,
darling.
415
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:37,474
It's the people.
416
00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:40,077
No, it's
the electoral college.
417
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:42,913
Wait--what...
No--Yes!
418
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,148
The electoral
college.
419
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,050
You didn't know that.
Oh, yes, I did.
420
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:47,752
Then tell me
who becomes President
421
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,454
if the President
and Vice President both die.
422
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,822
Secretary of State.
423
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:54,024
Wrong! Speaker of the House!
424
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,560
Swing and a miss!
Strike two, Yankee!
425
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:58,728
Why are you putting me
on trial?
426
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,097
Because I've been
through hell
427
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,999
trying to prove that
I'm worthy to be here.
428
00:20:02,067 --> 00:20:04,435
While you,
a great American,
429
00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,504
a descendent
of boat people,
430
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,906
you know just as little
about America as I do.
431
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:09,974
I know plenty!
432
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,576
No, you don't!
Neither do I!
433
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,277
We don't know anything
about this country!
434
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:14,812
Isn't that wonderful?
435
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:18,449
I love you, you beautiful
American idiot!
436
00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:21,852
Go to hell,
you big dumb Canuck!
437
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:29,460
You know, America
is such an enigma.
438
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:30,828
If you're not born here,
439
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,696
you have to take a test
to live here.
440
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,765
But most of the people
who were born here
441
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:38,035
would fail that test
as miserably as I did.
442
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:40,738
So then maybe to be
truly American
443
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,806
is to be ignorant
of America
444
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,976
and to take it
for granted at
every juncture.
445
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,012
Oh, my God, you guys.
446
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,147
Do you know
what this means?
447
00:20:50,215 --> 00:20:52,583
The greatest Americans
in this country
448
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,685
are sitting on
this rooftop.
449
00:20:57,356 --> 00:21:00,891
[Dick and Harry]
♪ And the rockets
red glare ♪
450
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,627
♪ The bombs bursting
in air ♪
451
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:11,668
Closed-Captioned By
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Burbank, CA
33440
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