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1
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realEstate.
2
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-August Ripley.
-Rochelle Decker.
3
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,355
-I get these things.
4
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:15,138
I can’t hear them anymore,
I can’t see them.
5
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:16,772
-[hissing]
-But I know them.
6
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,598
-You know,
I always liked you, Zooey.
7
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:19,944
She’s one of us.
8
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:22,648
-One of us. One of us.
9
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,279
-I heard about the day
you left the church.
10
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:28,027
-The organization
wasn’t meeting my needs.
11
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:29,950
-[Susan] Dear Luke,
please consider this
12
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,778
my resignation
from the Roman Agency.
13
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,453
Effective immediately.
14
00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,042
Susan Ireland.
15
00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,463
[dramatic boom]
16
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,830
[thunder booming]
17
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,785
[leaves rustling]
18
00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,375
[eerie score]
19
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,473
[blade rings]
20
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,215
[slow nasal inhale, exhale]
21
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:54,891
[low groaning]
22
00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,483
[groan]
23
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,365
-Hasan!
24
00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:10,901
[heavy footsteps on porch]
25
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:12,776
[grunt]
26
00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,323
[dramatic score]
27
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,754
[blade rings]
28
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,633
[paper crinkling]
29
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,459
[thunder crackles]
30
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:30,222
[knife thuds]
31
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,427
-[evil chuckling]
-[show theme plays]
32
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[footsteps receding]
33
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,814
[man screaming]
34
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[gentle score]
35
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-[Luke] Mina, Tarik,
36
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I can’t give you a guaranteed
sale date or price.
37
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Nobody can. The market
is a living, breathing thing.
38
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,119
-So, what was that number
you gave us five minutes ago?
39
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,368
-That is a listing price
that I think will put us
40
00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:00,700
in a very positive position.
I suspect we’ll get
41
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:03,706
several offers above that,
but, well, wait and see.
42
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,289
So,
43
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,794
is there anything else
that I need to know?
44
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:10,955
-Mmm. No.
-Mmm. No. Nothing. No.
45
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,506
-No, I-I-I don’t--
-Sounds great.
46
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,469
-I don’t think so, no.
47
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,545
-These older houses
often have, uh,
48
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,426
features and quirks
that could impact
49
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,143
the potential sales price
and days on market.
50
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,394
Now, if this is the case,
51
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,146
we are very good
at managing these things,
52
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,358
but now is the time
to tell us.
53
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,858
-Did you tell him
about the antichrist next door?
54
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:33,031
-Daria.
-He needs to know.
55
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-The Masseys.
56
00:02:36,198 --> 00:02:37,738
-Our neighbors from hell.
57
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-Unreasonable neighbors
aren’t that--
58
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...unusual.
59
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,042
-Unreasonable?
60
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,094
They’ve been a problem
since we moved in.
61
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,627
-We’ve tried to be
good neighbors.
62
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,211
Ask anyone else on the block.
63
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,965
-But with the Masseys? -If they
find out we’re selling,
64
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,090
they’ll try to sabotage us.
65
00:02:57,135 --> 00:03:00,255
-Badmouth us.
Scare away the buyers.
66
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,845
-Who wants to live
next to murderous psychopaths?
67
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,561
-We generally try and keep
those bullet points
68
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,351
out of the marketing materials.
69
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:08,612
-What can we do?
70
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:10,897
-Well, generally,
I like to head off the problem
71
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,031
by reaching out first;
create goodwill.
72
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:15,488
-Goodwill?
Good luck.
73
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,619
-You’d be surprised what a
properly deployed muffin basket
74
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,827
can achieve.
Now, are you done with this?
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00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,343
Nice landscaping.
76
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,378
Least they
keep the property up.
77
00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,842
-That’s what they always say
about axe murderers:
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00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,381
"Gee, what a surprise.
79
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:41,177
They took such good care
of their yard."
80
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,137
-Hm.
81
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,114
-Hey!
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-Nice greenery.
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-Aren’t they?
84
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:05,701
[score fades out]
85
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,156
-So, should be an easy one.
A normie.
86
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:10,786
-Hm.
Just like Susan suggested.
87
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,384
[Luke sighs]
88
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,548
-We’ve always welcomed
every client,
89
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,919
regardless of their degree
of metaphysical engagement,
90
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,876
so the Hasans should be
pretty simple.
91
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,676
Open, show, closing.
92
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,760
But their neighbors
have got them really spooked.
93
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,846
-Perhaps it’s just
bad chemistry.
94
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:31,024
-Maybe, but, Phil, when you
do the HCP at the Hasan house--
95
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,192
-I’ll check the
Massey place, too.
96
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,281
-Maybe they’re just too alike?
97
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,897
I mean, suburbia rots everyone’s
brain sooner or later.
98
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,614
-The Hasans have lived there
for eight years.
99
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,164
They never had problems with
anyone else, or so they say.
100
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,409
August, I want you in there
sooner than later.
101
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,741
Hasans don’t seem like
the type to make this up, but--
102
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,157
-There was a fascinating study
done on Norwegian rats
103
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,747
-[phone buzzing]
-...living in close proximity--
104
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,917
-Tarik? We were
just talking about you.
105
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[dramatic score]
106
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What?
107
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,354
-Okay...
108
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,257
you’re gonna have to
believe us now.
109
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,426
-I can’t believe
a normal person would--
110
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,895
-Go all Ozzy Osbourne and then
drop it on our doorstep?
111
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,815
I told you,
these people are sick.
112
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-[Mina gasps]
-[tense score]
113
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,360
-I can’t
take this anymore.
114
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,149
-[gasps]
-You don’t have to.
115
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:23,031
-Tarik, this really isn’t
the time
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00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,913
to get into an altercation
with these people.
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-[Tarik] Massey!
118
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[footsteps receding]
119
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Massey, you cowardly
pile of puke!
120
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,633
Come out and face me!
Massey!
121
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,920
And don’t just send out
your freakishly tall wife
122
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to fight your battles!
I want a piece of you!
123
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,684
-Man, dial it down a little.
-[door opens]
124
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,548
-What’d you say
about my wife?
125
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,135
-I don’t think
that he meant anything.
126
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,270
-She’s tall!
Freakishly tall!
127
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,887
Abnormally tall!
128
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:53,234
-You take that back.
-Or what?
129
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:55,150
You gonna unleash
Slenderwoman on me?
130
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,768
-I’m gonna do some unleashing,
all right.
131
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,945
-[dog barking]
-What kind of a sicko
132
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,444
rips the head off a bird
and puts it on someone’s porch?
