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1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:06,240
Hey, Arthur, can I put one of my
campaign posters in your window?
2
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:07,675
The election
for the Uptown Business Council
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,143
is in three days.
4
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,144
Let's see it.
5
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,248
TUSH: "Vote Fawz
for president
6
00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:15,483
or else."
7
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,617
Or else what?
8
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,686
Or else you'll be torn apart
by tigers.
9
00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:22,156
But that wouldn't fit
on the poster.
10
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,125
Eh, it doesn't matter.
11
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:25,493
I'm running unopposed.
12
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,129
Which is actually
my other poster.
13
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:30,398
So, you got big plans
14
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,400
for your second term?
15
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,801
Well, the first thing
I plan to do is renew
16
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,769
my handicap parking sticker.
17
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,405
Because, you know,
I have that condition,
18
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:39,273
where I don't like to look
for parking.
19
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:42,543
Plus, I want to do something
about that playground
20
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,811
on Sheridan Ave.
21
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,679
Oh, that's dope.
It's getting a little run-down.
22
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,581
What, you gonna put up
a new swing set or something?
23
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:48,649
Well, something
will be swinging,
24
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:50,651
namely, a wrecking ball.
25
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,286
What?
26
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,354
Yeah, we're gonna pave
over the playground...
27
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,323
* And put up a parking lot.
28
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,194
Hey! Yo, you-you can't do that.
29
00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:02,463
I've been going to that park
since I was a little kid, man.
30
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,165
I have a lot of good memories
there.
31
00:01:04,198 --> 00:01:05,566
At least-least, I think I do.
32
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,369
I-I smoked a lot
of weed there, too.
33
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,238
Well, I represent
the business owners,
34
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,606
and they need a parking lot
to attract more shoppers.
35
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,841
Everybody loves that park.
36
00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:16,777
What's next? You gonna tear down
a library and put up a Target?
37
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,646
(chuckles)
Okay,
38
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:21,549
let's not get carried away.
(chuckles)
39
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:25,219
Tear down library, call Target.
40
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:27,421
You already got rid
of the two-dollar movie theater
41
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:28,556
and the video arcade.
42
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,723
I'm running out of places
to have sex
43
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,725
when my roommate's home.
44
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,195
I'm glad they're getting rid
of that park.
45
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,529
Okay, what do you have
against it?
46
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:36,697
A mean girl
made fun of me there
47
00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,599
and stole
my Happy Day lunch box.
48
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:41,369
I haven't gone back since.
49
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,172
I want to think
that was during his childhood,
50
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:46,474
but chances are,
it happened last week.
51
00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:52,346
Tush, did you say
a Happy Days lunch box?
52
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,515
Yeah. And three
ham salad sandwiches.
53
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,150
And a thermos filled with...
54
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,385
Tang?
55
00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,354
Oh, my God.
56
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,323
It was you!
57
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:03,824
(laughs)
58
00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:08,496
This is hilarious!
59
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,499
Hilarious? I was so traumatized,
I peed my pants
60
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,435
and had to be homeschooled
for the rest of third grade.
61
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,606
40 years later, the taunting
still rings in my ears.
62
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,909
* A girl stole your lunch box.
63
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:26,480
* And he smells
like sweat socks. *
64
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:29,783
Oh, fun, a second verse.
65
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:30,918
Very funny.
66
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,187
Aw, Tush.
67
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:35,789
It was very funny.
68
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,292
Okay, maybe Tush hates the park,
but you know something?
69
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:39,727
It's important
to a lot of us.
70
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,363
That was the one place
I could go when things
got tough at my house.
71
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,365
Plus, it was one of the few
places that a family can have
72
00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,234
a picnic, you know,
and breathe fresh air.
73
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:49,670
Unless someone was, uh, smoking
a reefer on the roundabout.
74
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:53,374
Smoking what on the what?
75
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:56,577
What he's trying to say is
"weed on the merry-go-round."
76
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,945
But the way
77
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,448
Calvin Coolidge
would have said it.
78
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:02,850
Hey, yo, if you care that much,
79
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,318
why don't you run against Fawz?
80
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:05,319
You know what?
81
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,721
I don't care that much.
82
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:12,726
Franco is so naive to think that
you would want to run for this.
83
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:13,761
Yeah, I know.
84
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,796
I mean, the thought
that anyone would vote for you
85
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:19,567
over me is crazy.
