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I am so excited about
your date with the teacher!

- That is one great head of hair.
- Well, okay, yes, it is a great

head of hair, but it is not a date.

It is a do-over between two people

who got sick on one another.

Let's take the romance out of it.

I think you just did.

I should've gotten the baguette thing.

I should've ordered the soup.

So... I have a favor to ask,

and it involves manual labor,

and you two coming to Brooklyn.

Well... how can we say no?

- Oh!
- Oh, no, no. I'm asking.

- How can we say no?
- You can't.

We need a huge turnout on Saturday

to finish painting the women's shelter
I've been working on with Nya,

and it would be so great
if you guys would come help.

I'm there. And I'll bring the kids.

I'm a really good painter.

- Carrie?
- Oh, well...

when I was on stage crew in high school,

they asked me, "Please stop painting,"

so I will happily write a check.

You can't be the white lady
who just writes a check.

If I can paint, you can paint.

- You gotta change it up.
- Speaking of change...

- Gotcha.
- Remember how I was still

getting my period

very regularly for years after
you guys had stopped getting yours?

It has been so long since
we'd heard from smug Charlotte.

I was afraid she'd retired.

- Well... I think I'm done.
- Mentioning it?

No, done done.

I haven't gotten my
period in four months,

so I think I'm finally in menopause.

Welcome to the club.
Prepare to be sweaty.

Actually, it's funny.

I haven't gotten any hot flashes,

or breast tenderness, or brain fog,

or any of those awful
symptoms you guys had.

I'm not being smug.

- Hello?
- It's Lisette,

your downstairs neighbor.

Oh.

What, like there's
a Lisette from upstairs?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm sorry for the home invasion,

but just real quick,

um, I'm a jewelry designer,

and I wanted to give you this.

I love a home invasion
with what I'm assuming

- is free jewelry.
- Yes.

Oh, it's pretty.

I would be so stoked
if you wore this out,

or, maybe, put it on your Insta?

When Scarlett Johansson
wore me, sales spiked, so.

God, I just made
myself sick saying that.

I'm sorry. It's what I have to
do, or it's back to modeling, so.

Please lower your expectations
on those sales spikes.

- You know, I'm just a lowly writer.
- No, hardly.

I'm obsessed with your podcast.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- I guessed a size five.
- If you say so.

Oh, that's pretty. What is that?

Oh... this is my wedding ring.

Oh, I didn't know you were married.

I mean, I've never seen him.

Is it, like, long-distance or something?

Well, yes, very.

I dated a guy in Santa Fe once,

and we could not make it work at all.

Well, is that it's, it's
not long-distance. He died.

I just... haven't taken it off yet.

Oh... I'm...

Again. Practice your
Torah portion again.

- It's only two weeks away.
- But I don't wanna have a Bat Mitzvah.

That's why you're having
a "They Mitzvah."

So, come on, again. From the top.

Saved by the bell.

Hey, Anthony, I only have a minute.

I only have a minute, too.

Someone called in sick,

so I'm the hot fella today,

and if anyone has a problem with it,
I'll see them in court.

I'm not done with you!

Is it okay if I bring
someone I just started seeing

- to dinner Friday?
- Of course.

Is he... appropriate for children?

I think so. I can't find
his dick anywhere online.

- Okay.
- Relax.

He's sexy, smart, always reading.

I think he's read everything
that's ever been published.

- No!
- What the hell?

I have no idea. I, I, I gotta go.

Go... That bread is friggin' heavy.

I'm not paying these guys enough.

- Oh no, no way, no!
- Okay, bye.

- Lily, what on earth?!
- No, no, no!

I just got my period,
and my tracking app

says that I'm gonna get
it again on the 21st.

Lindsay's pool party in the Hamptons!

- Okay.
- Shit!

Okay, let's just calm down.

Stop cursing.

I know you said you'd
rather die than use a tampon.

Yes, I would rather
die than use a tampon.

Well, these are your choices.

You could either...
learn to use a tampon,

which I'm happy to help you do,

- or skip the pool party.
- No!