133
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,856
-The kind of sicko
who’s tired of getting
134
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,454
a midnight suntan, that’s who!
135
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:07,739
-My porch light, my rules!
-Tariq, put down the rock.
136
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,914
-My dog! Your ass!
How about that?
137
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:13,083
-Mr. Massey, put down the dog.
-Whoa-ho-ho.
138
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:16,503
And a shadow covers the land
as the 50-foot woman attacks.
139
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,593
-Eat a heaping
bowl of shit, Hasan!
140
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,798
-You bird dismemberer!
141
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,089
-You’re insane!
-You’re a sociopath!
142
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:26,013
-You’re neighbors!
-Come get your bird, Massey.
143
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:28,552
-Okay.
Go get ’em, Buttercup!
144
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,137
-Go on!
-No!
145
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,721
[dog barking]
146
00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,350
-[Mina crying in fear]
-[dog growling]
147
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,900
[Massey and Renata laughing]
148
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:42,692
-Hope he saved me
a drumstick.
149
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,276
-Hm.
150
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:45,861
-[score fades out]
-[birds chirping]
151
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,201
-[Renata] The irony is
I’m only five-nine.
152
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,872
In heels.
153
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,001
-You always had
this kind of, um...
154
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,038
tension between you?
155
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,171
-Tension?
They made our lives
156
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:58,838
a living hell
ever since we moved in.
157
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:01,377
-Thought you were here first?
-Oh!
158
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,971
-Look. Look at the things
they do.
159
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,635
-It’s a little hard
to make out.
160
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,852
-Yeah, that’s because
of their goddam porchlight.
161
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:17,483
Thing’s gotta be like
a 100 jillion lumens.
162
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,400
It shines right into
our bedroom all night.
163
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,359
-Well, did you
talk to them about it?
164
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,569
-Yeah. They suggested
something involving a place
165
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,281
where the sun doesn’t shine.
It was hurtful.
166
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,952
-Yeah, that’s not even
the worst of it.
167
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,530
Here, look at this.
168
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,366
-Does that say--?
-Yeah!
169
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,081
-The ’f word’.
-Son of a bitch
170
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,421
snuck onto our property at night
and wrote it in huge letters
171
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,457
with a fertilizer spreader
on our front lawn.
172
00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:42,091
-We had to mow every few days
to keep it from growing taller
173
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,958
and corrupting young people.
174
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,965
-Well, you did pin a note
to their door with a knife.
175
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,838
-[dramatic score]
-Have you seen their hedges?
176
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,715
They look like
the lead singer from--
177
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,602
-What’s the name of that band?
-The Melvins.
178
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,099
-The Melvins!
And they refuse to trim ’em!
179
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,691
You know how something like that
can affect property values!
180
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,810
Okay.
181
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,359
Look, you seem okay
for a real estate guy.
182
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,190
And if you sell the house,
we’ll be glad to see them go.
183
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,606
But... there’s no goddamn way
184
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,415
that we are gonna help them
do anything.
185
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,068
-You mark my words:
186
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:14,697
If we ever turn up dead
and headless, bleeding out
187
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,544
on the porch like that poor bird
Buttercup got hold of,
188
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,500
you’ll know
the Hasans did it.
189
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,710
-Well,
190
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,838
meanwhile,
enjoy the muffins.
191
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,259
-[pensive score]
-[August] Quitting? Already?
192
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:37,226
Well, you’ve only been
a real estate agent
193
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,847
for a few days.
194
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:41,813
You closed the Dunn-Herberts
when no one else could.
195
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,905
-Yeah. And then I went home
and took a 45-minute shower
196
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,651
to wash off the filmy residue
of capitalism.
197
00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:49,859
-It’s called growing up.
198
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,704
-No, this was called
selling out.
199
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,241
And I just don’t think
that it’s right for me.
200
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:58,084
But I also don’t want to
let Luke down either.
201
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,711
-It’s fine to wander
when you’re young.
202
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:02,289
Noble, even.
203
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,916
But one must eventually
choose a path
204
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,501
and follow it
to the end
205
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:10,628
because old wanderers
lack direction, purpose.
206
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,598
-And they often pee outdoors.
-[elevator arriving chime]
207
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,095
-Ew.
208
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,680
[score fades out]
209
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,350
Hi. May I help you?
210
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:24,767
-Oh, I’m-I’m looking for
Phil Orley.
211
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,074
-May I say who is here?
-[scoffs]
212
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:29,238
-[elevator arriving chime]
-Philly can’t possibly be
213
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,647
important enough to merit
this level of screening.
214
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:34,446
-[chuckle]
Oh, Philly.
215
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,951
-Hey, Philly. Que pasa?
216
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,623
-Abby!
[sighs]
217
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,872
Wh-what are you doing here?
Is everything okay?
218
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,539
-Everything’s fine.
I was just about to
219
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,004
submit a blood sample
to your secretary here.
220
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:49,015
-[chuckle]
It’s not too late.
221
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,797
-This is Zooey,
our newest agent.
222
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,930
Zooey, my big sister,
Abby.
223
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,469
-Charmed.
-Mm.
224
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,063
-Okay, come on.
225
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,891
So, Abs, not that this
isn’t a treat, but what’s up?
226
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,557
-I was in town and wondered
227
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,225
if you and Anthony
were free for dinner.
228
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,823
-In town for what?
229
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,188
-To take you and Anthony
for dinner.
230
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:13,490
I was taking care
of some paperwork
231
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,780
from mom and dad’s estate --
you’re welcome --
232
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,454
and thought what a great excuse
to visit
233
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,492
my third-favorite
little brother.
234
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:21,116
Play your cards right
and that
235
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,962
second-favorite slot
might even open up.
236
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:25,997
-Okay, well, I’ll have to check
with Anthony. He’s really busy--
237
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,592
-How ’bout that place
we all went to last Christmas?
238
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:32,470
-Fremonts?
-Fremonts. Tomorrow night? 7:00?
239
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:35,547
-Abby, I’ve got a ton of work
on my plate right now. I don’t--
240
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,303
-I know you’re so busy
and important.
241
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,885
Let’s make it 7:30.
242
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,521
Give this a quick look.
We’ll talk at dinner.
243
00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,807
-Bye.
-[Phil sighs]
244
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,110
[elevator call ding]
[elevator doors open]
245
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,993
-My big sister,
ladies and gentlemen.
246
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:58,570
-Yeah, I’m not sure I like her.
-Oh, me neither.
247
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,616
-Luke wanted you to call him,
by the way.
