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1
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,504
Uh-huh.
2
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,038
Yeah. Uh-huh.
3
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:09,274
R-really?
This weekend?
4
00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:11,610
Well, I can't
Say no to you.
5
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:12,944
You're mary's mother.
6
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:14,613
Yeah, it sounds
Wonderful.
7
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,948
No, no. Mary didn't
Tell me a thing.
8
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,350
Didn't tell who
What thing?
9
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,051
Yeah, I've noticed
That about her, too.
10
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,586
It's off-putting,
Isn't it?
11
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:22,587
Who's that?
12
00:00:22,589 --> 00:00:24,255
It sounds terrific,
Martha.
13
00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:25,791
Martha.
My mother.
14
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,226
Yeah.
Oh, god, no!
15
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:29,294
Yes, best to you,
Martha.
16
00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,931
Yeah, right, right.
I can't wait for you
To meet me.
17
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,532
What did you just do?!
18
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,968
You didn't tell me that
I was gonna meet your
Parents this weekend.
19
00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:38,269
You're not!
20
00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:40,538
Well, they said that
You'd made the plans.
21
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:42,841
A--a month ago,
When we were engaged.
22
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,377
That would be 2 weeks
Before you ruined
Everything.
23
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,879
Come on, mary.
It'll be fun.
24
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,148
Telling my parents
My engagement is off
25
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,150
Is not my idea
Of fun.
26
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,451
What, you haven't
Told them yet?
27
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:54,786
Are you kidding?
28
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:57,288
For years, they
Predicted I'd become
An old spinster
29
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:58,757
Who sits alone
Every night
30
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,759
Drinking wine
And talking
To her cat.
31
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,093
Dr. Albright.
32
00:01:02,095 --> 00:01:05,430
Dr. Albright,
They were out of that
Zinfandel you like,
33
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:07,633
But I did pick up
Your dog food.
34
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,368
I have one dog!
35
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:12,704
Mary, please!
I won't say a word
About our breakup.
36
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,640
I can't.
I'm still in denial.
37
00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,910
Do you think I want
To spend my weekend
38
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,245
Pretending to be
Engaged to a lunatic
39
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:23,515
Rather than
Tell my parents
The truth?
40
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:27,552
I'll pick you up
In the morning.
41
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,187
We're just pretending!
42
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:31,756
If you dare
To try and touch me,
43
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,292
I will choke
The life out of you.
44
00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:36,761
Well, what if I bump
Into you accidentally?
45
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,229
Fine.
46
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:39,364
In the shower?
47
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:45,837
Be in your driveway
At 8:00 tomorrow.
48
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,505
Tomorrow?
You can't go away.
49
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:50,476
You promised
You'd help me move out
Of my apartment.
50
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,810
Oh, I'm
So sorry, nina.
51
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,144
Oh, thanks a lot.
52
00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:55,480
Now I see who's
Important around here.
53
00:01:55,482 --> 00:01:57,582
Uh, yes,
That would be me.
54
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,584
Ok. Fine.
But the next time
55
00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:02,421
You can't separate
The cheese slices
In your lunchables,
56
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:04,022
Don't come
Running to me.
57
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:08,326
What have I done?!
58
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:49,234
Tommy! Harry! Sally!
59
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,837
What do you think
Of this jacket?
60
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,838
Mmm, it's a little
Tweedy. Whoa!
61
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,941
But you win me over
With the patches.
62
00:02:56,943 --> 00:02:58,110
Oh.
63
00:02:58,112 --> 00:03:00,112
I've got to make
A good impression
64
00:03:00,114 --> 00:03:01,612
When I meet
Mary's parents.
65
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:02,614
Mary albright's
Parents?
66
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,316
Tommy: they're
Still alive?
67
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:05,851
My god,
They must be so old.
68
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,919
Probably had her
Really young.
69
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,588
Now stop it!
This is important.
70
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,622
I have to win their
Love and respect.
71
00:03:11,624 --> 00:03:14,692
Why? You don't even have
Mary's love and respect.