Gah! Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

- Rock, get back in here!
- Dammit!

Oy.

- You look especially pretty tonight.
- Oh, thank you.

And you look especially
whatever acceptable,

non-polarizing
gender-positive compliment

you feel comfortable with.

You are a lot of fun...

even with your clothes on. Wild.

- Sorry to interrupt.
- She's makin' me do this.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- Okay, we're, like, your biggest fans,

and we know you're eating right now,

but... but could we get
a quick selfie with you?

- Aw.
- Yeah? Sure. Sure. No problem.

- I can take it if you want.
- Wait, are you famous, too?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm just... the girlfriend.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

- Oh, okay.
- Here we go!

Cute. Okay, here we go.

Nice.

- Again?
- O-Okay.

You really helped me
through some dark times.

- Ah, there you go.
- Perfect.

Oh, and you hooked up with
a friend of ours, Melvin.

- Melvin DeGayo? In Buffalo.
- Mmm.

And you slept with
another friend of ours, Aubrey,

in the Twin Cities. She's Australian.

Okay, well, thank you.

- Thank you. Have a good night.
- Thank you!

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Take care. Oh, careful.

So, where were we?

- We were having fun.
- Ah, yes... that.

Yay, us.

I can't remember the last
time I waited in line. You?

- To get my vaccine.
- Oh, honey, I wish you knew me then.

I got mine before the President.

Well, listen, while we're waiting,

can you take a picture
of the ring my neighbor

designed for me to post on Instagram?

Sure, then you can take
a picture of me waiting in line.

We'll send it to Ripley's
Believe It or Not!

I'm just doing this to save her
from a life of high-fashion modeling.

Should I not be wearing
my wedding ring anymore?

I really have no idea. See? No priors.

You know, technically...
I am no longer married,

and I am going on
that non-date tomorrow.

You know, is it a... Is it appropriate?

I guess what's appropriate
is however you feel about it.

I have never had to bribe a
doorman to get into a hot club...

until tonight.

Why are we putting
ourselves through this?

Let's just, let's just leave.

No, I really want to go dancing tonight.

- It's my birthday.
- What?!

- Why didn't you tell me?
- I'm not a birthday person.

I don't want all the fuss.
I just wanna go dancing tonight.

You are not bribing
a doorman on your birthday.

Let me handle this.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We've all seen that scene in a movie

where someone tries to talk
their way into the cool club.

I've seen it, you've seen it.

We don't need to do that scene.

We're both grown-ups,

but it's my friend's birthday,

and all she wants is to go dancing,

so could you please

just let us in for
a little while to dance?

We won't stay long.

We're at capacity.

So, I guess we're doin' that scene.

That's really offensive.

Let's go.

- Was I just canceled by a doorman?
- Mm-hm.

- Did you make a wish?
- Yes.

It had to do with the doorman
and erectile dysfunction.

Fifty-four.

I really thought 53 would
be the year I meet my guy.

I told myself, "I'm 53. That's
not 54, which is so close to 55."

- Careful.
- But...

I guess, instead of meeting
my guy this last year...

I met an amazing new friend.

So... here's to 53. Best year ever.

To 54... and your new guy.

I'll take that.

Mm...

but whatever happens, I think I'm good.

If I were to look at my life

like it were an apartment
I were trying to sell,

it'd be pretty damn lux.

Okay, yes. I don't have
everything on the wish list.

No wood-burning
fireplace in the bedroom,

but I have a killer floor plan,

lots of closet space...
and a breathtaking view.

Your fireplace is out there.

I just know it.

That's your birthday gift to me.

Hey, are you doing anything on Saturday?

A client offered me tickets
to a matinee in the Public.

I can't. I'm painting a house
in Greenpoint for charity,

and it's an all-day
affair 'cause it's so far,

the subway has to go through
three time zones to get there.

I will drive you. We're too
young for matinees anyway.

Why would you ever do that?

Because if you get lost on the subway,

who else will I not
get into hot clubs with?

Kids! Uncle Anthony will be
here any minute with his new guy!

Ah! Honey, you scared me. What's up?

