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1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:04,003
Harry: last time on
3rd rock from the sun...
2
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,504
We returned
From the home planet,
3
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,840
But forgot to clean up
The landing site.
4
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:09,008
Aliens, huh?
5
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:10,509
Harry: meanwhile,
The big giant head
6
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,510
Made us bring back
A little present for dick.
7
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:13,946
I'd like you
To meet...
8
00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:15,013
Your new wife!
9
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,314
My wife?!
10
00:00:16,316 --> 00:00:17,649
Sally: we've been
Calling her janet.
11
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:20,952
Harry: too bad
He was already engaged
To dr. Albright.
12
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,621
You crazy lug.
13
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:25,757
Harry: so dick came up
With the idea to send
His new wife packing.
14
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:29,961
Watch as I become
The most obnoxious,
Repulsive creep
15
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:31,763
Any woman has ever met.
16
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:46,878
Stella!
17
00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:51,950
Stella!
18
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,487
Janet!
19
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,925
You didn't eat
Your mini pizza!
20
00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:01,493
Acchh!
21
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,395
You call that a pizza?
22
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,397
I wouldn't feed that
To a dog!
23
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,232
A dog wouldn't feed it
To a dog!
24
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:08,867
Not even a dog he hated!
25
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:11,035
Ok, then.
26
00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:13,805
Damn right you're sorry!
27
00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,707
Sorry as hell!
28
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,208
You're--
29
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,244
Now bring me another beer.
30
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,679
Because I drink!
31
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:23,849
And I drink a lot!
I'm a booze hound, I am.
32
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:26,985
And what's worse,
33
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:30,422
When I drink,
I get a head of steam.
34
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,992
I get all punchy,
And I like to lash out!
35
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,929
Oh, you're not so bad.
36
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:40,299
Ahh...God!
37
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,301
Why can't you
Dress nice?
38
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,802
Look at you!
39
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,305
You look like
Someone who--who--
40
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,340
Isn't dressed
All that nice.
41
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:52,044
Well, I could
Change for you.
42
00:01:52,046 --> 00:01:54,046
And look
At that apron.
43
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:55,079
[crying]
44
00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:56,581
I like that apron.
45
00:01:56,583 --> 00:01:58,917
[sobbing]
46
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,819
It's pretty.
47
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,254
With all the hearts
And--and the words
48
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:04,756
And--and the hearts...
49
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,992
[wailing]
50
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,426
Oh, that's ok, baby.
51
00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:10,796
You can wear the apron.
52
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,798
Oh, god, I'm sorry!
53
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,566
[sobbing]
54
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,568
You're a nice person,
55
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,938
And it's not your fault
That the big giant
Fathead
56
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:23,975
Made you come here
And live with people
You don't even know!
57
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,278
[sobbing]
58
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,781
I've always depended
On the kindness of strangers.
59
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:30,848
[sobbing]
60
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:39,358
Mama make it
All better!
61
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,494
I'm all messed up
Inside, mama.
62
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,661
[sobbing]
63
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,768
[whimpering like
A dreaming dog]
64
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,741
Good morning, lover.
65
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,442
Oh, my god!
What have I done?
66
00:02:57,444 --> 00:03:00,312
Well, not much. But, hey,
There's always tonight.
67
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:03,247
Oh, what time is it?
I-I've got
To get to work.
68
00:03:03,249 --> 00:03:05,750
No, don't worry about it.
I already called nina,
69
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:06,951
And I told her
You were gonna be late.
70
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:08,020
You called nina?
71
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,289
Yes. I--I told her
Everything.
72
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,556
You told her
Everything?!
73
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:16,295
Well, where's my kiss?!
74
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,966
"Speaking
Off the record,
75
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,469
Officer don orville
Told the bugle,
76
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,971
"I believe aliens are among us
77
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:03,775
and it's up to me to nab 'em."
78
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:04,776
Wow.
79
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,179
Don, front page.
80
00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:09,281
And it's all because
My eyes were opened
To a world
81
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,883
I never knew existed.
Thanks, harry.
82
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:16,788
[sighs]
83
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:19,057
You can't listen to him.
It doesn't exist.
84
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,393
Oh, yes. It does.
85
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,894
Look what I found
In the wheat field.
86
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:23,895
[gasps]
[gasps]
[gasps]
87
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:26,297
It's the fusion chamber!
