All language subtitles for 3rd Rock from the Sun - S01E04 - Dick Is From Mars, Sally Is From Venus (1080p x265 EDGE2020)_track3_[eng]

( '50s rock music playing )

Oh, I've been there

And there,
And I've been there.

Wow! The long, boring
Stories you must have.

I have another destination
For you, tommy-- high school.

Why? I finished
My education

When you were nothing
But a snot-nosed gas ball.

That sounds like a very
Dangerous assignment.

- shouldn't I take that on?
- no. We have to try
To assume

The roles of
A regular human family.

Since tommy's the adolescent,
He'll have to go to school.

And you will
Explore the lifestyle
Of a young adult woman.

And I, as the benevolent
Father figure,

Will provide the major
Source of income

And give you
Cute nicknames.

- dick?
- what is it, kitten?

What's my role
In the family?

You're the brother
Who tries hard

But still doesn't have
The nerve to move out
On his own,

But we love your pluck
And determination.

But I can do more.

You see?
That's the pluck
That we love.

Now, let's just be
The warm human family
That we are.

- after you.
- why are you doing that?

I've seen men
Do it all the time.

Apparently, women don't know
How to operate doors.

Well, I do.

Oh, dick, I've thought
Of a job for myself.

I can catalog
The dangers

That surround us
On this planet.

For example, getting
Your fingers crushed

In a car door.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

♪ hey, mister space man. ♪

Why are you listening
To the serpent?

Don't eat the fruit.

Don't eat the fruit.

( sighs )

Women.

Dean sumner's office called.
You parked in his space.

I know. It's so much
Closer than mine.

- sally: move it, lady!
- and your sister's here.

- sally, I thought
I left you at home.
- you forgot your shoes.

( mutters )

What's with
The guy in 114?

Every time I walk by,
He follows me
And talks to me.

I think somebody
Has an admirer.

Great. Now can we
Talk about me?

Sally, are you
Seeing anyone now?

I'm looking at you,
Aren't I?

For god's sakes,
He's trying to ask
You on a date.

A date.
It's a perfect opportunity.

- you'll go.
- no, I won't.

- trust me, I know what's best.
- why are you treating me
Like this?

- like what?
- like this.

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- you're acting as if I can't
Make decisions for myself.

- I am second in command.
- one of us has to
Experience sex,

And I'm getting
Nowhere with her.

Well, why didn't
You say so?

If sex is so important,
You and I could do it

Right here on the desk,
Get it out of the way.

Okay,

I'll leave you clampetts
Alone to your banjo lesson.

"When beetles fight
These battles in a bottle
With their paddles,

And the bottle's in
A poodle and the poodle's
Eating noodles,

They call this a muddle
Puddle tweetle poodle

Beetle noodle
Bottle paddle battle."

This man is a genius.

( footsteps )

Well, if it isn't
Our proud little student.

What did you learn
On your first day?

I'm wearing the wrong
Kind of sneakers,

And girls
Only like seniors,

And, man, you can't
Compliment anybody
In the shower.

You see,
And you thought
You knew everything.

Sally, you're going to
Be late for your date!

Sally:
I just don't know
what to wear!

- is this appropriate?
- I would say yes.

Come on, men.
What do I do on a date?

I've been reading about it.
I'll walk you through it.

- I'll be your date.
- you're not doing anything

Until you've done
Your homework, old man.

You guys get
To talk about sex

While I make an aztec
Village out of macaroni?

This is fair.

Okay, harry,
You're brad,

And the two of you are
At a romantic restaurant.

Here.

Okay, now go ahead.

I don't know
What to do.

Gaze into his eyes
The way dr. Albright

Gazes into mine.
You know...

That's perfect.
Now, break the ice

By telling him something
Personal about yourself.

Well, uh, brad...
( clears throat )

Once every lunar cycle,
My uterine lining
Sloughs itself, thereby--

- whoa, whoa, whoa!
- ( dick humming )

Oh, oh!

That may be too personal.

It does.
One minute, I'm fine.

- the next, my uterus
Starts throbbing--
- hey!

( yells gibberish )

There is something
To be said

For keeping some mystery
In a relationship.

When do I get to touch
Your breasts?

Right before you die.

Fair enough.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, aye, aye.

♪ rainbows, daisies ♪

♪ snowflakes,
That girl. ♪

( gasps )
My boys.

( laughing )

She's swallowed
A tiny monkey.

So, lieutenant,
Give us a full report
On your assignment.

He was wonderful.
He thinks I'm wonderful.

He asked me where
I'd been all his life.

- you didn't tell him?
- all the coordinates.

Thank goodness he didn't
Believe me, so I didn't
Have to kill him.

- what happened after dinner?
- well, he wanted
To sleep with me.

- I wanted sex, but since he
Was tired, I let him go home.
- damn.

But...

The good news is...
( sighs )

He's gonna call me.

I wish I could meet
A guy like that.

Come on, sport,
I'll drive you to school.

