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1
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,604
Mail's here.
2
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:06,938
Ah, the mail.
3
00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:09,708
What would a day
On earth be like
Without the mail?
4
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:11,209
Probably a lot
Like sunday.
5
00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:12,878
Ah! Ha ha.
6
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,112
"Sally solomon,
7
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:17,015
"You have been preapproved
For a platinum credit card.
8
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:21,820
Only our most valued and
Cherished customers qualify
For platinum status."
9
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,988
You guys, I qualify
For platinum status!
10
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:26,224
So did I!
Me too!
11
00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:27,859
Hello, family.
12
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:28,794
Hey, mail's here.
13
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,295
Ah, the mail.
14
00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:33,298
What would a day
On earth be like
Without the mail?
15
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,501
Probably a lot
Like sunday.
16
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:38,737
You know, that's
Very clever. Harry.
17
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:39,971
Uh, wait. I said that.
18
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:41,640
Oh, really?
19
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,609
How sad.
20
00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:48,147
Oh, this one's addressed
To "Mr. Richard solomon."
21
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,481
My, how formal.
22
00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:51,983
"Dearest richard,
23
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,319
"I hope with all of my heart
That this letter finds you.
24
00:00:54,321 --> 00:00:57,022
"Too many years
Have gone by.
We miss you greatly.
25
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,358
"Please come to the solomon
Family reunion this year.
26
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,094
All of my love,
Aunt florence."
27
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,495
Dick, you never
Told us
28
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,029
You had
An aunt florence.
29
00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:06,131
He doesn't, you mook.
30
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,432
That letter was
Obviously meant
31
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:08,833
For some other
Dick solomon.
32
00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:11,003
Well, I'll just call up
This aunt florence
33
00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:12,070
And set her straight.
34
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,071
Great scott!
35
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:16,008
I've qualified for
Platinum status!
36
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:21,980
Captioning made possible by
Carsey-werner productions
And the national
Broadcasting company
37
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:34,626
Captioning performed by
The national captioning
Institute, inc.
38
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:54,379
Public performance of captions
Prohibited without permission of
National captioning institute
39
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,884
Yes, hello.
Is this florence solomon?
40
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:01,119
Hi, my name is dick solomon.
41
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:06,391
I-I've got this, uh,
Invitation to a family
Reunion, and I--
42
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:09,061
Well, yes, it's nice to hear
Your voice, too, but--
43
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:14,399
Yes, I am as adorable
As I always was.
44
00:02:16,070 --> 00:02:18,237
Has it really been 43 years?
45
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:23,342
Then, if I did turn up,
46
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:26,078
You probably wouldn't even
Recognize me, huh?
47
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:28,981
That's--
48
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:33,585
Yes, it would be wonderful
To see the family again,
Aunt florence.
49
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:35,587
I love you, too.
50
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:36,588
Yes...
51
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,323
Yes. Bye-bye.
52
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:41,760
I have
An aunt florence.
53
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:43,261
What?
54
00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:46,098
What? Oh, that was
Aunt florence
In indiana.
55
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:48,734
Since when do you have
An aunt florence in indiana?
56
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:51,303
Since when do you have
An aunt florence
In indiana?
57
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,270
I don't.
58
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:53,938
So where's the big
Coincidence?
59
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,174
You know, sometimes,
Nina, you make no sense.
60
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,343
Are you gonna
Visit her?
61
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,512
We have a family reunion
This weekend.
62
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,948
It sounds like it's gonna be
Wonderful. You wanna come?
63
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,316
Are you sure
It's all right?
64
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:05,717
Well, of course
It's all right.
65
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,785
Oh, dick, it's family, I--
66
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,119
No, don't worry,
Mary.
67
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,955
I'm sure you'll find
My family
68
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,689
To be warm
And nurturing.
69
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,624
It won't bear
Any resemblance
70
00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:16,627
To the liquor-drenched
Orgy of hatred
And recrimination
71
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:18,997
That marks every
Albright get-together.
