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1
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,203
Why do these people
Insist on putting
2
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,038
Their biographies
In the paper?
3
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,506
Like they're
So great.
4
00:00:41,508 --> 00:00:44,109
"Beloved" this
And "Devoted" that.
5
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:48,414
Dr. Solomon, those are
The obituaries.
6
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,449
Well, I want one
About me.
7
00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:54,153
Hopefully soon.
8
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,455
Dick. Oh, good,
You're here.
9
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,424
Um, I want you to meet
Jeffrey malone.
10
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,559
He's from
The fleischman foundation.
11
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,227
Jeffrey,
This is dick solomon.
12
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,229
Oh, so this
Is the guy.
13
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,397
Yeah, this is the guy.
14
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,866
And this guy and I have
To have a little talk.
15
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,067
What is it, mary?
16
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:12,070
Remember that article
I wrote last year--
17
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,238
"Where's mommy?"--
18
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,307
Dissecting the post-nuclear
American family?
19
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,709
Oh, yes. About that
Tyrannical blowhard
20
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,712
And his ridiculous
Relatives.
21
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:24,817
Uh-huh. Honey...
That was about you.
22
00:01:24,819 --> 00:01:27,685
You mean
I'm dirk sullivan?
23
00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:30,522
Yes. I've been
Observing your family
24
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:31,723
For the past 4 years.
25
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:32,924
You've what?!
26
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,192
And the fleischman foundation
27
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:36,294
Has given me a grant
To make a documentary
28
00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:38,430
On the typical
American family.
29
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,598
Your family.
30
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,832
Finally--
31
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:43,435
The recognition
I deserve!
32
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,270
We'll be glorified
33
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:47,639
As the ideal
American family.
34
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:50,141
Not ideal so much as...
Typical.
35
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,444
Nina. Scratch
The obituary.
36
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,146
I don't want to get
Overexposed.
37
00:01:57,317 --> 00:02:00,752
Dr. Albright is, uh...
She's right in there.
38
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:06,091
Dick, are you sure
About this movie thing?
39
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:07,092
Well, of course.
40
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,962
They totally buy us
As a human family.
41
00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,129
This is incredible
Validation
42
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,264
Of our mission.
43
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,631
Look, it's bad enough
44
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:17,002
That albright's been
Studying us for 4 years.
45
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,304
Now she wants to film us?
I don't like it.
46
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,305
Why not?
47
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:23,041
We could be exposed
As aliens.
48
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:25,910
Maybe a few years ago when
We were complete weirdos,
49
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,046
But look at us now,
Lieutenant.
50
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:32,117
We are an ideal family.
We're perfect for this.
51
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,520
And what's more, we get
A professionally produced
52
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,987
Record of our mission
Out of it.
53
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,422
Yeah, like
A wedding video.
54
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,925
That's true, I mean,
We screwed up
55
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,193
Every status report
We ever tried to file.
56
00:02:42,195 --> 00:02:43,528
Why not let
Albright do it?
57
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,397
Because it's
Too great a risk.
58
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,597
Oh, come on.
59
00:02:46,599 --> 00:02:48,800
Every earth family wants
To be immortalized on film.
60
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:49,801
Yeah,
We'd be suspicious
61
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,069
If we didn't want
To do it.
62
00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,504
Is that what you want,
Lieutenant?
63
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,040
I didn't realize we were
On a suicide mission.
64
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,741
Why don't we all
Wear t-shirts
65
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,676
That say, "Don't film us,
We're aliens."
66
00:02:58,678 --> 00:02:59,677
Yeah.
67
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:00,678
Wee-ooh,
Wee-ooh.
68
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,013
All right,
All right.
69
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,115
I get your point.
70
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,249
Ok, everybody,
71
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:06,618
I think we're about
Ready to start.
72
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,954
Now, remember,
We are not here.
73
00:03:09,956 --> 00:03:14,459
Uh...Well, where--
Where are you?
74
00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:18,162
We are here...
But we're not.
75
00:03:18,164 --> 00:03:20,465
So just be yourselves.
That's what we need.
76
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:22,266
Just pretend these
Cameras are not here.
77
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,736
Just act perfectly
Naturally.
78
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:27,138
Ok. But it's not
Natural to act
79
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,806
Like there aren't
Cameras here
80
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:30,442
When there are
Cameras here.