88
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,136
The what?
89
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,638
The fusion chamber...Lain.
90
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,273
the fusion chamberlain show.
91
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,775
With your host,
92
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:40,211
Fusion chamberlain!
93
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,579
Whoo! Whoo...
94
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,317
I've never seen it.
95
00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:49,320
Sally, what I have
In my hand
96
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:52,724
Is a piece
Of a terrifying
Alien spacecraft.
97
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,726
Undeniable proof
That they've landed.
98
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,061
Now if you'll excuse me,
99
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,763
I have to pack this
In dry ice
100
00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:00,165
And drive it to
The regional field office
Of the fbi in cleveland.
101
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,265
Why dry ice?
102
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:03,835
Gives a nice
Smoky effect.
103
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,303
Well...
104
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,838
Good-bye, sally.
105
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,073
Good-bye?
106
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,608
I'm off to save
The earth...
107
00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:15,179
From the scum
Of the universe.
108
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,618
Fbi? What are we
Gonna do?
109
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:21,119
Don't panic.
I have the solution.
110
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,621
You're gonna go down
To the police station
And take the fall.
111
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:23,988
Tell them
It was a prank.
112
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:24,989
Why me?
113
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:25,990
Well, you're a minor.
114
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,492
They'll go easy on you.
115
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,561
Besides, we all have
To make some sacrifices
Around here.
116
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,630
Ok. What sacrifice
Are you making?
117
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:35,767
The shame of having
A juvenile delinquent
For a nephew, ok?
118
00:05:37,303 --> 00:05:39,303
I'm not angry, tommy.
119
00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:41,840
I'm just...Disappointed.
120
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,320
Good morning, nina.
121
00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:00,192
Oh, that can't be good.
122
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:01,493
Dick...
123
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,261
What happened last night?
Where were you?
124
00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:04,796
Well, didn't harry
Tell you?
125
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,697
He told me
You fell down a well.
126
00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:09,567
Uh, uh, uh,
He was covering for me.
127
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:11,602
See I was packing my bag
So that we could elope!
128
00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:12,770
Elope?
129
00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,406
Yes! We're
Going to akron!
130
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,741
Oh, it'll be
So romantic.
131
00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:19,076
You, me,
The notary public
At the copy-mart.
132
00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:21,078
Well, I--I
Can't just
Leave.
133
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,281
I have to cancel
3 classes,
And...
134
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:24,282
Is nina in?
135
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:25,584
No! Uh--
136
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,252
Mary, forget
About your classes.
137
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,254
This time tomorrow
We'll be on our honeymoon.
138
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,789
We can go anywhere we want
For as long as we want.
139
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,258
Heck, we may
Never come back.
140
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:35,260
We're crazy in love,
Let's go!
141
00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:36,261
Good morning.
142
00:06:36,263 --> 00:06:38,497
Daah!
Ohh!
143
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,798
What's going on?
144
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,932
Yeah, dr. Solomon,
145
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,401
Why don't you tell her
What's going on?
146
00:06:42,403 --> 00:06:43,435
She's lying.
147
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,603
What?
148
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,771
Mary, you can't listen
To a thing she says
149
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:48,206
Because it's--it's--
150
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:51,009
I-it's...Opposite wednesday!
151
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,543
Opposite
Wednesday?
152
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,145
Yes! Everything
She tells you,
153
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,580
You're supposed
To think the opposite.
154
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,814
All the secretaries
Are doing it.
155
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:57,815
No!
Is this true?
156
00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:01,786
See?
Ah ha ha ha!
157
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,287
Love is war,
Peace is hate.
158
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:05,156
If she says she's happy,
She's actually sad.
159
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:07,158
If she says I was with
Another woman last night,
160
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,760
It's because
I actually wasn't!
161
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,796
You were
With another woman?
162
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,264
She's just saying that.
163
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,032
Save your breath.
I already told her.
164
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,670
Oh, mary, it's true.
165
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,339
I was with
A woman last night.
166
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,808
Hah! I didn't
Really tell her.
167
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,342
What?!
168
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:26,978
It's opposite
Wednesday.
169
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:29,181
Gr--ohh, nina!
170
00:07:29,183 --> 00:07:30,515
You're an evil genius!
171
00:07:38,725 --> 00:07:39,724
[giggling]
172
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:41,193
Yah ha ha ha.