86
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,369
It's not that crazy. You know,
I've been a businessman
87
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,237
in this neighborhood
for 40 years.
88
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,705
Yes, but the neighborhood
has changed
89
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,740
and you no longer fit in.
90
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:27,875
No offense,
91
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,311
but you're a relic, a dinosaur.
92
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,646
You're basically useless
to this generation.
93
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:37,751
Why do you even bother to say
"no offense"?
94
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:39,920
It gives me permission to say
whatever hateful thing
95
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,322
I'm thinking.
96
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,625
It's the first phrase
I learned in English.
97
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,759
ARTHUR:
Yeah.
98
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,462
Yeah, well, no offense,
you're an idiot.
99
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:49,930
That was the second phrase
I learned.
100
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,532
Look,
101
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,000
I still got a lot to contribute.
102
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:54,835
I would make a great president.
103
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,604
You would make
a great grandfather.
104
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:58,472
Franco!
105
00:03:58,506 --> 00:04:00,741
I changed my mind.
I'm gonna run for president
of the business council.
106
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,510
Hell yeah, man!
That sounds good!
107
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,577
Yeah.
FAWZ:
Yes, it does.
108
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,979
Everyone your age
should have a little project.
109
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,948
You know,
110
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:11,352
like a jigsaw puzzle
or running a useless campaign.
111
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,720
I plan to win.
112
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:13,921
Yeah.
113
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,623
We're about to save
Grayden Park.
114
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:18,626
Yeah. They might even rename
the park after me.
115
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,728
Ah! Yes, I can see it now.
116
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,995
Jurassic Park!
117
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,033
*
118
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:40,047
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the next president
119
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,982
of the Uptown Business Council,
120
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,519
Arthur Przybyszewski!
121
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,788
Arthur, have you thought
about a nickname?
122
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,358
Because your last name
looks like an eye chart.
123
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,895
"A hole new approach."
I love it.
124
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:55,896
You know what, I'm gonna get
125
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,531
my buddies from the neighborhood
to put these up.
126
00:04:57,565 --> 00:05:00,568
I'll start with, uh,
Cathy at the bead store.
127
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,936
Arthur, that place shut down
months ago.
128
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,973
Oh. All right, I'll just walk
one over to Morty the Cobbler.
129
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,777
He died.
130
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,512
Well, then who's
the new cobbler?
131
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,447
There are no new cobblers!
132
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:16,550
Arthur, where have you been?
133
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,386
Right here!
I live above the shop.
134
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,854
Last winter,
I never even put on a coat.
135
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,724
Well, look, while you were
hiding out in your bunker,
136
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,526
the neighborhood changed.
137
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,528
My old business buddies,
they were my base.
138
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:28,829
Hey, it's cool. All we got
to do is get you out there
139
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,931
to meet some new people, man.
Hey, you got this.
140
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:31,899
Okay, okay.
141
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,767
Hello, all!
I just met with the architect
142
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,869
for the new parking garage.
143
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:38,672
I'm gonna get to ride the crane!
144
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,409
Beep, beep!
145
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:43,043
Don't get too ahead
of yourself, Fawz,
146
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,878
'cause Arthur's campaign
is just getting started.
147
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,680
We got a whole plan
we're working on.
148
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:47,715
"We"?
ARTHUR: Yeah,
149
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,982
Franco and me. We're teaming up.
150
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,384
Yeah. I'm gonna be
151
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,420
his new campaign manager.
You are?
152
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,121
Yeah. Sofia and I are gonna
help him get elected.
153
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,723
We are?
154
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,991
Mm-hmm. Look, you and I give him
a tour of the neighborhood
155
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,928
and introduce him to the new
generation of business owners.
156
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,463
You want me to help Arthur,
157
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:05,399
the man who calls my food
truck the Fart Wagon?
158
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:07,901
Hey, hey,
159
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:11,405
hey, hey. You ain't
doing it for him.
160
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,006
You're doing it
to save Grayden Park.
161
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,410
Yeah, I do great
weekend business there.
162
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:18,612
Turns out a lot of people
like to eat their feelings
163
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,614
on Saturdays. Okay.
164
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,416
I'm in.
All right.
165
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,952
A millennial
campaign manager.
166
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:27,054
Interesting
strategy, Arthur.
167
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,490
But I'm still
gonna crush you.
168
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:30,891
Well, you don't know
who you're dealing with.