- Mom.
- Uh-huh?

- I'm ready.
- For dinner? Great!

- Go ahead. Pour the water.
- No, I mean...

I'm ready to learn
how to put in a tampon.

- Really? Now?
- Yes, now.

Let's do it before I change my mind.

Okay, yes, yes. Let's do this.

Oh my God, they're here.

Okay, uh, give me one second,

and I will meet you in the bathroom.

We're coming!

Welcome, welcome!

- It's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

Justin, this is Charlotte.
Charlotte, Justin.

Yes, come in, come in.

I just have to run, and take
care of one thing really quickly.

Honey, could you please make
these gentlemen some drinks?

I just have to deal with something.

Oh, oh, and

take the challah out of the oven,
please, in 10 minutes.

- Listen for the timer.
- You got it.

- Oh, is this a Jewish dinner?
- Mm-hm.

You know, the Holocaust
is a hoax, right?

Get out!

Okay, it's really very simple.

If you can feel it
at all, it's in wrong.

And the trick is
getting the right angle.

You want it to go to
the back, like this,

not straight up, like this.

What?!

No fair.

I was gonna be the one to
get here embarrassingly early.

You know, one of my
superpowers as a teacher

is this uncanny ability
to read facial cues.

Are you about to tell me
your dog ate your homework?

Do kids still do homework on paper?

No... No, they do not.

We're not gonna have
dinner tonight, are we?

But I came here because
I didn't want to text you.

I feel so bad.

I appreciate that.

See, I went to take off my
wedding ring before I came here,

and I'm sorry for the rushed intimacy,

but it's the only way to let you
know that this is not about you.

That's very kind.

Instead of putting mine away...

I put John's on.

That's my husband's name, John.

And this is his wedding ring.

I remarried myself with a Band-Aid.

I see.

Hey, you know, maybe this dating
thing with us is a Band-Aid, too.

You know, for both of us.

We're tryin' to cover up
somethin' that still hurts.

I still have Anne's
last voicemail on here.

I play it all the time.

- Oh...
- No, it's okay.

Well, Carrie, that's strike two.

One more and we're out.

Hey... The best rejection ever.

You can do this, Lily.
You're almost there,

and you are gonna feel
so good once it's done!

Some people like to put it in

with one leg up on
the toilet, like this.

Remember, there's really only
one hole that it can go into.

Do you want me to
just... show you on me?

Ew, gross, no.

Do not let a tampon scare you.

You scare the tampon. So that
being said, I'm gonna give

a little bit of a rundown on
tampons, basically how-to...

Just relax all your muscles.

Picture butter melting...

and breathe.

You can do this... or not.

The choice is yours.

Just stick it in!

Jam it up there, Lily! Just do it!

Guys, what's taking so long?

- Everybody's hungry.
- Honey, we have to take a break.

- It's just too rude for our guests.
- It's in!

It is?!

I'm sorry I forgot to check the challah.

I'm sorry that took so long.

I'm sorry I brought Justin.

Surprise.

It's your new favorite person
with your favorite cookies.

Oh, my God. Did we have a plan?

- Did-did I space?
- No! No, no, no.

I was studying at the library,
and was cravin' me some Che,

so I hopped on the train, and...

Hello, you.

Mmm...

Mwah.

Hm, hi... Okay.

This is awkward.

- Um...
- Oh, my God.

Someone's here. You're not alone.

Of course, you're not
alone. Is someone here?

Yes, someone's here.

Me... Yeah, I'm here.

I'm in the middle of
writing and I kind of wish

- you would've texted or called.
- It's not a problem.

- I'm gonna go.
- W-Wait, Miranda.

No, no, no. It-it's fine. I-I'm gone.

- And this never happened!
- What the fuck?

Miranda, stop!

Sorry, sorry. Have your night.

I, I, I shouldn't have
come. So fucking stupid.

Who am I? Meg Ryan! Fuck!

Can you please stop?

- Why are you running away from me?
- Why do you think?

Because I saw myself and heard myself,

and now, I wanna get as far
away from here as possible.