72
00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:28,707
Sally, we're not spending
The whole winter
At this reunion.
73
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,375
Back off, all right?
I'm not like you guys.
74
00:03:30,377 --> 00:03:33,245
I can't just throw in
A toothbrush and
A pair of underwear
75
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,479
And be set for the weekend.
76
00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:37,849
Underwear!
77
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,122
Well, is everybody
Ready to go to
Our family reunion?
78
00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:46,924
Dick, this is not
Our family.
79
00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:48,392
Yeah, what if they
Start asking questions?
80
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:49,894
Yeah.
Well, that's
The beauty of this.
81
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,597
Aunt florence
Hasn't seen richard
Since he was 5 years old.
82
00:03:52,599 --> 00:03:53,831
For all they know,
I'm him.
83
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:55,233
Well, as a teenager,
84
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,503
The idea of going
To a family reunion
Sickens me to my core.
85
00:03:58,505 --> 00:03:59,937
Tommy, uh...
86
00:03:59,939 --> 00:04:02,740
We've been here on earth
For almost 3 years,
87
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:05,343
And we still lack something
That's so important to us--
88
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:07,945
Roots. A connection.
89
00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,881
Life here is not just about
Where we're going,
90
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,916
It's about where
We've come from.
91
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,284
Now we'd better get
On the road.
92
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:16,187
You know how
Aunt florence hates it
When we're late.
93
00:04:22,529 --> 00:04:25,029
[ding-dong]
94
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:26,964
Aunt florence?
95
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:28,133
Yes?
96
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,467
It's me. Richard.
97
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:30,468
Richard?
98
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,205
Oh, my goodness!
It is you!
99
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:35,206
Abe! It's richard!
100
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,242
Well, I'll be
Damned! Ha ha!
101
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:39,878
Ha ha ha!
Well, welcome back!
102
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,579
And who are all these
Lovely people?
103
00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:45,850
Well, this is my sister,
Your niece sally.
104
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:48,053
And this is my son,
Your grandnephew tommy.
105
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,889
And this is my brother,
Your nephew harry.
106
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:51,890
Yaah! Harry!
107
00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:56,728
And this little hottie
Is my girlfriend mary.
108
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,230
Nice to meet you,
Florence.
109
00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,965
Richard, come greet
The family.
110
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,433
They can't wait
To see you.
111
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:04,669
Oh, I can't wait
To see them.
112
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:08,240
Uh, well, we brought you this.
113
00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:09,908
It goes great with steak.
114
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:13,945
At least it did last night.
115
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,179
You cheap bastard,
116
00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:17,048
You'll fit right in
Around here.
117
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,650
Bunch of tightwads?
118
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,119
Tightwads? Don't
Even get me started
With this family.
119
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,287
Come here.
120
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,588
It's me,
Richard!
121
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,759
Oh, it's me, richard!
122
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,027
Oh, this is so great.
123
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:30,495
I just opened my arms,
124
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:33,765
And I'm hugged and kissed
And pinched by all sorts
Of people.
125
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,368
There isn't even
A cover charge.
126
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,603
We're family,
Richard!
127
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,439
Family.
It's me, richard!
128
00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:44,542
Oh, it does
My heart good
To see him back.
129
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,145
It's funny. He never
Mentioned any of you.
130
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,679
Well, given
All the troubles,
131
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:50,548
I never thought
I'd see him here again.
132
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:53,618
What troubles?
133
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,156
Hi.
134
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,358
Hey.
135
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,226
Hey.
136
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,498
That's a great top.
137
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,566
You think so?
138
00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:10,701
I didn't know what to wear.
139
00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:11,969
Oh, no, it's--
It's perfect.
140
00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:13,971
Oh, thanks. I live
With a bunch of men,
141
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:15,306
And they were no help
At all.
142
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,008
Yeah. Ha ha.
143
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,543
Hey, I'm michelle,
Martha's daughter.
144
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:21,079
Oh, hi, I'm sally,
Richard's sister.
145
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,947
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
146
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:24,315
Hey, you know what?