173
00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:42,994
Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck.
174
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,229
Go ahead and laugh!
175
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,563
But you won't be laughing
176
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:48,333
When the fbi confirms
What I've been telling you.
177
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,667
We are not alone.
178
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:51,636
Whoo-ooh!
Whoo-ooh!
179
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,972
Hey, don, uh,
I gotta tell you something.
180
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,141
Can it wait, tommy?
I got a date
With the fbi.
181
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,176
Well, then, no.
No, it can't.
182
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,644
You see, uh,
183
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,279
This is pretty funny,
Heh.
184
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,748
I actually think
You're gonna laugh.
185
00:08:03,750 --> 00:08:05,983
It turns out
That it was me
186
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,019
Who destroyed
Old man sweeney's
Field all along.
187
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,522
What? What the hell
Are you talking about?
188
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,923
Well, it's no big deal.
189
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,224
I was just trying
To have a little fun,
190
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:14,759
And so it went
Too far, you know?
191
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,728
Oh? Is that so?
192
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:19,798
Well, how do you explain
The crop circle
And the burn marks?
193
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,233
Well, I--
I was running laps
194
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:26,003
With a flaming 2x4
Dragging behind me.
195
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:30,108
You see, I'm a teenager.
I don't know any better.
196
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,910
Not so fast,
Junior!
See ya.
197
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,913
There's one thing
You can't explain:
198
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,715
It's this!
199
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,583
That?
Uh-huh.
200
00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:40,752
Well--
Well, this is a--
201
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,755
It's--it's a--
It's a sling-a-rang.
202
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:45,256
It's a toy.
203
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,458
You know, you...
204
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:47,759
You throw it...
205
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,193
[clunk]
206
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:54,799
And--and it just lands
There on the floor,
You know?
207
00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:59,871
I'm sure you've seen
The commercials
For it on tv.
208
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,940
You know,
The little jingle--
209
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,274
♪ sling-a-rang ♪
210
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,509
♪ sling-a-rang ♪
211
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:05,543
♪ pick it up ♪
212
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,212
♪ and fling that...
Thang ♪
213
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,219
Of course.
214
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,222
A sling-a-rang
In an empty field.
215
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,557
I should've known.
216
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,725
It was you.
217
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,560
It was you all along.
218
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,395
Yeah. Well,
I feel better.
219
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,231
Thanks for
Listening,
Don. Bye.
220
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,232
Tommy!
221
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,899
There are a lot
Of rotten kids
222
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,235
In a town
Like rutherford,
223
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,737
But I expected more of you.
224
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:36,308
I'm afraid I'm gonna
Have to teach you
A lesson.
225
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:39,243
Well, I know that
Must tear you up, don,
226
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:45,449
Considering it could
Jeopardize your relationship
With my gorgeous aunt sally.
227
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,188
Yup, that's an owie.
228
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,192
But for your own good,
229
00:09:55,194 --> 00:09:57,262
I'm gonna have to
Charge you as an adult.
230
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:59,030
Oh, does that mean
I can rent showgirls?
231
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,269
Mmm! What is this?
232
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,571
An omelet.
233
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,707
Well, I thought
An omelet was runny eggs
234
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:13,211
Filled with big chunks
Of unmelted cheese food.
235
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,280
Yeah, well,
Live and learn.
236
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,381
Hmm.
237
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,716
What's this?
238
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,018
I don't know,
But they're yummy.
Hey!
239
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,053
Janet! Come here
And tell us
What we're eating!
240
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,521
No, no, no, no.
241
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:24,722
She's not here.
242
00:10:24,724 --> 00:10:26,858
She went to dick's office
To drop off his lunch.
243
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:27,859
What?
244
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:28,860
I said she went
To dick's office--
245
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,728
You idiot!
246
00:10:30,730 --> 00:10:33,064
If janet finds out
About albright,
We're dead!
247
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,165
We've
Gotta stop her!
248
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,666
Let's go!
249
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,144
Let's go!
250
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,681
Excuse me.
Could you tell--
251
00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:56,153
Oh, my god!
252
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:59,523
Look at the cute
tuchus on you!
253
00:10:59,525 --> 00:11:00,792
Can we help you?
254
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,793
I am sure you can.
255
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:04,362
Well, campus
Information is--
256
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,663
Look at you!
257
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,231
Are you looking
For somebody?
