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We do not know yet
when that time will come.

Only God himself knows that, but He
has told me there will be signs.

And when I have witnessed
these signs,

I know that will mean God wishes
for us to join Him in eternity.

And at that point,
we must have the courage

to free ourselves of our earthly bodies
and to join our creator in Heaven.

But that time is yet to come.

In the meantime, He wills it that
I continue my work here on Earth.

Two fat ladies...88.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR
PHONE RINGS

Sir? Come in.

Hello? Home Secretary.

Oh, hello, Fabio.
Yup, hang on a sec.

My interior designer.

Yup, go on.

Yup, the cushions for the sofa, yup.

All right, you check them out,
I'll hang on the line. What's this about?

Me? Yeah! The Daily Mail
would like a statement

about the gay wheelchair
basketball team from Sierra Leone

who are applying for asylum.

Frankly, they're freakish and ugly
and I wouldn't want them in my home.

OK, I might have to
tone that down a bit.

No, no, no, swap them for the other
cushions. Can we send them back?

Come on, Peter,
can we send them back?

Oh, er, no, no. They're saying
they'll face the death penalty, sir.

I'd hang them myself if I could.

Do you want me to quote you
on that, or...?

No, but I'm not good with curtains,

so could you attach them
to the poles yourselves? Yes.

Out of curiosity,
how are they supported?

Are you simple, Peter?
Who's backing them?

There's an online campaign,
the spokesperson

for Liberty has made
remarks to the press

and the Lib Dems are behind them.
Those knobs. Yes, their spokesman...

No, no, knobs on
the kitchen cabinets.

No, they belonged to the previous
owner. Send them away. Yup.

Dining chairs, hmm.
What's wrong with their legs?

No, no, not you, Fabio.
What's wrong with their legs, Peter?

Oh, well, mostly spinal injuries,
some congenital conditions.

Is it significant? Of course. I need
to know if they're a bunch of fakes.

Well, they're members of the
International Federation...

Sh! Are they genuine Queen Marys?

I said, are they actual Queen Marys,
Peter, are they really gay?

Who knows, I mean...?

Well, just check their bottoms
for giveaway signs.

I don't think we have
the powers to do that, sir.

Sorry, Fabio, it's not a good line.

I said turn the vases over
and see if they're real Wedgwood, OK?

Yep, all right, Fabio, thanks, you're
doing a very good job. OK, bye.

Home Secretary, we really do
need a decision.

It's not just the Mail,
there's a whole storm brewing.

Are we going to let them stay?

Well, this is a delicate matter.

They're clearly exposed and have been
badly mistreated. I trust your judgement.

If you think they need helping out,
then let's not leave them dangling.

I'll get on the phone to
immigration. Shh, shh, shh!

Not you. I'm talking to my proctologist
on the other line about my piles.

Oh, shit!

Kick and kick
and keep those core muscles strong!

World's greatest pentathlete,
that's what they'll say.

Feel that gold medal
round your neck, Joe,

visualise it, strong and solid
against your chest.

You're up there on the podium,
packed stadium, God Save The Queen,

fighting back the tears,
a whole nation united in pride.

A hero's return.
You know what that means, don't you?

Year down the line, team captain
on Hole In The Wall.

All these 5am sessions
will start to make sense

when you get in that silver jumpsuit.

My, my, look at you in the green room

sharing gourmet crisps
with Dominic Littlewood.

Ooh, Bombay mix, don't mind if I do!
Oh, stitch, stitch, stitch.

GEORDIE ACCENTS
We were going to go.

and catch a beautiful red
mullet for our supper.

And cook it right here on the beach!
But it's a bit choppy and I don't fancy it.

That's right, so I'm using my iPhone

to book us a table
at Rick Stein's place in Padstow.

But can they fit us in?
It's pretty short notice!

We're in! Oh! Get in!

And what's more, dude,

it's part of a hotel so we won't
have to worry about driving.

Let's go for it! Come on!

This store closes in five minutes.

Please bring all of your items
to the till.

Oh, in the name of Beelzebub!

One could hardly call this
late night opening.

Darkness has been upon us
for but an hour.

Hurry, my dear Horschstadt.