147
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,484
My sweater would go
So great with that top.
148
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:27,719
Oh, you wanna try it on?
149
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:28,987
Sure.
150
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,457
Oh, yeah.
Definitely hip.
151
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:33,992
Cool. Ha ha.
152
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,761
Hey, you wanna
Wear my shoes?
153
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:40,665
I've got a pair of socks
I'm not using. I'll go get 'em.
154
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,744
It's, uh, pot roast.
155
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,180
Oh, wow.
I was way off.
156
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,417
Hi. I'm janine.
157
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,185
I'm tommy.
158
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:02,354
So...
159
00:07:02,356 --> 00:07:04,155
[bored]
This is pretty fun, huh?
160
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,356
Oh, yeah.
161
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,291
Hey? You wanna
Get outta here?
162
00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:09,427
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
163
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,963
Aunt sylvia: audrey made
Her famous ambrosia.
164
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,199
You better hurry,
It's gonna go.
165
00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,369
Sweet woman,
That sylvia.
166
00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:19,704
Yeah, sweet.
But dumb
As a doorknob.
167
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,042
And don't even
Get me started
With her kids.
168
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,044
Mmm. Rocket scientists,
Huh?
169
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,645
Ohh, you got it, pal.
170
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:31,049
Well, doorknobs
Beget doorknobs.
171
00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:36,554
[hacking in unison]
172
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,258
It's me, richard!
173
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:42,894
Fellas...
174
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,562
It's me, richard!
175
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,600
Oh, you're not huggers.
I understand.
176
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:51,135
Richard, I don't suppose
You remember me.
177
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,470
I'm your cousin jacob.
178
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,673
Jacob, of course.
It's been a long time.
179
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,775
It certainly has,
Donuts.
180
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:57,909
Donuts?
181
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,910
Was that
My nickname?
182
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:01,246
Sure.
Don't you remember?
183
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,014
I was dutch,
And you were donuts.
184
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,015
Donuts?
185
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,650
This guy once ate
2 dozen doughnuts...
186
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:10,421
And puked 'em up on
Grandma lillian's wig.
187
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:11,823
Donuts.
188
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,491
Say, you're running
On empty there, dick.
189
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,759
Let me, uh,
Get you a drink.
190
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,261
Sounds good.
Fellas,
191
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,729
Last chance
For hugs.
192
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,565
Ok. Catch you later.
193
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,700
So, dick,
194
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:24,569
It's been a while.
195
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,771
I would've come sooner
If I'd known what I
Was missing.
196
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:29,674
I'll bet you would've.
197
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,776
We've done all right
Since you've been away,
Haven't we?
198
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:35,046
Oh, and I've never seen
So many kinds of dip.
199
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,449
Come on, cousin.
200
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,951
You can be straight with me.
201
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,188
What really
Brings you back here
After all this time?
202
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,857
I came to meet
My family.
203
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,292
Right.
204
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:51,729
Boy, you are some
Piece of work, dick.
205
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,197
Wait. Uh...
206
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,066
What's the problem?
Dutch?
207
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,634
It's me, donuts!
208
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,905
He told you guys
Not to hug me,
Didn't he?
209
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,975
So, sally, you have
A boyfriend?
210
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,310
Yes, I do, michelle.
211
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,711
His name is don,
212
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:07,979
And he's a cop.
213
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,647
Oh, cops are so hot.
214
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:11,482
Oh, yeah,
Tell me about it.
215
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,985
And I got me
The hottest one.
216
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,252
Hey, check him out.
217
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,995
Hands off, hon.
He's mine.
218
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:30,000
Yeah, well, my boyfriend
Just works in a cafeteria.
219
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:33,838
Hold up. Does he wear one of
Those cool cafeteria uniforms?
220
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,607
Yeah.
And aren't
Uniforms sexy?
221
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:37,609
Well, yeah.
222
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,010
All right then!
223
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:44,749
Oh, you are so cool.
I just feel like I
Can tell you stuff.