81
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,878
That's true.
82
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,212
Uh--
I've got an idea.
83
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,147
Why don't we notice
The cameras
84
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,183
And then act surprised?
85
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,484
Mary: no, no,
No, no!
86
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:42,254
That's not
Going to work.
87
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,821
Ok. Start.
88
00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:47,959
What's wrong?
89
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,694
Aren't you going
To say "Action"?
90
00:03:49,696 --> 00:03:52,196
Sally,
This is a documentary.
91
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,965
You don't have
To say "Action."
92
00:03:57,171 --> 00:03:58,136
Action!
93
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,055
Just 30 years ago,
94
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:21,592
The traditional 2-parent
Nuclear family was the norm.
95
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:27,265
But in our increasingly
Fragmented 500-channel world,
96
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,433
All that has changed.
97
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,770
To quote myself
In an article I wrote
98
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,437
That inspired this film,
99
00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:35,439
Where has that norm gone,
100
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,842
And will we ever
Get it back?
101
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:40,078
How do I look?
Do I look fat?
102
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,314
not...Fat.
103
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:44,983
What's that
Supposed to mean?
104
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:45,984
Shh!
105
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,687
Dick: we're just
An average family.
106
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,422
I suppose,
To the outsider,
107
00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,390
We might seem
A little unorthodox,
108
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:56,328
But what does this
"Outsider" know anyway?
109
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,796
Who is he to judge us?
110
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,232
Screw him.
111
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,368
Uh, well,
This is my room.
112
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:04,969
Uh, let's see.
113
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,139
At night sometimes,
The moon cuts through
114
00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:08,706
The mullers' tree
Over there
115
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,876
And makes some real weird
Shadows in here.
116
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,478
Sometimes when it's windy,
117
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,449
You can hear scratchy noises
Out at the window, um...
118
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,717
Dick and sally say
That it's just branches,
119
00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,786
But...Man,
120
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:26,291
Sometimes it sounds like
A dead guy's fingers.
121
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,693
Um, me and don--
122
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:30,628
Oh, that's my boyfriend.
123
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,999
Don. That's my boyfriend.
124
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,334
Um, we've been through
A lot together.
125
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,335
Uh...
126
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,171
I lost my virginity.
127
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,338
That was big.
128
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:44,109
Um, then I moved out
On my own.
129
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,778
And then I moved back in.
130
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,681
So basically,
I'm a nonvirgin
131
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,851
Who's moved twice.
132
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,253
That's not bad.
133
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,687
Yeah.
134
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,356
There was a time
In my life
135
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,491
When I considered
Being the ceo
136
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,861
Of a fortune 500 company.
137
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,362
But in a situation
Like that,
138
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,098
You really have
To ask yourself,
139
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,734
"Have I been
Offered this job?"
140
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,238
Mary: the dinner hour
At the solomon's house.
141
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,675
A time for eating and
A time for revelations.
142
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,478
"There is no substitute
For hard work."
143
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,046
Oh. How true is that.
144
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,515
Harry, what does
Yours say?
145
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,316
Oh. Um...
146
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:30,388
"Your life is like
A kite...Somehow."
147
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,990
Harry, did you
Eat yours again?
148
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,358
Yeah. I'm sorry.
149
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,926
Hey, you guys,
Check mine out.
150
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:37,729
Ahem. "You are
A gifted leader
151
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,731
Who will
Inspire many."
152
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,066
Sally, I think that one
Was meant for me.
153
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,268
This must be yours.
154
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,904
"A smile opens
Many doors," no.
155
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,639
I think I'll stick with
The one I got, thanks.
156
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:48,907
Come on, sally,
It's clearly a mix-up.
157
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:49,908
Hand it over.
158
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:50,975
You're not getting
My fortune, dick.
159
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:52,143
You are playing with fate.
160
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,412
Now give me back
My damn fortune,
161
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,080
Lieutenant!
162
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,314
Dick?
163
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:58,182
What?
164
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:01,619
Lieutenant.
That's, uh...
165
00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:02,620
It's a nickname.
166
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,255
Our dad used to
Call me that.
167
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,324
Right. 'cause he
Was in the navy.
168
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,360
Yeah. That's why we
Moved around so much.
