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1
00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:05,403
You wanted
To see me, dick?
2
00:00:05,405 --> 00:00:06,805
Oh, mary, thank god.
3
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,940
I wanted to show you
That if you mix up
The letters
4
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,442
In your last name,
5
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:11,943
It spells "Lab right."
6
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:15,447
Ok.
7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,516
But what was the emergency
8
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,451
That couldn't wait
Another second,
9
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,154
That made me
Get off the phone
With the chancellor?
10
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,756
"Lab right."
11
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:28,427
Dick, look.
Something weird
Is going on at work.
12
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,228
Doug's gonna make me
Pay taxes.
13
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:32,964
Everyone pays taxes,
Harry.
14
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,000
It is our duty, nay,
Our privilege
15
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:37,602
To pay taxes
When we purchase goods,
16
00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:40,406
Such as chocolates
And combs.
17
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,408
That's very noble
Of you, dick,
In february.
18
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:45,476
Let's see what you say
In april when you have
To file your return.
19
00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:46,578
My return?
20
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,879
Your tax return.
21
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,082
Oh. My tax return.
22
00:00:51,084 --> 00:00:52,784
The one you file
Every year.
23
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:53,952
Oh, that. Yes.
24
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,087
Well, nina does
All my filing.
25
00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:57,088
Uh, nina!
26
00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:58,023
What?
27
00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,591
Uh, bring me my return.
28
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:00,592
Your return?
29
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:01,660
My return. My return.
30
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,728
You see what
I have to deal with?
31
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,364
My return!
32
00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:10,335
All right. Form 1040.
33
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:12,437
First name: dick.
34
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:15,007
Last name: solomon.
35
00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:18,143
And mary said this would
Be complicated.
36
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:21,146
Dick, this is so boring.
Why are we doing it?
37
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:24,215
Because, sally,
This is what humans do.
38
00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,217
It's like their
National pastime.
39
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:27,619
And you don't want us
To stand out.
40
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,621
Hey. You know
What would be funny?
41
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:33,258
Where it says sex,
Write "Frequently."
42
00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:36,261
That's a good one, harry!
43
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:37,629
That is funny.
44
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:40,031
They don't ask
For your sex here.
45
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,100
Well, if there's anyplace
You can indicate
46
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,770
That you like to have
Frequent sex, I think
It's worth doing.
47
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,041
"Farm income or loss."
48
00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:52,477
So did our farm
Show a profit last year?
49
00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:53,912
No. Where is
Schedule f?
50
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,914
Wait, wait. We didn't
Have a farm last year.
51
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,348
We lost the farm!
52
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,417
No!
53
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,720
Line 14.
"Other gains or losses."
54
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:02,588
I gained 2 pounds.
55
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:03,755
I lost my virginity.
56
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:04,823
Hey.
57
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,257
There's
Your opportunity
58
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:09,728
For that
Frequent sex thing
Going to throw in.
59
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,931
"Enter itemized deductions
From page 3, schedule c,
Line 2,
60
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:16,801
To the extent they are
Allowable on schedule a,
Form 1040-nr."
61
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:19,804
"Enter the larger
Of your itemized
Deductions
62
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:24,743
From line 28
Or standard deduction
Shown on the left."
63
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,978
My left or its left?
64
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:31,683
"See page 30 to find
Your standard deduction
65
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:35,687
"If you checked any box
On line 35-a or 35-b
66
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:40,325
Or if someone
Can claim you
As a dependent."
67
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:48,867
I'm telling you,
There is no schedule p!
68
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,936
There has to be, damn it!
69
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,304
I don't understand this!
70
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:53,539
I'm a superior being.
71
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:56,175
I can calculate
The decaying orbit
Of a dying moon
72
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,177
To within 1/10 of an inch.
73
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,979
Why can't I calculate
The subtotal of line 59-a?
74
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,915
Why can't I find
Line 59-a?
75
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,817
Where the hell
Is line 59-a?!
76
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,752
I can't take this
Anymore!
77
00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,521
I hate it! I hate it!
78
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,156
I hate it! I hate it!
79
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,698
Oh, here it is.
80
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,834
Everybody just settle down.
81
00:03:55,035 --> 00:04:00,372
Captioning made possible by
Carsey-werner productions
And the national
Broadcasting company
82
00:04:02,108 --> 00:04:06,678
Ok, you add lines 41
Through 47.
83
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,680
Oh, yes, mary.
84
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:11,082
You are the sexiest
Accountant in town.