258
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:09,367
Uh, yes, dr. Solomon.
259
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,935
He's my husband.
260
00:11:10,937 --> 00:11:13,238
I didn't know
Dr. Solomon
Had a wife.
261
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,908
Well, this is my first
Time out of the house.
262
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,209
Uh, h-he's in
The next building.
263
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:20,811
Thank you.
264
00:11:20,813 --> 00:11:23,781
See you around campus,
bubbele.
265
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,551
[clicks tongue]
266
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,522
Come on, dick.
267
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,457
Who was she?
268
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,359
Ok.
269
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,295
I wanted to keep
This a surprise.
270
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,430
She was
A travel agent.
271
00:11:38,432 --> 00:11:41,032
I was up all night
With her
272
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,201
Planning
Our honeymoon
In hawaii.
273
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,536
So, once again,
What are we waiting
For? Let's go!
274
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,771
An all-night
Travel agent?
275
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,005
They're the best!
276
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:50,508
Oh, mary,
Just picture it.
277
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:51,810
Just us.
278
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,945
Just the two of us,
No one else,
279
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,446
By the ocean--
280
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,949
Palm trees
Swaying in the breeze,
281
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,952
You sunning yourself
In front of me,
282
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,955
Sensually removing
Your gauzy dress,
283
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:06,624
Your underwire bra,
284
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:09,961
Your support panties
With the tummy-control
Panel,
285
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,463
And finally
Your knee-highs...
286
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:14,966
All in the glow
Of a full moon
287
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,468
While I play
hawaiian wedding song.
288
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,404
♪♪♪
289
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:31,482
Oh, it does sound nice.
290
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,484
I've got
To admit it, dick,
291
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:35,653
You are
Full of surprises!
292
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,222
Oh, mary!
Oh, dick!
293
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,524
Dick, honey,
I brought
Your lunch!
294
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,625
My god.
295
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,026
Janet!
296
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:44,863
I mean--
Who are you?!
297
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:47,432
I'm your wife, silly.
298
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,601
She's your what?!
299
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,002
His wife.
300
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,904
Nice to meet you.
301
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:53,938
You're married?
302
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:57,441
Well, uh, not
In the way you think.
303
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,110
You told me
Your wife was dead!
304
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,878
That's what she told me!
305
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,182
I'm not dead!
306
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,518
Your wife is coming!
Your wife is coming!
Your wife--
307
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:07,786
Son of a bitch!
308
00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:09,020
Ohh!
309
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,188
Mary!
310
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,290
Please!
Wait, mary!
311
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,025
We may be too late.
312
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:14,959
Gee...
313
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:18,329
You think?
314
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,797
So who's the shiksa?
315
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,104
Mary, please, wait.
316
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,441
Mary, you've
Got to listen.
317
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:34,345
Mary--
318
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,346
Mary, please stop!
319
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,348
I have to tell you
Something,
320
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,350
Something
That will clear up
This whole mess.
321
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,851
I can't wait
To hear this.
322
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:41,886
Ok.
323
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:44,221
Here's
The absolute truth.
324
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,258
I have a wife. Fine.
I'll give you that.
325
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,793
But, mary,
There's something
You don't realize.
326
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:51,129
She doesn't
Understand me.
327
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,464
Oh, you poor
Thing.
You're the only
Woman I love.
328
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:54,798
Oh, great.
And when
I'm with her,
329
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:55,800
All I think
About is you.
330
00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:57,635
Where have I
Heard that before?
331
00:13:57,637 --> 00:14:01,573
Oh, I know!
Every married man
I've ever dated.
332
00:14:01,575 --> 00:14:03,408
How many married men
Have you dated?
333
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,309
Just one, dick.
You!
334
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:07,077
Because I don't do that.
335
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,714
And you know what else
I don't do with married men?
Marry them!
336
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:13,218
Hey, hey, hey,
Congratulations,
You two!
337
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,420
Oh, mary.
338
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,121
Look, I'm confused,
And you're confused,
339
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:18,356
So let's just stop
All this nonsense,
340
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,557
Go to a motel,
And make love.
341
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,559
Oh, come on, dick.
You're married.
342
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,562
Do you understand?
Married. And you
Lied about it.
343
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,632
I never want to see
Your face again.
344
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:28,733
Hey--
Shut up!
345
00:14:35,675 --> 00:14:37,842
Well, hi, honey.