169
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,026
I know exactly who
I'm dealing with.
170
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,729
"A hole"!
171
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:38,532
"New approach"!
172
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:47,074
Oh, I see it now!
173
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:52,513
How's he doing in there?
174
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:53,581
Is he getting
any votes?
175
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,949
Well, he was hitting it off
with the little lesbian,
176
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:59,119
but now the big lesbian's
yelling at him.
177
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,221
Oh, there's a third lesbian!
178
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,692
Well, this campaign's
gonna be a disaster.
179
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:06,193
Oh, come on.
180
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,060
You're always so positive.
181
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,229
It's one of the things
I like about you.
182
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,865
You like "things"?
That's plural.
183
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,534
What else?
184
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:16,203
Well...
185
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,438
Nope, that's it. There's
only one thing I like about you.
186
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,941
That's too bad.
187
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,544
'Cause I got these tickets
to Chance the Rapper, so...
188
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,178
Oh, hey!
189
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,080
I just found a second
thing I like about you.
190
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,115
Oh, yeah?
191
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,583
All right, so I guess we goin'.
192
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,184
We should probably grab
dinner first.
193
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,654
Or go to the concert hungry.
194
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:34,688
That's cool, too.
195
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,559
Well, those dudes were cranky.
196
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,695
Hey, look,
as your campaign manager,
197
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:45,766
maybe I should do more
or all the talking.
198
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,569
Hey, man,
how's business?
199
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,637
Great.
200
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,072
We were voted number one
beard washery in Chicago.
201
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:55,042
Oh, speaking
of voting,
202
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,211
this is Arthur, owner
of Superior Donuts.
203
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,947
Yeah, he's running for Uptown
Business Council president.
204
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,214
MAN:
I know you.
205
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:03,984
You wouldn't serve me
'cause I had my ferret.
206
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,653
Oh, that was you, huh?
207
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,087
You know,
putting something on a leash
208
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,289
doesn't make it
any less disgusting.
FRANCO: Okay!
209
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,423
All right,
uh, so, uh,
210
00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,760
Arthur here is fighting
for what makes this neighborhood
211
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:15,262
so special, unlike his opponent,
who's trying to turn
212
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,598
Grayden Park
into a parking lot.
213
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,300
Well, I'm all for that. We could
use more parking around here.
214
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,302
No, dude, the kids in this
neighborhood need that park.
215
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:23,704
I don't have kids.
216
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:27,775
Oh. Uh, do you, by any
chance, smoke weed?
217
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:30,010
Look, my customers need
a place to park.
218
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,012
I'm voting for the other guy.
219
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,147
(exhales)
And, by the way,
220
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,616
I suffer from anxiety.
221
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,085
My ferret is a
service animal.
222
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,290
Oh, Tush.
223
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,192
I got you something on eBay.
224
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:51,599
A Happy Days lunch box?
225
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:54,234
I wanted to give you back
what I took from you.
226
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,638
That's weird. I don't see
my childhood in here.
227
00:08:57,671 --> 00:09:00,240
You didn't just steal
my lunch box
228
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:03,577
and 16 ounces of ice-cold Tang.
229
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:07,080
You stole my faith in humanity.
230
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,650
(groans)
You're being a little dramatic.
231
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,819
No, you know what's dramatic?
Charlie's Angels.
232
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:15,222
That's the lunch box I had
to use when you stole mine.
233
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:18,225
That is a great lunch box.
234
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,728
Which one were you? Her,
235
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,630
her, or her?
236
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,699
I'm not comfortable taking
a gift from someone
237
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,935
who thinks my feelings
are a joke.
238
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,202
Just take it.
239
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:32,205
There it is! Still a bully!
240
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,674
Hey, hey, hey.
241
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,342
Why does this mean
so much to you?
242
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,678
It happened years ago.
It shouldn't matter
243
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,379
when it happened. It upset me.
244
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,082
And if you were my friend, you
wouldn't make a bunch of jokes,
245
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:45,285
and try to buy me off
with a $14 lunch box.
246
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:48,088
$14? Try $68.
247
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:53,060
And I had to e-mail some weirdo
a picture of my feet.
248
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,064
We're done here.
249
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,899
Fine!
250
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,069
* A girl stole your paper.
251
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,273
Hello, Arthur!
252
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,276
I hear your campaign is like one
of my wife's old bras--
253
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:12,279
no support!