169
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:12,797
Mary: dick, you never
Told me about that.
170
00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:15,834
Well, it was
Top secret.
171
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,902
We actually,
Uh, lived
172
00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:20,972
In a submarine
For 2 years.
173
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,841
Yeah. A yellow one.
174
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:26,210
Dad's a great guy.
175
00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:28,179
You'll really like him.
176
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:31,783
Mary: dick, you always said
Your father was dead.
177
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:36,187
She meant, you'll
Like his corpse.
178
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,124
Family meeting.
179
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,860
"We lived
On a submarine."
180
00:07:41,862 --> 00:07:43,128
What was that?
181
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,829
Well, if you hadn't
Called her lieutenant--
182
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,132
Hi.
183
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,466
Excuse us.
184
00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,472
Sally: I told you
This was a bad idea.
185
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,640
Dick: calm down.
186
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:57,142
I think we're still
Coming off quite nicely,
187
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,309
Me especially.
188
00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,811
Yeah. You're
Looking good.
189
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:00,812
Well, I am so glad
190
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:01,880
You're pleased
With yourself,
191
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:02,881
But I, for one,
192
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,582
Do not want
To be exposed.
193
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,551
Mary: exposed as what?
194
00:08:08,354 --> 00:08:10,855
Exposed? Sally didn't
Say "Exposed."
195
00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:13,158
Mary: we have it
On film, dick.
196
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,326
Well, it--it's
Just that, uh,
197
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:19,197
Sally doesn't want
To be exposed for...
198
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,965
What she really is.
199
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:24,435
Which is, uh...
200
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,436
A lesbian.
201
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:26,738
No way!
202
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,173
No, I'm not.
203
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,841
I--I date don.
204
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,742
Mary: then what
Is it, sally?
205
00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:34,578
What are you afraid
Of being exposed as?
206
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,786
A lesbian.
207
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,355
And we're
So proud of her.
208
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,856
Well, onwards
And upwards.
209
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,391
Thanks, dick.
Thanks a heap.
210
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:48,392
Can I be there
When don finds out?
211
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:49,694
Only if I can be there
212
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,529
When alissa finds out
Your little secret.
213
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,697
What?
Bed wetter.
214
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:53,865
Excuse me?
215
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,033
I'm just trying
To tell the truth here.
216
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,367
Ohh...Dude.
217
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,402
Well, that's
Our 2 secrets.
218
00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:01,506
Every family has 2,
And you've got ours.
219
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,674
Well, if I do
Wet my bed,
220
00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:06,378
It's only because
I'm afraid of you.
221
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,712
Afraid of me?
222
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,381
Why would you be
Afraid of me?
223
00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,548
Don't hit me!
224
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,550
Sally, protect me,
Please!
225
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,218
How dare you accuse me
Of that, you little runt!
226
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,620
There. You see why
I prefer women?
227
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:23,527
Sorry. Mary, we made
A mess of your film.
228
00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:25,529
Obviously, all this
Is unusable.
229
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:27,565
I know how important
This is to you.
230
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,802
But how about I go out
And buy you a nice lunch?
231
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,305
You're still filming,
Aren't you?
232
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:36,741
Well, all right.
233
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:39,210
It's fine.
It's no problem.
234
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:43,581
Because, uh...We are
An ideal family.
235
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:47,218
Please stop.
236
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,759
Tommy:
This is bad.
237
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,761
It's very,
Very bad.
238
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,664
Ok. I say
We start a fire,
239
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,265
Pull the fire alarm,
240
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:03,835
And then the whole audience
Will clear out.
241
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:07,872
Why don't we just
Pull the fire alarm?
242
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,040
Without a fire?
243
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,875
That's illegal.
244
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:13,244
You want me to get
In trouble or somethin'?
245
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,912
Pipe down.
246
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,681
The more we talk,
The worse we look.
247
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:17,715
Shh!
248
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:19,684
Don't shush me.
I'm shushing them.
249
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:23,521
The next morning
Found the solomons
250
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,890
In an outwardly
Jovial mood,
251
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:27,892
But it was clear
The revelations
252
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,628
Of the night before
Had taken its toll.
253
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,130
Here, sally.
I got you this book.
254
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,365
It's called ohio's best lesbian hikes.