224
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,517
You know, kinda
Like you're my...
225
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,518
My sister.
226
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,027
So, janine...
227
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,531
Do you, uh,
228
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:01,165
Have a boyfriend?
229
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,268
No.
230
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,404
But I'm looking.
231
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,873
Well...
232
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:10,374
Look no further.
233
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,278
What are you doing?
234
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,113
Making my move.
235
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,115
Tommy, we can't do that.
236
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:19,650
We're, like, cousins.
237
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:22,653
Oh, yeah.
About that, see...
238
00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:25,490
The thing is, that's
Not really illegal
Or anything.
239
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,058
It's just...Taboo.
240
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:29,794
Oh, my god!
241
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,462
I'm, like, so creeped out.
242
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,531
Wait, wait. We're
Very distant cousins.
243
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:36,734
You have no idea
How distant we are.
Distant!
244
00:10:39,238 --> 00:10:42,073
Oh, mary, the oddest thing
Just happened.
245
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:44,408
I think one of my relatives
Told me off.
246
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:45,576
Was it jacob?
247
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,411
How did you know that?
248
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:50,247
Dick, how much did
Your father tell you
249
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:53,417
About what happened
Between him
And the family?
250
00:10:53,419 --> 00:10:55,086
Not a lot.
251
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:58,089
H-he lost his mouth
In the war.
252
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:00,925
You better sit down.
253
00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:04,095
Dick...
254
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,430
When your father
Fell in love
With your mother,
255
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:08,399
She had just arrived
From lithuania.
256
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:11,335
She was poor,
She didn't speak
Any english.
257
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,937
The family didn't
Approve of her.
258
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:13,938
Mommy?
259
00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:15,606
Anyway...
260
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:19,276
Your father was forced
To choose between her
And the family,
261
00:11:19,278 --> 00:11:20,444
And he chose her.
262
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:21,445
Daddy?
263
00:11:21,447 --> 00:11:23,848
So the family...
Disowned him,
264
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,616
And it was
Jacob's father
265
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:28,019
Who cut him out
Of the family
Furniture business.
266
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,488
Cast out onto the street
By his own flesh and blood?
267
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,290
My god, mary.
268
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:35,059
My family is despicable.
269
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:36,961
Ah, you get used to it.
270
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,434
They gave your mom
And dad the boot, huh?
271
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,103
Sally, it's
our mom and dad.
272
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,871
It's nobody's
Mom and dad!
273
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,874
I can't believe that
Our family would do
Anything so heartless.
274
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,977
Don't even get me
Started on this family.
275
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,881
Roger's a drunk.
276
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,483
Darren
Hasn't paid taxes
277
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,684
Since the eisenhower
Administration.
278
00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:04,655
Cousin marty's got
His own website--
279
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,657
Nakedmarty.Com.
280
00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:11,829
Why don't we just
Admit to them
That we're impostors?
281
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:12,830
Yeah, right.
282
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,331
You just want us
To come clean
283
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:16,067
So you can go suck face
With your cousin.
284
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,835
Yeah, well, at least
I haven't deluded myself
285
00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:19,170
Into thinking
I have a sister.
286
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,306
Hey, you leave missy
Out of this.
287
00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:22,673
I'm curious.
288
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:27,478
Does this family have
A history of mental illness?
289
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,348
Well, there is
A touch of dementia
On my father's side.
290
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:34,185
Oh, that explains
A few things.
291
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,686
Dick, what are
You doing?
292
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,687
I have to talk
To jacob.
293
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:37,688
Well,
Calm down.
294
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,689
Jacob,
We have to talk.
295
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:39,924
Here it comes.
296
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,993
I've heard
Some things
About the family
297
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:42,994
And the business--
298
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,129
So you finally
Worked up the marbles
299
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,530
To get around to it.
300
00:12:46,532 --> 00:12:47,765
So, this is about the business.
301
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,200
Who's she, your lawyer?
302
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,202
Oh, no, I'm
His girlfriend.
303
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:52,136
Oh.