254
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,815
Yeah, save it for the debate.
255
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,950
Wait, what?
There's a debate?
256
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,952
Yeah. If there's more
than one candidate,
257
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,754
there has
to be a debate.
258
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:23,724
You guys haven't read
the UBC laws?
259
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,660
It's only the best part of the
Chamber of Commerce handbook!
260
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,663
(laughs)
261
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:31,965
Kind of a nerd.
262
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:35,402
If "nerd" means
doing everything you can
263
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,137
to help your business succeed,
264
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,006
then nerd be I.
265
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:44,044
You know what, a debate
sounds good for you, man.
266
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:45,813
People can hear that
your heart's in the right place
267
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,815
and that Fawz doesn't have one.
268
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,818
(sarcastically):
Oh, no, I'm a dead man.
269
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,420
Unless, of course, I can come up
with some fun posters.
270
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,724
Hello, what's this?
271
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,897
Fawz, I thought we were friends.
272
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,166
We are. This is politics.
No.
273
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,035
This is hitting below the belt.
274
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,837
Your pants come up to your neck.
Everything's below the belt.
275
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:12,072
Oh, get out of here.
276
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,441
Damn it! I got to beat that guy.
277
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:15,776
That's what I'm
talking about, man.
Yeah.
278
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,144
Look, all you got to
do is get out there,
279
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,813
get some votes, and we're
gonna save that playground.
Oh, uh...
280
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,281
about the playground.
What?
281
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,483
Well, you heard those
business people.
282
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,085
They're the ones who vote.
283
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,353
They want a parking lot.
284
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,321
Wait, are you...
are you switching sides?
285
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,123
If that's what it takes
to win, yeah.
286
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,092
I got to prove to Fawz
and to everyone else
287
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,994
that I'm not irrelevant
in this neighborhood,
288
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,495
that I really matter here.
289
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,364
So it's all about you now?
290
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:40,433
Look, I just
poured my heart out to you.
291
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,071
I found it very moving.
292
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:49,242
I'm kind of
in a raw place, myself.
293
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,845
Arthur, look, there are more
important things than winning.
294
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,413
It's better to be
a principled loser
295
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,514
than to be a sellout.
296
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,949
I'm sorry, but I came this far,
297
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,217
and I got to win no matter what.
298
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,019
Okay, fine.
299
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,120
Well, then, you know what?
300
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,422
Good luck finding yourself
a new campaign manager,
301
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,924
'cause I quit.
302
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,496
Not the job. I need the job.
303
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:11,364
Who wants some coffee?
304
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:12,399
You? Come on.
305
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,874
Arthur. I'm surprised Fawz
let you have the debate
306
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:23,210
here in your own shop.
Yeah, well, I
talked him into it.
307
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,079
This way the voters can see what
a successful businessman I am.
308
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:28,281
Why did you agree
to have the debate
309
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,482
here on Arthur's turf?
310
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,451
It was my idea.
This way everyone can see
311
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,320
what a pathetic
businessman he is.
312
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,489
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
313
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,058
What are you doing?
314
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,193
You got frosting on both sides?
Yeah.
315
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,929
I call them Flip-Flops.
316
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,363
You can, uh...
you can switch sides
317
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,398
anytime you want
to abandon your principles.
318
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,968
Hey, look,
319
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,502
the kids can play
in a parking garage.
320
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,939
They go to the top.
They slip on some roller skates.
321
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,807
Boom. That's fun.
322
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,408
Yeah.
323
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,210
So, that's it
for the playground.
324
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:58,278
Oh, no.
325
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:00,547
I ain't done fighting yet.
You want to know why?
326
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:03,583
'Cause the man you secretly love
has a plan.
327
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,386
Really? Drake has a plan?
328
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,288
No.
329
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,190
I'm gonna make sure
Arthur does the right thing.
330
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,228
Hey, Tush.
331
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,097
Sorry, this seat's taken.
332
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,366
(sighs) Okay.
333
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,334
This has gone on
long enough. Come on.
334
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,203
I want to show you something.
Hard pass.
335
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,238
I'm done
being bullied by you.
336
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:28,175
Damn it, Tush,
get in the car right now!
337
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,210
Coming.
338
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,281
(clears throat)
Welcome, everybody.
339
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,216
I've been chosen to moderate
340
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:38,618
tonight's UBC event.
341
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:39,920
Uh, what is UBC?