85
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,150
Yeah.
86
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:13,818
Just a minute, dick.
I'm not quite done.
87
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,821
Oh, that's it mary.
Crunch those numbers.
88
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,189
Crunch 'em good.
89
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,625
So you subtract line 64
90
00:04:20,627 --> 00:04:22,494
From 56...
91
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,328
Yes. Now deduct my pants.
92
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:29,301
Dick, I think
You're gonna want to
Keep your pants on.
93
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:30,735
Why is that?
94
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,305
Because you're about to
Lose your shirt.
95
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:34,739
And so are you.
96
00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:37,875
You owe $9,500!
97
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:39,377
What?!
98
00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:41,412
You bitch!
99
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,518
You didn't pay any taxes.
What did you expect?
100
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,087
Well, I certainly
Didn't expect my girlfriend
101
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,322
To wear my ass
As a snowshoe!
102
00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:57,395
$9,500?
103
00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:58,896
Oh, my god!
104
00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:00,899
You guys,
What are we gonna do?
105
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:04,102
Look at all these receipts
From all these meals.
106
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:06,337
If we'd only
Talked about business
During some of them,
107
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:08,907
We could write off
All this money
As deductions.
108
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,615
Who says we didn't...
109
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,716
Talk about business?
110
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:21,386
Yes.
111
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:22,720
'cause that's
The only reason
112
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,756
We ever go out
To eat, anyway,
Right,
113
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:25,957
Is to talk...
114
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:28,126
About...Business.
115
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,463
Business.
116
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,499
Ok, I must tune out,
117
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:38,603
Because I never
Hear us talking
About business.
118
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:41,273
Yes.
119
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:43,275
We can lie
120
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,343
On our taxes.
121
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,148
I can't believe
That no human
122
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,150
Has ever
Thought of this before.
123
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:54,453
Ok, wait a second,
You guys.
What if we get caught?
124
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:56,455
How can we get caught?
125
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,957
All those other dopes
Out there
126
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,493
Are telling the truth
About their taxes.
127
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,394
They're just going
To assume that...
128
00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:05,063
We are, too.
129
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,064
Hey,
Check this out.
130
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,566
You can get
A deduction
131
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,867
For having
A home business.
132
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:09,934
Really?
133
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,870
Then it's a good thing
134
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,840
That you run one here,
Sally.
135
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:16,341
Yes, dick,
136
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,776
It sure is.
137
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,446
Is this the business
138
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:24,816
That I never
Hear you guys
Talking about?
139
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:26,918
Oh, and look at this.
140
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,288
Here's a receipt
For $14.99.
141
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,290
Or is it...
142
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:36,194
$114.99?
143
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:39,330
Or is it...
144
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:44,068
$1,114.99?
145
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,937
Wait, wait, wait.
You think they'll
Buy that?
146
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:48,806
I mean,
That's a lot of money.
For a pencil sharpener.
147
00:06:48,808 --> 00:06:50,876
Simple.
148
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:54,045
We just cross out
"Pencil sharpener"...
149
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,214
And write in...
150
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:59,217
"Airplane."
151
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,454
It's brilliant!
152
00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:09,393
Well...
153
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:11,395
Here is our home business.
154
00:07:11,397 --> 00:07:12,396
Thanks, dubie.
155
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:14,799
What, we're selling chairs?
156
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,734
No, hon.
It's a salon chair.
157
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:19,737
We put up a sign,
Take a few pictures.
158
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:20,738
Anybody asks,
159
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:22,374
It was a failed
Home business.
160
00:07:22,376 --> 00:07:23,841
Deduction city.
161
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:26,445
You know,
There's a funny story
About how I got that chair.
162
00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,778
Heard it!
Heard it!
163
00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:32,149
I got your sign, sally.
164
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:34,385
Great! It looks like
A real business.
165
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,454
You put it up
Outside, ok?
166
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,089
Ok, everybody,
I've got it.
167
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,224
I played with
The numbers a bit,
168
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,227
Entered a few harmless
Clerical mistakes,
And guess what.
169
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:44,896
The government now owes us
170
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,131
$375,000!
171
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,132
Oh, yeah!
172
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,001
Tommy:
Who needs ed mcmahon?
173
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,469
We've got uncle sam!
174
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,972
This is really
Working out great for us.
175
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,074
If we keep doing
Our taxes like this,
176
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,309
In a few years,
We'll be millionaires.