The shop wench regards me
with "come hither" eyes.

Sad old perv.

Well?

My goodness! You're right.

Something's missing.

I'm told the secret lies
in the layering of many garments.

The chemise,
is it not supposed to be tucked in?

Well, apparently not.
On whose authority?

Gok Wan.

Gok what?

A gregarious sodomite
of some repute.

I saw him on the television.

But, seriously, what do you think?

Look, if we are to feed,
then we must be more..."hep".

Hip?

I'm pretty sure
they don't say that any more.

Well, aren't you even
going to try something on?

Horschstadt, I've been ravishing
maidens in this very cloak since 1482.

Hey, guys!

You're, um...looking good.

Yes, yes, good evening.
Thank you, yes.

Our work here is done. We were just
going to take a quick look in Next.

No...Urban Outfitters.
Urban Outfitters.

Oh, great, yeah, go for it.

Although you may
want to try Camden Market,

they've got more
gothicky-type stuff.

Yes, I'm sure we shall do very well,
thank you very much.

Anyway, better run. Don't want to
miss dinner, if you know what I mean.

Insufferable.

Though he did pull off
the layered effect with some elan.

Now I think I know what was missing
from my ensemble.

I'm not 100 per cent convinced,
but if you say so.

Hold, hold, my dear!

A startled fawn has just entered
the darkling glade.

Right, come on, then, everybody out.

Let us strike like a bolt of lightning
hurled from the blackest of skies.

WIND WHISTLES

Madam, my friend has something
he wishes to show you.

Agh!

Come on! Get out!

Come, come, come, dear companion.

Let us settle for these weeds, then
find a quiet corner of Garfunkel's.

Meeting Mike's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Oh, shut up.
It is. He knows it is.

Well, I suppose so.
Oh, hang on, you've got a...

We moved in together within what?

Two weeks? Two weeks, yeah.
Two weeks.

We just do everything together,
don't we? Cooking, shopping. Gym.

Of course.

And the weird thing is...

Neither of us is gay.

It was weird, though, wasn't it?

Yeah, I mean, they came
right up to our window.

What, the monkeys? No way!

Yeah, the hotel looked out
onto these trees.

The monkeys would come right
up - you had to be careful

what you left out -
they'd be, like, whoa!

Oh, that sounds so nice.

Yeah, it was brilliant. I'll bore you with
the photos when you next come round.

Do, do, yeah.

Oh, God, Sam! You all right?

Sam? Oh, God!
Is there a doctor?

Please? Sam! Oh, no!

Oh, God!

This isn't funny, but it did actually
happen to a friend of mine, so...

If you've just joined us,

it's a special edition
of the programme today.

We've got live coverage

of all the build-up
to this afternoon's Royal wedding.

Time now to get the inside story
from Royal expert, Terry Devlin.

Terry, it's...it's still
relatively early in the day,

but it looks as though everything's
in full swing in central London.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Jeremy.

In fact, the revelry here
started as early as last night

as the guests very much arrived

for an, if you like, eve of
wedding party at Clarence House.

Stephen Fry, Will Young,

Michael McIntyre,
Leona Lewis, Jools Holland.

These just some of
the names of people.

Yeah, and did you talk to
any of the guests, Terry?

Sanjeev Bhaskar, Mike Tindall,
Rowan Atkinson,

Lady Sarah Chatto,
formerly Armstrong-Jones,

the Sugababes, the Earl of Ulster,

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson,
Viscount Severn, Rory Bremner.

Just some further names of people,

all of them no doubt wound up in the
splendour of this, if one might call it,

and it's by no means
overstating it to do so,

the latest of many, many weddings
in the Royal House of Windsor.

Yeah, so just let me ask you...
Will everyone turn up?

Peter Phillips, son of the
Princess Royal, very much expected.

Terry...

Viscount Linley, offspring of the late
Princess Margaret and Lord Snowdon.

And, of course, his Royal Highness,
the Duke of Gloucester.

And Archbishop of Olomouc
sadly won't be there

on account of his having died
in 1831.

Yeah...
But Princess Eugenie

and her cadre of Royal bodyguards
very much will be there.

Did I say Michael McIntyre?
Yes, yes, you did.