72
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:15,927
Not at the moment,
73
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,130
But I'm hoping
That if I win
Her parents over,
74
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:19,697
She'll see me
In a new light
75
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,266
And fall in love
All over again.
76
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:22,567
Dick, that's genius!
77
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:23,835
I don't know.
78
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,605
I'd rather have
A red-hot poker
Stuck in my eye
79
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,874
Than hang out
With my girlfriend's
Mom and dad.
80
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,811
Hey, what if
Her parents have
A red-hot poker
81
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:36,481
And they surprise you
By sticking it
In your eye?
82
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:39,984
No.
83
00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:42,387
No, I'm sure they're
Lovely people.
84
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,423
After all, they
Mixed and poured
85
00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,958
The dna cocktail
That is...
86
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,393
Mary albright.
87
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:51,996
Still,
Dick, just to be safe,
We should go with you.
88
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:53,265
Oh, no, no.
89
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,433
I've got a much more
Important assignment
For you.
90
00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,101
Cleaning up
Our parks and streams?
91
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:58,102
No. Nina's moving,
92
00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:00,205
And I volunteered
You to help her.
93
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,874
Wait. You mean we have to
Lug heavy boxes all weekend?
94
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:03,875
Yes.
95
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:06,577
Well, do we get to go
Through her stuff?
96
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,845
How could you not?
97
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:09,114
All right, then.
98
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:17,188
Well, what
Do you think?
99
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,823
Does mary
Look more like
Me or george?
100
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,492
Well, martha,
I did notice
101
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:23,361
That you and mary
Have the same
Patrician nose.
102
00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:24,862
Whoa.
103
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:27,532
I think she does
Favor martha's side
Of the family
104
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:28,799
More than mine.
105
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:31,570
But at least
She got her father's
Generous butt.
106
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:39,177
Mary, that
Eye shadow
107
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:40,512
Makes you
Look tired.
108
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,280
Thank you, mother.
109
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,650
Just trying
To help.
110
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,117
Martha, darling,
111
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,586
Why don't you
Run and get the kids
Those sandwiches?
112
00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:51,189
Well, yes,
Of course, george.
113
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:54,993
I'll run and
Get the kids
Those sandwiches.
114
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:58,830
I keep forgetting
You were paralyzed
In the war.
115
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:04,869
I really should
Go and help her.
116
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:09,140
I wouldn't want her
To slip and fall
Into a bottle of gin.
117
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,876
They're very nice.
118
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:13,411
No, they're not.
119
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:14,746
They're sour,
Miserable people
120
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,080
Who don't
Like anybody.
121
00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:17,749
Oh, I should have
Brought flowers.
122
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:19,383
Do they like flowers?
I can get flowers.
123
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:20,618
Stop worrying.
124
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:22,554
This time tomorrow,
We'll be
On our way home,
125
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:23,888
And you'll never
See them again.
126
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,389
I wouldn't bet on it.
127
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:28,093
What's that
Supposed to mean?
128
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,563
I don't know
About you, dick,
129
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,831
But when I eat ham,
I gotta have a beer.
130
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,101
Oh, and
When I drink beer,
I gotta have ham.
131
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:38,303
Ham and beer.
That's us, george.
132
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,447
Are you done yet?
133
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:51,549
Yep, snug as a bug.
134
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,526
Ok, I think
I missed a spot.
135
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,628
Guys, could you
Please be careful?
136
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:04,829
Yes, absolutely.
137
00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:05,963
Starting now.
138
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,934
Nina, this place
Is so great.
139
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,303
I mean, it's
So nice and clean.
140
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,207
Well, it's easy
To keep things neat
When you live alone.
141
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:16,875
The smell,
It smells like...
142
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:17,876
[inhales deeply]
143
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,543
Like a mall or...
144
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,412
Or the bakery or...
145
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:24,382
My house smells like
Feet or cheese or
146
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,783
Rotten food--
147
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,385
I--I get it.
Sally, I get it.