177
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,645
You know, I once
Had a millionaire--
178
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,647
Heard it!
Heard it!
Heard it!
179
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,082
Excuse me.
180
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,718
Is this sally's
Actual salon?
181
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,489
Uh, yeah.
182
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:13,792
Well, good!
I could really
Use a cut.
183
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:20,698
Oh, ok, I guess. Sure.
184
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,018
Mary: go on.
Give it to him.
185
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,086
Why should I?
186
00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:42,153
Well, you're my assistant.
187
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,722
Now give it to him.
188
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,456
You give it to him.
You're sleeping
With him.
189
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,091
Well, you can
Sleep with him.
190
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:48,026
You're nuts.
I'm not gonna do it.
191
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,227
No, just give it!
Just give--
192
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,930
Can I play?
193
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:54,532
Unless the rules
Are very complicated.
194
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,234
Then I'll just
Sit it out.
195
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,236
You got a letter.
196
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,237
Really?
197
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,238
From the I.R.S.
198
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,806
Oh, great!
199
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,508
It's probably my check.
200
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:06,076
I took a second pass
On my return,
201
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:08,613
And it turns out
I don't owe anything.
202
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,581
It doesn't look like
A check.
203
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:11,949
It can't be
A birthday card.
204
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:14,519
My birthday
Isn't for months, and--
205
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:16,421
"Notice of audit"?
206
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:17,822
What's an audit?
207
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,056
Oh, boy.
208
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,327
An audit.
209
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,629
You are so screwed.
210
00:09:27,700 --> 00:09:29,767
Mary, she's scaring me.
211
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:31,769
Dick, sit down.
We have to talk.
212
00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:33,838
Can't it wait
Till after my audit?
213
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,273
Everything
Is gonna be fine.
214
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:36,807
You just have to
Tell the truth.
215
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:38,809
It's not as if
You have something
To hide, right?
216
00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:41,379
Hide? No.
I have nothing to hide.
Why would I hide?
217
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,413
That's good,
218
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,015
Because they're gonna
Be all over you.
219
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:48,686
They're gonna dig
Into every aspect
Of your life.
220
00:09:48,688 --> 00:09:51,556
Find out everything
About you.
221
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:52,924
Everything?
222
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,992
They can be
Pretty brutal.
223
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:56,427
Oh...That's interesting.
224
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,096
N-now, if you'll excuse me,
225
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,932
I--I--I have to, uh,
Nnnnnnnn...
226
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,601
Yaah!
227
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:08,073
Ok, nellie,
228
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:10,908
What we're gonna do
Is we're just gonna
229
00:10:10,910 --> 00:10:12,277
Give you
A little bangs
230
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,979
To cover up
These tiny little
Worry lines.
231
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:16,914
Then we're gonna
Eventually
232
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,316
Graduate the sides in
Like that.
233
00:10:19,318 --> 00:10:20,818
How's that sound to ya?
234
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:21,886
I don't know.
235
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,454
Oh, trust us, darling.
236
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,890
We're just trying
To give you
A little shape.
237
00:10:25,892 --> 00:10:30,027
I mean, you have
A lovely neck here
And no one can see it.
238
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,963
Ok, let's get you
Washed.
239
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:32,897
Mr. Harry!
240
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,899
Ok, hold on, doll.
241
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,468
I only got 2 hands.
242
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,436
Come on.
243
00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:41,306
That's the stuff.
244
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,474
There you go.
245
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,976
Family meeting!
246
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,677
Family meeting!
247
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:53,751
Who is this?
248
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:54,752
Oh, that's my 4:00.
249
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:56,086
You can go sit in
The chair, hon. Tommy.
250
00:10:56,088 --> 00:10:57,655
Would you like
Some mineral water
251
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:58,756
While you're waiting?
252
00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,157
Why don't you
Just go run along,
Dear?
253
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,225
Um, where should I go--
254
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,693
Get out!
255
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,162
Ok, listen up.
256
00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,664
I've got
Horrible news.
257
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,800
We're being audited
By the I.R.S.
258
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,636
What? Does that mean
We don't get the $375,000?
259
00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,103
It's worse. Agents
Of the government
260
00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:16,374
Are gonna
Go through our lives
With a fine-tooth comb.
261
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,543
Every detail of our past
Examined under
A microscope,
262
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,145
For the last 6 years!
263
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,714
So? We've only
Been on the planet
For 3.
264
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:23,981
That's
The whole problem.