What about the Prince?

I imagine even you're not going to be
getting too close to the groom, Terry?

Well, on that score,
I think it's safe to say

that you are absolutely 110 per cent
correct, Jeremy.

I shall be staying well away,

giving the Prince and his
immediate family, the Royal Family,

the space that they need,
in accordance with Royal protocol,

and indeed not one
but two restraining orders.

Oh, I am now being singled out
for special singular attention

by one of Her Majesty's
constabularians.

I won't tell you again.

So you have no previous experience
of running a school?

Bull's-eye! Let's do this.

Snakes hear through their jaws.
With you.

Prince Charles doesn't know
what he's talking about.

That's your opinion.

You can forget how to ride a bike.
Shit! Book me a refresher course.

Mr Stevenson and Mrs Hargreaves
have been at it for months. No way!

The Vikings discovered America.
Fair enough.

Tom Cruise can move small objects
with his mind.

Of course he can, dammit!

I've got a note. Not interested!

Radiohead is becoming
accessible again. Yes, it is.

Vegetarians aren't cool any more.
I see.

There's a scrap on
by the long jump pit. Is there?

Come on, team! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!
Scrap! Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!

Visitors to the Boltraffio Gardens
in Bologna

might be forgiven for walking past
this simple-looking fountain.

Not much to look at, perhaps,
but in its design and mechanism

it prefigures the achievements of
Bernini by more than a century.

It is, of course, the work of a man

whose name echoes down the centuries
- Leonardo da Vinci.

And its value
is absolutely beyond measure.

Not just an artist, or an engineer,

Leonardo was a scientist
before there were scientists.

A biologist, a physicist.

Many will have heard of his designs
for helicopters and tanks,

but few will be aware

that he also catalogued chemical
reactions and processes too.

That he was the first to make soap
from olive oil.

And that he refined potassium
from burnt wood and tree leaves.

And we know all this...

...because he recorded all of his
findings in meticulous detail here.

On numerous vellums made from
a delicate paper he produced himself.

The detail, the sheer erudition
recorded herein

must render this artefact one of the
most priceless in the whole of Europe.

Just take a look at this sketch.

FOUNTAIN GURGLES

See how the French are using
the natural cover of those rocks.

He's a clever one,
this Captain Luchard.

Shall we engage, sir?

Only if attacked directly.
This is a local quarrel

and England's fortunes are furthered
not a whit should we lose our heads.

No, I don't mind
sitting this one out.

Gives us a chance to observe
Frenchies' cannons in action, what?

Indeed, sir.

CANNON FIRE
Ah! There they go now.

CANNON FIRE

CANNON FIRE

CANNON FIRE

CAPTAIN BREAKS WIND

Ah! Here we go again.

CANNON FIRE

CANNON FIRE

CANNON FIRE

No, you listen to me, OK?

If you can't get it done by tomorrow,
I'm going to come over there

and I am, by God, going to stick it
where the sun don't shine!

Problem? Old dear next door has got a
yucca plant needs moving into the shade.

It's quite heavy.

Is this stool free?
Help yourself.

Ken!

Ken! Over 'ere, Ken.

Angelina Ballerina, Phil,
is that you?

Yes, it's me.

What's going on? What's with
all the cloak and dragon stuff?

Come over here and I'll show you.
Here, look.

Have a Nicky Witchell at that.
That came in the post today.

China crisis! A red brushed-cotton
Oxford pillowcase. What's it mean?

Nothing, that's just a sample I got
from Beds Beds Beds. Underneath.

Olympia Dukakis! A grey
brushed-cotton Oxford pillow...

I'm still none the wiser.
It's bad, Ken,

it's the classic augur of death
in the world of wholesale bedding.

Somebody is out to get me.

Yeah, well, of course they are, Phil.
You can't run a multi-county franchise

without rucking a few underlays
along the way, but so what?

You can't go on like this,
this isn't living.

Your own flesh and blood
not recognising you.

Look in the mirror,
don't even know yourself.

You're right, Ken. Oh, I tell you
what, that is a relief.

Good to have you back, and besides,
it could be a genuine mistake.

I remember when I first started out
in the carpet game,

I got sent a child's finger
in the post.