How was your day?
346
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:41,145
Oh, how was my day?
My life has become a farce!
347
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:42,913
And not a witty
Little door-slamming,
348
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:44,749
Everybody-runs-around
Farce. No!
349
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,918
A cheerless, lachrymose,
Dispiriting farce
350
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,856
Where the only one laughing
Is a crying mime!
351
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:54,192
Well, at least
We have each other.
352
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:56,160
But I don't love you.
353
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,161
What?!
354
00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:59,097
I don't love you!
355
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,599
You do too love me.
356
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:05,103
I am your wife,
The person you're
Supposed to love!
357
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,738
Those are the rules!
358
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,106
There are no rules!
359
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,775
You can feel
Whatever you want
For whoever you want to.
360
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:13,111
Love's
Not an assignment.
It just happens!
361
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,847
That's earth, baby!
362
00:15:15,849 --> 00:15:17,614
So, you mean...
363
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,952
That I don't have to love you?
364
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,387
No.
365
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,255
Oh, my god,
That's so great.
366
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,459
Ever since I got here
You've been just a huge
Pain in my purple tube.
367
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:29,961
Wha--
368
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,964
In fact, there
Are a lot of things
369
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:36,134
That I don't love
About this planet.
370
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:37,235
This broom...
371
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:40,971
This stupid-ass
Apron...
372
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,774
These stupid dishes...
373
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:44,976
And your family!
374
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,410
What's wrong
With my family?
375
00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:47,578
What's wrong
With them?
376
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,814
They act like
A bunch of people!
377
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:51,082
Well--
378
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:53,918
But what
Are you doing?
379
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,587
I'm leaving you,
Darling.
380
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,556
Leaving? W-well,
What about your
Big giant uncle?
381
00:16:00,826 --> 00:16:03,126
Well, that will
Have to be our...
382
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,062
Big giant secret.
383
00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:06,497
Oh, thank you, janet.
384
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,066
I mean, jeez, if I
Get to pick the person
I'm in love with,
385
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:12,269
I'm gonna get somebody
Really good-looking!
386
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:14,072
Oh! I'm gorgeous.
387
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:16,807
I mean, I saw these guys
Today at the school,
388
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,477
And they were just
Unbelievably beautiful!
389
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,779
I mean, they had
All these muscles.
390
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:22,814
Well, I have muscles.
391
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,116
No, I mean
Real muscles!
392
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,785
And they were young,
And they were hard,
393
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:29,887
And they had
All their hair,
Even right here.
394
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:32,623
Huh!
Hair is very overrated.
395
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:35,259
It takes away from
The size of your face.
396
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:38,262
Well, don't take it
Personally, dick.
397
00:16:38,264 --> 00:16:41,332
I mean,
You just said yourself
That you don't love me.
398
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,135
Ok. Now,
Which way's vegas?
399
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:47,804
But, janet, it's
A big world out there.
400
00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:50,341
Where will you go?
What will you do?
401
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:54,078
Oh, don't worry
About me, dick.
402
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:58,249
We'll always
Have rutherford.
403
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:02,153
Bye, janet.
404
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,789
Bye, janet.
405
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:05,990
What?
Janet's leaving?
406
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:06,991
Yes.
407
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:10,962
Noooo!
Janet, don't go!
408
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:12,830
I don't believe it.
409
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,666
The fake mother
Of my phony son.
410
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:19,503
I've been dumped by
My wife and my fiancee
In the same day.
411
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:21,672
Ohh! What about me?
412
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,674
I've lost
A live-in maid,
413
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:26,009
A cook, a gardener,
A chauffeur,
414
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:28,579
And an electrician.
I loved her!
415
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:31,682
Aww! Well, look
On the bright side, dick.
416
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,518
With janet out of the way,
Maybe you'll get
Another shot at albright.
417
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,686
You think?
418
00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:37,188
Probably no.
419
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,524
But, hey,
At least there's
Still the three of us.
420
00:17:40,526 --> 00:17:42,626
Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
421
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,127
Hey, wait.
422
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:46,664
Didn't there
Used to be four of us?
423
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,867
Ohh, yeah!
Officer don called.
424
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,636
"Tommy's in jail."
425
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:54,372
Jail?!
Jail?!
Jail?!
426
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,706
Waagh!
Waagh!
Waagh!
427
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:58,209
Get him out!