- bite me.
- bite me, what?

Bite me, daddy.

That's better.

See you tonight,
Slugger.

No, you won't 'cause
I'll be out with brad,

Having fun.

All right,
Good job.

Come on.
Let's keep it
Moving, solomon.

- climb the rope.
- yeah. What's at
The top of the rope?

Your self-respect is
At the top of the rope.

Run this by me again.
I climb up there,

And then I...?

You climb down!

And this gives me
Self-respect because...?

Look, you don't want
To climb the rope,

You can go sit over
There with the girls.

So, if I don't
Climb the rope,

- then I sit
With the girls.
- that's right.

Help me out here
'cause I'm not seeing
The downside.

- ( snaps )
- must you make
Such a racket?!

Okay,

You've bossed me around
For the last time.

Oh, I'm sorry
I blew up like that.

( snaps )

( bottles clattering )

There he is.

There he is.

There he is.

You know, what goes on
Outside this office

- is really none
Of my business.
- there he is.

Just because I set
Sally up with brad

Doesn't mean you're
Under any obligation
To tell me how it went.

- there he is.
- I'm not even curious.

Mm-hmm, right there.

Sally's date?
Start talking.

Well, what can I say?
In her own words,
It was wonderful.

- both: mm-hmm.
- she overate, and he
Found her charming.

- mm-hmm.
- in fact, he's
Going to call her.

Both: mmm.

What?

Orange juice.

Ah! Nontoxic.

Tabasco.

Ah! Also nontoxic.

- he said he'd call.
- yes, I know.

He promised.
He said he'd call.

- that changes everything.
- I can take more pain

Than the rest of you put
Together, but right now
I just feel so...

Icky.

Damn it, dick, give me
Some pain I can define.

I am not going
To jam your hand
In the toaster again.

You just can't imagine
What it feels like, dick.

It's like he reached in,

And pulled all the bones
Out of my body.

( crying )

My god!
What are you doing?

Apparently, I'm leaking.

Well, stop it!

All right, commander.
( sobs )

Wine cooler.

Ah! I could go
Either way.

Lieutenant,
We need to talk.

This is all your fault.
I didn't want to be the woman.
You made me be the woman.

You're a decorated veteran.
I thought you could handle it.

Well, I can't.
This is hard.

Please, don't.
No. Please don't.

It went so great.
Brad said he liked me.

Why won't he call?
( sobbing )

- there, there.
- ( groans )

Maybe he can't call.
Maybe his phone is out.

Maybe he injured himself
Running with scissors

Or used a dry cleaning
Bag as a toy.

Dick...

I've lost all feeling
In the left side
Of my body.

Could somebody
Please call 1-1-6?

Do not touch
That phone!

- oh, dad!
- now what is it?

My teachers want to talk
To you about my attitude,

As if I have
An attitude.

( sighs )
This is just perfect.

I try to mold us
Into a family
That will blend in,

And what do I get?
A surly teenager,

A sister obsessed
With a man, and a brother
Who drinks too much.

Is there another
Family in the whole
World like this?

I don't think so.

- frankly, I can't
Take it anymore.
- me, neither.

- I'm outta here.
- I have got to find out
What happened to brad.

"Induce vomiting."
There's an idea.

If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the garage...

Putting up peg board.

- hello, brad.
- sally.

I've come to check
Your phone.

Sally, please,
Calm down.

No, you may not
Maim harry.

I don't know,
Find someone
On the street.

- trouble at home?
- no. Why would you
Say that?

- he didn't call, did he?
- not yet.

Both: mmm.

I just wish sally had
Some woman friends
To turn to.

- are you asking for my help?
- are you offering it?

How can I be offering
If I don't know
What you're asking?

- why would I ask?
I don't need help.
- then I'm not offering.

Fine with me.

You can't say it,
Can you?

Help me!

I don't know what to do.
I can't stand to see
Her like this.

There, that
Wasn't so hard.

- then you'll help?
- no.

Can't you just take her
Out tonight and talk to her?

You don't have to go alone.
Nina would be happy
To join you.

Ooh, I'm sorry,

Tonight's the night I'm
Having my eyes gouged out.

Can't you reschedule it?

Put yourself in her position--
You go out on a date,

You have a wonderful time,
Various arousing stimuli

Fly back and forth
Across the table,

And then he doesn't call.
How would you repair
Yourself?

I'd get good and toasted
And call him filthy names.

Yes, great.
Now go and do that
With sally.

You're buying.

Of course.

Oh, she's way more
Upset than that.

Dr. Solomon,
Let me be blunt.

Tommy seems to have
A problem with authority.

And jimmy refused
To climb the rope.

What was at the top
Of the rope?

If he were my boy,
I'd warm up his little bottom.

You're the one who
Didn't want him sitting
With the girls, right?

I think he's just jealous
Because I've done so much
Better than he has.

Dr. Solomon,
Nobody ever said
Being a father is easy.