265
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:26,317
The more they probe
Into our past,
266
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,252
The more
They'll find out
We don't have one!
267
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:31,422
Because we're aliens.
268
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:34,925
That is the conclusion
They will draw.
269
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:36,227
[exasperated muttering]
270
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,596
Now, we've all got to have
Detailed explanations
271
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,798
For the last 6 years:
Where we've been,
What we've done,
272
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,599
And the documentation
To prove it.
273
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:45,836
Oh, I did that,
Like 3 years ago.
274
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:47,005
You did?
275
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,673
Yeah. Complete
And airtight.
276
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,207
I gave them to you guys.
What'd you do with them?
277
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:56,881
[all making excuses at once]
278
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,449
I'm sorry.
279
00:11:58,451 --> 00:11:59,650
That's just great.
280
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:00,718
You know, sometimes
281
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,986
I don't even know why
I bother!
282
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,921
You're just gonna have
To go and do it again.
283
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:07,224
We need foolproof
Backgrounds by tomorrow.
Now get cracking!
284
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,160
Oh, and, sally?
Bump your 4:00.
285
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:12,096
I'm not gonna battle
Faceless and hostile
Government forces
286
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:18,936
With this unsightly
Fuzz on my neck.
287
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,440
Oh, hello, mary.
288
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:26,510
I was just thinking
About how long
I've known you.
289
00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:29,714
10 long years.
290
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,716
It's more like 3 years.
291
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:34,151
Well, then you'd be
Comfortable saying
292
00:12:34,153 --> 00:12:35,720
7 long years.
293
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,822
No, it's 3 years, dick.
294
00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:39,424
So I can safely quote you
295
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,192
As saying
That you've known me
296
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,826
For 6 good,
Verifiable years, then?
297
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,194
3.
298
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:47,498
Fair enough.
299
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,200
But you are quite familiar
With what I was doing
300
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:51,835
In the 3 years
Prior to that?
301
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,337
Are you kidding me?
302
00:12:53,339 --> 00:12:56,340
You never told me
Anything about your life
303
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,841
Before you started
Working here.
304
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,411
You hem, you haw,
You rush in,
You rush out.
305
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,680
Oh, let's not forget
The spontaneous
Laryngitis.
306
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,249
That was going around.
307
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,683
How about the truth, dick?
308
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,952
Tommy's coming up with
The truth right now,
309
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,520
But in the meantime...
310
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,056
I'm going to need you
To play ball.
311
00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,491
Oh, no. You're not
Gonna drag me into this.
312
00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:17,061
Drag you into this?
This whole thing
Is your fault!
313
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:19,997
If it weren't for you,
I never would have filed
My damn tax return
314
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,232
In the first place!
315
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,101
Well, if you hadn't
Fudged with my numbers,
316
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:24,601
You wouldn't be in
This situation.
317
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:27,905
Just remember this.
If I go down,
You're coming down with me!
318
00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:30,975
I hope you burn in hell,
Mary albright!
319
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:39,583
Ok, that last bit
Was a little harsh.
320
00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:42,920
But it's been building up
For 8 long years.
321
00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:44,355
3.
322
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:45,456
Damn!
323
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,959
How's that feel?
324
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,394
Oh--oh, that's hot.
325
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,729
Good. Good, good.
326
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:52,797
No!
327
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:55,366
It is the truth,
I am telling you.
328
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:58,302
Oh, I've got another
Client--top-secret--
329
00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:00,037
I cannot tell you
Who it is.
330
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:02,973
But she's had
Her nose done 3 times,
331
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,243
And she's still not happy.
332
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:06,744
Is it maggie wright?
333
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,845
Yeah.
334
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,248
But I told her,
Enough is enough.
335
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,918
I think she looks like
A witch.
336
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,753
Ohh! You!
337
00:14:15,755 --> 00:14:17,888
Harry, sally,
Can I talk to you
For a minute?
338
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:19,924
Oh, sorry, hon,
We're completely booked.
339
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:21,492
Yeah. Maybe we can
Fit you in tomorrow around--
340
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:22,493
Now!
341
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,727
Now!
342
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,365
Ok. I got your new
Biographies done.
343
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,933
You have to have them
Memorized by tomorrow.
344
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,469
All right, sally.
345
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,972
From 1992 to 1994
You were an unpaid docent
346
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:37,741
At the museum
Of chippewa heritage.
347
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,245
No, no, no, no.
348
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,814
In a coma?
349
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,318
Mm...
350
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,787
No, no, no, no, miss thing.