148
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,491
Oh, martha, this is
The most delicious,
149
00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:36,294
Exquisitely flavored,
Palate-teasing dish
I've ever tasted.
150
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,029
What do you
Call it again?
151
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,831
Busy gal's lasagna.
152
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,501
I must get the recipe.
153
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:45,703
It's noodles
With ketchup on 'em.
154
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:49,073
George...
155
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,441
Shut up.
156
00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:52,744
Don't give away
Her recipes, george.
157
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,745
Thank you, dick.
158
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,614
Now, mary,
How about it? More?
159
00:06:56,616 --> 00:06:58,449
Uh, no, mother,
I have enough.
160
00:06:58,451 --> 00:06:59,718
She's on another one
Of those
161
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,686
Crazy crash diets,
Right, dick?
162
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:04,021
Well, no, I just
Don't think she likes
Your lasagna
163
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,356
As much as I do,
Martha.
164
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:06,558
Yes, I do,
165
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,560
And I'm not
On a diet.
166
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,562
I'm happy
The way I am.
167
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,564
Well, there comes a point
When you just have to accept
168
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,333
What the good lord
Has given you.
169
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,903
Lord knows I have.
170
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,374
Come on, dick.
I'll sweeten up
Your drink.
171
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,376
Mmm. Right. Right.
172
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:27,445
George, I'm
Right behind you.
173
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,748
Well, mary...
174
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:33,751
Your daddy and I
Are just tickled pink
175
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,053
That dick is the one.
176
00:07:36,055 --> 00:07:37,122
The one what?
177
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,991
Oh, mary margaret,
178
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:42,927
You know very well
the one what.
179
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:43,928
Mr. Right.
180
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,930
The man you're
Going to marry.
181
00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:47,699
Oh. Yeah.
182
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,001
That's the plan.
183
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,769
I'm just ecstatic.
184
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:54,372
I don't know why you're
Not a little more excited.
185
00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,241
Oh, I am, mother.
186
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:59,677
Sometimes I get
So giddy I can hardly
Contain myself.
187
00:08:01,714 --> 00:08:05,650
But you know, you can
Only scream so long
Before you black out!
188
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:19,798
I'm nina.
189
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:24,335
And I'm special
Because I'm moving.
190
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,669
I'm sally.
191
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:27,338
I think I am so great.
192
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,008
Whoa, your hair
Looks really good
Today, girlfriend.
193
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,778
Oh, shut up. No,
It doesn't. Let's go look
At some magazine...
194
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:41,052
Well, uh,
That's all the underwear.
195
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,388
Let's get it
Down to the truck.
196
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:44,322
Ok.
197
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,962
God, I'm gonna
Miss this place.
198
00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:53,631
Yeah.
Why are you moving,
199
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:54,599
Big-ass rats?
200
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,035
No. They
Raised the rent.
201
00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,371
Oh. That's too bad.
202
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,038
It's so big and bright.
203
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,707
My room only
Has one window,
204
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,642
And it looks out
On the slaughterhouse,
205
00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,644
And sometimes
A brown mist floats in
206
00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,646
And makes my hair
All greasy.
207
00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:12,083
If I'd have known that,
You could've moved
In here with me.
208
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,484
Us?
209
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,485
Roommates?
210
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,487
Just you and me,
No guys?
211
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,490
Yeah. But it's too late
For that, I guess.
212
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:21,392
No!
No, it's not.
213
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,460
Finally,
The last box.
214
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:23,728
My back
Is killing me.
215
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,229
Oh. Y-you gotta
Keep it loose.
216
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,665
Hey, you know
What you do?
217
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,667
You go down, you get
All of nina's stuff
Off the truck,
218
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,335
And then you go
Back to our place,
219
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,003
Get my stuff, and
Bring it back here.
220
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,672
Boy. You really
Think it'll work?
221
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,206
Well, I'm willing
To give it a shot.
222
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,775
Actually,
My back feels fine.
223
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,275
Oh, get moving!
Come on.
224
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:41,546
I'll tell you one thing, dick.