248
00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:03,156
-Okay.
249
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:04,754
-Philly.
250
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,630
-I hate to say it,
but the records look clean.
251
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,207
Property line has stayed
the same since it was farmland.
252
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,803
-Well, how long
have they been there?
253
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,092
-That’s gonna take
a deeper dive.
254
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:17,012
Farm bureau records,
folklore, anecdotals...
255
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,891
-Well, these houses
have been here a while.
256
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,178
See if you can track down
who lived here before.
257
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,432
-I love a challenge.
-Hm.
258
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,274
-[pensive score]
-[call disconnecting click]
259
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:26,850
[birds chirping]
260
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,690
[doorbell chimes]
261
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:34,191
-Good news is it’s a great house
at a reasonable price point.
262
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,275
-[score fades out]
-The buyers should be lined up.
263
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,155
-I think we know
the bad news already.
264
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,739
They live next door.
265
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,493
-Honestly, I have to tell you,
266
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,115
I spoke with them
and they were--
267
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,462
-Don’t say it!
-Reasonable. Even nice.
268
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,038
-You were here!
269
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:51,213
Did you not see
the decapitated bird?
270
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,092
-They told me
their dog did that.
271
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:54,799
-And you believed them?
272
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,379
-Honestly, I don’t know
who to believe.
273
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,634
You did some kind of
extreme stuff to them, too.
274
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,050
-He showed you the lawn.
275
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,261
-You’re not exactly
innocents here.
276
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,555
-Then maybe we need to find
new representation.
277
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,812
-Mm-hm.
-You’d fire us?
278
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,937
Wow, that is
wildly unprecedented
279
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:15,442
and certainly your prerogative,
but my solution
280
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,705
would be to sell your house
as quickly as possible
281
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,447
for the most amount of money
possible
282
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:22,239
and put some space
between you and the Masseys
283
00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,453
before you develop
a nuclear program.
284
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,044
[pensive score]
285
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,711
-We have that block party
coming up.
286
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,380
A lot of people
come to that.
287
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,128
-Great! Everybody loves
a block party.
288
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,670
Gives people a real chance to
get a feel for the neighborhood,
289
00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:40,014
see how well
everybody gets along.
290
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,431
-If it’ll get us
out of here faster,
291
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,179
we’ll fake it.
292
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,774
-That is all
I want to hear!
293
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:54,356
Look, you don’t
need to love them.
294
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,109
Just don’t attack them
for a while.
295
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,608
-We’ll try.
296
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:01,204
-And maybe turn off
that porch light
297
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,279
that burns
like a thousand suns?
298
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,406
-We’ll see.
299
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,659
-There you go.
Peace in our time.
300
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,456
[score turns darker]
301
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,341
Your greatest advantage
is that you live
302
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:18,920
in a highly desirable
neighborhood
303
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,885
and no other inventory
is available here.
304
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,795
-You get to set the market and--
-[hammering]
305
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,641
-This means war.
306
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:35,478
[score fades out]
307
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,896
-[Phil] I really appreciate
you coming in, Mr. Flynn.
308
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,776
-Oh, my office
is just around the corner.
309
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:47,623
-Great. So, you used to live
at 4 Sotherfield Lane, right?
310
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,250
Next door
to Rowan and Renata Massey?
311
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,117
-Ohh... They were the worst.
-[unsettling score]
312
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,255
-How so?
-Arguments.
313
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,252
Noisy. Nasty.
314
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,844
All the time -- endless.
315
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,419
-About what?
316
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,303
-You know,
neighbor stuff.
317
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,102
-Anything specific?
318
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,519
-They killed my cat!
319
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,112
-Excuse me?
320
00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,857
-They put out a bowl of
antifreeze and poisoned my cat!
321
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,359
-That’s dark.
-Weird.
322
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,907
I forgot it until just now.
323
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,696
-Hey.
-[British accent] Yeah?
324
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:33,912
-You work for Rita.
-[playful score]
325
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:36,036
-I’m her assistant.
326
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,884
-Hm.
327
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,835
[door opening]
328
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,304
[door closing]
329
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:50,104
Hey! You never mentioned
you were thinking about selling.
330
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,019
-Oh, we been thinking about it
for a while.
331
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,558
You know,
we got the nicer house
332
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,061
and we’re
empirically better people,
333
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,564
so why let them
set the market?
334
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,942
-Luke! So nice to see you.
335
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:04,864
I’m afraid this house is a...
336
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,704
tiny bit out of your
price range,
337
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,699
but maybe we can help you find
a nice haunted amusement park,
338
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,292
or something.
339
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:14,745
-Can I have a word?
-Hm.
340
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,089
-Look who’s over there.
341
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,588
-Listen, Rita,
there is something going on
342
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,260
between these neighbors.
343
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,048
-A little friction
between neighbors?
344
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,682
Happens all the time.
345
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,638
-[Hasan] You piece of crap!
-[edgy score]
346
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,219
[unintelligible yelling]
347
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,934
You had to horn
in on our actions!
348
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:35,064
-We have every right
to expose it to the open market,
349
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,941
-just the same as you!
-Swear to God, you better not--
350
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,859
-That cow meant everything to us
and you took her for your own!
351
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,188
-The cow
wandered onto our land!
352
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,154
-You were trying
to claim him!
353
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,824
-...whole crop of sorghum!
354
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,913
We will have nothing
for the rest of the season.
355
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,908
-Don’t dare tell me what to do!
-I’ll bite them off your hand!
356
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,871
-Tarik!
-I’ve had enough of you, buddy!
357
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,832
-Tarik!
358
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,504
Remember what we talked about?
359
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:04,168
Back in the house.
360
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,551
-This isn’t over! Swear to God!
-No, it’s not over,
361
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,512
because you’re not lying
in a pool of blood!
362
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:12,012
-Hey!
-Not yet! Not yet!
363
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:13,604
-No, come on!
364
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,347
-So, a little friction,
you say?
365
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,193
-Did you hear
what they were screaming about?
366
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,478
-Uh, I dunno.
Something about a cow?
367
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,649
[paper rustling]
368
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,244
[score fades out]
369
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:32,280
[elevator arriving chime]
370
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,252
[slams paper onto desk]
371
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:40,456
-Hey. I got your text.
I’m working tonight so--
372
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,380
-You are not
gonna believe this.
373
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,998
-It’s Abigail.
I might.
374
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,551
-This is an affidavit
of posthumous variation,
375
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,801
which is a precursor
to post-probate allocation,
376
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,763
-which means--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
377
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:54,353
Start at the beginning.