It turns out there was a perfectly
innocent explanation behind it.

Which was?

I can't remember,
but I can laugh about it now.

Well, this ain't
no laughing matter, Ken.

I might not have made the bed,

but sure as eggs is en Provence, I'm
the one who's gonna have to lie in it.

Believe you me I you they them,
Phil Cable,

you can't run away from this,
you've got to turn around and fight.

You're right, Ken.
It's dog eat dog out there.

In fact, it's worse
than dog eat dog,

it's dog leaves school at 14,
dog boils beetroot for a living,

dog runs market stall,

dog climbs ladder of swords
that is the retail bedding industry,

dog accidentally upsets other dog,

then dog threatens dog with a grey
brushed-cotton Oxford pillowcase.

Tin Machine, Phil Cable,
you are in a bad way.

Have you considered re-carpeting?
What?!

I know I should mind
me own Ski Sundays,

but the All Souls Claret can solve
a great many of man's problems.

HE SHOOTS
Agh!

You all right, Phil?
Mystery solved, Ken.

It was Terry Duvet, Dauphin Prince
of the Duvet brothers dynasty.

I remember now.

He ordered 12 gross of orthopaedic,
I sold him memory foam.

And you know the irony? If anything,
they are actually better for your back.

It's time to roll down the blind
and switch out the light.

It's curtains for Phil's Beds.

No, that's madness, Phil.
This is no time to be branching out.

No, you silly lump,
there's nothing wrong with you.

You ought to have more faith
in the good book.

That's what took your bullet.
Now, let's see who it was.

Yeah, you let me down,
I'll remember that.

You let me down, won't forget that.

You let me down, won't forget that.

Ah, would you look at that,
I might have known!

Executive Parsley!
Aye, that is a hard-wearing weave.

Job done. Tell you what,
I'll smooth things over with Terry,

send him a complimentary cheval
mirror with luxury bevelling.

That ought to do it. Now,
I'm going to treat you to a J2O.

Oh, Phil Cable, you ruin me!

Gentlemen, our orders have changed.
Are ye of a mind to fight?

ALL: Arrh!

It seems we have women aboard.
Was that a crowd of women shouting?

I said, are ye of a mind to fight?

Arrrh!

Again!
Arrrh!

Again!
Arrrh!

Again!
Arrrh!

Again!
Arrrh!

Again!
Arrrh!

Again!
Arrrh!

Again!

Oh, I'm hearing Terry Devlin
is back with us now.

Terry, very quickly,
Royal honeymoon plans?

Oh, well, Jeremy,
like many a groom before him,

the Prince will have tried to keep
this a secret from his Royal bride,

but I can tell you this -

he will have had the option
of choosing

from any number
of favoured Royal destinations.

The Maldives, Mustique,

Madeira, Malta, the Falkland Isles,

the Isle of Wight, Balmoral,
the Royal County of Berkshire,

the Royal Borough of Kensington
and Chelsea,

the Royal Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals,

Dubai, or, indeed, any of the many,
many, many holiday destinations

that do exist within
the United Kingdom

of Great Britain and Northern
Ireland, or, indeed, the...

Right, I've warned you!
Arrgh!

Um...Terry Devlin there,
our Royal Correspondent.

Now, more news on those dreadful
Californian mud slides.

Is he OK? Is he...?

Yeah, I mean, I suppose it is
a bit weird, but, you know,

we just all really get on. Er...

Yeah, I get on great with Chris...um,

I've no problem whatsoever
with the whole Fiona thing,

and, um, you know, Fiona gets on
great with Hermione, so...

WOMEN: Who's Hermione?

Ah, Barraclough!

Perhaps you'd be so good
as to allow me to accompany you.

Um... Actually, I think I might go
for a stroll out on deck, sir.

Here we are, then.
Oh, yeah, this is great.

Yes, sorry about the mess, we had a
party here yesterday, as you can see.

It was absolute mayhem.
I can see.

And I gather you're going to be
doing a similar sort of thing?

Yes, my little boy's tenth birthday,

so I thought I'd do something
a little bit special.

Oh, lovely.

Sorry, do you mind if I sort of...?
No, no, no, by all means.