342
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,388
Uptown Business Council.
343
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,890
The thing you're running for.
344
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,491
Oh! Oh.
345
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:48,061
Opening statements.
346
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:49,629
Gracias.
347
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,865
(clears throat)
348
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,905
I would like to acknowledge
my esteemed opponent
349
00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:00,540
as one of the nicest men
on Earth.
350
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,509
And one of the first.
351
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:03,911
(laughs)
352
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:09,116
Listen, I've been
a business owner
353
00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,550
in Uptown for decades.
354
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:11,484
And, like some of you,
355
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,954
I nearly lost my shirt
in the recession.
356
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,956
And, like most of you,
I did lose my shirt
357
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,324
in his dry cleaners.
358
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:20,193
That's right, Fawz.
359
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:21,895
I just took you to the cleaners.
360
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:24,264
(laughter)
361
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:28,135
Yeah, and I just took you
to the donut shop.
362
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,370
Okay, I can tell
by your reaction
363
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:33,140
his was better.
364
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:38,278
Ah, back to the scene
of the crime.
365
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,180
Come on.
366
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,215
I just want you
to read something.
367
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,954
"Joe Nuñez eats butt."
368
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,356
Yeah, everybody knows that.
369
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,324
Lower.
370
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,226
"Double Dee-Luca."
371
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:57,097
That's what the girls called me
in fifth grade.
372
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,300
I was an early bloomer.
373
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,402
It was horrible.
374
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:05,005
Yeah?
Yeah.
375
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,606
And it wasn't just the girls.
376
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,608
My gym teacher wouldn't
let me use the trampoline
377
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,544
unless I wore a football helmet.
378
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,612
No.
379
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,114
Yeah.
380
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,549
Those nuns were cruel.
381
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,485
Well, if people
were mean to you,
382
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,320
why'd you pick on me?
383
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:24,491
'Cause I was an angry,
embarrassed, big-boobed kid.
384
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,396
And I took it out on kids
that were younger than me
385
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,098
because they couldn't
fight back.
386
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,366
And, obviously,
387
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,202
I haven't gotten any
better at empathy
388
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,237
as I've gotten older.
389
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,141
I'm really sorry, Tush.
390
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,442
(chuckles wryly)
391
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:44,244
You think it's that simple?
392
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,446
I'm hoping.
393
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,284
You still have that lunch box
you bought me?
394
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,988
I'll bring it tomorrow.
395
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:58,225
Thanks.
396
00:15:58,258 --> 00:15:59,526
I can't believe
I was scary enough
397
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,561
to make you pee your pants.
398
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:05,565
You still are.
399
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:07,100
When you yelled at me
at the shop,
400
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:09,036
I went a little.
401
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,407
Now, Fawz claims he doesn't use
chemicals at his dry cleaners.
402
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,009
Have you seen his employees?
403
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:19,546
They've obviously been
exposed to something.
404
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,215
Not true.
That's my wife's family.
405
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:23,716
They're just ugly.
406
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,153
Guys, you're ignoring
407
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,021
the important issues,
408
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,522
like easing the
restrictions on signage
409
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,724
or expanding the
bike-share program.
410
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,160
Do we really care about people
411
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:36,029
that can't afford
their own bikes?
412
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:38,498
Okay, let's open up the floor
to questions.
413
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:39,732
I got one.
414
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,301
So, tell me something.
415
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,370
If you all decide to
tear down Grayden Park,
416
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,438
where's the little man
supposed to play?
417
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:48,341
Hey, no one said
we could bring props.
418
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,310
Hey, everybody. I'm-I'm Franco.
419
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,345
And this awesome kid
right here is Andre.
420
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,614
So, Andre, tell everybody
what the park means to you.
421
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,583
Oh, let me guess. It's where
he learned to play baseball.
422
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:59,086
Blah, blah, blah.
423
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,321
Actually, I'm not much
of a sportsman.
424
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,191
But the park is where I learned
how to plant a garden.
425
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,658
And because of said garden,
426
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,560
I also learned self-defense.
427
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:08,795
Mm-hmm.
428
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,730
And after you play in the park,
what do you do?
429
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:14,467
Well, sometimes I get
a haircut from you,
430
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,403
or I buy ice cream from you
431
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,605
and enjoy it while staring
through the window
432
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,739
of your yoga studio.
433
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,408
(laughs):
Oh!