304
00:12:52,138 --> 00:12:53,271
Not married?
305
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,739
That's curious.
306
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,274
Look, dick,
307
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,909
Your father
Left this family,
308
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,344
And my father was right
To cut him out
Of the business.
309
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,480
As far as I'm concerned,
You're not entitled
To a penny.
310
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,015
You think I want money?!
311
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,184
Well, by the looks of
That car you arrived in,
312
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,085
I wouldn't be surprised.
313
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,320
I would have you know
314
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,723
That I'm qualified
For platinum status!
315
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,958
So I'd zip it
If I were you!
316
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,161
Oh, please.
We shouldn't
Get personal.
317
00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:18,596
I'd stay out of this,
Honey.
318
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,165
Honey?!
319
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,268
Well, let me tell you
A thing or two, honey.
320
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,403
Whoever did
Your electrolysis...
321
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:26,670
Missed a spot!
322
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:30,074
How dare you?!
323
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:31,209
Come on, jacob.
324
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,243
Oh, that's right.
That's right!
325
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,978
Hide behind
Her apron strings.
326
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,814
Oh, please, richard.
You're acting just
Like your father.
327
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,149
Damn straight,
Aunt florence!
328
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,317
Damn straight!
329
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:45,957
[playing clarinet
Badly]
330
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,692
Man, I can't catch a break.
331
00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:50,962
I finally meet a hot girl--
Who likes me--
332
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:53,163
And she turns out to be
My cousin?!
333
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:57,268
Well...
Happens to a lot
Of guys, kiddo.
334
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:00,738
Janine.
335
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:04,241
Wait a second.
Janine solomon?
Yeah.
336
00:14:04,243 --> 00:14:06,310
Well, this is
Your lucky day.
337
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:08,413
Uncle abe told me
She's adopted.
338
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,782
Adopted?
Are you sure?
339
00:14:10,784 --> 00:14:15,452
Oh, don't even get me
Started on her father's
Low sperm count.
340
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,790
Harry!
I could kiss you!
341
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:23,895
Well...
342
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,296
He's a good kid.
343
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,132
Horny, but good.
344
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,102
Hey, sally, can I
Tell you a secret?
345
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,903
Sure, missy.
Of course you can.
346
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:35,206
I'm a virgin.
347
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,641
Wow.
348
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:37,642
I know.
349
00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,811
Really? Wow.
350
00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:43,581
I remember what those days
Were like, you know.
351
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,918
Feeling like I was
The only person on earth
Who hadn't had sex.
352
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,220
Wondering what it
Was gonna be like.
353
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,588
When did you lose
Your virginity?
354
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,156
Ah, a couple of weeks ago.
355
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,960
Wow.
356
00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:58,663
Yeah. So what are you
Waiting for?
357
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:02,533
I don't know.
Uh, the right guy.
358
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,001
Oh, my god.
359
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:06,337
That is exactly
What I did.
360
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,438
That is so cool!
361
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,175
Look,
I'm tellin' ya.
362
00:15:11,177 --> 00:15:12,676
I heard ya.
363
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,681
Fah! You should
Be so lucky.
364
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:21,352
Ah! I should
Live so long.
365
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,853
Brauggghh!
366
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,389
Yaaah-aggh!
367
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:27,591
Janine. There you are.
368
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,127
I've been looking
All over for you.
369
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,663
I know.
I've been avoiding you.
370
00:15:31,665 --> 00:15:32,997
No, you don't understand.
371
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:35,166
See, it's ok if we kiss
Because we're not related.
372
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:38,269
What are you talking about?
373
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,369
You know,
'cause you're adopted.
374
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:42,706
Adopted?
375
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:45,142
[nervous laugh]
No. No way. No, I'm not.
376
00:15:45,144 --> 00:15:47,245
Yeah, sure you are.
Everybody knows it.
377
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,949
So, uh...
You wanna make out?
378
00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:52,817
Mom!
379
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:55,520
Yeah.
You just confirm it
With your mother
380
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,522
And, uh,
Get back to me.