W-What is happening right now?

I have no idea. I really don't.

I mean, I don't know why I did this.

If-if you were a guy that
I had just started seeing,

I would never show up at your doorstep

- with cookies unannounced.
- Okay, this isn't going to work.

What do you, what do mean
this isn't gonna work?!

No, no, no, no! This has to work...

Please, please, just
let me finish my thought.

This isn't gonna work...
if you lock us into those

fucking limiting relationship tropes.

You know, guys do this,
and, and girlfriends do that.

Th-This isn't cosplay. I'm not a guy.

You're not my girlfriend,
and we're not dating.

We're not? What are we doing?!

Okay, we are getting to know each other.

- You and me.
- In my defense,

you keep saying I should
throw out the script,

and that's what I thought I was doing.

I was tryin' to be spontaneous,

- and, you know, ditch the script...
- Oh.

- And do improv instead.
- Oh God,

please do not call our
relationship improv.

I suck at improv.

I'm just kidding. This is me and you.

Or you and me if you want top billing.

Well, for this drama on the
stairs, I think I deserve it.

- Hm.
- Okay.

Hey, to answer your indirect question.

You are the only person
I'm sleeping with right now.

- Oh.
- Mm-hm.

Come here.

- Please come upstairs.
- No, I'm gonna go...

because that is not
what Meg Ryan would do.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about my cookies?

I am going to eat them on the ride home.

Okay, what's happened to my life?

Now I'm waiting in a line to paint.

Go. Go, go, go. You don't have to stay.

No, it's for a good cause,
and I heard about this

Lebanese restaurant
in the area for lunch.

So how long do we have
to pretend to paint?

Seema, I am not pretending to paint.

I am here to wor... Look
at me. I'm wearin' overalls.

I see that. You can just write a check.

Oh, I, I am, but I was told in
no uncertain terms by Miranda

I cannot be that white woman
that just writes a check.

It is so hard to be white now.

Hey, Luisa. Carrie Bradshaw, plus one.

Hi, Carrie. Here you are.

Great. This list, we're on.

Hey, you made it! And you
brought Seema! Awesome!

Seema, I'll get you one of
the T-shirts to paint in.

Okay, everyone's working in pairs,

so you guys can start in the bathrooms.

- Thank you.
- Okay, I'm gonna be over there.

Brown lady smoking
writing a big, fat check.

- Thank you!
- My God, Steve came.

We were gonna do this as a family event,

- and we're still a family, so.
- Well, that's very impressive.

Well, yeah, so is Steve.

Hey, hey, Carrie!

- You're wearin' overalls.
- Yeah, you betcha.

I'm here to paint until someone
says to me, "Please, stop."

- What's up, Farmer Joe?
- Ahh, come here, you big lug.

Okay.

So, um, everybody's workin' in pairs.

I call Carrie. I mean, look
at her. She means business.

Okay, so it's me and you, Brady.

- No, I'm workin' with Luisa.
- Oh, naturally.

All right, I'll find a partner.

Oh, hi. Hi, everyone.
Oh, thank you for coming.

- Nya, this is Carrie.
- Oh, Carrie, hi.

Oh, I wish you were meeting me on a day

where my head wasn't exploding.

I just found out the venue that was

donating lunch for everyone
thought it was next week.

- Oh... sorry.
- Ooh, that's bad.

- Well, we can... Whoa.
- What the fuck is that?

Oh, wow. Is it prom night?

Hi, hi, hi! We made it!

Aw, yep, there's our prom queen.

- Oh my gosh. Is this Nya?!
- Uh, this is Nya.

- Hi, I'm Charlotte.
- Hi, Charlotte.

- So nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

These are my kids, Rock and Lily.

And that is my friend, Lisa
Todd Wexley, and her children.

Oh, you're cute. Hi!

- What's with the camera?
- Huh?

This is not an Instagram opportunity.

Full disclosure, I ordered
a 10-passenger van,

- and this is what showed up.
- Oh.

Talk about tone deaf.

- But, Professor Wallace...
- Oh.