You're telling me.
Some of you must
Have children,

As frightening
As that thought is.

What do you do?

You need to set a good
Example for your son
To live up to.

Since when did my son
Become my responsibility?

You're the ones who are
Falling down on the job.

You're supposed to
Be educating him.

Knowledge is the only
Chance this planet has
For survival.

One day you're going to
Have to find someone to pull
Your collective butts

Out of the cosmic pliers,
And all you'll have
To pick from

Is a bunch
Of rope climbers!

Dr. Solomon,
I think you're avoiding

The real problem--
The home environment.

Well, of course
I'm avoiding it.

It's full
Of crazy people.

Oh, come on, sally.
I know you're in
A lot of pain,

But holding it in isn't
Going to do you any good.

You've got to let it out.
Come on, open up.

( screaming )

That really helped.

- this can't be the first
Bad date you've ever had.
- well...

A couple of years ago,
A friend set me up,

And my date turned out
To be this giant,
Slimy yolk sac.

- yeah, I've been there.
- who hasn't?

I once dated this chemistry
Professor, dr. Abrams.

Oh, god, she's starting
With the a's.

He invited me
To portage lakes
For a romantic weekend,

And then just
Never showed up.

- did you kill him?
- no, no.

I don't believe in violence.
Violence doesn't
Do you any good.

However, a gas tank
Full of sugar

And a flaming bag
Of dog poop will.

And you take that orally?

Tommy, your teachers
Seem to think

I'm not acting enough
Like a father to you.

- you're not my father.
- well, that's true,

But I want to try
To act like one.

Fine. What do fathers
And sons do together?

Oh, they do this.

Yes, I've seen that.

Aw.

Excellent.
We're roughhousing.

Son.

( both yelling )

This has taken
A wrong turn somewhere.

I've got a better idea.

We can do what
The guy downstairs
Does with his son.

They watch tv for
18 hours straight.

Yes, it's the classic
Male-bonding ritual.

( sports show theme music
playing on tv )

Oh, look,
Monday night football.

All:
All right!

What is it?

Isn't there someplace
Where people can just have

Meaningless sex
With various partners?

Yes, it's called
The '70s.

Well, how late
Is it open?

Hey, check out
The bartender.

Ooh, god's gift
To women.

I hope he kept
The receipt.

Oh, get a load of

- the guy in the vest.
- I hope he kept
The receipt.

See, sally, you are
Not the problem.

Guys are jerks.
You're just never gonna
Find the perfect man.

Yeah, the perfect man
Would have

Bill gates' money,
Jimmy smits' ass,

Liam neeson's shoulders,
Michael jordan's thighs--

- and we need a brain.
- ( scoffs ) no, we don't.

Yeah, you're right,
Then he'd think
Like a man.

See, sally,
There's just no dealing
With the opposite sex.

Yes, the opposite sex.

I didn't do
Anything wrong.

It's men.

They're a completely
Opposite sex.

They hunt. We gather.
They sweat. We glow.

They shake.
We wipe.

You, your sexual organs

Are in total diametric
Opposition to mine.

Well, hey, so can I give you
A call sometime or...?

Oh, yeah, I'll be
Waiting by the phone.

( laughing )

- have we poisoned her?
- no...

Now she's
A buxom, leggy,

Pouty-lipped bitch
With attitude.

I think she'll do
Just fine.

( doorbell rings )

- hello, brad.
- s-sally.

( chuckles nervously )

I came here to tell you

That I understand
Your limitations.

( chuckles )
I expected too much.

I'm so sorry.
All the best.

Oops. Got your knob.

Hasn't tonight
Been great?

Just us boys
Drinking beer,
Yelling like idiots,

Emitting various gasses.

Oh! Oh, look.

They're doing
That thing again.

- ohh!
- here it comes.
Look out.

All:
Oh, yeah!

- sally's back.
- party's over.

- harry: thank god.
- sally, you're smiling.

- you're fixed.
- no, dick,

I'm not fixed because
I was never broken.

I'm supposed
To be this way.
I'm a woman.

- yes, and...?
- tell me, dick, what kind
Of shampoo do you use?

- I don't know.
- exactly.

And do you feel
The urge to have

An eight-pound
Screaming larva

Rip its way out
Of your lower abdomen?

No, I think I can
Do without that.

You see, here,
You and I

Are completely
Different life-forms,

And it's just
Some sick cosmic joke

That we have
To share a planet.

I've been thinking
About your assignment.

Maybe it wasn't fair of me,
Making you the woman.

I'm all right.

I can handle
The mood swings,
The emotional issues,

The catcalls,
The punitive underwear,

Because, frankly, when I
Think of the alternative...

I just have to laugh.

Mother earth.

Father time.

- lady luck.
- "Gentleman's quarterly."

Daughters of
The american revolution.

"Son of kong."

- fairy godmother.
- the godfather of soul.

Mississippi.

Mister sippi.

( '50s rock music playing )