255
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,568
Aw, thanks, tommy.
256
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,137
Now I can walk
And kiss women
257
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,938
At the same time.
258
00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,774
Well, good.
259
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,809
You know, tommy,
260
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,778
I'm hittin' the mall
This afternoon
261
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,913
To pick up
Some sensible shoes.
262
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,815
How are you fixed
For fresh,
263
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,817
Dry bedding?
264
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:56,921
I'm doing just fine,
But thanks anyway, butch.
265
00:10:56,923 --> 00:10:59,256
Is that any way for an ideal
Family to behave?
266
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:00,291
I don't think so.
267
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,359
Don't you hit me!
268
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,427
I am not hitting you.
269
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,494
It hurts me
On the inside,
270
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,929
Every time!
271
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,030
Hey, albright!
272
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:07,598
Who do I have
To sleep with
273
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,002
To get some face time
Around here?
274
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,471
Sure. I don't have
A glamorous problem
275
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:14,672
Like tommy or sally,
276
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,774
But, you know,
It's a burden
277
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,176
Being the perfect one
In the family.
278
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,245
Would you like to know
How I handle it?
279
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,014
Mary: tell us, harry.
280
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,552
I got me a little
Drinkin' problem.
281
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:31,589
Yeah, that's right.
282
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,457
Perfect, happy
Little harry.
283
00:11:33,459 --> 00:11:37,028
Well, maybe he's not
So perfect after all, huh?
284
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,763
Oh, wait a minute.
Now you're going
285
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:41,532
To hound me with your
Cameras, aren't you?
286
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,502
Well, whatever.
287
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,204
Mary: in retrospect,
288
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,339
Harry's problem
Should have been obvious...
289
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,841
All the telltale signs
Were there:
290
00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,511
Forgetfulness, moodiness...
291
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,512
[thump]
292
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:56,847
Lack of coordination.
293
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,429
It was hard to watch.
294
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,305
The solomons
Are lovely people.
295
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,639
Very nice.
They're clean.
296
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:25,509
They never complain,
And, as for the noise,
297
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:30,014
Well, I think they've
Gotten used to it.
298
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:33,384
Mary: how do you
Think they function
299
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:37,922
Without a traditional
Mother figure?
300
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:41,259
You said you were going
To let me tap dance.
301
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,095
When do I get
To tap dance?
302
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:47,699
Sally's not yet comfortable
With her own sexuality,
303
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,166
But that will come in time.
304
00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:51,335
There's just so much
A brother can do.
305
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,904
Mary: but what
About harry?
306
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:54,405
Oh, harry's straight
As an arrow.
307
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,373
He's just not
Very bright.
308
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:59,043
I'm talking about
His drinking problem.
309
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,913
What? Harry doesn't
Have a drinking problem.
310
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,447
Yes, he does, dick.
311
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:06,484
I never authorized
Any drinking problem.
312
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,853
Excuse me.
313
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,989
Harry?
314
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,390
I'll get
To the bottom of this.
315
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,192
Harry, are you in here?
316
00:13:16,863 --> 00:13:18,630
Where are you going?
317
00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:19,831
Nowhere.
318
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:23,601
I was just getting ready
To take a shower.
319
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:25,937
Harry?
320
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:29,707
Sally: ♪ la la,
Takin' a shower... ♪
321
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,643
Damn!
322
00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:32,644
Harry!
323
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:33,845
♪ taking a shower... ♪
324
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:36,880
Let's move.
325
00:13:36,882 --> 00:13:39,350
What's with the camera?
326
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,586
Aw, crikey!
327
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:42,820
Mary: where
Are you going?
328
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,222
We have a date.
329
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,490
No. Uh, no.
Mm-mm.
330
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,158
This is not
A date.
331
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,460
It's not?
332
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,962
No. Now let's go.
333
00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:54,899
Mary: sally,
Have you told him?
334
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:56,801
Of course
I've told him.
335
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:57,802
Now let's get--
336
00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:58,803
Told me what?
337
00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:00,371
Harry!
338
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,206
Sally, why aren't you
In the shower?
339
00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:03,674
Oh, great.
340
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:07,445
Look, don, um...
341
00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:12,249
You and I have
Something in common.
342
00:14:12,251 --> 00:14:14,686
What?