381
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,761
They're right.
You can't go home again.
382
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:06,898
So much for "Family"
And "Brotherhood"
383
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,433
And "Home is
Where the heart is."
What a bunch of crap!
384
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:12,437
Now you know where
I've been coming from.
385
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,205
You go home
For the holidays,
386
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,574
You see that beautiful
Christmas tree
In the window.
387
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:18,209
Everything looks
So idyllic.
388
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,244
And all of a sudden
There's your mother
389
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:22,213
Swinging a 5-iron
At your father's head,
390
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,682
And the tree's
In the eggnog.
391
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,484
How do you deal with it?
392
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,086
I repress.
393
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,387
Repression is the key
To a happy family.
394
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:32,857
Doesn't sound
Very healthy.
395
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,492
If you yell and scream,
396
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,327
You end up sounding
Like your mother.
397
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:39,263
I'm gonna go get
Another drink.
398
00:16:40,599 --> 00:16:41,766
Didn't you just finish one?
399
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:44,001
Get off my back!
400
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,773
Hey, so, do you think
I should go lighter?
401
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,507
Honey, if you do,
I will kill you.
402
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,944
Michelle!
403
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:53,945
Jenny!
404
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:55,212
[both shriek]
405
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,880
Michelle? Michelle?
406
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,082
Michelle!
407
00:16:58,084 --> 00:16:59,917
Huh?
408
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:00,852
Who's that?
409
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,286
Oh! Oh!
410
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,421
Why, sally, this is jenny.
411
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:04,689
Hi, jenny.
Hi.
412
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,457
She's my sister.
413
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:07,525
Sister?
414
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,693
How's booty?
415
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,194
Oh,
Booty's great.
416
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,128
Wh-who's booty?
417
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:13,464
Hey, did you sing
To the lake yet?
418
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:14,665
You guys sing
To the lake?
419
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,400
Oh, yeah. Ever
Since we were kids.
420
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:19,069
Oh, great! Let's go
Do some lake singin'!
421
00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:22,673
Uh, well, it's kinda
Just between the two of us.
422
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,142
Are you sure
I can't help?
423
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:27,545
I mean,
That's a--a big lake,
424
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,080
And I'm real loud.
425
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:32,249
Uh...It's ok.
426
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:34,852
You know, it's just this
Sort of stupid sister thing.
427
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:36,153
[awkward laugh]
428
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,199
All right,
Everybody,
429
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,501
Get ready.
Here we go.
430
00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:55,173
Ohh! [muttering]
431
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,244
[sarcastic] This was
Some great idea, dick.
432
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,279
Yeah, I can't wait to
Come back next year.
433
00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,782
Dick, you wanna tell your
Family to stop whining.
434
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,851
No. Just smile
And repress.
435
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,118
Smile and repress.
436
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,119
All right
Now, everybody.
437
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:10,921
Come on now,
Squeeze together.
438
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,022
Squeeze together,
That's good.
439
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:13,357
Good. Ha ha.
440
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:14,525
All right now...
441
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,693
Everybody...
442
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,027
Smile!
443
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:20,498
Ohh!
444
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,134
I can't smile!
I have nothing
To smile about!
445
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,135
I hate this family!
446
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,770
Right back at ya, dick!
447
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,405
And I so wanted
To be proud of you.
448
00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:30,307
[bitterly]
My family.
449
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:33,878
You were supposed
To give me warmth
And unending love.
450
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,381
Instead you give me
A punch in the gut
And a cold tuna melt!
451
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:38,482
Well, I've had it!
452
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:40,517
And so I take my leave
Of this hellhouse
453
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,119
Just like my father
Before me!
454
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,287
Bye-bye now.
455
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,723
I'd pack you a doggy bag,
But I saw her
456
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,991
Stuffing the hors d'oeuvres
Into her pockets.
457
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:50,561
Don't flatter yourself.
It was the silverware.
458
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,898
Excuse me.
Weren't you leaving?
459
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:54,932
Oh, believe me,
We're leaving.