378
00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:56,348
[deep sigh]
379
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,140
-My parents were super involved
in our parish church,
380
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,275
my whole life.
You know this.
381
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,692
So they always told us,
"When we’re gone,
382
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,071
everything’s split
between you kids except for
383
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,438
this one piece of land.
That’s for the church."
384
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:11,106
-Like, to
build a church, or...?
385
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,235
-Who cares? It’s a couple acres
of dirt and weeds
386
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:14,952
that I don’t think
Jesus could find
387
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,952
without the GPS coordinates.
388
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,544
-And yet?
-And yet,
389
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,909
when my mom passed
it never came up.
390
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,461
I just assumed that it was
specified in the will
391
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,041
and then handed over.
392
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,835
-[gentle score]
-Apparently not.
393
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:31,052
It’s gone to us kids
with the rest of the estate.
394
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,549
-So, it’s ours now?
395
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,434
Our summer place
to graze the ponies
396
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,602
and let the corgis run free?
397
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:43,598
-Abigail says that we should
donate it to the church now.
398
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:45,556
That’s what these forms are for.
399
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,775
See, you know,
400
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,397
that’s what kills me
about Abigail!
401
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,202
She doesn’t have the decency
to forge my name
402
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,238
and do this deal quietly. No!
403
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:56,492
She has to ambush me
and-and-and
404
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:58,624
knowing perfectly well that,
given enough time,
405
00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:01,751
not only am I going to say no,
but hell, no.
406
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,919
-Your relationship with
your sister is... complicated.
407
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,959
-She was always the favorite,
the-the good one.
408
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,174
It took a big gesture of me
becoming a priest to pull ahead.
409
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,425
-Sort of a Hail Mary.
410
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,428
Do you want to
keep the land?
411
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,023
-No. I mean...
412
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,392
What-what would we
do with it?
413
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,059
That’s not-that’s not
the point! The...
414
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,776
The point is...
she’s asking me.
415
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,191
Me!
416
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,356
To give something that--
with a not-insignificant
417
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:36,075
dollar value to the church.
418
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,326
The same church
that chose to model
419
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:42,247
the tolerant ministry of Christ
by tossing me out the narthex!
420
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:45,288
I’m not good enough,
but my inheritance is? No! No.
421
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,173
-Okay, great, simple.
422
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,998
-Simple?
-Just tell Abby
423
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:52,587
what you just told me.
424
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,385
-Yes.
425
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,014
No.
426
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,895
-Hell, no.
427
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,140
-Hell, no.
428
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:05,735
[excited children’s voices]
429
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,690
[indistinct conversations]
430
00:19:13,444 --> 00:19:15,204
[children shrieking excitedly
and laughing]
431
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,833
-Now that is marketing.
432
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,078
-Oh, yeah.
Kids at a grade-school rager
433
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,000
are known
for their brand loyalty.
434
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:28,457
-I’m going to mingle.
435
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,210
[score fades out]
436
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,795
-Hey.
437
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,340
I’m Alvin.
438
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,850
I-I work for
Rita Weiss.
439
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,967
-Oh.
Thoughts and prayers, Alvin.
440
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,184
-[laughs]
You’re with Roman, right?
441
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:45,775
-Mm-hm.
-What’s that like?
442
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,439
-It’s okay.
Most of the time.
443
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:51,269
-I ask
because I hear things.
444
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,479
-What kind of things?
445
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,066
-Like,
446
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,028
you made a pact with the devil
that so you could move people
447
00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,322
into different houses so that
he could eat their souls.
448
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,026
-[laughing] Oh...
449
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,286
Yeah, yeah.
I can confirm that.
450
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,870
-Oh!
[laughs]
451
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:11,132
-You had me there.
-Did I?
452
00:20:13,963 --> 00:20:16,423
-Well, I better get back.
Gotta make sure
453
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,585
nobody gets in there with,
you know, sharp objects.
454
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,094
We’ll lose the deposit.
Yeah-ha. Yeah.
455
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,181
-[children laughing excitedly]
-Thank you for your service.
456
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:34,316
-Wish you’d
thought of it, right?
457
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:38,238
-Yeah! The next pre-qualified
toddlers to come by are yours.
458
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,856
Listen, we talked to
some of the people who lived
459
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,236
in these houses
before the Hasans and Masseys.
460
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,914
[pensive score]
461
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:46,622
-And?
-Let’s just say
462
00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,372
there’s a history of violence.
463
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:51,084
We need to close these places
before they murder each other.
464
00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:53,207
[sigh]
465
00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:55,668
[tense score]
466
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:02,184
-[Renata] This is a great idea.
467
00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:05,678
[unintelligible]
468
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,638
-[Hasan] There you go.
469
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,148
[dramatic boom, rumble]
470
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,609
[knife hitting cutting board
loudly]
471
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,360
[unintelligible]
472
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,071
-Hi.
-Oh!
473
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:25,656
-Here we go!
-[pats stool]
474
00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,411
[sinister score]
475
00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:49,315
[dramatic boom]
476
00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:55,154
[thud]
477
00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:01,953
-[blade rings]
-[woman exclaims]
478
00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:05,322
-[Renata] Oops.
-Oh!
479
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:09,238
-[foot thudding on leg]
-Oh!
480
00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:11,619
[tense score]
481
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,334
[grunting]
482
00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:15,544
-[Luke] Tariq! Rowan!
-[yelling]
483
00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:18,667
-[laughing]
-[grunts]
484
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,262
-Ah!
485
00:22:21,131 --> 00:22:22,801
-[squelch]
-Ahh!
486
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,762
-[squelch]
-[grunt]
487
00:22:26,428 --> 00:22:28,428
-[dramatic score]
-No.
488
00:22:30,099 --> 00:22:31,849
-[dramatic boom]
-Ahh!
489
00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:34,854
-[pop]
-[air hissing]
490
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:36,475
[exclamations]
491
00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:38,072
[both grunting]
492
00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:45,741
-Ah, ah!
493
00:22:46,490 --> 00:22:49,740
[grunting, groaning]
494
00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,325
[thud]
495
00:22:52,204 --> 00:22:54,714
-[grunts, groans]
-Stay!
496
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,628
-Hey, are you okay?
-I am.
497
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,207
But this is
getting out of control.
498
00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:00,626
-Well, this is a mess.
499
00:23:00,671 --> 00:23:03,051
Where’s that
useless assistant of mine?
500
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,340
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
501
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:07,925
[rubber castle crinkling]
502
00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:10,429
-[Zooey gasps]
-[dramatic boom]
503
00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:14,807
Alvin bounced.