Get him out of jail!
428
00:17:58,211 --> 00:17:59,577
You idiots!
429
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,815
Don, where's tommy?
430
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:05,816
Oh, you're
Too late.
431
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:06,851
Whoa!
432
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,088
You killed tommy?!
433
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,589
No, I let him go.
434
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,625
You let tommy
Go to his death?!
435
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:17,661
Waagh!
436
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:18,796
Hey, harry.
437
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,097
Aah! Ohh!
438
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,467
He's alive.
439
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:26,170
Oh, huh...
440
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,438
Sorry.
441
00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:30,174
Nice tie.
442
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,643
What did they
Do to you?
443
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,711
It was pretty scary.
444
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,681
As a juvenile,
I could've spent 200 hours
445
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:39,249
Cleaning up other people's
Trash on the highway.
446
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:41,018
But I wanted
To teach him a lesson,
447
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,653
So I charged him
As an adult.
448
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,687
What does that mean?
449
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,190
I got a $40 fine.
450
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:47,925
Where'd you
Get $40?
451
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:48,959
I paid it.
452
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,129
Damn the system!
453
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,532
Thanks, don.
454
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:57,268
I owe you...Big.
455
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,372
Harry,
Grab the, uh--
456
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:03,040
Uh, the sling-a-rang.
457
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,541
The what?
458
00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:06,043
The sling-a-rang?
459
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,878
Remember?
You've seen it advertised
460
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,647
On the fusion chamberlain show.
461
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:14,819
Yes, I have.
462
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:17,888
I gotta see that show.
463
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:27,999
[tapping on door]
464
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,735
[doorbell ringing]
465
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:31,702
It's me.
466
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:34,605
What do you want?
467
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:36,574
Janet's gone forever, mary.
468
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,275
She's gone. We're divorcing.
469
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,578
She's not around
To ruin our lives anymore.
470
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,680
This isn't
About her, dick.
471
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,181
She didn't lie
To me.
472
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,017
She's not the one
Who didn't tell me
About her!
473
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,619
Mary, I wanted to.
474
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,289
What else
Is there, dick?
475
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,193
Dick?
476
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,527
[gasps]
477
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,962
There is something
Else, isn't there?
478
00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,798
And you can't
Tell me, can you?
479
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,133
Ohh!
480
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,471
Good-bye, dick.
481
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,642
I'm sorry.
482
00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:21,452
So I guess
There's no way
You would ever marry me.
483
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:26,123
Dick, right now
There's no way I'd
Even carpool with you.
484
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:29,493
Well...What if
Your car breaks down?
485
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:30,694
I'd rent.
486
00:20:30,696 --> 00:20:32,897
I'd walk.
Well, there are
No cars available.
487
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,433
What? In
The worst snowstorm
In 50 years?
488
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:38,903
I'd take
A bus.
You would never
Take a bus!
489
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,838
You're right.
then I'd carpool with you.
490
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:47,144
Dick: yes!
491
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:54,451
You know, I gotta say,
There are things I'm
Gonna miss about janet.
492
00:20:54,453 --> 00:20:57,555
Yeah. Especially
The way she made food
You could eat.
493
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,958
Yep. She had a gift.
494
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:04,028
What are you gonna miss
Most about janet, dick?
495
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:06,863
Oh, I'm gonna miss
The amazingly nutty
Complications
496
00:21:06,865 --> 00:21:10,901
She added to my life.
Nothing, you idiot!
497
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:14,271
You know, dick,
We're all real sorry
About mary.
498
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,406
Kind of.
499
00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:18,108
Oh, I'm not worried.
When we first came here,
500
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,943
Mary hated me,
And I won her over.
501
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,011
I can do it again.
502
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:22,113
You really think so?
503
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:23,180
Of course.
504
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:25,616
She won't be able
To stay away for long,
505
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:28,085
Not with an album full
Of naked pictures of me.
506
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:30,454
She has naked
Pictures of you?!
507
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:34,057
Not yet. Harry,
Get the camera.
508
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:40,564
Captioned by the national
Captioning institute
--www.Ncicap.Org--
509
00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:44,902
Thanks.
510
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:53,977
A photo album?
511
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,813
[chuckles]
512
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,581
[gasps] Oh, my god!
513
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:02,586
[interested] Oh, my god.
514
00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:09,360
That's my teddy!
36845
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