I don't think so.
351
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,591
Ok, you know what?
I just spent 2 days
352
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,593
Documenting and falsifying
These covers,
353
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:58,195
But you go in there tomorrow
And say whatever you want!
354
00:14:58,197 --> 00:14:59,630
It's your alien autopsy, ok?
355
00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,538
All right, let's focus
And go over it once again.
356
00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:11,242
Before we moved here
On january 9, 1996,
357
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,010
Where did we live...Sally?
358
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:16,680
2740 vernon place,
Stewart, florida, sir!
359
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,718
And florida would be
On what, neptune?
360
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,486
No! Earth, sir!
361
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:23,921
That's good.
362
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,290
And during our time
In florida, was I ever
Gainfully employed?
363
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:27,992
No, you were not!
So how did we live?
364
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:29,327
By our wits, sir!
365
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,428
Good.
366
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:35,333
Oh, by the way, are we
From a distant galaxy? You.
367
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,473
No...
368
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,544
Are you sure?
369
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:50,014
[mouthing silently]
370
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,449
Yes, sir!
371
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,151
Ok.
372
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,885
Now let's go over
Our return.
373
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,888
You, young man.
How could this family
Have lived for 3 years
374
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,290
With no visible income?
375
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,658
How many cans?
We collected cans.
376
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,760
123,450 cans.
377
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:04,095
And you didn't
Report that income?
378
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,896
The income was $6,217,
379
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:08,399
Which falls well below
Federal limits for filing.
380
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,334
Your numbers
Don't add up!
381
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,935
We turned in
30% of those cans
382
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:13,071
In michigan
Where it's 5 cents
A can, sir!
383
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:19,177
Oh, yeah?
384
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:22,347
In michigan, eh?
385
00:16:22,349 --> 00:16:24,882
Where I was in a coma!
386
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,123
Sir!
387
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,162
Now, mr. Solomon,
388
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:41,632
There are some
Irregularities here
On your tax return.
389
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:43,567
I must say,
I was surprised
390
00:16:43,569 --> 00:16:45,169
By some of these numbers--
391
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,672
Well, then,
Let's go over them,
Mr. Gindek.
392
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,106
I've got nothing
To hide.
393
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:50,141
Me neither.
394
00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:53,044
Nor I.
395
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,511
We're ready to talk.
396
00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:55,512
Yeah.
397
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,513
Yes.
398
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,716
Now, here on schedule e--
399
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,117
Schedule e.
400
00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:02,119
Yeah, I remember
The first time
401
00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:03,687
I saw schedule e.
402
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:05,689
It was around 1992.
403
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:07,058
Do you remember that?
404
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,560
Oh, yeah.
Oh, incredible.
What a day.
405
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,996
I was, uh,
Right here on earth,
406
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,866
As carbon based
As the next guy.
407
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,269
You claim a $16,000--
408
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:20,270
Oh, gosh!
409
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:23,373
You guys remember
March 20, 1994?
410
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,975
Like it was
Yesterday.
411
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,077
Remember
That steakhouse
We went to?
412
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,011
Ohh, yes.
413
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:30,714
I had the porterhouse--
No, no, no--
414
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:31,983
I had the flank.
415
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:33,617
No, dick.
I had the flank.
416
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,052
Are you sure?
'cause I'm almost
Positive I had the flank.
417
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,988
No, 'cause I always
Get the flank.
418
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:37,989
[arguing]
419
00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:40,757
Maybe you both
Had the flank!
420
00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:43,894
Yes.
421
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,996
There's no law
Against...
422
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:49,166
2 people having
The flank.
423
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,601
There's certainly
Nothing...
424
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,537
Alien about it.
425
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,071
Ha ha ha ha!
426
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,072
The--he--
427
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,907
Ha ha ha ha!
428
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,910
I've just...
Got to grab something
Off the printer.
429
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,219
Oh, my god!
Do you think he knows?
430
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,220
He definitely knows!
431
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,522
It was you
With the flank steak!
432
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:13,391
This is what
We're gonna do.
433
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,893
When he comes back in,
I break his neck.
434
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,327
Then we make our escape,
435
00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:19,997
And I snap everyone's neck
From here till we get home.
436
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,399
There's no way
They'll catch us!
437
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,938
Let's call that plan b.
438
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,074
Quick, let's buy some time
By barricading the door.
439
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:33,010
Just push the desk
Over against the door.
440
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:34,479
That's right. Push it.