343
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:18,089
We both like
The ladies.
344
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:21,025
Of course we both
Like--huh?
345
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,795
I am a gay woman.
346
00:14:23,797 --> 00:14:25,029
You're kidding me.
347
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,664
She's kidding me.
348
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:27,832
Is she kidding me?
349
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,267
She's kidding me, right?
350
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:30,935
Sally, you're going back
Into that house!
351
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:33,504
Ow! You're
The reason I'm gay!
352
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,706
Is this candid camera?
353
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,608
No, this isn't
candid camera.
354
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,810
I can see
The freakin' camera!
355
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:44,015
Aah--hey!
356
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,717
Donny! Whoo-whoo!
357
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,286
Harry,
There you are.
358
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,120
Oh, buzz off!
359
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,389
Honk the horn!
360
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,024
Step away
From the vehicle.
361
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,360
Step away
From the vehicle.
362
00:14:58,097 --> 00:14:59,797
What do you think
You're doing?
363
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:02,132
I was just trying to get
Some attention.
364
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:03,133
Attention?
365
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:05,570
What a stupid,
Idiotic--
366
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,906
Cry for help,
You poor thing.
367
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,074
Don't worry, harry.
368
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,742
We're gonna get through
This together.
369
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:12,710
[burp]
370
00:15:20,319 --> 00:15:22,420
Come on, don,
What's the big deal?
371
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,755
No big deal.
372
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:26,424
My longtime girlfriend's
A lesbian.
373
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,493
I'll just walk it off.
374
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,729
You've still been,
You know,
375
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:33,264
Sleeping with her
And whatnot,
376
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,598
Haven't you?
377
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,267
Well, yeah.
378
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:37,601
Then what's
The problem?
379
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,270
I'll bet she just
Thinks of you
380
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,738
As a woman.
381
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:42,106
What?
382
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,275
You've got a strong
Feminine side.
383
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,276
I always feel like
384
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,444
I can go to you
For advice,
385
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,445
Fashion tips.
386
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,446
Well, it's no
Great talent.
387
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:52,183
Some colors just
Go together.
388
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:55,019
If I was a lesbian,
389
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:57,421
You're the kinda lady
I'd wanna be with.
390
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:05,029
I'm not surprised harry
Has a drinking problem.
391
00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:07,498
Being around dr. Solomon
Messes people up in the head.
392
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,499
You should know.
393
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,668
You're sleeping with him.
394
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,403
I bet you don't
Have the guts
395
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:14,438
To put that
In your film.
396
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,975
Yes, I do have the guts.
397
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,977
Hey, how ya doin'?
398
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,814
Hello.
399
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:24,815
What's going on?
400
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,483
Oh. They're making
A documentary
401
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,185
About my family.
402
00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:30,454
How could you
Not tell me
403
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,488
There were cameras
In there?
404
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,490
I have, like,
The zit of the century.
405
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,327
What, that?
Oh, come on.
406
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,162
Oh, my god.
Make them go away.
407
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:41,498
Alissa, please,
Give me a break.
408
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,000
That is nothing.
409
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,169
Nothing? If people
At school see this,
410
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,670
I will be so embarrassed.
411
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,671
[mimicking]
412
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:48,839
I will be
So embarrassed.
413
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,341
You think you'll
Be embarrassed,
414
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,009
Wait till the whole
School finds out
415
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,344
I'm a bed wetter.
Huh?
416
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,612
Oh, my god.
417
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:57,214
I--I didn't know.
418
00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:58,916
Well, now you know.
419
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,017
I'm so sorry.
420
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,353
Look, I don't want
Your pity, rudolph.
421
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,290
At least rudolph doesn't
Have to wear diapers.
422
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:08,659
They're pull-ups!
423
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:11,062
Call them
What they are!
424
00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:13,263
Come on.
425
00:17:13,265 --> 00:17:14,732
But I don't want to.
426
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,867
Harry, say it.
427
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:22,139
My name is harry,
428
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:24,875
And I'm
An alcoholic.
429
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,477
Ok...This is triple "A."
430
00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,216
I'm thirsty.
431
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,885
So...
432
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,454
The big man
Likes to drink,
433
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:37,455
Is that it?
434
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:38,456
Yeah, that's right.
435
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:39,724
So let me
Pour you a drink.