Now, we can do the tables like this,
or some people prefer...

Oliver, will you stop being
such a spoilt little shit!

I've spent a lot of money today.

Stop crying and go and dance
with your sister.

You're making me look like
a bad parent.

No, I like it, it's very, um...
It's got a lovely ambience, hasn't it?

What is the hire?
Er... It's £100 for the room

and then an extra £20 for use of
the kitchen, for drinks and so forth.

I'll probably just do
a sort of drinks table over here.

Yeah. This is good, isn't it.

Yes, it's a good sized stage
for the room, yeah.

Hey! That was great, wasn't it,
everyone? Yeah.

Not 200 quid's worth of great,
though, was it, mate?

Yeah? Well, do some balloon animals
or something.

Oh, shut up. Don't you push me.

Yeah? Not so magic now,
are you, Molenzo?

No, I like it. Yeah. Yeah.

So shall we take a look
at the kitchen, or...?

Yup. Um...yes. Just through here.

It's fairly basic, but it's...
Oh!

Look, boys and girls, it's the
wicked witch of the west London.

No. No, he is not leaving.

He is staying here and enjoying the
party that I have thrown for him

because I love him!

Get...off!

Oh, brilliant!
That's the cake ruined!

Congratulations, Sandra, brilliant!

Do you want some birthday cake,
Oliver? Yeah?

You want some happy birthday cake?

Ollie! Come back. I'm sorry.
Jessica...

Sandra... Don't take them!

Please don't take my children!

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Um, sorry, actually I...
I know what you're going through,

because, um...last year
my ex and I had...

It's perfect! So, do I pay
a deposit, or, er...?

Oh, you've got a piano!

MUSIC: "The Entertainer"
by Scott Joplin

You can't go wrong
with gold bullion. Received.

Everyone loves their own farts.
Good.

I'm carrying a piece. With you.

E=MC squared.
Prove it.

London's the loneliest place
in the world. Spot-on.

No-one watches snooker any more.
Uh-huh.

We're all out of cheese flan.
Well done.

Your mum's a tramp. What's your
source? Um, your dad. Good work.

No-one knows where Malta is.
Sure.

They want you on board at Henchman
and Co. Oh, yes! What's that?

My resignation. But you've only just...
I'm out of my bloody depth, man!

Eine minuten, bitte.
Danke schon.

Ich brauche einen Fernsprecher,
bitte.

Danke.

PHONE RINGS

Listen very carefully,
I haven't got much time.

Good God, man!

GUN SAFETY CATCH

What's this? Possibly the single
biggest intelligence coup of the war.

It seems there's a dark secret
lurking at the heart of the Nazi state.

A secret which in the right hands
just might turn the tide of the war.

Who else has seen this?

No-one, sir. Enderby rang it through
from Austria about 20 minutes ago.

Rang it through?

I fear he shan't be coming back.

But this is dynamite.

"Hitler...one ball.

"Goering, two, but small.

"Himmler similar.

"Goebbels, no balls at all."

I think you know what to do
with this, Walduck.

What do you want?

A song.

You lot, you think this stuff
grows on trees.

You wanted bawdy barrack-room
ditties to raise morale.

I poured out my soul.

"Goering's prick
is full of diseases,

"that's why he has to
piss with tweezers."

I remember the songs, Harold.

But they had a crucial flaw.

They were always based
on speculation.

This time it's different.

Get me my old piano.

MUMBLES WORDS

HUMS

Ah! One ball!

♪ If Hannibal had many balls up in
the air, there'd da da da da... ♪

Can't have Hannibal.
Hannibal, that's not going to work!

♪ The testes, testes
The Fuhrer has only one. ♪

It's no use! It's no use!

TRAIN HOOTS

PLAYS COLONEL BOGEY TUNE

# Hitler has only got one ball
Goering has two, but very small

# Himmler has something sim-lar

♪ And poor old Goebbels
has no balls at all. ♪

Gentlemen...

...I think we've just
won ourselves a war.

Bravo! Bravo!

HE TAPS CODE

BEEPING

♪ Churchill hast eine massive cock! ♪

Nein, nein!
Haben ein grossen Kockendick?

Das ist gut, nein?