504
00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,017
[score fades out]
505
00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:22,279
[loud ambulance horn]
506
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,900
-[siren wails]
-[dramatic score]
507
00:23:28,032 --> 00:23:30,162
-Well, guess who’s picking up
her own dry cleaning
508
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,830
for the rest of the week.
509
00:23:31,869 --> 00:23:33,409
-He got knifed, Rita...
510
00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,536
and you don’t even care!
511
00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:38,831
-This has gone too far.
512
00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:41,336
-Oh, relax.
Nobody’s pressing any charges.
513
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:42,958
A stitch here,
a tetanus shot there.
514
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:44,765
-No, we are gonna
get on top of this thing.
515
00:23:44,798 --> 00:23:46,468
I’m gonna do a deep dive
into the Hasans
516
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:49,678
and I need your go ahead
to do the same at the Masseys.
517
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,300
-Your people
in my listing?
518
00:23:51,889 --> 00:23:53,519
-We’re never going to
sell these places
519
00:23:53,557 --> 00:23:55,267
until we settle this.
520
00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:59,059
From a pure greed perspective,
can’t see how you can refuse.
521
00:24:01,231 --> 00:24:02,771
-Well, when you
put it that way.
522
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:09,111
[score fades out]
523
00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:12,826
-No area in the home
is particularly active?
524
00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:15,538
-I mean,
it’s mostly around that side,
525
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:17,159
closest to them.
526
00:24:17,206 --> 00:24:18,746
[tense score]
527
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:22,630
-Any odd sounds at night?
528
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:25,713
-No. Well, rats.
529
00:24:25,756 --> 00:24:27,666
[dramatic boom]
530
00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,046
-Rats?
-The Masseys throw dinner scraps
531
00:24:30,094 --> 00:24:32,054
into our yard
almost every night.
532
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:35,136
That brought raccoons.
And then the rats came.
533
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:37,853
-That’s despicable.
534
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:40,153
-It was his first gig
as altar boy.
535
00:24:40,187 --> 00:24:41,897
-[Phil] Mm.
-And the cassock was
536
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,479
a little too long.
537
00:24:43,524 --> 00:24:45,574
-[chuckling] Oh.
-Ethan tripped.
538
00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:47,189
-Mm.
-Whoow!
539
00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:49,566
Body of Christ
all over the place.
540
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:51,203
He was devastated.
541
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,200
He was so worried
Jesus would be mad at him.
542
00:24:53,951 --> 00:24:55,541
-I know that feeling.
543
00:24:55,577 --> 00:24:57,827
-Oh, he reminds me
so much of you at that age.
544
00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,371
So innocent.
545
00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,083
-[approving tone] Mm.
546
00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:05,417
Ruggedly handsome,
just like his uncle.
547
00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:07,882
-Yeah.
-[Phil chuckles]
548
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:09,593
-He’s a good boy.
-Yeah.
549
00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,223
-Obeys his parents.
550
00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:16,256
-And so we segue gracefully
into the business of the day.
551
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:19,056
-You knew mom wanted
to give that land to the church.
552
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,771
-How could I not?
553
00:25:20,811 --> 00:25:23,101
Every festive dinner over the
last four years of her life
554
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:27,277
included a dry run of
mother’s post-mortem wish list.
555
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:29,777
-And she wondered why
the desserts weren’t moving.
556
00:25:29,820 --> 00:25:31,400
[chuckles]
557
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:33,866
-But here’s the thing, Abs...
558
00:25:34,491 --> 00:25:36,081
back then it was...
559
00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:38,294
it was abstract.
560
00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:40,748
-And back then
you were a priest.
561
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:43,038
-Yeah.
562
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:45,090
O-okay, sure, but--
563
00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:48,956
Now?
Now it’s real.
564
00:25:49,006 --> 00:25:52,716
-And now you’re a gay guy
who sells real estate.
565
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,470
-Yeah, and I feel pretty good
about both, if it matters.
566
00:25:55,512 --> 00:25:58,392
-Yeah, it matters.
Of course it matters a lot.
567
00:25:59,141 --> 00:26:00,641
But while your world has turned,
568
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:03,314
like, a thousand times,
Mom’s hasn’t.
569
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:05,403
-Dying will do that
to a person.
570
00:26:05,439 --> 00:26:07,229
-It’s a shitty
two acres of nothing.
571
00:26:07,274 --> 00:26:08,784
Why do you even care?
572
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:12,488
-I care because
you made it personal.
573
00:26:12,529 --> 00:26:14,069
[tender score]
574
00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:16,454
Before it was something
that just happened, like...
575
00:26:17,201 --> 00:26:19,791
February, or rickets,
or the playoffs
576
00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:22,328
and all I could say was,
"Well, that happened."
577
00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,832
But now you’re making me
sign off on it.
578
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,925
Endorse it.
And it pisses me off!
579
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,130
-Do you have any idea
how much you hurt her...
580
00:26:29,171 --> 00:26:31,131
-Oh.
-...when you left the church?
581
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:33,433
Every time one of her friends
asked about
582
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:37,299
her son, the priest...
she had to correct them.
583
00:26:37,346 --> 00:26:40,136
-Yeah. She didn’t have to.
-Yes she did. Phil--
584
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:42,274
Come on! You knew mom.
585
00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:44,810
She did...
586
00:26:44,853 --> 00:26:46,403
and her heart broke.
587
00:26:47,314 --> 00:26:49,194
-Yeah.
588
00:26:49,233 --> 00:26:51,153
I know that feeling, too.
589
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:57,487
[sighs]
590
00:26:58,700 --> 00:27:02,580
-Mm-hm, mm-hm,
mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
591
00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:05,866
[chair drops]
592
00:27:05,916 --> 00:27:09,706
You know what? Let’s just try it
back over by the shelves again.
593
00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:12,173
-You know, I find myself
envying Alvin
594
00:27:12,214 --> 00:27:14,884
and his reliable
morphine drip.
595
00:27:14,925 --> 00:27:17,225
-Ooh, you’re a smart one.
596
00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:18,851
-Yeah, I’m a genius.
597
00:27:18,887 --> 00:27:21,347
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
598
00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:24,520
You recognize
the ultimate futility of it all.
599
00:27:25,018 --> 00:27:27,398
The trick is to identify
what we can change
600
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:31,227
and what we can’t.
We can move a coffee table.
601
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:32,905
We can’t
force a lender
602
00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:36,783
to prequalify a buyer
with insufficient income.
603
00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:39,027
Not legally, anyway.