I am so moved by everything
that you're doing,

and if you would permit me,

I thought I'd take some photos.

They're great for fundraising,
and your website.

- That would be so helpful.
- Okay.

How bad do you feel?

- So bad.
- Mm-hm.

Oh, and my husband, Herbert,
is in there finishing up a call,

but he does the heavy lifting,

so if you need anything...

- let me know.
- Well, if you could figure out

how to get me lunch for a hundred.

My caterer's a no-show.

Uh, yeah, let, let me see what I can do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Hi, Tony?

Gabby, can you go a little faster?

We're only here for a day, sweetheart.

Yeah, there you go. Good job.

Good job. That's nice. That's nice.

Damn, that's some Grade A
fatherin' over there.

- This is so satisfying.
- I know, right?

Oh, yeah.

It's the stuff of life, isn't it?

The stuff of their life. Give you that.

Seriously, no pangs when
you see somethin' like that?

- That could be us.
- Andre... they came in a limo.

They probably have, like, three nannies.

I'm guessing they're not still renting.

Way to bring down a vibe, Ny.

Until three years ago,

that man wouldn't notice if someone left

a crying baby in his guitar case.

I guess that...

switch was just flicked
by the Norman Rockwell

painting scene over there.

I think it's more
like he's programmed.

I mean, we keep having
these great conversations

where he accepts our life,

and then, he sees a minivan commercial,

and he, he falls back into
what he's supposed to want.

Yeah, we're all programmed.

I'm a grown woman, and
I'm still programmed

to be a girlfriend.
I can't stop checking

my phone every five minutes
to see if they still like me.

Yeah, well, then I guess
I'm programmed to say,

"Don't worry 'cause I'm
sure they're gonna text you."

Excuse me.

What is all this tables, and
trucks, and crap everywhere?

And why are you asking me?

You are sitting here smoking
a cigarette doing nothing.

- You look like a boss.
- Well, you got that right.

So, boss...

what is all this mess
doing on my street?

Are you Mr. Bay Shore Drive?

You're funny.

You know what isn't funny...

is all of these things
in the way of my club.

I noticed that. Is it any good?

It's the hottest club in Brooklyn.

Says you.

How long did you know about it?

I think she asked me to help last week.

No, I mean, you... about,
you know, her and...

this... Che.

You know, she, uh, I guess, is they...

work at your podcast, right? So...

did you introduce them?

Shit.

- Steve, this is just... so.
- Uh, no, no. I...

I'm, I'm sorry. I... No
need to get uncomfortable.

I'm just trying to get
some information here.

You know, this... whole
thing all came up on me

pretty damn fast, and...

can you help me out here?

I really had absolutely
nothing to do with it.

Okay...

but...

did you know that Miranda
wanted to be with women?

Is, is there somethin'
she ever said to you?

No... no. She, she never said that.

And really... all I know
is what she said to me.

And what's that?

That it's not about
being with women. It's...

It's about being with Che.

- So... that's all I can say.
- Okay.

But, how long ago did this thing start?

I mean, you gotta know.

- Ahh... Shit!
- Ooh, shit!

I'm sorry. That's on me. I...

- Fuck.
- No, no, no, no. It's not your fault.

It's not. It's... I just...
You know what?

I should probably wash it off.

I'll be super fast.

Oh, so sorry. Be right back.

Yikes.

No! Shit.

No... no! God! Steve!

- Hey, what's the matter?
- Big's wedding ring!

His wedding ring just
went down the drain.

Oh my God, can you help me?!

My god. The... My... I had a Band-Aid
on it, and it, it slipped off.

Oh my god, is it gone?
Is his ring gone?!

- Nah, it's, probably, in the P-Trap.
- So, it's not gone?

I, I, I don't know how plumbing works.

It's most likely in the trap.

I'll go find somethin',
open it up and see.

Okay, can you hurry?

Oh shit!

Mom, you're being too
careful and OCD about it.

- Just paint.
- Mom, help. I'm freaking out.

My tampon string? It's gone.

Oh, I'm sure it's not gone.