225
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:44,915
This is one bar
I'll never get
Thrown out of.
226
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,552
Oh, dick,
I'll show you where
The linens are
227
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,554
So you can
Make up the couch.
228
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:50,555
The couch?
229
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:53,491
Oh, now, punkin,
230
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:56,094
It's perfectly ok
With daddy and me
231
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,929
If you and dick
Share the same room.
232
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,263
No! No, I-it's not.
233
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,432
I know how uncomfortable
It makes you feel.
234
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,700
Really?
235
00:10:02,702 --> 00:10:05,236
Never stopped you
Before.
236
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,805
Oh, but, mom, I--
237
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:07,806
Really, princess,
238
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,474
No, it's fine with us.
239
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:12,076
About time this house
Saw some action.
240
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:13,077
No, dad, really,
I--I--
241
00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:14,411
Say no more, george!
242
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,948
It's settled.
Mary and I will
Share a room.
243
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,082
Done deal.
244
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:20,251
Now let's go outside
And smoke these things.
245
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,286
I've got some
Funny stories
About mary.
246
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,288
Oh ho ho ho ho ho!
247
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,223
Me, too.
248
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,963
Oh, I cannot wait
To move out on my own.
249
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,464
It's nothing personal.
250
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:37,035
It's just that you guys
Are really, really
Annoying, you know?
251
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:38,036
Yeah. Enough said.
252
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,371
Sally, we're all
Very happy for you,
253
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,741
And I know that
There are gonna be
Some good times,
254
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:46,411
But there will also be
Some lonely ones, and so...
255
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,779
I want you
To have my gnome.
256
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,783
No, harry, you see,
257
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:56,020
I'm moving to get
away from your crap.
258
00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:59,591
Ok! I got my gnome back.
259
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,026
You know, dick
Would never give you
260
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,560
Permission
To do this.
261
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:05,630
Yeah. That's why
I'm doing it while
He's out of town.
262
00:11:06,699 --> 00:11:08,366
Well,
On the plus side,
263
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,369
At least we can
Turn sally's room
Into a storage area.
264
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,872
Well, wait a minute.
I don't have a room.
265
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,840
Or maybe a cool
Little music room
266
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:17,475
With some
Black-light posters.
267
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:21,111
Hello. Man without
A bedroom here.
268
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:23,748
You know what'd
Be even better?
269
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,282
A skeeball parlor.
270
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:26,984
Skeeball?
271
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:28,085
In our home?
272
00:11:28,087 --> 00:11:29,086
Yes!
273
00:11:29,088 --> 00:11:30,355
Yeah!
274
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,059
Now here's little mary's
Sixth birthday party.
275
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,061
Oh, you
Got her a pony.
276
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:39,930
No. That's mary.
277
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,603
Her uncle neil
Got her a brown
Lederhosen.
278
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,372
All the way from munich.
279
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:49,374
Germany.
280
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,343
Oh, little mary's
Crying.
281
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:55,012
She didn't
Want to share
A sheet cake
282
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:57,848
With the other kids.
283
00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:00,151
Oh, here's
The big spelling bee.
284
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,986
Mary's word
Is "Because."
285
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,454
Watch her sweat.
286
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,756
[martha laughs]
287
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:05,757
George: "B"
288
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:06,757
"E"
289
00:12:06,759 --> 00:12:07,826
"C"
290
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:08,826
"A"
291
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:10,394
"W"!
292
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:17,468
Ah! Magpie.
293
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,904
Why'd you miss
Such an easy word?
294
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,340
Because.
295
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,608
She can say it.
She just can't
Spell it.
296
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:29,613
You're a hoot
And a half, son.
297
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:30,882
Thank you, daddy.
298
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,487
Dick, can I see you
In the bedroom?
299
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,456
Oh, coming, magpie.
300
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,090
Oh, yeah.
301
00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:46,563
Wonderful.
He called me son.
302
00:12:46,565 --> 00:12:47,899
My plan is working.
303
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,234
Your plan
To piss me off?