441
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:36,213
I can't see him.
442
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:44,421
What are you doing?
443
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,626
Uh...
444
00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:51,562
It...
445
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:54,498
It just--
It just slid right over.
446
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:59,236
Do your realize
This whole floor
Is slanted?
447
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:02,673
Look, I think I see
What you're trying to do,
448
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,841
And...Frankly,
It's not going to work.
449
00:19:04,843 --> 00:19:06,443
All right!
450
00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:08,646
It's time to come clean.
451
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:12,082
The reason why we haven't
Been filing returns is...
452
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,617
We were kidnapped.
453
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:15,052
That's right!
454
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,053
Yeah! Yeah!
455
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,655
And they said
If we filed our taxes...
456
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:22,226
They'd kill us!
457
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:23,894
Oh, really?
458
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,095
No!
459
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,430
Uh, no.
460
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,966
To be honest,
We were in the witness
Protection program,
461
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,901
And they were very bad
About forwarding our mail.
462
00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:33,637
I don't think so.
463
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,106
Ok. How about this?
464
00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,276
We've spend the last 4 years
465
00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:41,612
Living in
The canadian rockies
With a pack of wolves!
466
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:42,846
A pack of wolves.
467
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,582
Yes. I was the alpha dog.
468
00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:48,986
Mr. Solomon,
Why don't you just cooperate?
469
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,921
You're only making things
Harder.
470
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,957
All right.
471
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,361
All right, you've caught us.
472
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,430
We are aliens.
473
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:06,871
We came here from
A barred spiral galaxy...
474
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:10,140
In the cepheus draco
Border territory...
475
00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:13,443
In order to study
Your species.
476
00:20:13,445 --> 00:20:16,847
I only ask that you
Take into account
Our good intentions
477
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:21,218
Before you call in
Your scientists...
478
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:25,055
To dissect us.
479
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:31,428
Sorry, folks.
I've heard that one
Before, too.
480
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:40,404
Mr. Solomon,
You owe $16,143
In back taxes.
481
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:43,707
Yay!
Yes!
Yes!
482
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,344
Mr. Gindek!
Aah!
Mr. Gindek!
483
00:20:47,346 --> 00:20:49,046
Thank you!
Thank you!
484
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,017
Well, we still have
A lot to learn.
485
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,086
Could you imagine
A real human being
486
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,088
Afraid of
A tax audit?
487
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,089
Ha ha! I know.
488
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,091
Although I do feel
A little more human
489
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,894
Now that we've been
Reamed by the I.R.S.
490
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,263
I think "Reamed"
Is an understatement.
491
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,766
Yeah. We're paying taxes
For years we weren't even
On the planet.
492
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:12,403
Yeah, well, luckily,
My business is booming.
493
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,972
Hey, mr. Harry,
How many appointments
For tomorrow?
494
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,207
Let's see. Uh...
495
00:21:17,209 --> 00:21:18,441
None.
496
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,676
What?!
497
00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:21,845
In all fairness, sally,
You have terrible haircuts.
498
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:23,347
Oh, right. I forgot.
499
00:21:23,349 --> 00:21:24,915
Hey, by the way,
500
00:21:24,917 --> 00:21:26,850
Did you guys see
Dubcek's face
501
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:28,952
When she came out
Of the dryer?
502
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:30,921
Errr!
Is this
What I paid for?
503
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:33,757
Captioning made possible by
Carsey-werner productions
And the national
Broadcasting company
504
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:36,026
Captioning performed by
The national captioning
Institute, inc.
505
00:21:38,264 --> 00:21:41,232
Sally, I had no idea
You'd gone
To beauty school.
506
00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:42,933
Oh, sure.
507
00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:46,336
Back in '92--
Remember '92, tommy?
508
00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:48,839
Sure. 1992.
The year we danced
509
00:21:48,841 --> 00:21:50,974
To the music
Of vanilla ice,
510
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,477
And scent of a woman introduced america
511
00:21:53,479 --> 00:21:55,479
To a young heartthrob
Named chris o'donnell.
512
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:57,714
Oh, how's that feel?
Ow!
513
00:21:57,716 --> 00:21:58,982
It hurt.
514
00:21:58,984 --> 00:21:59,917
Oh, good. Good.
515
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,985
Ow! Ow! Ow!
516
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:04,755
Public performance of captions
Prohibited without permission of
National captioning institute
517
00:22:04,757 --> 00:22:06,023
Ow! Ow! Ow!
37416
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