604
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,334
-Okay, you’re starting
to scare me a little.
605
00:27:41,368 --> 00:27:42,868
-That’s real estate, kitten.
606
00:27:43,871 --> 00:27:45,871
Oh, Renata! Hi!
607
00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:49,004
-Hi.
Are you Alvin’s replacement?
608
00:27:49,042 --> 00:27:52,712
-God, I hope not.
-Uh, Zooey’s, um...
609
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:57,014
a special consultant
here to evaluate the property.
610
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:59,010
-Yeah, I saw your
R-rated lawn outside.
611
00:27:59,052 --> 00:28:01,762
-God, the Hasans
make it so difficult.
612
00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:03,425
See here!
613
00:28:03,473 --> 00:28:05,023
[disquieting score]
614
00:28:06,935 --> 00:28:08,555
Double-glazed windows.
615
00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:11,774
The Hasans play their music
from midnight to six AM.
616
00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:14,605
They even put subwoofers on
the ground to shake the walls.
617
00:28:14,651 --> 00:28:17,531
-They’re evil people.
-What kind of music?
618
00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:20,951
-Show tunes; ’80s TV themes;
619
00:28:20,991 --> 00:28:23,911
Hall. And. Oates.
620
00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,542
-Monsters.
621
00:28:25,579 --> 00:28:27,459
-Two o’clock in the morning
and I need to be reminded
622
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,417
that my kiss
is on their list?
623
00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:30,998
-Why do we even
have prisons?
624
00:28:34,338 --> 00:28:36,628
-Just sign it.
-No.
625
00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:39,933
Just no.
Emphatically no.
626
00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:41,758
-This land thing
was their choice,
627
00:28:41,803 --> 00:28:43,303
not yours.
628
00:28:43,347 --> 00:28:45,807
You can leave your property
to whoever you want!
629
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:47,729
The Humane Society,
Doctors Without Borders,
630
00:28:47,768 --> 00:28:49,478
the Broadway League Foundation.
631
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:51,269
-Leave Anthony out of this,
please.
632
00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:53,896
If they wanted it so badly,
633
00:28:53,941 --> 00:28:55,941
why did they forget
to have it in the will?
634
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:58,954
-This is what they wanted.
Does that mean nothing to you?
635
00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:00,447
-Clearly it means
more to you.
636
00:29:01,531 --> 00:29:03,071
Perfect Abby.
637
00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:05,737
Always does
what makes mommy happy.
638
00:29:06,370 --> 00:29:08,000
Never rocks the boat.
639
00:29:08,038 --> 00:29:09,908
[tender score]
640
00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:11,917
-You broke their hearts.
641
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:14,789
You left the priesthood.
You married a--
642
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:18,012
A-a wonderful guy
who I personally love
643
00:29:18,048 --> 00:29:20,468
and knows every lyric
Stephen Sondheim ever wrote.
644
00:29:21,885 --> 00:29:23,465
And, still,
you were their favorite.
645
00:29:26,223 --> 00:29:27,773
Mm-hm.
646
00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:30,309
You won.
647
00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:33,063
My third-favorite
little brother.
648
00:29:34,564 --> 00:29:36,864
You went against everything
they ever taught us,
649
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:38,610
everything they ever dreamed...
650
00:29:39,987 --> 00:29:42,657
and, in the end,
they loved you more, anyway.
651
00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:47,045
Yay for you, Philly.
652
00:29:47,077 --> 00:29:48,617
You won.
653
00:29:49,246 --> 00:29:50,956
[chair quietly scraping]
654
00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:52,498
You know what?
655
00:29:53,834 --> 00:29:55,844
Sign the papers, or don’t.
656
00:29:58,255 --> 00:30:00,135
You can let me know
by mail.
657
00:30:01,425 --> 00:30:02,975
[footsteps recede]
658
00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:14,189
-You’re the boss, Luke,
as always.
659
00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:17,069
But there is no sign
of anything psychokinetic,
660
00:30:17,107 --> 00:30:18,687
only evil.
661
00:30:18,734 --> 00:30:20,244
-So, your instruments
are telling you--
662
00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:24,357
-My sense of common decency
tells me the Masseys
663
00:30:24,406 --> 00:30:26,366
should be sealed in a bell jar
and studied!
664
00:30:27,117 --> 00:30:28,697
-[edgy score]
-Hey, Zooey, what did you--
665
00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:30,584
-Those people are animals!
666
00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:32,160
-So, we agree.
667
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:33,825
-I don’t think it’s enough
for the Hasans
668
00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,884
to just be
cast into the pit of hell.
669
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:37,537
-The Hasans?
670
00:30:38,211 --> 00:30:40,591
-We should
set them on fire first!
671
00:30:40,630 --> 00:30:43,420
-The Hasans?
Innocent victims
672
00:30:43,467 --> 00:30:46,547
of the Masseys’ sick,
raccoon-based perversions?
673
00:30:47,304 --> 00:30:49,684
-No one should be told
at two o’clock in the morning
674
00:30:49,723 --> 00:30:52,893
that their kiss is on
someone’s list. Without consent!
675
00:30:52,934 --> 00:30:54,444
-You’re insane.
676
00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:56,018
-Oh! You’re bald!
677
00:30:56,063 --> 00:30:58,773
-You wear unnecessary metal
in your nose.
678
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,685
-Okay.
-Okay, before we say something--
679
00:31:00,734 --> 00:31:03,244
-Oh, farmer boy!
-Needy girl!
680
00:31:03,278 --> 00:31:05,108
-Needy?
You’re slipping, August!
681
00:31:05,155 --> 00:31:07,705
Why only use two syllables
when six will do?
682
00:31:07,741 --> 00:31:10,371
-You’re a quitter! You’ve only
been a real estate agent
683
00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,080
for a few days
and already you want out!
684
00:31:12,662 --> 00:31:14,372
Your father should have
taught you better.
685
00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:16,084
Oh, wait,
you never really had a--
686
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,674
-[sharp slap]
-Oh!
687
00:31:19,336 --> 00:31:20,916
[dramatic score fades out]
688
00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:25,432
[gasps]
689
00:31:27,302 --> 00:31:30,052
-[tender score]
-[Zooey gasps]
690
00:31:30,097 --> 00:31:32,927
-August, I am so sorry!
691
00:31:32,974 --> 00:31:34,814
-Zooey...
692
00:31:35,644 --> 00:31:39,234
You mean the world to me
and I cannot believe--
693
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:40,822
-I’m so sorry!
694
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:42,940
-Are you guys okay?