304
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:53,271
No. My plan
To win their hearts
And then yours.
305
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,741
Oh, so by joining
In my parents'
Psycho mind games
306
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,676
And mocking
My fat childhood,
307
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,678
You thought
I'd love you again?
308
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,446
Psycho mind games?
I--wh--
309
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,316
Let me tell you
About my wonderful
Parents.
310
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,218
In 1961, my father
311
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,220
Had an affair
With a stewardess.
312
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,221
Well...
313
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,823
You mean
A flight attendant.
314
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:15,193
No.
315
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,195
A stewardess.
316
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,997
That despicable dog!
317
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,766
My mother
Found them together,
318
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,434
And she was
So wonderful,
319
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,670
She dumped it
All on me.
320
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:26,871
Me, dick,
321
00:13:26,873 --> 00:13:28,373
A little girl.
322
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:31,409
Oh, mary,
What an awful picture--
323
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:34,278
A bitter old drunk
Describing some
Tawdry affair
324
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,847
While spoon-feeding you
Strained bananas
325
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:39,683
As you sit in your
Little highchair.
326
00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,319
Well, I was 9.
327
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,322
And you were still
Eating baby food?
My poor mary.
328
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,656
Oh, dick, the whole--
329
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,325
The whole thing
Tore me apart.
330
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,026
I felt it
Was my fault.
331
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:50,361
It was their fault, mary!
332
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,628
I felt so alone.
333
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:53,564
You're not alone, mary,
Not anymore!
334
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:58,936
And to think
I had my hand
In that man's humidor!
335
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,612
Ohh!
336
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,714
Harry, you gotta
Help me with this one.
337
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:11,782
It's full of books
And rocks and stuff.
338
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,117
It weighs a ton.
339
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:15,686
Step aside, junior.
340
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,622
Time to clean and jerk.
341
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,060
1, 2, 3.
342
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:32,270
It was empty.
343
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,073
No.
344
00:14:36,075 --> 00:14:38,342
I'm the strongest man
In the world.
345
00:14:40,112 --> 00:14:42,713
Ooh, this is going
To be so much fun.
346
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:43,714
I know.
347
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,816
So what do you want
To do tonight?
348
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:46,851
Uh, I don't know.
349
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,987
Um, make stir-fry and
Rent a chick flick?
350
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:52,323
Yeah, like
full metal jacket.
351
00:14:52,325 --> 00:14:54,725
Or boys on the side.
352
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,694
Right, right.
boys on the side.
353
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,896
Or full metal jacket!
354
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:10,207
I'll give you
The secret to a great
Bloody mary, dick.
355
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:11,442
Horseradish.
356
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:14,512
It's not the horseradish,
Georgie.
357
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,314
It's the vodka.
358
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,316
You know,
Getting this hot tub
359
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:21,251
Was the smartest thing
I've ever done.
360
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,720
Oh, really?
361
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,722
And what would
The stupidest,
362
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:27,257
Most loathsome,
And hurtful thing be?
363
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:31,061
Not getting
The floating
Thermometer.
364
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,063
Can I get you
Anything, dick?
365
00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:34,732
A drink?
Maybe some coffee?
366
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,233
Tea. Or maybe me.
367
00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:39,737
Is that what
The little flying strumpet
Said to entice you?
368
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,439
Is one sleazy pickup line
All it takes
369
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,941
To destroy a family?!
370
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,776
Mary!
371
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,778
For god's sakes.
372
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,513
You told him?
373
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:51,115
I couldn't stand it
Anymore.
374
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,116
Martha.
375
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,019
You told our daughter
About my--my--my--
376
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:56,521
That's right!
377
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,022
Your little fling.
378
00:15:58,024 --> 00:16:01,025
You-hoo-hoo bet
I told her.
379
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:04,194
So she could play
The martyr for 36 years.
380
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:05,429
How do you think
I felt?
381
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:06,930
Alone and scared,
382
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:09,566
A sheet cake
Her only solace.
383
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:12,036
She drove me to it,
Princess.