436
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,360
You're gonna drink this
Whole bottle of booze.
437
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,061
And then you're gonna
Drink another
438
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,564
And another...
Until you are so sick
439
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,399
That you're never
Gonna want to look
440
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,067
At a bottle
Of booze again.
441
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,669
Can I have a lime?
442
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,304
What are you doing?
443
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:57,207
I'm saving
Your brother's life.
444
00:17:57,209 --> 00:17:58,843
Because I love him.
445
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,178
Oh, great plan, dick.
446
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,679
How you gonna
Help me,
447
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,881
Make me sleep on
An electric blanket?
448
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,883
What I do, I do
For our family.
449
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:07,918
Oh, please. What you do,
You do for yourself.
450
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,220
I mean, my god,
Look at us.
451
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,221
Yeah. All 'cause
You wanted to be
452
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,222
In some movie.
453
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,223
Oh, come on!
454
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:13,224
You wanted
To do it, too.
455
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:14,225
You manipulate.
456
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:15,226
Yeah!
Yeah!
457
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,461
Where would
You all be
458
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:17,929
Without
My manipulation?
459
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:21,866
I was just trying to be
A good alcoholic for you.
460
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,268
[all arguing at once]
461
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:28,072
You want some secrets,
Albright?
462
00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,073
Hmm?
463
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:32,176
You want the big,
Fat family secret?
464
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:33,811
Tommy? What
Are you doing?
465
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:35,913
Dick's not even
My real father.
466
00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:40,984
Come on, aunt sally,
Uncle harry.
467
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:48,092
The lesbian has
Left the building.
468
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,631
I think they just...
469
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:59,603
Occasionally,
We have a little, uh...
470
00:18:59,605 --> 00:19:03,607
It's healthy for
An ideal family to...
471
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:07,878
This movie is over!
472
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,014
Sometimes a film
Captures the truth.
473
00:19:11,016 --> 00:19:14,318
Sometimes a film
Creates its own truth.
474
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,321
I'm dr. Mary albright.
475
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,855
Ph.D.
476
00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:24,428
Thank you.
477
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:25,429
Bravo!
Bravo!
478
00:19:25,431 --> 00:19:27,231
Thank you all so--
479
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:32,836
And I thought my family
Was screwed up.
480
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,106
You made me laugh,
You made me cry.
481
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:37,374
Oh, my god,
They actually like us.
482
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:38,409
Wow.
483
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,977
Tommy.
484
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,346
You were so dark
And troubled...
485
00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:44,181
And screwed up.
486
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,283
I am so lucky.
487
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:48,219
Ha. Oh,
That's great.
488
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,354
Hey, you wanna
Get some punch?
489
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:54,057
Um...It's a little close
To bedtime, isn't it?
490
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,362
Sally?
491
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:00,864
I want you to know
That I accept you
492
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,366
For who you are,
493
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,135
And if we end up
Being just friends--
494
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:09,173
Sally.
495
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:10,574
Don.
496
00:20:10,576 --> 00:20:12,442
Oh, man.
497
00:20:12,444 --> 00:20:14,478
Wow.
498
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,447
You just kissed the gay
Right outta me.
499
00:20:17,449 --> 00:20:18,448
I did?
500
00:20:18,450 --> 00:20:20,183
Uh-huh.
501
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:21,652
What can I say?
502
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:22,586
It's a gift.
503
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,790
So, uh, what
Did you think?
504
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:27,891
Hmm?
505
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,494
Oh, it was terrific.
Really good.
506
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:31,495
You really think so?
507
00:20:31,497 --> 00:20:32,496
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
508
00:20:32,498 --> 00:20:34,298
Hey, uh, do you
Think I have a shot
509
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,033
With that
Tap dancing lady?
510
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,703
Oh, I think you've got
More than a shot.
511
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,376
Mary, what say we go
Back to your place
512
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:49,446
And make a little
Film of our own?
513
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:52,316
Are you suggesting what
I think you're suggesting?
514
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:53,684
Oh, yeah.
515
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,319
A movie about me
516
00:20:55,321 --> 00:20:56,988
Without the rest
Of the family.
517
00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:59,023
I was thinking...
"A day in the life."
518
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,858
You follow me
To the office--
519
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,126
Don't film nina.
36601
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