460
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,901
[all talking at once]
461
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:05,642
Hey! Hey! Hey!
462
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:09,446
What the hell's the matter
With you people?
463
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:12,750
You know what? I got
A little news flash for ya.
464
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,251
Dick, jacob,
465
00:19:14,253 --> 00:19:18,055
Both your fathers
Were world-class
Pains in the ass.
466
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,824
And you know what I
Admire about 'em?
467
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,092
They're both dead!
468
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,631
And right now,
I wish I was with 'em.
469
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,266
Amen to that!
470
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,101
40 years later,
471
00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:33,104
You two morons
Are still carrying on
The same grudge?!
472
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:34,505
Give it a rest!
473
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,507
What, you don't like
Each other? Boo-hoo!
474
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,742
Suck it up.
You're family!
475
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:40,944
Don't get me started.
476
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,414
Harry,
477
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,883
You are so right.
478
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:49,453
This time last week
I didn't even have
A family.
479
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:53,156
And now here I am,
Ready to reject you all
480
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:55,459
Just because you don't meet
My stupid expectations.
481
00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:58,061
Yeah, you guys have
Both got a point.
482
00:19:58,063 --> 00:20:00,464
This family's been
Split up too long.
483
00:20:00,466 --> 00:20:02,999
In fact, I don't even
Remember why anymore.
484
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:07,204
Dick, you may not be
My kind of guy,
485
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,072
But you're a solomon.
486
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:11,976
And there's not much
I can do about that.
487
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:13,877
Same here, jacob.
488
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:17,248
You may be kind of creepy,
But you're family.
489
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,617
Cousin?
Cousin.
490
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,084
Well, that's more like it.
491
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:22,452
Oh, jacob!
492
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:29,660
Aah!
493
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:30,995
Get away from me!
494
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,500
Well, good-bye now,
Sally.
495
00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:37,768
Bye-bye, jenny.
496
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,203
It was really great
Meeting you, sally.
497
00:20:39,205 --> 00:20:40,504
Yeah, you, too,
Michelle.
498
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:41,672
Hey...
499
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:44,675
If anything should
Happen to jenny...
500
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,344
You know?
501
00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:50,080
Give me a call.
502
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:55,753
Good-bye, richard.
I'm so glad you came.
503
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,523
It's nice to be
One family again.
504
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,192
Oh, it sure is.
505
00:21:01,194 --> 00:21:02,192
Good-bye, sylvia.
506
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:03,194
Good-bye.
507
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:04,695
You know, mary,
508
00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,231
The great thing
About rediscovering
Your roots is
509
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:10,701
You suddenly have
A whole new world
Of people to blame
510
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:12,536
For, you know,
Everything.
511
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:15,205
Harry.
512
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:16,206
Abe.
513
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,442
I want you
To have these.
514
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,312
Ohh, that's so nice.
515
00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:24,282
Aww, I'm gonna miss you,
Uncle abe.
516
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:27,818
Oh, don't get me started
With that emotional crap.
517
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,787
It's too late!
518
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,222
I've already started!
519
00:21:38,231 --> 00:21:40,397
Janine, hi. It's tommy.
520
00:21:40,399 --> 00:21:42,599
Uh, from the reunion?
521
00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:45,602
Right, yeah,
The one who told you
You were adopted, right.
522
00:21:45,604 --> 00:21:48,572
Anyway. Say, uh, you
Wanna go out on sunday?
523
00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:51,675
Oh, meeting your
Birth mother, huh?
524
00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:53,410
Well, listen, can it wait?
525
00:21:53,412 --> 00:21:56,113
You know,
It's been 16 years.
What's another day, right?
526
00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:58,182
Uh, well, maybe
I could come, you know?
527
00:21:58,184 --> 00:22:01,252
We could catch a movie,
Swing by your birth mom's.
528
00:22:01,254 --> 00:22:02,787
Hello? Hello? Hel--
529
00:22:02,789 --> 00:22:06,423
Oh, man. Got cut off.
38778
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