434
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,742
Andre just hit puberty.
435
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:24,211
But you see?
436
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:25,745
The park
is bringing you business.
437
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,647
All good points.
438
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,151
And that is why, as you have all
heard me say many times,
439
00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:34,554
I am for the playground.
440
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:36,789
But we need parking, too.
441
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,458
Also a good point, which is why
442
00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:41,328
you're allowed to park
in the playground.
443
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,164
There must be another solution.
444
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,099
Hey, that old Endicott building
is empty.
445
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,235
Couldn't we turn that
into a parking garage?
446
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,803
Uh, isn't that
against the zoning laws?
447
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:54,141
No, they just rezoned
that whole block.
448
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,609
(confused chatter)
449
00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:58,178
Seriously?
450
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:01,248
No one reads the handbook?
451
00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,615
You know,
you don't have to read stuff.
452
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:04,151
You're attractive.
453
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,385
All right, look,
454
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,586
whether there's a handbook
or not...
455
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:09,256
There is.
(sighs)
456
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:10,557
And the end of the day,
the choice comes down
457
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,658
to just two people.
458
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:15,395
You want a pillar of the Uptown
business community?
459
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,430
Or do you want a modern leader
460
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,532
who's willing to say
absolutely anything
461
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,569
to be elected?
462
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,371
What about her?
463
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,306
She knows what she's talking
about. I'm voting for her.
464
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:28,275
Well, you can't.
She's not running.
465
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,477
Well, actually, the bylaws
466
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:33,246
do allow a write-in candidate.
467
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,215
Oh, sure, just because
she knows the bylaws
468
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,749
and she cares about
the neighborhood,
469
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,685
you think she's qualified?
470
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,787
Okay, show of hands.
471
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,522
All in favor of food truck lady?
472
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:47,160
You don't even own a business.
473
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:48,695
Food truck lady it is.
474
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:50,663
(all cheering)
475
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,501
But she's inexperienced,
476
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,204
and I don't even know
if she was born in this country.
477
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:58,438
I demand
478
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,473
to see your birth certificate.
479
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,350
Well, Arthur,
480
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,685
you know I'm not good
with apologies.
481
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,288
(sighs)
482
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,390
Wait a minute, th-that's it?
483
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,459
Fine, I'll spoon-feed you.
484
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,663
I'm sorry for the things I said
about you being old.
485
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,598
This shop
is an Uptown institution,
486
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:26,866
and you should be proud of that.
487
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:29,202
So, why all the mudslinging?
488
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,538
Because I wanted
to be reelected so badly.
489
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:33,673
You know, being president
of the Business Council
490
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,875
this past year
made me feel respected.
491
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:37,477
You know, how everyone respects
492
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,579
the president
of the United States.
493
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:46,753
Well, for whatever it's
worth, I respect you.
494
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:47,954
I mean, you came here
with nothing,
495
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,088
you built a business,
496
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,391
you burned that business down
for the insurance money,
497
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,460
and you started a dry cleaners.
498
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:58,698
Thank you,
and you can't prove anything.
499
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,867
There she is.
500
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,869
All hail Madam President.
501
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,540
Not my president.
502
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,409
Hey.
503
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,578
So, any, uh, big plans
for your first term?
504
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,781
So many. I want to do
an Uptown food festival,
505
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,949
repave all the sidewalks.
506
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:18,951
I'm even thinking
of doing a Dollar Days.
507
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:20,587
I might even spell it
with a "Z."
508
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,890
(laughs):
I'm giddy with power.
509
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:24,957
That's cool.
510
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,427
We can celebrate your win
at the Chance concert.
511
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,728
Oh, my God. I'm-I'm so sorry.
512
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,630
My first council meeting
is Friday night.
513
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,998
I know. I read the bylaws,
514
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:33,966
and I switched our tickets
to Saturday.
515
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,035
You read the bylaws?
516
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,670
It's kind of hot, right?
517
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,872
It is.
518
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,374
Tell you what.
519
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,310
I'll take you to lunch right now
520
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:45,745
if you can tell me
what bylaw 14, section three is.
521
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,947
Uh, it's... Section three?
Mm-hmm.
522
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,517
(scoffs)
That's my favorite bylaw.
523
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,520
Uh, thou shalt not...
524
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,588
See you later, Franco.
Okay.
525
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,023
I hate that handbook.
526
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,258
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
527
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:06,799
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
37725
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