695
00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,280
How long were you
inside those houses?
696
00:31:46,071 --> 00:31:47,781
-Less than three hours.
-Four hours.
697
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:53,038
-But it isn’t enough
just to be inside the house.
698
00:31:53,995 --> 00:31:55,575
You need to confront someone
699
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:58,372
who was recently
inside the other house.
700
00:31:58,417 --> 00:32:00,497
That is when
the fireworks start.
701
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,798
-So, what?
It-it’ll never end?
702
00:32:04,798 --> 00:32:08,298
-People write songs and sonnets
about everlasting love.
703
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:10,644
But for true
staying power...
704
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:14,180
hate takes the taco.
705
00:32:27,946 --> 00:32:29,486
[intriguing score]
706
00:32:34,411 --> 00:32:35,951
[swish]
707
00:32:36,997 --> 00:32:38,537
[swish]
708
00:32:47,007 --> 00:32:48,797
-[tablet thuds onto desk]
-[papers rustling]
709
00:32:57,058 --> 00:32:58,598
-A cow.
710
00:32:59,853 --> 00:33:01,403
Damn cow.
711
00:33:02,898 --> 00:33:04,438
-I hope you’re right.
712
00:33:04,483 --> 00:33:07,073
Phil... make it fast.
713
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:08,650
-I’m minutes away.
714
00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:11,204
[edgy score]
715
00:33:16,161 --> 00:33:17,701
[whoosh]
716
00:33:19,247 --> 00:33:20,787
[wind whistling]
717
00:33:21,541 --> 00:33:23,081
[dramatic score]
718
00:33:26,463 --> 00:33:28,013
[dramatic boom]
719
00:33:49,861 --> 00:33:51,401
-[Renata] It’s on, alright.
720
00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:54,240
-Bring it! Bring it on!
-[unintelligible arguing]
721
00:33:54,282 --> 00:33:56,492
[engine revving,
tires squealing]
722
00:33:56,535 --> 00:33:58,085
[angry arguing continues]
723
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:01,872
-Don’t do this!
Don’t do this!
724
00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:03,915
-Ambrose! Parker!
725
00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,632
It’s not their fault!
It’s a curse -- a blood feud.
726
00:34:08,672 --> 00:34:11,132
-[all screaming]
-[Phil] Listen! Listen!
727
00:34:11,841 --> 00:34:13,971
Back a 100 years ago,
this was all farmland.
728
00:34:14,010 --> 00:34:15,930
-[whoosh]
-[dramatic score]
729
00:34:15,971 --> 00:34:18,471
Property line
in the exact same place.
730
00:34:18,515 --> 00:34:20,145
Parker had cows.
731
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:22,103
Ambrose grew sorghum.
Everybody got along.
732
00:34:22,727 --> 00:34:25,397
One day one of Parker’s cows
got into Ambrose’s crops.
733
00:34:25,438 --> 00:34:27,068
Ambrose tied him up
734
00:34:27,107 --> 00:34:29,027
intending to return him
by nightfall,
735
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:30,857
but things got busy
and he forgot.
736
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:34,614
Well, Parker saw that
Ambrose had one of his cows
737
00:34:34,656 --> 00:34:36,366
and got mad as hell.
738
00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:38,158
The two men came to blows
but the families split ’em up
739
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:40,331
and sent the sons out
the next day to build a fence.
740
00:34:41,454 --> 00:34:43,124
These were hotheaded farm boys
741
00:34:43,164 --> 00:34:44,714
and they started fighting.
742
00:34:45,417 --> 00:34:47,247
First with words,
then with knives.
743
00:34:47,294 --> 00:34:48,884
Shovels. Axes.
744
00:34:50,547 --> 00:34:52,087
[muffled audio]
745
00:34:52,924 --> 00:34:54,844
It turned into
a slaughter.
746
00:35:01,474 --> 00:35:03,484
They say the blood
ran into the postholes.
747
00:35:07,689 --> 00:35:09,229
From that day on...
748
00:35:09,274 --> 00:35:11,614
families on either side
of that fence...
749
00:35:14,446 --> 00:35:15,986
hated each other.
750
00:35:16,031 --> 00:35:17,571
[tender score]
751
00:35:34,299 --> 00:35:35,839
[axe thudding]
752
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:40,353
[thudding continues]
753
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:59,065
-Ready?
754
00:35:59,783 --> 00:36:01,453
[grunts, groans]
755
00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:05,076
[fence thuds]
756
00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:22,562
[score fades out]
757
00:36:33,149 --> 00:36:35,109
-Yo. Philly.
758
00:36:38,571 --> 00:36:40,491
-What are you doing here?
759
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:42,162
-The clock radio
in my hotel room
760
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,780
woke me up this morning
761
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:45,907
and was playing
a Judas Priest song.
762
00:36:46,496 --> 00:36:48,076
And I thought of you.
763
00:36:48,123 --> 00:36:49,583
-You know,
I’m not sure
764
00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:51,254
how I’m supposed to feel
about that, Abs.
765
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:54,302
[sighs]
766
00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:56,878
-I realized
767
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:59,093
how you must have felt
about the church.
768
00:37:00,343 --> 00:37:02,643
Whatever you decide
about the land thing, just...
769
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,770
send me the paperwork
and I’ll deal with it.
770
00:37:07,058 --> 00:37:08,598
Or not.
771
00:37:12,772 --> 00:37:14,692
Okay. That’s it.
772
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,693
-Tell Ethan that...
-[tender score]
773
00:37:17,402 --> 00:37:19,572
Jesus doesn’t mind
when you spill his body,
774
00:37:19,612 --> 00:37:21,572
but if you spill his blood,
775
00:37:21,614 --> 00:37:23,164
mix three parts
hydrogen peroxide
776
00:37:23,199 --> 00:37:25,949
to one part dish soap.
It gets the stains right out.
777
00:37:29,205 --> 00:37:31,165
-Hm.
778
00:37:31,207 --> 00:37:32,787
You are a good uncle.
779
00:37:43,261 --> 00:37:44,801
Second favorite brother.
780
00:37:44,846 --> 00:37:46,386
[snorts]
781
00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:48,720
[elevator arriving chime
doors opening]
782
00:37:49,476 --> 00:37:51,016
[laughing]
783
00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:52,600
[pleasant
indistinct conversation]
784
00:37:55,732 --> 00:37:57,282
[engine turns off]
785
00:37:58,276 --> 00:37:59,816
-[car door closes]
-Hey.
786
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:02,660
-Luke! It’s perfect.