You're just having
some trouble finding it.

It's... gone.

Let's go. Let's go!

The porta-potties are right over here.

Porta-potties? Gross!

Well, I'm sorry. All the real bathrooms
are being painted.

Hey, Charlotte... Lunch is ready.

Amazing!

- Great work!
- Mom, it is an emergency!

Ugh, well, I can't be rude, Lily.

Oh, please, please, please.

- Oh my God! Thank you.
- Sure.

Ah... thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Any luck with the string?

No, it's gone! I'm not kidding!

It's not gone. It-it's just hiding.

Usually, it's in your tushy crack.

- Did you look there?
- Oh my God! Gross! No!

There's no air in here, Mom.

Mom?! Mom, I can't breathe!

Honey, just calm down.

I-I'm gonna go get you some water, okay?

Okay, go! Hurry, Mom!

Oh, and not cold! Room temp!

- Thank you.
- Thanks so much.

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Yummy!

Hey! What's happening with you?

I saw you running in and out

of the bathrooms all wired.

Do you have a coke problem now?

No, I am in hell.

I have to help Lily with her tampon.

She just started wearing them,
and it's a nightmare.

- Now, she wants water.
- Man, you're a good mother.

My mom never helped me
with all that stuff.

My sister taught me.

My friend Mindy
showed me at summer camp.

- No one in my house used tampons.
- Really?

Oh my God. It's her.

It's like having a newborn again,

but with a cell phone and her period.

- Bye.
- Bye.

See, I couldn't handle that.

There's no way.

Oh...

Oh, it's Che!

Are you gonna answer it?

No... I mean, I want to, but I'm not.

I've been too available lately.

Oh, so you're doin' The Rules now?

You're gonna tell them you
can't go out tomorrow night

- 'cause you're washing your hair.
- Stop it.

- I'm just pulling back a little.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Why didn't they leave a voicemail?

- I know, I have a problem.
- Paint on your face.

Hey.

Hey.

What was all that before?

Are we 100% sure we
don't wanna try again?

Oh my God, Andre. Have you met us?

Our entire 15-year relationship

has been about me and you...

my work, your music.
That was our total focus.

I... Well... am I not allowed to pivot?

A child is not a pivot.

That's not fair to me.

Okay, well, this isn't fair to me.

You keep opening this up.

I'm not 100%.

Andre, don't make this miracle of us

finding each other not enough.

What?

Just say it.

I just feel... that I want one.

And I don't know if I should
be workin' so hard

to talk myself out of that.

I can't find it!

- Oh, I got it! I found it!
- Great.

- I'll see you back inside.
- No, don't go!

I need help pulling it out.

It always feels like
I'm pulling out all of my insides!

Lily... I love you madly,

but I draw the line at
pulling out your tampon string.

Pull your own string!

- Wait, Mom!
- Enough is enough!

No, really, Mom! Stop! Come back!

- I have to tell you something!
- Everyone has their limit,

- and this is mine!
- Mom!

Oh dear. Oh dear. Charlotte!

- Oh, Charlotte! Come here super quick.
- Hey.

I am ready to throttle her.

Just when I am finally
done with my periods,

I thought I would not have to deal
with this shit anymore.

Well, you may not be
as done as you think.

- What, what are you doing?
- I'm just gonna...

wrap this around your waist.

I think you got a flash period.

I did?! Wh-What the hell is that?

It, it, it happened to me once

months after I thought I was done.

I was arguing a case in court,

and the opposing counsel

literally signaled me to look at my ass.

How have you never mentioned this?

Repressed it as soon as it happened.

Hey.

- Got you some lemonade.
- Oh.

Thank you.

How's that heart rate?

It's better, thank you.

Sorry, I just...

Oh... I panicked.

I get it.

This ain't never comin' off.

I don't care what Miranda does,
or with who.

'Til death do us part.

Steve.

What about you?

You are such a wonderful,
wonderful person.

Don't you maybe want to find someone?

At some point.

Never comin' off.

_

Welcome, boss.

- And just like that...
- Have fun.

I was up for a dance.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com