384
00:16:12,038 --> 00:16:14,038
All right!
Maybe I did.
385
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,540
But I was too fat,
386
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,043
And I hated my body,
387
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:22,279
And those damn diet pills
Made me crazy.
388
00:16:22,281 --> 00:16:23,781
You took diet pills?
389
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,783
Our family doctor
Prescribed them.
390
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:29,286
For god's sakes,
It was the sixties!
391
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:33,057
She went to dr. Powell
For more than just pills.
392
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,058
[gasps]
393
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:38,095
Dr. Powell?!
He had hair in his ears.
394
00:16:38,097 --> 00:16:41,065
She went
To dr. Powell,
Who was her cousin.
395
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:42,500
He was my step-cousin!
396
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,235
He was my
Golf partner!
397
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,702
He was a man!
398
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:47,204
Enough!
399
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,206
You two lie to each other
400
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,707
And cheat on each other,
401
00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:52,709
And I'm stuck in the middle.
402
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:54,711
You've made my life
Miserable.
403
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:57,614
Why the hell
Did the two of you
Stay married?
404
00:16:57,616 --> 00:17:02,019
[through clenched teeth]
To try to give you
A happy home.
405
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,520
Oh, my god!
406
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,023
Look at the two of you!
407
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,159
Have you no shame?
408
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,540
Um, sally,
I know you just got here,
409
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,274
But you left your socks--
410
00:17:24,276 --> 00:17:25,275
Shh. Honey...
411
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:26,711
It's shark week.
412
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:29,646
You want me
To help you
413
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,048
Move that futon
Into your room?
414
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,049
My room?
415
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,518
Yeah. The room
Down the hall.
416
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,153
Oh, no.
I like this room.
417
00:17:36,155 --> 00:17:38,155
This is the living room.
418
00:17:38,157 --> 00:17:40,157
Yeah, and I'm
Gonna live in it.
419
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:43,094
You got to pick
Your room, I get
To pick mine.
420
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,561
No way.
421
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:47,030
Look, I didn't
Complain when you
Finished my milk.
422
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:49,833
your milk?
You just wrote "Sally"
On my milk.
423
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,835
So that's how
It's gonna be, huh?
424
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:54,338
Well, as long as
We're being honest
With each other,
425
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,874
I don't like
How you leave
The toilet seat down.
426
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:59,409
That's the way
Women use it.
427
00:17:59,411 --> 00:18:01,645
Yeah, sure, nina.
428
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,014
That's the way
Women use it.
429
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,515
Look, you know,
Being your roommate
430
00:18:05,517 --> 00:18:07,551
Is not as much fun
As it used to be.
431
00:18:07,553 --> 00:18:09,653
You've only been here
An hour and a half.
432
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:11,822
Yeah, and it's
An hour and a half
Too long.
433
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,824
All right, this is it.
434
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,492
The last box of shoes.
435
00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:17,494
Well...
Load it up, boys,
436
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:19,530
'cause I'm movin' out!
437
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:22,366
No.
438
00:18:22,368 --> 00:18:24,368
Absolutely not!
439
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,972
Sally, for the first time
In my life--
440
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:30,374
Do it, or I'll kill you.
441
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:31,309
Ok.
442
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,016
You know...
443
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,517
This weekend
444
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:43,955
Has been
More cathartic for me
445
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,924
Than the entire time
I spent in rehab.
446
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:51,161
Rehab?
447
00:18:53,232 --> 00:18:54,731
1982.
448
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,233
I know.
449
00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:59,636
I said I was visiting
Your aunt dee dee.
450
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,505
Ok, mary,
Everything's packed.
451
00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:03,473
Chop-chop, gotta go.
452
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:04,574
Dick...
453
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,012
I think we should stay.
454
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,179
What?
455
00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:10,848
My parents and I
Have been talking
456
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,349
Since the little blowup
In the hot tub,
457
00:19:12,351 --> 00:19:13,951
And I think we've made
Some progress.
458
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:16,453
Progress?
Are they getting
A divorce?