787
00:38:02,697 --> 00:38:04,867
Tarik was just saying
now that the fence is gone,
788
00:38:04,908 --> 00:38:07,658
we can have full-sun hibiscus
running all the way down.
789
00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:10,002
-I’m so glad to talk plants
with someone. Mina’s hopeless.
790
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:12,158
-[laughs] So’s Rowan.
-[Tarik laughs]
791
00:38:15,877 --> 00:38:17,957
-What a tragic waste of time.
792
00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:20,724
The Masseys just told me
they’re no longer selling.
793
00:38:20,757 --> 00:38:22,967
-Yeah, the Hasans
feel the same way.
794
00:38:23,802 --> 00:38:27,142
-Poor Alvin. He nearly
bounced into eternity and...
795
00:38:27,931 --> 00:38:29,811
-died in vain.
-Hm.
796
00:38:30,558 --> 00:38:32,098
Just out of curiosity,
797
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:34,515
what do you think happens
when we die?
798
00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,232
-I have no idea.
799
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:39,613
But it probably
affects your credit scores.
800
00:38:45,365 --> 00:38:46,915
[light conversation, laughter]
801
00:38:55,416 --> 00:38:58,246
-No? Hell, no?
802
00:38:58,294 --> 00:38:59,844
-No.
803
00:38:59,879 --> 00:39:01,459
Hell, yes.
804
00:39:01,506 --> 00:39:03,666
I signed the damn papers over.
805
00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:07,636
Our ancestral land is going
to be a vacation bible school,
806
00:39:08,555 --> 00:39:10,775
or a...
popemobile parking lot,
807
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:14,139
or a place where they train
Jesuits to fight in the octagon.
808
00:39:15,144 --> 00:39:17,564
Better get a nice fruit basket
from the Vatican.
809
00:39:18,523 --> 00:39:20,113
-Oh, honey.
810
00:39:20,149 --> 00:39:22,029
-Just wasn’t worth the fight,
you know?
811
00:39:22,902 --> 00:39:24,572
-You’re a good person.
812
00:39:25,113 --> 00:39:27,113
-Mm. Not really.
813
00:39:27,657 --> 00:39:29,197
But thank you.
814
00:39:29,868 --> 00:39:31,828
Oh, any word
from the adoption people?
815
00:39:33,288 --> 00:39:34,828
[tender score]
816
00:39:34,873 --> 00:39:36,583
You gotta know,
817
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:39,918
as much as you want this baby--
and I do, too, we both do,
818
00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,501
don’t get me wrong--
819
00:39:42,755 --> 00:39:46,965
please don’t feel like
we need a baby to be a family.
820
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,604
-Yeah, I know.
I-it’s just--
821
00:39:50,638 --> 00:39:52,178
-Hey...
822
00:39:52,223 --> 00:39:53,773
You and I...
823
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:56,981
we’re a better family
than most people will ever find.
824
00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:02,323
Come here.
825
00:40:07,780 --> 00:40:09,320
We can always get a dog.
826
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:13,950
[score fades out]
827
00:40:15,163 --> 00:40:17,213
-Good night, Zooey.
-Good night, Augie.
828
00:40:17,248 --> 00:40:18,788
-[footsteps receding]
829
00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:22,669
[elevator arriving chime,
doors slide open]
830
00:40:24,797 --> 00:40:26,467
-Hey.
831
00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:29,930
What August said earlier:
is it true?
832
00:40:29,969 --> 00:40:31,509
-Yes.
833
00:40:31,554 --> 00:40:33,514
The metal in my nose
is unnecessary.
834
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,516
-[gentle score]
-The other thing.
835
00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:37,058
-About quitting?
836
00:40:37,101 --> 00:40:38,641
Not being an agent?
837
00:40:41,314 --> 00:40:42,944
[sighs]
I...
838
00:40:44,567 --> 00:40:46,107
I hate your job.
839
00:40:46,778 --> 00:40:48,398
[scoffs]
All of it!
840
00:40:48,947 --> 00:40:52,027
The arguments with stupid people
who think they’re smart.
841
00:40:52,075 --> 00:40:53,955
Rita Weiss
being my best friend...
842
00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:55,543
the whole thing.
843
00:40:55,578 --> 00:40:57,368
-But you’re good at it.
844
00:40:57,413 --> 00:40:59,623
-Yeah, well,
I’m good at karaoke, too!
845
00:40:59,666 --> 00:41:01,376
Doesn’t mean I want to
do it for a living.
846
00:41:02,418 --> 00:41:03,958
Look, I...
847
00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:08,916
I don’t know what my thing is.
848
00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,507
Maybe I’ll never find my thing,
849
00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:13,889
but I am absolutely sure
that this thing
850
00:41:14,472 --> 00:41:16,022
is not my thing.
851
00:41:17,392 --> 00:41:18,932
I’m really sorry.
852
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:28,070
-You haven’t heard from, uh...
Susan?
853
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:30,985
-No.
854
00:41:37,996 --> 00:41:39,536
[gentle sigh]
855
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,039
[tender score]
856
00:41:45,878 --> 00:41:47,418
[phone line trilling]
857
00:41:47,839 --> 00:41:50,759
-Hi! You’ve reached
Susan Ireland.
858
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,640
I’m on a bit of a sabbatical
right now,
859
00:41:52,677 --> 00:41:54,847
so if you need
immediate assistance,
860
00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:58,217
press one.
Otherwise, leave me a message
861
00:41:58,266 --> 00:42:00,176
and roll the dice!
Drink the wine!
862
00:42:00,226 --> 00:42:01,766
Because life is a mystery
863
00:42:01,811 --> 00:42:04,401
and the sun
is only a morning star!
864
00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:05,979
[hang up click]
865
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:14,033
[laptop clicks shut]
866
00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:19,659
-Damn it, Susan.
What do you want me to say?
867
00:42:20,955 --> 00:42:22,495
I’m sorry.
868
00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:24,754
I’m sorry
that you made it so easy
869
00:42:24,792 --> 00:42:28,342
to laugh at your process,
at your color-coded paperclips.
870
00:42:28,379 --> 00:42:31,629
I am sorry that you did it
so effortlessly
871
00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:34,218
that I forgot
how good you really are.
872
00:42:36,512 --> 00:42:39,142
I’m sorry that this place
just doesn’t seem to run
873
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:42,596
as good without you.
874
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:44,983
And, most of all,
I am sorry that I am saying it
875
00:42:45,021 --> 00:42:48,401
to this credenza
instead of your face.
876
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:55,778
[score fades out]
63050
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