459
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:17,921
Divorce?
460
00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:19,757
They've been married
For 46 years.
461
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,993
Yes, but 46
Horrible years.
462
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,995
I'm sure they've had
Their ups and downs,
463
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,464
But it's
Only made them stronger.
That's what marriage is.
464
00:19:27,466 --> 00:19:29,533
Oh, my god,
They've brainwashed you.
465
00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:31,201
Now you're one of them.
466
00:19:31,203 --> 00:19:33,203
Dick, I want to thank you
467
00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:35,706
For bringing everything
Out in the open.
468
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,709
I feel like
A tremendous weight's been
Lifted from this family.
469
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,210
I want to tell you two
Something.
470
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:42,246
There's nothing
More exhilarating
Than honesty.
471
00:19:42,248 --> 00:19:43,247
Oh!
472
00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:46,250
Oh! So honesty's
Your game, is it?
473
00:19:46,252 --> 00:19:47,818
Yeah, I'll give you honesty.
474
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,319
Your precious little
475
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:51,788
Mary margaret
Ragamuffin magpie
Has been lying to you!
476
00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:53,290
She didn't even
Want to come here
477
00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:55,059
Because she didn't
Want to tell you that--
478
00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:58,428
Our engagement is off!
We're through!
479
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:00,564
But that's ok,
Because I don't want
To marry her anyway.
480
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:02,866
I don't want
To marry anyone--
Not after meeting you.
481
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:05,569
If this marriage
Was a horse,
You'd shoot it!
482
00:20:10,509 --> 00:20:12,376
Dick, we forgive you.
483
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,377
Forgive me?
484
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,012
Would you like
Some cocoa?
485
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:18,015
I don't want any cocoa.
I don't want anything.
486
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:20,017
I just want to
Climb into a spaceship
487
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:22,086
And fly to
A far-off galaxy,
488
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:26,090
Millions of light-years away
From this twisted
And sadistic
489
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,292
Human freak show!
490
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,929
He's the one.
He's the one.
491
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:38,902
So how did
The move go?
492
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,838
Well, the first one
Went pretty smooth,
493
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,341
But the second one
Was a bitch.
494
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:47,844
We had a good rhythm
Going for the third move,
495
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:50,414
But the fourth
And fifth moves
Were just hell.
496
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,582
Wussies.
497
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,084
You know, I really
Dodged a bullet
Today, dick.
498
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:57,087
To think
I was this close
To moving in with nina.
499
00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,157
Hah. She's not nearly
Sophisticated enough
For me.
500
00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:02,159
I dodged a bullet, too.
501
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:05,662
I thought marriage
Was a beautiful union
Of 2 souls.
502
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:10,167
It turns out
It's a hot, bubbling,
Chlorinated sea of lies,
503
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:14,037
Betrayals, and addictions,
And I don't want
To go there.
504
00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:16,206
Well, I'll go.
That sounds relaxing.
505
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:19,209
No. From now on,
We're footloose
And fancy-free.
506
00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:20,711
From this day forward,
507
00:21:20,713 --> 00:21:23,513
People will refer to me
As a lifelong bachelor.
508
00:21:23,515 --> 00:21:26,016
You're not gonna
Start wearing
Pastel cardigans
509
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:28,485
And open up
An antique store,
Are you?
510
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:31,222
Whatever gets me the ladies.
511
00:21:32,358 --> 00:21:35,259
Yeah, dick,
You'll do great.
512
00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:38,195
Captioned by the national
Captioning institute
--www.Ncicap.Org--
513
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:46,136
George, there's something
I have to tell you.
514
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:48,505
I'm listening.
515
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:50,874
You're not mary's father.
516
00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:58,449
I've suspected that
For a long time, martha.
517
00:21:58,451 --> 00:22:00,550
Does she know?
518
00:22:00,552 --> 00:22:02,052
Oh, don't be silly.
519
00:22:02,054 --> 00:22:03,220
Of course not.
520
00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:04,755
Good.
521
00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:07,958
Next time they visit.
38768
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